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Jingle Meh?

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Dear Chump Lady,

While I’m working on getting out of my situation, I sometimes distract myself with a little mental daydreaming and write new lyrics to classic songs. They’re not always great works, but it’s a method of stress relief that’s kind fun.

Because it’s Christmas, here’s a festive little diddy for your mild amusement.

Sung to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Cell phones ding, he’s a-whispering
You’re down the hall, trying to listen
A promise was made
That he’ll get away
Sneaking to another woman’s bed

Not far behind, is the P.I.
He’s got them pegged, her and your guy
She pours him a wine
Says “babe you are mine”
Sneaking to another woman’s bed

In the morning you will call the lawyer
But pretend at home that all is fine
You’ll say “are you hungry”
He’ll say “no hon
but I gotta run to work and
find a file” *wink wink*

Later on, you’ll conspire
With legal teams that you’ve hired
To face unafraid
To send him away
For sneaking to another woman’s bed

Merry Chumpmas to all who are working their way out of Chumpland!

Cracker

Dear Cracker,

Very clever! Nothing like taking the spirit of the holidays and infusing it with snark. I believe a Friday Challenge is in order — Subverted Xmas Tunes.

I’m Dreaming of a… Life Without You (Just Like the One I Used to Know)

Oh Come Ye Merry Gentlemen (in Pictures on Your Phone)

What Cell Is This? (That Laid to Rest While I Was Sleeping?) 

Knock yourself out, CN. Or have another Christmas cookie!

TGIF!

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  • Siiiiilent Cell… Hooooolllly Shit… You’re too calm, ’cause you’re not briiiiight…

    Hey, I *am* getting in the holiday spirit!

    Happy Solstice Everyone! 💚❤💚❤🎄🎁⛄💚❤💚❤

  • Dashing through the traffic, trying to get to whore, laughing all the way, at all the tricks you play
    Bells will surely ring, but not the way you think, you and she both stink, and will rot in hell someday…..oh

    What an ass
    What an ass
    Blowing our lives up
    Oh what fun
    It has been
    To leave you with your ho!

    Happy “Jingle Bells” to all!

    • Hahaha! Good job. We have some very creative chumps here. I can’t wait to see how this thread “blows” up this weekend!

      • I can’t wait, too… especially after some of us have had a glass or two of spiked eggnog at weekend Christmas parties and the full power of our creativity is unleashed.

      • I’m loving this.. think I’m going to find my holiday spirit.
        Thanks CL & CN. You all have helped save me.
        Happy holidays all!
        💓

  • It came upon a midnight clear
    That jowl-ous whore so bold
    Who text’d my husband from our bed
    Their hearts- they are so cold.
    “The babies are so colicky
    And you seem to have control.
    I’ll go for a walk to clear my head.
    I can’t handle this at all!”

  • Dancing around the Christmas tree, with an STD from you
    Having great fun in the stirrups while the doctor fixes me
    You and the whore deserve each other
    And belong in hell for sure
    And later you can find
    Another whore cause you’ll never come back to me.

    You will get a special feeling while she steals from you
    And you’ll never know it’s coming cause your special indeed

    So rock it away, far from here
    And never grace my door again
    I’ll be happy here with our two kids
    And my new life cheater free!

    Sigh…have to go to work now! Merry Christmas to all (except cheaters)!

  • What man is this, who laid to rest on OW’s lap is sleeping?
    While angel’s tweet, who is this cheat, while everyone is watching.
    This, this is the cheater king who whore’s embrace so he thinks he’s king.
    Haste, haste to bring him laud, the cheater husband of Mary.

  • Narc-Ex got run over by the legal system
    Cheating abusing stealing at our house Christmas eve
    You can say there’s no such thing as Karma
    But as for me and CN we believe

  • Last Christmas a gave you my heart
    By the May you had thrown it away
    This year after so many tears
    You’re living with slut she’s so special

    Once bitten twice shy
    You’ve started hoovering
    Trying to catch my eye
    Tell me fuckwit
    Do you recognise me
    The way you’ve treated me
    A thought you dispised me

  • Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells:

    Alimony check
    Alimony check
    Alimony alllll the way

    Oh what fun it is to ride in a car that my ex just paid, hey!

    Alimony check
    alimony check
    Alimony alllll the way

    Oh what fun for his new bride when she finds his addiction to cake!

  • Who’s got a whore and a wife appliance too?
    Cheater’s got a whore and a wife appliance too.
    Who texts his mistress from the loo?
    Cheater texts his mistress from the loo.
    Texts in loo.
    Wife appliance too.
    Must be cheater,
    Must be cheater,
    Must be cheater and his Ho!

