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Dear Chump Lady, He sees me as the Fixer

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Dear Chump Lady,

The other night as the Super Bowl was just getting started, my 18-year-old daughter called me into her bedroom. Her dad, (my ex of nine months), had just called to tell her he was vacationing and got married in Vegas the day before!

Within five minutes he texted me: “Hey there. I just wanted to let you know that OW and I got married last night. I have nothing but good intentions with telling you this. I don’t want you to hear it second hand.”

My daughter saw OW wearing a “nice ring on THAT finger” at Christmastime when she visited them, but when she asked, they were silent about whether it was an engagement. OW’s divorce didn’t finalize until later that January.

To make matters more confusing, wasband texted me just two weeks ago asking if I had a copy of his last resume because he was about to get fired and really needs it, and making the alimony (aka college-age child support) payments is really hard since his demotion last summer from management (because OW was a subordinate coworker whom he managed and she was recently fired from the company — albeit with six month’s salary in return for signing a contract that she can never sue the company for sexual harassment by wasband). He said, “You wouldn’t believe the bullshit we’ve endured” (at work) and this is “killing” him because he knows I need the money to support our daughter who lives with me while attending the local college. He doesn’t give her any additional money because he believes the alimony he pays me is 100% to support our daughter.  

Can you make sense of all the stupid shit he has said the past two weeks? I’m still processing. We are no contact otherwise and have communicated maybe three times in the nine months we’ve been divorced. He is a “hero” for rescuing his OW from an abusive relationship, though they both have alcohol addiction and abandoned their children to run off together, yet he still sees me as the “fixer”??

Kay

Dear Kay,

You need to inform your ex that Little Miss Boozehound Rescue Schmoopie there is his new fixer. He fired you from the wife job.

I know what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, but the whole matrimony thing conveys. You can’t leave it on the craps table. Lest he forget, OW’s got that blingy ring finger to remind him. He’s married. To HER.

Pro tip for OW: Don’t format the resume in Comic Sans.

Anyway, none of this has anything to do with you. You’re rid of an alcoholic user. You don’t need to “make sense” of his gibberish or write to advice columnists to decode it. He’s a train wreck. You jumped off the tracks. Yea you!

No need to absolve him of alimony either. You have a court order if he decides to welch on that. Again, not your problem how he comes up with the money. Sells a kidney, sells OW’s kidney — not your concern. Should it become a problem, you call a lawyer. You don’t discuss it with Mr. Sad Sausage there. He can have another improving conversation with the HR department.

That said, I would get in front of the money thing and tell your daughter she might need to take a college loan. Is it shitty that he would abandon support for her? Yes. And he’s the same person who abandoned his family, so, hey, he’s consistent. Not the sort of person you want to rely upon. Your personal sanity might be worth not needing one damn thing from him and having zero financial ties.

You may have to do the chump calculus of how much it costs to get a lawyer to enforce this, versus how much does he owe you, and what is it worth.

Is that fair? Of course not. Like many of us, you bred with a fuckwit. None of this is fair. I’m just saying an alcoholic with a propensity for sexual harassment lawsuits may not be the rock upon which to build your financial security.

Why does he see you as the fixer? Because you answered the phone. Because you listened to his “endurance” word vomit. Because you still have synapses that fire when he is distressed. Because you used to be of use, and maybe you still are! Worth a check. Or 17.

Anyway, he will pull this shit as long as you let him, so stop letting him. No calls, he can write. That’s documentation for future legal actions. Let him explain the financials of new ring, trip to Vegas, can’t afford ordered support to a judge.

Meanwhile, just think of what a prize the OW won — a broke ass drunk. Who needs help with his resume.

Congrats on your retirement from the job.

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I got called a “c&nt” coz I wouldn’t tell her how much ex still owed me…. Apparently they are struggling financially and working all hours. Then she threatened that the money he pays for child maintenance would be cut coz I wasn’t playing ball.
    I did tell her that he owes in total about £25k to everyone but it’s not my circus anymore 😂

    • His choice is to pay or you can go to court and he will get a nice slightly used orange jumpsuit when he is arrested for Contempt of Court — his choice.

  • Tell that idiot to hock that “nice ring on that finger!” That should pay for a semester or two for your daughter!

  • I confess to having been the fixer throughout my relationship w/Cheater Narc. The difficulty when you are in what you think is a committed relationship, is knowing when to STOP helping and supporting! It’s natural and normal and healthy to be supportive and helpful to your partner. But not to the point that they aren’t doing normal adulting, either because they won’t or they can’t. Not when they are not reciprocating (and may even be tearing you down).

    But once they fire you from the spouse job???? That line is EASY to see! Not your problem any more.

    Oh, and be prepared for the ANGER. My Ex initially expected me to keep fixing and supporting as I always had, after I’d kicked him out, following me around at our daughter’s birthday party to whine about work, chatting about issues w/his landlord on phone calls about kid pick-up …. But he kind of let that go when I consistently either walked away while he talked or asked him ‘why are you telling me this?’ on the phone. But when I stopped ‘fixing’ his relationship w/the kids? He pushed and pushed and pushed, demanded to meet w/me, e-mailed me again and again. And when I wouldn’t fix and spackle for him, to the kids, anymore, then the accusations and rage began. In his eyes, I have alienated his kids from him, I’m a terrible person etc etc etc.

    They think they are entitled to our help, even for problems they have worked really hard and consistently at creating. And they believe they are STILL entitled to that, even after they have fired us from that job.

    No longer your circus, not your monkeys anymore. Let him deal. And be prepared to hear how you’re harming the kids, what an awful, unfeeling, vengeful person you are.

    • Completely agree. Ignore your cheater’s personal problems because they are not your problems anymore, and after awhile they were eventually go away. Once that circus moves out of your life, keep it out.

    • Told him that “I’ve run interference for you with your relationships with the kids long enough. You will have the relationship with them that you build.”

    • I could have written this. Add in “Don’t you want what is best for the kids? Wouldn’t spending time with me be better for them?” All the while he is not using his parenting time. I refused to set up play dates for him or let him use my house as his playground.

      My fault for not “supporting” him having a relationship with his kids. Again, I just stepped out of the way. Kids are 15 and 16 so if he really wanted his time, he would plan it.

    • You know, I thought he was the fixer as I note in my post below, but now that I think about it there were certain areas where I was the fixer. He always wanted me to be the one enforcing his rules and boundaries. He let me manage the child care. If the nanny wasn’t doing something to his satisfaction he complained to me so that I could set her straight. Meanwhile he could play nice guy. Same with the kids. He wanted me to be the one to enforce the rules he wanted to impose even if I thought they were a bit much. If I failed to do so I “didn’t have his back”. Never mind that I never interfered if he did chose to enforce his rules on his own. He wanted me to do it so he didn’t have to be the meanie. I was also the one always running interference between him and DD who have always had a rocky relationship (although they really do love each other). This usually just resulted in both of them being mad at me instead of each other. It took me a long time to learn my lesson there. Old habits die hard and I didn’t really learn to back off and let them duke it out for themselves until almost a year after the divorce was final. Generally he was the fixer for the physical stuff, I was the fixer for the emotional and relationship stuff.

