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Dear Chump Lady, How do I stop comparing myself to the OW?

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Dear Chump Lady,

I am five months out from the last D-day. I did not do the pick me dance, I drew boundaries and protected myself by kicking his ass to the curb. The OW was older than me (11 years older than me and X) and had actually helped me with the relationship, until she was single and exploited her minimal knowledge of the relationship instead. It really was a double betrayal. But I didn’t try to compete with her for him.

Now however, I compare myself to her. She is successful, teaches CPR classes, leads her daughter’s girl scout troop, volunteers all over the place, is a coupon queen, etc. I feel like a fat homebody loser who just volunteers at the food bank sometimes. She knows how to make herself valuable to people. I’m nice enough, people like me, but I’m not really valuable to anyone but my son.

I keep feeling like I should do things like she does and then I would be more impressive. She sparkles, I don’t. How do I stop comparing myself to her?

Sincerely,

Rumorhasit

Dear Rumorhasit,

Well, you can begin by realizing you’re not exploiting anyone’s relationship troubles to make a move on their husband. You’re not playing Auntie Cougar. Oh, and you’re not screwing up small children’s home lives. I think this makes you the classy person here.

The OW? Coupon clipping, cookie sales, and no soul. Why compare yourself with someone who has nothing in common with you?  And I’m not talking about extracurricular activities — I’m talking about values. You could no more be the OW than Kermit the Frog (not to malign muppets or anything). You’re a different species.

Yeah, because she’s one of the sparkly people and you’re a dorky “homebody.” I know you see it that way, but you need to reframe this. It isn’t that she knows how to make herself valuable to people. No. She knows how to manipulate people. She’s artful at presenting a front — community organizer, do-gooder, friend. Her actions tell a very different story. She’s not a friend, or a force for good. There’s no THERE there. No core. The image is a useful construct to get the things she wants — kibbles, other people’s partners, accolades. The mask throws people off her trail, it disarms them into believing this is someone they can trust.

Sadly, these sorts of fraudulent people aren’t uncommon. The priest who’s really a pedophile. The crusading politician who’s taking bribes. The Wall Street investor with a pyramid scheme. They all act with a sense of authority — your OW was giving you relationship advice. They present as competent and all giving — but if you scratch the impression management, you’ll find these people either react with a sparkle offensive (charm! charm! charm!) or when that fails — rage (HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!)

They don’t react with substance or self-reflection. They don’t react with humility or acts of contrition. At the core of all aberrant behavior, IMO, is entitlement. Your former “friend” felt entitled to exploit you and conduct an affair with your husband. (Your ex-husband, of course, also felt entitled.)

Wishing to be more sparkly, by way of comparison, is another way of blaming yourself for your ex’s affair. If I was of More Value, if I was Impressive — This Would Not Have Happened to Me.

No. This wasn’t your fault. Your husband’s failure to value you has nothing to do with your worthiness as a person. It has everything to do with his lack of character. And for what it’s worth “impressive” people get cheated on every day. Super models, Hollywood stars, successful business people, those with zero body fat, genius IQs. We chumps are legion. Being “impressive” does not control your spouse’s character, or lack thereof.

The only reason to strive to be impressive, to be a better you, is for YOU. Not because you’re in some stupid contest with a sparkly dog turd. If you think Rumorhasit could use some more kickass — get out there and go for it. Take a class, join the gym, volunteer, adopt a rescue pet. Also consider that there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. Not everyone wants dazzling hyperactivity. Many people prefer the company of a fellow homebody. Find your tribe.

Every time you compare, you’re giving these idiots your energy. Save it for yourself, save it for the people who deserve you, like your son. Congratulate yourself for navigating this shit so well. You didn’t do the pick me dance and you threw the bum out. That’s VERY impressive.

Leave the OW to the Girl Scouts and sewing badges. Maybe there’s one for home wrecking.

This column ran previously.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • There is no reason to compare yourself to a women who used her knowledge about your struggles in your marriage against you. A women who not give a rats ass about you or your family. A women who did not care whos life she ruined as long as she benefited. So she volunteers. She also volunteers herself to married men. She is slime. Your husband choices have nothing to do with what kind of person you are. It was his choice to cheat.
    I understand how you feel. I was there. I could not understand why my husband cheated on me with my cousin. She was shorter than me and considerably overweight. I had a better job then her and I was told by several people that I was more attractive. But, I could not keep comparing myself to her. What did she have that I did not? What she had was she was willing to cheat with a married man who was married to her cousin. There is no comparison between us. I took me a long time to realize that I am a better person than her. My husband chose to cheat on me. He just found a women with no integrity. It takes a real special person to cheat with a cousins husband. And a real special man to chose to cheat with his wives cousin.

  • “This wasn’t your fault. Your husband’s failure to value you has nothing to do with your worthiness as a person. It has everything to do with his lack of character.”

    Put this on repeat and play it over and over

  • Oh, this is a hard shit sandwich to swallow but I’m learning that it’s not in my control and it’s ok that it’s not ok. Like this post’s filing, I don’t need any more proof that cheaters suck a lot. This post is just another proof that cheaters trade in valuable years of loyalty and love for mere trash. Some don’t look back, some do. It’s so sad. However, as CL has written about in the past, we chumps will win in the long term if we invest in new lives for our own benefit. My counselor told me yesterday: “You have to figure out a way to care about justice without needing you or anyone else to be perfect.”

  • Integrity is who you are when no ones looking. She is a manipulator and whore. She chose to shag a married man. All that stuff she ‘volunteers’ for is for image management and kibbles. Nice versus kind. She is ‘nice’. She was ‘nice’ to you. Yep, she sure is something. Other people will be fooled by the sparkles too. But if they get close enough, they will still smell the turd.

    And you ex husband fits into the turd category too. He’s even worse than she is.

    • Wrote an ass-kicking post, but it was eaten & doesn’t appear, at least not in my feed. The follow-up comments also aren’t coming. Life goes on💛

  • It has been my experience these “sparkly” women are all show. They sign up/volunteer for the exposure and do nothing. Someone else picks up the slack as they take the credit. They pawn off the real work under the guise of they have “so much on their plate” so the other volunteers feel guilty and end up doing all the work. It’s all a game to them. Of course some people have them figured out but when they try to expose the frauds they end up looking petty.

    • Yeah. “Sparkly women” suck the vibrancy out of the volunteer project. Their minions are hushed into obedience, for compliance is necessary, and the consequences are exclusion. Gossip is a handy whip employed by the character-impaired. They know how to marry: steal from your cousin a man who is good-hearted, has a youthful attitude, friendly, attractive, and high tolerance for neglect, emotionality, and will ego-feed. Keeps a running mental list of time availability, skills, materials of the minions, and texts out her needs. Uses seduction, like at a church service. If funds are needed, feels no compunction about bending over to show boobs while asking for money. Doesn’t mind identity theft, using the email address of others with better reputations for letters, using the cell phone of kind people to pretend to be them and ask for resources. Low, low empathy, will pretend to care for you in time of duress, but put your arm out straight, and block that octopus from giving you sympathy, or you will pay a dear price.

    • Sparkly Women and I never got on when it came to volunteering (or being conscripted by my kid) into fundraising events, etc.

      I said no. I didn’t roll over for them. I didn’t fall for their attempts to butter me up when they did make half-hearted inquiries into my interests. As I told one of them when she was trying to slither into my life, “Do I look like Barbie? I don’t need to buy my friends!” (That one really pissed her off.)

      In hindsight, my not being sparkly and fairly blunt is both what attracted my husband AND pissed him off. He loved it when it was calling others on their crap – including myself – but not so great when he was on the receiving end.

      • Cheater would ridicule sparkly women, saying they look like cartoon characters with their bleached blonde hair, extensions, big hair, all the “enhancements,” boobs, fake nails, lashes, fake orange tans, low cut tops, sparkly jewelry, over whitened teeth, puffed out lips, tight pants, or short shorts, and high heels. I have nothing against doing any of what I’ve listed or taking care of yourself and to look you best. I have nails, have done lashes, color my hair, tanned occasionally. The difference is I’m not sparkly, or the neon look at me. We had a sparkly neighbor who would wash her car in her bikini and high heels, usually in the afternoon when husbands are coming home from work, or mowing her lawn wearing her bikini and high heeled shoes of some kind, maybe platforms with neon pink leggings. He’d laugh at how she was dressed… after he left he began having coffee with the same neighbor and meeting her for lunch while her husband was at work. I asked him why he suddenly decided to be friends with her when he claimed to dislike her before. His reply was , he has a new found respect for her.. Since them, I found his AP partner now wife could almost be her twin, except wife is into fitness competition, maybe even more sparkly.

