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UBT: “I Want to Dive Into You”

Dear Chump Lady,

I am currently in the divorce process with my cheating wife. We have been married for 15 years, with 4 kids. This summer, she started an affair with a friend of ours, the husband of a close friend of hers, and the godfather to one of our kids. You know, the kind of friend we’ve had over for barbecues, and our kids played together with their two kids. We have been living futher away from them for the past few years but my wife traveled to see family there once a year and stayed with the Other Man’s family for a few days every summer.

The OM quickly threw my wife under the bus a couple of months later, when his wife threatened to divorce. I am proud to have chosen to leave a cheater myself, nevertheless, even after some very feeble attempts at making me plan B.

Now, luckily (?) my wife is spectacularly bad at secrecy, so I found a letter that the OM wrote to my wife, from a train, on the way to her for a secret hotel meeting. He wrote this a few days after their first encounter “just happened” (as my wife was staying with my small kids at their house and the other wife was sleeping next door in the same house. Classy.)

The OM is from Europe, and the letter is written in a language commonly known for being wooden. However, I guarantee you it’s him, not the language. This has been written not by a 15-year-old, but by a man in his late 40s, after having spent two hook-up evenings with my wife. He’s a father of two, she’s a mother of four. His day job is being a middling federal bureaucrat, so it must have released all these bottled-up feelings. I should divorce my wife for bad taste more than anything else.

I have translated the letter into English, see below. Now, usually, when my resolve to divorce wobbles, I look at the letter, and it stiffens my spine. However, a UBT treatment would go far towards stiffening it further.

Here we go:

“Dear (Schmoopie),

Now we have exchanged so many emails, but I feel the need to write a “real” letter to you, without auto-correction, a real letter, which is being created on a train, on the way to you, to this meeting I have longed for, hoped for feverishly. The day has finally come despite turbulences and obstacles in our way.

Our meeting, our closeness, our diving into each other in our letters, our tentative first touch, our first, searching kiss, the longing, the fear, but most of all the beating together of our two hearts is so incredibly beautiful, a happiness which I have never felt before, and it represents such a richness which I had never hoped for, and it lets everything else pale in comparison.

I am feverishly expecting the moment in which I will stand before you, and see you, feel you, will be overwhelmed by you: By your eyes, you mouth, your hands, the sound of your voice, and, most of all: The feeling to be closer to you than to anyone else, the feeling that I have already discovered so much that’s incredibly beautiful about you, and I have the great wish to discover so much more about you. You have shown me what it means to meet another human being, to dive into them totally, to lose yourself in them, to feel protected, and to be able to really open up to them. I have never in my life before had the feeling of unconditional trust I have for you.

We have known each other for twelve years now. I can remember so many moments in which the two of us spoke, when I looked at you, and I know I never allowed myself to see you as a woman. I saw a married wife, who is unreachable for me, who is building a large family, and who, although I had always registered a tension, and I thought that something was missing, wanted to continue on that road.

And now I hope that we can find our way together, even if it won’t be easy. But I hope that it will work out. I want to live my love for you with you.

Yours, OM

P.S. Written on the train to Cheatertown, to you.”

This was written a couple of months before he dumped my cheating wife…

Regards,

Peter

Dear Peter,

Wow. “Without autocorrect.” What woman doesn’t thrill to the reckless abandonment of typos? I luv u ghpz mutc!

I really do have to thank you for sending this in, because the UBT has been hiding in a corner, refusing to touch Esther Perel’s interview in the latest New Yorker: “Love Is Not a Permanent State of Being” — unlike fuckwittery, which apparently is immutable. Anyway…

Guess that whole “unconditional trust” thing didn’t work out for your cheater, huh? Maybe you oughta forward her that Perel nugget.

To the UBT…

Now we have exchanged so many emails, but I feel the need to write a “real” letter to you, without auto-correction, a real letter, which is being created on a train,

It was the A14 Eastbound train. 7:56 a.m. Platform 9. An Amtrak Genesis P40DC 83 carriage. Circa 2003.

My prose is unbound!

on the way to you, to this meeting I have longed for, hoped for feverishly. The day has finally come despite turbulences and obstacles in our way.

Obstacles like my wife and children sleeping nearby. Okay, in the same house. The day has finally come! #shh

Our meeting, our closeness, our diving into each other in our letters, our tentative first touch, our first, searching kiss, the longing, the fear, but most of all the beating together of our two hearts is so incredibly beautiful, a happiness which I have never felt before, and it represents such a richness which I had never hoped for, and it lets everything else pale in comparison.

My wife and children just pale compared to receiving one of your emails. Their sticky little fingers and mewling needs,  their insistence that I look up from my phone RIGHT NOW as they show me some pathetic backflip off a diving board — is nothing compared to diving into you and your pixels. Your beautiful, beautiful pixels.

