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UBT: “I Don’t Understand”

Dear Chump Lady,

I have a gold mine for the UBT that deserves its moment in the sun. At the time, it was a mean attempt to get me to ask for less in the divorce settlement. Now that it is final and I’m working on my cool new life, I occasionally look at this email for some support in the trust that he sucks department. Plus, it is hilarious.

Some background: Ex made the mistake of hiring Schmoopie at work and then people who knew me told me and reported it to their bosses. It is incredible how dense he is. He truly thought that nobody would have an issue with him hiring his mistress as his secretary.

Enjoy!

CoolNewLife,

We talked a month or so ago on the phone for over an hour. You and I were in agreement on things. What happened? You said you wanted this to end in peace and as easy for both of us as possible. I don’t understand?

I am sure there are rumors flying around (hometown) about me that have changed the way you see me now. People have nothing better to do. Any rumors spread by people that work for me/ the company are going to lose their jobs, for that is insubordination and undermining their employer’s personal life. I know who the people are and they are being dealt with. Rumors are evil and of the devil as you know.

I have not said or done one negative thing towards you or your family. I have respected all your wishes. I am trying to pick up the pieces just as you are. I want nothing more than for this to end in agreement and peace. I don’t want to have to get a attorney and drag this out for months, a year, over money I don’t have. My company’s entire legal team has offered their services and support to me, but I don’t want them involved. I want this to be a quiet and an easy resolution.

Your counter offer was very shocking to me. I don’t understand what changed from that last long talk we had. You fully know I don’t have that amount of money. I would have to try and sell everything and cash in my entire retirement to come up with that much. Leaving me nothing for emergencies or if something happens to me where I can’t work. Is this what you want? To send me to the bottom?

With Love and Respect,

Douche

Dear CoolNewLife,

That’s sad. Cheater is shocked. Just shocked! That you won’t concede to his divorce demands. There he is halting an entire team of legal services (NO THROGMORTON! PUT DOWN THE SUBPOENAS!) and you want, what? The half you’re legally entitled to? THE NERVE.

Here’s the UBT’s take, you uppity, ungrateful woman.

CoolNewLife,

We talked a month or so ago on the phone for over an hour. You and I were in agreement on things. What happened?

Christ, you saw a lawyer. I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!

You said you wanted this to end in peace and as easy for both of us as possible. I don’t understand?

I just want a new secretary to fuck, and there you are involving lawyers. I fail to comprehend your hostility. She also files. And answers the phone.

I am sure there are rumors flying around (hometown) about me that have changed the way you see me now.

Fucking my mistress could never cloud your judgement of me. But rumors!

People have nothing better to do.

Perhaps they should all get secretaries.

Any rumors spread by people that work for me/ the company are going to lose their jobs, for that is insubordination and undermining their employer’s personal life.

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

I have created a hostile working environment by hiring and fucking a subordinate, but YOU SIR are speaking of it! How DARE you undermine me with truth. And innuendos of truth. And more truth. This will not stand!

I know who the people are and they are being dealt with. Rumors are evil and of the devil as you know.

Unlike fucking your secretary, which is blessed by God.

I have not said or done one negative thing towards you or your family.

If you don’t count destroying your family. But I wasn’t negative about it. #brightside

I have respected all your wishes. I am trying to pick up the pieces just as you are. I want nothing more than for this to end in agreement and peace.

I am a gentle lamb of Perestroika. I come in peace. Just a fluffy lamb, of the kind you might find in an Easter basket, or slaughtered as a sacrifice. A sad lamb who only wants the best for you.

#pickupthepieces #signthischeck

I don’t want to have to get a attorney and drag this out for months, a year, over money I don’t have. My company’s entire legal team has offered their services and support to me, but I don’t want them involved. I want this to be a quiet and an easy resolution.

Sign it NOW before I UNLEASH THE LEGAL TEAM. (Easy there, Throgmorton.)

Your counter offer was very shocking to me. I don’t understand what changed from that last long talk we had.

Did you color your hair? Get a new boyfriend? Listen to a rumor?

You fully know I don’t have that amount of money.

I’ll be goddamned if I share money. That is yours. But I feel should be mine.

I would have to try and sell everything and cash in my entire retirement to come up with that much.

And we wouldn’t want THAT! Think of ME! Sad ME! Poor ME! A destitute lamb. Alone in a pasture of landmines. Nibbling at the edges of disaster. With only a secretary and entire legal team to comfort me.

Woe.

Leaving me nothing for emergencies or if something happens to me where I can’t work. Is this what you want? To send me to the bottom?

MY WOE IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

With Love and Respect,

Douche

I neither love nor respect you. Keep being my chump!

Douche

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Hey, CN announcement! I’ve just gotten the edited version of the first chump podcast! It’s me interviewing Mr. CL about how to survive court — depositions, what to wear, how to address a judge, and most important of all — how not to lose your cool. It’ll be up on Patreon in a day or so. (I have to review the final tape. Eek.) Subscriber perk.

    To all my subscribers, I apologize it’s taken this long. But now we’re finally in a groove now that I’ve outsourced the editing and am using a sound studio. This whole two jobs thing… and life… Can someone clone me?

    Anywho — Mr. CL! He’s dreamy! Doing his lawyer hand-holding thing! (But as he will tell you — this is Not Legal Advice. Please See a Professional.)

    • Great timing – thanks mr & mrs CL. Not court but “mediation” next week with exhole over the kids . I SO need to keep my cool (“it’s about the KIDS it’s about the KIDS”) and know he will be turning pity and charm channels on full force. Maybe I’ll write your tips down my arm to surreptitiously glance at if I feel wobbly.

      • It’s actually a great idea to write things on your hand or arm. You could also carry one of those pocket angels or stones to rub your fingers on just to keep a steady feeling going. And, if you know the breathing techniques for staying or getting calm, remember them when the time times. Add a B to your written part for BREATHE.

        • Good point, I carried a plain manila folder with the copy of the plane and hotel receipt from ex and schmoops planned weekend, I never meant to share it as I live in a no fault state (WTEF that means) but it kept me focused on Mighty and trusted that Disordered Suck!

