Problem? Adulting vs. Escapism

A reader once suggested to me that a great exercise to rewire chump brains and combat blameshifting would be to play “Problem? Adult Solution, Cheater Solution.”:

An example:

PROBLEM: My wife and I argue often, mostly over financial matters.
ADULT SOLUTION: From now on, we’re going to keep a closer eye on our finances, cutting costs where we can. We’re also going to work to improve our lines of communication, particularly where financial matters are concerned.
CHEATER SOLUTION: I’m gonna go fuck a 20-year-old.

I think it’s a great several reasons. A) It makes fun of the absurdity of cheaters. Always fun. And B) It’s a good way to remind yourself that these people have CHOICES. That you didn’t drive them to cheat. There were grown-up ways of addressing real marital issues or their lives’ dissatisfactions and they chose infidelity.

You can stop blaming yourself and start protecting yourself, okay?

Have a lovely weekend everyone — I’m here in the woods of Northern Michigan visiting with my parents for a family wedding. It’s 60 degrees and I had walleye for dinner last night. Life is good.

TGIF!

 

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Try Me
Try Me
5 years ago

Hahahaha!

This is perfect in its simplicity!

Problem: we are completely stressed and disconnected, what with work, a special needs son, and other general grown up stuff.

Adult solution: have a hard conversation about how we’ve drifted so far apart and need to connect and support each other again.

Cheater solution: Drink often and too much, argue that we don’t have enough sex and to loosen up, the. Begin a 7 week affair with next door neighbor and friend right under spouses noses, until cuntbags husband figures it out because she’s a whore and did it before.

Sigh.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  Try Me

Same here: autistic 7-year-old, married (at that point) for 13 years, instead of being open and honest about his lack of love for me, he decided to do everything and anything he could to make me feel unloved, unwanted until D-Day…
Three years since divorce and life is so much better!!!

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
5 years ago

Unsinkable, you wrote my P/AS/CS to a TEEEEE! My life goal moving forward is to NEVER accept such treatment from another for the rest of my life.

junglechump
junglechump
5 years ago

Yeah when I was pregnant and my father died for example

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago

Yup, when we need support the most is often when their cheating starts.

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Isn’t that the truth!! We are expected to carry them and us.

rockstarwife
rockstarwife
5 years ago

Unsinkable,
You are amazing! Glad life is looking up!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago

I guess it’s not surprising how many Chumps have special needs kids, parents who are aging or ill, or health problems themselves. When the going gets tough, instead of being tough themselves, cheaters opt out.

Nyra
Nyra
5 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Agreed.
Investing in anything but themselves is not worth their time or effort. Demanding others cater to them is more their style!
X would be jealous of time & attention given to the kids. Rather than help me out, he’d join a club himself & demand that the kids & I go cheer him on…I started to grow suspicious when he suddenly put on his nice guy act & told me we didn’t need to be there…

Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  Try Me

Exactly my ex husband 200%!

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Ultimate escapisim vs adulting….. decide you are in too much debt and can’t splash the cash and those dam kids eat a fuck load of food ( no kidding he actually would complain if i would stop spending so much money on groceries as if we were eating caviar and fillet steak every nt). Fucktards solution? Re mortgage the house to max it out…self publish an ego serving book with the rest of our savings and walked out leaving us homeless and penniless declaring he had fallen out of love …but just happened to fall into the knickers of a naive 20 something immediately.
They are all irresponsible dickheads

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  Try Me

Yep, Try Me!

Another Cheater solution: seek out hookers, workout more, do anything to avoid the Chump because that might entail work and I’m too much of coward to face my problems.

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
5 years ago

Enjoy! Northern Michigan is beautiful! Oh the lakes! So pretty. Torch. Glen. Sleeping Bear Dunes. Petosky.

And yes, not much adulting with cheaters. They can mirror adulting if they chose. And thank you again for the reminder. It is a choice to cheat.

Adulting corrects to adulating. Gonna be a fun day to post.

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
5 years ago

Hi, hope your having a great time chump lady, cheaters have choices as does everyone else, I don’t think they like to grow up. Relying on chumps to sort everything out, seriously everything.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago

Walleye. You lucky girl….

txmmw
txmmw
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Seriously, you are one lucky girl. Parents, cooler temps and Walleye.

Rebecca
Rebecca
5 years ago

No sex?

Chump: buy books about sexless marriage, go to multiple therapists, buy lots of lingerie, plan romantic vacations, beg for a testosterone test and anything else a desperate mind can think of.

Cheater: avoid spouse like the plague, refuse to discuss sex, look SO sad, remain faithful to the AP and laugh hysterically inside at the pain you have caused and how you know something the chump doesn’t.

Anastasia
Anastasia
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

This one hits home, Rebecca…I made appointments with sex therapists, started coming to terms with my sexual assault 30 years ago, talked to my gyn about options. I found ways to initiate fun sexual play and told him how handsome and hot he was.

Cheater solution: Start up an emotional relationship with his ex-girlfriend from 15 years ago where they “talked” about OUR sex life (or lack of it) and made the decision that I should get on board with an “open relationship” in order to solve these issues. When I refused and told my husband how hurt I was that he was sharing our problems with his ex in the first place, he went ahead and started a sexual relationship with her, indicating to her I had said it was fine (or was a “soft no” and I would come around). He actually said to me, “She and I talk more about our marriage than we do.” To which I replied, then why don’t you talk to me more?

We are currently bicoastal due to my job and his answer was that I’m not around enough. I mentioned there is this thing called a telephone, but he said, “I don’t like to have conversations like that over the phone.”

Every time I suggested couples counseling, he responded with “I’ve tried that before in other relationships…it doesn’t really help.”

He looked me in the eye and told me that this was the ONLY solution that would save our marriage—having a relationship with both her AND me. And when I told him I wasn’t OK with that, he said, “then I guess there’s nothing more to talk about.” When the ex found out that he had basically lied about our situation, she broke it off with him, too. He sent me a venomous text that said I wouldn’t meet him midway on this (what is “midway” on an affair, I wonder?) and that I had created an adversarial atmosphere in our marriage (because I refused his cheater offer). He also mentioned his “conflicted feelings” about his ex and that I wasn’t understanding at all about that (which is actually BS since I told him, “We ALL have unresolved feelings for people in our past. The difference is, however, we don’t ACT on them once we commit to a marriage.”

He has made me question whether there is something wrong with me…whether I drove him to this…all of those BS things we chumps entertain in our brains. I am grateful for this site, my fellow chumps and my friends who are making me see through the BS & realize HE is the one who made the choice to cheat and it’s not my fault.

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Oh, no, you too, Rebecca?

I did all those things, down to the low testosterone.

Had no idea he was being faithful to OW his twu wuv (who 2 years later ‘was unimportant’)

little signs
little signs
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Chump – go to dr to get estrogen and intrarosa- a vaginal moisturizer. My lack of desire must be my fault.

Cheater- talk about how “broken” you are while buying apple juice and a thermometer for OW’s sick daughter- and you are on crutches. Talk about getting new tattoos, grow hair long, workout at the gym, obsess over whateverthefuck is your phone .

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I too asked my cheater to have a testosterone test.

Georgie
Georgie
5 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Ha Ha! I suggested a testosterone test too! Ex had some excuse why he didn’t. He knew his testosterone was fine as he had been screwing the ow for 4 years!

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  Georgie

I litterally bought some “male vitality” (courtesy of alex jones who has crashed spectacularly in my estimations now btw!!) But to no avail… sadz sausage was not performing cos he was sulking like a 12 year old girl without her iphone…. .sorry about mixing my metaphor s!!

Therapist Chump
Therapist Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Georgie

My ex and I went to the doctor together to have his testosterone checked too. The doctor said it was low. He later left me for a coworker. She dumped him and went back to her husband. He came back to me. I found he had some blue pills. He said that the OW, shoe he said typically liked older men, explained to him that the blood pressure medicine he was on, was the problem and suggested he get on Visgra. Well, come to find out, the porn addiction I didn’t know he had, didn’t help either.

Therapist Chump
Therapist Chump
5 years ago

And one time I shared that I was feeling sexually frustrated (he started always refusing sex with me and said that me putting pressure on him made him limp). His response was to point to the bedroom and say, “I don’t know what to tell you. Go masturbate.”

