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UBT: ‘A Letter to My Lover’s Wife’

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The Universal Bullshit Translator delights in the word vomit of the Other Woman with a bad case of the sadz. The sort of star-crossed luvah who clamors for recognition that only publication in a major newspaper can confer, that says — Yes You Were Special (clickbait).

Thank you, the legions of Chump Nation who sent the Guardian’s ‘A Letter to My Lover’s Wife.”

Without further UBT ado.

I know you exist, which is more than can be said about me.

I hardly exist, except as a telepathic ghost who knows everything about your relationship. #watchmewalkthruwalls #pardonmyectoplasm

You share his name, his child, his home and his public life. I share stolen moments which might just as well not exist.

I want your life. Deny me and your private sorrow is fodder for The Guardian! #becauseIcan #Ialsodochildrensparties

I share his thoughts, his dreams and his feelings; all that’s inside him, but nothing that’s part of external life.

We both now share bacterial vaginosis. You’re welcome.

You have a marriage of more than 20 years, which encompasses a few public and family activities; sharing the home you run, the child you both love from the bottom of your hearts. But your love for him dried up many years ago.

I presume to know your heart, your innermost thoughts, your relationship, the roast chicken you had for dinner last night, and the contents of your trashcans.

Think of me as a ghost. Wispy, forlorn and tragic. Ghosts can be ANYWHERE! Poof! I’m in your bedroom! Poof! I’m in your mind HAUNTING YOU! Poof! Watch me make sweet, sweet pottery with your husband!

Okay, I’m not actually a ghost, I’m a stalker.

You are happy in the life you have carved out for yourself, but is he happy in a marriage in which you fulfil your selected responsibilities of a wife, but none of love?

Do you not think of him? Do you not glance up from your to-do lists and Excel spreadsheets of responsibilities and SELECT LOVE? #frigidcow

Do you love him? If he were loved, would he have been actively seeking me?

Only your love can prevent his dating profiles. You and you alone could save this. Thank God you’re too busy there with your number 2 pencils and bubble sheets choosing select duties to notice him. Because this dreamboat is MINE.

I don’t blame you – you stopped loving him. But why stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of appearances?

That’s really the question I want to ask him — If you don’t love her, why are you in this marriage and won’t leave? But I’m too dim to understand cake. #IllTakeFuckbuddyfor200Alex

I ended it today because I got tired of not existing. He doesn’t want to hurt his child, and we kept trying to figure how we could work this out without doing so. It pained me to think I could bring his life crumbling down. I saw no way to go on. Nor did he; his child’s hurt was unbearable to him – his own and mine bearable in comparison.

He could never bring unbearable pain to his child. Fucking around on his child’s mother, however, is just tickety boo.

It pained me to think I could bring his life crumbling down, so much so that I called a newspaper editor and pitched a story. #nowaytogoon

Why won’t you give him the love he needs? Why won’t you give him the companionship and care that comes of loving someone, and not just the daily endeavours required of a publicly successful marriage?

Yes, I’m just nobly concerned about the love HE needs. The love I need can just take a piss in a dumpster. As for the love you need or your child needs, well, fuck you both. HE NEEDS CARE! NOT DAILY ENDEAVOURS!

I am not asking you to set him free,

Just release him on Thursdays and every second Sunday. We could GPS him. #sisterwives

just that you understand and love him – and let him understand and love you. Make yours a marriage more than in name only. After all, you must have once had a real marriage? How can you be happy with the trimmings, but not the essence?

All the time I was fucking your husband, my motive was improving your marriage.

How can you be happy with trimmings like a shared mortgage, in-laws, and insurance beneficiary forms and neglect the essence of marriage, which is children’s vomiting illnesses and Netflix?

I myself have learned to construct an entire relationship from trimmings. Furtive fucks, take-out kabobs, 3 a.m. texts. I WAS HAPPY! Why can’t you be HAPPY?!

I have no right to say anything, and I know only one side of the story. But the man I know would have chosen you had you given him an iota of the love he seeks. He would still choose you because he feels duty bound, but he has been starved of romantic love and care.

The man I know would never see any other Other Women in 20 years. He would never craft another dating profile. He is trapped under an evil enchantment of your withholding.

When did the romance in you die and why? From all I know of your man, he would never have strayed. He is just not the type. Even as the girlfriend of a married man, who couldn’t share what we had in public, or demand proof of fidelity, he was faithful and went the extra mile lest I felt insecure. Why did you let that go?

I only know one side of the story, but when did the romance in you die? When did your pussy dry up and reject him? Why have you devoted your life to checklists?

He was a good man. He went the extra mile to assure me. You should see the text volleys! He was faithful, except for being married to you.

We had FIDELITY! I don’t know what that word means, and I can’t prove it, but I know this — I know I am superior to you and this is unfair.

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
      • But the best part is the last, “he was faithful”!!! Wait, he was faithful to you? Because sleeping with a whore while he has a wife, is being unfaithful. I love how these stupid sluts believe that “their” married man isn’t sleeping with their wives!! Man, they really do have their heads parked up the man’s ass.

        • Yes, I had that. My ex was actually faithful to his mistresses, not me.
          No matter that he was a selfish, lousy lover, I was trying to rekindle some king of romantic connection. Always with an excuse — fatigue, work, too much liquor and my favorite — a herpes breakout.

          Perhaps he’s upped his game and fucks like a man and not a boy now. He was never the man I thought he was. He’ll never be a man in my eyes.

      • Same as others….I couldn’t even finish reading. Experienced horrific tics and just had to stop ✋🏻 UGH-LY!!!!!

  • Was that really published for the world to see???

    What the actual hell?

    Thanks Guardian, for the effort in printing such vapid ignorance.

    • Same thought here: she believes his lies.

      OR this OW is just another presumptuous, omnipotent, smug, condescending, sanctimonious schmoopie.

      And, frankly, The Guardian disappoints me sometimes. OR am I missing a point they try to make? About how stupid people can be?

    • A dear dear friend
      Who recently boarded our chumpy Love Boat
      Recently found out there is an OW2
      She told OW2 about OW1
      Boy was OW2 mad!
      Boy was OW2 hurt!
      OW2 was mad and hurt because…….
      SHE HAD BEEN CHEATED ON!!
      The nerve of him!
      The gall of him!
      OW2 jumped in her car and zoomed off!
      To give him a piece of her mind!
      But when she got there
      She found out she didn’t have any.

      • Ugh. @VelvetHammer. The stupid is strong with these ones. Fuckup’s schmoopie was devastated when she found out he’d “cheated on” her with me. I later found out that she sent him an article about infidelity and forgiveness to guide him in how to put things right with her. You just can’t make this stuff up.

      • My asshat Ex has 31 OW! Yep just like the ice cream! I found out he was cheating because it turns out that cheaters hate to get cheated on! They run straight to the wife, me, to tattle to me about what a low life good for nothing cheater he is! So I got to have 7 D-days thanks to cheater mc cheaterson! These 7 told me about the others. I got PTSD out of the deal.

        • They run straight to the wife, me, to tattle to me about what a low life good for nothing cheater he is!

          WTF? They knew he was a cheater going in. What did they expect?

          • I have no idea! But once during our “wreckonsiliation” I came back from therapy with him to a message from one OW saying that 3 others were in a chat room fighting over him and she felt “Duty bound” to let me know what he was doing! She suddenly grew a conscience after having an affair with him for who knows how long!

    • They do fall for the lies. These cheaters are smooth. I see it with my own ex. Not just with OW, but everyone. They are masters at impression management.

      My ex has one child he’s never even met, one child who refuses to have anything to do with him, one child who has dinner with him twice a month, and the youngest who he asks to see every other month for 5 to 10 minutes.

      Yet the OW wants to get married and have kids with him. She honestly believes that he would never abandon her or their children.

      I was a fool, too. But there was a lot I did not know because he hid it so well. She has too many facts to be so stupid. Oh well…at least she distracts him from bothering me.

      • I think the absolute worst thing about many OW is that they are actually in competition with the kids too…

        My ex sees my son every other weekend. And an hour during the week. There was a daytime wedding. And he took his girlfriend in a separate car and had his mom take our son in a separate car. Im glad cause if ex wanted to drink thats much better. But they could have all travelled in the same car with his mom?

        He barely sees his son and i felt bad for son. I had a conversation with my friend saying, “That would be a huge red flag for me. If a guy i was dating did that.”

        She pointed out that most women feel good about stuff like that.

        I think these women are just as bad as the exes.

        • Same here.
          After discovering their affair, I met with x’s ow to get a broader picture of what had really gone on for the past 1.5yrs of my life.
          X’s ow was pretty happy in telling me how my ex had chosen to go spend time with her instead of with me and our dog, in our new house we’d just bought together – for a major hurricane! He’d lied and told me that he got stuck in his office and the bridge had been closed, leaving me on my own for 2 days. No power, no water. She said “The fact that he wanted to come stay with me during that big storm means a lot!”
          Yeah, dummy… the fact that he’d bail on his previous commitments like his wife, his pet and his property to go be irresponsible with a side piece is SO admirable! Her integritometer failed. smh

          They are delusional and self-absorbed individuals.

          • Reminds me of the time here in Chicagoland where we had a really bad summer storm. So bad that power was out most everywhere in the northern burbs for days and weeks in some places.

            I really made some good memories with my four kids and dog during that time. Out where I lived, we were on well and septic which meant no power means no water and no toilets, no laundry, no fridge or AC/heat. All of the hotels nearby were completely booked. A nice repair guy took pity on the five of us, my youngest ones were still in diapers, he brought us a large jug of drinking water. So during these three or four days I taught my kids how to use a’camp toilet’, how to use candles safely, where all of the flashlights were located, how to keep cool on hot summer nights, how dry ice works and easy camp cooking. I would take the kids to the gym to shower and cool off in the pool.

            Yeah. I called my cheater to let him know what was going on because, well BECAUSE. He had four young kids at home and we had no power. There was no way of knowing when it would be back on. I believed at the time he would cut his week long trip short to get back and help or whatever. The ‘whatever’ was emotional support. You know, the stuff you need during stressful situations. Nope. He was balls-deep in one of his OW’s rectums. Too busy to really care.

            I’m sure this choice to be with the OW made her feel super special. Trust me kind readers, people who intentionally cheat on their unknowing and loyal spouses get giddy duping the loyal SO,along with their APs.

            An AP knows they are always in competition with the SO and the cheater’s kids. They also get that giddy rush knowing that their cheater would make reckless, irresponsible decisions for a side piece. What the AP rarely understands is that they are a PIECE, not a person. So an AP getting upset their cheater is cheating on them is laughable to emotionally healthy adults.

        • I watched the news program a few weeks ago about the Colorado man who murdered his pregnant wife and two little daughters. Was I surprised to learn that his work girlfriend (who didn’t verify that he was in fact separated, not still married) didn’t run when he failed to mention his daughters right away during their “courtship” ? No,I wasn’t. By the way, why would anybody date a person is merely separated ? Total waste of time.

      • GetMeFree, that was my thoughts too >>>”They do fall for the lies. These cheaters are smooth. I see it with my own ex. Not just with OW, but everyone. They are masters at impression management.”

        To this day I still cannot believe how he not only fooled so many people with all his lies (and there were a ton of them!), but he got away with it. He’s actually even more dangerous then when I first met him way back in 1989. He’s had years of years of fine-turning his craft of lies and impression management.

        I fell for his lies again and again, because I had no idea these wolves in sheep clothing existed and I believed that he was a godly, Christian man. But he’s not. He pretends to be one for impression management. I’ve seen who he truly is under the mask and he’s ugly! So I can see in a way why people believe his lies. But a lot of people witnessed and heard about my mental meltdowns and I wasn’t ever that way before. You’d think they wonder what he was doing to cause me to start going “crazy”? But no. They just believed whatever lies he was telling about me. I think some people just want to believe the lies. As Jack Nicholson said, “You (they) can’t handle the truth!” It’s much easier for them to believe I’m the bad guy and he’s the saint.

