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Respond to Mindfuckery with Ridicule

Ideally, no one sticks around for gaslighting. The best response is no response — because you’re not there. But if you’re still in the thick of this infidelity crap, and every day is a whizz in the mindfuck blender here’s a pro tip — disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.”

They understand perfectly. They’re mindfucking you.

If you must stick around for this nonsense (and I suggest you don’t), then flip the script and try ridicule.

When you’re heartbroken, it hardly feels like a chuckle fest, I get it. But the sooner you can tap into the utter absurdity of the situation, the faster you will heal.

And that begins with seeing fuckwits as the pathetic, ridiculous creatures that they are. Please divest them of their power — LAUGH at this shit.

Laugh at them. To their face.

Narcissists HATE this. I think they hate it even more than no contact. With no contact, they can imagine you still care, that you’re just too torn up right now to speak with them, you were going to take the bait, but you fell into a canyon and were unable to answer the phone…. They can continually delude themselves that you’re still kibbles.

But when you ridicule a narcissist? They can’t pretend. You’re no longer kibbles, you’re kryptonite.

And come on, cheaters give you such a rich vein of humor! The Stupid Shit they say, their utter predictability, their pomposity… You will NEVER run out of material. NEVER!

Cheater: I didn’t answer my cell phone because I was sleeping in my car. Yes! In January. In Vermont. I don’t like your insinuations!

Chump: HahahahaahhaahHAHAHAHA! OMG you must really think I’m stupid. I hope your nuts froze off. Poor Schmoopie probably had to shave your back hair off so you could fit into your snowsuit, you poor benighted sod.

Now, admittedly, this is engagement — and after you land a few zingers, do go straight on to no contact. But what ridicule communicates to the cheater is — your mindfuckery will not work here. Move on. Also laughter shifts the power balance from the cheater (who thinks his lies are convincing, and doesn’t really care if they’re not because you’re beneath him) to the chump (who refuses to bow down and accept this shit). Narcissists are incredibly thin-skinned, so to point out some mortal flaw — like a tufty back that must be frequently mowed — is wounding.

Duck, because narcissist rage comes next. MY BACK IS AS SMOOTH AS A BABY’S BOTTOM! HOW DARE YOU!

Oh you dare, all right.

I would just add, about CL and CN, that the special sauce here is ridicule. When I was pitching my book, I pointed out that most self-help is dry and earnest. Infidelity, frankly, is absurd on so many levels. Yes, it’s abusive too — but isn’t every tinpot dictator a joke? Nothing helps you take back your power like snark.

So the next time someone tries to mindfuck you? Laugh. Laugh hard.

This column ran previously. Snark on. 

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  • This! Yes! Yes! And Yes! The last e-mail ex sent me was full of spite and accusations of being a bad mother. Same old shit really, no imagination whatsoever. He was actually furious because I had sued him for back payments in child support, 5k USD more or less. Aaanyway, he called me an asshole for suing him, poor puppy, he has a new child, how could I do that? (I am a single mother for his other two kids) 🙂 My response: “Did you start reading books? (he hates reading, watches loads of crap TV instead) How did you expand your vocabulary so much? Or is it maybe because of your entourage? I hear you are surrounded by bimbos and con-men. I suggest you run into politics (i.e the political elite in my country is corrupt and incompetent), I believe you’d be a huge success!” His response? Tried to whine in a one liner, than crickets….so yes, humor and ridicule is kryptonite for narrow minded cheaters. Use it, Chumps! BIG, BIG ((((HUGS))))!

  • I’ll never forget the look of utter confusion on my cheater’s face when during a false wreckonciliation, he mentioned that I was lucky that he loved me enough to stay with me despite the fact that he could “still get the young ones” meaning the 20 and 30 something ho-workers in the Nursing Home. (we were both at that time facing 50.)

    Knowing full well that every one of the little idiots that took advantage of his inability to resist a pair of tits in his face had him wrapped around their little fingers and also knowing that every one of them were single mothers with multiple baby daddies, I couldn’t help but laugh in his face as I pointed out that it was pretty lucky for him that if he managed to get one of them to actually set up house with him he could rest assured that she would have some mad diaper changing skills in both the baby and geriatric categories.
    What I said wasn’t particularly clever but the look on his face was so sublime in it’s abject disappointment that his self aggrandizement didn’t have the effect on me that he intended, that I couldn’t help it. It was the first completely uncontrollable laughter I had experienced since the shit had hit the fan and it felt GOOD! We’ll for me anyway! ????

  • Objectivity gives a whole new perspective, too. The stories he told me and himself are laughable! He couldn’t have her moved to another position in the agency because it might hurt her career. She was 23, recently graduated from college in psychology, barely married, no kids. He was a career professional with a master’s degree, married over 10 years, 3 children and a new mortgage. Who had a lot to lose? Recently, in a fit of giggles, I asked him how many times he’s been contacted by a prospective employer to give her a reference. Never.

    It was a low blow to point out his ridiculous concern for her “career” but it sure was fun.

  • ok, I love this! I had a few golden moments myself when things were very absurd.

    I followed the Dicko for months with his (my) iPad and knew every move he was making.
    He’d say he was going on business trips for a week…and he was always at her house a 100 miles away.
    It was sort of a shock, but at the time, it didn’t register as anything but what it was. A big fucking lie.
    That went on for many months: him tripping around…me following him.
    At the time….not so much fun but I gathered more and more evidence for divorce..
    It became absurdly very funny!!
    (don’t get me wrong – this was a horrible time)

    And, when I handed him divorce papers (surprise!) one day, I told him to turn off the tracking device on the iPad. His horror and disbelief – that I knew everything?? – was priceless.

    I was always 5 steps ahead of him and that (sort of) made up for the horrible deceit. He seemed shocked and, undoubtedly felt behind the eight ball of life and his stupid fantasies.

    I also told him I put a VAR in our luxury motorhome while they were travelling around in it. bwahahaha


    • You are so amazing! Brilliant!!! I wish so much that I had done the same. I wasn’t even texting yet back then though (total techno dumbshit here) so even being able to track a cell phone didn’t occur to me. If only this site was around then, ugh. Had I done what you did, I think I would of felt like I took some of my power back & would of healed sooner.

      You showed so much restraint in not confronting him the first time. That would of been difficult for me. I’m not sure I could of been as patient as you. That’s something I hope readers here who are suspecting cheating get = don’t show your cards, get your ducks in a row first, then surprise the asshole with divorce papers. That would give a chump a little bit of their power back. I envy that you had the foresight to do it! Awesome!!!

      • RoseThorns. It all came to me through C/L and C/N! They were the ones who guided me to keep my cards close to my chest – best advice ever. The funniest part of this was just a few months later I showed him how the Find my iPad worked. Freaking sucker must not have taken the lesson seriously. And, the OW was obviously not very smart either. Probably didn’t know what an iPad was.

        • It’s so wrong to have to do this stuff! Dear Sheila
          More power to you! I outsmarted my idiot too! I tracked him through flexispy on his phone. I needed proof to allow me to make decisions. Until this part of my life I never knew how stealthy I could be. I managed to crack our safe, his email address & his phone. I am not someone you lie to!

      • Oh I got all my ducks in a row alright. I bought a house, without his knowledge, I moved out, without telling him I was moving out or where I was moving to, so when he came home after his Friday and Saturday night shenanigans, I was gone and so was half the furniture and furnishings. Asshole, and that’s being kind, deserves much worse than that but it was a total power move on my part.

        I was so at peace and relieved to get away from him and his cheating and lies, until a few days later he showed up at my door.