    • Yes, yes, yes!!! Perfectly worded. I know a woman like that. She also left her husband (no surprise). Shows up to all these kiddy events and asked me to take pictures of her volunteering “cause men love to see that on her dating sites”.
      They are caricatures that belong on sitcomes. But certainly not people to compare yourself too. Know your worth.

    • I like to think of it as impression management. They need to sparkle, appear to be sheer perfection, work out constantly so their toned arms are the envy of others, volunteer to walk shelter dogs, buy only the best items for their homes, wear the best clothes. So the outside packaging appears to be what everyone strives for in their lives. However, inside they are a shallow, fake, hot mess. Anyone who leaves carnage behind has to answer for their participation in that. That shit eats at you over time. My grandmother used to say, “Pretty is what pretty does”. These OW (no matter the packaging) are just insecure. Knowing how easily replaceable partners are to your ex, I can’t imagine that provides many restful nights. My hope is that their insecurity, worry and fear is a daily D-day for them. The old death by a thousand paper cuts.

      • Actually, I think my ex is the one who is like that. he has to appear perfect in every way or he can’t live with himself. The only real reason he was hurting at all over the divorce was because it tarnished his image of perfection. He had to milk his own pain so he wouldn’t look like a complete jerk. I suspect Schmoopie is much the same way. They really do have a lot in common. They are both cheaters and homewreckers (between them they broke up the homes of eight children). They both sparkle. They have both volunteered in the past, in fact they met volunteering for a middle school event. Schmoopie somehow manages to sparkle without ever having truly accomplished anything. Ex is good at impressing people and has had his successes but he is never satisfied with them and has nothing but contempt for the people who are impressed by him. He doesn’t want to befriend anyone who isn’t sparkly enough as it might tarnish his image. I guess I didn’t sparkle enough in spite of my own life accomplishments. I was also willing to befriend people who weren’t externally sparkly. I guess he was afraid he would look like a loser if he hung around with people like that. I feel like my nerd boyfriend dumped me for the cheerleader. These people never left high school. Ex and Schmoopie may well last if they can continue to provide cover for each others failings and make each other look sparkly to the outside world and fit into the “right” social circles.

        • Chumpinrecovery, “I feel like my nerd boyfriend left me for the cheerleader,” that is how I feel with ex. I remember when I met Cheater I thought he was nerdy, not very sophisticated and socially awkward. Ex never really fit socially, even with the people in his profession or worked with. At the time it was one of those things that I couldn’t understand.
          Looking back, I spackled, making excuses such as he came from a small town, he’s just “different”. He was in the military when we met, I grew up in a military family, people on military bases are from all over the country and are welcoming. I thought it odd that he seemed to be excluded from his squadron including get togethers after work. It should have been my signal to run but being a Chump I felt sorry for him and thought he was just a misunderstood nice guy.
          I believe his squadron members sensed something about him that I was too naive to notice or ignored.
          Cheater appears to be perfect, charming, well groomed, fit, funny, the guy everyone wants to know.
          He also never wants to socialize with anyone he considers beneath him, or not as well educated. He ridicules those he considers less than and thosewho worship him and his profession, laughing at what he considers their ignorance.
          Ex carefully planned his exit, manipulated everyone who would listen before and after his exit, with blatant lies, villianizing me while playing the role of the victim. He told people with tears in his eyes, that he was concerned for my mental health.
          Yeah, so concerned for my mental health took our savings, lied, ridiculed and humiliated me in every way imaginable…

      • I have a friend who spends thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to keep a youthful appearance. But, as I have told her, “bones don’t lie”. The very core, the infrastructure of cheaters is where the truth is, no matter how much they try to dress up what people see.

        • “Bones don’t lie”. Good one! Plastic surgery may tighten up a few things but one can’t escape old bones & dull eyes. Funny how more pronounced old bones and dull eyes seem with excessive plastic surgery.
          PS I don’t have anything against a little help:)

  • I struggle/struggled with this same topic. The OW in may case is a Vet from another country who is now living here and I was a stay at home mum. I was told by my ex, you will really like her as she is really nice, prettier than you, smarter than you, richer, etc, etc and went on and on. Then my so call friends (aka switzerland friends) swooned over her. (not friends anymore) On my good days I don’t compare myself but when I hear my kids say positive things about her, I sink and start comparing myself all over again. Can’t wait for my mind to stop this. I have to choose to stop this, so I keep telling myself. I wish you luck on your journey Rumorhasit.

    • Bless your heart, True Self, I feel for you.

      You may hate this idea, but allow me to offer it. Take your kids, pick up and leave. Leave town. Leave the country. Get away from them. Where have you always wished you could live? Get online and find an employer in that place, and then contact the prospective employer directly. Don’t tell ex-hole about your plan. Get online, look at the housing. Look at the schools. If an opportunity presents itself, take it.

      Imagine driving/flying away, not looking back, looking ahead. Remember: you were happy to stay until ex-hole blew up the home and stank it up with Vet from another country. He caused this situation, now you are responding in order to create healthy and sanity for the home you provide for your new, smaller, family.

    • So sorry you are going through this. When you find some good, new, true friends (like I did) they’ll show you that she isn’t better than you in any way at all.

    • These people know how to work a room. It is all false PR. My SIL is charming as hell but she still abandoned her family. I look at people like this is you having shit in one and and them in the other. Which one would you choose to keep?

      • My former SIL cheated on her husband, gave him herpes and they’re still married. She’s now a loudly religious judgmental fruitcake versus being slightly more quiet about her smug sanctimonious false piety.

        I bet she sold him the RIC bullshit that it was his fault that she had to cheat to feel (fill in blank).

        I loathe her. So glad our kids also recognize that Slime Mold’s family never gave a damn about them or him and they don’t give his side of the family any attention whatsoever. As they have said, “They’re not family. They’re relatives.” It means I won’t be bothered by former in-laws at our kid’s wedding later this year. The young couple didn’t invite any of them and as they are paying for the wedding themselves, not even Slime Mold had the arrogance to ask that any of them be invited.

        Hahahaha. Suck it, Slime Mold!

        • Recently, my very close (ex) MIL and (ex) favorite aunt on his side, met the bimbo.

          They both said she was really nice.

          I know she is. And, she’s a gold digger and just played your son for a song.

          • Nice is easy when it’s to their own benefit. KIND is hard. OW and X are not kind because they can’t sustain the effort.

            I’m sorry they said anything about her at all. I mean, it’s super-hard to cut your son and nephew out entirely, but they certainly could have made it clear they were of the timeline with OW and that they were judging her accordingly. And him!

    • Hi True Self,
      Ex left me for a younger, “more adventurous” woman. I remember being in marriage counseling with him, before D-Day but after the “I want a divorce out of the blue” conversation. While we were in counseling, his go-to explanation for wanting a divorce was that I just didn’t share his interests or give him any attention. I remember asking him incredulously and desperately at one point whether he was really ending our relationship because I didn’t like to scuba dive and didn’t want to sit in the same room watching him do his calculus homework (this was a real expectation of his).

      Long story short, OW is an under- and often un-employed young woman who loves scuba, various dangerous adventure hobbies, travels the world, and who of course has stroked Ex’s ego into the stratosphere. She intimidated me when I found out about her because I assumed she had something I don’t.

      The more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if I could somehow BE her, I wouldn’t want to be. I don’t want to be unemployed or underemployed and living with my parents at 26. I don’t want to travel the world on my parents’ dime. I don’t want to flirt with pathetic older men to get them to sleep with me. I don’t want to take sex pictures on a scuba trip where my partner calls his wife after and tells her he loves her. I just want to be my introverted, TV-watching, loving and nurturing, foodie, nerdy, quiet self–who could stand to lose ten pounds, and who currently has two picked-at pimples on her face.