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago

????????????????????
Been there, just not direct.
Exh1 would just make me finish myself off after he reached his magic moment.

Therapist Chump
Therapist Chump
5 years ago

I am so sorry. I really believe they are soulless.

Therapist Chump
Therapist Chump
5 years ago

Sorry, “who”.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Ha. ha. I asked mine to have his testosterone tested also. The commonalities among us chumps is hard to believe. Bottom line, as far as we were concerned, they weren’t performing anywhere! Happy Friday.

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Just when you think it only happened to you some great chump like you Rebecca explains what I went thru off and on for 20 years! It almost makes me cry thinki g about…. I’m not alone!!! Thank you very much! Hugs xo sweet

Elsa
Elsa
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca- were you writing about my husband?

Rebecca
Rebecca
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

In my haste to comment I didn’t follow the post’s rules.

I believe that the decisions made as a Chump are interchangeable with what an Adult should do.

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

No! Respectfully disagree.

The adult decisions I am making now are definitely not interchangeable with the chump decisions I made 20 years ago.

Chumpiness is a liability I think.

Rebecca
Rebecca
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

I was only referring to my original post and what I had listed as my “Chump” response to no sex.

CL’s post had reactions classified as “Adult” and “Cheater”. I used “Chump” and “Cheater”.

I agree that we Chumps do better now that we know better!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago

Problem: Getting old sucks. My wife has the gall to think she can retire early. Even saying the word “retire” makes me feel old. Our kids are all grown up. Only old people have adult children. I am bored.

Solution: I had the sadz when I was about to turn 40 (even saying 40 makes me feel old) and so I screwed around with a 30YO co-worker. Nearly imploding my family sure kept my mind off my birthday, and here comes 50! I will fuck a 25YO co-worker this time to see if I can turn back the hands of time. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Most importantly I will never breathe a word of discontent to The Wife Appliance and will make sure she thinks we are still headed for a glorious future together. Even when she asks me directly I will be sure to lie, lie, lie. I am sure our adult daughters will be totes OK with it all as I move to Europe to find my twu happynez and fuck around with a gurl their age. At least it won’t be boring.

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
4 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Ha ha at least it won’t be boring! These cheaters all the same. Mine said you’re getting old and old people stuff is boring. Seems to me that we are aging at exactly the same rate so he’s getting old too. They Cannot stand their aging and boredom. The Solution is to fuck around.

I never allowed my children to say they were bored. I always thought that boredom was manufactured in the mind and you have to find ways to fix that yourself. Boredom is your own fault. Any time those words came out of their mouth I assigned them multiple chores. Also I mentioned that they had a factory in china’s worth of toys in their rooms and in the house so find something to do before you get assigned chores.

If the kids had friends over and I heard the friend say they were bored I would start twitching. And my kids would be look at me, look at their friend, and say hey let’s go outside and play! Lol

SuziQ
SuziQ
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Did you live my story?? Exactly the same!!

Doin'Fine
Doin'Fine
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

This is EXACTLY what happened with my ex!! Word for word. Always amazed at how similar our stories are.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

@Now I.C.—- ditto to a “T.”

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago

Problem: There’s not enough sex in the marriage.
Adult Solution: Work together to find out what the problem is and work together to find a resolution. Consider it a JOINT problem in a JOINT relationship.

Cheater Solution: Stand in the middle of the living room, look the chump in the eye, tell her she better start putting out more or you’re going to look elsewhere. Completely dump it all on the chump…since it’s THEIR problem.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Alternative Cheater solution: use porn, telling Chump “I’ve got to have SOMETHING!” and regularly require Chump to leave the marital bedroom so he can jerk off, seemingly having forgotten the first and virtually only argument in the marriage, a few months after wedding, was about his porn use and his first reaction then was to ask “Do you want a divorce?”

Sausalito
Sausalito
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Kitsugi, at least you got a warning shot fired. My cheater said nothing about his discontent with the amount of sex we were having, and just went ahead and “solved the problem himself” (his words) by hooking up with random bar whores. Then he “made a mistake” and fell in twu luv with one…

Creativerational
Creativerational
5 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Adult problem: I was the one who constantly offered sex because I was not getting play. I received the ‘I’m tired, I masturbated today, i have to be up early’ …. when I was working 10-12 hour days also. Was told everything was fine. Was told when he was done school would be easier. When we did have sex it was great.

Cheater non adulting: he was screwing back page girls and Skype girls and coworkers and whoever else. Says he got married to early and that we abound both need to change when I caught him.

New adult solution: Well. I changed. I’m now far away. Changing for me.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

YUP… every Hallmark card I received after the first D-day… right up to the fourth D-day nine years later talked about how “WE needed to FIX US”… even though “us” wasn’t running personal ads and fucking people in hotels that he met on Craigslist or at the gym.

Cheaters need to relearn their pronouns.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago

Never once.
I got the flip side of the cards.
My birthday 2015, he left me a loving, sentimental, emotional card for me for my birthday before leaving for work. He signed “I love you always”
Two weeks later, D-Day.
He never once ever expressed unhappiness about our marriage, our relationship.
Yet, according to the OW I was contacted by, he had been miserable and unhappy for years.

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
5 years ago

This is my story too. It’s so hard when the requisite marital strife that would sound an alarm (albeit small) of what is about to come never goes off. The shock is total and all that we learn has to be done post-script, often as investigators going back into our own lives to find out how far back the treachery goes. Blissfully unaware until the knife slips in between the shoulder blades. I got a mother’s day card telling me I was the love of his life. A couple months later he abandoned me and our 1 and 2 year old babies with zero warning for a stripper and moved across the country. I detail this on here often in the hopes that anyone in a similar position can feel some relief that they’re not alone. I remember feeling sub-human and utterly worthless until I found Chump Lady and the forum. It’s not you. You could’ve been anybody. It’s the disordered human being that did you a favor by exiting your life. I still find myself wondering how anyone could be so cruel and cowardly. But I just have to remind myself not my circus, not my monkey.

Unexpectedchumpiness
Unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago

Honey, it not only made me feel like the lowliest human on the planet that I was so easily disposable, it also shook my trust in everyone and even myself to my core. I just don’t believe anyone these days. And I read your blog a while ago about how you liken it to a tsunami, which is a very accurate description. And that is exactly what my cheater did to me too. Hugs to you xoxo

Unexpectedchumpiness
Unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago

Molly— same for me! My post earlier started with
Problem: NONE.

Apparently he had been unhappy for years. News to me. Clearly I didn’t get the memo. He told me (as he was leaving me for undiscovered OW) he had “lost all his respect for me years ago after I had post partum”, but continued to fake being a doting husband for two more years and as he was leaving was telling me that I was easy to love and that he “was detaching with love”.
What. The. Absolute. Fuck.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago

Grrr, reminds me how after OW#1 during weak reconciliation the asshat declared that WE needed to “take each other back” as if I had been cheating too.

And I let him get away with that shit.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

I booted my ex out for a night after he went to OW’s son’s wedding by himself. He told me it was just a small wedding so only close friends were invited. I invited him back the next day (he slept at his mothers). Instead of being grateful he came in the door and asked me if ‘I had my mind right now.’ Gosh I was stupid.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
5 years ago

Hey, at least you got “us”. Granted it creates a false equivalency between your responsibility and the cheater’s responsibility, but the cheater is in there somewhere at some level. When I asked my cheater to go to marriage counseling I got the response “Why would WE go to marriage counseling when the problem is YOU?”

