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Twu Wuv Vows?

Dear Chump Lady,

Six years ago I went full out marriage CSI detective and uncovered a long term, on and off affair my then-wife had been having. It was a sprawling, traumatic mess for my children and me. Many narcissist-fueled crimes against truth and empathy were committed that are all too familiar to this blog’s readers. I’m grateful to have divorced quickly and headed in the right direction.

My ex and her affair partner were a match; both married cheaters with children and both conveniently oblivious to the path of destruction they left. Benevolent narcissists who are masters at blame shifting, martyrdom and image management.

Her vacant Trivago-dude affair partner went back multiple times to his wife for years until he divorced and moved in with my ex into what my friends call ‘the unholy union’. Recently they got married. How nice I didn’t need to deal, unlike my kids who had to suffer through it.

If I allow myself to waste even more brain cycles on the life-wasting task of trying to figure her out six years later, I am mostly left slack-jawed, bemused and at a loss. WTF people? Cheater commitment?

Here is the STD-laden, oxymoronic, zen koan cheater “what is the sound of one hand clapping” question for everyone…

What vows would be exchanged at a cheater wedding?


Dear Chumpion,

Thanks for the Fun Friday Challenge. Good question. “Forsaking all others” might be met with a snigger. So what kind ow word salad could they toss?

With this pop-top I thee wed?

For better and worse… providing “worse” doesn’t include extra baby weight, cross-eyed children, unemployment, dusty baseboards, discovering my cheating, mentioning my cheating…

Til Tinder do us part?

Really, maybe we should just chuck this whole vow thing and go right to the dance floor and presents. I don’t know, Nat, this is a real conundrum. CN — got any “vows” to share?


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I promise to create drama and then tell you that you are sensitive. I promise I will pretend to love you and then haha! Jokes on you mother f*****

  • This is timely for me. X Sinister Minister is marrying Miss Piggy Minister in the summer.

    The drama of this entire event is mind boggling…..

    My poor kids are dealing with crazy pants and her Celtic Cowboy themed wedding of over 300 people.

    I promise to be faithful that you know of – forsaking all others until you figure my shit out?!?

    I promise to always be right, all the time, forever and ever, Amen.

    Since promises mean so little to both of these disordered folks, why bother to tie the knot?

    Oh yes, wedding kibbles, centrality and fantasy happily ever after!

    I have my popcorn and am sitting comfortably ( a safe distance away ) by and watching.

      • Celtic Cowboy? Sorry, but there’s not enough nope in the universe. @Lucky, I’m sorry your kids have to deal with that hot, steaming mess.

        • I’m getting it….

          Rope – checked
          Saddle- checked
          As far as the meaning of a Celtic symbols… I admit to googling it, and unfortunately there is nothing related to cheating and being an assholes- on the contrary, lots of values, honor, transparency – basically everything that cheaters don’t have.

          Ugh ????

          300 people? Wow… but again, twisted logic – the triumph of a “ true love” …. ( with destruction track behind, but who cares?)

          • Fuck me I’m actually Irish and I can’t figure that one out…green outfits with golden harps and shamrocks….fairies whirling about throwing lucky charms as confetti… leprechaun administering the ‘for now’ vows….I shudder at what we’ve culturally exported to the States….

            • “FOR NOW VOWS”. Total. Awesomeness.

              x married the mistress in her home country of Japan and she posted pictures on 10 OCT 18…Last night I received a call on my house phone from some chick in North Dakota (where he was stationed) looking for x…I called him and let him know to keep his “side pieces” away from the kids and I. Again, complete awesomeness. SMDH.

    • Well the time for them to let their twu wuv shine has finally come after all these years. You and I and Patsy have all seen it coming like a slow moving storm. Im glad you have your own life and Im hoping you are well into Meh.

      I totally got your comment the other day about you and kids being a beard. I am not far from that…polite, nurse and mommy…perfect front for a fuckity fuck side show…and how he loved to brag to his parents about how well I kept our home. Blech

      Its good to know you Lucky !! Sometime me & Patsy have to show you the pictures of our IRL meet up

  • ‘Til credit card statements loaded-with-expenses-on-flatterfucks-in-spite-of-four-bank-loans-blamed-on-chump do us part

    • They do not deal well with reality and usually have a partner that takes on the reality burden….but when you have two cheater nitwits not dealing with reality it is sheer entertainment watching that train wreck.

  • I forgot numerous times in pysch hospital, each time after being with ow, sad bastards. One time pretended to attempt suicide, doc phoned me asking to phone ex, the ow was shouting at him whist in the hospital, then nurse asked me to fetch him clothes, I said no, get the sti infected ow, to do it. Ex is blaming me on phone whist ow is screaming in background.

  • I promise to put up with your narc-filled rages, your mother’s controlling behavior and I promise to become a member of your family’s cult in which I must bow down to your super narcissist mother.

    I promise to continue to lie and gas light the children, support your alienation so you can take them from the mother who loves them in order to continue to destroy them.

    I promise to look the other way when you spend every little bit of money we have and put us further and further in debt.

    And I promise to look the other way when you are cheating on me because I don’t have any other choice but to put up with it because I have no home, no money and I depend on you for everything.

    True story y’all! I do not feel the least bit of pity for her. She knew he was a married man with kids and supported his terrible behavior.

  • Great question!

    I can’t imagine them making ANY promises except maybe, “I will put myself first, always, and enjoy using you while you have something I want.”

    Really, they probably think that this time they finally found someone worthy of human decency, because this is twu wuv, and they’ll go ahead and make all the traditional promises. I mean, they would have forsaken all others if they hadn’t married people with impossible standards (honesty, fidelity, respect) the first time.

    • ^THIS^
      Words of wisdom and truth in your post Recovering Chump.
      Do other Chumps have trouble listening to a couple say their vows?
      I always feel such a big lump in my throat, I struggle to hold back tears from my eyes. When they do fall I pretend they are happy tears, happy for this precious couple, ( my child , my nieces and nephews).
      It is just that my own experience has weighted down my heart and my soul.
      I mean I once had that look in my eyes, of pure love and devotion. I thought he did too, silly me.
      But, still I do wish original unions, promises, vows said, to remain true. With all my heart I do wish this!

      In this wedding, in today’s archive, the original words were spoken and broken. The match this time is by default. There is no truth left, there is no integrity. Nope, can’t find anything “real” in this match at all.
      The 300 guests are there for the free meal!
      A sad HA!

      • I haven’t had to go to a wedding since my marriage blew up but I know it will be exactly the same for me as I can relate to everything you have described. It is hard not to be cynical about marriage and yet my own parents have been happy for well over 50 years now so it must be possible.

        • I am a little jaded, too, now. But seeing couples who get it right (parents married for 53 years) is evidence that it is possible. Just makes fixing my picker even more important. Love does NOT conquer all…especially narcissism.

        • Peacekeeper,

          My sister just married her finance yesterday and I was the Maid of Honor, so of course I had to give the Big Toast.
          I am truly happy for my sister, they have been together for eight years and they treat each other really well.

          It’s a destination wedding so it’s been a few days of family, sentimental feelings, toasts at the family dinner, and then finally the very touching wedding with adorable vows and then my speech (good news for me I was told that I nailed it) and then my older sister sang……by this point tears were dripping from my face like a leaky faucet. I was so happy for them but I just couldn’t help my hurting heart. It was just 5 years ago that I took those same vows. I made all those promises. I kept all those vows. My sparkly, abandoning, blameshifting husband did not. We both had that sparkle in our eyes, until he deemed me Not Good Enough and set his sparkle sights on someone else. But I still had that sparkle in my eyes for him…I hope someday it will fade.

          I still see Mr. Abandoner because we have kids. But guys, this hurt my heart so bad. It was so torture to watch all the happiness and merriment that I thought we had and be so happy for my sister, who actually has it, all at the same time. I still feel so painfully alone, discarded, lost and very heart broken. Thank God it was a dry wedding because I probably would have drank away my sorrows and fallen off the boat only to be bobbing around in the Sydney Harbor.

          So in honor of that, I will do the Maid of Honor Speech for my abandoning cheater husband and his new wife:

          I am so happy that you two have waded through all those lesser people out there and have found each other and stuck around long enough to get to here: your Special Day. Well, he’s had a few of these special days already, but for you young lady, this is probably really special because you think it’s real.

          Anyway, you, sweet young doormat, you have got yourself a sparkly one. He will fool you all thinking that he really is just that honest, focused, dedicated twice married and divorced (but those two wives were just big mistakes) young man. He will honor you (mostly) and treat you like a million bucks (until he says the most cutting words to you). But ask his adoring supportive mom, he doesn’t actually mean it, he’s just a double scorpio. He will make your think that you outshine all others, and that you are the most special girl in the world. And you will fall madly and deeply in love with his fake charm. You will be so head over heels in love with Mr. Abandoner so when he starts to devalue you, you’ll excuse it away. He’s just cranky. I mean, he really is better than you, so you probably should fix whatever little (big) thing you did so you’ll be so lucky for him to stick around this time.

