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The Cheater Who Stole Christmas

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Dear Chump Lady,

So I’m 11 months out, but living the hell of in-house separation. (I can’t afford to go until I have a financial settlement, he won’t go… entitlement, enough said). Awaiting court date in February.

Anyway, I always put the Christmas decorations up on or around the first of December. It’s his weekend with our daughter this one, so I thought I’d do it Thursday to see her face before she went off for the weekend. (The creep always takes our daughter to OW’s on his weekend — whole different story of fuckedupness, don’t get me started…).

So, I go into the garage Thursday morning… both Christmas trees gone! The guy that never gave a shit about Christmas, or how excited I get for it, literally turned into the Grinch that stole Christmas.

I cried for 5 minutes, rang my mum, and then my friend, dropped my daughter off at school, and gathered my thoughts. He’s been desperately trying to engage me in arguments for months. He stoops to all sorts of levels to get a rise out of me. (I’m strict grey rock and he hates it.) The lies, manipulation, gaslighting, plain nastiness, and now parental alienation of my daughter is happening. But this… I honestly couldn’t believe it. I knew he wanted me to lose my shit.

Instead of losing my shit with him, I drove all over my city for 3 hours (time I didn’t have to spare) and eventually spent £110 (money I definitely didn’t have to spare either) on a tree. I was adamant my little girl was getting her Christmas tree up like normal if it killed me. I put it up, enjoyed decorating it and the stress was so worth it when she came in after school and saw it.

I know there’ll be some repercussions/revenge from him. He hates looking like a fool or when I stand up for myself. So I admit I’m scared of what he’ll do next. But it was a small win for now that I wanted to share with you all here because at times only you guys no how hard and painful this shit is.

I can’t wait for this to be over.

UKchump

Dear UKchump,

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

… What if Christmas means … fucking your whore!

(This line contributed by Mr. Chump Lady, who suggests the proper response to this column is to write all comments in Dr. Seuss verse.)

So, let me get this straight — you’re still living with the Grinch? But he feels entitled to help himself to the Christmas decor? And spends his weekends with the OW? With your child?

What a loathsome blister on Satan’s ass this guy is. Merry Christmas OW! Giftwrap that motherfucker with a bow and leave him under the tree. Trees.

Nothing says holiday romance like, “I stole my wife’s Christmas decor, just for you, Schmoopie.” Think of the Hallmark specials.

I’m Dreaming of Recycled Christmas.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like… Small Claims Court

Silver Bells (I Stole From a Child)

I mean, SHE WON THIS DREAMBOAT! Yahoo-dor-RAY.

I know there’ll be some repercussions/revenge from him.

What? Because you REPLACED A STOLEN CHRISTMAS TREE? Trees? How dare you be resilient? Cheating and stealing wasn’t punishment enough? What exactly is he avenging? The unwarranted tinsel purchases? Making your daughter happy? That fresh pine scent?

He hates looking like a fool or when I stand up for myself. So I admit I’m scared of what he’ll do next.

He should be scared of what YOU do next. Don’t let this idiot intimidate you. You’re doing EXACTLY the right thing — he wants your pain, your pick me dance, and you’re giving him nothing. You take that £110 and add it to your financial settlement. Line item that shit. He can explain his pre-emptive division of assets to his lawyer.

Meanwhile, you enjoy a very merry holiday season. Soon you’ll be free of a fuckwit, and that’s the greatest gift of all.

****

Narrator: And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say – that the Grinch’s settlement grew three sizes that day. And then – the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found new victims, plus two!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Dr. Seuss was a cheater who cheated on his long term wife while she had terminal cancer. She was so devastated that she committed suicide. He was an awful, awful man.

      • “What a loathsome blister on Satan’s ass this guy is.” Spit out my tea. I actually had a visual with that one. Had to close one eye.

      • Ah, there I go again, opening my big mouth when I should have stayed quiet. My apologies. Good job to UK Chump for handling that Christmas tree problem and moving forward so smartly.

        • Mustard Seed.
          You made a valid point. No crime committed. Don’t allow some needless reprimand to stifle you from sharing knowledge. 🙃

  • Whenever I think we’ve heard it all, someone’s cheater manages to top it. The sheer pettiness of ukchump’s wasband in taking the trees without saying a word and just waiting for her to discover it boggles my mind. Hang in there; you are obviously a mighty mama doing your best for your girl.

    • DrFormerChump,

      My kids bio dad, I will call X, once unscrewed the electrical cord off the back of our dryer, because it was summer, and dammit, I was to hang the clothes on the line. I honestly, didn’t even know those things unscrewed. I had a baby in cloth diapers, and it was a particularly rainy summer. But he was such a cheap prick, he didn’t want an increase in the electrical bill.

      I was livid and found the cord and screwed it back on. But for many days I stewed about how I wanted to play this out. He was particularly fond of his BBQ. So I envisioned unscrewing the propane hose and mysteriously throwing it in the bush. But he was dumb, and he might have blown us to kingdom come, so I resisted the urge.

      When he discovered I screwed it back on, he unscrewed it, locked it up in his safe, and then put a padlock on the electrical box, and would only allow power to the laundry room when he was home and could lock and unlock the box.

      • In the days before cell phones, my first cheater took the phone off the wall and took it to work with him. When I asked why the hell he did that he replied, “I had to. The other day when I took your car keys so you couldn’t run all over town, you called your sister to come pick you up.” Oh well, now that you explain it–that makes perfect sense. I thought he had taken my key ring by mistake.
        Nope. These assholes know no limits.

        • Mine took the distributor out of the engine. Until I learned how to buy an extra and put it in my goddamned self.

          Here’s the thing. There is no reason to live like that in the first place. Anybody who would do that shit….deserves to be kicked to the curb post haste.

          • Wow! I guess this sort of ‘stupid’ is just another thing they all do…..

            Thirty years ago, when cable was the big thing, cheaterpants (who is still a TV addict) took cable box to work with him.

            Why? So 3-yr old child and I would not waste our day watching TV (NOTE: Child & I watched maybe 30 minutes to 120 minutes of TV per day {Sesame Street / Mr Rogers / noon news / that sort of stuff} while cheater worked & we had NEVER wasted a day watching TV! Reading, maybe. Or visiting friends, or going to the park or cleaning the house / doing laundry/ working in the garden—-I hate TV to this day! Still do not own one! Now-grown Child owns TV but rarely watches)

            However, the minute cheaterpants got home from work, he plugged in that box, flipped on the TV and watched until bedtime. Yeppers…..At least 5 hours each evening, but he had to make sure we did not waste our day doing the same. BARF!!

            Wowser! Another one for ‘The Cheater Playbook’!

            Love My ChumpNation!!!

          • This is so christmas spirity!! My x fucktard loser reformed spender (now its not money he can control) walked out before christmas…. thought he was special by paying the mortgage for wife and 3 kids then tried to cut the water off because he was still legally required to pay it !! Being in Australia at christmas means water is fairly crucial. Still he didnt give a rats . Happy Christmas! !

      • Say nothing, but discretely take your laundry to a laundromat. He can rewear his nasty stinky crap clothes till the bugs eat it off of him.

  • UK chump enjoy your time!!!
    Chumplady is right- DO NOT LET HIM intimidate you…. sure, you lost the tree and decor but you still can:
    – bake and decorate gingerbread cookies with your child
    – listen to the nice Christmas songs and lit some scented candle
    – create new tradition with your child- watching Christmas decorations, doing a movie 🎥 watching marathon with 🍿 and Christmas drinks ( hot cocoa)
    – write letter to Santa
    – collect some toys and donate to the kids in need
    – do some home spa ( it’s so inexpensive and kids love it, especially when u use stuff you already have at home)
    – write a story book with her or for her
    Etc.

    In general- enjoy. You have your daughter, it can be lovely no matter what

    • Agree with Sue, UK.

      I had a similar experience. STBX refused to leave our home even though he had bimbo’s place and two houses left to him by his parents to move into at his leisure. Why wouldn’t he leave? Because it was his “property.” Mean old me discovered my spine and didn’t jump at his offer to give me money out of our assets to move to a condo that would be for me and our three kids.

      What ensued was 11 months of living hell for me and our kids. He would show up after the kids and I had dinner, talk at them for five minutes, then spend the night in his mancave texting his skank and watching Bonanza reruns. He spent his weekends at his parent’s house on Cape Cod, throwing parties to introduce his new girlfriend to his friends. He would return Monday night.

      When I finally got a court order to get him out, he thought the December 1st date was just a suggestion. It took him nine more days before he finally left – but not before trashing our basement and leaving it so ruined that I needed to rent a dumpster to remove the debris.

      Then for another couple of weeks, he helped himself to things he “forgot” to take with him, including our family photos and lawnmower (in December). Once I caught him, I filed a no trespassing order with the local police. But that didn’t stop him from having our sons take things to him at his new house; the one he spent cash on and had renovated with a wet bar before he and his skank moved in.

      Telling your sons why taking things from our home to Dad was stealing by proxy was a fun conversation. [Insert eye roll emoji here]

      My best advice is to do exactly what you did. Replace the old shit with his cheating, selfish stink on it with things that will help you and your daughter make new, nicer memories. You deserve happiness. Your STBX with his two-sizes-too-small dead heart and his bimbo deserve used holiday decorations.

      • Even if only to spite you, at least he wanted your family pictures.

        Sparkledick did not ask for any. What is he thinking?

        • My ex not only did not want any pictures of our kids, my son had a picture of his great grandfather that he was named after on his dresser, the asshole asked for that back in our separation agreement. So glad to be done with that loser.

          • ClearWaters/Bzymummy – I’ve always wondered what’s with that. Not taking one momento, one picture, one photo album. Nothing. Like he just wanted to wipe out 36 yrs of memories?

            What kind of fuck-for-brains does that?

            • My ex did the same. After 24 years she left with very little from the house, and none of the pics or photo albums or 18 years of videos of the kids sports/holidays/Disneyland etc..not a one. Never asked either. Just moved on in with her AP. Still boggles my mind.

            • Mine also left without taking any pictures of our 24-25 years together. He only asked for photos of his nieces and nephews (his sisters children).
              Didn’t ask for one picture of our son, his birth, family vacations, Christmas’s, birthday celebrations, milestones. I expected him to ask me for copies.
              What kind of person walks away from 25 years together, sharing an entire lifetime of memories as if it never existed? Who doesn’t treasure pictures of their children’s birth, fist days, years?
              I believed all our years together, memories gave our relationship depth, a special bond that no one else shared, to be respected and honored. Apparently I was the only one in the relationship that felt that way.

              Cheater did ask for a video of himself sky diving, I had thrown it away, but told him I didn’t know where his video could be..

              • The no pictures thing is a really classic way to identify them as probably psychopathic. In their head it was a “Do over” . A la chris watts. I have been mesmerized by the similarities in his cold calucations of erasing the old and starting the new life. So many paralells to my lunatic ex and so many on here. The thing that really stood out was how he turned the blame on her to make him look somewhat victim. Unless you’ve experienced it personally you would not believe someone could be that delusional and cool. My narc / psycho gave the exit speech to our kids 20min before walking out the door that “mum doesn’t want me to live here anymore” i corrected him half way through his outrageous attempt at blame shift. He gave me a look that still gives me chills.

  • A Very Happy Christmas to you and your Daughter UKchump! I hope your Daughter asks the Grinch and his loathsome side fuck…er…side kick why Mum’s Christmas trees are not at home with Mum and causes the Grinch to Stroke-out. It would make for the Best Christmas Ever!! 😁

  • Strange how much cheaters love wrecking Christmas isn’t it? Even before he told me I was a terrible wife (Christmas day ) and disappeared, my ex loved being the one person in the family who deliberately messed up Christmas by being in a mood, spending the kids’ cheques (given by relatives) on his hobby, inviting terrible friends round, getting offensively pissed etc. Christmases feel so weirdly easy and pleasant now he is no longer around.

    • Yes. X was the Holiday Moment Ruiner. Imagine having a five-year old, three- year old and newborn on Christmas morning when SANTA CAME!!! As I grabbed the baby and followed my excited older sons down the stairs, we marveled at what was under the tree. “Look, Mommy! This one has a “B” on it! I bet it’s for ME!!” “Mommy I think that box is a SLED!” Even the baby was in awe of the Christmas lights on the tree.

      I called up the stairs to shout, “Hey Dad! Santa came to our house! You better hurry!”

      He took that as a challenge and replied, “I need to shave and shower first. They’ll just have to wait.”

      My “Norman Rockwell” moment is me surrounded by crying children as he sauntered down the stairs and snapped, “What the hell’s wrong with them?!”

      Fucking Moment Ruiner.

      • Omg! they know how to ruin every celebration if they’re not the center of attention.
        Cheater would go to bed Christmas Eve and I would stay up late putting gifts under the tree, last minute wrapping, cookies and milk for Santa, and filling stockings. We had one child who like most kids, got up early and excited to open his gifts Christmas morning. As a parent, and how I thought most parents felt, I looked forward to watching our son open up his gifts on Christmas morning, seeing his stocking, and checking to see if Santa had enjoyed the milk and cookies we left out for him.

        Cheater was Christmas Hitler, he expected our son to wait until he finished sleeping, and had coffee, and we all should be showered and dressed before opening gifts.
        Cheater snapped at our son telling him to go back to bed and he would let him know when he could open gifts…
        I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I said no, my son and I went to open gifts, Cheater then decided to join us after he made his coffee. No emotion or excitement for our son, I did all the video taping Christmas morning as well, while Mr. Misery Cheater sat on the side lines, looking miserable..,

        They’re incapable of feeling empathy or compassion, so how can they share our children joys on Christmas morning? They’re not normal.

