Dear Chump Lady,
The other night as the Super Bowl was just getting started, my 18-year-old daughter called me into her bedroom. Her dad, (my ex of nine months), had just called to tell her he was vacationing and got married in Vegas the day before!
Within five minutes he texted me: “Hey there. I just wanted to let you know that OW and I got married last night. I have nothing but good intentions with telling you this. I don’t want you to hear it second hand.”
My daughter saw OW wearing a “nice ring on THAT finger” at Christmastime when she visited them, but when she asked, they were silent about whether it was an engagement. OW’s divorce didn’t finalize until later that January.
To make matters more confusing, wasband texted me just two weeks ago asking if I had a copy of his last resume because he was about to get fired and really needs it, and making the alimony (aka college-age child support) payments is really hard since his demotion last summer from management (because OW was a subordinate coworker whom he managed and she was recently fired from the company — albeit with six month’s salary in return for signing a contract that she can never sue the company for sexual harassment by wasband). He said, “You wouldn’t believe the bullshit we’ve endured” (at work) and this is “killing” him because he knows I need the money to support our daughter who lives with me while attending the local college. He doesn’t give her any additional money because he believes the alimony he pays me is 100% to support our daughter.
Can you make sense of all the stupid shit he has said the past two weeks? I’m still processing. We are no contact otherwise and have communicated maybe three times in the nine months we’ve been divorced. He is a “hero” for rescuing his OW from an abusive relationship, though they both have alcohol addiction and abandoned their children to run off together, yet he still sees me as the “fixer”??
You need to inform your ex that Little Miss Boozehound Rescue Schmoopie there is his new fixer. He fired you from the wife job.
I know what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, but the whole matrimony thing conveys. You can’t leave it on the craps table. Lest he forget, OW’s got that blingy ring finger to remind him. He’s married. To HER.
Pro tip for OW: Don’t format the resume in Comic Sans.
Anyway, none of this has anything to do with you. You’re rid of an alcoholic user. You don’t need to “make sense” of his gibberish or write to advice columnists to decode it. He’s a train wreck. You jumped off the tracks. Yea you!
No need to absolve him of alimony either. You have a court order if he decides to welch on that. Again, not your problem how he comes up with the money. Sells a kidney, sells OW’s kidney — not your concern. Should it become a problem, you call a lawyer. You don’t discuss it with Mr. Sad Sausage there. He can have another improving conversation with the HR department.
That said, I would get in front of the money thing and tell your daughter she might need to take a college loan. Is it shitty that he would abandon support for her? Yes. And he’s the same person who abandoned his family, so, hey, he’s consistent. Not the sort of person you want to rely upon. Your personal sanity might be worth not needing one damn thing from him and having zero financial ties.
You may have to do the chump calculus of how much it costs to get a lawyer to enforce this, versus how much does he owe you, and what is it worth.
Is that fair? Of course not. Like many of us, you bred with a fuckwit. None of this is fair. I’m just saying an alcoholic with a propensity for sexual harassment lawsuits may not be the rock upon which to build your financial security.
Why does he see you as the fixer? Because you answered the phone. Because you listened to his “endurance” word vomit. Because you still have synapses that fire when he is distressed. Because you used to be of use, and maybe you still are! Worth a check. Or 17.
Anyway, he will pull this shit as long as you let him, so stop letting him. No calls, he can write. That’s documentation for future legal actions. Let him explain the financials of new ring, trip to Vegas, can’t afford ordered support to a judge.
Meanwhile, just think of what a prize the OW won — a broke ass drunk. Who needs help with his resume.
Congrats on your retirement from the job.