Dear Chump Lady,
While I’m working on getting out of my situation, I sometimes distract myself with a little mental daydreaming and write new lyrics to classic songs. They’re not always great works, but it’s a method of stress relief that’s kind fun.
Because it’s Christmas, here’s a festive little diddy for your mild amusement.
Sung to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland“
Cell phones ding, he’s a-whispering
You’re down the hall, trying to listen
A promise was made
That he’ll get away
Sneaking to another woman’s bedNot far behind, is the P.I.
He’s got them pegged, her and your guy
She pours him a wine
Says “babe you are mine”
Sneaking to another woman’s bedIn the morning you will call the lawyer
But pretend at home that all is fine
You’ll say “are you hungry”
He’ll say “no hon
but I gotta run to work and
find a file” *wink wink*Later on, you’ll conspire
With legal teams that you’ve hired
To face unafraid
To send him away
For sneaking to another woman’s bed
Merry Chumpmas to all who are working their way out of Chumpland!
Cracker
Dear Cracker,
Very clever! Nothing like taking the spirit of the holidays and infusing it with snark. I believe a Friday Challenge is in order — Subverted Xmas Tunes.
I’m Dreaming of a… Life Without You (Just Like the One I Used to Know)
Oh Come Ye Merry Gentlemen (in Pictures on Your Phone)
What Cell Is This? (That Laid to Rest While I Was Sleeping?)
Knock yourself out, CN. Or have another Christmas cookie!
TGIF!
Siiiiilent Cell… Hooooolllly Shit… You’re too calm, ’cause you’re not briiiiight…
Hey, I *am* getting in the holiday spirit!
Happy Solstice Everyone! ????❤????❤????????⛄????❤????❤
Dashing through the traffic, trying to get to whore, laughing all the way, at all the tricks you play
Bells will surely ring, but not the way you think, you and she both stink, and will rot in hell someday…..oh
What an ass
What an ass
Blowing our lives up
Oh what fun
It has been
To leave you with your ho!
Happy “Jingle Bells” to all!
Hahaha! Good job. We have some very creative chumps here. I can’t wait to see how this thread “blows” up this weekend!
I can’t wait, too… especially after some of us have had a glass or two of spiked eggnog at weekend Christmas parties and the full power of our creativity is unleashed.
I’m loving this.. think I’m going to find my holiday spirit.
Thanks CL & CN. You all have helped save me.
Happy holidays all!
????
It came upon a midnight clear
That jowl-ous whore so bold
Who text’d my husband from our bed
Their hearts- they are so cold.
“The babies are so colicky
And you seem to have control.
I’ll go for a walk to clear my head.
I can’t handle this at all!”
Dancing around the Christmas tree, with an STD from you
Having great fun in the stirrups while the doctor fixes me
You and the whore deserve each other
And belong in hell for sure
And later you can find
Another whore cause you’ll never come back to me.
You will get a special feeling while she steals from you
And you’ll never know it’s coming cause your special indeed
So rock it away, far from here
And never grace my door again
I’ll be happy here with our two kids
And my new life cheater free!
Sigh…have to go to work now! Merry Christmas to all (except cheaters)!
And sing to “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”
What man is this, who laid to rest on OW’s lap is sleeping?
While angel’s tweet, who is this cheat, while everyone is watching.
This, this is the cheater king who whore’s embrace so he thinks he’s king.
Haste, haste to bring him laud, the cheater husband of Mary.
Narc-Ex got run over by the legal system
Cheating abusing stealing at our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Karma
But as for me and CN we believe
Bravo!
Awesome!
LMAO
Last Christmas a gave you my heart
By the May you had thrown it away
This year after so many tears
You’re living with slut she’s so special
Once bitten twice shy
You’ve started hoovering
Trying to catch my eye
Tell me fuckwit
Do you recognise me
The way you’ve treated me
A thought you dispised me
Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells:
Alimony check
Alimony check
Alimony alllll the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a car that my ex just paid, hey!
Alimony check
alimony check
Alimony alllll the way
Oh what fun for his new bride when she finds his addiction to cake!
I like this one!!!
Who’s got a whore and a wife appliance too?
Cheater’s got a whore and a wife appliance too.
Who texts his mistress from the loo?
Cheater texts his mistress from the loo.
Texts in loo.
Wife appliance too.
Must be cheater,
Must be cheater,
Must be cheater and his Ho!
Dying. Love this.
Who’s got a secret bank account?
Cheater’s got a secret bank account.
Who’s got a younger whore to mount?
Cheater’s got a younger whore to mount.
Whore to mount.
(Secret) bank account.
Must be cheater,
Must be cheater,
Must be cheater and his Ho!
Must be cheater
Ha!! Yours made me laugh!
