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‘He sent me a poem on Christmas’

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Dear Chump Lady,

I got this poem from my ex on Christmas Day. What does it mean? What is the point?

“I just wanted to wish you Merry Christmas
You were the best.
I should never expecting anything lest.
I’m sorry I was just a nuisance and a pest.
I just wanted to drop you this rhyme.
To let you know you are worth the time.
I never gave it to you in the past like I should
I’m so so so sorry, if I could go change time I would.
Merry Merry Christmas. Camo D.”

He is a narcissist, liar, cheater, abuser, never pays his child support and pretends to want to see his kids, but rarely contacts me and only when he has nobody. He is full of excuses why he can’t see his kids all year. When he does see them, he wants me to give him money to take them out and an hour is too long time to spend with them.

Thanks if you can shed light on this poem what it really means and what’s the point at this point? We haven’t been together for years and even when we were together I didn’t exist unless he was horny and that was rarely. He didn’t write poems then. What’s this for? So puzzling.

M.J.

Dear M.J.,

I just want to drop this rhyme
That fuckwits aren’t worth your time.
No point in searching for meaning.
Better to be toilet cleaning.
Or gazing at a swirling drain.
He’s got an addled brain.

Okay, clearly I don’t have a promising rap career ahead.

M.J. he’s just hoovering. Kibble supplies must be running low, it’s the holidays. So he crafts this lame verse, thinking you’ll be dazzled into I don’t know what. Sleeping with him? Lowering his non-existent child support? Giving him a loan?

Whatever he wants, it’s not good. You know this. Expect no lest! (sic)

Let me tell you what this poem does NOT mean.

That he cares. People who care show up. They do the Meaningful Things, like support their children financially and emotionally. They abide by court orders. They don’t have to be BRIBED into spending time with those whom they purport to love.

It could mean that he has regrets. I doubt he spends a lot of time on introspection (or poetry), but it’s possible he realizes he’s a douchebag. Not that you should hold it against him! He could have the faint, dimming, recognition that some of this shit show is his fault. And gosh, you must’ve been waiting forever for this glimmer of responsibility, so why waste it? Why not tell you now and claim his reward? YOU ARE WORTH TIME! Are you swooning yet?

I’m so so so sorry, if I could go change time I would

Well, that’s a nice offer. If only he could bend space and time. Maybe Superman could come and rotate the planet backwards for him?

M.J. — it’s time to remind you of the three mindfuck channels — rage, self-pity, and charm. Given this fuckwit’s obvious charisma, you’re probably not much acquainted with the charm channel, but “never expecting anything lest” is attempted charm.

Please don’t go warm and gooey. If this had been actual remorse awkwardly expressed, it would’ve been accompanied by actions — Child support, seeing the kids, a meaningful apology with specifics, child support, and did I mention child support?

Consider this poem less poetry and more flaming bag of dog poop left at your door.

Extinguish. Return to Trust That He Sucks.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I’d like to comment on your cartoon. I love it. My ex cheater always had (has?) pimples on his ass. Is this a cheater thing??????? Sometimes I wonder if he was on steroids.

      • Hahaha, my ex had pimples on his ass too and this cartoon always makes me imagine he unwittingly posed for Chump Lady. That guy was in the shower a lot and maintained a well groomed/shaved pubic area. I’ve wondered since if it was some kind special STD? Probably some rash reaction to something I would prefer to remain naive about at this point.

          • Hey —

            Life hack for chumps who have zits on their ass? (Who cares if cheaters do.) Everyday, in the shower, scrub your whole butt (every inch) with washcloth and soap. Gone! All gone! No zits, smooth as a baby’s butt.

          • Oh my gosh! – way too funny (ugly ass of my imagination), & better to be cleaning toilets…
            Par usual, everything so spot on.
            Stupid ass cheaters.

      • My ex always wanted me to pop the zits on his back (ew)

        I sent him a text early on and right after he moved his whore in with him, asking if he and The Bonus Imposter were at that point in the relationship yet.

        Twu Wuv = Unabashed zit popping.

  • In a surprise move, Princess Whory Fucksalot accepted an agreement and I was able to get my sealed divorce last Friday. Sure, it’s essentially what she would’ve gotten 6 months ago, but then she wouldn’t have been able to inflict the financial abuse she has.
    What broke her? Her parents deciding they had enough paying for her lawyer (they owe him a lot of money)? The fact I told everyone we would go pro se and file more enforcement motions than theyve ever seen? That I was actually looking forward to going pro se at a trial? That my lawyers was fastidious with their work? I don’t know. I do know financially I have nothing, but I also don’t have a cheating whore thief as a wife anymore so, yay.

      • Yes, a gift of knowing that giving him the Big Heave Ho was a brilliant thing to do!
        The biggest mistake I made was trying to figure out the meanings of his comments and behavior instead of just saying ENOUGH of this madness. Do yourself a favor, don’t try to figure it out.
        On another note-what a lame poem he wrote!

    • Hang in there brother! I’m in the same boat. I told her no matter what “I win.” I get kids 50/50 and divorced from your whore ass. So I win! Thanks CL & CN for all the help dealing with bullshit.

    • That’s the spirit. You can make more money. But as you’ve learned, it’s hard to rid yourself of a parasite.

    • Congratulations on your freedom and on the fact that you’re not hemorrhaging cash anymore. What a nice way to begin a new year.

    • Yep, DunChumpin, there’s a limit to paying lawyers. Cheaters strut and crow, but paying lawyers break many of them. And congratulations for your new, cheater-free life.

      • I was amazed how quickly she moved to coparenting texts. I was more amazed by how frigging indifferent I am to them.
        Thank you all. I’ve been low profile for a while but the encouragement and help you all gave means so much.

        I’M DIVORCED!

        • Congrats on the divorce DunChumpin! Sorry to hear that cleaning up your life meant cleaning yourself out financially, I’m in the same boat, though not yet docked. Well, there’s no price that can be put on peace and sanity. Wishing you, and all of CN, a VLC/NC and prosperous new year!