Silver Anniversery
Silver Anniversery
5 years ago

My soon to be ExH told me multiple years ago that he would go to marriage counseling if I went to the gym for a month…..then we would see. Of course this was after he pounded his fist on the table calling me a “fat fuck”…..at that point right or wrong I decided he would need to court me a bit before I was going to sleep with him. Of course I was week enough to go to the gym….and couldn’t keep it up with a 50 hour a week job, a house to run and a young son. My Ex was the ‘stay at home dad’ who did NOT do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, or anything else. Now he’s leaving me for the woman he had an affair with 25 years ago…and moving 1000 miles away from me and his 14 year old son. It’s so raw….and I’m strong and then fall apart and am a chump again. When does this get better? Have another two weeks with him in the house before he’ll go — hope divorce is quick.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago

He sounds parasitical and cold hearted. Sorry.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago

Those two weeks will zoom by!! And you are so mighty for the ‘He has to court me’. Exactly right. And when they don’t, either because they can’t be bothered or they don’t see the need, that’s when we know they’re not husband material. Looking forward to celebrating with you in a fortnight, Silver x

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago

“Cheaters need to relearn their pronouns!” OMG! Mic drop????????????????????

soveryshocked
soveryshocked
5 years ago

ohmygod yes they do need to relearn their pronouns. I recently got a hoovering email challenging NC, that suggested that as some time has passed, maybe we could talk “without either one of us being worried about the other one manipulating them”. Gold. I got conscripted into the manipulator club while on NC I guess.

Inescapable
Inescapable
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Oh yes. This is what I got as well. When I asked for therapy or even a nice nackten, he said it should not take this much work to make me want to sleep with him.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
5 years ago
Reply to  Inescapable

What is ”nackten” ??

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

I looked it up – either German for ‘naked’, or the name of a bath-mat from IKEA!! ????

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
5 years ago

Haaa! That’s pure comedy gold.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago

????

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

Perceived problem: I am unhappy about something (doesn’t really matter what).

Adult solution: Process and manage my emotions, analyze the issues and facts at hand, remember that other people also matter and some things that are important don’t feel good, get my head around my actual sphere of influence, set and enforce healthy boundaries, and strive to make healthy, responsible decisions that don’t harm the people involved and do help what can be helped. Reach out to trusted friends and family and perhaps a therapist for emotional support and cogent advice along the way.

Cheater solution: Distract myself with shiny things that feel good, ignore the harm my choices cause, deceive or lash out at anyone who gets close to my truth, avoid all emotions except happy and smug, and blame anything that doesn’t look good on others to maintain my shiny image, including lying to make sure I look good.

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Thank you, Amiisfree, so grateful to hear others’ stories and takes that make mine feel more common, however ridiculous they are.

Bestill
Bestill
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

All this.

Oh just realized running out on the wife and family doesn’t make me look good.

Cheater Solution: Tell my chump to find a counselor. (while I siphon off our income so I can have love fests in various overseas locations with new woman) .
Tell the world we are having counselling. Spend the sessions blaming the wife for the marriage being over while pretending you are torn between the OW and wife.

Adult Solution: Chump opens her eyes, gets a lawyer and runs a mile.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Bestill

I had no idea that a cheater would sit in umpteen counseling sessions to cover their ass for the discard they were planning. Found out the hard way.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Absolutely.

Why be proactive about feeling unhappy in a marriage? Why actually raise the issue and discuss early on? Why attend MC when suggested? Why?

magical feelings
magical feelings
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

I thought recently, if my ex put as much effort in our marriage as she did sneaking and lying then we could have had a brilliant relationship. But adulting is too hard, too hard for fuckwits.

NoMorePattyCake
NoMorePattyCake
5 years ago

Magical, during the brutal discard my stbx told me the howorker asked him if he had tried as hard to save his marriage as he had tried to pursue the affair would he still be with his wife. His reply… of course I’d be with my wife.
So he knew the adult solution but made the selfish choice to destroy two marriages.

BlindsidedCHMP
BlindsidedCHMP
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

My xw exactly.

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

THIS!
Well said as always Amiisfree!!!

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

All of this, amiisfree!

Plus: Work out more because that will solve all my emotional problems because I don’t know how to work on emotional issues or support my wife.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Nailed it, @amiisfree!

And @SingleMommy, I feel your pain. Deeply.

SingleMommy
SingleMommy
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

This!

Problem: we have a newborn.

Adult: Read up on postpartum, talk about how I am feeling to my SO, look for support and advice from friends and professionals, exercise and try to figure out what “healthy” is now that I’ve pushed a baby out of me.

Cheater/Abussive Ex: pressure me to get my 6 week check up and blame outback problems on the fact that we can’t have sex, encourage me to see a therapist because “it’s all in my head” and repeatedly tell me that I’m the crazy one when I ask for help with the finances. It is totally unreasonable for a teacher on maternity leave, who’s paycheck for the last month of leave was $400, to ask for help with the finances…Oh! And then, when she has the gall to kick you out, make sure you tell her that you never cheated on her and will still love her DESPITE the crazy and irrational things she’s doing right now.

Happy chump fka struggling
Happy chump fka struggling
5 years ago
Reply to  SingleMommy

“Pressure to get six week checkup”. Omg yes. My ex basically tortured me with relentless pressure for sex during pregnancies, after the birth, when I was exhausted caring for small children, or sick, or a toddler crying in my face in the middle of the night, basically all the time. Just absolute torture. That was 20 years ago and I can’t tell you how badly I regret that I didn’t get out of the marriage then. Hang in there singlemommy, you are so much better off without him

no-way
no-way
5 years ago

I was desperate for sex when I was pregnant. He wouldn’t oblige…. Enough said.

unexpectedchumpiness
unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago

Grrrrrrrrr……post partum.

Problem: I had to have a second c-section despite all my efforts to not have another one because the first one was rather traumatic for me. I now have terrible post partum (can’t sleep and can’t eat because I was afraid my husband would cheat, leave us and take away my new baby) while parenting a 4 year old and moving across the world 5 weeks after having an early birth all while my new husband is deployed for 6 months.

Caring husband solution 1: Help your wife as much as you can by showing support and empathy even though you are deployed. Let her know that she is loved and cared for and you will be back as soon as you can so we can be a family. Listen to her and understand that this happens to women all the time and they can get through this and don’t judge her for the rest of her life on this planet for having post partum.

Caring husband solution 2: Take an emergency leave (PAID) from your deployment and come home to support super struggling wife, new baby, 4 yo, grandma and friends and family who are helping out.

Cheater/narc solution: Show no empathy or care. Continue to be fake nice by sending a few gifts here and there. Get super pissed because I’m not “better yet”, says he’s leaving me and tries to send his mother from California to TAKE OUR NEW BABY AWAY FROM ME because baby “needs to be somewhere safe” (new baby has been with me and my mother since birth). Changes his mind a few days later and says he’s coming home and loves me. Three months later says he’ll divorce me if I continue with my treatments. Treats me like shit for the next two years, tells me whenever I bring up the Post Partum “that’s on you, that’s your problem, I don’t really care” and less than two years later fucks the blonde with the Bible, abandon his family, lies and files for MAJORITY custody of the now 2 yo and blames it all on me because he “lost all respect for me when I had post partum because all he can see now when he looks at me is a spoiled rotten middle class white girl”. Sorry for being human. And white. And middle class. And for existing.

Guess who didn’t get majority custody? All of the pregnancy/post-partum cheaters are assholes.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago

What the hell???

I never knew there were so many Creatures masquerading as humans until this happened to me!
Hope your life is 100% better now, chumpiness x

unexpectedchumpiness
unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago

Artist,

The worst part? I didn’t even realize how fucked up it all was until after he left me and I thought back over our relationship and I came out of his abusive spell. I needed this reminder to trust that he sucks.