Whore to mount!! Ha!
As a music teacher who had 7 performances and 3 church services in the last 9 days before Christmas vacation, I could do this all day!
Who banged his mistress in our bed?
Cheater banged his mistress in our bed.
Who’s got more hair on his back than his head?
Cheater’s got more hair on his back than his head.
Hair on head,
In our bed,
Must be cheater,
Must be cheater,
Must be cheater and his Ho!
This. Is. Hysterical.
Oh yes this one: perfect
I’ve always hated this song until now! There will never be another version for me. It’s already stuck in my head.
“Who texts his mistress from the loo”– DYING!
This whole post is full of awesome!
Happy Solstice, and may all your Christmases be fuckwit free!
Twisted Christmas Carols – chump style! Very cool.
Oh hoey night,
The glitter shines so brightly,
As he appears with his penis in hand,
A thrill of joy,
the asswipes finally leaving,
For i now gain,
a new and glorious life,
Fall on your knees,
You digusting nasty whore,
Your asshole is coming,
To be your shining knight,
You skanky bitch,
What a prize you’ve won,
Oh night oh glorious night,
Rejoice rejoice,
Chump nations cheering you on,
Oh night i am freeeeeeeee,
And chump nation cheers with me!!!!!!!!
I sang in glee club for many years so to honor my beloved music teacher i did the ending her way. Rest in peace miss h. That was fun thanks chump lady!
“Oh hoey night,” Haha!!!
I almost couldn’t read past “Oh hoey night” because I was laughing so hard. That was EPIC!! Hahahahaha
So awesome!!!
Love it!!! lol 🙂
Love this!!
Funny… its been done already by someone named Bob Rivers…
Walking Around In Women’s Underwear Lyrics
“Lacey things, the wife is missing.
Didn’t ask, for her permission
I’m wearing her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose.
Walking ’round in women’s underwear.
In the store, there’s a teddy.
With little straps, like spagHetti.
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night.
Walking ’round in women’s underwear
In the office there’s a guy named Melvin.
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He’ll say “Are you ready?”
I’ll say, “Woah man! Lets wait until the wife is out of town.”
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress, like Madonna.
Put on some eye shade, and join the parade.
Walking ’round in women’s underwear.
Lacey things, missing.
Didn’t ask, permission.
Wearing her clothes, silk pantyhose.
Walking ’round in women’s underwear.
Walking ’round in women’s underwear.
Walking ’round in women’s underwear…… “
Fucking dicks fucking dicks fucking all the way
Oh what fun it is to fuck another dick today AAY!
Fucking dicks fucking dicks fucking all the way
BH swears, who fucking cares, one less dick to lay!
Shitting bricks shitting bricks shitting bricks today
BH filed, now I’m riled, he won’t get his way AAY!
He will fight, I’ll gaslight, he will try to say
“I get kids”, judge forbids, BH screwed anyway!
This is amazing —- very funny and uplifting!
I’ve always had a problem with “Baby It’s Cold Outside” so here goes…
You really can’t stay
But baby it’s cold outside
You’ve got to get out
But baby it’s cold outside
This butt dial you sent, was the last straw
But it was only one time I swear
My mother was right about you
Your mother raised a bunch of shrews
My sister heard about you from your whore
Can I just have a few drinks more?
I need to get on with my life
But you’re my appliance called “wife”
You can spend the rest of your days in strife
Cuz baby it’s cold outside.
I was hoping someone would use that damn date rape song and turn it in to something useful! Well done!
Agreed!!
You better watch out
You made your spouse cry
You idiot lout
With monkeys that fly
She hired the best lawyer in town.
He knows where you’ve been sleepin’
Your ass he gonna bake
He knows that you’ve been bad not good
So your cash he’s gonna take.
Oh, you better not shout
Yeah, don’t even try
OW has a face like a trout
(Cell phone pics never lie)
The karma bus is comin’ to town.
Ha!
LOL! 🙂
This is not a Christmas song. But I used to sing to myself.
Shes a very skanky girl the kind you don’t take home to Momma. She will never let your secrets out. Cause she knows she will lose her pool partner. Once you get off her feet.
She likes her cousins hubby.
She says he is her all time favorite.
When they make the move on the pool table it gotta be quick.
The girl is a skank now
The Girl’s a super skanky
The kind of girl that screws Trump
She a super skank a super skank yea
I know it is juvenile. But, it was fun to sing.
I’ll be ‘meh’ for Christmas
I don’t really care
We’ll have real serenity
And peace without you there
Christmas Eve is finally
Tranquil and stress-free
I’ll be meh for Christmas
And you’ll have RPD
UX— awesome!!!
Sheer perfection. It fits the melody beautifully, and the message is stunning in its simplicity. My Santa hat is off to you!