          And you Mr. Abandoner, I’m so happy that you have waded through all those faulty woman out there to find this perfect (for now) one. Thankfully, you off loaded the first wife, the practice one as you liked to call her. She was so manipulative and despite all the 2.8 years worth of trying so hard for your marriage, alas, it just didn’t work out.

          And FEWF, thank GOD you got rid of the second wife (me) because I was so exhausting. Oh, shoot, did you guys remember to add that opt out part to your vows? Nevermind, I’m sure your new bride will fail at something minor so you can leave her. Anyways, thankfully after we had our kids and I weighed 15 lbs more than before you got rid of my very subpar self and found this stunner. Her body will never gain weight or age, so once again, totally #worthit. And yes, after trying and exhausting yourself dealing with my suckyself for the the VERY LONG and painful 3 wedded years, you were thankfully able to offload her as well. Like gum on your shoe, yuck.

          So, to all our image-managed friends and family, I’d like to raise our glasses and toast this love-bombed lady and this narcissistic man who have joined together today spouting a bunch of nonsense about their commitment to each other. I hope they live in happily faked wedding bliss together……..until they don’t. Don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll never know it’s coming.


          • unexpectedchumpiness,
            I typed a long heartfelt response to you and it disappeared.
            I have to try to be brief in something I am so passionate about.
            YOU are a truly beautiful person.
            As a Chump who pick me danced, he stayed, ( for unhonorable reasons – pregnant wife me and small child- he lacked the guts to tell ow about the early pregnancy, my belief).
            YOU are a beautiful person, with true kindness, integrity and true love for your children, your sisters, your family.
            Your cheater possesses no good qualities. He is dirt in your rear view mirror.
            Please hold your head high, stay MIGHTY!
            One day you will find a true prince who will cherish your wonderful, loving way. I truly feel that in my heart.
            I send you love and true understanding.
            Have to stop before my reply disappears, again.

            • Damn,

              I would have loved to read your heartfelt response, but sometimes the Gods of cyberspace have other plans for our posts.

              Yesterday was a tough day. I am sorry your world fell apart because of a cheating asshole. There is some solace in hearing that even though you stayed in your marriage it still fell apart as I keep wondering “what if? what if I had figured out he was unhappy could I have fixed it? what if I just never let him go out of town that weekend? what if I had….?

              I have slowly but surely realized that I’m still valuable and wonderful. I see my other friends and family that are still married despite gaining weight, money problems, failures, tragedies, etc. They found reasons to stay vs. excuses to leave. He found excuses to leave, and honestly, they’re not even good excuses.

              His mother even told me “I don’t know that he’s going to find a better woman than you.”

              It took me a long to time to really realize that I don’t suck like he made me out to, but that he is truely a flipping idiot. All my friends agree.

              Guess my heart needs to catch up with my head.

      • There is so much attention to receive, so many wedding gifts to open, so many toasts and congratulations given. What a narc dream!
        Underneath both wedding costumes the true values lurk unspoken.

        We promise to Love things.
        We promise to Use people.

        They may be outwardly “nice” but never really kind.
        If they are ministers G-d help us all.

      • Unexpected chumpiness,

        I’m so sorry you’re going through all that when you go to weddings. I haven’t had to deal w/that yet, but I have a feeling I’m going to have at least the lump in my throat. You deserved better, but what can we do? They’re swine, and we have to try to remember that not every couple is doomed, but the swine deserve to lie in the filth.

        I’m waiting for the STBXW and her formerly married, cheating partner to get married. I wonder if it will affect me? I know they truly deserve each other. Nobody else deserves them, that’s for sure. Certainly not me, the faithful husband of 24 1/2 years, or his wife of 40 years. We deserve BETTER.

  • In sickness and in health (he didn’t bother to mention that my hospital visits for “sickness” would be when he put me there with his beatings). For richer, for poorer (oh let’s overlook the fact that he ran up over $300,000 of debt on his toys and his drink/drive accidents that chumpy me had to take on in order to get my divorce). Forsaking all others. Ha, ha, sorry. Give me a minute ha, ha …. sorry, you’ll just have to go on without me .. ha, ha, ha ….

    • Lol. The OW thinks she’s so special while her married boyfriend says how abused he is at home, the wife is so mean, etc. And then he goes home and sleeps with his unsuspecting wife. The OW is cheated on from the start and they think they have stolen such a prize. The joke is on them from the getgo.

      • Isn’t that the truth? The OW in my case had no idea that her ‘boyfriend’ was in bed with the unsuspecting ME every night. I was never so blindsided or sucker punched in my life. I thought we had a great marriage. I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. She thinks she got a real person. Hahahaha Jokes on her. She’s no more special than all the other women he’s fucked around on. Absolutely baffling that she thinks she has the platinum pussy that will change that leopard’s spots. Ha!

        • Platinum pussy! That’s great! It reminds me of a line from Richard Russo’s book The Risk Pool. It was something like, “my father said my mother thought she had the only pussy in town.” He was describing the main character’s father, a cheating, sort-of deadbeat post-World War II dad, but I really like how you applied something close to it in this scenario.

      • Actually, in my case, I had 30 years of marriage and was blindsided. But when he came back for a kibbles refill she was incensed with him that he cheated on HER! Demanding an apology and explanation ????.

        • The ho-worker OW in my case said “enjoy fucking your wife. What do i want you to do about it? Nothing. There is nothing I want you to do about it. Anyways you promised me kids”
          WTF ? She realised she was cheated on from the start for 2.5 years and doesn’t care then emotionally blackmails?? That was my final Dday. Married 10 yrs. Two kids 10 and 8. OW 15 years younger.

  • I’ve never thought about it before, but I can imagine that when my ex partner, cheating father of my daughter, eventually got married, either he crossed his fingers behind his back or simply made her say all the vows. She seems like a nice person. I happen to know, through what a third party discovered and reported to me, that he has (or at least had several years ago) “a woman in every port.”

    I know through our daughter that there was marital trouble a few years ago, and he actually had moved out, but I don’t talk to him these days, and our daughter has not heard from her father in many years, either. (Great guy, eh?) So, I don’t know if they are even still together.

    All I know is that I’m happy not to be in his orbit. He decimated me, decimated my life and my sense of self. I’ve rebuilt, and I love my current life. It’s not without its challenges, but, I have a deep faith in God, and great kids, and loving parents who are still alive. I have a husband who works his tail off for us. I have a menagerie of adorable animals who flock to me when I walk in the door. I live an honest life, full of love and laughter. Although I wish her dad would make our daughter a real part of his life, I don’t miss the condescending, entitled, narcissistic personality traits!

  • Until death do us part or until I become dissatisfied with my life and run out of other people, places and things to blame and need a scape goat for everything that’s gone wrong.

    Love honor and cherish until I discover that you have imperfections. Why should I have to settle for less? I’m entitled to the best.

    For Better and for Worse. That’s for you not me. I’m entitled to go off in pursuit of something better because I’m feeling a little down and you can’t fix it.

    • Oops. Those are the cheater vows to each other, those were the vows ex was evidently saying in his head when we got married, or perhaps that’s just the way he interpreted them later.

        • I’m sure these are the same vows my Cheater said to himself the day we married, or how he decided to interpret them later.

          Everything is up to their interpretation, the marriage, victim status, great guy image, we’re just friends, Chump, you have an active imagination, no, I’m not that kind of guy.
          We weren’t getting along…,

  • Wedding vows are fresh on my mind as yesterday was anniversary #21.

    I think he thought the vows were “FUCKING all others”…..

    I say forsaking, you say fucking, let’s call the whole thing off.

    The marriage is over but the awesome bakery that made my wedding cake is still there (Katrina Rozelle in Oakland, CA). My daughter and I went there late yesterday afternoon and had cake for dinner. We had them write “Happy UnAnniversary”
    on it. She said the day before how she and I are like a rainbow when it comes to feelings because we express all of them, and that her dad is like autumn…red and yellow….angry or pretending to be happy.
    My main thoughts yesterday were how profoundly grateful I feel that my side of the street is clean when I think of her.

    Thank you again also to the fellow chump for my Un-anniversary present, the Andre Malraux quote,

    “Man is not what he thinks he is; he is what he hides.”

    This has NEUTRALIZED the mindfuck of my “nice guy” husband who cheated, which has messed with me for almost a year. There is now peace and silence where that painful mindfuck used to be.

      • They don’t adhere to Vows. They have caveats they do not reveal unless the chump discovers them. Once the caveats are known, holy cow the rationalizations and entitlements spew forth.

    • Velvet, I am really glad you did this thing to disarm any hidden landmine waiting for you on your “UnAnniversary Day”. Good for you.

      After I read that the quote helped you, I really felt, for the first time in a long time, that my attitude might have helped someone. The quote came to me from a friend at work, when I was literally drowning in obsession over “why”.

      I was told, why does it matter what he says he is? He showed you with his actions. The secrets and the lies are WHO HE IS. Is this okay for you?

