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The I-Know-What-I-Did-Was-Wrong-But-I-Did-It-Anyway Mindfuck

Dear Chump Lady,

Yup I was a chump to a compulsive narcissistic womanizer cheater for a decade, raised his three daughters from his first marriage, (yes he cheated on wife #1 but it was her fault, she was crazy ???? lies lies lies). No I was NOT the other woman I DON’T do that, but I was love bombed post his separation, romanced, and conned and when I finally got free after the rollercoaster of hell, three affairs that I KNOW of, and he knew it… he sent me this text message…. This is not because I’m stuck, this is because I’m free and I’d love you to take this and strip it down and free others.

You showed me great love
I showed you great selfishness
You showed me great faithfulness
I was unfaithful.
You were always there for me.
I was there for myself
You were super loyal to me
I was disloyal
You always wanted me
I wanted others
You were an amazing lover
I was a crass lover.
You were alone and I abandoned you.
You took such great care of me.I took it for granted.
You forgave me and I took advantage. You did my laundry, cooked my food, organized trips, even dressed me and I hardly noticed.
You took care of my daughters and I didn’t thank you.
Yes you had your flaws (small ones) and I didn’t help you.
I didn’t love you and didn’t lead you. I treated strangers better than my wife. You hiked with me, camped with me, liked being with me, loved me, and always complimented me. God gifted me with a second chance after I screwed up my first marriage. He could not have given me a better wife. Keys wallet cell phone in the morning (now glasses too)
Growing old with you would be any man’s dream . Coming home from work to your love and care was a pleasure. Kids pets church great family business and wonderful wife.
Who on earth would throw it all away.
I had everything a man could want but was not satisfied. Natalie Natalie I miss you I love you (if I even know what that means) Bear and Bug were a special couple and our friendship strong. Yes our love was real I just don’t know where I went wrong but I went horribly and terribly wrong. God has abandoned me for abandoning you and he will never forgive me neither will I ever forgive myself.
Bear and Bug
Bear and Bug
Bear and Bug did love each other
Bear and Bug
Bear and Bug
Bear and Bug
Bug and Bear
Bear and bug lyky loml
Good bye my love. I will forever miss you.


Dear Natalie,

Wow. Sad Sausage channel is cranked up to 11 with this one.

What are you supposed to do with this? Feel sorry for him? Return to him? Go fetch his keys and wallet?

Notice that at NO point does he say, “Please, come back!”

He doesn’t have to. He’s trusting you’re a chump and his distress will compel you to return to him.

But he does give you a powerful kibble. Many a chump has fallen off the path of no contact and tried to reconcile when thrown this kibble — he gives you insight.

He admits he was wrong. That he behaved badly. That there is a norm for how you treat someone you love, and he transgressed it.

Now ordinarily, when making an apology, the first step is admitting wrongdoing — but also notice, he NEVER SAYS SORRY. He just gives a list of the things he did wrong. You’re supposed to infer the apology.

When you’ve been gaslighted and told that you were selfish, and NOW he tells you, no, you were unselfish — it’s powerful kibble to a chump. I wasn’t crazy. You WERE wrong. You admitted it! The person who harmed me will now heal me and unicorns will prance at our vow renewal ceremony….

He has INSIGHT! He has been HUMBLED! And now we can work on US!

Way to be cynical Chump Lady. Who wouldn’t thrill to this kind of sorry! He admitted he was wrong! What’s wrong with that?

It’s incomplete. It’s cheese in the mousetrap. It’s chump bait.

Time to trot out the Dr. George Simon axiom: “It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they disagree.”

Meaning, Natalie, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing — he just didn’t care. He disagrees with the idea that he should conform his behavior to what anyone wants. You’re Not the Boss of Him.

So when he didn’t thank you for raising his children, he knew he was being ungrateful — but he didn’t care enough then to thank you. Notice he doesn’t thank you now either! He never has to humble himself to that position! He merely points out his AWARENESS that he didn’t thank you. You fill in the rest.

Chumps are always spackling in these kinds of gaps.

He’s dressing this shit up as an insight problem, not a character problem. Because he is, after all, someone who deep down loved you and valued you. His actions don’t matter. His insights matter. And now that he has enlightenment, everything will be better!

I miss you I love you (if I even know what that means)

This is the tell. He doesn’t know what love means. But if he strings together some words for a target who actually feels emotions like love, he might get the results he was looking for.

Bear and Bug were a special couple and our friendship strong. Yes our love was real I just don’t know where I went wrong

I have all this insight that I did terrible things, but I don’t know where I went wrong. So actually… I’m not that insightful.

Woe is me! All these Bad Decisions keep happening to me! I don’t know who’s making these decisions (sob) but I know that he loves you!

but I went horribly and terribly wrong.

Left out: BECAUSE I WANTED TO. Because I did the cost-benefit analysis of your pain versus my desires, and I went with ME, every time. Because I feel entitled to your caregiving and childrearing. So why should I thank you, for what is rightfully mine?

God has abandoned me for abandoning you

Woe! I’m the one who Really Suffers here. Okay, so a mere mortal like me abandoned you, GOD abandoned ME. So, like I WIN. God hasn’t paid his subject support in months.

and he will never forgive me neither will I ever forgive myself.

But YOU could forgive me! And then you’d be bigger than me and God put together! Such would be your munificence!

Now fetch my wallet, bitch.


Natalie, this guy is a mindfuck. But you knew that, right? Thanks for sharing the bullshit.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • He’s probably looking for sympathy, he thought he had you were he wanted you. Next he will be feeling depressed, develop symptoms of serious illness, fake illness, fake suicide attempts, blame parents.

    • My ex faked depression prior to my discovering the cheating. This was such a shitty thing to do because I do have severe depression and he played on my sympathy so he could play sick in his room and use his faked mental illness to justify going to conventions to help his ‘depression.’

      I wonder how he’s doing. Is he still sponging off his relatives or did he get a minimum wage job and is living in poverty?

      His predicament gives me cruel pleasure. Heheheh

      • My ex faked depression also while conducting an affair. Also used it as an excuse not to show any affection or have any sex(with me)
        Such deceit and manipulation as I vowed my love and support anyway(that’s what you do when you love someone) Boy did I feel a chump when he later left and I found out about the affair. Such abuse of trust is disordered.

      • Mine faked depression too. Trouble staying asleep. Caught him crying for no reason one morning. I felt so bad for him as I had no clue what was wrong with him all of a sudden. Awww, poor pathological lying cheater found out one of the women he was grooming for years was getting a divorce. Poor, poor cheater. I was so worried about him as I had no idea what he was planning behind my back. At one point I suggested that maybe he should go see a doctor for his depression. He said and I quote, “I don’t want to take any medicine that might damage my brain.” Too late, SOCIOPATH! Man, he sure played on my empathy and kind heart.