My life isn’t better…I still miss that turd most days. He’s just so sparkly. (Ummm, I guess I’m not out of his abusive spell….thank god for no contact)
Cheaters suck.

xoxoxo

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago

They can make us feel so special, wanted and unique when it suits them. That part hurts after the break up.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago

In a similar place to you I think – worst part for me is that until he found his Dream Princess and actually did measurable obvious Wrong, neither did I realise how fucked up things were. And I tho its now a cliche I think he does have some disorder and never acted out of malice. He’s not so sparkly to me nowadays especially since I’ve seen effect of his passive aggressive stuff on kids, but I still miss him and he sparkles for a lot of other people. Xoxoxo

Jesso
Jesso
5 years ago
Reply to  SingleMommy

I can relate so well SingleMommy. Mine gaslighted me and made me go to therapy for PPD while he was being abusive and cheating. I kept trying to tell my counselor and she thought I was misinterpreting him because of PPD. I could hardly function after emergency c section, NICU and then with his rage abuse after delivery where he lied about cheating with coworker through my whole pregnancy and after. Also I was scared of him and had to break the 6 week rule to keep his rage at bay.

oldcrone
oldcrone
5 years ago
Reply to  Jesso

You got six weeks off? I had so much tearing after the first, that the delivery nurse said “Oh my god, I’ve never seen so many stitches!”. (Please, if you are a nurse or doctor, don’t say this kind of thing out loud to someone on the table.) I was torn up, down and sideways. When I came home three days later, we had sex. Not my choice, but I felt like I could not say no. VERY painful, but he didn’t care. I needed to do my “wifely duties”. Three years later, and he had me feel his erection in the recovery room after I just gave birth to number two. We hadn’t even held our child at that point. Of course, to give him credit, he hadn’t had a chance to see his current OW that day. Can’t go more than one day without sex, doncha know.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  oldcrone

That is horrible.
I’m so sorry you went through that.
Giving birth to DS1 was actually a turn off for exh1, he never felt desire for me the same again and made no bones about it to me.
I was 22, had just given birth to my first child, and he tells.me he’ll never be attracted to me again.
Three years later, D-Day 1.
Ugh.
(((((hugs)))))

sarafranchesca
sarafranchesca
5 years ago
Reply to  oldcrone

oldcrone-this is heartbreaking and reminds me of my ex husband. It’s taken me a long time to heal from that trauma. Love to you.

betterlatethan
betterlatethan
5 years ago

Disabled wife no longer can carry laundry up the stairs.
Adult solution: Carry her laundry up the stairs.
Cheater solution: Host a drunken night of bondage sex with Craigslist Neo-Nazi while wife away for the night, including the need to naked-launder the desecrated sofa slipcover at midnight hahahaha we’re so drunk cum spillage but Viagra and old dick!

ozchic
ozchic
5 years ago
Reply to  betterlatethan

Ewwww!!! At least Nazi sluzzer didn’t set the house on fire with a Tiki torch. Sorry you were married to such a selfish douche-canoe.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago
Reply to  betterlatethan

OMFG! ????????????????????. “drunk cum spillage but Viagra and old dick!”

Sickening but oh so true!

Egans
Egans
5 years ago
Reply to  betterlatethan

OMG! You can’t make that shit up!!??!!

Nveragain
Nveragain
5 years ago
Reply to  betterlatethan

I’m so sorry that occurred in your home. ????

ChumpYouMofo
ChumpYouMofo
5 years ago
Reply to  betterlatethan

I shouldn’t be laughing but that is one hell of a way to avoid adulting!

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago

Problem: Young adult life has many forks in the road where decisions are to be made: Career goals ad the education needed to attain them, religious affiliation (stay with the faith of your FOO or branch out), partnering options, use of substances, how one opts to entertain ones self while pursuing goals.

Adult options: Choose options wisely and know that changes are possible but complicated. Be honest with the people you encounter in your journey. Take responsibility for the decisions you make. Be faithful to the commitments you make.

Cheater/Narc option: bask in the glory of all of your options, but resist actually making a decision on anything. Get angry and disgruntled that you cant have everything. After you have chosen your career, education and partner, inwardly seethe that you couldnt have this or that good part of other options. Blame your school, employer and partner for not being everything you wanted them to be. Be hostile to all of them and play people to your advantage while putting on a facade of respectability.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

Problem: I am an adult, but I am sexually aroused enough by children that I begin to engage in activity that is illegal and that harms children.

Adult solution: See how harmful acting on these feelings could be to others and myself and seek treatment before I act them out or the first time I had and myself acting on them.

Cheater solution: Pursue children and young adults sexually, consequences and harm notwithstanding, and use all manner of manipulation to protect my ability to do so. Leave my partner to clean up the mess if I am caught and criminally prosecuted. Expect my partner to still “stand by me” (read: do what I want and think I am awesome) in the aftermath.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

@Amiisfree please tell me your ex freak show pos is in prison where he can’t get his hands on any children!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

Sadly, no. Not that I know of, anyway. And as a tech expert, he is unlikely to get caught.

My divorce was many years ago and times have changed a lot. If it were today, I would do it differently.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Michael Pearl of To Train Up A Child ministries thinks that wives of pedophiles should be waiting for their husbands with open arms once they get out of jail for the crimes of pedophila. “Because she’s the ‘helpmeet’ and her primary and God-given role is to serve her husband’”

Such a sick bastard.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Sounds like it’s time for the authorities to search that guy’s computer.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

????

ironhardempress
ironhardempress
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

git a rope (For people like Micheal Pearl)

DavidB
DavidB
5 years ago

Problem: I could be emotionally distant. Finances were a mess. I wasn’t involved in our kids lives (I raised them alone while she worked out of town Mon-Friday). That problem always perplexed me. I got them up to school, homework done, dinner and taxi driver all with a full time job!
Solution: seek some professional help, quit telling me my thoughts were stupid, told her to quit using credit cards to buy everything she and the kids wanted!
Cheater solution: go chase here high school bf. her true love. When that failed, go screw a 26 year old.
Best adult solution would have been for her to divorce me.

TitsAndAssAndAllThat
TitsAndAssAndAllThat
5 years ago

Problem: kids exclude dad from their lives and pretty much ignore his existence. He says Wife #2 spreads lies about him and saying he cheated when she’s the one who cheated! She says he’s a drunk but she allowed my kids to see booze in the house! How dare she! She broke my family apart!

Chump response: make nice home, break personal bank account and back to create and host wonderful family gatherings, publicly support husband and denounce Wife #2 as crazy bitch. Hide booze in the house and cover his tracks so he looks like an angel.

Cheater response: LMAO! Got another sucker to believe me! Get smashed every fucking night, stay up late sexting anything with two legs, leave town on business and meet up with married sluts (they’re safer… they won’t tell, ha ha!!) ROFL!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago

When all you can think about is your dick, all your problems start to look like 20-year-olds….

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
5 years ago

“When all you can think about is your dick, all your problems start to look like 20-year-olds….”

OMG that’s hilarious.

PutAForkInMe
PutAForkInMe
5 years ago

Problem: His boss was trying to be the boss of him and, when that didn’t work, put him on a performance plan.

Solution: Do your job, be a professional, toe the line until you find another position.

Cheater response: Lie to your wife, quit your job, hang out in the basement playing video games, and bang a Tumblr porn star.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
5 years ago
Reply to  PutAForkInMe

Mine too. He was on probation and instead of shaping up, he retired (giving me three weeks notice). I found all of the documentation on my home computer (where he had his work info downloaded prior to retirement). The affair with his subordinate may have been a part of his work “problems”. That was in 2014… at the ripe old age of 58. I am still working.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago

Problem: You’re a rather gay man who’s also very religious, and while you don’t really want to explore the gay bit, you ARE worried that people will find out about it.

Solution: Get a good group of mixed-sex friends, get busy, enjoy being religious, and learn to stop worry about being found out. Tell a few very trusted confidantes about the gay thing. Tell snoopers you don’t really feel called to marriage, because you can serve God better doing what you’re doing.

Cheater solution: Select a series of slightly middle-aged and desperate religious single ladies, and get involved in long, avoidant, ambivalent dating relationships that start with hints of marriage and quickly fizzle out. String them along for years, while sneakily also wooing dating much younger girls who look up to you and who haven’t worked out the gay bit yet. Be completely unable to break up with anyone honestly, so find a lifeboat replacement pseudo-relationship and jump ship that way.

KB22
KB22
5 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

What is it with closeted gay men still cheating & leaving their wives for yet other women? Are they just misogynists and like to destroy women?

noonenowhere
noonenowhere
5 years ago
Reply to  KB22

They love deception. They need to deceive. It’s what keeps the thrill alive. They don’t care who they hurt as long as they are gratified.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago
Reply to  KB22

This guy has serious issues – he is a mess. I don’t hate him, but I wish he would get some help and stop using women. He doesn’t fuck them, but he fucks them over.

