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Dear Chump Lady, He left me to BLOG with the OW?

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Dear Chump Lady,

I have a question. I am a bit perplexed. My husband ran off with a married coworker. He’s a true runaway, abandoned the kids and I back in January.

A friend sent me a link to a blog today (gotta love the internet). The link opened up to a blog started by my husband and mistress. In their youtube video they are snuggled up on a cozy new couch in their cozy apartment (in a dreamy Cape Cod town), sipping coffee and giving a glowing review of a subscription-based coffee.

Here’s the kicker, or punch in the gut — I am a successful blogger. It’s been my full-time gig for about 3 years. I’ve made great money and it afforded us to have lots of extras in our life together. I often dreamed of us working on a blog together, threw out different ideas on how we could grow this thing together.

He told me in a conversation that he hated the idea of blogging and it was my dream and not his. He said he just wanted to work his day job and come home everyday, end of story.

So who is this person? 

He said he’d never move up north, yet there he is. He’s blogging? Since when did he ever want to do that? Why do cheaters do the very things they say they hate to do? Or is the mistress trying to be me? Can you explain this phenomena?

The glowing couple: (Youtube link redacted by Chump Lady, who has instead inserted this General Foods International Coffee Commercial.)

Thanks Chump Lady,

The Perplexed Blogger

Dear Perplexed Blogger,

Oh my. I looked at the real link. As did an entire 30 other people. Boy, that’s the kind of traffic you leave your wife and kids for. Or job! But with a killer social media campaign, I bet they could shatter that metric and soar to 31 views.

(Speaking of employment, you might want to talk to your divorce lawyer about “voluntary impoverishment.” It’s a child support dodge. I hear judges take a take a dim view.)

I fully intend to answer your question about cheating exes and affair partners appropriating your tastes and singular qualities (I have a whole chapter in my book about this phenomenon  — An Array of Jennifers — see cartoon) — but first I must snark.

CN, I apologize for not providing you the link, but a) Mr. CL says I have to avoid lawsuits and b) why direct traffic they can earn with their insightful coffee commentary?

What You Missed:

Raggedy Anne and Trucker Hat sitting on a sofa discussing flavored coffee. Trucker Hat looks perplexed by this array of coffee. After much blathering by Raggedy, (“It smells like bananas! I LOVE bananas!”) Trucker Hat makes a helpful observation: “They put a lot of coffee in this bag.” Raggedy beams at her special needs child. “That’s right. They doOOooo..!”

OW blogger’s handle is something like Whiskey Trollope or Bourbon Tits or Kegger Barbie. She has home-kit dyed hair and has forgotten to button her blouse. Perhaps this will distract us from her coffee drinking. Trucker Hat distinguishes himself with slow-wittedness and well-trimmed sideburns. They have the kind of chemistry people subscribe to — two people. Kegger Tits and Trucker Hat, most likely.

Annnnnnwaaaayy. These freaks want to replicate your blogging success. Why? Of all the bazillions of professions in this great big wide world, must they choose yours?

This is untangling the skein, but I have some theories.

1.) Cheaters aren’t very original. If it were 1983, Whiskey Barbie would be very into Georgia O’Keefe paintings or whatever passed for sophistication in 1983. It’s 2018 — having an online channel is cool. Being narcissists they greatly underestimate everything and everybody, so they appropriate your work and think: “How hard can it be?”

It’s hard, Keggerty Anne. It’s HARD.

But you know, having an original idea is beyond their ken, so they’ll just use yours. You’re welcome.

2.) He’s likes types. When cheaters replace you with someone a lot like you — superficially (you don’t fuck married people) — they’re doing their own lazy calculus. Trucker Hat probably likes hipster chicks. And he’ll trade you in for another hipster chick, just one without all the children and responsibility, who like knows him. This poor wannabe just beams at him and together they can imagine being better versions of themselves, only without the hard work. All the potential! None of the accomplishment! Dream, dream, dream…. Next!

When one Schmoopie fails, dream a new dream. By 2020 the new thing will be crocheted cell phone covers. I dunno.

3.) She’s doing the I Can Be a Better YOU Pick Me Dance. Kegger Barbie needs to be a Better You to keep him. She figures she has won the Pick Me Dance and she’ll do one better by crushing the competition by out-blogging you.

Good luck with that, bitch.

Here’s why it won’t succeed. (Not that you should care, because you should be very busy with your lawyer and sane parenting about now.)

1.) You’re authentic. They aren’t.

2.) They have shitty life skills. You know what it takes to be good in partnerships and business? The ability to connect and invest. Stick-to-it-tiveness. Sacrifice. Delayed gratification.

Put talent aside (assuming there is any talent to shelf), are they going to pay the money and devote the years in that it takes to develop a following? When they DO make a profit, will they plow that back into their business, or will they gorge on banana-flavored coffee? Can they work and work for no immediate reward?

In short, can they be grown-ups? Evidence to date is NO. This whole misadventure is going to crash and burn.

They probably WANT you to notice and triangulate with them, and pick me dance. Don’t do it. Don’t debase yourself or wonder what Whiskey Keg Peg has that you don’t have.

Respond to him with divorce summons and parenting software.

Blog THAT motherfucker.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Mr. Rogers still on my mind here….a shining example of a truly kind man.

    This is yet another thing of zillions that cheaters do that I cannot imagine Mr. Rogers doing. I don’t need to understand it as much as I need to run away from it. It’s related to my cheating husband asking me if I got him a “Do Good Be Kind” t-shirt during the Do Good Be Kind campaign at my daughter’s school last October.

    Explanations that help us make sense are very comforting things. I don’t think there are any when it comes to this space junk. Just accepting that it’s effed up, he’s effed up, and that thinkga he does and says are effed up, is explanation enough for me.

    • Yah, and Mr. Roger’s wife said his image is real, that he is (was) a truly kind man. Their marriage lasted a lifetime.

      Here is one thing that my cheater stole from me (tried to): you have a joy of life, I mean we do, WE have a joy of life.

      Can you imagine a narcissist being joyful (no, not manic)?

      • Wow QueenMother — I never asked myself that question! And the answer is “no!” Not once in 26 years have I ever seen X have any joy, let alone resounding joy. He rarely had fun, even. He was grouchy and moody and stressed almost all the time. When smart phones came along he had his head in his 24/7. Checked out entirely. Yuck.

            • Me three.

              I sometimes describe myself (facetiously) as immature, but I think what I really mean is that – unlike XW – I find joy in little things in life. Going through a car wash. Breaking the ice on puddles. See the little houses from way up high in a plane. A well-crafted metaphor in a book. XW never had time for anything except work – and then texting (and facebook). Even her vacations were boring: she’d just lie on the beach and wouldn’t do anything (including playing with the kids). I thought she was more mature than me, but maybe she just has no sense of joy.

              • I’d argue there’s nothing more mature than ignoring the pressure to be “cool” and just lose yourself in the moment of something as absolutely amazing and absurd as a car wash. I mean, think about all of the knowledge and inventions and hundreds of thousands of years of decisions that led to you operating a metal projectile powered by the explosions of liquified dead dinosaurs through a tunnel where water and soap are thrown at you. It’s a freakin’ miracle, every single time.

                Your post made me think of a bit of a Mary Oliver poem I have on my desk:
                “I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
                I do know how to pay attention,
                to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
                how to be idle and blessed,
                how to stroll through the fields, which is what I’ve been doing all day.
                Tell me, what else should I have done?
                Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
                Tell me, what is it you plan to do
                with your one wild and precious life?”

              • Not Today –
                That is GORGEOUS! I love Mary Oliver, truly.
                Something I’ve been extolling lately is shinrin-yoku: forest-bathing. The transformative, healing power of being in nature. Her poem sums it beautifully. Must practice daily. Clinically showing effective for depression, too. Go figure.
                Joy! Lack of present narc!