      Clearly, it’s not. It is as painful as a motherfucker, like CL says, but I can’t change who he is, no more than I can change who I am. I am caring and kind, smart and funny, loyal and loving. He isn’t. And that’s not okay.

      I hope you had Red Velvet Cake. 🙂

  • Marriage is a commitment that means today you have my heart ….
    Tomorrow when I’m on Tinder, that love may fall apart.
    I’m ready, willing, and able to do what it takes…
    Until I’m not, and I whip out a laundry list of every one of your mistakes mistakes.
    Tallied in my head are the kibbles you throw me…
    I know you’ll work hard to give me more, than the women who bone me.
    In my dreams I see you dancing and
    Giving me no strife,
    In my head you have no needs, that makes you the perfect wife!
    Today I commit to pulling the wool over your eye.
    When you discover my deception, I’ll fill your head with lies.
    The gaslighting tango we two will do, until I finally grow tired of you!

  • I, cheater, take thee, shiny and new,
    to have and to hold – all the time it suits me,
    from this day forward – for the time being, I might find better,
    for better – fuck that worse shit,
    NOT in sickness – why should I? in health – stay beautiful now!,
    for richer – I don’t do poor, you cause me any problems and I am off,
    to love and to cherish – only when it feels good, you are here for the sole purpose to make me feel good, right?
    till death – who’s talking about death? I am going to live FOREVER!
    and I pledge myself to you until such time as I don’t.


    • Yes Patsy.

      However, I sure that if he had lived to marry Susan of Seattle, their vows would include

      “To perform whatever mental gymnastics are needed so that we can blissfully blame Uni for every problem we have even long after she is out of our lives”. If your STBX ever marries again, Im sure that clause will be in his vows.

  • My STBXH (next court date 10-23-18) I know plans to marry his coworker AP, who is also married right now still (I found the love letters talking about marriage). He treats me like I’m garbage (married 15 years, 2 kids) and that he is SO fucking happy with his choices he can’t wait to start his new life. Two Wuv after all!
    It’s so hurtful and I need to read the archives about this this weekend. Yeah, I wouldn’t be shocked if they got married the week after the divorce is final.

    • Im sorry. My ex-wife is still seeing her married AP but STILL they are lying, lying, lying to one and all that they’re not. (I can’t figure out that part.)
      The kids on both sides are caught in the middle. His kids see proof b/c of his recklessness as hers texts come through professing her love for him while his young boy plays on his phone. Pictures of her breasts are discovered by his 11 yr old daughter – pics of breasts of a woman she sees is not her mother on her daddy’s phone – what a tool!
      It’s been a year since D-day and divorced in may. Im still a wreck…

      • Phoenix
        What a nightmare and a runaway train barreling down the track. It sounds like it all exploded on you and disintegrated at hyper speed. It’s early days still, and you will get so much better. But it’s a slow process. Hang on, you have been mighty. You deserve so much better than that.

      • Phoenix,

        Hang in there, bud. I was there, too. You feel as though you’re walking through life like a zombie, but it DOES get better. In fact, once you’re free from the daily maelstrom you will actually have days that begin to feel like a new normal without the pain.

        In the meantime be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat someone with PTSD. I also found that doing small kindnesses for others, even strangers, helped to lift my mood.

        You’re on the right path. Keep moving forward.

    • He isn’t happy, he’s high. Try to think of all that starry-eyed babbling you are forced to witness as the side-effect of his addiction. If it really were heroine, you’d understand not to be envious of it, but all kinds of myths in our society let your jackass EX frame his narcissistic abuse as “happiness.”

      I hope his high collapses quickly, but even more, I hope you begin to have some “meh” in your life so that you just don’t care if he’s gleeful or depressed about his terrible choices. I’ve spent my own hours lost in the CL archives–they are a godsend when we need to see maps for ways out and reinforcement of our own self-esteem and character.

  • My ex is getting remarried. He’s a serial cheater. I have reason to believe he’s cheated on new woman as well (I discovered he was cheating on her in my post divorce, but still stalking stage. I was still a chump then. Thank you Jesus and CLN for pulling me out of that place and bringing me to the land of “Meh, it’s not my problem anymore”. 🙂

    He says new woman knows of his “demons”. By demons he must be referring to the dozen or so women he duped into believing he was a victim just so he could enjoy cake.
    What woman would marry this? Who would willingly enter into a relationship with a KNOWN SERIAL CHEATER? What kind of life is that?

    “I promise to love you…. and all your other girlfriends”
    “I vow to be a faithful wife to you….. and to your hidden personalities I won’t uncover for years.”
    “I vow to be your faithful husband….but only when we are in the same room together. All the other times I’ll do who and what I want”
    “I will cherish you….as long as you give me cake and pick me dance everyday”

    • That last: I will cherish you until you stumble in your dance because I failed to lead (communicate what I wanted).

    • It is like the women who date Tiger Woods…why in HELL would anyone want that nastiness? (OK, there is money, but NOT WORTH IT!!)

      • There are plenty of women who could give a shit if someone is a major douche bag cheater as long as the guy has money. They don’t have souls either.

    • She probably thinks he has changed. That things will be ‘different’ with her. He’s probably treating her like a princess, lying to her face & she can’t fathom the possibility that he would do that to her. Plus, I’m sure these demons he has are everyone else’s fault – so what little he has shared has only been to garner sympathy and paint him as a victim of circumstance.

      They are master manipulators – I’d be shocked if she has all the facts right now.

      • Sister wives! Apparently, according to our (useless) first therapist, Mr. Magoo believed he was polyamorous/polygamous. He was informed by the therapist that all members of such relationships are aware of the others. Mr. Magoo skipped the part where he told ME that WE had a polygamous relationship with POS OW and that they had “married” a decade ago, while he and I were married (30+ years at that point). Believe me, I would never have willingly entered into a relationship that included her or any sharing of him. Unfortunately, she was more than happy to share with me (her STDS, that is).
        I only regret that his secret “marriage” ceremony with her didn’t turn into the Red Wedding, wiping out both them and the gang of shit heels that were in attendance.

  • No vows for my ex – his Facebook status is divorced!
    They’ve been fucking for at least 15 years. He’s divorced for 5 years. We were married for 30 years.
    That must be lovely for OW. She’s never been married and she doesn’t even rate an “in a relationship” status!

    • Maybe she’ll get the “in a relationship” status with the one of the other side guys she probably has… she can only dream. hahaha

  • This is great! My ex marries his cheater partner next week. I saw one of the wedding invitations and the purple and pink lacy thing actually asked people to join them as they began their happily ever after. So here’s my take…
    “As we begin our lives based on the foundation of having stolen somebody else’s Once Upon a Time, I promise to love, honor and cherish you when it’s convenient for the sake of my own reputation and the ability to sleep through the night without you hounding me for being an ass.”
    Her version better damn well go something like this…
    “I think back to that day that I determined I would claim you as my husband even though we were both in long-term marriages with six children between us. I’m grateful for this chance to stand here with you publicly and claim you as my own, just like I did when I called up your then-wife and told her that I intended to marry you someday because I was the better woman.”

    • “Better woman…” ???? No, not a truth at all. When X married his AP I actually laughed. Nothing says I made a mistake better than a quick marriage. Karma right there folks! It just goes to show you that Cheaters lack character when their choices seem always to be “let’s do whatever feels good.” I imagine their union to be one of doubt, especially after “new” wears off, and-bonus!-they both know they are capable of cheating (and with great skill) when life hands them challenges. I can’t even imagine the vows they came up with to gloss over that fact!

    • The shit storm they are setting up for themselves! LOL!!! I like to look a little farther ahead. Al these people who will attend? The Switzerlands from down the block. The 2nd wave of new family and friends whom were privy to the beginning of the abomination. What will they think or say to each other about the very likely demise of this new union? What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on many walls. Not to figure it out. Just for PURE entertainment value.

      • Leonidis, I laughed imagining the list of attendees and well wishers. The Switzerlands from down the street, I have several of those who have taken it upon themselves to inform me they’ve never seen Cheater happier.

        The 2nd wave of new family and friends whom were privy to the beginning of the abomination, offering support, “yes, you deserve to be happy Cheater.”
        Welcome to the family,
        We never did like Chump ( if it wasn’t for me none of you would have received a birthday card for the last 25 years).

  • I promise that you are the love of my life, my soul mate. I’ve said this vow every time I’ve been married, and I mean it for sure.

    The buzzing in the congregation is from everyone wondering where the vow taker will be buried. Because several soul mate plots have been fully paid for by the various suckers up there at various times.

    One of mil weddings involved her in a red floor length ball gown (strip mall purchase, possibly from a Halloween costume pop up store) and she told me to buy her black satin sheets as a gift. I thought that was gross and was told I just didn’t want her to be happy and to shut up. Because love needs black satin sheets. That soul mate died before 55 from morning sex after 18 months of no sex, which resulted in much widow caterwauling but have no fear, his death enabled her to reconnect with the love of her life, who had just made a ton of money. But it’s ok because he was the real love of her life, not dead guy. So it’s good!