      There are shiny parts to all of us. Manipulators and egomaniacs are the ones that try to convince us they are nothing but shine and sparkles and flattery. Any emotionally healthy adult will not feel comfortable around that garbage. Emotionally healthy people seek authenticity and honesty. You are better than that rhinestone covered woman. You are a diamond. You are real, authentic, and full of integrity. Celebrate that!

      • Our exes traded tarnished silver for gold painted shit. The really stupid ones think they got a good deal on the trade.

      • I’m not knocking outdoor activities but the “work is for saps” mentality will be her downfall. This 26 year old doesn’t want to grow up and be an adult. Guys her own age will refuse to support her so she has to resort to older, insecure men.

      • Liz C., I soooo needed to hear that, too. Thank you!!!

        (Also, the part about the OW being covered in rhinestones really hit home. As a “fitness competitor” she literally covered her twat in rhinestones – and sent the links to the (ironically very expensive) bikinis she hoped cheater would buy for her. Yuck.)

        • Oh jeez! I’m sure that it’s a fine hobby for some, but I hate that! The whole bodybuilding culture was a HUGE hobby of my Ex. He was forever trying to get me to train for a bikini competition, etc. Honestly, to my taste, it is the fakest ideal of beauty ever–the obvious chemical/supplement abuse, orange skin, tons of makeup/hair bleach/acrylic nails, plastic surgery to create breasts where muscle tone won’t allow natural ones….it used to make me very insecure that I am not like those competitors, because my husband really wanted a woman like that. Don’t get me wrong, fake boobs and makeup have their place in the world…I just feel like female (and male, for that matter) bodybuilding culture is soooo focused on unhealthy standards.

          Nowadays, I feel more like I am the healthy looking one, and Ex’s obsession with that stuff just underlines his own insecurity. He was bullied alot as a teen/middle schooler and still fanatically bodybuilds for hours every day. I mean….at his age (42 almost) maybe see a shrink and accept yourself a little?

          • This may help you sleep at night: Quite a few female bodybuilders are actually really prostitutes. There is very little actual cash in the “sport” and competing is very expensive. Not to mention the really “jacked” women are often supporting anabolic steroid habits to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars a year. Ask me how I know? My last cheater was making appointments with an $800 an hour fetish prostitute. Turns out she was also a “successful” bodybuilder. A little research reveals that this is pretty common. They are drug addicts who sell there body for image management. Feel sad for them.

          • Liz C., ex was obsessed with body building, worked out every day for hours.
            Our conversations revolved around bodybuilding, supplements, his physique.
            One of my many faults was that I didn’t appreciate all the time he put into working out or compliment him on his physique.
            After I had our son, I’d go to the gym for an hour three times a week and wasn’t interested in competing or spending time or the money on all that entails.
            Ex now has what he perceives as the perfect woman, we’ll see how that all pans out isn the future.

            Feeling insecure and obsessing about their appearance, they need to prove themselves and feel superior to everyone else. Cheater has the “look at me” mentality.
            Could be that it’s something that followed them since they were children. Cheater claimed he was bullied in middle school and high school for being skinny.
            Evidently Cheater and his AP found “true love,”and their love knows no bounds. All the deceit, manipulation is well worth destroying families, shattering their children’s lives and years invested.

            • Brit,

              Your story and mine are so similar. My ex just turned 60 and still does all the body building stuff. As a matter of fact it wasn’t long after he starting injecting himself with testosterone and wanting sex every 5 minutes, that he decided he didn’t want to be married any more. 30 wasted years for me.

        • Hopeful, omg! the other woman, now wife is also covered in Rhinestones, expensive, shiney, sparkly bikinis, over priced sparkly jewelry and is a fitness competitor. Pumped up lips, boobs, extensions, oversized, thick lashes, overdone fake baked tan..,
          One night I was looking at Hawaiian vacations and coincidently an ad popped up for Hawaiian weddings with a photo of the two of them, a middle aged couple, dramatically gazing into each others eyes. The caption under the dramatic photo, these two are so in love they couldn’t stop looking at each other (not exact words but something stupid like that). Other woman, wearing a sleeveless, fitted wedding dress, long train swirled around her, hair up, head tilted, Cheater dramatically staring back at her. Pretentious, fake, and ridiculous…,
          just like the two of them.

      • Liz, they’re all the same, before I discovered the AP, Cheater had become increasingly, critical, indifferent. I frantically pick me danced while spackling the obvious,
        Cheater said we had nothing in common, and he wanted someone different, this after 20 years of marriage.., 25 years together,

      • One of the excuses that Cheater gave for leaving is “I never loved him.” Chump me took him seriously, blamed myself then did whatever I could to prove that I loved him instead of telling him to fuck off .

    • True Self–it is very painful to know the AP, on the surface, appears to be things we are not. But integrity is more important than any other trait or asset or degree or award. The best thing chumps can do after D-day is surround themselves with people who share values of true (not feigned) compassion, and honesty. Forming a community of chumps in your area is a good place to start.

      Over time, when you have the comfort of a circle of friends with integrity, who can tell the difference between sparkles and true character, you will develop contempt for the OW no matter how much she can pull off an effective impression management.

      • True Self – “you’ll like her, she’s better than you, slimmer than you, more intelligent than you ….” WTF!!! Yeah I’m sure everyone would like to be introduced to their husband’s whore like that!

        • wasband told me “you would like her. she is just like you USED to be. she reminds me of you when i first met you.”

          i told him “she could NEVER be like me. i dont fuck married men”

          • I’d be interested to see how wonderful she is after living with HIM for a few years – being the relationship police, making her needs small, catering to his ego, dealing with the lies and gaslighting. Once they progress from clandestine dates and illicit sex to “real life,” some of the shine will wear away. Do you think he’s going to step up to help with the basic adulting of paying bills, chores, taxes, child care? Wonder if she’ll still have time and interest for her hobbies and kinky fun times.

            Right now she thinks he hung the moon, right now she believes his lies, right now they are feeding on new relationship energy. It won’t last. And you know he’ll start his search for the next perfect woman while he’s still with her. He’ll just have to be sneakier this time around.

          • Yeah…. What actually reminds him of the way you were at the beginning of the relationship is that you were crazy in love w/him and thought he was great!

            These fuckwits want that kind of infatuation and adoration ALL the time. Adults know that calms down, and the real relationship grows from there. Adults know that if you want to be adored, you have to DO things that merit adoration.

            And narcs will pair up w/absolutely anybody, as long as they show that adoration.

            • Karen, ex and I were married 20 years, a few months before D-day, he tells me he doesn’t feel butterflies in his stomach anymore when he’s with me.., I had no idea of how to reply so I didn’t say anything.
              I thought it was a weird thing for him to say, I couldn’t believe that a middle aged adult man would seriously be thinking “butterflies.” I came to find out he was serious…
              They’re in love with the infatuation, excitement of the unknown. Adoration will eventually fade in any relationship when the routine of everyday living takes over. I don’t think they’re capable of a real relationship because that would mean they’re not the center of attention and they get bored or restless when reality takes over the giddiness of infatuation.
              Morning breath, grumpiness, garbage not taken out, dishwasher not turned on, coffee cup left in the sink, issues they had with former relationships are going to suffice. It’s who they are.., they don’t learn from past mistakes because in their mind they don’t make mistakes, they’re never wrong.
              Mature adults know a relationship is built on more than constant admiration, butterflies and bullshit. Mature loving relationships require empathy, compassion and genuine understanding. The are incapable of genuinely loving anyone.

  • My cheating ex put on a do-gooder front. He sparkled with a veneer of wholesome family values, and a strong commitment to community service and volunteer work.

    What people do in their community has no bearing on who they really are. There are a lot of disordered fuckwits who sparkle and shine for the public but are abusive and predatory in private.

    She sparkles in the light, that’s all.

    • Yeah, after D-day and after telling me he wanted a divorce. The cheater became Mr. Wonderful Volunteer. He was planning on quitting Royal Rangers when our son turned 18, but decided that he would go to the leadership classes that the top guy had been trying to get him to attend the previous years. Just one month before I caught him out on a date with his whore, he said he had 0% interest in the classes. He started volunteering for tons of things at church. The stuff that I used to volunteer for, which he never had an interest in. He volunteered to spend the weekend roofing someone from churches house. It was all and is all impression management. He’s fooled a lot of people, but I know the truth. And most important, God knows the truth and can see the motivation for everything he does.

      • Yep! God cannot be mocked.