He IS a misogynist, like his (ghastly control freak emasculating and infantilizing) dad, but acts all huffy when this is pointed out, because he opens the car door for ladies and picks up the check. And anyway he doesn’t fuck! Not like slutty people! He is a Good Person! And anyway, he pays for dinner!

I did a lot of skein-untangling, and it wasn’t a complete waste of time – especially not as it got scarier the further in I went!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago

Problem: You’re a damaged guy whose dad cheated on his mom, and left you very screwed up from 10 years of wreckonciliation. You’re in love with a woman, but it’s triggering a lot of bad stuff for you. She leaves you because she’s sick of being hit and abused.

Solution: Accept it, and move on after a suitable grieving process, and get some professional help to deal with the mother-rage triggers.

Cheater solution: Wreckoncile with departed girlfriend, and then refer to this as the time she cheated on you. Cheat on her with her friends, and also with old female friends of your own. Continue hitting her and abusing her. Act surprised and hard done by when she leaves you again, this time permanently.

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago

Problem: Overall dissatisfaction with life

Chump solution: Look at what’s making you unhappy, seek out new fun things, talk to spouse about reconnecting, recognize that some stressful situations are temporary and will pass, talk to spouse about problems, work on improving self emotionally, lose some weight.

Cheater solution: Work out more because having big arm muscles will make me a better emotional person, talk to sister (instead of spouse) who thinks like me and will reinforce my bad behavior plus she thinks she “knows” my spouse so we can manipulate her, seek out hookers because I have ED which I refuse to discuss with my wife, keep letting her think that her problems are the biggest problems in our marriage, never support my wife because then she might need me and nobody is the boss of me.

Jennifer
Jennifer
5 years ago

Problem: My boss made a sarcastic, unnecessary comment that pissed me off today.

Adult response: This is the way she is. She is a bitch and the only thing I can control is my own reaction. Also she is this way to everybody. It’s not like I’m special.

Cheater response: Go out and get so shitfaced that I can barely walk and fuck a stripper that I just met, because my boss has no right to be so mean to me and now I has a sadz.

I currently live in the Upper Peninsula and it is beautiful, especially at this time of year. But the “beer culture” around here, which is just a euphemism for “rampant alcoholism” combined with a depressed economy and a bunch of people with no sense of consequences or the ability to think more than 10 minutes into the future, is why the above scenario occurred and one of the reasons that we are moving from here next week. I am going to miss the U.P. and my friends, but not the alcoholic culture.

Maria73
Maria73
5 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

Jennifer, I’m from Iron River (originally)! Totally agree about the beer culture!

Jennifer
Jennifer
5 years ago
Reply to  Maria73

We are in Ironwood, so everyone has convenient and easy access to all the bars and strip clubs in Hurley, WI. I asked DH to look around his favorite bar and tell me how many of the regulars holding down bar stools had happy marriages. No answer.

Jennifer
Jennifer
5 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

Although we’ve taken a few international trips and he’s starting to figure out that “normal” for Ironwood/Hurley isn’t necessarily normal. We went to Taiwan and we were walking around the streets when he suddenly exclaimed, “You know, everyone around here is having a good time and nobody’s stumbling around drunk.”

I’m just thinking, “We had to fly to the other side of the world for you to figure out that that’s possible?” He wants to do right in life, but as long as we live here he’s always going to have those influences. I love my in-laws with all my heart, but they are all heavy drinkers with the exception of his uncle, who quit and everyone else he hangs out with drinks constantly.

Prison Chump
Prison Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

I thought 3 years in jail and living in a new town would finally make him sober. Sadly it didn’t. He needs treatment and a willingness to change. Sadly the drinking culture is everywhere and binge drinking is seen as normal. I wish you all the best and I hope he gets help.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago

Problem: Cheater alienated everyone in his family and mine. And he was terminally bored.

Adult Solution: Treat people better. Find hobbies and activities. Travel (we could afford it).

Cheater Solution: Find an OW with a lot of kids, and big extended family, and try to run off with her and become part of her family. Spend years buying things, cars, motorcycles, moving house.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
5 years ago

Problem: I’m not where I want to be professionally and financially due to decisions made by both of us, and things outside of our control. I’m almost 50 and feeling like I’ve failed. I deserve more, I’m special, mommy said so. Why isn’t it all just happening easily?

Solution option 1: Talk to my wife about my insecurities, feelings etc., make decisions together. Talk. Be a team. After all, we’ve been together over 25 years and have never had problems. Actually, this is a common issue and happens a lot mid life. No shame.

Solution option 2: Ignore wife’s requests for marital therapy, go to IC and lie. Then lie in MC to make wife shut the f up. Grab all control I can, tell my wife nothing about decisions I’m making that affect the whole family, ignore the crying and confusion that greets me when (if) I come home and find a direct report who thinks I’m a rich entrepreneur. Allow her to think my dick is an ATM machine (albeit a squishy one) and choose to believe hollow, totally ridiculous compliments over hard truths. Fuck her for 8 months and make my problems even bigger, lose respect of my kids, and become a punchline. Original problem is totally still there, just nastier and more complicated. End all my texts with smh and crying emojis.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
5 years ago

Problem: I went through early menopause and it caused health problems and depression. I worked and full time and as per a court order was designated to pick my grand-daughter up two days a week at daycare and she lived with us part time. I paid all the bills.
Adult Solution: Be understanding of wife’s early menopause and the health issues it caused. Contribute more money to the household bills. Help out with our grand-daughter and be more supportive.
Cheater Solution: Restore a 1970 Dodge Dart. Refuse to put wife on his health insurance(cost to much). Cheat with wife’s cousin and slander wife’s name to cousin. Hide money in his parents safe. Sell 1970 Dodge Dart and stash the cash. Then blame wife for cheating.

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

I went through early menopause. Messed up the girly parts and my sex life. Big hugs to you!!

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

Miss Bailey – me too, and identical Cheater Problem to me! Menopause over for me at 41. Chump Lady can you do a special on early menopause? Combined with male mid-life crisis and probable covert narcissism, Chumpdom almost inevitable!
Hugs to MB and CuzChump x

Unexpectedchumpiness
Unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago

Problem: NONE

Adult Solution: Keep living our awesome upper-middle class life that we worked hard to build with two beautiful kids, a new four-bedroom pool home, lots of love and good sex, and tons of great family and friends with bbqs on the weekends and a wife that supports me whole-heartedly while I pursue my Masters degree and my very lucrative career.

Cheater solution: Blow up our marriage and life for fresh sex with a blonde with big tits and a Bible, act like it never happened, blame it all on your wife having post partum 3 years ago and “reasons” and proceed forward without a glance backwards at the junk pile. Because your future looks so “bright”.

Ragingmeh
Ragingmeh
5 years ago

And I thought I was the only one. Seriously, I make bank, am attractive, didn’t have him on a leash, loved to have sex …. and suddenly it wasnt enough and the past 17 years disappeared in the blink of an eye. His new very intense friendship w a co worker had nothing to do with it…..and he went straight textbook narc overnight. Wtf.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Ragingmeh

I wasn’t a great fan of sex but I did love the intimacy and loved giving him pleasure. I have several times now seen chumps commenting on their great sex life with ex, which kind of reassures me that it wasn’t just about the sex… Ex used porn, which frankly put me right off him for some time when babies were little, I’m not judgemental about people who do use it, but I do loathe the stuff.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
5 years ago

Ugh. This one is so typical. I hope you are doing well without him!

Unexpectedchumpiness
Unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilowy,

I’m trying to pick my life back up but it’s super hard. I’m trying to trust that he sucks but he doesn’t really suck very bad, especially compared to all the other assclown cheaters on here. If he sucked more this would honestly be easier for me ????. I try not to unravel the skein…but omg why? Why, why, why, why would anyone do that?

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago

“I try not to unravel the skein…but omg why? Why, why, why, why would anyone do that?”

To this day I just don’t get it. Our whole life and assets destroyed, for what?

The disdain with which he treats me, you would not believe that we spent all that time together, went through so much, loved so much, made children.

This fundamental lack of connection (Switch – OFF!) I will never understand, really.

unexpectedchumpiness
unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Patsy,

That’s all I can come up with too, the fundamental lack of connection switch is OFF. It has been super glued OFF. They paint that switch in neon colors and put glitter on it and a disco ball circles on top of it which makes you think that it’s ON somewhere in there. No. It is OFF. For good.