    • YES he sent me that message twice over two days both times threatening suicide, when I wouldn’t reply he called the OW AP and she ran to his side, she is there now and they are snug about it, thinking how fortunate they both are and I’m so so so happy to be FREE!

      • That’s my girl…you are the strong one here! This roller coaster has finally come to a stop! Love you (LB).

    • My stbxw still claims any wrongdoings and that I’m the one going around spreading lies because everyone else came to there own conclusions. The only apology I got was I’m sorry and move on, I never meant to hurt you. After 17 years together and numerous Ddays with women too! They never change and I am better off without a lying wife who was trained to do all the housework, yardwork, schoolwork and work full-time when she did what she wanted! I’m a chump but so glad to be out! My next GF will benefit so much from me! Onward and upward!

  • I, I, I, I,….count the I’s. This isn’t what sorry looks like but you know that. Not to mention that no faux apology from a cheater would be complete without a little mention of your flaws too. God forbid he/she could let your forget that “mistakes were made.”

    Blech!! The best a chump can hope for is that he/she is far enough down the road to meh to read through this BS and see it for what it is!

    • Exactly cheaterssuck,
      So many I’s
      equals pIes in the sky, but guess that would be cakes in the sky in this case.
      Natalie, you are well rid of IIIIII fake guy.
      Now, it is time for YOU!

  • My ex faked illness, suicide attempts, finances, and faked being a decent person, he is reaping what he sows!

  • All that I can see out of this is

    “I treated strangers better than I treated my wife”

    It’s the only sentence that matters. I don’t want a “partner” who treats strangers better than me.

    • I accused the X of treating his friends better than he treated me, and that’s not saying much. He didn’t treat them much better either. This men are pieces of messed-up shit.

      • This is so familiar to me. I would mention from time to time that I would be pleased if he treated me half as decent as he did our dogs.

        • I have to laugh, FedUpChump. He accused me of treating the dog and two cats better than him. Well, at least they paid attention to me and listened when I spoke which is more than he did. They came with me when I moved out.

    • That was my life. He treated everyone better then he treated me. I was lucky to get a kibble every now and then. And I foolishly did it for 15 years, just faithfully waiting on that random kibble, random compliment

      The first 2 years after I divorced, I had to remind myself that I did not want to live that way.

    • My ex came home all riled up after a counting session and ranted how abused he felt because the counselor had pointed out that this was how he treated me. Why he thought I would be a good audience for that is anybody’s guess, but in any case it was pretty funny.

    • I had this exact complaint about my X long before I knew anything was really wrong with him or my marriage. He would treat strangers on the street like royalty and me like garbage. He would be sniping at me in the house like a jerk and the phone would ring, he’d pick it up and be the greatest guy ever in an instant, no spillover emotions from what had been happening.

      • My STBX wasn’t too horrible to me when we were alone, but he did value others time more than mine. So he would stay late at work or help out friends/coworkers at every chance. But when I needed him, he dragged his feet or didn’t mind making me late. But if there was a chance for image management, he was on time and making sure we were all perfect. Basically, he respected everyone else more than me. GAH Now I know why I am a chump. I never put all of these things together. I didn’t see the pattern…

        • Nodding my head along here @chumpychumpster!

          He would try his best to be on time for client meetings, or business stuff, but when it came to our time or family (we live closer to my parents), he would whinge about how he is busy and how old people have too much free time on their hands. That people need to understand his busy schedule, and give him space!

          I told him that it’s a shitty excuse and poor time management on his part. If he can be punctual for business then why can’t he do the same for us? Crickets. And he would continue the same shit anyway.

    • Same here. My ex gave more attention and better treatment to everyone else except for me and our kids. Everyone else got the best of him and we got the leftover daily crumbs. Everyone thinks he’s such a “Nice Guy!” and he was all sparkly husband/father in front of others. At home he pretty much did his own thing and tossed us a tiny kibble of attention over dinner and if we were lucky, he might have talked to us a little bit at night.

      On one family vacation, we went on an all day rappelling excursion in Utah. He ditched the kids and I pretty much all day. He spent almost the whole day hanging and talking with a female German lady probably half his age. He was showing off and taking pictures of everyone else. At one point, both of our kids said to me, “Why is Dad spending the whole day with strangers and not with us?” So it wasn’t just me imagining it. I do not miss for one minute that attention and admiration seeking narcopath.

      • ^^^This!^^^

        I was discarded five hours after our flight back from Mexico – a trip where the kids asked “why does dad talk to everyone more than us?”.

        Why exactly. Almost one year anniversary of D-day and I still spend most days wondering who that woman was who danced and accepted all the blame of an entitled cheating narcissist.

  • really? I’m sorry – it looks like he copied it out of a Readers Digest anthology of RIC poetry. What is the point? what does he want with this? I am sorry – it looks like weird outpourings of the attention starved.

    • YEP! He’s the sort of person who “Vaguebooks” in order to get attention and inquiries so everyone posts shit like “You are wonderful. Stay strong!” Attention whoring and sympathy sucking if I’ve ever read it. This not is NOT about him feeling bad for what he did, it is designed to make HER feel bad for imposing consequences. Fake jerk.

  • They absolutely do the math. When they go off to “figure things out” they are doing the math. They are cold, calculating robots and it all comes down to the fact that they just.don’

  • This is one to save and reread so I am reminded of my chumpiness and his fuckupedness. I never received an apology either; and ironically that is the most character/honesty he’s shown.

      • The apology I got, went something like this:

        (Said to me on the evening of our daughter’s 8th birthday, after a big family dinner, while I was cleaning up, and finishing up a batch of salsa I was canning, and while our excited 8 year old was still awake and around 10 p.m. at night)

        “I’ve been having affair with someone at work and she has decided to tell her husband and so I decided it was time to tell you. She isn’t working there anymore, she’s starting working in (next town over) and I’m sorry and I will quit my job and go to (same town) if you want or whatever you want.”

        And he has continuously maintained that he DID apologize and that I have been just too demanding and controlling ever since.

        • So I suppose if you had punched him in the mouth and said “sorry” he would have accepted your apology and put his face close to you again, completely trusting that you wouldn’t repeat the behavior, eh?

          Cheaters are d-bags.

          • My husband ‘apologized’ by coming clean to let me know he was back with the OW (again). I punched him. He fell down. I kicked him. I cut myself. I broke her windows. I turned myself into the police. Seriously funny story, from here.

              • Seriously, what happened after you turned yourself in? My aunt discovered her spouse was cheating and she threw their cutlery out the window at him. Sadly, she’s still with him.