It represents such a richness I had never hoped for. #iamacliche #2<3sbeatas1 #clicheuponcliche #ahappinessihaveneverfeltbefore #clichejenga

I am feverishly expecting the moment in which I will stand before you,

I am syphilitic.

and see you, feel you, will be overwhelmed by you: By your eyes, you mouth, your hands,

Your calloused elbows and pock-marked forehead. Your toes. The cute little roll of fat that bulges over your back bra strap. Your epiglottis.

#overwhelmed

the sound of your voice, and, most of all: The feeling to be closer to you than to anyone else, the feeling that I have already discovered so much that’s incredibly beautiful about you, and I have the great wish to discover so much more about you.

Until my wife finds out, and then I don’t know you.

You have shown me what it means to meet another human being, to dive into them totally, to lose yourself in them, to feel protected, and to be able to really open up to them. I have never in my life before had the feeling of unconditional trust I have for you.

I want to dive into you, but it’s a shallow pool and I may concuss myself and be paralyzed for life.

My trust has no conditions. Except SHHHHHH! The children are asleep! And DELETE YOUR BROWSER HISTORY!

We have known each other for twelve years now. I can remember so many moments in which the two of us spoke, when I looked at you, and I know I never allowed myself to see you as a woman. I saw a married wife, who is unreachable for me, who is building a large family, and who, although I had always registered a tension, and I thought that something was missing, wanted to continue on that road.

I never allowed myself to see you as an easy fuck a woman. Twelve years later I clued in. But cut me some slack. In the previous paragraph I didn’t know what it meant to “meet another human being.”

#shelteredlife

And now I hope that we can find our way together, even if it won’t be easy. But I hope that it will work out. I want to live my love for you with you.

Yours, OM

I hope we can find our way together, without my wife knowing. I hope that will work out. I want to live my love for you — in that silent, can’t introduce you to anyone, take-this-to-your-grave kind of way.

P.S. Written on the train to Cheatertown, to you.”

#nextstopkarma

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  • The UBT is going to need some oil after that drivel! Not as bad as some but bad enough. Sorry you had to read that Peter, but it made me giggle to learn the OM dumped her and you’re still going through with the divorce. Every time an OM/OW gets dumped and has consequences levied against them, an angel gets their wings! That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!

    I don’t mean to make light of what you’re going through, especially since your journey has just begun but it will get better once you are legally untangled from the cheater. Keep reading here. Lots of great advice can be had in learning how to navigate the shenanigans of the cheater playbook.

    • Thank you, I didn’t know I had it in me. A couple of months ago, a prior to discovering CN, I would have caved immediately. The support here really does help a lot.

  • That time when a manipulative jerk used immature romantic fiction as a reference manual for a seduction letter…

    (Also, I don’t even read Perel anymore because she’s so ridiculous and I don’t want to give her crappy message the clicks.)

  • “Your epiglottis ”
    A phrase, or a word or two, always makes me smile, gives me a good start to my day.
    CL, You never cease to amaze CN!

    Dribble dribble, blah blah blah, instead of sedoko this cheater pinned this letter on his way to fuckfest!
    (Soooooo sincere he dumped her shortly after)

  • #clichejenga

    I am a writer. I can’t wait to use this.

    As for Peter….hugs dude. Press that divorce with every spare scintilla of energy you have. Step away from the disorder and find peace for you and your children. It’s not easy but as we say …life is better on the other side.

  • His over-use of commas has brought on a diving fever.

    oh em effing gee

    Peter- Good for you and your spine. I shake my head at what these 2 idiots have destroyed for the sake of a thrill and am impressed that you have not allowed her to pull you back in.

  • Geez, what’s his next seduction tool; yelling “Heathcliff!” On the moors?

    ……rational vagina is unimpressed.

  • Long time lurker. First time commenter. Just props Peter and thanks for sharing. My situation was similar. We had one daughter. OM had three little kids. We took vacations together, frequent family outings, meals, play dates, etc. I found out when his wife called me in hysterics one night to yell at me for supposedly allowing it to go on. Oh really? I felt so sorry for them. By that time, my wife, when confronted, revealed that she had already moved on to an OOM on the other side of the Country and would go live with him. Of course as single parent for my daughter we kept it all together and “friendly”. I heard that her subsequent fairy tale Disney World marriage to the OOM, prominently featured “their song”; the Eagles “Love will Keep us Alive”. Well, that was a gift and whenever I hear that song now, I have a good chuckle. Of course that union very quickly self-destructed into a pile of crap and she moved on to further nonsense. BTW THANK YOU Chump Lady and please keep up the excellent work.

    • Hank,
      Sorry that you have reason to be here, but glad that you commented.
      It sounds like you are far better off without your cheater.
      (One always wonders how long that love that keeps them alive lasts)

  • Peter, with “middling federal bureaucrat” and if CL agrees, I would say you are qualified to run a franchise of a UBT.

    I have nothing against middling federal bureaucrats, except when they do themselves and then seek to remedy their anguish about middleness and their self-perceptions of mediocrity and lack of recognition by taking unfair advantage of innocent people.

    Peter, take care of yourself and those four children. As you know, it does get better.