I wish ex a crappy Christmas
I wish ex a crappy Christmas
I wish ex a crappy Christmas and an awful New Year
Bad tidings I wish for ex and his ho
Bad tidings for Christmas and an awful New Year
Oh bring me my alimony
Oh bring me my alimony
Oh bring me my alimony and a stress free new life
Joy to the chump, the ex is done
Let her receive her things
Let every shmoop prepare him room
And flying monkeys sing
And flying monkeys sing
And off goes the chump to sell her rings
Joy to the world, the state of meh reigns
Let chumps snark songs employ
While n’er again untangling skeins
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat, repeat the left-a-cheater-gained-a-life joy!
Love this!
I’m Dreaming of your whore’s Christmas
Just like your countless ones of old
Where the strippers glisten
And the gold diggers listen
And believe all many lies you’ve told.
You know Wiener and McDermott and Watts and Clinton
Tiger and Spitzer and Sanford and Simpson
But do you recall
The most famous cheater of all?
Assbrain the Long-Nosed Adulterer
Had a very peculiar nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it grows
All of the other cheaters
Used to think he was lame
They never let Sad Sausage
Join in any Cheater games
Then one rainy October night
Ho-worker came to say
Assbrain, with your lies so bright
Will you be my “friend” tonight?”
Then how the cheaters loved him
As they shouted out with glee
“Assbrain the Long-Nosed Adulterer
You’ll be going down to Hell with me!!!!”
I love this.
Hahahahaha ????????????????
Omg. You all are incredible!
Shady car lots, city park paths
That’s where they met
In the air
There’s the thrill
Of cheating
Children crying
Liars lying
Meeting up on the sly
And from every Swiss Friendship you hear
“It’s your fault, it’s your fault”
“What did you do to poor cheater?”
I don’t care – it’s not my fault
Soon it will be divorce day
Hear the gaslight
Feel the mad spite
As he blames you again
The cheaters rush home to
Their crushed wives
Hear the blameshift
See your mighty lift
This is Chumpy’s way out
And above all the venom
You’ll hear
Leave a Cheater – Get a Life
Soon it will be divorce day!
You guys are all so clever! Love it!
Cheater yells, what fresh hells
Narcissist time in the city.
Ding-a-ling’s, cell phone blings
Soon it will be his dday.
See the side-hos, skanky side-hos
Dressed in spouse poacher style
In the air there’s the scent of deception.
Cheaters laughing, gaslights gassing
Spouses try all the while
This is what every chump fears.
Cheater yells, what fresh hells
Narcissist time in the city.
Ding-a-ling’s, cell phone blings
Soon it will be his dday.
Strings of hard nights, endless gaslights
It’s a real nightmare scene.
And the cheater’s insane by all measures.
Watch his face bunch, hear your heart crunch
This is the big d-day
But beyond all his hustle you hear.
Wedding bells, now sweet death knells
It’s freedom time for all chumpies.
Our chains we fling, our walls they sing
Soon it will be true meh day.
I lost it on, “Dressed in spouse poacher style”.
It’s lines like this that keep me coming to CN for my daily dose of snark.
Spouse-poacher!!! Bwwaahahahaha!!!
Cheaters nuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost, the divorce lawyer at the door
Burner phone vibrating, hiding in a drawer
Calls from the OW who’s vagina will never tire…
You know Flashin and Dancin and Prancin and Lickin,
Cummin and Dupe-her and Bong-her and Clits -in.
But do you recall, the most famous AP of all?
Schmoopie, the red-nosed Whore-Slut
Had a very 80-proof nose
And if you ever saw her
You would have to say, “She goes” (nudge nudge)
All of the other APs
Had lesser jobs that didn’t pay
And they wouldn’t let poor Dickwad
Play and drink and fuck all day.
Then one special holiday
Dickwad came to say
“AP with your nose so red
Won’t you climb right in my bed?”
Then AP said she loved him
Trapped him in her family.
Dickwad and AP Whore-Slut
Will go down in misery!
Lmao at this one!
Oh thank you Chump Nation, I haven’t laughed so much in 5years, I’m feeling the holiday spirit again. So in awe of the brilliance of all you mighty folks. Going to keep these singing these classic songs!
Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way
Out the door off to your whore
Oh please just go away
Hey, texty text, hee haw, hee haw
It’s Whorela, the adulterer
Sucky suck, hee haw, hee haw
Blow jobs a-plenty
La, la, la, la-la, la-la-la-la
La, la, la, la-la, I’m free at last.
Sung to Dominick the Donkey. The donkey imagery seems appropriate.
This is great!
Hark, that telltale cellphone zing
Whores on holidays always ring.
