UBT: “You Represent Christmastime”

Hi Chump Lady,

If you could run the following email through your UBT, I would GREATLY appreciate it. This is coming from someone who cheated on me with three different women over the course of a year, one of which was a prostitute. He has since been trying to get me back after I broke up with him over a year ago.

Email:

Hi C,

It’s one of those things that’s both obvious and weird, that an adult can’t look back on childhood as a child. It all looks so different from this side. Childhood is a place of haze and echo, where the scale of things — physical locations, stakes, imagined problems — are alien enough that it seems like you’re watching a reel of someone else’s boring life. Things bend from the tow of time. With every remembered footfall, it feels like I’m about to wake up.

I’ve been pondering this because glancing backwards at adulthood just isn’t the same. Your past self is crystallized as the “you” of the eternal present, and it wields guilt like a scalpel. I don’t go a day without remembering you, and it’s usually like going home. In that reflection I see the rough skin of the world shed away, leaving a comfort that’s like Christmastime. I smile when I picture your smile. I feel valuable just be remembering the gentleness that I received, without merit, from you.

The rotten past escapes my head, too. It’s present-soaked, not like the dreamy distance of remembering life as a kid. I did it. It was me. And I worry about how much worse it must be for you to look back on these things. I realize that you represent the same thing that Christmastime did that I looked forward to as a child, a thing of warmth and joy and unconditional love. Everything else is the shuffling succession of days between. You represent what’s true, what all other things in my life point to.

Anyway, I miss you greatly. I love you more than anything else; the disjunction between that fact and my infidelity is like sitting in a harsh light. It’s impossible to think past. I don’t know if I will ever cook up something clever enough to credibly make sense of it. I heard you bought an English basement, in your lovely neighborhood. I bet it’s really great. Everywhere that you’ve ever lived is a place of easy beauty. I wish you the best, and I hope that I’ll be ready to share a life with you someday.

Love,
Idiot

Signed,

C

Dear C,

I was going to admonish you about no contact — Shut that shit down! He shouldn’t be trying to “get you back” for a solid year! — but then you would’ve denied the UBT such a rich vein of bullshit, so… okay. Thanks. But now, go change your phone number and BLOCK him, alright?

Real philosopher douche you have there. I can smell the clove cigarettes.

Let’s crank up the Universal Bullshit Translator…

Hi C,

Insert Name Here. My bullshit is like Mad Libs.

Laura. Katie. Splendid Penguin Costume C

It’s one of those things that’s both obvious and weird,

Like me. I am both an obvious, and weird, manipulator.

that an adult can’t look back on childhood as a child.

Time progresses linearly. If only we had a space portal to other dimensions!

It all looks so different from this side. Childhood is a place of haze and echo, where the scale of things — physical locations, stakes, imagined problems — are alien enough that it seems like you’re watching a reel of someone else’s boring life. Things bend from the tow of time.

I’m not a cheating fuckwit — I’m Carl Sagan.

With every remembered footfall, it feels like I’m about to wake up.

Yes. I said footfall. I was going to write “pitter-pat” but I thought that might be gilding the lily. The crap comes in on little cat’s feet…

My brain is a place of haze and echo.

I’ve been pondering this because glancing backwards at adulthood just isn’t the same. Your past self is crystallized as the “you” of the eternal present, and it wields guilt like a scalpel.

Yeah, I didn’t cheat on you. It was some crystalized past me. I don’t know that guy.

I don’t go a day without remembering you,

I go entire weeks. Months. Lost time with Tinder dates, randos, sex workers — but then time bends again, and I recall, “C’s good kibbles!”

How you doin’? 😉

and it’s usually like going home.

Except for those times you changed the locks. And got a new boyfriend. And your neighbor told me to get the fuck off her lawn.

In that reflection I see the rough skin of the world shed away,

I was a bad person. And then I exfoliated.

leaving a comfort that’s like Christmastime.

I like childhood Christmas. Where everyone gives you presents and you don’t have to give them any presents, because you’re six, and fabulous for Just Being YOU.

Can’t we all go back to that?

#comfortable #4me

I smile when I picture your smile.

I smile when I think of your unknowing smile. How I’ve duped you. Nothing under the tree from me!

I feel valuable just be remembering the gentleness that I received, without merit, from you.

Exactly the way I like it.

I remember that I got something I didn’t earn. I don’t feel bad about that. Or mortified. Or ashamed. I feel nostalgic.

The rotten past escapes my head, too.

Of course it does.

It’s present-soaked, not like the dreamy distance of remembering life as a kid.

Is someone expecting me to adult here? Not. Gonna. Happen.

I did it. It was me.

I did nameless things without description. ME I did the vague thing(s)! Singular. Plural. Whatever.

I am capable of describing footfalls and dreamy Christmases past — but shit I did to you?

“It.”

And I worry about how much worse it must be for you to look back on these things.

Not really.

Like, let’s just call them “things.”

Things I haven’t apologized for. Or described. But — hey! I miss you! Smile!

I realize that you represent the same thing that Christmastime did that I looked forward to as a child, a thing of warmth and joy and unconditional love.

Bring me a hooker, Santa!