            • ???????? very bad idea! Don’t lose your cool and attack them, they’re not worth it, and you’ll wonder why you did it the next morning. I took the high road so many times I lost count, even when he, and she, deserved a good whooping!
              Toilet paper my front yard? Twice?
              Sneak across the street once I’m asleep?
              Throw glasses and plates at my front door?
              Yup, all this, and I kept my head on straight and calm, because I refuse to be like them ????

  • This is so typical. I received those letters, too. Where he recognizes all the bad things, but then states only how bad it makes him feel that he had done them and that he never will be able to forgive himself. Not one mention of how it impacts me or the family. All about him.
    His entire journey right now is on finding a way to make himself feel better. He could care less about how anyone else is feeling around him. That maybe we do not want anyone in our life that lied and cheated.

    This letter states exactly the same. It is all about him. How he feels. How he is not happy with his actions and how they ruined HIS life. Nothing here shows remorse. It is a script to manipulate.

    • Exactly! My ex was great at recognizing all the terrible things he did, but seemed completely baffled as to what he could possibly do about it. His apologies always lacked any type of action. And I finally realized that he did exactly what he wanted to do. The word “sacrifice” was not in his vocabulary. It was always about him and his feelings. Instead of blaming me, he blamed his feelings for everything. I got stuff like this …

      “ I cheated because my feelings for you must have changed”.
      “I cheated because I felt like we (him and AP) were supposed to be together.”
      “It’s not you, you were the perfect wife, I just can’t help my feelings”

      He is really good at playing sad sausage. Sometime I feel worry for him. But then I remember how he lead a double life for 2+years (at least) and lied to my face thousands of times. What type of person can do that?

      • Yes, because they manage the world by maximizing their own good feelings.

        The lack of action and the passivity is what bothers me the most in retrospect. He complaint about me and dynamics between us, but essentially expected me to do all the work. While changing the goal post as often as he desired.

        He never changed a thing in his behavior or demonstrated remorse through actions. The only action he showed was “withholding” . Not showing love, not showing affection, not holding hands, not talking, not listening to me, not complying with any asks.

        • I think we married the same guy. Super passive. That is such a turn off to me now. So unattractive. I used to like the easy going type. Now I know that only dead fish go with the flow.

    • My ex was the same. Any mention of anything was how he didn’t like who he had become, he was not himself, his life is ruined, etc.

      Absolutely NO mention of how this affected me or our daughter. Daughter is having issues accepting her new “instant family” complete with baby sister and another on the way. When people ask if she has siblings, she hesitates answering. Any family writing assignments have no mention of her dad, his girlfriend or their kid. She calls them her “fake family”. When I bring this up to Ex he either ignores it or dismisses it. “She’s fine when she’s here” is the only response I get.

      I don’t even waste my time anymore. He only cares about himself and impression management. “Look here’s a picture of my new perfect family on Facebook” but in reality he sees his child EOW, does not engage in schoolwork, frequently dismisses her feelings and in general put a 8 yo in a very emotionally damaging situation all so he could feel better about himself.

      • My son was nine and completely derailed when his father left. He started to self-harm, hitting himself repeatedly in the face and head, calling himself stupid and idiot, and saying that he doesn’t know why he is living life and saying it is my fault I brought him into this world. In two months, I had to pick him up from school five times for severe unsafe behaviour and give him respite at home. My son also has autism and was getting increasingly exhausted from the “50-50” access schedule that called for too many sleep transitions that he could not handle.

        The school called a meeting after the first month to express concerns to me and the STBXH about our son’s emotional and mental well-being. He had taken a chair and crashed it over his head repeatedly saying that he hated his life, the class had to be evacuated.

        The ex’s reply to all of this: “Funny, he’s never done any of this with me.” “You know he just needs time to adjust to this change in his life.” “We’re doing everything right. We just need to play with him more.”

        Are you kidding me?

        I consulted with a lawyer who told me that having a son with a disability can provide very persuasive grounds for changing an access agreement if you show that you are the parent with greater understanding of the child’s needs. I immediately got a family counsellor and made him attend the session with me and the kids. The counsellor saw him for what he was right away. After our first session with just her and us, the parents, she determined that our son was in crisis and we need to get him into see her the next day. His response to her was how could she probably make that assessment without having even met our son yet, doesn’t she need to talk to him first. She said that yes she needs to talk with our son to determine things futher, but that there is nothing normal about a nine year old kid who hurts himself, calls himself names and wishes he wasn’t alive. She also told him that if he had not observed any of these behaviours from his own son, it doesn’t mean that his son isn’t doing it and everyone is lying, it means that his son is revealing his feeling to the people he feels will listen and understand best (total dig!!!).

        It took six weeks to get my ex to amicably agree to a change in the access agreement so that our son now sleeps at home with me during school nights. I kept the family home, so I provided the greatest consistency to life’s routines, an important issue for someone with autism. I was able to completely avoid the lawyer and court with some patience and the aid of a great family counsellor.

        All my child’s father cared about was himself. He didn’t see what was really going on with him because he didn’t actually talk with him, ask him how he was feeling about the change in life, validate him. When my ex finally agreed to the change in access, he had the decency to say, “What else can I do? Our son needs help.”

        However, now that my ex realizes that the access change puts me as having the kids 65% of the time and child support kicks in, he wants to change the agreement back. I blasted his with a resounding NO!!!! and pointed out that he just said that for his own gain and not for the well-being of our son.

        I don’t want the child support, I make almost double my ex’s salary and have no interest in bankrupting him (he barely earns enough to support living on his own). Now I’m working with the lawyer to find the loophole to getting him out of child support. My expectation is that he splits all extraneous costs for the kids (proportionate to income too). Ironically, the controlling, emasculating wife that I am accused of is working desperately to save his financial ass and keep our children healthy.

        How’s my son? Upon the change in access, there was immediate change. Not one pick up from school, no class evacuations. Sixteen hours of family counselling, over 50 hours of ABA therapy, and he’s having a most successful year in Grade 5. He’s doing so well at school that he has not required any EA support at all yet.

        And his dad, still thinking about himself and living a life of constantly taking the path of least resistance.

        • I’m lucky in that I have sole physical custody, so I can minimize any damage. My daughter has no disabilities, but so much of what you said rings true for us. She sometimes says her life sucks, calls herself stupid, a bad person, etc… I know that when I call her on her normal kid lying, she thinks she is like her father and a bad person. It’s heartbreaking to see.

          I’ve gotten similar responses from the ex that she needs to spend more time with them, she needs time to adjust..blah, blah. blah. But he does nothing to address the real problem.

