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UBT: “I Don’t Mean to Worry You, But…”

Dear Chump Lady,

My (now ex-) husband of 23 years (together since we were both 16 at school, so 31 years in total) began behaving strangely. One night while he was sleeping, I crept around his side of the bed to check out his phone and found, to my horror, that he was engaging in lewd conversations with men and was on Grindr and Scruff, gay hook-up sites.

I kept quiet for a few weeks to gather more information, and then when I couldn’t take it anymore, I confronted him.

He told me he thought he was bisexual and told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was going to go out there and look for a man whether I liked it or not. I was completely shocked and blindsided by this and played the pick-me dance for two years with this lying, cheating knob-head. God knows what this guy had been up to all these years, as he was a ‘house husband (stay at home dad)’ for almost 18 years, while I went out to work. Anyway, the trauma and horror of the last few years is finally starting to subside and me, being a very weak chump, thought it best to ‘stay friends’ with this idiot and father of our three grown up children (21, 19 & 17).

However, it wasn’t doing me any favours still being in constant contact with him, as he loved to give me a blow-by-blow (forgive the pun) account of his life with his new male partner; his holidays, his new car, trips to the theatre, days out and the fact that he is buying a new property, although he left the kids and me homeless after our divorce. (I’m not technically homeless, but I don’t own half of my lovely 3 bed semi-detached house anymore as I had to split the costs with him! This didn’t leave me enough money to buy a property that would house me and the kids, so now I rent. However it was enough for him to buy a new apartment with his new man.)

Anyway, long story short, I decided a month ago (I know, I took my time!) to go no contact. Oh my gosh, what a joy!! It’s one of those things that you don’t know how much pleasure it is going to give you until you try it. I have completely changed in the last four weeks from a distressed, anxious, unhappy, miserable human being into just being miserable. It is a revelation!

So anyway, last night I received this message from him. I thought you might want to fire up the UBT for this one and let me know what exactly it is that he wants from me!

Simone, I need you to know as you always have told me how you feel and how things have affected you, how I have spiralled out of control in the last few weeks since you asked me not to have contact.

I tell you this, not to worry you, or guilt you in any way, but as the father of our children and because I am truly at my wits end.

I have been desperately ill for 3 weeks now and in this time I have worked 2 days, stupidly pushing myself because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I have been in hospital, to Dr’s and what has killed me the most is my lack of sleep.

I can count on one hand the amount of sleep I’ve had.

In the time of my illness and as I write this now I’m in bed alone for fear of disturbing or being disturbed.

It has affected me so badly that I almost crashed my car in my own driveway, hence why I haven’t been to work.

I have tried herbal pills and been given Valium and diazepam by a client but don’t want to take them for fear of not waking up.

I’m booked in to see a hypnotherapist next Monday, but even if this does help, that still means another week with me trying to avoid sleep.

Is this silence helping you?

I don’t expect any sympathy or help.

I just need you to know what’s happening.

Dear Simone,

Well, this is rich. A guy who’s been hooking up with online randos for years and exposing you to God knows what, wants you to be concerned about his health?

Isn’t there yet a med-alert for fuckwits? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t manipulate anyone! 

The mindfuck channels are — rage, charm, self-pity. I suppose sharing his vacation photos with you was his idea of “charm,” now the dial is firmly set at self-pity, sad sausage. And if you keep rocking the no contact (ROCK ON SIMONE!), he’ll probably flip to anger. He misses his wife and mummy appliance. Since you left, there’s been this horrible mention of a job. A job he had to work an entire two days.

Yeah, sounds like paradise there with the New Man. I bet his chump learning curve will be a lot shorter than yours. And your ex is trying to line you up as Plan B.

Happy to wake the UBT from its long turkey day slumber (“Erp”) and fire up the transponders.

Simone, I need you to know, as you always have told me how you feel, and how things have affected you, how I have spiralled out of control in the last few weeks since you asked me not to have contact.

Simone, I need you to know this no contact is alarming. You used to tell me how you feel and I demonstrably didn’t give a shit. But you demonstrably not giving a shit is unacceptable.

Since you asked me not to have contact — I’m contacting you.

I tell you this, not to worry you, or guilt you in any way, but as the father of our children and because I am truly at my wits end.

I tell you this to worry and guilt you. I have no cake. No warm place to cruise Grindr while you’re at your job. No Mummy to do all the adulting. HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME WITH A MAN WHO INSISTS THAT I WORK?

I have been desperately ill for 3 weeks now and in this time I have worked 2 days, stupidly pushing myself because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Out of 15 workdays, I’ve been absent 13. #pushingmyself #neardeath #wheresmymimosa

I have been in hospital, to Dr’s and what has killed me the most is my lack of sleep.

What has killed me the most is DaddyBear14’s dick pics. See how well you function staying up past 3 a.m. chatting on Scruff.

I can count on one hand the amount of sleep I’ve had.

This is all your fault. You would’ve never made me get out of bed the next morning.

In the time of my illness and as I write this now I’m in bed alone for fear of disturbing or being disturbed.

I am disturbed. Just a sad man in his Time of Illness, too feeble to write his Last Will and Testament. But summoning the strength to text his ex. DO NOT DISTURB ME! I must tell her of my sufferings. She will come to my bedside with succor and Ovaltine. And maybe a bank draft.

It has affected me so badly that I almost crashed my car in my own driveway, hence why I haven’t been to work.

Yes, I almost crashed my car within a distance of 20 feet. In my own driveway. With obstacles like turning on the ignition.

Like I said, ALMOST. I considered hurdling headlong into the Throgmorton’s bank of hydrangeas. There but for an angel.

I have tried herbal pills and been given Valium and diazepam by a client but don’t want to take them for fear of not waking up.

Don’t make me reach for the chamomile, Simone.

It’s Sleepy Time Forever then. And wouldn’t you be happy?

I’m booked in to see a hypnotherapist next Monday, but even if this does help, that still means another week with me trying to avoid sleep.

I’m booked in to see a hypnotherapist. That still means I’m a manipulative, shitheel, loser. But if he snaps his fingers three times, I’m also a duck.

Is this silence helping you?

Do you have a need? That’s unacceptable. ALL ATTENTION BACK ON ME. #helping

I don’t expect any sympathy or help.

I expect sympathy and help.

I just need you to know what’s happening.

I just need to move the levers of your guilt. Fuck you for shutting me out.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • This, DM, this.

      I never cease to wonder at how entitled people can be. And can we even imagine cheater’s face as he wrote this glorious piece for the UBT??

      Thanks Simone. I knew may day would start off with a good belly laugh when I started reading your letter to CL. My endorphins are really high now. And I bet the UBT has finished digesting all that turkey.

      But, really, I can imagine your pain when you saw that phone. Three children. Please stay NC, this jerk has never deserved you. It’s bad enough that chumps like us feel so stupid after D-Day. Take care!