  • Was this letter written in 1930? In black and white?

    With fedoras pulled low, and pullman porters, and Greta Garbo sitting in the club car, raising a Singapore Sling and saying: “I drink to what I see in your eyes”?

    Did the string crescendos and other orchestral techniques disturb the other passengers?

  • Oh my goodness that letter was a pile of doodoo wasn’t it. I live in France about 50 minutes from the Italian border. I go to Italy frequently and the ciao bella stuff is lovely. But for god’s sake you don’t take it seriously. When I go home to England and everyone says “hallo gorgeous” or “hallo my love” at the market you take it for what it is. That’s just how we speak. Well done Peter for going on with the divorce. That letter is not worth the paper it is written on. Your (hopefully) soon to be ex-wife will learn that soon!

  • Ahhh – unconditional trust. That challenge which, when proposed, tends to ensure that the proposer will never be betrayed but the accepter is SOL and lady-balls deep in shit, assuming that it will be reciprocated.

    People who demand unconditional trust never deserve it. #redflag

  • Hugs Peter!

    PLEASE tell me you sent Hasselhoff’s letter to his wife as well! I would want it if I was the wife.

    My friend sent all evidence he found on his wife to the wife of the OM, she filed for divorce and the two ‘love birds’ sent him selfies on the beach in Hawaii with the caption, ‘thanks for reunites us’. It hurt. He dealt. And now they are both someone else’s hot mess (not even each other’s).

      • Well that’s probably what I don’t want to provoke. That’s why I haven’t passed on that letter yet to his wife. Somehow I don’t want to cause her to cut him loose.

        • I completely understand and it’s your decision. The great benefit was that the wife of the cheater had the resolve to divorce, she stopped pick me dancing, and she took him for everything he was worth and primary custody of their three young children. I mean she got a top lawyer, went full court press, and won BIG. She never would have done that without being gifted the whole truth. She thanks my friend (he’s actually my boyfriend – I adore him) often.

          Going to Hawaii was the last celebration for the cheaters (on their spouses dime of course). The cheater wife lives in her parents basement and the cheater husband on his friends couch.

          I was the one that told my husbands mistress that he was married (to me). She did EVERYTHING she could to drag me through the mud in front of MY community. It sucked. But I don’t regret gifting the truth, not in the least. It built character. That sounds like a throw away – but honestly it’s everything to me.

          We’re all several years out from these painful events and it’s soooooo different now. You also don’t have to do anything right away, just sit on it for awhile.

  • Ick. I’m sorry you had to read that feeble attempt at…whatever it was. Unfortunately, when these disordered folks bare their souls there’s seldom anything to see.

    Slightly off-topic but related: BoyMan’s first language is not English either. From the beginning, his lovey-dovey (and sexy-wexy) messages to me were usually pretty eh, or just plain cheesy, but I chalked it up to the language factor. But after reading his lovey-dovey, sexy-wexy messages to the OW (and others, yay!) in his own language, I realized that it wasn’t a language thing at all; his feeling are actually pretty eh and/or just plain cheesy. #clichejenga, indeed.

    • NotAfraid, having lived in a non-Anglophone country for years I have to admit that is the way they speak. It doesn’t make them better than us, just more passionate I guess. My ex Twat is American and I am British so his tactics didn’t work on me but I do understand the “passionate Latin” stuff. I rather like it actually. Just don’t get taken in by it.

      • Not all, of course. XW is Italian, so you’d think she’d be passionate and effusive, but actually she was a pretty cold fish. She picked up just enough of the romance-novel drivel to blame me for not being more controlling (“if you’d really loved me you would have been more jealous and suspicious when I went away to conferences”) and for being too even-tempered (she told our daughter that the fact that she and the AP have screaming arguments proves that they really love each other).

        • Involuntary – I would seriously expect passion from an Italian but hey everyone is different. I’m very mild mannered so it can be a shock living with a lunattic but you learn to live with it. It drove my ex mad that I was always calm. Even after he beat the shit out of me. In the end it worked in my favour. He can be his own heart attack in waiting£

          • As my narcissistic, alcoholic uni professor/scientist Italian aunt (my WASP uncle married a loon) says “I’m Italian, I love drama”. That’s code for “I love to stir up sh*t because it makes me feel alive”

            • Well, at least your aunt knows what she wants. I got blamed because I *didn’t* “stir up shit” – we had a calm, orderly marriage that was humming along pretty smoothly (if a little lackluster, I suppose) before the AP showed up.

              Before AP: XW describes me as “my saint of a husband” because I take care of all the kids / household stuff so she can focus on her career. After AP: XW says “You are there for me logistically but not emotionally”.

              • Wow. All the shit they say says a lot more about their character than it does ours. We need only listen. All women should get so lucky, even your disordered ex knew you were a saint! And there is no understanding crazy. IG, only my best wishes on your journey forward.