    • Who’s got a secret bank account?
      Cheater’s got a secret bank account.
      Who’s got a younger whore to mount?
      Cheater’s got a younger whore to mount.
      Whore to mount.
      (Secret) bank account.
      Must be cheater,
      Must be cheater,
      Must be cheater and his Ho!
      Must be cheater

    • As a music teacher who had 7 performances and 3 church services in the last 9 days before Christmas vacation, I could do this all day!

      Who banged his mistress in our bed?
      Cheater banged his mistress in our bed.
      Who’s got more hair on his back than his head?
      Cheater’s got more hair on his back than his head.
      Hair on head,
      In our bed,
      Must be cheater,
      Must be cheater,
      Must be cheater and his Ho!

    • I’ve always hated this song until now! There will never be another version for me. It’s already stuck in my head.

    • “Who texts his mistress from the loo”– DYING!

      This whole post is full of awesome!

      Happy Solstice, and may all your Christmases be fuckwit free!

  • Oh hoey night,
    The glitter shines so brightly,
    As he appears with his penis in hand,
    A thrill of joy,
    the asswipes finally leaving,
    For i now gain,
    a new and glorious life,
    Fall on your knees,
    You digusting nasty whore,
    Your asshole is coming,
    To be your shining knight,
    You skanky bitch,
    What a prize you’ve won,
    Oh night oh glorious night,
    Rejoice rejoice,
    Chump nations cheering you on,
    Oh night i am freeeeeeeee,
    And chump nation cheers with me!!!!!!!!

    I sang in glee club for many years so to honor my beloved music teacher i did the ending her way. Rest in peace miss h. That was fun thanks chump lady!

  • Funny… its been done already by someone named Bob Rivers…

    Walking Around In Women’s Underwear Lyrics

    “Lacey things, the wife is missing.
    Didn’t ask, for her permission
    I’m wearing her clothes,
    Her silk pantyhose.
    Walking ’round in women’s underwear.

    In the store, there’s a teddy.
    With little straps, like spagHetti.
    It holds me so tight,
    Like handcuffs at night.
    Walking ’round in women’s underwear

    In the office there’s a guy named Melvin.
    He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
    He’ll say “Are you ready?”
    I’ll say, “Woah man! Lets wait until the wife is out of town.”
    Later on, if you wanna,
    We can dress, like Madonna.
    Put on some eye shade, and join the parade.
    Walking ’round in women’s underwear.

    Lacey things, missing.
    Didn’t ask, permission.
    Wearing her clothes, silk pantyhose.
    Walking ’round in women’s underwear.
    Walking ’round in women’s underwear.
    Walking ’round in women’s underwear…… “

  • Fucking dicks fucking dicks fucking all the way
    Oh what fun it is to fuck another dick today AAY!
    Fucking dicks fucking dicks fucking all the way
    BH swears, who fucking cares, one less dick to lay!

    Shitting bricks shitting bricks shitting bricks today
    BH filed, now I’m riled, he won’t get his way AAY!
    He will fight, I’ll gaslight, he will try to say
    “I get kids”, judge forbids, BH screwed anyway!

  • I’ve always had a problem with “Baby It’s Cold Outside” so here goes…

    You really can’t stay
    But baby it’s cold outside
    You’ve got to get out
    But baby it’s cold outside
    This butt dial you sent, was the last straw
    But it was only one time I swear
    My mother was right about you
    Your mother raised a bunch of shrews
    My sister heard about you from your whore
    Can I just have a few drinks more?
    I need to get on with my life
    But you’re my appliance called “wife”
    You can spend the rest of your days in strife
    Cuz baby it’s cold outside.

  • You better watch out
    You made your spouse cry
    You idiot lout
    With monkeys that fly
    She hired the best lawyer in town.

    He knows where you’ve been sleepin’
    Your ass he gonna bake
    He knows that you’ve been bad not good
    So your cash he’s gonna take.

    Oh, you better not shout
    Yeah, don’t even try
    OW has a face like a trout
    (Cell phone pics never lie)
    The karma bus is comin’ to town.

  • This is not a Christmas song. But I used to sing to myself.
    Shes a very skanky girl the kind you don’t take home to Momma. She will never let your secrets out. Cause she knows she will lose her pool partner. Once you get off her feet.
    She likes her cousins hubby.
    She says he is her all time favorite.
    When they make the move on the pool table it gotta be quick.
    The girl is a skank now
    The Girl’s a super skanky
    The kind of girl that screws Trump
    She a super skank a super skank yea

    I know it is juvenile. But, it was fun to sing.