      • Also get one of those squeeze stress balls. Pretend it’s his balls and squeeze the effen life out of it when it gets rough.

        I wish I had actually had one of those during my mediations. But oddly, I still kept my cool. He however did not, and at one point he came flying out of his conference room while his attorney was talking to the mediator in the hallway spitting vitriol and his lawyer had to physically push him back in the room.

        Our final decree is almost finished.
        Good luck to you. I can’t imagine having to deal with young kid issues with one of these crazies. Luckily our sons are over 18.

        • Hey thanks as always Chump Nation for wisdom from the trenches. And all-out Pom-Pom cheerleading squad action.

          I think the Trust That He Sucks hard evidence is a smart strategy in anticipation of charm channel assault. Along with B for Breathe I will have TTHS on my arm next Wednesday.

    • If we’re talking clones then Mr. CL needs to be prepared to pony up as well. I for one, love waffles. And men who put forth effort. I will pay handsomely for a Mr. CL Clone. 😀 😀 😀

      • I think I was making love to a clone for the last few years of my marriage. Ex was acting as if we hadn’t had a sex life at all, but I was making love to someone on a regular basis. I don’t understand why he had to take the clone with him when he left. 🙁 The clone was nicer.

        • Huh…my problem was the exact opposite. There was only sex with my ex, no making love and/or intimacy ever. And it wasn’t even particularly good sex. I wish I had had a clone of ME available to take over my “marital duties” I would have been happy to pass off that weekly chore to someone else. Oh hey, I guess I did. LOL That’s one thing I have never missed about my former marriage. Yuck.

          • I probably saw it as better than it was at the time because towards the end it was the only positive attention I was still getting and I so wanted to believe it meant something. Then he took that away too and gave it to somebody else and I really had nothing left.

    • Just in time.

      Mr. Twatwaffles and I are in court on Tuesday where he’s demanding sole custody of our girls, Daisy and Violet.

      Imma gonna need advice on how to keep my cool….

      • Kintsugi,

        Good luck on Tuesday! Went through the same, x demanding full custody. We went to court in August but the judge didn’t rule continued until Dec. My girls are 12 and 10 want absolutely nothing to do with him and that’s all my fault of course, couldn’t be his atrocious behavior. Hence, the court case now, the courts will make his daughters love him! I will pass this piece of advice on to you, only answer in yes or no format and do not elaborate if you don’t have to. Try and keep a monotone and it helps if you don’t look at x, at all.

        • His proposed parenting plan includes a provision that keeps me from parking in the alley behind his house when I pick up the girls.

          That’s how petty he said made this….

          • Be pettier. Insist that the parenting plan mandate use of Our Family Wizard. This way, you’ll be able to schedule drop-offs and pick-ups, as well as easily see who has the kids when.

            Mr. Twatwaffles will start out as Disney Dad, but then get bored of watching after 2 girls. Once he starts offloading his time onto your time, you can document this.

      • The absolute nerve of these shitholes trying to take kids away after leaving themselves. Hmm. Let’s see. She isn’t devastated enough just from losing me so what else can I do to devastate her life. Pure evil.

      • My father did the same to my mother when I was eleven and my brother nine. He lost. But for a man that seemed to so desperately want his children, he went on to barely keep to his Wednesdays and every other weekend that was ultimately decided by the court. By the time I was 15, I made excuses most weekends not to go to my father’s place as I had a part-time job close to my mother’s place and wanted to hang out with my friends. By the time I was 17 my father was completely out of the picture. I legally changed my name to my mother’s family name at 18. Didn’t see my father again until I was 32.

        He will flake out too. If he was a truly caring father, this is not how he would go about doing this to his children. This is all about power. Power over you to teach you a lesson. Stay strong!

      • reply to Kinsugi:

        Anyone so cool as to name their beloved daughters Daisy and Violet already has a blessing from the universe, the cosmos, whatever. Keep strong, and perhaps (when you’re in your new life with a ‘not’-Fuckwit, you can name bbygrl #3 Lily!!!!

    • Wow, it looks like so many citizens of CN are actually going to put Mr. CL’s advice into practice very soon!
      Be brave. Look at court hearings, etc., as awful as they are, as a contest for tearing apart lame reasoning, false equivalencies, catching the red herrings, deconstructing the scapegoats. Have fun making a fool of the cheaters. It’s a small consolation, but us chumps must NOT let ourselves be made fools

      • Part of my mediation included a long Q&A with my forensic accountant asking questions with lawyers present. I made it through by keeping meticulous notes of every question and his physical response, I suspected he would need to lie here and there and I wanted to be very focused on his tells. If he clenched his teeth, took a drink of water, or got overly precise in his speech, I made careful note.

        This strategy gave me something to focus on other than my emotions, grounded me and helped me give insights to my team.

    • excited about podcasts! They while away the time when I am doing cardio. I, thankfully, have no need of lawyers anymore….long done with that. However, I will be interested and probably entertained by future podcasts about all things Chump Nation needs to hear!

  • Dear CoolNewLife,

    I hope you got all you were asking for in your divorce. Nothing like douchebaggery and thinly veiled threats to keep remembering why they suck. I too saved a nasty text chain from my ex when he turned the channel to rage. I looked at it often during the first year when I needed reminders of who he actually was. I’ve since deleted it because I do in fact trust that he sucks and I don’t need reminders. The further down the CoolNewLife trail you go, the easier it is to trust that they suck!

    Welcome to the other side!

  • This e-mail is so familiar i got s few long-ass texts stating such gems as:

    “it feels like your goal is to get as many people to hate me as possible…including my family”
    “I am a person too”
    “The events set in motion by your anger may be bigger than you first thought”
    “Remember that what you tell people is only one side of things and after they hear it it is too late”
    “I’m getting hit with wave after wave of rumors and hatred”

    and last but not least

    “Your anger toward me is going to create a storm because i can only take so much”
    He also threatened that he would use 2! lawyers if things continued this way (still is yet to hire 1)

    All this was in response to me telling his aunt that we were getting a divorce because he couldn’t stop having emotional affairs over the past 3 years and she had THE NERVE to tell him he fucked up

    Like his is genuinely SHOCKED that people beyond me have a negative opinion of someone who cheated on their wife of 9 years (together 14). One of those emotional affairs he actually would meet up with her at the diner she worked at all the fucking time. And he took a day off of work (which is a big deal cause he never takes a day off during busy season to even see his own kids) to take her and her son out hiking…..