              • They will always find a way to turn things around to their advantage and make us look bad. I got the same shit – I did all of the logistical stuff so STBXW could have a break from the kids and time out etc. (she suffered major postnatal depression, so this was part of the treatment plan), and after a while it just became routine. In the end, I was told that I wasn’t there emotionally, that I was boring, that I never did things with her (how could I? When she wanted to go out, I was looking after the kids… her family offered little to no support on that front). It was all just BS to give a reason for their shit nature.

                When STBXW argued with me she always called me “Saint [Sydneychump]”, and always turned it back to me, that I “can do no wrong” etc etc. It was so very frustrating, and usually over minor things before DDay.

                STBXW was Levantine, and I am now extremely happy to be free from the drama. The peace and quiet at my new home is deafening almost compared to the walking on eggshells and drama that seemed to always come our way.

              • A few days off CL with busywork season and holiday preparations and I’m catching up. As a chump, Northerner and Italian now living in Georgia myself I have to say that while all of us are loud – not all are crazy and love the drama. Ex also half Italian and sounds like a lot like IG’s ex….perhaps we should intro the sociopaths. Need to check the archives and figure out how to reach fellow GA (metro ATL) chumps for a meetup after the holidays! And hello to Attie living in France near the Italian border – I’d be up for a meetup near you too but since cheater ex just pulled car and college money from kids as most recent “punishment” for them not wanting to see him and acting like he is greatest dad on earth after third divorce for cheating, I must again postpone any vacations to make up for shortfall. As always, we’ll figure it out and move on…..sigh! We chumps are indeed mighty and have to keep showing up for our kiddos.

    • Agree: “Ick. I’m sorry you had to read that feeble attempt at…whatever it was. Unfortunately, when these disordered folks bare their souls there’s seldom anything to see.”. Yes yes yes

  • “Love Is Not a Permanent State of Being” Oh, Esther, that’s true–especially after you find your husband was shagging half the female graduate student in his program (and attempting to shag quite a few others).

    Honesty, though, that can be permanent. Integrity, that can be forever, too. Also a sense of family, or connection to another person, that transcends one’s desire for cheap thrills–permanent.

    You’re not peddling enlightment, Esther, you’re validating dishonesty. And that doesn’t sound good, even in a Belgian accent.

    • Agree. Very well put, Tempest.

      Perel is just another hypocrite. That uses people’s suffering to not only look good, but feel better about herself. She discovered this niche amongst the pick-me dancers and made her own uninspired choreography. In other words, a cheat herself.

    • VALIDATING DISHONESTY. Tempest, you rock. That is exactly what I have been trying to articulate about Esther Perel. I adore you.

  • “I saw a married wife, who is unreachable for me, who is building a large family…”. He saw a ‘married wife’ (as opposed to an unmarried wife??) who was pregnant, had a newborn or a bunch of young children during those twelve years. He was just waiting for her to stop having kids long enough to accommodate him. Nice.

    • He was so ignored and in need of attention from being stuck in a marriage with two children full time that she thought he’d give that up to be stuck in a marriage with SIX children part time, with her instead? And pay his ex-wife possibly alimony but DEFINITELY child support? AND have everyone see his poor character? HAHAHAAAA

  • What a surprise he went back to his wife, it must be humiliating for her. I wonder if he has form, it’s quite depressing really. He told her what she wanted to hear, your wife, was being played, I think, but that’s no excuse. I wonder how the Om really treats his wife, I bet there’s a lot of abuse going on, behind the scenes.

  • This reminds me so much of my brother’s first wife. She left him and their children to go find herself. He fervently hoped she would never find herself back at his house. He married again, happily, and moved on.
    CL, please do another book of nothing but letters and the UBT. It might be as long as War And Peace but it would be hilarious.

    • I’d buy a book written by the UBT too! lol

      Someday when I have access to a scanner, I’m going to send in The Divorce Letter. It’s pretty long and I’m not sure if it’s UBT material, but I’ll let CL decide that. 🙂

    • Yes, a book. I can add the poem that I found that he wrote her upon our return from Aruba. Disgusting humans they are.

    • I would LOVE the UBT book!! Please consider CL! I would pre-order. Please make it large and hardback so I can put it on my coffee table.

    • My vote is YES for UBT letter coffee table book!
      I will send you the “sole mate” letter!

      You can title it “The Quest For Aliveness”!

  • Just had my ex come by last night to pick up stuff agreed to in the mediation. Had a friend with me for support who noted the ex couldn’t look anybody in the eye. We are all so much better off without them.

    • Yeah, a few years ago when my ex still lived in our house (I had already moved out with the kids). My neighbor told me that my ex didn’t make any eye contact or neighborly contact with any of the neighbors anymore. He knew he was shit and he knew that the neighbors knew he was a liar and a cheater. The old him used to wave, talk and be Mr. Nice Neighbor Guy. My ex used and screw over one of our neighbors that is a realtor. They all saw him for who he really is and he could no longer look at them in the eyes. Yes, we are ALL better without the lying cheaters in our lives!