    • Yes, I was ahead too. He was not legally separated and hadn’t filed yet, when the credit cards that he had applied for in his name (unbeknownst to me) arrived at our house. He had moved into his parents house! I never told him the cards were there. Imagine my surprise to find two cards for a total of $34,000 credit line. I knew he was spending money on her, so I quietly reported that his other cards were stolen and never mentioned the new ones that were sent to me (he hadn’t changed his address, all those little mundane details were always mine). Anyhoo, his tire blew out on a very hot day on the highway in Florida. It was when he had snuck back to file and pack up belongings that we hadn’t discussed yet, when I was gone for a week. I had no idea of this sneaky plan, but our daughter called and told me he was there. She was so excited because I had been pick me dancing and she thought he was back to stay. I knew better and had to tell her why he was there. When his tire blew out he tried to call her to drive 2 hours to get her. “Sorry Dad, karma’s A bitch. Call your girlfriend.” He called his best friend, who was disgusted with him -“ I’m busy.” He finally had the car towed and brought to a tire store and decided that he needed all new tires. Not just the one that blew out. Went to pay, all credit cards were declined. And our joint account was unavailable because I took over draft protection off of it. He had been withdrawing money with no income. Did I mention that he had been fired from his job and didn’t bother to look for another so that he wouldn’t have to pay alimony? He had just abandoned me and stopped paying any contributions to house kids pets etc. so the man who would never respond to my letter’s calls or texts, no had two call me for help. I can’t tell you how many times he tried. No answer, radio silence. Karma really is a bitch. My parents are taking me away for the week took me out to dinner that night and we ordered a bottle of champagne as we replayed all the desperate messages looking for someone To come to his financial rescue. I still look back on that memory fondly, as it was the only time I had any laughter during that nightmare.

      • Good for you!…Hm, I guess I did do a few mighty things after he walked out after all. He left out of the blue & moved directly in with one of his ow. He immediately stopped paying all bills, even though we had 2 kids & I was disabled & a sahm. We had a joint checking account but it was too low to pay the bills and he was always overdrawing on it. I called “our” tax attorney (I had to sign the taxes too as filed married) & found out exactly when the tax refund was due to be deposited in our account. I withdrew the 2k refund on that day when he was at work. A few days later when he found out he exploded with calls & texts I didn’t answer. I finally answered one by saying, “You walked out on us out of the blue & stopped paying even basic bills. Out kids need food and shelter. Consider it child support for the last few months.” HA!

        A note of caution to the newly stumped here though as, the few seemingly mighty & self protective actions I took caused him to respond with rage made the divorce even harder, more vicious, & drew it out to 2 years. So you do have to walk a fine line and assess your own situation & fuckwit.

        • Agreed! We have to be careful Pulling the tigers tail, as sick as it makes me feel to say it. Unfortunately, they can go to depths that we could never dream up Because of who we are, and who they are. I never had the heart for an all out war, but it made me sick and angry to think that I was Working hard and borrowing to pay our bills well he was cutting all ties in financial responsibility heading into the sunset. I wish she had just established a “Go Fuck Me” account. Still I tried to hold my ground with whatever little tools I had and my brains.

        • Rosethorns, you are not responsible for your ex’s rage about the tax refund any more than you caused him to leave because you weren’t young or pretty or a good cook etc. By accessing that tax refund, you were taking care of business. Was he really going to turn it over to you in lieu of child support? Of course not. He might have decided to go into a rage anyway and make your divorce as acrimonious as he could “just because”. How many of us have tiptoed around these narcs for years, trying to avoid their rages? There is no payoff. I counsel all new chumps to not worry about their STBXH orW’s reaction if they are asserting their legal and financial rights. Those jerks are counting on you to continue acting like a chump. It is foolish to wait for them to do the right thing (like sharing a tax refund) just to avoid their anger. Cash is king. My ex raged all through the separation, divorce negotiations and a few months afterward. It was no more within my control than it had been all through our marriage when he used his rage to throw me off the scent of his double life. His rage is no longer my problem :-).

          P.S. Grabbing that tax refund…good one !!!!

      • Speaking of tires blowing out on the hot highway, THAT is what I call a Roadkill. So that’s where your moniker comes from! hahahahaha

        Wish I could have seen his face at the tire shop.

        My ex and I worked in different cities. One son lived with his father and sparkledick came to my city for the weekends. Then there was D-day.

        So anyhow, when I was lining up my dicks, I mean ducks, all the while sparkledick was hounding me to reconcile (he had finally done the math, but by then I had found CL), my son lets me know his father is off to Russia.

        So I travel 700 km to pick up proof and I find a tacky love letter, three rosaries and FIVE different editions of bibles on the night table in our bedroom! I defiled the letter with CL-style snark and collected dozens of credit card statements with proof of his spending on flatterfuck and of being in debt for other superfluous spending on guitars, fancy car, etc., (important since then I would not have to divide them with ex).

        Son tells me sparkles was so furious he almost broke the dining room table. How I wish I had seen that.

        • @ CW???? yes, the best part was, the van was filled with All of his belongings and things that we had not agreed that he could take. Including my kids beds!.Good on ya!Hope you got all of the money back! Wish he had broke the table..let him stand up and eat! I guess our imagination will have to suffice. Most of the time I felt so powerless with what was happening, so it felt so freeing to laugh a little. And taught me that I didn’t have to just lie down and take a beating!!

      • It never fails to amaze me how warped the reasoning of a cheater is. To think they break your heart and wreak your family and life and have the gall to think you will be their to bail them out. Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold, best wishes!

        • Yes, the entitlement is mind boggling! But it does provide for humor in retrospect. Keeping a sense of humor is the ONLY thing that got me through all of the insanity and pain. And on some level it begins to wake you up to the madness that you have been existing in.

    • I finally woke up to the fact that the clusterfuck was a joke.He is so ridiculous that I have to refrain from mocking him so I can get the rest of the divorce done. He keeps saying that we need to be fair and transparent. I tell him that fair and transparent has not been my experience with him so I will think about nothing but myself and what I want and need. He hasn’t quiet got it yet that he does not figure in my life’s equation. I try not to show anger because he thinks it is because I still want him. The only thing I want from him is the opportunity to punch him in the face for being such a self absorbed infant.

    • When the lies kept coming I finally realized that I could track his iphone. I spent countless hours screen shotting his whereabouts so that I would have proof, if needed for court. It was actually comical when I would say “Did you guys stay at the club last night?” and he would look me in the eye and lie. He wasn’t at the club, he was at skanky’s house. For fun I started pretending that people would tell me they saw him or that I had a “feeling” he went someplace where he wasn’t supposed to be. This happened EVERY time he went out! It was hilarious. It got to the point where he was starting to get paranoid and actually said he was concerned I had psychic powers.

      He still has no idea how I knew everything he was doing. Maybe someday I will tell him. Maybe once spousal support comes to an end. Not going to lie, 5 years divorced and this still makes me smile.

      • Hahhahahaaa!!!
        (Voice of Ms. Cleo) “Call me now for your free psychic reading!”
        That. Is. Awesome. Good on ya!

      • How did you do that with the iPhone. I’m in a long term relationship and my fiancé is running around on me I suspect and we both have iPhones and I’m the account holder.

        • Darrell-
          There is a location services & Signifigant locations in the Privacy section of an iPhone-make sure both are turned on/enabled. Then there is a “Find iPhone” feature in the phone.
          This was how I found cheater-ex at the hooker palace on D-Day. The Find iPhone feature took me right to him.
          Of course I was accused of invading his privacy but then again, I thought my marriage was private……………..

        • Yes, the entitlement is mind boggling! But it does provide for humor in retrospect. Keeping a sense of humor is the ONLY thing that got me through all of the insanity and pain. And on some level it begins to wake you up to the madness that you have been existing in.

  • I must admit, during a horrible time (of course) during DD days (Debbie Downer) I got pretty witty. It was absurd what was going on around me. He was getting bolder and more careless.

    At the time of the policing, it wasn’t much fun, but he had my newly purchased iPad and carried it everywhere with him. When I first got it, I showed him the ‘Find my device’ button but he blew me off. I even told him that’s how our friend caught her husband cheating on her! (see, he was really paying attention to me)

    So, he proceeded to travel with this as he went on more and more week long business trips. All at her house 100 miles away. I watched with weirdly attached attention – I think I was in shock a lot of the time. And, I played along. How was your trip dear? blah blah.
    When I filed for divorce and surprised him with the papers, he was shocked. Shocked, I tell ya.

    And, when all was said and done, I told him to turn of the Find my iPad button.
    Then, he was shocked again.

    I could hear him falling on the floor that he didn’t get one freaking thing away on me.
    He always underestimated my talents…asshole.

