Yesterday’s column, “Don’t Date This Person,” had a glaring omission — Jesus cheaters.
Bible belt? This Friday challenge is for you. You get to tell CN about all the sanctimonious weird Jesus shit your adulterers got up to.
Meeting in hotel rooms for Bible study? Sending you “thoughts and prayers”? Demanding forgiveness?
Jesus cheaters are their own distinct category of fuckupedness. Could anything be more narcissistic than thinking you speak for God?
I realize the other major world religions have their versions of Jesus cheaters too. Christianity doesn’t have the market cornered on hypocritical douchebags. But that said, I do think the New Testament lends itself to a certain sort of spackle that the disordered love to exploit.
I’ve published my Jesus Cheater prototypes before — but feel free to add to this list. TGIF!
Phillip Forgiveness — God has spoken to Phillip and forgiven him, so I think you should too. Phillip forgives himself! So what’s your problem? He prayed on this! We’re all good! I think you need to cast out the demons of bitterness and get over it. Jesus told Phillip that’s what Jesus would do.
Holier Than Holly — Holly has slept with half the choir and most of the finance committee. She doesn’t understand why God made you so ugly that you can’t keep your man. She’s just trying to sustain these men from the affliction of your inadequacies. Holly considers herself a saver of marriages, really. If it weren’t for the Wake Up Call of Infidelity to make you realize how much you suck, you never would’ve tried to improve. You can thank her. I think you should.
Deacon Dan –Don’t let the sweater vest fool you. Dan’s a pervert.
Martyre Martha — You weren’t meeting her emotional needs. But Bob on the liturgy committee, he understands. You have such a dirty mind! They went to that hotel for BIBLE STUDY. Martha is a SPIRITUAL person, unlike you. Of course you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never wanted her to be happy. You’re jealous of her relationship with God… and Bob.
Ezekiel Love Bunny — Ezekiel would like a hug. And another longer lingering one. Maybe a kiss? Hey, Ezekiel is just that kind of guy! Friendly! Would you begrudge someone FRIENDS? You’re so withholding. Can Ezekiel help it if people like him better than they like you? Maybe it’s because you’re so uptight. You should work on that. He’ll be sending you some scripture to meditate on while he’s out with his “friends.”
Amazing Grace — God saved a wretch like her. Was she stealing opiates from sick people? Did she lift your wallet? Well, that’s all in the past. Why won’t you put her on the finance committee? Are you going to hold those youthful embezzlement charges against her? That was THEN. Before God’s grace! Don’t you believe in Grace?
Willy We’re-All-Sinners! An emotional assassin whose weapon of choice is the false equivalency. Did Willy cheat? Well you don’t load the dishwasher right! We’re all sinners. Ye without sin cast the first stone. You make mistakes too and we’re all equal before the eyes of God. Did he mention how much you SUCK at loading the dishwasher? Because you do, but he was too much of a Christian to mention it before.
Mine was not so much a Jesus Cheater as a pious middle aged gay man who enjoyed stringing along increasingly infertile Catholic women of a certain age.
It’s very important to discern marriage, you see. While getting kibbles from much, MUCH younger and less knowing women who are taken in by your eligible bachelor act, and can’t understand why you’re still on the market.
Needless to say, I – with a lively sexual history – was never going to be quite good enough.
my mother – deeply unreligious in any way – said to me from a very young age that if an eligible-seeming man (or woman actually, but she was talking about men generally), ESPECIALLY from a religious sort of background, was unmarried / coupled up / without a colourful history of some sort after 35, there was a very good reason and to steer well clear. Unfair? Perhaps. There are clearly exceptions and arguments against, but ”baggage” of one sort or another is what normal, honest people with life experience have, in one form or another. When someone is ”never married, no serious relationships ever” at 42, despite being attractive, gainfully employed and sociable, there is always a reason. Always.
When I tried online dating….I would see a guy who was 50 + and ‘Never Married’ and I skipped right over them. I assumed he must be waiting for Christy Brinkley.
The guy I am dating is a 52 year old bachelor who doesn’t have much romantic history and it is actually working out pretty well so far (about a year). I enjoy his company and he isn’t a creepy leach or a misogynistic jerk. He isn’t frigid and disinterested or gay either. He is not an addict. He has been with the same employer for 27 years. His lack of recent experience was apparent early on, but he is figuring things out and being trained to my tastes. The physical side of things is going pretty well these days. He is very shy, a bit of an introvert and somewhat overly frugal which might be a turnoff for some women, especially those who might have wanted to get married and have a family, but it isn’t a problem for me where I am in my life right now. He spends enough on me that I know he wants to be with me but he isn’t bleeding away his net worth on frivolities as ex used to do. He is also willing to step outside of his comfort zone (which is somewhat narrower than mine) to go have “adventures” with me sometimes. If I want to go to a fancy restaurant (not his thing) I will take my teenage kids. I am not sure I would want to comingle my finances with his and I kind of like having a boyfriend that goes home after we get together most nights (although the occasional romantic weekend is nice). This would be true for anybody I could date right now, however. Personally, I am glad he was available when he was and his past (or lack there of) really hasn’t been a problem.
I had a friend who insisted that her boyfriend keep his own house. They were together over 30 years. They spent one or two weekends together a month. That was all she was wanting to have, and though he wanted more he was ok with it because he respected her and enjoyed their time together. They would see each other during the week as well, but didn’t sleep over then generally. Everyone has a comfort zone.
Although in general I tend to agree with Caroline Bownan, of course there are exceptions. I believe my brother is one of them. He married for the first time at age 52. He is rather shy & doesnt say much until you get to know him. He would probably be considered a little nerdy & slightly socially awkward. He did have several semi-long relationships over the years. He was probably lucky that he didnt chose to marry any of those. I know my brother has good character & integrity & a heart of gold. Of course, I’m biased though.
I don’t understand the thinking that if someone has never been married by a certain age, they must be fucked up. As if getting married/being in long-term relationship is an automatic endorsement of one’s sanity? The stories on this blog prove otherwise.
That said, some long-term singles do have stupidly unrealistic expectations.
Not particularly. Some just have high expectations of not wanting to settle for trash. It’s not always a bad thing.
I’d much rather be single than to have to put up with a man-child, to be honest. (That is not what I currently experience, having been in a loving relationship for several years now with a man who has enriched me in every way possible).
But then there was Fr Sparkles McCheater’s little run in with his bishop over his covert affair, who announced that he was being unjustly persecuted by the forces of darkness because he was so holy.
Go figure.
Crisis Chris – Chris is having a crisis of faith. He’s not sure what he believes anymore, so can everyone pray for him. He knows it’s wrong to be with that woman, but he’s having a crisis of love. Please show him your love and understanding. Chris isn’t sure who the real him is anymore. He’s having a crisis of identity causing the selfish part of him to take over. Come on everone. Gather around him to remind him of who he is and show him the way. Mustn’t we all work together to help our brethren in need?
I KNOW THIS GUY!
It’s so true- Crisis Chris is the worst. It’s like, ok, so you’re 30,40,50,60 and you’re confused about how your life turned out…SO ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE! But they don’t go ruining lives and shattering hearts- they work at themselves and why THEY aren’t content. They go to counseling or quit their jobs to go start blogs or anything but find their fulfillment or answers in something outside of themselves.
Lol!!!!!!
Clearly the only cure is the laying on of hands…
He did “laying of the hands,” in places where his hands should never have been!
I was thinking of a baptism; how long can you hold your breath?
????????????
Well, laying on, anyway. ????
Annointed with oil. Snake oil.
During the time we were “working on our marriage” and counseling with the lying pastor. Pastor called anyone who wanted to come up to the altar for prayer. Cheater went up to the front and I followed him, because I thought my cheaters heart was sincere. Pastor and others laid hands on us while cheater and I knelt and held each other’s hands. I am not the type to go up to the altar at all, but I did it again with the cheater because of the “anointed oil” and prayer that I felt we really needed. Little did I know that during this time, the cheater started a lie-filled smear campaign behind my back at his job and his friends. He’d lie to anyone who would listen. He was also already talking divorce to his co-workers. I had no idea what was coming when he blind-sided me with The Divorce Letter. And all this going up to the altar for prayer was for church impression management. Look at Savior Steve being all holy and praying in front of others. Well, God cannot be mocked or fooled!! Savior Steve got what he wanted. Lots of people think he’s the most wonderful, godly, Christian man. But God saw all of it! All 23 years of lying and cheating on me. All the lies he told about me. All the ways he played with my mind and drove me to near insanity. Christian’s do not do this! And so-called Christians who support this kind of evil are cut out of my life forever! My ex and my ex-pastor used my faith and my love of God to hurt me even more. I will never forget how evil and wicked they are.
Martha, thank you for this! I still have a lot of pain from Christian friends supporting my ex-Jesus-Cheater, as I faded away into the abyss of betrayal. One of my “friends” repeatedly chastised me for leaving Jesus Cheater behind. He said (verbatim), “Pastor Chris says if you would divorce FOR ANY REASON, then you’re not ready for marriage.” Wha…?? Then I would tell him, “I’M NOT MARRIED.” And he would look at me with the glazed look of someone who blindly follows their pastor. It just hurt so badly to be told, ” You’re not ready for marriage.” I’m one of those somewhat older (45), gainfully employed, attractive, social people who has never been married. Then to have my Christian friend berrate me like that…… Martha, I admire you for cutting those friends out of your life. I kind of wish I had–with this one– at least. Yes, God sees it all. He knows. And he is the God of justice.
Maria73, I’m so sorry you were hurt not only by a Jesus Cheater, but other people in your church and also your friends. I know how much your hurt, because we’ve been taught that all Christians are safe. But sadly that is not the truth at all and there are lots of wolves in sheep clothing hiding in the church too. 🙁 That makes absolutely no sense for your pastor to say you are not ready for marriage, because you refuse to stay with a Jesus Cheater. You are doing the right thing by cutting off the relationship with him. Keep being mighty my sister in Christ.
My exact story as well.
It destroyed my faith. I’m working on building it back up but it’s been incredibly difficult.
Divine Revelation Johnny: The Holy Spirit talked to him and gave him a personal message that lying, cheating and stealing from you was ok, because he deserved better than you. Oh yes, he was forgiven by God and he knows it, because the Holy Spirit sent him a divine warm fuzzy feeling. Sort of like an orgasm, you know, but it lasted longer than 30 seconds. Remorse and reparation not required because Jesus already paid the price. So if God has forgiven him, why won’t you also quit living in the past and put his infidelity behind you too? Elephant-memory bitch. (Jesus may have paid the price, but Jesus doesn’t send the child support checks.)
Crisis Chris is my guy lol. He claims now to have come to ‘realize’ that he wasn’t actually saved back then, and he was confused about who he was and what he wanted and what life was all about… but he’s saved for real now! He tried for reconciliation, even telling me that according to the bible we are still married (so much wrongness there!) but I’ve been at meh a long time now, and just laugh at him.
The Bible is pretty clear. If you are married your spouse is supposed to be like a part of your own body. That’s how you are supposed to love and treat them. Like a freaking limb.
It’s also clear when it says If they right eye offend thee, pluck it out. If thy hand lead you to sin, cut it off. I try and be a good Christian, and so I plucked that x right out, cut him from my life as completely as a I could (2 kids), and I believe God has blessed me ever since!
Jesus cheaters are their own special breed.
He stood in the pulpit and read Bible passages out loud about adultery. He hid his secret cell phone in the stained glass window in the sanctuary (bought and paid for by married OW). He used the church office as a private place to Skype. He spent church money on out of town conferences which were actually meetups. OW masterbated with bic pens, mailed them to the church, and those were the pens on a desk where people regularly gathered to meet and work. OW Skyped into my house to get spiritual guidance from my husband. He acted as a spiritual counselor to OW’s husband because of the crisis in their marriage. I could go on. He said he did it because she was “entertaining.”
Oh, and people in our church now accept them as a legitimate married couple who “found” each other. Apparantly the narrative us that they were both victims who have now come together in eternal happiness. Victims of what, I’m not sure.
And now they get my kids for holidays.
I’m gagging a little bit but I have to know…how did you find out about the pens? I’m sorry – morbid curiosity. I’ve seen you mention them before. gag!!
He left his secret Facebook account open on the computer. I turned on the computer and read all the messages. Afterwards, I asked him where the pens were and he told me.
I remember this as well. Is there anyway you can print up these messages, and hand them out to all of the attendants?
Ha, I could but it would make me look crazy. I have a friend who’s mother was cheated on. He doesn’t understand her pain and said to me, “I wish she’d just come down from the cross. She never let it go.” People don’t understand if they haven’t been through it. Better to talk to a therapist.
I will never look at a Bic pen the same way again.
Agree! So gross.
I remember reading about your ex’s bic pens tricks before – the idea that they were put in a church somehow makes it worse! I was picturing a stuffy board room or lawyers office before!
… beyond despicable. A true whited sepulchre. People like this and their profound hypocrisy are sickening. By their fruits you will know them as the good book says. And doesn’t Jesus say at one point “I never knew you”?
I had to look up the meaning of whited sepulchre. Spot on. Good one.
OMG – Your ex is a version of the Existential Erica I wrote about yesterday. It’s written in the stars…I mean it’s God’s plan that they be together. If you dare speak against them, you are so negative and need to be cleansed of the evil of your resentment. Cuz’ it wasn’t evil that attacked your family to begin with or anything…
Hope you have found a better Church community to engage with
The OWife in my case is the steroid, speedball-laced version of Existential Sara. A pastor who happily sleeps with other women’s husbands. God wanted them to be together. It was God’s will. God champions their love. No mention of those pesky commandments that say otherwise. They both deny she was an “other woman.” The marriage was over and they found each other – except we were still married – apparently a pesky detail which will remain unmentioned. It is easier to pass off the miracle of love story to her congregation because he was living in a different state with his wife when they first got together. He has tried to pass the story off to our adult children who know exactly who she is and what happened and refuse to have anything to do with her. I am the evil demon that kept them apart all of these years – while she was marrying and married to her other husbands. He has to be with her because her love for him is so deep and God-ordained. The fourth husband must be the charm.