              • @IG & @NotToday, I don’t feel so alone now that I know other people feel this way about the car wash. I act like a freakin’ 8 yr old every time! 🙂 The wind storm at the end is my favorite. I’m always grinning from ear to ear.

              • Involuntary Georgian,

                It’s chilling how often I read a fellow chump’s description of their former spouse or their relationship and I’m struck by how eerily similar things were to my experience.

                Your entire post describes my pre-discovery relationship with my ex-narc-wife to a T, especially the vacation part. Thanks for that nugget of validation!

            • I couldn’t do a direct reply to NotToday, so bear with me.

              I’m responding to the Mary Oliver comments I’ve seen here. I found out the STBXW, who in the weeks following D-day mentioned that it wasn’t only me that she was looking to escape from with her (now) former, rich and politically powerful boss, but our kids as well, and made an empty threat to me about never telling them that (yeah, sure, I’ll let our kids know that they were bothering their mother too much, and that’s part of why she left. THAT’LL help their self-esteem!). I should mention that now she is the loving mother to them once again, now that she has the life with asshole that I wasn’t providing her with.

              In conjunction w/that, I found on her iPad she left behind at what is now MY house, a Mary Oliver poem that made me sick. It’s this one, The Journey:

              One day you finally knew 
what you had to do, and began,
 though the voices around you 
kept shouting 
their bad advice – – –
though the whole house
 began to tremble 
and you felt the old tug 
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.

              You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
 with its stiff fingers 
at the very foundations – – –
though their melancholy 
was terrible. It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
 and the road full of fallen
 branches and stones.
              But little by little, 
as you left their voices behind, 
the stars began to burn
 through the sheets of clouds, 
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
 recognized as your own, 
that kept you company
 as you strode deeper and deeper 
into the world,
determined to do
 the only thing you could do – – – determined to save
 the only life you could save.

              So pardon me if I’m NOT a Mary Oliver fan. It struck me as a poem of the highest selfishness, especially considering what the STBXW had told me and done to our family and me. Perhaps there are other, better interpretations of what Mary Oliver is trying to get across, but I can’t see it right now.

              That being said, you’re all Mighty, CN, and let’s keep it that way. I’m both sorry that I’m getting to know you all on this blog, and eternally thankful. If that makes sense. Take it away, CL!

              • @thelongrun: Look at it like this- Narcs LOVE quotes that they cannot possibly really understand. It keeps them from having to peruse ‘real thoughts’ much. And they think it makes them look really smart.

                My STBXH thinks he is the Master of All Zen. He continuously posts quotes on his social media, 99% of which I guarantee he knows NOTHING about the author, or the true meanings behind them. He thinks that because he subscribes to a meditation app (which he falls asleep 2.5 minutes into) makes him a Buddhist.

                He’s a right legend in his own mind. Thankfully, I’ve learned that he’s nothing but a fake human trying to look cool. He’s a sham.

        • Same. Especially if he was forced to attend something he didn’t want to. Like my daughter’s dance recital. He only wanted to see daughter dance and would complain about having to sit through all the rest of them. Who can’t find joy in little kids dancing?

          I’m so happy to be able to attend things without having to hear his negative commentary.

          • Same here, CC. During the discard, STBX complained that I didn’t like going out and doing fun things with him and that no matter what he did, I was always unhappy. I bought it, hook, line and sinker, and tried to put on a happy face during the pick-me dance.

            One day a few months after DDay, we were walking through the local botanical garden with our toddler and our baby, and it was just a perfect spring day. The sun felt really warm for the first time in months. The sky was just the most gorgeous blue. There were flowers and butterflies and bees, and me and my toddler were playing hide-and-seek in a maze of evergreen bushes. I remember coming out of the bushes feeling almost giddy and seeing STBX standing with the stroller, looking sour and impatient. Without even thinking about it, I blurted, “You know, I think you’re the one who’s always unhappy.” This was before I found CL, so I think it was the first time I really recognized how he projected his crap onto me.

            Here’s to many more beautiful spring days and joyful dance recitals in our future without their toxic ennui!

          • I have just made this realisation today. Six months after D-Day. I have been panicking the whole time about what will happen at the school concert at Christmas time. I don’t want to sit with him, because SCREW HIM! But then will I be scanning the crowd, wondering where he is? Will it feel super awkward after the concert when we have to talk to the kids in turn, rather than together? Will he bring the OW? Do I have to sit through what would otherwise be a simple family event thinking about THE OW!!!????

            And then it hit me: I DON’T HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO HIM! I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM TELLING ME TO BE QUIET, OR TO STOP STRESSING, OR TO STOP LAUGHING, OR TO STOP TAKING PHOTOS OR TO SIT DOWN, OR WHATEVER HE USED TO INVENT AS A WAY TO BELITTLE ME! HE WON’T BE SITTING NEXT TO ME!!!!!

            And so much of the pain just washed away in an instant. I get to sit with my parents, and enjoy the concert. And I don’t have to sit with him. EVER. AGAIN.

            • Cheers to you, Suzy! A magnificent revelation of your freedom!
              I am anticipating my son’s wedding this Friday. I am exactly 16 months post Dday, barely care what happens to my X, but I must see him for several hours both Thursday (rehearsal) & Friday. As if that’s not enough fun, we’ve got a hurricane headed our way. Were it not for Tracy, my support team, & CN, I would be insane. Insntead, i’m making a reservation for Meh and in training. I’ll consider this a quiz. Mighty mom of the groom. Here i come!

              • Oh, lawsy, I had to see RonBurgundy and InternWhoreWife in close proximity for both daughter’s wedding and my oldest son’s wedding this year. I totally dreaded it beforehand, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, he’s still a tightwad dickhead, and she’s completely tone deaf, e.g., “So, what kind of boyfriend was RonBurgundy when you were dating?” I wanted to say, ” How was he when YOU were dating? Oh, that’s right, I should know because he was still married to and living with me. ” But I didn’t. The weddings were both lovely, and once the youngest gets married (if she does) I will have just the right amount of contact with him. None! I will hope for the same outcomes for you, CD! Thinking of you on Friday. You’ll be the amazing MOG wearing “Mighty Sane Parent” panties under your dress!

      • I think this is a really profound observation. I remember in the weeks following DDay, I had a conversation with STBX. I was remembering how when I was younger, I would have these moments of just utter exhilaration, of feeling connected to the universe. It would be from something simple, like getting caught in a rainstorm or watching the sun rise, or following a line of thought I had never considered before. I asked him if he had ever felt anything like that, and he just sort of sat there, befuddled. He said maybe. I understand now that what I felt in those small measures was joy, and I don’t think he knows how to feel it.

        I realized I had had fewer and fewer of those moments over the years, and that I hadn’t had any in many years of being married to him. I’m learning to feel joy again, but it’s not easy. It’s a sharp emotion, not a soft one. It demands as much as it gives, and I find it harder to soften and give in to it than I did when I was young. If there’s any number one reason that I finally decided to leave the marriage, it was reading Brene Brown say that you cannot give your children what you don’t have. I have to find joy again, so I can give it to my kids, and I can’t do that married to STBX.

        • The X in his last email to me, repeated that he hopes I find happiness. He’s mentioned that now about 3 times. I’m 90% certain he’s somewhere on the narcissist/sociopath spectrum and unable to feel real love, happiness or joy. He can keep searching for it but he won’t ever find what he cannot feel.

          I used to laugh alot and have a sense of humor. I don’t think I’m unhappy but I’m more solemn and introspective than I used to be. Life with the X sucked out the joy and glee. He’s a spirit killer and I, unfortunately, started to pick up his bad characteristics. I never liked that side of myself. I was a kinder and gentler person before I knew him and I liked that part of me. I miss her and I will find every way possible to bring her back.

          • I suspect my ex is also somewhere on the narcissist/sociopath spectrum. He always says, “Life is about money and power”, and has been drumming this into his daughter’s head. The day before they moved out of my house, I pulled her aside and said, “For me, life is about kindness and joy”.

