The Cheater Who Stole Christmas

Dear Chump Lady,

So I’m 11 months out, but living the hell of in-house separation. (I can’t afford to go until I have a financial settlement, he won’t go… entitlement, enough said). Awaiting court date in February.

Anyway, I always put the Christmas decorations up on or around the first of December. It’s his weekend with our daughter this one, so I thought I’d do it Thursday to see her face before she went off for the weekend. (The creep always takes our daughter to OW’s on his weekend — whole different story of fuckedupness, don’t get me started…).

So, I go into the garage Thursday morning… both Christmas trees gone! The guy that never gave a shit about Christmas, or how excited I get for it, literally turned into the Grinch that stole Christmas.

I cried for 5 minutes, rang my mum, and then my friend, dropped my daughter off at school, and gathered my thoughts. He’s been desperately trying to engage me in arguments for months. He stoops to all sorts of levels to get a rise out of me. (I’m strict grey rock and he hates it.) The lies, manipulation, gaslighting, plain nastiness, and now parental alienation of my daughter is happening. But this… I honestly couldn’t believe it. I knew he wanted me to lose my shit.

Instead of losing my shit with him, I drove all over my city for 3 hours (time I didn’t have to spare) and eventually spent £110 (money I definitely didn’t have to spare either) on a tree. I was adamant my little girl was getting her Christmas tree up like normal if it killed me. I put it up, enjoyed decorating it and the stress was so worth it when she came in after school and saw it.

I know there’ll be some repercussions/revenge from him. He hates looking like a fool or when I stand up for myself. So I admit I’m scared of what he’ll do next. But it was a small win for now that I wanted to share with you all here because at times only you guys no how hard and painful this shit is.

I can’t wait for this to be over.

UKchump

Dear UKchump,

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

… What if Christmas means … fucking your whore!

(This line contributed by Mr. Chump Lady, who suggests the proper response to this column is to write all comments in Dr. Seuss verse.)

So, let me get this straight — you’re still living with the Grinch? But he feels entitled to help himself to the Christmas decor? And spends his weekends with the OW? With your child?

What a loathsome blister on Satan’s ass this guy is. Merry Christmas OW! Giftwrap that motherfucker with a bow and leave him under the tree. Trees.

Nothing says holiday romance like, “I stole my wife’s Christmas decor, just for you, Schmoopie.” Think of the Hallmark specials.

I’m Dreaming of Recycled Christmas.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like… Small Claims Court

Silver Bells (I Stole From a Child)

I mean, SHE WON THIS DREAMBOAT! Yahoo-dor-RAY.

I know there’ll be some repercussions/revenge from him.

What? Because you REPLACED A STOLEN CHRISTMAS TREE? Trees? How dare you be resilient? Cheating and stealing wasn’t punishment enough? What exactly is he avenging? The unwarranted tinsel purchases? Making your daughter happy? That fresh pine scent?

He hates looking like a fool or when I stand up for myself. So I admit I’m scared of what he’ll do next.

He should be scared of what YOU do next. Don’t let this idiot intimidate you. You’re doing EXACTLY the right thing — he wants your pain, your pick me dance, and you’re giving him nothing. You take that £110 and add it to your financial settlement. Line item that shit. He can explain his pre-emptive division of assets to his lawyer.

Meanwhile, you enjoy a very merry holiday season. Soon you’ll be free of a fuckwit, and that’s the greatest gift of all.

****

Narrator: And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say – that the Grinch’s settlement grew three sizes that day. And then – the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found new victims, plus two!

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Mustard Seed
Mustard Seed
5 years ago

Dr. Seuss was a cheater who cheated on his long term wife while she had terminal cancer. She was so devastated that she committed suicide. He was an awful, awful man.

Mustard Seed
Mustard Seed
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Ah, there I go again, opening my big mouth when I should have stayed quiet. My apologies. Good job to UK Chump for handling that Christmas tree problem and moving forward so smartly.

srfrgrl
srfrgrl
5 years ago
Reply to  Mustard Seed

Mustard Seed.
You made a valid point. No crime committed. Don’t allow some needless reprimand to stifle you from sharing knowledge. ????

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“What a loathsome blister on Satan’s ass this guy is.” Spit out my tea. I actually had a visual with that one. Had to close one eye.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
5 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

CL and Mr CL certainly have a knack for a swell turned phrase, haven’t they??

For a good time chump me
For a good time chump me
5 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

They certainly do!

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
5 years ago

Whenever I think we’ve heard it all, someone’s cheater manages to top it. The sheer pettiness of ukchump’s wasband in taking the trees without saying a word and just waiting for her to discover it boggles my mind. Hang in there; you are obviously a mighty mama doing your best for your girl.

ChumpedinCanada
ChumpedinCanada
5 years ago
Reply to  DrFormerChump

DrFormerChump,

My kids bio dad, I will call X, once unscrewed the electrical cord off the back of our dryer, because it was summer, and dammit, I was to hang the clothes on the line. I honestly, didn’t even know those things unscrewed. I had a baby in cloth diapers, and it was a particularly rainy summer. But he was such a cheap prick, he didn’t want an increase in the electrical bill.

I was livid and found the cord and screwed it back on. But for many days I stewed about how I wanted to play this out. He was particularly fond of his BBQ. So I envisioned unscrewing the propane hose and mysteriously throwing it in the bush. But he was dumb, and he might have blown us to kingdom come, so I resisted the urge.

When he discovered I screwed it back on, he unscrewed it, locked it up in his safe, and then put a padlock on the electrical box, and would only allow power to the laundry room when he was home and could lock and unlock the box.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
5 years ago

Say nothing, but discretely take your laundry to a laundromat. He can rewear his nasty stinky crap clothes till the bugs eat it off of him.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

Wow Canada! After that story, I almost miss sparkledick!

Jojobee
Jojobee
5 years ago

In the days before cell phones, my first cheater took the phone off the wall and took it to work with him. When I asked why the hell he did that he replied, “I had to. The other day when I took your car keys so you couldn’t run all over town, you called your sister to come pick you up.” Oh well, now that you explain it–that makes perfect sense. I thought he had taken my key ring by mistake.
Nope. These assholes know no limits.

HomeBound
HomeBound
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Mine took the distributor out of the engine. Until I learned how to buy an extra and put it in my goddamned self.

Here’s the thing. There is no reason to live like that in the first place. Anybody who would do that shit….deserves to be kicked to the curb post haste.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  HomeBound

This is so christmas spirity!! My x fucktard loser reformed spender (now its not money he can control) walked out before christmas…. thought he was special by paying the mortgage for wife and 3 kids then tried to cut the water off because he was still legally required to pay it !! Being in Australia at christmas means water is fairly crucial. Still he didnt give a rats . Happy Christmas! !

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
5 years ago
Reply to  HomeBound

Wow! I guess this sort of ‘stupid’ is just another thing they all do…..

Thirty years ago, when cable was the big thing, cheaterpants (who is still a TV addict) took cable box to work with him.

Why? So 3-yr old child and I would not waste our day watching TV (NOTE: Child & I watched maybe 30 minutes to 120 minutes of TV per day {Sesame Street / Mr Rogers / noon news / that sort of stuff} while cheater worked & we had NEVER wasted a day watching TV! Reading, maybe. Or visiting friends, or going to the park or cleaning the house / doing laundry/ working in the garden—-I hate TV to this day! Still do not own one! Now-grown Child owns TV but rarely watches)

However, the minute cheaterpants got home from work, he plugged in that box, flipped on the TV and watched until bedtime. Yeppers…..At least 5 hours each evening, but he had to make sure we did not waste our day doing the same. BARF!!

Wowser! Another one for ‘The Cheater Playbook’!

Love My ChumpNation!!!

Outoftheblue
Outoftheblue
5 years ago

Tight as a gnat’s star, hope he starves to death cos he’s art mean to buy food

Elsa
Elsa
5 years ago

UK chump enjoy your time!!!
Chumplady is right- DO NOT LET HIM intimidate you…. sure, you lost the tree and decor but you still can:
– bake and decorate gingerbread cookies with your child
– listen to the nice Christmas songs and lit some scented candle
– create new tradition with your child- watching Christmas decorations, doing a movie ???? watching marathon with ???? and Christmas drinks ( hot cocoa)
– write letter to Santa
– collect some toys and donate to the kids in need
– do some home spa ( it’s so inexpensive and kids love it, especially when u use stuff you already have at home)
– write a story book with her or for her
Etc.

In general- enjoy. You have your daughter, it can be lovely no matter what

Sue
Sue
5 years ago

Stay strong UK Chump! You’re doing everything right! Hang in there and you WILL get through this! x

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
5 years ago
Reply to  Sue

Agree with Sue, UK.

I had a similar experience. STBX refused to leave our home even though he had bimbo’s place and two houses left to him by his parents to move into at his leisure. Why wouldn’t he leave? Because it was his “property.” Mean old me discovered my spine and didn’t jump at his offer to give me money out of our assets to move to a condo that would be for me and our three kids.

What ensued was 11 months of living hell for me and our kids. He would show up after the kids and I had dinner, talk at them for five minutes, then spend the night in his mancave texting his skank and watching Bonanza reruns. He spent his weekends at his parent’s house on Cape Cod, throwing parties to introduce his new girlfriend to his friends. He would return Monday night.

When I finally got a court order to get him out, he thought the December 1st date was just a suggestion. It took him nine more days before he finally left – but not before trashing our basement and leaving it so ruined that I needed to rent a dumpster to remove the debris.

Then for another couple of weeks, he helped himself to things he “forgot” to take with him, including our family photos and lawnmower (in December). Once I caught him, I filed a no trespassing order with the local police. But that didn’t stop him from having our sons take things to him at his new house; the one he spent cash on and had renovated with a wet bar before he and his skank moved in.

Telling your sons why taking things from our home to Dad was stealing by proxy was a fun conversation. [Insert eye roll emoji here]

My best advice is to do exactly what you did. Replace the old shit with his cheating, selfish stink on it with things that will help you and your daughter make new, nicer memories. You deserve happiness. Your STBX with his two-sizes-too-small dead heart and his bimbo deserve used holiday decorations.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

Even if only to spite you, at least he wanted your family pictures.

Sparkledick did not ask for any. What is he thinking?

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Only the ones with himself in them. He left all the photos of the kids.

Bzymummy
Bzymummy
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

My ex not only did not want any pictures of our kids, my son had a picture of his great grandfather that he was named after on his dresser, the asshole asked for that back in our separation agreement. So glad to be done with that loser.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Bzymummy

I’m still waiting for fuckwit to take the old dark painting of his great grandfather.

Shechump
Shechump
5 years ago
Reply to  Bzymummy

ClearWaters/Bzymummy – I’ve always wondered what’s with that. Not taking one momento, one picture, one photo album. Nothing. Like he just wanted to wipe out 36 yrs of memories?

What kind of fuck-for-brains does that?

brit
brit
5 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Mine also left without taking any pictures of our 24-25 years together. He only asked for photos of his nieces and nephews (his sisters children).
Didn’t ask for one picture of our son, his birth, family vacations, Christmas’s, birthday celebrations, milestones. I expected him to ask me for copies.
What kind of person walks away from 25 years together, sharing an entire lifetime of memories as if it never existed? Who doesn’t treasure pictures of their children’s birth, fist days, years?
I believed all our years together, memories gave our relationship depth, a special bond that no one else shared, to be respected and honored. Apparently I was the only one in the relationship that felt that way.

Cheater did ask for a video of himself sky diving, I had thrown it away, but told him I didn’t know where his video could be..

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  brit

The no pictures thing is a really classic way to identify them as probably psychopathic. In their head it was a “Do over” . A la chris watts. I have been mesmerized by the similarities in his cold calucations of erasing the old and starting the new life. So many paralells to my lunatic ex and so many on here. The thing that really stood out was how he turned the blame on her to make him look somewhat victim. Unless you’ve experienced it personally you would not believe someone could be that delusional and cool. My narc / psycho gave the exit speech to our kids 20min before walking out the door that “mum doesn’t want me to live here anymore” i corrected him half way through his outrageous attempt at blame shift. He gave me a look that still gives me chills.

Kbchump
Kbchump
5 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

My ex did the same. After 24 years she left with very little from the house, and none of the pics or photo albums or 18 years of videos of the kids sports/holidays/Disneyland etc..not a one. Never asked either. Just moved on in with her AP. Still boggles my mind.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
5 years ago

A Very Happy Christmas to you and your Daughter UKchump! I hope your Daughter asks the Grinch and his loathsome side fuck…er…side kick why Mum’s Christmas trees are not at home with Mum and causes the Grinch to Stroke-out. It would make for the Best Christmas Ever!! ????

knittedrobin
knittedrobin
5 years ago

Strange how much cheaters love wrecking Christmas isn’t it? Even before he told me I was a terrible wife (Christmas day ) and disappeared, my ex loved being the one person in the family who deliberately messed up Christmas by being in a mood, spending the kids’ cheques (given by relatives) on his hobby, inviting terrible friends round, getting offensively pissed etc. Christmases feel so weirdly easy and pleasant now he is no longer around.

Nevermore
Nevermore
5 years ago
Reply to  knittedrobin

Oh, yeah, I definitely don’t miss the special event ruining!

X decided to basically cancel Christmas for 3 years before I left him. He was a bus driver and volunteered for the Christmas Day roster. He al demanded that the kids and I not do anything special, because that would show we didn’t care about him. The kuds got to open presents in tge morning while he was grumpy and then be quiet until he left.

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
5 years ago
Reply to  knittedrobin

Yes. X was the Holiday Moment Ruiner. Imagine having a five-year old, three- year old and newborn on Christmas morning when SANTA CAME!!! As I grabbed the baby and followed my excited older sons down the stairs, we marveled at what was under the tree. “Look, Mommy! This one has a “B” on it! I bet it’s for ME!!” “Mommy I think that box is a SLED!” Even the baby was in awe of the Christmas lights on the tree.

I called up the stairs to shout, “Hey Dad! Santa came to our house! You better hurry!”

He took that as a challenge and replied, “I need to shave and shower first. They’ll just have to wait.”

My “Norman Rockwell” moment is me surrounded by crying children as he sauntered down the stairs and snapped, “What the hell’s wrong with them?!”

Fucking Moment Ruiner.

TaraBelle
TaraBelle
5 years ago

#buzzkill

Sunflower haze
Sunflower haze
5 years ago
Reply to  TaraBelle

#KILLJOY

brit
brit
5 years ago

Omg! they know how to ruin every celebration if they’re not the center of attention.
Cheater would go to bed Christmas Eve and I would stay up late putting gifts under the tree, last minute wrapping, cookies and milk for Santa, and filling stockings. We had one child who like most kids, got up early and excited to open his gifts Christmas morning. As a parent, and how I thought most parents felt, I looked forward to watching our son open up his gifts on Christmas morning, seeing his stocking, and checking to see if Santa had enjoyed the milk and cookies we left out for him.

Cheater was Christmas Hitler, he expected our son to wait until he finished sleeping, and had coffee, and we all should be showered and dressed before opening gifts.
Cheater snapped at our son telling him to go back to bed and he would let him know when he could open gifts…
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I said no, my son and I went to open gifts, Cheater then decided to join us after he made his coffee. No emotion or excitement for our son, I did all the video taping Christmas morning as well, while Mr. Misery Cheater sat on the side lines, looking miserable..,

They’re incapable of feeling empathy or compassion, so how can they share our children joys on Christmas morning? They’re not normal.

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago

“…Santa baby,
Just one more tiny thing for me —
A tree!
From UKChump’s garage!
Santa baby, come stuff it up my chimney tonight.”

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yes I was messing with a jingle but I have to acquiesce to this one LOL

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Brilliant

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago

Yes CL…this goes into the “Depths of Their Treachery” column to remind us that They Suck.

My sucking story comes from how I got my tree instead of how I lost it but speaks to the buckets of spackle needed to live on any given day.

Way back in the early 2000s when most families were just going from one cell phone to two, I had no yet gotten used to taking my phone everywhere and on Sunday morning we were just taking the kids to church, so I figured I didnt need it.

After Mass we went shopping and ended up at a large sprawling garden center and split up each with a kid or two looking at this and that. Cheater was grumbly and mad, as was his norm but he saw artificial Christmas trees and decided to buy one. After 3 milliseconds of looking for me in the store, he also decided that I needed to be punished for making the grave error of leaving my phone behind and he left me at the store.

It has been so long, I now forget how long I was there or which kid I had after we were left at the store, but it is such a reminder of who he was and what actions toward us he thought were perfectly acceptable.

Im sure I spackled as I stood alone and puzzled in the store not sure when or how I was getting home. I wonder now who he was calling on his phone while he grumbled and groused at me. I also know it would never in a million years occur to my new husband to leave me behind to make a point. #cheatingisoneabuseamongmany

newly chumped
newly chumped
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornomore – your story made me sad, one of my ex’s favourite punishments after the silent of course was leaving me & kids places without any warning. He even left us on holiday once.

Outoftheblue
Outoftheblue
5 years ago
Reply to  newly chumped

Gosh, my ex used to do that, he’s go off and leave me, if we had the car I’d have to stay with it in case he drove off and left me, gosh that was such a deliberate waste of time. If we were walking he’d leave me behind or disappear so I didn’t know where he’d gone
He disappeared sometimes when I was still asleep, or he’d manufacture an argument, or he’d go back and stay in the car when we were something
He made a point of spoiling Christmas if he could. . He’d whine that Christmas wasn’t special anymore not like when he was a child. Well when you’re a big grown up man you’re supposed to make it special for your children aren’t you. Lord knows how much harder I could have tried.
UKC hope he doesn’t plant the old tree back in the garage so he can go on even worse at you, take a photo of the fearless garage

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  Outoftheblue

Really young people may not remember family outings without every person carrying a phone, but back in the day before cell phones, if people went somewhere they would say something like “If we lose each other, meet here at 7pm”. If I tried to do that, he GOT SO PISSED OFF…but once I lost him in a large theme park and he was furious when he found me (and whatever kid).

Everything made him mad…I tried SO HARD to keep things smooth, but he seemed to look for reasons to become indignant.

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Omg, UNM…I was married to a guy just like that. Constantly pissed off about something. I honestly believe he liked being mad. I walked on eggshells.

Nevermore
Nevermore
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

We did something similar to that on a holiday in New Zealand (from our home in Australia). We were in the wonderful Te Papa museum in Wellington. I had checked my bag in the cloakroom, forgetting my phone was in it.

My kids were teens and we all had different interests. The museum is large and amazing. Because of that, we agreed that we could look at what we liked, but none of us would move to the next floor without the whole group (not a problem, since each floor could take hours). I specifically did this because X had a history of wandering off and expecting everyone to follow him, no matter their interests. In addition, the kids had different interests.

I was looking at items with X when he disappeared. I kept looking at what I was interested in, ran into the teens a few times and kept an eye out for X. No problem, because we had all agreed on the plan, right? It’s never that easy with an emotional abuser!

After a couple of hours and the kids and I finishing the floor, we hadn’t seen X though we had all seen each other several times and were able to meet up and agree we were finished. As a team, we walked through the floor to search for X. No sign at all. Announcement said musuem is closing soon. We went done to the cloakroom/desk to get our stuff and page X. Well, there he is in a thundering rage, sitting near the cloakroom. Apparently he went there soon after he walked off from me and has been sitting there for hours. He called my phone, but I didn’t answer. (No calls to the kids, who also had functioning phones.) He said he looked, but didn’t see any of us on the 2nd floor where we had all agreed to stay, but claimed he shouldn’t have to look for us, but we should have searched for him since we weren’t with him. He then did his signature sulk for the whole NZ trip over our “bad” treatment of him in the museum. He had to ruin every holiday. He always found something to be his excuse to keep focus on his anger instead of holiday fun.

Life is so much nicer without that crap.

NewChump
NewChump
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornomore, me too. He thought he had a right to punish me for endless transgressions against his sacrosanct convenience. Or whatever. It was like being in prison. Like – who do these people think they ARE?

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

That sounds so horrid. And familiar. They love to punish and abuse, don’t they.

My X asshat got super pissed that he couldn’t locate me when we went to the Mt. Saint Helens monument. We got separated with our teenage daughters and while a bit exasperated that I couldn’t find him the kid I had carried on and spent time looking at the various exhibits and the grounds. Finally we caught up with each other and he was livid. Now memorialized for all time, the look on his face in the photos, (a look that would become very familiar in the final years of our marriage before he abandoned me), was one of absolute disgust and hatred. How dare he be inconvenienced. How dare his agenda be usurped. There shall be punishment.

This from a guy who was relentlessly 8 minutes late to everything. He simply could not get his ass anywhere on time if it was something for anyone else. If it was something he wanted to do we all had better hell-fire get moving or we will have his wrath to deal with. Our daughter’s baptism? Hey, let’s pull over on the way to church camp and grab some snacks and look at magazines at the grocery store (we missed the baptism by 3 minutes). Pure passive aggressive punishment.

But if his favorite band’s concert tickets were going on sale he sat there with his clicking finger ready to refresh that web page over and over at 12 midnight to get the very best seat for himself. Priorities. At least his daughters both know him for what he is.

I do wish my X asshat was as dead as yours. I guess in every way that matters, he is.

Groovygrove
Groovygrove
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

They do this shit to push our buttons because we shock horror dared to see them for what they are not put up with their steaming piles of bullshit.

With narcicisists it is always about doing one better, looking better and payback for anyone who dares to expose them for the piece of shit they are. Their ego is so fragile that they’d rather get payback by trying to undermine, gaslight and destroy (even if it means destroying their own lives) than move on with their lives.

My ex did all this exact same shit and still continues to do it to this exact day even though its 8 years since we split. It’s a shit show and a half. It’s almost Christmas and our sons birthday is on Christmas Eve and it’s not a question of if he’ll create some drama it’s a question of when. He’s a misery guts most of the time but Christmas is truly when this lovely part of of his personality comes to play and I can guarantee you if he’s miserable he will go that extra special mile to wreck Christmas for everyone else including our kids. But as hard as it is I don’t let it get to me anymore and neither should you.

You need to draw some firm lines in the sand otherwise they’re gonna continue to ride roughshod over you. Brit chump, change the locks and if he rants and raves and threatens you with court, tell him to go for it. It shits me to tears that even though they’re separated and not living there that the law allows them to legally enter the house when they want which is not right. When you’re renting a landlord/owner is not allowed to let themselves in and the same should apply to exes.

To the people whom have exes that turn up late, if they turn up late they don’t see the kids. If there is a set time for pick up that’s the set time. They’re not doing this shit because they can’t manage their time, they do it to mess with you because they get off on doing this and because they can. They threaten to take you to court, call their bluff – ok tell me the time and date and I’ll see you then. They rant, rave and threaten – don’t engage (they’re trying to draw you into a confrontation) hang up or shut the door in their face. They get verbally or physically abusive, call the police straight away – you should never ever ever have to put up with this.

Most importantly look after yourselves. If you have a support network – use them, if not use the many community supports out there. Get some counseling to not only help you get through and deal this but to help you be assertive. You can’t control their behaviour, but you can control how you choose to deal with it and the stronger you get the easier it is to deal with.

Also remember we’re kick ass people and nothing can bring us down.

brit
brit
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Cheater and I also had disagreement at Mt. St. Helen’s years ago, my punishment along with his evil glare was silence during the ride back home.
I’ve also got photos of the look of hatred and disdain which were taken the year before he left.
If looks could kill, I’d be dead.

X was late for everything, unless it was something he was interested in.
He would always be the first to shower, then let me know he was ready and waiting for me.

Every time we went any place, this is what would happen, backing out of the driveway, he’d suddenly turn off the ignition and say he’d forgotten something.., It seemed to happen more often when it was a sweltering in 100 degrees outside. After about 10 minutes, he’d leisurely stroll back towards his truck with his hairbrush..,

Miss Bailey, they look for excuses for lashing outa at us and our children. X would say he had something on his mind or he was “passionate” whatever that meant, or that he was Italian…,
No, he’s a selfish asshole, who doesn’t care who he hurts.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  brit

Something like this happened every time we went on a road trip with the kids in summer. He would wait until we were all in the hot car and then go into the house to do the final sweep, turn on the right lights, check the toaster and/or whatever. It would take forever and we would be suffocating (even with the car doors open). I tried to work around this by having the kids play in the front yard while he did his sweep, but he refused to do the sweep until we were all in the car. I tried to let him know it was unpleasant but I was too nice about it for him to get it. I didn’t dare be harsher because sticking up for me and the kids usually lead to me feeling guilty for begin so unreasonable and getting upset over minor things and making him feel like a bad husband/father.

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

OMG – you were married to my Dickhead!!
“This from a guy who was relentlessly 8 minutes late to everything. He simply could not get his ass anywhere on time if it was something for anyone else. If it was something he wanted to do we all had better hell-fire get moving or we will have his wrath to deal with. Our daughter’s baptism? Hey, let’s pull over on the way to church camp and grab some snacks and look at magazines at the grocery store (we missed the baptism by 3 minutes). Pure passive aggressive punishment.”

Same here – if it was for me, he would go the speed limit, stop for gas, stop for a drink. If it was for him, he would going 15 mph over the speed limit and no time to stop. It was very rarely that he ever had to wait to me to leave. It usually him or my stepson that waited to the last minute to get ready.

The Dickhead’s grandparent always ate at noon on the holidays and the family waited on no one. Not even if they knew you were on the way. We had a late start that first year we married back in 2000. It was Christmas for pete’s sake and we had the kids. Anyway, we were on the way up (1.25 hours) and my stepdaughter was getting carsick. She was 5. I made him stop to she could get out and he was fucking pissed. Now his Dad had already been diagnosed with cancer and this would probably be the last Christmas with him and I can understand the stress and frustration. But we were on the way up and about 35 minutes out. We weren’t going to be missing anything except the prayer and start of dinner. Again, this goes to the anger, the rage, the complete lack of compassion for his daughter. I will never forget just how bad he acted. Looking back, it was disgusting that he yelled at his little daughter and made us feel like complete shit. Fuck him and fuck those memories.

Juju
Juju
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Ugh. Is chronic lateness a common red flag of these very selfish people?
(In my case could have also been a sign of alcoholism or drug abuse though. Although at the time i though maybe it was due to ocd or aspergers)
My ex was 2 hours late to his sons 3rd birthday party. Me and my parents did all the work transporting food and setting up at a local park. We waited 2 hours for him because he was responsible for the barbecuing.

And then he was mad at me for being mad at him.

He was late to everything! Just did not care about others waiting for him. I dont think ocd or aspergers any more. Just plain old selfishness to the extreme.

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Juju

Many years ago my ex, RonBurgundy, was supposed to pick me and newborn DS up from the hospital at 11am so we could come home following a traumatic c-section. We waited 2 hours all ready to go. When he finally showed up, he said he had to research something for a news segment. He couldn’t understand why I was mad. But omg, if you were a minute late for him, regardless of the reason, he’d be pissed for days.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
5 years ago
Reply to  DrFormerChump

OMG another flashback of PTSD!

After giving birth to our first daughter, the DOCTOR (med student) said he’d pick me up “after going to class”, which was 8:30 am.

So I was discharged 30 hours post delivery but alas, where was THE soon to be DOCTOR?? Nowhere to be found and this was before cell phones. I had no way to reach him.

He strolled in at 5:30pm which meant I had no food since breakfast, and no assigned bed since I’d been discharged, with a day old baby, no clothes for going home, and nothing to eat (a kind nurse brought me an apple and some juice).

If I’d known the PSA (Pathologically Self Absorbed) idiot was going to attend ALL his classes, I’d have gotten a family member to take me home OR I’d have stayed in the hospital.

Instead, we drove home in bumper to bumper traffic and I was starving. And I got NO apology and now that I recall this event, I also recall feeling unable or disallowed to be angry. Simply put, anger AT him was not allowed, but anger FROM him, even when disproportionate or inappropriate, was to be overlooked. Years later when we were discussing the marriage and I was pick me dancing, I asked him to recall that event to see if IN HINDSIGHT he might have made a mistake since that event should have been a beautiful experience for all of us.

The DOCTOR’s reply? “It was sub optimal.”

Yeah, quite sub optimal. Also sub human.

God, I cannot believe I put up with that crap.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
5 years ago
Reply to  Juju

My diagnosed-NPD cheater ex was ALWAYS late to everything, no matter how important, and he also would get angry at me for being annoyed at him.

inescapable
inescapable
5 years ago
Reply to  Juju

Yep “…and then he got mad at me for being mad at him”. This is what I got all the time. Nothing he ever did was bad enough for me to get angry.
Always the reaction is the problem, not the action.

Shechump
Shechump
5 years ago
Reply to  inescapable

Inescapable – omg – there is always someone here who relates.
A good defense is the best offence, is what I learned.

I’m sorry you had to fight with that because it’s pure and simple Gaslighting!

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
5 years ago
Reply to  inescapable

“Got mad at me for getting mad at him”…it got so I could not get mad at him NO MATTER WHAT HE DID, the best I could muster without more rage from him, was a look of hurt.

And it had to pass FAST just as I had to FORGET it all (or I’d “just drag up the past” and “stay bitter”) or he’d blame shift again.

Honestly, I had forgotten several of the things the DOCTOR did that are -IN HINDSIGHT – without the benefit of spackle – just crazy making abuse.

I’m grateful for this post because I really have forgotten so much of the SHIT, with the holidays approach I find myself missing – mostly – what MIGHT have been, not what really was.

That’s sad, I know. But it’s also reality and at least I know that he did not treat me well for a long time, despite how much I loved him.

So my loss is not much of a loss. Finances are much harder for me now, that’s true. But I bet he worries more about money than I do, b/c he always needed more just to feel okay.

Whatever the DOCTOR is to his Schmoopie wife, he was a lousy wasband to me. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

I always pray my kids are not too damaged…they say they have always known I love them. That makes me happy.

Thanks for this!

storm traveler
storm traveler
5 years ago

Your story is just like mine. Thanks for posting this

HomeBound
HomeBound
5 years ago
Reply to  inescapable

Yes. The one any ONLY thing I ever took away from Dr. Phil was that narcissists, and anyone who does it, actually…is saying to you “My time is more important than yours.”

It’s disrespect in it’s purest form. “I will waste your life as I see fit, because you are not important.” It’s not the function, the kid, the whatever….it’s THEIR BELIEF.

The Jerkwad and I were in a Starbucks in NYC (FFS. I had never been there. Ever.) doing the “Nostalgia Tour”. He had done a preceptorship when he was in his early 20s and wanted to go and relive all of his happy memories. They consisted of…..walking around endlessly in the rain (not allowed to buy an umbrella. he didn’t have one when he did this, so I couldn’t have one when we were recreating his happy memory), buying the WORST pizza from a stand up hole in the wall and eating it cold in the rain (it was the same pizza place), touring “architecurally interesting (to him)” buildings….and then sitting in Starbucks (it was a different coffee shop in his glory days, and that infuriated him) talking about articles he read in Utne Reader.

I did manage to sit and observe, while feeling like a cold, drowned rat. I noticed that everyone in his little cubby hole of a favorite spot all wore the same thing. Black turtle neck sweater, round Harry Potter glasses, used army jackets and combat boots.

I opined, “Well, for a bunch of nonconformists, you all seem to conform to your own dress code. You all look the same. So much for nonconformity, huh?”

He decided to then ignore me completely. I would say something like, “Can we go and change into dry clothes now?” And he would pretend I didn’t exist. So I put my cup down quietly and got up….and left the store. He sat there.

He knew I had never been to NYC and at that time, no cellphones and no handheld GPS. He had walked me all over and the car was parked on some random side street. I was notoriously bad with directions, and he knew this….so he sat there and let me leave….knowing if I got lost…..I would have ZERO CHANCE of finding him again or contacting him.

So he smugly sat there and waited for me to come crawling back.

Well, I knew his bullshit well. He’d done it before. As we were walking, I noted landmarks. A storefront here, a sign there. I asked along the way….and lo and behold….I found the car!

I had an extra set of keys for it on my own ring….so I opened it, started the car and sat to wait. About an hour later…..he arrived FUMING.

The 4 hour drive home was completely and entirely silent.

Suffice it to say, he NEVER did anything like that again—but it did convert into more sinister and underhanded ways to make me pay for showing him to be an ass.

If anybody ever, EVER is late for your appointments…..Dr. Phil said….you give them ONE CHANCE. If they are late a second time? Even if they call with a great excuse….YOU LEAVE WITHOUT THEM. Every time. If they don’t learn after a couple of those moves, you need to shut that fucker out of your life, no matter who they are.

Chronic lateness is a cardinal red flag for the one who sees you as a piece of furniture.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago
Reply to  Juju

Yes, absolutely the chronic lateness is a sign. “Living with the Passive Aggressive Man” by Scott Wetzler and “Why does he DO that?” by Lundy Bancroft explain this.

I will never put up with that again.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

As I think on this, I am sorry that UKC had to buy a new tree, but I hope in years to come, she looks at her new tree with a sense of freedom and newness…a fresh breeze of new life of her and daughter together and the stolen one can rot over at OWs place (she better have a place to store it come January – can you imagine him BRINGING IT BACK!?!).

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I doubt that STBX will steal the new tree. After all, the new one won’t be able to give him any kibbles for almost a year. On the other hand, storing the stolen ones back with UK chump after Xmas is very much the kind of thing I would expect him to do.

My advice on that – UKchump should say nothing, let him store it back at her house, and then, after the divorce is final and she’s changed the locks, sell the old tree and any ornaments she doesn’t have sentimental attachments to. Come November, when then X contacts her to claim the tree, she should simply claim that she thought he didn’t want it, which is obviously the only reason he’d put it back at her house, so she got rid of it, because it evoked too many bad memories for her.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

meh.twain
meh.twain
5 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

Haha I wouldnt say I sold them, I’d say I dumped them as they came back to the garage reeking of something cheap and nasty and I thought maybe they had become infested with something

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Frankly, I would incinerate anything touched by OW.

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

OMG that just brought back a memory of how grossed out I am by the original OW! Creepy Crawley yuck.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yeah, totally, and I was thinking our writer should store the new one with someone when she takes it down so he can’t run off with that one, too!

Douches.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I was thinking the exact same thing! Once UKChump’s beautiful new Christmas tree comes down, she needs to immediately take it off the premises and store it elsewhere until that evil man no longer has any access to her home. That would be just his style… stealing the replacement (and all the newly-purchased trimmings) on his way out the door.

Survivor
Survivor
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

I was thinking about the perfect place for Cheater to store the two stolen trees after Christmas.

Hint: The sun does not shine there.

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
5 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Hey Griswold. Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I’ll show you.

I love that quote from National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
Sweet xoxo

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Yay!!!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago

This blog makes my heart cry, and cry out for the invention of new adjectives for the level of pond scum low blow egregious assholiness I read about from CN. Jiminy Crack Christmas this makes me sick.

When you think about who he’a with, the antacid is REMIND YOURSELF WHO HE IS. OUT LOUD. A LOT. You’d have to have rocks for brains to adopt this piece of bleep. As was said in the previous column, “Hey, OW! Tag! You’re it!” (Merry Christmas….hehehehheh!”)
#thinkslumpofcoalisgoldnugget

I don’t know where in the UK you are, but I do know it’s an absolutely beautiful place. I’d be getting creative with my daughter coming up with lots of new Christmas outings. Think Escape to the (Christmas) Country. I have no experience with having to live under the same roof post DDay or sending my daughter off to an OW, but you have my deepest sympathy for that situation and hope that someone here can make some suggestions about dealing with that. I do know it would test the limits of my sanity. ????

In my own case, my daughter and I will be doing some of our traditions on our own for the first time. I am the one who keeps Christmas, so not much has changed in the labor department of Santa’s workshop. He just won’t be coming along for the ride. But he wants to hang out with us on Christmas…I am letting my daughter call the shots and doing what she wants. My ability to be civil is for her sake and to maintain my own dignity/integrity.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago

…..and maybe it’s time to redefine Boxing Day….!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago

https://www.visitengland.com/things-to-do/winter-warmers

Now I want to come to the UK for Christmas! We’ll take you to holiday tea at Harrods!

ukchump
ukchump
5 years ago

Oh don’t you worry, me and my little girl have got all sorts planned! I’m so excited for it to be just me and her (as much as he’ll allow… oh yes he’s exercising his 50/50 patental responsibility rights… absolutely nothing to do with the financial settlement and maintenance payments…absolutely…nothing…obviously). But yes I’m setting as many new traditions as I can. If you ever visit the UK definitely hit me up!!! Any friend of CN is a friend of mine ❤️

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
5 years ago
Reply to  ukchump

I’m so glad that you have some great plans with your daughter going forward UK. What I can’t ever wrap my head around is how cheaters torture their spouses. They are the ones that cheated and broke the union and then they turn around and are so damn mean to their former wives/husbands.
I guess I’m lucky in that regard, my cheater XH never tortured me with bizarre shit. But then again he was in such a hurry to go off and live the good life with schmoopie he left everything.

Lucky
Lucky
5 years ago

This guy is what I would refer to as a Button Pusher. Needs to paint you as crazy, unstable and mean. Maybe in front of your daughter ?!?!

He is not original. Trying to recreate what he had in his new life. Maybe he is trying to show your daughter that life would be just as great in his new live nest….

Document Document Document!!!
I had to live with Sinister Minister for a few months after BD too. Worst Christmas ever.

You can do this. Your daughter needs you – just focus on giving her some stability this year.

HomeBound
HomeBound
5 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

UKChump, you’re an amazingly strong and creative person who cares deeply. Your cheater is beneath contempt—and you handled this situation perfectly.

Don’t confront him. Don’t say a word. Act as if nothing actually happened. Tree? Oh THAT tree? Yes. I decorated it this morning and DD loves it. She’s so happy. Have a great weekend!! Bye!

He’ll go batshit. He wants you to react and he wants you to be sad/angry/desperate. He wants you to ask him WHY! so that he can smirk and feel powerful. Only disturbed people steal—whether it’s from a bank or a corporation or…..a child. The intent is always that they feel YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO THAT THING.

He may have not even wanted the damn trees. He may have dumped them on the side of the road for all you know. And that is what these fuckers do. Just to make you hurt.

Don’t show him anything. Nada. Zip. It never happened, right? But you document and you remember. When the time comes, you can use it….in many ways. I would never pit daughter against him, but I sure as hell would let her know when she’s older…that this happened. Factual, non emotional information. Let her sort it out.

She will see him, UKC, for what he is. It may not happen now, but it will happen. As a child of divorce, I was on my mother’s side consistently. Dad was The Bad Guy and she never once curbed her contempt for him and his moving on with a woman later my step mother.

Turns out…my mother was the cheater. The crazy one. The consistent chooser of her boyfriends over her kids, spending our meager resources on her beaus and leaving us nothing. My Dad faded into the background because she made his life a living hell and poisoned us against him.

Don’t let your cheater do this. You stay in your kids’ life, you stay sane, you show her (them?) that they can rely on you for not only safety, but the TRUTH. You provide what you can and the rest will fall into place.

P.S. Lemme tell ya. I felt like pulling out my checkbook and sending you the fee for the tree—so you can purchase something nice for yourself and your daughter. This guy makes my blood boil.

ukchump
ukchump
5 years ago
Reply to  HomeBound

Thanks @homebound Gives me some comfort when I hear of people finally finding out the truth. I always wonder what age my dd will get to before she sees who her dad really is. Hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas x

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Yep, and store the documentation where he can’t F with it.

cuzchump
cuzchump
5 years ago

Merry Christmas UK Chump. You are doing the right thing by not taking his bait. You are showing your daughter that you are a strong good person. Let the OW have the hand me down trees. It seems that is what she likes. Merry Christmas and I am sure 2019 will be a better year.

MrsVain
MrsVain
5 years ago
Reply to  cuzchump

maybe i missed it but she never said he took the trees to the OW.. .. all she said was both christmas trees were gone.

but seriously, if the ow can take someones tree she is just as bad as the guy who stole them. How desperate do you have to be to steal someone’s christmas tree?

the OP will have a much better life without this dickhead.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
5 years ago
Reply to  MrsVain

UK Chump

your post is yet more proof that for most of us here on CN, our love for our children will always exceed the contempt we have for the pathologically self absorbed.

I call my wasband the DOCTOR b/c his title screams out in CAPITAL letters!! DOCTOR NARKLES, asshole.

As our son said when his father, the DOCTOR first posted on FB about the “love of his life Schmoopie” (whom he swears he met the day after I “shocked” him by filing for divorce – a month earlier and after 35 years of marriage…)

“GOOD RIDDANCE TO LUNACY…”

Amen, son, AMEN

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
5 years ago

Well played, UKchump! You are very mighty recognizing how it made you feel, not taking the bait, and coming back with a solution. Bravo!! He definitely should fear YOU!!

Juju
Juju
5 years ago

The only good thing here, is that you will have this to look back on, anytime you start to feel the slightest bit of doubt or guilt, or nostalgia or when he seems pitiful because he is issued some consequences…just remember this.

Trudy
Trudy
5 years ago

Should he bring it up. Just tell your stbx that you wanted all new holiday decor this year! How did he know??? Any grousing on his part, just say ‘oh thank you for getting rid of that old junk!’ And yes. Itemize that one.

KB22
KB22
5 years ago
Reply to  Trudy

UK Chump has (unwittingly I believe) turned the tables on STBX. She has the ability to drive STBX mad with frustration and anger. This is so easy. UK Chump just has to be happy or at least give a good performance for the time being. When he takes daughter to OW’s house she can make off she has made plans so perfectly suits UK Chump’s agenda. As soon as he thinks UK Chump is making plans when he takes daughter to OW, he’ll stop taking daughter to OW’s house. UK Chump should be lost in thought when STBX is around, he’ll go crazy wondering what or who she has her mind on. By taking the trees he thought he’d frustrate and upset UK Chump. He thought he had guaranteed a fight or the very least a confrontation. When he sees a new tree all nicely decorated and no remarks from UK Chump, he’ll have lost the plot.

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
5 years ago

Xmas and holidays are particularly tough, you could ask him where the decorations have gone, then watch his face. Its image management, he wasn’t interested in Xmas with you, but he’s interested in it with her, its all crap. What are the plans for Xmas day.
I was dumped for Xmas day, I know how shit, it is. Good luck. I wonder what the ows plans are for Xmas.

Adelante (formerly Trying for Mighty)
Adelante (formerly Trying for Mighty)
5 years ago

UK Chump,
You did exactly the right thing and for the right reasons. I hope there’s a way to stick him with the bill for the new tree, and maybe as part of your coping strategies you can when necessary remind yourself to take pleasure in the fact that you’re sticking the OW with him.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
5 years ago

UKchump,

I’m sorry. Just when I think I’ve heard (or read ) it all, I come here and I’m surprised yet again. I’m so sorry that you and your daughter have to live with the grinch. What a steaming pile of dog shit he is to steal both trees. I admire your mightiness in keeping it together, buying and decorating another tree though. You may not feel like it but that was a mighty move.

Like CL says, make sure that 110 winds up in the money he has to pay you in the settlement. Keep your eyes focused on the prize and remain cool if for no other reason than you know it drives him bat shit crazy.

The OW has gifted herself a real prize. Make sure there are no returns on this delightful present!!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

Wow, a new way of stealing Christmas from chumps, beside wrecking a family.

Well, UKChump, thanks a million for sharing your story. It has changed my way of looking at a Christmas tree: I couldn’t bear to look at any, but TODAY I am going out to get MY tree and decorate it!

This morning my first grandchild was born AND I got my Christmas back for my family!

Thanks again UK and stay strong! Chump Nation will count the days with you until this scum gets out of your house. Please let us know!

Martha
Martha
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Congrats on the new grandbaby, Clearwaters!!!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Big congratulations ClearWaters! How exciting. May your grandchild be healthy and blessed!

FoolMeOnce
FoolMeOnce
5 years ago

My ex and I also had to live together, our last Christmas as a intact family was a month before our divorce was final. He left right after the presents were opened to spend a week with the OW. That was bad….stealing the tree just to fuck with you makes me feel lucky. Keep with the grey rock, it’s working.

I thought we would be living together until we were debt free, plus this chump didn’t want to leave him with such an expensive mortgage plus the child support (that’s a whole other level of chumpiness). I eventually got an email forwarded to me by him, supposedly written by him, telling me to either move out or pay him more to live there. Then he acts all surprised when I go looking for a house, I reminded him that per his email he asked me to, I suppose he liked his ex-wife appliance and apparently OW felt threatened. ???? Anyway my point is that I didn’t think I could afford it, it was scary, but I moved out on my own and it was the best thing I could of done. I had to borrow money from my grandma but I am so much better now! I get it, the whole cohabiting thing, but if you can find a way get out of there.

P.S. I wish I could somehow give you money to cover the expense of that tree…

Thrive
Thrive
5 years ago

Uk chump- im sorry you are in this really Shitty situation. It is painful enough to have to live through betrayal but to have him in the same house for months and your stuff just there for his scavenging(not sure that is a word) through would make me crazy! Good for you to go get a tree and make Christmas “normal” for your daughter. Sounds like you are a really good mom and doing the best for you both in a bad situation. Hugs!

Nymeria
Nymeria
5 years ago

What a piece of work he is. Hang in their while cohabitating with that loser. I’ve been there. It took months before cheater ex finally moved out. It was just one of countless ways he tried to make me miserable during the divorce. You rocked the situation. Had a good cry then picked yourself up and got it done for the sake of your child. I know it is hard but we don’t control what happens, just how we react.

It does start to get easier. I’m still struggling but every time I manage to do something new, I know I’m that much mightier. I had two accomplishments this weekend. I bought a live tree, got it home and set up in my living room all by myself. The second is that the handle of my kitchen faucet was loose. I figured out how to tighten it up fairly quickly and now it’s perfect.

Hang in there. Every small step you make is a victory. You’re super might already, I can’t wait to see how much more amazing you’ll be a year from now.

Martha
Martha
5 years ago

You are super duper MIGHTY, UKchump!!! You are doing everything right and keep on going. You have only a few more months until you no longer have to live with him. You are so smart that you realize he’s trying to get a rise out of you to feed off of your emotions and to try to get you to look crazy and unstable. My ex did the same and unfortunately after having to live with him for eight months after D-Day (he refused to leave — he “had his rights!”), I started to lose it and act crazy and unstable the last two months. And of course he got out his phone to record everything. He sucks, he sucks, HE SUCKS! And your soon-to-be-ex sucks EPICALLY! Let him and his whore have your old trees. You have your new tree that will have brand new memories. Let the whore have your sloppy seconds. You deserve new and cheater free memories, so maybe it’s good the old trees are gone. I left my Christmas tree behind when I moved out with my kids (he wouldn’t leave so I left!) and now I have a fabulous silver tree that’s so retro and cool! This is our third year with our new tree and it’s all mine and has no cheater memories attached to it. My ex has my old tree that I picked out and purchased. He’s a sociopath, so he has no emotions when it comes to stuff that was “ours”, so it belongs with him and his whore. They deserve my old stuff. She deserves my sloppy seconds. 🙂

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha, the Twat “had his rights” too. He moved in with the Skank but they were like two kindergartners and would have a handbag-flailing fight every 2-3 weeks or so and he would move back home because “he knew his rights”! Then she would call a couple of days later and the suitcases would move back out – until the next time. The best though was one time when he was back at the house and he looked at me and asked if we could have sex because he was horny! I told him that knowing where he had dipped his stick there was no way he was coming near me with that thing. To which he replied “I’ve got rights you know”! If he hadn’t been so pathetic I would have ripped him a new one. Instead I just laughed in his face and told him that his rights ended where mine started! What a dick!

NurseMeh
NurseMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Attie WTF? ( hysterical here! whahahahaha) but really on a serious note it’s quite disturbing – the sense of entitlement that they think they own you and are claiming ‘their conjugals’ at this point. What a dickhead!

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  NurseMeh

I know right!!!!

Nymeria
Nymeria
5 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes, exactly! Having new items with no trace of cheater memories is such a breath of fresh air. Great point!

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
5 years ago

My stbx (7 months separated, no pick me dance, no contact, papers filed, negotiations from hell) and I are different religions. His faith does not celebrate Christmas. I have always loved and celebrated The holiday. He has not and would complain about the activities I had planned. It is a special time of year that I have always worked hard to create special memories for my daughter. We have a blast! Two weeks ago he sent my daughter a picture of the 7ft tree he put up at his house as well as the Christmas decorations he put all over. WTF?!? I have no idea why he will be “celebrating” Christmas as she will be with me this year and every year. I admit I spent some time trying to untangle this craziness then I just gave up and thought it would be nice to be a fly on the wall when he explains to his conservative Jewish family why he is celebrating Christmas when he doesn’t have custody of his daughter.

I also am surprised that he has let two of his holidays pass without celebrating with her even though it was stipulated in the custody agreement.

His identity crisis is clearly deeper than imagined.

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

Yup, sounds like he wants the image management, but not the actual parenting.

Typical.

Typical asshole, actually.

Magneto
Magneto
5 years ago

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I get the shock/disbelief factor — I had one of those myself.
You are right, he did this to upset you. Knowing you would go buy new.

What he is doing is trying to create “the other shoe syndrome”. He is intentionally not only screwing you over, he is picking highly emotionally charged events to shock you. The more he can pull the rug out, the more power he may feel, because it is a control tactic. As long as it tilts the table in his favor, even for stupid stuff, he will enjoy doing it.

I ran through my entire divorce on edge, waiting for the next stunt to come from any and all sides. It is a terrible feeling. It took a good length of years after the divorce to feel the random blows were going to stop coming. I am on my third year post divorce/in my new home and this Christmas is the first I feel settled.

Yours will be there, too. Not this one, but in the future. It won’t matter what used decorations he absconded with, it will not even register…

This Christmas I have a WHALE of a karma story to tell but I will wait for a karma post to spill.

Madam Pince
Madam Pince
5 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

UK Chump, Magneto is right. It’s a power play. It’s more than “he wants your pain.” He wants to CAUSE you pain. He wants to hurt you. I think you are right to be afraid of him.

My X did the exact same thing. I told him on Christmas Eve I was going to file for divorce. He could not believe I would stand up to him (after 27 years). I went to work every day while he stayed home, as he was jobless as usual. I returned home each night to find some new petty revenge. All the pictures of me were turned to the wall. He locked me out of our bedroom. He played our wedding video on an endless loop. He talked all day on his cell to everyone, trashing my character. How do I know? DD18 was home from college and he wanted her to hear. He told DS15 that he was going to call CPS to remove DS from our home, as I was molesting him. He followed me around the house and got in my face, saying “this is my house. I can do what I want.”

When I tried to describe these acts to anyone, they just sort of shrugged and said, “Well, he’s a jerk but just ignore him and he’ll stop.” Except, he didn’t. Gray rock just made him more determined to show me who was boss. It ended with threats and guns and the police and traumatized children and a protective order. Even then, his family and friends supported him (and still do) because “he wasn’t really going to hurt anyone.”

So, I understand your fear. It’s terrifying to live with such malice, spite and determination to cause you pain. You’re right; he will strike back. I’m so sorry.

C U Next Tuesday
C U Next Tuesday
5 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Can’t wait for the karma story!!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Ooh can’t wait!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago

UK Chump… I want to buy you a pint… you are sooooo MIGHTY!

THIS: “He should be scared of what YOU do next. Don’t let this idiot intimidate you. You’re doing EXACTLY the right thing — he wants your pain, your pick me dance, and you’re giving him nothing. You take that £110 and add it to your financial settlement. Line item that shit. He can explain his pre-emptive division of assets to his lawyer.”

These fuckwits HATE… I mean HATE… when we realize we CAN stand up to them and then we do it!

I played nice for the first year after the discard thinking that since he hadn’t filed, he might come back. Then I realized (after discovering CL and CN)… that I didn’t want him back. My Grinch story became:

“Then the Chump thought of something she hadn’t before? Get a divorce and an upheld prenuptial agreement, she thought, while she changed the locks on the door! What if hiring a pitbull lawyer… perhaps… meant unforeseen happiness and relief she never had before?!”

Feel the fear… do it anyway. Fear is a liar.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
5 years ago

Hahahaaaa – talk about schadenfreude!

As much as it hurt and as much of an asshole he tried to be, the net result?

Mama has a shiny, CheaterFREE Christmas tree!

And The Whore gets another family’s used trees and baubles. The setup you crafted is now in Whore’s living room, reminding her of you with every shimmer and sparkle – mocking her – during the most wonderful time of the year. Every time she gets up to pee in the middle of the night… every evening, while she watches TV… when she opens her eyes after a nap on the couch… the glow of your tree, SLAPPING that whore in the face like a Big Dick of Good Cheer. Hahaaaaa! Fantastic.

Rock your CheaterfreeTree this year!

C U Next Tuesday
C U Next Tuesday
5 years ago

Hahaha!! Almost spat out my coffee! ????????

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
5 years ago

How The Whore sees your trees:comment image

And she has to pretend to LOVE it? Haha. It’s just too perfect.

Meow Mix
Meow Mix
5 years ago

Love it! Seriously, doesn’t the OW already have a Christmas tree? And imagine she sees the box and it’s obvious it’s a used tree…that him and his wife and kid sat under and decorated!! Shouldn’t the OW be creeped out!!! I’d be thinking, “WHat would Jesus think!”

The STBX is shallow. He’s just thinking that it’s HIS tree and HE is entitled to it. And he’s wants to piss you off. He can triangulate you against the OW, add to his sad sausage story with her, and show your daughter how unreasonable you are and impossible to live with…becuase that is HIS tree! And bonus points…if you get pissed…then there’s bonus points that he still pulls your puppet stings and is significant in your life.

So…don’t fall for it. Grey rock. Make new traditions.

Yes. All cheaters love to ruin holidays and birthdays and do shit to unstablize you…so they feel normal.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
5 years ago

And pleasing The Cheater will be something she HAS to do, because I’m sure he’s so proud of himself for it! She’ll have to pretend to LOVE it. OMG – this is too much. Instant Karma.

chumpfor12
chumpfor12
5 years ago

UKchump, you get a standing ovation from me! You are a class act and the perfect example of what to do! Applause, applause, and more applause! I wish you the absolute happiest Christmas ever, you deserve it tenfold!

OtherChumpWoman
OtherChumpWoman
5 years ago

That is cold.
I’ll contribute to your tree fund.
The worst months of my life were spent separated, in the basement. My cell phone did not get good reception and sound traveled easily. EXhusband could be heard whistling “I will survive ” when he would return from a date.
It is torture to share space while separated with a POS entitled grinch doppelganger.
Peace on Earth.

ukchump
ukchump
5 years ago

Oh god, the whistling. My cheater does this. Whistles and sings at the top of his voice like he hasn’t a care in the world! Makes my stomach turn.

DavidB
DavidB
5 years ago

Four years ago on Christmas Day, while showing off our almost complete “dream home”, I found text on her phone from her 26 year old boytoy. He was telling her he was going to decorate her face with a certain male fluid. Turns out she had her 44 year old porn girl self in action three nights earlier. Needless to say I have zero use for this time of year. That being said, don’t be me! Keep on kicking ass! Great job on the tree! Love to see stories of turning the tables on these sick people!

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
5 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

DavidB:

Reading your story was painful. It’s no wonder you feel the way you do about celebrating Christmas.

My XH dumped me right before Thanksgiving for Married Howorker; with one selfish stroke (pun intended), he ruined Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday), quickly followed by Christmas, New Year’s, and our wedding anniversary (January 8th).

In the six years since, I’ve chosen to opt out of all of it. No parties, no decorating, no eggnog. Nada. Not exactly a “Bah humbug”, but more of a “No thanks, I’ll pass this time around“. Last year, I finally donated most of the holiday stuff that had been lurking in my basement, including the once-beloved “Our First Christmas” ornament.

Most of the year, I pretty successfully reside in Meh (Zero Contact is golden!), but as mid-November approaches, I seem to slip back into an annual state of malaise. For Thanksgiving this year, I declined two separate invites; I just couldn’t go and pretend to be cheery, feeling like a conspicuous third wheel (“Who is that woman and who invited her?“). So I had an egg salad sandwich for dinner and went to bed; another year done.

As for Christmas, I know my children are quietly disappointed when they visit me, and my house looks like it always does… neat, clean and completely unadorned, save for the wreath I usually put on my front door. Occasionally, they’ll ask why I haven’t put up a tree and I have a litany of excuses (all very practical, but still lame). In the end, I think it makes them feel sad that I’m choosing to sit alone on the sidelines.

But this morning, after reading UKChump’s story about how she bravely reclaimed Christmas, I may actually have had a change of heart. Since my XH left, I’ve worked very hard to rebuild and create a new life for myself… one that feels authentic and feeds my soul. But for whatever reason, I didn’t see that I could also rebuild the holidays; he’s not even here anymore, but I’ve stupidly allowed him to continue to steal my joy. This passive resignation is so unlike me; I am an active, passionate, “get her done” type of person, not someone who just lays down and accepts defeat.

So this year, I’m going to make it happen. I’m done thinking that “the holidays suck”. I’m going to transform what was a truly dark and dreaded time of year for me into something that’s had new life breathed into it. DavidB, I don’t know where you live, but if you were close by, I’d invite you over to kick ass with me.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

UPDATE:

Thanks to all for your support!

After taking a good look at my living room (the biggest room in my little bungalow), I sadly do not have a single space for a Christmas tree! But I won’t be deterred; I will modify, adapt and be flexible, and figure out a new way to spruce up my house with holiday cheer. It’s time to get creative!

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

My grandmother, when she got older, had SPACE for a tree but not the ability to bring one home and set it up… and she was NOT one to call on her family to do things for her.

She had theeeee mossssst BEAUTIFUL tabletop trees! They were small enough that should could manage it herself, were an easy height to water, turn the lights on and off, and she perfected it throughout the season with little additions. Gorgeous. Maybe you could have the family over to make gingerbread-cookie ornaments with you, string popcorn and cranberries, bring and hook pinecones, and you can all dress the tree together?

Very like this… https://mandarinastudio.wordpress.com/2010/12/07/tabletop-tree/

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
5 years ago

insistonhonesty:

Thanks for the suggestion; I will investigate! In the meantime, I’ve already started on my journey of rejuvenation. This afternoon, I bought two beautiful mailbox swags; one went over my mailbox on the front porch, and the other was so large and beautiful, I placed it horizontally on my living room fireplace mantle and adorned it with fresh holly berries, cinnamon pinecones and white star-shaped candles. I also purchased a gorgeous boxwood wreath for my front door, and jazzed it up with some artificial pears and grapes, pine cones, and some cool silver swizzle! That prompted me to go down into the basement, and dig out the Christmas stockings (the XH’s was tossed the first Christmas after D-Day), the holiday towels, and some other holiday doodads. I wish I had the ability to add some photos here so I could share my progress. On tomorrow’s agenda? Poinsettias! I’m on my way — anyone want to join me?

Chris W.
Chris W.
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

MyRed – Fake it till you make it! The holidays are a muscle memory, like everything else. Get some decorations out, buy some new ones! Even if you have not one person over to your house, YOU are enough & special to enjoy some holiday cheer!

TooSmartforthisShit
TooSmartforthisShit
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

The first year I had to do Christmas without my son because he would be with my ex I was sure it would be dreadful. I thought about just pretending it wasn’t happening – staying in bed until it had past. But instead I signed up to volunteer dropping off gifts at a local hospital the afternoon of Christmas eve, driving shut ins and seniors to Christmas eve services, serving breakfast at a local homeless shelter Christmas morning. I was not the same as having Christmas with my boy – but it made the holiday bearable. It’s my “off year” tradition for all the holidays now.

Monkey Eyes
Monkey Eyes
5 years ago

You are a good person and inspiring. I will be spending Christmas alone this year and I will try to follow your lead.

TooSmartforthisShit
TooSmartforthisShit
5 years ago
Reply to  Monkey Eyes

Monkey,

I don’t know if doing good deeds “because FUCK him if I’ll sit home crying fucking asshat” really qualifies me as a good person. But at least some people benefit from it. I just hope it balances out some of the bad karma I’m due for the ugly thoughts I have had toward him.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago

Deciding to channel negative emotions into positive actions definitely gets you “good people” points. I mean, you could have decided to go set a dumpster on fire because you were feeling angry, or go to the Mall Santa Booth and loudly announce that Santa was fake. Instead, you did something nice for someone. Good for you.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Sandals, I felt EXACTLY like you. I used to love to bake for the holiday. Now I cringe to look at cookie sheets.

But UK Chump’s defiance also changed my mind and heart. As Chump Lady says, don’t let the jackasses occupy our mental real estate. And that includes these festive days. They DO NOT belong to creeps. Have a nice time with your family. I bet the will be happy if you put up the tiniest tree.

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

That brought tears to my eyes. My aunt gave Dickhead and I that says

Dickhead & MissBailey
August 5, 2000

I loved that ornament and loved that man. Damn him for being a despicable human being. This first holiday season is a hard one. I’m still taking one day and one step at a time.

unexpectedchumpiness
unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

MissBailey,

Cheater Exhole had given me three absolutely beautiful glass etched ornaments for our Dec 5th, 2017 anniversary. Speaking of, our 2018 anniversary is in two days and we go to court…Happy Anniversary. Ironic. Anyway, one of them was of the kids, another of him and I together, etc. I went to decorate the tree a few days ago, saw the ornaments and each one I pulled out made me more and more sick to my stomach. And sadly, even the ones of the kids still pisses me off. So many of my ornaments were special as he had been giving me one or two a year plus others that were gifted to us from friends and family. I put up 6 non-exhole ornaments and then packed up the rest and set them to the side. Fuck him. My tree can just stay like that this year.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
5 years ago

I understand completely. I kept the beautiful ornaments related to our marriage for a few years. Some of them were hand painted and lovely. It seemed wrong to toss them. Some of them were beloved by the kids, and their sentimental attachment to them was different than mine. I’d put them aside each year, but I wasn’t getting rid of them.

Christmas is such a family holiday for me, and spending it as a single parent is among the harder slogs, so I’ve been slower to strip it of all the EX’s traces. I don’t want the EX back, but I do still yearn at Christmas for the Norman Rockwell version of the holiday. I may not miss my miserable holidays with him, but I do miss my dream of a family all having a great holiday together.

Finally, last year, as I packed up the tree, I tossed all the ornaments attached to the EX. No more ghosts in the ornament box this year. I tossed the tree too. I’m seven years out, and this year it is a new tree!

unexpectedchumpiness
unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Red,

I love this! Reclaim that shit and make it even more awesome than it used to be!!!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
5 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Your journey makes a lot of sense to me. I think you’re healing from the inside, to the external. You’re ready to turn a new page, good for you!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
5 years ago

I had Christmas intentionally destroyed for me during my divorce, too.

I spent it alone, but refused to allow anyone to see the pain. I just focused on getting my divorce over.

I KINGS 22 30 “I will disguise myself and enter the battle”

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
5 years ago

My ex HATED Christmas. Made every Christmas miserable. Anyway, I’m the divorce proceedings he attempted to sue me for half the Christmas decorations! WTF??

Adelante (formerly Trying for Mighty)
Adelante (formerly Trying for Mighty)
5 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Yes to this. Mine did this, too. Every year it was like pulling teeth to get him to go out and get a tree and decorate it. And we’re not talking the day after Thanksgiving here; I mean the 15th, 17th, 18th of December! He would bestir himself only because our son would come over to help decorate it. He was as bad about taking it down, so most years I did it myself. He never bought an ornament in 35 years of marriage (he had about a half dozen he’d inherited from his family). I, on the other hand, bought an ornament every year for our son (and often one from my now-ex), every year my mother sent us each an ornament, and often his sister would send one to each of us, too.
Yet when we started the divorce process and dividing things, what was one of the two things he stuck out his bottom lip and insisted on? “His” Christmas ornaments! I’ll be surprised if he even buys a tree…or maybe I won’t, because buying one and decorating it will be his way of showing how I kept him from being happy all those years.

Survivor
Survivor
5 years ago

Fucktard x’s bright idea of getting a tree one year was to wait until close to midnight on Christmas Eve. When the tree lot was closed, he jumped the fence, grabbed a tree, pitched it over the fence and climbed back over behind it. I was horrified. He was proud that he’d gotten something for nothing, and claimed that it wasn’t stealing because they were just going to throw away the ones nobody wanted anyway.

I should have run like my hair was on fire. Instead, I tried to explain that we could well afford to BUY a tree, and that putting one up so late when we were expecting HIS ENTIRE FAMILY for Christmas the next day was really inconvenient. What a chump I was.

Peachy Again Soon
Peachy Again Soon
5 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

He moved out November 1. I ran a business in the home and always decorated for Christmas and threw a Christmas party for my students, so I decorated that year. All of the decorations were stored on a large shelf over the garage door so I had to ask his help in getting them down so I could decorate. He told me that when I had everything down and packed in January he would come back over to put the decorations back on the big shelf – but that I needed to divide the decorations and keep them separate since it would be easier to go ahead and get that done before storing them. I did. I got rid of the “First Christmas” 1984 ornament, the “First Christmas In Our New Home” ornament, old broken ones, things we hadn’t used in years, and split out his from before we were married and gave him some I didn’t care for. Kept everything I liked and loved. Told him he could come over and move them to the shelf and then I waited. In February I asked a friend to come over and we got my decorations up on the shelf. In March I told him he had 2 weeks to come over to store the rest or I was giving them away. He didn’t come until late April – by then I had chucked a bunch of his stuff. He ended up with a tree and some outdoor decor – not sure what he ever did about ornaments. And I really don’t care.

Jojobee
Jojobee
5 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

When you find yourself having to explain how to be a decent human being to an adult, yes, you should “run like your hair is on fire!”

Monkey Eyes
Monkey Eyes
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

You nailed it with that comment! How many times have we all had to explain how to be normal to our disordered exes? Seriously, how many irrational, round and round and round the crazy bus asinine conversations have we had explaining how their behavior is not normal for an adult? Ugh. May we all never need to explain how to be an adult to anyone ever again!

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
5 years ago
Reply to  Monkey Eyes

“May we all never need to explain how to be an adult to anyone ever again!”

^^^^THIS!^^^^

Thank you Monkey Eyes (Love your moniker!), Survivor and Jojobee for your thoughts on ‘explaining’ the ‘adulting’ thing. BTDT! Ugh!!! NEVER again…..

Survivor
Survivor
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Presumed adult. I know better now. Entitled people are developmentally stunted. He was as delighted with himself as the little girl who stole my pencil box in second grade.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
5 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Sorry!!! *IN

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
5 years ago

UKChump, you are soooo mighty right now! I love that you rallied, got out there, and found a tree for you and your daughter. The cost sucks, but maybe your family can help you, and call that a Christmas gift?
I actually think this worked out like it was supposed to- you found out early enough to go get a tree, you did it stealthily, and as a bonus, he gets to be surprised (and maybe a little amazed) when he walks in! Don’t buy in to the fear, he must have enjoyed scaring you in your ‘marriage’, but it’s a new day now. Time to be a tower of strength.
My Christmas wish for you is peace, and that he spends very little time at your home! On to the finish line! (And be careful)

nodancing
nodancing
5 years ago

My X came and took the tree stand and I didn’t know until I was looking for it before we went to cut a tree. This is funny because OW is allergic to Christmas trees so they have to have a fake tree which does not need a stand.

mightyme...
mightyme...
5 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

When I got home on Friday afternoon, my ex was there picking up the boys to take for his weekend. I got in the house and I was like where is your dad and they said oh he’s in the attic. He comes down w/ a big box of Christmas lights/decor and tree stand. I didn’t care about anything but the stand and I said, I need that stand. He seemed surprised and was like oh you are getting a tree? I said yes, and he said a “real one”? I said when have I ever had a fake tree ever? Idiot. They are all idiots.

NOMORECOUCHSLUG
NOMORECOUCHSLUG
5 years ago

My ex used to do things like this to me….take my things (things I know where they were) and move them to screw with my head, and in one case, gave his girlfriend one of my collectible Muppet figures (ironically, not the Miss Piggy one, which she resembles).

What I would do if I were you UKChump if he acts like you forgot where the old Christmas tress were to screw with your head, screw with his head right back! Convince him that YOU threw out those ratty old trees and replaced them yourself! It was your idea the whole time. It was time to get rid of all of the old useless stuff in your house and upgrade, you were just starting with the trees….You gave those old useless trees to charity….some poor helpless uninspired woman that can’t do for herself took them off your hands for you. Out with the old, in with the new!

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
5 years ago

Nothing stings liars and sneaks like the truth…

Cheater, acting all surprised: Oh my goodness… where have the trees and Christmas decorations gone?

Chump, nonchalantly: You took them last week.

Cheater: ::stutters, feigns shock:: What? Oh no… well, I just moved them t-

Chump interrupts: Whatever. I have a new tree now.

Cheater retreats to rage and lick wounds in privacy.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago

Yeah, don’t fight crazy with crazy. Just be factual and unimpressed. This is just the latest in a long string of fuckery from him, and you’re not even surprised when he does shit like this any more, just annoyed.

Hop skip and chump
Hop skip and chump
5 years ago

My cheater threw out my tree as well!

I had to buy a new one and was so stressed at the time due to the expense, but I wasn’t going to let him ruin Christmas. Two years later (still hashing out nonexistent financials) and I had nearly forgotten…

It truly does get better! There are ups and downs, to be sure, but I agree with Unicornnomore that cheating is only one abuse. So glad to be away from that grinch!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago

When this came up in the forum the other day I saw a very smart response that said when he comes around demanding to know why you bought a new tree to simply say, “This old thing? I have had it a while and just decided to put it up this year.” Don’t acknowledge the theft at all. No drama kibbles for him. Pure grey rock. It may indeed make him stroke out. He doesn’t get to punish and control for even one more minute.

And then put it as a line item on the division of assets.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
5 years ago

This one just made feel ill. What a jackass. Hang in there, UKChump!

NurseMeh
NurseMeh
5 years ago

It’s right up there with stealing pennies off a dead man’s eyes. What next? Is he gonna mug Santa Clause & Rudolph for the sleigh of Christmas presents? Hijack the Easter bunny?Stealing his child’s Christmas tree from the home Unbelievable! #unoriginallowlifefuckingskumbagscroogingtwat

Mikky
Mikky
5 years ago

Ah yes, Xmas provides such an extra special ‘sparkly’ backdrop for Cheater dramas. Mine, now thankfully over for five years included a Boxing Day confession from a drunk ( relapsed ) XH that apart from the drinking, he’d been stealing from me to pay for sex workers. Puts a whole new meaning on Ho, Ho, Ho. Sadly ( Chump learning point) this was not the moment at which I walked. It was a cold, snowy Xmas and I wanted to forgive, believe in new beginnings. Turn this ‘lost’, pissed man toward a New Year and a new start. I’d probably just watched The Christmas Carol. You don’t need me to tell you what happened next….

Anyway Ukchump, Xmas like the infidelity pain is finite. If you keep to the Chump side of the street ( document/grey rock/ignore etc) you’ll be OK and get through it. Think how you’ll celebrate Easter, The Summer Solstice or any other Holiday- without a Grinch ex.

Nemo
Nemo
5 years ago
Reply to  Mikky

The message of ‘A Christmas Carol’ is, it takes a miracle to reform a sociopath.

Out West
Out West
5 years ago

My ex’s birthday is Christmas Day. It was always very stressful. Full formal dinner, and his cheating, narcissistic father who called his wife ‘mommy’. The Christmas before I filed, my ex left the house mid morning after presents were opened because ‘I deserve some me time on my birthday’. My daughter and I backed three cakes, trying to get his favorite birthday cake ‘perfect’. He was 3 hours late and when I was upset he swore at me. I was cooking a beef tenderloin and he loomed over me, stating loudly that ‘I told you not to effing over cook it’. That was it, I told him to ‘go eff himself in front of his mother and my kuds’ What an awful dinner. Of course he had spent the afternoon with schmoopie.

The following Christmas, we were, ‘separated in house’. My girlfriend (who was also divorcing. Our ex’s are best friends ) and I traded Christmas break for Easter break. She and I asked our ex’s to leave for Christmas Eve and morning. We celebrated with our kids and then left for the airport. We booked a cheap vacation in Mexico online. When we got to the resort we found we were booked in the ‘honeymoon suite’ and the staff thought we were a loving lesbian couple’.

That year my ex refused to take the tree down. In March I wrested it out the front door. In April my girlfriend and I took four kids to trek the Grand Canyon.

My point, UK Chump, is we do what we have to. It gets so much better.

Ell493
Ell493
5 years ago
Reply to  Out West

That’s awesome that you went to Mexico! I hate the “living together but separate” situation. I’m living it now. I wish I was rich so I could leave immediately!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Out West

Three hours late and he wonders why the tenderloin was overcooked. In this rare instance, I think it was good that you told him to eff off in front of everyone. Let them see you not being a doormat. Even us chumps have our limits. You were well within your rights in that instance.

Justanotherchump
Justanotherchump
5 years ago

You did the right thing – you are unstoppable!
Your daughter might have a Cindy Lou Who moment:
“Santy Clause, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, WHY?”
Let the Grinch explain!

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
5 years ago

Another dickweed stole a Christmas tree story:
At the time of his eviction from my home POP (Predatory Opportunistic Parasite), took the box that contained my 12′ Christmas tree. Actually it contained the bottom 2/3 of the tree. I had used the top section as a small tree the previous year and it was stored elsewhere.

It turned out that due to his not paying the fees for the storage unit my tree was stored in, it got sold along with ALL his worldly possessions– for pennies on the dollar. Those possessions lost included thousands of dollars of designer clothing, shoes and other luxury goods. His stuff was put in the storage unit because immediately after being evicted, he was moving into the local homeless shelter. From my seven figure home to a homeless shelter within 3 hours time….Ouch.

Karma for him has been a real beyatch far beyond losing the above. Two convictions for drunken driving have put a real crimp in his predatory living off of women lifestyle. One would imagine it’s hard to get any woman to date you if you have to blow into a device to get your car to start……..

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
5 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Not only did he steal my Christmas tree, he managed to ‘steal’ Christmas by (just like Kathleen’s post below), he walked out just as I was about to serve the Christmas dinner I had slaved over for hours. Freshly showered claiming he was going to deliver a gift to the man who owned the gym we went to. (Yeah, I know-of course I was livid and knew what he was up to). He came back 7 hours later drunken and expecting me to be served the meal. Imagine my response.

THEN, on New Years Eve we were at a dinner/dance affair. Dressed to the nines, him looking incredibly handsome in one of his 3 custom tuxes. It was a magical night. Just after midnight, I excused myself to the ladies room. Upon my return he announced he’d gotten a call that his best friend had been in a car accident and his wife had called asking if he would ‘come watch the kids while she was at the hospital’. Yeah right. Instead of changing into street clothes when we went back to my house to drop me off, he remained in his tux and took nothing with him–no change of clothes, toiletries, etc. He remained gone for days, refusing to acknowledge my calls or texts. He returned the following Monday–right after his whore had to go back to work.

It’s taken me years to be able to tolerate Christmas or New Years Eve. It wasn’t only him that always ruined them—my husband did also–not by cheating but by being a nasty tempered asshole.

Life is SOO much better without toxic, self centered narcissistic men it in.

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

HeSatAtTheCurb

I’m so sorry you had a similar experience on Christmas ????. It’s difficult now 3 years later that
I can even recall the pain I felt that day. These ex spouses were the devil but we never recognized them as such. I hope you are living a better life without the cruel selfish narcissist. I’m trying also. Enjoy the holidays & take care of yourself.
((Hugs)) ❤️

Monkey Eyes
Monkey Eyes
5 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

OMG! He is the worst! Karma will find him. He is wretched and a horrible, horrible, horrible person.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
5 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

I love stories like this one so much.

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago

Christmas Day while I was preparing dinner for the family stbex came into kitchen all showered dressed exiting for the door. I said “ where are you going.. it’s Christmas!” He said “Do what you have to do, I’m not
stopping. Going to a Christmas party “.
That was the last Christmas together. The following summer I served him divorce papers. I was humiliated & in pain entire day but I had to hide it from my son.
He not only stole the holiday but 34 years of a marriage I thought I had. He moved into Whores home after living in our basement until buying him out of our house.
Last year whore died & he quickly moved into a 82 year old woman’s apartment. Hopefully his Christmas
from now on will be miserable.

Luziana
Luziana
5 years ago

UK Chump, you might not feel mighty but you are! The best thing you can to to combat attempts at gaslighting is to NOT react in the way your abuser is banking on.

I have told this story before, but I’ll keep telling it for new Chumps. Cold Slab O’Meat moved all his things in one day with a big box truck by himself. No “friends” (Ha he had none! Even work acquainatances were not going to help him shack up with a coworker) came to help him, and I told him in no uncertain terms that Ho Baby was not setting foot on my property. He asked my son to help and my son refused.

Cold Slab had a shitty white Wal-Mart Tree when we met, full of dark red generic plastic dobbers. He was very proud of that piece of shit, and I even let it be “our” tree for three Christamases because he loved telling people he used to be a window dresser at a trendy clothes shop in Cardiff, Wales. It was one way for him to feel like my house was his home too. Although I had a massive collection of special real ornaments. Over the years I added special ornaments for his daughter.

He was in such a hurry to free fuck Schmoopie he left everything behind. He left his daughters baby keepsakes behind! when it came time, I bought a really nice quality tree at Goodwill and some red lights at Target. I carefully sorted his ornaments from mine, and packed them in nice boxes. I managed to not cry the entire time. I left white tree and the boxes for him in the shed to pick up when he got to it.

I was only on social media with my stepdaughter at that point, but a few days later I got a nasty email from the ex accusing me of stealing his Christmas tree ornaments and making my stepdaughter cry because we would have a ‘nice Christmas” and she wouldn’t. And stepdaughter was sad all the time now because of me.

If you’re a new chump, you’d have to take a minute to not absorb the monstrosity of that. But somehow I did. I wrote back that every Christmas thing he owned was packed neatly and waiting to be picked up in the shed, just tell me when he was coming so I could unlock it. That he has no more and no less than the decorations he had when we met. And that I had nothing to do with his daughter’s sadness, he was 100% responsible for blowing up his daughter’s life and it was ridiculous for him to tell her I stole things, that if she looks closely at the photos of our tree nothing of theirs is on it.And I won’t apologize for having “a nice Christmas.” He chose this for all of us.

He came to get his ornaments from the unlocked shed where I told them they would be and then sent another nasty email saying they weren’t there. Because he was looking in the garbage can enclosure and not the locked shed? Because I would leave Hallmark Ornaments I bought for SD in a garbage pen??? He actually said that he didn’t look in the actual unlocked shed that I told him to look in because he “didn’t want to invade my privacy.” Because what? I would be fellating myself with a drill bit in there in a desperate bid to replace his LOVE?

Looking back, I see the entire episode as a massive bid for centrality and blameshifting. You borrow money from your 83 year old dad to move out to a shitty apartment with your impregnated coworker (still a secret from everyone) and then attempt to make your wife a Grinch character to your daughter when she tell you how awful everything is.

Friends, it was at that point I decided that I just wasn’t going to be on the line anytime Cold Slab wanted to yank a chain for giggles. He would have been happy to quibble over every mundane detail of the pile of nothing we owned, but I went No Contact.

And OH, I sent a message to my stepdaughter too, letting her know that Daddy was mistaken, all her Christmas decorations had already been packed up, including the Special Year ornaments I had bought for her, and Daddy must have forgotten to come get them, and she was welcome to come see our new tree and lights anytime.

That is how you deal with a Narcissist. Everything is so exhausting with them, though. I do not pity the Sluterus. That’s what she got for Christmas. A partner who will lie to her face. It’s perfect.

Thea
Thea
5 years ago

Posted in forum as well but in case others do not read that thread I really think it is important that everyone is aware that this situation is getting worse and I do have concerns about safety. Domestic violence is a very serious problem and often victims are taken by surprise by someone who they were sure would never physically harm a fly! This is my comment from the forum:

UK Chump, I think you are just fantastic and so strong and mighty just to go out and get another tree! I have been following your story in the forums tho and I saw where you posted that this morning he removed the only tv and sky box from the wall so that you and dd have no tv to watch!

My concern is that even though stealing the trees was the height of mean grinchiness your cheater now seems to be escalating. I agree with others who have said he is hoping to get a reaction from you, most likely trying to paint you as crazy or justify his leaving, who knows what creepy reasons he has. I do have some fear for your safety though. This is not your typical cheater nastiness, this is above and beyond! Who leaves a child with no t.v esp. at Christmas with all the fun holiday shows?

Please protect yourself and dd. This cheater I think is certifiably crazy. And PLEASE document all this, take videos if you can, write it down, whatever, but do NOT let him know you are doing this and keep evidence somewhere he can never find it, preferably with someone else, at family or friends house!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Thea

Maybe a restraining order will get him out of the house? And use this to show that he is unstable and try and get full custody of daughter too so he can’t harm her either. I don’t know how the law works in the UK (or even in the US really), but you really need a good solicitor right now.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
5 years ago
Reply to  Thea

Wise words. Yes, he could do anything, and is getting angrier.
Maybe move out, even if it’s to a friends basement? You never know what a Narc has planned.

Danni Smith
Danni Smith
5 years ago

I don’t know why this popped into my ‘there gotta be a way to get this piece of flotsam’? I imagine UK Chump gets her family and friends together and go stand in front of schoopie’s abode serenading with Christmas Carols with a slightly altered composition: On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me her xmas trees’, on the second day of xmas my twu luv gave to me, 2 penis covers, and her xmas trees, on the third day of xmas my twu woov gave to me, 3 bad blow jobs, 2 penis covers and her xmas trees, etc. etc. I say this in the Christmas spirit of turn the other cheek. (the note extension falls on the word her, e.g., herrrrrrr.)

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Danni Smith

Timing might work better if it goes “on the 5th day of Christmas my Twu Wuv gave to me herrr Chritmas trees”. That verse always stands out among the rest because of the change in tempo.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
5 years ago

UKChump, I agree with others who recommend acting very nonchalant about the whole thing and calmly telling him you purchased new tree to replace the ones he stole to give his OW.

I also had to remain living in marital home with ex-cheater for five months after D-day, and it was also around Christmastime (our official date of separation was Dec 15). During that time, cheater’s boss gave ME a $200 gift card for a local fancy spa, as a thank-you for putting up with all the overtime ex-cheater worked. Of course, cheater abruptly quit that job just a couple months later to pursue his “dream” of becoming a famous actor, but that’s a whole other story too well known here.

Before I had a chance to use the gift card, cheater stole it off my desk and gave it to his OW.

MrsVain
MrsVain
5 years ago

May i suggest the OP getting a storage unit until after her divorce is final. (my apologies if this has already been suggested. i havent read all the comments yet)

if your husband is stealing stuff then you need to get some kind of storage off the premises and where only you have the key. start taking out the things that are really special and sentiment to yourself and put in storage. Cheaters love to break or take those things, not because they want them but because those things mean something to you. you can take these things out when he is at work and he will never notice (because they dont really mean anything to him in the first place).

Things like your daughters baby pictures. pictures of your mom/dad and grandparents. Baby blankets, your grand dads war medal. your great aunts quilts she made for you. maybe you have hertiage items, like that dinner plate your great great grandparent smuggled from england. or maybe your mothers baptismal gown. .. . also make sure you have all the important documents stored away also. your birth certificate and ss card. your daughters birth certificate and ss card. titles to your vehicle. shot records. and anything else.

if he is capable of stealing your christmas tree, just to hurt your feelings. he is capable of doing so much more.. .. dont give him that power. protect yourself and your daughter.

good luck

P.S. can you maybe start hinting at what a wonderful christmas gift it would be for his OW if he moved in with her? if you make it sound like HIS idea, he might just believe it.

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  MrsVain

It’s amazing isn’t it that the only things that ever got broken (by him) in this house were my things. A silly example I know but I bought a pretty table cloth for our garden table, put it out and then looked at my kids and said “how long before that gets spoiled”? Well about 15 minutes actually. Cigarette burns from that cigarette that just “happened” to fall out of the ash tray!

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
5 years ago

Reminds me of my ex taking my Kuerig that he had previously given me as a X-mas present and he took it and doesn’t even drink or like coffee. Having to live with these monsters is absolutely the worst! And I like you felt fear everytime I took things into my own hands. It’s weird isn’t it. What else were you supposed to do but why do you feel fear? My ex took over 3k from our account during our separation this was supposed to be used for mortgage since we were both still living in house. Boy did I feel fear when I went to the bank and closed that account and took the rest of the money to pay the bills.. And why, why did I feel fear, I was forced to go that distance.

Look on the bright side… A new tree with your own new memories! I get the fear but it will come to an end… just hang in there!

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

My brother found a one-and-only picture of our mom at about age 13 riding a bike. He had copies made for all the brothers and sisters. When the ex left he packed it with his stuff because “it’s a photo of MY mom”. To which I asked how come my siblings all had copies and didn’t his mom have curly hair when the young girl in the photo had straight hair. He also wanted to take a photo of my paternal grandfather (the only one we have) in uniform taken during WWI. It was about 100 years old at the time and printed on solid card, not paper. He knew it was my granddad (it had his name and medals listed on the back) but he was going to take it! I think he knew he was dicing with death when he tried to pull that stunt. But seriously? What sentimental value could it have had for him? None, of course, he just wanted to hurt me!

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

UKChump–document, document, document. Go take a picture of the empty place in the garage where the Christmas trees were. Take a picture of your current tree from all angles (cheater is quite likely to damage it); document when he takes your daughter to OWhore’s house. Send everything to a secure location (OneDrive, through at least 2 email accounts). A better settlement may be in your stocking.

Whatever cheater does, keep rocking that grey rock, for two reasons: 1-once cheater sees your new tree, he will know you have won this battle. An abuser will then ratchet up the abuse because he/she cannot stand to lose. They will eventually become dangerous.