        • Martha, it is not about believing him over you. It is more about not wanting to believe he is really so bad. You didn’t want to believe it and nor do they. And when he spins his story, they fall for it. My ex is a master of threading a sliver of truth into it to give him credibility, but leaves out a lot more. It is all done to mislead and manipulate people.

          People who say, “I’m sure we don’t know the whole story.” Or “There are always two sides.” are people I remove from my circle.

    • IKR? 😁😁😁😁😁

      Personally, I think the BEST thing about Twitter is that it resulted in hashtags and we, therefore, get to experience the glorious hashtags the UBT provides. Always AWESOME!

      #frigidcow

  • Boy she’s desperately seeking some kibbles and the realization of being a side dish fuck OW/fuckbuddy hasn’t quite lit that dim bulb in her simpleton brain. Of course he gave her the sad sausage of a loveless and sexless marriage. Even the dimmest of bulbs aren’t as likely to fall for the married man who says he has a great wife and great sex but is looking for a little strange. And according to her letter, when she started pressing him for more is when he dumped her under the guise of hurting his son. She’s dumb enough to fall for all of his words hook, line, and sinker.

    And the UBT is on fire for 2019!! I snorted coffee with: #IllTakeFuckbuddyfor200Alex

    • Twice

      Exactly… because during the lovely stage of fucking the side dish, his children hibernated and the pain , hurt, etc. was not existing…
      The story about sad sausage? Oh my… such a noble, honorable man she encountered… he just needed love and care…. wife was probably doing his job ( taking care of the kids) while he was fucking around, but hey…. he NEEDED love and care….
      🤮

  • “Do you love him? If he were loved, would he have been actively seeking me?”

    He really was actively seeking lunchtime blowjobs in the SUV. (Because you both had such “challenging” careers.) You win.

  • Oh! Sweet Mother of Jesus!
    I’m a psych nurse. The only thing more delusional I have ever heard was from a guy who lived in a cave for 3 months thinking he was a teenage mutant ninja turtle.
    He gladly recovered.
    Not sure there’s any hope for this shit.

    • The OW I had to deal with might run a close second. And the tragic Harlequin Romance language is at least as bad.

      OWhore#3 sent the glurge below to one of her flying monkeys, who shared it with Fucktard during our attempted wreckonciliation. He was trying for transparency at that time, so I saw it in his email. Utterly vomitrocious. (But she thought she was the bestest writer in the whooooole universe!!!)
      —-
      “I don’t know for sure what I was thinking.

      I can’t reconstruct it all. So much of what I was doing th. Not just the fact that I was intimate with a married man. Not just the fact that my mind was blown in ways that it had never been blown before. Not just that I was in a relationship more powerful than anything I’d dreamed of actually happening to me.

      Yet . . . [Fucktard] was a married man!!! Yet he’s not. Not really. “If you take a married man from his wife, someone else will be just as able to take him from you.” But I’m not taking him from his wife. She walked away from him many years ago. Away in all but the outward forms. And even if he “strays” in the future, with me, there will be no need for it to be a shattering event. I could have joy from that. (Note : Knowing what I now know of [Fucktard], I think it unlikely he would be able to “stray” if he were in a marriage with me. Or with any true wife, for that matter. But I’m not sure I knew that then.)

      In the language we’re using here (which would not have been the language I was using to myself this summer) [Fucktard] and [Chchchchump] may have had a true marriage in the beginning. Or they may not have. But, somewhere along the line, one or both of them stepped off the path. (My current suspicion is that [Chchchchump] was never actually fully on it. For me, that would explain Dave’s otherwise hard to explain ability to step off of it. And it happened long enough ago, their current paths have deviated far enough that there’s no way back on it. Past the point of no return. Unsalvageable

      If that were true. If I could believe that, then I could also believe this . . . this still, small voice, this gentle, quiet glow that told me it was right to be here, now doing this. It was appropriate

      [Fucktard] needed to be out of his not-a-covenant. He needed to be away from it. The path he was supposed to be on the path along which he was supposed to live and to learn and to grow and to glow, was away from that path that had him bound. Staying with the outward forms was keeping him from the life that was intended for him. (Words are so inadequate.) But he couldn’t get away from the outward forms. He couldn’t risk that kind of confrontation.

      I don’t think I verbalized it to myself. But when the outrageously obviously inappropriateness of what I was doing, who I was being, came out of its cave and made my knees shake and my belly quiver, that was part of the small fragment of light I reached for. Dave needed to be not-there. Dave needed . . . Dave couldn’t . . . Dave needed to be not-there. But he couldn’t get not-there by himself. He didn’t have that kind of strength. He couldn’t simply step from there into not-there. He needed a definite here into which to step. He needed a here into which to become whole. He needed that from me as much as I needed . . . still need . . . what he offered.”

      • I do not-wonder if he not-there’d with not-her, not so not-often. Words really are inadequate sometimes.

      • Will SOMEone please tell me why these dipshitz are ALWAYS on a “path” to somewhere?

        Wistfully looking off to the horizon, my XH would wax and wayne about “paths”. His path, OW path, my path, our path. Staying, straying, following on those paths…..

      • Because going “no there” with decency and integrity required strength and decency that he didnt have, so he snuck around and weaseled and lied.

      • Exhibit A that if you can’t boil your point down to one concise sentence, you don’t have a valid point. All this blabbering just screams “I will find a way to justify this and make me the victim of the story!”

  • Wow. This could have been written by the Dream Princess, except that the last thing she wrote to me was “If I’d known you this would never have happened”, and I believe she was telling the truth there.
    Yes, there really is always two sides to the story.

    • One of the OWs exh2 had contacted me and actually said the reason she was contacting me and confessed to me was because she saw through his lies about me via Facebook– the things that I posted… And that exh2/TEO had dumped her for the now OWife, Mrs. Dumbass
      They all figure it out in the end. Idiots

  • I’m stuck on the part where she’s calling him faithful and ‘not the type’. Is the broad that dense?!

    Why is there no option to leave comments? I’m over here foaming at the mouth.

    • Me too!! But the Guradian does ask for people’s letters. How about we all send a reply to the vapid waffle? 😝😏

    • @ItAin’tMe One of my acquaintances is quite the disordered predator. I bumped into her at the hardware store, and she was going on and on about her fellow celloist friend–who she’s “fooling around with.” She then went on and on about how dedicated he is to his family (he has a wife and kids). I just stood there with a blank stare/deer in the headlights look/emotional paralysis. I felt like I was in a haze.

      • Where do these OW keep finding such noble, saintly married men to deep throat? The mind boggles!

        Really tho…why would she even share that?! Does she think it makes her sound edgy or worldly? Gag!

  • “I have no right to say anything, and I know only one side of the story.

    But…”

    But I’m going to say it anyway, since clearly boundaries mean nothing to me.

    But your side of the story doesn’t matter, since I’m brilliant enough to have figured the whole thing out anyway.

    But this is the only way this letter would be published.

    But the world would not be able to benefit from my wisdom otherwise.

    But I’ve just now realized what a loser he is and am scrambling to save face.

  • It’s on days like this one that I am almost grateful for having crossed a cheater’s path. I laugh so hard. Oh man! Thanks for CL and CN!

  • Oh my god, this perfectly exemplifies the level of distortion, terminal uniqueness, and psychological arrested development, both parties to the affair are operate under.
    What a fucking moron!
    Just look at what her husband invited into their family’s lives…I hope the wife’s life is freed of these jack-asses in 2019 and the cheating SOB gets to spend the rest of his life in hell with that mentality.

  • “He’s not the type” ???????? Fucking serious? He is cheating! He’s been cheating! He is a cheater! He’s been making daily decisions for god knows how long to deceive and betray his wife! That is the “type”! The “type” who thinks cheating is justifiable!

    Let me guess…. She’s not the type who sleeps with married men, right?

    • Yeah, you know the guy regularly deceives his wife, but you cannot fathom that he’d deceive you, his side fuck? Really?

    • I’m not a type to get married and have kids.
      Yes, I got married and had kids.
      But
      I
      Am
      Not
      The
      Type

      🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

    • ^^^THIS^^^^
      The first months after D-Day, when I thought we were in reconciliation, when I thought we were working things out, he was openly dating her, splashed pictures of them all over social media, blocked me and my circle of course …
      Anyway, my point is that I wonder what she thinks of that time? Did she honestly think he wasn’t fooling around with me those months???
      Almost 4 years later, I don’t even care, but there will come a day when all will be revealed. 🤣😂 She’s a dumbass and deserves it.

    • They’re never “the type.” They all think they’re special. They all think their romps in the back of a car in the Wal-Mart parking lot are a unique form of human connection us normies could never comprehend. They never see themselves as the walking caricatures they are.

      I wish these people could have their outrageous dreams crushed on their own, without also destroying my perfectly reasonable and earned ones.

  • Oh dear. The poor little whoreling imagines that she’s throwing her wailing, ignorant self onto the Pyre of Forbidden Love, burning herself in sacrifice at the altar of her Beloved’s actual marriage. Theirs was a tragic romance, you know… she’s putting out feelers for a book. No one has ever known a loss like hers.

    Anyone have a broom and dustpan?

  • This creature is so dim she doesn’t even know that most cheaters claim the spouse has been unloving for years and the marriage is dead? My (entirely scientifically validated and not at all biased) estimate is that 98% of the time, it’s a lie and a blameshifting justification for their cheating. He went back to his wife not for the sake of his child, but because OW got too needy and it annoyed him. If he cared so much about the emotional well-being of his kid, he wouldn’t have put the marriage at risk by cheating in the first place. Just in case the woman who wrote this ever sees this CL post, I have a few points as a reality check for her:

    1) You’ve been used, ya silly bint. Wakey wakey!

    2) You’re a creepily self-centred, classic homewrecker. You’d have been overjoyed to break up that family, but he just wouldn’t do it. Now you’re angry at the wife. But it was HIM, twit. He lied to you the whole time so you’d have hope he’d leave her and continue to spread your legs.

    3) By “ghost”, you actually mean you have no authentic identity as a person. So you pick up married guys and define yourself by whatever they want you to be and by feeling superior over their wives. You are several ugly shades of pathetic.

    4) Piss off with your whiny jealousy and your married men fetish and go find a man of your own. Or can’t you? You’re too unstable to be considered wife material, I would guess. So see a shrink. You’re self-delusion is epic.

    5) Yeah, like your married jerk, my husband told the OW I didn’t love him when he started cheating, too. He claimed the marriage was long dead. Meanwhile, I had just moved out of our dream house for his sake (he insisted he could no longer be happy there and, duped wife that I was, I cared more about his happiness than my own) and was doing the jobs he had promised to do in renovating the new one. That was because he was too busy courting a cheap tart like you to work on the house he demanded we buy. I set my health back enormously with the stress it put me under, all for love and our (I thought) still very much alive marriage. He said he loved me and that this would be our forever home which we would retire in. The moral of this story? Cheaters. Always. Lie.
    Stitch that on a pillow, bitch. If you have time between married boyfriends, that is.

    • Hand raised high here. I burned the candle in both ends for 30 years until I burned out. When I drew the line for equal commitment and wanted out of the Master-Slave relatiinship, I was suddenly loveless, selfish, and deserving of all the hurt that was inflicted. I hadn’t seen the charm channel in so long…just rage and self pity. But boy did OW buy that justification and claimed to know our marriage logistics on the basis of his lies. Its what they want to hear and see. Rose colored glasses and ear plugs. Then they add injury to insult by justifying the end of their relationship as a sacrifice for him AND YOU! Aren’t they the martyr and collateral damage 😂 it’s mind blowing but SO boilerplate.

      • @NewBoundaries; Yep yep yep! I for one sure hear you! Master-Slave relationship indeed.

        When I became ill & he needed to step-up for the first time, he instead started to step-out. When I couldn’t adore & praise him or wait on him 24/7 or continue working full-time bringing in twice his salary for him to squander away, he started looking for someone else who could give him more than I could. Fuck me & fuck what I had done for him & given him over all those years. My needs didn’t matter, only his did.

        Poor sausage told ow just how awful & lazy of a wife I was. Told them I didn’t care about or love him anymore because I stopped working full-time & stopped cleaning & cooking for him like I used to. Did he tell them the extent of my illness & disability? Did he tell them he didn’t help his ill wife when she needed him to? Nope!