    And, then I alluded that I had also been recording them travelling around in our fancy r/v together because I put a VAR in there. Not sure he knew what that was so I left him wondering..He wasn’t even going to respond to that. bwahaha

    • “I must admit, during a horrible time (of course) during DD days (Debbie Downer) I got pretty witty.”

      They say humor comes from pain.

  • I think if you have the cojones, go for it.

    If you are still being gaslighted, or struggling in any way, or your nark is a wordsmith par excellence, don’t engage.

    The best way to punish people who tie you up in words – and who can run rings around you with them – is to silence them with No Contact.

    You might just need to develop the cojones over time – and a thick skin, because they can retaliate. Another way is to make fun of them via other people – having a good laugh with a third party who you can rely on to relay the good news that The Great One is now an object of ridicule.

    For me, No Contact is the path to the truth and the light. I can massacre people verbally if I want to, but I do not want to be that person any more. I am happy to let karma take care of those who have injured me, whether I see it or not.

    I watched my cheaters go up in flames in their own self-driven way, and I feel sorry for them. But not so sorry that I would in any way contact them, even to laugh at them.

    • ^^^^^ WHAT YOU SAID!

      Ridicule has its place. But when you’re in a relationship with a risk of physical abuse or destructive retaliation, DON’T. Your security or your life may depend on it.

      Bring it here and post it for us to see instead. This will give you a safe outlet to vent while you’re planning your exit, and probably some good advice as well.

      • Thanks, AC, for mentioning this. Keep in mind that you may not even know what these cheating a-holes are capable of. I had been with mine for 29 years with zero physical abuse. Two days after calling it good for the last time and having him leave our home, he came home to pack his office. Angered that I was finally leaving him and that I wouldn’t agree to not use an attorney in the divorce, he flipped into a person I had never seen before. I wasn’t being snarky, but got his laptop out of the car while he packed his office. When I came back into the house I told him I knew he needed it, but I was going to take it to have it looked at to make sure I was safe (I had just had brain surgery, had 68 staples in my head, and the thought of getting poked and prodded for more STD tests was overwhelming). He grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me head first into a large cement pot in the entry way, breaking my nose in two places and cutting a gash across my nose. It came so fast that I couldn’t even react. I never would have believed he would do that. This was after 5 years of “recovery” from sex addiction and spending over $100k for him to get “well”.

        On a lighter note, laughter during healing from this experience of having a cheating husband has been my saving grace. I found an amazing group of women who also had “sex addicts” as husbands, and two of them have become my best friends over the last 7 years. We laugh at the ridiculous these men, the things they said and did, and then we press on to our new lives. I practice snarky comments to him in my head, but staying nowhere near him is a safer bet.

      • Listen to AC Chumps & be careful.
        On D-Day I was so mad when I tracked cheater ex to the hooker place that I parked my car behind his & waited for him to leave so I could confront him. Not a great idea but I was furious. Yes, it was in public during the day but cheater ex was a big guy & had a terrible temper. He could have easily physically hurt me-I was lucky he didn’t.

        Not saying anything, gathering evidence & lining up your ducks to leave truly is the best & safest way to go.

    • Very good advice Lola! Snark doesn’t work on some cheaters or it backfires. Also, some chumps are unable to deliver snark at the time. That’s ok and NC/Grey Rock is USUALLY best anyway. Come here and snark away where it’s safe. We enjoy the laughs (& get your pain behind them too). Even if it’s been years since Dday, as with me, identifying and voicing the humor behind their ridiculus fuckedupedness (?) can help you heal!

    • Good points. Even now I would have a hard time doing snark to his face as I would have too much to lose (easy going coordination of the kids, timely child support and reimbursement of kid related expenses as well as the good regard of his family to whom I am still close). I do, however, like to make fun of him here and to select friends and relatives with whom it is safe to laugh at his absurdity.

  • My biggest regret, went straight from devastation to grey rock. I’d love to have responded to some of the ridiculous protestations with snark or laughter.
    Why did you lie about it? ……. because my friends told me to……….ha ha ha ha how old are you 10? (he’s 60)

  • I wish I’d done this, but with the time it took to get him to agree to the terms of the divorce I had to just concentrate on not holding things up as much as possible. So I was pretty limited to point out flaws in his logic most of the time. I did say something during mediation though that he couldn’t argue against, now mediation had not gone well as he didn’t agree that I should have anything at all and in my late 50s with a wonky hip I should be able to go out and find a full-time incredibly well paid job either that or survive on air. He had a mega tantrum too at one point. Anyway… I said at one point perhaps it was better that he was now with Mrs Yo-yo knickers (aka OW) as they both shared common values and my values were different to theirs That he couldn’t argue against. If I’d been able to ridicule I’d have had a field day, but in the main I had to restrict it to telling other people.

  • Hell yeah they know what they are doing. And boy do they ever go straight to rage. The most idiotic gigantic evil crybabies ever.
    They deserve ridicule hard and fast thrown at their moronic ass in rapid fire succession. Fuck them.

  • Ha ha, love this! I have actually used this tactic. It’s comical to watch as he gets so upset and distraught. It does work, and it does bring power to the victim. I’m just ready to move on, we have been apart, (not by choice) for a yr. He was supposed to soon follow me, it never happened, he didn’t want it to happen! I’m now glad it didn’t. I begged him for closure, which he couldn’t even do that, with every stupid idiotic, insane sounding like I heard, was followed by a smirk and laugh. Sometimes I’d throw in a good chuckle, he’d respond with… ” You think it’s funny”? You have no idea! I’d reply with laughter, ” no, that’s why I laugh cuz you have no idea. I left it like that! Ha ha

  • Oh I got the Twat REALLY good. He left me for his thick-ankled bar whore, younger than me but damn was she rough (still is). He once made a comment to me (you know, all civilized and stuff) that “it’s a shame you’ve got nobody”! Ha, bloody ha. Through my brief foray into internet dating, after loving my very tongue-in-cheek profile (fat, 50 and menopausal) a hot shot Spanish lawyer asked me out. He was absolutely loaded – but I was NEVER interested in anybody’s money as I am happy with my own pay check. Anyway gorgeous Antonio was 4 years younger than me and we had great fun for a while. He had recently moved into a new apartment and was going to get rid of his furniture to buy new. When I told him my son was moving in with his gf he said “tell him to hire a truck and come and take what he wants”. My then 21 year old kid now has a home furnished with “hand-made in Milan” furniture. Of course the Twat found out about it and the look on his face was priceless. After that one of my colleagues at work asked me. I had known him for 25 years and when the Twat found out he was one of our top directors (there was no conflict of interest as he retired shortly afterwards) his only response was “well trust you to hook a fucking Director”. Like I cared about that. But hey, it was great to rub his fat nose in it!

    • Oh yeah!!!!

      Let’s face it- real men appreciate real women…
      extra lb? Face that looks like 50 year old face? Not- exactly- perfect- body?
      So what?!??
      They are confident enough to see everything, that a shallow cheater can not….

    • Lol i understand how you feel. After everything camo cheater did and the hell and stalking he and mishtress have completed, amazing how he backs off when i started dating a mutual friend and someone at his work place (datimg mutual friend wasnt planned but the man is just too good, he is up there with mr chump lady).

      I copped the whole “you should be able to walk away with nothing, you have mutual friend!”
      I answered with “well you have moved in with mishtress a year ago and a double income family, so you should be able to do the same…”
      Met with crickets. Entitled fucktards

    • Fat/50/Menopausal — I LOVE IT!!! Way too funny! Hahahaha … Ya, a lot of cheaters tend to think that if they don’t want us, no one else will. They’re so wrong!

      • I have to admit I wrote a pretty good profile, and the men that contacted me said that that was the reason (I didn’t put a photo up). I mean, seriously, do you know anyone (male or female) who is “romantic, sensual, loving long walks on the beach admiring the sunset”!!!! It made me want to barf. Who do these people think they are fooling? An Irish lady on the site hopped over to the female side to check out the profiles, contacted me (not as a woman looking for a woman) and we went out to dinner together, slagging off our cheating husbands. She was a blast (pity she retired back to Ireland shortly afterwards). So you see, some good came out of that site!