They are both Cray-Cray and lie like cheap rugs. If the Lord was blessing anyone it was me when he freed me from the insane asylum I had mistaken for a relationship.
Dear God, there are a LOT of sinister ministers out there!
Honey, you have NO idea…
I did not go to church at all for almost 2 years, and neither did my children. Church made me gag with it’s hypocrisy and memories. Then I started reading the Bible, and now I’ve read the whole Bible cover to cover, twice. Then I found one church that loves us dearly, loves all types of people, knows what happened to me, and a lot of the people there know my ex husband personally as the awful bastard that he is. They surrounded me and my children with such love and protection, really pulled us into a gathering of people who would do anything for us and accept us for who we are…they are my family now.
Ewwww…that is beyond belief, or it would be if they behaved like normal people. Letting everyone share in the holy mysteries, all who share this one bread, this one cup and the handful of biros that she’s had in the one secret place, dogging ok, people make a choice to watch/participate, not my scene but all between consenting adults and all that, that is sick and would no doubt keep a conferencefull of psychiatrists/psychologists whoever has the special calling to understand the twisted and nonunderstandable busy f8r months, years. I can cope with God moving in mysterious ways cos well he’s God but that beggars belief
Mustard Seed, that’s just revolting. I’m so sorry.
Thank you.
This is why it is good to break the habit of putting writing utensils (and anything else of unknown origin) in or near our mouths. ????????☹️
This is why I always sign receipts,etc. with my own pen ! GROSS !
Mustard, that’s some fucked up shit right there! And people watch tv and wonder how a spouse or a ex goes postal on their betrayer.
Agree. It is really disgusting! And I was called “bitter and angry” for my reaction.
I never understand how people can openly accept cheaters who hurt so many people for their own selfishness. How do people accept them as a couple and be happy for them?! I feel that people who betray their spouses and get in bed with other people should not have support and be applauded for their extremely hurtful behavior. If you are unhappy in a marriage – leave, get divorced, then start sleeping with someone else. Sleeping with someone else while your spouse has no idea you are unhappy is just despicable. No one should find happiness in their new found love.
ShissNoMore … EXACTLY!
Why break hearts, minds and bodies? I will say it “They are EVIL”.
The.end.
Oh snap.
Justice Jonathan- “Well, I have a lot of problems like sex addiction but just because I recover from that doesn’t mean our marriage will be healthy. You have toxic and unhealthy relationship patterns.” This guy signs his letters “peace and love” and tells me how much he’s praying for me. He was his sex addiction to propel me toward a healthier life. Justice Jonny’s “true” priority is bringing me closer to God via infidelity. He wants to know about the hell that was unleashed on my life in addition to “all the good things” that have come from infidelity. He tells me that he really misses me and is hurt about how I’ve been removing him from my life and then immediately follows that up with, “I don’t understand why you won’t let me come to church with you.”
Pesky Paul- that church leader who tells you “you have the right to get divorced tomorrow if you want” but everything they encourage you to do looks like reconciliation. However, this person will damn you if you stay and damn you if you go. When you do reach out to your spouse for administrative reasons, you aren’t letting go enough and you’re confusing the poor addict. When you don’t talk to your spouse and you go no contact, they push you to work on character flaws you have like that you shame other people and hurt them because you’re hurt.
I know justice johnathan!
Funny how they use the excuse of “sex addiction” yet they are not turning said addiction’s outlets towards their spouse, and instead towards fucking anything that moves, isn’t it?
That’s how I know that “sex addiction” is a crock of shit. Just another excuse for someone acting like a piece of garbage.
Mine was Phillip Forgiveness all day long. He found Jesus as he walked out the door (and into the arms of AP). I found out about AP because they were seen together at church of all places and busted by a mutual friend. Friend told him he was not coming to his church to flaunt his girlfriend and he needed to really get right with God. Dumbass now goes to a different service at same church to avoid seeing friend. However dumbass tells other mutual friends to “please pray for Ophelia, she is having a hard time”…..WTF? Let’s unpack that. Projection, image management, guilt much? I make sure to tell my friends I am just fine and to save their prayers for the AP as she is the lastest victim. SMDH…
The Reverend Raunch-Dog.
My ex was (is? I have no idea) a pastor in a very conservative denomination (hint—no female pastors). He was also on several hookup sites as “a red-blooded American male who would like to see some sexy pics of u).” And he was planning to marry one of the OW, but I don’t think she knew about the others.
After I kicked him out, he continued to preach and give communion at the church he had been serving about an hour away. That’s some pretty impressive compartmentalization.
One of the things that pisses me off is that he had been making me feel bad about my spotty church attendance the weekend before I found out about the fiancé OW.
A large church in our city sent an email to me, inviting him to a special breakfast for “busy men of God.” I called & asked them to take that email address off of their mailing list, as he had been a “busy man of God” with several other women.
And yes, he proposed to his new wife during grace over Chik-fil-A. The #Prayer-posal.
I don’t know why, but the “a red-blooded American male who would like to see some sexy pics of u” has me dying over here!! HAHAHA These people are rich!
I mean, who knew that the man’s blood was red?
= )
And you know he would be preaching from the pulpit against women who are not chaste, or about watching porn!!!
I hate the sanctimonious hypocrite.
My ex, is a catholic, crosses himself passing a church, has holy water in a small bottle. That didn’t stop his ow following me and hanging around my house for years. Maybe he got what he deserved her.
This made me laugh. My STBX is not at all religious. However, shortly after I confronted him post-Dday, he told me that he had “confessed to the Lord Jesus Christ” and that he had “made peace with the Lord.” These were such bizarre statements coming from him. In fact, even as I type this, I feel overwhelmed with relief that I am no longer in the position of trying to make sense out of his endless, endless nonsense. The OW has that unenviable task now. 🙂
My NX has “found God”. Funny with me he was pretty much Agnostic if not pure Pagan. But since the OW left him 6 mo after I did, and he’s yet to con a replacement, its a great way to get kibbles. “Pray for me, who has been stricken with such misery and unfairness.”, “Lord give me the strength to rise above this persecution and hate being cast my way”…. and more such drivel.
“I am no longer in the position of trying to make sense out of his endless, endless nonsense.”
Yes, I know what you mean. The first Easter after she had left, she invited me and the kids to come to her new church where “the pastor preaches the word so well.” The church? “T.R.A.S.H. ministeries. (Totally Redeemed, Anointed Servants of the Most High”) A biker type church. No judgement, but hypocritical bikers being told I abused her? I’m wondering who will feel the need to avenge this sweet lil Harley chic (my STBX).
Best reply for Forgiveness Philip” is to play them “I don’t” by Danielle Peck. “You say that I should stay friends with you. That Jesus forgives you. You pray that I will but I won’t. The difference is Jesus loves you and I don’t”
“They say in life you get what you give, but there are some things only God can forgive.”-Kesha
That’s a good one.
My anthem
I laughed so hard at this, thank you CL!! My ex has been praying for me for 5 years now, for healing and that I’ll “Get better” and stop being angry so we can be friends. God would want it that way!!!!
He joined the skanks church (where she used to go with HER husband) which is Christian based. They bring in blessed alpacas for the congregation to touch – I mean, how much better can it get?? He wrote checks to the church from our joint account, crossing my name off & writing hers in. The church actually contacted me to try & clarify the address confusion. Sometimes he left my address, sometimes he wrote in hers. I clarified that I was his wife and lived in the marital home, and the OW was his affair partner that he had shacked up with. I also let them know that their other parishioner (her hubby) probably had a different address as well. I got a good chuckle out of that one!!!!
Wait.. blessed alpacas? Why alpacas? My experience with those is that they really don’t like to be touched.
Yeah, I wanna hear about the blessed alpacas, too. lol 🙂
Do the Alpaca’s baptize the parishioners with blessed spit?
Love it.
WHAT? Blessed alpacas?!
This thread went off base with Bic pens — *alpacas*?
I got the old, “I know God wants me to be happy.” Apparently God doesn’t give two hoots about my happiness or my children’s happiness, or the happiness of the innumerable other friends and family members he hurt!
And also this gem, “I’m not committing adultery by my definition.” I didn’t know we had the authority to rewrite the commandments!
one of ex’s coworkers told me this:
I’ve never seen him so happy!!
he’s consumed with this woman.
I too thought “what about my happiness, my children, our 25 yr marriage, the vows he took, my now lack of health insurance, loss of home, family, my grandchild…all due to his smear campaign and lies while he was chasing his happiness….”
she has no idea how close she came to being knocked on her rather expansive ass. it still pisses me off.
I’ll toss one into the ring – God Doesn’t Love Me Gideon
Creature was one of those ‘philosophy, logical, pseudo-intellectual, let’s debate about why God can’t exist’ types.
Funny how when D-Day arrived, he fell into the sniffly, ‘woe is me, ‘I must be this way because God abandoned me’ routine.
Well, jackass, you did a bang up job of finding an endless supply of tramps to fill the void that was supposedly left within you. Maybe God will embrace your ass again but I sure as hell won’t (no pun intended)
= )
Dr. Cheaterpants and I were active in our Catholic church, sent kids through the parochial school system from preschool up. Both in Catholic high school, fuckwit is on the school board and volunteer asst coaching when our iClouds are joined with an upgrade and I see his texts and emails to DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach. He was supposed to be the mature one guiding several 20-somethings coaching young girls. Nope, he’s one of the gang and taking them all out for drinking shots and screwing all night, uhm I mean making coaching plans.
Since this was the second know schmoops in our 20 years together and he is a control freak asshole, I booted him. He is still with this latest young schmoopie living the high life. Buying a $450k home, lots of jewelry and tropical vacations, all while no longer paying for stuff for kids. SMH.
Initially he was trying to still show up at sporting events for both kids our kids in the Catholic school and trying to make this ho look legit like a real girl friend. I had outed him to the school when I found out and they were both fired and he was replaced on the board. They tried for a good year to infiltrate the girls’ practices, invite the team over to their new big house (thank goodness most parents wouldn’t have anything to do with that shit).
Ahhhh, and he still is an asshole to the kids. He’s a control freak. She’s a bleach blonde bimbo but mousy. I’m sure he’s enjoying the power and control and her submissiveness.
DD and I were at a tournament out of state and she needed to reach him on a Sunday morning and told me he wasn’t answering her calls or texts, she thought he must be a church. I thought what’s the point? Surely other church attendees are looking at this 50 year old, bald man, walks with a limp and a 20-something bleach blonde bimbo judging. Ha ha. It’s like doing the drills for your sport and never being able to execute a single skill or play in the game. A waist of time for all involved!!
SuperDuperChump won the Texas Lottery on Jesus Cheaters.
SuperDuperChump got baptized on an Easter Sunday. Turned it over to God. Changed his evil ways. Finally saw the light.
SuperDuperChump had no idea at the time that the “Minister” who Baptized him was banging his wife. Even banged her the night before.
No one can understand why SuperDuperChump enjoyed watching the TCU Horned Frogs get their asses kicked this year.
You were BAPTIZED by the OM?
Okay, you win.
Some folks want to go to hell and don’t want to have to stand in line.
They want to take the Hell Express.
I am at the point in life where I am able to laugh about it. I guess it would make a great ice breaker if I ever decide to join another church.
Brother,
I’m happy to hear your faith persevered through this horrible experience
“Some folks want to go to hell and don’t want to have to stand in line. They want to take the Hell Express.”
That cracked me up and made me smile all the way on the inside. And the church said, “Amen.”
Baptized by the OM…there is …I mean that is…I mean…what?!? No words. That’s awful.
SuperDuperChump has been in a 2 year relationship with his Polar Opposite and has never been happier.
I am living in one of those Hollywood Chick Flick movies that just can’t possibly happen. Perhaps “unrealistic” Hollywood portrayals could be incorporated into Friday Challenge.
I am also living an unrealistic Hollywood chickflick story that seemingly could never happen – so much so that when I post about what happened to me I add the disclaimer that “results will vary”
…I would never advise anyone to follow my path thinking that they would have the same ending…it all to unbelievable.
God works in mysterious ways. I’m super happy for you, SuperDuperChump.
AGH. the minister who baptized you banged your wife the night before ? – winner winner chicken dinner
So sorry for your pain. What a suckfest. I hope you ran from her like her hair was on fire.
My parents had friends who broke up when the wife banged their priest – the same priest the husband had gone to for counsel in his crumbling marriage. Years later they met (separately) reconnected with both of them…the husband wept as he told the story and the wife laughed. Purgatory is waiting for her.
Any reason the wife thought it was funny? I mean saying “I cheated with the same priest my husband was trying to get counsel from ” sounds horrible – not funny. I hope the priest lost his pastoral license or whatever it is they have.
Rest assured…there’s a special place in hell.
I shall dub my ex Two-faced Tom. He was always so pious and holy at church and around that set of friends and was also the one who could make the dirtiest joke around another set of friends. He was a deacon in our church and taught the high school kids Sunday school class while he slept with every coworker who was willing. I had to be the perfect Christian wife, mother, and example. Most of the church members couldn’t believe it when they found out he was cheating… and didn’t want to get involved. I was treated like an outcast amoung people who should have helped. I was no longer one of them. The veneer had cracked. God forbid you have a hard time with a cheating husband! Your getting a divorce…we don’t know how to communicate with such folks!
Then when he confessed to me that he cheated and that he hadn’t loved me for years, the poor tortured souls said he was trying his damnedest to do the right thing. All this termoil was going on in his poor little head while we were in the process of adopting twin girls. He said he decided to wait till we had them a year before telling me to make it “easier” on me. So sweet…
Disgusting Darrell is a Native American practicing Buddhist. And he wears a cross around his neck. He likes to impress numerous people. When he was being investigated by children services for his love of abusing the shit out of his pets in front of our child, he simply showed them his lovely meditation room and how he deals with his rage and sex addiction by meditating and colouring in children colouring books.