      • And, from our fellow chump Nomar, further down on the posts: “#wheresmymimosa FTW, CL😄”

        More belly laughs

    • SUCH a typical cheater! I’m so sorry for your pain Simone, and everyone else on this site that has shared their horror story. I just wanted to add that a broken moral compass is not excused by homosexuality. Since high school I was pretty sure I was equally attracted to women and men. It’s different for everyone, but a clue for me was I never went through a raging hormone phase (or boy crazy). I never felt like I needed to ‘explore’ anything nessisarily, but when I took a liking to someone, ALL my focus was on them. I never signal to others my availability. I still function that way. My marriage was far from perfect, but I showed up everyday fully committed and struggled through some days, felt love and compassion’s other days, cried and pleaded others, but I was IN it and would have stayed that way if evidence hadn’t presented itself to show me he was NOT in it but had checked out and was checking out a heafty host of 20-something women (some of them MY students, some moms at our sons school).

    • Yep. This is what bothers me about my cheater the most. That it is all about him. How bad HE feels about everything that has been happening. This is the one thing that I have the hardest time to get over. That even in all the pain that he caused me, it is just about him.

  • I finally went no contact too after my cheating gay confused ex wanted to remain “friends”. Best thing ever. Stay strong. These “confused” men don’t understand the pain they cause dragging us through through their closeted mud.

    • Sounds like you found the Straight Spouse network if I can infer anything from your online screen name.

      If not, I highly recommend finding a local chapter. I will be attending my 2nd one tonight. Being unknowingly married to a closeted gay/bi husband, takes the “cheating” betrayal levels deeper. I know understand they say “bi” because it is generally more acceptable than to say gay. One sure way of knowing is that if your sex sucked during the marriage, they are gay. A truly bi spouse would have interest in you when sex did occur. (Not to be mistaken for a bi who really no longer wanted the relationship.) If they really love sex with both sexes and can still get cake at home, they do and it’s usually still ok. Gays, OTOH, really don’t want any contact and sex with them starts to feel like you’re a prostitute.

      Your post is spot on. I used to be metza-metza with the LGB movement but now realize that while the “confused” find themselves and have a support network for coming out, the straight spouses are left in the wake of their destruction when closeted spouses marry straight spouses knowing fully well they are at odds with themselves. There is nothing to cheer for there.

      • @neveragain; Hm, I’ll have to look into the Straight Spouse Network. Thanks for sharing the info.

        You’re so right about adding the gay/bi thing into the mix takes their cheating & betrayal to an even deeper (more mind blowing) level. The shock factor is significantly intensified as well.

        It’s hard to find support as most people have a hard time comprehending that this could of happened without the wife having had clues. Thus, many end up assuming you’re just a resentful bitter ex making up stories, even when you have proof. Hell, I don’t blame them because I still have a hard time believing it, let alone understanding it, years later.

    • BAM wasn’t a bit confused. He knew he wanted both genders and knew no woman alive would agree to it. So he chose to lie about it and sneak around and cheat constantly for 30 years. Friends? I think not.

  • Is being homosexual a ‘get out of jail free’ card for cheating a marriage? I feel that people think it is. Society has this ‘accept our gay’ lifestyle, and I get that. I have LGBT co-workers, friends… But, the lifestyle choice of lying, cheating, deception, taking the rug out of your non-LGBT partner and totally disrupting their life without remorse… is sick.

    Continue no-contact or grey contact. He’ll go after the kids next, to get to you. So, you might want to prepare them for your reasons…. But, you can’t argue or reason with him.

    (I bet his male lover ditched him…)

    • This. My sentiments as I deal with this now. Married 25+ yrs, together 30. He did this to his first wife I now know since I contacted her. She now feels relieved and just recently got married once she realized her marriage to him was HIS fault. She’d been blaming herself for years.

      If I had known what he did to her, I never would have married him!

      He led a double life with me for 30 fucking years, and I didn’t even know it. I feel so stupid. I’m in trauma therapy trying to work this out. Still stuck on “stupid”. I thought he was gay over the years but what a ridiculous notion! Right? I even told him a few times that certain things he did in the house made me feel uncomfortable – my gut was trying to tell me something and I was pushing it aside. “Stupid”

      • You’re not at all stupid. It was a deception that he chose to continue, even though when it lead to the end of his first marriage, he had the choice to get himself together and live his life honestly, but no, he decided to deceive you and use you as a cover for carrying on a closeted lifestyle. You can see the damage it did to his first wife, doubting herself, please give yourself permission to realise that she is probably a normal, intelligent person, just like yourself, that has expectations that people around her, especially in an intimate relationship, are acting with veracity and in good faith in their actions. Don’t waste your time wondering how you could be so ‘stupid’, he was sneaky and underhanded, and in a normal relationship you don’t need to test a relationship by going around trying to catch people out in a lie, so you didn’t and he took advantage of that. He’s the fucked up one, not you!

        • I agree with Stig! Deceived is not the same as stupid.
          Please don’t say you were stupid, that’s blaming the victim for what the perpetrator did to them.

    • I’m friends with s man who wad gay and could no longer remain in his relationship. He saw a therapist and told his wife and children the truth.

      He supported her financially and they remained close friends until she died suddenly from cancer.

      That is what honorable loving adults do. Cheaters chose to harm when they lead a double life. No excuses.

      Poor baby. Ignore him. If he wants to contact his children it’s up to him.

      • This. One of my friends in grad school was married to his high school sweetheart. Their child was 3 years old before my friend came out as gay. He wasn’t cheating on anyone. He realized, though, that he was a deeply closeted gay man. He did the honorable thing and let his wife know.

        I think this must have been so very painful for her. I cannot even imagine what she went through.

        But he didn’t cheat. He didn’t use her as a cover. I am sure that it would have been easier on him if he had done so, but he had integrity and told the hard truth.

      • Exactly, DoingMe. It’s possible for someone to be very late coming to terms with sexual orientation but yet–YET!–acknowledging that this might come as a shock to their family and that they still have legal, moral, and financial obligations to that family.

        Disordered is as disordered does. The kind of person–gay, straight or in transition–who leaves his family destitute and evades responsibility and cries “me, me, me” at every turn has a character disorder. And those are people who have already demonstrated that they aren’t a “friend” to the person they’ve betrayed.

        • And I will add the amount of respect this man had for the wife and mother of his children was shown in her obituary. He was named as her loving husband.

          This isn’t a gay issue. It’s about the ability to be humble, respectful and honest.

          • Love this. Thanks for sharing/reminding us that orientation isn’t ever the issue; it’s always ONLY character and integrity, or one’s lack of.

    • I think that in the past there was a greater tolerance because being openly gay wasn’t as much of an option. Now there’s really no excuse.

      • It’s not coming to terms with sexuality. In some families, in some communities, it’s still not easy to be “out.” I teach college kids, so I have a lot of observer data on this issue. It’s how people treat others as they come to a clearer position on who they are. If they discard others, evade responsibility, or expect others to hang around regardless of how they are treated, that’s character disorder, not “coming out.”

    • I’m bi and never cheated.
      Why? Because that’s who I am – unknown, character, values and all other bs.
      My husband cheated with whoever he felt like it not because he was gay, bi, straight- but because he didn’t give a shit about me.
      Maybe straight chumps are believing the whole story of “ I’m sorry, I cheated because I’m bi or a closet gay” – because they are straight and not getting it.
      My fellow chumps- it’s very simple- sexual orientation has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with cheating.
      Shitty character is 100% to blame

    • If you’re sociopathic enough it is. Poor you, having to live a lie, not free to be your true self, and if your chump says anything they’re homo/biphobic.