        Proverbs 6:16-19 lists 7 things God hates & detests. All are done to commit adultery… and committing adultery does them all.
        1. haughty eyes
        2. lying tongue
        3. hands that shed innocent blood
        4. a heart that devises wicked schemes
        5. feet that are quick to rush into evil
        6. a false witness that pours out lies
        7. a person that stirs up conflict in a community

        • And of course, Nyra, if these Bible verses are pointed out to the cheater or his/her supporters, you’ll be accused of being judgemental, bitter and/or unforgiving. Sorry, not sorry, but God said all this and not I!

          • True. It should not be happening especially in a church!
            People who support adulterers must fear man more than God. The Bible is very clear on God’s view of adultery and the eternal consequence of following it through unto completion rather than repenting from it. People who support adularers are calling something evil good.

            • I 100% agree with you. From the very beginning, D-day, my ex was supported by my ex-pastor and ex-church. I never spoke one bad word about my husband for 20 years. Kept all his sin secrets to myself, because I didn’t want to be one of ‘those’ wives who talked bad about her husband all the time. After D-day, I had enough and knew we needed help. I went to our pastor the next day. I truly thought he’d be able to help us. Nope! He rationalized, minimized and justified every single thing my ex ever did to me the past 20 years, including going on a date with a newly divorced whore. I felt like I was going crazy and losing my mind! The pastor went so far to even lie to me three times and I know it wasn’t my so-called “bad memory”, because my sister was there for one of the things he said, yet later said, “I never said that.” TOXIC, EVIL PEOPLE! One of the things that bothers me the most is that my ex and that toxic church has taught my kids that all of this is okay. I just need to be forgiving and not judgemental. Well truly what is there to forgive when 20+ years of lying and cheating are denied? When a pastor lies, denied lying and said and I quote, “I didn’t create this mess.” Well, God saw it all and they’ll be justice someday. Not sure what that’ll look like, but it’ll come. My job is to turn all of them over to Him and let Him deal with them.

              • I’m sorry your kids have been deceived.
                Praying that God reveals the truth to them..& the truth sets them free!💞

    • My cheater was all about volunteering for the kids’ activities so everyone would think he was a fabulous and involved father. He would quickly lose interest once the novelty wore off and the kibble supply dried up, and then dumped the volunteering onto me because he was “too busy” or had to “work late.”

  • Rumorhasit:

    When given the choice, always choose CHARACTER (i.e. fidelity, loyalty, kindness, respectful, empathy, class — and staying in your own lane when it comes to other people‘s marriages) over CHARACTERISTICS (i.e. bigger house, bigger salary, bigger car, bigger shoe collection)! Sounds to me like you’re light years ahead of the OW.

    Character = Who You Are (values, morals, substance)

    Characteristics = What You Do or What You Have (external image)

  • The comment that there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert is somewhat triggering for me. My husband and his parents have always seemed to view introversion as a mental illness. I struggled for decades trying to be something I’m not, because in their world, extroversion is the only way to be. When I found emails from my husband to his EA partner, he lavished praise on her for being an extrovert – how it was so wonderful that she was an extroverted people person who smiled all the time. Unlike his shy, wallflower wife who doesn’t grin vapidly for no reason. And why shouldn’t she smile – she got his sparkly, giving self and I got his dirty underwear and scowls.
    No more trying to change myself. I like who I am. If he doesn’t want an introvert, there’s the door.

    • Yep this one struck a chord for me too. Dr. Cheaterpants never met a stranger. He could immediately endear himself to others but it never lasted more than a year. He had friends du jour. He was always texting and making plans with everyone–constantly. But no real friends or family that stuck around once they scratched the faux surface.

      I’m an introvert. Only have very close family and one really close friend. But I’d take the few real relationships over multiple superficial ones any day.

      I constantly felt bad about myself because I am shy and introverted. I love the ‘not my tribe’ 2 x 4 up side my head. I needed that.

      I’m okay as I am. No sparkles needed.

    • You can be a people person who smiles and still be an introvert – that’s me. But I get losing the smile. When your spouse ignores you, treats you like a maid and/or treats you like a roommate, it’s hard to find that smile and feel happy for having such a wonderful life (sarcasm). They don’t want extrovert – they want flashy. And flash dies quickly. Stay true to who you are.

    • For years my ex didn’t want to entertain guests because he was afraid they might notice that spot on the ceiling or that crack in the wall or wander upstairs and notice the clutter in the spare room. He also said he didn’t like to socialize because it was too much work trying to impress people. I told him that if people are that hard to impress they aren’t the kind of people we want to be friends with anyway. Evidently, those are the kind of people he wants to be friends with. If they aren’t hard to impress then they aren’t good enough for him. Eventually, I gave up and we didn’t entertain. We didn’t get invited much to other people’s houses either because we never reciprocated. Once a year I used to go to a woman’s retreat where I always had a good time socializing but when I got back ex would always be grumpy and he said he didn’t like me hanging out with all of those “old” ladies (it was actually intergenerational and personally I like hanging with older ladies because they are the ones with the wisdom). I finally stopped going on those retreats too. After he met Schmoopie, I guess that lead to him socializing with the “right” kind of people. Suddenly he was off socializing while I was left home alone to look after the family. I guess he didn’t want me along because I might embarrass him. Then, during the time just before and after DDay, one of the complaints I got from him was that I wasn’t social enough. He spent years preventing me from socializing and then complained that I didn’t socialize. I have had several parties since he left and they are always well attended by interesting and fun people who have a ball and don’t care if there are smudges on the walls or clutter in the sunroom. I am great at socializing just not with the sparkly turds he favors.

    • That’s their fucking problem. They are projecting their mental illness onto others – that is all. What scumfucks.

  • You wouldn’t want to be like her, running around trying to out-do others in the Altruism Olympics. Such contests have no testing regimens to determine the true motives of the participants and there is no pee test for malice. Lots of people use volunteer opportunities as image-management and open dating pools and you never know who is genuine and who is a turd.

    Further, can you really imagine being “sparkly” and hanging out with these types of people? Who is real? Who is screwing around on whom? You are just as likely to pull a mask-wearing shark out of that pool and regret it forever. Avoid the sparkly people wherever you see them, even if they are cuddling babies at the NICU or doing a spot count of the homeless. Tell yourself they are 100% fake. The gorgeous dude who ladles out Christmas gravy–you know, the one all the the volunteer women giggle over? Pass.

    Notice the quiet people who might be homebodies in that bunch. The zaftig, quiet, kind person with a nice smile who helps but doesn’t feel like they have to be in charge. The person who doesn’t give speeches or punctuate every event with brays of huge, look-at-me laughter. Get to know them- heck, you might be them.

    Do what matters to you and don’t worry if the list is short.

  • “Leave the OW to the Girl Scouts and sewing badges. Maybe there’s one for home wrecking.”
    I love it!

  • In Florida a few days ago, a man discovered a video of his wife having sex with his best friend.

    He went ballistic and shot her and her parents. They all survived.

    But what leapt out at me was while that the cheater wife- while her husband is in jail with no bond, her parents have been SHOT and her children saw all of this

    – what was important to her was managing her Facebook photos and status.

    Let that sink in. These cheaters- they are putrid different to their DNA. 🧬.

    Carefully curating an image is what matters- not meaningful relationships.

    This Girl Scout Slut Hag is a howling abyss of need and greed. Imagine the energy it takes to keep up her facade of a do gooder- her Machiavelli machinations as she counseled you regarding your marriage while lusting your husband while pedaling her saintly Samaritan shtick.

    What a laughable life.

    You are comparing yourself to a lunatic- Dracula’s Renfield.

  • The innocent Girl Scouts are subjected to this hag! I wouldn’t let my daughter in that group if I knew the real her.

  • One phrase, easy to remember, helps me.

    COMPARE AND DESPAIR.

    But if you can’t resist and you really need to compare yourself, make it count. Such as, “I don’t fuck married people and she does.” “I don’t lie and cheat and they do.” “I am trustworthy and they aren’t.”

    Etc., etc.

  • I found myself comparing myself to the OW a lot at first. As soon as I stopped viewing my STBXH as the prize, she no longer held any power over me. I don’t care about my ex anymore, other than his well-being to care for our children. I don’t hold him in high regard at all. Barely have respect for him. If I were to meet this man now for the first time, I wouldn’t be friends with him. I don’t want him back.

