Do you need a giant dose of snark today? Chump Nation DELIVERED on infidelity Valentines!
It was quite a job to curate these. So much cleverness, so much Schmoopie humor, so many sad sausages worthy of derision. We had THREE haiku winners and one limerick stunner. Thank you everyone for participating and winners, email me for prizes!
Happy Valentine’s Day, CN! You’re all sweethearts.
The RUNNER UP haikus are:
I made cheese fondue –
You didn’t come that night –
You effing a-hole
The kids are blessings
You however not so much
But thanks for the sperm
You wanted to roam
With her to the snowy steppes.
How’s that single van life?
Cold empty bed fears
New home New life My choices
I turn up the heat
Shaved your balls today?
Oh, and your hairy chest, too?
So that’s “your man” huh?
Think you won the pick me dance?
Call: 1-800-GOT JUNK
can’t control their impulses —
don’t deserve our time.
Kibbles kibbles cake
Kibbles kibbles kibbles cake
Cake cake cake discard
That’s how you solve your problems?
Jesus fucking Christ.
My husband’s penis
And tiny blue penis pills
Have moved to Brooklyn
His cold, shrivelled heart.
As small as but much harder
Than his tiny dick.
Me or the dog
Hairy dog now sleeps.
Where hairy man-child once snored.
Seems I’ve traded up.
Cheater Facebook status:
In a relationship now.
Backdate that shit a decade.
The WINNING haiku is:
Written on the card:
“You will always have my heart”
Follow through is hard
Hold my beer while I
Get my shit together and
Walk out of your life.
AND (for the sheer creativity of the insults)
Pillar of the Community II
Tall poppy, white knight,
Used car salesman, deadbeat dad,
Wrecking ball, tire fire.
Pillar of the Community I
The weight of two faces
Atop a jellyfish spine
Is why your back hurts.
Pillar of the Community III
You are a tapeworm
In the belly of a leech
Stuck to a vampire.
The RUNNER UP limericks are:
“Southern Gentleman with a Heart So Kind”
Said your profile on Horny Singles Online
Well you’re neither single nor cupid
And I can’t fix stupid
Bless your heart, the Clap nailed you this time
The South is best know for its drawl,
My X’s dick for it being small…
His hand it did play
With it both night and day
Now I dont’t have to see it at allll….
I tracked with a spreadsheet
So much strange… meat
With ‘Ay Papie’ escorting
And other cavorting
No wonder sex with me was a feat.
A dumb bucktoothed girl without class
Proved that my husband’s an ass
No condoms, no shame
He said I was to blame
If this is love, thanks but I’ll pass
Slept with our best friends wife
Ran off to a shiny new life
She had a new pregnancy
But you’d had a vasectomy
True Luv had a short shelf life
The things you did with strangers was weird
And a fatal STD I so feared
‘Cause YOUR unsafe sex with guys
Could have lead to MY demise
I am so tired of being your beard.
My wife, our whole life, she did say
I bet you were cheating today
Babe, I’ve been with no one but you
Yet your vagina’s a zoo
Why was I sad you’re away
“If I Died, Would You Marry Another?”
Was a book that he gave me – oh, brother!
It was classic projection
And I’m done with rejection.
The sick fuck has run back to mother.
You stalk the internet looking for prey
Pity the teen who crosses your way
But the joke is on you
The cops know it too:
Comeuppance this Valentines’ Day
There once was a mother of 2
Who thought one wasn’t enough to screw
But she’d give up her life
To blow another mans Fife
And find ways to blame it on you
There once was a Troglodyte cheater.
Who said to his kids, “You should meet her.”
A ring for my Schmoops,
With your college fund -oops!
He is quite a true bottom-feeder.
The WINNING limerick is:
There once was a lawyer named Nate,
His legal skills were less than top rate,
I got more than half,
It was a laugh,
Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date.