He drags our daughter to Buddhist temples when he is not in his acting out phase. When we were still married, he would go visit ‘massage’ parlours at lunch and come home to ‘meditate’. Disgusting, dirty, demented, dim witted Darrell.
Cleanse those negative thoughts, Carrie. Light a salt lamp, ding a bell, rake some sand. Become as enlightened as Disgusting Darrell.
I don’t mean to mock the practices of faith traditions. I’m an educator in the Catholic school system and have taught World Religions for 15 years.
I do mean to mock those who treat faith traditions as a trend. Today it’s mandalas and ripped jeans. Tomorrow it’s a sweat lodge and skinny jeans. None of it has substance because these faith traditions are all supposed to be expressions of an understanding that there are universal truths about a greater good than ourselves, the love that stems from that greater power, and morality of how one ought to live to reflect the goodness of that power. When that is missing, it’s just smoke and mirrors – a misguided notion that greater self-actualization has been achieved when really only greater self-interest has been gained.
Now go burn some sweetgrass…
OptionNoMore I love you 🙂 And I agree 100% with your comment. And I am actually going to use sage today – in a good way. Happy Friday!!
In some dressing?? I love a nice, hot, heaping serving of Stove Top!
I had many of these same thoughts — so I guess you can probably appreciate the mean joke that went through my head, which was “He can go smudge himself”. ????
“He can go smudge himself.” THIS! When Snakeface started on his Lakota path, he’d smudge our house with sage before he started tying prayer ties for Lakota rituals. He was well into his relationship with Spiritual Slut then, so the smell of sage became the smell of betrayal and abandonment. If I’d only come up with “Go smudge yourself.” on my own. That’s brilliant!
I mean no disrespect to you, Carrie. The sage that triggers me is the same sage that heals you, so the sage itself is innocent, neutral. The intention, and the integrity of the user, are what count, so smudge on!
Same here. I smudge a space now and then myself. My snark is directed in exactly the way I understood what Carrie described – disdain for the exploitation of something good into a tool for deceiving and manipulating the vulnerable.
Thank heaven for CL and George Simon and others who teach us how to see through these ruses.
(Oops, OptionNoMore, I meant to put your name in with Carrie’s, mea culpa!)
No disrespect taken 🙂 I totally understand triggers. And lol to ‘spiritual slut’. Hah, I have met a few.
Though the ‘girl’ DD eventually left for (ya – I kept hoping and being fooled) was a transvestite Spanish person that was very very broken. Oh, and his student (he teaches upgrading at a community college). Ohhhh how I wish I could go back in time!! I would have a lot of fun!
“so the smell of sage became the smell of betrayal and abandonment.”–beautifully said!
That is alot of alliteration!
My ex got a Masters degree in religion from Univ. of Chicago – took so long they said if he would just write a dissertation and come back to campus for one semester he could get a Phd, but of course he didn’t finish. Got a job as an assistant pastor at a small Baptist church (he grew up a Baptist), but was never ordained because he said it was the church’s duty to invite him to be ordained, and at this small church they expected the individual to declare their calling and ask for ordination. Because he knows more about God and the Church than anyone, and he is always right.
We moved to a suburb out of town and joined the Presbyterian church, where he taught the older ladies Sunday School class and served as both a deacon and elder (always berating the pastor for various shortcomings). I had stopped attending the church (and never was in one of his Sunday School classes) when his affair with the bat shit crazy Bunny Boiler was in full swing (she lived a state away). Found out later that he would go to the early church service, then head out to his car to sext with the OW, sending her dick pics and she would send pics of her tits and crotch. THEN he would turn his phone on and tuck it in his front pocket so she could listen to him teach his Sunday School class! His words were so magical!
Well, that is especially disgusting. Hypocrisy on stomach turning awful levels!
Oh my goodness
My ex did the phone in the pocket for SS (which I attended) and preaching sermons (I was in the choir), too.
Oh yes. Willy We’re all Sinners. He was an elder at my church. During discovery I asked him how he could serve communion to people (in my faith this is considered a very Holy Sacrament and only appointed elders/pastors are asked to serve communion) after knowing he’d had craigslist rendezvous over lunch on the Friday before….his answer “we’re ALL sinners”. When our pastor humbly tried to talk to him and tell him he needed to truly apologize to me for all that he’s done to me and our family…Cheater Cheatson’s response to him…”well you just don’t know what she did to me.”
My Cheater didnt pull too many Jesusy stunts, but a few…
We were a devout Catholic family (I converted for family unity then became a hard-core Catholic)…he said that it was OK for him to leave with Susan of Seattle because me and the kids had been his “gift” to the Church…he could leave us on the alter and it was ok to walk away with Susan…he could then work on converting her. The only gift I ever knew he bought her was a book on Catholicism. He said that Susan of Seattle (banger of married men) was “the most Christlike woman he knew”.
He said nothing he ever did was adultery because we were never married in the Church. Well yes there was that big wedding in a Catholic church building with 2 Priests and bridesmaids and grandmas in chiffon and 180 witnesses, but that didn’t count because he was so reluctant that his “consent” was never fully valid…
he told me this theory during wreckonciliation which meant that if he was accurate, then our marriage at that minute was still invalid and spiritually, we were merely “shacking up” and to me the situation needed to be corrected.
I asked him if we could please go down to the Church on a weekday and privately reconfirm our Sacrament with the Priest or Deacon and he said (at the time we had been married like 18/19 years) “If I live until our 25th anniversary, we will do it” (odd thing for a 43 year old guy to say but I have found that Cheaters often oddly foreshadow their lives with odd things they say).
So I lived this sucky wreckonciliation for years then just before the 25th anniversary, he had his best friend tell me that he decided to not do it. I was left in a spot where I was ostensibly not in a valid marriage and the only option I had was to divorce him and get an annulment…yet he ate cake and gave just barely enough kibbles to keep me in the marriage (seemingly helpful at the time because children).
As a devout Catholic, his declaration that our marriage was invalid and refusal to fix it (despite my daily prayers that we would go to my little country church and have our marriage blessed) caused me such pain.
I was smoking hopium and perplexed about what to do. His behavior was spiritually abusive. 374 days after his refusal to renew our vows on our 25th anniversary, he dropped dead. A year and a half later, I went down to my little country church and had my Lutheran marriage (with my new husband) blessed by the same deacon I had hoped would marry me and Cheater.
I particularly like your insight that: “Cheaters often oddly foreshadow their lives with odd things they say.”
If only we could have known at the time that they were telling us their plans!
I DO think that there are times when they tell us the truth (like “I never loved you” or some such) but we don’t believe them because the truth are mixed into so many lies and we bring our own hopes to the conversation. After my experience, if a newbie told be that their spouse said “I never loved you” I would encourage them to believe it.
Similarly, those who use a lot of projection tend to tell a lot of truths if you listen (I tended not to listen because he was accusing me of things in his rants which I later realized were all truths of his).
I got accused of cheating at least once a quarter and anytime I looked at any other woman, you could see the anger in her eyes. I’d actually go out of my way to not look at any women, which is hard to do in a world filled with 1/2 of those “hungry-eyed whores.” Yes, in retrospect, projection.
//he told me this theory he had…that our marriage at that minute was still invalid //
//he was so reluctant that his “consent” was never fully valid//
//…he dropped dead.//
Woe unto the man whose measure of iniquity is full!
And also, Congrats!
Unicorn no more – I have also met ‘unilateral annulment’ types who cause their spouses horrible pain.
It’s bullshit and it’s abuse. The only way your marriage could be annulled would be by him and you both fronting up to the marriage tribunal, being deposed with actual evidence, with witness statements, and then a due process.
But because he knew he was full of shit, and that he had zero grounds for annulment, he didn’t have the cojones to face up to the tribunal.
Pretending that he had his fingers crossed means nothing before God or the Catholic Church, because the marriage is always presumed to be valid unless there’s some damn good evidence otherwise. Catholics aren’t Muslims – you can’t just say ‘I was only pretending’ three times and suddenly you’re living in sin.
I know you probably know all this, but other people might not, and it’s absolutely shitty the your late ex did this to you – it’s spiritual abuse. I am so sorry – I am glad he’s dead – I am glad you pray for him – and I am super glad God sent you such comfort afterwards.
Thanks for your kindness
I think on some level he fancied himself in the image of JFK who had a respectable Catholic wedding to a respectable woman but he could do what he wanted behind closed doors because he was SPECIAL.
As we grew older, I grew in my faith and dragged him along with me and with his life viewed in the contest of adult faith, he likely found some profound cognitive dissonance and need to blame.
He had, at any point in time, the option to say “I was too immature and disconnected to give full consent that day (he actually really did seem to believe that part of his story…maybe there is some truth to it) and I have never been fully, sacramentally engaged in this marriage, it is invalid and we will pursue a divorce and annulment” but he never did because cake.
Im still pretty mad and will likely be forever, but Im sure it is so much worse for him. His early decisions caused him to fail miserably at the most important aspects of life. I do believe he exists in Purgatory and is now fully aware of the things he disassociated when he was alive. That experience has really got to suck.
I always like the part in the story where he drops dead.
Which is probably not very Christian of me.
I like that part too CL????
#MeToo again
Should we not delight in the will of God? God gives and God takes away. Give him thanks ????
Tom Trinity–he IS God. He feels he is in a lot of pain. Every day. But, he points out, Jesus only suffered a short time on the cross, whereas he suffers all the time. From this he concludes he is equal to Jesus–a part of God and in communication with God. And as further evidence, God sends him signs all the time. His driver’s license number has a 3, a 5, and a 7 in it (as do his license plate and his birth date and his social security number–these numbers are holy signs!) Three blackbirds landed on a telephone wire right before his eyes while he was thinking about how much he wants to quit his job and go to seminary, and since God sent him a 3, he knows quitting is the right choice. Oh, and his wife needs to “beg on her knees for forgiveness” from him for sinning and requesting a separation. All his sins are forgiven, but hers are another matter, because breaking a vow made before God is the greatest sin of all–i.e. wanting a separation.
I’m surprised he didn’t slaughter chickens and inspect the entrails, not sure how I’d numbers work in your neck of the woods but sometimes numbers on significant docs include a nod to the birthdate, so if his birthdate has significant numbers other docs will have too. And honestly not counting 0 there are only 9 numbers to choose from
You’re telling me! He’d use simple addition to get to his magic numbers too–so 1 blackbird on one side of the road and 2 on the other also got him to 3, etc. It was hard not to find signs of God’s approval.
On the bright side, he was asked to reconsider his “calling” and kicked out of seminary after one term.
Well, unicornnomore, thank God he gave you all you needed for an annulment so that you could be free of this farce. He was an embarrassment to Catholicism with no clue about what constituted a marriage in his special brand of theology.
So happy that you found a fulfilling love. God bless.
I didnt need an annulment since he died although if I could get a posthumous one, I would apply for it. (Apparently they sometimes do posthumous annulments in Italy to mess around with inheritances but in the US its not a thing). He was an exceedingly good example of why we are not to create our own theology or truth.
I believe he is in Purgatory now and likely has a better grasp on these truths than I currently have. That must be frustrating for him. Occasionally people will tell me they hope he is in Hell, but I dont want that. I sacrificed years of my life in prayer for his soul – too much to throw it away. I am not sure if there will be any interface between us when I die…sometimes I hope that one of his acts of penance will be accounting for every lie or act of abuse against me. God has a system for these things and I dont know what it is…Im gonna trust Him on this.
I think your prayers for marriage were answered… with Husband Good Guy.
The OW in my marriage was a texbook Holier than Holly. Which is pretty rich, since my ex was pretty much a disinterested atheist…sure, he veiled it in ways by saying “I’m more spiritual than religious” or “I just get more out of being in nature than in church.” Except I never saw the man reflect on anything, meditate, or spend any non-work-required time in nature.
One of the few credit card line items I was able to tie to OW was for a jewelry store. Ex explained that away as his ol pal OW’s cross necklace broke on a scuba trip. He felt bad…so he replaced it. NBD, right?
I hope they both burn in hell. Since OW was an unemployed leech who still lived with her (very fundamentalist Christian) parents in Asia, I took the opportunity, during the last week I was officially Ex’s wife, to send her dad a letter. I made sure to tell him everything that happened, including the fact that I had concrete proof that his daughter was actively breaking up my marriage with my husband. I made it clear that there was no blackmail motive involved, just that myself and my lawyer should not have to know what his daughter looks like with my husband’s cum all over her face.
I never knew if the letter reached him or not (I sent it to a work address I found online), until she email-berated me a few months later. The only communication she and I had…and I am pleased that it was able to confirm that I got her where it hurt. Even a tiny bit.
Wow. What did the email say?
It said, in a nutshell, that I am the wife of XXX, and that I desperately loved my husband. I told him that when my ex met OW I thought it was great that he had a friend in a foreign land while he was away for work…but that I now had proof that there was an affair, and he was leaving me. I told him as a Christian myself, I was desperate to save the marriage but that OW continued to talk to my husband.
I told him that I thought he should have the truth, no matter what happens and that as a Christian man he should know what his daughter was doing and that Ex was not being honorable.
In retrospect it was just me being desperate and emotional. But it was cathartic; the idea that my EX could now never just slide into that family as a poor, innocent, misunderstood divorcee has helped.