        • Congratulations DunChumpin
          I’m still dealing with my cheater and to make matters worse he moved to another country and is not doing anything to find a job. Can’t wait for this nightmare to be over.
          Happy new year!!!

        • I actually walked out of the courthouse and removed my shoes and shook the dust off of them. smiled brightly, pulled myself up and strutted to my vehicle. He didnt bother to yo even show up for the divorce hearing, but i knew the evil sniveling coward would be somewhere watching me leave. all he saw was the triumphant look of freedom. Congrats!!

    • Congratulations! At least it wasn’t the gift that kept on giving as far as you having to stay married to a skank! You can make more money but cannot change a WHORE!!

    • DunChumpin, there’s been a collective sigh of relief and high fives and fireworks on your behalf. Out with the old, in with the new!

      Here’s hoping 2019 will bring massive healing and hope and freedom to your life. Congratulations at being cheater free.

    • thing is, this is a total gift because the financial and emotional bleeding stops immediately. It still hurts, of course, the way it does after a nasty-but-necessary surgery or treatment for some horrible illness. Bouts of nausea, pain, aches… but it starts, as a bit of time goes on, to fade, and the best part is, it’s OVER. No more throwing good, hard-earned money after bad. The line is drawn and you can properly and truly start to recover in a financial and psychological sense.

      There may still be bad days, but these will be fewer and fewer, onwards!

  • “I just wanted to wish you Merry Christmas.”
    I just felt like trying to hoover a bit.

    “You were the best.”
    You were a very useful wife appliance – I have not yet obtained a better one.

    “I should never expecting anything lest.”
    I am terrible at the English language.

    “I’m sorry I was just a nuisance and a pest.”
    However, as you can see by my being a nuisance and a pest literally right now as I bother you with this poem, the words “I’m sorry” from me, in no way mean that I will stop doing the thing I’m apologizing for – or even that I’m not actually still doing the thing as I apologize for it.

    “I just wanted to drop you this rhyme.
    To let you know you are worth the time.”

    You are worth the time it took me to write this poem – and by worth it, I mean, I think this poem might make you more inclined to make you give me things I want (money, talking me up to the kids, etc.) so I consider it worth the effort.

    “I never gave it to you in the past like I should”
    I wasn’t good enough at lying to you, and now I have lost a valuable appliance.

    “I’m so so so sorry, if I could go change time I would.”
    I dislike consequences. Every day I look in the mirror at my chub and think “why don’t I eat healthier? Why don’t I work out more? If only I had spent the last year eating healthy and exercising, I’d have a six-pack now. Gosh I wish I could go back in time and magically make it so I had done all the things needed to have a six-pack now. I mean, I’m not going to start doing them now, but I sure do wish that now I had the benefits of having done them in the past.”

    • What a great analogy! You can see the “logic”: the things that I chose that gave me pleasure in the past (eating junk food/vegging out) are not giving me pleasure right at this moment, so I “wish” I could magically switch them out for something that would make me feel good right at this moment (looking good). It’s not remorse about poor past choices, it’s frustration that there’s no pleasure carry-over and that there were negative consequences imposed by previous choices that they actually have to live with. Ok, maybe this was obvious to everyone else, but I just got this.

      • I found the analogy highly clever and educational, as well. *Applause* for the good laughs and the good insight, Traffic_Spiral! You do CL’s UBT proud.

    • “I never gave it to you in the past like I should”
      Because I was way too busy ‘giving it’ to OW. And what a sad, sad snausage that was.

  • He’s probably been listening to R.Kelly’s song ‘If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time’ – which is classic sad sausage moaning.

    • Haven’t listened to any R Kelly so I took a look at the first song – laughed at the lyrics and then the video – so thought I’d give him a chance and read the lyrics to the fed up song. He was right about when a woman’s fed up there’s nothing you can do, and if she does take you back it’ll never be the same. However, he also had to bang on about how much he did for her, even while causing her pain. My favourite part is the end:

      Some of the best cookin’ you ever had
      Yes, it was and I miss her
      Hey woman, if you’re listening
      Said I miss you baby, whoa, whoa, oh yeah

      I hope that woman is too busy being awesome elsewhere to be listening to his sadz.

  • When you ignore his lame-ass poem, let’s see how fast he changes to one of the other channels, self-pity or rage.

  • That is one lame ass attempt at showing appreciation or value.
    Mark as spam, unsubscribe, and delete.
    Silence is the best answer to fuckwits like him.
    Hate that he’s worthless for your kids’ sake.

  • OMG,
    Beware, Valentine’s Day is coming up, he’s likely to mail you cupid’s arrows, and those things could be very dangerous!

    You can’t make this shut up!

  • Reply?

    I just want to wish
    You would fuck off.
    You were the worst
    I wish I’d seen the red flags first
    a nuisance and a pest? You were far worse
    I just want to drop you with a hammer
    If there were justice you’d be in the slammer
    I’d like to give it to you like I should
    With a 2X4 of ironwood
    Merry Merry Christmas
    To ME.

    • Yes, generic Hallmark words on a page.

      “People who care show up.” THIS is what matters!!!

      FIL sent a group text to the grandchildren on Christmas “We love you all.” He sent the same text Easter .
      2017 and included me. It tugged at my heart strings because the poor man has ALS and his in a wheelchair but I have to remember, there are no actions to back it up and these words aren’t even present the other 364 days a year. Son has told me, somehow grandpa manages to get himself via his wheelchair to the local Whole Foods for coffee every morning. He could find a way to show love or have his able bodied helpers help him with that but no.

      This is nothing but a request for holiday kibble.

      • totally. I do give a bit of leeway on account of the ALS, it must be ghastly and no one deserves that, but clearly the dude is able to organise his life to suit himself in many ways, thus it follows he could absolutely be demonstrating more / showing more love than what I like to think of as the ”thoughts and prayers” variety, namely, lots of hot air to make the prayer / thinker feel good but without any actual help or support to the person suffering.

    • Yes I have noticed this. They have an act and it is all about them. It is like throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. It is so NOT personal. I think chumps take it personal but abusers have an agenda and who ever buys it is a victim.

