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And the Valentine’s Day Winners Are…

Do you need a giant dose of snark today? Chump Nation DELIVERED on infidelity Valentines!

It was quite a job to curate these. So much cleverness, so much Schmoopie humor, so many sad sausages worthy of derision. We had THREE haiku winners and one limerick stunner. Thank you everyone for participating and winners, email me for prizes!

Happy Valentine’s Day, CN! You’re all sweethearts.

The RUNNER UP haikus are:

Kirsten
I made cheese fondue –
You didn’t come that night –
You effing a-hole

OpheliasNewLife
The kids are blessings
You however not so much
But thanks for the sperm

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
You wanted to roam
With her to the snowy steppes.
How’s that single van life?

CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
Cold empty bed fears
New home New life My choices
I turn up the heat

Golfgrrl
Shaved your balls today?
Oh, and your hairy chest, too?
Repulsive dickhead.

Chumptastic Voyage
So that’s “your man” huh?
Think you won the pick me dance?
Call: 1-800-GOT JUNK

Amiisfree
Immature adults
can’t control their impulses —
don’t deserve our time.

GMSB
Kibbles kibbles cake
Kibbles kibbles kibbles cake
Cake cake cake discard

GMSB
Seriously, wife?
That’s how you solve your problems?
Jesus fucking Christ.

ChumpetyChumpChump
My husband’s penis
And tiny blue penis pills
Have moved to Brooklyn

NewChump
His cold, shrivelled heart.
As small as but much harder
Than his tiny dick.

Me or the dog
Hairy dog now sleeps.
Where hairy man-child once snored.
Seems I’ve traded up.

cashmere 
Cheater Facebook status:
In a relationship now.
Backdate that shit a decade.

The WINNING haiku is:

Chumpinrecovery 
Written on the card:
“You will always have my heart”
Follow through is hard

AND

GMSB
Hold my beer while I
Get my shit together and
Walk out of your life.

AND (for the sheer creativity of the insults)

Kab00dle  

Pillar of the Community II

Tall poppy, white knight,
Used car salesman, deadbeat dad,
Wrecking ball, tire fire.

Pillar of the Community I

The weight of two faces
Atop a jellyfish spine
Is why your back hurts.

Pillar of the Community III

You are a tapeworm
In the belly of a leech
Stuck to a vampire.

The RUNNER UP limericks are:

OpheliasNewLife 
“Southern Gentleman with a Heart So Kind”
Said your profile on Horny Singles Online
Well you’re neither single nor cupid
And I can’t fix stupid
Bless your heart, the Clap nailed you this time

SouthernCharm 
The South is best know for its drawl,
My X’s dick for it being small…
His hand it did play
With it both night and day
Now I dont’t have to see it at allll….

Creativerational 
I tracked with a spreadsheet
So much strange… meat
With ‘Ay Papie’ escorting
And other cavorting
No wonder sex with me was a feat. 

Sonja 
A dumb bucktoothed girl without class
Proved that my husband’s an ass
No condoms, no shame
He said I was to blame
If this is love, thanks but I’ll pass

Newdaydawning
Slept with our best friends wife
Ran off to a shiny new life
She had a new pregnancy
But you’d had a vasectomy
True Luv had a short shelf life

oldcrone 
The things you did with strangers was weird
And a fatal STD I so feared
‘Cause YOUR unsafe sex with guys
Could have lead to MY demise
I am so tired of being your beard.

SleeplessInTexas  
My wife, our whole life, she did say
I bet you were cheating today
Babe, I’ve been with no one but you
Yet your vagina’s a zoo
Why was I sad you’re away

NewChump
“If I Died, Would You Marry Another?”
Was a book that he gave me – oh, brother!
It was classic projection
And I’m done with rejection.
The sick fuck has run back to mother.

NotARehabCenter
You stalk the internet looking for prey
Pity the teen who crosses your way
But the joke is on you
The cops know it too:
Comeuppance this Valentines’ Day

Geden
There once was a mother of 2
Who thought one wasn’t enough to screw
But she’d give up her life
To blow another mans Fife
And find ways to blame it on you

Coolinmn
There once was a Troglodyte cheater.
Who said to his kids, “You should meet her.”
A ring for my Schmoops,
With your college fund -oops!
He is quite a true bottom-feeder.

The WINNING limerick is:

Chumpasaurus Rex
There once was a lawyer named Nate,
His legal skills were less than top rate,
I got more than half,
It was a laugh,
Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • As my Mom would always say, “If a guy ever tells you that his last girlfriend tried to run him over with her car, the day will come when you will wish she had.”

  • Awesome!! Needed the snark. I’m sitting in a Jeep dealer in West Virginia waiting to see if there is a problem. Making the drive from Ontario to Florida by myself… fingers crossed CN!

  • Ha ha, yes 3 of my favourite haiku’s are in that lot. Well done everybody, they all were the source of much mirth.

  • These all are fabulous. Thanks for the morning laugh. Come to think of it, I never really did love Valentine’s Day. The douche would buy multiple cards, add his Love, Hubby underneath. There was absolutely NO heartfelt feeling involved. Receiving those made me sadder than receiving none. Thanks again ChumpLady! You make my mornings!

    • For years, I told mine that all he needed to do was get a damn card and box of chocolates just to show that he remembered. CheaterX was either over the top or completely underwhelming. Both types of gifts were awkward in very different ways.

  • Gosh I love all of these! Twice my ex wrote cards to me that said Women instead of Woman. Probably wasn’t an accident. I’m not sad one bit he’s gone. Good riddance!

  • Happy Valentine’s Day, Chump Nation!!!

    Pro: My Valentine is a vegan….didn’t have to buy chocolate.

    Pro: “Roses are ornamental” instead of plants that could be harvested to feed hungry people….didn’t have to buy roses.

    Con: I was informed I will be forced to suffer through “The Notebook” tonight.

      • Wow, I didn’t know that. I made her an omelet once and used a vegan egg substitute. I thought I was going to have to take out a bank loan to afford it, though.

      • And vegan cupcakes. People think that vegans don’t eat anything but the reality is if you’re a creative vegan food options are plentiful.
        Happy Valentine’s CN! I love the poem: Hold my beer while I
        Get my shit together and
        Walk out of your life. ????

        • I remember the boys eating the carnations we used to send each other back in high school. I don’t know what the girls that sent them thought of that. Those thorns on the roses might not be so fun to eat though.

  • Congratulations to the runners up and the winners! So much creative snark!

    Chump Nation–what a collection of talented, funny, creative people we have here!

  • I was so thrilled to see my Haiku on the winners list this morning. There was so much good stuff submitted. Chump lady must have bene up all night. I hope she can get a break and take a nap today. Meanwhile we could probably fill a book with all of this creative work.

    My favorite is still the one with the Schmoopie who turns up pregnant in spite of the vasectomy. Sometimes Karma does strike and it feels so good when it does even if it happens to somebody else’s fucktard. In fact it is better when it is someone else’s fucktard. I am still a chump and might actually feel a tinge of pity if it happened to my ex.

    Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

  • Great post today !! I don’t miss the x one bit. Newlady15, if you get to Atlanta and need to crash? I have a big house..just reach out. Be safe. Happy Valentines day everyone.

  • It’s an honour to be included in the selections. I’ve been on CL for 3 Valentine’s Day I think, this is the first one I have had the snark and the meh to really compete.

    I love all the goodies here.

    Chump lady is the reason I’m thriving not just surviving.

    • “Chump lady is the reason I’m thriving not just surviving.”

      I second / third / fourth / gadzillionth that emotion, Creativetational!! Ain’t it the truth?!

  • Woot woot! Congrats worthy winners! Some classic poetry there – supersnark. I totally forgot it was valentines day. Read today that st val was clubbed to death … funny that. Feelin special to be in the runners up ????

  • Thank you CL!
    This is such a mighty crew. Just knowing that we are all linked makes this day less annoying.

      • Thank you! I think the key thing is: use their hubris to your advantage. My Dad’s favorite saying: just keep handing them the rope-they will hang themselves. So much truth there.

        Happy Valentine’s Day, ChumpNation!

        • Rex, my dad AND my lawyer told me the exact same thing this week! They do it to themselves; no assembly required. ????

  • Glad to have snuck in there as a haiku co-winner. I took the Cheater approach: put out as much as possible and see what sticks.

    “Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date” will go down in history, I predict.

  • These were all awesome and gave me such a laugh this morning! Thank you!

    “Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date” — I love love love this. ????

  • They’re going to carry me out of here in a straight jacket because I am laughing so hard. Out loud. These are all just great. I have a special fondness for Kirsten’s, because the final line is so haiku-like.

    And this one:
    You are a tapeworm
    In the belly of a leech
    Stuck to a vampire.

    But they’re all great. Happy Valentine’s Day to all survivors of betrayal. May we remember to love ourselves every day.

    • I think Kaboodle was channeling whoever wrote the Grinch song when she wrote those. Creative insults. They were great.

  • Love a good snark! Thanks CL for your work pulling this all together and CN for your efforts! I’m no poet but loved them all!
    The one I truly loved
    The weight of two faces
    Atop a jellyfish spine
    Is why your back hurts
    Kab00dle ????
    Sums it up so well!!

  • Hair dog sleeps where hairy ex used to sleep.

    I traded up, too! Lol

    I am divorced 6 months, free of him for 3 years after he moved in with 22 y.o. and had a baby while still married to me. I am loving freedom and meh.

    Last night he was so nasty to me over $35.00 penalty for our daughter not completing AAA driving course. She told him it was too much to do with trying to survive chemistry and math last semester. He said I should pay the whole penalty since I did not make her do the course. Did I forget I have her over 50% of the time?

    He makes 6 figures and buys big toys – campers, motorcycles, desert vehicles, thousand dollar bbqs, boats, etc. etc. And I was like, why the nasty over $35?

    Oh, yeah, it’s not about the money. It’s about an excuse to be nasty to me. Evidently he is not so happy in his new life. Go figure.

    In court papers for divorce under the financial part – under hardships – he listed his baby son. His healthy baby son.

    Trust that they suck.

    My Labrador Retriever turns 10 years old today, on Valentines Day. Love having her sleep next to me on the bed every night. Love it, love it, love it. 🙂

    • My dog sleeps with me every night. I never worry that he’s cheating on me. He’s not suddenly working out, or lost weight or bought new underwear.

      • OMG. “Working out, lost weight, bought new underwear” I’d add took testosterone….

        Yup! Been there! Great job everyone! I laughed out loud! Thanks! Needed this today!

    • No more camping, why are even talking to him. Go no contact. Any conversation regarding minor kids go Family Wizard orogram or strictly email. While he continues to be nasty he is in control to put you in your place. You have not been divorced long and if you do not put a stop to it and shut it down it will continue forever. You don’t let him get away with that. You don’t defend or explain or argue with him. Put a stop to that immediately and anytime he starts that you shut it down immediately.

      • Hi Gentle Reader,

        Thank you. Yes, you’re right – that’s their MO.

        We didn’t talk. We texted. I refuse to talk to him. I used to bite when he said stupid things, but now I just gave him facts and leave it at that. I gave him the break down of the money he will get back for the refund plus penalty and gave him a smiley face.

        Yes, he needed to throw out the nasty to make himself feel good. I’m happy now. He’s not. He’ll never be happy. But you know the drill. He amuses me with his tantrums and makes me feel grateful that he is someone else’s problem. I love being alone. Being critical and demeaning is all he knows to communicate – to get his way. He threatened and bullied me severely the whole time during divorce to make back down and accept very little. At one point my own lawyer wanted me to settle and I told her no. His lawyer was just as nasty as he is. He’s mad I didn’t back down. He told me I kept surprising him as I locked him out of the house and then had him served at work. He thought I would cower and let him play house with OW and be there when he was done and ready to come back home. He was crazy mad that I was separating everything after he moved in with OW. He would no longer receive discounts on insurance and stuff! Hilarious.

        Something funny – the street address for his lawyer was 5150.

        Love the limericks today. Hoping for a meh day for everyone!

  • CL thank you for the honor of being a runner up! Thanks to you I can now laugh of the stupidity of x in my rear view mirror!

  • My Dearest proved so be be,
    A roamer to the 1st degree
    With all his Dear hearts times three
    For his wandering eye expanded
    Now his wedding finger goes un banded
    Karma will catch him remanded
    All the wit and charm he shares
    Will trap others in his snare
    I know cause I been there
    Today like many others
    His love notes and all do smother
    And his lies are all well covered
    Love bombs profess of love
    Oh how he does what he does
    Till your your heart is all abuzz
    Valentine’s and boasts to be true
    Many are his ways , justa ruse
    Designed to so well to snare you
    So when cupids arrow zooms your way
    Decide if it hits or goes on it’s way
    Happy Valentine’s Day!

  • The talent, both male and female, is particularly strong in southern US and I’m a bit into classics, so I liked Shakespearean Ophelia.

  • This is so cathartic..

    You said that you loved me forever
    But the trust we shared you did sever
    For your sex with other men
    And more men again
    Meant no longer could we stay together

    (Happy Valentine’s day to you….never!)

  • This is why I love Chump Lady & Chump Nation❤ you make me smile 🙂
    Congratulations to the winners & the runner ups! Happy V-Day!!!

  • There is nothing like broken hearts, anger and the need for snark to bring out the creative juices. I used to write poetry over high school love aches too and it was always cathartic because it turns the mind to focusing on rhyme and meter etc. while simultaneously working through your distress. It is actually much harder to write an actual love poem for a relationship you feel good about. I tried to write a positive valentine’s day poem for New Guy and it came out kind of lame. I will have to work on that.

  • CL wants to know what to inscribe in the copy of her book she’s sending me! (My original copy has lots of inscriptions made by me, mostly with trucker language.)

    Ideas?

    • GMSB I have been following your posts in the forum and just want to say how happy I am for you to get an autographed copy of CL’s book. Congratulations, excellent writing!

  • All of this!

    Valentine’s Day was our thing
    Last year you bought a heart ring
    It wasn’t for me
    The charge I did see
    Today, I filed, freedom sings.

  • Your face is red
    Your balls are blue
    Last year you cheated on me
    This year schmoopie cheats on you

    I love Karma

  • I thought that this was just going to be another bad Valentines Day, in a long string of bad V Days, until I saw that I was a runner-up.
    So proud to be on the distinguished list of Chump poets????
    Last year was the first V Day after the latest D Day. Huh, maybe there’s a limerick in there somewhere…
    Anyway, thank you Chump Lady for providing this forum, and thanks to Chump Nation for all the snark and sparkling (in a good way) wit.

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