    Mind you, I am always courteous to him, as I would be to a stranger, and we have kids to consider. Still make sure that I take the kids out to buy Daddy a birthday gift and Father’s day gift, and even help the kids make a plan to take their dad out for his birthday (I got the restaurant gift certificate to cover the cost of the meal). But, I do all of this for my children’s benefit so that they learn kindness and how to make a big deal out of special occasions.

    But, personally, I want nothing to do with him. If there weren’t kids, I would cross to the other side of the street if I even ran into him.

    Once I reached this point about him, the OW ceased to matter too. He was right when he threw in my face last year that they have much more in common together than he ever did with me. They have in common that they are liars and cheaters. They have being “low value” in common. They have poisoned wells as souls in common. They have shitty-ness in common.

    As CL puts it, you go live your life and “BE YOU.” Gain your life and focus on doing what makes you happy. Go be your version of you. Why is it mattering to you that this woman is a GG leader? Does the GG matter to you? Does volunteering matter to you? If it does, then go find your own cause to immerse yourself in, but don’t go out and volunteer just because she is. Then, it’s not about you; you’re allowing her power over you.

    It is time for you to channel your time and energy into building your self-image. What makes you think you are only valuable to your son? You are valuable to all your family and friends. You are valuable to people you know nothing about. You matter.

    Now you need to start mattering to yourself. You need to start doing and pursuing those things that build yourself, continue to develop your gifts, and reflect the wonderful character you have that made you a person who believes and understands what loyalty and commitment and love means. Enjoy your son and the time you have with them. Make every second count with a balance of fun, exciting times, and quiet bonding, teachable moments. You disparage yourself for being “nice.” Please continue to be nice and please teach your son to be “nice.” Modelling and teaching kindness (in conjunction with developing a strong moral compass) is the greatest gift you can give your son. Because where was the kindness in your husband when he was sleeping with someone else? Where was the OW’s kindness when she was someone’s dirty little secret?

    Stop holding her up in any high regard. She’s a woman who sleeps with other women’s husbands. DONE. No amount of charity work can purify the toxicity of that measure of lack of character. She’s got your husband now. Thank God! He’s a loser. You can do better than a cheater and a liar. Good riddance.

    The best revenge is a life well-lived. Go live life well. You deserve it!!!

  • If you are trying to measure UP to the OW/OM, you will never succeed. You’re looking in the wrong direction, they are beneath you… and not very deep because they are flawed, characterless, soul-less, parasites.

    I would also offer, as I am past the OW situation (she dumped my X when she caught him cheating on her). The current GF definitely fits a profile for a narc predator like my X. She had an abusive first marriage. She lived alone and owned her own home. At 46, she was finishing her college degree and raising two dogs and two cats, and spent most of her time at the gym. (These are not judgements BTW, but illustrate the kinds of vulnerabilities these parasites look for in chumps.) I don’t measure myself against her – I pray for her.

  • The Twat’s first Schmoopie was 11 years younger than me but very dumpy! Apparently very smart but working a dumbass job. I’m smart too. I’m not Steven Hawking but I’m smart. She didn’t bother me at all to be honest because the only thing she could and did do was drink a bottle of whiskey a day – it was true love you see as he was the same! When that finished he hooked up with an old high school friend. She is attractive and never saw a picture of herself she didn’t like. I must admit I was slightly intimidated at my son’s wedding in 2017 because I have put on weight and couldn’t find anything to wear. Well nothing I could get both boobs into at the same time – and Schmoopie looked great. In the end I thought what the hell, went along all sweaty and after the photo session I went back to my car and changed into a shirt and jeans and ENJOYED the rest of the evening. And nobody cared. Schmoopie 2 left early because “she couldn’t take any more of this French business” (she was seated on a table of English speakers but you see, she wasn’t the centre of attention). My youngest and his gf invited them over for a fondue bourguignonne (beef fondue) and after the first round of meat was grilled Schmoopie told gf she needed to take the grill and wash/sterilise it. GF said oh no you don’t, you just keep going (it’s perfectly fine) but Schmoopie said “I’m a nurse and you need to sterilise it”. To which gf replied “I’m also a nurse but I’m French and I’m telling you you don’t”! Apparently it was quite strained after that. I roared laughing when I heard it. Apparently Schmoopie keeps him on a very short leash – enjoy that Twat! I’m loving my freedom from worrying about what kind of spectacle he will make when he props the bar up all night, no more financial worries and never having to have sex again with a guy who has just downed 2 bottles of wine and keeps saying “I’m almost there”! Talk about lie back and think of England! Nope, don’t have to do that any more! You’re welcome Schmoopie!

    • And if he is anything like my ex he probably resented you for not loving every minute of it and “thinking of England” instead of swooning over him and his drunken dick for hours on end. Meanwhile “she” makes him feel wanted and sexy. I guess he’s too drunk himself to notice that she passed out halfway through. If she says she loved it when she woke up it’s because she couldn’t remember and that’s what made it good.

      • Well apart from a sore fanny (we could have started a Boy Scouts’ fire) after he had drunk 2 bottles of wine, I usually just lay there making my grocery list in my head!

  • Yes!! All the yes!! There are a lot of ppl out there wearing “masks” that make them come across as good people… when really they aren’t.

    Finding our tribe will seriously do wonders. It sounds like you need to be around more ppl who “get you” and appreciate you.

    OW is a piece of sh!t. Underneath the Girl Scout badges and bake sales is an awful human being. She does all this stuff to HIDE because deep down inside that sparkly turd she knows she sucks. Hence all the overdoing it with volunteer work and all that jazz. It’s a form of manipulation. I say good for you that you AREN’T like that. Better to be genuine than a fake ass turd.

  • I can relate to this post today. My last partner, the boyfriend who I thought was my friend for 30 years (not my adulterous husband who left a few years ago), left me for his childless, slim, much younger than me, richer, home-owning of a beautiful, expensive house, six-figure earning valedictorian work subordinate. As I don’t know whether my last partner and his work subordinate, who I think is now his wife and possibly mother of his child, became physically intimate before he left me, I don’t know whether his new partner was an OW. It hurts to think that she is so much better than me in so many ways. (I am struggling to survive and keep my kids afloat–afraid of loss of low-paying job, poverty while I sleep on sofa in apartment I share with my kids, a young dad and his toddler, driving a beat up car, seeing tons of wrinkles on me, not even one date in a year.) That being said, I try to focus less on comparing and contrasting me with other people and just remind myself that I don’t respect my last partner as he treated me badly (lied to, insulted, invalidated me). So in a lot of ways, it doesn’t matter if my last partner’s current partner is better than me.

    • You are a survivor. You are tough. You did that for your kids as well as for yourself. You have every reason to take pride in what you have survived, especially after the way your ex husband went after you and your kids. He tried to destroy you and he failed. Your last boyfriend was a pussy who can’t ever really be there for anybody. That’s what his new girl has. If she ever really does need his support because something happens to upend her perfect little world, he will bail. He won’t be there for her and she is likely to fall to pieces because she has never had to be tough. Maybe she will survive too or maybe not but we know you did. Who is the better person really depends on your values and what character traits you admire in people.

  • “You will never get the truth out of a narcissist. The closes you will ever come is a story that either makes them the victim or the hero, but never the villain.” Shannon L. Alder

    Hold your head high. You are a person of depth and substance. I’m certainly you twinkle a little bit too, with the right sort of company.

  • My husbands OW is his lost high school love, younger than myself, long blond hair, in great shape, an angel in everyway, shes religious, has many volunteer efforts, and works. He worships her, treats her like a queen and romances her. I could never ever compete with that. The only thing i keep telling myself as he continues to see her is she is cheater, a liar and a deceiver.

    • Religious? So I gather where she worships they condone adultery? Splitting up families? She’s no angel, she’s piece of shit that is more than likely just using your husband.

