Dear Chump Lady:
I’ve read your advice and I want to divorce her. But that’s what she wants and she is manipulating me into being the one to do it. We’ve been separated for 6 months with essentially No Contact and I’m fairly certain she is committed to Smoochy Poo. The RIC has convinced me to just let it ride.
I really want to tell her to go fuck herself and divorce me herself if that’s what she wants. But then I am stuck being married to someone who doesn’t give a shit about me. It would feel great to torch the whole thing, but then she ends up getting what she wants, at the expense of my self-worth. And I’m tired of that shit. (For the record, she’s the Ice Cold type.)
What makes me a worse Chump, giving in to her demands, or not freeing myself from this nonsense?
Growing Me Some Balls
So, you’re suggesting staying married to her just to spite her? Or because the Reconciliation Industrial Complex told you to?
Dude, where is your agency? Do you want a divorce? If so, quit framing this as What Other People Want.
You’re presenting me with two really shitty ideas — “standing” for your marriage while your wife is boinking Schmoochy Poo — or being an obstructionist to your own best interests.
Let’s game this out.
Shitty Idea #1.
Did you want to be a silent partner in their threesome? Or do you hope after 6 months of separation (cake) she’ll come back to you as Plan B? (or Plan Z… who knows how many plans she has…) Which would be awesome, winning that pick me dance, twitching with hyper-vigilance, until the moment she gets bored/annoyed/has a snag in her favorite sweater… and you’re suddenly the Obstacle to Her Happiness again. Exit stage right. Dance. Repeat.
Is that your idea of a marriage? Oh, right, I left out the RIC part where she emerges from The Affair Fog and your Relationship Is Stronger for It.
That won’t happen. But if it did, your relationship would only be “stronger” because you managed to consume the entire all-you-can-eat shit sandwich buffet.
Shitty Idea #2.
Deny her a divorce, because this is her mess and she should clean it up.
I get the injustice. Every chump gets it. She fucked up, she’s moved on, why the hell won’t she initiate divorce? Why must you bear the emotional weight of the decision and the expense? And if you have kids, why do YOU, the chump, get the Bad Guy optics?
Because you’re dealing with a fuckwit, that’s why. Cake and zero consequences are the cheaters’ preferred nirvanic state.
Trust me, the divorce shit sandwich is much easier to swallow than the Plan B shit sandwich buffet. If you want a divorce — and it’s absolutely understandable why you would! — GET ONE. Stop giving her centrality. Whether that’s thwarting her, or considering her feelings. (She clearly didn’t consider yours.)
You’re not holding her back. She could absolutely file for divorce and doesn’t need your permission. It’s probably a mindfuck. “I want a divorce!” thinking that will keep you in your chumpy place. And then she doesn’t divorce…. It’s all skein untangling. And who cares?
The legal types can weigh in on the benefits of filing first — and you certainly should be monitoring your finances and shutting down credit cards in common — but the reason to call a divorce lawyer is that you are SICK OF THIS SHIT.
Are you sick of this shit, Balls?
The heart of chumpdom is making your needs (and your balls) so small to “win” someone who “doesn’t give a shit” about you.
You said “shit” a lot there, Tracy.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
It’s unfair! Be mad! But while you’re railing against injustice and holding your breaking heart together with baling twine — call a lawyer. Do something in your best interest. Have boundaries. Cancel the credit cards. Shop for apartments. Consider a new life without her.
Walk in the direction of that new future. Free yourself from the nonsense.
(I hear it stimulates ball growth.)