  • The very day I filed with my attorney I had the pleasure of meeting them bellied up to a bar. As I approached from behind I thought he was with her mother. As she turned to face me I couldn’t stop laughing. He called her a dream girl; I’ve never laughed so hard and it came naturally.

    In my laughter I said, “That is what you left me for?” “You must be embarrassed, introducing that to your kids.” She raged like a lunatic and I left.

    Over four years later he tells adult daughter he be willing to talk to me. Haha, stuck with it fucker.

    They always trade down. We get to gain a life.

    • I lean away from ridicule–not because I don’t want to do it, but because it can have high costs. My EX had lots of rage issues, and while my silence triggered them, any ridicule would have triggered him faster. And had I ever put anything humorously derogatory in print, it would have gone straight into legal documents to be levied against me at a later point (levied ineffectually as he represented himself, but not engaging was a good way to help keep my own legal costs down).

      Save the wit for your interior monologues and just get the hell out. You can (and should) laugh all you want at a terrible EX’s expense over a cup of coffee or wine with friends, but be wary of playing games with them–as we know, they cheat.

      • Agree! I can be very sarcastic and have been before negotiations but I went total no contact in trying to achieve a settlement – on the advice of my lawyer. It resulted in the signing of the settlement but then he didnt pay anything anyway so either way its frustrating. We chumps follow the rules and play nicely with others. The cheaters only do so as long as it serves them and in the end always cheat.

        • Through my divorce, I tried to think of ways to put one over on the X. But, it was like the stars, universe and sky aligned against me. Everything either fizzled out or couldn’t be done. It was like there was a higher power making sure that I stayed honest to myself while the X ran off into the sunset.

          • I find it so frustrating when I have to stifle my opinions. He has had his electricity shut off for not paying for many months, his luxury vehicle is a second-hand piece of shit work truck that he cant afford to put gas in SO he goes on Twitter criticizing the govt about everything HE’S done to save electricity in his home and saved gas by buying a smaller car YET HE hasn’t paid taxes in years. Its so ridiculous that I find it hard to believe that Im the only one who can see this. Frustrating in its bold absurdity.

    • I did similar. I had zero interest in meeting the ow he left me for. I was at PT Conferences with my kids at their school about a month after he walked out. My kids commented that they saw her down the hall. I ignored that and kept walking out the door, just a little bit quicker. She followed us, almost running to catch up with us. As I was putting My son in his car seat she happily introduced herself & said hi to the kids. She acted like meeting me was a pleasure & as if she wanted to be friends. This irked me to no end, especially since me ignoring her & walking away made my intensions obvious (ya, she probably did it cuz she knew it upset me). Anyhoo, I said nothing to her & told the kids we had to get going, shut the van door in her face while she was merrily jabbering away and left.

      I sent my then stbxh a text that said, “R u kidding me? You actually left me for THAT? Hahaha LMFAO!!!” I found out later she was hurt by my comment (yep, stbxh showed her the text = triangulate much?).

  • About 6 months into trying to make our marriage work. I would find out that he was messaging women on Facebook. I would ask him and of course he would deny. Even after I showed him the proof he still would act innocent. Even though he kept his promise never to contact skankella again. He continued to reach out to women on Facebook. The last straw was when his ex-girlfriend from high school sent a message request and he started to text her. And again played dumb when I confronted him. The idiot did not know that I was also talking to her and had everything documented.
    He was furious when I had him served with divorce papers. All I said to him was, “Now you are free to text any women you want and screw anyone you want.” Even to today he still wants to make the marriage work. And my response to him is that I am not the trusting chump I used to be.

  • I limited my ridicule because his rages were particularly frightening, but I do remember one conversation where I couldn’t stop myself. Towards the beginning of our month long In house separation, he started waxing poetic about how he just needed to get away from me to “reach his full potential” and that he loved OW because he didn’t have to “change his personality for her.” I asked him “How did you change your personality for me? I don’t recall asking for that.” (Is there a less shitty personality you are hiding somewhere?) His response was “You would never let me yell at video games.” Yep. I would get upset when he would unleash a string of loud obscenities during his Call of Duty round and this was apparently an integral part of WHO HE IS. The laughter could not be stopped. “So glad you get to be your TRUE SELF with the OW.” She is one lucky lady.

    • Adaira: I asked him “How did you change your personality for me? I don’t recall asking for that.” (Is there a less shitty personality you are hiding somewhere?)

      So true. Well said.

      Do you know that mine actually whined that we have nothing in common because we don’t go to amusement parks? Yep, 44 years old and one of the reasons we are incompatible is that he thinks I wouldn’t do amusement parks. WTF?!?

      It didn’t matter when I pointed out that for two years I had been trying to get him to commit to a good time to take the kids to Disney World. He forgot the times I mentioned doing a weekend at Darian Lake or Six Flags. And that just a few weeks before he made this ridiculous claim, I had said that I wanted to take the kids to Canada’s Wonderland (Toronto). Just a blank look because he had nothing to counteract with.

      When he recovered his comeback became how I always misinterpret what he says or twist things around. He can’t stand how I always have to be right, and I just can’t let things go.

      What’s fuelling my anger with him these days is the challenges of so-called “co-parenting,” which is not really what we’re doing at all. Even our conversations at the time of separation was him just spewing BS about how we can parent our children apart. He hasn’t fallen through on even being courteous or decent with me about that.

      Today’s post is timely. I have to remember to laugh at this BS. He is ridiculous. I also have to lower my expectations (a difficult thing for a high-functioning person to do, I am learning). Then, I’ll just journal the idiocy as it unfolds.

    • They are children. Petulant, entitled children.

      Tracy, it is time for another fun Friday “How Did You Thwart Their Greatness?” challenge!

  • Longtimers here will remember this one, but for the benefit of the newbies —

    KK never really tried the sad sausage or chem channels with me — it’s been all rage all the time, including the 10 months we were together in the house before the court ordered her out.

    Once first implemented, Gray Rock ruled, and it drove her crazy. During one of her rants (our girls were out of the house, thankfully) she shouted, “Goddammit, I want you to acknowledge me!!!”

    I said, “Okay, here you go” and raised my middle finger at her.

  • The most recent gaslighting was indeed totally ridiculous.
    Cheater: “You can have Dear Daughter for the whole Christmas break”
    Me: “But we agreed on half”.
    C: I already told my family.
    Me: You haven’t told your stepmom.
    C: …

    Some days later:
    Me: I am very disappointed you chose Schmoopie over our Daughter.
    C: I already told my family.
    Me: No, you haven’t told your mom and your stepmom.
    C: …
    Me: I called your mom.
    C: You what?
    C: Anyway, I don’t know whether Schmoopie will come. She needs to talk to her family first.
    Me: LOOOOL.

    He gaslights so many people he ends up mindfucking himself.

    • Oh, and I will travel with DD to visit Cheater’s mom, granny and stepmom. Because f*ck the mindfuckers. My daughter deserves her loving family.

  • All during our marriage, my ex always told me that I had the perfect job as a regulator as “I like to point out things that people do wrong”! Well, post divorce, no contact and I had prepared a six page document of all of the things that I learned about he and Schmoopie… the length of time, the monies spent/ stolen, the lies about where he was and what he was doing, etc. etc etc.
    I ended with “well, you always said that I had the perfect job for me, discovering wrongdoings…. how did I do this time”? I only wish that I could have witnessed the expression on his face.

  • When I caught him on Tinder….

    “So, let me get this straight. You’re LYING on your Tinder profile, the same relationship strategy that is ending our marriage, so technically, you’re already on your way to Divorce #2 and you haven’t even completed Divorce #1. Good luck with that…..the only relationship you’re qualified to be in is one where you pay someone by the hour.”

    You could see the light bulb of realization of idiocy come on. SO delightful!

    • I think rather than laughing at him, which I agree is dynamite to be handled very carefully, if at all, this would be more like Real Time Untangling The Skein Of FuckedUpNess Aloud….with a puzzled look on my face….which is hilarious without anyone having to laugh….

      • Velvet Hammer, another amazing post! I love your wit! And I agree 100%. I can’t recall whether your X is a relapsing alcoholic as mine is, but my X also has extreme and scary rage when on certain drugs. I stay completely no contact and apply a lot of my 12th step principles: detach, live and let live, etc. I definitely pray for him— from afar. It’s been nearly 2 years of almost 100% NC and we have 4 kids so it can be done. Life is so good and peaceful now.