    Cheaters can’t see out of their own ass and beyond ME ME ME. Anything else would force them to have a good long look in the mirror and see what a sad sack of s hit they actually are when they ignore everyone else but their p enis. Mine still doesn’t think the problem was his habit of texting other women about how much he liked them and instead was me having the nerve to get upset over it.

    And nothings changed now that we’re on our way to divorce. The issue isn’t that he did anything wrong, it’s that I’m telling people what he did and he has to deal with it…..

    • And you also have to realize that you are living in a completely different reality then these fuckers.

      He still gets upset when i call them affairs. because he doesn’t believe they are since he never slept with them.

      He still gets upset when i mention that he took 1 women on dates (out to dinner, hiking, went to her house once) because he claims they weren’t dates cause that makes him sound like an ass and he’s a nice guy

      He still gets upset when i call the last women an emotional affair, when he invited her to visit him at work several times, texted her all the time and hid them from me

      He still gets upset when i mention that he professed his love for her and gave her the whole “but i could never leave because of the kids bullshit” because it doesn’t count because he was drunk

      He still gets upset that his friend wont hang out with him cause he thinks what he did was absolute shit and he blames me for that friendship being gone even though i’m not the one who cheated

      sorry, i’m on a roll today cause this man is such a f ucking idiot and is an adult with mental capabilities so i know somewhere he knows damn well who he is and what he did.

      The other week i drove by his place and noticed his mailbox was hit with a bat (its knocked in a over and someone took their time with it cause his mailbox is between 2 others that are fine), makes me laugh everytime i think about him blaming me for it…cause i’m such as s hit he is

      • Yeah, it’s not what he did, it’s the words you use to describe what he did.

        Narkles the Clown would get indignant when I would refer to the Flying Whore as a whore because it made her sound bad. Yup, you can’t make this shit up.

        • Yup, same. I told him he was a shit and a coward, I referred to his OW as a whore whenever we spoke as well. What else but the truth? He clung to the fantasy that OW was so very upset that they had been deceiving me. Neither of them wanted to hurt me! Puke.

          • Meanwhile, I once told XW that she had a “nasty edge” to her. Yes – that was the extent of name-calling during the divorce – but she insists that I treated her terribly, that I was abusive and she had to flee for her safety. Funnily enough, I later found out she moved out the same week her AP left his wife and kids. It kinda makes one wonder whether his availability, rather than my behavior, was the determining factor.

            It doesn’t matter what you say or don’t say. They can take offense at anything and twist it to justify their behavior.

          • Rae44, my stock answer to that was, “You’re right. At least whores have the good sense to charge for it. She’s just a common slut.” Never did get a come back to that. ; )

          • I think we were married to the same guy! At one point, I called his AP a slut. He flew into a rage and said “If you are calling her a slut, then you are calling me a slut!” 🤔

          • They are all insane. Mine was making appointments with actual high-priced-fetish prostitutes. When I used the word “whores,” he acted startled and hurt and said, ” Why do you have to talk in such a horrible ugly way.” Uuum. That is just a fact. Women who have sex with men solely for money are whores. Him dissipating huge amounts of marital money–no problem. Him breaking the law, no problem. Him, contributing to the degradation and possibly trafficking of other human souls, no problem. Him, risking my health and life by having unprotected sex with women who have literally had hundreds of partners, calm down it’s no big deal. But me using an accurate word he doesn’t like (because it begins to hint at the evil he has done)–now THAT’S hurtful.

      • My ex had an emotional affair back in 2007. I certainly expressed my hurt back then but I tried to do it nicely. I also didn’t recognize it as an actual affair. I just knew he was giving someone else the attention that should have been going to me and the kids. I also took it as a sign that I needed to be a better wife. I pick me danced for eight years and through what I now believe were multiple emotional affairs until he finally got around to fucking one then two because he regretted not having fucked the first one (that I know of ) back in 2007.

        You definitely did the right thing. They absolutely were affairs. He would definitely have gotten around to fucking one eventually unless he isn’t physically capable. Why wait. Good riddance.

        • the way he told me about the first (that he admits to, i have doubts it was really the first) was by saying “i just want you to know there was another women” and he’s been back-peddling on that phrase ever since he uttered it.

          I know i made the right choice and the amount of joy i feel for myself at having done so is better then i ever could have thought. Even with the anger and sadness involved in divorce i feel so much less anxiety, so much more confident about myself and my abilities. I’m a bad-ass for building a new life 100% on my own. I just focus on that to work through the parts of this that sucks.

          But being with him sucked too, at least this path has forward trajectory

          • You have doubts it was the first emotional affair? I have doubts they were all only emotional. Most cheaters don’t spend tons of time, money, and energy to moon over women in emails, they do it to fuck those women. Even if they were emotional, it is betrayal on a monumental scale. But, well liars lie. Please get tested, if you haven’t already.

            • Oh i have doubts in a lot of directions but choose to just lie with the reality in front of me because i left and digging around doesn’t help me at all.

              I did get myself tested, full-panel as a just in case.

      • Mine also believes that his EA’s weren’t really affairs because he didn’t sleep with them. But what he was doing was essentially dating them and you don’t date other people when you’re in a monogamous relationship. I have no idea what he said about me to other people but I assuming it’s the usual “She’s so horrible and controlling and not FUN.”

        • I have a hard time with so called ’emotional affairs.’ As Chump Lady says ‘Grownups fuck.’ I think all cheaters say this when they are first busted… that they never had sex with schmoopie. I actually believed that bullshit lie from cheaterpants XH until I found out the truth. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

          • Me too, he eventually admitted to going over to her house “once, sat on opposite ends of the couch to watch a movie and it was weird” i believed that shit in my head because somewhere inside myself i know this is easier to manage then the idea that he f ucked her and then so smoothly and unflinchingly lied about it for 3 years.