  • I’ll be ‘meh’ for Christmas
    I don’t really care
    We’ll have real serenity
    And peace without you there

    Christmas Eve is finally
    Tranquil and stress-free
    I’ll be meh for Christmas
    And you’ll have RPD

  • I wish ex a crappy Christmas
    I wish ex a crappy Christmas
    I wish ex a crappy Christmas and an awful New Year
    Bad tidings I wish for ex and his ho
    Bad tidings for Christmas and an awful New Year
    Oh bring me my alimony
    Oh bring me my alimony
    Oh bring me my alimony and a stress free new life

  • Joy to the chump, the ex is done
    Let her receive her things
    Let every shmoop prepare him room
    And flying monkeys sing
    And flying monkeys sing
    And off goes the chump to sell her rings

    Joy to the world, the state of meh reigns
    Let chumps snark songs employ
    While n’er again untangling skeins
    Repeat the sounding joy
    Repeat the sounding joy
    Repeat, repeat the left-a-cheater-gained-a-life joy!

  • I’m Dreaming of your whore’s Christmas
    Just like your countless ones of old
    Where the strippers glisten
    And the gold diggers listen
    And believe all many lies you’ve told.

  • You know Wiener and McDermott and Watts and Clinton
    Tiger and Spitzer and Sanford and Simpson
    But do you recall
    The most famous cheater of all?

    Assbrain the Long-Nosed Adulterer
    Had a very peculiar nose
    And if you ever saw it
    You would even say it grows

    All of the other cheaters
    Used to think he was lame
    They never let Sad Sausage
    Join in any Cheater games

    Then one rainy October night
    Ho-worker came to say
    Assbrain, with your lies so bright
    Will you be my “friend” tonight?”

    Then how the cheaters loved him
    As they shouted out with glee
    “Assbrain the Long-Nosed Adulterer
    You’ll be going down to Hell with me!!!!”

  • Shady car lots, city park paths
    That’s where they met
    In the air
    There’s the thrill
    Of cheating
    Children crying
    Liars lying
    Meeting up on the sly
    And from every Swiss Friendship you hear
    “It’s your fault, it’s your fault”
    “What did you do to poor cheater?”
    I don’t care – it’s not my fault
    Soon it will be divorce day
    Hear the gaslight
    Feel the mad spite
    As he blames you again
    The cheaters rush home to
    Their crushed wives
    Hear the blameshift
    See your mighty lift
    This is Chumpy’s way out
    And above all the venom
    You’ll hear
    Leave a Cheater – Get a Life
    Soon it will be divorce day!

  • Cheater yells, what fresh hells
    Narcissist time in the city.
    Ding-a-ling’s, cell phone blings
    Soon it will be his dday.

    See the side-hos, skanky side-hos
    Dressed in spouse poacher style
    In the air there’s the scent of deception.
    Cheaters laughing, gaslights gassing
    Spouses try all the while
    This is what every chump fears.

    Cheater yells, what fresh hells
    Narcissist time in the city.
    Ding-a-ling’s, cell phone blings
    Soon it will be his dday.

    Strings of hard nights, endless gaslights
    It’s a real nightmare scene.
    And the cheater’s insane by all measures.
    Watch his face bunch, hear your heart crunch
    This is the big d-day
    But beyond all his hustle you hear.

    Wedding bells, now sweet death knells
    It’s freedom time for all chumpies.
    Our chains we fling, our walls they sing
    Soon it will be true meh day.

  • Cheaters nuts roasting on an open fire
    Jack Frost, the divorce lawyer at the door
    Burner phone vibrating, hiding in a drawer
    Calls from the OW who’s vagina will never tire…

  • You know Flashin and Dancin and Prancin and Lickin,
    Cummin and Dupe-her and Bong-her and Clits -in.
    But do you recall, the most famous AP of all?

    Schmoopie, the red-nosed Whore-Slut
    Had a very 80-proof nose
    And if you ever saw her
    You would have to say, “She goes” (nudge nudge)
    All of the other APs
    Had lesser jobs that didn’t pay
    And they wouldn’t let poor Dickwad
    Play and drink and fuck all day.
    Then one special holiday
    Dickwad came to say
    “AP with your nose so red
    Won’t you climb right in my bed?”
    Then AP said she loved him
    Trapped him in her family.
    Dickwad and AP Whore-Slut
    Will go down in misery!

  • Oh thank you Chump Nation, I haven’t laughed so much in 5years, I’m feeling the holiday spirit again. So in awe of the brilliance of all you mighty folks. Going to keep these singing these classic songs!

  • Hey, texty text, hee haw, hee haw
    It’s Whorela, the adulterer
    Sucky suck, hee haw, hee haw
    Blow jobs a-plenty
    La, la, la, la-la, la-la-la-la
    La, la, la, la-la, I’m free at last.

    Sung to Dominick the Donkey. The donkey imagery seems appropriate.