And I’m never on the Naughty List because unconditional love. You are warmth and joy, and zero accountability. YOU’RE BETTER THAN SANTA!

Everything else is the shuffling succession of days between.

Pay the hooker. Stiff the hooker…

You represent what’s true, what all other things in my life point to.

You’re an adult. I refuse to be one. Take care of me.

Anyway, I miss you greatly.

Those footfalls! COME BACK!

I love you more than anything else; the disjunction between that fact and my infidelity is like sitting in a harsh light.

Dysfunction disjunction what’s yer function?

I cheated on you. I love you! King’s X.

It’s impossible to think past. I don’t know if I will ever cook up something clever enough to credibly make sense of it.

So please accept this giant bowl of word salad.

Search for the bacon bits… find your own meaning.

I heard you bought an English basement, in your lovely neighborhood. I bet it’s really great.

Can I sleep there? In your lovely neighborhood? You have lovely things. Can I have them? No need to answer now, just open the door.

No? I know where you live!

Is that creepy? Nah, it’s a compliment.

Everywhere that you’ve ever lived is a place of easy beauty. I wish you the best, and I hope that I’ll be ready to share a life with you someday.

Love,
Idiot

Yes, you just wait around for me UNTIL I AM READY to grace you with my presence. To share a life. Unconditionally. That’s X-mas every day. For me.

Let me dress up this violation of your boundaries as YOU pining for ME! I don’t apologize, I fling a few kibble-compliments — and you take me back. But just when I feel “ready.” I hope.

Because the Love That Loves You More Than Anything Else will not commit to you.

Dance, dance!

****

Please walk away from this loser.

Hark! I hear footfalls!

 

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165 Comments
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Dudders
Dudders
5 years ago

Dudders sticks fingers down throat. What a creep. Good work UBT although I’m not sure it need any translation to realise what a pile of garbage that email was. Unreal aren’t they.

AB
AB
5 years ago
Reply to  Dudders

So much word salad just to ask: Can I sleep in your basement?

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago
Reply to  AB

Can I water your flowers?

Matthew Kimber
Matthew Kimber
5 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

And butter your muffin.

Madam Pince
Madam Pince
5 years ago
Reply to  AB

What is an English basement? Does she serve tea?

Georgie
Georgie
5 years ago
Reply to  Madam Pince

Yes what is an English basement? Anyway the UBT gave me a good laugh today. Thank you CL!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago

OMG…. that was the biggest word salad I have ever read. I didn’t get what word salad was until I read that.

Run.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Snore…. I fell asleep before UBT turned on. The smell of clove cigarettes woke me up.

Can you image how many sheets of paper this guy balled up?!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

I doubt he actually set pen to paper. That’s a WORD doc that took several weeks and lots of ear smoke to write.

Elsa
Elsa
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

It was a tough salad to swallow… it’s like dropping sentences while high and simultaneously watching tv/ listening to the radio…
form without any substance
????????????????????

WhoamInow
WhoamInow
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

YOU’RE BETTER THAN SANTA!

Ha ha ha ha – Chump Lady – you nailed it and you rock!

Thanks for the great start to my day.

you’re hair’s on fire – RUN!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

I have to hand it to the UBT… I couldn’t make ANY sense of that.

cuzchump
cuzchump
5 years ago

It seems all cheaters ate the same. They never blame themselves for their lying and cheating, stay away from this loser. All he wants is someone to abuse while he runs around paying for hookers and who knows what else. You owe yourself so much more than a manchild who gets off on cheating and lying to the person they say they love. Do not bring the garbage back in.

kellyp
kellyp
5 years ago
Reply to  cuzchump

No, she’s paying for the hookers. Guarantee it.

cuzchump
cuzchump
5 years ago
Reply to  cuzchump

Cheaters are the same. Not ate the same. My phone likes to change my spelling.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

This is a classic. Shakespeare…… “it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Well-called, Spoonriver.

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago

The one bit of slip-up unintentional truth is the part about “cooking up something clever to make sense of it all.”

It’s called Self-Delusion, and our Fuckwit cheaters are masterful at it.

Quetzal
Quetzal
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yesss!!! That triggered me up a storm. He’s literally mentioning how accostumed he is to conjuring up truths and meanings, like it’s an everyday business. This stuff is psychotic.

Poetic/philosoper narcs are really the worst. I was lucky in that my cheater at least didn’t pride himself with big talk. He simply imposed no talk at all, cause ain’t that easier for hiding your Self…

QueenMother
QueenMother
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Remember: liars don’t lie

Chumpful
Chumpful
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yes, that stood out to me. They all are busy “cooking up” some BS excuse once they get caught: their previously unmentioned sad childhood; that they didn’t want to hurt the OW who came on to them; that their needs were neglected while you were single-handedly looking after their children, working full-time and doing every household chore; the stress of their demanding job; that you forced them to stray by being too needy, too jealous, too cold, too old, too boring, too fat, too demanding, too loving, too uncaring; that the OW was just a friend who actually understood them; that you expect too much of them; that you didn’t respect them enough; etc, etc. This is the first time I have seen one of these people actually admit they are just making it up as they go along, while we chumps are always agonising over whether we were to blame for not being a better person than we always try to be.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yup, no looking at the uncomfortable truth here! Why did I cheat? Well, I can’t cook up a feasible theory that doesn’t = “I was a selfish dick,” but clearly I cannot be a selfish dick. So what could the answer be??!!! Mysteries like this course in magic rivers throughout the universe.