  • The root of these comparisons is the the cycle characteristic of cheater relationships. They overvalue people (lovebombing, creating the illusion that this love is the greatest ever). Jackass explained that his other relationships failed because the women weren’t like me! I was the special one! Then, somewhere along the line (after weeks, months, or even years), they begin to devalue their partner. This devaluation may go on for a long time and is necessary for cheating. They can’t cheat unless they convince themselves that you are no longer “special.” So the first two phases of the cycle are based in cheater disorder and illusion–creating a fake reality through lovebombing and overvaluation, and then devaluing what had been overvalued–fake valued–in the first place. One the devaluation is underway, they feel justified in cheating. I think many cheaters stay in the devaluation phase for a long time–finding fault, grinding the partner down, isolating that person and thus keeping the “spouse appliance” in place while they snarf up kibbles elsewhere. Others are like the aliens that move from planet to planet, consuming all the resources from one place, then moving to another.

    Once we understand this process and how a particular cheater moves through it, we can see that disordered people are never actually in relationship with real people–they are always in relationship with the person they construct in their head. So their comings and goings have nothing to do with who we are—other than the fact that our pickers are broken and didn’t see that the cheater does fake relationships. We were all in, after all, thinking that the other person was real and saw us as real.

    Love is about making ourselves vulnerable to other people, by showing our “true self” and valuing our partner’s “true self,” not the career, the money, the nice head of hair, the size 6 body. Chris and Shannon Watts had an “upscale” home, had lived beyond their means and “detailed their life on social media. They shared photos of beach vacations to San Diego and screengrabs of lovey-dovey text messages. They gushed about their daughters and posted photos of the little girls’ gap-toothed grins and funny dances” (CNN). They were both physically attractive, had good jobs, and a baby on the way. But he was a sociopathic monster. What would be the point of comparing Shanann, the murdered wife, to the AP he literally discarded her for? The AP he killed his kids for? One of the signs, I think, of a hollow life is how meticulously that life is curated on social media to create an impression of happiness, of “having it all.” This is why discarded partners fall into the other insidious comparison of their devoted lives with the FB fakery of the cheaters.

    Comparing yourself to your idea of the AP is deceptive and dangerous. You are comparing yourself at your lowest point to your cheater’s overvaluation of the AP. Not apples and oranges–real apples and holographs of oranges. Something raw and real with an illusion.

    When I took my inventory after D-Day, I wasn’t happy with how I was living, for lots of reasons. I decided what I wanted to be in a year, in 5 years, and I set out to make changes. That’s the comparison you want to make. What is your life like today? What do you want it to be? Focus on that.

    • Lovedajackass, thank you, thank you! This explains everything. Married 22 years, “I was the love of his life”. Discarded like a piece of trash. Oh by the way, he is a Jesus cheater. When I asked him why, he explained that God had revealed to him and his three time loser (divorced all three husbands because they cheat and were drunks) that I was going to die and they were to marry. That was in July 2016.

      Obviously, I’m still alive and hope to be divorced this year. For someone who wants to marry the new love of his life, he has done everything to delay divorce because a lot at stake.

      I kicked him out October 1, 2016 when I realized he was always a lying cheating drunk who would never change. He cheated on both us with Asian happy endings. She thinks she is so special. They live together and still attend the church where this played out. The minister and his wife condone it all because it’s all about the money.

      So thankful God rescued me. I wanted to die when this first happened, in fact, almost did due to an autoimmune disease I came down with from the grief and stress. Thank you Tracy and fellow chumps for opening my eyes to who these people really are.

      • So glad you didn’t die on schedule like you were supposed to in spite of his efforts to stress you into the grave. Glad you are out. I hope you have found a new church with better values.

        • Chumpinrecovery, I no longer attend church. It is a trigger for me or that’s my excuse. I still pray and read and feel close to God, closer than I have in years. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back.

          • I get that. The church should have been there for you in difficult times and instead they condoned the wrong that was done to you.

          • Everyone’s belief systems are different. A church is merely an interpretation of the word, which has its own biases. And this particular church was especially damaging.

      • Well, they can stay friends with that minister forever. Literally. Because they’ll all be in hell together…

  • What @LAJ said.

    Plus. My cheater spent a significant amount of time to triangulate me with the people around me, prior girlfriends, friends, and family.

    In the beginning I was better than everyone else, more intelligent, more interesting, and I understood him better than even his parents did.

    Later, I was everything the others were and I was not.

    The point is the cheater creates a narrative very early on that reinforces comparisons. This is done to manipulate our behavior. He for example told me how much he liked how independent one of his girlfriends was and that she never insisted to come to events or parties with him. This was to manage my expectations and to manipulate me into being more of the same. He gave me very clear instructions that way of what kind of behavior he was expecting from me.

    The same applied to negative behavior that some of the girlfriends portrait: they were too gullible, not intelligent enough, asked too many questions, were too needy.. he clearly pointed out that I was supposed to not rely on him too much.

    The point is that you probably have been manipulated for a long time into comparing yourself with others due to the triangulations. Naturally, you do the same here. In my case the OW is a completely different body type than me (but good looking), less intelligent, and less creative. We are not comparable. And she definitely has a very low character by having cheated on her own husband for multiple years and destroyed her own family. NO good person does that.
    She also has been groomed by my husband for a long time. He likes women that he feels superior to and she had the gullibility that I was lacking. She was also his subordinate.

    Just ignore the comparisons, the real truth is that this could have been anyone willing to fuck your cheater and providing sufficient kibbles. It is about the ego: sex and everything else is a much lower priority.

  • My STBX’s OW is a politician – talk about shiny on the outside with no substance. She takes lengthy vacations with friends all the time (she has never had a full-time job, so that’s easy), but deep down that tells me that she can’t be alone. She has “values” that she stands for in public, but in reality she’s just a married man’s whore. She may be shiny, but I have standards and integrity. It’s sad, really, that her life is about manipulating people in the public eye, and she’s insecure enough about herself to cling to an angry, gullible man as her current diversion.

    He said she wanted to meet me and “win me over.” I told him I didn’t need any new friends, particularly ones with so little integrity. D-Day was 2.5 months ago, and with any mercy the divorce will be final within weeks. I’m not nearly close to being MEH, but I’m heading in that direction. They can have the bottom of the barrel. I’m taking the high road.

  • Considering while they cheat, they go all out to destroy you. Then you discover their actions, then you compare yourself due to having started to believe you have no value. Takes time to regain your focus and to truly look at the AP. Mine had several. None had character, morals etc. One was younger, in his 20s. Short and chunky. One a drug abuser with trouble keeping a job. At first I was damn I’m old and not muscle bound steroid user! In the end, now it’s how pathetic she is chasing the trash. Go roll around in the stench and enjoy!

  • You know what sucks worse than doing the “pick-me dance” in real life?
    Continuing it in my head- alone.
    That’s all the comparison narrative is.
    The trappings of pitting women against one another stinks like patriarchy. And a Costco of kibble.
    Women have been attacking each other for centuries. I would rather not. Do we benefit from it?
    Maybe she is a piece of shit human being, maybe she’s a lost woman-child, or a mathlete, or a Victoria’s Secret model. Eventually, she will realize it was all a lie, just like we did.

    No “Pollyanna” here- working to find the Meh.
    This includes no psychic kibbles for Mr. “it looks bad because it is” or adjacent new appliances.

  • People who knowingly sleep with married men have to look up to see the bottom. No amount of sparkly volunteer/education/perfect body etc etc can make up for ANY of it. By definition they are turds. In my case, the OW has a doctorate and works for an Ivy League— and she is still a turd.

  • You said that you are valuable to your son. It seems to me that being loved and valued by your child is better than the shallow-as-a-pie-plate opinions of a bunch of dipshits who are impressed by cheater sparkles. My mom was never Superwoman. She helped out with stuff at my school and scouts, volunteered once in a while, and joined some organizations, but she wasn’t some uber successful career woman. She IS a nice, good-hearted, likable woman who maybe somewhat overweight, but who taught us not to talk shit about other people, to always tell the truth, and made us go to every birthday party we were invited to, whether we wanted to or not. Like you, she might feel kind of ordinary, but my mom is a good person and she has empathy, which OW clearly does not. OW is a narcissistic bitch. Don’t envy her. My mom and dad raised two happy, well-adjusted kids. My folks aren’t glamorous. They are just good people. Being of value to your son is way more important in the long run.

    • And as a First Sergeant I used to work with once told me, “Cream rises to the top, but so does doody.” That’s all OW is.

  • The biggest mistake I made early on was believing the OW had something I didn’t. I’m sure many of us fought to preserve our investment and future with a repeat performance.