  • Hark, that telltale cellphone zing
    Whores on holidays always ring.
    Moral dearth and sluts gone wild
    Newsflash: I won’t reconcile.

    Joyful, all chump nation rise
    Join the triumph of getting lives
    With angelic CL proclaim
    Perel does not deserve the fame

    Hark, the mighty chump walls sing
    Glorious is the might we bring.

  • Silent night,
    I lay in fright,
    that he’ll wake,
    And start a fight…
    Holy Father protect me from him,
    Help me escape this life that is grim.
    He sleeps while i lay awaaaaake
    Planning my bless-ed escape.

    ***we are divorced now thank God****

  • My attempt to come up with something in a hurry for Christmas bells:

    I was so mad
    He is so bad
    What can I say
    He went away
    Left me for a selfish slut
    Who let him fuck her butt
    Now he is gone
    Left me alone
    It’s better here
    Look forward to next year
    Without asshole here to ruin it
    With all his lies and stupid shit
    Now…that… he’s….. left….
    I….can…..gain…a life….
    Who needs that dick
    Making me sick
    Now I am free
    Doing great yay me

  • Oh, there’s no place like two homes for the holidays
    ‘Cause no matter how far away Sparkledick roams
    When he pines for the sunshine of a friendly gaze
    For the holidays Sparkledick can’t beat two, cake eating homes!

    I met a guy who lives in Tennessee, and he was headin’ for
    Pennsylvania and some homemade schmoopie pie
    From Pennsylvania folks are travellin’
    Down to Dixie’s sunny shore
    From Atlantic to Pacific
    Gee the traffic is terrific!

    Oh, there’s no place like two homes for the holidays
    ‘Cause no matter how far away Sparkledick roams
    If he wanna to be happy in a million ways
    For the holidays he can’t beat two cake eating homes!

  • On the first day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me one nasty STD
    On the second day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me two weeping children and one nasty STD
    On the third day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the fourth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the fifth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the sixth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the seventh day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the eighth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the ninth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 9 character assassinating rumors, 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the tenth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 10 months of raging e-mails, 9 character assassinating rumors, 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the eleventh day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 11 months of whiny poor me phone calls, 10 months of raging e-mails, 9 character assassinating rumors, 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
    On the twelfth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 12 wasted years, 11 months of whiny poor me phone calls, 10 months of raging e-mails, 9 character assassinating rumors, 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.

  • Ok. I am not getting much done at work today:

    Looks like TooSmart beat me to it but here is my version (disclaimer, not my experience exactly).

    On the first day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me an SSS TTTTTT D.

    On the second day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me two stupid lies and an SSS TTTTTT D.

    On the third day of Christmas my (not) true love gave me to three lame excuses, two stupid lies and an SSS TTTTTT D.

    On the fourth day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me four attempts at blameshift, three lame excuses, two stupid lies and an SSS TTTTTT D.

    On the fifth day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me five…promises…to…reform…, four attempts at blameshift, three lame excuses, two stupid lies and an SSS TTTTTT D.

    Etc. Here is the final list below:

    1. STD
    2. Stupid lies
    3. Lame excuses
    4. Attempts at blameshift
    5. Promises to reform
    6. More texts to Schmoopie
    7. Nights a sneaking
    8. Telltale e-mails
    9. Explicit photos
    10. Smug confessions
    11. Divorce concessions
    12. Years of Alimony

  • Little (can’t) Cummer Boy

    Come she begged him, old frumpy dumb dumb
    His limp dick in her mouth, old frumpy dumb dumb
    She licked and sucked all night, old frumpy dumb dumb
    She tried with all her might, old frumpy dumb dumb, but he can’t come, cheater can’t come.

    So she danced for him, old frumpy dumb dumb,
    His CPAP keeping time, old frumpy dumb dumb
    Her toothless grin for him, old frumpy dumb dumb,
    His hand goes up and down, old
    frumpy dumb dumb, still he can’t come, cheater can’t come

  • Jingle bells, just a friend,
    is texting cheater again
    despite what he said
    and decades wed
    he f****d her in our bed.

    Jingle yay, one fine day
    I will be legally free
    leave a cheater
    gain a life
    its a better way to be

  • Oh my gosh I so needed this today. Was feeling blue because this will be the 1st Christmas in 28 years I haven’t spent with fuckwit. Thank you for making me laugh chump nation. I will try to make my own song.

  • Ode to Chump Nation
    Cheaters.Don’t. Change.
    Let Chump receive her Meh
    Let Divorce Lawyers prevail
    And Parenting Software be the Mail
    And Chump and Children sing
    And Chump and Children sing
    Oh Tracy and the Blog, let Chumps reign

  • (Sung to the tune of Elvis’ ‘Blue Christmas’

    I’ll have a Meh Christmas without you
    I’ll be so Meh, not thinking about you
    Declarations of dread will no longer be launched at me
    Because I am not there to receive them, you see?