OutFromTheShadows
OutFromTheShadows
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Well spotted @UXworld! I saw that one too and immediately equated “cooking up” to just more lies, blame-shifting, anything and everything than taking actual 100% responsibility for it all, which obviously is not going to happen

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I caught that too! “Yes indeed, I am so clever I just toss about poetic sounding dribble and you just eat it up! That’s a good girl! Now don’t undermine my little ploy to keep you on the hook until I decide I may once again grace you with my presence! Choke on this word salad and I’ll be the hero that punches you in the gut. See?? All better now! Make room for me in your lovely new place while I continue to wax philosophical in order to mesmerize you with my words.” ????

Elsa
Elsa
5 years ago

Omg…. exactly —-now I know what hell looks like!

You can’t creating something from nothing…. that’s why there is a difference between what philosopher’s say (meaningful message dressed in beautiful words) and what cheater’s say ( word salad )

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago

Waxing philosophical should at least be interesting and thought provoking. This crap word salad doesn’t even offer that and is incredibly insulting for that reason alone. The guy’s a moron.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago

Yeah, the mask always slips. I caught that, too.
Self-serving drivel. Just like the kind my stbx likes to send.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
5 years ago

The UBT needs some antacid and a long nap! Just Wow. As entertaining as that was to read, I would go ahead and block all avenues of communication from this whackadoodle! I particularly loved the part at the end where he assumes that once he’s “ready” you’ll be hanging around with arms wide open.

C, “you in danger girl!” (Of getting more word salad) Run!

MeowMix
MeowMix
5 years ago

I love you more than anything else in the world…

0+0=0

Fix your picker to like a simpler guy. One who has real tools in his work box, and a manly hobby. Those are the men with a simple, I Loce You and sincere apology and will show they care by making you a jewelry box. Cuz this Christmas time guy has the flowery tongue of a Sade Smooth Operator snake. He uses that crap on lots of females. He’s almost like a woman. Does he wear paisley pattern ties too? Would he like a cat for Christmas?

Rebecca
Rebecca
5 years ago
Reply to  MeowMix

Simple guys with real tools in their toolbox and manly hobbies can be horrible cheaters as well (ask me how I know)!!!
That’s what makes this so damn hard.

Look at who they ARE not what they have.

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Exactly! I don’t think you can fix your picker by electing a certain “type”. It’s a lot more complicated than that. There are all types of bad ones.

I used to say my xh was, “A man’s man” kind of guy. For my shock of a lifetime, it turned out that he really is a “man’s man’ as, he cheated with men too!!! I did it mean it literally, geez! Ugh! Lol

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
5 years ago
Reply to  RoseThorns

Reading about others on CN, it’s apparent that fuckwits come in all types = professors, doctors, philosophers, lawyers, construction workers, electricians, factory workers, & on & on.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

And they can STILL have a hidden double
life. If they are good con artists there is no way to see their secrets. We can only see so much beforehand. I probably should put my newly discovered private investigator superpowers to use upon meeting someone rather than after the cheating is discovered.

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Yup! Fine character comes in all kinds of packages, including some straight men who wouldn’t know a hammer from a nail and who prefer crossword puzzles to motocross. And to complicate matters further, some people aren’t cheaters but STILL manage to be terrible partners (jealous, angry, petty, selfish – ask me how I know). There’s no simple formula for anyone to find a wonderful spouse; however, heeding red (even yellow) flags, taking your time and focusing on character over income or physical traits helps improve our odds.

PathOfTotality
PathOfTotality
5 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

My ex sewed me a dress using newspaper-print fabric, made me a cool bat house, carved wooden letters that spelled my daughter’s name for her bedroom, made wooden soft-cheese knives, made a cradle for his first grandson and constantly eschewed what a simple, man-of-the-Earth type guy he was. He also has high-risk HPV and a penchant for ‘teenage lesbian porn ‘ and no real tools in his relationship-mamagrnent toolbox.

PathOfTotality
PathOfTotality
5 years ago
Reply to  PathOfTotality

Espoused, not eschewed.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago
Reply to  PathOfTotality

How about “eschew the espoused”?

Sausalito
Sausalito
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I agree, you need to look a lot deeper than the surface stuff. STBX is stereotypically manly, what with the sports car, motorcycle racing, speed boat, construction work, and a garage full of tools he actually knows how to use. And when I met him, he owned a cat and a paisley tie. Yet he is a lying cheating POS with anger issues, so the surface characteristics mean very little…

ChumpSaidBuhBye
ChumpSaidBuhBye
5 years ago

Shut that fucker out. He’s spitting out stream of consciousness nonsense hoping that some of it sticks and throws you off balance. He wants your attention and he wants to be acknowledged. To see if he can. He’s testing the boundary to see if he can get a foot in the door. You have to double down on your boundaries and keep him out. None of what he says means anything, it’s just low level mindfucky noise to get you to notice him so he can start the real manipulation campaign. Go total no contact and block all avenues of his contacting you. He can’t mindfuck you if he can’t access you. I had to change my number and go on an epic blocking campaign to keep my ex out. They don’t respect boundaries so you have to enforce them yourself.