          “She also told him that if he had not observed any of these behaviors from his own son, it doesn’t mean that his son isn’t doing it and everyone is lying, it means that his son is revealing his feeling to the people he feels will listen and understand best (total dig!!!).”

          This is SO TRUE! I know my ex thinks I’m lying or coaching our daughter but the truth is she just trusts me more. I listen and validate her feelings. He ignores them.

          I’m glad to hear your son is doing better. It gives me hope. I will continue to support my daughter and know she can grow and heal.

  • IMO this is the worst mind-fuck I’ve read in a long time. He is a evil sociopath ????

  • This made me want to get sick. It was so similar to so many texts I would get from my ex until I went no contact.

    I can still remember being so confused and thinking that he finally sees what he is doing. Now I realize just sick and cold he really was.

    Excuse me while I go throw up.

  • Yes – creeps like him disagree – especially with consequences. They’ll also tell you exactly what you want to hear if you are of use to them and they learn from marriage counselors or when we tell them “what we need to hear” the lingo that might persuade or sooth us. But it is all uttered horseshit.
    Sometimes I wonder how I could have found it so believable- the things he said and wrote- when the actions so plainly said he was lying. I wanted to believe and I wanted to feel better, so I guess his words had a placebo effect.
    When I went through the first reconciliation attempt I was one of those people who said “he’s doing everything right. He’s so sorry. He shows it. We’re going to rebuild. This doesn’t have to destroy us.” Eight years later and well into middle age I find out that not only had he been lying to me all during that time, I’d been totally lying to myself. He then said during our divorce, “I used up your youth” basically saying I was about as desirable as an empty water bottle. But I let him. And that’s really hard to forgive – knowing I bought into lies because I didn’t want to face the reality of his actions.
    My life is wonderful now. I have a supportive family and a caring partner – a fellow chump who doesn’t say a whole lot but his actions, they are unmistakably kind. But oh how I wish I had not been such a fool and heard what I wanted to hear instead of being wise and seen the plain truth. Be warned if you are a chump thinking that reconciliation works. It’s a pay now or pay later situation with cheater’s and the bill always comes due.

    • Wow- you are so right. “Pay now, or pay later”. I “wasted” 2 1/2 years of my life after D-Day, also wanting to believe in his words and (temporary) actions, wanting so bad to believe that he had realized that the affair was a selfish act, and that it could never compare to the life we built as a family. Until I caught him with her again… and instead of trying to reassure me or build that trust back, he resented me and blame shifted.

      I tried like hell, but I was trying alone, and clearly I (now know, thanks to CL) playing the pick-me-dance, and oh, did I play! (UGH!) BUT, then- I decided that I would rather be alone, than with someone that made me feel alone. I am slowly starting to rebuild. And, shocker- he moved in with the affair partner (that he was no longer in communication with…yeah right!) four months after our divorce!

      I hope to find a caring partner some day! For now, I know that I must do work on me…
      Thanks for sharing!

      • “Until I caught him with her again… and instead of trying to reassure me or build that trust back, he resented me and blame shifted.” We share the same story!

    • The Alcoholic looked at me and told me he couldn’t change the past, so I needed to just get over it and quit talking about it. He’d forgiven himself; I needed to do the same.

      Not one sincere apology (a few weak insincere apologies under duress only). Not one word of remorse. Not one attempt to fix the damage. Just a few empty promises and a finger in the eye for asking. For this I was supposed to move heaven and earth, give him praise, and fix the damage myself.

    • “they learn from marriage counselors or when we tell them “what we need to hear” the lingo that might persuade or sooth us.”


      My ex used everything I said I needed or the techniques from our marriage program to con me further. That is worse than the cheating.

  • Limp dick has just been dumped by Pond Scum (22 years younger). Her words – ‘to be brutally honest, I don’t love you enough to be there when I am 60 & you are 82’ don’t worry about the 2 families bombed apart! Disordered dishonerable dirtbags!

      • There has been no remorse, no consequences and an endless stream of criticism of my faults. We own a business together and I have to go to work every week and watch the dissolution of our lives and history. It’s like ripping a bandaid off EVERY WEEK! Today I actually sign off on financial records and can commence settlement. It has been the hardest most demoralising shitstorm of my life. 36 years wasted in a paper mache marriage (hollow on the inside!). My beautiful daughters deserved a great Dad, not a great disappointment!

        • I’m in the same situation after 27 years. We have two businesses together. How did you go about doing a settlement? I’m just in limbo because I don’t want to destroy the companies. Thanks for any advice

          • Yes it is hard. I have held off but it’s now 2 years since DDay and I want out. What has to be; has to be.
            I want that better life; free of the pain of seeing him and feeling sad at what has happened to our life. I am happy to talk to you on email if that helps.

    • What? She doesn’t want to change his diapers, wheel him around carrying his oxygen tank, going to bed at 7pm? What is wrong with her?

      • Of course not! The purse & the nurse! A winning combo! I think she is waiting for the plumber with the big dick to show up!

      • Mine told me he didn’t want to be around to change my diapers. I’m 7-1/2 years older than him and still working full time.

        Anyway, when we met he asked if I had all of my teeth. Which I did. And then he lost most of his and has dentures.

        We’ll see if his gf who is 25 years younger than him will want to be around to change his diapers. After she takes his money, I doubt it. 🙂

    • Ozzie
      And this is where CL’S words of wisdom fit nicely.
      “Left out: BECAUSE I WANTED TO. Because I did the cost-benefit analysis of your pain versus my desires, and I went with ME, every time.”

      Haha, she’s doing her own cost/benefit analysts. I’m pretty sure there comes a day when the OW realizes it’s not prime rib; it’s chopped liver.

      • Doingme, this quote (“BECAUSE I WANTED TO”) is indeed wise – so spot on!!

        They definitely KNOW that we will have deep pain as a result of their cheating. But any narc who compares our pain to their desires will opt for themselves “every time.”

        They don’t even learn from consequences – that’s why so many of us have D-Day (or days) after D-Day #1. We mistakenly assume they’ve changed because now they understand how much pain cheating causes us and they would surely never do it again.

        Nope! Only non-disordered people have the empathy required to stop doing something that hurts someone else so terribly.

      • We breed game birds for the restaurant industry and run a closed farm; from egg to packaged birds. I refer to our family property as Deadgate (Redgate) abbatoir of the Soul. We run an abbatoir! Pond Scum was brought into our business (so she could gut chickens! High class!) and they could fuck & fiddle in the bird pens. This is honestly too sick to make this shit up! Imagine burning both families, your business, your history and every friend! Seriously disordered. He aggressively told our adult daughters that they don’t walk in his shoes, it’s all about his happiness. Well guess what. As we commence settlement I am helping him get to Nirvana as quickly as I can! I will change my last name and will never have to be in the same room again as this fool!