    • Fucks wits come in all shapes, sizes, ages, genders, sexualities, and religions. Being gay doesn’t exclude you from being a prick, which this guy clearly is, and a LAZY prick at that. I totally agree with what you’re saying. Society has this “well they cheated on you, but it’s because they’re gay so we have to cut them some slack.” No slack! They need to leave the relationship and figure out life without being a wrecking ball to everyone around them. The same principle should apply, gay or straight.

  • “Isn’t there yet a med-alert for fuckwits? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t manipulate anyone!”

    BRILLIANT, Tracy, BRILLIANT!

    yes, I’m screaming!

  • What a lazy, selfish, dishonest flake/hypochondriac/drama queen/mobile pity party/hot mess/loser. If a hair dryer had a setting called “WHINE,” it would sound like this guy. Though instead of blowing, your ex epically SUCKS.

    You are well rid of him, Simone, along with his Grindr buddies, his date reports, his car insurance premiums, and his hypnotherapist bills, too. Remain no contact, and your life will continue to improve! ((Simone))

    Also, #wheresmymimosa FTW, CL😄

  • Ah yes, the telling “I just need you to know what’s happening” as opposed to “You need to know what’s happening” …
    Simone does NOT need to know and she knows it now. Yay Simone!!! 😀🎇✌

    • This. My cheating ex (once he got kicked to the curb) kept reaching out to me ostensibly to see how we were doing, but really all of his emails were filled with information about what HE was doing…I wasn’t asking, but it seemed very important for him to tell me.

      Let me get this straight…I go no contact because I don’t want to hear from you, you reach out to me (defy the no contact)…to tell me about YOU? Why bother? Just let me alone. Email someone else who gives a fuck about you and your life. Why do you think I care about what you are doing? You are doing this just to hurt me. I see that now.

      • HM yep. That’s Centrality Central. My ex hasn’t emailed or texted and I’ve stayed grey rock but being a kind person who cares about people I do talk to him (listen to his grouses) about work sometimes when he’s over to see the kids. And now I can spot the charm channel, it doesn’t get to me. But at least he has respected my privacy and dignity, your ex hasn’t. It just shows that he still thinks he has some influence over you/is entitled enough to think you’re interested. Trouble is, why should we go to all the trouble of getting a new email address?? Stay strong! X

        • They are so fully immersed in their own importance that they can’t conceive of anyone else’s perspective. He probably can’t wrap his head around the idea that the minutia of his life aren’t your concern any more.

          My XW has AP on a hook so she doesn’t need me for this stuff (for which I’m thankful) but every once in a while I end up speaking with her – she consistently amazes me with how self-centered she is. We met up a few weeks ago because she was trying to convince me to move with her. I was expecting her to spin the move as good for the kids and good for me (I’d be closer to my parents) but she spent the entire time talking about how it would advance her career and make her LDR with the AP less difficult. In retrospect it was amusing: she *must* convince me to move voluntarily because she has essentially zero chance of taking the kids away, but *even then* she can’t comprehend another person’s perspective for the 10 minutes it would take to try to make an argument that would appeal to me or the kids.

          • i know what you mean. i also talked to wasband every once in a while. (usually when he and the troll are “having issues” and/or “broken up” as she will not let him talk to me or our 2 boys).. .. .. so maybe once a year.

            the last time was june, 2018. he called to ask me to tell his boys that he will always love them. i foolishly thought he was suicidal (he attempted suicide in 2016) especially since i allowed my youngest to answer my cell as soon as i saw who was calling. so he had to tell the littlest to give mom the phone so he could as me to tell his boys that he loves them… .. *slaps forehead* i offered to take the boys on a 90 minutes drive to another town to visit him the following weekend.. ..

            –during that time, he attempted several times to tell me how badly she treats him. how she puts him down and abuses him. (and she really does, she beats and hits him, throws bottles at his face, belittles him in front of her friends). .. . not once in the whole 5 hours did he ask about us. he did not ask about the boys health, or school or needs or just what have they been doing. i had scars all over my arms, hands and face due to my daughter accidently splashing very hot bacon greese. .. he never even asked what they were or how it happened.. . (although the boys pointed it out to him). .. .. *even then* he cant comprehend another person perspective.. .. .. i found it amusing because 1. i realized that is how he must have sounded when he was telling HER how badly i treated him (only i really did not treat him badly) and 2. i already knew more then what he whining about anyways.. .. oh and 3. my boys and i really do not care because we have our own problems to deal with.. .. .

            although i see right thru his poor me stories and his victimhood, i see right thru his charm and pity channel. and it no longer works on me. it actually boggles my mind how self-centered he is but also how incredibly dumb this guy is. just amazing i never noticed it before. All i can say is i am so super happy that i do not have to deal with his crazy and toxic behaviors anymore.

            he ended up going back to the troll at the beginning of july and we have not heard from him again this year. i recently heard they broke up “for real” this time and he is homeless, living in an abandoned house with his crackhead sister. .. . he has options. he has 2 other sisters that he could move in with. apparently he WANTS to live in an abandoned house.. .. *shrugs* not my problem. not my worry.

            life is good on the other side.

            • He’s a grown adult and you don’t know what’s going on between him and troll other than what he tells you. “She won’t let me see the kids cos she’s so abusive” is much better than “I can’t be bothered to parent my children”.

              • actually, i really DO know whats going on between him and the troll .. .. i know more then what he tried to tell me. .. . however, you do have a good point.. ..

                if he wanted to be in his childrens lives then he would be. i mean it goes against my rules and boundaries that my husband hangs up and has sex with some other woman and yet he found time and effort to do that. .. . i wont let him do it but he did it anyway… ..

                so ya, i know what you are saying. ironically, now that he and she have “broken up for real” he has not tried to contact the boys at all… .. makes me wonder if his feable attempts before were just to get her jumping thru hoops to keep him from “going back to his ex wife”. for the past 2 years i have a feeling that he was telling his troll that i was “chasing him” and i “wanted him back” to make her feel insecure and make her work “harder” at keeping him.. ..

                it baffles me why she hates me so much plus at least once a year she has one of her friends or relatives attack me via facebook (i have her and all her many accounts blocked so the only way she can see my facebook is thru someone i dont know and havent blocked yet. althought she continues to make new accounts, i block up as some as facebook puts her in my suggested friends because if you search someone profile facebook automatically thinks you are friends and will post you on the suggested friends page.)

  • It’s not what I did.

    And it’s not your reaction to it.

    It’s my reaction to your reaction…

    …and my reaction is to describe insomnia in the most melodramatic terms imaginable. Because no one else has ever experienced insomnia. Not like I’m experiencing it. Because I’m special. A unique flower. You couldn’t understand. You’d better sympathize with my pity party. Or else I will get even less sleep!!! Boo hoo hoo!

    What a fucking loser.

    • After losing 41 pounds the Limited said, “See, you’re doing much better”

      He equated my loss of weight as an indication of happiness. It took almost a year to sleep five hours.

      As my grandmother said, “You can lose weight; you can’t change ugly”.

      Cheaters don’t get a character implant.

      We’re not the cure. Which begs the question, what’s wrong with him? Suggest the psych ward.