              • Like you, I realized there was no true joy in my ex, nor in my life with him. A part of me feels sorry for him. He’s really good at acting emotions, but I don’t think he really feels them.

                He told me his affair was because he wasn’t happy in our relationship. I’m positive he won’t be happy with his empath Schmoopie at some point down the road, she’ll dry up, see him for who he is and he’ll find happiness in someone else’s hole.

                PS…a big thanks to his Schmoopie, she got this big turd out of my life : )

          • About a month before Dday, narc said, “I don’t like the way you laugh. Don’t do that anymore.”
            It took me a while not to be self conscious, but I laugh a lot more now.
            Spontaneously, joyfully, laughing.
            Don’t let those fucktards take away your joy.
            It may take some time to come full circle to find yourself again, but you will.
            And you will be even better.

        • I do not remember where I read this but I do know it makes so much sense. If you take emotions 1 to 10 and use one as suicidal and 10 as euphoria you realize that most of us reasonably happy people live at about 7 or 8 most of the time. If we have a bad day and we get down to 5 or 6 we panic because it does not feel safe to us. For some people 5 or 6 is normal. It is where they have lived their whole lives so the idea of just being joyful is foreign to them. They can have an affair and find euphoria for several months because their sneaking around raises all those chemicals in the brain but it does not last. Right now your ex idiot is sitting on a sofa feeling very euphoric because he’s going to be a famous blogger. If you step back far enough you realize that these two people have lost their minds. The sad thing is he has also lost a good family. You cannot fix the depression he lives with and you certainly should not let him bring you down. You go find your joy.

          • This is excellent. It really clicks for me. When ex left me pregnant for an ex gf, I reached out to his first wife because he left her for the same woman. She told me: “Preggy, you can’t beat her. Someone like him can’t find euphoria/comfort/happiness within himself, he has to get it externally and his mom was a chaotic alcoholic just like OW. He’ll always pick her.”

            And he did. And he’s still chasing her even though she dumps him every 2 months and they have a textbook def of dysfunctional cyclical relationship. Two narcopaths trying to survive off of each other’s supply. It’s a sad, pathetic existence.

            • Ohhhh I mean to add that his ex wife followed that up with “OW feels like home.”
              That was the moment I realized that pick-me dancing was a humiliating waste of effort. I’d never feel like “home” to that disordered cluster of fuckedupness. So I quit. Now we’re in court!

          • Thanks for this Let Go, makes a LOT of sense.
            Last night I found myself jumping around my bedroom like a spring lamb – anyone else do this? Little kids at the school I work at do it all the time – just take off running or skipping to get out that overwhelming glee in being alive! Just have to move to act out my joy in life – don’t know where it comes from, but it’s coming back for me! I love to dance and that helps me loads too.

        • Oh yah. I had this moment with king kuntard. I asked him if he thought he was a narcissist. His answer, “well, errr…ummm…maybe (means yes🤦🏻‍♀️) …I might be. I am smarter than the average person” (king kuntard circa #whofuckingcares).
          Fucking narcissistic clown car driving chinga tú madre cabrón pendajo … So grateful his mindfuck is new girlfriends mindfuck! Thank you Bitch✌🏻

      • This is a fantastic point and, in truth, it is our revenge. These cretins will go through life joylessly, always seeking something to make them truly happy, and they will never, ever find it. They’re like zombies, only less principled.

        To be able to find joy and gratitude in small things is a huge gift that makes life worth living, and they will never experience it. What better revenge could we ask for?

    • Relating to your t-shirt comment, I would buy Father’s Day for the X even though we had no children together but he has a son and daughter from his first marriage.

      In later years, I would read and think, he’s none of these things. He’s not caring, he’s not in their corner, he’s not the Father of the Year (never, never, never), he never put them first. Does he love them? I’ve seen real concern but the type of love that wants everything for your children – not so much.

  • “CN, I apologize for not providing you the link, but a) Mr. CL says I have to avoid lawsuits and b) why direct traffic they can earn with their insightful coffee commentary?”

    Plus it is too early in the morning to barf over mediocrity and lack of imagination and general laziness. I am not even curious.

  • They are definitely not original. I met my ex husbands ex fiance (from 30 years ago), the other day at k mart. We are friendly. I noticed her pin number was the same as my husbands. She explained it has been her pin for years. Obviously he couldn’t be bothered thinking of his own pin. Incidentally his phone pin now is the same as mine. Not an original thought in their heads!

    • Oh just the same!

      STBxW just used my PIN that I’d had since uni days for her bank, phone, etc. Couldn’t be bothered to think of her own. However I have now changed all mine just in case so she can keep it.

      Hmm maybe I can put that in the divorce agreement? She can keep the PIN code but I want all the money back she’s spent on OM

      • Whhhhhaaaaat? Doesn’t this idiot know how easy it would be for you to casually mention her name, workplace, favorite haunts and her PIN to some random loser who would be able to steal her bank and credit cards and clean her out? That you might do it just because she deserves it? Oh, wait. She doesn’t know she deserves it. Good grief, what a twit.

        My unoriginal Asshole constantly took his slag to places he’d had fun with me. He couldn’t even think of new places to cheat. Sadly, I have just found out I can’t divorce him as I would lose coverage on his excellent health plan, which I badly need. So, permanent separation it is. It works for him as an excuse not to actually commit to future narcissistic supply sources, though of course he’s hooverishly saying it’s because he genuinely cares about me.
        Cheaters are not only amoral scum, but most of them are banal and predictable in their stupidity as well. I’m convinced a truly clever cheater who is capable of adult reasoning is an exceedingly rare beast if it exists at all.

        • “I’m convinced a truly clever cheater who is capable of adult reasoning is an exceedingly rare beast if it exists at all.” — in other word, a unicorn 😉

  • A lot of us found our OWhores to be prissy little copycats. Mine didn’t even have a regular church at the time she was seeing my husband (I’m a seminary graduate and religion blogger). Now she’s married to a youth pastor and tweets about what a good little pastor’s wife she is (when she isn’t turning her twitter feed into a non-stop infomercial for her self-published sci-fi book, which is a *terrible* way to market yourself).

    Also, my blog is called Weighted Glory. What did she name her sci-fi book? *The Weight of Sun and Stars.*

    She tweeted a promo for her book that went something like, “A forbidden romance. A rebel and a princess. A solar system on the brink of destruction. What will happen to their love as the stars blink out one by one?”

    Me (to my new husband): “She’ll dump him and he’ll try to get back together with his wife?”

    Anyways, just let them be the sad little copycats they are. You have better things to do.

    • If it makes you feel any better, when I look up that title (without adding “book” or “scifi”), I get actual scientific facts about the weight of the sun – I don’t even get an Amazon link on the first page.

      • I did eventually report her to her senior pastor. Got her to take down a blog post she had written about how much she loved my husband and how there was “nothing observably wrong” with their relationship.

    • Oh, gross. Also, how pitiful that she has a self-published book yet surely considers herself a published writer and great novelist. These people are always full of themselves.
      The copycat bitch in my case started working out after The Asshole complained I worked out too often to pay him constant adoring attention. I’m sure it was also because I’m thin and she’s chubby. The working out aint exactly working out. I was tempted to tell her the real problem was a diet of chicken wings, fries, candy bars and booze, but why do her any favors.😁

      • I actually have no hatred for self-publishing, so long as it’s what I call “professional self-publishing.” I am re-working *The Tenant of Wildfell Hall* (which is an awesome 19th century Gothic Romance novel about escaping adultery and abuse) into a fantasy novel and I may self-publish myself.

        But it will be a cold day in hell before I spend all day posting tweets to the effect of “buy my book!” or “look at this awesome and amazing quote from my book!” That’s just a terrible way to market a book.

        Not surprised that a narcissist wouldn’t get that.