Moral dearth and sluts gone wild
Newsflash: I won’t reconcile.
Joyful, all chump nation rise
Join the triumph of getting lives
With angelic CL proclaim
Perel does not deserve the fame
Hark, the mighty chump walls sing
Glorious is the might we bring.
Love this!
Beautiful, cashmere!!
Awesome!
Silent night,
I lay in fright,
that he’ll wake,
And start a fight…
Holy Father protect me from him,
Help me escape this life that is grim.
He sleeps while i lay awaaaaake
Planning my bless-ed escape.
***we are divorced now thank God****
Glad you got out. Too many of us know this fear and have whispered this prayer. ❤️
Amen
Double amen! Very, very glad you all got out safe.
My attempt to come up with something in a hurry for Christmas bells:
I was so mad
He is so bad
What can I say
He went away
Left me for a selfish slut
Who let him fuck her butt
Now he is gone
Left me alone
It’s better here
Look forward to next year
Without asshole here to ruin it
With all his lies and stupid shit
Now…that… he’s….. left….
I….can…..gain…a life….
Who needs that dick
Making me sick
Now I am free
Doing great yay me
Oh, there’s no place like two homes for the holidays
‘Cause no matter how far away Sparkledick roams
When he pines for the sunshine of a friendly gaze
For the holidays Sparkledick can’t beat two, cake eating homes!
I met a guy who lives in Tennessee, and he was headin’ for
Pennsylvania and some homemade schmoopie pie
From Pennsylvania folks are travellin’
Down to Dixie’s sunny shore
From Atlantic to Pacific
Gee the traffic is terrific!
Oh, there’s no place like two homes for the holidays
‘Cause no matter how far away Sparkledick roams
If he wanna to be happy in a million ways
For the holidays he can’t beat two cake eating homes!
Gee the sneaking in terrific!
The last verse…
Oh, I have no home for the holidays
‘Cause ex took it in the divorce
Lost my job and Schmoopie dumped me last 3 days
For the holidays, I guess I’ll buy a whore!
Bravo!
On the first day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me one nasty STD
On the second day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me two weeping children and one nasty STD
On the third day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the fourth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the fifth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the sixth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the seventh day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the eighth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the ninth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 9 character assassinating rumors, 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the tenth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 10 months of raging e-mails, 9 character assassinating rumors, 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the eleventh day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 11 months of whiny poor me phone calls, 10 months of raging e-mails, 9 character assassinating rumors, 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
On the twelfth day of Christmas the Wasband gave to me 12 wasted years, 11 months of whiny poor me phone calls, 10 months of raging e-mails, 9 character assassinating rumors, 8 days of hoovering, seven stupid rationalizations, six skanks introduced to my kids, five days in shock, four past affairs, three hidden credit cards, two weeping children, and one nasty STD.
Totally brilliant.
Flipping amazing!
For the win!!!
You have made my Yuletide!!!!!
Standing ovation!!!
Ok. I am not getting much done at work today:
Looks like TooSmart beat me to it but here is my version (disclaimer, not my experience exactly).
On the first day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me an SSS TTTTTT D.
On the second day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me two stupid lies and an SSS TTTTTT D.
On the third day of Christmas my (not) true love gave me to three lame excuses, two stupid lies and an SSS TTTTTT D.
On the fourth day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me four attempts at blameshift, three lame excuses, two stupid lies and an SSS TTTTTT D.
On the fifth day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me five…promises…to…reform…, four attempts at blameshift, three lame excuses, two stupid lies and an SSS TTTTTT D.
Etc. Here is the final list below:
1. STD
2. Stupid lies
3. Lame excuses
4. Attempts at blameshift
5. Promises to reform
6. More texts to Schmoopie
7. Nights a sneaking
8. Telltale e-mails
9. Explicit photos
10. Smug confessions
11. Divorce concessions
12. Years of Alimony
Little (can’t) Cummer Boy
Come she begged him, old frumpy dumb dumb
His limp dick in her mouth, old frumpy dumb dumb
She licked and sucked all night, old frumpy dumb dumb
She tried with all her might, old frumpy dumb dumb, but he can’t come, cheater can’t come.
So she danced for him, old frumpy dumb dumb,
His CPAP keeping time, old frumpy dumb dumb
Her toothless grin for him, old frumpy dumb dumb,
His hand goes up and down, old
frumpy dumb dumb, still he can’t come, cheater can’t come
Such a bad picture, I actually groaned. Sad but I’m sure it’s true somewhere.
Hahahaha
Outstanding.
FTW!!
I literally hurt my stomach from laughing so hard.
Old frumpy dumb dumb and her toothless grin will live in my memory forever.
I’m never gonna hear that song again and not think of erectile dysfunction.