  • This either begs for blocking him (if you find this email disturbed or triggered you) or else, if you are truly at Meh, settle back with that chamomile tea as the fodder for the UBT rolls in and enjoy the fact that you have reclaimed your power.

    • either way NO CONTACT.. … do not reply back to him explaining that you do not give a shit. nor explain what the definition of NO CONTACT means.

      just smile and know that you have peace now without his crazy whine

  • I won’t be surprised if you got a fake suicide attempt, I had one of them from my ex, I think that is what he’s leading too. Sorry.
    I’ll call it emotional blackmail, or being a c…

    • And if you get a threat of suicide — call 911 immediately for him. If the suicide threat is real, he’ll get the help he needs. If the threat is fake, then he’ll never attempt to manipulate you again by threatening suicide.

      • I had a ex-lover try this stunt with me. Like, what, he thought I would somehow think more of him (and less of me) because he threatened suicide? Seriously? Like I am begging to stay with an emotionally unstable fuckwit?

        I took his ass to the hospital and told him to get out and get help. Of course, he didn’t. It was simply an attempt to get me to change my mind.

        I mean, seriously?

  • he even used the ‘ as I’m your children’s other parent you are responsible for me’ line.

    such a relief when you see through that one.

    • because you need to worry about how much sleep the father of your children is getting… !?!?!?!

      he tried to pull the father card, but he wasnt thinking that way when he was scouting out for strange. .. he wasnt worried about the childrens health, needs, or emotions when he threw the family under the bus for new sex.

      but yes, as the father of your children, you NEED to know how much sleep he is getting and that he worked 2 days and ALMOST got in an accident… . PSHT

      stay no contact. delete and block that shit. i would show it to my boys and let them read what a drama queen bio dad is and use it as an opportunity to explain how dad is being disrespectful to my wishes at no having any contact. .. . and a lesson on how to enforce boundaries.

      Good luck

  • This man’s diatribe uses grown-up words to express the über-entitled sentiments of Veruca Salt with an added dash of Justin Bieber at 15 for good measure.

    Poster boy for cake.

    Since he hasn’t gone to rage yet, I suggest saving his rant(s) as documentation but only responding minimally and cordially to whatever might be necessary pertaining to the kids. Hard to say how vengeful he might be, and you might need evidence of his vacillating and implied threats.

    And, make no mistake, this letter is chock-a-block full of implied threat, as is his past behavior. There is a lot of violence between the lines here. Don’t eat anything he might have touched, and don’t stand near the front of this guy’s car.

    • Amisfree makes a good point about the anger which is not so far beneath the surface. My cheating ex had a distinctly effeminate side and was very mild mannered, which he felt entitled him to drama…but when cornered, and caught cheating, he turned ugly in a flash. He pulled a knife on me and held it against my throat for several hours. Yes, hours. While he raged.

      If it weren’t for an alert paramedic neighbour who went the extra mile to look in our front window, see an odd scene, and call the police, I may not have survived. This was seven years ago, but I still go cold just thinking about it.

      Stay physically away from this man. Wasn’t it just today in the news that many women are murdered by those closest to them. It doesn’t just happen in 3rd world countries. Narcissists needing their kibbles will not easily take no for an answer,

      • Yes, my 8 year old’s best friend’s mother was killed by her husband just a few weeks ago, whom she was divorcing. Her husband was mild mannered, British, just never “the type” to do something like this.

        Don’t assume just because they’re mild-mannered, gay, effeminate, that they won’t turn like a rabid dog. America is on the top 10 most dangerous places for women list. This list also includes countries like Syria, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Afghanistan.

        I think my lucky stars everyday my Ex is 2,000 miles away. I relish absolutely every one of those miles.

        • I hear what you’re saying Chris. I thank God that he saw fit to put the Atlantic ocean between me and my ex. He was violent but I always thought “he wouldn’t go that far”, until one day he almost did! Like the doctor at the hospital said “what are you waiting for – for him to put you in a coffin”. That brought it home to me just how close I had got to being killed!

  • What he wants is the delicious cake you’ve been providing to him by staying friends with him. It sounds like the new kibble dispenser has lost some sparkle and probably doesn’t dispense the kibbles quite like you used to but that’s not your circus or your monkeys. Not anymore. You’ve only got one minor child in the mix and he/she is 17. That means that your children can navigate their relationship with their dad and effectively leave you out of it.

    This guy is a master manipulator so it’s no wonder that you felt immediately better after you stopped contacting him. You might consider letting a trusted friend or sister/brother screen his emails before you read them. If there is anything about the children or finances it gets through. Anything else and it goes directly to the trash.

  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He is the best! Every line. Made my day.

    • I read the text last night (I’m Simone) and laughed and laughed and laughed… I mean seriously, he was trying to guilt me!! After all the abuse and gaslighting. I lost my hair through the stress of it all! And I read his text and felt nothing. No Contact is the master stroke! However, I did reply. Nobody’s perfect. But I have to say, without CL and CN, this whole affair would’ve been so darn serious but there is humour to be found in every situation. And I have laughed through the tears. And to anyone who is in the early stages of D-days or in the throes of separation and divorce, please just try NC. I know it’s difficult and I wish I’d had the strength back then but it has totally changed me.

    • Indeed! I suddenly remembered a work colleague who kept whining over irrelevant things to the rest of us. Until one day angelic looking colleague with golden hair, big wet blue eyes as on verge of compassionate tears, feelings all over her face said to him with gentle, caring half voice: John … You mistook me for somebody who cares. We were free since that day!

  • Block him immediately without any response, comment or explanation from email and all social media. He left you, you have no need to be subjected to any more communication. He can literally b*gger off. Complete no contact is the BEST. I stupidly waited too long but as soon as i blocked all communication and set up a calendar for any custody business for my 16 yo i have been about 1000% calmer, happier and more serene than i have been for 16 years. Not.your.problem.

  • Oh my gosh, is it masochistic of me to almost wish my ex would send me something this over-the-top delusional and melodramatic just so I can be absolutely sure what a psychotic loser he is? This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read and I was rolling my eyes and laughing even before I got to the UBT. Oh, the poor soul can’t SLEEP! How will he survive? My god, what a delicate flower!!

  • “I have completely changed in the last four weeks from a distressed, anxious, unhappy, miserable human being into just being miserable. It is a revelation!”

    This made me chuckle.
    There is a lot of truth in that sentence.

  • “I’ve been to doctors and hospitals, but all the meds I got were from a client?” LOL. Guess that means the actual medical professionals (who will usually hand out benzos or sleeping pills like candy) didn’t buy his act?

    • Exactly what I thought! “I’ve seen a bunch of medical professionals and have no diagnoses or prescriptions, but i definitely require illegal diazepam or maybe an herb.” Wut?

    • I wonder if this means he is employed in a profession where he could lose his license for taking meds from a client?

      • Prescription sleep drugs from a client… which he’s afraid to take because they may make him sleep…

        In one sentence he complains that he hasn’t had enough sleep. A few sentences later he admits that he’s actively avoiding sleep. This problem is one of his own making. But with your sympathy and support he’ll be aaallll better.