        • Wait, wat?!? Given what I know about chickens, geese and ducks and how they behave around fingers and toes, I know that if I had a penis I would *never* take it out around those critters – that’s a good way to get a bite one wouldn’t forget…

        • But Ozziechump, you paint such a romantic picture of that setting I can see why they fell madly in lust. It kinda reminds me of the scene in “10” with Bo Derek and Dudley Moore running towards each other on the beach. Of COURSE they fell for each other!

    • If you do not mind me asking how old is LD now? I’m thinking OW has someone else lined up because cheaters normally do not have the capacity for thinking that far ahead and they don’t leave till they have someone else waiting in the wings.

      • Limp Dick (of the erectile dysfunction fame) is 62, Pond scum is not yet 40! I caught the 2 of them in our food van in the local swamp; the day after our 27th wedding anniversary. She had no clothes on. I have watched their so called relationship on life support for 15 of the last 18 months whilst I tried to build a better life. I hate what they have both done to 2 beautiful families. All for nothing. I have kept saying that she is simply waiting for the plumber with the big dick to turn up!

        • How fitting you caught them is a swamp? Nothing but sludge and stink. A great reflection of their “love”.

        • Oh yeah Pond Scum has one foot out the door and is just waiting for someone else to be stupid enough to get involved with her. Karma would be no one taking the bait and her being stuck with LD for years and LD being stuck with her because believe me the both of them are miserable right now.

  • My ex would be like this if the other woman smartens up. Fingers crossed she doesn’t. Takers take. Like sharks. Nothing personal. They just gotta eat everything.

    • “Like sharks. Nothing personal. They just gotta eat everything.” Love this, it’s SO true. Nothing personal, ’cause it’s all about ME!

  • If the X would ever write a letter, this would be it. Now, I got the “I apologize…..” for whatever that means. Oh yeah, it’s means fucking nothing. Never got a show of remorse. The only time he might contact me is if something happened to his son or daughter. Other than that, I will be surprised if I ever hear from again.

    I knew the X was very self-centered but it wasn’t till I went to that I was able to put all the dots together to create one very ugly picture. Now that I know he’s very disordered, I’m trying to figure out how to put myself back together. He sucked the joy out of the everything and made me doubt myself. This whole time, he wanted me to believe that it was me. No, it was him, it always him.

    I’m starting to be OK with knowing that he’s not a good persona and never was. I’m starting to be OK with knowing that my marriage may have been a sham and that his love was never real. But, this will not define the rest of life. I used to be a joyous person. I want to bring her back to life and never let her again.

  • My STBX never really apologized for cheating with my cousin. He would say ” I told I was sorry what else do you want from me?” Then would turn it around by saying that it never seemed that I would care anyway. These fuckwits only care about themselves. All my STBX still seems to care about is if I tell people what he did. Because it is no ones business why we separated. The only thing he gives a dam about is how others see him. I tell anyone I want. So what if his reputation is ruined. He sure did not care about it when he was running around with Skankella.

    • Ha. I married the same guy.

      Here are the standard responses;
      “Do not tell anyone, because then I will tell everyone how you made me unhappy.”
      “It is noone’s business” — He slept with a subordinate, who was promoted during the affair. Do not tell me that your judgement was not affected when she had your dick in her mouth.
      “I am sorry, what more do you want to hear.”
      “Don’t you think I regret what I have done? I feel so miserable. I told you how hard this is on me.”
      “There is nothing I can do to change my actions now.”

      • LOL – the x told me that he wanted to be alone and this would be hard on him too. All lies. He had someone lined up and he’s still with here. The only thing hard for him was having to deal with me as I ranted and cried for 2 months. He discarded me and probably would have been skipping if it wouldn’t have made him look bad.

        • Ha. Mine did skip. She was ECSTATIC the day she moved out. But everyone still thinks she’s “fabulous” and I’m the one who lost all of my friends. These freaking narcissistic sociopaths are so incredibly dangerous.

          • I never even got a whiff of sincere apologies. I tried to coerce a couple out of him but they were so unbelievably phony. He wasn’t one bit ‘sorry’ about anything he did to me. Because it was ALL about him and schmoopie. I sure wish that Karma bus would show up before I die. Not very meh I know.

  • This letter reminds me of politicians: they can list all the things that are wrong with the economy, education, healthcare, safety. But very few (none?) can clearly state their solutions, explain how the solutions work and why they are the best and the best solution in the interest of which segment of the population.

    Natalie’s ex just listed the obvious: his mistakes and what he’ll be missing out on (“Coming home from work to your love and care was a pleasure. Kids pets church great family business and wonderful wife.”).

    But the solutions and how they work….. If I were Nathalie I would be furious at a letter like this.

    • I wasn’t mad, in fact this was what freed me, he sent this when I went no contact and let him know he will never have me back and that he was lucky to get me the first time. I’ll be honest I still struggle with “romancing” what we could have been but thats a fucked up unicorn so I try to stay steady and move forward, I’m still haunted by some of the things he said like “you’ll grow old and alone”, but I’ve realized I do have a healthy lovely FRamily. My future is good.

      • Mine feels so sorry for me because (he thinks) I’ll grow old and alone. Ha bloody ha. I’ve had so much fun since he left and at least someone isn’t with me for what I can buy for them.

      • Nathalie, I used to be afraid of growing old alone. I don’t deserve to grow old alone.
        But now I prefer 1000 times to be alone than in humiliating company.
        Once you have that perspective you find there is so much that in fact does keep you company.

        • Natalie, You were already alone in your marriage when he was living his double life, you just didn’t know it at the time (but may have sensed it). You are absolutely right that your future will be good. Like the rest of us chumps, you didn’t have a partnership based on reciprocal love, trust and respect. What could be lonelier than that kind of life? We are all entering a new phase in our lives where we can try new things, learn new hobbies and meet new people. To be lonely or not is something we have control over. I am in the process of divorcing my cheating wife, after thirty years of marriage. I feel lonely for her at times, but then realize I am lonely for a person who never really existed except in my own mind, and a person who didn’t love me the way I loved her. For us chumps, it is scary escaping marital hell, but the future is bright and is something to look forward to.