    • Hahaha! I remember this feeling very well.

      My cheating, abusive ex won custody of our 3 kids, because he was a city councilor. Anytime he broke the law to harass me, he’d call the chief of police to smooth things over for him, since my ex set the police department’s budget. I moved a few cities over so I would never miss my visitation time with the kids, but so I was in a jurisdiction that he didn’t have any power in.

      My ex spent a lot of time buying the kids’ affection. He made the older 2 spoiled and selfish (the youngest is fine because she splits her time between the 2 of us and she’s smart; she can see that he brings his own misery on himself while I’m doing fine). The older kids, at his encouragement, then cut me out of their lives. They were teens, and I only saw them one weeknight for 3 hours. Any other time outside of the court order where I tried to spend time with them was rebuffed. I was told that my ex and my teens spent a lot of time making fun of me behind my back.

      Then, the oldest and most spoiled one turned on him. He came running to me, asking me, “How are we going to fix this??!!”

      I said, “When you took custody from me, this is what you asked for. You were telling the courts that I couldn’t be trusted making decisions for the kids, and you were better off doing the parenting thing alone. You got the kids to tell the court that they didn’t need or want my guidance in their lives. You and the teens got exactly what you wanted, so you figure it out.”

      Oh how he sputtered! “You mean you aren’t going to help me?” “Nope, not unless you want to give me custody, and I stop paying you support.” He never did take me up on it, because the money was more important to him than a healthy environment for our kids.

      Now the teens, now young adults, hate him. One has been kicked out of his house and is living with a grandparent (they don’t want to live with me still). The other is finishing up college and has plans to move far away. The little one, now a teen, has a great relationship with me, and sees dad as the POS he is.

      He got exactly what he wanted. He just didn’t know what that would mean. Long-term thinking and planning never was his strong suit.

  • Good day for this column…we have an appt today with a divorce atty to advise us on how to compel nowhusbands longX-wife to follow through with the agreements in their divorce decree…the one which says they will both pay 50% of daughters college. XW has pulled out the stops reminding everyone that she will act mad and nasty if compelled to pay money for stuff. My argument is that her bullying is background noise and her legal commitments stand.

    Its not my job to forfeit household funds to allow her off the hook.
    I dont fix her shit and neither does her XH.

    • Just a thought on this: It’s up to your H to explain to his DD that he will pay his 1/2 of college expenses and it’s up to her mother to pay her half. And if she doesn’t, then DD will need to get loans. Hang that hat on her mother.

      • LAJA, I’m facing this situation too. I’m a CHUMP but had to pay cheater XW to do what she did and has done. 17 yrs flushed away. Son is about to graduate HS. I’ve faithfully paid all child support. XW took a huge loss in equity when she sold (lost) the house. During separation and divorce process I paid spousal maintenance and child support. She paid her expenses only and drove me into collection on the dumbest things like a satellite bill etc…. These were bad choices that SHE made. With the high amount of child support I’ve paid for 5 years now (maintaining 2 households) there is just nothing left for a car for him and forget college. That’s beyond anything I an afford now. I’m not sure if its her being short sighted, vindictive for her bad decisions, greed? But she has done nothing for him in that regard. I’ve held up her end and mine really since he was born. I’m open to options on college. Something like she, son and I each pay 1/3 of college after grants and student loans (modest loans btw). I feel a student should have some financial investment in it to motivate them to do well. Just throwing an idea out there to you.

        • Leonidis..please check into community colleges and professional/technical programs for your son which are excellent educational choices and much cheaper than a four year and/or private institution. Also have him apply for every scholarship out there. There’s a lot of money left on the table from scholarships that don’t get applied for, some having nothing to do with GPA. If someone really wants to go to college, there is always a way.

          • I agree. Vocational programs abound in 2-yr colleges and they payout quickly after graduation. Those 4-yr Bachlor degrees are useless unless he is a STEM major, and even then, a Masters is usually necessary in order to make the investment payout. I have relatives whose kids majored in Arts and Psych who took huge loans and now sit at home in between shifts at Arby’s. Paying back the loans is now Dad’s problem.

        • First, I’d look into DS doing a year or two at Community College, maybe living with you and commuting from there? It will cut total costs in half or better. And it will end any discussion of child support beyond age 18, and assuming there aren’t more kids. I wouldn’t say that I think CC academic courses are fully equivalent to a fairly rigorous 4-year course, but as someone who teaches freshmen in such a 4-year environment, most of the supposed “rigor” is wasted on 18-year olds. My nephew’s daughters could well afford a good 4-year private institution (or their parents could) but they chose to do the first two years at a CC and then transfer to a state school. Mom and Dad pay for an apartment shared by a roomie–cheaper than college R&B. Both DDs have part-time jobs, are involved in college activities, have social lives, and make good grades.

          Don’t assume that expensive is the same thing as excellent. Look for a good value, and one that prepares kids to live in the real world (with lots of different kinds of people).

          Students should absolutely have some investment in their education, but you must teach your kiddo what is means to have loans. For many college students, that’s an abstract concept until the first payment is due.

          If the mother has low income, have her be the parent for FAFSA purposes. That will increase the aid level.

          • I know several younger people who started at community colleges and then finished at colleges and universities for financial reasons.

      • LAJ…Im a fan of community college (my DD did 2 years preUni and it went well) and in most cases your advise would stand but she is his only child and he will put her through Uni (including a semester at Cambridge) and more. He has the cash and also set her up a trust fund (which she doenst know about) that could educate her 3x over. I knew this was his plan way before we married.
        For me, the main reason to hold the XW to the divorce decree is to set a boundary with her bullying…she always gets her way and I want to help put an end to that.

        Im also in grad school and he pays my tuition too…he is pretty committed to this whole education thing.

        • I was more responding to Leonidas, who says he has been tapped out before college starts.

          It’s good to know that your H is in a situation to take care of things if he has to.

        • I’m an academic at a university and a fan of community college. Smaller classes, more individual attention, lower tuition, usually more flexible schedule. If kiddo can get all their gen ed requirements at the cc, credits should transfer to the local university.

  • If that drunken SOB has time to vacation he has time to rewrite his resume. Easy answer “I don’t have it”. Why is it so hard to do the right thing???

  • “Let him explain the financials of new ring, trip to Vegas, can’t afford ordered support to a judge.” Hell yeah!!! 🙌🙌🙌

    • Chumpella is absolutely right.

      You have a daughter so you cannot go 100% No Contact, but you can go GRAY ROCK. That means if the communication isn’t about the care and welfare of your daughter, then there is NO communication.

    • Right?! What would he say then?