I’m never gonna hear it and not think of my ex! I’ve always hated that song, and this is the first version I’ve ever liked.
Hahaha! Old frumpy dumb dumb!!!
His CPAP kept time….
OMG, fucking hilarious!!!
????????????????????????????
” Deck his balls with bits of holly
fal la la la la
La la la la”
LOL
❤️❤️❤️
Jingle bells, just a friend,
is texting cheater again
despite what he said
and decades wed
he f****d her in our bed.
Jingle yay, one fine day
I will be legally free
leave a cheater
gain a life
its a better way to be
I gotta copy this one!!
Yea!
Oh my gosh I so needed this today. Was feeling blue because this will be the 1st Christmas in 28 years I haven’t spent with fuckwit. Thank you for making me laugh chump nation. I will try to make my own song.
Ode to Chump Nation
Cheaters.Don’t. Change.
Let Chump receive her Meh
Let Divorce Lawyers prevail
And Parenting Software be the Mail
And Chump and Children sing
And Chump and Children sing
Oh Tracy and the Blog, let Chumps reign
(Joy to the World)
(Sung to the tune of Elvis’ ‘Blue Christmas’
I’ll have a Meh Christmas without you
I’ll be so Meh, not thinking about you
Declarations of dread will no longer be launched at me
Because I am not there to receive them, you see?
And when those Meh snowflakes start falling,
Don’t even think about calling
You’ll be deep in debt dung
With your shmoopie, so young
But I’ll have a Meh, Meh Christmas!
Tune: a Christmas Song : also known as -Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
His nuts roasting like they’re fire
Jacked Frost nipping at his dick
Fool rides Carol, he’s being rung by another
The fucks dressed up like 2 bag hos
Everybody knows a cheater with some mistletoe
Is all it takes with schoomie, not so bright
Tiny dick with his eyes all agog
Will find it hard – to get hard – tonight
He wonders if the pill will work
She packed lots of sex toys and goodies for this foray.
And every cheaters AP is going to spy, to see if cheater is also cheating on her…
And so I’m offering this simple phrase, to all chumps, old and new,
Although it’s been said many times, many ways.
Lawyer up now, go no contact now. Toooooooo-daaaay
Merry Christmas!
(Okay not fabulous, but fun as hell!)
I think it’s fabulous!! They really are scum and I’m getting to be so very glad that I’m free of the Dickhead.
Thanks Ms Bailey! can’t carry a tune and am not nearly as clever. But wow, This is the first Christmas that I have actually been joyful, happy and meh.
It truly is a wonderful life! (gaining the life I imagined!)
Jingle balls
I know more each day
All the Games you played
Deceit and lies you tell
You do it very well
I was Chumped far to Long for not seeing all the wrong !
Oh Cheaters know
How they glow
Those secrets how they hide
Now I know
And here I go
To try and save my pride
STD’s texts and deeds
Deception in phone calls
You’ve had your fun
and now we’re done
My dark days will return to Sun !
Not dashing ‘cause she’s a ho
She likes to part her legs
O’er to the back seat she goes
In the family Cheverolet
Bells on cell phone ring
Secret texting into the night
What fun it is to have a fling
Next morning she picks a fight.
Oh single soon, single soon
Lawyers work away
What fun it is
To laugh and sing
As I wait for judgment day.
Yeeeaaassss!!! Brilliant!!!
In the family Chevrolet ????????????????
It’s beginning to look a lot like Dickless
In his dick photo
Take a look at his flaccid member
On the twenty fifth of December
The picture that he will text his ho.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Dickless
Sex toys for his whore
But the most hideous sight you see is the dick pic of he
And his chancre sore.
A script for Cialis won’t cure his syphllis
And Viagra won’t work either
Some Cipro for Ho or else she won’t blow, cause she’s got gonorrhea.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Dickless
His cell phone is so chirpy
Just one thing more as he runs to the store
For some Valtrex for his Herpes.
Sung to the tune of The First Noel
The first dday
The cheater did swear
I am a changed man
And no more affairs
He hoovered like a champ
For a couple of months
Got drunk and fell into
Some hooker’s cunt
Dday dday dday oy vey
How many times must you live through that day
The second dday
The RIC con
Told you you failed
’cause you put mom jeans on
If you’d only embraced
Your inner porn whore
Jerkoff would want you
And cheat nevermore
Dday dday dday oy vey
How many times must you live through that day
This time will be the last
Because CN has helped
You got a lawyer
Said “go fuck yourself!”
The therapist intoned
“You must accept blame.”
You fired her on the spot
And called her rude names
Dday dday dday no way
Never again will you live through that day
LOL – mom jeans – these are priceless!!!!!
Another great one!