    As far as the comparative analysis goes so does youth. There’s nothing more pathetic than an older guy batteling age by spackling arthritis, a balding head, ED, or high blood pressure with a younger OW. It’s laughable.

    Cheaters bring themselves into those relationships and can’t hold up their end for long. They bring all those aches and pains as well as their shitty character along for the ride.

    And infatuation has a shelf life regardless of age.

    The Limited was always looking. He didn’t end up with anything close to the dream girl he fantasized about. It’s always a fantasy. Never will they admit the jokes on them.

    Stop buying into the disordereds fantasy. Instead look at the scorched earth and the trade down. There’s nothing appealing about either one.

  • Ugh, the Other Woman. As far as I’m concerned they are all stinking piles of horse shit. The OW had been divorced a whole month (her husband got a girlfriend) …she was divorced in November and fucking my husband in December. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that she was NEVER single and never had to go through all the usual shit one has to, to find a partner. And in that short time she actually went after two other married men (they both told me that) and my stupid idiot XH was the only one who fell for her ‘charms.’ OMG, if we could post pictures here. She is so fugly it isn’t even funny.

    When I showed her picture so my sister she literally jumped back, gasped and almost fell off her chair.
    My daughter asked me how I felt for being dumped for such an ugly sow and I’m not sure. DD wondered out loud if it would be better to get dumped for hot or fugly. She thought maybe hot would be better. I guess dumped is dumped and it doesn’t matter if they hot or not. When I first found out about cheater XH all I could exclaim was ‘You fuck that?!’ WTH….I mean a double bagger. Good gawd, it just goes to show you it isn’t so much about the OW…it’s just that they are willing to fuck anything and that includes your husband. I did see a recent picture of her and the Karma bus arrived for sure, she’s even uglier and fatter now. Ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside.

    I don’t think we need to even worry about comparing ourselves to those skanks.

    • “As far as I’m concerned they are all stinking piles of horse shit.”

      Horse shit can be composted and transformed into beautiful rich, black gardening soil. Plus horses are beautiful.

      Let’s not give AP’s more value than they deserve.

      They’re prions.

  • In the midst of wreckonciliation, my ex said “you should really reach out to E. I think you’d like her!” E. was his AP, and since he had “come out” as polyamorous, a big part of that for him was that I should be eagerly supportive of him having a ho — I mean, an affair partner.I politely refused. I did, however, read her blog, which he sent me a link to “so I could learn about his new love”.

    E. was a sad sack of a person. Having multiple affairs (while she was married), and most of the guys strung her along. Ok, she was pretty enough, but I found it pitiful that she scrounged for crumbs of attention from multiple guys, often doing degrading things to get their attention. and that was what she had out there for PUBLIC consumption!

    His first AP was a stripper who had twice filed for bankruptcy.

  • You all have been such a source of help for me. I am really struggling today I feel used, like trash. I want to break down and cry, but I can’t I have to keep it together for my babies.

    I am smarter, way more attractive as I’ve been told by everyone, even him and honestly she really isn’t pretty if she was I’d admit it. I was a amazing wife to him, I did everything for that man. I’m an even greater mother. I held it down for our family. How could he cheat on me with a coworker, come crawling back then cheat on me with another coworker! All while I was pregnant! He continues to see his current whore while I’m left to pick up the pieces. When I asked him why he continues to see her when he knows it’s breaking my heart ( we are living. In the same house for now) his response was cause he wants to. What about your responsibilities as an adult and a father!!!! What the fuck happened to the man I married!!!!!! God forbid I bring anything up, I get gaslighted it stonewalled. Instead of coming home he goes and spends all his free time with her, because he isn’t looking for a serious relationship! Are you fucking kidding me! We’re still married you fucking dick. She knew about me and still sees him! Someone help me! I’m going insane! I want to know what they do when he spends all day at her house? Do they cuddle pillow talk? Laugh together? Have fun together? When they go out, they must enjoy their fun? When they are out with friends does he hold her hand!? What do they do!? I want to know what is it that can make him treat me and the kids like trash. I want to just cry!!!!! Please someone help me out……

    • Listen. First of all I am sorry. Second of all, this is not a good or kind man. Right now you are enmeshed (living in the same house does not help) and so it hurts like hell. Later, when you are strong, you will see that he is a flawed, flawed unkind person with no concern for his wife or his promises (marriage is a promise, a covenant) or his kids. So is that an adult? No. Is she a nice person who knows that he is living in the same house as you and coming and seeing her? What does she think that she is colluding to treat you so poorly. It hurts now. Later you will be free. Trust me. Hang in there. These are not kind people. Come often here – you will be supported here. I hope chump lady addresses you directly because she says absolutely the right things. Hang tough and if at all possible get some time to exercise.

      • It sucks cause she knows we are in the same home, and just had our second child. He fooled me all those years and I feel like an idiot. She’s scum to continue to see him. If she knew he tries to sleep with me any chance he gets. Thank you, everyone has been so kind here. It’s been very helpful. I have been practicing self care. I can’t wait to get out of this hell hole, I think I picked the right lawyer, he’s dealt with cases like mine for years!

        • “He fooled me all those years and I feel like an idiot.”

          He fooled you for all those years because he wanted to suck you dry and then move on. You are NOT an idiot. He conned you and did so for this long because he could easily identify qualities he wanted in his orbit.

          Now he wants people who are as shady as himself. Be thankful he didn’t succeed in getting you to compromise your CORE values for him. He may have bent them, you may have compromised yourself somewhat – but when the chips were down you did NOT sink to his level.

          Is your attorney linked with an accountant? At the very least, gather up every bit of financial information you can find. GROCERY receipts. Utility bills. TAX RETURNS. 401K statement, did he pull money out of it? HELOC? Everything. Then scan it and email it to burner accounts he doesn’t know exist. Photocopy them too and see if family or friends are willing to store the box in a closet for you. In a precautionary manner.

          If the computer in the home is a FAMILY computer, you’re entitled to go through it looking for evidence to help your case. If you have separate computers you can’t do that legally.

          The sooner HE leaves to be with his string of tarts, the better. But if you have a house, don’t make yourself house-poor in a divorce. You may have to sell it and split the proceeds. You may find yourself renting a smaller home, or apartment in the same school district or a different one. Less square footage to get rid of a cheating fuckwit is worth it.

          You’re awesome. He’s not. Now you know. Broom his ass to the curb.

    • Also, get a tough lawyer and if it is a fault state go as tough as you can. Find a support system. Like doingme says below – he is enjoying your pain.

    • Aaah Sweetie they’re behaving like two adolescents. They probably sit and giggle, and hold hands and screw because that’s what teenagers do. But he’s a married man with children and a wife. At some point it will all blow up in his face because ageing teenagers just can’t cut it (did you ever see the episode of 2 and 1/2 men when Charlie tries to dress like Enrique Iglesias? Charlie has to compete with this gorgeous young handyman so starts dressing and trying to act like he’s 20 years younger)! Anyway, it’s hilarious because Charlie looks so stupid. And that’s what your husband looks like to everyone (except himself obviously). Trying to be “young” again. He’s an ass and you will eventually be so well rid of him even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Stay strong. Hugs from France!

      • lol I did watch that episode. That’s shit, trading a loving family for shits and giggles. I hope it blows up in his face, and he regrets everything. I also hope I’ve become strong enough at that point to not give a damn about him, and throw him out of my life! They are both trash. It just sucks that I can’t turn my love off for him, like he turned his love off for his family.

        • It’s most likely not love anymore, hon. It sounds like a trauma bond. Since he’s terribly cruel to you, has discarded you and is a horrible person, but you still feel like you love him, you likely have a variant of Stockholm Syndrome that abuse victims get. I know it feels like love, but it will go away when you heal. You need to go no contact, or at least minimal contact, until you break the bond, and possibly forever. He knows he has his hooks in you and is tormenting you for his sick pleasure. Don’t even talk to him. He’s evil and he won’t change. You just have to accept that reality. I know how hard that is. ❤

          • Thank you, it’s definitely hard but you are right I need to accept that he isn’t who I thought he was and move on. We have kids together so I’m am choosing to grey rock him. He is all those things you’ve called him. He is truly a disgusting person. I do think that he knows he has he’s hooks in me, because he treats me like he knows I’ll always be nice no matter how he treats me, because I’ve been very nice to keep the peace for the kids. No more I need to save my mental health. He’s enjoying the power he has now and I need to take my power back.