It’s called narcissism. Cleverly disguised as “niceness” “charming” “caring” which gets them admiration, adoration and respect. All of which they don’t deserve. Biggest con artists out there.

xoxo hugs to you.

FoolMeOnce
FoolMeOnce
5 years ago

Unexpectedchuminess – Been there done that with a few revisions:

Adult Solution: Support whole-heartedly husband all through 20-year military career – uprooting self and two children many times. Deal with total selfishness and entitlement during this period. Manage all family finances to ensure that “money burns a hole in his pocket” doesn’t ruin the family’s future. Make sure that husband’s three Masters degrees and Law degree are all financed properly so that he graduates from each debt free. Stands by husband after he almost throws law degree away in a temper tantrum and then finally, almost accidentally, gets a job in a very small law firm that continually underpays him. Try to give husband sound advice about career prospects and is told that I don’t tell him – it’s HIS career. Get blindsided after 35-year marriage and find out about divorce proceedings through credit card statement with his lawyer’s contingency fee on it.

Cheater Solution: Be a narcissistic pain in the ass for the entire 35-year marriage. Be a terrible husband and father for the entire duration. Present self to outside world as Mr. Wonderful-Nice Guy. Only show true self to hapless wife, son, and daughter.
Suddenly become extremely “religious” again and ramp up the fake sterling public persona. Make sure that wife is out of town watching baby granddaughter, go to high school reunion that he swore for years that he had no interest in. “Accidentally” run into class homecoming queen that he’s had an unrequited crush on and held a torch for all these years. Excitedly learn that she is now divorced for the third time and free!
Immediately start over-the-top devaluation of wife with full-on blame shifting, gaslighting, you name it! Wife continues to be clueless for months despite increasingly bad behavior from him – kinda like a frog not noticing that it is being boiled to death in a vat of water. Not being able to “take it anymore” (after continually turning family life into a battlefield over the most insignificant things), don’t return to family home after a business trip. Instead send wife e-mail the next morning, (after wife had been driving around searching for him at 4 am once she realized that he hadn’t come home), with a link to an apartment complex and the words, “I guess that our 35-year conversation is over.”
Could have knocked wife over with a feather. Secretly move in with now-girlfriend telling all that will listen that they are reunited high school sweethearts – which of course is a complete lie. Basically never talk to wife again – only communicate through very nasty, toxic, blameshifting, delusional e-mails. Culminate all with a ridiculously expensive divorce and take new wife vacationing all over the country and world.

got-a-brain
got-a-brain
5 years ago

Problem: Feelings are hurt

Solution: Lets talk about it, help me understand.

Cheater Response: Lock self in bedroom, sign up for hook-up sites, and watch porn for hours.

Problem: Chump sets boundary that she will not ride on motorcycle because of cheaters reckless nature and reckless driving. Loss of license several times. With 3 young children, chooses not to take the risk.

Solution: Tells pouty cheater that bought motorcycle after chump opposed purchase to enjoy himself on motorcycle. Cheater spends many weekends on motorcycle camping trips while chump takes care of house/children/bills/etc.

Cheater Response: Go on vacation with brother, rent motorcycle, invite stripper on date to ride on motorcycle. Invite stripper to hotel room. Begin an affair with stripper because “your wife wouldn’t ride on your motorcycle!”

Problem: Cheater couldn’t get mortgage because of 5 years of tax extensions

Solution: Get accountant all documents necessary to complete taxes.

Cheater Response: Cash out half of life savings to buy house cash, wait another 3 years for court to compel taxes. During that time spend as much money as possible and then cry poor to the court. Blame chump for taxes not getting filed which amounted to 300K in tax debt, much of which was from cashing out stocks to purchase house.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
5 years ago

Problem: My wife put herself through graduate school with me obstructing and 2 preschool kids and has a much more well paying job

Adult solution: Support wife and be proud of her accomplishments while enjoying the better financial situation due to well paying job with better hours, benefits.

Cheater solution: Start screwing granny ho truck driver 13 years older than me. Lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny and gaslight. Throw in some abuse. Forge wife’s name to loans for family business. Avoid jail time. Continue to threaten and drag ex wife to court. Lie and gaslight some more to now teenage kids so they have a minimal relationship with their mother because I am mad she moved on.

True story. Can’t make this stuff up.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

Problem: Too many toys, books, children’s clothes in the house as Adult #1 juggles full time job & 90% of the parenting.

Adult 2 SHOULD offer to take kids for a whole day so Adult 1 can sort through closets and the playroom for a Goodwill pile.

Adult 2 actually: Seducing and banging a graduate student on her twin bed will distract me from the clutter in the house.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, you forgot the part about accusing her of being a hoarder…

#metoo#toysbooksclothes

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

Yes! My post D-day smear campaign by Hannibal was largely centered around my being a “hoarder.”

I’ve since realized that if that was the only thing he could say bad about me during our 24-year relationship, I must have been a pretty good wife.

NorWillIKeepBeingChumped
NorWillIKeepBeingChumped
5 years ago

Problem: Both of us have demanding jobs and don’t get to spend time together anymore. Wife feels like our emotional connection is diminishing.

Adult Solution: Try to make an evening a week we can spend together and have a nice time, in or out of the house, sometimes with friends (I suggested this; there was always an excuse). Remind each other of the things we appreciate about each other.

Cheater Solution: Chat all today at work with a married man who has five kids (and a pregnant wife). Sneak away for “work trips” with said married man. Become much more distant and unavailable; spend all hours at home “working” in the home office.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
5 years ago

Problem: What to do with a house, land and 20 years of possessions after Affair discovery, discard and Divorce?

Adult Solution: Talk with x about what is necessary to empty house, sell it/rent it and disposition remaining material possessions. Arrange date to separate possessions, box up and move/store/dispose/gift same. Go NC when fully cognizant of current reality. Rent storage container and store what is usable and non-triggering, sell/gift discard what is necessary to de-clutter life. Leave all remnant possessions of cheating wife in said marital home. Meet new people, return to physical & mental conditioning of 57 year old body/soul. Watch female reactions to HOT divorcee husband and begin to rebuild self-image and self-value. Reduce cost of living and enjoy music again. Learn to be Happy that Cheater is written off as disordered and not necessary for a Happy life. Stay away from sexual relationships and learn not to deposit hurt on other human beings.

Cheater Solution: Move in with AP and begin triangulation with other APs & spouse. Visit quarterly to pick up mail/bills and relish new TRUWUV (of self) in front of suffering spouse. Don’t pay property taxes,bills,etc. Run up credit debt, buy new clothes and accessories, Align Switzerland daughter for moral support and alienate grandchildren from x-spouse. Rent house to x-spouses best friend for additional cheating money. Try to engage (gray-rocking) x-spouse every so often to test waters for reactions-negative or positive..

nodancing
nodancing
5 years ago

They don’t cheat because they have poor problem management skills, they cheat because they live life with a singular purpose: to do what they want when they want. This is anti-social and they know it so they build a fantasy around them for the benefit of others to maintain their image and continue doing what they want when they want. Everything that happens to them or near them, good or bad, is just a tool they can pick up for later use. They don’t really care if we supposedly wrong them, in fact I believe they prefer it, because what is more powerful than being a victim??? Nothing. And they can make themselves victim out of anything. I bought a kitchen trashcan and he rode that horse like he was a victim for months.

Lyn
Lyn
5 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

Or as my ex wrote, I don’t have to follow society’s rules. I can make my own rules!

ChumpYouMofo
ChumpYouMofo
5 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

How dare you buy a kitchen trash can. You were asking to be cheated on, acting that way. /sarcasm

Lastinline
Lastinline
5 years ago

Issue: my career is starting to take off and I know that, generally speaking, men in my position look more mature and stable if they’re married, but I don’t want to give up all the fun stuff because I want to be 19 forever and drink and fuck around with no consequence.

Adult solutions/options:
1. Be honest with yourself and know that you don’t want to give up the single, party life. Just don’t let it affect your career.
2. Grow the fuck up and realize that you haven’t been 19 in a few years now.