Jingle balls
I know more each day
All the Games you played
Deceit and lies you tell
You do it very well
I was Chumped far to Long for not seeing all the wrong !
You tripped and fell stuck her so well
While I lie at your feet
Oh
Oh Cheaters know
How they glow
Those secrets how they hide
Now I know
And here I go
To try and save my pride
STD’s texts and deeds
Deception in phone calls
You’ve had your fun
and now we’re done
My dark days will return to Sun !
BRAVO everyone!!!!
Loved them.
On the Twelth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Twelve lies again
Eleven bills unpaid
Ten excuses
Nine name callings
Eight jobs unfinished
Seven contradictions
Six raging moments
Five strange phone calls
Four pity parties
Three blank looks
Two hours missing
and one S T D
Oh, what the hell, I’ll do it again, this time about my own story.
Sung to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree
Oh cheater creep
Oh cheater creep
Your long affair has ended
Oh cheater creep
Vile cheater creep
My broken heart’s not mended
The hoover train has now derailed
Your bullshit claims completely failed
Oh cheater creep
Narc cheater creep
You lied and you pretended
Oh cheater creep
Gross cheater creep
Told slut you like my baking
Oh cheater creep
Sick cheater creep
Your family’s forsaken
You spoke of love and deep remorse
But now I know you planned divorce
Oh cheater creep
Sick cheater creep
Don’t bother to keep faking
Oh cheater creep
Sad cheater creep
Goodbye to boozy lunches
Oh cheater creep
Dumb cheater creep
No spin class and no crunches
The joys of public finger bangs
Are in the past, your fat head hangs
Oh cheater creep
Ex cheater creep
Your face could use some punches
Irving Berlin gets it right in White Christmas:
Love, you didn’t do right by me
You planned a romance that hadn’t a chance
And I’m through
I’m back on the shelf and I’m blaming myself’
But its you
My one love affair didn’t get anywhere
From the start.
To send me a Joe who had winter and snow in his heart
Wasn’t smart
Love, you didn’t do right by me
As they say in the song
You done me wrong
Sung by Rosemary Clooney in the most awesome dress.
Love that movie!!! And her dress!!!
We 3 Cheaters of orient are
Bare-ing whores we traverse afar
In hotels we fuck them while at “conf’rences”
Or desperately, in the car
O-ho, drawers of wonderful delight
Stripped off for th’ adult’rous night
Truth denying, always lying
Our families’ lives we blight
Do feel free to add verses!
Bare-ing not bearing btw
There is some mileage I think in verse 4 Meh is mine, but it’s getting late here
We three whores who’ved hummered your spouse
Charge him double ’cause he’s so gross
His whining painful
Demanding anal
He brings us to your house
Oh, jerking off on your clean bed
But with you his dick is dead
Shifting blame, he has no shame
Runs off to get ego fed
We three skanks who work with your guy
All have been his piece on the sly
Wife discarding gets him hardening
Giving us all creampie
Oh, now you know how low he’ll go
Squeeze the sleaze for all the dough
He’ll be stalling, begging, crawling
Grey rock his ass and go.
A different twist… dedicated to divianas and Lemonbirch, aka the Sisterhood of the Traveling Chumps
We three wives from Chump Nation are
Exes now and traverse afar
Coast to coast, desert and mountain
Following mighty meh
Oh, meh of wonder, meh of might
Meh with peace and fresh insight
New life leading, done proceeding
With divorce…now all is right
AWESOME! <3 this!!
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, I’ve dried up my tears
and will keep it for someone special
Last Christmas, I foolishly gave
my love to you, vowed to be your slave
This year I finally see
Something about you is BPD
Once bitten and twice a cuck
I keep my distance
Because you really do suck
Tell me, baby
Do you recognize me?
Well, it’s been a year
It doesn’t surprise me
(Merry Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying, “I love you, ” I meant it
Now, I know what a fool I’ve been
And if you kissed me now
You would not fool me again
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, I’ve dried up my tears
and will keep it for someone special
Etc., etc.
‘O Leave All You Faithless’
‘Silent Night, No Contact Night… All Is Well…. All is Right’
‘Psycho Got Ran Over By A Reindeer’
I’m loving this.. think I’m going to find my holiday spirit.
Thanks CL & CN. You all have helped save me.
Happy holidays all!
????
Ha! I love this! Here’s my rendition of Away in a Manger:
Away with a Stranger
Too cheap for a bed
He took his bored Penis
Out looking for head
The Stars in his eyes
Looked up on the stage
and waved a few dollars
at girls half his age
Surmising their target
They led him right quick
Where hidden, in private
They danced on his dick
No longer bored Penis
Reached up to the the sky
Til 5 minutes later
When wallet ran dry
(Merry Christmas, ya Filthy Animal!)