    • Oh, yeah, I definitely don’t miss the special event ruining!

      X decided to basically cancel Christmas for 3 years before I left him. He was a bus driver and volunteered for the Christmas Day roster. He al demanded that the kids and I not do anything special, because that would show we didn’t care about him. The kuds got to open presents in tge morning while he was grumpy and then be quiet until he left.

  • “…Santa baby,
    Just one more tiny thing for me —
    A tree!
    From UKChump’s garage!
    Santa baby, come stuff it up my chimney tonight.”

  • Yes CL…this goes into the “Depths of Their Treachery” column to remind us that They Suck.

    My sucking story comes from how I got my tree instead of how I lost it but speaks to the buckets of spackle needed to live on any given day.

    Way back in the early 2000s when most families were just going from one cell phone to two, I had no yet gotten used to taking my phone everywhere and on Sunday morning we were just taking the kids to church, so I figured I didnt need it.

    After Mass we went shopping and ended up at a large sprawling garden center and split up each with a kid or two looking at this and that. Cheater was grumbly and mad, as was his norm but he saw artificial Christmas trees and decided to buy one. After 3 milliseconds of looking for me in the store, he also decided that I needed to be punished for making the grave error of leaving my phone behind and he left me at the store.

    It has been so long, I now forget how long I was there or which kid I had after we were left at the store, but it is such a reminder of who he was and what actions toward us he thought were perfectly acceptable.

    Im sure I spackled as I stood alone and puzzled in the store not sure when or how I was getting home. I wonder now who he was calling on his phone while he grumbled and groused at me. I also know it would never in a million years occur to my new husband to leave me behind to make a point. #cheatingisoneabuseamongmany

    • As I think on this, I am sorry that UKC had to buy a new tree, but I hope in years to come, she looks at her new tree with a sense of freedom and newness…a fresh breeze of new life of her and daughter together and the stolen one can rot over at OWs place (she better have a place to store it come January – can you imagine him BRINGING IT BACK!?!).

      • Yeah, totally, and I was thinking our writer should store the new one with someone when she takes it down so he can’t run off with that one, too!

        Douches.

        • I was thinking the exact same thing! Once UKChump’s beautiful new Christmas tree comes down, she needs to immediately take it off the premises and store it elsewhere until that evil man no longer has any access to her home. That would be just his style… stealing the replacement (and all the newly-purchased trimmings) on his way out the door.

      • I doubt that STBX will steal the new tree. After all, the new one won’t be able to give him any kibbles for almost a year. On the other hand, storing the stolen ones back with UK chump after Xmas is very much the kind of thing I would expect him to do.

        My advice on that – UKchump should say nothing, let him store it back at her house, and then, after the divorce is final and she’s changed the locks, sell the old tree and any ornaments she doesn’t have sentimental attachments to. Come November, when then X contacts her to claim the tree, she should simply claim that she thought he didn’t want it, which is obviously the only reason he’d put it back at her house, so she got rid of it, because it evoked too many bad memories for her.

        Hugs. Strength. Peace.
        aeronaut

        • Haha I wouldnt say I sold them, I’d say I dumped them as they came back to the garage reeking of something cheap and nasty and I thought maybe they had become infested with something

    • That sounds so horrid. And familiar. They love to punish and abuse, don’t they.

      My X asshat got super pissed that he couldn’t locate me when we went to the Mt. Saint Helens monument. We got separated with our teenage daughters and while a bit exasperated that I couldn’t find him the kid I had carried on and spent time looking at the various exhibits and the grounds. Finally we caught up with each other and he was livid. Now memorialized for all time, the look on his face in the photos, (a look that would become very familiar in the final years of our marriage before he abandoned me), was one of absolute disgust and hatred. How dare he be inconvenienced. How dare his agenda be usurped. There shall be punishment.

      This from a guy who was relentlessly 8 minutes late to everything. He simply could not get his ass anywhere on time if it was something for anyone else. If it was something he wanted to do we all had better hell-fire get moving or we will have his wrath to deal with. Our daughter’s baptism? Hey, let’s pull over on the way to church camp and grab some snacks and look at magazines at the grocery store (we missed the baptism by 3 minutes). Pure passive aggressive punishment.

      But if his favorite band’s concert tickets were going on sale he sat there with his clicking finger ready to refresh that web page over and over at 12 midnight to get the very best seat for himself. Priorities. At least his daughters both know him for what he is.

      I do wish my X asshat was as dead as yours. I guess in every way that matters, he is.

      • Ugh. Is chronic lateness a common red flag of these very selfish people?
        (In my case could have also been a sign of alcoholism or drug abuse though. Although at the time i though maybe it was due to ocd or aspergers)
        My ex was 2 hours late to his sons 3rd birthday party. Me and my parents did all the work transporting food and setting up at a local park. We waited 2 hours for him because he was responsible for the barbecuing.

        And then he was mad at me for being mad at him.

        He was late to everything! Just did not care about others waiting for him. I dont think ocd or aspergers any more. Just plain old selfishness to the extreme.

        • Yes, absolutely the chronic lateness is a sign. “Living with the Passive Aggressive Man” by Scott Wetzler and “Why does he DO that?” by Lundy Bancroft explain this.

          I will never put up with that again.

        • Yep “…and then he got mad at me for being mad at him”. This is what I got all the time. Nothing he ever did was bad enough for me to get angry.
          Always the reaction is the problem, not the action.

          • Yes. The one any ONLY thing I ever took away from Dr. Phil was that narcissists, and anyone who does it, actually…is saying to you “My time is more important than yours.”

            It’s disrespect in it’s purest form. “I will waste your life as I see fit, because you are not important.” It’s not the function, the kid, the whatever….it’s THEIR BELIEF.

            The Jerkwad and I were in a Starbucks in NYC (FFS. I had never been there. Ever.) doing the “Nostalgia Tour”. He had done a preceptorship when he was in his early 20s and wanted to go and relive all of his happy memories. They consisted of…..walking around endlessly in the rain (not allowed to buy an umbrella. he didn’t have one when he did this, so I couldn’t have one when we were recreating his happy memory), buying the WORST pizza from a stand up hole in the wall and eating it cold in the rain (it was the same pizza place), touring “architecurally interesting (to him)” buildings….and then sitting in Starbucks (it was a different coffee shop in his glory days, and that infuriated him) talking about articles he read in Utne Reader.

            I did manage to sit and observe, while feeling like a cold, drowned rat. I noticed that everyone in his little cubby hole of a favorite spot all wore the same thing. Black turtle neck sweater, round Harry Potter glasses, used army jackets and combat boots.

            I opined, “Well, for a bunch of nonconformists, you all seem to conform to your own dress code. You all look the same. So much for nonconformity, huh?”

            He decided to then ignore me completely. I would say something like, “Can we go and change into dry clothes now?” And he would pretend I didn’t exist. So I put my cup down quietly and got up….and left the store. He sat there.

            He knew I had never been to NYC and at that time, no cellphones and no handheld GPS. He had walked me all over and the car was parked on some random side street. I was notoriously bad with directions, and he knew this….so he sat there and let me leave….knowing if I got lost…..I would have ZERO CHANCE of finding him again or contacting him.

            So he smugly sat there and waited for me to come crawling back.

            Well, I knew his bullshit well. He’d done it before. As we were walking, I noted landmarks. A storefront here, a sign there. I asked along the way….and lo and behold….I found the car!

            I had an extra set of keys for it on my own ring….so I opened it, started the car and sat to wait. About an hour later…..he arrived FUMING.

            The 4 hour drive home was completely and entirely silent.

            Suffice it to say, he NEVER did anything like that again—but it did convert into more sinister and underhanded ways to make me pay for showing him to be an ass.

            If anybody ever, EVER is late for your appointments…..Dr. Phil said….you give them ONE CHANCE. If they are late a second time? Even if they call with a great excuse….YOU LEAVE WITHOUT THEM. Every time. If they don’t learn after a couple of those moves, you need to shut that fucker out of your life, no matter who they are.

            Chronic lateness is a cardinal red flag for the one who sees you as a piece of furniture.

          • “Got mad at me for getting mad at him”…it got so I could not get mad at him NO MATTER WHAT HE DID, the best I could muster without more rage from him, was a look of hurt.

            And it had to pass FAST just as I had to FORGET it all (or I’d “just drag up the past” and “stay bitter”) or he’d blame shift again.

            Honestly, I had forgotten several of the things the DOCTOR did that are -IN HINDSIGHT – without the benefit of spackle – just crazy making abuse.

            I’m grateful for this post because I really have forgotten so much of the SHIT, with the holidays approach I find myself missing – mostly – what MIGHT have been, not what really was.

            That’s sad, I know. But it’s also reality and at least I know that he did not treat me well for a long time, despite how much I loved him.

            So my loss is not much of a loss. Finances are much harder for me now, that’s true. But I bet he worries more about money than I do, b/c he always needed more just to feel okay.

            Whatever the DOCTOR is to his Schmoopie wife, he was a lousy wasband to me. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

            I always pray my kids are not too damaged…they say they have always known I love them. That makes me happy.

            Thanks for this!

          • Inescapable – omg – there is always someone here who relates.
            A good defense is the best offence, is what I learned.

            I’m sorry you had to fight with that because it’s pure and simple Gaslighting!

        • My diagnosed-NPD cheater ex was ALWAYS late to everything, no matter how important, and he also would get angry at me for being annoyed at him.

        • Many years ago my ex, RonBurgundy, was supposed to pick me and newborn DS up from the hospital at 11am so we could come home following a traumatic c-section. We waited 2 hours all ready to go. When he finally showed up, he said he had to research something for a news segment. He couldn’t understand why I was mad. But omg, if you were a minute late for him, regardless of the reason, he’d be pissed for days.

          • OMG another flashback of PTSD!

            After giving birth to our first daughter, the DOCTOR (med student) said he’d pick me up “after going to class”, which was 8:30 am.

            So I was discharged 30 hours post delivery but alas, where was THE soon to be DOCTOR?? Nowhere to be found and this was before cell phones. I had no way to reach him.

            He strolled in at 5:30pm which meant I had no food since breakfast, and no assigned bed since I’d been discharged, with a day old baby, no clothes for going home, and nothing to eat (a kind nurse brought me an apple and some juice).

            If I’d known the PSA (Pathologically Self Absorbed) idiot was going to attend ALL his classes, I’d have gotten a family member to take me home OR I’d have stayed in the hospital.

            Instead, we drove home in bumper to bumper traffic and I was starving. And I got NO apology and now that I recall this event, I also recall feeling unable or disallowed to be angry. Simply put, anger AT him was not allowed, but anger FROM him, even when disproportionate or inappropriate, was to be overlooked. Years later when we were discussing the marriage and I was pick me dancing, I asked him to recall that event to see if IN HINDSIGHT he might have made a mistake since that event should have been a beautiful experience for all of us.

            The DOCTOR’s reply? “It was sub optimal.”

            Yeah, quite sub optimal. Also sub human.

            God, I cannot believe I put up with that crap.

      • OMG – you were married to my Dickhead!!
        “This from a guy who was relentlessly 8 minutes late to everything. He simply could not get his ass anywhere on time if it was something for anyone else. If it was something he wanted to do we all had better hell-fire get moving or we will have his wrath to deal with. Our daughter’s baptism? Hey, let’s pull over on the way to church camp and grab some snacks and look at magazines at the grocery store (we missed the baptism by 3 minutes). Pure passive aggressive punishment.”

        Same here – if it was for me, he would go the speed limit, stop for gas, stop for a drink. If it was for him, he would going 15 mph over the speed limit and no time to stop. It was very rarely that he ever had to wait to me to leave. It usually him or my stepson that waited to the last minute to get ready.

        The Dickhead’s grandparent always ate at noon on the holidays and the family waited on no one. Not even if they knew you were on the way. We had a late start that first year we married back in 2000. It was Christmas for pete’s sake and we had the kids. Anyway, we were on the way up (1.25 hours) and my stepdaughter was getting carsick. She was 5. I made him stop to she could get out and he was fucking pissed. Now his Dad had already been diagnosed with cancer and this would probably be the last Christmas with him and I can understand the stress and frustration. But we were on the way up and about 35 minutes out. We weren’t going to be missing anything except the prayer and start of dinner. Again, this goes to the anger, the rage, the complete lack of compassion for his daughter. I will never forget just how bad he acted. Looking back, it was disgusting that he yelled at his little daughter and made us feel like complete shit. Fuck him and fuck those memories.

      • Cheater and I also had disagreement at Mt. St. Helen’s years ago, my punishment along with his evil glare was silence during the ride back home.
        I’ve also got photos of the look of hatred and disdain which were taken the year before he left.
        If looks could kill, I’d be dead.

        X was late for everything, unless it was something he was interested in.
        He would always be the first to shower, then let me know he was ready and waiting for me.

        Every time we went any place, this is what would happen, backing out of the driveway, he’d suddenly turn off the ignition and say he’d forgotten something.., It seemed to happen more often when it was a sweltering in 100 degrees outside. After about 10 minutes, he’d leisurely stroll back towards his truck with his hairbrush..,

        Miss Bailey, they look for excuses for lashing outa at us and our children. X would say he had something on his mind or he was “passionate” whatever that meant, or that he was Italian…,
        No, he’s a selfish asshole, who doesn’t care who he hurts.