My stbx probably hasn’t gone to church since he walked out on me and our 3 kids last year to live in his recently inherited (from his parents death) house with his hunting and drinking friend. We shall call this other guy FUDS. FUDS filed for divorce from his wife of 24+ years within a month of my father-in-law dying. Neither my stbx or FUDS had ANY time for their kids or any other activity last year. Now FUDS likes to tell his ex-wife that “I am praying for you” and that she “has no soul”. He even showed up at church to harass her while she was reading. He texted her that she “should listen to the words she is reading” and “tell the truth”. FUDS thought this was hilarious and was even bragging to his friends about his bad behavior. Luckily a few of them apparently told him to knock it off – doubt it will deter him though. FUDS loves to hold himself out as the devout Catholic and injured party. Woe is FUDS! FUDS is a pervert too. After I had my double mastectomy a few years ago he started texting my stbx pictures of women in wet tshirts or topless.Special place in hell for these losers!
Wouldn’t be shocked to find that your STBX and FUDS have their own special relationship.I remember reading about him before and thinking how convenient for the both of them.
My oldest child is convinced he has a significant other – be it FUDS or someone else…. not my problem but I’m sure the truth will come out eventually.
Mine (xh2) loved to gossip and whine about the ‘Jezebel spirit’ that was trying to seduce the ‘men of God’ – but I didn’t realize he was one of those men and just how abusive and perverted he really was.
The whole time he was always criticizing me for ‘flirting’ with men, such as greeting the butcher as I bought meat or any slight interaction whatsoever with anyone. I left that place quickly and ghosted him, what a toxic misogynistic crowd it was.
Sorry for the double posts…but had to put this one in there too— my ex left everything behind–everything– and one of those items was a leather bound journal I purchased for him one year. He’d written in maybe 4 pages total but in retrospect it was creepy nonetheless. He wrote about how he wanted to leave behind a legacy about his political view points and make a difference for the those who didn’t see things as he did etc. etc. (he’s leaving a legacy alright). One of his issues was abortion and how terrible it is that the current administration (at the time) was funding abortion clinics.
Dude had an abortion with one of his mistresses.
Sorry, I just have to add a second entry today;
Charles Childsaver: Drags children to church events any time he has custody in order to save them from the sins and heathen ways of the other (sane) parent and to unload them on someone else for as many hours as possible. He is particularly fond of the female congregants who offer to bring him over a meal when he has the kids because they want to help such a devoted father. Once he starts calling parishioners to see if they can pick the kids up from school or take them to a sports practice because (fill in any lame excuse you want), his welcome starts to fade . . and he moves on to a new church with his poor kids.
I’ve got one from another tradition–the more STBX got into serial affairs with women and anonymous sex with men, the more deeply spiritual and into meditation he’s become. He loves Buddhism now–because life is suffering!! There’s nothing we can do but learn to accept our painful lives!! Empty our minds, so we don’t need to actually feel or think deeply about what is happening. Oh woe–did STBX ever imagine that HIS OWN ACTIONS (lies, betrayals, irresponsibility) ARE WHY HE AND THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM ARE IN SUFFERING AND PAIN? Oh, no? Oh, God forbid mediation include actual self-reflection! Son gave him a meditation book for Christmas “because he’s so into self improvement.” Yeah, that’s going to be a project for a lifetime and a half!
On a less funny note, STBX was raised a Catholic during the height of the church’s covering up of sexual crimes–guess he learned that lesson well! (A bitter joke… this is not a topic for snark, I know.)
I suspect the activity & cover-ups have been there since the beginning. It’s harder to hide thanks to the increased communication and records available online. Before they could hide the proof more easily.
Where do I begin?
My stbx is definitely a Jesus Cheater through and through. Initially that was one of the things that attracted me to him was that he toted that he was a “good Christian Man” who believed in the “sanctity of marriage”.
Turns out, Christianity is just another cloak that he hides under. After abandoning us for his ho-worker, he has started going to church more and preaching his “long-standing” love for Jesus to our son. I can count on my two hands how many times he attended church functions when we were married. I’m pretty sure this is just impression management in an attempt to fool any lawyers/judges that he is a decent father. Another ploy.
My ordained minister ex was a living martyr. His parting statement to me when he left me and our two daughters to shack up with the howorker; “My God would not punish me by wanting me to be miserable and holding me to words I said 20 years ago.” *Words* — pesky things, those vows.
Don’t you mean “My god” … as in that which resides between his legs?! I think Jesus Cheaters are being truthful about following their own god…it just happens to be a god who destroys and harms.
AMEN to that DM …..
Its the god of this world and that is who they choose over and over.
No matter the sign above our door said “For me and my house will serve the Lord”
Savior Steve — saving one ho-worker at a time.
In the never-ending, crazy-making, gaslighting conversations. Savior Steve somehow managed to make me feel guilty for questioning his emotionally close relationships with current and former female co-workers. Didn’t I remember the one time he prayed with someone at work? He was doing the Lord’s work all the time. Leading women to Christ every chance he got. God just wants him to be happy. Stop being so judgemental and controlling, Martha.
A direct quote from The Divorce Letter: “We have different values. I’ve always been a person who can see things from another’s perspective. You see things in a black & white world. I feel your world has absolutes, the need for more justice and more retribution and restitution. I look to the Bible for absolute rights and wrongs, and see the rest as all gray, and I’m interested in the perspective on how people look at that. And I use that as an avenue to introduce people to God’s perspective.”
Look at Savior Steve going to church every weekend and tithing 10%. God doesn’t care that he’s committing adultery, is a pathological liar and launched a lie-filled smear campaign behind his wife’s back in order to make her look like the bad guy and drive her crazy. The God that Savior Steve serves “loves us and wants to see us grow in Christ. I think I am on that path and I think you are too.” That too is a direct quote from The Divorce Letter.
Savior Steve’s girlfriend is not a Christian. She’s the whore that I caught him out on a date with. Or maybe she’s a “Christian” now like Savior Steve. Maybe he lead her to Christ via her vagina?
Savior Steve took our children to a “purity” meeting at church a few years ago. He did this while he was committing adultery.
I could go on and on about my ex Jesus Cheater and his hypocrisy.
That’s a whole lotta word salad coming from someone who knows that he’s a POS.
Word salad for sure! Before The Divorce Letter, there were conversations from hell that we’d have. I remember feeling so confused talking to him when we’d have a discussion about his “healthy female friends”. Now I know all the things he was saying to me was to confuse me and to keep me off balance. Someday I’m going to submit The Divorce Letter to the UBT. I just don’t have a way to scan it and I can’t bear to type it all out. I read it now four years later and I can see all the word salad and mind-fxcking going on. Four years ago when he first read it to me, I took it as the truth even though not much of it made any sense.
I still have a couple of emails from the Dickhead, before D-day and before the shit storm started, that I remember reading and shaking my head. I really had no idea where the hell he was coming from. It was like he was in the whole different universe. Even the things he said about me (not much) I was left shaking my head. Things like “we shouldn’t have to change for each other”. The fool! I never asked him to change. I just wanted him to love me and make us a priority. I guess that was asking too much and required too much change.
Yes, they do seem to live in another universe when they are trying to justify their bs. In the paragraph I quoted he said I live in a world of absolutes. Then he goes onto say that he looks to the Bible for absolutes. Well, that’s where I get my absolutes from too, but if they are my absolutes, then I’m wrong. But if they are from the Bible, they are right. You can’t make this crap up and now I know why I felt crazy!
“we shouldn’t have to change for each other”
I got that too but I never asked him to change. I wanted him to not change but he went and changed anyway. Even then I tried to adapt because I didn’t want to be controlling. Meanwhile he spent most of our marriage trying to change me. Maybe that’s what he meant. I shouldn’t have to change for him so that’s why he discarded me in favor of trash. I guess it is just as well I wasn’t capable of becoming a selfish self centered slut with no morals, no compassion and no sense of decency.
He plays in the band at his church and has banned me from going to his church because he says we both need to form our own relationships with God. He doesn’t have sex with me because he says we’re not supposed to before we get married. But if he’s not having sex with me who is he having sex with. He ghost me on many occasions and then will tell me that he was at a retreat or he was with his band playing somewhere and he didn’t hear his phone. he has pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes because they think he is holier-than-thou because he has committed his life to the Lord. he tells me he cannot fix our relationship by himself because any time he tries to do it and messes up. He just leaves it in the hands of the Lord to fix our relationship. I need to break away from this toxic relationship and realize that the Lord would not want me to be with someone who is against me. It’s sad to think that the church has many of these wolves in sheep’s clothing preying on women of the church.
Hope I’m not intruding, but if you’re in the 303 area code, we have a local Chump Nation meetup for Colorado Chumps. There’s more information in the forum. Sending you big hugs! Just know you’re not alone… got a couple Chumps in the group who have been through similar situations.
Please leave this toxic relationship! It’s a blessing you aren’t married to him. He’s a mindfuck.
Don’t tell me, let me guess:
a) you live with him, but not married. He mentions marriage (vaguely) every once in a while.
b) you do his laundry, cook for him, take care of his house.
c) you sleep with him and do all his sex requests.
d) you make sure he never has to deal with bills, car repairs, etc.by taking care of those expenses yourself.
So what he has is a cook, housekeeper, sex worker, and an accountant, just for rent.
Annette303, honey, leave! He is isolating you and stringing you along.
As a child I knew a woman in her 80’s who was a devoted life companion of a wealthy man. She had been his mistress decades earlier and in front of witnesses (me included) she frequently referred to herself as his wife. She did everything for him except finances or paperwork; she was barely literate. He never married her and he died leaving everything to others and she didn’t know she had any rights under common law. I visited her in her 90’s in a 1-room squat, shared toilet down the hall, no bath or shower, no AC or heat. I took her out to eat and she at like she was starving, which she probably was.
I was married to a particularly wicked and twisted version of “Wanda We’re-All-Sinners.” She was a serial cheater who told me, as she was leaving me for latest OM, that clearly God had wanted her to marry someone else, anyone else, but me. Because all these other men were willing to sleep with her with no strings attached, OBVIOUSLY she was more attractive than me, and therefore she was never “supposed” to be married to me. She then rattled off all my flaws (which included my parents being divorced, I kid you not), so God had therefore destined for her to cheat and that the best thing she could do was leave me for Shiny Sparklebuttmonkey.
Further, she described how she wasn’t perfect, but I obviously wasn’t either. Since neither of us were perfect, her cheating was morally no worse than me being raised by single parents. In fact, she was really the “better” person, as she hadn’t ensnared this more attractive person into a marriage that was a blight in the eyes of God.
I’d like to comment but I don’t even know where to begin. All of that is so messed up. Of course I think anyone who imagines that God (whether he exists or not) sanctions adultery of any kind is pretty messed up and delusional.
I hope your life radiates joy and peace and happiness now that you’re free of this disordered train wreck and liar.
I’m a die hard Christian and I don’t doubt my ex wife’s beliefs in Christ. But she put on this huge holier then though persona. People called her Snow White because she was so innocent like. No R rated movies were allowed in the house, no one was allowed to curse. Not even the word “Damn” or “Hell”. She would attack people for little white lies. Little did they know she lived the biggest lie of them all. Sleeping with any macho jerk that gave her attention. Including my kids coaches and their friends fathers. Every time I caught my ex wife, her and my mother in law would say I didn’t forgive her if I need to bring up her numerous past affairs. Stupid me, I fell for this crap and let it be bygones only for her to cheat on me over and over again. Walking away was extremely painful, but the best thing I ever did. Just remember people, God has been betrayed multiple times by adultery in the Bible. He didn’t tolerate it, neither should you. Matter of fact it’s one of only two reasons he allows for divorce. He allows divorce for adultery for a reason!!!
Eww – the mother-in-law is a rat too!
My soon to be ex (thank goodness) MIL had major attitude when I moved out and left her son so he could be alone with his hookers. But – not only does MIL’s current husband live with another woman, he has fathered children with the OW through the duration of the marriage. I don’t know what she’s smoking – he doesn’t even take care of her financially.
Nevertheless – I guess because it’s her daughter that she thinks “I forgive you” means sweeping everything under the rug for life? Oh yeah, and the clock resets over and over each time you cheat. How DARE you hold the past over her head. You clearly need to pray more.
Glad you stood up for yourself and left.
//He allows divorce for adultery for a reason!!!//
Adultery wasn’t given as a reason for divorce. Adulterers were stoned under the Mosaic law, so there wouldn’t be any need for divorce. Thus, adultery is eliminated as an option to divorce. Porneia, however, is given as a reason – selling sex for money (prostitution) during the betrothal period. That is why Joseph had the option to divorce Mary prior to their covenant vows. Moichao (adultery) is not listed as a reason to divorce, but is the result of remarrying another while a covenant spouse is still living. Kinda really sucks for us, I know.
//God has been betrayed multiple times by adultery in the Bible. He didn’t tolerate it,//
Jer 3:8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce;
Jer 3:14 Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you:
Even though God gave a bill of divorce, He still states that He is married. The divorce didn’t end the covenant.
Onefleshwithacheater
There are four theological views on divorce and remarriage. While I’m not discrediting your views. The rest of Chump nation should now your views are not the be all end all of the what a Christian should do in our situation. I’m sure you have strong convictions backed by scripture passage. But so do the other three views. The readers of Chump nation should educate themselves on all of them and pray for Gods wisdom to guide them in their situation. I originally wanted to debate you on this topic. But just like Calvinism and Armenianism. A 500 year old debate is not going to be settled on a Chump Lady forum.
Besides, if other readers educates themselves, in most cases it will only bring them closer to God
Peace be with you brother
It is triggering for me to hear things like, “God hates divorce.” I’m sure He is not fond of it, but I was told this after fleeing to a battered women’s shelter. The Darkness had taken to beating the kids, and had thrown our 18 month old against a wall. I left when he threatened to kidnap and hide the kids from me. (My Baptist doctor still felt that a good wife would tolerate a “husband’s shit.”)
This still wasn’t good enough for the f*cking evangelical talking to me. I should have waited to see if the behavior improved, apparently. Nevermind that he went from slamming doors to killing pets to breaking bones. This was my first clue that my Baptist friend was an un-empathetic narc, and that my doctor probably had a pretty dark side, himself.
You got divorced shamed at a battered women’s shelter?! OMG, I’m so sorry. Fuck that guy!