      • Don’t listen to that “old and alone” business. You don’t know what the future holds but it’s way better than your past with that loser. People find each other at all ages – romantically and friendships. One of my dear friends met the love of her life at 68, remarried and is blissfully happy after being divorced for 30 years. Another met her soul mate best friend and they travel all over the world together. And there are way worse things than being “alone”. Being with the kind of person who’d tear you down and enjoy it is one. My ex said he’d used up my youth and no one would be attracted to a middle aged mom with 3 kiddos. Wrong. So wrong. I spent a long time fixing my picker and working on myself and when I decided to begin dating again I met many nice men and then I met my person – a fellow chump- and we are so happy and compatible it makes me laugh when I think about what my horrible ex said because it really damaged me at the time- but it was just another big lie. Remember that FEAR IS A LIAR. I do think that you have to completely focus on the character of the person though- you can’t choose like you might when you are 18 for looks or what looks good on paper or anything superficial. If I had turned away this guy because of how he dressed or his paunch or his adoration of model trains – things I would have scoffed at in my youth – I would have missed out on knowing the most wonderful person. Also, in my experience the awkward guys – the ones who don’t have that ease from the getgo- are the ones I’d call the “good” ones to date.

  • The closest thing I got to an apology was “I’m sorry you’re so sad”. Sure, man. Whatever. Thank the universe I was able to go NO CONTACT. It truly is the path to light.

    And, boy, does NC piss them off- the lies he told about his first wife will also be told about you, Natalie- so be prepared. Give him ten minutes, and he’ll really believe what he’s telling people. That’s how fucked up these creeps are.

    • My apologies from the Prince of Darkness were in texts and written on the chalkboard in my kitchen. Oh, and he told our neighbors/friends he feels like an asshole for doing me wrong. Yep, warmed my heart and made everything all better. Idiot!

    • I truly believe the Twat actually believed his story of the break-up. Like he DIDN’T move in with the Skank 6 weeks before he came home and told me, how he DIDN’T introduce her to our kids before even having the decency to tell me about her. How he NEVER hit me, how WE decided to separate. I don’t care one way or the other now but it is amazing that (I think) he truly believes this!

      • I heard from another friend that WE decided to divorce like I had a voice in the matter. Whatever…

        • My XH uses the “we” language.

          Me: You told me that you have not been in love with me for years.
          He: This is not what I said; I said “we” have not been happy and in love for years. You need to take responsibility for the lack of love in our relationship.

          We grew apart.
          We did not love each other anymore.
          We did not show affection.
          We broke up.
          We decided to get a divorce.

          Yeah, like I was an equal and had a choice.

    • The closest thing I got to an apology was “This wasn’t the plan. We planned to wait for the spring.”

      • I got the “You were not supposed to find out about the affair.”

        Right, because you really wanted me to take on all the blame for a failed marriage. Because this was all you told me how I drove you away and how I made you unhappy. Oops, so sorry that the affair made it very clear that you were not the victim here.

        • I really think the X wanted to get a divorce without me finding his extracurricular activities. His narrative was he was unhappy, I was unhappy according to him, and we bickered alot which we did. Oh, and he wasn’t in love with me anymore. But, he wanted us to part on good terms. That’s all I got – seriously. All of this left the door open in case he had a change of heart and decided that life with me was better. Nope, I decided that life without you will be much better.

          • Jesus! They are all so exasperatingly identical!
            Mine even threatened to come back after three months. I say threatened cause any proposal to return I knew would lead to the same shit in due course.
            They think we are stupid. Our kindness is weakness. Our forgiveness and second chance is an out of jail free card for them.
            Lesson: don’t cast your pearls before swine.

        • @Inescapable – look at it this way: we only hide the things we’re ashamed of. He may never admit any fault, but that fact that he hid it means he knows it was wrong.

          My eldest’s first inkling that something hinky was going on was when XW lied to her about who she was texting. Without the lie (and the implicit admission that something shameful was occurring) I don’t think she’d have figured out about the affair for a year.

  • I read this and I thought “self pity”, of course. But were I to attempt to help a fellow chump understand the true nature of the manipulation herein, I seriously doubt I’d have been able to put a name to the real culprit (of which I had only an irritating sense): the empty “offer of insight”. It is so true that this is exactly what this is. The cheese in the trap is the perfect metaphor. And the rest of the logic…the lack of an apology, the lack of a thank you…(and I would add the syrupy appeal to sentiment when he is supposedly owning up to the lifelong creep that he is)….seals the deal on what is going on here. But I think pinpointing this note as “offering the kibble of insight” is brilliant.

    This is the kind of tactic that works so well not only on chumps, but on therapists, friends and family as well. But there are always clues to a crime and there are always tells to a lie.

  • Are you still settling the marital assets?
    This is the kind of tucked up shir they send you when they want to keep part of the 402k you are supposed to get.
    My ex tossed a fake apology here and there thinking it would make the settlement go his way…
    Funny how the sorry stopped before the ink was dry.

  • I’m sorry I ate breakfast before I read this! Barf! I agree with all these comments. And one other thing: what’s with the “Bear and Bug” repeated refrain? If these were your nicknames for each other, Natalie, I can only surmise the he was the Bear and you were the Bug. One of you gets the powerful animal and the other gets something you squish and never give another thought to?! These nicknames are red flags of actions to come. Move on to Meh.

    • Yes! The inclusion of the “inside baseball” stuff like nicknames and acronyms screams of “Behold, we have intimacy!” as a hoovering tactic for sure.

      This letter is a brilliant teaching tool. Natalie was kind to share it and CL was kind to decode it. It’s one of those “can’t unsee” kinds of lessons.

    • Yes those were our love names… but I am free now …. and feel MEH, thank you for the love ???? on this site

  • OMG, what a drama queen! Such anguish, so much self pity, what a sad sausage.

    My response (if it were mine to make)?

    Boo fucking hoo.

  • I also got a kick out of “Yes you had your flaws (small ones) and I didn’t help you.”

    Yes, Cheater, because clearly it is your job to analyze me, assess my faults, and act to correct them so I can become the perfect wife dolly that will act on your desires of me while you whore around acting on the rest of your own desires.


    Natalie, I am excited for your brilliant cheater-free life!

  • Wow….this guy makes a pretty good case that he’s a pretty awful husband.

    If he knew he was so bad…why didn’t he stop doing it?

  • When this poor me missive doesn’t work- expect rage next. In his eyes he has prostrated himself on the cross of vulnerability and you should recognize it and run back. Blah, blah, blah.

  • If my Ex were honest, he’d write something just like this. He’s dropped pieces of that kibble my way, the time to time, to see if I picked it up and ran w/it.

    And I spent 14 ys trying to explain this stuff, and how much he was hurting his kids (who I assumed he loved, stupid me) w/his negativity and moodiness, how much he was hurting me, and how much he was hurting himself.
    I was assuming the insight would change something.

    In the end, it wasn’t about understanding or about love. His choices were all about entitlement, including the entitlement to not have any consequences for his choices.