      • Noonenowhere

        This chump knows it’s personal. There’s a well know author, a narcissist who uses this as part of his narritive to minimize the actions of narcissists. From my experience it’s bullshit.

        • Agree doingme, my fuckwit narc has a vendetta against me. They may have multiple victims but the rage is personal to the victim.

      • My idiot said as much. He just said whatever and hoped it would work. Popple are pawns in their little games. I told him he can play alone.

    • Absolutely. This is my guess, as well. Cast your line often enough, and something is bound to bite. He was fishing.

  • Back in the sixth grade, our classroom was assigned to write a poem to celebrate National Poem Month.

    This poem sounds like something a sixth grader wrote down before his name was called up in the classroom.

    “What rhymes with ‘best?’ Oh. Right. ‘Lest.’ That is definitely a real world.”

    #worldsbestscrabbleplayer
    #internationalspellingbeewinner

    • I wonder if it was a saved poem he gave to his mom when he was in elementary school. 6th grade is a little too mature for that type of writing.

    • Lest is a word. It totally makes zero sense in this context, but it’s a word ”Lest we forget!”.

      That liberal arts degree has uses, let no one tell you differently.

  • He doesn’t pay child support, but expects you to pay for the days out. If you feel brave enough say, less time on poems and more time on parenting and paying child support, but that would take effort.

  • Eeewww…burn that poem now. Go no contact. Wash your hands, you don’t know what that sheet of paper is carrying.

    Have an amazing new year.

  • Well my stbxh cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second. It was his coworker, he moved in with her and came crawling back after 2 months. I shouldn’t have given him a second chance the way he discarded our family, but I was dumb and in love. Fast forward a few months later he started seeing another coworker, while I’m still pregnant behind my back. Comes and tells me he doesn’t feel the in love feelings for me anymore and that we should go to therapy. My dumbass thought he genuinely wanted to figure it out. Well a week after I gave birth he disappeared only to come home the next day to tell me he slept with her. That Crushed my soul. While I’m home taking care of the kids and recovering from giving birth, he’s out fucking another woman! He asked me to file for divorce and I sure as hell did. We are still living under the same roof and he continues to see her. Sometimes not coming home for days. To see this woman so openly in my face really hurts. He barely helps with our kids, he just wants to go out with her and have a good time.

    But when he’s home, now all of a sudden he wants to show me affection, he tries to hug and kiss me and still wants to have sex! Wtf? You couldn’t show me affection before but now you want to!? I am so heartbroken I hope this gets easier. This site helps a lot!

    • Also how can these woman do this to another woman!? They both knew he was married and I was pregnant!! Like do they not have souls? Or do they just enjoy playing a part in destroying a family. And the fact that she continues to see him, knowing he has a newborn at home that he pretty much has abandoned to spend time with her! Like I could never date a man like that, or do that to another woman.

      • They don’t care! It’s all about ME, ME, ME and their entitlement. And that’s why they suck. Men that cheat on thwir pregnant wives deserves a special he’ll.

        • I agree, cause I sure as hell am going through it. I feel so abandoned and used. Like he just threw our family away, as if we never mattered. And then him trying to be affectionate, it’s like now that you’re openly seeing her you want to give me affection? No keep it for yourself I don’t even want him touching me!

      • I don’t know if these men are clueless or cruel or both. They have a lazar focus on their dicks and the rest of the world might as well not exist. As for the other women. Anyone who knowingly sleeps with another woman’s husband is a loser, no exceptions. They need the kibble high as badly as the wayward husbands. They are so desperate for whatever they can find that makes them feel special that they will throw other people’s families under the bus to get what they think they want. A successful woman with any class wouldn’t feel the need to do that.

        • PS. If you wouldn’t date a man like that you don’t need to be married to a man like that and your kids don’t need him either. Find a way to get out. Easier said than done in your current circumstances I know, but others here have done it. Get whatever help and advice they can give.

        • I agree she is a complete loser! Does she think he won’t do the same to her?! The fact that he still tries to sleep with me shows he will cheat on her given the chance. She is a special type of scum. I plan to get out as soon as possible. I have filed for divorce and am ready to get out of this mental hell im living in!

          • I’m glad you’ve filed for divorce. I hope 2019 brings some light and hope to you. Hang in there this worst, most painful, terribly raw season and lean on any trusted friends and family that you have.

              • So sorry you are going thru this crap. Your stbx has shown you what a piece of garbage he is….take heed and do not fold thinking he has had some sort of epiphany by trying to be “affectionate”. If you have sex with him he’ll only think far less of you than he does already, you will be a complete joke to him. These narcs tend to harbor hate for no reason, other than you being a loving wife and bearing his children. I say give the asswipe a good reason to hate you. Sneer at him, treat him with derision as if he makes your skin crawl, roll your eyes as if he was the biggest loser you ever met. Let him know you are not a joke and throw his ass out!

      • Water seeks it’s own level. They eventually find people who are like them. And there are plenty of men and women out there who are selfish, self centered, just plain awful people.

        We made an escape from a life with depraved, deceitful people. We lost nothing of value.

        • Love u, Mitz!!!!!

          My divorce was final 11-29-18.

          XH and AP (who is still married btw) are parading all over my town together.

          I needed to hear this today.

          Trying so hard to reframe my thinking and off to a new start tomorrow! Every single day of 2018 has been pure hell. It needs to end.

        • “We made an escape from a life with depraved, deceitful people.
          We lost nothing of value”

          Awesome Mitz!

          Meh Land Estimated Time of Arrival : 2019.
          Hooray!!!

      • Yes, they do enjoy it. They aren’t called homewreckers for no reason. If they can get a man to leave his family, or even just to neglect it, they feel powerful and seductive. These are insecure, immature losers whose fragile sense of self worth is based on competing with other women for male attention and winning. They never really left high school.

        • To quote a cynical (or maybe just observant) old man in a Tony Hillerman novel, “Some women can’t stand to see a man keep a promise.”