        • I didn’t mean to knock self-publishing. It’s just that I can picture this delusional narc with visions of being on the NYT bestsellers list with a self-published book, which happens exactly never. Sorry if it came off like I think less of self-publishing and I would love to read your book when you’re done. I’m planning to write a novel loosely based on my awful experience with a narc once I’m recovered. I’m buying a. peaceful country house to do it in, far away from the man who hurt me. Congrats on your book.

    • Heya @Rarity I just went looking for your blog and didn’t find it, but did find a sermon by C.S. Lewis, my absolute hero, which I wasn’t aware of before – thank you!! XXX

  • I’m reminded of the lyrics from Lorde’s “Green Light” – “She thinks you love the beach, you’re such a damn liar.”

  • Originality? Absolutely none. I think that HE wanted to be me. He took credit for my phrases, he took credit for my artistic ideas (that won first place on a QE2 cruise costume contest). When interviewed for a column on audible books, he used my explanation for listening and actually listed books that I had read (and he did not). He also conveniently left out the fact that I had introduced these to him. He even told people that my classic car (from college) was his in high school. Untangling 36 years of this will take forever.

    Regarding Schmoopie, she couldn’t be me in a million years!

    • The lack-of-originality thing is so bizarre and works itself out in so many large and small ways. The other day, we were at a school event far away from our home school (at another school) with a number of parents we know. They all know we are getting divorced now, and several have applauded us on our capacity to be civil and cordial together for the sake of our son. I stood up and turned to everyone and said, “Goodbye, get home safe everyone!” and waved as I prepared to go. I KID YOU NOT: he stood up, turned, said (in a louder voice): “GOODBYE, GET HOME SAFE EVERYONE!” You cannot make this shit up. By far and away, D-day to Divorce Day has been a SURREAL experience.

      • Sounds like something mine would do! They really are all made from the same bizarre mold.
        He also changes his personality based off of who he is trying to impress at the moment, especially if it’s someone he admires. And repeats my own words and advice back to me like he thought of it!

  • Dear Perplexed,
    Please tell me you have a good divorce attorney. I mean don’t tell me but get one Pronto. I know this is upsetting but please don’t focus too much on what these two are up with. You must get on gear so he isn’t moving /hiding money! Since he left with her in January he must have been planning this. That means you are already behind the 8 ball. You need out any accounts he may have hidden, investments, whatever. Hire a forensic account if needed. It is worth it. These are assets you are entitled too. Write down every place you can know he worked so any possible 401k can be run down. More importantly do not let him try to manipulate you when he sees he will have to pay his share. You don’t give on. Please protect yourself.

    • Oh yes this X 1000. This is good advice for any chump but these 2 asshats are going to be scrounging for every penny they can when their blog goes belly up

  • I think it speaks to their delusions of awesomeness.

    Some sort of rationalization that: “I was being held back all of these years — primarily because of [chump] — but now the world will see how truly special I am.” (By attempting to copy the success of others)

    For those who do not frequent the Forums — the Kunty Kibbler recently announced that she’s intending to launch a sex podcast in early 2019. The tag line on the recently launched FB page and Instagram account says: “It’s what everyone thinks about, but no one talks about. So we’ll do it for you…in public. Listen to our guests share their personal sexual evolution.” She wants to be the next Esther Perel (and promotes EP and her articles as part of ‘creating the buzz’).

    You may ask: why would anyone care about the insights of a 46-year old nobody who hasn’t lick of training or background in psychology, sex therapy, counseling, media, etc.? We all know the answer.

    As CL notes, I don’t care — if it ever sees the light of day at all, it’ll end up being an audio circle jerk for her and her immediate circle of deplorables. But since both of my teenage daughters are being exposed to this, now I have to have a chat with a child psychologist to see what I if and how I need to address it with them.

    • Eeeew. I expect there with be much expression of Inner Truths. Cheaters are awesome at releasing those from chump oppression. It’s very noble.

    • Um, yuck. I hate her already.
      Did you ever see the old comedy show SCTV? They had a running gag where deserving narcissists got blown to smithereens. Then the two country bumpkins working the dynamite would drawl; “Yeehaw! She (or he) blowed up real good!”
      Ah, if only.

    • UX, I follow your posts here so I got a big laugh now from KK’s latest project, “a sex podcast in early 2019”

      Oh boy, another self serving Esther Perel in the oven.

  • ok, i just wasted about 15 minutes looking for these losers on Youtube. I just realized how many people there are out there doing TERRIBLE Youtube videos reviewing coffee (and other things). WHO HAS THE TIME TO DO THIS?? On the other hand I am thankfully for people who make instructional Youtube videos. Because of them I was able to fix my washer on my own, figure out why my laptop was acting loopy, and install windshield wipers (a skill i should have known, but didn’t) .

    • I used YT to figure out how to change the brush belt on my inherited Kirby vacuum. The X used it to change the blower part on my old car. He was great handyman – damn it.

    • Yup. Chumps are responsible, capable and clever. We seek to figure things out on our own. It’s why the asshats pick us in the first place.

      • THIS! My asshat did next to nothing around the house. I’m the one who went on YT to fix our lawnmower, replace a headlamp on my car, figure out what was wrong with our dishwasher, attempt to fix the dishwasher (it was a goner, I bought a new one…asshat didn’t pay a dime), etc. After he moved out this past weekend, I replaced burnt out light bulbs and cleaned a third of the house. He and his kids left a lot of grimy rooms. But, it’ll be the last time I have to clean up after them.

    • I’ve made some instructional videos for people who’ve taken my real life classes, and my cheater ex kept wanting me to get in on the sponsored and monetized YouTube market. I never followed up with it because it’s not something you can play around with in your free time and expect to be successful at it. He thought it was easy money. I told him why don’t you do it then? He tried but after his first few videos only got a handful of views he gave up. Yeah, not so easy is it?

    • ironhardempress, thank God.

      I am dying to do the same, using a variety of unflattering variations on ‘Whiskey Tits’.

      It’s so bad, I am strangely compelled.

  • In a text that the ow sent my stbxh she said “ooh look at the date 17.7.17, spooky huh?!”, he replied “yeah, god that is spooky.” If I had said anything remotely similar he would have laughed at me for the next month and ridiculed that I ever said it, he was a totally different person when he talked to her!

    • During my honeymoon in Spain, a gypsy woman on the street took me by the hand and read my palm. When she reached for my husband, he snagged is hand away and said, “Forget that.” As we walked away, I translated to him the fortune that the woman had told me in Spanish. He scoffed and said, “Those things can mean anything to anybody. That’s what they do.”

      Now this is the guy I know. Practical minded accountant and businessman.

      Now the “real” STBXH who is now with the “love of his life” who is the “only person in his entire life that he can be his real self with” seems to enjoy consulting psychics with his New Age OW. Emails that I discovered between the two of them has him going on and on about the cosmos, what the stars have to say, and how their love is destined by the universe.

      Really?

  • My cheating jerk of a husband would suggest restaurants, wines, activities, even jewelry to his mistress like they were original ideas! I told him once she had no idea that the person she was in love with was me!! Not an original thought or suggestion in his seduction. Only filled with the life I created for us that he took straight to her. Gross. If I’m such a terrible wife and she is so fun and interesting how come every idea you had with her came from me??

    • Exactly. Same here, except I think owhore wanted my lifestyle so she went for it. Problem is, she isn’t me so she’ll never have what I had or do have. She doesn’t understand that I created our life together because he didn’t have his own thoughts or ideas. Perhaps the most disturbing part aside from the same places same jewelry crap he does for her, is that he’s held on to his wardrobe and car and cologne that I selected for him. Can you imagine, owhore: “Oh, love of my life you look so wonderful in that outfit your ex wife bought for you. You also smell so great, that cologne she picked out for you is the best.” Followed by xhole’s response, “We have such a great life together, I love living in the home you bought with your ex husband. Let’s go thrift shopping!” Side note, owhore is into thrift shopping, xhole would have never been a thrift shopper in his life with me.