Quetzal
Quetzal
5 years ago

Another common narc trait is shown here: every time it feels like he’s almost building up to something nice, he swerves and changes the subject to something more trivial. Like tossing an “anyway”, to wrap up what could pass for a nice sentiment, uncovering the lack of genuinity. It’s brutal how superificial and empty they are.

nomar
nomar
5 years ago

Rob is a wistful wanker, isn’t he?

“Glancing backwards at adulthood?” BACKWARDS?? Please. Dude never left adolescence behind. #Fourteen4ever. He misses you like he misses Metallica concerts and his mother making his bed.

And language like “footfalls” and “Christmastime” and “shuffling succession of days” are just adolescent attempts at verbal sprinkles set atop the factual turd of his cheating. As if his hooker habit was fated and foretold by Gandalf the Wizard. Instead of simply Esther Perel. Who is more like Gollum with a Belgian accent and expensive highlights. Which is WAAAAAAAAY scarier. #NoGoldRingForYou

In a nutshell, ROB is a YOB and a KNOB. So get back to no contact, and finish the JOB.

Diane J. Strickland
Diane J. Strickland
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I think he’s imagining he’s writing dialogue for a movie in which he stars and gets paid a whole lot more than the female who plays his chump.

NotAfraid
NotAfraid
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

“Dude never left adolescence behind. #Fourteen4ever. He misses you like he misses Metallica concerts and his mother making his bed.”

@nomar, I see you’ve met BoyMan. However, you forgot to add that, whether she makes his bed or not, his mother is still not the boss of him. And neither are you. Or anyone else. So there!

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Where is the like button Nomar!

That disjointed prose sounded deranged. Maybe he thought he was coming across deep and sensitive or something.

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago

OMG! Talk about word salad. It’s obvious that this
creep is so into himself. As I was reading the ridiculous message I wanted to vomit!
Please get rid of this loser! He’s definitely a sociopath.
Good luck to you ❤️

OutFromTheShadows
OutFromTheShadows
5 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Tracy, you have to keep this one around in CN as the prime example of Word Salad.

Maybe I shouldn’t say, but it just made me smile then laugh out loud as I read through it all and the wonderful UBT translation (and reminded me yet again from CN, after an annoying lunch-time chat with STBxW who is trying to delay the divorce, that you just need to get away from them; far, far, away)

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago

Never mind the lying and cheating. The letter alone is enough of a reason to enter the witness protection program.

OpheliasNewLife
OpheliasNewLife
5 years ago

Exactly. Creepy, creepy, creepy.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
5 years ago

Took him long enough to get to the point. He wants your lovely home. You are part of the backdrop. Here, put on this costume, clean, cook, pay bills, pander to me and stay out of the way.

I hope you’ve blocked him and gotten an unlisted phone number.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago

“He wants your lovely home.” Well, duh! It’s a place of “easy beauty.” It takes no effort to decorate or clean it – magic fairies do that! His current place has no magic decoration or cleaning fairies and it is so Not Easy. Not easy sucks! Why can’t he go back to LW – the dishes in her house always did themselves and the decor was always somehow matching.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
5 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Exactly, Traffic_Spiral! The phrase “easy beauty” made my jaw clench. He utterly dismisses all the effort she puts into her life and that she, no doubt, put into making their marital home lovely. No doubt everything he does is “hard” and “challenging” and “exhausting,” whereas her labor is just natural and “easy.” Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago

Yep, he wants to secure that future housing option. My thoughts exactly!

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
5 years ago

I almost spit my coffee out with “The crap comes in on little cat’s feet…”

And this is so true:
“I did nameless things without description. ME I did the vague thing(s)! Singular. Plural. Whatever.
I am capable of describing footfalls and dreamy Christmases past — but shit I did to you?
‘It.'”

That says everything… The UBT is right as usual. 🙂

Georgie
Georgie
5 years ago
Reply to  NorthernLight

Yes they minimise blowing up your life by calling cheating, lying and abandonment ‘it’. I got a half-arsed apology a year or so out when my ex said I didn’t deserve ‘it’

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
5 years ago
Reply to  NorthernLight

I found that amazing too.

It… Wow.

susan devlin
susan devlin
5 years ago

My ex said he loved me, why cheat then, I think they say it to get you off their backs. I think they think chumps are toys, play with them than leave them.

NoRainNoFlowers
NoRainNoFlowers
5 years ago

“I hope that I’ll be able to share a life with you someday.”

But until then -prostitutes. Don’t forget to set out the milk and cookies though just in case!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago

Wtf did I just read? I had a hard time reading this, as my eyes kept rolling back in my head (like a firmly tossed football spinning through the air ????)

I literally thought “this guy must have a mental illness!”