        • I think he has relapsed….I am thinking smoking pot here…not so sure about alcohol but he has a BIG bottle of Scope handy where there has been NONE seen in 27 years together….and IMHO cheating is in the same league as relapsing with substances…if he’s not actually drinking/using he is doing a spot-on impersonation of someone who is.

          I have never experienced rage with him…he holds secret resentments and gets behind your back revenge….but because he turned into a stranger before my very eyes, I don’t assume anything and err on the side of staying aware and cautious.

          We should meet for coffee!

          • Maybe the Scope is to wash out his mouth after kissing or who knows what with Schmoopie. Gotta wash that stench away.

            • Yes. My mother (alcoholic, not in recovery) drank Listerine. My sister, also not in recovery, drank cooking extracts. Mouthwash with alcohol is a bad idea for alcoholics in recovery…it has an alcohol content the same as spirits. I instantly wondered if he was drinking it when I saw the Scope. When I met him, he was drinking NyQuil to go to sleep after getting home from swing shift….a red flag I look back on now and regret I ignored…

              • Knew someone once who relapsed by drinking hand sanitizer. Gave himself brain damage.

    • You know you’re definitely dealing with a NPD when they leave for the OW because “twu wuv”… but all the while they are updating their Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, and god knows what else profiles… Mr. Sparkles most recently posted himself as “Mr. Grey” (think 50 Shades)… sadly, the only grey thing about him is his hair. I pity the newest victim, I know what is in store for her.

  • This is sooooo true. I am mostly no contact except for the occasional co–parenting email/text. BUT, about 9 months ago, I was accused by Mr. Sparkles of being “passive aggressive and perhaps I should go back to therapy and work on my repressed anger issues”… yup… pot calling the kettle black there (which is typical of a NPD, it’s called “projection”). SO… I responded, “I regret that you experience my indifference to you as passive aggressive. Perhaps if you took time to get some therapy and work on your deeply rooted Mommy issues that drive you to cheat on every woman you date/marry, you might finally not be an asshole.”

    SILENCE was my response. For an NPD, that was “silent treatment” and an act of “he’ll show me”… but I’m almost so “meh” now, it’s like opening the windows after a cold winter and smelling the first scent of spring.

    One of the hardest things about co-parenting with an NPD who is already shacked up with a new victim is that you have already been painted as the “crazy and bitter ex”. SO, in most situations, no contact keeps you sane and keeps you from adding fuel to the fire of their words/lies. It is hard, like doing 100 sit-ups, but in the end… if you want Meh… you have to walk away from the insanity. You’d be better off arguing with a wall.

    Rock On Chump Nation… you are all my heroes.

    • “One of the hardest things about co-parenting with an NPD who is already shacked up with a new victim is that you have already been painted as the “crazy and bitter ex”.”

      So true. I was painted as crazy, a bully, bitter, controlling…etc. etc. long before I knew anything about her. There is not a situation I can respond to without Ex or OW acting like I am being ridiculous. In fact, OW called me ridiculous and a bad parent once. This coming from a person who is with a man who left me to do all the care-taking of our child while I was going through cancer.

      I’m never going to overcome the portrait he painted of me and I don’t care to. It’s too bad that they cannot work with me to co-parent. It would help our daughter and it would help in their new instant family situation too. Now I just find it sad that I cannot have a parental discussion about ANY topic with him. I would rather be boiled alive because he makes the simplest of things so painful.

      Grey rock is hard. I usually have to stop myself from contacting him on parenting topics and remind myself how he usually reacts. Every situation I have to evaluate on whether or not it is worth it. 99% of the time it is not worth it. I quite enjoy my freedom in parenting now.

      • THIS: “I quite enjoy my freedom in parenting now.”

        Really think before you every contact the X about parenting… do I REALLY (like by the definition of the courts) need to run this by the fuckwit or am I just looking for an excuse to make contact and maybe stir the pot?

        My truth is that he could truly care less about parenting. Case in point, he has our son for FOUR NIGHTS a month (every other weekend)… yet this past Friday night (his weekend)… he and the Mortgagee had to go out… leaving my son alone in their new home where they don’t even know the neighbors yet until well after midnight. He’s just turned 13. SO – I could go ballistic and rant to my X… or I can talk to my son and explain that anytime he feels unsafe with a decision being made by Mr. Sparkles, all he needs to do is call me. I parent my son… I am no longer responsible for parenting my XH.

        • My ex also has our daughter 4 nights a month, plus one weeknight dinner to keep him involved in education etc. I learned very quickly that he just doesn’t care about that stuff. He didn’t care in our marriage and I’m not going to get him to care now. I used to email him things and be furious that he would not answer. Now I expect no response. He literally will not parent with me.

          Last night he messaged me to ask if I was sending a costume this weekend. I responded. I also messaged him about encouraging our daughter to do some extra reading because it’s the last weekend of their read-a-thon month. No response. Then I asked to make sure she practices piano properly and doesn’t rush through, as she has been skipping some practice. Again, no response.

          So real parenting is off the table with him. That’s fine. I still do my part and make him aware of some things. I only do that so I have a record of all the times he doesn’t respond, just in case he ever tries to go for more custody. I don’t try to force him to respond because like you said, I am no longer responsible for teaching him how to be a parent.

  • My ex used to say he was “independent” but he was a drug using drank too much prostitutes using piece of crap. His behaviour is better but his behaviour should have been better in the first place. Apparently I should have been grateful for him turning his life around, what should I be expected to be grateful, incidentally I mentioned in the past on here his ow gave her kids up for him, she actually asked me for sympathy, you have to give it to her, she’s got some balls!

  • Don’t get too into the ridicule; ridicule them dismissively… like you yawned and an insult spilled out by accident. Effortlessly. Effort means you care enough to get mad.

    Chump: So, I just wanted to confirm that you’re picking up the kids from school on Friday, for your weekend. If not, please let me know so that I can have them ready at 6pm, here at the house.

    Cheater: I don’t know yet. Bitch. Nice of you to try controlling MY time. We’re not together anymore! And BTW how dare you tell [friends or family member here] that I cheated?! Did you tell them all about your shit, huh? How’d you like it if I told everyone all of your shit and WHY I cheated? That you’re a hateful, spiteful bitch and I couldn’t wait to be rid of you! Thank god I don’t have to deal with your controlling bullshit anymore. No one could!

    Chump: So, are you picking the kids up from school at dismissal or are you picking them up from the house at 6pm? The children will need know if they should take the bus home and ready themselves for a 6pm pickup or if they’ll be picked up from school directly.

    It works the same with sparkle attempts too. Professions of love and remorse. Missing you. You’re the only one who really KNOWS them. They dream of your touch. They just want the family back together, like how it was before…

    All business. If they do it in person? “No. Bye. ::shuts door::” Starve their attention-whore glands to death. Don’t feed stray whores… they’ll look elsewhere soon enough.

  • Sarcasm is my primary language. I think it helped me garner my villain name, Magneto {ya gonna be labeled a villain, better be a good one.} and the complete distance xh took in his abandoning/divorce route. Right out of our home, behind the skirts of a vicious attorney and into the sleazy apartment of his true love – with the help of her husband.

    You must have limits to your responses, though. Many during affair time do not have this ability or level of self control. Do or say nothing that will come back to bit you with your kids, attorney, work or family. Narcissistic rage is nothing to trifle with. If you have one of “those special kind of narcs”, (I’m looking at you coverts and malignant), realize that your words will sting them, possibly trigger a horrible reaction, but they will not feel guilty nor embarrassed for long.

    We had a discussion at ChummeetupDetroit about telling it “like it is”- to anyone who is important and cares to protect yourself from cheaters feeling they can return whenever they please, with no consequences. I think this type of snark fits in this area. Pointing out the obvious is too close to consequences….
    Consequences are the true kryptonite of the cheater, and true gems to the chump.

  • At one point while we were splitting up, my ex sadly said I would have trouble ever having another relationship until I worked on my issues. I laughed at him and said, “Are you putting a hex on me? Booga booga booga!” The look on his face was priceless.