        • Something like this happened every time we went on a road trip with the kids in summer. He would wait until we were all in the hot car and then go into the house to do the final sweep, turn on the right lights, check the toaster and/or whatever. It would take forever and we would be suffocating (even with the car doors open). I tried to work around this by having the kids play in the front yard while he did his sweep, but he refused to do the sweep until we were all in the car. I tried to let him know it was unpleasant but I was too nice about it for him to get it. I didn’t dare be harsher because sticking up for me and the kids usually lead to me feeling guilty for begin so unreasonable and getting upset over minor things and making him feel like a bad husband/father.

      • They do this shit to push our buttons because we shock horror dared to see them for what they are not put up with their steaming piles of bullshit.

        With narcicisists it is always about doing one better, looking better and payback for anyone who dares to expose them for the piece of shit they are. Their ego is so fragile that they’d rather get payback by trying to undermine, gaslight and destroy (even if it means destroying their own lives) than move on with their lives.

        My ex did all this exact same shit and still continues to do it to this exact day even though its 8 years since we split. It’s a shit show and a half. It’s almost Christmas and our sons birthday is on Christmas Eve and it’s not a question of if he’ll create some drama it’s a question of when. He’s a misery guts most of the time but Christmas is truly when this lovely part of of his personality comes to play and I can guarantee you if he’s miserable he will go that extra special mile to wreck Christmas for everyone else including our kids. But as hard as it is I don’t let it get to me anymore and neither should you.

        You need to draw some firm lines in the sand otherwise they’re gonna continue to ride roughshod over you. Brit chump, change the locks and if he rants and raves and threatens you with court, tell him to go for it. It shits me to tears that even though they’re separated and not living there that the law allows them to legally enter the house when they want which is not right. When you’re renting a landlord/owner is not allowed to let themselves in and the same should apply to exes.

        To the people whom have exes that turn up late, if they turn up late they don’t see the kids. If there is a set time for pick up that’s the set time. They’re not doing this shit because they can’t manage their time, they do it to mess with you because they get off on doing this and because they can. They threaten to take you to court, call their bluff – ok tell me the time and date and I’ll see you then. They rant, rave and threaten – don’t engage (they’re trying to draw you into a confrontation) hang up or shut the door in their face. They get verbally or physically abusive, call the police straight away – you should never ever ever have to put up with this.

        Most importantly look after yourselves. If you have a support network – use them, if not use the many community supports out there. Get some counseling to not only help you get through and deal this but to help you be assertive. You can’t control their behaviour, but you can control how you choose to deal with it and the stronger you get the easier it is to deal with.

        Also remember we’re kick ass people and nothing can bring us down.

    • Unicornomore – your story made me sad, one of my ex’s favourite punishments after the silent of course was leaving me & kids places without any warning. He even left us on holiday once.

      • Gosh, my ex used to do that, he’s go off and leave me, if we had the car I’d have to stay with it in case he drove off and left me, gosh that was such a deliberate waste of time. If we were walking he’d leave me behind or disappear so I didn’t know where he’d gone
        He disappeared sometimes when I was still asleep, or he’d manufacture an argument, or he’d go back and stay in the car when we were something
        He made a point of spoiling Christmas if he could. . He’d whine that Christmas wasn’t special anymore not like when he was a child. Well when you’re a big grown up man you’re supposed to make it special for your children aren’t you. Lord knows how much harder I could have tried.
        UKC hope he doesn’t plant the old tree back in the garage so he can go on even worse at you, take a photo of the fearless garage

        • Really young people may not remember family outings without every person carrying a phone, but back in the day before cell phones, if people went somewhere they would say something like “If we lose each other, meet here at 7pm”. If I tried to do that, he GOT SO PISSED OFF…but once I lost him in a large theme park and he was furious when he found me (and whatever kid).

          Everything made him mad…I tried SO HARD to keep things smooth, but he seemed to look for reasons to become indignant.

          • Unicornomore, me too. He thought he had a right to punish me for endless transgressions against his sacrosanct convenience. Or whatever. It was like being in prison. Like – who do these people think they ARE?

          • We did something similar to that on a holiday in New Zealand (from our home in Australia). We were in the wonderful Te Papa museum in Wellington. I had checked my bag in the cloakroom, forgetting my phone was in it.

            My kids were teens and we all had different interests. The museum is large and amazing. Because of that, we agreed that we could look at what we liked, but none of us would move to the next floor without the whole group (not a problem, since each floor could take hours). I specifically did this because X had a history of wandering off and expecting everyone to follow him, no matter their interests. In addition, the kids had different interests.

            I was looking at items with X when he disappeared. I kept looking at what I was interested in, ran into the teens a few times and kept an eye out for X. No problem, because we had all agreed on the plan, right? It’s never that easy with an emotional abuser!

            After a couple of hours and the kids and I finishing the floor, we hadn’t seen X though we had all seen each other several times and were able to meet up and agree we were finished. As a team, we walked through the floor to search for X. No sign at all. Announcement said musuem is closing soon. We went done to the cloakroom/desk to get our stuff and page X. Well, there he is in a thundering rage, sitting near the cloakroom. Apparently he went there soon after he walked off from me and has been sitting there for hours. He called my phone, but I didn’t answer. (No calls to the kids, who also had functioning phones.) He said he looked, but didn’t see any of us on the 2nd floor where we had all agreed to stay, but claimed he shouldn’t have to look for us, but we should have searched for him since we weren’t with him. He then did his signature sulk for the whole NZ trip over our “bad” treatment of him in the museum. He had to ruin every holiday. He always found something to be his excuse to keep focus on his anger instead of holiday fun.

            Life is so much nicer without that crap.

          • Omg, UNM…I was married to a guy just like that. Constantly pissed off about something. I honestly believe he liked being mad. I walked on eggshells.

  • This blog makes my heart cry, and cry out for the invention of new adjectives for the level of pond scum low blow egregious assholiness I read about from CN. Jiminy Crack Christmas this makes me sick.

    When you think about who he’a with, the antacid is REMIND YOURSELF WHO HE IS. OUT LOUD. A LOT. You’d have to have rocks for brains to adopt this piece of bleep. As was said in the previous column, “Hey, OW! Tag! You’re it!” (Merry Christmas….hehehehheh!”)
    #thinkslumpofcoalisgoldnugget

    I don’t know where in the UK you are, but I do know it’s an absolutely beautiful place. I’d be getting creative with my daughter coming up with lots of new Christmas outings. Think Escape to the (Christmas) Country. I have no experience with having to live under the same roof post DDay or sending my daughter off to an OW, but you have my deepest sympathy for that situation and hope that someone here can make some suggestions about dealing with that. I do know it would test the limits of my sanity. 😪

    In my own case, my daughter and I will be doing some of our traditions on our own for the first time. I am the one who keeps Christmas, so not much has changed in the labor department of Santa’s workshop. He just won’t be coming along for the ride. But he wants to hang out with us on Christmas…I am letting my daughter call the shots and doing what she wants. My ability to be civil is for her sake and to maintain my own dignity/integrity.

        • Oh don’t you worry, me and my little girl have got all sorts planned! I’m so excited for it to be just me and her (as much as he’ll allow… oh yes he’s exercising his 50/50 patental responsibility rights… absolutely nothing to do with the financial settlement and maintenance payments…absolutely…nothing…obviously). But yes I’m setting as many new traditions as I can. If you ever visit the UK definitely hit me up!!! Any friend of CN is a friend of mine ❤️

          • I’m so glad that you have some great plans with your daughter going forward UK. What I can’t ever wrap my head around is how cheaters torture their spouses. They are the ones that cheated and broke the union and then they turn around and are so damn mean to their former wives/husbands.
            I guess I’m lucky in that regard, my cheater XH never tortured me with bizarre shit. But then again he was in such a hurry to go off and live the good life with schmoopie he left everything.

  • This guy is what I would refer to as a Button Pusher. Needs to paint you as crazy, unstable and mean. Maybe in front of your daughter ?!?!

    He is not original. Trying to recreate what he had in his new life. Maybe he is trying to show your daughter that life would be just as great in his new live nest….

    Document Document Document!!!
    I had to live with Sinister Minister for a few months after BD too. Worst Christmas ever.

    You can do this. Your daughter needs you – just focus on giving her some stability this year.

    • UKChump, you’re an amazingly strong and creative person who cares deeply. Your cheater is beneath contempt—and you handled this situation perfectly.

      Don’t confront him. Don’t say a word. Act as if nothing actually happened. Tree? Oh THAT tree? Yes. I decorated it this morning and DD loves it. She’s so happy. Have a great weekend!! Bye!

      He’ll go batshit. He wants you to react and he wants you to be sad/angry/desperate. He wants you to ask him WHY! so that he can smirk and feel powerful. Only disturbed people steal—whether it’s from a bank or a corporation or…..a child. The intent is always that they feel YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO THAT THING.

      He may have not even wanted the damn trees. He may have dumped them on the side of the road for all you know. And that is what these fuckers do. Just to make you hurt.

      Don’t show him anything. Nada. Zip. It never happened, right? But you document and you remember. When the time comes, you can use it….in many ways. I would never pit daughter against him, but I sure as hell would let her know when she’s older…that this happened. Factual, non emotional information. Let her sort it out.

      She will see him, UKC, for what he is. It may not happen now, but it will happen. As a child of divorce, I was on my mother’s side consistently. Dad was The Bad Guy and she never once curbed her contempt for him and his moving on with a woman later my step mother.

      Turns out…my mother was the cheater. The crazy one. The consistent chooser of her boyfriends over her kids, spending our meager resources on her beaus and leaving us nothing. My Dad faded into the background because she made his life a living hell and poisoned us against him.

      Don’t let your cheater do this. You stay in your kids’ life, you stay sane, you show her (them?) that they can rely on you for not only safety, but the TRUTH. You provide what you can and the rest will fall into place.

      P.S. Lemme tell ya. I felt like pulling out my checkbook and sending you the fee for the tree—so you can purchase something nice for yourself and your daughter. This guy makes my blood boil.

      • Thanks @homebound Gives me some comfort when I hear of people finally finding out the truth. I always wonder what age my dd will get to before she sees who her dad really is. Hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas x

  • Merry Christmas UK Chump. You are doing the right thing by not taking his bait. You are showing your daughter that you are a strong good person. Let the OW have the hand me down trees. It seems that is what she likes. Merry Christmas and I am sure 2019 will be a better year.

    • maybe i missed it but she never said he took the trees to the OW.. .. all she said was both christmas trees were gone.

      but seriously, if the ow can take someones tree she is just as bad as the guy who stole them. How desperate do you have to be to steal someone’s christmas tree?

      the OP will have a much better life without this dickhead.

      • UK Chump

        your post is yet more proof that for most of us here on CN, our love for our children will always exceed the contempt we have for the pathologically self absorbed.

        I call my wasband the DOCTOR b/c his title screams out in CAPITAL letters!! DOCTOR NARKLES, asshole.

        As our son said when his father, the DOCTOR first posted on FB about the “love of his life Schmoopie” (whom he swears he met the day after I “shocked” him by filing for divorce – a month earlier and after 35 years of marriage…)

        “GOOD RIDDANCE TO LUNACY…”

        Amen, son, AMEN

  • The only good thing here, is that you will have this to look back on, anytime you start to feel the slightest bit of doubt or guilt, or nostalgia or when he seems pitiful because he is issued some consequences…just remember this.

  • Should he bring it up. Just tell your stbx that you wanted all new holiday decor this year! How did he know??? Any grousing on his part, just say ‘oh thank you for getting rid of that old junk!’ And yes. Itemize that one.

    • UK Chump has (unwittingly I believe) turned the tables on STBX. She has the ability to drive STBX mad with frustration and anger. This is so easy. UK Chump just has to be happy or at least give a good performance for the time being. When he takes daughter to OW’s house she can make off she has made plans so perfectly suits UK Chump’s agenda. As soon as he thinks UK Chump is making plans when he takes daughter to OW, he’ll stop taking daughter to OW’s house. UK Chump should be lost in thought when STBX is around, he’ll go crazy wondering what or who she has her mind on. By taking the trees he thought he’d frustrate and upset UK Chump. He thought he had guaranteed a fight or the very least a confrontation. When he sees a new tree all nicely decorated and no remarks from UK Chump, he’ll have lost the plot.

  • Xmas and holidays are particularly tough, you could ask him where the decorations have gone, then watch his face. Its image management, he wasn’t interested in Xmas with you, but he’s interested in it with her, its all crap. What are the plans for Xmas day.
    I was dumped for Xmas day, I know how shit, it is. Good luck. I wonder what the ows plans are for Xmas.

  • UK Chump,
    You did exactly the right thing and for the right reasons. I hope there’s a way to stick him with the bill for the new tree, and maybe as part of your coping strategies you can when necessary remind yourself to take pleasure in the fact that you’re sticking the OW with him.

  • UKchump,

    I’m sorry. Just when I think I’ve heard (or read ) it all, I come here and I’m surprised yet again. I’m so sorry that you and your daughter have to live with the grinch. What a steaming pile of dog shit he is to steal both trees. I admire your mightiness in keeping it together, buying and decorating another tree though. You may not feel like it but that was a mighty move.

    Like CL says, make sure that 110 winds up in the money he has to pay you in the settlement. Keep your eyes focused on the prize and remain cool if for no other reason than you know it drives him bat shit crazy.

    The OW has gifted herself a real prize. Make sure there are no returns on this delightful present!!

  • Wow, a new way of stealing Christmas from chumps, beside wrecking a family.

    Well, UKChump, thanks a million for sharing your story. It has changed my way of looking at a Christmas tree: I couldn’t bear to look at any, but TODAY I am going out to get MY tree and decorate it!

    This morning my first grandchild was born AND I got my Christmas back for my family!