Glad you’re free of her lies and abuse. Your ex mother in law is a classic enabler of a disordered person.
My ex made sure he gave up on the church before going off and having affairs. The sermons in our church were all about kindness, empathy, acceptance of others, humility, service, and what you can do to make the world a better place. There was also something in there about not being selfish, self-serving and covetous. The preacher wanted us to define success differently than most of society and ex in particular defined it. You are only as important if you make others important. That worked fine for me, but not for ex because it would have required too much effort and self-reflection to change. The funny part is that when he soured on the church and stopped going he said it was because the members were all hypocrites because they were rich. At the time, we were rich too but less so than some of the others so that made them the evil ones (because they had even more wealth than we did). On the one hand he resented other parishioners from having more wealth than he did, while on the other hand he resented the preacher for telling him that he shouldn’t be so hung up on and clingy to his.
What an ugly person he is. Glad you’re free of him, lovely. X
Out of the Blue Bible Billy: He’s a total atheist, but will indulge in some magical thinking when his evil is unmasked. So, after dday he of course bought a Bible to put on the nightstand next to the bed in the rental house in which he was shacking up with the schmoops. A Bible apparently makes a good no coaster, and is a handy prop for the iPhone when there’s a need to go hands free in order to create and consume porn. Such a blessed union. Because Bible. Right there by the infidelity bed. How holy.
Marketing Mark: That faith crap is good for business. Press a sucker’s hand warmly between your own, gaze into sucker’s eyes with faux sincerity, make noises about blessings, and peace, and remembering people in the prayers you would never in a million yrpears utter, because there is no God, and even if there were, he would not be the boss of you. Amen.
And watch those dollars flow. That’s God’s favor, right there. If, you know, there were a God.
^ this is awesome, Cashmere. Truth.
Admittingly, I first saw “Marky Mark”.
Marketing Mark and the Chumpy Bunch.
(Sorry to Wahlberg, but that was a music project fail anyway.)
Oh, the Bible!! Let me count the ways……
Took the Bible into church each week, but didn’t open it up to read the rest of the week. All “good” Christians bring their own Bible to church with them, dontcha know.
He would bring the Bible into the bathroom (and his phone too of course). He’d stay in there for about a half hour reading the Bible. Well, Smart Martha got wise to this. Savior Steve had a bookmark in his Bible. I’d note where the bookmark was before and after in the Bible. The bookmark never moved. The same for all the other books he took in the bathroom. I called him out on my discovery and boy was he flustered. Came up with a quick lie of course that “sometimes I have to text work.”
When Savior Steve was feeling sorry for himself after I told him that since he no longer wanted to be married to me that I no longer be do anything for him and that he’d be sleeping on the couch. Savior Steve took to our unfinished basement and set-up camp on the concrete floor. Sleeping bag, nightlight from his grandma (I kid you not!) and his Bible right next to his head.
Savior Steve was acting all holy, reading the Bible in the living room in front of our kids. This was a first in our 20 years of marriage. I felt like grabbing that Bible out of his hands and hitting him in the head with it.
It’s a wonder the thing didn’t burst into flames!
Ah, the very public reading of the Bible ploy! I’ve seen that one! Good call.
Marketing Mark, Oh yeah, that’s my ex right there. I think that’s the real reason he gave up on the church. He didn’t want God telling him what to do. He would absolutely fake it, however if he thought it would make it look like he cared about someone else’s pain.
Oh yeah, that would be Assholio. God’s not the boss of me, so why should I follow His rules?
This isn’t exactly what CL asked for, but hopefully it’s close enough that it won’t be minded. It’s the best I’ve got. A year plus after D-day, waiting for the divorce to be finalized, the STBXW texted or emailed me to let me know that she’s feeling she’s having to take on all the responsibility for providing our children with their needed “spirituality” (mainly our only minor, the now 13 yo son she left w/me at home with when he was 11 and she had to abandon our family for her rich, 15 year older, politically powerful boss, ending an almost 25 year marriage on our side & a 40 yr marriage on his). She’s stayed in the UU church we were in. I can’t stomach it anymore. They seem to be taken in by her sparkly turdness, and are willing to overlook that she blew apart the family for her own personal gain, without a second thought for our marriage & my love for her. I’m trying to provide a good moral example for my children in how I’m dealing w/this fiasco. I guess it’s taking away from the “spirituality” lessons I should be giving my children.
You absolutely don’t want her providing that “spirituality”. Perhaps you can find another church whose values will align better with your own? Have you asked your son how he feels about his “spirituality” and how he wants that to be developed, if at all?
Chumpinrecovery,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. Travel weekend w/my son to see his grandmother, my mom. ‘Nuff said. I think I’m done w/churches right now. I’m trying to pass on spirituality to my son (& daughters) by conveying, as best I can, my own type of spirituality. I can tell you he and his sisters all expressed a strong desire to stop going to “religious education” classes at this church. They went & he’s going through it to please his mother. Further supporting my theory that no matter what religion, teenagers don’t want to have religion/spirituality stuffed into them. I was brought up Catholic & I didn’t enjoy it either, but went an extra year to make my mother happy. I think I’m helping them more by not showing I feel they should get an organized religion to teach them spirituality. I’m trying to do it in more subtle ways, when opportunity permits. Thank you so much for your concern. I really appreciate it.
When I caught my husband cheating several years ago, he actually got a call from the OW when she was on her way to church with her mother in the car. I got the whole, “the past is in the past” and “you need to forgive and forget.” He told me I was not a good Christian and I needed to pray more , have more faith, etc. He pointed out Bible verses that in his mind gave him the justification to cheat. Fast forward to 2017 and he places an ad on craigslist and little did he know but I responded under an alias and this confirmed my suspicions that he was cheating again. I hired a PI, because I was out of state, and within 24 hours the PI calls and told me he caught my husband having sex in his truck,in a mall parking lot, in broad daylight. This OW broke it off after a couple of sessions of truck sex because she said, ” She found her way back to the Cross.” Yep, they are both a couple of Jesus cheaters , but at least she’s good with God again.
My Ex loves absolutely loves churches because as a Narc they are perfect places for image management.
When I met her when she was 21, she was totally non religious although her father went on and on about his Baptist “faith” but was a liar and swindler in business and I never saw him or his family ever go to a church in the 16 years that I knew him.
I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic schools and my Ex immediately said that she wanted to become Catholic when we started dating. Fine..she did and she became “so devout”.
Fast forward 16 years and on Dday she is cheating on me with 3 men and OM #3 is a holy roller living in a trailer who says that “Jesus brought them together”(he’s now her husband).
My Ex said after Dday that she didn’t commit Adultery because our marriage had been over for years and Jesus brought them together and ordained it in heaven. Oh and she also started to file for annulment in the Catholic Church and her grounds were that I was a homosexual ! When I told her I would fight the annulment and that vile lie, she dropped it, then went from being an uber devout Catholic to join OM #3’s Church of God church complete with talking in tongues. She also tried to force the kids to go but they revolted as they had been raised Catholic and wanted no part of that church. So she drops them off at the Catholic Church every Sunday and goes with OM #3 (now hubby) to his holy roller church.
They both claim that my anger towards them comes from Satan and I need to repent or I’m going to Hell. ????
Yeah, she’s a psycho. Thank God your kids stuck up for themselves and let it be know that they wanted no part of her new “church”.
It’s always Satan’s fault or a Jezebel spirit. Your anger is the problem. Not their lying and adultery.
I will never forget my ex-pastor, who’s a liar too, saying to me, “Martha, you just need to forgive him. You don’t want to be angry and turn into a bitter woman.” Seriously? Everything was always on me to do. Be a better wife. Be thinner. Be sexier. Be, be, be! Savior Steve could do any vile thing he wanted, but I just needed to forgive. And don’t forget to FORGET! That’s in the Bible too. Um, no it’s not!
Yup, that was my experience too. “Be a better wife and then he won’t cheat on you and beat on you.”
I’m no longer religious…
//I will never forget my ex-pastor//
Me too. I trusted and admired the pastor who married us. I went to him for help when things went sideways. He said “my son is divorced, you’ll be ok and things will work out.” I drove home in complete bewilderment. Still bewildered by the secular view pastors have of the marriage covenant.
She is mentally not right.
Very entertaining read! Of course my EX would not fit any of these labels, because he has no faith. There’s no higher power than his own ego 😛
Oh, Lordy….here I go. I had forgotten this because there was JUST.SO.MUCH.BULLSHIT.THAT.I.TOLERATED. And I have been protected by a heavy duty case of PTSD.
POP, after I stupidly asked him to move in with me, quickly felt he should get back into his ‘routine’ of charitible works. He told me he had a history of working with St Vincent de Paul charities, taking food to the needy. I was unfamiliar with this organization at the time but I knew he’d grown up Catholic so it seemed plausible.
In my love bombed fog, my response was ‘Oh, what a good man! Sure, take my brand new Mercedes 2 seat convertible (instead of the SUV) and go feed the poor and unfortunate! Oh, you do that on Thursday NIGHTS? Oh, because the needy work during the day and nighttime is when deliveries are made to them? You have so many deliveries you won’t be home until around 11 pm or later?’
Duh, he wasn’t ‘serving God’. He was serving himself. Going off to fuck various harem ho’s. By the third time (I was beyond suspicious after the FIRST), he didn’t come home until the next morning–he’d ignored my panicked calls and texts. He was still drunk….
Shit, this is so disgusting, I can’t bring myself to finish the rest of the tale…..
***POP= Predatory Opportunistic Parasite
I am so sorry Hesatthecurb.
So glad you are out of this.
You will heal from this shit.
Hope you had your car detailed after the discovery !
This triggers too many things. In the end he has to “splain it to his god.
I’ve seen priests chased and fought over by priest-hags. It’s sickening and creepy. But what ticked me off the most was when they sent around the special envelope basket for sad father leaving the priesthood only to find out he had run off with the married choir lady who was leaving her hub and two children. Takes a special kind of adulterous nerve to ask your parish for money. At least he wasn’t a pedofile. Just a lying covetous adulterer.
#MeToo
I could write a book.
My former wife’s Twu Wuv fucked her in a cheap motel, but before he did that they read a book together about “Christian divorce”. In the morning he took her to his pentecostal church, presumably to seek a sign that they were soulmates. Much more I could say, but let’s leave that for another day?
I started in a “DivorceCare” group at a local church. It was very helpful., I even started to help lead after a year. Three years after DD, I remarried and eventually moved to a new town and joined a church where we started our own DivorceCare group. Boy, could I tell you stories… Eventually we saw this church as enabling abusive marriages and left for one that fit us better. Continued with DivorceCare, but became dissatisfied with their overemphasis with forgiveness and the bible thumping. Began using a non-spiritual based curriculum. We became the group for divorced people fleeing their abusive churches and spiritually abusive spouses. I really appreciated that the conservative (abusive) churches in town warned people not to come to our group. One woman said that her husband’s church told her he was repentant for cheating on her and putting a loaded gun in her mouth, so she was biblically required to submit to him and return to the marriage. Yikes!
Like I said, I could write a book.
Bruno,
yes! That is exactly what my old church did to me. They said if my husband beat me, which he did, then I needed to go to a shelter until he cooled off and then come home and try to be a better wife. And if he is beating me it’s probably my fault anyway. They also said if I divorced him he I was going to hell. They didn’t seem to think his many many affairs were a big deal either.
ELL
It seems that “ not following the scripture” and doing everything against teaching is perfectly ok, as long as you are a man????
Disgusting…. any church leader, leader, friend etc. who says that “ place of a wife is next to her man” regardless of HIS actions- missed on the core of all religions…. sad….
Write it, please. Too many people submit to the kind of abuse you were witness to because they are taught it is their duty. The more we can do to get the word out, the better.
I’d be interested in the non-spiritial curriculum @Bruno Did you write it yourself? We have few options where I live. There are Divorce Care groups but for the non-spiritial, the only choices are expensive therapist led support groups or domestic violence groups. No middle of the road support around here.
It’s not perfect, but good for groups. There are support groups around based on this book. I think spiritual awakening and growth can be an important part of recovery. It was for me. Unfortunatlely, many churches use it as an opportunity to thump you with a bible when you are vulnerable instead of lifting you up. Some churches do a great job, so do some homework and feel free to walk awayif it is not for you.
https://www.amazon.com/Rebuilding-When-Your-Relationship-Ends/dp/1626258244/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Bruno, you should write a book.
Thank you for helping divorced people in your community. I’m sure you are a real comfort to many.
Thank you Chump Lady!
My DD was 18 years ago, but I am still learning and growing from the experience. You and Divorce Minister have opened my eyes to new ways of seeing the truth about adultery.
My wife (15 years in June!) and I read you blog almost every morning. One of us usually snorts coffee out our nose or comes running to the other to breathlessly say, “Did you read Chump Lady yet this morning!” You got a mouth on you and we love you for it!
Ahh yes, OW is Holier than Holly. She’s a pastor, you know. So was her husband before they both unceremoniously cast us aside. She also runs retreats. Would you like her webpage to view the hypocrisy for yourself?
They bonded over their shared (fabricated) abuse at the hands of their horrible spouses.
They’re married now, so it’s all Ok, you know. Thanks to CL, I regularly refer to her as wifetress. The pious postings continue…
What I hate the most is that when members of the church find out about the cheating they rally around the cheater and blame the betrayed. “You did something to make him stray. You clearly weren’t fulfilling your wifely duties.” and “He’s just lost. Look how repentant he is now.” And if you say you want a divorce YOU are the one going to hell. The poor cheater is just misguided but divorce is the biggest sin of all and you’ll be punished. Such rubbish! This happened with my first ex. Funny how I’m not religious and both my exes are, yet I have never cheated and they did.
Sounds like that church has some serious issues if that is how they react to adultery and divorce as a result. So, it is not surprising to me that your religious exes did not find integrity practicing their faith in such environments. They got excuses and enabling of sins as opposes to what they needed–a swift kick in the butt to repent!