        • Of course he wouldn’t tell them that part. He’d have considered your needs irrelevant. He probably felt no obligation to help, because it’s all about him. YOU were supposed to exclusively fill the helper/giver role to him, and whether you wouldn’t or couldn’t because of illness makes no difference. It made him angry to lose what he felt entitled to so he made you pay. Does that sound about right, Rose? Are you better from your illness?

          That happened to me as well. Sick with lyme disease and fibromyalgia myself and with a mentally ill daughter to care for, getting no help or sympathy from The Asshole, and he starts to cheat. He tells the OW he wasn’t getting the “time and attention” he needed from me, so that proved I didn’t love him. He even whined to his friends that I was too sick to give him enough sex. He defines enough sex as twice a day. It was boring sex, so he’s lucky her ever got it at all. Even his mistress stopped having sex with the jerk after two sessions of his drunken ineptitude. But did he get angry with her, even though she gave no real reason for refusing? Oh no. He treated her like a queen in the hope she’d change her mind, for five years. Then he was busted, humiliating me with her in public, parading her around right in front of my own brother. Meanwhile, he had spent those years been nasty to me about the fact that I couldn’t have sex as often as he wanted. He didn’t see the link between being nasty and me not wanting to do it, either. I owed it to him, no matter how badly he treated me or how sick I was, in his deluded, entitled mind. For decades I would do it far more often than was good for me because he harassed me, used guilt trips, and even hinted that he might go elsewhere. I didn’t realize that it was coercion and that I was being both sexually and emotionally abused. Too much sex in our early years destroyed my urinary tract from frequent infections and I can’t ever have sex without pain. No concern from The Asshole. I owed him, pain or no pain, because his “needs” were everything.

          They are selfish to the core. I’m so glad I never have to touch that sick, abusive bastard again.
          Sorry if that was TMI. I had to let it out.

          • @Chumperella;

            Thank you so much for your reply to my post! You saying, “It made him angry to lose what he felt entitled to so he made you pay” is spot on! It made no sense to me why he was so angry at me since he left. (I started listing all the horrible things he did/has done since he left but it got way too long & I hadn’t even scratched the surface yet. So I deleted that part. Lol) That’s been one of the hardest thing to wrap my head around = why/how in the world he could be angry at me when I was the one who had everything to be angry about. You putting into words for me about a lot of his anger came from his sense of entitlement helped as, 5hat part has been difficult for me to put into words. Plus you saying he made me pay for it is exactly what happened/continues on. Some of his anger is also because of image management, especially with new gfs (& his love of drama & triangulation). He now seems to believe his own lies & re-write of history though. That still confuses me. I wonder if he has convinced himself that his lies are true or of he knows deep down they’re not. It sure seems like he now truly believes his own bs!

            I had realized that he was selfish years before and even realized he seemed to want a Mommy-Wife. I just had spackled with gallon buckets in order to relieve that deep down inside him was true love for me (as he told me he had) but that he just had a hard time showing it (actions). Nope. It turns out, there was nothing deep down in him but an empty soul!

            I have 15+ medical diagnosis, with Lung Disease from Hystoplasmosis being the most serious. Severe fibromyalgia gives me the most pain though. It’s the combination of all my medical issues that makes it difficult. Being diagnosed with C-PTSD due to what he put me though, especially after leaving, just made it all worse, of course.

            With lyme disease, fibromyalgia, & a mentally I’ll daughter, you’ve certainly had it rough too! It helps to know that there are others who have similar obstacles & can relate!

            What your xh put you through with the sex is horrible! What a selfish asshole! He was more concerned about his little dick than your health. There’s no explanation for that other than him being an entitled, selfish, uncaring, unfeeling, fucktard!!! I guess I should be thankful my xh stopped wanting sex from me the last few years. That’s a whole other story in itself.

            No, you didn’t give TMI. Venting & getting our stories out little by little, or all at once, often over & over is what helps us to process all the crap. Years later, I’m STILL attempting to process & understand. At the same time, I realize we can’t make sense of the senseless. That’s a hard catch-22!

            Again, thanks taking the time to give your helpful reply! I appreciate it!!!

            • P.S. I luv your screen name Chumperella! Everytime I see it, it reminds me of the cover band ZEPPARELLA. Look up their rendition of “When the Levy Breaks” on YouTube. It’s awesome, IMO. I would of posted a link here but being a techno dummy, I couldn’t figure out how to do that. Lol

              • I will check it out. Thanks. Thanks also for your kind response. Chumps supporting each other is a beautiful thing. ❤
                Btw, your ex sounds deeply disordered. The image obsession and the entitled selfishness seem to be beyond that of a run-of-the-mill asshole. I’m glad you got away.

    • Oh my gosh I laughed so hard!! Cheaters always lie….stitch that on a pillow, bitch.
      Love love love

    • Cheaters. Always. Lie. Stitch that on a pillow bitch!” This forever and always will be my favorite haha haha

      • I have a fantasy of putting that on a t-shirt and sending it as a delightful gift to the OW.
        But I already gave her the gift of dropping the dime on her to her husband about her many dalliances with other dudes. I’ve been generous enough. 😇

      • Now I really do want a pillow that says that to enjoy myself! Hm, maybe I should take up cross stitching. Lol

    • Schmoopie’s husband cheated on her and I have no doubt he said these things about his marriage to his skank and yet she couldn’t connect the dots to comprehend that perhaps I wasn’t as unloving and frigid as ex made me out to be.

      At some point she found out that I still loved him and wanted to reconcile, but that didn’t stop her. I am sure she still tells people I was an unloving wife in order to justify helping him to tear his family apart.

      • Oh, I bet she figured it was probably bullshit, but didn’t care. She wanted to hurt you and destroy your family. That’s a classic homewrecker. It’s all about winning over another woman for those disordered, female misogynist creeps.

    • Ha ha Amen sister. I would have punched the air were I not sitting on the tube, such displays in London being taken as a concrete sign of madness. This should be preached from a pulpit.

      As for that soggy letter in the Guardian. Someone please just shut her up.

  • OH…MY…GOD! I actually had to get up and take a walk several times while reading her vapid, self-serving, CLUELESS letter! But then I saw the CL’s commentary and laughed my ass off! You absolutely nailed it!

    As typical with every OW/M – they have ZERO CLUES about what actually went on inside of their married partner’s life. NONE. They only know the bullshit sob story told to them. I got a similar message (via social media) about how much “he loves me” and how “he would never leave you or the kids and that just made me love him all the more!” WHAT? What the hell fucking PLANET are you on that he TOLD you he would never have a life with you outside of the 4 corners of your bed and that’s OK with you?

    When I write my book (hahaha!) it’s going to be called “Twist Ties and Rubber Bands – What A Marriage ACTUALLY is!”(and nobody better steal that!) What this bitch had is what my husband’s fuckbuddy had – NOTHING. That wasn’t a life! It was a 5 yr long spring break. All giggles and alcohol and sex. There was no substance, no responsibilities, no day to day nuances of having a relationship and a marriage and a family and a home and a mortgage and bills and a dog and kids who had to be schlepped from one activity to another. It’s twist ties and rubber bands – random shit tossed into a drawer with 1000 other things that you’re responsible for. Excuse me for not giving you the “romantic love you need” while I’m cleaning up throw up at 3 a.m., dealing with a kid with a 103 fever, dealing with your whining over a cold or taking your dog to the vet! Excuse me for not appreciating the mere essence of you and fucking you every which way but Sunday while I’m making a pot roast and buying your entire family’s Christmas gifts. Sorry I got so side tracked by the dog pissing on the rug, while getting 2 degrees, parent-teacher conferences, getting treated for the infections you so lovingly shared that were HERS. Sorry I was busy being a WIFE, working full time to maintain YOUR life. Changing light bulbs, replacing water heaters, getting prices for new siding and a roof, food shopping, dishes, making YOUR fucking lunch! My bad that after all of that, I didn’t want you to fuck me from behind 7 days a week. Sorry for keeping you tethered to a life while you were walking into a Coach store at Christmas and buying TWO bags – one for me and one for your OTHER bag and it doesn’t dawn on you that that is fucked up to the N’th degree. Sorry I didn’t feel like fucking you when you were treating me like a 2nd class citizen, sitting 3 feet from me, texting her in our living room, or out on your parents’ porch during the holidays telling her how much you missed her – then coming back into the house acting like a loving son, uncle, brother, husband and father. MYYYYY BAAAD!! But thank God SHE was there for all your needs and wants! What would you have done without her?!

    Bitter much? Nah. Not ME. I absolutely KNOW that I didn’t do 1 fucking thing wrong. I’m a friggin FANTASTIC mother and wife. What he did – he did because HE doesn’t have any character, integrity, ethics or morals and she’s even worse. So all ya’ll bitches thinking that YOU did something wrong – erase that shit right now.

    • Wahoo!! I’ll take that LeeLee. I’ll also take that him using porn ‘because the wife was too busy with 3 kids under 3yrs old’ and my early menopause actually DID lead to him ‘training myself not to desire you’ which led to the erectile dysfunction which led to the difficult sex life which led to the ILYBIMILWY which led to the desertion for a girl half my age.

      Here’s a quote which I’ve just written into my 2019 diary:

      “This tendency to accept unwarranted blame is NOT a sign of low self-esteem or an unhealthy emotional dependency. In fact, this desire/need is based in a human strength – the perfectly natural tendency of loving individuals to trust the people they care about.”
      Robert Weiss, ‘A better understanding of betrayed spouses’

      Love to Chump Nation X

      • I believe they do it deliberately. They use the porn as a means of devaluing you. They know you can’t possibly measure up. That’s the appeal of porn for a guy who is looking for an excuse to betray and get rid of his wife. The old “it’s her fault because she doesn’t like anal and doesn’t have 32 double F tits” ploy. Sickos, the lot of them.

        • Our very first argument was over porn after I found several videotapes while cleaning house, a few months after the wedding. He knew how much I hated it. I’m not so sure they do it deliberately, but it’s very likely that long-term use leads to capturing their imagination (I think mens’ sexuality is very much based on visuals) and no woman’s vagina can measure up to a good wank especially after several births! During reconciliation I had to vacate the bedroom in the mornings regularly so he could ‘relieve himself’. I put a lot of value on human dignity and the histrionic EA and all this porn nonsense killed much of my respect for him.

          • Mine stated that all porn “artists” loved sex (as you could see from their acting) and I was just frigid. Then one time we were watching a documentary on how they made porn films and it was so sad. One poor young woman was being banged and having to fake it for hours on end because the guys couldn’t finish. She couldn’t walk at the end but she still had to keep faking it. In another scene two people were going at it rapturously when the Twat looked at me and said “look, at least SHE likes sex” when all of a sudden a truck went past and spoiled the sound track. The producer called “cut”, both “actors” said WTF and rolled over swearing until the truck had gone past! Then it was right back to rampant sex! I just looked at the Twat and said “yeah, they’re loving it”!

            • Pffft! Tell him I said he’s a rapey POS. Porn as it exists today is nothing short of the systematic normalization of horrifying sexual abuse and the brutal dehumanization of women. Many of these women are given opioids in order to get through the pain of these awful scenes. Some of them have been trafficked and are threatened into doing it and kept doped up to keep them docile. The watcher can never possibly know who is doing it willingly and who is not. Even the girls who go into it willingly have incredibly high suicide and drug addiction rates. But creepy guys jerking off will justify this blatant abuse to get their sick fix of woman-hating garbage. To such a man, his orgasm is the most important thing in the world, even if these women have to die for it.
              Evil. Pure evil.

          • If he knew you hated it, but kept doing it, it sure as hell is deliberately cruel and it’s a form of emotional abuse. Don’t be snowed by the “men are visually stimulated” excuse so many porn hounds and their enablers use. Today’s porn isn’t about looking at naked ladies, it’s about degrading women. That’s why disordered freaks like it. 88% of hardcore porn scenes involve violence and/or misogynistic verbal abuse. Anal sex is at least as common as vaginal, if not more so. The disgustingly debasing “facial” is standard in most porn. It is always about what men like with no consideration for the woman’s feelings or needs, and what far too many men like is to abuse women, apparently. Of course it spills over into how they treat their mates. Studies have repeatedly shown it leads to less marital satisfaction and less attraction to the mate. It is linked to infidelity. At the extreme end of porn addiction, it can cause total impotence with a partner. I will never date a man who is into porn. If that means I am celibate forever, so be it.

        • I dunno. The porn my guy looked at instead of having sex with me wasn’t anything better than our sex life. The women were generally less attractive, at best equal to me in conventional attractiveness, and they weren’t doing any special taboo sex acts. I think he just chose porn over me because he didn’t want to bother with actually connecting with another person and having an equal exchange. That’s why fucking the loser neighbor came so naturally to him: she was a worthless person whose feelings and opinions he didn’t care about, so having sex with her was like jerking off to a new porn video. It has nothing to do with how attractive or giving we wives are and everything to do with how lazy and pathetic our husbands are.

    • Thank you, thank you, thank you, I could have written every word about me, my marriage to Dickhead and the Dickhead himself.

    • Love your response LeeLee. I’m working on that eraser. He did such a number on me that I blamed myself for everything. Your post nailed my life. No wonder we were so tired. We worked both sides of the marriage then got blamed when it failed to give them the sex/validation that theirvtiny wankers needed.

    • I’ll take Don’t Fuck with LeeLee for $100 Alex! And the Church said, “Amen.”

      Happy New Year Everyone!

        • @LeeLee
          Please submit your post as a response to the OW’s letter to the Guardian.
          Your post is a great response to that ignorant slut.
          Please let us know when you write your book. I will definitely buy it!

    • Love this! When the new, younger wife finds out about all the health problems he’s hiding and the secret cialis Rx that he keeps refilling I wonder if she’ll keep paying the bills for the lifestyle that he could never afford? It’s posts like this that keep me moving forward! Happy New Year Chump Nation. Keep calling out the BS!

    • Great Post. So true. We are great. We did the best. We raised those kids, fixed those light bulbs and fed those lazy sods every flaming day and that still wasn’t good enough cos I didn’t support him enough. Boo boo. Five kids, one dog and an overgrown adolescent. Sod off

    • Same here. I was told I needed to acknowledge my contributions to the breakdown of our marriage. I had zero contributions, zero. I was an awesome wife, better than he deserved and better than he reciprocated.

      • ” I was told I needed to acknowledge my contributions to the breakdown of our marriage.”

        Is that a standard OW line? I head the same crap. And yes, I have my faults but they did not blow up the marriage nor are they excuses for his behavior.

    • @LeeLee;

      AMEN to that sister!!!

      While reading your post I kept thinking, she should send this to him & the ow. Then I remembered that it would be a waste of time. They still wouldn’t get it. They’d only twist it somehow to suit them. That’s too bad because you really rocked your description of reality!

    • LeeLee, excellent post!!! I could have written the exact same thing, but not as well as you did. Ex-cheater said to me after D-day, “You never took good care of me.” This after 20 years of pretty much doing everything except for going to his job for him. At one point I said to him, “You never deserved me. I’m too good for you.” He just looked at me and didn’t respond back. He knows it’s the truth, but he had to devalue me even more and make me question my sanity and the life I lived with him for 20+ years. I WAS an awesome wife and mother! No one can ever take that away from me. NEVER! Rewriting history and lying to so many people does not make the truth go away.

    • BOOM!!! LEE LEE!!! You tell those pieces of shit!!! I could literally hear MODERN LOVE by David Bowie reading that! LOL. Wish my cheating, thieving, lying, using, abusing blah blah blah exwife was 1/16th the woman you were to him.

    • The theme from “Rocky” plays in the background as I read this, crescendo right to the end. Awsum!!!

      Yah, with OW#1 I wrote her a letter and explained that he treats his girlfriend way different than his wife. I listed a few of those mundane activities (called it “stirring the oatmeal”) and told her how I am sure he never has criticized how she made her tea or that she always ordered the #10 for lunch. Those were his gripes for the wife. How I wore my hair, my clothes, all up for his review and approval.

      The OW#1 was quite the bohemian feminist free spirit and I am sure the idea that he would dare criticize her tofu or that she wore the same 3 pairs of cargo pants didn’t even occur to her. I let her know he had already mentioned that about her a few times with disdain when he was in the mention-itis phase before DDay.

      She fled within 24 hours.

      I wish I have never told her about the prize he truly is and let her have the asshat. Have fun with that Schmoops.

    • Might have that inscribed on my headstone but gonna cost with all those well chosen and truthful words.

      I don’t know how we all fail so miserably I keep the romance alive we must be awful people. Because of course they do so much in that regard. The love bombing (of course live on the socials – image management being key) that is going on with his new twue wuv is beyond belief. Imagine me receiving even one tenth of that. Not a chance. Children all of them. Emotionally stunted children.

    • Leelee
      Sounds like we were married to the exact same lying, narcissistic creep. I related to 110% of what you wrote about your X. 1 affair wasn’t enough for my needy manchild, nope, he needed 2 until #1 went batshit and demanded more from him so he was able to conveniently dump her since he had a spare. All the while coming home (late) for his cake.
      Fuck that.
      I’m seeing a lawyer next week to get this year started out right for me and my kids.

    • Gurrrrrrrrlllll!!!!
      You fucking nailed it!!!
      Preach, sister, preach!!!!
      “1000 twist ties and rubber bands”, awesome!!!!

    • The OM in my life knew nothing about me, her fiance, and couldn’t have cared less. All he wanted was the poontang. But, after he knocked her up, and tried to do the “right thing” by marrying her, he ran like a scalded dog when he actually had to start playing house with her. Karma makes one smile now and then.

  • I’m sure my ex husbands deceased whore believed this
    pathetic letter. They have to believe the lies & blame shifting the cheater tells them. So sad ☹️

    My ex is now with another schmoopie who is in her 80’s… thinking she has a “young 71 year old “ prize.
    She’s just another victim.

    I pray I get to meh soon 🙏

  • Barf 🤮

    What absolute self-involved drivel. With the exception of AP’s who have no idea they are, all cheaters and AP’s are the worst toxic individuals out there. They lack logic and reason and their sole purpose is to justify their disgusting actions.

  • Sepsis of the conscience.

    I’m laughing at how he’s not a cheater, but he’s cheating. Where is the Clue-by-Four of life to wallop this ninny (and give her a scorching case of herpes)?

  • Women who think like this and believe the lies just kill me!! And I don’t know which is worse, women like her or the women like my OW who know the H is in a good marriage and he didn’t have to lie! When the OW is your friend and you come back from a romantic 4 day weekend and talking about all the sex and sweet things the H did for you, I would like to see one of those letters! Lol….

  • This letter is not to the wife, it is the asshat married dude. It is the classic Pick Me two-step.

    “See how noble I am? See how altruistic and thoughtful I am? I just want to give you the Twu Wuv you DESERVE. You are such a WONDERFUL man. You don’t want to hurt your children, after all! I can see this all so clearly and I am THERE FOR YOU. I just want to do the Right Thing for All Involved!”

    She is clearly trying to rat out the cheater while painting herself as superior and the better choice. Underneath this pile of shit letter is an angry OW who wants him to just fuck-all dump the family already.

    Pig.

    • This is what Schmoopie did with ex. She “broke up” with him because she cared so much she wanted to give him a chance to reconcile his marriage and save his family. How noble. Then she waited a week or so until she knew he would be desperately missing her and then she would swoop in and make contact again. She did this several times. She would either send him a movie invite or drop by his office at work because she just loved him so much she couldn’t stay away and she just had to comfort poor sad sausage who’s wife was acting all hurt and angry and all and not being understanding of his pain because wife obviously didn’t love him the way Schmoopie did. Either that, or she would manufacture some crisis and call him to come charging to the rescue because she had nobody else to turn to. Ugh! The only thing that makes me madder is that my idiot ex fell for it every damn time and thought she was the one who loved him and he was hurting her and being cruel to her by having the audacity to try and work things out with his wife. A couple of POS’s the both of them.

      • The Twat and his skank had attention/temper spans of about 2 weeks before they would have a hissy fit and he would storm back home “because it’s still my home”. (I made sure he slept in the spare bedroom though). After about 3 days she would start texting/calling him and off he went like the rabid little lapdog that he is. That is until SHE cheated on him a couple of years later and then she was “a skank, a liar, a cheat. How COULD she”! It was quite fun to watch actually!

      • Cheater: She needs me, unlike you! I can’t imagine what she’d do without me!

        Me: She’d do the same thing she would do IF YOU WERE DEAD.

  • The last two years of my marriage were sexless… and that is what he told the final OW that he discarded me to pursue.

    What he failed to tell her was that I had caught him cheating YET AGAIN with hotel room receipts, new online personal ad looking for women/couples/groups… and I refused to have sex with him unless he got a clear blood test result OR he wore a condom (Yes, facepalm here)… and he refused to do either because it would be admitting that he had cheated.

    The irony, of course, is that because I was faithful… I went without sex for two years while trying to save my marriage without risking my health. Whereas, he continued on getting sex wherever he wanted whenever he wanted and just brought his rage and pity channels home to me and the kids every day.

    First thing he did when he moved out to chase the OW openly, yup… he got a blood test. Fuckwit.

    #inconvenienttruth
    #personalitydisorderfor1000Alex

  • “All the time I was fucking your husband, my motive was improving your marriage.”

    Did Diane Keaton’s therapist, from The First Wives’ Club, write this folderol? Cause that’s all who I can picture being the author.

  • What a self absorbed ignorant little bitch who thinks she knows the heart of someone she only knows through the words of a cheating, blame shifting asshole. My ex accused me of not loving him and I have no doubt Schmoopie believed it and probably thinks herself a savior of the poor unloved sad sausage. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. I loved him. He refused to recognize that love because he didn’t want me to love him. He was 100% responsible for manufacturing those feelings of being unloved in his own mind. I weep for the wife in this letter who has no idea that this slut has invaded her marriage and probably has no idea that she doesn’t love her husband. This one really got to me because I feel it could have been written by Schmoopie. I don’t know if she really believes that or not, but she would say so anyway to make herself not look like the selfish, self centered slut that she is.

  • People are weird. Always justifying themselves. If you have to write a long ass letter about how you weren’t wrong, you probably were 50 shades of stupid. You got played honey, welcome to life.

  • The saddest part of this tale is that some poor chump is apparently still stuck with the “prize” described by the witless author of the letter.

    • Who probably has no idea why her husband is being such a jerk to her and thinking that they are just going through rough patch because he is stressed over work or something. She is probably trying desperately to figure out how to keep him happy but no matter what she does it’s wrong. She is probably and awesome wife who thinks she is a failure but keeps doing her best to hold the family together and be adequate enough for him. Meanwhile she is probably retreating and not giving him much attention because she is afraid to be near him because he is so prickly all of the time but she will still make love to him when he initiates because it is the only time he is showing her any affection or giving her any positive attention at all. She probably thinks that means he still cares and that things will get better when whatever is bothering him at work clears up and he is generally happy with his life again, but that sure is taking a long time and he never really seems to be happy at all. After DDay she will wonder if maybe it was her and he finally just got tired of all of her inadequacies. I hope she finds chump nation when that happens.

      • My life Chumpinrecovery. I feel so sad some days for that poor sad earnest person I was. I tried hard because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. He had no intention of ever being faithful. It’s hard to build a working strategy on lies. I hope he rots in hell.

        • I say the same thing about the Dickhead. It’s hard to make a marriage work when you don’t even try to make your wife or your marriage a priority. He can rot in hell along with yours.

      • This is my story as well. I tried so hard to make him happy, wondered what was wrong with ME, instead of realizing the truth of why he was so”stressed.”

      • Yep that was me!! Just found chump nation 6 months ago. Thank goodness….it has literally saved me. Ex was always stressed tried for 25 years to keep the family together. Thought I was the good wife, but he just wanted to be happy! I am praying his dick falls off

        • Oh the stress
          How many times I heard “ it’s nothing else but you creating stress environment for me with your complains, demands, arguments; I had no issue with other people, just with you”

          Well, honey- I’m the only one knowing what you were doing in your spare time, how much pain you caused your family, how many hookers, illegal acts were present while posing as a family man. Try to share all that with everyone and see what happens”

          🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮delusion

          Apparently people would be perfectly fine with betrayal, risking their life, lies- all for the sake of H banging prostitutes.
          Right🤮

      • I could have written this too. 🙁 The first time he treated me like crap was way back in 1992. We weren’t even engaged yet. OVERNIGHT he turned into a different person. I had no clue what was going on and why my once very loving boyfriend was mean and cold towards me. Now I know this is how cheaters get when they meet a new “love of their life/soulmate”. I thought I did something wrong or wasn’t “good enough”. The first devalue, followed by the second devalue/almost discard in 1999 when I was pregnant with our second child — this had be walking on eggshells, doing the Pick Me Dance and working hard to be the best wife and mom I could be in order to keep him happy and not devalue/discard me again. It took the final discard and finding Chump Lady to realize and learn that he was the problem all along. I was trying to make a marriage work with a character disordered person.

  • Christ, it’s like she’s Kate Bush singing that Wuthering Heights song and doing the weird ghost dance, but it’s about her married boyfriend and his wife.

  • And yet despite this frigid wife’s faults, he still hasn’t left her for the OW. It makes you think. Could it be that he just wants some side action??? Nooo of course not.

  • Entitlement, thy name is OW.

    Wow…just…the smug presumptuousness oozes through this letter. Usually it takes a few paragraphs of word salad to get to it but damn, this one dives in right at the beginning with the “well don’t you think he’d have been faithful if you’d been a better wife? Why stay when you clearly don’t love him? You must go, go so the poor sap can be freed from your spreadsheets and she can spread on his sheets!”

    Yes, yes…sure, honey, tell yourself you’re speshul and the wife only stays because it’s all for appearances and not because he’s a liar. Surely he’d NEVER lie to you…

    I confess, I didn’t even finish reading the whole thing. I got about as far as “why stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of appearances?” Didn’t need to read any further to know where that shit was going. …I don’t know how I even got that far. -_-

  • Read “I’ll never give up my married man” on the express website. The wife was so distressed she was threatening suicide. The mistresses reaction is she should have kept him happy.

    • I’ve been reading up on the Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer triangle (below). OW/OM fancy themselves the Rescuers of the poor Victim spouse whose Wife/Husband-is-not-meeting-their-needs. In the case you mention, OW then moseyed on over to Persecutor (whose crappy actions are always justified: “Wife should have kept him happy.”)

      The only way to win is to get off the Triangle.

      https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/

      longer article on it: https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

      • I have no doubt that how this how Dickhead played his cheating and need to leave the sexless unhappy marriage. He’ always a victim – his friendship, work, first divorce, now second divorce – she got to save him from crappy little me, the wife who did everything for him, the wife who bought his favorite hot potato chips, the wife who lovingly rubbed his head and back at night so he could go to sleep, the wife who took care of him and got shit back in return. Yeah, he’s such a victim. They can all go to hell. I took myself out of that triangle back in September. He can use his first wife to triangulate with her, and oh, let’s not forget his sinister sister. He will always have her as a back-up. I’m outta here.

      • @Tempest; Thanks for sharing that article. It makes a lot of good points & is thought provoking. It made it obvious to me how I was the Rescuer for years while he was the Victim. When I became the Victim (health issues followed by disability), I expected him to become my Rescuer. Instead, he became a secretive Persecutor (covert narc) leaving me confused & feeling more Victimized. After he walked out for ow, he immediately became an outright nasty Persecutor of me. That left me even more confused & Victimized. I then would often become the Persecutor myself, in an attempt to defend. I didn’t have CN then but realize now I should of/could of just got out of the triangle years sooner.

        What I don’t quite get is, what if I remain stuck in the Victim role, even without the triangle (NC 1 year now)? How do I get out of that to gain a life?

        • It’s like I continue to cycle between being the Victim or the Persecutor in my own head. I don’t know why I can’t seem to become the Rescuer of MYSELF.

          • You have to get off the merry-go-round. Dr. Karpman wrote a book about games people play, recognizing them and escaping them.

  • I can look back now at my periodic cheater spouse and see his patterns. Usually some big change in his job or life. It was like I was a starter wife for thirty years. Always looking for something better while I was the ace he kept tucked away In Ignorance just in case ow didn’t work out – like finding out she was using him to make other guy pony up. Or for his (our) money. Or she saw him for that he was. Or he thought you gave him hepatitis. (You should have seen his face). Turns out I knew several of them. But while he was ‘in love’ snd Schtooping them, he was treating me like crap, ignoring me or picking fights so he could take off. Oh and I was rejected for sex because he was angry with me. I also wasn’t being a good wife. He was tired of my cooking. He wanted ‘different’. So yeah. One of you finally got him and him leaving was my fault. And you told everyone where you both worked that nothing happened til he dumped me but I know all those times he was gone and left me home alone with the kids and house and dog. Oh and when I was home alone after major surgery. Yeah. It was me not you. So you got him. And after the initial grief and then no contact, my life is just so much lighter and brighter. Living without that black cloud is like coming home to the promised land. I got my half of the assets and I can do as I please. And from afar I get to laugh at how you keep him whipped. Love it! Carry on!

    • After my oldest son’s marriage my youngest son comment how pussy-whipped his dad was, how she kept him on a short leash, and oldest son just laughed! Ah that felt so good I can tell you. The Twat was looking for a fight one time so decided to complain about my cooking. I love cooking and I’m good at it but one time he was “just sick to death of the same old filler – potatoes, rice, pasta, couscous! Why can’t you cook like my mom did?” (Yeah, as if pap would have tried half the stuff I cooked). So I just told him to name one, just one “fucking filler that would shut that big gob of his and I would fly to fuckin’ Pittsburgh and get it for him”! That shut his cakehole for a while. He had to think of another way to pick an argument so he could storm off but that tiny little brain of his couldn’t function that fast so he had to stay (that time anyway)! Yuck!

  • This letter confirms something I’ve felt for a long time: that the OW is not only after her affair partner, she’s also after feeling superior to another woman, and the self-righteous “high” of “knowing more” about the cheater’s marriage than the wife does herself. In every case, I see that the OW studies the wife or full-time partner carefully. I adore your depiction of her as a stalker-ghost, Chump Lady. This does not get talked about enough.

    • “she’s also after feeling superior to another woman”

      – Thank you for saying this. It has been a hard thing for me to wrap my head around, that someone who is “better” than me (according to worldly standards) would stoop so low as to co-conspire with a douchey old man to destroy a 20 year marriage and emotionally murder another woman and innocent children just for the hell of it. I mean, this woman was in her 20s, a bikini fitness model(!!), intentionally childless and living a party lifestyle with her newlywed (and hot) firefighter husband. Why would she want to have an affair with MY 40-something, boring as all get out, average-looking in every way, dad-bod husband?

      The answer is that it wasn’t ever about him. In fact, I’ll never forget the look on cheater’s face when he learned that he was just one of her MANY man-whores. 🤣 Nope, she had an affair with him and all the others because it made her feel special and superior to these men’s WIVES. Me included. I didn’t understand that, though, until my therapist broke it down for me.

      She clearly has Histrionic Personality Disorder. She has zero friends, although she considers the guys who are “friendly” to her to be close friendships (they of course, only hope to get “close” to her.) Most men, and all women, actually can’t stand her and her loud/provocative theatrics. And so being in a male-dominated career (military), she earns her social currency by trash talking and putting down other women. It’s so weird how I wasted a ton of time after D-day feeling jealous and insecure of her, only to realize that ***HER insecurity and jealousy of other women*** was what actually drove her to screw married men.

      It doesn’t get talked about enough. It’s much easier for people to assume she was getting something else out of the affair, like if my husband had been rich, there would have been some justification. It’s also more convenient for people to assume that because she met the world’s standards of youth/beauty that she would never have any reason to be jealous of another (especially an older) woman. But for many OW, this unhealthy boost in self-esteem of knowing they took down another woman is all the justification they need for an affair.

    • In my case, OW did stalk me at least once that I know of. Stupid narc slut was reliving an old family drama where her dad was miserable with her mom. She cast me as mean mommy because The Asshole lied and said I didn’t love him and started a lot of fights. In fact, it was he who started the fights to try to justify his cheating. The crazy OW is so disordered and promiscuous that I suspect her dad may have molested her. At the very least, it sounds like there was emotional incest going on.
      These people are poison.

    • Nope. This is not accurate in every situation. Sometimes the OW falls in love with the married man who pursues her just like his wife did before she married him. It has absolutely nothing to do with a boost in self-esteem and nothing to do with the wife. The husband typically makes the first move and relentlessly pursues the OW, telling her his marriage is over, that he’s working on a divorce, and makes the OW believe she is the love of his life. He tells the OW he settled for his first wife and found true love in the OW. The OW tells him it’s bs and to go figure it out with his wife and then once the divorce is final, to come find her BUT he doesn’t give up and pursues her until she finally gives in.
      That’s my story. I’ve only been with my married man (I was a 30 year old virgin when we met). I will always be faithful to him but yes, he still sleeps with his wife and stays because of his kids. It’s been 15 years and I love him. He’s the love of my life and always will be. About 10 years ago, I tried to tell his wife about him and I. His wife hung up the phone when I tried talking to her, so she made the choice to not believe her husband cheats. He told her that he had no idea who I was. If she really loved him, she wouldn’t have believed him, and would have learned the truth.

      • Oh hell no. Get the fuck off this website, you horrible excuse for a human being. All you’ve done is further solidify the minds of faithful spouses toward the idea that you whores may have different motives, but you are still all alike – entitled bitches with a (rightfully earned) inferiority complex.

      • Ok let’s turn this around. Let’s forget for a moment that you are interfering in somebody else’s relationship whether you recognize that fact or not. Why are you willing to settle for being a side fuck? Why are you letting him use you this way? Why do you love someone who is so selfish and willing to lie to his wife and string you along at the same time? Why are you ok with that? Why do you think someone like that is worth loving? Whatever he told you, his wife probably does love him and is devoted to him and has no idea why he is treating her so badly. Why would you want a man who would do that to his wife? Get out of that relationship, go no contact and regain your dignity. He isn’t worth the trouble and nobody is going to feel sorry for you if he dumps your ass because you are unstable and become a risk to his maintenance of cake.

      • “The OW tells him it’s bs and to go figure it out with his wife and then once the divorce is final, to come find her BUT he doesn’t give up and pursues her until she finally gives in.”

        Hahahahaha – weak, stupid AND a smug sanctimonious bitch. You deserve him. If you were an honorable person, you wouldn’t have been swayed by a liar or fucking him.

      • Hey Julie K., why do you read here? Are you a troll? Are you trying to learn more about the nature of cheating? I feel like if you were truly settled in your situation, you wouldn’t seek out (let alone comment on!) a website like this.

        If you have a conscience and a brain, you know on some level that the situation you are in is morally wrong and full of bullshit and lies. Too bad you are not strong enough to see the harm you are doing to others.

        You are not, and never will be, the victim. No sympathy for you.

      • A 30-year old virgin who tolerates the next 15 years of sneaking around with a lover who finds you too embarrassing to acknowledge your existence … yeah, you clearly won a prize. Don’t kid yourself, honey, you sound like a loser.

      • Julie, your mistake here is ‘If she really loved him she wouldn’t believe him’. In fact the opposite is true. We believe our spouses because we trust them, and we trust them because we love them. On the other hand, you know your lover to be a man capable of long-term deception and manipulation. Why do you love him?

        • And, if you love him, by your own logic, why do YOU believe him when he makes excuses for why he can’t leave his family? How do you know it’s really because of the kids? Maybe it’s to preserve his reputation, because he’s a moral coward and can’t tell his wife, because he’s too lazy to start over, too avaricious to risk divorce. Respect yourself Julie and quit, before its too late for you to find a real, devoted, reciprocal relationship.

      • Complete bullshit. Unless he raped you, you willing slept with him. His wife didn’t ask for this and was given no choice. You had a choice and decided that you were entitled. That makes you incredibly selfish. End of story.

      • “He told her that he had no idea who I was. If she really loved him, she wouldn’t have believed him, and would have learned the truth.”

        Wow, 15 years with this douche who enjoys a side dish fuck and when you called his wife this is what he did? There’s some twu wuv right there. So maybe some OW aren’t even bright enough to ghost the wife. They are just dumb enough to take the cheaters words at face value!!

        I really can’t believe an OW is this dimwitted and actually posted here. Is there a chump playing games? Like throwing raw meat in the lion’s cage?

      • JulieK – I knew someone in your position. She too loved her married ‘boyfriend’ and like you, sat on the sidelines for years. He told her all the same things you say your ‘boyfriend’ has told you, and she believed him. Just as we chumps have believed our husbands. Because they are very convincing liars. After 20 years, she was given a serious cancer diagnosis which eventually became terminal. And her ‘boyfriend’ of 20 years? Did he leave his wife? Did he spend more time with her to support her? Did his wife find out because he was unable to hide the fear and heartbreak he felt about the possibility of losing his ‘girlfriend’ of 20 years? Brace yourself JulieK, this is not pretty. He left her. Alone to go through her cancer treatment. And after 20 years (your life may be similar) she had few friends because building her life around a man who was married to someone else for that long meant that she had missed out on the life experiences that normally build and maintain friendships and family relationships. She was virtually alone. She loved and trusted him, he had the power to make her day or ruin it. But when she ceased to be of use, she meant literally nothing to him. He dumped her almost immediately and took up with a younger model. Never left his wife even though the children are now grown up. The ‘other woman’ runs just as much of a risk of being chumped as the wife by a man who is willing to cheat. A man who is truly willing to stay married ‘for the sake of the kids’ doesn’t risk blowing their children’s lives up in this way. Please, for your own sake, take a good look at what your life has become and what it will become when he dumps you. Surely you’re worth more than that? And if you think he wouldn’t leave you in your hour of need because he’s such a lovely man? Please bear in mind that this site is packed to the edges with women who really believed that of their husbands. I realise a lot of people on here will be very angry about your letter and thoughts, but I’ve reached a point where I feel really sorry for someone in your position. I think you’re being chumped just as much as we all were, but in some ways your position is worse, because you’re in a position that compromises your own personal values and integrity and that’s something that you’ll have to come to terms with when it’s all over. And it will be JulieK, he would have left his wife by now if he was ever going to. You are in a position that makes you easily disposable, and there’s a reason for that. The other woman’ I mentioned earlier died alone, her last months completely heartbroken. He never ever even enquired about her health or wellbeing. She died 5years ago and I’m not sure he even knows. And she believed everything you do. Believe this, someone who is willing to lie to their wife and the mother of their children will be willing to lie to the woman they’re trying to maintain on the side. You’re worth more than this half life. You’ve only got one life – fill it with decent people who will enhance your life. You’ll be happier and less alone in the long term.

      • “If she really loved him she wouldn’t have believed him and would have learned the truth”
        Really makes no sense at all.
        He’s really got your brain in a fog.

        • What she means is ‘If she really loved him she’d be terrified of him cheating and consumed with suspicion because of her overwhelming, uncontrollable and boundary-less need for him’. IMO, that’s projection plus a very immature understanding of love.

      • I think you two are soulmates and perfect for each other. But fifteen years? It looks like he doesn’t think you’re wonderful enough to leave his wife for. Maybe try honing your BJ skills or camping on his front lawn.

        My only gripe is that people like him don’t stick with the level they belong with.

        And if you get tired of waiting, Scott Peterson is on Death Row in San Quentin and accepting marriage proposals. You seem
        like a good match.

        Scott Peterson
        San Quentin State Prison
        San Quentin, CA 94974

        • …and when you don’t care if your actions hurt another person, especially like this hurts, that actually makes YOU the cold, uncaring person you are telling yourself his wife is.

          Scott would be happy to hear from you.

    • Yes!!! I truly believe OWife thinks she won the grand prize with exh2 The Evil One. She wouldn’t dare even look at me when she was brought along to DD exchanges, stared straight ahead in his truck. It took a couple of years before she actually spoke.
      She would post pictures of them in the early days with captions like, “that’s one beautiful couple” gag
      Don’t worry, it’s been a few years since I have pain shopped, and none of my circle give two fucks about them either so I don’t have to worry about flying monkeys.

  • I’m thinking the ow in the guardian letter was a bit psycho and he had to get rid of her before she wrecked his little shell game.

  • OMG. These delusional, self-absorbed, patronizing letters from OW make me homicidal. Gussying up their immorality with logorrhea is unnecessary; stay under a rock where they belong.

    I know Hannibal Lecher conveyed the same sentiments to his many APs that the letter-writer’s cheater has fed her–

    1-barren, sexless marriage. Nope, he was having sex with me 3-4 times a week while embroiled in his affair, because he knew I’d suspect him of something if his sex drive suddenly appeared to diminish.
    #tiredHannibal
    And the number of chumps who have caught STDs from their cheater would seem to suggest cheaters are not always in sexless marriages (or if they are, they are the ones withholding).

    2-“But your love for him dried up many years ago.” Well, hot diggity, OW! Thanks for letting us know what we are feeling! Fucking psychic, aren’t you? I guess all the quotidian things we chumps did to make our cheaters’ lives more fulfilling was some evil strategy to keep them hooked, rather than actual affection on our parts. And those Valentines Day sentiments we wrote? Psshaw, of course we never meant them. #waystojustifymyaffairwithaMarriedman/woman

    3-“If he were loved, would he have been actively seeking me?” Well, yes, honey, because there were others before you, and as soon as you’re out of the picture, there will be a few more. Everyone raise your hands if you had a serial cheater! Woohoo!

    4-“Make yours a marriage more than in name only.” I got nothing for this drivel. Cue hatchet emoji.

  • Its crazy the way these cheaters and ow think. I had an arguement with my cheater last night and she told me that im married to my job. I work too much and the ow makes her feel good about herself. But she has had no trouble spending the money i make working 50 hours a week. And for comparison the whole 15 years we have been married she has woekwd the night shift. I have never used that as an excuse to cheat on her. And guess what ms. Ow doeant make enough to support herself so guess who constantly helps her out. I have just been doing the boring work all along. I feel like such a fool. But i have still made time for sex several times a week. I used to enjoy it but my wife has become incrrasingly selfish in bed. I guess its just a reflection on the rest of her life.

    • Yes, these cheaters are extremely selfish and self centered people. They twist every scenario and event to make themselves the hero, and us the horrible rotten person.

      I spoke to a sibling today, one who is whacko. She claims that she ate dinner at our grandparents almost every night growing up. Well, the truth is that we ate a full dinner at 6 pm every night, cooked and served by our mother. Point being that freaky people will re-write history to suit themselves and their agendas. They just totally make shit up! It is like living in Bizarro World.

    • It sounds like it is time for her to become your ex wife. Then she can try to support herself and ow. Let’s see how good she’ll feel then.

    • @Lesbian chump , how about telling your cheater that SHE was married to HER job, since she never left the night shift to get some day work so she could spend her evenings with YOU? Total blame-shifting. The knots they tie themselves in to make themselves feel better. Hugs to you LC

    • “Married to your job”

      God forbid you have a work ethic and bust your ass to provide for your family.

      Cheaters don’t understand discipline and will criticize you for not entertaining them 24/7 … but they’ll have no problem spending the money you bring home, of course.

  • My ex had told the OW that I wanted out of the marriage, that I did horrible things to him, but he was hanging on for the kid’s sake.

    These women believe any shit that makes them not feel like the scum they really are.

  • It is amazing how my cousin believed all the shit he fed her. I guess in her mind she had t believe that I was a horrible person. Who was nasty to him and stole money from him. Because if I was not the horrible bitch I was betrayed as. It made her the POS she was. Who screws around with their cousins husband? I also suspect that she was counting on the cash payout he would get. My loss her gain. Skankella was telling everyone she could that I was a nut job and I couldn’t keep a job. That the only reason my husband stayed with me for 34 years was he felt sorry for me. But, what she did not know I made a lot more money than the cheater. I paid all the bills while he ran around playing pool 4 nights a week. These OW know they are scum. They just have to try to justify why they chose to be the OW.

  • It is amazing that affair partners still try to justify the affair on any basis. TV, movies, books, real life experience — all these sources show endless examples of the reality of cheating. It is not joyfully exuberant to catch a std, or find out you are raising someone else’s child. How can any adult not understand that past decisions and actions are the best predictor of future decisions and actions. Even teenagers are capable of figuring that out. Even if there is a cheater who experiences remorse and regret, how can he/she believe it is in the partner’s best interest to resume the relationship ? When someone who is supposed to be in a committed relationship arbitrarily decides to step out of the bounds of that relationship, it is irretrievably changed forever. Maybe there could be a lesson learned, maybe the person decides to change, and actually does the tough work needed to accomplish that change. I would not bet my life on those odds. Sure, everyone can make mistakes, but the consequences and the mistakes are not all created equally. If you knowingly cheat with a cheater, you cheat yourself out of the chance of ever having a clean slate. No one is special enough to ever change that. Sorry, but NOT sorry for the pain that those who choose to cheat experience. They walk into the fire with open eyes, while the unknowing partner gets burned by a devastating surprise fireball dropped on them with no warning, Don’t believe the lie of living in a loveless marriage — if you are in one of those, get out. Don’t cheat first, don’t pass go, don’t try to collect sympathy. Just get out as fast as you can. Possessions are never as important as your life and soul.

  • Couldn’t finish reading this.

    Holy crap, what a fucking sociopath. Normal people don’t want to be involved in love triangles.

  • I think the OW was hoping that the letter would cause the Chump to leave the Cheater so as to remove that obstacle to her happiness called his marriage. Then OW could claim (bless her heart) that her intentions were pure. After all, she just wanted her married lover to be happy, and called off the affair immediately before informing married lover’s chumpy wife of her existence along with a raft of blame.

  • I must send my runaways OW text message to me for Chump Lady to dissect. It is a load of drivel as well. She only sent it after I phone her and messaged her for a response. Pieces of poo these people.

  • There’s power in finding ones voice once clarity sets in. What I’m most naive about still is how another human being can willfully harm another and justify their behavior.

    Under what circumstances with good conscience would victimizing and attempting to humiliate an innocent spouse and children be acceptable?

    I’ve bought into the best revenge is living better. Yet, there’s this lingering sadness knowing others enjoy harming, delighting even in the retelling, name calling and overall character assassination of someone they’ve deemed deserving of abuse.

    .

  • “you must have once had a real marriage”

    Reply to ow:
    “Well yes, actually we did, er, I thought we did, apparently he didn’t think so. But, here he is all connected up with a Ann Landers, whom I thought had died. Nope, you are her, reincarnated. So much wisdom and advise spealing out of your wondrous mouth.
    Well, my advice to you is Go.Fuck.Yourself. Which, if you had done in the first place we might not be in this predicament.
    Oh, well,off you go, there are plenty more married men out there just waiting for your tru wuv.”

    There, that felt better,
    Stupid bitch!

  • Dear chump nation,
    I broke the cardinal rule and tried to be civil with my chumps Chester for the sake of the kids and now it is rumored that she is cheating again. I am pissed! Wait for confirmation or cut her off?

  • Good one!!!!

    (Here as Sarah the Chump.) That UBT was EPIC.

    Please humor me because I have rewritten the OW’s letter to reflect reality. Of course, she doesn’t live in reality. She lives deep inside a sketchy hole created by a honey-badger, which the honey-badger has since vacated because even the bad-ass honey-badger does not want to be near the OW.

    The OW is using two mechanisms: classic projection and perpetual, dreary victimhood. So, the OW cannot possibly write from a place that even closely resembles the truth. I wrote my take on how the letter would look IF the OW had insight into herself, her actions, her destruction of other’s lives, et al.

    Here is how it would look if she told the truth and didn’t interfere with other people’s marriages. But, if she didn’t do that, this horrid letter she wrote to The Guardian would not have been born.

    So here I present what the OW really means, but refuses to write. (Please note that I am relying HEAVILY on satire, snark and irony. In real life, I DO NOT wish ill on this person. But, this letter was just too tempting to rewrite as satire… the lure of satire got the best of me.)

    *****

    “Dear Frigid Wife,

    You (wife) don’t know I exist, which is more than can be said about you because you don’t get it. You share his name, his child, his home and his public life… and I am seething with jealousy over the shared name and the home part. And you can have the rest because it is boring.

    But, I am special, I know something you don’t know.

    I share sexual, stolen moments with your husband. In my own sick way, the prospect of destroying another woman’s life while she has no clue gives me an adrenaline surge. I thrive on drama.

    Also, I know something else you don’t know.

    You have no clue about him like I do: he and I share dirty thoughts, I know his dreams and his feelings better than you; and I know all the deception that’s inside him. I am not that interested in his external life because that’s no fun.

    And I am fun. I prefer sneaking around in trench coats while wearing lingerie. I am cool like that; you are not.

    You have a marriage of more than 20 years and I don’t. I am resentful because you have what I don’t have.

    But, nana nana boo boo. I still know something you don’t know.

    Since I can’t have it, you cannot either. I want to be like you, but I can’t. I am going to tell myself a story where you (wife) are the bad person in this scenario.

    I am going to tell myself that your love for him dried up many years ago and that he deserves love. I am the only one who is possible of loving him and appreciating him, you know. Also, he told me he loves me more than he could ever love you. I remember that day like it was yesterday: my mouth was open and he was pushing my head down onto his lap while we were in your family mini-van. He yelled in a moment of passion, “Oh yes, I love your mouth just like that! Yes, yes! I love you like that!” That was the day he told me he loved me — that it was true love — and it was a day I will never forget.

    You are happy in the life you have carved out for yourself and I want that life (sort of) as long as it’s not boring. I don’t like having to deal with kids. They are so “germy” and I would certainly hire a nanny.

    Wife, can I mention again that you are really just a frigid maid who doesn’t love him like I do. No one can love him like I do, especially not you. Nope, you are such a terrible wife that even after twenty years, you cannot figure out how to love him.

    Since you don’t know how to keep your man at home, he had to seek me. You made him do that, you know. And very fortunately my legs were also “ajar” at the time.

    Wife, I blame you because you don’t keep your legs ajar at all times or wear underwear without a crotch. You need to leave your marriage so that we can live happily ever after. I told you already your is a marriage only for the sake of appearances, so please put your things in the box “to the left.”

    I ended it today because I am not winning the war against you and I am angry. He was supposed to leave you and you were supposed to put your things in “the box to the left.” Isn’t that what Beyonce’s song was about? The wife needs to put her things in the box “to the left?” Or was it the other way around… my memory fails me.

    But, you foiled my plans.

    So, I hatched a different plan.

    I left him, wrote a weepy piece for The Guardian, and I am sure he is going to chase me now… every man wants to be with a woman who tells her sordid tale of adultery to The Guardian. Men like brains and beauty, you know.

    But, alas, it cannot happen. He is a very noble man who doesn’t want to hurt his germy child– the poor dear — who I would like to have the nanny raise.

    I am going to believe him because I don’t want to believe I was a just side piece.

    We kept trying to figure out how we could work this out without hurting his child. Hurting you is fine, but don’t hurt the child– that is the nanny’s job. And I don’t want that karma on me.

    It pained me to see that I could NOT bring his life crumbling down by offering stand-up sex in an alley using an industrial garbage can for balance. I saw no way to go on; do you know how hard it is to balance against an industrial garbage can while wearing 6 inch heels? Me neither.

    Nor did he; the damn 6 inch heels and garbage cans in alleys finally got between us and our fate was sealed. In the end, neither of us could figure out alley sex.

    But, he was so noble because his child’s hurt was unbearable to him, or so I will believe because it shows it was not about me, it was about his child, and that makes us star-crossed lovers. And don’t star-crossed lovers poison themselves? Or do they drink wine and take a truckload of Vicodin? My Shakespeare is fuzzy.

    Why won’t he give me the love I need?

    Why won’t he give me the companionship and care that comes of actually loving someone?

    Wife, will you just leave already?

    Your marriage is a sham.

    Wife, I am truly not asking you to set him free — I am just asking you to pack up get the hell out of the house.

    I have started to carry my overnight suitcase wherever I go so that I am ready whenever he calls. Also, I am watching your house with binoculars so I can see “my precious” at all times.

    You (wife) need to understand you have almost always had a marriage in name only. And deep down I know you had a real marriage before I came along. But, I can’t admit that I am a home-wrecker.

    However, I can no longer be happy with the trimmings; I want the essence. Deep down I know you have a real marriage and I am angry.

    ‘I thought stealing a Burberry trench coat and having alley sex would make him leave you. But it did not.

    I have every right to say everything I feel. And that is why I wrote The Guardian. Of course, I know only one side of the story… the one I concocted in my head.

    Do you remember how Mr. Rodgers always showed us the Land of Make Believe and took us there in the cute, red trolley? (Ding, ding!)

    Well, I have my own Land of Make Believe. In that land, you are a cold wife– a real villain of a wife; and he won’t let me save him from you. The man I know would have chosen you, but you are obviously “love impaired.” You don’t know how to love him like I do… in the dark, rainy alleyways while waiting for the 9:15 underground train.

    The idiot is still choosing you because he feels duty bound. He needs to be duty bound to me. You are worthless and he is noble because he is not leaving you, even though he told me how you starved him of romantic love and care. He also told me that you make him very sad: unlike me, you don’t do countertops. Well, I do. And I also do washing machines and also anything goes in the back seat of a car. But, you didn’t do those things; you starved him of having sex in alleyways. How could you do that?

    I don’t understand why he is choosing such a loser.

    When did his love for me die and why? Why is he distancing himself from me?

    From all I know of your man, he would NEVER have strayed if he were married to me. He is just not the type to have affairs. But, then you came along and married him- and you caused him to have an affair.

    But, there was one stormy night where he found true love. Your absolute evil frigidness and your inferiority to me, all collided while my legs that were ajar; then it all came together: our love was born.

    You are the villain of this story because you made him cheat on you.

    Even as the girlfriend of a married man, who couldn’t share what we had in public, or dare to demand proof of his fidelity, he still went the extra mile to ensure I felt secure… even though I actually always felt insecure. He didn’t want to let on that I was just a sidepiece; and he really tried.

    Then I suspected he was just riding this train for as long as he could and that he won’t ever leave you, so I left him to punish him. And then I called The Guardian to tell the world about our love.

    That didn’t seem to work, why isn’t he answering my calls, damnit?

    Now I am going to take Vicodin, drink Strawberry Hill and listen to this super creepy song. Wife, you are the villain in this video:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPcnku3dPR0

    With Deepest Concern from the Land of Make Believe,

    Your Husband’s (Delusional) Soulmate

    *****

    Okay, thank you for humoring me. I truly don’t wish this lady ill will.

    But her letter is just too over-the-top. And I am sure the woman who helped chump me (helped along with my ex) would have written a drunk version of this letter. But, she “won” and now she gets to be married to a cheater. I am pretty sure she sleeps well at night because there is nothing that makes you feel more secure than marrying a man who you poached and who was easily poachable. Yup, that is such a stable foundation to build a marriage on. (sarcasm)

    By the way, I hope I did not offend anyone… rewriting that letter served as catharsis for me. I hope someone laughed. Because there was definitely snark in there.

    • Omg I laughed. My ow actually sent me a Christmas present and came clean in the card that came with it. I feel like this is the letter that should have been in the card.

      • Hi Lesbian Chump,
        So glad you got a laugh!

        But so sorry you got a Christmas card from OW. And so sorry you got chumped.

        It hurts like hell.

        But, why does the Christmas card part NOT surprise me? Nothing is sacred to homewreckers.

        There is a couple at my husband’s work that everyone gossips about constantly. The woman (of lower rank) targeted the higher ranking married man openly. She seriously told the others she would break up the guy’s marriage and when she was successful, she would get divorced from her husband. She broke up his marriage and got divorced. Then they got married. I was so glad when we were on vacation when they did. But photos of the wedding indicate the “ho new wife” wore a see through wedding dress that had a slit up each side. (There were MANY children involved on both sides.) The married guy who fell for the (married homewrecker) is truly one of the most GULLIBLE people I have EVER encountered. He is more gullible than Gilligan on Gilligan’s Island. (Only Gilligan was nice.)

        Anyhow, the two adulterers got married and this is their first Christmas together. And I kept thinking will the “ho new wife” (sounds like whole new wife) send a “holiday card” to the ex-wife (who was truly blinded by this whole ordeal.)? I wondered if gullible male cheater would force his early 20-something children to send “holiday gifts” to their “ho new mom.” And if they didn’t send gifts, I wondered if the “ho new mom” would go on strike in the bedroom. Now that she is a “ho new wife” with a “ho new life,” she can put her feet up on the sofa and mention her life-long migraine disorder with which she was just diagnosed. (Wink, wink).

        Lesbian Chump, I want to hear your story. What on earth could the OW say in a Christmas card and why?

        The last time I checked the Miss Manner’s books, Christmas cards involved stars, trees, wholesome, snow-covered New England villages, and manger scenes. They involved rhyming poetry written by the staff of Hallmark and the etiquette around them involved sending goodwill. The last time I checked, they were certainly NOT the mannerly way to disclose an affair.

        Has Miss Manners gone rogue?

        Or is this just something the other woman does? (I am thinking there is probably an evil version of Miss Manners who doles out advice on upside down etiquette for breaking up marriages.)

        Did the other woman sayin her card… “Merry Christmas! I am giving you the gift of telling you that you were right about the affair… because I am the other woman! I am the best card giver ever, am I right? PS- I may or may not have used your lipstick, deodorant, panties, razor, and other special things to you… maybe launder them or throw them out? I just needed to come clean. Whew. I feel better. How ‘bout you? Merry Christmas again!”

        So is that what she said? (Of course my speculation on Miss Manners and the contents of the card was written satirically).

        Because the minds of these folks just don’t work like us moral folk.

        I am truly sorry though. Betrayal is just terrible and I hope you are able to find a new and loyal partner soonest.

        Sarah

        PS- There is a video by the Key of Awesome. It’s a Taylor Swift parody, and it reminds me of how these folks think. The parody involves a girl who believes she went out with a guy (but the guy doesn’t even know her) and she is stalking him because she is delusional.

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UGOtPBka3J8

      • OW came clean in a Christmas Card to you???
        OMG – that’s disordered right there!
        Hope No Contact is your New Years resolution and by next Christmas you have left these losers a long ways behind you.

  • OK then!
    I spoke with two OWs that came out after they were dumped not long after D-Day while we were in what I thought was wreckonciliation. I also spoke with a friend of mine after Ow3’s (now OWife) own mother contacted my friend to get the truth about me. These are the things exh2 told about me:
    I sat around on the couch playing Candy crush and pet rescue and did NOTHING around the house— lie. Even when he was unemployed, I still did all the housework, cooking, laundry, and worked full-time
    I was a neglectful and absent mother to our autistic daughter— lie. I did then and do now everything for my daughter. Even when he was here, he didn’t even try to engage with her or connect with her… One example: he bitched to me a couple years back that DD was difficult that weekend, that she had gotten up early while everyone else was asleep and ate his “favorite cookies” (he’s diabetic, his fat ass didn’t/shouldn’t eat them, but whatever, go nuts fat boy) and then “destroyed” a Lego structure of his stepson’s that he and stepson “spent 4 hours putting together” fucker never spent 4 seconds with DD doing anything except bitching about her or at her.
    That I over drafted the account constantly, stole money from him– lie. He did that all the damn time.
    That I never went anywhere. Nope, can’t go anywhere because we had no money, and if I could, who would I go out with? He was such a douchebag he ran off all friends I tried to have.
    That I would go out all night and not come home until morning without even a text saying he was crashing at whoever’s house. Lies!!! That was all him, for the last couple of years I could count on him to go out and not come back until morning with no money. Damn, what a fucking chump I was, I never confronted him, and when I was shitty about it, he would blownup, so I just stayed silent.
    That he had to sell.plasma or pawn his treasures because I was getting us in financial strains, lies. That was me selling plasma for gas and groceries because my salary couldn’t cover the household bills and he couldn’t keep a job.
    Oh, the best one was what he told OWife that my friend told me— that I “didn’t want” our autistic DD and that I was going to pay him child support because I couldn’t deal with her. That one made my friend piss her pants laughing when OWife’s mom told my friend that!!! My friend burst that bubble real.fucking quick!!!
    Oh, and he told OW and her mom/family that we had been divorced for months and that the only reason DD was still living with me not him, even though he had primary custody, was because he was still setting up his slut-shack for her. Nope. We were still I thought happily married at this point, but silly me…

    There’s plenty more, but those are the higjlights. All of these lies we’re exposed to OWhore and her family, and she not only continued to date him, but them.married.him within weeks of our divorce was final.
    Fuck them, all of them, I hope they all rot in a cesspool with no one to save them like this delusional OWhore thinks she’s doing.