  • “I, AP, promise to never check up on you or ask any serious questions, to do all I can to be a fantasy object including change myself a lot in an attempt to provide you novelty, and to bow out gracefully and give you all my money and everything that matters in my life without argument when you are ready to trade me in for a younger model.”

    “I, Cheater, promise to accept all of that and use it to my advantage at every opportunity because I am entitled to it because I am just that awesome. I also promise to keep it subtle when I disappear from our reception for 10 minutes to bang that bridesmaid/groomsman – because at 2 minutes’ walk each way to the broom closet plus 1 minute each to get my clothes off and on, the rest of the job will only take four minutes. That’s just how I roll. See you at the cake. Ha.”

  • I sucked your shlong, and that was wrong,
    (Your wife says so, I think)
    ‘Til death do us part (or a change of heart)
    I hope we aren’t jinxed.
    Our kids’ll adjust
    And our parents (they must!)
    Cause TWU WUV is real, don’t you know?
    With this kiss, I thee wed
    In a car or a bed
    Off into the sunset we go!
    It’s ok that we lie,
    It’s so worth it, MY guy
    No matter who thinks it’s fake!
    Leave your wife in our wake
    She’s yesterday’s cake
    (Gee, I hope this is not a mistake)

  • Don’t worry about your cheater and their AP, they’ll be “happy” together……… least until they’re not so “happy”……………and when they’re not so “happy” — they need to sleep with other people. Or at least that’s what I gathered from my ex’s gibberish.

    In any case, just be “happy” that you’re no longer involved.

  • Well, since they were both lying their butts off, both users looking for the next sugar momma/daddy, my guess it was whatever line of bullshit that they think would work to extract as much value as possible.

  • We will stick it out until it’s hard. Then we will sneak, lie and cheat because you made me do it.

    But we’ll always have herpes together!

  • I do not think Mr. Sparkles will get married again UNLESS there is major money/inheritance in it for him. His current GF co-signed a $315K mortgage with him without a “ring”… so why put out his own money for jewelry or churches or vows. He’s already got what he needed – a co-signer.

    I would offer these as his vows to himself as he is truly a disordered fuckwit:

    I, Mr. Sparkles…

    – vow to pathologically lie to anyone who will listen until death I do part.

    – vow to go deeper underground every time I get caught with a personal ad online, even if it means digging all the way to China.

    – vow to continue to slander all my Exes as “crazy, angry, and bitter” so that my current flame feels special by comparison and also stays away from any contact with them.

    – vow to do everything I can to make sure my children don’t have lives more successful than my own, after all, no one is a great as me.

    – vow to never be faithful.

    – vow to never look back at all the damage I have caused and take honest and adult responsibility for it.

    – vow to never let you find my burner phones, passcodes, and secret bank accounts.

    – vow to discard you when I find someone better or get bored, I always land on my feet.

    – vow never to change.

    • I doubt the X will marry again but if he did, these vows would be his too. Well maybe include

      -vow to put my sinister sister before you, because no woman will ever compare to her, not even you.

      – vow to never put you first on my priorities unless I need or want someone from you. I will throw extra kibbles for time to time to keep you in line.

    • Your description of Mr. Sparkles, is like reading about Mr. Integrity…, especially the vow to do everything to make sure his children don’t have more successful lives than his.
      I find his lack of interest inour son particularly disturbing…

  • Thanks for posting my piece Chumplady.

    My brother nailed it when I told him about the cheater wedding. “Well, they no one else to blame now but each other”. That sticks with me, they no longer have a “negative” or “crazy” ex that had been holding them back.

    Let the Narcissist battles begin!!!

  • I’ll just leave this here…

    [Said during argument after catching him cheating for the zillionth time, had his bags packed and ready to throw him out the instant he got home. He plopped his ass on the couch and wouldn’t budge]
    Him: “I’m not leaving, this is my apartment, too! My name is on the lease!”
    Me “yeah? Well your name was also on our marriage certificate! Gtfo!”

    • Perfect comeback. I dearly hope he had a big enough scrap of conscience for that to make him squirm and leave.

      • Well, he did also drop the following
        “You had sexual conversations with this woman right from the start”
        “I just thought I’m being honest with her. I just said I’m sexually aroused by her perfume in the workplace! Is that not being a good, honest person?”
        “Well, no. Seeing as you denied anything and everything for months when i ever asked you about it. So no, you’re not a good and honest person. You weren’t that with your spouse.”

        I still hung on for 2 more months…and then i was done. But I’m still glad i threw that line in his face!????????

  • They tend to believe each other’s bullshit so it could be almost anything. Anything but the truth, naturally.

    My guess would be, a line designed to extract the most value from the most people. Wedding kibbles!

    In my case, since they were both sociopathic users in it for the con, OW dumped cheater ex before they got that far. She told him to his face he wasn’t making enough money to suit her. I am sure his widdle feelings were hurt. But of course, it was my fault, bitch that I am. I stole his chance at happiness by making him quit a good, well paying job to get a job as a janitor because I selfishly expected child support, and he wanted to pay the bare minimum.

    OW was screwing her way through AA looking for the most lucrative AP so she could live in the style she would like to become accustomed to. He was looking for a better monied host too.

    Yep, tru luv!

    • “I stole his chance at happiness by making him quit a good, well paying job to get a job as a janitor because I selfishly expected child support, and he wanted to pay the bare minimum”

      You mean real life consequences and having to adult stole a piece of his happiness? Oh, the poor baby! (In the voice of a two year old) “No adulting! No! No! You’re a meanie!” My apologies to all two year olds…they’re more adult than he is, they don’t deserve the comparison…

  • I, Mr. Wonderful (who is sorely missed by everyone who ever loved me.) Take you. My current distraction (until I get a fresh one. ) to be my lawfully wedded wife ( although I dont follow laws).
    I promise to make you feel loved, honored and cherished (until I think you’re sufficiently hoodwinked )
    I expect you to love honor and obey. (And also dont ask to many questions or call me out on my ish)
    Until death do us part (or until you wont stop crying about my bad behavior and I have to discard you).
    A Man.

  • Cheater pants did me irreconcilable dirt as my fiancee, so no vows were ever publically exchanged, but she did go on to marry a few guys (and divorced every one). I’m guessing she finally decided that making public vows was not necessarilly binding in her world, so she remains single today, 50 yrs later. No telling how many men friends she had as live-ins throughout that time frame, but I’m guessing it was plenty. How sad to have lived your life with zero character and no sense of honor.

  • Cheater Wedding Vows:

    Assholio: “Dearest Bar Slut (what was your name again?), as I look into your feverish eyes (probably STD related), I am reminded of all the raunchy sex in cheap hotel rooms, paid for by the federal government with taxpayer money. And while you stepped out onto the balcony to chain smoke (I do so love that about you), I called my unsuspecting wife and kids and pretended to be lonely. But I digress, which I often do because I love to talk about myself. Anyhoo, I promise to continue to impress you with cheap cheesy jewelry, big houses and expensive sports cars as I try to overcompensate for my humble upbringing that I still hold a grudge against my parents for. Damn them for having five kids in a split-level ranch! Oops, anyway, I promise to over-exaggerate my health issues so you feel sorry for me and won’t leave me. I vow to stay with you as long as you worship me like a rock star and don’t demand any attention for yourself. You will also need to provide sex as much as I want, with no expectation of reciprocation. And if you grow resentful of this arrangement like the previous wife, I vow to take off my wedding ring and start looking for a replacement. But my penis loves you right now, so let’s get down to it!”

    Bar Slut: “Dearest Assholio, even with your thinning hair and growing paunch, you look good for a middle-aged man. However, I know you’re rotten on the inside, and that’s how I like my men! I vow to text you as many slutty pics as you can handle because I lost my job and have plenty of time to lie around, chain smoke, and spend your money on cheap lingerie. I promise to worship you and stroke your giant ego as long as you can hold my attention. When I get bored (and that will be pretty quickly ‘cause I have a short attention span), I’ll be trolling for a bigger, richer fish. But don’t worry, I won’t leave you until I’ve got another one firmly on the line (God forbid I’d have to get a job again). And don’t worry about the effect of the revolving door of men on my young daughter, because I certainly don’t give a crap. And that restraining order I have against me? Pay it no mind, just a jealous coworker who was disgruntled that I stole her man. It’s not my fault that I compulsively throw myself at married men. I tried medication for it, but too many side-effects… Anyway, you will also need to support my menagerie of animals that I collect and then get bored with. Are you sensing a theme here? I can’t wait to begin this wondrous journey of anal exploration with you, sweet cheating bastard…”

    • This is good. The exaggerated illnesses for sympathy, the animals that they get bored with…….the shallowness overall.