    Before I understood the entitlement, and how entrenched it was, I just had to accept thatj
    A) he didn’t care enough about me, or our kids, to do anything differently.
    B) he was too stupid to see he was consistently working to his own disadvantage, as well.

    So in the end, even w/insight and regret, it doesn’t make any difference. I deserve better than someone that uncaring and stupid. And now that I understand the entitlement? That game is over.

    • And life gets so much better once you stop trying to convince someone else to treat you better.

  • Sweet goodness what a massive pile of sad sausage shit. What a great wife appliance you were. He sure misses everything you did for him like all of the adulting AND still adoring him at the same time. Do you know how freaking hard it is to find an appliance with all the bells and whistles? Damn it’s killing him that he can find the ones that adore and whore, but not the adulting too. You were the total package.

    Why did he have to go and screw it up and over? Why did you have to find out about the whoring around and levy those consequences? That cake was so damn delicious and maybe even better than the first wife’s cake. Don’t you want to compete for that title, best cake ever? He’s going through cake withdrawal. Can you step in and help!

    • Maybe Santa will send him an automatic key finder thingy. He’s been such a good boy…

  • What would an authentic apology look like? I received an apology of sorts just after him and OW broke up. I don’t know if his behaviour has changed or what he says about me because we are as low contact as you can be with small children.

    • MightyMamaBear,
      I don’t think there is such a thing as an authentic apology.
      I have never heard tell of one in CN.
      Has anyone, and I have missed it?

    • Well, for starters it would have genuine bits on how to make amends and how to improve so s/he wouldn’t do stuff like that in the future. But even if he’s genuinely “sorry” that doesn’t mean he won’t do it again, or that the pain he caused magically disappeared.

  • Wow, narcissists are simply terrible.

    Is it possible to respond to that text with the audio of an extended Bronx cheer/raspberry/gastric sound effect? That would be appropriate.

  • Natalie – I am so WITH YOU on this one… four years ago, this would have had me telling him “we can make this work, we can fix us”… now, I just wanted to scrub my eyes with a wire brush and wipe the vomit from my lips.

    Real people don’t send sad sausage texts like this… real people SHOW YOU ACTIONS. They sign a post-nuptial (if you take them back)… they give you full access to everything: bank accounts, phones, computers (but to be fair, they’ll probably have secrets anyway)… they do the work.

    This diatribe just reminded me of a drunk-dialing 18 year old… don’t pick up.

  • What does a Unicorn Xray look like?

    I am sorry. I was wrong. U were right. I will serve the ones I hurt.

  • I got two apologies from him during our entire 23 years of marriage. One was during the weeks after DDay when he just said “I’m sorry” with no specifics. The next time was the day before the divorce was final when he said he was sorry he hadn’t’ tasked for marriage counseling five years earlier. In other words “I am sorry I didn’t try to fix you first before going shopping for your replacement”. It’s probably just as well. Marriage counseling sooner would have just ramped up my pick me dancing that I was already doing at the time. It wouldn’t have lead to any kind of soul searching or changes in perception on his part. The only thing that might have come out of it is that maybe, perhaps, we would have been divorced before he went looking for “better”. Maybe. If he wasn’t too cowardly.

  • If my Xh cheater pants of 3 decades, could put his thoughts down on paper it would sound like that for sure. ALL of it BS and ALL of it his choice. ALWAYS and FOREVER about them! Glad that you are off of this rollercoaster. I called mine a vortex of hell!!


  • If my ex ever did send me something like the above, I would just have to assume that it was in a moment of temporary lucidity. He has showed occasional glimmers of that throughout our marriage before and after DDay, but those moments never lasted long.

  • I got one of these, during Fucktard X’s next divorce. I think when the OWife left him, he figured he could reel me right back in for more useful service, at least until he found another suitable replacement. Hey, it took minimal effort and was worth a shot, right?

    From my perspective, it felt like being fired, then offered my lousy old job back on even less favorable terms. No, thank you.

  • The title of this one also reminds me of when I asked Ex what he told his Schmoopies to make them think that fucking somebody else’s husband was an ok thing to do. He response was “nothing, nobody thought it was ok” and yet everybody went along with it anyway.

    • I got a similar statement out of my ex. “We both felt terrible about doing it.” And yet… you still did it. Over and over and over.

      • Honestly! I was told this as well and all I could think to say was that I wouldn’t want to be the kind of sicko that could still ‘get it on’ while feeling ‘so terrible’ about it.

        They really are horrifying in their so-called logic, aren’t they?

  • This is really useful for me to read. I have often thought “one day he might get insight into his behaviour and apologise” (although I would never take him back), but I see from this letter that insight and genuine contrition are not within their intellectual or emotional range. Mine asked to meet six months after walking out and said he decided he wanted to come “home”, but all he could offer was that he “missed being part of a family” – no apology, no answer to the question of what relationship he thought he would have with me, no insight into why I would turn down his request to come home. The coldness and lack of empathy are terrifying.

  • Same here Chumpful. Mine said he wanted to be a family and spend the rest of his life proving it. But no substance. Empty. No mention of him missing me or any details. All generalities. No apology, other a couple of verbal I’m sorry’s — but no mention what he was sorry for. Lot’s of Sadz! He was so good at that! He even sent a ‘song’ saying he wanted to come home after leaving for a few months, expecting me to just say yes joyously, which I would have, had he truly altered. Thank God I was well coached by then.

  • I don’t think they even truly believe it’s wrong. They only know that it’s wrong by some people’s standards and maybe looked down upon by society in general. That’s why they go ahead and do it anyway. They have an opportunity that they want to take sitting right in front of them with only two options: 1. Turn it down and give up the fun it will be, or 2. Go for it because it’ll be fun for them. There’s absolutely no consideration for anyone else within that set of choices.

    We can’t really expect anything more from anyone with a moral compass that hasn’t evolved, though. Me see, me want, me take. That’s literally all there is to it. Because they’re skin deep only. And because they’re knuckle draggers. And that goes for the cheaters and those participating in the cheating.

    • Lastinline,
      “Me see, me want, me take.”
      Because they want to, because they can.

      Silly me to think, that he would even think, of our tiny child, or me, the pregnant wife.

  • I had a similar experience last night. After 1.5yrs I am clearing out my house and wanted to give my fuckwit things my sons gave him and a collection he started before we were married over 30yrs ago. I think it was the right thing to do. Of course he wanted more stuff he had left behind when he left me for the tramp. He came to pick them up and was all sweet talk and charming. I knew it was an act to get what he wanted. Thanks to CL and CN I have faced the reality of this mans core. It is hard to come to grips with my belief based in clear evidence that he does not and has not loved me for years. He has worked off and on -mostly off and when not working did basically nothing except play guitar mooching off me while I busted my ass. I let this go on and spackled like crazy. When he left he blamed me because I was too generous. After all my reading about this personality I understand this covert narcissist personality and how I was so blind. It just makes me sick I spent 30 yrs. under the influence. I feel like a chump! My friends are tired of hearing about it. They think I should just be over it. I am trying yet these realizations take me down for a bit albeit shorter and shorter periods of time. Last night I had a meltdown and was literally shaking just like when day occurred. It is powerful this betrayal shit. Hugs.