        There’s something else happening here. The puzzle piece he’s holding back is WHY he’s avoiding sleep. Manipulation at its finest. He’ll tell you everything except that one key detail. You in return are supposed to give him lots of attention and support trying to figure out what missing piece he’s withholding, then fix it for him. If you guess wrong he can blame you for making things worse. No wonder he made you crazy.

        Yep, this is NOT your problem. Do not attempt to unwind this hairball. You’ll only get caught in the slime. He caused the problem, he can damn well grow up and fix the problem. By himself.

        I would, however, show his message to your kids and warn them what’s coming. If they’re prepared for the manipulative siren call they’ll be less likely to get caught in the hairball themselves.

  • Notice how the name of his illness is never mentioned? I’m sorry but that letter makes my head hurt and I’m not even sick. Ignore him, Simone, there’s probably very little of the letter that is actually the truth. Stay NC, don’t write him back, and block him if you must. Your kids are grown and will reach out to you if needed. Same for your ex – they can reach out to him if needed.

  • The equivocation in this letter is truly unbelievable! “I have been in a hospital, to Drs……” Really?
    This brings back memories of the Worm, who came home at 3 in the morning and said “I’ve been at the ER”.
    I said, “Where is your paperwork?”
    He obviously didn’t have it because the “ER” visit was years before.

  • I have also been with my stbx for over 3 decades since we were 16/18. They must like to use the word “hence”. My stbx uses that word frequently when sitting at bars texting me. He loves to dump all of his revelations on me in the evenings. Stay strong. I told him to stop texting me from barstools so he’s started reaching out to people who were our mutual friends. “What do you think of me and what I’ve done? Be honest.” One of my single line journal entries trying to avoid contact with him in reply to one of his messages. “Hence, go fuck yourself.” I’m sorry for what you are going through. I understand the insanity.

  • Notice how the name of his illness is never mentioned? I’m sorry but that letter makes my head hurt and I’m not even sick. Ignore him, Simone, there’s probably very little of the letter that is actually the truth. Stay NC, don’t write him back, and block him if you must. Your kids are grown and will reach out to you if needed. Same for your ex – they can reach out to him if needed.

  • For Fuck Sakes!

    This sounds like my stbx when we were still together. Played the hypochondriac card to get attention ALL The TIME. To whoever would listed to his sorrowful tale of a 30 year old going on 80.

    I do NOT miss the drama!

    Thanks for the laugh CL!

  • Valium and Diazepam are the same drug FFS.

    What a fuckwit. Seriously! My ex pulled a lot of that same shit with me. “Oh I’m just *dying* inside”. Yeah sure dude. What drama. NC truly is the only way forward. Can you imagine still having to live with this bullshit? When I look back on my marriage I am truly ashamed that he as who I picked to be my partner.

    My favorite part of this letter is his how he dragged himself to work for 2 whole days because it was the right thing to do. Bahahahahahaha. If you were still married he would have said “I dragged myself to work for YOU.”

    Stick to NC. Enjoy only being miserable, that’s a great milestone and Happy is close by.

  • “I just need you to know what’s happening.” The sliver of unintended truth, with emphasis in “NEED” — as in . . .

    “I demand, desire, require, crave, long for, lust for, hunger for, and yearn for you know what’s happening . . . because attention is the only thing that keeps me alive.”

  • “Don’t make me reach for the chamomile, Simone” – DYING! ;-D

    As usual, UBT Killed It!

    I might briefly break no contact on this just to point out this is what your chickens coming home to roost looks like. Now go make some soup, Snowflake.

  • Please God Do Not Reply to Him!!!!

    Wow. That sure is one fucked up little sad sausage.

    I ageee – he may be dangerous. The kind of guy who fakes suicides, stalks you and threatens you when you don’t give him the attention he feels he’s entitled to.

    Forward screen shots to your lawyer as these gems appear on your phone. If it continues, file a complaint with the police.

    Warn your children and let your neighbours know that his cheese is sliding off the cracker – and he could cause problems at your home.

    Thank God he’s lazy !!! But once the rage kicks in, even the laziest crazy bastard is capable of hurting you #askmehowIknow

    • This!!!!!^^^^^ Let the world know. The more people who are on alert about him, the less likely he is to wheedle his way out of stuff. If the police already have a report about him (no action needs be taken), they are so much more likely to do something for you if you have to call them again. Frankly, if you have proof that you requested no contact (and he is actively ignoring that), you can use that to file for a no contact order in some states. My state only requires two incidents of contact after a request not to contact has been made, to file stalking charges. Here he’d have a strike against him and one more would put him in jail.

  • Simone, I need you to know as you always have told me how you feel and how things have affected you, how I have spiralled out of control in the last few weeks since you asked me not to have contact.

    (I make bad choices and self-soothe with drugs and/or alcohol.)

    I tell you this, not to worry you, or guilt you in any way, but as the father of our children and because I am truly at my wits end.

    (Highs! LoWWWWWS. I want thems and can’t handlez thems. Mother me! I am a sad, naughty boy.)

    I have been desperately ill for 3 weeks now and in this time I have worked 2 days, stupidly pushing myself because I thought it was the right thing to do.

    (I have been hungover/OD’d and was threatened with termination so I decided that I should show up because Partner is sick of my shit. I had to make a show of effort!)

    I have been in hospital, to Dr’s and what has killed me the most is my lack of sleep.

    (Substance abuse takes its toll… I am victim; hear me weep!)

    I can count on one hand the amount of sleep I’ve had.

    ::SOB, sideglance to see if anyone’s watching. choke, sob again::

    In the time of my illness and as I write this now I’m in bed alone for fear of disturbing or being disturbed.

    (Partner is sick of my shit. The glitter has worn off my turd.)

    It has affected me so badly that I almost crashed my car in my own driveway, hence why I haven’t been to work.

    (I tried to go to work, for show, but driving under the influence made me back over all Partner’s hostas, lamppost, and the mailbox. Enough to show that I’m unwell but not enough to get arrested. Can’t anyone see that I’m a VICTIM of circumstances beyond my control?!!)

    I have tried herbal pills and been given Valium and diazepam by a client but don’t want to take them for fear of not waking up.

    (I totally took them. I got horribly sick but knew I wouldn’t die. I was forcibly admitted for a break in my mental health… Partner needed a break. Traitor!)

    I’m booked in to see a hypnotherapist next Monday, but even if this does help, that still means another week with me trying to avoid sleep.

    (I want you to think there’s nothing wrong with me that Mother-Wife can’t fix… I will spew out some ridiculous shit and hope it triggers you to tell me I’m stupid, which will show me that I STILL MATTER!)

    Is this silence helping you?

    ::SOB::

    I don’t expect any sympathy or help.

    ::SOBS MORE LOUDLY, sets head on side to see if you’re looking::

    I just need you to know what’s happening.

    ::Small shriek, hiccup, whimper, buries face back in arms, SOB::

  • As much as it sucks he took half of everything, you are the normal and sane parent, the one with a job, the one that is renting because you know that’s what you have to do for now. Your misery will get better as you rebuild and recoup your awesome new cheater free life. Sounds like he’s been dead weight for a long time and your propped his sorry arse up.

