The Universal Bullshit Translator delights in the word vomit of the Other Woman with a bad case of the sadz. The sort of star-crossed luvah who clamors for recognition that only publication in a major newspaper can confer, that says — Yes You Were Special (clickbait).
Thank you, the legions of Chump Nation who sent the Guardian’s ‘A Letter to My Lover’s Wife.”
Without further UBT ado.
I know you exist, which is more than can be said about me.
I hardly exist, except as a telepathic ghost who knows everything about your relationship. #watchmewalkthruwalls #pardonmyectoplasm
You share his name, his child, his home and his public life. I share stolen moments which might just as well not exist.
I want your life. Deny me and your private sorrow is fodder for The Guardian! #becauseIcan #Ialsodochildrensparties
I share his thoughts, his dreams and his feelings; all that’s inside him, but nothing that’s part of external life.
We both now share bacterial vaginosis. You’re welcome.
You have a marriage of more than 20 years, which encompasses a few public and family activities; sharing the home you run, the child you both love from the bottom of your hearts. But your love for him dried up many years ago.
I presume to know your heart, your innermost thoughts, your relationship, the roast chicken you had for dinner last night, and the contents of your trashcans.
Think of me as a ghost. Wispy, forlorn and tragic. Ghosts can be ANYWHERE! Poof! I’m in your bedroom! Poof! I’m in your mind HAUNTING YOU! Poof! Watch me make sweet, sweet pottery with your husband!
Okay, I’m not actually a ghost, I’m a stalker.
You are happy in the life you have carved out for yourself, but is he happy in a marriage in which you fulfil your selected responsibilities of a wife, but none of love?
Do you not think of him? Do you not glance up from your to-do lists and Excel spreadsheets of responsibilities and SELECT LOVE? #frigidcow
Do you love him? If he were loved, would he have been actively seeking me?
Only your love can prevent his dating profiles. You and you alone could save this. Thank God you’re too busy there with your number 2 pencils and bubble sheets choosing select duties to notice him. Because this dreamboat is MINE.
I don’t blame you – you stopped loving him. But why stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of appearances?
That’s really the question I want to ask him — If you don’t love her, why are you in this marriage and won’t leave? But I’m too dim to understand cake. #IllTakeFuckbuddyfor200Alex
I ended it today because I got tired of not existing. He doesn’t want to hurt his child, and we kept trying to figure how we could work this out without doing so. It pained me to think I could bring his life crumbling down. I saw no way to go on. Nor did he; his child’s hurt was unbearable to him – his own and mine bearable in comparison.
He could never bring unbearable pain to his child. Fucking around on his child’s mother, however, is just tickety boo.
It pained me to think I could bring his life crumbling down, so much so that I called a newspaper editor and pitched a story. #nowaytogoon
Why won’t you give him the love he needs? Why won’t you give him the companionship and care that comes of loving someone, and not just the daily endeavours required of a publicly successful marriage?
Yes, I’m just nobly concerned about the love HE needs. The love I need can just take a piss in a dumpster. As for the love you need or your child needs, well, fuck you both. HE NEEDS CARE! NOT DAILY ENDEAVOURS!
I am not asking you to set him free,
Just release him on Thursdays and every second Sunday. We could GPS him. #sisterwives
just that you understand and love him – and let him understand and love you. Make yours a marriage more than in name only. After all, you must have once had a real marriage? How can you be happy with the trimmings, but not the essence?
All the time I was fucking your husband, my motive was improving your marriage.
How can you be happy with trimmings like a shared mortgage, in-laws, and insurance beneficiary forms and neglect the essence of marriage, which is children’s vomiting illnesses and Netflix?
I myself have learned to construct an entire relationship from trimmings. Furtive fucks, take-out kabobs, 3 a.m. texts. I WAS HAPPY! Why can’t you be HAPPY?!
I have no right to say anything, and I know only one side of the story. But the man I know would have chosen you had you given him an iota of the love he seeks. He would still choose you because he feels duty bound, but he has been starved of romantic love and care.
The man I know would never see any other Other Women in 20 years. He would never craft another dating profile. He is trapped under an evil enchantment of your withholding.
When did the romance in you die and why? From all I know of your man, he would never have strayed. He is just not the type. Even as the girlfriend of a married man, who couldn’t share what we had in public, or demand proof of fidelity, he was faithful and went the extra mile lest I felt insecure. Why did you let that go?
I only know one side of the story, but when did the romance in you die? When did your pussy dry up and reject him? Why have you devoted your life to checklists?
He was a good man. He went the extra mile to assure me. You should see the text volleys! He was faithful, except for being married to you.
We had FIDELITY! I don’t know what that word means, and I can’t prove it, but I know this — I know I am superior to you and this is unfair.