Brilliant!
I spit my coffee out on this one! Bravo!!!
Hahahahahahaha! I’m dying here!
These are all terrific! Such deep wells of snark, you do me proud CN.
“Sung to Up on the Housetop”
_______________________________________
Up on the whore’s house
Cheaters pause
Out jumps good old Cheater Clause
Down in her coochie with lots of jizz
All for the glory of getting his
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Who wouldn’t go?
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Wife doesn’t know.
Up on the housetop click! Click! Click!
Down in her coochie with cheaters dick!
First comes the tracking of his cell,
Oh, dear spyware, let it tell!
Give her the scheme of all his lies,
And all the gifts for her he buys.
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Who didn’t know?
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Who didn’t know?
Off to the hoe’s house, click! Click! Click!
Down to divorce court, you stupid dick.
Next comes the big ol legal bill,
Oh, just see what a climb uphill!
Here is a picture and a film,
Also, a note that does him in.
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! He wouldn’t go!
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! He wouldn’t go!
Up to the courthouse, click! Click! Click!
Get the fuck out, you miserable dick!
Love it!!!!!
Unsinakble,
That is sheer brilliance…
Thank you!!!
Mine is a Minister – so this seams fitting:
Oh cum all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
Oh cum ye, oh cum ye to total bedlam
Cum and behold him
Born the king of assholes!
Oh cum let us adore him
Oh cum let us adore him
Oh cum let us adore him
Jesus Christ!
I imagine this being sung by Eddie Izard in a pair of rather nice 4 inch stilettos ????
Eddie Izzard- can’t spell at 4 am
Oh come all Ye faithful ….. Not!
Joyful and triumphant…. me
Come all Ye citizens of Chumpdom..
Dashing out the door,
Phone firmly in your hand,
Texting all the way,
Wifey doesn’t understand
Chump doesn’t know a thing,
She’s doing the parenting
Oh I’m so clever she’ll never know
My new friend makes my baubles ring.
It took me a bit to get my creative juices flowing, but once they were, I quite enjoyed this challenge! 🙂
Gaslight herrrr
Minimizeeeee
Always plaaaay victim
Oh what fun, it is to fog her mind with machinaaaa-tions!
Poor, poor me
You’re so dumb
This is all your fault
Oh what fun, my life will be when I drive you through a wallllll!
Dashing from the truth
In a haste to victim blame
O’er the lies we go
Raging all the wayyyy – ho ho ho
Mindfuck reigns supreme
Making your heart sink
What fun it is to cheat and lie and act like it’s okay!
Ohhhhh
Jingle bells
Abuse smells
Get it out your life
You will be much happier when you are not their wiiiiife!
Jingle bells
Cheaters smell
Kick them to the curb
Lock the doors to your mind and heart ’til they cannot be heard!
Spreading your legs
To bartender bitch boy
Blowing up our lives
And fucking all the way
HO HO HO
Blame everything on me
When it’s really you
Taking all our money and racking up the debt
Oh my ex wife
Your a slut and
I’m just a chump
You said you were going to the gym
But you never lost the weight Bitch
You broke apart your family to be with him
Now he kicked you to the curb cause karma is a Bitch
Jingle his balls
Jingle his balls
Stay away from me
No contact is a true blessing
For all I need is me
Wishing all the chumps happy holidays from one chump to another. I’m 10 months out from my last Dday(there were multiple) and feeling great! I focus on myself and my kids and trying to enjoy and cheater free life! Nobody deserves a partner like that, there lose!
Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the walls that sing!
Peace on earth, I’m free at last
Thank God this chump didn’t reconcile.
Joyful, all ye chump nations, rise,
Join the triumph of the skies;
With th’ angelic host proclaim,
Freedom is born in Chump Nation!
Hark! the herald angels sing,
Glory to your new freedom.
Chumps by highest integrity adored:
Tracy as the everlasting Wise one
Regardless of where chumps do come
Changing the narritive one by one.
Awesome
This really is brilliant. Perfect scansion. And the wit! I just sang it to my chump guy and we are dying here.
This comment was supposed to go under ChumptyDumpty’s “Away with a Stranger.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
(And the decree nisi soon would be in there);
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sane parents danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and dog on the rug,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s hug,
When out on the lawn there arose such a shock,
I thought, ‘It’s the ex’, and I grabbed my new Glock
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave lustre to trash cans and their overflow,
The shattered golf clubs and the rickety shelves –
And a Lady Called Chump, and her Seven Pinecone Elves!
More rapid than eagles her coursers she came,
And she whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, CLOSURE! now, KIBBLES! now, NARKLES and GLITTER!