    • Be careful, Heartbroken.
      You sound like you’re living in a mine field! I hope you have a Mom or sister, or a kind neighbor, to help you. 2019 would be good for getting him gone, and giving you some nice child support (his fun with girlfriend cash, gone!)
      Please make it happen! I hate him for you, fucking over a new mommy.

      • Thank you, it sure feels that way. My entire family lives across the country, but I do have a few friends I’ve been able to lean on. It’s very difficult going through this, but I’m trying to hold to together for my kids. It sucks to see him so happy with her having the time of his life, while I’m here taking care of our home, our kids, and everyday life while still trying to deal with this heartbreak. And he shows no remorse, if I even bring it up he gets angry and completely gaslights me. That is my plan! I’m going to do whatever I need to, to make sure my kids and I are taken care of. I’m also not a lazy woman I did everything for us, and am about to graduate with my dream job. This woman he’s cheating on me with is no looker either, everyone says I’m so much more attractive and have so much going for me. I guess I still wasn’t good enough for him to not cheat.

        • He doesn’t sound like a prize. Cry and walk. Love yourself more. One day you will wake up and realise you’ve had enough

          • Thank you, every day I believe more and more that he isn’t anything special. I do need to love myself more, not only for my own self worth but for my babies.

            • No one ‘special’ cheats on a pregnant wife. Or cheats at all. He is a loser. He may be handsome, he may say charming words, but he is a LOSER. He proves it every day.

              He will try to screw you in a settlement. You had better be prepared for that. See a good lawyer and make a plan.

              • Thanks, you are absolutely right! And I know he is, but idk why it still hurts me so much! And the social medi makes it worse. He’s out days at a time taking this disgrace of a woman out, apparently getting drunk and having a great time, while I’m home taking care of a 1 year old and a newborn. I really hate it.

                He can try all he wants, I won’t let him screw me and my kids. He deserves no kindness from me at all.

        • Heartbroken—-One thing I have learned from my own bitter experience and here is that they ALWAYS trade down no matter how it looks. It is all fake… just remember that. Stay completely grey rock with him. Don’t give him anything back at all it is harmful to your healing . Come here for validation and support we have all been through similar situations. Good luck you’ve got this mama. It will get better we promise..

          • That’s good to hear, although it makes no sense to me why you would destroy a stable life for a trade down, although me personally I would never cheat on someone. He just seems stay out and drink and have fun. God forbid being an adult is brought to mind.

            Thank you, everyone’s advice has been great and very helpful, it feels good to know I am not alone in this. Although I am sorry everyone is going through such a terrible thing.

            • If he’s getting drunk, it’s a sure sign he’s not having all the fun you think he is. He’s drinking to escape and because he and his slut don’t really have a connection when they’re cold sober. It’s like that with drunken fuckwits and their equally boozy APs.
              My jerk was out drinking with his mistress a lot, too. He would drink every day with her at lunch and they would go to pubs and music festivals to get drunk. They would even drink at home and text each other about what they were drinking. Some cheaters create a bond with their APs over little more than alcohol abuse. Other times they bond with kinky sex, drugs, etc. The biggest bond in any affair is the secret life they share and the high of getting away with it. Sometimes that’s all it is. But whatever they bond over, it’s always creepy and it’s never about substance. A affair bond is shallow by nature. It’s
              about a desperate desire for pleasure as a substitute for the happiness these disordered twits are incapable of. Happiness can never be predicated on the destruction of your family and isn’t found at the bottom of a bottle or between somebody’s legs. He is miserable when he’s not drinking, love. That’s why he takes her out drinking and his “fun” social media pics involve boozing. He deserves to be a miserable drunken sot. Let him wallow in it and never, ever envy him the good life he’s pretending to be having. Because you are a person of substance who loves, some day you will have a genuinely good life of your own, and he’ll still be the same unhappy asshole.

              • Brilliant! Reframing is hard to do but it works… Eventually… We are the winners. They are the losers. Missing out on kids, family life, fun, bonding with little ones. For what? A skank, drugs and the ability to go to the pub when they like. My resentment was strong that he had freedom but then his skank emails me about his debts, 2 years on. She knew how much he shafted me and others for, she let him move in with her, a man in his 40s and he can’t pay his way….? Then she’s threatening for him to cut the amount he pays for child support to the ‘actual’ csa advised amount, because she is paying for everything… Just like this chump did for nigh on 2 decades. She will take food out his kids mouth to please her. I laughed that it was coming from her! They are both pathetic.
                Reframe, Reframe, Reframe.
                You/we have the gold. xx

              • They don’t drink every time they are together, but I know they do go and have drinks together sometimes with others. And now they are going out and having dinners together. It is crushing me. They work together so I just feel like they maybe just get a long better than we did.
                I pray their bond is shallow, because seeing him text her all day and night, and always wanting to be with her sucks, even more so cause he treats our family like we don’t exist. He sure is a complete dick. I will take your advice, I will focus on myself and know that one day when I can heal from this I can be genuinely happy. Thank you for your advice it makes me feel better

        • Be careful that the divorce is final before you start your dream job, and maybe talk down what it would actually pay. What a child he is. One way to look at it is there are no blurry edges with this one. He is clearly a REAL BAD apple. Take care.

          • He is a terrible person, which is why I don’t understand why it still hurts me so much! I just wish he wouldn’t throw his affair in my face.

