Dear Chump Lady,
My friend directed me to you Chump Lady, I have been humming and hawing about wanting to message you but I decided as we are about to make the 1 year threshold it was time to talk and ask a significant question.
My partner for 5 years, and wife for over 4 years, turns to me on Christmas morning and says, “I think it’s time for you to leave.”
I was devastated, destroyed and had 10 years of my life ripped from me. The plot thickens…..
I leave that day and go live on my brother’s couch for about 3 weeks until I can arrange an apartment situation. On the 1 month anniversary of me leaving the house I get a text message from her stating…..oh btw I’m in a relationship with your best friend….JIMBOB….(name kept for privacy).
During this 4 week break, I payed for therapy, bought her flowers for her birthday and had no idea this was going on, all the while confiding on my best friend JIMBOB as to what was going with my marriage all the while finding out that he had been accidentally falling into nethers on a regular basis.
I was messed up, a part of still has trouble with what was going on and my best friend left his wife of 20 some years…..high school sweethearts…..to go schtoop my wife instead. Not to mention his teenage son, who doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.
So there’s my story……shrunk down for the viewers….. And now my question…
I walked away from everything — the house, all our purchased possessions, to keep my mental sanity.
I want one thing from her….. anything to do with our wedding I want, so I can burn it and watch be wiped from the face of the Earth itself. Is that too much to ask? I hope this act would bring me some kind of closure.
Too much to ask??
Dear Too Much,
Who among us hasn’t wanted to throw all totems of their ex onto a giant funeral pyre and dance around the flames?
It’s an understandable chump impulse. She burned your marriage down to the ground (metaphorically), so now you just want this small ritual reflecting that fact. A purification rite, of sorts. If you can kill the symbols of your love, maybe you can kill the actual love you felt.
You’d think her fucking JimBob and deceiving you out of every worldly possession would be enough “closure.” But perhaps there’s a certain satisfaction in igniting polyester garters. Or burning pearl-studded wedding albums, or whatever your nuptial detritus.
I mean, you don’t have to burn shit to know it’s OVER, right?
I’d say there’s no harm in asking, except for the kibble dilemma this poses. If you demand that your wife (ex-wife? soon-to-be ex? Where exactly are you in this process?) hand over all your wedding tchotchkes, she may get a big kibble high off the request. Oh, Too Much cares! He’ll never get over our Great Love and will maintain a shrine for me!
Can you stomach that? Because telling her you want something for the sole purpose of destroying said thing is probably not a winning strategy.
The other dilemma is that it’s not Meh. And we’re all about the meh here at Chump Nation. When you need something from your ex To Move On, you’ve handed your ex your power. Power they will probably delight in denying you. (See also “Apology,” “Fair Settlement,” and “Schmoopie’s Head On A Pike”.)
There’s really no such thing as closure, there’s just building a new life that eclipses the old life. And that takes time. And a shit-ton of emotional effort.
But where’s the JUSTICE, Tracy?!
Over there, moldering with your unity candle and cummerbund.
But look, dude, if you manage to get that shit back — I won’t deny you your bonfire. Squirt the lighter fluid, throw the match, and warm yourself by the glow.
Maybe you’ll feel better the next day. Maybe you won’t. The important thing is — you got two toxic people out of your life. No tag backs, JimBob.