    And when those Meh snowflakes start falling,
    Don’t even think about calling
    You’ll be deep in debt dung
    With your shmoopie, so young

    But I’ll have a Meh, Meh Christmas!

  • Tune: a Christmas Song : also known as -Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

    His nuts roasting like they’re fire
    Jacked Frost nipping at his dick
    Fool rides Carol, he’s being rung by another
    The fucks dressed up like 2 bag hos

    Everybody knows a cheater with some mistletoe
    Is all it takes with schoomie, not so bright
    Tiny dick with his eyes all agog
    Will find it hard – to get hard – tonight

    He wonders if the pill will work
    She packed lots of sex toys and goodies for this foray.

    And every cheaters AP is going to spy, to see if cheater is also cheating on her…

    And so I’m offering this simple phrase, to all chumps, old and new,
    Although it’s been said many times, many ways.
    Lawyer up now, go no contact now. Toooooooo-daaaay

    Merry Christmas!
    (Okay not fabulous, but fun as hell!)

    • I think it’s fabulous!! They really are scum and I’m getting to be so very glad that I’m free of the Dickhead.

      • Thanks Ms Bailey! can’t carry a tune and am not nearly as clever. But wow, This is the first Christmas that I have actually been joyful, happy and meh.

        It truly is a wonderful life! (gaining the life I imagined!)

  • Jingle balls
    I know more each day
    All the Games you played
    Deceit and lies you tell
    You do it very well
    I was Chumped far to Long for not seeing all the wrong !
    Oh Cheaters know
    How they glow
    Those secrets how they hide
    Now I know
    And here I go
    To try and save my pride
    STD’s texts and deeds
    Deception in phone calls
    You’ve had your fun
    and now we’re done
    My dark days will return to Sun !

  • Not dashing ‘cause she’s a ho
    She likes to part her legs
    O’er to the back seat she goes
    In the family Cheverolet

    Bells on cell phone ring
    Secret texting into the night
    What fun it is to have a fling
    Next morning she picks a fight.

    Oh single soon, single soon
    Lawyers work away
    What fun it is
    To laugh and sing
    As I wait for judgment day.

  • It’s beginning to look a lot like Dickless
    In his dick photo
    Take a look at his flaccid member
    On the twenty fifth of December
    The picture that he will text his ho.

    It’s beginning to look a lot like Dickless
    Sex toys for his whore
    But the most hideous sight you see is the dick pic of he
    And his chancre sore.

    A script for Cialis won’t cure his syphllis
    And Viagra won’t work either
    Some Cipro for Ho or else she won’t blow, cause she’s got gonorrhea.

    It’s beginning to look a lot like Dickless
    His cell phone is so chirpy
    Just one thing more as he runs to the store
    For some Valtrex for his Herpes.

  • Sung to the tune of The First Noel

    The first dday
    The cheater did swear
    I am a changed man
    And no more affairs

    He hoovered like a champ
    For a couple of months
    Got drunk and fell into
    Some hooker’s cunt

    Dday dday dday oy vey
    How many times must you live through that day

    The second dday
    The RIC con
    Told you you failed
    ’cause you put mom jeans on

    If you’d only embraced
    Your inner porn whore
    Jerkoff would want you
    And cheat nevermore

    Dday dday dday oy vey
    How many times must you live through that day

    This time will be the last
    Because CN has helped
    You got a lawyer
    Said “go fuck yourself!”

    The therapist intoned
    “You must accept blame.”
    You fired her on the spot
    And called her rude names

    Dday dday dday no way
    Never again will you live through that day

  • Jingle balls
    I know more each day
    All the Games you played
    Deceit and lies you tell
    You do it very well
    I was Chumped far to Long for not seeing all the wrong !
    You tripped and fell stuck her so well
    While I lie at your feet
    Oh
    Oh Cheaters know
    How they glow
    Those secrets how they hide
    Now I know
    And here I go
    To try and save my pride

    STD’s texts and deeds
    Deception in phone calls
    You’ve had your fun
    and now we’re done
    My dark days will return to Sun !

  • On the Twelth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
    Twelve lies again
    Eleven bills unpaid
    Ten excuses
    Nine name callings
    Eight jobs unfinished
    Seven contradictions
    Six raging moments
    Five strange phone calls
    Four pity parties
    Three blank looks
    Two hours missing
    and one S T D

  • Oh, what the hell, I’ll do it again, this time about my own story.