    Him? He’s living the fun, carefree life with his boyfriend. Think the boyfriend now realizes he’s a user and he’s looking for that prop, that Plan B in his life so he’s reaching out to you? OMG he has to get a J. O. B.!?!? This is not what he signed up for.

    And the UBT is on fire today!!! Isn’t there yet a med-alert for fuckwits? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t manipulate anyone! This may be the best one yet Tracey!!!

  • Simone, I sympathize that you loved this man once, and that he is the father of your children, but now that the scales have fallen from your eyes I hope you won’t be offended if I say, You Are Soooo Much Better Off Without Him! Someone said ‘drama queen’ and that fits. I’d love to know his reasoning for being a stay-at-home after the kids were all teenagers. Stay NC and enjoy your New life!

  • While no response would be a perfectly proper response, you could also go with: “this sounds like something you should talk to [boyfriend] about. I’m not your wife anymore and I’m not the appropriate person for this.”

  • “Don’t make me reach for the chamomile, Simone”. – DYING! ;-D
    UBT Crushes it, Again!
    I might have to brake no contact just to point out, as the Mother of our children, that “this is what your chickens coming home to roost” looks like. #TeachingMoment.
    Now go make some soup, Snowflake.”

  • Sounds like he’s got trouble in paradise. My ex used his bickering with me to show his new partner how much he suffered and why their love had saved him bla bla bla. One day he started in and I asked him did he have no one to fight with today? I went no contact and that’s when he actually had to really work on his new relationship. He can’t blame me now. I know she has the upper hand and doesn’t want to marry again so he can’t control her with money. Anyway, much of who is is was kept hidden from New partner because he had you to listen to his self absorbed drama. Without you, all his disfunction has nowhere to go. Watch out. He may be without a living situation soon and will have lost his half of your hard work. Poetic justice, I say. Watch that he doesn’t lean on your kids in unhealthy ways.

    • This is such an important point, especially for Chumps who suffer with the notion that the Cheater is ‘happier” with the new host. Go no contact. Stop enabling the Cheater. Stop triangulating with the AP. That’s what “staying friends” is about–kibbles, impression management, and keeping people “dancing” to be in the Cheater’s orbit.

      • I forgot to add that “staying friends” can also be about being able to control the chump financially. Listening to sad sausage stories is often a prelude to hearing “the check is not in the mail and it won’t be. Ever.”

  • I was a hairdresser for many years. These relationships are mean and brutal. The husband hits them. They have to do their hair, iron their shirts. Ect.. someone always has a black eye. He will get his slice back of pain he’s caused. Baby wants to come home. #neveraman.

  • My take on this guy is he has never really lived in reality and more than likely has an aversion to work. His new guy may not be willing to support him and let him stay home as a special needs house husband. So x needs Simone as a back up plan as the new guy may toss him out on his rear. Simone has gone no contact and x is in a panic. Simone should stay no contact.

  • “I have been desperately ill for 3 weeks now and in this time I have worked 2 days, stupidly pushing myself because I thought it was the right thing to do.”

    Hahahahahahahaha!

    Block him, Simone. You don’t need to know any of this shit. He used you as a beard, he cheated endlessly, he stole money, he risked your health and all-in-all he was a bad person. Whether he was gay, straight, bi or into fucking flying monkeys isn’t the point.

    He’s probably about to lose his partner or his apartment and he wants back in with you because you carried your load and his for many years. What’s a narcissistic shit-stain to do without someone else taking care of his cheating self?

    Laugh, Simone. Laugh it off. Despite losing your house (I’m so sorry), you have integrity. That is worth so much more. Although I also hope you win the lottery – remember to consult an attorney and set up a trust if that is possible in your state. Never let them know that you won money!

  • “Is this silence helping you?”
    Wow, there’s the zinger.
    Yes.
    Better yet, more silence.

    Like children, they will test boundaries.
    We are not in their circle of “support” any longer.
    #1-800-273-8255
    (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline-United States)
    Time elapsed to Google this info: 1.3 seconds
    Time spent texting ex for sadz kibble post-mimosa: TBD

  • Now he wants you to know all about him? Lol! Now that you are long divorced and moved on he wants to share about himself?
    You keep enjoying no contact…ie life away from the crazies.

  • I started studying personality disorders. I think they are more prevalent today than ever. This letter is an example of me, me, me to the exclusion of anyone else. This is why CL is really important to people across the world. There is nothing like trying to make sense of this kind of person. Who knows if he fits the criteria. That diagnostic manual changes routinely so I accept that the person living in the middle of crazy knows way more about PD people than any expert.
    Just ignore him but keep your guard up. As others have said, rage is not far behind.

    • And just who, or what, is he going to disturb? That is a very weird statement. Is there someone locked up in the attic? Is he living with a flock of turkeys? He really is looney. You are so much better off without him.

  • Holy crap that is hilarious! I laughed so hard at the Ubt! It’s crazy they all reach the poor me stage when you want nothing to do with them. My ex tricked me to feel bad for him saying he falls asleep hoping to not wake up, “I miss my family and I love you let’s have a baby” Meanwhile he’s living with some 23 year old for 2 years! Wtf! Dumbasses.

  • OMG, Simone, all the man is missing with you going no contact is his AUDIENCE. He wants his audience back! Who can he describe his new sparkly life to if you’re going no contact? Of course, his life isn’t actually sparkly, so without his audience it pretty much sucks.

    I love that you’ve gone no contact. Stay the course!

  • Dear Simone – First… congratulations for going No Contact. It truly is an amazing world where you can live guilt and fuckwit free… welcome! And, this fodder for the UBT was fantastic – though I’m sure painful for you on some levels and yet, mindbending holyshit batman illuminating on another. I find that with years of no contact/grey rock (we co-parent a young son), every time I have a communication with him I end up scratching my head going “I was once married TO THAT?”… or “I’m so blessed that I am not spending my life with that hot mess.”

    Keep keeping on… hopefully, he’ll crash into a shrub blocking a brick wall and it will knock some sense into him.

  • Is he loosing sleep because now he MUST work? It seems his new love is not a nurse with a purse.
    Soon you will not be miserable, just happy you removed this tick that latched onto you and was sucking the life out of you. Please desinfect the area, no contact is the best desinfectant.
    “In the time of my illness and as I write this now I’m in bed alone for fear of disturbing or being disturbed. ” Sounds like he was dumped and is hoovering.
    He was going to destroy you, MERCILESS and he said so. ” … and told me, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, that he was going to go out there and look for a man WHETHER I LIKED IT OR NOT” Fuck him! He is not your friend, never was, never will be. He was bound to intentionally subjugate you into destruction. Desinfect, desinfect, desinfect…
    And he does not need doctors or hospitals, the medicine for his ” illness” is a job. And this site is the best medicine for your healing and for all of us. Chump Lady and Chump Nation for the win. Thank you Chump Lady!

  • There were several lols in this post. I was shocked that he was in such dire straits that he was forced to see an hypnotherapist. The “Help me, I’ve fallen and can’t manipulate also brought a hearty chuckle. This dude is the dictionary definition of pathetic. He is also a terrible writer. I say, Go you, Simone! You have been nothing but nice. With you as the push to his pull he felt secure in his decisions to ‘just get away from the drag’, but now, left to the booming echo-chamber of his life and its consequences, he has a sad. Ha! Life always evens out in the end. You have an excellent sense of humour Simone despite your tribulations and I think you’ll do very well for yourself in the long run. I would say get out your binoculars and watch the dumpster fire implode over in the dell from a distance, but nah, don’t even waste your time. He’ll be back though, I have a feeling, realising how good he had it all these years, and schmoopie just doesn’t understand him like you do, so be prepared to be hoovered as reality slaps him between the eyes with its ballsack.