What I find so aggravating is that it’s always the wife’s fault, and never the fault on the husband who cheats. The abandoned wife is castigated and gossiped about, but the husband is “forgiven” for his sins because that’s the “Christian Thing to do”.
This attitude is part of the reason I don’t do religion.
I think is worse if the wife cheats. Then people think she HAD to be in an abusive relationship so her cheating is OK. My XW played up that her multiple affairs and getting pregnant with OM #1’s child was forgiven by God and I should forgive her, feeling sorry for her and never bring it up. She also said I didn’t have spiritual grounds to divorce her.
“Christianity doesn’t have the market cornered on hypocritical douchebags.” So true. On one of the occasions when I raised my voice about Snakeface’s growing relationship with the Spiritual Slut, he got all wounded and indignant and claimed “She prays for our marriage!” when she’s in the sweat lodge. Ugh. I always wondered if their Lakota spiritual leader on the rez in South Dakota had a sense of what was going on between the two of them.
Do the Alpaca’s baptize the parishioners with blessed spit?
Magic Mirror Mike: He takes your faith and quotes from the Bible or from you and turns around to spout it. It’s as if when he looks at you, he is looking in a mirror and honestly thinks he is the one with those values.
“I pray for you and the kids all the time”
“I don’t understand why God led me down this path, but it must be his plan”
Just a few weeks ago, he sent a religious birthday card to my 17 year old son. My son was like “Can he be any more ridiculous?”
There isn’t a bigger atheist in the world than my cheater XH because of course, he believes in nothing. Something that always chapped my ass was that the whore face skank woman got him a cross of Jesus to wear around his neck to ‘protect’ him. You know, because they are such Christians. Could they possibly be any phonier??
She didn’t care that I was married.
No dumbass she didn’t.
It’s no wonder my therapist and attorney called him dumb.
Nanthony is the Amazing Grace type who redeemed herself by placing a random want ad looking for a ballroom dance partner. Her criteria? Must have rhythm, 48-58, no married men.
Guessing he missed her arrest for breaking and entering and assault of an elderly man recorded on the SAME day, in the SAME paper. And she was still on probation with a restraining order from her boyfriend for breaking into his house punching him in the throat and throwing hot coffee in his face. There were felony drug charges for illegal drugs in her possession.
She harassed and stalked me for years. She then wanted to make peace, hung rosary beads from his mirror and swears she’s a Christian woman.
Thank you GOD for sending her and freeing ME from the Limited. Amen.
My xh (The Good Samaritan) Handy Dandy Helpful Hal … hid behind the church his whole life. His parents were ministers from the south, so life was probably very strict. He learned at a young age that it was actually fun to LIE and get away with it. Ironically I met him in church after he spotted me — new girl and I was a professional. Low maintenance type (perfect huh) We fell madly in love and married 3 months after we met. The perfect couple, we were almost 30 and well established in our careers. I believed he was the ONE God wanted me to marry. Everything seemed great until his decided to admit to come clean … after the birth of our 3 baby. He had been unfaithful and seemed repentant, so I forgave him. WTH I have 3 kids now and I had left my career. It was a terrible blow to my heart. Cant believe I hung in for 32 years with several other admissions. He knew I was good person and would not leave, all the while he hid behind me as well as GOD.
He claimed a few years ago that it was his dad who actually took him into a store where he first viewed porn. With his lying history Im not sure this is true, but I do know his dad is and was a HUGE womanizer! He’s 88 now in a nursing home and Im sure his is winking and making cute remarks to the nurses and staff. Disgraceful and he never once came to my aid when I said I was divorcing the ‘walk on water son”. Entitled life and father and sons believe they are the gift. Shame on them!
The christian counsel was horrible and wrong and DM is right, the church is failing in dealing with adultery. Its 100% NOT our fault when our spouse makes that decision to cheat. I regret staying 32 yrs with a hopeless case of cheater pants. When I finally had him served (HUGE SHOCK to all) he did the typical blame shifting, I was the Crazy, Unforgiving, Raging, Un-Christian, never going to move on person. Yep he did get that right. 3 yrs free from this leach, I have gained a Life. I truly wish the church would get it right with these adultery types. ONCE is enough to divorce. My x will have to answer for himself someday when he is hurled into eternity. Not my problem anymore!
One more thang … when I told him we needed to divorce, I told him to go file since he was the cheater who obviously made the our marriage a sham! So he leaves the house and comes back home about an hour later and said “God spoke to him and told him “he couldn’t file for divorce because he didn’t have grounds” huh? Wait, What? ….
God quickly spoke to me to go file and get the hell away from him, so I did~
Fireball, you are so spot on. My ex, the “Christian” cheater, got love and support from the church I USED TO GO TO. As my ex-pastor said to me, “I only love. Not judge.” Well, good luck with that, because God most certainly wants us to repent to those we hurt and turn from our sin. My ex-cheater got love, hugs, acceptance and no judgement at all. And I like you are “the Crazy, Unforgiving, Raging, Un-Christian”. I shocked the virgin ears of the lying pastor when I said to him, “I hope he(the cheater) goes to hell.” I meant it when I said it. I told the pastor that I could care less anymore where the cheater ends up when he dies. I spent about good portion of our marriage getting us back to church. Praying for him and our family. Buying Bibles and other Christian books. Trying to be a godly wife and mom. And he and the pastor managed to twist everything around back on me and used God, my faith and the Bible against me. It has been a great struggle to keep my faith after all that was done to me. But I know what they did to me has nothing to do with God. God’s been faithful from the very beginning and He’s rescued me time and time again when I screwed up. I just don’t think I can ever trust a church or pastor again. It’s all very sad as I never in a million years thought they could be so evil and wicked.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc7RcVqJ6Gk
Always loved this Iris Dement song.
The best song ever~
God Gave Her To Me Ray- my fuckwit told my son he followed tramp home one night after heavy drinking together at a bar and watched her roll her car then pulled her out of it. So he thinks god gave her to him cuz he saved her. My son told him God was no where in that relationship. He in fact broke at least 2 of the big 10 commandments. Fuckwit was never “religious” until he cheated. Absolution conquers all. No worries about living a life of integrity, you will be forgiven.
The old it was meant to be. Within four months I lost my mother and then the cheater.
Liars and cheaters aren’t religious. In the end they can’t erase their actions. I’m thinking the entitled expects the pearly gates to open, restore his dick and reward him with vaginas a plenty.
The worst lies are the ones they tell themselves.
Restore his dick. Yeah, it will be so big in hell he’ll have to push it around in a wheel barrel.
I hope the wheel barrel blows a tire! BOOOM!
“I’m thinking the entitled expects the pearly gates to open, restore his dick and reward him with vaginas a plenty.”
That reminds me of that Islamic sect that preaches about all those virgins waiting for the faithful when they’ve assassinated innocent people and are killed. SMH.
Yes, this resonates. WW still admonishes the kids when they are not eager enough saying their graces at table. Yet she cheated with the godfather of one of our kids.
“If I am so happy now, then god has wanted me to be happy.”
“I am not worried about money going forward. God will take care of me.”
(Not trying to be sacrilegious here but he may have more urgent business to attend to.)
She also confided all the troubles in her marriage and especially my shortcomings and my deficiencies to the pastor’s wife – who won’t talk to me anymore – but funnily enough, she forgot to mention the A.
I am still amazed that she hasn’t been struck by lighting in church.
“lightNing” ^^^^^^^^^
Freudian slip
pm1412, never give up hope for lightning to strike!
When I found a letter to the mistress, as he likes to say a goodbye letter!, it was signed off God bless you and your beautiful family and if they are meant to be together then it will happen, sure enough he did leave me for her but he would never say it like that, it was more like you are too good for me, I dont deserve you. Never hey I’m leaving our marriage so I can continue to fcuk and make it official with my mistress. She was always posting God quotes on FB, going to church on Sundays, he was reading the bible, praying, hanging a crucifix off the spare room door while he was in there having video sex with her…. I may not go to church every Sunday or carry a bible under my arm but I know I have a good soul, I pray in my own ways, not for FB, not for other people to see, not for show. My story didn’t end there, my husband came back 4 months later, asked for forgiveness, I didnt say yes but i didnt say no. He moved back in, i fell pregnant, i now have a beautiful baby, I have to hold on hope that God has a path for me and that I will be strong enough to take it and put myself and baby above everything. We are still together but in no way do I feel secure, i wish i was a stronger person because unicorns are a myth….
Mango sweetie… all I can say is, hold on to your truth, for you and your baby. The moment – and I mean THE MOMENT – your relationship with your husband isn’t acceptable to you, you have to deal with it and not spackle, you know that word? Darling, if he wasn’t prepared to be with you alone, I do doubt that he will be prepared to be with you and a child. Thank you so much for posting this and please continue to post.
God does have a path for you, but the most important waymarks on your path are YOUR integrity, YOUR dignity and YOUR peace of mind. Please never forget that!
Love you, Mango ❤
While more connected to kinds of Chumps than kinds of cheaters (including Jesus Cheaters), Stephanie (in the Forums) pointed out that MacKenzie Bezos is a true Amazon Chump. I have one more day of Amazon Prime, as it expires tomorrow, and will be binge-watching some Amazon shows tonight since I don’t intend to renew unless they dump cheater Bezos.
The only good news is that Bezos is in a community property state, and had no pre-nup, so MacKenzie gets half his fortune. The millions are no salve for having been betrayed, but if one must be betrayed, better to have millions in double digits afterwards.
correction, billions
Yah, me too, I’m planning how I can avoid Amazon now that Bezos decided he’s too sexy for his wife.
It isn’t “his” fortune.
She quite rightly gets half of what she helped build from day one.
Good point; I totally agree.
Cheater is a mix of ALL of those Jesus Cheaters. But especially Amazing Grace. I caught him stealing to fund his prostitute and porn lifestyle. He told me he had forgiven himself and put it all behind him and so should I TWO WEEKS after I caught him.
After that, every time it came up, he’d shriek, “Why are you judging me? That’s in the PAST!” He assured me that he always prayed after and confessed his sin. But of course, he still “stumbled.”
I hate that word “stumbled.” It’s like someone left the cover off the pool and he fell in. It wasn’t a “stumble” so much as a “dive.” I managed to live my whole life not even aware of the possibilities that he found on a routine basis. He stumbled into phone sex lines, strip clubs, adult entertainment stores, fraud, and a lot more. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t trip and fall into strip clubs on a regular basis. But alas, such was his luck that he “stumbled” all the time.
Woe is him. Alas! He wanted to be so good, but he had weaknesses. But God forgives! If only Carol39 could overcome her trust issues and be glad for him that God forgave him.
The big give away in a recent conversation with him: we disagreed over what repentance means. I said it means you are sorry for your sin and you change your ways. He strongly disputed that you change. You just have to be sorry, he said. You don’t have to change.
So very very pathetic. Carol39, I admire your insight x
Carol39, you are right. Repentance is not only saying you are sorry, but also trying your best to turn away (sin no more) from your sin. You don’t have “trust issues”!! You are wise in not trusting something who has done all that your husband/boyfriend has done! I hope you are leaving this cheater. Please see Divorce Minister or Jen Grice’s blogs for additional Christian help dealing with cheaters.
Cheating Men and Women of the Cloth
I already wrote about Judas Jack, the former Episcopal bishop, who porked women in his carriage house apartment down the street from the rectumory. Poor wittle Jack, his wife suffered from acute paranoia and ended up in the loony bin. Deceiver Denise, one of the first women to be ordained in the Episcopal church, was competing with one of the church secretaries (Con Artist Christine) for the title of Mrs. Bishop and she lost. When she divorced her husband, she insisted that they participate in a church sanctioned divorce ceremony (ugh the humiliation) She never remarried but her husband did. Her narc daughter (a sociologist and uni professor) has taken after D.D. and cheated on her own husband and divorced.
The karma bus recently flattened my youth group leader from the ’70s, Grifter Gordon. Died unexpectedly at age 63. He was quite the rebel,wearing biker boots under his vestments back in the day. He married another Episcopal minister, cheated on her /was defrocked for an affair with a parishioner and promptly moved to Florida. Reminds me off jokes the comedian Adam Carolla made about Florida being chock full of deadbeat dads. The newsletter of my childhood church published a nice puff piece about this man, failing to mention the “sinner’s” downfall.
I can think of others but can’t be bothered to tell their sordid stories.
I was with Preachy Paul. He was a cheater, but when he got caught I was the problem. Because as he would lecture my role was to……..forgive and reconcile.
Preachy Paul had a few minister friends who he would tell his version of the truth to. Then he would quote them to me, saying they felt I could do a better job of forgiveness and moving on. That I had a hard heart.
Nothing a narc loves more than an ‘expert’ of their choice to quote.
This>>>”Nothing a narc loves more than an ‘expert’ of their choice to quote.
My Asshat claims to be “spiritual” and following Buddhist teachings. You know, “attachment causes suffering”, etc. He is so zen, he subscribes to a meditation app that he regularly falls asleep listening to. He’s a regular guru. He is so much more attuned to his inner self, he fucked his best friend’s wife- in front of his best friend (both *ahem* “Christians”). Because, he is just THAT zen.
He also attended AA meetings a few years before I met him, because the first Mrs. Asshat was a “raging alcoholic” and he “needed to get his own drinking under control”. What he really needed was an assortment of vulnerable needy women to easily seduce and manipulate, most of whom are still providing Flying Monkey services. (PS- first wife is quite lovely, is not an alcoholic, and has been a very good friend to me, before and after D-Days #1 and #2). So much for that spin.
He often would muse that he would like to start his own religion. Yeah, so he could use and abuse starry-eyed followers at will, I am certain. He’s a legend in his own mind.
That is disturbing. I’m sorry, Katiedidnt.