On, IMITATION NAUGHAHYDE! UBT and TWITTER!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As bullshit excuses before Chump Nation fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of help, and dear Chump Lady too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the shelf
The prancing and dancing of each little elf.
As I drew in my gun, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Chump Lady came with a bound.
She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her shoe,
And her clothes were a-shine with advice good and true;
A bundle of gifts she had flung like a swag,
And she looked like salvation in heavy male drag.
Her eyes — how they twinkled! her dimples how merry!
Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry!
Her droll potty mouth was awry with a groan,
And the curls on her head had a life of their own;
The stump of a blowpipe she held in her jaws,
And the darts that it fired solved our everyday sores;
She had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when she laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
She was chubby and plump, a right jolly young elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself;
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
And filled all the stockings; got rid of the jerk,
And laying her finger aside of her nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney she rose;
She sprang to her sleigh, to her team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard her exclaim, ere she drove out of sight,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!
Lola, so glad I came back to see if there was anything new poetical that I missed over the past couple of days. Love this! Well done tribute to our Santa Lady called Chump and her Seven Pinecone Elves.
Ohhhh all the great minds here think alike. Three weeks ago I told my best friend we need a new Christmas song about the family dysfunction during the holidays. We are not done with it, but we want the tune to echo the songs “Oh There’s No Place like Home for the Holidays.” and “It’s Beginning to look a Lot like Christmas.” (That first could be easily changed to “There is No Place for Ho’s for the Holidays” and the second “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot like Divorce Court.”)
But, that wasn’t what I was writing. I was writing something called “It’s So Fun for the Holidays.”
And here are some of the words. Can anyone one out there add to these…?
Oh It’s So Fun for the Holidays
Oh It’s so fun for the holidays,
Candles are everywhere,
Families making memories,
Whether here or there.
Holidays are such a special time,
So colorful and bright,
And the people are so crazy,
Nothing is wrong or right.
Grandpa asks to pull his finger,
Mom and Oxycontin are passed out on the couch,
The other woman wants to linger,
And everyone says mom is such a grouch.
Holidays are such a special time,
So colorful and bright,
And the people are so crazy,
Nothing is wrong or right.
Auntie’s on the bedroom floor,
Barfing up her lunch.
But that, okay that’s ok,
The dogs says, “It’s more to munch.”
Oh It’s so fun for the holidays,
Candles are everywhere,
Families making memories,
Whether here or there.
Cousin has brought her tranny boyfriend,
And caused Grandma to pee her pants again,
Cousin says that if he doesn’t wear a dress,**
they’ll never f*ck again.
Holidays are such a special time,
So colorful and bright,
And the people are so crazy,
Nothing is wrong or right.
The rat just ate the mistletoe,
The cat ate dad’s stash of weed,
Dad is high on catnip,
Yelling he just wants to spread his seed.
Oh It’s so fun for the holidays,
Candles are everywhere,
Families making memories,
Whether here or there.
Father-in-law is stoically complaining
Because MIL won’t do threesomes
Grandma’s yelling “there’s no free milk”
So father-in-law goes hunting for elk.
Holidays are such a special time,
So colorful and bright,
And the people are so crazy,
Nothing is wrong or right.
Anyone care to add a verse?
**Note: I fully support the LGBTQ community and voted to legalize gay marriage. But, the one true verse in that song is about a female cousin who brought her boyfriend home for the Thanksgiving dinner my 93-year-old grandma was hosting with 93-year-old (Archie Bunker) grandpa. Allegedly female cousin told her longterm boyfriend that if he did not wear a dress, high heels, make-up, and change his name to Ashley, she would never “f” him again. My grandparents had only met my female cousin’s boyfriend as a man before and she had been with this man for a long time. (And it was my female cousin who came up with the idea he had to be a girl or she would break up with him. This was NOT his choice). And no one warned my grandparents this would happen. And this poor guy is so in love with my cousin he actually dressed up as a girl in an attempt to keep her. If he did this of his own volition, more POWER TO HIM. But he did it under duress in an attempt to please and keep her.
Who thought duress could be under a dress? (A play on words).
I have no contact with this side of my family for many reasons. (What my cousin did is not the reason) The reason is they are toxic and create dysfunction wherever they go. But, when I heard about that stunt, knowing how conservative my grandparents are (think Archie Bunker), I laughed for hours. My best friend told this story to our mutual lesbian friend and our lesbian friend just howled with laughter. And yes, at Thanksgiving dinner, grandma was so shocked to see cousin’s boyfriend wearing a dress, she peed her pants. Truth is stranger than fiction. The best comedy writers would not come up with the stunts people pull in real life.
My son showed me a song called The Mind Electric and I thought, “Yup. whoever wrote that must know that side of the family.” Because they warp people’s minds.
The Mind Electric: