Don’t you wish cheaters came with forehead stamps? Abandon Hope All Ye Who Date Me! Kibble Whore. Flaming Freak.
But no. We’re left to our own faulty powers of discernment.
After reading my umpteenth letter of Relationship Recitation with Waving Red Flags, I thought I should compile a list of People You Should Not Date. Feel free to add to the list. Maybe we can save the next generation of chumps.
Drama Doris. Life has been very unfair to Drama Doris, but you there (what’s your name?) You Understand. Could you bring her a cold compress for her forehead while she collapses on this fainting sofa? And maybe some snack crackers? You’re so sexy when you’re useful. All these other losers tried to bring her snack crackers and understand her pain, and failed! But you… you truly understand that she hates caraway seeds.
Sparkles Mc Gee. Incandescent in the 100-watt glow of his flaming ego, tap dancing his way into your affections, flattering the socks off you is Sparkles McGee. Yes YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE. Aren’t you lucky to win one so fabulous? Sparkles drops love bombs on you like you were Dresden. He thinks you should move into together! He’s picked out names for your future miniature schnauzers! It’s only been three weeks, but hey, you’re the one. (The one who will regret ever meeting him.)
You-Don’t-Mind Martha. Martha is still friends with all her ex-boyfriends. You don’t mind, do you? Tuesday – Saturday is Girl’s Night Out. Ronny is just a guy she works out with at the gym. A friend. No, you’re not invited to her Pilates class. You don’t mind, right?
Ambivalent Andrew. He could love you… if ONLY. If only his girlfriend wasn’t overseas right now. (He needs closure.) If only he wasn’t so tormented by his devotion to voting rights in Namibia. If only you tried a wee bit harder to win him. Ooh! So close! He feels something for you! But nope… it passed. Oh hang on! There it is again! Did anyone ever tell you what nice tits you have? You do. And so does that Sarah chick on Facebook. No, of course she doesn’t mean anything to him. He likes your tits better. He could even love you if ONLY…
Mourning Mona. No one can ever replace Ralph. Just don’t even try. He was the love of her life, but cruelly went to college on the other side of the state. Wouldn’t you like to know all about their break up? Or the funny hijinks they got up to on high school year book staff? You should’ve been there! But of course, you weren’t. It’s 15 years later, and thanks to Facebook she can see he’s married someone undeserving who really doesn’t get him the way she got him. They’ve reconnected! No, no. It’s just friends. She’s just getting some closure, so she can move on and focus on your relationship. And your inadequacies. Your not-Ralph inadequacies.
Two-Buck Chuck. Due to an Unfortunate Circumstance Utterly Beyond His Control, Two-Buck Chuck needs a loan. I mean, he wouldn’t ask, it’s just that he’s short because he’s spent all his money on something special for you. He can’t say, it’s a surprise. He’s also helping his widowed mother learn Esperanza. And he sponsored a couple orphans. He wouldn’t mention it but… Thanks. The orphans will really appreciate it.
This column ran before. And… these people are still out there.