I’m not religious and am not a church goer. I’m British and while I’m sure there are many churchgoing people there I just don’t happen to know any. Then I married my ex and moved to the US. I almost fell over as all this “church” business was such a shock to my system. Not better, not worse, just so alien to me. Ex was raised a churchgoer and his mom is still a very ardent and sincere religious church goer. His brother is a violent dick who hasn’t worked in the past 15 years. Ex is a violent dick, beat the shit out of me, stole my money and abused me and my kids every which way possible. He is now back in the States and if he choses to now go to church with latest Schmoopie (for image management only I would imagine), I hope that fucker spontaneously combusts walking up the steps!
My cheater isn’t a Jesus cheater, but his howorker/AP is. Found out the first time she came to our house was after church when I was away one weekend. What a hypocrite! She claims she was divorced because her husband cheater on her. I’m skeptical.
Straight from church to your marital bed? Wow. The cognitive dissonance must make her dizzy.
Jesus Cheaters the special fuckwits so extra special.
stbxfuckwit is an atheist turned white savior.
OW is a when it suits her Muslim. Let’s call her Burn in Hell Hanna
She likes to threaten and curse anyone who crosses her telling them that they will have to answer to Allah for their evil ways.
So of course she has cursed me for my evil sinful ways (confronting her, not serving and obeying my husband properly) She’s sent me pics of knives she would use to cut me. Thank goodness she lives in another country!
She cheated on her first husband and ditched him and her children were taken away from her for abuse but he is evil and will burn in hell. To child abuse stories she’ll post, maybe the child was sinful and deserved to be punished. She believed that FGM is proper and her both she and her daughter had it done.
I guess she missed the part about adulteresses being stoned to death and why would she even want to have an affair anyway if she has had FGM. What’s in it for her other than being saddled with the kind of loser who would blow up his family for someone as messed up as she is?
She wants to use him to get out of her country and it’s very status among her crap friends to have a white guy.
So come here and procreate with fuckwit a couple of times and collect welfare.
Good grief! She is crazy. Straight jacket and thorazine level crazy. It’s amazing how often these cheaters will prefer a demonstrably crazy and even outright evil AP over a sane and decent spouse. I suspect they get hooked on the drama of it all. A sane spouse seems “boring” to disordered drama addicts. I wish these clowns would just stick with each other and leave good people alone.
She says she knows she is psycho and he knows and he accepts that. wtf????
I think it is the excitement of the drama for fuckwits and they like to be sneaky and feel like that are getting over on someone.
I think she makes him feel important and smart since she can barely speak English and he talks to her like See spot run. Plus the promise and being a good obedient wife to him, not like sinful unclean me! Obedient my ass. Abusive, manipulative bullies. They do deserve each other.
The abuse of religion is overwhelming …
Friend of mine is a professor of Islamic Studies… let me say this: the bs that some people are trying to pull and claim it on “ the Book” is mind blowing…
Obedience towards husband? Sure
IF HE IS A GOOD leader- not a cheating lying scumbag.
You have the same story among Jewish and Christian’s- take the scripture, twist it to your liking and PREACH….
I’m sure God is scratching the head while watching such a spectacle…..
The funniest part? Atheists and religious cheaters do exactly the same thing: they break trust, they lie, cheat, gaslight etc.
So nope, religion is not a problem here.
One of my in-laws is a Jesus cheater and Jesus wife abuser. After his wife kicked him out, he preyed on a mentally unbalanced woman 20 years younger who was friends with his niece. He is still with her and still preaching at non-believers every chance he gets. What a fraudulent POS. Almost all of my in-laws are narcissistic kooks. It’s like the family disease. I used to think The Asshole was the only normal one in his family. Now I know he’s just like the rest, but was smart enough to hide it so he would be liked and accepted. The rest of them are too stupid to know people can’t stand them and too lazy to bother with any kind of elaborate deception.
Wish me luck, fellow chumps. I have my first post-dday date tomorrow. I’ll be on the alert for any red flags and checking his social media, naturally.
FYI: here solely as Sarah the Chump. Thank you for bringing up Jesus cheaters! Yes! I love this post!
I have noticed the very same thing and I have several stories about my “Jesus cheater’s.” My ex was a Jesus cheater and my first serious boyfriend was a Jesus cheater.
My first serious boyfriend was from college. I grew up in a very conservative house and was thoroughly convinced that if I had premarital sex, the world would come to an end. (Well… things “came to an end” in many ways, but not the world). Anyhow… I have stupid enough to have my first physical relationship with this guy. He told me I could trust him!
He showed me concrete proof that I could trust him. She showed me all the letters he wrote to his grandmother on Sunday afternoons and he took me to his Lutheran Church sometimes. I should have ran from the LutheRAN when I had a chance. But I did not. I met his parents. They were still married and were wholesome as anyone could be. I liked his mom. She was a great baker and could whip up the best Midwestern dinner is a flash, but she was also funny and had a wicked sense of humor underneath that
Midwestern mom who always wore sweat pants exterior. And she REALLY liked me, which was a plus. She told her son not to mess up because I was the best woman he could ever get. Did he listen? No.
He was fuzzy on adultery laws from the Bible. He thought adultery meant only penetration. So he had five different friends with benefits who gave him oral sex. And occasionally he returned the favor. (TMI: but I was a young college student and was ok with penetration WITH a condom, but NOT okay with giving or receiving oral. That was NOT something I was okay with at the time. As a married woman, it’s a different story. But as a college student I did not want to do that with him or have him do that to me… and I am pretty sure my intuition was involved even though I didn’t know it).
***Warning… total GROSS OUT story ahead. Do not read if you have a weak stomach****
But back to the Lutheran dufus. Dufus got an oral yeast infection from having oral sex with several different women. This NOT a joke. He had to see the campus doctor and the male, campus doctor told him he had a yeast infection of the mouth. The doctor asked him if he was providing oral sex to women. Dufus told the doctor he was providing oral sex to 5 different women EXCEPT for his actual girlfriend (me). The campus doctor informed Dufus he would be calling me on the phone to warn me about this very special type of STD. Then the campus doctor told him: “Stop putting your face in a bunch different of dirty crotches. I hope you have learned your lesson.” Dufus came and warned me about what he had done before the campus doctor called. Dufus was very offended… why? Because the campus doctor had the audacity to tell Dufus that he needed to stop putting his face in dirty crotches. So, when Dufus told the story, he made it about HIM and how wounded he felt over what the doctor said to him. In the midst of all this, I am trying to focus on what I am hearing… as in did Dufus just say he was providing oral sex to a bunch of women?
Finally, I confronted him about it. Dufus admitted to performing oral sex and receiving it from 5 different girls on campus. I told him that was CHEATING. Dufus told me it was not cheating because cheating involved penetration. Since he had not penetrated these women, Dufus said it did not count. So Dufus took out the Bible and couldn’t find anywhere in the Bible where oral sex was prohibited. I broke up with Dufus. And there is still more to the story. But I never went back to Dufus even though he tried to gas-light and redefine everything. He also started stalking me and one point and I had to get an attorney involved.
Dufus got married and still attends his Lutheran church. Do I believe Dufus is loyal to his wife? Not a chance. And she doesn’t deserve that. (No one deserves to be chumped).
Dufus really was a squeaky clean looking guy, he came from a home where his father was a VP at a corporation, and Dufus had a bit of a goofy facade that he developed (intentionally) to make people think he was NOT capable of being a philanderer. But, he was a MASTER philanderer.
What kind of category does Dufus fall under? I think he needs a category of his own.
Lol, gross … maybe he needs his own denomination – Holy Church of Oral Free Love where you can cheerfully suck & eat anyone else its ok as long as only intercourse with spouse.
In fact, they can have oral sex in place of ‘peace’ handshakes during the mass.
Hi Ka-Chump,
That’s great! I am sure he would have started his own cult, but he wasn’t smart enough to think of such a thing. After he graduated his dad got him the one professional job in their rural midwestern town. (I think he works on a team helps do databases for the local healthcare system). I don’t believe he is qualified for that job because the lights are not on in the executive functioning area of his brain. But since his dad is a big wig, I will assume he is able to keep this job. This guy was so off-the-wall that I have volumes of hysterical stories aboit him. They occurred mainly from the time I found out he cheated and stretched about 6 months out from there. He refused to acknowledge the break up, even when I sent certified letters. He refused to acknowledge the break up, even when I moved 3,000 miles away for the summer. (He came to my dad crying and my dad gave him my address 3,000 miles away. Thanks, Dad. My dad is a very docile and kind person who simply doesn’t understand why people lie. He assumed Dufus was telling the truth- that it was all one, big misunderstanding). So I got letters from Dufus at my new address.
And the letters from Dufus started to take on the tone that some of these extremely male dominated Christian cults use to talk about women. Dufus informed me that women are property, that we were going to get married, and we were going to have kids, go to church twice a week and go to Disneyworld in the summers. He told me if I did not agree he would have to involve force, including rape, if necessary.
And that is when I got an attorney involved!
Even the attorney acknowledged this guy was a nut because he did not understand the fact that the letters he was writing were a form of harassment and that he was stating his intent to sexually assault me.
In Dufus’s mind, he was doing what any good “Christian” husband would do: rape and slap his wife until she understood Dufus MAKES the laws.
I saw Dufus is married and has two teen daughters. I TRULY feel sorry for his wife and daughters. If Dufus was willing to say crazy things to an attorney, think about what Dufus is willing to say and do behind closed doors. (Shudder)
Note: He showed me letters to his grandma… not “she.” And grandma wrote him back…
Always great when kids are around playing loud TV shows.
My cheating ex-BF was an atheist, but insanely pious. He got red-faced when I would use the word ‘fuck.’ I later explained to him that it was better to openly and productively use the word ‘fuck’ in conversation than to actually fuck other people in secret, like he did.
(Me, I’m a recovering Baptist.)
Gotta love the super judgemental hypocrite types! Always quick to point out everyone else’s supposed “wrong doings”. Wag that finger at someone else!
Oh yeah!!!
“ how the x could cheat on his pregnant wife? It’s disgusting”
Cheating on his pregnant wife was an action of grace…?!?
“ x and y just go to the bar, drink beer and talk bs”
Yes, sneaking out and responding to ho’s posts on Craigslist, followed by taking them for dinner
and fucking them was definitely better option.
Delusional thinking is just over the top
Mine used alot of stuff for his excuses on cheating. He used his dads death, not having enough in common but what really took it was he told our son that he couldn’t be with me because I was a atheist and hes a Christian and we cant be together and one day my son would understand. First off I’m not a atheist and he could be with me for 20 years but to this day he still continues to lie. Last time I asked him about his support he sent me tons of scriptures on lying and judgements. Gotta live it!!
On D’Day I got a Sanitised Sally, Sally likes to trickle truth or lie by omision. Sally’s will ignore they have done anything wrong but if confronted will privied a simplifed version of the truth in order to show Chump is blowing things all out of proportion, this allows cheater to put things into perspective for their audiance resulting in them thinking that cheater is just a pore misunderstood victim and that the Chump is a crazy over reactive vindictive bitch. Chump is not this at all, to get the reaction from chump that Sally needs she will often own up to more sinister things in private causing chumps reaction. Sally is very good at make people belive her.
On D’Day the cheaters confession came with a number of omisions that ensured he could paint himself as the victim while ripping my world apart. The sanitised version of events that he told our church elders and them me while in there presence were so inconsistant it was a joke, but it had the self appointed spiritual gaints of our church scrambling to show of their Bob the Builder skills, “Can we fix it? Yes we can!” but only if chump accepts the sanitised version of events, does not make any rash decisions (aka -Divorce), does not sin in her anger, allows us to call all the shots, and above all dose not speak of what is going on, to anybody- because this could hinder cheaters recovery. Chump must remain 100% silent on the matter. Praise all that is holy I did not allow them to dictate my life, I listened to my gut and I called it a day with cheater and that church. Months later Cheater claimed he was delivered of an unclean sexual spirit (aka – the devil made me do it) and within a year of separation the cheater and the church were jointly grooming is current victim (aka- my replacement).
5 years on and I do not regret my decisions.
I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more just to get to Meh and never have you ever again cross my door or ooooooor!
sorry for all the miss spelling.
Bowing to the alpacas, Bic pens, baptisms by wife-banging pastors, my modest contribution towards increasing the data for good statistics is Icon Idiot: I showed up at his weekday apartament, which I rarely visited, and found a pile of FIVE Bibles on the night table, two rosaries strung over the bed’s headboard, a scapulary, a saccharine card from OW (on top of the Bibles) telling sparkledick how she prayed for him to come back safely from a trip and my picture in the bathroom. OW is always posting pictures of herself praying (naturally, with her boobs popping out of her clothes…).
How about New Age Nigel?
(I thought I had a Jesus Cheater, but seems not after he left hoping to wander Mongolia with the OW and pray to the Lords of the Mountains…)
New Age Nigel: No, it’s not New Relationship Energy sparkles – it’s a love that transcends time and space! She and I are Meant To Be – maybe it’s a reincarnation thing! And her personal energy is amazing while yours is drab and boring and twice-as-old-as-she-is housewifey dull. I feel no sparkle with you so I must seek and journey after the sparkle. I want to be the best Nigel I can and she is the best person I ever met so I must be with her to Transform myself. When I’m free of everyday spouse, children, changing light bulbs, feeling responsible and other normie crap, I can finally have a life!
Wondering whether regularly having sex at church would count as being a Jesus cheater?!!!. I found a draft of a letter he wrote to Schmoopie. (Which was very helpful as it gave me a full time line and history of their 2.5 year affair). His letter included details of all his “wonderful, special memories” of their times together, including “making love” regularly with the sun on our backs” at the local Catholic church. WTF?!
We lived in a very small village and this was the tiny church we attended and where our children were christened! There was a rumour in town that people were having rendezvous at the church..I was mortified to learn that it was my husband they were talking about, and I was the last to know.
He really is like a dog marking his scent everywhere. Revolting behaviour.