            • it is hard for us to understand, it hurts us because we love for real and have a good heart. you will NEVER understand because you DO NOT think the way he does. you are trying to logic with illogical behavior. you are trying to rationalize the irrational. stop trying to figure out the how could he, and why would he. … the answer to all of those questions is simply because he DID NOT CARE.. .. once you accept that answer, the rest will be easy. it literally took me YEARS to figure that out. i believed all his lies and wanted to believe that wasband was better then that.. .. all it did was hurt me in the end

              some people enjoy hurting others. your soon to be x husband ENJOYS your pain. it makes him feel good to see the hurt and tears in your eyes, which is the whole reason he is throwing it in your face. .. .. i think wasbands girlfriend enjoyed my pain much more then she enjoyed sex with wasband. i think it made wasband feel good knowing that i was hurting so badly and my heart was breaking for him. there were many days that i felt like i could not breathe. the pain in my heart so much that my chest physically ached. i literally felt like i was hit by a 6000 ton train. And wasband and his troll enjoyed watching and laughing over my pain.

              google how to grey rock. it might save you some hurt. i wish there was more that i could do for you, i have been in your shoes. i know how it feels to be lost, heart broken and living in hell AND still have to get out of bed every morning because your children need you. the hardest thing to do is go thru every day when your heart is breaking and having to pick up the broken pieces after the man you loved casually and carelessly throws a bomb into your “happy” life. and then walks away without even a glance back.. .. .. when it feels like a hurricane, tornado, tsunami, earthquake hit your house/life all at once and you are struggling not only to pick yourself out of the rubble but hold onto and help your babies too. not to mention trying to piece it all back together again.. ..

              you are not alone. i read so much on this site and on other sites like it. for every story i read, i remembered a story of my own. i started writing it all down. all the stories, all the memories i have forgotten in the effort to have a “happy” marriage. it helped me realize that the man i thought wasband was is nothing like the man he truely is. it helped me accept that wasband did not care and was super shallow.

              i also wrote every conversation verbatim i had with wasband those last 5 months. at first because my head was so messed up, i couldnt think straight and i knew i would not remember. Plus he was always telling me how he “already told me that” or how he “never said that”.. .. come to find out he did not tell me and he actually did say that.. .. it helped me straighten out the lies, trickle truths, stonewalling, projections and gaslighting (look those up too if you havent already). it helped me stay sane in his toxic insanity.

              you will and can get thru this. Like CL says your pain is finite. which means it DOES have an end. sending you hugs on this New Years EVE. Good luck and stay strong

      • I cannot legally do those things, because it is our martial home. Or else trust me I would have done both! So we both get to live here, and for me because of my kids I have to stay l for financial reasons until our divorce is final. Trust me every day I dream about lighting all his shit on fire!

  • Does he get drunk often?

    This reminds me of the stupid things a drunk 20-something does to get in a girl’s pants. Pathetic on many levels.

    Hopefully, for you, it is a reminder of the bullet you dodged!

    Happy New Year CHUMP NATION!

  • (((((Heartbroken))))
    You will get so much advice and wisdom from CL, CN.
    I literally got chills reading your post.
    My cheater cheated when I was in first trimester for my second pregnancy, ( well, third, as second was a life threatening tubal pregnancy,which I faced alone).
    The fact that your cheater keeps doing this and you still have to live under the same roof as him. This is so very very frightening and horrible.
    I am sure there are reasons, ( financial often the biggest), but please please reach out here and in the forums, where wise, experienced Chumps will help and guide you.
    My main reason to come to CN is to encourage new Chumps to leave, run like your hair is on fire, get away, from this eveil poor excuse of a husband, and to me , the worst kind of father, EVER.
    Heartbroken, I know how your heart feels, I know it is crushing. I told no one, kept it all inside.
    Good for you for getting it out, now please please get help, somehow to get you and your precious little ones out.
    CL, CN, loves and cares for and about you. To save even one Chump is a very very happy miracle here.
    Miracles CAN happen!
    Please do all you can to be that miracle!
    ❤️

    • I can’t believe you went through that alone, I am so sorry that happened to you. I pray you and your little ones are doing better. Yeah the reason is financial, but as soon as I am able I will be out of here. I agree with every statement you’re making. I plan to run away fast, I can’t waste my one life on someone that doesn’t respect me and can treat our kids like they are nothing. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot!

      • Heartbroken,
        Very sad to hear that you are going through this experience of chronic disrespect from the person who vowed to defend and support you.
        You sound talented, strong, and quite clear-headed. I envision you experiencing much relief after your husband is officially out of your life.

        • Thank you, I think I will have a huge weight lifted once I’m out of this hell hole. Thank you for your support, I like to think I am all of those things, sometimes though he makes me second guess myself.

      • Heartbroken,
        Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words to me.
        I am an older Chump, who pick me danced, cheater stayed, changed jobs, we moved away.
        Even though I don’t believe he actually carried through on cheating again, his narc like personality made life very difficult for me and especially for our children.
        Our eldest daughter recently lost her husband, he was young, his death was very unexpected. Cheater told daughter ( whom he knew had financial difficulties that he would pay for the funeral) when she told him the price of a very modest funeral he flipped to rage cycle about the ridiculous charges funeral directors charge, blah blah blah. He paid not one cent.
        Whenever his emotional support and understanding has been needed, he has NEVER been there.
        I tell you this, because I can see YOU are a very strong, determined, young Mother. You value, and you put first, the lives of your children. This is so apparent as I read the posts to you and your replies.
        You will make it Heartbroken.
        See me, I am in front, cheering you on!
        I am so proud of you.

        (When you have children it makes it extra hard, but a mother has a built in power button making us the present sane loving parent, no matter the heartache or the cost).
        Xxxxxxxxx
        Peacekeeper

        • I’m so sorry for what your daughter went through, I can’t even imagine. I pray that she is doing better. How terrible that he didn’t help. They seem to be void of any actual emotion or empathy for anyone. Their personalities seem to be very superficial, sometimes I see the true man under all his bullshit but it’s very brief. Your words touch my heart, it is true my children mean the world to me.

          I think you are correct, we must have a built in power button because my ability to be the same loving mom for my kids hasn’t changed. Only difference is I am trying to move past the heartache in the little moments of free time I have.

        • Oh Peacekeeper, what a bastard he is! So glad you’re out of it and I hope your daughter and her children are doing better!

  • I should never expecting anything lest….
    Well well. Is English his first language?

    His poem… Means nothing.
    He wants… Centrality.
    That he eveb imagines that you would want to receive a poem from him after his conduct says alot…abouy him.