  • I don’t even remember what I laughed at him about—some ridiculous thing he said .. cue the narcissistic rage. It was over the top and felt violent to me. It actually frightened me so I refrained from doing it again. He subsequently stalked me—hiding in our house while I was at a counselling appointment and coming out from the darkness when I entered the house raging at me( he had moved out as soon as he convinced schmoopie to let him move in). I was so traumatized at that time just after the discard that I didn’t see it as dangerous until my support group friends online begged me to go to the police in the middle of the night when I woke up in a sweat of fear that he was in the house., please be careful and safe.

  • As a chump that was gaslighted for about 16 years, I think it’s important to point out to newly minted chumps…. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

    Before I knew about the cheating, he had me convinced I was crazy. I honestly believed:

    1. The fact that I was angry he immersed himself in porn for several hours a day (and at every opportunity. Staying late in the office “working”, signing up for hook-up sights etc.) was an indication of MY low self- esteem. The flaw was in my response, not in his actions.

    2. My upset at his constant changing of the goal post was “an indication of my rigidity” and “I was controlling, boring, etc.”

    3. My interpretation of his behavior was the problem, “he’s a nice guy.” My assumptions were where the flaw was.

    Gaslighting puts the responsibility of proof on you. You don’t have to prove …
    – They slept in their car when it was 10 below,
    – Or stood line at the grocery store for 3 hours in a town of 500 people.
    – or that the 100 emails from adult dating sites are spam.

    When you take on the challenge of “proving” (a.k.a marriage police) then you become “a stalker, crazy, controlling” etc.

    This is why I think CL’s question of “is this relationship acceptable to you” is the only question that matters.

    Treat the absurd as absurd. Plausible deniability doesn’t negate absurdity.

  • After I left my ex-cheater in the country where he was living and working in, I never spoke to him at all; I had my two lawyers (two because we had property in two countries) communicate to him whatever was needed (he didn’t even retain a lawyer). One time when I went there for a wedding of a friend he saw me at a coffee shop and tried to berate me for me talking to other people about his deviant behaviour and what had happened and idk remember what i said but it wasn’t much and I walked off and left him standing there. I never talked to him again. Yes, he was dating (fucking) women who were decades younger than he, but now I am with a sweetheart of a man (for almost a year now) who is also decades younger than me and he treats me better than my ex EVER treated me. I’m in the fitness industry so one does encounter a few narcissists, but my BF is so giving, caring AND he looks amazing. Idk how long it will last, but I just enjoy every day for what it is. And on the other hand, my ex is broke, in bad health, and i saw a pic of him (via a friend who is still on FB, I’m not anymore) lately and he looks 100 years old. Must be worn out after chasing all that young pussy. HA HA HA He never did like cardio………..

  • This is sooooo true.

    After Chump Lady ran my letter about Mr. Twatwaffles and Fiona Meat Sack getting wedding ring tattoos on Aug 23 (they don’t even match) I ridiculed him for it. probably a little harder than I should have. I also sent him a screenshot of the definition of “cuckhold.” THAT sent him into a total tizzy and he was down at the cop shop trying to file charges against me for a “privacy in communications” citation. That pissed off the county attorney who then ordered HIS text messages and I also had to answer for it on cross during a custody trial ancouple of weeks ago, where I explained it was in response to his showing up at a swim meet picnic waving it around.

    He does not like being made to look like the fool he is and it was SHINING like a beacon in court. I did get reprimanded by the judge for being so flip about it, with him reminding me it was a serious matter. I apologized and said I didn’t mean to sound flip and that I was just trying to get through the testimony.

    But yes. I don’t let opportunities to mock them, pass me by much. And it PISSES them off… ????????????

  • My one word of caution would do this if you are VERY sure it is safe to do so. However satisfying it may be to laugh at their foolishness to their face, with their poor impulse control, it may wind up with you getting a beating or worse.

    Yes, they are thin skinned, but worse there are some who are determined to win no matter what, and they will stop at nothing to achieve that goal. I am talking about the sociopaths here. Oppose them and their entitled ego, they will do their best to try to grind you into dust. No evil scheme, no underhanded rotten deed is beneath them. they pull out all the stops to get what they want, namely to devastate you in every way possible. Often they will actually inadvertently harm themselves while trying to get even.

    Sadly the sociopaths can be hard to spot. They are great actors and liars. Their chameleon skills are legendary, so we don’t always have a clear picture of what we are really dealing with. I did catch on eventually, but couldn’t convince the judge in our divorce that cheater ex was dangerous to my kids as well as me, in spite of having a restraining order. Cheater ex was granted unsupervised visitation. Six months later, he kidnapped and murdered my 14 year old son, his own flesh and blood. Then he and his buddy fled to another state where they both killed themselves. It was almost two weeks before I knew what had happened to my child.

    Yes I know that they will be angry no matter what, but with some, it is dangerous to poke the bear. By nature, I am not a scaredy cat, and hate to back down from a fight, but sometimes it is better to be more low key than in your face.

    So I will say again, be cautious. If they have any leanings toward violence at all, or if you even think they would use it as an option to assuage their narcissistic injury, don’t go there. It’s not worth the price.

  • Last communication I had with my ex was by email. The kids’ sports fees are coming up. These are not included with child support. I simply listed them out, told him I would be paying half, and that the kids would be responsible for the other half. In order for them to make decisions on whether to play or not, they needed to know if he would be willing to help them cover their costs.

    He fired back with “I would love to give you more money than you can spend but right now I only have $200 left per month to eat, drink, and entertain myself. You just got $XXX in CASH.” (He wanted the house and business so had to pay me half…which I used on a down payment for a home).

    I responded “I find it interesting that you recently bought all new furniture for your house and had money to fix it up but can’t find any for something that is important for your kids. And that money was used to buy a home. I got half the house and business…same as you. Your ignorance still manages to surprise me.”

    He then fired back several emails in rage. I ignored them all and got busy trying to figure out how to help my kids find a way to earn some extra money.

    Nothing pisses him off more than making him feel stupid. And as CL says…it is soooo easy. I usually stay no contact but when bigger expenses come along that aren’t included with support, I am going to keep asking. College is around the corner. He sucks.

  • While unintentional ridicule nothing was more satisfying than what happened to cheater and his Tinder Trash when I served him divorce papers. All I heard was how he needed the OW for a place to stay because she lived in a rent controlled apt. and it was the only affordable place to stay when he worked out of town. She was terrified of me thanks to his character assassination and thought I would cause her harm, so he wouldn’t tell me where he was staying. He tried to convince me that we needed to be separated for a year before I could proceed with divorce, (NOT TRUE NY RESIDENTS). So when unbeknownst to him I retained a lawyer and started the divorce he got served at her place! Turns out she was not allowed to be renting the apt and when the process server came to give him the papers they were exposed and they got evicted!!!! When he asked me why I would do such a thing (best part was I really had nothing to do with it) I simply said, “because everything you told her about me is true, right?”. OW has NEVER crossed my path.

  • Unfortunately, I think that only works after you have moved beyond caring and smoking the hopium. I know that kind of reaction to his absurdity was difficult for me in the weeks following DDay when most of his ridiculousness was at its peak. Unfortunately, at that point, I was too busy ridiculously trying to reconcile to be willing to insult him however deserving it might have been. The closest I came was when he noted that Schmoopie was on a dating site while involved with him and still living with her then still husband who had also turned up a girlfriend since his DDay. Ex then turned to me and said “you should go on a dating site”. My response was “no thanks, somebody in all of this has to maintain some sense of dignity.” Then of course I ruined it all by trying to proposition him for sex and being soundly rejected because “that’s just now where we are right now”. I cringe thinking back to that time. I wish I had not made such a fool of myself and that I had articulated more of the snark thoughts that popped into my head but were repressed in the name of “reconciliation”.