    Thanks again UK and stay strong! Chump Nation will count the days with you until this scum gets out of your house. Please let us know!

  • My ex and I also had to live together, our last Christmas as a intact family was a month before our divorce was final. He left right after the presents were opened to spend a week with the OW. That was bad….stealing the tree just to fuck with you makes me feel lucky. Keep with the grey rock, it’s working.

    I thought we would be living together until we were debt free, plus this chump didn’t want to leave him with such an expensive mortgage plus the child support (that’s a whole other level of chumpiness). I eventually got an email forwarded to me by him, supposedly written by him, telling me to either move out or pay him more to live there. Then he acts all surprised when I go looking for a house, I reminded him that per his email he asked me to, I suppose he liked his ex-wife appliance and apparently OW felt threatened. 🙄 Anyway my point is that I didn’t think I could afford it, it was scary, but I moved out on my own and it was the best thing I could of done. I had to borrow money from my grandma but I am so much better now! I get it, the whole cohabiting thing, but if you can find a way get out of there.

    P.S. I wish I could somehow give you money to cover the expense of that tree…

  • Uk chump- im sorry you are in this really Shitty situation. It is painful enough to have to live through betrayal but to have him in the same house for months and your stuff just there for his scavenging(not sure that is a word) through would make me crazy! Good for you to go get a tree and make Christmas “normal” for your daughter. Sounds like you are a really good mom and doing the best for you both in a bad situation. Hugs!

  • What a piece of work he is. Hang in their while cohabitating with that loser. I’ve been there. It took months before cheater ex finally moved out. It was just one of countless ways he tried to make me miserable during the divorce. You rocked the situation. Had a good cry then picked yourself up and got it done for the sake of your child. I know it is hard but we don’t control what happens, just how we react.

    It does start to get easier. I’m still struggling but every time I manage to do something new, I know I’m that much mightier. I had two accomplishments this weekend. I bought a live tree, got it home and set up in my living room all by myself. The second is that the handle of my kitchen faucet was loose. I figured out how to tighten it up fairly quickly and now it’s perfect.

    Hang in there. Every small step you make is a victory. You’re super might already, I can’t wait to see how much more amazing you’ll be a year from now.

  • You are super duper MIGHTY, UKchump!!! You are doing everything right and keep on going. You have only a few more months until you no longer have to live with him. You are so smart that you realize he’s trying to get a rise out of you to feed off of your emotions and to try to get you to look crazy and unstable. My ex did the same and unfortunately after having to live with him for eight months after D-Day (he refused to leave — he “had his rights!”), I started to lose it and act crazy and unstable the last two months. And of course he got out his phone to record everything. He sucks, he sucks, HE SUCKS! And your soon-to-be-ex sucks EPICALLY! Let him and his whore have your old trees. You have your new tree that will have brand new memories. Let the whore have your sloppy seconds. You deserve new and cheater free memories, so maybe it’s good the old trees are gone. I left my Christmas tree behind when I moved out with my kids (he wouldn’t leave so I left!) and now I have a fabulous silver tree that’s so retro and cool! This is our third year with our new tree and it’s all mine and has no cheater memories attached to it. My ex has my old tree that I picked out and purchased. He’s a sociopath, so he has no emotions when it comes to stuff that was “ours”, so it belongs with him and his whore. They deserve my old stuff. She deserves my sloppy seconds. 🙂

    • Martha, the Twat “had his rights” too. He moved in with the Skank but they were like two kindergartners and would have a handbag-flailing fight every 2-3 weeks or so and he would move back home because “he knew his rights”! Then she would call a couple of days later and the suitcases would move back out – until the next time. The best though was one time when he was back at the house and he looked at me and asked if we could have sex because he was horny! I told him that knowing where he had dipped his stick there was no way he was coming near me with that thing. To which he replied “I’ve got rights you know”! If he hadn’t been so pathetic I would have ripped him a new one. Instead I just laughed in his face and told him that his rights ended where mine started! What a dick!

      • Attie WTF? ( hysterical here! whahahahaha) but really on a serious note it’s quite disturbing – the sense of entitlement that they think they own you and are claiming ‘their conjugals’ at this point. What a dickhead!

  • My stbx (7 months separated, no pick me dance, no contact, papers filed, negotiations from hell) and I are different religions. His faith does not celebrate Christmas. I have always loved and celebrated The holiday. He has not and would complain about the activities I had planned. It is a special time of year that I have always worked hard to create special memories for my daughter. We have a blast! Two weeks ago he sent my daughter a picture of the 7ft tree he put up at his house as well as the Christmas decorations he put all over. WTF?!? I have no idea why he will be “celebrating” Christmas as she will be with me this year and every year. I admit I spent some time trying to untangle this craziness then I just gave up and thought it would be nice to be a fly on the wall when he explains to his conservative Jewish family why he is celebrating Christmas when he doesn’t have custody of his daughter.

    I also am surprised that he has let two of his holidays pass without celebrating with her even though it was stipulated in the custody agreement.

    His identity crisis is clearly deeper than imagined.

  • I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I get the shock/disbelief factor — I had one of those myself.
    You are right, he did this to upset you. Knowing you would go buy new.

    What he is doing is trying to create “the other shoe syndrome”. He is intentionally not only screwing you over, he is picking highly emotionally charged events to shock you. The more he can pull the rug out, the more power he may feel, because it is a control tactic. As long as it tilts the table in his favor, even for stupid stuff, he will enjoy doing it.

    I ran through my entire divorce on edge, waiting for the next stunt to come from any and all sides. It is a terrible feeling. It took a good length of years after the divorce to feel the random blows were going to stop coming. I am on my third year post divorce/in my new home and this Christmas is the first I feel settled.

    Yours will be there, too. Not this one, but in the future. It won’t matter what used decorations he absconded with, it will not even register…

    This Christmas I have a WHALE of a karma story to tell but I will wait for a karma post to spill.

    • UK Chump, Magneto is right. It’s a power play. It’s more than “he wants your pain.” He wants to CAUSE you pain. He wants to hurt you. I think you are right to be afraid of him.

      My X did the exact same thing. I told him on Christmas Eve I was going to file for divorce. He could not believe I would stand up to him (after 27 years). I went to work every day while he stayed home, as he was jobless as usual. I returned home each night to find some new petty revenge. All the pictures of me were turned to the wall. He locked me out of our bedroom. He played our wedding video on an endless loop. He talked all day on his cell to everyone, trashing my character. How do I know? DD18 was home from college and he wanted her to hear. He told DS15 that he was going to call CPS to remove DS from our home, as I was molesting him. He followed me around the house and got in my face, saying “this is my house. I can do what I want.”

      When I tried to describe these acts to anyone, they just sort of shrugged and said, “Well, he’s a jerk but just ignore him and he’ll stop.” Except, he didn’t. Gray rock just made him more determined to show me who was boss. It ended with threats and guns and the police and traumatized children and a protective order. Even then, his family and friends supported him (and still do) because “he wasn’t really going to hurt anyone.”

      So, I understand your fear. It’s terrifying to live with such malice, spite and determination to cause you pain. You’re right; he will strike back. I’m so sorry.

  • UK Chump… I want to buy you a pint… you are sooooo MIGHTY!

    THIS: “He should be scared of what YOU do next. Don’t let this idiot intimidate you. You’re doing EXACTLY the right thing — he wants your pain, your pick me dance, and you’re giving him nothing. You take that £110 and add it to your financial settlement. Line item that shit. He can explain his pre-emptive division of assets to his lawyer.”

    These fuckwits HATE… I mean HATE… when we realize we CAN stand up to them and then we do it!

    I played nice for the first year after the discard thinking that since he hadn’t filed, he might come back. Then I realized (after discovering CL and CN)… that I didn’t want him back. My Grinch story became:

    “Then the Chump thought of something she hadn’t before? Get a divorce and an upheld prenuptial agreement, she thought, while she changed the locks on the door! What if hiring a pitbull lawyer… perhaps… meant unforeseen happiness and relief she never had before?!”

    Feel the fear… do it anyway. Fear is a liar.

  • Hahahaaaa – talk about schadenfreude!

    As much as it hurt and as much of an asshole he tried to be, the net result?

    Mama has a shiny, CheaterFREE Christmas tree!

    And The Whore gets another family’s used trees and baubles. The setup you crafted is now in Whore’s living room, reminding her of you with every shimmer and sparkle – mocking her – during the most wonderful time of the year. Every time she gets up to pee in the middle of the night… every evening, while she watches TV… when she opens her eyes after a nap on the couch… the glow of your tree, SLAPPING that whore in the face like a Big Dick of Good Cheer. Hahaaaaa! Fantastic.

    Rock your CheaterfreeTree this year!

    • And pleasing The Cheater will be something she HAS to do, because I’m sure he’s so proud of himself for it! She’ll have to pretend to LOVE it. OMG – this is too much. Instant Karma.

      • Love it! Seriously, doesn’t the OW already have a Christmas tree? And imagine she sees the box and it’s obvious it’s a used tree…that him and his wife and kid sat under and decorated!! Shouldn’t the OW be creeped out!!! I’d be thinking, “WHat would Jesus think!”

        The STBX is shallow. He’s just thinking that it’s HIS tree and HE is entitled to it. And he’s wants to piss you off. He can triangulate you against the OW, add to his sad sausage story with her, and show your daughter how unreasonable you are and impossible to live with…becuase that is HIS tree! And bonus points…if you get pissed…then there’s bonus points that he still pulls your puppet stings and is significant in your life.

        So…don’t fall for it. Grey rock. Make new traditions.

        Yes. All cheaters love to ruin holidays and birthdays and do shit to unstablize you…so they feel normal.

  • UKchump, you get a standing ovation from me! You are a class act and the perfect example of what to do! Applause, applause, and more applause! I wish you the absolute happiest Christmas ever, you deserve it tenfold!

  • That is cold.
    I’ll contribute to your tree fund.
    The worst months of my life were spent separated, in the basement. My cell phone did not get good reception and sound traveled easily. EXhusband could be heard whistling “I will survive ” when he would return from a date.
    It is torture to share space while separated with a POS entitled grinch doppelganger.
    Peace on Earth.

    • Oh god, the whistling. My cheater does this. Whistles and sings at the top of his voice like he hasn’t a care in the world! Makes my stomach turn.

  • Four years ago on Christmas Day, while showing off our almost complete “dream home”, I found text on her phone from her 26 year old boytoy. He was telling her he was going to decorate her face with a certain male fluid. Turns out she had her 44 year old porn girl self in action three nights earlier. Needless to say I have zero use for this time of year. That being said, don’t be me! Keep on kicking ass! Great job on the tree! Love to see stories of turning the tables on these sick people!

    • DavidB:

      Reading your story was painful. It’s no wonder you feel the way you do about celebrating Christmas.

      My XH dumped me right before Thanksgiving for Married Howorker; with one selfish stroke (pun intended), he ruined Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday), quickly followed by Christmas, New Year’s, and our wedding anniversary (January 8th).

      In the six years since, I’ve chosen to opt out of all of it. No parties, no decorating, no eggnog. Nada. Not exactly a “Bah humbug”, but more of a “No thanks, I’ll pass this time around“. Last year, I finally donated most of the holiday stuff that had been lurking in my basement, including the once-beloved “Our First Christmas” ornament.

      Most of the year, I pretty successfully reside in Meh (Zero Contact is golden!), but as mid-November approaches, I seem to slip back into an annual state of malaise. For Thanksgiving this year, I declined two separate invites; I just couldn’t go and pretend to be cheery, feeling like a conspicuous third wheel (“Who is that woman and who invited her?“). So I had an egg salad sandwich for dinner and went to bed; another year done.

      As for Christmas, I know my children are quietly disappointed when they visit me, and my house looks like it always does… neat, clean and completely unadorned, save for the wreath I usually put on my front door. Occasionally, they’ll ask why I haven’t put up a tree and I have a litany of excuses (all very practical, but still lame). In the end, I think it makes them feel sad that I’m choosing to sit alone on the sidelines.

      But this morning, after reading UKChump’s story about how she bravely reclaimed Christmas, I may actually have had a change of heart. Since my XH left, I’ve worked very hard to rebuild and create a new life for myself… one that feels authentic and feeds my soul. But for whatever reason, I didn’t see that I could also rebuild the holidays; he’s not even here anymore, but I’ve stupidly allowed him to continue to steal my joy. This passive resignation is so unlike me; I am an active, passionate, “get her done” type of person, not someone who just lays down and accepts defeat.

      So this year, I’m going to make it happen. I’m done thinking that “the holidays suck”. I’m going to transform what was a truly dark and dreaded time of year for me into something that’s had new life breathed into it. DavidB, I don’t know where you live, but if you were close by, I’d invite you over to kick ass with me.

      • Your journey makes a lot of sense to me. I think you’re healing from the inside, to the external. You’re ready to turn a new page, good for you!

      • That brought tears to my eyes. My aunt gave Dickhead and I that says

        Dickhead & MissBailey
        August 5, 2000

        I loved that ornament and loved that man. Damn him for being a despicable human being. This first holiday season is a hard one. I’m still taking one day and one step at a time.

        • MissBailey,

          Cheater Exhole had given me three absolutely beautiful glass etched ornaments for our Dec 5th, 2017 anniversary. Speaking of, our 2018 anniversary is in two days and we go to court…Happy Anniversary. Ironic. Anyway, one of them was of the kids, another of him and I together, etc. I went to decorate the tree a few days ago, saw the ornaments and each one I pulled out made me more and more sick to my stomach. And sadly, even the ones of the kids still pisses me off. So many of my ornaments were special as he had been giving me one or two a year plus others that were gifted to us from friends and family. I put up 6 non-exhole ornaments and then packed up the rest and set them to the side. Fuck him. My tree can just stay like that this year.