      “I would have gotten a better job in order to pay support but my EX-WIFE wouldn’t update/fix/forward me my resume!”

      Let him BE in the position to have to say anything resembling that. He is INVITING the Karma Train. Ridiculous-sounding to ANYONE except him. I’ll bet his new wife has no idea he even said anything like this… she WANTS to be The Fixer and he thinks so little of her that he’s going back to his ex-wife. ::Laughing REALLY LOUDLY::

      Nope.

      The End.

  • Cheaters deceive and betray and self-serve because they believe they are entitled to whatever they want.

    What they want is to keep their chumps’ loyalty, gifts, goodness, and fixing, but they don’t see the need to honor the agreements that are the reason they have the chump in the first place. In their minds they are special and unique and don’t have to follow other people’s rules.

    Splitting up doesn’t change their shared perspective that they are entitled to their chumps and that the natural consequences of their behaviors are unfair. They deserve better than other people on the planet, they believe.

    These are universal traits among sexual/romantic cheaters and other betrayers. People who would harm others in those ways are not people who care about anything besides their own self-interest.

    Everything CL said is spot on. If you’ll give it, they’ll take it. The only person who can stop giving it is you/me.

  • Also, a piece of advice a wise person gave me a long time ago applies here:

    No fishing from the company pond.

    😁

    • Amen. My cheater carried on with a coworker, mostly during working hours (taking extra long “romantic” lunches and breaks) and is terrified I’ll tell his manager. I find that very useful in securing his compliance with the financials. I don’t even need a separation agreement. 🙂 I need his money and don’t want him fired, but he retires in a few years and she’ll still be there. She’s being outed the day he leaves that job, for that and being drunk at work. Lol.

  • Once an entitled loser; always an entitled loser. Mine expected me to continue to be his editor after we divorced. At least theee times a week he’s send me emails he needed me to look over before he sent them out. I always did it while we were married and through 3 years of wreckconciliation so he still felt entitled to my services.

    It took me about 3 months of not living together and being divorced to realize he was just using me as always so I shut that shit down. He of course was mad but he fired me from the job of giving a shit so I stopped and I’ve never looked back.

    No is a complete sentence and probably more than your ex deserves. Crickets are very effective too.

    • The hubris of continuing to use you as an editor! And then to get angry. Cheaters are arrogant asses.

      Hannibal’s GF/AP apparently isn’t intellectually stimulating, so a few years ago, he wanted to debate tax law with me surrounding who got to claim our college student on taxes, even though he had already said I could claim her! Sorry, Hannibal, have to go watch paint dry rather than have an intellectual battle with you for old time’s sake.

  • I get it, Kay. I live every day with the injustice of having bred with a fuckwit. But seeing the truth of their characters described with Chump Lady’s biting wit provides such clarity, and hopefully gets each of us closer to meh. He fired you from the job of updating his resume and caring about his train wreck of a life. There’s no point in trying to understand, just keep working on being free to rebuild a beautiful life for you and your daughter.

  • I was the fixer on EVERYTHING. x couldn’t be bothered with the trivial things in life like the kids, bills and the normal problems of everyday life. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was taking care of that man child until we divorced. They don’t realize all that we do for them until we stop. Since AP’s are all about fun they’re not going to take on our former job in that department. When I reminded x that divorce meant I don’t do these things for you anymore, he went into a rage that ended with him telling me that I had fixed things for him for 34 years and he didn’t understand why I wouldn’t fix things now. No comprehension of why, after blowing up my life, I wouldn’t want to take care of his needs. The entitlement is off the charts.

    • Its just so hard to imagine that there are people out there that really think this way… like how do they lack that self awareness? You are lucky hes not your problem anymore.

    • “…he went into a rage that ended with him telling me that I had fixed things for him for 34 years and he didn’t understand why I wouldn’t fix things now.”

      Users gonna use.

      • Mine relied on me to do the taxes and everything else (since he had a very big and important job and was the man who worked when by then I was home with our 4 kids working my ass off too).
        While we were divorcing he was non compliant and doing such shady things. My accountant recommended we file separately to keep me clear of IRS problems.

        I did mine and he kept asking why I was not giving him his paperwork and doing it anymore…”Waaaahhh. I don’t understand Free2bme!?”

        I finally emailed “I don’t work for you anymore. I can’t be more more clear.”

        His response: “That was more clear.”

        That was about the last engagement I had with him. No contact is the balm that heals!

    • The AP in my scenario kind of was happy to become the new me. How long it lasts…who knows.
      It’s not lost on me that there’s some incentive when you are living in a bad neighborhood, working two jobs to raise your three kids and some Capt. on the fire dept making 3 figures decides you are the one….you take it.
      Now she caters to him as I used to.
      I believe there are two kinds of affair partner.
      The kind that’s all good until it stops being all champagne and stolen moments in hotel rooms and becomes real life.
      The other is the AP that enjoys the high of beating the wife….that she was the winner. That lives the idea of being the new you….but better.
      It feels that way for the disxarded at first, that you were beaten. Then you realize that shit show is her life now and you are FREE of it….with alimony.
      I wonder if I realize the favor she did me, if she’s now realizing that she’s stuck with him.
      Now that I’m no contact with him, she has nothing to do but enjoy his company.
      Life. Is. Good.

      • I would like to quote Shirley Glass “ If your husband ( spouse ) abandons you for another,
        wait 4 years and then send a Thank You card.” Enjoy a serene life.

        • A close friend sent her X’s OW/new wife flowers and a fancy thank you card on their wedding day. Smiling serenely.

      • LOL. My ex was abusive as well as a cheater. His OW stayed with men who molested her kid because she’s the sort who can’t be without a man. She stays with them until she finds someone better, then cheats, then leaves.

        I could never leave my ex, because he’d always find me. Then I’d have to worry about getting hit again. When I saw he was having an affair with her, I spoke the words that made him think that I was sad and wanted him. But in action, I did everything I could to “encourage” their “bond”. I was “too busy” with work, kids, and college, so I’d say, “Oh honey, you’ve been so stressed with all of the drama between me and OW. Here’s some money, go have fun with your friends. I trust that you’ve learned your lesson and won’t cheat on me again.”

        Of course I knew he was going over there. That’s what I wanted. I’d only be free of him if it was his idea and he thought he was getting a better deal with her. He is also such a narcissist that he wanted us to fight over him; it was an ego high. And my plan worked beautifully. When he moved out, I managed to squeeze some tears out so he would think that I was still in the fight. The kids cried, and I soothed them and tucked them into bed that first night. Then, home alone and with everyone asleep so as not to witness, I danced! I danced and laughed and sang! What followed wasn’t easy, but I was taking my first steps in freedom.

        I wish I could have been braver and just kicked him out, but I couldn’t. This was the only way to get out safely. If the OW hadn’t been a POS herself, I’d have warned her away and felt sorry for her. But if she’s willing to pimp out her own kids for a man, then I have no sympathy for her.