            He also conveniently only admits to what i know and who i know about so i know he’s full of crap i just didn’t/don’t have it in me to dig around and see how much. i left instead.

            I just can’t go there. I used to have literal nightmares that she would call or text me to let me know that they had been intimate.

            after we separated i told a friend the name of the first women and her response was “no, they absolutely f ucked, she’s a whore” and i ended up taking 2 days off of work because i was so devastated.

            So somewhere in my head i know he’s full of shit but it’s easier for me to be mighty if i just don’t know all of the details of it. I got myself tested as a just in case, everything came back clean and that’s the best i can do in that direction. I don’t think i could bare with the reality of how discorded he’d have to be to do those things to me and then go on the way he has. i know i don’t have it in me :/

            • You just described my situation to a tee. At some point you got to let it go. You have enough truth to know that he is a liar and cheater, who betrayed his marriage and family. Knowing the extent to which he is a liar or cheater just isn’t necessary any more.

              The crap of it is when you stumble across information, or someone leaks something or you follow up on something that leads you to discovering more. It’s a mind spin every time. I’ve asked people to just not tell me anything they learn. I’ve made a lot of progress. He sucks. Then end.

            • You just described my situation to a tee. At some point you got to let it go. You have enough truth to know that he is a liar and cheater, who betrayed his marriage and family. Knowing the extent to which he is a liar or cheater just isn’t necessary any more.

              The crap of it is when you stumble across information, or someone leaks something or you follow up on something that leads you to discovering more. It’s a mind spin every time. I’ve asked people to just not tell me anything they learn. I’ve made a lot of progress. He sucks. Then end.

      • Exactly! “Its not what they do but our reaction to what they did that is the problem.” – CL, GTFO Cheater-troll!!! I told my ex his planned purchase, delivery and subversion of the weekend with his schmoopie is Cheating, and since he had to lie, hide, and steal to do it, it must be wrong, and he knows it! The fact that he has a raging case of long term ED and was not able to perform the “act” with schmoopie in his hotelroom for 2 nights does not lessen the circumstances. (this all during my cancer surgery and immediate recovery which he refused to attend because he was ‘working’)

      • 2timechump1timecaller, YES! I needed to read your post today. Been going through a rough patch and actually missing ex Creeper. He, too, would gaslight and minimize his shenanigans—totally justified because it wasn’t physical….or whatever his excuse of the day was.

        He got the sadz SO bad and said, “Would you please not say that you feel like you’ve been cheated on? I can’t handle that accusation.” Yet in the same convo would say about his shenanigans, “I can’t control it.” Huh?????

    • No, they didn’t do anything wrong ~ well not in their minds.

      When I told mine to fuck off after receiving the divorce papers on Halloween of all days, he told me, I just don’t understand you. I have tried to do right by you.

      Oh really? What a fucking load of shit. Yeah, he did right by me. In his dreams, maybe.

    • Don’t believe for a second that any of those affairs were just emotional. My STBXH had me convinced that his relationships were just “friendships” in which he started to develop more feelings, but “nothing happened.” Then he admitted to having more recently shared a kiss. For nine months, I believed this crap while I did the pick me dance of my life.

      Well, discovering an email account with vomitous emails between the two of them during the last couple of months before he left (he was supposed to be doing everything to work on our marriage) reveals that it was a full-blown affair. There overnights in a hotel, a few weekends with her parents at the family cottage with her kids, day trips to the beach, casino, etc. She even had a drawer for him at her place. No sex, my ass! Just friends, my ass!

      But also heartbreaking is that the relationship goes back in further than I was initially led to believe.

      • Yes, I was led to believe it was an EA, then it turned into just a kiss on the cheek, then the rest which came from her husband. Yesterday someone wrote how the cheaters balls are like church bells when they are carrying out their illicit adventures but have none when they are found out – so true, it seems they shrivel to the size of peas when confronted with evidence!

    • Same playbook diff cheater. DisorderedX also claimed ‘snooping’ was as bad as his ‘EA’s. Except it turned out much later it wasn’t just an EA. The lack of respect and entitlement and lack of character that accompanies EA behaviour is not going to disappear. Moving on is so much better.

      • In August of 2017, my STBXH described his feelings for the OW as an addiction to heroine. He told me that he knew she was not good for him and that no good could ever come of a relationship with her, but the euphoria he feels around her is so powerful that when he isn’t with her he can only think about how to be with her again. This is the shit I put up with doing the “pick me” dance, courtesy of the RIC. I sat there trying to be understanding and patient while he shared his woes with me, hoping that my empathy would turn him around.

        I though I would “help” him by providing him articles on the psychology of emotional affairs and how the stimulation and behaviour is similar to addiction behaviour. Basically, what he described to me is just like addiction. He gave up her address to me as an act of good faith. I told him that if I suspected he was over there, I would go pull him out, just as if he were in a heroine den.

        One week later, I pulled into this woman’s driveway on my cell phone with my husband. As he lied to me, saying that he wasn’t with her, I laid on my horn in her driveway and told him he had one minute to get out or I would be at her door. Within a minute, her garage door opened to reveal my husband’s car hidden inside. I may have “rescued” him from the heroine den or bar or casino (name your addiction), but I knew that it would be pointless to ever do so again. You have to let them go.

        In the secret emails I discovered between the two of them, he called me a stalker. Claimed to her that he didn’t know how I found out where she lives and used my “rescue” as an example of how controlling I am. Suddenly, I was painted in this light of being unstable. Excuse me. I’m the wife. I’m the one with a legal and moral right to my husband. She an uninvited interloper into my life with this man.

        They reduce your investigation to get at the truth of your life to an act worse than their cheating. That’s a lot of nerve.

        • “They reduce your investigation to get at the truth of your life to an act worse than their cheating. That’s a lot of nerve.”

          Yep. I have been called a stalker too. All of my investigations to find out the truth were reduced to me being controlling, a bully and a stalker. He said he lied to me because of my actions…funny I think the lying started first. But now who cares? I’m glad he’s gone.

    • Sparkledick exclaimed in court “But I am NOT a cheater!”. Because I had asked him how one went about trusting a cheater since he had just told me I could trust him on dividing assets.