    • I feel for you, Thrive. I get those shaky adrenaline responses too, still. Last night I had a vivid dream about my ex, and his affair-partner-turned wife. I dreamt it was all a terrible mistake–ha. A part of me is angry, a part of me is resigned, and a large part of me is just…….sad.

      I think it will get better for us. I am sending you positive vibes and hugs galore as you heal.

    • ((((Thrive))))
      You have every right to your feelings. Your friends who tell you to just get over it can never never understand the pain of what you have been through.
      You are a wonderful, caring person who gave and gave and received nothing in return.
      CN understands your pain.
      YOU are Mighty!


  • I know what I did was wrong but I did it anyway. This was exactly what I got except he said “ I tried to stop but I couldn’t.”
    Same sentiment.
    Entitled filthy rat.
    Almost 2 years since Dday, just now facing the consequences, and he is shocked.
    I’m in divorce limbo hell.
    One day at a time.

  • I read something real interesting today:

    Narcissists only reconnect with those exes who are “safe” to the narcissist. “Safe” here means not risking facing rejection and humiliation from the ex. A narcissist will not waste time on an ex if they feel they have the slightest chance of being rejected. Only safe bets for them. So any ex partner that called them out on their behavior and saw through them is not likely to be contacted again unless the ex assumed ALL blame and responsibility for the narcissist’s behavior and made contact first. To not be contacted by a narcissist after the relationship has ended is a HUGE compliment in my book. That means that you despite all the horrific abuse found your strength and stood up for yourself regardless of who ended things. The narcissist knows they can no longer hurt, manipulate and control you. Congrats! You are now free and one of the “lucky” ones that can begin your healing process.

    • Count me in the non-safe category. He wanted me to be safe but I lobbed enough bombs at him that I made myself not safe. In retrospect, I think I was protecting myself against future invasions.

  • Uggghh. Please tell me he was drunk when he wrote this. Otherwise, pass me the antiemetic.

  • Same story, different chapter. My ex dropped me a note a few weeks ago saying that he was sorry he broke my heart. He also added that he didn’t realize that I cared so deeply about him. He pointed out that his heart was also broken and asked me not to hate the OW (who was a family friend) because she felt terribly guilty.

    Yep, so guilty that she moved in two hours after the dog and I left and are they are currently enjoying two weeks together in Hawaii. I was committed to our relationship for 12 years but am trying moving forward at age 67. Thankful for Chumplady, great friends, and a golden retriever who does love unconditionally.

    • Not sure how his heart broken. They were just callous about your feelings. But I wish peace for you.

    • You got the best part of the bargain. A dog is worth WAY more than a shitty ex.

    • “asked me not to hate the OW (who was a family friend) because she felt terribly guilty.”

      Yeah… no. That’s not how it works. Hell, even Shakespeare Villains knew better. In Hamlet, Claudius prays and he has this conversation with himself. Basically “I feel guilty, but can I really pray forgiveness for murdering my brother? I’m still sitting here enjoying the things I killed him for: my ambition, his crown, and his wife.”

      Like, even the bad guy understands that “sorry” means jack shit in these circumstances.

  • ” I just don’t know where I went wrong.”

    Other women’s vaginas. That’s where you went wrong.

    The whole thing sounds nice, only because humans fill in the gaps of the information they observe, by supplementing it with previously-obtained information. As such, you read “I understand that I was a total douche, and I still love you,” and supplement “and so I will be changing my douchey ways and will treat you better,” because that is the non-shitbag implication that should supplement those words.

    However the actual supplement is “I don’t care to examine why I act this way, nor am I taking any steps to change how I act. My only regret is that my bad actions had unfavorable consequences for me – I reaaaaally hate those unfavorable consequences. They suck.”

  • I feel for this kibble a couple of times before figuring out that it was just a STRATEGY.

    Show me a tiny bit of new “insight” and I’d be all excited that he was finally “getting it.”

    The insight never made ANY change in behavior.

    Once I figured that out, I ignored everything that came out of his mouth. Still do, at those times when he needs to talk about the kids and it starts turning toward the Self Pity Channel. Woe is me, but look what I’ve learned. I’m always like, ummmm….. I need to go scoop the cat’s shit pan. See ya.

  • Thanks for this. I needed this today.

    It’s healing to see so many others shared this experience. My Ex fed me this all the way through the slow car crash following D-Day 1.

    “I’m so sorry you’re having to suffer this.”

    Not sorry for what she was doing. Sorry that what she was doing was hurting me.

    It felt like being on a torture rack, and your looking at the torturer, face full of pain, hoping it might elicit some sense of empathy that will make them stop. But instead all they do is keep turning that screw whilst saying “I’m really sorry this is hurting you” with a sad face.

    • I got something similar from my cheating wife, who wrote me: “You are the last person in the world that I would want to hurt. I am sorry to put you through this. You don’t deserve it!” My pain was mere collateral damage to her. That first line is an almost verbatim quote from the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love, in which Steve Carell’s character is told the same thing by his cheating wife.

  • Lurker for quite some time on CN. I could not believe how much of a dipshit sparkles was, and after shit hit the fan he said he knew he was wrong, and this caused him pain too.

    Mind you I finally got this confession after I destroyed his house. I know chump lady is not about revenge but boy did the city code enforcement anonymous hotline come in handy. Sparkles moved to a new place and asked me to look at a structure attached to the house that looked really unsafe. To be clear the structure was really bad and was unsafe, I work with buildings so this was a no brainer for me.
    At this point I discovered sparkles emotional affair and was just so emotionally raw and angry. My gut knew something was off, I finally got my answer. I was bold enough to contact the ow because she needed to know and she can decide what to do moving forward. Sparkle cheater pants was upset… hmmm quite the mindfuck you talk about.
    I decided to report on the anonymous hotline about the structure issue to stick it to him where it hurts. Sparkles was renting the property so the city came out and fined the property owner and made the property owner demolish the 300sq ft structure.

    Shortly after I got a HUGE note from sparkles saying he was terrible, he felt guilty, he realized he caused me pain… hmm this was only AFTER he had to live through a demo and his rent probably went up. Hmm why could you not have been honest BEFORE? Oh I was such a chump, maybe a little devious too!


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