          • I understand completely. I kept the beautiful ornaments related to our marriage for a few years. Some of them were hand painted and lovely. It seemed wrong to toss them. Some of them were beloved by the kids, and their sentimental attachment to them was different than mine. I’d put them aside each year, but I wasn’t getting rid of them.

            Christmas is such a family holiday for me, and spending it as a single parent is among the harder slogs, so I’ve been slower to strip it of all the EX’s traces. I don’t want the EX back, but I do still yearn at Christmas for the Norman Rockwell version of the holiday. I may not miss my miserable holidays with him, but I do miss my dream of a family all having a great holiday together.

            Finally, last year, as I packed up the tree, I tossed all the ornaments attached to the EX. No more ghosts in the ornament box this year. I tossed the tree too. I’m seven years out, and this year it is a new tree!

      • Sandals, I felt EXACTLY like you. I used to love to bake for the holiday. Now I cringe to look at cookie sheets.

        But UK Chump’s defiance also changed my mind and heart. As Chump Lady says, don’t let the jackasses occupy our mental real estate. And that includes these festive days. They DO NOT belong to creeps. Have a nice time with your family. I bet the will be happy if you put up the tiniest tree.

      • The first year I had to do Christmas without my son because he would be with my ex I was sure it would be dreadful. I thought about just pretending it wasn’t happening – staying in bed until it had past. But instead I signed up to volunteer dropping off gifts at a local hospital the afternoon of Christmas eve, driving shut ins and seniors to Christmas eve services, serving breakfast at a local homeless shelter Christmas morning. I was not the same as having Christmas with my boy – but it made the holiday bearable. It’s my “off year” tradition for all the holidays now.

        • You are a good person and inspiring. I will be spending Christmas alone this year and I will try to follow your lead.

          • Monkey,

            I don’t know if doing good deeds “because FUCK him if I’ll sit home crying fucking asshat” really qualifies me as a good person. But at least some people benefit from it. I just hope it balances out some of the bad karma I’m due for the ugly thoughts I have had toward him.

            • Deciding to channel negative emotions into positive actions definitely gets you “good people” points. I mean, you could have decided to go set a dumpster on fire because you were feeling angry, or go to the Mall Santa Booth and loudly announce that Santa was fake. Instead, you did something nice for someone. Good for you.

      • MyRed – Fake it till you make it! The holidays are a muscle memory, like everything else. Get some decorations out, buy some new ones! Even if you have not one person over to your house, YOU are enough & special to enjoy some holiday cheer!

      • UPDATE:

        Thanks to all for your support!

        After taking a good look at my living room (the biggest room in my little bungalow), I sadly do not have a single space for a Christmas tree! But I won’t be deterred; I will modify, adapt and be flexible, and figure out a new way to spruce up my house with holiday cheer. It’s time to get creative!

        • My grandmother, when she got older, had SPACE for a tree but not the ability to bring one home and set it up… and she was NOT one to call on her family to do things for her.

          She had theeeee mossssst BEAUTIFUL tabletop trees! They were small enough that should could manage it herself, were an easy height to water, turn the lights on and off, and she perfected it throughout the season with little additions. Gorgeous. Maybe you could have the family over to make gingerbread-cookie ornaments with you, string popcorn and cranberries, bring and hook pinecones, and you can all dress the tree together?

          Very like this… https://mandarinastudio.wordpress.com/2010/12/07/tabletop-tree/

          • insistonhonesty:

            Thanks for the suggestion; I will investigate! In the meantime, I’ve already started on my journey of rejuvenation. This afternoon, I bought two beautiful mailbox swags; one went over my mailbox on the front porch, and the other was so large and beautiful, I placed it horizontally on my living room fireplace mantle and adorned it with fresh holly berries, cinnamon pinecones and white star-shaped candles. I also purchased a gorgeous boxwood wreath for my front door, and jazzed it up with some artificial pears and grapes, pine cones, and some cool silver swizzle! That prompted me to go down into the basement, and dig out the Christmas stockings (the XH’s was tossed the first Christmas after D-Day), the holiday towels, and some other holiday doodads. I wish I had the ability to add some photos here so I could share my progress. On tomorrow’s agenda? Poinsettias! I’m on my way — anyone want to join me?

  • I had Christmas intentionally destroyed for me during my divorce, too.

    I spent it alone, but refused to allow anyone to see the pain. I just focused on getting my divorce over.

    I KINGS 22 30 “I will disguise myself and enter the battle”

  • My ex HATED Christmas. Made every Christmas miserable. Anyway, I’m the divorce proceedings he attempted to sue me for half the Christmas decorations! WTF??

    • Yes to this. Mine did this, too. Every year it was like pulling teeth to get him to go out and get a tree and decorate it. And we’re not talking the day after Thanksgiving here; I mean the 15th, 17th, 18th of December! He would bestir himself only because our son would come over to help decorate it. He was as bad about taking it down, so most years I did it myself. He never bought an ornament in 35 years of marriage (he had about a half dozen he’d inherited from his family). I, on the other hand, bought an ornament every year for our son (and often one from my now-ex), every year my mother sent us each an ornament, and often his sister would send one to each of us, too.
      Yet when we started the divorce process and dividing things, what was one of the two things he stuck out his bottom lip and insisted on? “His” Christmas ornaments! I’ll be surprised if he even buys a tree…or maybe I won’t, because buying one and decorating it will be his way of showing how I kept him from being happy all those years.

      • Fucktard x’s bright idea of getting a tree one year was to wait until close to midnight on Christmas Eve. When the tree lot was closed, he jumped the fence, grabbed a tree, pitched it over the fence and climbed back over behind it. I was horrified. He was proud that he’d gotten something for nothing, and claimed that it wasn’t stealing because they were just going to throw away the ones nobody wanted anyway.

        I should have run like my hair was on fire. Instead, I tried to explain that we could well afford to BUY a tree, and that putting one up so late when we were expecting HIS ENTIRE FAMILY for Christmas the next day was really inconvenient. What a chump I was.

        • When you find yourself having to explain how to be a decent human being to an adult, yes, you should “run like your hair is on fire!”

          • Presumed adult. I know better now. Entitled people are developmentally stunted. He was as delighted with himself as the little girl who stole my pencil box in second grade.

          • You nailed it with that comment! How many times have we all had to explain how to be normal to our disordered exes? Seriously, how many irrational, round and round and round the crazy bus asinine conversations have we had explaining how their behavior is not normal for an adult? Ugh. May we all never need to explain how to be an adult to anyone ever again!

            • “May we all never need to explain how to be an adult to anyone ever again!”

              ^^^^THIS!^^^^

              Thank you Monkey Eyes (Love your moniker!), Survivor and Jojobee for your thoughts on ‘explaining’ the ‘adulting’ thing. BTDT! Ugh!!! NEVER again…..

        • He moved out November 1. I ran a business in the home and always decorated for Christmas and threw a Christmas party for my students, so I decorated that year. All of the decorations were stored on a large shelf over the garage door so I had to ask his help in getting them down so I could decorate. He told me that when I had everything down and packed in January he would come back over to put the decorations back on the big shelf – but that I needed to divide the decorations and keep them separate since it would be easier to go ahead and get that done before storing them. I did. I got rid of the “First Christmas” 1984 ornament, the “First Christmas In Our New Home” ornament, old broken ones, things we hadn’t used in years, and split out his from before we were married and gave him some I didn’t care for. Kept everything I liked and loved. Told him he could come over and move them to the shelf and then I waited. In February I asked a friend to come over and we got my decorations up on the shelf. In March I told him he had 2 weeks to come over to store the rest or I was giving them away. He didn’t come until late April – by then I had chucked a bunch of his stuff. He ended up with a tree and some outdoor decor – not sure what he ever did about ornaments. And I really don’t care.

  • UKChump, you are soooo mighty right now! I love that you rallied, got out there, and found a tree for you and your daughter. The cost sucks, but maybe your family can help you, and call that a Christmas gift?
    I actually think this worked out like it was supposed to- you found out early enough to go get a tree, you did it stealthily, and as a bonus, he gets to be surprised (and maybe a little amazed) when he walks in! Don’t buy in to the fear, he must have enjoyed scaring you in your ‘marriage’, but it’s a new day now. Time to be a tower of strength.
    My Christmas wish for you is peace, and that he spends very little time at your home! On to the finish line! (And be careful)

  • My X came and took the tree stand and I didn’t know until I was looking for it before we went to cut a tree. This is funny because OW is allergic to Christmas trees so they have to have a fake tree which does not need a stand.

    • When I got home on Friday afternoon, my ex was there picking up the boys to take for his weekend. I got in the house and I was like where is your dad and they said oh he’s in the attic. He comes down w/ a big box of Christmas lights/decor and tree stand. I didn’t care about anything but the stand and I said, I need that stand. He seemed surprised and was like oh you are getting a tree? I said yes, and he said a “real one”? I said when have I ever had a fake tree ever? Idiot. They are all idiots.

  • My ex used to do things like this to me….take my things (things I know where they were) and move them to screw with my head, and in one case, gave his girlfriend one of my collectible Muppet figures (ironically, not the Miss Piggy one, which she resembles).

    What I would do if I were you UKChump if he acts like you forgot where the old Christmas tress were to screw with your head, screw with his head right back! Convince him that YOU threw out those ratty old trees and replaced them yourself! It was your idea the whole time. It was time to get rid of all of the old useless stuff in your house and upgrade, you were just starting with the trees….You gave those old useless trees to charity….some poor helpless uninspired woman that can’t do for herself took them off your hands for you. Out with the old, in with the new!

    • Nothing stings liars and sneaks like the truth…

      Cheater, acting all surprised: Oh my goodness… where have the trees and Christmas decorations gone?

      Chump, nonchalantly: You took them last week.

      Cheater: ::stutters, feigns shock:: What? Oh no… well, I just moved them t-

      Chump interrupts: Whatever. I have a new tree now.

      Cheater retreats to rage and lick wounds in privacy.

      • Yeah, don’t fight crazy with crazy. Just be factual and unimpressed. This is just the latest in a long string of fuckery from him, and you’re not even surprised when he does shit like this any more, just annoyed.

  • My cheater threw out my tree as well!

    I had to buy a new one and was so stressed at the time due to the expense, but I wasn’t going to let him ruin Christmas. Two years later (still hashing out nonexistent financials) and I had nearly forgotten…

    It truly does get better! There are ups and downs, to be sure, but I agree with Unicornnomore that cheating is only one abuse. So glad to be away from that grinch!

  • When this came up in the forum the other day I saw a very smart response that said when he comes around demanding to know why you bought a new tree to simply say, “This old thing? I have had it a while and just decided to put it up this year.” Don’t acknowledge the theft at all. No drama kibbles for him. Pure grey rock. It may indeed make him stroke out. He doesn’t get to punish and control for even one more minute.

    And then put it as a line item on the division of assets.

  • It’s right up there with stealing pennies off a dead man’s eyes. What next? Is he gonna mug Santa Clause & Rudolph for the sleigh of Christmas presents? Hijack the Easter bunny?Stealing his child’s Christmas tree from the home Unbelievable! #unoriginallowlifefuckingskumbagscroogingtwat

  • Ah yes, Xmas provides such an extra special ‘sparkly’ backdrop for Cheater dramas. Mine, now thankfully over for five years included a Boxing Day confession from a drunk ( relapsed ) XH that apart from the drinking, he’d been stealing from me to pay for sex workers. Puts a whole new meaning on Ho, Ho, Ho. Sadly ( Chump learning point) this was not the moment at which I walked. It was a cold, snowy Xmas and I wanted to forgive, believe in new beginnings. Turn this ‘lost’, pissed man toward a New Year and a new start. I’d probably just watched The Christmas Carol. You don’t need me to tell you what happened next….

    Anyway Ukchump, Xmas like the infidelity pain is finite. If you keep to the Chump side of the street ( document/grey rock/ignore etc) you’ll be OK and get through it. Think how you’ll celebrate Easter, The Summer Solstice or any other Holiday- without a Grinch ex.

  • My ex’s birthday is Christmas Day. It was always very stressful. Full formal dinner, and his cheating, narcissistic father who called his wife ‘mommy’. The Christmas before I filed, my ex left the house mid morning after presents were opened because ‘I deserve some me time on my birthday’. My daughter and I backed three cakes, trying to get his favorite birthday cake ‘perfect’. He was 3 hours late and when I was upset he swore at me. I was cooking a beef tenderloin and he loomed over me, stating loudly that ‘I told you not to effing over cook it’. That was it, I told him to ‘go eff himself in front of his mother and my kuds’ What an awful dinner. Of course he had spent the afternoon with schmoopie.

    The following Christmas, we were, ‘separated in house’. My girlfriend (who was also divorcing. Our ex’s are best friends ) and I traded Christmas break for Easter break. She and I asked our ex’s to leave for Christmas Eve and morning. We celebrated with our kids and then left for the airport. We booked a cheap vacation in Mexico online. When we got to the resort we found we were booked in the ‘honeymoon suite’ and the staff thought we were a loving lesbian couple’.

    That year my ex refused to take the tree down. In March I wrested it out the front door. In April my girlfriend and I took four kids to trek the Grand Canyon.

    My point, UK Chump, is we do what we have to. It gets so much better.

    • Three hours late and he wonders why the tenderloin was overcooked. In this rare instance, I think it was good that you told him to eff off in front of everyone. Let them see you not being a doormat. Even us chumps have our limits. You were well within your rights in that instance.