      He thought he could get away with this shit, but then I, in turn, asked him if this meant that (named flatterfuck’s full name) was a mirage from outer space. The entire room started snickering, he was furious.

    • Oh Lord, this sounds familiar. I got several rounds of “I’ll never forgive you for this…I’ll hate you forever…YOU are setting the tone for our future co-parent relationship…what’s best for our daughter is for you to [do everything I say]” Etc. And the woaning about his not having any relationship with my family anymore–what did you expect man!?! They’re not your biggest fan.

      • Oh this sounds so familiar. Best interests of the kids is literally giving him what he wants aka 50% custody in the OW’s marital home with her kids and husband who still lives there (which is insane – and also, my ex was never around for the kids when he actually lived here… he was off doing community theatre with the OW for the past year). I also got “I never thought you were capable of such spite and vengeful hate against good people!” Um…. what?

  • I got some similar bullshit like this too. Playing the violin that he “knows” he is going to ‘lose everything,’ but wants to make sure I’m ok. Well – when it came down to it….he fought for everything and felt I was entitled to nothing because he made more money than I did. Such a shithead. My dipshit also sent out a mass text to a bunch of people basically trying to justify his actions (I let everyone know about his little fuck-phone) Yep – told everyone that I was the one to blame and if they didn’t believe him, they could all fuck off. It was my 19-year-old son’s X-girlfriend that forwarded me the text…. Ya – my son’s X-girlfriend was one of the many who received the text. Really made him look like the idiot he is.

  • Awesome, Tracy!!

    I’ll bet Mr. CL could wipe his ass with ‘Throgmorton’ any day of the week.
    😂😂

  • “I am a gentle lamb of Perestroika.” Hahahahaha. I’m pretty sure that would earn a place in the Cheater Handbook in the “How to Describe Yourself to your Chump to Deflect Blame” chapter if cheaters were smart enough to know what “perestroika” means since hey are definitely dumb enough to overlook the sarcasm and snark involved.

  • They are so stupid.
    Mine keeps sending me letters through the mail. I have him blocked on email, text, and changed my phone number.lol Among some of the gems I’ve gotten:
    ” I know because you’re mad at me, is the reason you’re trying to financially ruin me”( He’s been screwing a howorker for the past 4 years )
    ” I’m going to give you one last chance to change your course of action” ( hiring an attorney)
    ” This isn’t going to end the way you want it to”
    Bwwwhhaaaa.. asshole. Going to 2nd mediation November 2. It won’t be ending the way he wants it to either.

    • It ended when he went off fucking strange. He’s right. That’s not the way you wanted it to end but you are going to do your best to have it end in a way that makes it possible for you to move forward on gaining that life.

    • Mine sent me youtube videos about the folly and money-waste of hiring lawyers. He got so angry when I hired one. I think it was a little extra bad for him since I hired a woman our age who was tough as nails, well spoken, and so very calm. I never spoke to him about the divorce after hiring her…he had to call/go to her office for everything. It was freaking beautiful.

      • Yup mine didn’t want to hire a lawyer either, then when I did , he said I heard shes a real shark, I said “GOOD!”

        They just don’t want us to hire a lawyer so they can use their sad sausage routine to give us nothing to very little. Cue the rage when my shark lawyer told me to not move out of my house( yes the one he left a few weeks later when he convinced schmoopie/sugar mama/mommy to let him move in with her, the same one I sold for $250 k more than the value the asswipe was paid out on–yahoo Karma!).

        Hire the lawyer, they are worth what they are paid in the long run.

  • LOVED this one. The “I haz a sad” fur ball kitten is always a harbinger of fun things to come.

  • “I have respected all your wishes” – except for the part about not fucking strange.

    “I am trying to pick up the pieces just as you are” – consequences suck.

    “I want nothing more than for this to end in agreement and peace” – I want you to let me off the hook on that whole consequences thing. Better yet, why don’t you suffer those consequences for me? By agreement, of course, so I don’t have to look like a jerk.

  • I received a very similar but more succinct response from my particular ass-hat when I decided that I was going to go NC and Lawyer up after years of manipulation, being forced into selling my house and finding out that he had got engaged and had bred with the OW before the Divorce had gone through.
    We were nearly at the finish line and he thought he had got his own way in all respects before I hit him with the legalities.

    “I can’t believe you have done this, I thought we were doing things amicably?

    What is it you want from me? You can’t say communication has broken down we have been discussing and agreeing things?

    The email was headed ‘ So you lied’ The absolute brass balls of this narc to accuse me of lying when he cheated on me for years, was chaotic with money and sat and watched while I went through years of IVF while he was behaving like a dog with two dicks is incredulous.

    Consequences Asswipe.

    • These people are so full of hypocrisy and double standards and seem so unaware of it. I don’t know if it is all an act or if they really are that clueless. Either way it is agravating.

    • Mine did the same thing, minus the engagement. Got her pregnant before anything was even filed! Then planned on hiding it until after the divorce was final. But I found out a month before. It didn’t really change anything since I already had a pretty good deal with him, but since finalizing in February he will hit me up with “the holidays aren’t fair” or ” I need more time” and “I hope you’re not planning on really keeping the belongings I left in the house as per the stipulation. That would hurt my family”.

      Ugh. I’m sticking to every word. His manipulations got me to budge on one thing and I won’t do it any more. He had his chance to alter the stipulation and didn’t do it. Now he uses anything he doesn’t like as an example of how I’m not thinking of our daughter. Whatever.

      And in the meantime, the baby was born in May 2 months after the divorce was final and she’s already pregnant again. Good luck to them. Two under two? Can’t wait for that s-show.

    • Mine said, (because I was angry he refused to step up for our three very young children) “You are angry and need help. I pray you get it.” And I’m a psychologist. WTFE.

  • The cheating husband didn’t care about destroying his marriage when he started having an affair with his mistress. Why would anyone else think he would care when he hired his mistress as an assistant at work? Why do people expect cheaters to do the right thing and act morally? They don’t care about anyone but themselves. If they cared, they wouldn’t have had the affair to begin with.

  • I totally recognize the passive/aggressive victim/good guy in this; my stbx is a master at it!

    “YOU SAID you wanted this to end in peace”, “I don’t understand?” – PASSIVE VICTIM

    “I am sure there are rumors flying around (hometown) about me that have changed the way you see me now” – VICTIM

    “Any rumors spread by people that work for me/ the company are going to lose their jobs, for that is insubordination and undermining their employer’s personal life. I know who the people are and they are being dealt with.” – AGGRESSIVE

    “I have not said or done one negative thing towards you or your family. I have respected all your wishes. ” – PASSIVE GOOD GUY

    ” I am trying to pick up the pieces just as you are” – VICTIM

    “I don’t want to have to get a attorney and drag this out for months, a year, over money I don’t have” – AGGRESSIVE VICTIM

    “My company’s entire legal team has offered their services and support to me, but I don’t want them involved.” – AGGRESSIVE SCARE TATIC / PASSIVE GOOD GUY

    You get the point here. I highly doubt his companies legal team came looking for him to offer their legal services. Passive aggressive lies are par for the course with cheaters. The whole world would think they are great if it weren’t for us mean nasty chumps! But don’t ever forget that there are plenty of people willing to back them up!

    I know (rarely) some companies offer legal services as a perk of employment, but it’s not as if they are chomping at the bit to help this “super great guy” who is the victim of a mean mean woman! It’s something they have to offer if it is a perk… kind of like insurance. Your company doesn’t offer it because they think you are a lovely person, they offer it because its something they offer as part of employment.

    Remember that part of their suck is knowing how to push peoples empathy buttons. That is all this letter is designed to do, and throw in a little fear as well. This is why trusting that they suck is soooooo liberating! If you trust that they will put their best interests first, while simultaneously making it look like you are screwing them (as the victim), you are the aggressor and they are nothing less than honest upstanding citizens trying to do “the right thing”. Funny how their conscience “seemingly” kicks in during the process of divorce!

    • Maybe his legal team is meeting with him but probably because he’s fucking his secretary and everyone there knows it 🙂

    • Got-a-Brain,

      My ex is the master of passive aggressive seemingly good sounding reasons that are actually just thinly veiled excuses. Really shitty excuses at that.

      It took me a really long time to see through it because I was so blinded by 1.) his apparent love for me 2.) all the reasons I suck 3.) how sparkly he was.

      It was so so so hard for me to see that he wasn’t a good guy because from the outside it all looked so god damn good! He was “detaching with love” and “if I couldn’t afford to keep the water and power on he would take the kids to live with him in the meantime”…… awe. so helpful. NOT. He was offering to TAKE MY KIDS FROM ME in the name of “help”. Lipstick on a pig. A turd covered in sparkles. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. All of it.

      Brain, I would love for you to “translate” some of cheaters texts and emails. I’m sure we would laugh our asses off!

      • It is classic tactics of the drama triangle. This dynamic really woke me up to the shitty game we didnt want or know we were playing. If they are the victim you are persecuting them . If you state facts that you in fact are the victim they play rescuer/ good guy….and so it goes on thats why theres no adult resolution until you stop playing.

    • “Remember that part of their suck is knowing how to push peoples empathy buttons. That is all this letter is designed to do, and throw in a little fear as well. This is why trusting that they suck is soooooo liberating! If you trust that they will put their best interests first, while simultaneously making it look like you are screwing them (as the victim), you are the aggressor and they are nothing less than honest upstanding citizens trying to do “the right thing”. Funny how their conscience “seemingly” kicks in during the process of divorce!”

      Got-a-brain thank you for your thoughtful dissection of this letter. X was also a master manipulator, and very passive-aggressive, but I never noticed it until going through the divorce process. My youngest sister (she was the 8-year old flower girl in our wedding) was the person to point out to me how X was able to push my buttons after 30 years of marriage. He was a master at making me feel guilty for hiring my own lawyer (he wanted to use the same one so it would be “easy and less expensive”), insisting on an equitable division of property, and demanding spousal support. I almost caved on the spousal support, over the vehement protests of my really good attorney, until my mother told me I’d better rethink things as my most productive earning years were likely behind me. I’m only now, after 4 years separation and 3 years divorced, starting to come to terms with just how much HIS victim mentality affected me.

  • Reading all this and remembering the brief correspondence I had with the X over email and texts left me bewildered. I remember seeing his emails when the hooker cheating started (unbeknownst to me) and scratching my head because I had no idea what he was going on about. Even his writing was like some alien had taken over his body. The words, phrases, sentences – not of it was my husband.

    For me, it’s best not to go down that road. He had some doozies for sure, and it’s a reminder that he sucks.

  • Oh my goodness!
    That’s not appropriate.
    Here, let me get the door for you, ma’am.
    (to anyone in uniform) Thank you for your service, sir!
    I love you, babygirl! You’re the best wife ever.
    Be safe, sweety! don’t forget your umbrella!

    These phrases, and many others like them, are things Honey would say all the time. He was sweet. Respectful. Practically incapable of getting angry. we got along great and I thought everything was wonderful. You’d love the guy if you met him. He also secretly conducted numerous clandestine affairs while working on the road, while being sure to text and call me every day to tell me how much he appreciated me caring for the kids while he had to be away working. Then one day, he left us with no warning with a packed bag and moved in with a stripper he met in a bar 2,000 miles away. He’s seen our 2 young kids once in the last 4 years.

    These types who are confrontation-averse require everything to be smooth and easy going. They may act as if everything is OK all the way up until the moment of discovery, leaving the confused spouse to really believe their husband has a brain tumor or something seriously wrong with them. This CAN’T be the real him. With time and with this blog, I have come to realize it is exactly who he is. In fact, I have a photograph.