  • A year after wasband left me for the neighborhood party girl meth head, he went out and bought a brand new 2017 Nissan versa in Sept 2016. I was so super jealous. There they were driving around in a shiny brand new car while I was driving the same old truck.

    I was so busy being jealous of the brand new car that I never stopped to think how inappropriate his actions were. I mean he had not seen his boys since he left. He had not paid any child support in all that time either. His thing had also bailed on her kids so neither of them really had any Bill’s or responsibilities. I mean I could have a brand new shiny truck if only I stepped all over my children and ignored all my responsibilities too… ..

    Thing is he lost the new car in Feb 2018. It got repossessed because apparently he only made 3 payments on it. So there they were driving around in a brand new car, putting in box speakers in the truck, amps, stereo system, and fancy rims (all to impress the teenagers), and not actually making payments on the car. Who does that?

    So ya, he had a brand new shiny car that he never did for me for a little over a year. And I was “jealous”? I lost my ever living mind is what I did. To be jealous of a piece of shit that left his/her family, abandon his/her kids, run away from responsibilities and throw away years of loyalty and love… ..

    Seriously, there is no reason to be jealous of anyone THAT shallow. Just give it time and his fancy new life will crash and fail. His true colors will start showing. You really got the better deal, she got a liar and a cob act

  • My cheater’s last AP (she had at least 3, but I honestly don’t care what the final damage was) looked like a fat, bald, shorter version of me. Oh, and whereas I have a neatly trimmed goatee, he had really long, uncombed mass of chin hair that looked like the hair on the part of a woman’s body. (Think “large plant that is not as big as a tree”). It was like she replaced me with a defective copy.

    She now has a long-term boyfriend (Lord, I’d love to know why this thinks he’ll get treated better than I did, but I know wondering about those things is a distraction to Meh). This guy (not the same as the AP) likes basketball and comic books. My ex hated both of those things while we’re married, but now she loves them, attending games and conventions.

    • Oh wow that’s familiar. My ex ridiculed me for 24 years about our cities football team. She would make it a point to laugh or snicker when they lost. After she left her AP is also a big fan so when I saw her Fakebook page there she was decked out in their shirt, jersey, hat and even goddamn eye black patches under her eyes! Just unbelievable

  • Sparkle Tits aka Miss Piggy was given her first pair of cowboy boots by me. In fact, my X also got most of his boots from me.

    I am the one who actually rides….

    Cheap imitations with limitations – that is all these people are.

    Focus on your bright new future without Trucker Hat Boy.

    Lawyer up and watch how new and improved your life can be!!!!

  • Many times as I was relating an idea I came up with my X asshat would listen and then declare, “I already thought of that.”

    Constantly. It could be anything from home repair ideas to money investments to dealing with our kids. I would articulate the notion and then he HAD TO say he already thought of it. I told him many times over the years to stop it. Either say what is in your head and be the one to articulate it or just STOP glomming on and undercutting me. Why did he feel he needed to piss on things to mark it as HIS? Why not say, “Good idea, as a matter of fact I was thinking that too.” Nope, it was always a flat, “I already thought of that.” Big difference.

    He never stopped and never opened his mouth first with the bright ideas. Who knows, maybe he did think of things but then never bothered to say them in advance. He is a lazy coward and prolly thought his wittle feelings might get huuurt if I ever disagreed with an original thought he had if he said it first. His massive and fragile ego couldn’t allow it.

    Hope Schmoops is enjoying that.

    • I wish the X would have given me more credit for things I said. I could suggest buying carpet in a certain color or type and he would poo-poo the idea. Later, he could suggest the exact same thing acting like it was his idea. What really happened is his sinister sister gave him the same suggestion and everything she said was solid gold, just not his wife. I got so tired of being undermined.

      • Same. Many times over. The most glaring example was, when we needed a new kitchen trash can, I showed Asshat one on Amazon that did a thing where you wave your hand over the top of it, the lid automatically opens. He said it was stupid and unnecessary. This conversation happened in front of his adult daughter, btw.

        Not a month later, he found the same can at Lowe’s and brought it home and ceremoniously unboxed it. I didn’t say anything. The next time his daughter visited, she mentioned it, and Asshat made sure to point out its many virtues and announced that HE bought it the other day…his daughter remembered the previous conversation about it and said, “well, I guess Katie’s idea was a good one, I’d thought so in the first place!”

        Yeah, even his grown kids know what a jackwagon he is.

  • These two sound pretty talentless, but please be cautioned – there are lots of talentless people who somehow stumble onto success (case in point: Esther Perel). Don’t wait for the Karma Bus. Just ignore, stay away from their blog/social media, and keep living your own life.

  • I can’t even discuss the content of Perplexed’s letter because I’m stuck on the mental image of those daft twits discussing banana flavored coffee. Is that for real, CL? I love coffee and I love bananas but banana flavored coffee is so abhorrent to the natural order it should never be allowed. Unlike Kegger Barbie and Trucker Hat who seem like a good fit, both of them being more than a few bricks short of a load. I’m relieved that their “twu luv” removes them at least temporarily from the dating pool. 😀

    Honestly, Perplexed, you dodged a bullet having that one ride off into the sunset with Ms. Kegger. DO NOT take him back when he comes crawling home!! You keep doing you (and your blog) and heading towards Mighty. You are so much better off without him.

    • It’s true banana flavored coffee and all. I don’t wish to relive the video. Thank you Beth! I believe they deserve each other.

    • Hi Beth, I’ve read your story…it’s so similar to mine. What did you put in your parenting plan for dealing with that guy?

  • Oh, cheaters are full of unoriginal hypocrisy!

    STBX made a HUGE deal in court about my having gotten Botox throughout the years. From the amount of attention it’s been given, you’d think I committed some sort of moral crime! Botox! Gasp! Way worse than sleeping with hookers and strippers right? (Yes, I did the pick me dance trying to look younger, since he prefers women half his age). Anyway, what do you think his smoopsie does for a living? She works as a nurse practitioner in a plastic surgeons office, giving Botox (even to him, from what I hear).

    It’s all about the narrative they can spin to make themselves look good, while jabbing a red hot poker in your psyche. It thrills them to no end to think they are participating in something you always wanted them to do. It’s not about them enjoying it, it’s about them enjoying the “fuck you.” The most powerful response, meet it with MEH!

    • My exhole is the same. When we were together, if I ever mentioned Botox or anything like that, his reaction was always a vehement “do not do anything to your face!” Now he’s married to howorker, who has had a nose job, a boob job, and judging from her improbably flat stomach just 4 weeks after giving birth, I’m pretty sure she had a tummy tuck tacked onto her c-section. And looking at their newborn, I can see why mommy got a nose job!

    • During early divorce proceedings, cheater sent an enraged email to my attorney claiming that I went on a “shopping spree at Walmart” and spent $200. Never mind that this was even before cheater had quit his $100K job and that I spent MY OWN MONEY, not marital funds. My attorney couldn’t believe it.

  • Hi,

    there is another horrible dynamic – and that is, they got off on thwarting you. It gave them pleasure to deny you.

    Anything you wanted – they make sure you don’t get. Cruise, being taken out to dinner, going to that place for a special holiday, a diamond ring – that is what the OW gets.

    However, TRUST that is because it’s not important to the OW. What is dear to her heart? After the sparkles have faded, she won’t get it either.

    • Ugghhh that is so very true. Happened to me allll the time. In our entire marriage, I received 1) an engagement ring (from his mother) and 2) two pairs of sterling silver hoop earrings. One pair had diamond chips in them!!

      I didn’t need to be lavished in material goods but good god, I would have enjoyed going out to dinner, for food that I chose, once in a blue moon. I didn’t get to order a pizza for 11 years!