LIke CL said, change your number!

M
M
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

“Like a firmly tossed lunch, spinning down the toilet bowl.”

noonenowhere
noonenowhere
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Prostitutes are not free not even on Christmas day. I miss free Christmas and cake.

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  noonenowhere

Nailed it ^

Betrayed Bitch
Betrayed Bitch
5 years ago

Oh Lawd! What kind of drugs is on? I want to know, I want some of those!
Awesome translation because that shit made no sense to me! ????

Kathy
Kathy
5 years ago
Reply to  Betrayed Bitch

Honestly, I’d thought the weirdo had eaten some unidentified mushrooms and hadn’t come down yet!☺

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Betrayed Bitch

Actually, I would avoid whatever drug that is as it clearly messes with the brain.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

I’ve said it before — any cheater who truly does understand the devastating reality of his/her betrayal will be so horrified about what s/he has done to the chump that the idea of approaching the chump, even to attempt to apologize, would be too mortifying for words. The person would stay away from the chump on principle because the idea of bringing more pain to the chump’s life by showing up and being a reminder of that cruelty would seem too selfish, the gesture uselessly small and insignificant.

People who tear your soul apart then have the audacity to beg for forgiveness for the self are extremely immature and self-serving. People who also expect forgiveness on top of all of that are monsters.

Quetzal
Quetzal
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Talking about expecting forgiveness: at the end, my cheater not only felt entitled to “have me back”, he tried to put his foot down, making vague weird requests, because he had been “the one giving the most in our relationship” and now it was up to me to prove I was worthy or something. While it’s true he contributed more financially (as per clear arrangement between us), he said “on other fronts, too”. So I had to finally thank him for the laughter!!!!!

noonenowhere
noonenowhere
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

This is a brilliant comment ami (they all are) but this one resonates with me because it takes a lot to acknowledge harm done to another and then accept that and observe that and change that with no expectations. And then to further go on and learn from that and integrate it into one’s inner self and begin to treat people respectfully. That’s too deep for a cheating narcissist.

noonenowhere
noonenowhere
5 years ago
Reply to  noonenowhere

My Chinese fortune at lunch today said. ” a sincere apology goes a long way.”

WisedUp
WisedUp
5 years ago

This is about as deep as narcissistic self-reflection goes: “I love you more than anything else; the disjunction between that fact and my infidelity is like sitting in a harsh light.” Never owning their actions because they compartmentalize to avoid feeling guilty.

No, you didn’t love her more than anything else; you chose others OVER her, at least three times that she knows of.

It took me years during the marriage, then D-day and five years of recovery to understand that my Ex’s sobbing and tears and poor pitiful me act after his frequent, regular rage meltdowns at me over 16 years, were all about him not wanting to feel like a “bad guy” and not at all about feeling badly for abusing me.

Quetzal
Quetzal
5 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

As my therapist friend told me, typical narc will go to therapy (IF he does) because he hits his wife, and not because he’s feeling sorry for her, but because hitting her simply doesn’t match the image he wants to have of himself. Proof is, if there is any way for him to feel better about it that doesn’t imply reparation attempts, he’ll take it!

Elsa
Elsa
5 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

Wisedup

“about him not wanting to feel like a “bad guy” and not at all about feeling badly for abusing me.”

This is brilliant!!!

I have never thought about it from this perspective… chumps are the best!!!

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

He very well may love her more than anything else in his life (other than himself, obviously) but if the most expensive thing in my house is a $5 thrift store chair, that does not make the chair objectively valuable.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

THIS!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
5 years ago

Oh wow!
I hope I’ll be ready some day? It’s like life just carries him along, he has no idea where. I guess that goes along with being powerless to stop calling up hookers! Oops, I hired one again! Who did that?
Actually, I truly think this X of yours has a deep mental illness, but it’s too bad that he won’t get any help, because he thinks he’s fine. I hope he stays away from you!
He had his chance, and he sure blew it.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago

This idiot needs a footfall in the ass.

Queztal
Queztal
5 years ago

Ahahahahah this is perfect!!!!

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago

I think the UBT just delivered one!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago

For the win!

Chumperella
Chumperella
5 years ago

???? Succinct, but perfect.

cashmere
cashmere
5 years ago

I remember taking classes in grad school with assorted people who sounded just like this, and were generally on like the 15th year of eternally grad studenting.

Like them, this person should never write.

????

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

I think the cheater-writer should enter the Bulwer-Lytton contest; he’s a sure winner. “It was a dark and stormy night…..”

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“It was a dark and stormy night…..oh, wait, that is her vagina….nevermind!”

cashmere
cashmere
5 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Dying. ????????

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
5 years ago

LOL!

I wonder what he enjoys more: mentally jerking-off to his own, perceived eloquence or jerking-off inside a prostitute?

Alas, no shits are to be given. He tarries in his serpentine devotion forthwith… there are more vacuous, solicitous letters to be filled with garrulous professions of love. Another day, another girl, another pang of mooch-lust to satisfy. Armed with a box of tissues and a dictionary, *someone* will bite.

But it won’t be a member of Chump Nation.