  • Wow! Love this! And so true. I love the “he fired you from the wife job.” Yeah, let the OW be the fixer now. You don’t owe him shit.

  • The ring thing triggers me. I can’t help it.
    Cheater did not buy me an engagement ring. He was still in school. I had started my first job. We just didn’t have any money, certainly no money for a ring. I borrowed a wedding dress. Honestly!
    Yet, at DDay he said he needed a divorce, that it was not fair to ow to just live with her, that he would have to marry her.
    I got to thinking that ow would need a sparkly diamond ring ,and she would have to shop for the perfect wedding dress too, because she was oh so special and such a “tru wuv.”

    Kay,
    You are no longer his fixer!
    I hope everything goes well for you and your daughter.
    CL, CN are here for you!

    • The ring thing triggers me, too. Mr. Magoo didn’t wear the ring I bought for him (I also paid for mine) when we married 40+ years ago. After the first DDay, I found it in his sock drawer and threw his ring and mine away. After reconciliation, I bought new rings. Although it was his idea to buy new rings, after a short time he stopped wearing his and cheated again. I threw the replacement rings away. Then I found out about his 10-year relationship with the neighborhood skank. Per his whore-“wife”, they exchanged rings that HE bought in a fake “marriage” ceremony. If I had found that ring, I may have done more with it than just throw it away 😉, but he had it too well hidden. Oh well, probably saved me from some legal consequences. But it really chaps my hide that he actually paid for those rings and never paid for ours.

      • It triggers me a bit, too. Mine conveniently lost his ring a few years into our marriage. Not because he was cheating then, I’m almost certain he wasn’t, but I suspect he simply didn’t want a reminder of the mistake he’d made. Naturally, he never told me it was a mistake. He pretended to love me and to be happy for decades. Then somebody hit on him for the first time and he jumped at the chance. He wanted to all along, but didn’t have the confidence to initiate. Cheaters are all cowards and he’s just an ordinary, run of the mill, amoral narcissistic creep. That fake marriage ceremony thing, OTOH, is unusual and quite mind-boggling. Those people seem to think they live in an alternate universe.

        • Yeah, my cheater xh jumped on the first peg that gave him the come on. Man, is she ugly too. Hooboy. He was an affair waiting to happen….the first skank that looked at him twice, he was all over it like a bum on a bologna sandwich.

          • I love your colourful use of metaphors. 😄
            Yeah, there are cheaters who lack confidence and need the skank to come on to them, but they are probably a minority. Most of the stories here are about highly proactive cheaters. The shy, naive cheater is probably more apt to think it’s twu wuv very quickly. Mine certainly did. One two minute fumbling, drunken hump (after which she passed out) was enough to convince him it was Meant To Be. He admitted to thinking they were a good match just because they both liked music and booze and had bitchy mothers. Lol.

    • It triggers me too, peacekeeper. My engagement ring was a small, very occluded stone his mom gave him. My wedding band cost $50…I was there when we bought it. At the time of engagement/wedding, my Ex was earning upwards of $70,000/year.

      On our 5th anniversary I got a pair of sterling silver hoops with diamond chips (I want to emphasize CHIPS) in them. We also went to a concert to see someone I had never heard of.

      It’s not the price that bothers me; it’s the fact that so little effort was made. I love jewelry, and honestly in very polite ways over the years, made it clear that for big gift giving occasions, like milestone anniversaries…that’s what I would want. Those earrings, and an identical pair (sterling with Diamonique chips that time) were the entire extent of the jewelry he ever gave me. In 11 years of marriage.

      He bought OW a new chain for her cross (I kid you not) before I even knew about her. But I saw the credit card charge. Ugh.

      • I totally get this. My ex bought me cheap jewelry (sterling silver, diamond chips, etc), and I was lucky to get it. For his AP (now girlfriend), he’s treating her to $1,300 handbags. He was living “paycheck to paycheck” when I was with him six months ago…couldn’t pay his share of the bills and often needed to “borrow” (he hasn’t paid me back, and won’t) money from me. I don’t know where his money is coming from now. I’m guessing he was doing just fine financially but felt entitled to sponge off me for 3 years. Glad I kicked him out and went no contact after finding out about his affair with his married (now going through a divorce) employee.

  • He texted you two weeks before he took a vacation to Vegas to marry the skank to tell you he was having money problems? And to complain about how it wasn’t what he and the skank did but the company’s reaction to it that was the problem?
    Talk about displacement. He wants you to absorb the damage he caused and to tie you to the solution–hey, find my resume because if I don’t have a well-paying job I can’t pay what I promised to pay you (and it’s not MY fault but the company’s!). And yes, it is your problem, to the extent that if he doesn’t pay you you and daughter are in a financial squeeze.
    But you know what? Even if he gets another job, he will be reneging on his financial obligations to you for one thing or another: skank is pregnant, we HAD to buy a car, he’s fending off a lawsuit because of some alcohol fueled disaster.
    Don’t let this implicit threat of his turn you into his secretary–his resume is his to write. Just as his future is his to endure. And just as your future, and that of your daughter, is yours to be mighty in.

    • I think she should write the resume ….

      To whom it may concern ….”X” is a yellow bellied tick turd…hobbies include…being an asshat and deceptive ##@@$ …he didnt say he wanted a good one 😁

      • 😂I love it.

        Last employment: Tragically, unfairly terminated due to sexual harassment and terminal stupidity.

        Future ambitions: To take a trip in Elon Musk’s rocket and join the Miles Higher Club with my hot wife.

        References:
        Fred the Elvis impersonator from The Elvis Chapel in Vegas.
        Kandy the masseur and gentleman’s entertainment specialist.
        Joey Knuckles the personal loan consultant.

          • Great idea but I’m not waiting until Friday. This is too much fun.

            Name: The Asshole, Esquire.

            Address: A dreary bachelor apartment in Cheatersville.

            Current employer: The Canadian federal gubmint, generous enabler of two hour boozy lunches with mistresses.

            Future plans: I wish to continue to suck off the federal tit and check out the tits of federal employees. I’m looking for a lateral move to avoid an angry ex-lover.

            Special skills: Self-delusion, prevarication, partying hearty.

            Personal role models: Elon Musk and my penis.

            References:
            George, the bartender at Brewsky’s lounge.

            Harry, the clerk at the Couchez Avec Moi motel.

            Francoise, my psychotherapist.

        • Well, except you can replace “hot wife” with “someone newer to me than my new wife” because as soon as he has her nailed down he will probably start trolling for strange. It’s how they roll.

  • I’mconvinced that these stupid requests are a test to see if we’re still at their beck and call.
    I get them every so often.
    “Do you have the old joint credit card number?”
    I almost looked it up. Then I thought, “WTH am I doing?”
    Best answer is short and sweet.
    No
    I can’t
    I don’t
    I won’t

  • My divorce attorney said something to me during my divorce that I have repeated here many times: “You don’t wife for him anymore.” I don’t remember what it was my then STBX wanted me to do for him – gather some documentation about something or other but her words stopped me in my tracks. Nope, no more wifing, or secretarying or maiding or any other activity that one could expect from a partner but not a soon-to-be-stranger.