      • Sausalito, the exaggerated illnesses for sympathy and attention, couldn’t help but burst out laughing remembering all his “illnesses” dramatic grimaces and forlorn looks, as if he was on death’s door.
        If I were to get sick, he had the same illness but much worse. He’s the only man I know who experienced the same or worse pregnancy symptoms as I did including Braxton hicks.
        What an idiot…,

  • They just do normal vows. Listeners will likely chuckle to themselves when they hear the vows “to honor and be faithful” but cheaters won’t care because they are disordered and self centered. Or, listeners won’t chuckle because many times cheaters have lots cheater friends as in my case. Good people don’t want to attend weddings of people who destroy lives for their own selfish interests.

    My ex sociopath always plowed through the negative stuff people said about him. He just wouldn’t let it affect him.

    • Actually, if Ex and Schmoopie get married it will probably just be in front of a judge. Ex knows there would otherwise be people watching who would not approve and the idea of anybody thinking disapproving thoughts about him would make his skin crawl. Then there is his likely reluctance to tie his finances to a woman with five children who lives off child support and alimony which may keep him from wanting to marry at all. All of that could change if Schmoopie lays down an ultimatum, but he might choose to call her bluff on that instead. She won’t dump him for more than a day or two because who else is going to want her long term?

    • People chuckled at my cousin’s wedding (she’s not a cheater). She promised to listen to her husband and people thought that was funny. But, I think she’s gotten a little more mature as she’s gotten older so maybe she’ll learn to talk less and listen more.

  • I promise to treat you right from now to the end of this wedding ceremony. I might make it to after the wedding reception but only because a lot of people are watching. Tomorrow, I will finally resume my real identity as a morose, porn-addicted man with mommy issues. It’s been a long haul keeping the act up for so long but don’t worry I will make you pay for it.

  • As long as you are financially helpful to my ongoing whims and fancies.

    As long as you enthusiastically appreciate my rare specialness.

    Till you call me out on my lies and me first attitude.

    Till you object to my callous, mean spirited treatment of others who stand in my way.

  • Well, this made me wonder (again) what vows Mr. Magoo and POS OW neighbor exchanged when they “married” each other. Rings, exchange of vows in front of her family and friends. Followed by a celebration of the marriage and anniversaries, year after year. Who does this? And what kind of disordered freaks “celebrate” this? I’m not just referring to the two absolute shit heels that go behind someone’s back like that. I am also referring to the attendees. They ALL knew what was going on. This was about 10 years ago and I was completely unaware that he was fucking her, let alone married to her. Cause I was still married to him and totally in the dark about all his betrayals. SHE was fully aware that he and I were married. When SHE told me right before Christmas last year that THEY were married, the only thing Mr. Magoo said was “but we didn’t go to the Justice of the Peace!”. Uh, maybe because you can’t get a marriage license if you are ALREADY MARRIED, dumb-ass. This is one of the many things that I wish I could unknow.

      • @Chumpinrecovery, cultish, yep sounds about right. I never knew that there were so many people with no sense of honor or values before this. Her kids knew, the kids’ friends and spouses knew, her other relatives and friends, even her ex-husband knew that Mr. Magoo was married. At least 40 people that I know and had met over the years. No one told me anything. And I wasn’t hard to find, as we lived across the street from her. They all knew me, I was the neighborhood grandma and I was expected to be there for her kids and grandkids when they got home from school and she (and Mr. Magoo) were out gallivanting.
        @Traffic_Spiral Ashamed to say that I have not (yet) filed and we still live together. Not in the same house that we lived in for 30 years, and where we raised our three children and welcomed in our four grandchildren. After DDay number ???, I couldn’t stay in the house where he fucked her while I was either at work or out of town for work. I could MAYBE have forgiven him for the fucking, but to bring her into MY house and MY bed AND “marry” her? Not forgivable. Just getting my ducks in a row and biding my time to make sure that this new place is in my name only, something he promised to do once the title has been released by the lender. And I need him to pay for new plumbing and sign off on the post-nup he also promised as part of his “amends”. Plumbing is going in next month and the title should be released by then as well. Maybe a cheater-free Christmas? It would be the first holiday he wouldn’t ruin with his entitled, churlish behavior.

  • They don’t keep promises, but these basic ones cover it:
    I promise to wreck your life until someone better or worse comes along. In good times and bad, I will let you down.

  • Whoopey – My turn my turn: I promise to allow you to coddle me, suck my dick, and be overly concerned about my happiness until I find another sucker. I will always be available for spending your money and playing my guitar. With this ring I do now quit my job and retire to the couch where I will drink beer and watch football. At half time, I will happily accept a blow job and nachos. Oh right let’s sign a prenup so you don’t get any of my ex wife’s money from the divorce but all your assets we will split when I find my two luv

  • The unholy union of happy cheaters is my fear. I want my wife’s emotional and intellectual void to persist and the other guy to be made just as miserable as I was (and to lose 12 years of his life as well).

    Mine would vow to love him “until I needed an attention boost and got a little too drunk and touchy feely with a (new, different) coworker and attached to him for the brain chemicals that automatically drive every stupid, unreflected upon decision I make, and then you’ll essentially be dead to me anyway, and I will treat you as such until you kindly fuck off, out of my life forever, also I will block you on everything to hide my shameful act.” Something like that I imagine.

  • Ugly comment during the Pick Me dance, pre-D-day, as he explained why he didn’t want to work on the marriage in counseling:

    “Well you mostly wrote our wedding vows, so they just didn’t mean as much to me.”

    A) Untrue, he’s rewriting history. We developed them together.

    B) Regardless, what the heck????

    • These such comments are good for reminding yourself they suck when you have those unwanted missing-them feelings.

      • Yes… I got ‘I can’t wait to move out so I can have a life.’ I had to leave the room – so 23 years and 3 children wasn’t a life? He ran after me to insist he didn’t mean it and Chumpy me agreed. Non-Chumpy me filed yesterday and that phrase is one of my ‘trust that he sucks’ go-tos.

        • I heard, “I wanted someone I have more in common with” 20 years of marriage, a child, my sacrificing my career for “our” career.

          He wanted someone he had more in common with, she liked watching South Park and so does he, there you go!

  • “With all thy worldly goods I me endow. But my sh*t I will keep for myself.”

    She honestly thought that she could rob me blind for years, keep everything that she decided was “her’s” and then come back for half of what we had left. And help herself to the kids’ savings accounts while she was at it.

    F*ck her.

    • Sounds just like FucktardX. He inherited 60k after his parents died, then put it into our first home (commingling assets) then kept pulling out equity, he was never happy with what we had even making good money. We sold home for a small profit to purchase land to build our dream home. Two years of hard work, then he immediately refinanced that home and property, not once but twice in four years, the last at the same time he started getting really creative with our other accounts. Amid typical cheater behavior, which I explained away as job stress…. ????During our divorce he actually wanted to refinance again, thankfully the market had tanked in CA and I was scrambling to pay the bills and support my kids (two now in college). He went on to steal money from our two youngest, purchased a brand new car a month after Dday (and separation) for our eldest, a junior in college, and then threatened to fuck her over financially during the divorce negotiations. Because schmoops lived out of state he spent all his money on flights while disregarding joint financial obligations and allowing our mortgage to lapse…. By the time he left, 28 years together, he had his sports crap, some guns, his 33K truck, and his miscellaneous personal belongings. Nothing else. He didn’t want any of our pets (we had several at the time), nor our children. He told his crap friends that he just wasn’t “at that place in his life” anymore…What a fucking loser.

      • Loser is not the word I’d use; I’d go a much stronger form of Anglo-Saxon. I’m now 3 1/2 years on from D Day (and nearly 18 months on from the divorce being finalised) and cleared the last of the debts I incurred 3 weeks ago.

        It feels great. The kids and I are in good shape and I never have to see her a** getting out of the shower ever again – unlike her AP, who she now lives with.

        I actually feel sorry for him!

  • Can we all just call a cheater wedding what it is-
    an image management festival? Maybe it would be more effective to just set up booths and pass out tote bags.
    As for the vows, I hear the sound of the hyperspeed legal disclaimer voice at the end of some radio commercial. (*Some restrictions may apply, see past marriages for details).

  • I don’t know about vows, but what I have learned is that the most appropriate way for cheaters to be joined in matrimony is for them to have the blessing of a cheater celebrant. I know one personally, unfortunately.

    Before Snakeface embraced Lakota spirituality (along with Spiritual Slut), he went to seminary for a few years, so he has that veneer that makes people think he’s, well, spiritual. That was probably why one of his cousins approached him about officiating at his wedding about ten years ago, since cousin wasn’t deeply religious and his fiancee was a spiritual seeker. So, Snakeface got licensed online to perform marriages, and he’s officiated at 1-2 a year since then, for co-workers and friends.

    I’m pretty sure Snakeface and Spiritual Slut had been deep into their relationship for awhile when he officiated at his cousin’s ceremony, and when I heard about that, and about every other wedding after that he was asked to perform, I was nauseated by the irony of a man who was shitting all over his own marriage being asked to unite other couples and bless their love. I attended the cousin’s wedding, but I was, of course, not invited to any of the others. Given the fact that most, if not all, of the couples he married had some connection to him through the workplace where he and Spiritual Slut are both employed, or through their Lakota community, most of them must have had some idea of the illicit relationship he was involved in.