    Enjoy your kids! Have fun fun fun with them! Have a great 2019 humps grumps and all

  • mindfuck channels — rage, self-pity, and charm. Given this fuckwit’s obvious I am learning so much on this blog! I just learned about the three narcissistic mindfuck channels: rage, self-pity and charm. When I had my first d-day (found he was having sex with a 19 year old student of the university he was teaching at), he showed all three of them often in ththe same couple of sentences. He made me have her as a guest in our home and my only 15 year old son was always with the two of them (I was hi I my son had a mini crush on her). Took her on our anniversary trip to Spain to the places we met (his excuse: she organized the trip and he told her not to book hotels in the town where we met); I paid for everything (he told me I only think of money and she paid half for the hotels!!) we went into therapy, worse $140/hr spent in my life. The first therapist started saying I should try to see things under his point of view!!!! Changed therapist to a much better one. Money wasted again because (I found out on my second d-day) he never stopped seeing her. One year later he says he needs time to think and to understand how horrible life would be without me and his son. He moves out the day after we came back from our Europe vacation which was supposed to delete the past and make us a family again (our son was told so by him). I had a sign from heaven and went to the apartment just to find him there with her. The day after I went to an attorney and changed the locks. This was 6 months ago. We still have not made any move forward so I had to sue him. I already spent an inane amount of money on attorneys without obtaining anything. His attorney does not know the law and insists on something that is not the law. He is in deep debt for all the money he spent on his gal (who now changed university) and Has only one salary. I am financially independent luckily. He does not make any sense: one moment he writes he’s sorry for all the lies and the horrible things he did to me, another he writes I will not continue to manipulate and control him anymore like I for all of our lives. he left the house saying it was for a little while only, he would go back and forth and and we would have date nights, like a young couple, we would renew our vows; he left me a message in my nightstand saying “Dear Chump, I wanted to say I love you; I know it may seem as not sometimes but I do love you and I want to work at us; I am willing. I hope you will understand that one day. Your love, The Futwick”. When I found him in the apartment he screamed at me get out and and threw me out (I went and knocked at the door).
    I don’t know how much longer this thing will go on but I want to close this with him to be able to sue her (I am in one of only 4 of the US states where I can do that and I even have videos of the two of them as proof). I have 3 years to sue her from the last episode. So I need to do it in the next 2 and a half years.

    • It seems to me that many of you whose exes cheated don’t know that having a relationship with a student (pupil) is a sackable offence. You should report him to his faculty, if it’s in your interest.

      Also, don’t play this game and leave this drama by going grey rock/ NC. You both have lawyers so communicate through them. You deserve some peace and quiet and hopefully it’s clear to you that this is far beyond salvageable.

    • Welcome to the club where no one wants to be a member. Do your No Contact as much as possible – even with children and co-parenting. Read the archives for tips on this.

      No Contact reduces drama and lets you get your head clear.

  • Heartbroken, remember that there’s no better time than now, while you are still under the same roof as STBX, for you to make secret copies of the credit card statements, cell phone photos of your marital valuables he might try to steal or hide, and document any other evidence of money spent on his affairs. They will come in handy in securing you and the kids a better settlement.

      • Yes exactly get all the documents and put them in a safe place away from your home. Same applies to any valuables like jewellry( mine stole jewelry, lots of money, vehicles —none of which I got back). Go into self protective mode for you and your children.

      • Hi Heartbroken,
        My heart goes out to you – I feel your pain.
        I had 6 months of Lying Loser ‘living in’ wth us after he dumped me. My children are young adults so I can only imagine half your troubles.
        I hope you find comfort here from Chump Nation and reap the rewards of all you can learn from Chump Lady as I did.

        Here is some doggerel verse to counter the crap that MJ’s bum face wrote.
        Boundaries are best
        When Narcs test,
        and grey rock Rocks!
        When Narcs drop their jocks.
        I know you are heartbroken,
        but in my mind you are brave heart.

        Hey MJ, when he gets fighty
        Remember you are Mighty!
        Don’t listen to his lies
        Keep your eyes on the prize.
        In 2019 you’ll keep your sanity
        Living Fuckwit free.

        Happy New Year Chump Nation!!!

  • Not for nothing, MJ, but is your X a big booze hound? Because that’s the WORST “poem” I think I’ve ever read. It sounds like something he penned while sloshed.

  • KB22
    Thank you it’s a daily struggle. I don’t plan on ever sleeping with him again, I prefer to not subject myself to disease. I also can’t risk my own self respect. Although he thinks when I need it I’ll be asking him. How about no gross. I have been nice to keep the peace, but I think I’m being to nice. I need to just ignore him when he’s home completely.

    • Heartbroken, they always want what they can’t have. He can’t have you, thus his sudden intense interest in getting you into bed. It’s all a game to them, a conquest. It has nothing to do with love. If he has succeeded in bedding you, he would have discarded you for the other woman again quick smart.

      Also they have to have strange. Now you are no living in a husband a wife relationship, he sees you as the other woman to his whore. That’s exciting to him (cheating on his whore with his estranged wife). They are just vile pigs and you are doing well seeing through him. Stay strong!

  • That poem is the most pathetic thing I’ve heard since the last time my STBEX said I will always love you (channeled his inner Whitney Houston). I said no you don’t, cheating is not love. This site and one other is the reason I filed for divorce in November.

    • Congratulations on filing! Brighter days are ahead.
      Mine tried that kind of crap as well. It’s really a backhanded slap. They are condescending to you with fake expressions of love while making sure you know it’s never going to be the love you need and deserve, but you should just settle for it, because after all, they’re so awesome.

      The Asshole quoth the immortal words:

      1)”I’ll always love you, just not as a wife.”

      2) “I do love you, in my way.”

      3) “I love you, just not romantically.”

      My responses;
      1)”Hmm..how exactly do you pull off loving your wife as anything but a wife? What do you love me as then, an oversized pet? Your mommy?”

      2)”Then your way totally sucks.”

      3)”I love you too, just not really.”