      It is plenty of consolation that Schmoopie is in for a pretty pinched-penny, afterthought existence after the shine wears off.

  • Blog THAT motherfucker.

    I’m going to laugh all day over this. Also the horror that is banana flavored coffee.

  • When we were married, my now ex-husband couldn’t tolerate scented things. No candles, no air fresheners, no perfume. Always had to buy the same mostly scent-free laundry detergent and dryer sheets. Now that he ran off with his Craigslist Schmoopie, the kids tell me he has an obnoxious air freshener in his car and scented candles all over his apartment. I don’t untangle that skein. I just presume that Craigslist Schmoopie really smells and they’re trying to cover it up!

  • It’s so weird to have them become someone else with such flair. My cheater talked bad for years about everyone he knew with a tattoo “they’re so trite!” He would say. Suddenly during pick me dancing he’s encouraging me to get tattoos (no thanks) and after divorce now has two of his own.
    They don’t know who they are so they imitate other people. It’s sad and scary and it has nothing to do with you! Keep going with your awesome Blog!! I Blog too and the hardest part for me has been deciding how to stay authentic with my readers and my experience of divorce and heartbreak without that being used as a weapon toward me for a custody change.

    • This >>>>”They don’t know who they are so they imitate other people.”

      A few days after my ex-adulterer read me the Divorce Letter, I asked him, “Who ARE you?!” And he looked at me with a pained face and said, “I don’t know.”

      He drove me crazy with his constant changes in what he liked and didn’t like. When our son was about a year old and I was pregnant with our daughter, I wanted to go to the fair because I thought our son would love the animals. I asked the cheater if we could go. He said, “I don’t like the fair.” Hmmmm. Funny how he loved the fair and had such a great time with the female “friend” that he went with just before I moved to NY for him. But now he so conveniently didn’t like the fair when I wanted to do something fun with our son. Also now I know he was having an affair with his ho-worker at this time. Fast forward about ten years and I’m planning a day to take the kids to the fair by myself. And what did the adulterer say to me? “Can I come?!” with a big smile on his face. I said, “You said you didn’t like the fair.” He said, “Can’t I change my mind?” Ugh, no you cannot!

      So much crazy-making over the years. And with all the reading and learning I’ve done in the past four years — where there is confusion, there is gaslighting and lying going on. I can honestly go way back to 1990, when we were in Daytona on Spring Break. I heard him lie to others for the first time and I remember feeling confused and second guessing myself and my memory. Confusion in a relationship is a deal-breaker for me now. You should not ever feel confused with someone, especially over and over and over again!

      • The X would get confused over dinner dates. I would make a comment about doing to a restaurant that was new to me. He would say, we went there. Uh, we did not. Maybe you took another person?? This started happening enough in the last few years that I started to pay attention. I would even say, maybe you took someone else?

        • I had this thought recently too. Ex would often tell me of events last minute, causing havoc in our schedule. I would complain that he never told me about the event (that was always just for him) and sometimes he would say that he sent me the info or told me about it. I would joke that he must have told someone else, but now I wonder if that was actually true.

        • >>>>”This started happening enough in the last few years that I started to pay attention.” Me too. In the last few years of our marriage, I started to pay more attention. Why was he the only person in my life that I had a “bad memory” with? I have an excellent memory when it comes to remembering my life, but not with him. Hmmm. I wonder why? Oh, that’s right, because he’s a pathological liar. I now believe he lied on purpose about stupid stuff that any normal person would never lie about, just to keep me off balance and questioning my memory. I could easily write story after story about lies he told me and I would walk away from him feeling so crazy and confused. My brain felt like scrambled eggs and hurt for about a year after he said he wanted a divorce due to my “trust issues”. Everything he was saying to me was not making sense. He was rewriting the history of our marriage and lying about me to anyone who would listen. I thought I was going insane for quite awhile, but then I found Chump Lady and Chump Nation and slowly but surely the confusion started dissipate.

          One of the Youtubers I follow, Dana Morningstar Thrive After Abuse, has taught me that I can leave right away when problematic behavior starts to show and we start seeing them for who they truly are. You don’t have to wait until you catch them cheating. I could never catch him, but there were signs always there that he was a dishonest, cheating scumbag. But I never trusted my instinct, but believed all his thousands of lies instead. She says something like, “You’ve watched this movie before. You don’t have to catch them in bed with someone in order to leave them. Trust your gut.” That was always my biggest mistake. I never trusted myself. And now this is something that I’ve been working on every day, with everyone I meet.

          • It’s sad that one person who should have been in my corner and watching out for me was the same person that I was afraid would lie to me to cover his own ass.

            When my thyroid was untreated, I had horrible brain fog. There were times that I did’t remember everything correctly, things that were said or things that I did. I got better but I would still look at him and KNOW that he would lie to me if it benefited him. I was afraid that he would have taken advantage of me if I ever had dementia or Alzheimer’s. Now, I have no idea why I even stayed or I loved him.

            • Yeah, I hear you Miss Bailey — not knowing why we stayed or why we ever loved them. It’s good you and I and the rest of Chump Nation are all away from someone who should have had our backs. Wow, that’s a scary thought being with someone if we were really sick someday who has capability to lie so easily to us. I’ve never thought about that when it comes to being sick and living with a lying cheater.

          • Totally hear you on the gaslighting.

            After a few years into our marriage, I started calling my STBXH on how it only seemed to be with him that I was always misunderstanding what he says. I work in a field in which communication is vital (I am a teacher and guidance counsellor). Never seem to have problems understanding what people say or mean. Ask questions of clarification when I’m not sure and get to the root of issues.

            But, could never seem to do this with my own husband. I was always missing his point, not hearing him properly, misinterpreting what he said, not remembering what he told me. I reached a point when I just wanted to record every one of our conversations for future reference, when he would try gaslighting me again. I did start to journal more and more summaries of our more serious conversations, and I would reference it when we would get into another argument in which he would claim he said something he didn’t or didn’t say something when he did. Boy did that piss him off. Years of gaslighting.

        • Count me in on the “No, I never went there with you”, “No, you didn’t tell me about those plans”. He would respond with, “You’re worrying me that you don’t remember this.” His gaslighting was extra cruel in the “memory” moments as he knows early-onset Alzheimer’s runs in my family.

          Bonus round, I even found condoms in his glove box months before I learned of his affair and jokingly said, “Oh, are these for your girlfriend?” His response, “Oh, no, I forgot to bring those into the house”. I was so clueless, I didn’t give it a second thought that the box of condoms wasn’t in a bag. And who buys a three pack of condoms, and then throws them in the glove box?! PS…he and I hadn’t had sex in roughly three months at that point.

          UGH! I hate looking back on this stuff now because it was all there in front of me. It just took some time for my subconscious to get the conscious clued in.

          • Me too. I caught mine at the beginning of our relationship- piece of a condom wrapper in my apartment, my necklace that was on the table was missing, and weird bumps showed up on my lady parts. I asked and he almost broke up w me bc of my “trust issues.” If I would have not been so stupid, maybe my kids wouldve come from a real man and still had a dad instead of a gross deadbeat loser. I dont care about him anymore but these memories of blatent signs I ignored really get me.

            • My ex and I always used condoms since I was no longer on the pill (health reasons). So, finding condoms was easily “explained”.

    • “My cheater talked bad for years about everyone he knew with a tattoo “they’re so trite!”

      Yep, same… now he has a giant cross engulfed in flame on his arm. Funny, since he’s always been the “Jesus cheater.” No, no, he doesn’t sleep with hookers for the sex, it’s so he can “minister to their broken souls!” Cause nothing says God loves you like being used for a few hundred bucks!

  • My ex proceeded to do all the stuff I planned for us when he took early retirement, including where he moved to, trips they took, etc. Even bought each other matching fake wedding bands (they weren’t wed) – and his wedding band was the exact same one I’d given him. When I saw him, I said what was up with the ring. and he said, well, it’s not the same one you gave me. Yeah, that I found on the floor of our bedroom. Anyway, she must have discovered this because i noticed they weren’t wearing them anymore.