    • That’s awesome that you went to Mexico! I hate the “living together but separate” situation. I’m living it now. I wish I was rich so I could leave immediately!

  • You did the right thing – you are unstoppable!
    Your daughter might have a Cindy Lou Who moment:
    “Santy Clause, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, WHY?”
    Let the Grinch explain!

  • Another dickweed stole a Christmas tree story:
    At the time of his eviction from my home POP (Predatory Opportunistic Parasite), took the box that contained my 12′ Christmas tree. Actually it contained the bottom 2/3 of the tree. I had used the top section as a small tree the previous year and it was stored elsewhere.

    It turned out that due to his not paying the fees for the storage unit my tree was stored in, it got sold along with ALL his worldly possessions– for pennies on the dollar. Those possessions lost included thousands of dollars of designer clothing, shoes and other luxury goods. His stuff was put in the storage unit because immediately after being evicted, he was moving into the local homeless shelter. From my seven figure home to a homeless shelter within 3 hours time….Ouch.

    Karma for him has been a real beyatch far beyond losing the above. Two convictions for drunken driving have put a real crimp in his predatory living off of women lifestyle. One would imagine it’s hard to get any woman to date you if you have to blow into a device to get your car to start……..

    • Not only did he steal my Christmas tree, he managed to ‘steal’ Christmas by (just like Kathleen’s post below), he walked out just as I was about to serve the Christmas dinner I had slaved over for hours. Freshly showered claiming he was going to deliver a gift to the man who owned the gym we went to. (Yeah, I know-of course I was livid and knew what he was up to). He came back 7 hours later drunken and expecting me to be served the meal. Imagine my response.

      THEN, on New Years Eve we were at a dinner/dance affair. Dressed to the nines, him looking incredibly handsome in one of his 3 custom tuxes. It was a magical night. Just after midnight, I excused myself to the ladies room. Upon my return he announced he’d gotten a call that his best friend had been in a car accident and his wife had called asking if he would ‘come watch the kids while she was at the hospital’. Yeah right. Instead of changing into street clothes when we went back to my house to drop me off, he remained in his tux and took nothing with him–no change of clothes, toiletries, etc. He remained gone for days, refusing to acknowledge my calls or texts. He returned the following Monday–right after his whore had to go back to work.

      It’s taken me years to be able to tolerate Christmas or New Years Eve. It wasn’t only him that always ruined them—my husband did also–not by cheating but by being a nasty tempered asshole.

      Life is SOO much better without toxic, self centered narcissistic men it in.

      • HeSatAtTheCurb

        I’m so sorry you had a similar experience on Christmas 😪. It’s difficult now 3 years later that
        I can even recall the pain I felt that day. These ex spouses were the devil but we never recognized them as such. I hope you are living a better life without the cruel selfish narcissist. I’m trying also. Enjoy the holidays & take care of yourself.
        ((Hugs)) ❤️

  • Christmas Day while I was preparing dinner for the family stbex came into kitchen all showered dressed exiting for the door. I said “ where are you going.. it’s Christmas!” He said “Do what you have to do, I’m not
    stopping. Going to a Christmas party “.
    That was the last Christmas together. The following summer I served him divorce papers. I was humiliated & in pain entire day but I had to hide it from my son.
    He not only stole the holiday but 34 years of a marriage I thought I had. He moved into Whores home after living in our basement until buying him out of our house.
    Last year whore died & he quickly moved into a 82 year old woman’s apartment. Hopefully his Christmas
    from now on will be miserable.

  • UK Chump, you might not feel mighty but you are! The best thing you can to to combat attempts at gaslighting is to NOT react in the way your abuser is banking on.

    I have told this story before, but I’ll keep telling it for new Chumps. Cold Slab O’Meat moved all his things in one day with a big box truck by himself. No “friends” (Ha he had none! Even work acquainatances were not going to help him shack up with a coworker) came to help him, and I told him in no uncertain terms that Ho Baby was not setting foot on my property. He asked my son to help and my son refused.

    Cold Slab had a shitty white Wal-Mart Tree when we met, full of dark red generic plastic dobbers. He was very proud of that piece of shit, and I even let it be “our” tree for three Christamases because he loved telling people he used to be a window dresser at a trendy clothes shop in Cardiff, Wales. It was one way for him to feel like my house was his home too. Although I had a massive collection of special real ornaments. Over the years I added special ornaments for his daughter.

    He was in such a hurry to free fuck Schmoopie he left everything behind. He left his daughters baby keepsakes behind! when it came time, I bought a really nice quality tree at Goodwill and some red lights at Target. I carefully sorted his ornaments from mine, and packed them in nice boxes. I managed to not cry the entire time. I left white tree and the boxes for him in the shed to pick up when he got to it.

    I was only on social media with my stepdaughter at that point, but a few days later I got a nasty email from the ex accusing me of stealing his Christmas tree ornaments and making my stepdaughter cry because we would have a ‘nice Christmas” and she wouldn’t. And stepdaughter was sad all the time now because of me.

    If you’re a new chump, you’d have to take a minute to not absorb the monstrosity of that. But somehow I did. I wrote back that every Christmas thing he owned was packed neatly and waiting to be picked up in the shed, just tell me when he was coming so I could unlock it. That he has no more and no less than the decorations he had when we met. And that I had nothing to do with his daughter’s sadness, he was 100% responsible for blowing up his daughter’s life and it was ridiculous for him to tell her I stole things, that if she looks closely at the photos of our tree nothing of theirs is on it.And I won’t apologize for having “a nice Christmas.” He chose this for all of us.

    He came to get his ornaments from the unlocked shed where I told them they would be and then sent another nasty email saying they weren’t there. Because he was looking in the garbage can enclosure and not the locked shed? Because I would leave Hallmark Ornaments I bought for SD in a garbage pen??? He actually said that he didn’t look in the actual unlocked shed that I told him to look in because he “didn’t want to invade my privacy.” Because what? I would be fellating myself with a drill bit in there in a desperate bid to replace his LOVE?

    Looking back, I see the entire episode as a massive bid for centrality and blameshifting. You borrow money from your 83 year old dad to move out to a shitty apartment with your impregnated coworker (still a secret from everyone) and then attempt to make your wife a Grinch character to your daughter when she tell you how awful everything is.

    Friends, it was at that point I decided that I just wasn’t going to be on the line anytime Cold Slab wanted to yank a chain for giggles. He would have been happy to quibble over every mundane detail of the pile of nothing we owned, but I went No Contact.

    And OH, I sent a message to my stepdaughter too, letting her know that Daddy was mistaken, all her Christmas decorations had already been packed up, including the Special Year ornaments I had bought for her, and Daddy must have forgotten to come get them, and she was welcome to come see our new tree and lights anytime.

    That is how you deal with a Narcissist. Everything is so exhausting with them, though. I do not pity the Sluterus. That’s what she got for Christmas. A partner who will lie to her face. It’s perfect.

  • Posted in forum as well but in case others do not read that thread I really think it is important that everyone is aware that this situation is getting worse and I do have concerns about safety. Domestic violence is a very serious problem and often victims are taken by surprise by someone who they were sure would never physically harm a fly! This is my comment from the forum:

    UK Chump, I think you are just fantastic and so strong and mighty just to go out and get another tree! I have been following your story in the forums tho and I saw where you posted that this morning he removed the only tv and sky box from the wall so that you and dd have no tv to watch!

    My concern is that even though stealing the trees was the height of mean grinchiness your cheater now seems to be escalating. I agree with others who have said he is hoping to get a reaction from you, most likely trying to paint you as crazy or justify his leaving, who knows what creepy reasons he has. I do have some fear for your safety though. This is not your typical cheater nastiness, this is above and beyond! Who leaves a child with no t.v esp. at Christmas with all the fun holiday shows?

    Please protect yourself and dd. This cheater I think is certifiably crazy. And PLEASE document all this, take videos if you can, write it down, whatever, but do NOT let him know you are doing this and keep evidence somewhere he can never find it, preferably with someone else, at family or friends house!

    • Wise words. Yes, he could do anything, and is getting angrier.
      Maybe move out, even if it’s to a friends basement? You never know what a Narc has planned.

    • Maybe a restraining order will get him out of the house? And use this to show that he is unstable and try and get full custody of daughter too so he can’t harm her either. I don’t know how the law works in the UK (or even in the US really), but you really need a good solicitor right now.

  • I don’t know why this popped into my ‘there gotta be a way to get this piece of flotsam’? I imagine UK Chump gets her family and friends together and go stand in front of schoopie’s abode serenading with Christmas Carols with a slightly altered composition: On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me her xmas trees’, on the second day of xmas my twu luv gave to me, 2 penis covers, and her xmas trees, on the third day of xmas my twu woov gave to me, 3 bad blow jobs, 2 penis covers and her xmas trees, etc. etc. I say this in the Christmas spirit of turn the other cheek. (the note extension falls on the word her, e.g., herrrrrrr.)

    • Timing might work better if it goes “on the 5th day of Christmas my Twu Wuv gave to me herrr Chritmas trees”. That verse always stands out among the rest because of the change in tempo.

  • UKChump, I agree with others who recommend acting very nonchalant about the whole thing and calmly telling him you purchased new tree to replace the ones he stole to give his OW.

    I also had to remain living in marital home with ex-cheater for five months after D-day, and it was also around Christmastime (our official date of separation was Dec 15). During that time, cheater’s boss gave ME a $200 gift card for a local fancy spa, as a thank-you for putting up with all the overtime ex-cheater worked. Of course, cheater abruptly quit that job just a couple months later to pursue his “dream” of becoming a famous actor, but that’s a whole other story too well known here.

    Before I had a chance to use the gift card, cheater stole it off my desk and gave it to his OW.

  • May i suggest the OP getting a storage unit until after her divorce is final. (my apologies if this has already been suggested. i havent read all the comments yet)

    if your husband is stealing stuff then you need to get some kind of storage off the premises and where only you have the key. start taking out the things that are really special and sentiment to yourself and put in storage. Cheaters love to break or take those things, not because they want them but because those things mean something to you. you can take these things out when he is at work and he will never notice (because they dont really mean anything to him in the first place).

    Things like your daughters baby pictures. pictures of your mom/dad and grandparents. Baby blankets, your grand dads war medal. your great aunts quilts she made for you. maybe you have hertiage items, like that dinner plate your great great grandparent smuggled from england. or maybe your mothers baptismal gown. .. . also make sure you have all the important documents stored away also. your birth certificate and ss card. your daughters birth certificate and ss card. titles to your vehicle. shot records. and anything else.

    if he is capable of stealing your christmas tree, just to hurt your feelings. he is capable of doing so much more.. .. dont give him that power. protect yourself and your daughter.

    good luck

    P.S. can you maybe start hinting at what a wonderful christmas gift it would be for his OW if he moved in with her? if you make it sound like HIS idea, he might just believe it.

    • It’s amazing isn’t it that the only things that ever got broken (by him) in this house were my things. A silly example I know but I bought a pretty table cloth for our garden table, put it out and then looked at my kids and said “how long before that gets spoiled”? Well about 15 minutes actually. Cigarette burns from that cigarette that just “happened” to fall out of the ash tray!

  • Reminds me of my ex taking my Kuerig that he had previously given me as a X-mas present and he took it and doesn’t even drink or like coffee. Having to live with these monsters is absolutely the worst! And I like you felt fear everytime I took things into my own hands. It’s weird isn’t it. What else were you supposed to do but why do you feel fear? My ex took over 3k from our account during our separation this was supposed to be used for mortgage since we were both still living in house. Boy did I feel fear when I went to the bank and closed that account and took the rest of the money to pay the bills.. And why, why did I feel fear, I was forced to go that distance.

    Look on the bright side… A new tree with your own new memories! I get the fear but it will come to an end… just hang in there!

    • My brother found a one-and-only picture of our mom at about age 13 riding a bike. He had copies made for all the brothers and sisters. When the ex left he packed it with his stuff because “it’s a photo of MY mom”. To which I asked how come my siblings all had copies and didn’t his mom have curly hair when the young girl in the photo had straight hair. He also wanted to take a photo of my paternal grandfather (the only one we have) in uniform taken during WWI. It was about 100 years old at the time and printed on solid card, not paper. He knew it was my granddad (it had his name and medals listed on the back) but he was going to take it! I think he knew he was dicing with death when he tried to pull that stunt. But seriously? What sentimental value could it have had for him? None, of course, he just wanted to hurt me!

  • UKChump–document, document, document. Go take a picture of the empty place in the garage where the Christmas trees were. Take a picture of your current tree from all angles (cheater is quite likely to damage it); document when he takes your daughter to OWhore’s house. Send everything to a secure location (OneDrive, through at least 2 email accounts). A better settlement may be in your stocking.

    Whatever cheater does, keep rocking that grey rock, for two reasons: 1-once cheater sees your new tree, he will know you have won this battle. An abuser will then ratchet up the abuse because he/she cannot stand to lose. They will eventually become dangerous.

  • Gaslight the shit out of him. ‘This is the tree I always use. I had two other trees but they’re back ups, this is the long standing favourite’

  • My cheater never helped decorate when we were together. I had a thing for buying each of us ornaments when we went on vacation. After he left, I boxed up his ornaments and included them with the PILE of his stuff in the garage for him to pick up. Months later he started texting me about wanting his Christmas ornaments. When I told him he took them, he started raging at me about how i was keeping them from him or threw them out.

    I couldn’t help but laugh. What was he planning on doing anyways? Hang them on his new tree with OW? Memories of all our trips together? That is messed up.