  • My ex cheated me out of a lot of money and possessions. But he was in a RAGE when he thought I threw out an old threadbare chair that was ‘his’. A total lather.

    Let him face the consequences of his own actions for a change.

  • He’s addicted to alcohol? You are so much better off to be done with him, Kay.

    He sees you as the fixer because that was your role in his alcohol drama–you were an enabler. You did the adulting while he could do whatever he needed to do to keep his supply coming, to stay connected to other alcoholics, to keep the mask of denial up and running.

    Thing will go downhill from here. He doesn’t have you to enable his addiction any more. OWifey is also a drunk. (I will idly speculate that the “abuse” of her XH either included alcohol on her H’s part or he was trying to “fix” her. Whatever.) The drinking has already resulted in job problems. And if you are imagining that the OWifey has some sort of magic v-jayjay that led to the office affair, think again. Your XH has been busy killing off the key cells in his brain and the bottle does most of his thinking for him. Bottles don’t look for magic v-jayjays. They look for the next bottle and some smokescreen to allow the drunk to pretend he’s normal.

    I was in love with and married to a substance abuser whose drug of choice was alcohol, but hey, cocaine can be swell, too, or Oxy. I was the fixer. I cleaned up his cluttered house, insisted on order. I organized finances. I saved money. I got his adult kiddo into college and figure out how to pay for it. I put my inheritance into the house. I worked overloads to make life comfortable. And so on. He couldn’t even find my mother’s dementia facility to be on time for her last birthday party. So I know what I’m talking about. I had obtained my full enabler card.

    Your X is contacting you because he wants off the hook financially. He plays at “good intentions” but like all addicts, he is monstrously selfish. I can make sense of the “stupid shit he says.” He’s a drunk. He will let you and your DD down over and over. Block him on text and phone. Use email. He is shopping for an enabler because his life is falling apart. Let him go. Don’t count on anything from him. Don’t provide that resume copy or help him apply for things or listen to his sad drunk story. Consequences. He needs them. Once he gets a new job, go to court and have the alimony attached from his wages.

    • Addicts, like Cluster Bs, target us because we are responsible. XBF (who kept his alcohol addiction hidden for 18 months because he is high functioning) didn’t even know how to set up a budget. Guess who helped him? And with eating in a healthy way? And with lots of other things? Guess who is not helping him now.

      • Yep. I had to teach my idiot how to wash his hands and wipe his ass properly. No joke. They are children, except meaner.

        • ^^THIS!!

          “Children, except meaner.”

          They never matured emotionally and are toddlers in adult bodies. Toddlers have meltdowns but don’t know how to be as nasty as an adult narc.

  • Hi Fellow Chumps,
    My divorce from Cheater Peter, 7 years ago, came with Alimony and a Promissory Note paid monthly for my half of the 11 stores we owned. The last payment was to be March, 2022. I was paid through June 2017. He sent a text informing me that he had to “suspend” payments until he could catch up on store bills.
    I waited until December, 2017 to contact him regarding Promissory payments. Of course, he was still struggling! Now in the meantime I knew about their many vacations, jewelry he bought her, lake house with the boat and all the toys, good for them, until my payments stopped! I finally contacted my attorney in January.
    My attorney was slow on getting this moving. We had first court appearance in December 2018 with the judge continuing to a trial scheduled for the end of February 2019. Well, I receive an email last week informing me that the bank froze his accounts and….no Alimony for me.
    During the process of this case we received all of his financials. Hmmm, he couldn’t pay me yet he had spent 145,000 at the casinos the year leading up to his “suspension” of my payments. 24,000 the month before he suspended!!!
    He now has only 3 stores left. Of course none of this due to his mismanagement, nope, it’s the employees, the economy etc!
    He still owes me $200,000 and alimony until 2022. I am 60 years old and this was to help in retirement. I don’t know what will happen at court but I doubt I will get anything. The reason for this long story is to tell you all…Do Not Wait to see your attorney if Any of money owed to you is being withheld! They lie, lie, lie. I found out soooo much from his financials, and I am afraid I waited too long. Don’t let this happen to you, Please! Hugs and blessings to all💞

    • Dolly. I have an honest question. No offense intended whatsoever. But why, WHY would you expect your cheater XH to run these 11 stores for you properly and secure your future? He couldn’t be faithful in your marriage because of whatever personality disorder. Why did you leave yourself out of being involved and watching those stores like a hawk? Quoting what I’ve seen here 50x today. You don’t WIFE for him anymore. Why did you think he would HUSBAND for you? I’m sure there are some sticky legal things here I don’t know about. But geez, there doesn’t appear to be any security for you here. At all.

      • I’m not Dolly, but here’s an answer: It was a divorce settlement. It’s either settle or spend years litigating. The lawyer said it was the best deal. And Dolly probably needs a new lawyer to sue him for what he owes.

  • No wife, no fixer. Just ignore further pleas for help. When it’s about your child, respond if needed and be succinct reminding him of his obligations. Do not engage in back and forth texting or emailing.

    I was the Dickhead’s fixer for 19 years. I helped with resumes, child support communication, getting out of arrears, making all the important phone calls, setting up appointments, etc. When he filed, I quit. I moved out first per his request and I left the attorney communication up to him as well as all the house sale stuff. He had to find the agent and he dealt with the bank and the title office. You want the divorce..you do the work.

    I’m waiting for the day when he contact me wanting copies of the tax returns as I have all the paperwork. Sorry Charlie, call the IRS.

    • At end of divorce process, I provided a copy of my income tax return prepared “married, filing separate”. I am a CPA and have handled all finances and taxes for 40 years. He went to an accountant (with my return) in order to prepare his. His accountant could not figure out what I had done nor, how to file his and they asked for my “tax work papers”. I refused saying that I am no longer his tax professional but was willing to complete his return for $3000. They refused. When I finally got a copy of his return, it was frivolous and fraudulent. I reported him to the IRS!

      • I had to laugh – they are such fuckwits that something like taxes are to be cheated too. I’m a volunteer tax preparer for the AARP (11th year) and I did all our taxes as they were pretty straightforward. This year, post-divorce, he’s on his own.

        • Miss Bailey – I used to prepare his US taxes. He is American. I’m not American, nor do I have a green card so I have no reason to file in the US. He thought I would continue to do that for him when he left me for the Skank! Nope Asshole, I hear they speak English at the IRS so put your big boy’s undies on and give ’em a call!

  • I was also the fixer in my marriage. I literally stood in court, in front of the judge, and told Dracula “the days of me stepping in front of you are over”. The OW, now wife, obviously can’t do the job of fixer as well as I did, as his life has been a mess for years.

    Stay out of, go back to court to get mandated alimony & child support. Start today, you might be able to get his federal & state tax refunds in garnishment.

  • Your daughter is 18, there is no reason on God’s green earth for you to have any direct communication with that person.
    You might consider changing his name to “NO” in your contacts to help remind you until you get in the habit. It takes time, distance and practice to see what a difference it can make to be truly no contact.

  • Out of several years of exquisite NC, the fuckwit mother of my children emails me. A preample filled with sparkly chit chat is followed with a request to fix something. “Would you send me your original birth certificate so I can use it to file for money from your Social Security account?”
    Huh?
    This is the woman who, besides the normal deception and lies that come with adultery, tried to surrepticiously wrest the house away from me with the aid of a banker friend.
    “No, I am not comfortable with that. Find another way.” (I should have stopped at no)
    As I should have expected, a week later I get a call from my son, asking me to give him the birth certificate and he will be responsible for it. And by the way, he and mom visited my 93 year old parents a month ago, but they did not have a copy of the birth certificate.
    “No! Please stay out of your parent’s business.”
    A day later another email from fuckwit. She still wants me to fix the birth certificate problem for her.
    “You did not respect me previous NO, you violated our divorce agreement by involving our son and you tried to con my aged parents. Hell no! Do not contact me about this again.”
    So far, crickets!

    • Be careful; all your Ex has to do is request an original b/c from the county of your birth, and pay a fee. She can get it.

    • She doesn’t need a birth certificate. She just files with Social Security and provides the date of birth for her, for you and the marriage date and divorce date. My XH had to call SS to verify the marriage. I didn’t even have to send the marriage certificate. So stop dealing with her. She’s lying.

      • That’s what I thinking too, LAJ. Otherwise, we would be chasing down people left and right. Doesn’t makes sense.

      • I was married to TEO for 12 years. He is 7 years younger than me, so when he turns 62 or when I turn 62, can I file ?
        This is all news to me.
        On the flip side, can he file against my social security?

    • File for money from your SS account? Why would she be doing that? Intentions of identity theft may be involved here, especially given her past attempt to rob you of the house. What a despicable grifter. Watch out.

      • If they were married for longer than 10 years she can collect on 50% of her XH Social Security benefit, which might be higher than hers. She can also collect on his while letting hers grow to maximum benefit at age 70.

        • Strad, that’s very interesting. I’m 48 and have some years to go before I have to cross that bridge as well as potential legislation changing. I was always under the impression that a widow or widower had the right to claim survivor benefits if never remarried after divorce and a former spouse passed away. What’s to stop either from pilfering each other? Lol. Hmmm.

          • It doesn’t work that way. It’s a government program. There is no pilfering. It’s not “survivor’s benefits”; it’s Social Security retirement.

            Once Mr. X retires and collects Social Security, his spouse can file for benefits at 66and collects 50% of the benefit paid to Mr. X. So if Mr. X collects $2400 per month, the spouse would get $1200. The couple must have been married for 10 years. This allows the spouse to wait until age 70 to collect full benefits under her own number.

        • Thanks. We don’t have SS in Canada so I’m clueless about the rules. We have the Canada Pension Plan which is probably the equivalent. Luckily for me, my cheater works for the feds so they’ll just send my share of his CPP and work pension to me upon request. No need to even go to court, they will send me half his salary as well. I feel badly for all the chumps who have to go to court to get what they have a right to.

    • My current husband’s ex narcissist (who he left approximately 15 years ago) just contacted him telling him that he HAD to co-sign a loan/second mortgage on the house he is still paying off for her, so she could get a new roof AND pay off her credit card debt. She could probably hear me laughing two towns over. Uhh, no he doesn’t. They separated 15 years ago! The “children” are in their late twenties. He gave her everything and paid alimony and child support despite the fact that he had 50% custody. I guess she figured once a chump always a chump. The response to her? CLICK……dial tone.

    • Bruno, would that count as identity theft if she does this behind your back?

      I would ask your lawyer how to protect yourself (possible C&D). It’s a huge red flag that she went behind your back and tried conning you via your son and parents. She’s serious and clearly doesn’t care about your boundaries.

  • Wow, they really all have the same stories, don’t they?

    My ex and I got divorced in 2016. OW and her ex in 2017. A few months later, they went to Vegas and remarried. Somewhere along the line, my ex let it slip to my kids that he had “gotten fired”. Turned out that OW’s ex went to their place of work and told HR that she, his boss, was banging my now ex. Both promptly got fired.

    He sent me long e-mails about his woes with OW’s ex and how he had gotten them fired. I did not read them. Not my problem. Once he got re-employed, I quickly went to court to have my alimony and child support withdrawn from his new employer. Less I have to deal with him directly.

    • He whined to YOU about getting fired for his affair?!? The delusion is real!

      You handled this perfectly: no contact with him, handle everything via the courts. Once we’re divorced, they’re not our problem anymore.

  • I get so many texts from STBX about the kids and how to parent and problem solve on his time. But not over arching behavioral issues or health stuff that i would anticipate facilitates working together when co-parenting.

    Instead it’ll be a text like “Son isn’t sitting down at the dinner table for dinner, how is he at your house…….” or “Daughter wont go to bed on time ever, hows she at your house……..”

    and my experience with him and those effing dots is a solicitation for me to troubleshoot the problem of Son not sitting down at dinnertime or Daughter not going to bed right away. seems like a non-issue to me.

    I almost exclusively answer those texts with “not a problem here” and move on with my day.

    This is the same man that told me he couldn’t give me his half of a medical bill and a soccer registration because he “only got $5k for a bonus and wont be able to provide extras” but then took AP on a trip out of state and multiple dates in the interm.

    So here i am, parenting without his help, or his money and he’s so far up his ass that he can ask me for help with shit i consider to be parenting 101.

    • This sounds like the inquisition of someone else… a new partner. If he wasn’t interested before, why would he be now?

      New Partner The Fixer: Be civil and kind and simple – ask how they’ll be better behaved. Involve her – she’ll love this!

      Ex: Okay.

      But this is not your problem. It’s theirs… wheeeee! Time for him to do his own parenting.

    • Keep them as evidence of his incompetence as a parent. You might need that if he and his bitch try for full custody just to be the evil, selfish scum they are.

  • Such BS. Apparently OW isn’t adult enough to help him fix stuff. Re the resume, too bad so sad. Go no contact, or use three words: “Not my problem.” And I agree with the others. Make certain you have copies of the emails or texts (especially re the wedding in Vegas and ring), and if he quits paying, for whatever excuse he has (and we know cheaters have PhDs in excuses), sic your attorney on him.

    Cheaters will do whatever they can to wriggle out of their responsibilities.

  • Meanwhile, just think of what a prize the OW won — a broke ass drunk. Who needs help with his resume.

    Cheater stories never fail to stun me with the stupidity and incompetence. And OW/OM actually think they won a prize!

    If I’d never experienced it myself, I’d never have believed these people exist.

  • I worked as a college administrator before I retired. Your daughter needs to go to her college Financial Aid office at her school and make sure she has applied for any aid she is eligible for. Many students can qualify for aid, but never apply for it. Also, many college business offices have payment plans. She needs to check to see if her college does. You can go with her, and bring your income tax return and any court documents with you, in case she needs parent information. There are grants, scholarships, student work positions, payment programs, employer aid programs, special club, church, or special interest programs available. No student should be denied an education if there is financial need.

    My dad was a control freak, among his other wonderful dysfunctional problems, including alcoholism. He decided during my first semester of college (I had graduated from high school with honors, and was making good grades, and had a student job at the time) that he would not fund the balance of my expenses unless I agreed to meet all his demands, which included never leaving the campus during the semester or dating anyone, at all. I was 18.

    Back then, only student loans were available to me. I met with my counselor, and student work supervisor. The helped me to find someone to assist me with the student loan application. They also networked on the campus, and soon I had many babysitting gigs, I cleaned an apartment for one teacher, I got a part time off campus job, and some of my veteran buddies told me about selling blood, and let me go to the blood bank with them. I concentrated on school work, and carried 17 or 18 hours a term, while doing all these jobs. I graduated in 3 1/2 years, magna cum laude. ( With work experience for a resume. ) My father was a college teacher, at a different school. He never apologized, or admitted he had been a total ass. We already had issues, this made our relationship even worse. I still remember how I felt when he threatened me. He bragged that I would come crawling on my belly, begging him to support me, begging to go back to college on his dime. Instead I found I could rely on myself, and had my own resources. He has had NO CONTROL over my life, and little contact as a result of his actions. Consequences. My life has been better without his involvement. Eventually, I completed my Masters, also with honors. I paid my student loans back, they covered my tuition.

    That which doesn’t kill you can make you stronger. Don’t let your creep ex off the hook, but let your daughter know she can make it without him. Be strong!!!

    • If your dad was a full-time professor, it’s possible that you could have received free tuition, as that is commonly exchanged among colleges. Prof A would get free tuition for his kids at his school. but DS-A who goes to another school. That school honors the “free tuition” because Prof C at that school has DD-C goes to another school who honors it. Just saying that he might have cheated you twice.

      • I went to a small private church related college in another state, to get away from the control freak. If he knew about tuition paid by his college, he would have jumped on it, he was notoriously cheap.
        He has cheated me my whole life, because he never would say I love you or I am proud of you. There was always something I could have done better or faster, and he didn’t want to “coddle” me. His parents raised him that way, and he raised his children that way. The child abused becomes the child abuser. I finally figured out I would never please him, so I stopped trying and learned to please myself. My mother did provide love and encouragement, but she could not stand up to him at that time, he was “allowing” her to get an advanced degree so that she could make a higher salary as a teacher. Her own father thought educating women was a waste of time and money. She ended up with a Ph.D in botany. It took her forty years, but she finally divorced him.

        She showed me how to survive adversity, and I will be forever grateful. I had to learn to stand up to an ogre on my own. Some may not understand the damage done by this type of abuse. There are no marks on your skin or broken bones. But not being considered good enough or worthy enough to be educated is a form of abuse that works on your spirit. You also think that the way your father acts, and probably future husbands act, is just the way men are, and you don’t expect any better. Fortunately for me I was stubborn enough not to let any of them defeat me, and I had a sense of self worth even though it was never encouraged in any explicit way. I also made a decision to NEVER treat my children that way, so the cycle of abuse stopped with me.

        The fact that one parent cheats on another is bad enough. When the children are abused and/or abandoned so that the cheater and AP can go to Vegas, and buy bling bling adds another layer of disgust. My dad didn’t go to Vegas, but he abandoned me emotionally, and cut off all assistance to educate me simply to prove he was the boss of me. I don’t know if he cheated on my mother, but he certainly cheated on all his children when he emotionally decimated us. I am sure that is why this type of post gets to me. I cannot stand to see the sins of the fathers visited upon the children.

  • I was the fixer for my Ex from the time we started dating when she was 21 and all through our marriage.
    I continued until after the divorce when she had just married the OM and was whining to me about all of her problems and I finally said “You know, you left me for the OM and HE is now your husband– not me so have him deal with it”. She was actually shocked since unconsciously I’d fixed all of her screw ups for 17 years at that point. I was done as “the fixer” and it has been liberating. Unfortunately for the cheater Ex, OM isn’t half the fixer that I was and I’ve heard from the kids that they argue constantly mainly about money.

    Ahh.. the blessed peace and serenity of Meh and your your retirement at being the fixer.

  • “Let him explain the financials of new ring, trip to Vegas, can’t afford ordered support to a judge.”

    Bruh. If there was any.single.expression of HOW VERY MUCH NOTHING OF HIS IS YOUR PROBLEM, this is it.

    They drunkedly discussed how they’d have been able to order Eggs Benedict in their room instead of getting presentable in order to go down to the free buffet IF IT WASN’T FOR ALIMONY AND PAYING FOR YOUR DAUGHTER TO BE EDUCATED.

    Fuck Them and Their “Problems” is the name of this game.

    Stay no contact. This is not your problem until he pays a lawyer to back up his bullshit.

  • You’re not his fixer and he can easily re-write his resume. What a lame excuse to get you to give him kibbles. Sounds like he’s already bored in his new marriage and wants to use you to triangulate. He can get another job and pay his support. He might need a letter from your lawyer to remind him that he’s legally obligated and better get job hunting fast. I would also look into whether or not he actually does get fired. Could be bullshit. He may have worked out a deal to keep his job but be lying to try to get out of paying up. I’d put nothing past this guy.

  • When you stop fixing things for a loser, you’ll be AMAZED at how much more time you have for things you enjoy and are personally meaningful to you.

    I was X’s wife appliance/secretary for years. Mr. “Tit-for-Tat” refused to do anything without something in return, and expected I would serve as the accountant, maid, chauffeur, and cruise director for the family, scheduling activities, planning holidays, coordinating school functions, etc. When he left to follow his bliss and I didn’t respond to his demands for continued service, he raged like a toddler. Until I paid my attorney to send him a letter threatening to file a harassment complaint.

    Now six years divorced, he still sends the occasional text or email instructing me to tell our sons something (because they don’t speak to him) then often follows my lack of acknowledgment with a rage text. I’ve filed a harassment complaint, but we don’t know where he lives to serve it.

    Silence is the best reply to a fool. And it’s remarkable how much more joy I have in my life.

  • My ex was the fixer/doer. He liked fixing things and he was also very particular about how things got done. At first it was so nice to be with somebody hard working, helpful, intelligent and competent. Eventually, it got to be tiresome, however. Whenever I tried to do something he would correct me because it wasn’t being done the way he would do it. Sometimes he just redid what I had already done. It made me feel inadequate and incompetent so eventually I just let him do things himself to keep the peace.

    Sometimes it would go too far. After he had quit his job and then wanted to move to a different state I told him “We can’t move there until one of us finds a job there”. The next day when I came home from work he put a job posting under my nose. I looked at it, told him that it did look like a good fit for me and I would apply. That is when he revealed that he had already completed the on-line application for me and all I had to do was sign it and submit it (at least he left that part for me). He also said he was going to update my resume first. I was shocked and hurt that he didn’t think I could handle filling out my own job application or updating my resume. I told him I would update my resume myself thanks. He tried to argue. I finally placated him by allowing him to review and comment (and later ignored half of it). When I went for the interview, he was trying to tell me what to wear and what to say and how to do my hair. I did end up getting the job but it wasn’t because of his help, it was because of my years of proven experience doing good work, my obvious knowledge of my field in the interview and good references. His total lack of confidence in my ability to apply for and get a job in my field was insulting. I had managed to get plenty of jobs in the past without his help. I guess he didn’t care so much about those ones, however, because until he decided to quit his job, he would have preferred I quit my career and just be a SAHM anyway. Suddenly, when it mattered to him, he tried to take control of the whole thing.

    Eventually, when our marriage blew up, he complained that he had to do everything for me. No asshole, you never had to do anything for me, I let you do things for me. I thought it made you happy and made you feel useful. Evidently it only made you feel superior. Well, he’s been out of the house for over two years now and somehow I am managing to work full time and look after/maintain the house and our three kids plus dog on my own and while I might not do everything as perfectly as he used to, it is good enough. The house is still standing, it is at least sanitary if not squeaky clean, the laundry gets done, the meals get cooked, the snow gets shoveled, broken things get fixed, the dog is healthy and happy, and the kids are turning out awesome. All in spite of my supposed incompetence.

    Sometimes ex still comes around and tries to fix something. Unless it involves the kids I say “No thanks. I go it”.

    • Sounds like a control freak. He doesn’t want to help out of the goodness of his heart but to feel superior and then hold it over your head that you’re incompetent without him. Typical abuser power move. Good riddance!

      • Cheaters are all alike except in the ways they aren’t. Some are incompetent in need a fixer like many described in today’s post. Others are competent, like my ex, but think they are the only ones capable of doing anything right and want to be praised for it.

        • Totally, and insisting the spouse be the fixer is as much about power and control as insisting on being the fixer themselves. I have a term for the clowns who need you to fix everything for them; the tyranny of incompetence. Yours, otoh, was a competence tyrant.

  • I was also the fixer for the Twat because “you speak better French than me, I’m no good with numbers, it’s easy for you …” and on and on ad nauseum! He was living with the Skank when his driving licence was finally cancelled (not just suspended – one DUI too many) and he had to show up at the gendarmerie! So I got “I’ll need you to take me there, then pick me up, then sort the paperwork, then bring me home” and so on. That was the moment I shut that shit down and told him I would do nothing more for him! The oldest son still sympathized with his dad to a certain degree so I told him he could wipe his dad’s ass if he felt that way! He soon got sick of it, I can tell you! The Twats pension is double mine but he’s now looking for part-time work “to make ends meet” and latest Schmoopie also went back to work after bragging about her retired status for the last three years. Schadenfreude anyone?

  • There are a TON of pawnbrokers in and around Vegas. Tell him (in your head only) to fly back there with Mrs. Schmoopie and sell her rock so he can pay child support !

  • In the final court appearances. My ex wife’s attorney wanted me to help repair the relationship between my ex and our children since it was non existent after being caught in several affairs. I told her attorney it’s really simple. The kids are looking for their mom to own up to the damaged she caused by having affairs with two of my son’s wrestling coaches, who my son caught red handed, and for having additional affairs with my kids friends father in Nova Scotia. Her attorney said, “my 16 and 18 year old son are to young to know the details and I should have the kids look past it because the kids need their mother in there life”. I said that’s not happening, what she did cuts deep with my kids and the fact she abandoned the them after he caught her, is not going to help those memories go away. My ex put on a sob face. So I agreed to have a family meeting when she is ready. Well, she never set up that meeting and she found yet another married man to fool around with. I really question myself why I put up with such deplorable behavior in my marriage

    • “my 16 and 18 year old son are to young to know the details”

      Well, maybe she should have thought of that before getting caught banging their coaches.

  • Oh, I’d forgotten these ones;

    – I’d always done all our taxes. After I kicked him out (bc of Affair #2), he was astounded that I didn’t plan on still doing his taxes, apparently indefinitely.

    – àfter I finally got him to move out, I made my budget and told him how much I’d need per month from him, given that he was taking the kids only 15% of the time, and that he insisted the kids and I stay in the family home (still as a joint property). He agreed to that amount right away, and started paying. Then every few months for the next several years, I had to hear him complain that when I did those calculations, I hadn’t taken into consideration how much he’d be spending on rent. The first few times, I explained that it was HIS job to figure out HIS budget, then to negotiate about child support etc, if my request didn’t work for him (even more so considering he’d had a promotion and raise,and I didn’t even know how much he made!). Then I gave up.

    He’s also the one who told me, when I said I wanted a defined financial agreement so I could budget and see what I could afford re vacations w/kids, etc, that we would just go on living as we had been. Forgetting we had re-fi-ed the house a few months before he decided to fuck around again, because we’d been living over budget. And that post-separation we had 2 households to maintain, on the same money (plus his trips back and forth to Shmoopieville).

    Did I mention he had an MBA, specializing in Finance?

    Yeah, KarenE would keep managing and fixing everything for him, and he could keep living in delusionland.

  • So many of these CL posts are of the “oh good grief yes that’s so true!” variety and this one is no exception

    For 20 years I’ve taken care of all finances, organising, supermarket shopping, driving kids to/from school, parties, etc. Yep, a true chump indeed

    And funnily enough just a few days ago STBxW asked me to help her update her Resume. However I agreed and did help her. Why? Because I’m a chump? No doubt about that! But there’s this opportunity she has in her home country. Actually quite a good one and something she would be quite suitable for and I know she hates living where we do in EU. So I’m secretly hoping she’ll get the role and they’ll make it a full-time thing and that she goes back there to live permanently (I’ll be pant-wettingly happy to stay here on my own with the kids free from her). Will it happen? Probably not but let a chump dream…

  • They see no reason why we wouldn’t continue to fix everyday life for them. And if it dawns on them that we are no longer their fixers, they throw a tantrum and tell everyone we are b… SMH

  • It is so satisfying and reassuring to know so many others have the same story…I’m not crazy or a b*#ch! So here’s the latest… last night he texts me asking for the name and number of the accountant who “does our” taxes. My response? “You and your WIFE need to find your own accountant moving forward.” And this, according to him, is how I’m “playing victim” and being “mean”. Whatevs, wasband. You married someone incapable of handling everything and now you need to get to work. As Chump Lady reminded me, you fired me from the wife job!

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