My marriage was interfaith. In the beginning, we’d visit each other’s churches and study both the Bible and the Book of Mormon together.
He began dating Schmoopie and, sure enough, it started again. Bible/BoM studies, visiting each other’s churches (never mind that, on the day they visited his, I was sitting in the front row with his 9-month-old, having been invited by a leader’s wife to their baby blessing, having been assured my husband hadn’t been to church in months). It was like he was reliving his youthful interfaith romance with me, but with more smut. Or more slut, as it were.
She dumped him and married a youth pastor and is now a “worship leader” at her husband’s church. I reported the affair to her current church leaders and of course she immediately demanded forgiveness.
Jesus Cheaters are a special breed of f’ed up.
I was raised in a secular home. Started going to church in my early twenties. Met the man who would become my husband (now ex). I was impressed by his commitment to the church. He taught Sunday School, was keeping himself pure for marriage. This was completely different from any secular man I had met. He courted me (I now see that I overlooked huge red flags) and we married. I wanted a tiny wedding. He wanted a huge one. I paid for most of his dream wedding. On the way to the hotel, he got super cranky. By the time we actually got down to our first time having sex, he was whiny and standoffish and just wanted to get it over with. I chalked it up to jitters – after all, he was a virgin. But in 13 years of marriage, the only time he ever initiated a kiss or permitted me to kiss him was at our wedding ceremony. He shamed me and blamed me for wanting affection and sex. He was cruel. He would pretend to let me get close to him, only to grab me roughly or jam a finger into my ear or glare at me once my guard was down. After a year or two, I stopped trying. But he was so nice to everyone else, that I thought he must be right when he said it was my fault. Over time, we had two children. He used to say he wanted children. I asked him how could we have children when he wouldn’t even let me sit next to him on the couch. He smirked and told me to tell him when I was fertile, then he would “get it over with”. I thought it would get better, and I wanted children. I was completely destroyed and twisted around by this point, or else I would have left. But I had made a promise to God, and I wanted to be true to that promise. While he impregnated me, he grabbed me roughly and shook me. I was not to touch him or look at him. I don’t know what on earth he thought of to get himself through, but it wasn’t me. Long story short, after 14 years of extreme witholding of sex and affection, I left my husband. I am sure he has some sort of double life – he would ditch us after supper and stay out drinking, stumble home late and wake me up even though I was ready doing all the night feedings. I have no idea what it could be. He is excellent at hiding. He is a pillar of our Christian school community. He sings worship songs around the house, in the car. If you met him, you would think he was the most warm and unassuming guy. Everyone loves him and blames me. I lost my church and many “friends” when I left. I was told I was ruining my children by leaving. It was whispered that I had no respect for marriage and family values. It has been three years since I left. The children seem to be fine. There are so many horrible things he said and did that it is overwhelming to out even some of it down. He says he is addicted to porn but I am skeptical. I asked him what he watches. He replied, “the normal kind”. I have never seen him check out a woman. I would have been relieved to see any evidence of sexual desire, even if it was directed elsewhere. He scorned and rejected any attempt of mine to be close to him – except in public. Then he would out his arm around me and I would feel so grateful and shocked that I just accepted it. He would also rage in private. I am still deciding whether to reconnect with my church or not. Many people I knew still associate on good terms with him, and think he is a wonderful father and a great guy. He has stepped up in his parenting – and refuses to pay child support until the FRO threatens to take away his passport and driver’s license. So he coughs some up once a year or so. I could go on, but I have already gone on long enough! His dad is a pastor and a missionary.
Deliberate cruelty and blatant disrespect. Good riddance
Oh, I bet he is addicted to porn. Gay porn. A guy who never once truly desired sex with you and never checked out other women is most likely as gay as Mardi Gras. Since he’s also an evil, abusive sociopath, he blamed you for his gay desires and made you suffer for his inability to admit his true sexual orientation. It’s fairly common for religiosity to be used as a cover by closeted gay men who have not accepted their sexuality and feel a lot of shame over it. As for those bars he got drunk in, let’s just say they probably featured a lot of leather.
When the ex’s OW rejected him he went to her church and announced HER as an adulterer to her elders. Knowing they would humiliate and rake her over the coals.
Ha ha. Serves her right.
One of the most painful aspects of this situation is how he has completely stepped up his parenting. He competes with me. And of course he is winning. He is a great cook. After ripping me apart every day for how badly I do absolutely everything, including loading the dishwasher, I experience panic and a sense of impending doom when cooking and cleaning. I do it anyway. But not very well. His parents gave him their barely used car and pay the insurance on it. He still has lots of money to buy his cigarettes and alcohol (which he hides from everyone except for the twosome of father-son alcoholics he visits almost every day). He takes our kids shopping, on trips, etc. Before he was barely there (except in public). Now he is Super Dad. For the children’s sake, I am glad. It could be so much worse.
The children were young when I left their father, so they don’t remember the rages, the punching holes into walls. This reinforces in everyone’s mind that I was the problem. I try not to envy chumps whose abusers are obviously assholes. I used to pray that he would hit me so I would have something to show. After being broken down by him for 13 years, of course he does things better. He has no need for closeness. He is a robot, a shark. No empathy. No remorse. No acknowledgement that he has done anything wrong at all. He fits the definition of a sociopath, which someone has dubbed, “a disorder of social hiding”. We share our children 50/50. My lawyer told me not to bother even trying for full custody.
What is it with the dishwasher loading and these weirdos?
I had that too. Meanwhile Lying Loser would leave dirty dishes and cups by the sofa during his ‘Netflix Studies’
Also, I accidentally washed colours with whites early on – he never let that one go in 20 years.
I couldn’t hang washing, iron nor fold clothes ‘properly ‘.
And yet- Lying Loser would leave his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor and his dirty underpants on the bathroom floor- next to the laundry basket- every single time. I gave up mentioning it because: rage channel.
Meanwhile sex was daily, daily got weirder – but I was never allowed to initiate it – because ‘Ladies don’t do that’
Recovery Step 1: Identifying the fuckedupedness.
Recovery Step 2: Forgiving myself for putting up with that shit
I went out and got a job that allows me to be home with my kids when it’s my turn with them. My co-workers voted me Co-worker of the Month four months after I started there. I couldn’t believe it wasn’t done out of pity, or that I had fooled them somehow. The effects of long term abuse are insidious, and yes, there is a truckload of FOO issues. While Super Dad was paying for toys, I saved up and paid tuition fees and medical bills for our children. Within the three years after leaving him, I had weaned myself off antidepressants, broken my foot, gotten a job, had major abdominal surgery to remove a huge ovarian cyst, had a cancer scare, and struggled to pull myself out of poverty. I got off welfare. I am slowly gathering the shattered pieces of myself, and am not sure how to fit all the pieces together. Some pieces are missing. But I am slowly moving forward one step at a time. I feel joy every single day (he never managed to take that from me). I laugh. I hug my kids, tell them I love them, and feed them my less than perfect
meals. I may never get as far as I could have gotten had I been raised in a healthy family and married a healthy man – in other words, if I had started out healthy myself. I am working my way toward healing and wholeness, however unimpressive it may look to others. I pray that my children will overcome this and be healthy.
Good job baffled-very impressive! We all have issues we have to deal with. It’s not where you cane from, it is what you are doing today to live a healthy life of integrity. I am envious that you feel joy. I’m trying to get there and have brief moments. Maybe that’s good enough! Hugs
Hi Thrive,
Thanks! I think you’ll find joy again, even brief moments in the gloom. I have brief moments of joy amid hours and days of anxiety, self-doubt, guilt, and self-blame. I make myself focus on that joyful moment and be in that moment. Maybe it’s something my kids do, a weird thought that goes through my head, a good joke …. I like some stand up comedy, and sometimes dark comedy or gallows humour does the trick when everything looks hopeless (nothing too beyond the pale, though). Is it squeaky clean? No. But I have had enough of false piety. A strange moment with the ex: we were in the car, stuck in traffic. In front of us was a truck with a bumper sticker that proclaimed, “Since you’re riding my ass, the least you could do is pull my hair.” I was so surprised I barked out a laugh. Ex turns to glare at me with righteous condemnation, “That is SIN!”. Really? Says the man who treats his wife with abuse and contempt and gets off on who knows what. It’s a bumper sticker! In poor taste? Perhaps. But it’s not harming anyone, whereas he most certainly did.
Baffled – you know that we know your story isn’t just impressive, it’s inspiring, gives us hope and we are joyful with you at what you’ve overcome and achieved ❤
You remind me of myself baffled. A gentle spirit. Hugs.
If it makes you feel better even the Devil like beautiful things.
Keep doing you.
Thank you for your kindness!
I feel baffled (ha!) that my story comes across as impressive. Every day feels terrifying, and I have to fight hard against despair. Thank you again for your support and kindness. I am astounded at the horrible acts that have been inflicted on each of us. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
You are amazing. You must stop putting yourself down. That is his voice, still inside your head. I’m sure your cooking and cleaning are fine. It’s not like it’s rocket science to load a dishwasher and anybody can follow a recipe.
I get that you want others to know he’s the one who sucks, not you, and there’s a way to do it. If he’s still berating and verbally abusing you, record him every time you see him on a microcassete you hide in your bra, or on your phone. Record his phone calls and keep his abusive texts. Gather up your evidence for the friends and relatives who think he’s a wonderful guy and invite them over for dinner. Use a great recipe, be a fantastic hostess, and after dinner, tell them you value their input and would like their advice on dealing with a difficult situation. Then play the recordings and show the texts. Enjoy the stunned silence that follows. It will put a smile on your face whenever you think of it for as long as you live.
That’s justice, Baffled. You need some.
James Bond:
1. Preyed in the neighbor young lady we were planning to pray with.
2. Emailed a picture to the single mom of my student so he could slowly wear down her defenses and seduce her
3. Invited the neighbor young couple over for dinner to start the seduction of the wife
4. Caught wind of the loose woman, single mom, in our faith community and tracked her down, started her seduction with serving as mentor of her son at camp
5. Called himself a humanitarian while dealing in human trafficking, buying slaves, as CL says, for one hour.
6. Valued for his intelligence, no one could possibly believe he is evil.
7. Knows how to access what minimal sin he can admit to, and then blow-up the wife’s plea for help to the elders.
8. Tried to strike a deal with wife, “you stay quiet and I won’t tell anybody that you’re crazy”
QueenMother,
James Bond’s behaviour is evil. You are well rid of him. I have no words.
Thank you Baffled
Justification Janet- My ex told me recently that she is not cheating on my anymore because in God’s Eyes we are longer married. WHAT! I’m still wearing my ring. When I asked her to explain, her only reply was, “NOPE!”
Our divorced is 5-6 months away.
While my 19 year marriage to a covert narcissist was blowing up a man I knew who I had business contacts with was very supportive of my plight. He seemed such a great person. Attractive, retired AF officer, husband, father, Man of Faith, dog owner and Champion of the down trodden. He apologizes on behalf his Religion to me when I tell him I am not a Christian due to my negative experiences by Christians and organized religion.
At first we only talked during our interactions through his work. Then he started calling and texting to “see how I was doing”. Chatting me up. When I finally asked him what was going on with him he tells me “He’s in love with his wife, but very attracted to me.” I tell him he needs to get his shit together, I don’t do adultery. He tells me his marriage is solid, but he can’t get me out of his mind.
On one hand it was great to have an attractive sympathetic man to talk with when my self-esteem was so low, but it was insidiously evil too. He kept trying to work me for over a year while I was going through my separation and divorce. Subtle seduction absolutely, but without going over the edge – he never came out and asked that I meet him for a drink, said anything or touched me inappropriately. I could have had him fired. I could have busted him with his wife. A real smooth Player. And exactly the Holy Hypocrite that I despise. I was at my lowest, extremely emotionally vulnerable. I can totally understand how some woman could fall into that trap of having an affair in those circumstances. Yet I was divorcing because my husband had accused me of having affairs (never, ever!) while he was the one cheating. There was no way I was going to go out and cause that kind of pain for someone else, or respect a man who who would do that to his wife and family.
Oh, and he has since left that company and is now a pastor at a local mega church. I’m sure all the lady parishioners are enjoying his lessons immensely. Wonder if his wife has a clue.
Did you ever consider attending a church service and standing up to denounce him to the congregation? I’ve always hoped that someone would do that.
I hope you saved those chat transcripts to share with his wife and congregation.
My ex wore his rosary beads for about a month. You could see then peaking out from under his clothing even when out in public. From what I read that is sacreligious or a sign you are in a gang. Maybe he was in the I would Bang anything Gang!
He has now moved on. All is forgiven. I wore the beads! New girlfriend in the picture too. She showed up two weeks after I moved out. Almost a year to the date. My ex and three kids attended her church last week on his weekend. One big happy family!
Sure she is a good Christian woman that is now bringing my children to her church. My ex does not even know who he is, hold true to his own beliefs, and reinvents himself to please others. The divorce isn’t even finalize and she probably only says “oh god” when here legs are stretched open and up to the heavens. She really has no idea who she is getting involved with. Please pray for her!
Judge ruled 50/50 custody this past week. Advised to be better co-parents and communicate. Should I have been consulted if children were going to be brought to another church?
I’m dealing with the opposite. My cheater’s pretty run of the mill, but his other woman is a “feminist” who spends a lot of time sharing memes about women supporting one another. She hates me for ruining her golden relationship with my husband and refusing to partake in the beautiful friendship she and I might have enjoyed had I not been so uptight about her fucking my husband and trying to convince him I’m insane. Pointing out that she’s an asshole just makes me a backwards slutshamer, apparently. Which is annoying because I’m *actually* a feminist who cares about the sisterhood. I guess she’d be a Jesus cheater if we lived in a different part of the country.
The Naked Pastor had a enlightening cartoon on this subject today.
Check it out:
https://www.facebook.com/110397698989749/posts/2387564984606331/