    I always knew he was lazy but really, they stole my life style plan! The thing was, I really never wanted to do these things exactly – with him. Not only was he grumpy mean and a shitty spouse – buth he is all sorts of boring. I hear she’s kind of over him but they are still together. I don’t get how they stayed together so long. But she decided to uncouple their finances and i’m thinking he’s blown through a lot of his so she’s moving to new hunting ground. She’s such a piece of crap, but him – he’s just a unoriginal, boring copycat putz.

  • Just FYI, I have a ticket in with BlogHer. If you view by mobile, there’s a bad ad that’s causing a redirect to those scammer Amazon card sites. This is a perennial program and I keep dealing with them on it. Apologies to everyone who is having this issue. I’m working on it.

    • Also, I’m not getting off on “special needs” child tangents. I’ve taken the offense under consideration, as I did fucktard. And I’d appreciate AGAIN not hijacking the conversation by responding to my response on this. Thank you.

    • I thought it was something with my WiFi. If I’m using my phone on WiFi I get the redirect. If I’m on cell data I don’t. I do have my DNS for cell data set to OPEN DNS servers. Don’t know if that will help in any way, but figured I’d provide the info.

  • Anyone talking about banana-flavored coffee on YT and wearing unbuttoned shirt is looking for attention and not always the right type. Artificial banana flavor makes me shudder.

    They’re creeps, plain and simple. They are boring, unoriginal wannabes that don’t know how to do life. My X is the same and I’m finally starting to see all the ways he wasn’t fun. In fact, he was boring and a horrible talker. He didn’t read or watch the news and yet would spout off things that I know he had to hear from coworkers and other people.

    Be glad that is out of your life. I know it’s not easy and it’s painful. Take your original self and create a new life, one without people who suck the life out of you.

  • i recently found out the stbx is already on tinder and “enjoying” the dating life and he’s so fucking unoriginal. He’s messaging with a mutual acquaintance and it got back to me. Unfortunately i also got screen shots of their messages (which i did not ask for) and wouldn’t you fucking know it. He’s been sending me joke photos (of himself) and memes (despite me ignoring them and telling him not to)

    the ridiculous part is the same day he’s sending me goofy photos of himself for his own validation he was sending her the same fucking jokes and photos. It was weird as fuck. like what is wrong with this man that

    a)he’s sending me this shit at all and
    b) he then goes through his list of potential chicks, sends them photos and i’m somehow included in his list?

    wtf is wrong with these types of people??

    • Go No Contact. Block this shit, and make sure no one around you passes on messages in an oh-so-friendly way.

      You absolutely no do not have to tolerate it, but it will keep happening until you put a stop to it.

  • Wait wait wait wait wait! BANANA-flavored coffee? Who the hell commits this act of sacrilege and expects adoration and traffic to their vlog?

    As for what and why he’s doing it with her, it doesn’t matter. He’s flipping you the finger AND providing evidence to the court. Ignore one, capitalize on the other!

    Since January huh? Are you certain he quit his job rather than one or both were fired? I’m sorry he’s pissing on you and the kids but I hope you consult several excellent divorce lawyers, choose the best one for you and underscore that he can’t entirely ditch his responsibilities for the glories of BANANA-flavored coffee.

    *snorts*

  • Meh, first they want to be you. Then they hate everything about you when they can’t manage it. Then they move on and try to be you again, only with someone else who won’t know it’s bullshit.

      • My variation:

        First they want to be you.
        Then they hate everything about you when they can’t manage it.
        Then they move on and try to be somebody new and diametrically opposed to you, with someone else who’s probably doing the same thing.

        Wonder what happens when each of them realizes they’re trying their damndest to be the other person, who in turn is trying to be them?

        On the other hand — no, I don’t want to know.

        • My prediction for my ex’s future:

          First they want to be you. (check)
          Then they hate everything about you when they can’t manage it. (check)
          Then they move on and find a younger version of you and frantically recreate the life we had 30 years ago only this time do it ‘right’. (working on it now!)

          If that includes teaching your child or children how to write the alphabet by connecting the liver spots on your hands and arms – great! He would deserve nothing more than diaper patrol in his 60’s and trying to save money for college expenses while retired and relying upon her income. (*beep beep* It’s the karma bus!)

          Our kids are adults and they don’t have much to say to him. That’s my fault too because I have that much control over them. Just like I had that much control over him too – twidiot.

  • I try not to think about it when my exes have new partners. It’s weird either way. They date someone exactly like you? Super weird because they y’know…had someone exactly like you…you. Date someone nothing like you? They’re swinging the total opposite direction are they?

    Sameness is weird, opposite is weird. It’s untangling the skein.

  • OH Chump Lady! This was perfect! I only wish I could share the glowing youtube review with everyone but alas we don’t want to give the glowing new bloggers any additional exposure. Thank you for bringing some clarity to this phenomena. I went through tears and a little bit of rage when I first saw this. My husband has been MIA since January and this is how you make your debut? Doing something you always said you hated? There they were in a new apartment snuggled up together. That was suppose to be our life, well parts of it was any way. You have time to blog a coffee review but not call your three children? Maybe write them a letter? Send a late birthday present? After reading your response I can hold my head high. I take pride in knowing Kegger Barbie is just wanting to be a version of me (a crappy version, I might add, with awful boxed colored hair). You all would be proud, I didn’t respond, nor do they even know I’ve seen their new ‘blog’. No pick me dance happening here. My hair has beautiful caramel bayalage done by a professional, I might add, and I am proudly currently laying on my couch recovering from a tummy tuck, and blogging in my favorite chair overlooking the pool. I’m beginning to live for me. Chump Nation you are the best support and anti anxiety treatment a girl needs!

    • Well done, Perplexed. Tummy tuck is next for me, once my boob reduction heals. I had 2 kg of fat off the girls, and I feel and look ten years better.

      You are mighty.

  • There are two reasons he quit his job to become a blogger:

    1: Reduced/no income equals lower ordered child support. And yeah, voluntary impoverishment; I hate to be the voice of gloom here, but at least in my most-populated state, judges don’t give a whoop about that. They merely glance at the provided numbers of what the guy is making NOW. And even if income is imputed to what he COULD be making, that doesn’t mean the dude is going to get a job and pay the ordered support. My own bitter, bitter experience speaking here.

    2: Narcissism.

    • Yep. I imagine that there are some places and some judges that pay attention to selfish strategies for reducing child support, but much of the US Court System is just too overwhelmed. We need some laws with teeth–either you pay child support or you get a vasectomy/tubes tied–that might do it.

      Even if the support-dodgers didn’t pay up, they’d be prevented from repeating the problem.

  • Oh geez, this one rings a bell.

    I too have been perplexed by the sheer amount of similar interests that the OW and I share, as well as my Ex now showing an interest in things he used to detest. Also, Ex seems to be encouraging OW to take up thinks I do with my daughter.

    Example #1 – Ex HATED Harry Potter. HATED that it was something I liked that our daughter also showed an interest in. Last year he took her to a Harry Potter Party. Buys her Harry Potter gifts and I recently saw the OW pin a Harry Potter cupcake tutorial on Pinterest.

    Example #2: Fairy Gardens. A few years ago I bought fairy door for one of our trees outside. Daughter was thrilled. Her innocent belief in things magical is something that brings me great joy. So every year fairy items pop up in our yard. Also daughter and I created our own fairy garden as a gift to the fairies (she is a hard core believer). After Ex left to move in with his mom, he had his mom create a fairy garden at her home. When he moved in with the OW, I saw her start pinning fairy items to her board. UGH.

    Also, when I busted Ex cheating, I noticed some of the conversation topics with the OW were directly lifted from conversations he had with me. Gross.