    UKChump, your ex is messed up, too. Anyone who would steal the trees is solely out to hurt you and he cares not for his own daughter who will get hurt, too. He can’t steal the trees and try to steal your Christmas without stealing it from her, too. He is NOT a good person.

  • Ah, Christmas. It’s the most wonderful time of the year to indulge in your own entitlement.

    For years, we did Christmas with my ex-whore-fucker-husband’s inbred family about 6 hours away from our home. My husband hated flying. I hated long boring road trips, so for about 5 years, we worked out a compromise where he would get up in the morning, start driving north, and I would hop on a plane about 3 hours later and meet him at his mom’s house.

    The last year, I decided at the last minute not to fly, but to join him for the road trip. We got up early christmas morning, and he was grouchy (grinchy?) the whole trip. I remember thinking what a drag it was that he had to pick a fight with me within the first 5 minutes of the drive for no reason.

    D-Day hit 3 months after Christmas. Part of the evidence I found of his whore-fucking was an email back and forth with a whore who lived about midway between our house and his mom’s. They had made plans to meet up for an early-morning-baby-jesus-birthday-fuckfest while he was driving to mom’s. Apparently, my last minute choice to join him though the snow to grandmother’s house cock blocked him that day…

    Now, four Christmases later, I’m living across the country, single, but with my new puppy. This may not be the MOST festive Christmas I ever had, but I’ll tell you what…. ANY Christmas is better than one where your husband is meeting with a holly jolly cum dumpster before you hand him his gift and pretend to enjoy time with his inbred family.

    Moral for you, UK Chump, no matter what your future Christmases hold, it will be better than this. Hang on tight.

    • Baby-jesus-fuck-fest – this is funny the way you out it. Do they lack self-awareness of any kind of self-dignity that this type of behavior (i.e. baby-jesus-fuck-fest before spending Christmas with your wife) is crass and disrespectful in a very deep way?

      • Well, clearly not. He was fucking whores mostly during his lunch breaks for years, so I don’t think any kind of disrespect for his wife figured into his actions in any way. Merry Christmas.

      • They don’t care..period. I was always slightly amazed/aghast/jealous at the lack of guilt that Dickhead felt. I lived by guilt (lack of boundaries) and was slightly jealous that he just let things roll off his back. The reverse though is that things that should have bothered him, didn’t. They don’t care about respect for us. It’s about their entitlement and their happiness.

  • So others have done a pretty good job of expressing that your STBX sucks and that you are mighty and handled this situation admirably.

    The thing I am trying to wrap my brain around is why he gets to whisk daughter off to Slut’s house on weekends if he officially lives at your house. Do you have some kind of custody agreement that allows this while you are still working out the financials? If you live in the same house, then why would you need a custody agreement when he can just see her at home? Do you have the right to take her away to other people’s houses for the weekend when it is “your” time? If it is not a legal agreement, could you just happen to take her somewhere at the time he would normally plan to take her to OW’s place? Let him come home and discover that daughter isn’t there? It just seems odd to have a legally binding custody agreement that allows him to bring her around OW but without at least a temporary support order and while still living in the same abode.

    • I can’t answer these questions for the writer, but I had a similar arrangement (in-house separation and custody). We established a custody schedule like the one we intended to have when he (fucking eventually!) moved out. We agreed that the “on parent” would be in charge of total care for our daughter during their time and the other parent would just try and be scarce. It was a way to start slowly adjusting her to this idea that we’ll be splitting her care moving forward. It was a legally binding agreement that we signed for this temporary measure. I insisted on that because I worried about my ex doing something stupid (like the writer’s ex) so I wanted something I could bring to a judge if need be. It wasn’t a perfect arrangement but it did bridge the gap and I think made it easier for my daughter when he eventually moved out.

      BUT, I would not have agreed to weekends at an OW’s house. However, I’m not sure there’s even a legal way to prevent it. In my state at least I was told that courts are reluctant to enforce any orders limiting a a parent’s ability to pursue another relationship and that all the fancy contract language in the world may not be able to stop your ex from dragging your kids around from one woman’s house to another…as long as there’s no abuse. Crazy as that seems.

    • I guess what I’m saying is that the writer may get in way more trouble for taking their daughter on her ex’s time to avoid her exposure to the OW then ex would get from dragging that poor kid to the OW’s house. It’s just another shit sandwich us chumps get to eat. As my attorney pointed out–there are no laws that stop someone from being an asshole, only laws to stop that asshole from causing harm. And courts just don’t see exposure to an affair partner as “harm.” Although, that would be a great law to see on the books!

    • Hey @chumpinrecovery Unfortunately in the uk there’s nothing I can legally enforce with what he does with his child during his time with her. He has parental responsibility and the law only steps in on that if there is some sort of major welfare concern. It’s a shitty judgement call with his shitty morals but since dd is in no threat of harm then he can do this kind of fucked up shit. If I step in amd reduce his time with her then I’m the bad parent.

      I hope my dd doesn’t remember this bit of her life when she’s older. She deserves better.

  • He sounds extremely douchey! I know what it’s like to have to wait for the right time financially to leave. It sucks. I hope it comes soon for you. You need to get away from this guy ASAP. I can’t believe he spends every weekend at his GF’s place. Talk about disrespectful!

  • This one takes the cake (or tree). I say rent yourself a storage unit or a friend’s garage and start moving stuff that you treasure. Later if the court says it is his fine give it to him but it is harder to retrieve it from him than for you to hand it over later.

    One day this will be a bad dream and you’ll breathe again in your own sanctuary (home).

    • “One day this will be a bad dream and you’ll breathe again in your own sanctuary (home).”

      One of the very first things I bought after moving out of marital home and into my own apartment was a small wooden sign reading, “Relax, You’re Home.” I put it up over my bedroom doorway to remind me that I was finally free.

      It’s been several years since then, and I’m remarried to a decent man now, but I still have that sign and it’s still in my bedroom.

  • I’ve told this story here a couple times but this seems like a good day to revisit.
    I live in S. Florida, and after my settlement was signed(which he signed, not under duress) I got a ton of stuff….he got freedom to move on with the ow which I thought was the goal since she was pushing him to sign anything to be done.
    Needless to say he was salty about it. I don’t know why he was mad at me, it was the ow holding the gun to his head to get it done…..whatever.
    He packed a few personal things from the shed and do you know that fucker stoke the nuts that hold on the hurricane shutters to my house???
    It’s kinda something you don’t notice until there’s a cat 4 hurricane and you are in the cone. By the time you realize they are gone, you can’t buy any because every store is wiped out.
    That was an ah-ha moment for me about the sociopath I martied.He knew by the time I figured it out I couldn’t get them and it would be too late to leave.
    I live in this house with your kids, fucker.
    I hope I never see him again.

    • Brings new meaning to screwing you over. What an odious excuse for a human being; glad you’re free of him (and I hope the next FL hurricane swoops him up).

    • What an apppalling asshole.

      I am so glad you got through that storm okay.

      At least you can recall his actions if ever you get the tiniest bit doubtful or sympathetic to him. You can know that you are 100% lucky and right to be clear of such a vile person.

  • Dear UKchump,

    You really handled this well! Good for you.

    I did the living together thing too for awhile – blech. I do understand the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling. These people can be nasty. You finally get your head around the idea that this person isn’t and probably never was a true friend, and even worse, you know you are now seen as “the enemy.” YOU did nothing wrong, but they always deflect responsibility and try to make you absorb guilt for any and all uncomfortable situations.

    Grey rock is the best defense! Keep it up.

    And I agree with the storage locker idea (did that myself) but if you can’t afford it, could you maybe move some things you don’t want stolen over to your mother’s place?

    Sadly, it’s best to count on a lying cheater to do something despicable and be as prepared as you can. Anything you don’t want stolen or wrecked is best moved out. He has shown you who he is.

  • ‘‘Twas three weeks before Christmas and we needed a tree,
    So I went to the garage and up in the attic to see,
    And to my shock and dismay, I did not find a tree,
    But an empty tree box and a lonesome flea.

    Off to the store my daughter and I went
    And all the money I didn’t have, I still fucking spent.

    But in the name of Christmas our holiday I did save,
    Despite those fucktards that are so goddamn depraved.

    And we still opened our presents on that special day,
    And thanks to Grey Rock, I was still mostly sane I must say.

    Thank you CN for your generous offers of money,
    So I can show cheater and his ugly slutty trashy new honey,
    That their BS doesn’t bother me, in fact, it’s quite funny!

  • If he brings the tree back to store it back at your home, maybe you might want to spray something smelly on it, old perfume maybe that smells yucky, that way when he and his OW open it up next year..it will be lovely smelling by then. Lol.

    My cheater idiot stole some of my charms that my kids gave me for birthdays. Cheaters are so classy!

    • Like why? What did he want to do with your charms? Weird to re-gift those? I don’t know – bad enough to cheat but then all the other shit is just weird and to me unexplainable. I tried to understand and I think that they completely de-humanize the spouse. And also have a pent up hostility. Or may be they are angry that they did such a shitty thing (cheating) that they take out the anger on the innocent person (she/he made me do it?). I have a tendency to try and understand psychology but not sure if it helps any.

  • If he brings the tree back, maybe leave it outside for animals to urinate on.

    My cheater ex is a klepto. I can’t believe how petty they are.

  • I’m moving pass the grinch metaphors, OK maybe one last pot shot: awe, the irony of an ugly sociopath ruining everybody’s holiday, with his dog enabling him, is just lost on the poor lamb.

    I’m at the point we gotta herald Charles Dickens. Remember the beginning of a Christmas Carol? Ebenezer Scrooge was a right bastard, and used the holidays as an excuse to be more horrid to innocent people. He and Jacob Marley used societal enabling it to exploit the poor, destroy relationships, and make life, overall, terrible and miserable for all. The only thing they cared about was utilizing money to feel superior; sound familiar? Cheaters are Scrooge, except ours take it to the next level by using Jacob Marley’s chains for auto erotic asphyxiation, hitting on the young Ghost of Christmas Past, selfishly binge drinking and partying with the Ghost of Christmas Present, and pulling sad sausage routine to the Ghost of Christmas Future. Your X is already working on his own fall because he knows he will “wear the chains [he] forged in life. [He] made it link by link, and yard by yard; [he] girded it on of [his] own free will, and of [his ] own free will…”

    This Christmas you were nephew Fred, brilliantly! When your Scrooge tried to boil you in your own pudding, or run a steak of holy through your heart for trying to get in the Christmas spirit, you thought better and did it anyway: “I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!”

    Also, I think this should be playing every time your ex shadows your door. It’s not odd, you just keep the spirit of Christmas all year round!

    https://youtu.be/WRBUwS_Sp0k

    • Yes! Scrooge is an excellent and more British reference for @UKChump. Darker too than the Grinch; though Dickens was writing in Victorian times.

      • OutFromTheShadows, I know. Even with the increased risk of consumption, I yearn for a simplistic time. People in the Victorian Era didn’t give Jack the Ripper access to Match.com.

        • Agreed again! The Internet age has allowed our cheaters more access to more schmoopies than they can imagine (though in my case it also allowed me to catch STBxW).

          But actually for @UKChump, better she’s in C21, as in Victorian times her cheating H would most likely have just turfed her out (and probably DD too) and just sent them to the poor house while moving OW in.

          • Her cheater husbands would have taken away her daughter (because she’d have had no rights to her own children) and left her to die of starvation in the gutter (because she wouldn’t have been able to support herself) while him infecting child prostitutes (10 of thousands in London at that time) with syphilis.

  • Man, that guys a dick! I agree that keeping things as stable and predictable for kids caught in this mess is paramount. Sorry to hear about your troubles. Really resonated with me–your fear of retribution. It’s such a learned response after years and years of emotional abuse, and I know it well. I also did in in-house separation, and it was one of the worst times in my life. But it will end, and things will get so much better. I’m a year+ from being in that world and yet I still have those lingering fears about his reactions, etc. I just sent an email trying to coordinate our Xmas custody schedule…with trepidation because who knows what nasty response I’ll get back. I hate that I still feel that way, but it’s much improved over what it was.

    Good for you for proceeding anyways. The only way to eliminate the fear is to look it in the eye and march right into it. After a while you’ll realize that it’s all just bluster from a jackass and will one day wonder what in the heck you were ever afraid of!

  • I’m so glad this story made it to the main board. We discussed it on the forums over the weekend and I’m still gobsmacked at the cruelty, the entitlement, the nerve of him.

    But what CL said is genius: “You take that £110 and add it to your financial settlement. Line item that shit. He can explain his pre-emptive division of assets to his lawyer.” That goes for the sky card for the TV that disappeared and everything else he “liberates” to take to OW’s house. Make him pay.

    “Hate” may not be a strong enough word for this guy.

    • Not sure she can do that in the UK @LovedAJackass but I sincerely hope so

      What got me from that forum discussion was him changing the WiFi passwords to leave @UKChump with her DD who now couldn’t watch her favourite movies/etc. — I mean we all get that our cheaters follow the same manual of selfishness but that, as you mentioned, is just cruelty as it makes no sense at all — gobsmacked indeed

      What @NotANiceChump wrote above is also true — after years of being belittled & emotionally abused, it will take a while to break free — I remember @UKChump mentioned being just 6 months in — and with time things will indeed be much, much better

      Karma will come a-calling on him one day

  • My son’s had the worst Christmas surprise of all from their dad. He was too lazy to even steal Christmas decorations, or know where they were stored, so I missed out on that black drama, but every year we would take a vacation between Christmas and New Years. Usually someplace warm. So post divorce, this was one of the weeks he took with the boys as his. Fine — they still got a vacation, and I could get the house settled after Christmas.