    The last wedding that I heard about, was a doozy. CroneSlut, Spiritual Slut’s older sister and also a close friend to Snakeface, had her own affair, overlapping with theirs, a few years back. Snakeface officiated at the wedding of CroneSlut and Affair Partner, PhD last fall. It’s a pity that none of them were apparently served a nice slice of karma along with the wedding cake.

    • I’m kinda dying over ‘CroneSlut’ !! lol
      I feel like I know this person.

      That sounds like a total shit show.

      • Oh, nonononono – not a “shit show”, it would have been an “Image Management Festival”, as Chumptastic Voyage, in the post above mine, so brilliantly dubbed all such events!

        Glad you like “CroneSlut”, though! It seemed to fit. She embraced the “crone” title and role for feminist reasons, honoring the wisdom of the older woman, an ideal I share and respect. She also had a gift for hospitality, and I used to like her in spite of her support of the “friendship” between Snakeface and Spiritual Slut. Respect came to a screeching halt when I found out about her affair. I knew a limited amount about CroneSlut’s marriage, but most of what I knew, SHE told me. Her former husband agreed to move to the country to make HER happy, so she could live out HER dream of organic farming, creating homeopathic medicines, jewelry making – the hippie dream. Selfishness seems to be in the DNA.

    • Ouch, oldcrone is my screen name. I take being a crone as a positive – an old woman who keeps the traditions of the family alive, is wise (not wise enough in my case, but I will get there) and who is a protective figure. Croneslut doesn’t sound like she has any of those qualities.

      • Aww. I saw a snippet of a documentary about a ‘Croning’ ceremony – when you describe it the way you just did, I actually understand it and the different use of the term much more clearly.

        Cheers to keeping the Crone name honorable! I’m sure you’re doing the next justice = )

      • She did until she didn’t…. I feel for you, too. You might be interested in my reply to “It Ain’t Me” above. Keep the honorable Crone spirit alive, but may Baba Yaga whack Croneslut with the stick of her broom!

      • Qualities? She had them until she didn’t. I feel for you. If you haven’t caught it yet, you might be interested in my reply to It Ain’t Me above. So, keep the excellent qualities you described alive, and may the Baba Yaga beat CroneSlut with her broom stick!

        (This is second try at posting – sorry if it’s a repeat post!)

    • Snakeface!

      Spiritual Slut!

      Crone Slut!

      This is a mini-series and you need to get it produced and cash in on the insanity.

  • Oh! This is rich! As my cheater XH tromps down the aisle for the SEVENTH time with his Twu Luv because this is a man who takes wedding vows seriously. Bwahahaha (he told me I was his second wife when we got marrried…I was his fifth and he cheated on all the priors. Then when I nursed him through a terrible illness he insisted we renew our wedding vows on our anniversary so I could catch him fucking slut puppet in the Econo Lodge five months later…but I digress)
    Back to the wedding vows:

    ‘I promise to love and cherish you until the next snatch turns my head because I just can’t resist a woman who wants to fuck me. I’ve never been true to anything or anyone in my life. I have no idea what love is and I’ll go to my grave not knowing it. I’ll throw little children away for a stolen fuck at the Econo Lodge. I’ll look you in the eye and lie my ass off while I sneak off to the next fuckfest. I know you think that you are ‘special’ because I’ve told you that but you are the biggest fool on earth if you believe that. I’m a liar, a cheat and a thief. Til’ the next fuck comes along do us part.’

    • #whenyouneedtodobackgroundchecksonpotentialspouses



      Christ! How did he hid the other give wives ( who no doubt were happy to be rid of him as you are)?

  • “I vow to desperately and continuously check your phone, clothing, and car for any signs of cheating so that we may both enjoy the paranoia of our unfaithful tendencies in matrimony.”

    May we enjoy the darkness together, Amen.

    • Good one Zell. You know that’s what cheaters will always do. No such thing as trust between them. I always said that my cheater X and schmoopie made a perfect pair. He was the kind of guy who would cheat on his wife and she was the kind of gal who would fuck a married man. No honor among lying, cheating thieves.

  • Actually heard this one between two cheaters, one of which was having an off and on affair with my stbx, one of two good ‘friends’ who had sex with him, great gals:

    “As long as we both shall love…….”

    Please say that in a soft, wispy voice. The ‘lub’ lasted for about a year, just long enough for the male in the pair to transfer his sizable debt unto his new wife unit. Ah karma…..

    • Ha! I guess that is a little more honest. They were giving themselves an out without having to break promises again.

  • “I take you in marriage, and solemnly promise to pay for the medical treatment for any STDs that I give you, ….”

  • “Do you take this … uh … person to be your cutesy-wootsey sweetie pie?”

    “Oh, yeah, Baby. I doooooooo.”

    “Oh! Oh! Oh! I do, tooooooooo!!!!!!”

    “I now pronounce you ‘Lord and Lady Douchebag’.”

  • Currently wondering: Why do these types even bother getting married in the first place?

    -You can pass your filthy privates around to anybody you want.(those privates were VERY public, ha!)

    -You don’t have anybody telling you to be responsible with money, alcohol, people, the internet, feelings, etc.

    -You don’t have someone awkwardly sitting in at family gatherings, wondering why they don’t fit in with any of the other dirt bags you’re related to (I now realize that being ostracized was a gift!).

    WHY oh WHY get married?! Isn’t it more comfortable to do your dirt without having to watch your back? This stuff started during our courtship! This animal smiled, lied and for all intents and purposes, tricked me into getting married (if I had all the info there was nooo way I would have done it). I can’t help feeling like the very act of getting married when you’re a lying cheat is pure selfishness. Just stay single.
    Getting married after you’re a proven, verified cheat just seems even more…I dunno, pointless?

    • 1) Image management: marriage is the great social Seal of Approval.

      2) Finances – opportunity to transfer debt, rob rich partner blind, acquire roof over head, etc.

      That’s it, really.

      The secret to really happy singlehood for a Chump is the mirror image: stop looking for the Seal of Approval and just do what’s right, and make sure you can provide for yourself.

    • Amen! I also wonder why people who are into polyamory bother to marry. Why have an open marriage when you can just have a girlfriend/boyfriend that you can trade in whenever you want? But, I guess they want the social benefits of being married.

      • Now THAT is mind boggling. But you’re right, I feel like I read somewhere that people with wedding rings are seen as more honest..

        *Cue chump laugh track = )

  • I will lovebomb you (except when I have sadz or anger) and care for me
    Cherish others and respect no one

    Unilateral adaption of the original script because … entitled

  • The simple answer is the vows would be exactly the same with one addition appended:

    “…until something better comes along.”

  • “I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband” (So I can get tax advantages/somebody to look after my spawn when it is my weekend/so I can have a convenient person to blame)

    “For richer or poorer” (mostly richer, so I can drain the accounts and make you poorer)

    “In sickness and in health” (Unless you get really sick. But you had better look after ME. Because vows. Oh, and don’t gain weight. That right there along is grounds for cheating.)

    “Keeping myself only unto you” (What does that even MEAN? I don’t read it as being faithful. Not at all)

    “Until death do us part” (…or until somebody I find interesting (i.e. wants to have sex with me) comes along)

  • My x told everyone there is no reason he would marry the ow. That poor idiot has no idea the ow has other plans.That is what she does. Break up family. Marry village idiot. Divorce village idiot. Take idiots money. Repeat.

  • “ Many narcissist-fueled crimes against truth and empathy were committed that are all too familiar to this blog’s readers…… conveniently oblivious to the path of destruction they left… Benevolent narcissists who are masters at blameshifting, martyrdom, and image management “

    Wow do you have a way with words… gee if only us chumps weren’t so bitter about it all, right?

    Anyway, vows: “I promise to love, honor and cherish until I get bored and I meet someone new and exciting. I promise to value my own immediate happiness as the holiest of priorities. “

  • “For as long as we both shall love.” Oh wait, did you ask me to say “live?” “for as long as we both shall live?”

    The reality that bites is that we made the same vows, …”to forsake all others until death parts us.” Followed closely behind by…”based upon the vows you have taken in the sight of God and these witnesses…” How many witnesses have asked us “how are you doing in keeping your part of your wedding vows?” The answer is likely zero. Is God really going to ask us that same question that He’s going to ask the cheater? yes, He is.

  • Mine did not succeed in getting her true love/soulmate. Would have been a shit show if he had of joined in! Truth is at the time it would have hurt, but in the end, it would have been fun to watch from a distance! Who knows what vows they would have used? But happily ever after? Nope!

  • Cheater vows should end with “until something better comes along.”

    for my X, it should be, “until someone younger comes along.”

  • Xh – wedding vows …….. “I don’t remember” the ones you heard but i chose the vows to love and cherish ME and only ME.

    Xh – D-day …… I “can’t file for divorce because I DON”T have grounds.

    Xh – Free at last, YOU would never have forgiven me or moved on anyway (3 decades later)

    Me ………………… Leave a cheater, Gain a Life! In the land of MEH 3 yrs …. I’d NEVER pick him again

  • I promise to never treat my chronic depression or alcoholism I promise to blame you for every failure and disappointment in my life I promise to continually tell you you are an albatross around our families neck because you do not work even though you’re a stay-at-home mom and work a part-time job I promise to constantly tell you you have mental illness and then convince you that you must take drugs that make you want to die I promise to constantly ask you if you love me or tell you that you don’t love me I promise to sit around for 20 years Holding Onto You because I don’t think I can do any better and when I get the chance I promise to someone on Tinder and move in with her after 3 days I promise to leave the children by moving 3 hours away all the while berating you as a lousy parent and co-parent will continuously threatening to take you back to Family Court I promise to leave you in poverty well I become Disney dad when I choose to see the children I promise do not create a parenting time schedule so you can move on with your life and know when you have free time to plan a life but most of all I promise to portray myself as an abused man to anyone and everyone who will listen trashing your reputation is what I will live for

  • The vows dont change. They just cross their fingers or toes when they say them. Just like the kids they are.

  • Asshat and Hoho married 6 months after her divorce was final. I imagine it went a little like this:

    Asshat: I PLOMISE to provide health insurance (you know, STI’s), pop blue pills to keep it up, make my Tinder profile private (well, you won’t be able to see it) and declare our marriage open (my former wife refused to grant me this). I plomise to spend the night with you but only when I have custody of my children (you know, image management, I don’t have to pay child support) and will buy you the house you want because I can’t make any decisions.

    Hoho: I PLOMISE to stop looking for a job so you can be my Sugar Daddy (your previous wife refused to let you earn more than her) and will only have my “clients” over when you are at work and when your children aren’t here (but don’t worry, I’m really only painting nails). I plomise to ignore your children (because your horrible ex wife won’t just keep them all the time without expecting child support) as long as they do everything I want. I plomise to have an open marriage (we both cheated in our previous marriages so I know we can’t change) and I’ll make sure other men keep me satisfied since I know you can’t keep it up (I know it’s not risky and exciting to fuck me anymore because we don’t have to hide it from our spouses). Most of all, I plomise to spend all of your life insurance money on myself (I’ll forget all about your don’t pesky tweens).

  • I promise to try real hard to forsake all others, unless it’s just too hard.
    I promise to try real hard love you in sickness and in health, unless I have a good reason I can conjure up not too.
    I promise to love only you, with God and all these people as my witnesses, unless I find even twuer wuv elsewhere along the way, or unless I am just too embarrassed to act on that truer wav, thereby just hating you for making me be stuck with you. You know it is your fault right?!?
    I promise I have no idea what a promise is.

  • “Dear friends, I have ” always and forever” tattooed in Elvish on my arm s symbol of love for this woman, Miss 1999,and it encapsulates our love in so many ways. Firstly, elves are a race of superior know it alls who think they are going to be young forever,and secondly-they are mythical.Like unicorns.I vow to be true until I get another tattoo that I like better.”
    “I, Miss 1999, take this man, who I first met when I was 16 and he was 25 ( and in a relationship,cough), not creepy at all, and I’VE WON, suck on that bitches, he must love me more than any of you and our love will last for…are you texting? You’re texting now? Who are you texting? Give me your phone!!Give me your f%$@(*king phone!”

  • Fucktard: I vow to be your husband for as long as you act as a mirror to my ego and reflect nothing back but youth, beauty and worship.

    CFMD: I vow to cling unto you as I clung onto my ex husband…with suicide threats, bloody pictures sent through text messaging, unbridled rage at the thought you may leave me and of course alienating you from your children and eventually from your entire family.

    Alternately, their vows could be as simple as: WE are different. THIS is true love. NOW we know what has been missing in our very, very empty souls all this time.

    The first scenario is the truth. The second is the truth the tell themselves and maybe even believe.

    • Well, their souls are empty alright. For that, I feel sorry for them…from a safe and healthy no contact distance.

  • Can I ask a question as a childless Chump?

    The whole kids-suffering-with-the-second-wedding thing: if they are suffering that much, then why are they participating? (I assume we are talking about adult children roped into planning etc.)

    Younger kids have little or no choice because they are essential for image management and Happy Families, but your adult kids surely have free will?

    • Kids, even adult ones, love their parents. So many of us grew up in dysfunctional homes with parents who weren’t perfect, who were disengaged (addicted, alcoholic, workaholic, abusive, etc) or struggling. I thought I had done better and for a long time that was a truth, until his secrets came out. Children too are holding on to that fairy tale. We want it all. Problem is that not all people are capable of real love. Many of us had good marriages though until the truth surfaced…we trusted and loved and for a while it worked. There are people in jail who have murdered others whose children still love them. Many of our exes were and are great cons and our young adults do not have enough life experiences to know what disordered/infidelity in a marriage is. In my youth I dated several young men at once and was faithful only when X eventually proposed. It’s all a part of growing up, of learning to communicate, of weeding out those you are not compatible with and hopefully you both want the same things. Otherwise you are just trying life out and growing up. X was a great husband/father/suitor when we were younger (though like most Chumps here I did it all too well, so all he had to do was show up once in a while) and I made it clear that if he wanted to be with me he would need to make family a priority and participate. Tried my best not to repeat my own FOO issues. When the kids hit HS I believe it became harder for X to enjoy our life together. He wanted to do his own thing, all the time. He wasn’t/isn’t wired to loving others and has all the characteristics of the entitled toddler. The kids have great memories of him though right up til his double life blew us up. He volunteered in the classroom, helped coach, attended their school and extracurricular events. I do think Cheaters can blend in when it benefits them-they must know they don’t make sense-but eventually their disordered shows up. Cheaters values are skewed, and many surface when life hands out challenges. Whenever we had challenges (big or small), Cheater’s response was always to run away. And you just can’t fix that.

      • My X’s response to stress was to run away, too. If he could, he would try to avoid any high-stress situations. I could even see in his eyes that he was had absolutely no clue what to do next.

        I often wonder about the X’s disordered showing up right after his son was diagnosed with Bipolar I right after Thanksgiving last year. At that time, the X was acting like “normal”, like usual. Right after the son came home from the hospital in January, the X started acting weird. He ignored his son who went to live with mother after living with us for the past 8 years. The X didn’t want to deal with his son’s issues and the son’s personality had changed. The X didn’t know how to approach or respond to this ‘new’ son. Right after that is when the whore cheating started in February and we were on the divorce by end of April. It was all so sudden that I was left reeling and it still leaves me dumbfounded even today. My husband turned into something that I no longer knew.

        • In my case it was a series of unfortunate events, and when life threw us another he couldn’t deal. By this time though all those little red flags had been piling up, I expect he was hiding secrets for a while. Our life together was not making sense (he was mad, disengaged, then textbook Cheater Playbook stuff) even when we had everything. My son survived, a miracle, and X bounced into his new shallow life.

    • Most kids want two “normal” parents. They will put up with an unholy amount of abuse and neglect in order to maintain the belief that they are loved by both their mother and father. They will accept even the smallest gestures from a parent as love when they have been starved of regular affection or support. They will contort themselves in all kinds of ways to please a dysfunctional parent. This is a source of frustration for the healthy, loving, supportive parent who gets all the flack and whining and “growing-pains” from the kids. But, if kids know you love them, they’ll feel safe resisting you as they develop independence. If kids are insecure about a parent’s love, they’ll perform “dutiful child” in order to win the parent’s approval/love. I don’t know when anyone outgrows this–I think many people never do.

      A lot of us struggle with how to support our kids (even the adult ones) with this issue. Frankly, we tend to want our kids to be civil and respectful people, and so even if we wish a son or a daughter would skip the EX’s wedding, we don’t want them to be the sort of bitter, vengeful person who intentionally sabotages someone else’s happiness. I haven’t had to negotiate this issue yet. But I can imagine it. If my EX planned his wedding on top of a child’s high school graduation weekend (exactly the kind of thing he’d do), I’d tell my kid that they had every right to stay home and enjoy their own achievement. If he scheduled it for a random summer weekend, I’d ask my kid if they needed help planning their travel to the wedding. In both cases, however, my kid would feel like they “should” be there.

      • This is great – thanks so much.

        It answers a lot of questions for me – I’ve often stood on the outside and thought, “You keep telling me you hate your Dad and Schmoopie, so how come you’re a bridesmaid?”

  • It is never easy to see your parents split up, no matter the circumstances. But I believe most children still love their parents. Though difficult, I think even most adult children want to be there for their parents.

  • You know Chump Lady, having trolls in this picture of two cheaters marrying is offensive…to the trolls. Trolls don’t deserve that. hahaha

  • Well, I don’t want to plan the whole wedding but I can predict a couple plot points:

    The word “soul-mate” would be used excessively in the vows.

    It would be held in a church with lots of pretend religion and self-congratulatory babble about God having brought them to this together and planned this happiness for them, etc.

  • What would those vows look like? Good question chumpium. And many insightful points. Yes, they are equals; the kids are the ones who have to deal; commitment is laughable.

    With the Limited it was the opposite. He stated he’d dump her too and never remarry. The benefits of staying single are twofold. First, he gets full health and dental on my insurance. Secondly, she won’t be able to collect on her X’s social security if she remarried before a given age. Yet I’m sure the future faking bliss of union is ever present in her needy head.

    That day will come when the excuses fade with time as will his health and living off my benefits. He wrote her a poem that began with, Married but on our own..”. Touching.

    Now it’s, “If I get married I’ll lose my health benefits!” Such a man child.

    I’m sure she needs continued reassurance he’s committed. She has my old life regardless- policing a cheater, evidence seeking, never being good enough, blamed for his inadequacies, believing the lies and proving her value as her needs aren’t met.

    Desperados riding off in the sunset clinging to each other as a perfect soulless match.

  • I vow to act in a manner totally untrustworthy, and then accuse you of having “trust issues”.

    I vow to completely mind fuck you as much as you’ll allow me to.

    (Thank God I’m done!)

  • This reminds me that recently my little daughter was like “I think Daddy and ___ should really get married, because they’re grown-ups, they live together, and they even kiss! What gives?” My husband and I laughed and then I said “Who can say, babe? Who can say?” Perhaps eventually they will make their sham official and my kid will make a very cute flower girl at the wedding of two people who know about as much about commitment as she does. Haha.

    “I, ____, take you, ____, to be my awfully wedded wife, to have and to hold your money and security and emotional labor, from this day to probably at least, like, a few months from now, for better if I feel like it, for richer I sure hope, only if you don’t gain a dress size, until I tire of you like the last three women I promised to spend eternity with do us part.”

  • With the divorce rate what it is, there are MANY people remarrying and taking vows that they once took with others. One of my best friends remarried a year ago..her second, his third. Sad when their pastor even asked them why they didn’t just live together rather than get married again.

  • I, Narc Cheater take thee, Narc Cheater, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, to get drunk/high with, to be financially irresponsible with, to abandon our children in all the ways with, from this day forward, for better, for richer, in health only, to love toxically and to bond addictively, till arrest or impulse do us part repeatedly, according to an ordinance from the pit of hell; and thereto I pledge myself to you (until that jail thing happens and stuff).

  • Wow. This is really timely, as I just found out in passing that a long-ago X (the Nightmare Before BoyMan) is now married with two small kids. Now, NBBM was an overt full-tilt-boogie Cluster-B mess, and it’s unlikely that he’s changed in the past twenty years, so YIKES! I haven’t thought about him in ages until just this week, but all of your vows for a cheater wedding hit the nail on the head.

  • My X told me, after he filed for divorce from me, he had to be faithful to the OW. He has a relative who is a good friend of mine and said relative laid into him over that. Basically trying to talk sense into him. Said relative had been in his place years back and when he called the relative out on that, the relative said “That was my stupid years.” LOL

    Oh yeah, and Schmoopie may be cheating on him…with the guy she left for him…I find it amusing.

  • Perhaps we would change ‘forsaking all others’ to foreskinning all others, for the sake or accuracy.

  • I have to chime in here, because I have the unfortunate experience of knowing about two total absolute wastes of life who did unforgivable things to many people and created hurt in so many innocents. These two are so-called professionals and one was an elder at a church. (Note: I have nothing against atheists and this is not a beef on religious versus non-religious. These are nicknames given to the couple since the religious aspect causes strife and interferes with their alleged true love). When (married) Mrs. Atheist came along with her brood of young children and spied a man who made two times as much money as her husband, she took off her ring and threw it down the drain. Out of sight, out of mind. Mr. Church Elder forgot all about his own beautiful and wonderful wife and his amazing children.

    When I heard their multi-year affair had caused them both to get divorced and heard Mr. ex-church elder/divorced guy was going to marry Ms. Divorced Atheist, I wondered how that would go down.

    Also, according to Ms. Atheist it’s okay to cheat because well, she doesn’t believe in God and “those rules” don’t apply to her. She was just ensuring that she got to be with her soulmate. That’s not cheating and those rules don’t apply to HER anyways. (In her mind. In fact the way she tells it, she was a victim because her husband couldn’t buy her designer clothing. Budgets and all that — us normal folk have them, but she was too precious for budgets.)

    And so it was these two cheaters divorced their spouses and got engaged.

    But one day tragedy struck!

    Then there was a time where Mr. ex-Church Elder had second thoughts about everything he was giving up. Let me tell you, no one who knows this man understands why he gave up what he had with his first wife and family. And he started to realize that and was having second thoughts about everything he was losing. (And he truly lost a beautiful, kind, and successful woman who is a paragon of virtue. Everyone loves her and she really is that lovable. She is amazing. And he was starting to realize what he had given up…

    Well, for that, Ms. Divorced Atheist was mad, mad, mad!! She had worked 5 long years from moment she set eyes on him and decided to poach him to the moment they all divorced.

    Now he was having cold feet? But she spent all that time! Where were the designer dresses? Oh, so close and he was slipping through her fingers.

    So what did she do?

    She helped organize a feminist rally where they yelled “we don’t need those stinking men,” called all the news stations, knitted hats that looked like labia for herself and for her (very young) daughters and marched around town.

    Yes, folks. This is all real. People are so strange you cannot make this stuff up.

    But, then, something happened and it looked like the engagement was back on — could it have been the labia hats that she knitted? Could it be that she was so desirable after marching around town wearing female genitalia and declaring she didn’t need men?

    Hmm… I would imagine that sparked the fantasy in her lovers head there would be room for a threesome.

    The game was on again!

    And Ms. Divorced Atheist promptly threw away all the labia hats and moved in with Mr. ex-church elder. Because now she needed a skinkin man. I dearly hope those hats don’t end up at Goodwill. Think of the children!

    So then they planned a wedding. Thankfully we were conveniently gone for the month these two idiots tied the knot.

    I wouldn’t even know how to turn down an invitation to such a circus. Miss Manners never really wrote an article on how to decline a wedding invitation from two adulterers where one is an ex church elder and the other a labia hat knitter. Would that even be a valid question for Miss Manners?

    So what do two cheaters do to make their marriage special? Well, I can only speak for her because she made sure everyone on God’s green earth knew what she did. She wore a see through lace wedding dress slit up the side and it featured a v-neck that went almost down to her belly button. Then she had pin up photos taken and made sure everyone in her workplace, her family, and in her circle of friends had the url. And these photos are PUBLIC to this very day. Sure, such a thing might be normal for Pam Andersen and Tommy Lee circa sometime during the 90’s on a beach in Mexico. But this lady is headed straight into middle age. Maybe that’s why she is mimicking Pam Andersen. Maybe she thinks it’s still the early 90’s and she is still in her 20’s. Maybe the skanky wedding dress made the last 25 years disappear! “Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

    I have a beef with these two adulterers who got fake married. Well, technically they are married, but the thing is, the new church the guy goes to doesn’t recognize marriages born of adultery. And Mr. “I need to find a new fold of sheep to Fool” is not happy that his new Christian friends are so judgey about this whole breaking commandments thing. Also, he is not allowed to celebrate Christmas either. And he whines about this when he is at work to all of his coworkers, many who know the wife he left and side with his ex-wife. Ms. Adultery Atheist’s children don’t do Christmas. And Mr. Adultery comes to work and complains about all the Christmas’s of yore he spent with his first/aka real family and how hard it is to adjust to the ways of Ms. Atheist aka his new bride and her brood of atheist kids. Meanwhile he works around a bunch of Jews who are tuning him out and thinking about Hanukkah and it’s 8 Crazy Nights. Cue Adam Sandler and the Hanukkah song.

    So come the festive holidays this year, Mr. Adulterer will have to look through the frosted windows of happy families from NYC to San Francisco. And there will be no tree, and no presents, and no Christmas Beast in Who Town for him. And when he looks around, opens his mouth, and starts to sing “Ba Who Doray” his Grinch of a wife will have her heart that is two sizes too small shrink even further. In fact, it might shrink so far that is disappears. And Mr. Adultery will look around desperately for The Grinch, because even a Grinch’s heart can be warmed, unlike the heartless woman he married.

    For anyone who thinks I am too hard on these two, I have only told you 5% of the story. These two are almost the most heinous human beings I have met. If you knew the whole story and how many people they harmed during their shenanigans, you would hardly believe it. The things they have done to others and are continuing to do to others are unforgivable. They have gone farther than some of the nastiness d-bags on the planet. And I just can’t stand to continue to witness the very real fall out. It’s ugly — more ugly than I can share. Just take my word for it.

    And that is the Happily NEVER After story of two adulterers with large families who left their families because it was tru wuv and got married to each other.

    Somehow I feel a war of the roses coming on here…this just cannot end well.

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