    The one time he did visit the kids in four years, he dropped them back off to me sticky, filthy, and one of them with a high fever. I texted him something to the effect of “I don’t appreciate the condition that the children were in when you brought them back, why couldn’t you clean them up and why didn’t you tell me our daughter had a fever?” Then I added something like “I can’t believe what you have done to our family. I’m trying not to, but I’m wondering how it is that I’m not supposed to hate you.” Shortly thereafter, a photo was posted on Facebook by his mistress. Back then I had a way of seeing her Facebook page. It was a closeup of Honey flipping off the camera with a mother-effing skull ring on his finger (yep), a look of rage on his face. Someone wrote in the comments “Now now I want to be able to see those kids one day, don’t cause a problem” So I knew it was for me. If I ever start down the rabbit trail of romanticizing the past, or start to wonder who the real Slim Shady was, I just look at that picture. It tells me everything I need to know.

    • Honey,

      “These types who are confrontation-averse require everything to be smooth and easy going. They may act as if everything is OK all the way up until the moment of discovery, leaving the confused spouse to really believe their husband has a brain tumor or something seriously wrong with them. This CAN’T be the real him. With time and with this blog, I have come to realize it is exactly who he is.”

      So much truth.

      My sister said to me : “Unexpected, I think you’re so mad at cheater than even if he was doing nice things for you right now you wouldn’t even see it because you’re so upset.”

      I said “No, there is not one thing that he is doing that is nice, I promise. Even though it appears that way.”

      A few weeks later some super twisted texts came in making me out to look mean, crazy and absurd.
      When I read them to my sister her jaw dropped to the floor and she said “You’re right. He is NOT a nice guy and nothing he is doing is nice either.”

      Image management is one of their finest weapons.

      Thanks to CN for opening my eyes and teaching me about the three cheater channels.

    • I had one of the conflict avoidant cheaters as well. Five years out and it still takes my breath away. He went from a gentle, kind, and apparently thoughtful guy to a monster within minutes. He filed a restraining order against me after I revealed his cheating to his family and coworkers (I also called his co-worker skank a whore). He married his whore and is awaiting the arrival of his first bundle of joy at 47 (he never wanted kids while we were together).

      The magnificent mind-fuckery! The real Slim Shady is the one fucking the whore. (…and Honey sounds like a twat – nay, a twat with bad taste in jewelry!)

  • Like usual, the cheater thinks that he should get to walk away from his marriage with no consequences; his wife should bear them all while he gets to walk away free and clear. No one can expect anything at all of him.

    They live in another dimension.

    • This was my X. He didn’t feel the need to tell me why he wanted the divorce or give me the courtesy of explaining himself, or even tell me what I had done wrong in his eyes.. Nope, he just wanted to walk away unscathed.

      • It doesn’t even matter when they do tell you. I got:

        • I need to be more social (said the man who wouldn’t talk to anyone at home)
        • Too many things have happened, like when you got laid off 8 years ago (and hired back contract 1 month later)
        • You didn’t come to my brother’s wedding
        • You didn’t party enough at my cousins wedding

        There were reasons he gave for leaving a woman with cancer. 🙄

        • Agreed CC! At this point, I wouldn’t believe anything he tells me. The more I think about this and really look at his behavior, the more convinced I am that he’s somewhere on the sociopath spectrum. He’s not a good person and someone that I never want to see again.

  • I recognize this pattern as well. It is amazing how they do not understand double standards. Mine was very confused on why I wanted a lawyer.
    We had a shared computer and I used to have access to all Emails, financial overviews, and such.
    He had blocked my access to his site (which had the financials summaries on it) and claimed it was because I could not be trusted. Read this: I could not be trusted.
    For 6 weeks, I did not have the access to the financial statements, summaries, and I was becoming increasingly worried. Sure, I could have called up all banks and such, but he had never really involved me in any of this. Now claiming that this was my fault and maybe it was for not getting more involved, but I generally trusted him.
    So, now he is offended, because I asked my for an increased financial investigation. He feels threatened by this.

    The good news is that he got distracted with fighting me on financials and is now agreeing to me getting primary custody. Since, I mentioned in the last month how worried I am about financials, I know that he is doing this to get to me.

  • “Of the devil”??? Does he think he’s some Puritan preacher from back in the day? Give me a break.

  • Rumors are from the devil.
    I’m sure the devil would appreciate it if you would not include him in all the truth telling going on. I mean rumors..

  • He’s “meeting with his legal team at work.” Yeah, probably to discuss hiring his mistress! Someone PLEASE tell me this idiot got fired and Letter Writer got her settlement.

  • He’s not fired yet, but only a matter of time. She lives with him in company housing. This dude is a ticking time bomb.

    My favorite line is “of the devil” as one of our main issues was my involvement in religion and his distaste for it. But way to attempt the moral high ground after cheating, bud.

    This email makes me laugh every time and I’m glad it gave some giggles to you all!

    P.S. Got the settlement I wanted.

  • He’s not fired yet, but only a matter of time. She lives with him in company housing. This dude is a ticking time bomb.

    My favorite line is “of the devil” as one of our main issues was my involvement in religion and his distaste for it. But way to attempt the moral high ground after cheating, bud.

    This email makes me laugh every time and I’m glad it gave some giggles to you all!

    P.S. Got the settlement I wanted.

    • Glad you got a good settlement. To clarify things, if he is meeting with his legal team, it is most likely because they are trying to determine whether to fire him outright or to ease him out with some murky statement about him pursuing other opportunities. I just hope he did not leave the door open for him to get maintenance from you if (when) he loses his job. Mine got eased out of 3 jobs in 10 years but he always got a good severance package. I’m sure these types of shenanigans violate company policy, and what’s worse, they are bad for the other employees’ morale.

  • “We talked a month or so ago on the phone for over an hour. You and I were in agreement on things. What happened? You said you wanted this to end in peace and as easy for both of us as possible. I don’t understand?”

    THIS. Is my favorite line. And the ultimate narc. line.

    UBT: Wait. How dare you say one thing and do another. I’m the only person who gets to change their mind. You know like when I made those vows. Or the thousands of times that I said one thing and did another. I mean, I had to lie, of course. But you are the liar.