  • A year later, she has been 2 lawyers, wasted 10s of thousands of dollars, blew up 2 “iron clad agreements” after tsking the money and running, and just yesterday, wasted 8 hrs in another court ordered negotiation only to refuse to sign after i gave her the pen and told her to write down everything she wanted from me and sign it. I can no longer afford to eat or pay bills or give anything to my kids or pay my pawyer. I will most likely have to go pro se moving forward. They are evil. Plan. Leave early. Do not try to fix anything or ever negotiate. Ever.
    The good news, meh was ages ago.

  • ” I saw a married wife, who is unreachable for me, who is building a large family, and who, although I had always registered a tension, and I thought that something was missing, wanted to continue on that road.”

    I saw two things in this comma-filled sentenced:

    He saw a married wife with kids. My cheater said to me that his female “friends” were “sexless” to him and they were “neither male or female”. They were “just friends”. I don’t believe for one second that this cheater was looking at Peter’s wife as just married wife with kids. He always had an eye on her and was just waiting for the chance to see if she’d be more than friends with him.

    “I thought that something was missing” — The cheater is dropping this nugget into her mind and suggesting that there was always something missing in her marriage and he noticed it a long time ago. What a sneaky creature he is.

    Peter, have you considered sending this letter to his wife? I for one would like this information.

  • Peter, I feel a speck of sorry for your ex because he has done this before. He knows what he’s about. I bet he’s back with his wife or trying to be. This letter reads like a Ralph Feinnes movie when he still had hair. He’s a regular Vicomte de Valmont.

  • I feel the need to write a “real” letter to you, without auto-correction, a real letter, which is being created on a … t … r … a … i …n … Shit! There goes my pen … on the way to you, to this meeting I have loooonged liiiiiinged loop[ijihjkh for … I wish to hell this train would stop lurching … The day has finally commm cumu cumm cujkjakjs … Crap! I’ve dropped my pen again … Where was I? The day has finally comb … Goddam train … why can’t it have WiFi? I’d write this effing letter on my laptop! … despite turbulences and obstacles in our waaaaaaaay. Shit!

    • …because I plagiarized the other letters/emails/texts from various “how to write a romantic letter” sites on the internet. THIS one is “real”. Are you hot and bothered? Is it working?

  • I finished the second paragraph of Herr Heart(?)throb’s missive and couldn’t go on. I figured laughing hysterically while throwing up would be dangerous. Declarations of passions like this one make me think it’s time to bring back stoning for adulterers.

    • //make me think it’s time to bring back stoning for adulterers//

      At first, I was in full warm-up mode to begin hurling. Everybody knows that cheating is adultery. Everybody knows that adultery is a “thou shalt not.” Everybody knows! And then…
      Mar 10:11  And he said to them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, commits adultery against her. 
      Mar 10:12  And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she commits adultery. 
      Luk 16:18… and whosoever marries her that is put away from her husband commits adultery. 
      …it seems there is a rather epic problem with a new relationship after a divorce. The most prominent issue with the language is that there is never any real separation inferred. The adultery of a new “marriage” is against the previous spouse, who is still referred to as “husband” or “wife,” not ex-husband or ex-wife. If they were “ex’s,” it wouldn’t be considered adultery. If the marriage was dissolved by a divorce and it was over, it wouldn’t be considered adultery. So, what about those we know who, for whatever reason, “moved on” to another relationship after a divorce? For some of us that may include our mothers or fathers, brothers or sisters, many we’ve come to know and care for on this blog? Would we still be willing?

      The importance of covenant marriage is vividly clear.
      Heb 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

      I don’t visit the RIC sites to see if they uphold this as truth. I find value here and that isn’t the purpose of this site. CL encourages us to find the true value in who we are when we have been devalued by another who made us an oath. She teaches us to protect ourselves when our spouse violates the oath and endangers us. In the stories of others, we find we aren’t alone in this betrayal. In fact, I never had any idea the number of us walking this walk. I’m grateful for the stories I read here.

      If one follows the Bible, we know the choices that are left to us…remain unmarried or be reconciled.
      1Co 7:39  A wife is bound by the law (of marriage) for as long as her husband lives; but if the husband is dead, she is free to be married to whomever she desires, only in the Lord. 
      They should’ve made a bigger deal about that part where we said “until death do us part.” Had they, we probably would have responded just like the disciples…
      Mat 19:10  His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry. 

      Peace!

      • “If one follows the Bible, we know the choices that are left to us…remain unmarried or be reconciled.”

        if you “put them away”. Divorcing for adultery or for unequal yiking are not the same, and not covered by this. Its a different animal.

  • Oh CL! The snark! I loved the UBT’s translation! I laughed out loud in an airport lounge. This was much needed as I’m coming into my 4th Christmas post the dick-ex. Yes! Life is wonderful these days. And listen Peter. Stay the course. Get rid of the cheater. I assure you, life becomes wonderful again when you no longer deal with anyone ever again who is a liar. I promise! You’ll only wonder why it took you so long to boot her to the curb sooner. I chose to “trust” giving the dick-ex just one more chance and once again he proved how untrustworthy he was. And I don’t regret leaving him in the least now. Good luck!

  • OMG. I read one email from the OW to my cheater saying, “I want to have your baby.” Then went on to describe how her breasts had very capably nursed two babies, and could easily nurse a third. Because having a baby in your forties is soooooo sexy.

    Apparently she hasn’t figured out that the fuckwit has to have 100% of your attention at all times. Babies kind of get in the way of his centrality, honey. #bitterexperience

  • Oh crap. I’ve got an entire binder of emails that speaks the same language as this one printed from the secret email account that my STBXH created two weeks after he came home swearing up and down that he had clarity and wanted to do everything to fix our marriage (he had asked for a legal separation one week before).

    He lasted a whole two weeks and created the email account to keep her apprised of his longing for her while he dismantled our marriage. Gave her a play-by-play of his process of “wreckonciliation,” while he was attending a couple’s therapy weekend with me and we started another marriage counsellor. While he was holding me during small panic attacks that I was experiencing for the first time in my life because I couldn’t believe that he was finally committed to stay and saying all the things I had needed to hear for over eight months of pick-me dancing. Yep, longing emails to her, yet making apologies to members of my family for how he had been treating me and promising to do right by me.

    Vomitous lovebombing; speaking of the cosmos and how their love is written in the stars. Giving her tremendous credit for actions that I had a spent an entire marriage extending to him without appreciation (Wow! She diffused essential oils in the room when he passed out with a migraine on her bed, but for years wanted me to do absolutely nothing during a migraine because he just needed a dark, quiet room). He apologized to her that the decor of his new place was a bit dated (as in from the early 2000s) when we argued time and time again about the house renovations in our home (built in 1976 and had not been updated), stating that he felt that a paint job was all the house ever really needed. Wanted to buy her children Christmas gifts and commending her for being the best mom her kids could ever have (Ummm…the woman does not have custody of her kids because of an assault she committed against their father and her history of alcohol abuse and anger management), yet had never purchased his own children’s Christmas gifts.

    Sometimes, I wish I had never come across these emails. The looping of some of those words due to the trauma of the wreckonciliation is nauseating. I’m healing though. It is those emails though that allowed me to understand the full truth of that affair and how it was soooo much more than he has ever admitted. He still lies about the nature of the relationship (they were only ever friends) and keeps the relationship hidden from his family (and has kept the kids out of it for almost a year now).

    As the one year mark approaches of when he left the house for good last year, I find myself feeling fantastic that I am in such a better place than last year (even the year before for that matter), and then breaking out in waves of fear, like needles going up and down my arms. Then, I know that I still have trauma to process, but mostly it’s due to the fact that the lawyer is hammering out the final draft of the separation agreement and I’m on pins and needles about whether or not he’ll sign it.

    Peter – The OM may have gone running back to his wife, but it’s just a question of time before he’ll be barking up your wife’s tree again. He’ll look for ways to triangulate his own wife and yours to feed his own ego. You are smart to up and go – now you just need to figure out how to protect your kids from all of this low-value behaviours.

  • Ah, the positive benefits of having spine stiffening swoopie slobber speak!

    I had been allowing POP some very limited skeptical time in my life–was he REALLY sober/a better man, etc? He had been professing his love and desire to be with me thru eternity. He had no interest in any other woman, the harem was long gone. Living that life had been hell…. blah blah blah

    And then —-SURPRISE!!!—- I got an email from a stranger—turned out it was from the new husband of POP’s longtime hypotenuse whore. The “you don’t know me but…..they are still in contact and if you would like to see current emails, I will forward them…I am divorcing the whore. Just wanted to let you know, she’s coming after (POP)” kind of email.

    So, at the first chance I had, I blindsided POP with the slobbering emails between them and then dumped him at a bus stop to find his way back to where I had picked him up from only an hour before.

    Yep. “I miss your lips, your hips, your EVERYTHING” and the whore’s remembrances of their ‘making love’ is a great little missive to refer to when you need a reminder of what a disgusting piece of shit a Predatory Opportunistic Parasite is.

    And then there’s this today: I am on a dating site–not really putting any effort into it. I noticed a man who put his entire name his profession on his profile. I recognized him as having been the inspector during the inspection of my new home– we’d never met but he’s nice looking on his profile and I figured ‘hmmm, I recall he was nice when we spoke on the phone’; reach out. I contacted him with a friendly “I think you inspected my home etc” and he responded with basically he couldn’t possibly recall because he does so many home inspections and finished up with ‘how about friends with benefits?’

    Wow. Discretion isn’t his strong suit. My realtor is very influential in the business. If I were to mention this to her, it would definitely affect his business….and not in a good way.

  • These filthy fucks always think that when they bang their cheating genitals together, it is somehow magical, elevated, far beyond any mere mortal genital joining. What a nauseating letter. What a nauseating STBX wife. Watch out, Peter, because she’s going to try to worm her way back into your life for sure, as soon as she realizes being a single mom of four little ones isn’t so thrilling as having an affair with a close friend’s husband.

  • If my cheater had this guy’s flair for the dramatic;

    Dearest Kitty Kunt,
    Pinwheels of shivering delight explode in my mind as I recall those precious sixty seconds I spent deep within your feminine wholeness, the altar at which I pray. The hope that I will yet be blessed with another thirty second taste of the divine has been all that has kept me going these past five years of desperate, painful longing. We are two spirits as one, especially when we imbibe spirits, which, of course, we must always do as it connects us to our vital essence and prevents our tender souls from being crushed by the tyranny of The Others. The Others who expect us to ignore our deepest feelings in service of their insignificant needs are a trial, but the trial is not forever. I hold on to that, my sweet one, as a drowning man holds onto a floating beer cooler. Eventually, the Other you are saddled with will drink himself into an early grave (that’s what happens when you’re a philistine and not sophisticated enough to drink microbrews) and my mentally unbalanced harpy Other will finally catch the bus to her ultimate destination. As the deeply sensitive man you know me to be, it pains me that the Other is so sad, but I wouldn’t think to impose on her free will by doing anything which might change her path to reaching the next plane of existence. It is for the best, so I will continue to practice tough love on her by ignoring her outrageously unreasonable demand that I be present and attentive. Tsk! These Others are truly bizarre. Naturally the younger Others will understand and rejoice in our happiness when that day finally comes when we can be deliciously co-mingled, not unlike salt and pepper in the dishes served in one of those charming pubs we frequent daily, urbane hipsters that we are. So here’s to hastening the end of the old, dull life which chafes at our specialness, and to the birth of us as an entirely new entity, by any means we can. Love is a speeding freight train that cannot and should not be stopped. All on board the love train. Lol!💖😘
    In true love and heroic patience,
    The Asshole

  • I haven’t seen any of the things ex and Schmoopie wrote to each other but I imagine that some of his writing to her has been similar to this because it sounds a lot like some of the stuff he used to write to me early in our relationship (which started long distance) and during the year we were living apart (for school and work) early in our marriage. I used to think his letters were so sweet. He even spritzed them with cologne. I was, however, rather embarrassed by the one pornographic poem he sent me that had me as the star. I didn’t say anything when I received it and then he was hurt because I hadn’t gushed over how amazingly wonderful it was. I felt bad for hurting his feelings so I told him it was so moving it had simply left me speechless. I guess Schmoopie must have gushed to his satisfaction to the poem he most likely sent to her. I wonder if he wrote a fresh one or used the same one.

      • Oh no, his was much more graphic than that. He used to call me his Tiger. That’s how I knew it was supposed to be about me. Otherwise it was all about him so maybe he was actually the star and the tiger just played a supporting role. Hmmm…..

  • “Now we have exchanged so many emails, but I feel the need to write a “real” letter to you, without auto-correction, a real letter, which is being created on a train, on the way to you…”

    Now that reality has begun to intrude upon our fantasy, I would like to re-enact some scenes from my favorite period drama, so that we can continue living in fantasy-land for a while. Gosh, aren’t we just like that couple from our favorite movie? So cool!

    “Our meeting, our closeness, our diving into each other in our letters, our tentative first touch, our first, searching kiss, the longing, the fear, but most of all the beating together of our two hearts is so incredibly beautiful, a happiness which I have never felt before, and it represents such a richness which I had never hoped for, and it lets everything else pale in comparison.”

    I have the memory span on a goldfish and have forgotten every other time I had pantsfeelings for someone. This is a Brand New Feeling. I will totally not forget how I feel about you in a few months, just like every other infatuation I have ever had. No literally, I have never before had an erection, and this is all new.

    “You have shown me what it means to meet another human being, to dive into them totally, to lose yourself in them, to feel protected, and to be able to really open up to them. I have never in my life before had the feeling of unconditional trust I have for you.”

    The fact that you are happy to betray and deceive the people who trust you most in the world, that means nothing. I also am willing to betray and deceive those people, and I’m totally trustworthy, aren’t I? At least, I think I am (see above point about how erections trigger my goldfish memory).

  • While I rolled my eyes at the overblown prose I have to give him credit for more effort than my cheaterpants ex, who just texts snippets of song lyrics to his shmoopies. You know things like that ever classy country tune “If he ever singles you up, if he’s ever stupid enough I’ma be the first one calling you baby”

  • They remind me of teenagers huffing from a can of whipped cream in the fridge when the parents aren’t home.

    Or of those imbeciles over at the reddit r/adultery forum blathering on and on about their precious NRE (New Relationship Energy). (Warning: don’t view this site if you are sensitive to triggers).

    The people promoting adultery are all a bunch of flaming narcissists… it’s all about them and their feelz.

    • Ugh, christ, I went over there for a minute – such morons! So much “I’m sad but I can’t tell people about why because it’s about my affair – am I being punished?” “OMG, my AP is flaky and dishonest! How dare he!”