Quetzal
Quetzal
5 years ago

it doesn’t matter in the end, because SQUIRREL !!

Chumperella
Chumperella
5 years ago

Both. Bet anything he blathers his pretentious stream-of-conciousness. noise incessantly while fucking hookers. They charge him extra and wear earplugs.

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

Hahahahaha. Hilarious visual.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago

TL;DR: “Remember Christmas as a kid? Where all these awesome things like food, presents, tinsel, relatives, and parties, just showed up without any work on your part – not even awareness of the money, cooking, decorating, hosting, planning, shopping, and cleaning that went into it? That was awesome. I think of you the same way – not really as a person, but as a thing that was really nice to have around.
You made all this awesome stuff happen for me, while I clapped my hands and stuffed my face like a greedy child, tearing open presents, dumping the wrapping to one side, the present to the other, barely nodding a thank-you to whomever gave it, before grabbing the next one! Yeah, good times.

I can’t find a way to explain why I cheated on you without admitting I was a douche, so why I cheated must remain a mystery for now. But assuming I do ever manage to come up with that explanation, would you be willing to hear it? See, life’s not as fun without someone else doing all the adulting that makes my perpetual Childhood Christmas possible, and I was thinking that once I get bored of all this sleeping around, it might be nice to have you back to cook, clean, support, and care for me.

Please continue to be my backup plan. I’ll write you extensive navel-gazing poetry about how my inability for introspection.

Love, Douche.

no-way
no-way
5 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Oh this is so true!!

susan devlin
susan devlin
5 years ago

I don’t know why exs think they can cheat, then come back, my exs latest girlfriend, was smirking at me, bet he didn’t tell her, consistently he tried to get back with me, I counted them, 40 times and she was smirking at me on Saturday. The crap I used to take from him. I maintain no contact, only contact about kids.

Chumperella
Chumperella
5 years ago

My letter to this pretentious creep;

Dearest Sir Blowsalot,

I feel your essence. The narcissistic windbaggery is visceral, as though it were a deranged rabbit hopping frenetically across the gorge, which is rapidly rising. The foggy mirror clears, the hazy veil of time lifts, and I am back to Halloween when I was a child, wearing my all time favorite Dracula costume with fake fangs and scaring my little brother. Then I got older and grew real fangs. Want to see them? Come down to my English basement anytime, douchenozzle.

Love ya!

Chumpluscious
Chumpluscious
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

Brilliant!!!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

Freaking hilarious! My laughing just woke up the neighbors!

Chump Lady: come for the insanity; stay for the hilarity. When I came here I was crying and now I am laughing out loud. Proof of the healing superpowers of CL and CN.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

????

MPFS channeler!

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

HAHAHAHA!!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

huh?????????????????????????????????

Attie
Attie
5 years ago

Move over William Shakespeare! This guy wanks to his own words obviously. It’s like google translate translating from English into Romansch and then expecting to win the Booker Prize. Good lord, that crap was funny!

LostMyRiseColored Glasses
LostMyRiseColored Glasses
5 years ago

This is a poster for gaslighting wrapped up in pretty words. My mind lost the ability to reason out what he was saying after the first few sentences. How do you process this dysfunction with out CL’s guidance?! He’s baiting the line and waiting for a nibble. Ready to reel you in. And the play on the upcoming holidays shows the supreme ability to manipulate. Direct hit on the most vulnerable of times. This a whole new level of crazy.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago

I read half of it and then cherrypicked the parts that expose him utterly.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

You got farther than I did.

LostMyRoseColoredGkasses
LostMyRoseColoredGkasses
5 years ago

*Rose

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago

Dear C,
Run,
do all the things the experienced Chumps tell you to do.

This could be YOU!
Walking along thinking, wonder if it will rain later today?
Oh dear I just stepped in dog shit, not even gonna try to clean it off , ( takes shoe off and throws it away),
Naw not worth the effort,
Now, back to wondering about the weather and what shall I cook for supper, for me, for me alone!
Something yummy!
(Just saying)!
A triumphant HA!

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

LMAO

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
5 years ago

It is funny he compares her to Christmas, a time in your life that the illusion of a man (who does not exist) is giving and love that visits your house and brings happiness. When it is most special when the lie is being believed and never the same after the lie is uncovered. (no Santa, no real husband??)

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago
Reply to  TheBestMe

And Christmas as a child – where you do nothing but take while the adults work to make everything happen.

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago

Like others have pointed and CL stressed, this drivel is nothing more than a ploy to keep the contact channel open and to keep you hopefully waiting in the wings if he ever decided to grace you with his presence. PUKE!!

Cut that horseshit off!!!!! Go no contact, block his email, social media and phone. That nonsense was all about him and nothing about showing any remorse for his actions or how he hurt you. Good riddance.

txmmw
txmmw
5 years ago

RUN!! Don’t look back as this is one huge DUMB ASS!! Seriously did he really come up with that pile of shit or did he just copy, paste from some other site. I’m with Dudders I started heaving but couldn’t stop laughing at this asshole. The saddest part is he really believes his own dribble.