    • UnsinkableMollyX,

      Please tell me your ex and the OW have NO ACCESS to your autistic daughter. These are truly horrible people. Your ex sounds like he was probably an addict, definitely some kind of Cluster B, and an all around terrible person. Let them OW have him because he is the Titanic and she willingly jumped on board. The OW has got to be her own type of crazy to do that. Who in their right mind jumps on a sinking boat? (Is this where your screen name came from? The Unsinkable Molly Brown?)

      Wow, what your went through is TRULY terrible. Having to sell plasma for gas money and groceries… Molly, that is a new low- and it’s one that I have never heard of until now. This guy is truly the stuff of nightmares. You and your daughter are worth a million times more than this. Run far away if you can. I do not think it is safe for your DD to be around him.

      I have an autistic son and another son who now has to home school due to being bullied. People thought he was gay and kept physically hitting him and calling him gay. I told him, if he is gay, I support it 100%. Sexual orientation does not in any way affect the value of a human being.

      But, I don’t support bullying of any kind. My son who was called gay became suicidal and I had to pull him from school. The district would do nothing and this same district one time made the national news because a middle schooler filmed another kid being bullied and a teacher egging the kids on to bully the kid. Even the teacher himself was bullying the kid and physically sitting on him. It was disgusting.

      Onto your ex…. how on earth can someone (your ex) be that cruel. Having a child on the spectrum is no easy job and my autistic child needs a lot of care. When my autistic son is home, we still have to work on all kinds of things like his fine-motor skills. He is 10 and he still drops food everywhere. He cannot tie his shoes. Has a difficult time getting dressed. He is terrified to be in any room alone. He has sensory issues– if the clothing doesn’t feel right or if the food smells or looks just a tiny bit different, he gets upset. Her has night terrors where he roams the house and is something at something in a dream. We can’t wake him. And fortunately the school he goes to has fantastic specialists that he sees. When he gets to middle school though, I will home school him. I am not sending him to that toxic middle school.

      Also, this is why my style of humor is INTENSE. When life is intense, you have two choices: laugh or cry. I am choosing to laugh and I like writing satire. And my satire can be intense. But, my satire is NOT how I really think. It’s my metaphorical “steam valve” for the pressure cooker that is life.

      Anytime I hear of a family with an autistic child and when both parents are not caring for that child, it honestly makes me angry. I cannot believe what your ex did (on all levels) and especially not caring for your DD and also getting angry at your DD. None of us ask for autistic children, but when I heard the news about my son for the first time, I did the research, then I got a certificate in applied behavioral analysis so that I would know what method to use at home so that there was consistency. I wanted to ensure that I could step up to the plate fully as a parent. It is my responsibility to do well by my son and I have altered my life tremendously to ensure he gets the care he needs. (Therapists outside of school and lots of love and understanding from me). I am married and my husband, to this day, is in denial that our son is autistic. He has seen the diagnosis and my son has gotten the same diagnosis from three different psychologists with PhDs. My H treats my son as if he was neuro-typical and I have to explain to my husband over and over again that my husband cannot tease about taking something away or joke around because our son takes everything LITERALLY. I retired from the software industry to care for our son and work from home 100% of the time as a freelance writer. (No, it’s not a plug. It’s just a fact. I had to change every aspect of my life to ensure my son got what he needed). My parents are also nearby and helpful. I am grateful that I was born with an extremely patient and empathic personality. It has helped me communicate 100% correctly with my son. He feels “heard” and understood by me because I have learned to read his queues, know his habits, and give my all to him. If all else fails, he is able to communicate with me in a way where every aspect of what he is conveying is understood by me and I can explain it to others.

      Also, do most wives do the lion’s share of the chores and raising of children, even if they work full-time?

      Tell me how your DD is taking all of this… I just cannot imagine. Autistic children will often lash out (it’s NO fault of their own) when there is chaos. Chaos makes autistic kids act out. They must have a regimented schedule and a reliable home. You understand that, but your ex doesn’t and also doesn’t appear to want to understand that.

      I understand that and have not raised my autistic son the way I would have raised a neuro-typical child. I ensure he gets all the interventions, support, and understanding he needs.

      And I also emotionally support my son who was suicidal and help with his homeschooling.

      Molly, I am terribly sorry what you went through… what a nightmare. I am very concerned about your DD.

      Do you have to see your ex? I hope not…. do not descend to that particular ring of hell… so NOT worth it.

      Also, I am commenting here more frequently because of some shady stuff that has gone down in my marriage in the past year. I was a chump with my first ex.

      And I might have been chumped by my current husband. So even though I write for EAJ, I am here as a plain, old chump. I am still reeling from the experiences of the past year and trying to figure things out.

      I have always walked away from cheaters (in the past) if I had proof. The only thing I have proof of was that my H was absolutely targeted by someone and she targeted a couple of other men at her place of employment. But, the weirdest part was she got all these photos taken by another female coworker and they dressed her and photoshopped her to look as close to me as possible. When I sent my best friend the link to the photos, which were public and on a female coworker’s site, my best friend said, “That is real life Single White Female crap.” And that lady who was targeting several men (including my husband) literally died of cancer related to the human papilloma virus. She was under 40 years old, but had been so openly promiscuous that she got cancerous HPV and was gone within a year. (And yes, she was married, but didn’t give a crap. She did whatever she wanted.)

      And that is why I find myself here these days. I am attempting to process what happened. I have no proof of anything, but will be tested for HPV. The only proof I have is the creepy photos that were taken by the female coworker of that female coworker (who has died) and these photos were put on the first female coworker’s website. (My husband never had these photos on his computer or devices.) But the female coworker taking the photos had “boudoir” photos of many female coworkers as well as all kinds of women, which is crazy dysfunctional in itself because she pulls up her boudoir website at work and shows the boudoir photos married guys at work and anyone else. (Classy gal). And yes, this photographer lady is in a group of women who go after married men intentionally… and all these poacher women are generally medical assistants. They use the workplace as a way to target men who are higher on the so-called food chain. It’s the only reason these particular women work (not all women). They are a small group, and they don’t care if a guy is married either, they just work harder to get the man. (Note: They don’t work harder at work). Yes, everyone, these people are real. I know who they are and they make no attempt to hide their actions or intentions. They are completely open about these things and I have heard the following phrases out of their mouths:

      -Men fall in love with other women all the time. The wife is pathetic and needs to give up.

      -It doesn’t matter if he is married. If his wife was good enough, she would keep him. That’s her fault.

      -People cheat all the time. So what? People actually can find their soulmates this way.

      -It’s a good thing to save a man from a horrid wife. We are surely better than the wife and we are doing him a favor.

      -His children are unhappy because they found out about our affair. I told him that his children are losers and if they cannot support his happiness, they should be dead to him.

      Yes, they say such things. I have heard them.

      Having this strange experience with the woman who was photoshopped to look like me is what brought me to this website as a more active commenter. I have been reading this site for a year and LOVE this site. It’s my favorite infidelity site. But, now I am here trying to process what is up in my own marriage. No one is immune to affairs. I have never cheated on anyone and wish the men in my life would have done the same courtesy. But many have not. And there is one thing I have found and the psychology research supports it. Men generally dumpster dive for affair partners because they won’t get attached. They might have a beautiful, educated, loving wife at home, but that never matters. These men choose to cheat and are happy dumpster diving. There is a book by M. Gary Neumann that talks about this. 93% of the men he surveyed said the other woman was far INFERIOR to the wife. He also found 90% of men don’t want to leave their marriages if at all possible. In other words… men who cheat mostly want cake. It’s as simple as that. And if they can find a way to eat their cake in secret, they will.

      Peace,
      Sarah

      • Unsinkable, it sounds like OW’s mom already had her doubts doesn’t it. I’m glad for you it all came out in the wash though!

  • oh my god this was so hilarious!!! I was loling here in my office!!

    #frigidcow
    #cheatersalwayslie
    #stitchthatonapillowbitch

    Thank you awesome ladies and gents!! I sooo needed this today!! 🙂
    #nottodaysatan #ohbrother #thanksfordumpingmeryan #karmabusisrevving #whowantspopcorn

  • An example of a delusional self absorbed person trying to pawn themselves off to the world as a noble individual.

    On the flip side it looks like the cheating husband must have used a “whoa is me” pity tactic to get his affair going.

  • Two years ago, I would’ve validated this OW’s letter and felt sorry for her, because I remember the moment I realized that my ex cheater was spewing the same bullshit to me and the OW. It was when I found he had been
    contacting her during wreckonciliaton and his response was that he was trying to “let her down easy.” I realized he probably told her the exact same thing about me…letting me down easy…ha! It would have been easier if he’d have just cut me off and committed to her, instead of telling me to move on, then try to make me, the wife, the OW, (he was living with her and telling me how much he wanted to make it work…some grand effort at reconcilation. I slipped up at the beginning of No contact and hooked up with him once. Can’t believe I put up with that shit!)
    Yeah, this UBT poster’s MM was soooooo faithful to her. He made such a grand effort to not let her feel insecure; so grand that he was willing to fabricate some bullshit with no sweat off his brow…smh…
    I actually do kind of feel sorry for her, as this chick’s so completely deluded, that she had to write this letter to convince herself that the douchebag she was poaching, isn’t really just a douchebag. Yes, he is, honey, and you fell for it. What kind of woman has nothing better to do than play 2nd fiddle and play in the responsibility of destroying a family? I wish more of us women would stick together and support eachother and not let these men treat us like shite. If someone is already taken, show them the door and nip it in the bud before feelings become involved. Show them that sort of behavior is unacceptable. It’s that simple.

    • Men is pursuit of an ow won’t give up trying, so we can get mad all we want at the ow, but in reality, if it wouldn’t have been her, it would’ve been someone else. After being cheated on, I ended up as an ow, and the mm was relentless. I finally gave in, however, it became clear that he had tried pursuing numerous women before me and was even chatting up other women the entire time I was with him. Hilarious enough, his wife was unbelievably protective of him and each time she’d learn of one of his discretions, she try to sue the ow for making up stories about her husband. I kid you not, the lady created an atmosphere that literally allowed her husband to keep cheating on her because she wouldn’t believe he could do that and did damage control for him by going after the ow. Maybe she did it to win him over or was involved with a mm herself and did it as image control but how stupid can a person be. I guess it’s how wealthy people roll.

  • I’ve been on both sides… cheated on and then became an ow. I sent one simple text to my ex om wife, stating he was at a hotel with someone. I knew it was the only way to get mm out of my life. It worked perfectly. He immediately cut contact and my guess is he’s now onto ow #3… He was a very dangerous personality when he felt his image was being questioned and if he felt you were being disrespectful of his needs. I knew the safest way to walk away was for him to feel like he was the one doing so. I even pretended to be all sad and hurt over it but inside I was thinking how thankful I was that he took the bait and ran. His wife only considered the text I sent as an accusation of what he could have done but believed it wasn’t true, so she’s fine.

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