Cheater solution:
Go ahead and get married anyway and keep your single life on the side. Now you look like a nice stable family man without having to give up any fun. This way, you can have it both ways!

When everything started coming out about his serial cheating, my ex straight up told me that he married me because I looked good and that made him look good. He said that I was “good for business.” Swear on my life. I’ll never forget those words.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Lastinline

Good for business, wow. How calculating

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
5 years ago

Problem:
I’m a 23-year old newled woman whose doting husband takes her on vacations to the Caribbean, takes her out on date night every week, and calls her several times at work every day. I “work” at a “job”/paid hobby 20 hours a week, and spend evenings at the beach.
But, I have poor self-esteem about my body, and I think my mom secretly loves my sister more. I’m easily bored .
Adult solution:
Grow the f*** up. Become an actual “adult.”

Cheater solution:
Cheat with guys at work who are old enough to be my father, or even grandfather. Engage in gossip all day instead of doing what little work is required. Secretly rack up $9,000 in credit card debt (more than half her actual income for the year) without telling husband.

blondebarrister
blondebarrister
5 years ago

Sadly, I’ve learned that Eeyore (cheater ex) cheated on me throughout our entire relationship from dating through 7 years of marriage. I don’t even know how to identify that problem!

Adult Solution: Break up with chump and don’t ask her to marry him?

Cheater Solution: Ask chump to marry him. Continue cheating. Buy secretary boob job. Continue cheating until chump *finally* discovers.

I really am glad to be rid of such a pathological liar. I feel like I’m closer and closer to meh each and every day.

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
5 years ago

Just reading everyone’s comments and had an epiphany.
You see, I used to wonder why whenever a problem came up, the Worm would make the problem worse instead of fixing the problem. For example, we were driving on the highway once and traffic was horrible. He started yelling at me. Then the engine gave out, more yelling and he hit the windshield and knocked the review mirror off.
I’m just relaxing that this seems to be a common thing with cheaters.
A problem comes up and chumps try to solve it. Cheaters make it worse…..

Wormfree 2017
Wormfree 2017
5 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

Realizing not relaxing…..sheesh. Spell check strikes again!

Chumpiness
Chumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

Ugh! I used to hate this! I could never be disappointed, frustrated, sad, etc. about anything that happened – missed event/traffic/death in family – without ex having a huge reaction that took up all the room.

It felt like he left no space for the kids and I to have any feelings about things that happened. No wonder I felt like I had disappeared.

Teaching kids now that they *can* take up space, their emotions – and mine – are allowed. It’s been a challenge.

Lastinline
Lastinline
5 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

That’s because it gives them an excuse to do what they already want to do or are already doing.

If they can’t find something wrong, they’ll invent something. That way, when their whores or anyone else asks why they’re cheating, they have a sad story ready.

The reality is that they’re always going to do whatever they want because they literally feel just that entitled. That’s why the issues they use to justify their cheating only come out AFTER they’re caught. If they actually discussed it beforehand like a human being with an above room temperature IQ, it might give their spouse a chance to try to remedy the situation and they can’t have all that because it takes away their excuse and therefore their chance to have fun!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

Yep, they neeeeeeeeeed that centrality. They grab that spotlight by the ears and focus it right back on themselves. Must look shiniest at all costs, either by being the best thing or being the most important thing that requires immediate attention.

Champ
Champ
5 years ago

Problem: Anything.

Adult solution: Ask, Acknowledge, Discuss.

Cheater solution: Avoid, Deny, Blameshift.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  Champ

So. Damn. True.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Simple. Elegant. Truth.

AC
AC
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Problem: The bathroom stinks. There is a cold yellow puddle on the floor in front of the toilet that appeared during the night. The house stinks.

Adult solution: Clean up after yourself. Use the cleaning wipes conveniently placed next to the toilet to wipe down the toilet, particularly the outside. Wipe up the puddle in the morning. Keep a mat on the floor in front of the toilet and wash it regularly. Rake the cat box twice a day and change the litter when it smells bad or stops clumping.

Lazy narc solution: Ignore any mess below knee level. Claim that the toilet smells bad because it’s poorly designed. Occasionally pour toilet cleaner inside the bowl only; don’t bother brushing it. Drop a mat on the floor in front of the toilet and leave it there until it turns yellow and the cat tries to bury it. Ignore the cat box, but complain about the scatter underfoot. Claim that you’re used to the smell and it doesn’t bother you, then run up doctor bills trying to diagnose why you snore and have trouble sleeping. Complain that your wife is a cold bitch because she moved to the spare room on the other side of the house.

meh.twain
meh.twain
5 years ago

Problem: I’m ‘cheater’ and its all about me and no-one is looking at me, did I say this is about me?? Why arent you looking at me, why arent you figuring out how to look at me, I want to be the centre of everything and did I say ME? ME ME ME ME ME ME – you are pathetic without me, I am awesome and you are only of some value because of ME!! Me me me me me…..

Adult solution: grow the fuck up and start being a decent husband and father

Cheater solution: Fuck co-worker many decades junior then blame wife when she discovers fucking, after all… cheater is the important one here and what he wants matters most, Co worker delivered mighty kibble package. And did cheater say …. me me me me me me me? You betcha!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  meh.twain

Side note: brilliant userpseudonym!

Madam Pince
Madam Pince
5 years ago

Problem: I’m too special to hold a job and support my family.

Adult Solution: Grow the fuck up. Get a job. Support your family.

Cheater Solution: Not my problem. I’m going to spend all day on the computer “job-searching.” I’m going to spend all night upstairs “watching tv.” Make 50-year old, stay-at-home wife get a low-paying clerical job. Teenagers all work for minimum wage. Wife’s parents keep family afloat. Family headed for financial disaster. College costs money? Not my problem.

Chump Solution: Obtained divorce. Everyone no contact with the sperm donor. We’re poor but free!

JC
JC
5 years ago

Problem:
Chump just moved out on cheater and filed for divorce. Both chump and cheater’s lives are up in the air and financial lives have to be totally re-arranged.

Chump (My) Solution:
Rent furnished studio apartment in shitty neighborhood. Temporarily cut back on 401k contribution. Eat PB&J for lunch every day. Decline to attend three cousins’ weddings due to costs. Temporarily quit all drinking. Focus on eating, sleep, exercise, and steady workload in the office.

Cheater (XW) solution:
Continue living in marital home on one income. Go solo to Tahiti! Go on trips with OM! Get blackout drunk! Complain that Chump left me paying all of the monthly expenses. Rely on Chump to do taxes “married filing jointly” one last time.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago
Reply to  JC

What, why wouldn’t you do the taxes? I mean, since when does her cheating mean you get to stop being a useful spouse-appliance?

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
5 years ago

Problem: boredom.

Adult solution: look around the house at all the things that need maintenance or repair and tackle some.

Cheater solution: send flirty text messages to waitresses & underlings at work… or play video games for hours.

ozchic
ozchic
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

Oh goodness yes!!!! That is my life!!! But sometimes he watches football and plays games on his phone at the same time.

FedUpChump
FedUpChump
5 years ago

Problem: Financial stress and busy with toddler. Also just learned that we were pregnant again with dd.
Adult solution: Go over expenses and try to work out some personal time together
What actually happened:

Husband started affair with co-worker. Delved further into financial distress because husband was spending our $$ on co-worker. Husband left me, pregnant, and toddler to play house with co-worker.

JerseyChump
JerseyChump
5 years ago

Adult: Vow to love, honor, and cherish till death do us part. Have children, create a family, build a legacy, build financial stability, act happy, make short term sacrifices for long term gain, plan together for the future, have each others’ backs.

Cheater: Just Kidding!!

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
5 years ago
Reply to  JerseyChump

Awesome, JerseyChump. (Shout out from a Woodbridge girl!). This whole discussion is ah-mazing!

emulos
emulos
5 years ago
Reply to  JerseyChump

To the .

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago

Problem: (In Mr. Sparkles voice): “I miss us. We need to talk more.”

Adult Solution: Mr. Sparkles take the lead in planning a date, arranging for the babysitter, realizing that “effort” is sexy. Or just be waiting in the bedroom one night with a bottle of wine and candles lit so that when I’m done putting our son to sleep I feel desired as a woman.