            • Heartbroken,
              I am sad that you are going through this experience. I think that once you can revise, not just intellectually but viscerally, your view of your STBX, you will feel better in many ways. I have found that over the last 1.5 years, I have gradually started to not always miss my last partner, the boyfriend who I thought I knew for 30 years. I know realize that I never knew the ‘core’ him (Mr. Hyde), the part of him that only intimate partners who get discarded get to see. everybody else sees only Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Jekyll.

    • Heart broken, we all have been where you are and I’m so sorry for your pain today. Can I take some of that on for you, at least for today? I don’t know you, but I love you. If I had magical powers, your soul would be unburdened this moment. Just know that there people out here who are your side and in your corner. Call anytime.

  • No need to compare yourself to a sparkly “Look at me everyone, I’m a do gooder” when they are a cheater. Trust me, I hear you on this, because I can relate, but never once have I compared myself to a cheater; in fact, I find they are below me. Way, way, way below me. There is strength that comes from knowing cheaters can never turn back the clock and they have sealed their reputation as a skank/whore/cheater/scumbag until the day they die. I will always be able to look myself in the mirror and know I’m a good person. I never chose my own self interests and purposely hurt other people because I felt entitled to do so.

    Quick truth: one of the many OW in my story is an advocate for women’s abuse – gives talks – on national TV, yada, yada yada. She wants to be seen a a martyr but she is nothing more than a SKANK! What a dichotomy, huh?

    So, yeah, I hear you how you may want to compare yourself to the OW, but reality is you are comparing yourself to a terribly flawed human being. If you want to compare your life to someone and feel motivated, don’t chose a skank as your beacon.

    • Wow that’s crazy, talk about a hypocrite!! Where do these people come from? You’re correct she will always know the scum that she is, whether she admits it to herself or not, I shouldn’t compare because I know I’m a far more decent human being, it’s just hard sometimes when he goes over there and rubs it in my face, and it hurts that he prefers her company over spending time with his kids. True also i shouldn’t compare myself to trash!

      • Very disgusting, it’s just pure craziness. She is fucking scum, if she thinks the universe won’t pay her back for her part in the destruction of a family she’s fucking insane. She knows he chooses to discard his children to spend his time with her, yet she parades like she is just so morally above everyone. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth. Does she think he won’t do the same to her? Does she know he tries to have sex with me every chance he gets? I of course deny his gross ass!!

    • I plan to completely ignore him from now on. I have filed and can’t wait to get out of this situation

      • Good for you for filing. My cheater cheated on me during both pregnancies and I lived in denial and stayed with him for 22 years of me pick me dancing. You are strong and very smart to get out now. The cheaters just never change, so keep going and never forget that you deserve better.

  • Just have to chuckle at the irony of the impression management these cheaters project. My ex’s other woman was recognized by her community for spearheading the following:

    “Trash Committee Chairwoman was presented the…Volunteer of the Year Award during the town commissioner’s meeting. X was a vital part of the town moving forward with the single vendor trash service. The mayor estimated X spent hundreds of hours getting the program ready to go after being tasked with position.”

    Not sure she’s much of a single vendor herself. Tasked with many positions if truth be told. Just TRASH – how fitting and appropriate. Tears run down my leg.

    • Hahaha! I wonder if she puts that on her resume.
      “Award winning trash committee chairwoman. Experience in many positions.”

  • Just ignore the other woman and who you think she is. She is really not your problem. She is a regular woman who happened to fuck your husband. Do not give her any credit for being better than you are.
    We walk on this earth, all the same. We shit. We love. We live.
    Your husband is the problem. He cheated. And so, in your mind, she had to be better than you?
    NO, JUST DIFFERENT.
    Different is not the same as better.

    • You’re right, just because she is fucking him doesn’t make her better. My husband is the issue because he allowed this into our lives. My anger is more with him.
      I think sometimes it’s just hard to not wonder what made him walk out on his family.

      • Don’t waste precious energy trying to understand it. Normal people can’t understand the disordered. You’ve got a lawyer, you’ve filed for divorce, you’ve gone grey rock. That’s great! Take everyone’s advice and copy every scrap of financial info you can. Give the copies to someone you can trust. Also give them your precious things, anything that can’t be replaced. The disordered will steal them, even if they don’t want them, just to mess with your head. Don’t let him see you doing all this safe-keeping.

        https://www.chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/

  • Ah, geez. She’s looking at it from the wrong perspective. She’s judging herself by the OW’s shitty values, which everyone seems to agree are all about appearances and image, not genuine altruism. If she was a genuinely good-hearted person, she wouldn’t have behaved so selfishly and destructively. We all need to be proud of how well we are holding up our own values, not other people’s.

    For example, I’m not considered valuable by anyone but certain members of my family, either. So what? I don’t need to valued by people who either aren’t part of my life or are in it just by virtue of blood kinship, not because I like them. I’m not in a position to be a volunteer, so I give to charity. The people who benefit from it don’t even know my name and surely don’t care where it came from. I’m not personally valuable to them, and what of it? The act of giving has ~intrinsic social value~. That’s the point if it, not being personally valuable. “Sometimes volunteering” has intrinsic social value. So does responsible parenting. So do kindness, moral uprightness and a whole host of everyday acts of human decency. You won’t get any bitch cookies for invisible good deeds and being a good person in general, but only bitches want bitch cookies. That’s why the bitch in this case is so public with her fake altruism. She’s also manic and obsessive about it because she’s overcompensating. There’s always that small voice reverberating in her cavernous, vacuous head that tells her she’s fundamentally a lousy person. She’s trying to silence that voice.

    Another example; after 20 years of chronic illness and with my extreme introversion, I don’t have a single friend. So what? I hardly ever meet people, but when I do, they tend to back off when they find out my situation. This is because, sadly, too many people are selfish and don’t want to have to look at the troubles of others, let alone be supportive. Well, fuck all those people. If I do find a friend, I’ll at least know it’s a true friend and not a false one like that hellwhore who so viciously betrayed her supposed friend. OW in my case has tons of fakeass, fairweather drinking buddy friends. Party people always do, as do the look-at-me-I’m-so-charitable grand dame delusionals like this awful woman who stole her friend’s husband. There’s quantity, but not quality. They won’t be there for her when she needs them most. Case in point; an asshole drinking buddy of my stbx complained that when he had cancer, not a single friend came to see him in the hospital. Scummy people don’t have true friends.

    Third example; I don’t even have a job. So what? OW has a job, which she screws up in because she’s a drunk. I’m not screwing up my responsibilities. I’m taking care of my disabled and mentally ill daughter. OW, otoh, uses her kids as props in her perverted stage play and can’t be bothered to even cook for them. Remember YOUR values. Know that you are living them and that this is the definition of living well.

    The thing about the OW or OM is that if they were anywhere near as happy or as giving as they want others to think they are, they wouldn’t have even dreamed of being so monstously cruel as to help your spouse to break your heart, upend your life, destroy your peace of mind and decimate your family. That’s just a fact. I know there are APs who claim it isn’t any fault of theirs, but they are in denial. They enabled it at the very least. In many cases they encouraged and even pushed the spouse to abandon the family by outright demanding it. In many cases they took the initiative to court and seduce the spouse. The cheater is ultimately responsible for his or her choices, but bad influences aren’t ever good people. Enablers of cruelty are also responsible for the pain and wreckage that results. So don’t envy the OW/OM. These people are failures at what really matters; personal integrity and social responsibility.

  • “Wishing to be more sparkly, by way of comparison, is another way of blaming yourself for your ex’s affair. If I was of More Value, if I was Impressive — This Would Not Have Happened to Me.”

    My era of feeling this way is a long time ago, but I have a keen memory of it. I have a very precious and sacred job caring for dying children and I used to soothe myself listening to a certain song. The singers voice was angelic and I remember (in my profound desperation of pretzelling) thinking “i wonder if he would have loved me if I could sing like this?”

    In reality, I was (and never will be) a singer…I was and am a truly decent person who cares competently and lovingly cares for dying children. I need a person in my life who sees value in what I do and who I am and while we should each strive to be the best versions of ourselves we can be, chasing a carrot of being like someone else is pointless and destructive.

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