    Sung to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree

    Oh cheater creep
    Oh cheater creep
    Your long affair has ended

    Oh cheater creep
    Vile cheater creep
    My broken heart’s not mended

    The hoover train has now derailed
    Your bullshit claims completely failed

    Oh cheater creep
    Narc cheater creep
    You lied and you pretended

    Oh cheater creep
    Gross cheater creep
    Told slut you like my baking

    Oh cheater creep
    Sick cheater creep
    Your family’s forsaken

    You spoke of love and deep remorse
    But now I know you planned divorce

    Oh cheater creep
    Sick cheater creep
    Don’t bother to keep faking

    Oh cheater creep
    Sad cheater creep
    Goodbye to boozy lunches

    Oh cheater creep
    Dumb cheater creep
    No spin class and no crunches

    The joys of public finger bangs
    Are in the past, your fat head hangs

    Oh cheater creep
    Ex cheater creep
    Your face could use some punches

  • Irving Berlin gets it right in White Christmas:

    Love, you didn’t do right by me
    You planned a romance that hadn’t a chance
    And I’m through
    I’m back on the shelf and I’m blaming myself’
    But its you

    My one love affair didn’t get anywhere
    From the start.
    To send me a Joe who had winter and snow in his heart
    Wasn’t smart

    Love, you didn’t do right by me
    As they say in the song
    You done me wrong

    Sung by Rosemary Clooney in the most awesome dress.

  • We 3 Cheaters of orient are
    Bare-ing whores we traverse afar
    In hotels we fuck them while at “conf’rences”
    Or desperately, in the car

    O-ho, drawers of wonderful delight
    Stripped off for th’ adult’rous night
    Truth denying, always lying
    Our families’ lives we blight

    Do feel free to add verses!

    • We three whores who’ved hummered your spouse
      Charge him double ’cause he’s so gross
      His whining painful
      Demanding anal
      He brings us to your house

      Oh, jerking off on your clean bed
      But with you his dick is dead
      Shifting blame, he has no shame
      Runs off to get ego fed

      We three skanks who work with your guy
      All have been his piece on the sly
      Wife discarding gets him hardening
      Giving us all creampie

      Oh, now you know how low he’ll go
      Squeeze the sleaze for all the dough
      He’ll be stalling, begging, crawling
      Grey rock his ass and go.

    • A different twist… dedicated to divianas and Lemonbirch, aka the Sisterhood of the Traveling Chumps

      We three wives from Chump Nation are
      Exes now and traverse afar
      Coast to coast, desert and mountain
      Following mighty meh

      Oh, meh of wonder, meh of might
      Meh with peace and fresh insight
      New life leading, done proceeding
      With divorce…now all is right

  • Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
    But the very next day you gave it away
    This year, I’ve dried up my tears
    and will keep it for someone special

    Last Christmas, I foolishly gave
    my love to you, vowed to be your slave
    This year I finally see
    Something about you is BPD

    Once bitten and twice a cuck
    I keep my distance
    Because you really do suck
    Tell me, baby
    Do you recognize me?
    Well, it’s been a year
    It doesn’t surprise me
    (Merry Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
    With a note saying, “I love you, ” I meant it
    Now, I know what a fool I’ve been
    And if you kissed me now
    You would not fool me again

    Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
    But the very next day you gave it away
    This year, I’ve dried up my tears
    and will keep it for someone special

    Etc., etc.

  • ‘O Leave All You Faithless’

    ‘Silent Night, No Contact Night… All Is Well…. All is Right’

    ‘Psycho Got Ran Over By A Reindeer’

  • I’m loving this.. think I’m going to find my holiday spirit.
    Thanks CL & CN. You all have helped save me.
    Happy holidays all!
    💓

  • Ha! I love this! Here’s my rendition of Away in a Manger:

    Away with a Stranger
    Too cheap for a bed
    He took his bored Penis
    Out looking for head

    The Stars in his eyes
    Looked up on the stage
    and waved a few dollars
    at girls half his age

    Surmising their target
    They led him right quick
    Where hidden, in private
    They danced on his dick

    No longer bored Penis
    Reached up to the the sky
    Til 5 minutes later
    When wallet ran dry

    (Merry Christmas, ya Filthy Animal!)

  • “Sung to Up on the Housetop”

    _______________________________________

    Up on the whore’s house
    Cheaters pause
    Out jumps good old Cheater Clause
    Down in her coochie with lots of jizz
    All for the glory of getting his

    Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Who wouldn’t go?
    Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Wife doesn’t know.
    Up on the housetop click! Click! Click!
    Down in her coochie with cheaters dick!

    First comes the tracking of his cell,
    Oh, dear spyware, let it tell!
    Give her the scheme of all his lies,
    And all the gifts for her he buys.

    Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Who didn’t know?
    Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Who didn’t know?
    Off to the hoe’s house, click! Click! Click!
    Down to divorce court, you stupid dick.

    Next comes the big ol legal bill,
    Oh, just see what a climb uphill!
    Here is a picture and a film,
    Also, a note that does him in.

    Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! He wouldn’t go!
    Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! He wouldn’t go!
    Up to the courthouse, click! Click! Click!
    Get the fuck out, you miserable dick!

  • Mine is a Minister – so this seams fitting:

    Oh cum all ye faithful
    Joyful and triumphant
    Oh cum ye, oh cum ye to total bedlam
    Cum and behold him
    Born the king of assholes!

    Oh cum let us adore him
    Oh cum let us adore him
    Oh cum let us adore him
    Jesus Christ!

    I imagine this being sung by Eddie Izard in a pair of rather nice 4 inch stilettos 👠

  • Dashing out the door,
    Phone firmly in your hand,
    Texting all the way,
    Wifey doesn’t understand

    Chump doesn’t know a thing,
    She’s doing the parenting
    Oh I’m so clever she’ll never know
    My new friend makes my baubles ring.

  • It took me a bit to get my creative juices flowing, but once they were, I quite enjoyed this challenge! 🙂

    Gaslight herrrr
    Minimizeeeee
    Always plaaaay victim
    Oh what fun, it is to fog her mind with machinaaaa-tions!

    Poor, poor me
    You’re so dumb
    This is all your fault
    Oh what fun, my life will be when I drive you through a wallllll!

    Dashing from the truth
    In a haste to victim blame
    O’er the lies we go
    Raging all the wayyyy – ho ho ho
    Mindfuck reigns supreme
    Making your heart sink
    What fun it is to cheat and lie and act like it’s okay!

    Ohhhhh

    Jingle bells
    Abuse smells
    Get it out your life
    You will be much happier when you are not their wiiiiife!

    Jingle bells
    Cheaters smell
    Kick them to the curb
    Lock the doors to your mind and heart ’til they cannot be heard!

  • Spreading your legs
    To bartender bitch boy
    Blowing up our lives
    And fucking all the way
    HO HO HO
    Blame everything on me
    When it’s really you
    Taking all our money and racking up the debt
    Oh my ex wife
    Your a slut and
    I’m just a chump
    You said you were going to the gym
    But you never lost the weight Bitch
    You broke apart your family to be with him
    Now he kicked you to the curb cause karma is a Bitch
    Jingle his balls
    Jingle his balls
    Stay away from me
    No contact is a true blessing
    For all I need is me

    Wishing all the chumps happy holidays from one chump to another. I’m 10 months out from my last Dday(there were multiple) and feeling great! I focus on myself and my kids and trying to enjoy and cheater free life! Nobody deserves a partner like that, there lose!

  • Hark! the herald angels sing,
    “Glory to the walls that sing!
    Peace on earth, I’m free at last
    Thank God this chump didn’t reconcile.
    Joyful, all ye chump nations, rise,
    Join the triumph of the skies;
    With th’ angelic host proclaim,
    Freedom is born in Chump Nation!
    Hark! the herald angels sing,
    Glory to your new freedom.
    Chumps by highest integrity adored:
    Tracy as the everlasting Wise one
    Regardless of where chumps do come
    Changing the narritive one by one.

  • This really is brilliant. Perfect scansion. And the wit! I just sang it to my chump guy and we are dying here.

  • ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
    Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
    The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
    (And the decree nisi soon would be in there);
    The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
    While visions of sane parents danced in their heads;
    And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and dog on the rug,
    Had just settled down for a long winter’s hug,
    When out on the lawn there arose such a shock,
    I thought, ‘It’s the ex’, and I grabbed my new Glock
    Away to the window I flew like a flash,
    Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
    The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
    Gave lustre to trash cans and their overflow,
    The shattered golf clubs and the rickety shelves –
    And a Lady Called Chump, and her Seven Pinecone Elves!
    More rapid than eagles her coursers she came,
    And she whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
    “Now, CLOSURE! now, KIBBLES! now, NARKLES and GLITTER!
    On, IMITATION NAUGHAHYDE! UBT and TWITTER!
    To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
    Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
    As bullshit excuses before Chump Nation fly,
    When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
    So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
    With the sleigh full of help, and dear Chump Lady too.
    And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the shelf
    The prancing and dancing of each little elf.
    As I drew in my gun, and was turning around,
    Down the chimney Chump Lady came with a bound.
    She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her shoe,
    And her clothes were a-shine with advice good and true;
    A bundle of gifts she had flung like a swag,
    And she looked like salvation in heavy male drag.
    Her eyes — how they twinkled! her dimples how merry!
    Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry!
    Her droll potty mouth was awry with a groan,
    And the curls on her head had a life of their own;
    The stump of a blowpipe she held in her jaws,
    And the darts that it fired solved our everyday sores;
    She had a broad face and a little round belly,
    That shook, when she laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
    She was chubby and plump, a right jolly young elf,
    And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself;
    A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
    Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
    She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
    And filled all the stockings; got rid of the jerk,
    And laying her finger aside of her nose,
    And giving a nod, up the chimney she rose;
    She sprang to her sleigh, to her team gave a whistle,
    And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
    But I heard her exclaim, ere she drove out of sight,
    HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!