  • There were several lols in this post. I was shocked that he was in such dire straits that he was forced to see an hypnotherapist. The “Help me, I’ve fallen and can’t manipulate also brought a hearty chuckle. This dude is the dictionary definition of pathetic. He is also a terrible writer. I say, Go you, Simone! You have been nothing but nice. With you as the push to his pull he felt secure in his decisions to ‘just get away from the drag’, but now, left to the booming echo-chamber of his life and its consequences, he has a sad. Ha! Life always evens out in the end. You have an excellent sense of humour Simone despite your tribulations and I think you’ll do very well for yourself in the long run. I would say get out your binoculars and watch the dumpster fire implode over in the dell from a distance, but nah, don’t even waste your time. He’ll be back though, I have a feeling, realising how good he had it all these years, and schmoopie just doesn’t understand him like you do, so be prepared to be hoovered as reality slaps him between the eyes with its ballsack.
    I’m relieved for you as well: when I saw the title of this post, and read the thumbnail, I thought he was texting you to let you know that he’d been diagnosed with something really horrendous related to his skanky ways and recommending that you get tested.

  • Yes, Jackass, the silence is helping me. So you get

    Dear Simone, determining to go no contact is the first step to not being miserable. The next step is blocking him on all forms of communication other than a dedicated email you check only when necessary to conduct financial business. Your kids are old enough to manage their time and contact with CheaterDad. So do yourself a favor and make sure he can’t get to you other than one dedicated channel. That’ll mean flagging his email address as “spam” or “junk” in any other email. Blocking on social media, phone and text.

    Then evict him from your thoughts. It’s tough. You’ve been through hell. But don’t give him any more time or head space. Turn your attention to yourself–your life, what you want and need. He’s been a financial parasite. Now you don’t have to take care of him and the kids are nearly grown. Sit down with someone who can help you figure out how to get into a new home, if you want to buy. Think about where you really, really want to live–what town, neighborhood or street, and what kind of place–detached, semi-detached, condo, loft apartment, tiny house. What do you want? What color on the walls? What art? What kind of floors?

    You will stop being miserable when you have emerged from the fire, fully focused on your own life, without hearing about what he does, what he wants, what he thinks.

    The silence is helping you. Go deeper.

  • I’m Simone. THE one, but unfortunately not the only. I’ve had such a laugh today reading all the comments and of course the UBT. I’m sincerely sorry for those out there who have had to live through traumatic and horrendous times like this. It is true though, there is life after divorce. There was a time when I thought I would never get through this. Yes, I still have bad days, but the good outnumber these by at least 10- 1. I try to get through each day with humour and laughter and last night I hit the motherload with my ex’s text. It was a joy to read and I laughed heartily as I read and re-read this sad and pathetic report on his health. He has gumption, I’ll give him that. But I do have to say that I’m starting to feel a little guilty about everyone laughing and sneering at him and it’s making me uneasy so I’d like you all to st….oh who am I kidding, Carry On Laughing y’all!! Fuck him!!

    • Hahaha! For a second I thought you were serious! I love that you are at the place you can say this. Like many I did not go NC soon enough – but reaped the rewards when I did! I can get a laugh now out of things that are ridiculous. Good for you – keep it up!

  • If I ever get a sad sausage letter like this from my X asshat my response will be,

    “So glad to hear it. I am grateful you get to experience this part of your life. I hope having these intense feelings are as beneficial for you as it was for me when I went through them. There is no greater gift than to be fully aware in this life. How fortunate for you that you will not die having lived in ignorance of the full spectrum of emotions that a human can experience.”

    Since X is all about finding his exuberant passionate twu happynez, the feeling of TRULY LIVING now must be a high like no other. Enjoy it, dickwad.

    Rock it Simone, the NC is awesome!

  • Simone, you’re a better woman than I am because I would be breaking NC just in order to email him the UBT’s epic translation. In fact, I would probably send it to his boyfriend and even to mutual friends and relatives. It’s too funny not to share. Who could help but laugh, other than that disordered king of all douche canoes who sent you that self-pitying drivel.

  • And if that sad-sausagry escalates to hints of threats of suicide, STILL do not respond. Call 911, tell him he is hinting/threatening, ask them to check on him. Many emergency services call this a ‘wellness check’ – they’ll also do it if your elderly aunt isn’t answering the phone and you think she may have fallen. Give his address or most likely location and his phone number.

    That way, if he is actually at risk (rare w/narcs, but could happen), he’ll get the help he needs. If it was just emotional blackmail, he will not likely do it again.

    And in either case, not your problem anymore.

  • Stay with the no contact Simone! Stay strong!

    The longer you stay no contact the clearer your brain will get about this lunatic.

    His whole adult life has been all about him….well now he is going to have to really “adult” and deal with life. Life includes real consequences.

    Boo freaking hoo!

  • It’s so obvious to outsiders reading his letter that the only real concern he has about you is that you’re not giving him the attention he wants & mistakingly feels entitled to. What a man-baby, geez!

    I bet if most of us showed others here letters, emails, texts, etc from our ex’s we would get the same result = it being obvious to outsiders what a manipulative load of crap they spew. Out judgement gets so very cloudy when we’re involved with these fuckwits. The only way out of the fog & into seeing things more clearly is NC/Grey Rock as you’re discovering. Keep moving toward the light!

  • Wow, it seems that all cheaters must have a a secret book, cheating 101. Just like my STBX this loser cares more about himself. His poor wifey did not give him enough attention. So he was forced to cheat. My STBX blamed me for screwing my cousin. He said I did not want to go away enough. I did not want to have fun. And he thought that i did not love him anyway. I guess me being an adult and working, taking care of the home, children and grandchildren made me boring. These fuckwits will find any excuse to cheat. And they will never take ownership. Yup, my STBX threw away a 34 year marriage for a women who wanted to have fun. Pathetic.

  • If you are in a position to go completely no contact, there are ways out there to fake the “Delivery Failure” email message–you know, the one you get when you send an email to an email address that is no longer valid.

    I did this recently with an escalating narc I am cutting out of my life, and he bought it. Just google it and some really helpful results come up. He will assume you have changed your email address if you just send the “Delivery Failure” email each time he contacts you. And soon he will stop emailing completely.

    • I did the “Delivery Failure” with my exNarc. I also did it via text. I put in Notes, a text that said “User has blocked access from this number”, and every time he texted, I sent it. It was fun watching him go from texting my phone, to emailing me, to calling, each time, getting the same message!

  • Yay Simone! No contact gives you peace of mind and space to think! Keep it up!