  • This was from me and boy did that help. I previously had that nagging doubt that maybe they were meant for each other and their love justified the hyperbole. Not anymore. The absurdity of it all!
    Thank you for this Forum – it has saved me from more months of pick-me dancing and from those never-ending doubts (“If only I had hugged her more in 2013 then this wouldn’t have happened …”)
    WW gave me the classic marriage re-writing (“unhappy … have been unhappy since 20XY … have been unhappy for ten years … I should never have married you but Joe who I knew before you …”). Some friends are not even Switzerland but Finland (geddit?), others have been like a rock to rely on. This is all so tough.
    Full steam ahead to the other side.

    • I am glad this helped. My ex went back to his high school sweetie, and it really does mess with you. What if i was just a multi-decade speed bump on their road to happiness?

      • That must have stung deep for you. Maybe he was the test ride for you in order for you to get the master prize which would be finding someone who will always make YOU first ALWAYS! I am not sure of your current situation but sending heartfelt hugs your way.

    • Well done for recognizing her for who she is and for also seeing the classic lines of “I haven’t been happy since xyz”, yada yada for what it is! It’s all a bunch of made-up lines/lies for them to justify their actions. I too got “I haven’t been happy in ten years, but I didn’t know it.” BS! I too have a letter that I can always look back on to clearly see him for what he is (a pathological liar, serial cheater, serial adulterer, gaslighter, mind-fxcker, game player). The letter devastated me when he read it to me and landed me in a world of confusion for a good year or so. But then I found Chump Lady and Chump Lady! The veil of confusion parted and now I know he’s just another not special at all cheater, who says and does all the same things all the other cheaters that came before him did. He thinks he’s “perfect and special”, but he’s just ordinary. He thinks he’s brilliant with the English language and is so fabulous with coming up with new ideas and stories. But if he came hear to Chump Nation, he’s see he was just like all the other cheaters out there and his stories have been told by countless, stupid cheater just like himself. Good riddance to all of them!

    • Oh jeez louise. Every single one of them use the “I haven’t been happy in XX years”. Such a lame cliche from loser defects playing the victim. Don’t even get me started on the asswipes that actually sympathize with the scumbag cheaters.

      • Exactly. I realize here that there’s nothing special about my situation. This stuff is so amazing. I am beginning to be able to see the irony but it’s been one tough journey.

    • @pm1412, @KB22, @Martha and all of us here in CN, yes indeed, they’re all the boringly same.

      My version from STBxW was she was thinking of divorcing me for 2 years before she started her affair. Then it was 3 years. Then 5 years. Then it was just after our 1st child was born. Then it was right back to the start and she hadn’t loved me at all since the beginning 20+ years ago. Funny how she never mentioned this to anyone, not a single person.

      Yep, they’re all the same and that’s why CL & CN are so good because we can either see the same or when something new happens realise that we’ve already read about that so many times on CN from others.

      “Full steam ahead to the other side” and hopefully our cheating exes will hit an iceberg…

  • And once again, I am truly left in a giggling state of fits. This is so ridiculous! I love CL! I will always wonder, not in an over dramatic way, but a concious thought process kind of way, if they only spent that much energy on their spouse…. all the things my ex did for his ho-worker, all the things he said and bought. Maybe our marriage would have been a little better had he invested in us, instead of her.

  • A Night At the Opera (1935), Groucho Marx and Margaret Dumont:

    Otis B. Driftwood : That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you.

    Mrs. Claypool : Really?

    Otis B. Driftwood : Of course, that’s why I’m sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips! Everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? (If she figures that one out, she’s good.)

  • This was one shit sandwich to swallow. My ex hubby screwed all of my friends so I ate these often. It hurts less as you realize that there are so many lovely people in this world that allowing 1 second to be with someone that does not value and love you as you should be loved and value is a second you cannot get back. Keep coming here to get support as I wish I had help like this when I went through all of my many struggles with XH. Hugs!

    • Somewhere,

      Thank you for the lovely reminder–that there are loving people in the world. Going to try to remember that there are wonderful, well-adjusted, authentic people who don’t repeatedly abuse others, affectionate animals, and a beautiful world out there. I don’t want memories of abusers and loneliness to cloud my vision of these wonderful things.

      • ((((RockStarWife))))
        YOU are one of those beautiful people.
        And, I hope another beautiful person finds you!
        ❤️

  • Divorce her if she found his wordy, corny writing style romantic. Never mind the genitalia bumping, spit swapping, or lies. Semantics is ground for divorce.

  • Oh and please, please, please can the UBT be unleashed on Esther Perel’s latest “article” — I can’t bear to read the drivel but would love a UBT’d version 😉

  • Oh my, the dive in comment makes me think of the scene in the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” where Albus is singing “Inside of you” to Sarah the cheater girlfriend. Then the Jonah Hill character (nerd) starts singing while Albus is singing. It went from gross to even grosser. Those lryics and this letter. Lol

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