NotAfraid
NotAfraid
5 years ago

This? From the “I miss you greatly” (although he might have said “muchly” to be cutesy) to the “pondering” and the “bend from the tow of time” could have been written by the nightmare X before BoyMan. As @Cashmere said, there’s a certain flavor of word salad dished up by knuckleheads trying to sound intellectual. C, block him and run!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
5 years ago

What word salad!

It’s time to go No Contact, the path to the truth and the light! Go into the light. There is peace in the light.

If you don’t, you’ll spend the rest of your days pondering ranch, Russian or thousand island dressing?

The choice is clear. Either you get this loser out of your life or spend the rest of your days sticking up on croutons and bacon bits.

Carol39
Carol39
5 years ago

I like childhood Christmas. Where everyone gives you presents and you don’t have to give them any presents, because you’re six, and fabulous for Just Being YOU.

Can’t we all go back to that?

My Cheater was exactly like this. He always wanted to have a splendid Christmas, and he was always disappointed, and he would talk on and on about how much more magical Christmas seemed when he was a child, and why couldn’t we do that? He kept pressuring me to reproduce his exact childhood Christmas, including the kind of Christmas lights he had as a child and so on. He complained about how much it robbed his joy to have to buy a tree, put up decorations, buy presents…

I finally pointed out to him that of course Christmas was more thrilling when he was a kid–because all he did was wake up Christmas morning to find the house decorated and presents under the tree. Adult Christmas is quite a lot of work and quite a lot of money if you want to do it up big. Or you can do something small and cheaper. But you can’t have a big, beautiful Christmas with lots of presents and decorations unless you are willing to shop, decorate, wrap, bake, spend, and clean up.

It’s weird to have to tell a grown man that.

Sausalito
Sausalito
5 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

Assholio was the same way. Once we had kids, he got depressed and mopey around Christmas because he was no longer the center of attention. God forbid he would even attempt to make it special for them; that was all up to me.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

I was worried about Christmas this year as it will be the first since he left.

Then I remembered how I do everything, except the house lights, which are simple and I always help him with. Which I can now do easily myself.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

My ex hated Christmas too because it was so much work. The kids referred him to Scrooge and he went around saying Bah Humbug.

Carol39
Carol39
5 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

Tried to put the first few lines as a quote and failed…

paigeup
paigeup
5 years ago

Dear Thesaurus Boy,
I writhe like the woman burning with her books in Fahrenheit 451. I have grown so much, even I can smell the anus this bullshit came from.
Thank God & CL for nurturing immunity to your drivel.
Sincerely,
You’re Forever Blocked & I’ve Totally Moved On

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

I love this post.

Let go
Let go
5 years ago

It was a dark and stormy night. Wait. Wrong thing. How do I love thee? I gotta have another puff of this stuff I am smoking. Thoughts are just rambling through my mind. Ok. Fixed. Dear C. Uh,

Was this English? I recognize all the words, but sentences?

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago
Reply to  Let go

Let go, me too! I started to question Dementia on my part, I recognize the words but none of this made sense! LOL! Now where did I leave my car keys?

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

I vote for Wernicke’s aphasia.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOL! How funny you say that……I’m headed out in a few FOR a few to St. Pete.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
5 years ago

Yikes, this puts regular word salad to shame. Obviously, his goal is to confuse and camouflage, never to clarify! Open mouth = Pedantic Drivel.

If he had the slightest inkling of morality, sincerity and humility, and truly wanted this woman back, he could’ve done what adults do… they communicate in clear and concise terms, such as:

“I was wrong.”
“I’m sorry for (fill in offense).”
“I’m ashamed of what I’ve done.”
“I’ve put you through hell.”
“I’ve disrespected you.”
“What can I do to earn your trust?”
“This will never happen again.”
“I’m in counseling because I need help.”

Oops, I almost forgot that smug, disordered, immature, abusive, self-absorbed cheaters aren’t like the rest of us. Never mind…

P.S. This lady needs to find out which of her “friends” ratted out her address to him, and block them!

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

It may not have been a public announcement. When property exchanges hands, it’s often listed in the newspaper. He may have seen it.

But I’m willing to bet he’s stalking her in some manner.

Meg
Meg
5 years ago

I love the UBT! I couldn’t even begin to wade through all the word salad- I got stuck counting all the “I’s” and “me’s” embedded. Whenever I read the cheater letters to CL, the only thing I think is they are delusional, and there is no “there” there. If a dick could talk, this is what they would say.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago

Run like your hair is on fire. This was all dealt with back at the beginning of this blog, with The Unified Theory of Cake – Chump Nation’s equivalent of the Book of Genesis.

https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

In fact, there are a series of core posts which are really our Talmud, our Pentateuch, our Book of the Law. This is probably The Book of Exodus:

https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/

threetimesachump
threetimesachump
5 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Thanks LG! I’m sending these links to my bff who is five years deep into hardcore chumpdom and spackling with your typical abusive cheating narc! I would also like to send her the best Hoovering link…any ideas?! Thanks!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago
katiedidnt
katiedidnt
5 years ago

He’s right about one thing- he is obvious and weird all right.