    This has all also been happening to me in the past two years — my “bisexual” no! now “totally straight what are you talking about?” closeted gay cheating-for-years-with-a-double-life soon-to-be-ex has been despondent, suicidal, raging angry, and a whole bunch of other sad, sad sausage crap since I kicked him out a year and a half ago. I have been largely no contact / grey rock since June of this year, and it is a revelation. I literally just came from my therapist, to whom I said: I can’t even explain this, but I feel normal, and I’m wasting zero thought and energy on him. Meh isn’t meh, it’s SO GREAT!

    Sad sausage is now cancelling holiday plans with our teen (because Mr. I don’t want to screw up my kid is screwing up his kid by not showing up). Why? He’s too busy drifting off to spend time with “a friend.” WHATEVER! We (dear son and I) are safe, clothed, fed, sheltered, and loved by a huge group of awesome friends and family. We have so much fun without sad sausage, I find it amazing to think I stayed with him for 20+ years.

    Simone, from one Straight Spouse to another, and as many have said above: we need these jerks like a hole in the head. Stay strong and keep on the no contact path! Being gay isn’t an excuse for having no morals or integrity. Your kids will be able to see that clearly, and you deserve to live a peaceful, hassle free life focused on yourself. Take care and happy holidays!

  • What was that movie, Blazing Saddles, where the Sheriff takes himself hostage?!? “Stop or I’ll shoot myself”???? Hahahahaha– and thank you to Simone and CL, I needed this amusing hostage letter and the hysterical commentary on this especially dreary rainy Monday after Thanksgiving.

  • Ladies and gentlemen: yet another vindication of the healing power of No Contact.

    The fact that it pisses the ex off is just an added bonus.

  • Some really interesting topics from CL. And I’m sure most would agree this can be the toughest time of year for many. I have some very questions I would like to ask. But not willing to pay 200.00 per hour to find out. HAHA. Besides most therapists aren’t very good. What is it with the ones that blind side? Why is there such a dramatic and very extreme in their behavior when shit hits the fan? I mean a completely different person shows up. Not just a cheater but a person who is pissed off at the entire world. I mean they have a mental inventory of every little thing we did that bothered them. No lie, after D Day in 2014 my cheating wife remembered the time I told her. her breath smelled the next morning after a long great night of Italian food. IN 1998!!!! I too went through the grief diet and lost 40lbs in about 6 weeks. Just reading everyones posts and it brings back memories. UGH!!! What a time. I found out about her opiate problem, infidelity with a guy from high school she knew in 1987. SHEESH!!! He has 4 DUIs and multiple probation violations including the same year I found out. I mean really!!! What the heck is with the trade down? I don’t mean me specifically. Just in general.
    No one seems to leave a spouse for a well established M.D. Its always some loser or a hood rat. LOL. And this is why we shouldn’t spin our own brains wondering about it.

    • There are cheaters who have left for younger, richer, nicer house, etc.

      The point is that, according to the Lola Doctrine, cheaters never trade up.

      And they don’t, because cheating is a sign of shitty character. So what has happened is that two shitty people have found each other.

      People have argued with me about this (can you believe it?) But this is usually because

      1) they have been so devalued that they think their Catch of the Day was right to choose Miss Tits, or Dr Bigdick, over them, or

      2) they think it’s all about appearance only, and that trading up means getting a tastier partner.

      Nuh uh. Cheating is a character issue. It’s hard to admit that Catch of the Day was actually rehashed bottom feeder, but we’ve all been under that spell.

      No Contact breaks that spell better and faster than anything else.

    • The cheater rationalizations and justifications they spin in their own minds, and sometimes they have to dig real deep like the time you mentioned bad breath, is what they use to convince themselves they deserve to screw around and find happiness. By golly, if you weren’t such a bad spouse making them so miserable then they would have been blissful. And I do think they spin it so much they believe it. You know it’s horse shit. Any reasonable person can see it’s horse shit. But cheaters, no. They deserve happiness. But they rarely find someone absolutely wonderful to screw around with. They find someone just as crappy as they are.

      Infidelityhelpgroup.com is another site, like CL, that makes this cray cray make some sort of sense. A snippet below and it’s free!

      https://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2014/06/25/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-2/

      It’s important to understand that cheating is a mindset, not simply a question of opportunity and/or discontentment with life. Infidelity is not caused by failing marriages, imperfect relationships, childhood issues, or failures in the faithful partner. Cheating is the result of a cheater giving themselves permission to cheat, shoring up that choice with a list of their dissatisfactions as ‘reasons’ for why the affair became acceptable to them.

      • Basically this. You gotta justify cheating somehow, so you gotta go back and pull up every fake flaw you can think of – that way you’re really the victim here, and your cheating is just the fair response to that time they put the wrong cheese on the lasagna. And cheaters don’t cheat up, because decent people don’t cheat. It’s kinda like saying “why is it always only the creepy guys who want to dig through your garbage and sit outside your window at 3am watching you sleep?”

  • Simone, this sounds cruel but even if he contacts you and says he is dying and in the hospital don’t respond but also be on your guard for awhile. I agree do not respond back to him. Continue with no contact. Do not even entertain. Just remember him saying he was going to fuck others no matter what. You said you are already feeling better. Keep it up. Do not let him manipulate you any longer including him trying to use the kids.

    • “…jingle all the wayyyyy. Oh what fun it is to ride a man while driving you crayyyy…”

      Love your UBT knock-off.

  • This post today just made my day. Simone lady you ROCK!! As for cheaterpants I’m on the “maintain no contact” side but mostly the comments (serious, not serious & everything in between) have brightened my day considerably.

  • The only thing I’ll add is in response to the poster’s last sentence. It doesn’t matter what he wants from you (although all of the above comments are right that it’s just kibbles, centrality, and cake as usual from you).

    What matters is what YOU want. Which is peace and quiet and to remain fuckwit-free (a most reasonable desire, and one he is dead set on obstructing). So just keep rockin’ on with your mighty self (NC all the way!) and let him stew in the consequences of his own terrible choices. (I also agree to protect yourself against his likely coming rage and the comments re: suicide threats.)

  • Oh my gosh the ME ME ME screaming through this! “I know I created this hell and wrecked everyone’s life – but I can’t sleep!” Pathetic. In no way do I relate this to being gay or bi – he’s just an asshole. Many people who are gay or bi don’t cheat on their spouse. Several examples mentioned here in fact!

    And he doesn’t even sound that smart – couldn’t he google the med names he was throwing out there to make sure he didn’t give two names for the same thing? Idiot! Maybe he has also been getting ibuprofen and motrin from clients??

    This has been said many times – but this message is exactly the evidence you need to stay no contact. I have ex dickhead blocked from phone, work phone, and now emails and don’t go around him in any way. Our kids are grown which admittedly helps with this. From time to time he sent the sad sausage chain yanking emails, or wanting to know how I am “doing” emails – so hence I blocked him from email. Those go into Spam so you can always go check – or as someone suggested have someone else screen – but just not having them show up in your inbox is heaven! I felt like my progress was so slow or non existent – but then within weeks of NC – things improved drastically. There was initial guilt in doing it – but then I realized I didn’t owe a cheating fuckwit anything. Blissful freedom!

    Agree with others who detected potential rage/violence. Be careful. Don’t assume you know someone or that you know what they are capable of.

  • It’s dawning on him how soft he had it with you. He’s in horror that someone else is holding him accountable. He will retreat into ‘illness’ to avoid being an adult.

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