    • Go easy on yourself RE: the sex. By the time I realized what was right in front of my face, I hadn’t had sex for 15+ months. He had been overseas for a year, and the one visit we had had for our 10th anniversary he had a myriad of excuses that seemed plausible to me at the time. I don’t have a super high libido, but let me tell you, I was almost desperate for human contact!
      I was also desperate to reconnect with this man that I loved and was married to! I felt certain, in the early days of his weird behavior and even after D-Day, that if we could just re-establish physical intimacy that it would help him loosen his grip on OW and their relationship.
      He finally had sex with me the night of D-Day. It was an act of desperation on my part, to try to get some piece of him back, and I suppose an act of half-hearted wreckonciliation on his part.

      It was the worst sex I have ever had in my life. But I think it needed to happen, for me to see better what was happening to me. I felt so cringey about it too…but I shouldn’t have. I was his wife, and he is the one who should have felt terrible and embarrassed.

      You should NEVER feel bad for wanting to feel close to your spouse, or for going to your spouse for a very human release. The fact that he can’t give it to you is all kinds of messed up–on his part.

    • CIR – he was your husband, your emotions were all over the place. I did the same thing. I propositioned him twice, once before D-day (after the divorce was filed) and after D-day. Both times he said no as he didn’t want to make things worse. But not because he cared anything about me. It was all about preserving the image management by being true to the OW. I’m sure he told her that I was bat-shit crazy and came after him and he had to tear me away.

      I will not apologize for loving him, for wanting him and for trying to connect with him. If he wants to think less of me, I can’t stop him. But, at least I was honest.

      • Yes, this. Its a twisted, sick logic that they think sex with their wife is “cheating” on the OW. Just sick.

        • Ladies… mine was fucking hookers, one night stands and all desperate souls that he was able to lure…. no OW per se…
          Rejection was my “ normal” state …. so no, it doesn’t matter if he has a shmoopie, fuck friend or a paying prostitute… the process of discarding us is exactly the same

      • The message he was trying to convey, and wanted me to believe, the whole time between DDay and when he moved out was that he just wasn’t attracted enough to me to make love to me anymore (the whole “I love you but I am just not passionate about you” speech and follow through. I don’t know how much of that was true and how much of it was just what he wanted me to believe. We had continued to be intimate up until about a month before DDay when his interest seemed to vanish. After DDay and about a week before the incident I described we had made love (the night he told me he planned to move out). I thought that proved he could still be attracted to me as he clearly wanted me that night, but by the next day that interest was all gone again. Poof! It’s like he couldn’t ever make love to me again after that night because that would mess up the tidy little goodbye fuck that was supposed to be signifying the end of our romantic relationship.

        I am generally fit and not unattractive for my age, but the devalue, discard and overall sense of rejection I experienced made me feel unattractive for a long time. I am very fortunate to be dating someone new who has been able to put those fears and insecurities well to rest.

  • There were many. One of my favorites was on Dday when I called the locksmith to come and change the locks. His poor widdle ego couldn’t handle it so he left the house. He then texted me to say let him know when the locksmith was gone. When he came back he has this pissy attitude. I asked “what is YOUR problem?” He said “you don’t trust me.” “Trust you??? I trusted you with my heart and look what you did with that, now keep packing!” DOUBLE BOOM, IDIOT!

  • Oh, yes. I had to live under the same roof with Asshat for 8 months after D-Day #1, where I accidentally discovered he was fucking his now-EX-best-friend’s wife. Asshat refused to stop the affair (TWU WUV!!!), thusly wrecking his friendship and two marriages. When Asshat decided that TWU WUV was just too difficult, what with ex-bestie threatening to kill him and whatnot…he proceeded to find himself another schmoopie- this one’s a 27-year-old brewmaster he met at his favorite watering hole. He’s 56 and a high-functioning alcoholic, so you know, it’s written in the stars- he likes beer, she brews beer. Makes total sense. Mmmkay.

    So, naturally- D-Day#2 was laid on me personally, by HIM. He felt he needed to tell me -because of course, I was supposed to think he was all that and a bag of chips with a girlfriend younger than any of our kids? Well, color me impressed (not).

    I laughed and asked what her parents must think of all of this- I mean, their lovely daughter with a dirty old man who can’t even give them grandchildren- you did tell her you’ve had a vasectomy?

    “Well yes. But it’s perfectly fine. She can’t…I mean…she doesn’t want kids” says Asshat.

    “Well, which is it? I mean, there’s a *vast difference* between ‘can’t have’ and ‘doesn’t want, now isn’t there?’- then, it hit me, and I couldn’t help bursting into laughter.

    “WHAT? What the hell do you think is so funny, Katie???

    Me, hiccuping at this point. “vast difference….Vas Deferens…” He turned bright red and stormed into his room and slammed the door. Ha.

      • Thanks, @UXworld. This shit really does “write itself”, though- once you realize how ridiculous they are. I guess my natural sarcasm is all that’s saved my sanity in the long run.

  • I never laughed to the cheater’s face, but I began to really heal when I was able to laugh at the whole situation. Laughter filled the holes left by anguish. I laughed the hardest, finally, when I found out that cheater was cheating on the woman he left me for while still telling me he was coming back. I also found out that he had taken both women (and a few others) to a nudist resort when he weighed over 300 pounds and was bald and ugly. OW1 was furious when she found out he’d taken OW2 to the nudist colony! Like that was their special place. My divorce lawyers and I put all of this into the divorce papers and it was hilarious. I’m writing my screenplay now. It’s true what they say that whoever laughs last, laughs best. And I also caution against laughing openly at a narcissist; their fragile egos can’t take it.

  • ‘>>>weighed over 300lbs, bald and ugly. There is not enough bleach in the world to wash my brain reading this!

  • I am 7 years out of marriage and mainly at “meh”. Have been NC for around 5 years except for grandchild’s baptism and a recent wedding. I have managed to stay polite on both occasions with a tiny slip last time that I am still chuckling at. XH mentioned at the table where we were sitting with nieces and family that his memory isn’t what it once was. Can’t recall the in-between comments, but at one point I said I remembered having to buy his diapers (he had prostate surgery) and was so happy I would never have to change them. He acted like he hadn’t heard me, but he got the message. He has changed “partners” frequently and at some point will want someone to take care of him. So happy it won’t be me!

  • Just this past week, as I cced her on an email to the family therapist why the children and I couldn’t make it to therapy this week (because I was busy cleaning up all the crap she left in the house for me to cleanup after she ghosted the situation), she complained about being “responsible” about therapy, as if I wasn’t taking this seriously.

    This lead me to write-up a looooong email, outlining all of the stuff I knew she did (the times I knew she had to take a “business call” w/him as a reason she had to cut me off on a call; the times the children knew she was talking to someone else on the call w/the plea of “don’t leave me”; the weekends she took away from family time to spend “girl time” w/coworkers she barely spent time with at work or friends she hadn’t spoken to for years; the time I caught a pic of 2 teen girls on text message to her, not knowing whose 2 children those were, etc., etc., etc.), and cced the therapist so he could see how much of a narcissist, gaslighting, deflector she was.

    To then have her respond that “she’s taken full responsibility of what she did” almost sent me over the edge and made me want to draft up a follow-up response, but ultimately cooler heads prevailed.

    She may never realize the extent of the damage she did to the children and me, but I hope it hits her like a brick one day, and she’s full of remorse. That’s the moment I’ll laugh my ass off.

    • I’m sorry to see you chump guys here too. ( Any chump really) but it serves to highlight the fact that this problem is a people not gender matter and it reminds me that good deal decent men of integrity are still here. Thanks. I wish you healing.

  • Once again, so timely today! My STBXH is moving out this weekend! 14 months after DDay! I’m finally at the point I can laugh at him and I don’t even care. He has hurt me so much, and continues to try to now make me financially destitute. We had our pre-trial 2 days ago and he is saying that he doesn’t owe me child support as 3 years ago I had a better paying job (an hour away) so I have the “potential” to make more. I took my current job at a local hospital 20 minutes from home to be closer to my family and be there for the kids! He knows that and agreed to the pay cut for a better quality of life, now he is using that against me. The only good thing that came out of the pre-trial was he was asked to stop flaunting his affair in my face everyday.