Cheater Solution: Mr. Sparkles plays Xbox in his office or is downstairs watching “The Walking Dead” while I’m putting our son to sleep… every night… and I go to bed alone.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago

Yep – Skyrim stole my husband!! ????

ninon
ninon
5 years ago

Problem: Wife got a job and husband didn’t. After moving for said job, wife is suddenly dealing with the return of chronic health issues that have long been dormant and are challenging to both.

Adult solution: Be happy for and supportive of wife! Since husband has been trying to get a job in his field for years and years without success, decide that it is time to consider another field and work full-time to support the family while continuing to look for that dream position. Be accountable and vulnerable in couples therapy; find ways to empathize with and care for wife while she is ill.

Cheater Solution: Be angry at and resentful of wife–tell her not to talk about her job at home. Keep working part-time while wife is the lone/primary breadwinner. Blame her for her illness; refuse to show compassion, hug her, or ask how she is doing. Pursue a project that does not pay and apply to jobs in other states that will require wife to quit her job (after all, the husband is the husband). Travel constantly to exotic locales in support of the not-yet-arrived career; leave wife at home to work full-time and take care of the kid! Have an affair while going to couples therapy each week and pretending to work on the relationship. Abandon wife!

Sobeyondmeh
Sobeyondmeh
5 years ago

Problem: Moved to a new state and after 4 months being there, haven’t made any close friends.

Adult solutions: Join clubs, get a job, meet neighbors and invite them over to hang out.

Cheater solution: Sign up on Ashley Madison to find someone to have an affair with.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago
Reply to  Sobeyondmeh

Huh. Couldn’t even go with AdultFriendFinder for the pun possibilities. Weaksauce.

Kfindingmyway
Kfindingmyway
5 years ago

Problem: I’m bored, I have had this wife appliance for 38 years, I have become wealthy and successful. I need more sparkles and admiration and definitely more sex.

Adult solution: I will address the way I feel with my wife and communicate my needs. We have a beautiful life together , I don’t want to mess this up.

Solution: I’ll have sex with prostitutes when I am out of town on business and sometimes pleasure. For 20 years.
My wife and family will never have to know, I get to have secrets and sex and the pleasure of keeping it alll compartmentalized.

Wife appliance: No you don’t. We had plenty of sex. He had sex with woman the ages of his daughters. Yuck.

Honestyisforsuckers
Honestyisforsuckers
5 years ago
Reply to  Kfindingmyway

K
Disgusting on so many levels… if you can stomach it, watch the movie “ zipper” on Netflix.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
5 years ago

Problem: Unexpected late in life pregnancy (20 years married, 2 tweens)

Adult Solution: Re-adjust future plans. Decide that life will still be good even if different than planned. Support wife through high risk pregnancy.

Cheater Solution: stay out drinking until 1am. Be a no show for dinner, kids’ games and concerts. Start screwing the 23 year old girl that works for you. Lie to wife and raise her stress level. Walk out when wife is 6 months pregnant. Then play mind games for 4 months while trying to funnel assets and income through the 23 year old.

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
5 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Well there’s a special place in hell for this cheater, that’s for sure. Turns a blessing into a nightmare–what an asshole.

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago

Problem solving does not improve when they leave us- case and point:
Problem: I find a small amount of pot in DS18’s room. He lies about it at first.

My solution: Sit son down explain that he has broken the law and my house rules. Explain the consequences if he were to get caught by the police and how that could ruin his chances to play his sport in college in the fall. I repeat my opinions on pot and drug use. I tell him that lying is completely unacceptable to me and that the lie is the worst part. Because he has broken my rules and lied, I tell him he is not allowed to go to senior beach week. He is very disappointed but I follow through with punishment and incident is closed.

Fuckwit solution: Upon finding out about the pot fuckwit sends me a had written letter and email that he is concerned that DS is not a casual pot smoker and that he is all in drug user. Fuckwit asks if we can talk civiily? I respond he is free to discuss whatever he wants with DS. Couple of weeks later, fuckwit tells DS that he wants him to get a drug test. (Sounds reasonable) DS does and is clean. 2 months go by and DS is leaving for college the following day. He has him come into his office when ds returns his car. He accuses DS of being a drug/user/dealer among many other things. He claims to know this because he has a gps on the car and he knows where he stops each day and that it is for the purpose of being and selling drugs. He says there is no way he could afford to eat fast food 56 times so he must be using drug money. (He had a job and there are many other explanations but fuckwit won’t listen) Fuckwit tells him that he will not be able to handle college and he will fail. Son tries to defend himself but fuckwit cusses at him and tells him to get the fuck out and escorts him out.

Two days later after I have dropped DS at college, fuckwit sends me a scathing text that son is buying and selling multiple drugs and I need to step up and parent or my next hate game will be who is paying for DS’s funeral.

(There is no evidence that son is a drug user/deale. He is a teenager in a world where I believe pot is common and readily available).

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

That is just awful! Talk about the Cheater wanting to make the problem worse! It’s like he took your son’s little hiccup as a reason to decide to write him off completely. And to run him down like that just as he (son) is setting off for college! Unconscionable.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Well, on the bright side, with the kid at college there’s practically no reason to talk to ex any more.

Anotherchump
Anotherchump
5 years ago

Problem: the house wasn’t clean enough.

Solution: talk about it. There are four people in this house, were any of your hands broken ?

Cheater solution: go to work and have an ea. Tell the bimbo all your problems and about how your wife (who is letting herself go) doesn’t clean enough for you anymore!

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  Anotherchump

My Cheater solution: you talk to my stepkids because I don’t want to clean either and I’m not going to be roped into the schedule. Plus, it’s your job, not mine (he never said it but we know he thought it).

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago

Problem and not a problem: X’s kids live with us starting in 2009, DD was 14 and DS was 12. They had their own personal baggage and needed guidance and support.

Adult/Chump: Be there for them. Listen to them. Make sure they get off to school. Do homework. Have a life/stay out of the trouble. Pick them up after sport practices, go to games. Make doctor and hair appointments. Do clothes shopping.

Cheater: This is too stressful so I just won’t come home after work until about 9pm when Chump has already picked up her stepkids and made them dinner. I will stay at my sister’s house, out god-knows-where, or fucking (probably happened) – anything to avoid being stressed. Chump can do it all but she better not get mad or act stressed because then I will get stressed even more. Shit, now I need another beer just thinking about all this stress.

Chickynot
Chickynot
5 years ago

Problem:
Life is a string of disasters caused by your irresponsible behavior.
Examples: Get fired for being drunk at work, have serious head injury due to not wearing a helmet, have serious drug reactions (severe hypertension, passing out) due to self-prescribed performance enhancing medications.
Adult solution:
Stop the irresponsible behaviors (alcohol abuse, drunk driving, self-prescribing stimulants, not wearing a helmet, etc.)
Cheater solution:
Come up with “fixes” for each disaster, one by one: Self-prescribe ANOTHER medication to counter the side effects of the stimulants, sue your employer, sue your insurance company, hide income from said insurance company, the IRS, and your spouse because it might endanger your “disability” case, etc., etc. And WHATEVER you do, don’t change the root behaviors, because “over your dead body” does anyone tell you what to do…
Notice I didn’t even include his cheating behaviors, because the above ones just illustrate how my Cluster B thinks, even outside of those. (The cheating ones were along the same lines: problem: what do you do with a pile of under the table money you’re hiding? answer: spend on a double life with hookers, of course.)

onwards
onwards
5 years ago

Chump: In busy family life appreciate the many blessings, treat each other how you like to be treated, make short term sacrifices for long term gain, plan together for a wonderful future, have each others’ backs, talk things through, act with integrity and honesty.

Cheater: Rage and sulk when work is pressured. Feel entitled to unilaterally indulge yourself. Refuse to discuss choices /options. Lie about cheating with howorker.

onwards
onwards
5 years ago
Reply to  onwards

Oops didn’t state the problem. Didn’t really know there was a problem other than his work was pressured and busy. Thought being grouchy was handling the stress not so well. Kept trying harder and hoping things would improve over time.