    Other similarities between the OW and I include: liking the same shows, sewing, cat lovers, having the same due date for babies (8 years apart)…oh and this weekend my daughter came back and reported that OW has a coffee mug that we purchased from a resort on the last family vacation. Did they actually retake our family vacation?

    I try not to be bothered by all of it, but sometimes it just stings. Reading this makes me aware that they indeed lack originality. I do see a lot of myself in the OW and I almost feel bad for her because I know what her life is going to be like. But it’s not my problem. I’m going to focus on building an authentic life with my daughter. But if he takes her to Disney I’m gonna be pissed 😉

  • OMG. My cheater did the same!

    I have a PhD in English and never, NEVER in our 9 years together did he show any interest in literature.

    But now? He’s self-published a book of poetry. POETRY! Literary kibbles.

    Sad sausage poems about how I left him broken-hearted. Erotic poems dedicated to the OW. They went public with their relationship two weeks after I moved out. I moved out when I discovered the cheater’s vast hooker habit.

    Is his muse a hooker? Who knows. Who cares. He fancies himself the male Rupi Kaur. His poetry is cringeworthy.

    But I share your head-scratching! It’s so odd when cheaters take on our interests, or pick partners who seem (on the surface) a lot like us.

    CL is right. Direct all your smarts and capabilities to divorce proceedings and parenting software. You got this.

    • I have a kind of kooky variation on this.

      When I was with Closet Gay Guy, who was also emotionally enmeshed with both his mother AND unmarried sister, his sister was insanely jealous and wouldn’t talk to me. I have a particular degree, and she started talking (to other people, of course) about going and getting the same type of degree.

      She was already a qualified doctor.

      Go figure.

      YOU DO YOU. Please.

  • I was just thinking about this phenomena this weekend. I recently found out (thru mutual friends) that x is taking ow/fiancee on all of “our” trips and telling her the same old stories. Oh brother.
    Then I really looked at her and she closely resembles me when I was heavier (gotta love the Divorce Diet). I mean, its super weird and it kinda freaks me out a little bit actually. But when you have had the best, why wouldn’t he try to replicate that?? He HAS to have the best, right? Idiot.
    Oh well, what is the saying?? “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” – Charles Caleb Colton
    Thanks Chuck! You made this Las Vegas Chump turn the tables and win against the house!

  • Cheaters are a blank piece of paper. Who XW presented herself to be at the beginning of the relationship versus who she ended up being are totally opposite.

    @Perplexed……. OW blogger will learn that her new hubby is not a northern loving blogging dreamboat eventually. He’s just pretending to capture her. He will grow tired of the facade and move on to be someone else eventually.

  • They’re all the same, how creepy. Mine was asked to preach at the church and he stood up and started throwing out my ideas and phrases verbatim without attribution. We weren’t married yet. I thought it was odd. I should have run.

  • Cheater and the OW run a blog, YouTube v log, instagram…etc… and I laugh my head off at the absolute crap they post. Their entire self-invented life is hilariously fake. Of course it doesn’t bring in the bacon even though they have gathererd 17k followers over five years, mostly by posting semi naked photos of her in every conceivable pose. He is a sick twat. They just announced their bankruptcy, as if were an event of interest to their followers. They ran up so much debt taking holidays they could not afford, then travel blogging….only problem was they were reviewing trailer parks.

    He barely resembles the man I remember. I sometimes wonder if he is mentally ill. She definitely is a huge hypochondriac.

    • Ha ha Marci, that is hilarious. Reviewing trailer parks! You see all these “travel bloggers” artfully posing on some Balinese beach and your ex and his skank are reviewing the toilet block in the local Butlins! Oh that is brilliant!

  • It’s simple. The devil has no creativity. He tried to be God and got kicked out of heaven. He’s created a fake church system to copy the true Ekklesia (means the ‘called out ones’ in Greek, which is the true church of Jesus Christ, real Christians, scattered here and there). Fairy lights (although pretty) are copies of the real stars, glitter (although pretty) is a copy of the sun glittering on the water, look at almost every man made thing, it is a copy of something in nature made by God. The devil is the master of the counterfeit. So are his children. There is not a creative bone in their body. They always copy others ideas and take credit for them. Having true creativity requires a true heart with love and depth and empathy/compassion in it. An ability to see and appreciate true, real beauty in its many forms. These scum only know cheap, plastic imitations….of everything.

  • My first ex narc husband actually replaced/cheated on me with a woman who had the same name as me, and had a daughter the same age as mine, who had an almost identical name as my daughter.

    I saw them once not long after, both feverishly sucking on fags outside a shopping centre as if their life depended on it, with the young replacement daughter standing offside. He said once when I asked him what she thought of his compulsive gambling, that she liked it and did it right along side of him. Match made in hell.

  • Perplexed, your X sounds a lot like mine. Philandering Jizz Stain and Squirtin’ Slut took my name for the baby they conceived behind my back, well, conceived when he was not desperately trying to get me pregnant, or his Craigslist Casual Encounters were busy. When I was blindsided with this information, I was in shock and didn’t even know how to analyze the situation, but as Tempest so wisely pointed out, “naming their affair baby after the Chump is Fucked-up on Red Bull.”

    DDay Reply rolled out when I discovered this intentionally cruel act, but, after my depression and shock wore off, I went to see my shrink to talk about The Why, and this is what we concluded about abusers like this:
    He did this to hurt you. He knows this would pain you in a very acute way. By doing this, he is creating a forever Pick Me Dance. The AP will have to be consistently reminded (be it subconsciously or consciously) about the Chump, firmly being placed under the Cheater’s thumb. When we Chumps find out, the X gets the kibbles that go with the drama involved, or is pleased he’s further hurting you and that makes his black little heart pump piss.

    No doubt this trollop knows you’re a blogger, and is willing to put herself through masochistic mind games in order to someway goad you? Win narcissist points? Distracting herself from her abysmal actions?

    Wow. Just, wow.

    Sweetie, you’re free of all that weak cup of tea; go drink some champagne, one original to another.

  • The best part of this is that this post on CHUMP LADY probably got them more attention than their coffee twaddle!! Bwhahaha!

  • I know this is pretty late post, and someone else partially touched on it. The real reason that your Narcissist started a blog and did a YouTube post about whatever hipster junk he wanted to talk about is that you have become un-obtainium. You are his kryptonite, but he is not super-man. He is more one of the clone robot things in the comic book that makes us long for the real thing.

    Seriously, he can’t have you. So… he is going to clone you into the OW, all the while thinking about how to get you back.

    How do you get back? Be yourself, but without Captain Unicorn in your life. He goes on doing narcissistic things with narcissistic people and you get to find or enhance your authentic self, while increasing your BS detector and relationship IQ.

    It took me a bit to find myself, but once I did, I have no space for posers or people who don’t have some grit with relationships. I also don’t want people who are faking who they are. Authenticity is very, very rare in this world.

  • Some of this behavior is also a bit fat dose of You’re Not the Boss of Me.

    These people seriously believe, on some level, that if WE do a thing, that ‘spoils it’ for them doing it as well, or – horror – with us.

    I have a friend whose husband recently divorced her because she ‘spoiled everything’ for him. So now he’s off trying to live HER life – being involved in the activities she used to do, and really enjoying himself.

    He couldn’t enjoy himself doing them WITH her, of course. That wouldn’t be the same at all. Because she Spoiled Them for him.

    So yeah, Trucker Hat secretly longed to go up north and blog all this time, and you Stood in His Way like the monster you are.

    Pfffft. Good riddance.

  • Modus Operandi. When a crime is committed in such a way it leaves the criminal’s signature. Think Silence of the Lambs and skin… Serial cheaters do the same tricks, but with new Jennifers. They are unimaginative and boring people, but they know what worked in the past …so they use it again on a new victim. They don’t see the Jennifers as a new and distinct person who might “deserve” new experiences. No, the new Jennifers are just an object of their narcissism.

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