      Poor sausage didn’t much care for those rejoinders, particularly the mommy part. I think that was too close to the truth, plus I said it in a sarcastic, babyish voice. It can be fun when you don’t want the twerp back because you are free to be as mean as you like.😁

  • Wishing to go back in time and change things is such a fucking cop-out! Sure, it’s easy to sound sincere and committed, to doing the truly impossible thing, like changing the past. How about wishing for the balls to do the right thing, and expressing remorse by becoming a decent human being and different from the past?
    Now that’s a truly attainable committment that time would reveal. Actions, not prose.

    • Agree. The most lazy-ass version of emotional masturbation I’ve even seen. Couldn’t even sit long enough with emotion to feel it—instead distracted himself by finding bad rhymes and creating nonsense. IMO.

  • Translation;

    I just wanted to wish me
    A future fucktoy
    And all of the things
    We drama kings enjoy
    I know that I dumped you
    But now I’m so bored
    And not enough coin
    To pay for a whore
    Tell the kids whatever
    I’ll see them soon
    The twelfth of never
    Listen up, woman
    I feel like some head
    But my usual sluts
    All wish I was dead
    But you were so special
    You gave and loved
    So I turn to you now
    To drain all your blood

    Happy holidays, baby!
    Yours truly,
    Fuckwit From Hell

  • This is the 1st year since 2014 that I didn’t feel completely miserable for Xmas or New Years. I cant explain why and not going to question it. I was alone for most of the day and spent the afternoon with a buddy and a few other people. Not too bad. Tonight I will be with some good friends, drinking and playing all sorts of games. Looking forward to it. My brother and I have started are own trucking company this passed June. 2 semis bought and paid for and moving along to our 3rd this spring. I have a lot going for me. Ive met a beautiful young lady that I’m crazy about but we are taking things at a snails pace. I don’t want to change her or her life and she feels the same way. Child support ends this May. Happy about that because I can move along from this almost 5 year freeze of my life. Again, I’m the Chump but state of Texas doesn’t care about that. As long as the higher earner pays mandated money. I imagine I’ll take a very hard earned vacation to some exotic place. Havent done anything like that since 2011 and never anything straying too far from the Disney range. Looking at Costa Rica. It comes very highly recommended by friends. Would love to hear some suggestions. Almost to Tuesday now and I can smell fresh Meh air. LOL

    • I was in Costa Rica in March (with a “solos” group – my 12th trip since the Twat left!!!). Loved it, especially Manuel Antonio National Park (and the thieving racoons). Enjoy!

    • Hi Leonidis,
      Thanks for your comment. It gives hope to us newer Chumps that life rebuild can be a reality.
      In regards to your new love, good on you! And “snails pace” is a wise move.
      I just want to add these two words: Pre Nup.
      Way back in my youthful Chump past, when I first heard of Pre Nup, I remember thinking ‘How ridiculous! Surely two people are both in love with each other to get married, and being in love means you’d do anything for your partner and why get married if you’re not willing to share?”
      Fast forward 30 years and I’m a thinking ‘He’ll to the No!’ I just want to say to my Chumpy young self: “Young Chumpy, you know you would have no qualms signing away everything to the love of your life, so why wouldnt you expect the love of your life to sign a pre nun that is fare and equitable to both you and your love?’

  • 5 years ago on this day, I was working hard trying to put on the floating cork flooring in the kitchen before i had to go back to work on Jan 3rd. The boxes of flooring had already been stacked up in my dining room waiting 3 years to be done. I had my oldest son, then 19 years old, my 24 year old nephew and my oldest friend from high school who lost a leg 10 years ago helping me. Wasband was working of course. We had to move the dryer from beneath the window to across the room. Plus move the water heater to make space for it. So had to do some plumbing and electrical work (which is where my old friend came in). By this day, we had finished the electrical (which entitled my son crawling under the house to pull the wires and drilling a hole in the concert foundation) and we just putting the finishing touches on plumbing all in 2 days work.

    for whatever reason, wasband was mad or upset (usual behavior whenever there was work to be done). he was staying late at work (or basically going to drink at a friends house because he did not want to come home and help after pulling a 14 hour work day) which i did not say anything about nor did i complain. of course he was on his own for dinner also. Point is i did not ask him for any help nor did i belittle him or make him feel badly for not helping. we were usually cleaning up by the time he came home. my helpers would leave and i would go to bed. he would either stay up to watch tv (and drink) or he would come to bed. if he came to bed, we talked a little before i feel asleep.

    Anyhow, New Years Eve 2013. we had done a lot of work, under the house and like i mentioned were just putting in the finishing touches to the plumbing, trying hard to get to the point where we can put the sub floor back to start putting in the cork flooring the next day… .. . it was clear we were not going to get there. everyone was exhausted and ready to call it a day when wasband walked in around 6 pm. (he was working 4am to 4pm shift, with a 30 minute drive to and from work). i was actually really surprised and pleased to see him come in so much earlier then his usual 9 or 10 pm arrival, secretly hoping that he would jump in and help us out. only so much a one legged man, a woman and 2 young but inexperienced men can do. But it was apparent that he had zero intention on helping us out as soon as he walked in the door. he sneered at the work we had done and ridiculed our slow progress, questioning why we were done yet. (of course we had no water while doing the plumbing, which he was gone most of the time for), just being hateful and trying to pick a fight. i was too tired to fight with him so i didnt say much to him except to tell him there was pizza on the dining room table. he then walked outside to “work” on his truck. after about an hour he came in saying he was going to the store to get some WD40. my friend said he had a new can of WD40 in the back of his truck that wasband can use. Wasband said that one can would not be enough, that he needed at least 2 cans, and said he will be right back. i just blankly looked at him, not really registering what he was saying, (still shocked that he was not HELPING us out) and just shrugged my shoulders. wasband went back outside. i did check to see if he had left yet and saw that he took the new can out of my friends truck and was working on his truck.. .i looked out 1 hour later and he was gone. no word as to where he was or anything.. .. i was to tired to care but i did mention it to my friend as an apology that wasband was not helping. i mentioned that i was surprised and was still confused. my friend must have thought i was dumb (which i was) but the only thing he told me was “Come on, Moria, when have you EVER seen a job on anything that took 2 cans of WD40!?!?! it takes me forever to go threw ONE can”.. .. and all i could react with was more shock, surprise and confusion… .. ..