    • Lola, so glad I came back to see if there was anything new poetical that I missed over the past couple of days. Love this! Well done tribute to our Santa Lady called Chump and her Seven Pinecone Elves.

  • Ohhhh all the great minds here think alike. Three weeks ago I told my best friend we need a new Christmas song about the family dysfunction during the holidays. We are not done with it, but we want the tune to echo the songs “Oh There’s No Place like Home for the Holidays.” and “It’s Beginning to look a Lot like Christmas.” (That first could be easily changed to “There is No Place for Ho’s for the Holidays” and the second “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot like Divorce Court.”)

    But, that wasn’t what I was writing. I was writing something called “It’s So Fun for the Holidays.”
    And here are some of the words. Can anyone one out there add to these…?

    Oh It’s So Fun for the Holidays

    Oh It’s so fun for the holidays,
    Candles are everywhere,
    Families making memories,
    Whether here or there.

    Holidays are such a special time,
    So colorful and bright,
    And the people are so crazy,
    Nothing is wrong or right.

    Grandpa asks to pull his finger,
    Mom and Oxycontin are passed out on the couch,
    The other woman wants to linger,
    And everyone says mom is such a grouch.

    Holidays are such a special time,
    So colorful and bright,
    And the people are so crazy,
    Nothing is wrong or right.

    Auntie’s on the bedroom floor,
    Barfing up her lunch.
    But that, okay that’s ok,
    The dogs says, “It’s more to munch.”

    Oh It’s so fun for the holidays,
    Candles are everywhere,
    Families making memories,
    Whether here or there.

    Cousin has brought her tranny boyfriend,
    And caused Grandma to pee her pants again,
    Cousin says that if he doesn’t wear a dress,**
    they’ll never f*ck again.

    Holidays are such a special time,
    So colorful and bright,
    And the people are so crazy,
    Nothing is wrong or right.

    The rat just ate the mistletoe,
    The cat ate dad’s stash of weed,
    Dad is high on catnip,
    Yelling he just wants to spread his seed.

    Oh It’s so fun for the holidays,
    Candles are everywhere,
    Families making memories,
    Whether here or there.

    Father-in-law is stoically complaining
    Because MIL won’t do threesomes
    Grandma’s yelling “there’s no free milk”
    So father-in-law goes hunting for elk.

    Holidays are such a special time,
    So colorful and bright,
    And the people are so crazy,
    Nothing is wrong or right.

    Anyone care to add a verse?

    **Note: I fully support the LGBTQ community and voted to legalize gay marriage. But, the one true verse in that song is about a female cousin who brought her boyfriend home for the Thanksgiving dinner my 93-year-old grandma was hosting with 93-year-old (Archie Bunker) grandpa. Allegedly female cousin told her longterm boyfriend that if he did not wear a dress, high heels, make-up, and change his name to Ashley, she would never “f” him again. My grandparents had only met my female cousin’s boyfriend as a man before and she had been with this man for a long time. (And it was my female cousin who came up with the idea he had to be a girl or she would break up with him. This was NOT his choice). And no one warned my grandparents this would happen. And this poor guy is so in love with my cousin he actually dressed up as a girl in an attempt to keep her. If he did this of his own volition, more POWER TO HIM. But he did it under duress in an attempt to please and keep her.

    Who thought duress could be under a dress? (A play on words).

    I have no contact with this side of my family for many reasons. (What my cousin did is not the reason) The reason is they are toxic and create dysfunction wherever they go. But, when I heard about that stunt, knowing how conservative my grandparents are (think Archie Bunker), I laughed for hours. My best friend told this story to our mutual lesbian friend and our lesbian friend just howled with laughter. And yes, at Thanksgiving dinner, grandma was so shocked to see cousin’s boyfriend wearing a dress, she peed her pants. Truth is stranger than fiction. The best comedy writers would not come up with the stunts people pull in real life.

    My son showed me a song called The Mind Electric and I thought, “Yup. whoever wrote that must know that side of the family.” Because they warp people’s minds.

    The Mind Electric:

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