Don’t let this moron destroy this or any Christmas. Ever.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
5 years ago

Wow. “Things bend from the tow of time.”
What is it about these people and melodramatic self-centered reflection e-mails? They think everything they’ve done is some special, world-changing event worthy of study in a college English class. They seem to have some standard template to write this “Eat, Pray, Love” glop. And in all of them, you, the chump, are thanked for being a cog in their great wheel of self-discovery. It’s a shame you got hurt, but hey, you did help me reach a new level of consciousness about myself. Isn’t that all worth it?

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
5 years ago

The best way to help this man-child grow up is for him to face the consequences of his actions/behavior: no more cake, no easy-beauty-home, no Santa for him. No contact from you, the pain of divorce.

Maybe, someday, he WILL grow up, though I have serious doubts. He will probably just find another chump to mother him while he goes off in pursuit of a hypotenuse.

And you can enjoy the beauty of your English basement without the agony of being the marriage police to an adolescent in adult clothing.

lil_Kim
lil_Kim
5 years ago

This sure looks like someone was EXTREMELY high when they wrote this.

Fireball
Fireball
5 years ago

What a load of crap ….. who in their right mind would be attracted to that??? Probably most of those lines are plagiarized, we all know how cheaters lie about EVERYTHING.

My take is he is simply needing somewhere to live, besides his mind. Gawd to be stuck in that mind!

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
5 years ago

Hey, C! Is he a drummer?

Q. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Creativerational
Creativerational
5 years ago

Gold

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

lol!

Rally Squirrel
Rally Squirrel
5 years ago

Gosh, this reminds me of something. Oh, I know. It’s when I was in my early 20s and wrote a letter to an ailing Laurence Olivier about how much I admired him. But instead of saying that I would have liked to have been old enough to have seen him on stage, I described our age difference as “Chance’s hand in the particulars of our nativity.”

Yep. Folded it, slapped a stamp on it and mailed it right off.

At the time I was so in love with that line — and so badly wanted to impress that Shakespearean actor — that I refused to take it out of the letter, even when others gently suggested that maybe I rethink it.

C, your ex could not possibly love anything or anyone more than he loves his self-perceived gloriousness with words. It’s obvious how hugely impressed he is with himself about it. I guarantee he thinks his extraordinary gift with language (barf) holds some kind of magic. And maybe it does. He’s probably had good luck with it as a tool for manipulating women.

But not you, honey. Keep his hand out of your particulars and enjoy that lovely English basement.

Nicelutherangirl
Nicelutherangirl
5 years ago

Oh, for the love of coal and switches, I’ve only read the first paragraph of the letter and had to stop to breath some fresh air. What a self-absorbed, deluded windbag.

Arnold
Arnold
5 years ago

Yikes, someone should administer a sound beating to this guy. Might have to fight through the Petulie oil fumes, take off his beret, and make sure he does not try to belt you with his man purse , though.

Nicelutherangirl
Nicelutherangirl
5 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Beret! Man purse! ROTFL!!

And “petulie”? Pretty nifty misspelling, intentional or not. It’s like a cross between “patchouli” (which was spot on, by the way, like CL’s reference to clove cigarettes) and “petulant”, which is what Idiot is likely to be if he doesn’t get to move into that nice English basement…

Arnold
Arnold
5 years ago

Yeah, I could not figure out the spelling ,so just went with a best guess.
I know I have said this before re the word salad, but, as others have noted, these types seem particularly well represented in the cheater world.
I am sure it is related to thinking they are more evolved, which also manifests itself with their claims that “it is complicated’, (which translates to ‘you and the peasantry like you, cannot begin to fathom what it is like to be so gifted and more highly evolved are not entitled to more than one partner. But, I am as I am so complex etc.” )
Seriously, this type of writing is very common with these NPD’s. And, they seem to draw a following of weak minded admirers who really believe they are all that and worship them.
My XW was great at this.

Elsa
Elsa
5 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Arnold

You nailed it! The superiority is a big factor of the whole “ complexity” narrative…
Oh, it’s complicated, you won’t understand, it’s not black and white…

In reality it is very simple: in order to appreciate and live by certain values and moral standards, person has to have ability, willingness, and restrain to do so.
Chumps know that instinctively, we live by our moral codes;

So nope, the whole idea of a grey space is just a bs for them to hide in. Time to stop arguing with stupid

Duddersgetschumped
Duddersgetschumped
5 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Funnily enough reading this today first made me laugh and then made me think of some of the frankly ludicrous self-aggrandising thing my ex said and although I knew they were proposeteroua you have to see sometimes an equivalence to understand it. So many stupid statements but when you truly think you are on a higher plane. I was accusing him of having harboured some pretty serious resentments over 14 plus years of now the end suddenly everything it seemed had been wrong ‘for years’ and he said something like. I don’t harbour resentments it’s just that I feel things very deeply, the highs and the lows, MY life is very expereriental. What a dickhead. The poetry he wrote to her was age 14 angst standard at best and all my mates have had a good laugh at it. A man child, let’s hope she is otter vacuous to buy into all this. At least I can say he was never like that we me or I would have fled to the hills but then again, I didn’t nourish his soul apparently.