    It never ends. My husband’s narc ex still does this. Like when she tried to have him fired. (You can’t make this stuff up) and then was ticked off that we didn’t want to sit in the same room with her at a school function and accused us of going back on our word. Ummm…

    • Right!? My ex will email me the most terrible nasty things and then the next day wonder aloud to me why we can ‘t be better friends. The cognitive dissonance is strong

  • I’m so surprised to hear so many people waiting anxiously for their exes to get fired. I’m holding my breath worried he will (though he CERTAINLY deserves to be) as all my support money comes from him, and I’m still ratcheting back into a career after having been home with the kids for 11 years.

    That being said, I do fantasize about the day when I can fly him the bird and tell his boss about the crap he pulled within 1 week of starting his job.

  • I can’t deal with the sad sausage pity party which is my ex any more. I. Just. Can’t.
    My ex lives a life completely opposite to mine.
    He lives comfortably owning two homes while I have fought for a year to get the house I live in with our children under my name (because I didn’t meet the credit/income requirements because of my single income status.)
    He breezes from one high paying job to another while I’m struggling to find meaningful work in my professional field after a four-year stint as a SAHM.
    He frequently goes on international trips/vacations abroad. Me: I care full time for our two children, take care of all their needs and work full time.
    And he gets the undying admiration of people who are so easily impressed by his cosmopolitan lifestyle in NY they just have to be in his presence. His personal brand of being on the cutting edge of cool. I’m just a single, poor, un-ambitious parent who got dumped by him because I wasn’t fabulous enough.
    Yet he has the gall to say he’s the one who is suffering post-divorce?
    I cannot deal.

    • Hear all that. I have an ex who complains about paying for art lessons for our only child, meanwhile he’s planning trips to Mexico, re-furbishing his home, and putting thousands in savings each month. And I actually don’t begrudge him any of it, as long as he lives up to his end of the agreement…but, alas, he can’t even do that.

  • “I am a person too” LOL, my Cheating Ex said: “I am hurting too.”
    Give me a fucking break. He *caused* all of it.

    And seriously, “I don’t understand.”
    No, they don’t. It took me years (I’m 5 years out) to get my head around the fact that he didn’t and COULDN’T ever ever understand because he has some kind of attachment disorder or something (skein, sorry). And he also couldn’t understand what he stole from me while I financially supported us for 16 years because he was a fake, an imposter, a parasite who could *never* comprehend what I did running my business; raising my kids w/o c.s. or support from their dad (previous Ex). He couldn’t, won’t.

  • My STBX is leaving for the last time at 3 in the morning. He’s moving 1,000 miles away to live with his girlfriend- who he had an affair with 25 years ago. Our 14 year old son with attachment disorder, PSTD and ADHD is staying with me. We adopted him 12 1/2 years ago after we tried having bio kid through science for two years.

    Mr. Fantastic shared with me this morning that he hasn’t been happy in our marriage / not loved me for 24 years. After we tried to work things out for a year he got sick. I thought we were happy, I bought into the thought the affair made our marriage stronger. Now this was a dibilitating sicknesses, lasted a bit. He told me he didn’t love me, didn’t want to be with me but he was sick, scared and had nowhere else to go. He got better, got a job for a few months and then got sick with something else. Happened over and over. When we decided to have kids he became the stay at home dad…I had a good job with benefits. Killed me, he got my job, but it was what we needed to do.

    I actually had the wherewithal to ask him so you stayed and let me support you for 25 years? And you let us try to have a child….and then adopt a child? I was just a paycheck to this man. Tomorrow I know after I get our child on the bus for school I will bottom out. Tonight I just want to cry but I don’t want him to hear me.

    What do you do when you learn you have wasted the only life you have — I’m 56 with a 14 year old and terrified I will not be enough.

    Help!

    • Sorry. Cry it out. But you are enough. Hang in there – you will feel peaceful sooner or later. But you should (if you can) tell him that he has has treated you poorly and unfairly and no one gave him the right to use you. You are a human being and he was disrespectfult o sue you like that. But find something you like to do (martial arts, dance, kick boxing something) and peace will come.

    • Silver, You have not wasted your life, X has wasted his. You are worthy and deserve better. Please read old CL posts on how to “gain a life” (and grieve). You will recognize your value when you realize that you have always “showed up.” You have done the work and you should be proud. It is hard to have the fairy tale with the disordered and you were probably doing it all for a very long time. Now, just know that you and your boy will need to focus on getting well (as living with the disordered is a lesson in futility). Be the sane parent, practice extreme self care, get involved, and immerse your beautiful child in new experiences. Take back your one precious life and see the truth for the gift it is.

      • Cry away….it’s OK. You are human and you care. That automatically makes you a better person. If you haven’t already seek out counseling for your and your son. This is traumatic for both of you, especially for you as you will be one to carry your little family. Rely on fiends and family where needed.

        It’s hard right now but you did nothing wrong. Sounds like your STBX is about as emotionally-stunted as my X. There’s nothing I could have done to make him stay. My marriage was doomed from the beginning, I just didn’t know it. I still struggle so ,y heart is with you.

        Get a good lawyer, and go as No Contact as much as possible. Block him on all social media. Force him to use email from here on out or go with a parents software. Do as much as you can and don’t feel weak if you can’t do it all. This is a fight for you.

    • You will be enough. You will actually be better than enough. You are the sane parent.

      I know you’re scared, but you’re doing the right thing: reach out, ask for and ACCEPT all the help the universe can throw at you. Join the forums here to see if there are local people you can connect with.

      And let me make a rash prediction: removing this gaslighting, malingering and cheating POS from your life may actually improve your child’s outcomes in the long run. Stable, sane parenting can make up for years of the damage he has done.

    • You will be better than enough because you care and are compassionate and have integrity. Your son is lucky to have you, please don’t describe yourself ever as not being “enough.”

      It won’t be easy, but it wasn’t easy with STBX either. Some things will become surprisingly easy as you begin to realize how often the STBX was frustrating your efforts or eating up time or resources you could better spend elsewhere. And other things will be harder, but only in the moment. In the long run, you’ll find you can solve problems better when you are only solving yours and your son’s–not those of another adult.

      Please be kind to yourself–talk to friends or a counselor and make sure you are as compassionately supported as your child. Do you have a lawyer yet? If not, there’s a lot of good information in the CL archives about getting a lawyer who works for you without any of the wavering or worries chumps are prone to.

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