    5 years ago, that New Years Eve, wasband snuck off without a word, presumably to get WD40 and never came back. By 8 pm everyone had left and i was all alone with my 2 youngest boys. (8 and 12 years old). i showered and texted wasband if he wanted to go to the local bar for new years. i got no response. i waited by the window to see him drive up. i texted him repeatedly asking if he was coming home, where was he and what was going on. by midnight, i was crying and worried and scared and hopeless desperately calling his phone. By 1 am,New Years Day 2014, i was texting him to stay where he was, with whoever it was he with. and i started packing his clothes into boxes. Like a fool, i folded and neatly packed his bags. At 3pm, i texted him that i was packing his shit and kicking him out.. . At 5am, i had to run to the McDonalds for more boxes (they have a box bin in the alley) a few blocks away. i got home 20 minutes later and he was trying to pull out of the driveway. he snuck in while i was gone and put the boxes i had in his truck and threw what was left in a trash bag. i pulled in, opened his door and punched him in the face. He had nothing to say to me. i went inside and cried. i felt like i could not breathe. i cried every single day for 10 months. i cried after finding out he had a girlfriend on feb 9, 2014. i cried when i filed the divorce papers the next day. i cried when i had to go the the mandatory parenting classing. i cried when the divorce was final on march 20, 2014. i cried during each visitation. i cried before, after and during work. i cried dropping off my kids at school, i cried picking them up. i cried the moment i woke up each morning and i cried myself to sleep every night, for 10 straight months. i still cried off and on for another year after that. By the end of 2016, i started to heal. By the end of 2017, i found my peace and accepted what my life ended up being.

    By the end of 2018, i am ready for a New Year. i STILL HATE new years celebrations. but i am not hurting about it anymore. Life is Good.. .. HAPPY NEW YEARS TO EVERYONE going thru this hell. It gets better.. ..

    • Aw, honey. How awful. But how amazing that you came through it all and are no longer hurting. You endured and you now prosper. Fuckwit, OTOH, is still a fuckwit and will never be anything more. Sucks to be him.

      I’m a little over 5 months from dday and I still cry every day. I have ptsd, depression and anxiety from the years of emotional abuse this assclown put me through. I also have a physical condition which prevents me from working, so I thought I couldn’t leave. He took advantage of that to keep me prisoner while he perpetrated the usual vile cocktail of narc abuse and manipulation tactics in addition to cheating.
      2019 is going to be a much better year to say the least.
      Happy new year to you, Mrs Vain. 😀

    • They are man-child. He didn’t want to help you but he also didn’t want you to do it, because, well, he didn’t say it was ok. The Dickhead was riding my ass having pets and wanting new furniture. He wasn’t going to buy furniture as long as we had pets (folding his arms across his chest). I looked him and informed that 1) I didn’t need his permission to buy new furniture, and 2) I didn’t need his money. I got so sick of him trying to bully and direct all the decisions.

      It’s like they want someone to take care of them and never forget your place. Heaven help you, if you feel the tiniest bit mighty and flex your muscle. The rage comes out in its full ugliness.

      You tried, and he cheated. Like you, I gave the Dickhead lots of room and he never had any rules. It still wasn’t enough. They are lacking on so many levels, constantly requiring kibbles to fill their black holes. The source dries up and they are looking for a new supply. I couldn’t keep up anymore. 2019 has got to be better than 2018, one of the worst years of my life.

      • The Twat thought that I had to ask his permission to do or buy stuff too. What a dick. I emigrated to Switzerland to work when I was 21 AND I earned more than him and all of a sudden he thinks I’m going to start asking his permission “because I’m the man”. Yeah, well act like one you dick brain!

        • I never had to ask for his permission. He always asked for mine thou. It would drive me nuts sometimes.

          He let me do everything until he didnt.

      • You just summed up my 15 year relationship (12 married) in your first three sentences…

        He did not want to help me.. .. .. but he did not want me to do it either. Not because he was trying to control me, mine was super weak, always the victim, preys on sympathy and kindness .. but too lazy and weak to do anything himself. .. he liked that I was strong, independent and mighty. .. because I did take care of everything so he did not have to do anything. .. .. but he did not want me to do certain things like the floor, and fixing the washer or toliets because it made him “feel bad”.. .. especially if he knew he should be helping me, that it was the right thing to do was to help me and if other people would find out he wasnt as helpful (or as wonderful) as he pretended to be.. … if it were something the man had to do, he would often wait until I turned into a nagging whining bitch.. … sometimes waiting over a year or 3 before I bleed up.. .. of course then he tells others how badly I treated him. He needed an excuse to drink without bothering his conscience.

        I dont know how many times he cheated on me. I only know of 2 times where I actually caught him. But I suspected many others. He was very very good at hiding it. The 2 I caught him in were due to many hours of watching him, chasing him, tracking him and playing marriage cop. … ..

        No rules, very little responsibilities, I asked very little of him. Not only do they lacking on so many levels and need constant kibble or reinforcement but they are very very shallow.. .. they are just not very deep so they dont have any deep feelings or long lasting feelings./emotions.. .. .. they dont have a ocean of love or happiness, for them it is like a shallow puddle. And last just as long. ..

        I think it is sad. But that is the way he wants to be. He does not or can not put in the effort to better himself….. .. and it almost killed me trying to love him.

        I am so much better now after 5 years of his leaving. . . . It was not what I wanted. It hurts me to know he is homeless but i also understand there is nothing i can do for him any more.. .. i have peace in my life now. He will forever be miserable. He might fall in love for a year or 3 but like everything else in his life. It won’t last. I wish him peace but I have my peace

  • Print off the poem. Take a shit. Wipe ass with poem paper. (Ewww .:. but it gets better.)
    Send it to your ex fucktard saying, “look fucker – if I wanted to hear from a shit cunt, I’d wipe back to front then queef”. You’re still a shit cunt. The only difference now – you’re a registered shit cunt. You’re welcome. ❤️

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