    Anyway, his dad always gave money for Christmas. He presented the money to the boys, so they knew what they had to spend. Butt, when they asked their dad for their money to go shopping at the mall, he told them all their money went to pay for the motel at the beach. Strange though, he had enough money to buy new girlfriend jewelry. My boys said nothing, but later, at the mall, they saw the jewelry store, and girlfriends jewelry cost the exact amount grandfather had provided for their Christmas gift. They never were told about paying for the room, either (they were young teens) until they were already in the room. My son’s figured it out, and told me about it. I was disgusted. I made sure grandfather found out, and in the future he sent the boys money to me, and my sons always wrote thank you notes to tell grandfather what they had purchased and how much they appreciated his Christmas gift to them.

    When you think you have found the bottom of depravity and selfishness in these dysfunctional freaks, look again. There is no bottom. They try to present an image of holiday cheer, but they even use someone else’s horse to produce turds, and someone else’s glitter to put on the turds. They only think of themselves. My son’s didn’t have to be told what a shit their dad was. They saw it with their own eyes, and figured it out all by themselves. It may not be a merry Christmas story, but it is the truth. Some times that truth just won’t glitter and shine bright.

    • Absolutely loathsome. There truly is nothing too depraved for these subhumans, and no rock bottom in their descent through scum.

  • Good job UKCump. Let that tree be a symbol of your new found willingness to stand up for yourself. Because once you begin doing that it only gets easier. Believe me I know. It took me a long time and a lot of practice to stand up to my ex and not let him intimidate me. But I don’t take any BS from him anymore.

    Make sure your tree and the decorations can be stored at a friend’s house until you separate. I would also suggest that since he took two trees from your house, you check all of the other things you value and store them somewhere else as well. This might be the year that the sentimental ornaments stay packed away for fear that he will take them from the tree. Just be cautious and enjoy as best you can. I can almost guarantee that this time next year you and your daughter will be in a better place.

  • Narcs have an excellent talent for ruining holidays. This is a story about my kids bio dad who I will call X. He was extra special at making sure this “god damn hallmark cash grab of a holiday” was always ruined.

    -he refused to put up an xmas tree or allow me to buy one since he claimed it was a waste of money, he wanted me to decorate his orange tree. The first year before kids, I thought it was cute. After kids, I was allowed a 1 foot high tree that sat on a desk, and not so cute anymore…

    -he never bought presents, still doesn’t.

    -he knew I liked to make home made presents, he never offered to help but enjoyed being a grump on the couch with his beer watching tv while I listened to xmas music and crafted away, then complained about dinner or the kids or whatever he could, just to wreck it.

    -he complained about the gifts my family would give him. My family hated him. They hated how he treated the kids and I. One year, my mom bought him socks and a gift card. He opened the socks first and said “whatever,” and threw them under his chair. Then opened his gift card. Put it in his pocket. Returned to drinking and staring stonily at the wall for the rest of the night.

    -the year our son was a newborn. He was 4 days old, and X decided to go hunting with a buddy that morning, and meet me later at my dads for xmas dinner. Because. We need MEAT for the freezer. I had to finish my baking, wrap all the presents and load the car, all the while 4 days post partum, while breastfeeding my little eating machine, and drive both kids and myself to my dads 30 minutes out of town.

    -when it was time to leave family gatherings, he would run out to the car to “warm it up” and then remain in the car, honking, while I bundled a newborn, a 4 year old and made numerous trips back and forth to the car, knowing all the while, I would receive a lecture for taking “too long”. And if family tried to help, god forbide.

    But the very best, was when, after I left him and years later we were going to court for custody and support.
    My family celebrates on the 24th. I always work the 25th and he gets the kids.
    He was fighting me tooth and nail to get the kids on 24th AFTER my family celebration was over. He lives 2 hours away. I flat out refused. He doesn’t even celebrate xmas or like it, or even put up a tree.

    I am stuck in a room with him and our lawyers battling over this topic, MEANWHILE, his girlfriend and my mother are sitting in the waiting room, and his gf starts crying to my mother that she is so hungry because he wouldn’t let her leave the courthouse during lunch and get something to eat and her blood sugar is low. My mom responds “well, maybe if you guys were nicer, we all could have went out together…”

    gf: “ChumpedInCanada is so mean…. she is changing everything and we want the kids for xmas!”

    My mom: “You know ChumpedInCanada is the MOTHER, right? You are JUST the GIRLFRIEND.”

    GF: “But my mom died last year and I want to start new traditions with the kids….”

    My mom: “Well, my Dad died yesterday and here we are. They aren’t YOUR kids. And if you think X is going to get a tree and celebrate xmas, then you are sorely mistaken…and another thing, I don’t know what X has told you about his parenting, but ChumpedInCanada has done everything for these kids, and X has been unemployed, not paying support for over a year, and ChumpedInCanada has still made it work. He has fought her on everything, and never takes the kids. Ever….So, if you think he’s going to treat you any different, think again.”

    Gf: Weakly, “well, that’s not what he told me….”

    Conclusion: X got to pickup kids xmas eve, but late – 10pm, and he had to drive 4 hours total in a snowstorm. The kids asked a few days later if they could bring home their xmas tree from their Dads, I was puzzled, but they insisted. When they arrived, they pulled out a 2 foot tall Bristol board cutout of a green xmas tree that was decorated….with stickers. Because Daddy won’t let gf put up a REAL tree, so this was all she got.

    My mother and I howled with laughter. Oh yeah. He’s gonna be different, all right.

    • I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I will never under, nor do I want, people who don’t think about others or even care if their loved ones (children included) are happy and loved I see families of Dickhead’s that go to Disney, or skiing in Colorado, or having a good time on the beaches of South Carolina. Yet, in 19 years with him, we had one family vacation (and it was nice one to CO, WY, and SD), and he had at least 11 out-of-state hunts. I was jealous of fathers who actually wanted to spend time with their wives and children. What a concept!

      On Facebook, I once responsed to one of DH’s cousin’s vacation with his wife and teenagers. They have been to Siesta Key, one of my favorite places. The cousin replied back with “maybe you can go to Florida instead of DH going on a hunt. It was apparent to everyone else that DH was selfish, even with this own kids.

  • Oh my days!!!

    I wish I could respond to every single one of your posts and thank you for your words and support!!

    I’m so sorry that so many of you have been in this same boat. There’s animals, no other explanation. They’ve not evolved enough to understand compassion, empathy or understanding.

    Can’t believe how many of you are born writers! The rhymes, poems, limericks have had me giggling no end. If you don’t laugh you’ll cry right 🤷🏼‍♀️

    Those who have called this act mighty, I suppose it kind of is. But I wouldn’t have been able to think this way if I hadn’t have found CL CN so early on in this mess. It opened my eyes, changed my thinking and has provided me with clarity these last hellish months.

    Soon as I’m on the other side of this shit storm and have some money that doesn’t consist of an overdraft because someone needs to provide for dd (oh yes Mr Perfect-Six figure salary doesn’t pay me a penny surprise surprise) I’ll be signing up to CN as a patron because it needs to keep going.

    You’re all lifesavers. I really mean that x

    • “If you don’t laugh you’ll cry right”

      …as Mark Twain said and many have paraphrased — “Humour is tragedy plus time”

  • UK chump

    Love that you bought a tree! I’d suggest putting all valuables in s safety deposit box; include all documents.

    If you are threatened in any way call the authorities immediately. Have the asshole removed. I’m hoping you have an attorney.

    What a prized asshole the OW won.

  • Hugs to you U.K. chump, well done for your resilience. I’m in U.K. too, I had a year of sharing the house, their entitlement is monstrous. It will get better, and you are doing just great.

  • ‘Twas the night before Christmas
    And all through the night
    The cheater was boning
    Some whore, not his wife

    The family, unknowing
    That Dad was a dick
    Trusted and loved him
    Through thin and through thick

    Then what to their wondering eyes should appear
    Drunk dad at the door with a big lipstick smear!
    His nose was all red
    His breath reeked of gin
    His pants half done up
    And a stupid-ass grin

    “You bastard! You drunkard!
    Don’t you come near!”
    His wife cried out in rage
    As the truth became clear
    With a powerful shove, sent him reeling about
    Towards the front door, and then he was out

    She slammed it and locked it
    Then grabbed her phone up
    Had a lawyer on speed-dial
    And a juicy post-nup
    Their Christmas was saved
    And she shouted “Hooray!
    I’m keeping the house
    And the 401K!”

    Wishing you happier holidays UKChump, and everyone else.

  • Chin up UKChump. You got a cunt on your hands there but at least he hasn’t gone all Chris Watts on you.
    Keep your distance and know that it sucks to be him.

  • You know it’s too funny I really can’t make this stuff up but tonight I quote I got a text that read “ hey are you going to use all the Christmas ornaments this year? “ This will be our second Christmas without Mr. McCheaterpants and I’m just gray rockin that question my DD and I were just incredulous could not even imagine that he would ask such a strange question I guess him and his new sparkle Twatt are in need of ornaments ……Buddy like you are getting any of ours LOL Sounds like he’s looking for the ghost of Christmas past. I am Just counting down till Friday divorce will be finalized on Friday got to love Friday’s 😂

  • UK Chump,
    You are doing great! Sorry that you live with the Grinch!

    My adulterous, abusive ex left four months after D-Day #1 (moved across the street). He stole a bunch of our young children’s stuffed animals–although I would have given him the stuffed animals to keep our children company when they were not with me. (Our children informed me that they saw their father sneak the toys out of our home. I don’t think they have ever completed trusted their father since (over four years ago), often telling me that they think that their father lies to them and also telling me that their father beat them while he and I were married and I was at my office/lab).
    I am glad now that my ex stole the toys as it was just one more incident that I needed to remind myself that living with him was NOT an option–these types of acts also killed any loving feeling I had for ex–a good thing.

    I have never bought a tree for my home since my ex left four years ago as I am trying to save money for kids’ necessities. I am ok with this lack, though, because virtually every Christmas I have gotten my kids. My then husband tried to get the Court to issue a restraining order against me when he filed four years ago so that I could not get within a hundred feet of our kids although, he, not I, was abusing our kids. Years later, although I have 85% custody due to his work schedule, he forgoes Christmas with our kids to jet off to exotic locales around the world with one of the girlfriends/boyfriends of the moment. Currently, he has only two girlfriends and is taking the lucky winner to Europe on her winter break (she is a school administrator). He can afford it on his quarter million dollar income. Ironic, considering he tries to get out of paying for childcare while I work full-time, year-round. I think that he has hundreds of sexual partners (he brags to me about this). I often wonder what our kids will think about relationships–their father a promiscuous ‘rock star’ and their mother, a person who since husband left has had only one partner, an old (what she thought was a) friend of thirty years who she really wanted to marry, sadly now off with his much younger work subordinate. I hope that my kids will have healthy relationships in spite of all they have been through and witnessed.

  • While I was away at my mother’s funeral, he sold my things out of my house. Washer and drier, bed, Refrigerator, sofa, etc. Threw my tree and decorations in the trash.

  • Ummmm so weird, I’m a little freaked out. It’s like my life, on the other side of the pond.
    Also discovered OW during Christmas last year.
    Did 9 months in house separation because he wouldnt move out.

    Where our stories are different: he finally moved out 2 months ago.

    Similarities: he took the Christmas tree and decorations. Because it was “so important ” to him.

    Wow. So cheaters wrecking Christmas and stealing trees and refusing to move out … I feel like I have a soul sister in the UK.

    good for you for buying a new tree. Just think how much happier you will be by next Christmas. So much happier!

  • Merry Christmas to you and your daughter UKChump! This, too, shall pass and you and your girl will have many lovely holidays to look forward to.

  • Fortunately, UKChump, it will all be over soon. You sound like you’re doing your best to make it a holly-jolly-Christmas, good on ya, mate!!!

    My DS and his then gf bought me an 8′ tree last year. My DS’s and DD decorated it last Sunday and had a nice dinner together.

    DDs Autistic and she has a tendency to take apart things, which usually means destroyed as she can’t put them back together. This year’s tree is covered with Dollar Tree ornaments, a homemade wreath bow I made at the top, white lights (The Evil One loved multicolor), and whatever old ornaments that have survived over the years. DD has rearranged the ornaments each night this week anyway, so it’s all good.
    TEO and I didn’t have very many special ornaments. The ones we did have I burned the first Christmas he was gone or threw out to Goodwill.

    Before him, I would take my sons to the Hallmark store every year to pick their “special” ornament. TEO nixed that the second or third year saying we couldn’t afford it…bastard.

    Years ago, I gave the boys their “special” ornaments for their dad’s house tree. They have no idea where they are now. Sad.
    This year, I’ll start new collections. Right now I’m just happy to have my peace and stillness.

    Oh, and as far as TEO wanting any of the Christmas stuff, he asked only for the gold and purple Dollar Tree ornaments balls he’d bought the year before. No idea why he wanted them, don’t care, I wasn’t going to use them. The collectible Barbie ornaments his parents sent every year for DD? Nope. He didn’t ask, so I burned them up too. DD never liked Barbie either, and I couldn’t sell them because I didn’t have their packaging.
    Oh well.
    A few more weeks, Chumps!
    We got this, let’s make it Merry!!!

    • Oh dear UnsinkableMollyX it is quite symbolic really him wanting balls & dollars! Maybe your ex should grow a pair? Unbelievable these cheaters nicking trees and decorations Well as most of us know in the Grinch srory there is a strong thread in the story about Christmas being more about our spirit than material things …thing is it doesn’t matter what is under the (stolen) tree or any other tree what matters is what or who is around it.

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