    Anyway, I’m taking any and all jabs before he leaves this weekend. A friend of mine said that he is going to look like Schmoopie’s 3 and 5yo’s grandfather, so I was sure to tell him that and call him gramps. I also know that Schmoopie’s father is disgusted with his married daughter and my STBXH’s behavior as ironically he was chumped by Schmoopie’s cheating mother, so I made sure to tell him not to ask for Schmoopie’s father’s blessing. In addition, I was made aware that Schmoopie’s one friend is no longer her friend as she is also disgusted with her, so I was happy to say how they had no friends anymore and only each other.

    I don’t care anymore! I’m almost free!

    • Great! Stick to your guns re: child support. Whether it comes through or not. You can also argue that since the job switch was made with his permission, he agreed to your lower income – so now he cannot switch and say get a higher income. You also lost 3 years where you could have advanced at the higher level job. It will take time to move into a higher income and he should pay CS at least for 3 years while you try to figure out a higher paying job. Write all your arguments down and insist your lawyer push. I don’t understand why he needed to flaunt the affair – but who can understand these people. It is over and you will be free.

  • OMG – I don’t know you did it. The thought of my “husband” being with some else and knowing about it, and having to see him and looking at his behavior – you should bottle that strength. I’m glad that the next part of your life is about to commence. Good for you!!!.

    • Thank u Kale and Miss Bailey!!!

      I don’t know how I do it either. I will be so happy to have peace once he is gone, though I will miss being full time parent to my 12 year old twins ????

      I come her multiple times per day for support, that’s how I do it actually ❤️

  • hmm. Here are a couple of incidents when I tried to be clever and it didn’t quite work out. During “reconciliation” I came downstairs to talk to ex and saw him texting Schmoopie from across the room. By the time I came up to him he had switched to internet and showed me how he was looking something up for our son. After our conversation I sent him a text (I texted a lot back then in order to interrupt his texts to her) telling him that the next time I caught him switching over to internet when I knew he had been texting her I would grab his phone and throw it in the toilet. His response was “that thought makes me smile because it means you care”. Another time when I knew he was with Schmoopie I sent him about 100 texts hoping the constant pinging would interrupt or at least be annoying. When he got home he said “My phone is set not to ding when I get a text. Next time you should call”. At the time, I thought both of those incidents meant that he still cared about our relationship on some level. It wasn’t until much later that I learned about triangulation and how much cheaters get off on it.

  • Schmoops is threatening a vacay. She dreams and publishes it on instagram and nothing materialises but in her hrad she thinks thats her life. Her instagram bio states art, travel, yoga, health, lifestyle, entrprenuer, fashion…In reality shes a real estate agent, fugly clothes,captions a second hand clothes store (vintage my ass) and thanks them for her look that day, no yoga (just one pic of her doing a standing tree pose), pics of them dressed in cocktail clothes at the local art gallery (I’m sure they can’t even afford the door knob), no travel pics whatsoever. Holidays, festivals, birthdays anniversaries have gone by and not even one pic of a cake or flower or celebration. I was and is all that. Dumbcunt doesnt understand he is trying to appropriate me in her and theyre deluding themselves like theyre livig the American dream just cos theyre in Cali (long beach). I called him out on all these everytime he tries to contact me and Im so glad he has stopped. Called him out on his fakery and hipsterness as well and how I see through his broke ass lame carpentry self made biz. Im so glad he is still making cutting boards. He just gets mad but has no retort. Huzzah.

    • Yeah, homewrecking twats love to brag about being into yoga. They love to pose as all zen and serene because they are overcompensating for the nest of vipers and tarantulas in their heads.

  • It’s like a rabid dog on a leash…goad goad goad then walk away, leaving the dog barking and frothing at the mouth. Frankly I love to watch cheater lose his cool these days. Where I can I help out strictly for the entertainment. It’s the least he can provide me with as compensation for his shit. A good laugh!

  • Humor! I could not have survived without it! My mom sister and I had funny/sarcastic names on our phone when he called ((Houdini) and when we referred to him. Best friend really made me laugh. He referred to their love as “Romeo & Juliet” and when I told my best friend that she laughed and said “Romeo and Juliette my ass, more like The Titanic!”

    • Roadkill,
      The ex must not have read Romeo and Juliet because if he did, he would remember they both end up dead at the end. Guess the “rose colored glasses” caused by the affair made him extra, super-dooper stoopid.

      • Well he got the forbidden love part right lol. After enough time had gone by and the shock of hearing him refer to anyone that way wore off, I thought the same thing. And maybe he was right?! As for me, i’ll Take a steady, sweet gentle romance anyway. I have been learning to fix my picker!

  • This is so true. Everytime my STBXH gaslight me, I put a a grin on my face. It always makes him uneasy and would ask why I am smiling.

    It is so fun to see

  • If you’re witty (and your mind has already been more “stable” following the cataclysmic events caused by infidelity), snarky comments might be a good arsenal. But for most chumps, particularly those who are still reeling from the betrayal and hurt, I think the no contact is the best weapon.

    With NC, you’re explicitly telling your low-life, single cell cheater that he’s not worth your time, effort, and energy.

    • Or cut him to the point he finally cuts you off and goes back to his lifestyle…craigslist hookups and who knows what else (exactly). The other women he’s strung along, the other relationship he has in another town all the while unsure if your gut reaction was correct…free loading off of you or his mother or another woman or all at the same time. Yes…all at the same time…free time…free loading and lining up all hid pretty, little ducks in a row.

  • Last month my ex was on his weekly 3 hour supervised visit and was having his usual “poor me/I’m the victim/its everyone else’s fault is why my life is shit” rant as well as laying guilt on his kids. Having to be flat grey rock to listen to and put up with this shit for 8 years since we split, I finally had enough and said: you know what if all these years I’ve given you the impression that I actually give two fucks about your problems, I’m very sorry because I don’t give any fucks about your problems. He then tried to lay the “even though I apologised (because sorry so makes up for doing such shitty things to your family) you don’t show me any respect or sympathy”. My response to this zinger was “I actually have been showing you respect and sympathy – I’m showing you the exact same respect and sympathy as you’ve shown to me and our children over the past several years which has been none”. He stormed out of there pretty quickly and didn’t talk to me for a few weeks – bliss. He now says hello and goodbye and doesn’t attempt any conversation.

    With a Narcissist if you don’t have a good comeback my advice is not to respond at all as they do this shit intentionally to get to you and thrive on it. With the witty comebacks they don’t know how to handle it because they don’t have control over you or the situation anymore.

    If this doesn’t work, hang up/ask them to leave. If they make threats/lay guilt don’t respond at all. It’s hard putting boundaries in place for a Narc but it is worth it in terms of regaining your self respect/self worth and putting you back in the driver’s seat and it does get easier.

    You can never change a narc but you can change how you interact with and respond to them. If you can do it with some sarcasm and humor- it’s a huge bonus.

    • Absolutely right. I love how petulant they get when you zing them. You know you’ve scored a hit when they storm off and use the silent treatment. Why not have a little fun since it’s about all you can get out of being around these sickos.

  • I have done this since minutes after I found out about the affair. When he said he loved the OW, I laughed in his face. He then conceded that maybe it wasn’t love, but “strong feelings”. My response was to sneer; “Absolutely. Strong feelings in your dick.”
    Been doing it ever since. So has my adult daughter. We talk about him like he’s not even there and joke about him.
    Soon we’ll be living elsewhere and alas, the snarky fun will end. It’s a small price to pay for peace of mind.

  • When reading back over text messages unable to discern the real monster through crass commentary, intent to inflict deep psychological injury, intent to gain even ground even…remind yourself why, suddenly you are their perfect mirror…not only are you reflecting back what they know to be true of themselves you are also deflecting their abject ideal of you.

    Not grafitying in the least when betraying your own self over the obvious betrayal for not having ended it at the first sign of unease and stooping to their level. However, moving forward…first signs will immediately be met with rapacious remarks perfectly gratifying every ideal of overinflated ego syndrome that so many men seem to carry around in the weight of their nut sack…serve it to them pound for pound so when on a date and they think you being choosy over what you’re going to order is a sign that you aren’t going to settle…settle right on in…shove it in their face and wash your hands of the other “secret” women never settling for flagrant lies or abuse! Rancid bitch at the expense of virtue, so be it. These men will cling to their lies until the bitter end feeding off the agony…time to cut them to the chase in the cat/mouse game.

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