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Infidelity Valentines

It’s February 1 and you know what that means? Insipid displays of cut-rate chocolate and polyester teddy bears? No! It’s time for the Infidelity Valentine’s Day contest!

Send me a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day.

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

Check the archives for past chump cleverness. Do NOT — I repeat, DO NOT! — send me your sad, lugubrious freeform verse.

But Tracy, I really have pathos. What rhymes with heart-shattering sociopath?

(Fart-smattering Sylvia Plath?)

This contest is about SNARK and DERISION. If you’re still melted in a puddle of sadness and cannot point and laugh at the absurdity of Schmoopies, if you cannot find the rich vein of humor that is receiving jewelry from Tractor Supply (a previous year’s winner) — wait another season for the Snark Muse.

Lay it on me, CN! And TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
    • There once was a man who was sad
      So he cheated to make himself glad
      But his choice was a whore
      Because he was number four
      Now everyone thinks he’s a cad

      • I couldn’t have written one better myself, Laura! My EX is #4 for his Schmoopie!!! This made me chuckle. Thanks!

        • My ex is number 4, too! The Schmoopie was married 3 other times—once to a woman. She sleeps with ex #3 (with my ex’s permission??). I should also mention that they met on Craig’s list…one night stand turned twu love. They are both 50 years old—you’d think they’d have grown up a little by now. But nope.

    • There once was a man with some pluck.
      Who wasn’t too picky of his f@$ks.
      He led his two lives
      With almost two wives
      I wish he’d hear “bang” and not duck.

    • Sad and poor Limp Lucifer
      Needs Viagra to screw her.
      Thinks he’s mighty with his little nub
      Look! Behind that mask it’s Beelzebub.
      Just finished my drink, I’ll have another…

      Claims married life is such a bore
      Blew it up for his skanky whore.
      Excuse me while I gag and puke…oh brother
      I realize now she’s a clone of his mother.
      Liar and Cheater never more.

    • I once dated a guy with a wandering eye
      He’d see a shiny penny and off his pants would fly
      On every dating site he would hunt strange high and low
      He’d tell them he lived with a “Roommate” wouldn’t you know
      I caught onto his game and he is so very lame

    • This isn’t a poem at all, but we should talk! Mine says “it’s complicated” as well around his married coworker (both families have 2 toddlers each).

      Complicated? Really? How so?
      I’m dying to know, What’s so complex
      That you had to have sex
      With a married coworker, that ho?

    • There once was a husband named Tim
      Who thought life was all about him
      So he banged a whore that was as dim
      And now has a future so grim

    • I’ve really had enough,
      He blindsided me leaving me up the duff…
      And then came back
      To steal my money,
      But it really is quite funny
      That a tosser of this proportion,
      Gets caught with a whore
      And Denies it to the core
      Then gets slammed with a criminal police caution!

    • Narcissist Love bombs away
      And leaves one day to be with his new lay
      I get the house, kids, 1/2 the cash
      All his stuff goes to trash
      Am I so very glad I got away

    • Narcissist Love bombs away
      And leaves one day to be with his new lay
      I get the house, kids, 1/2 the cash
      All his stuff goes to trash
      Am I so very glad I got away

    • True words could it be
      Oh no! Never spoken to me
      Chump lady— ok— if it means
      I’m getting rid of the obscene
      Now to the start of reinventing me

    • There was a law student named Slick
      Who said: “Baby, my classmate got sick!
      Just some weird dizzy spell
      where she tripped and she fell
      On my hands and my mouth and my dick.”

    • For fucking a twat I gave him a swat
      he called the cops on me
      so the truth I told of the weed he sold
      and off to jail went he… not me!

    • My husband liked to raw-dog dirty bitches,
      His friends covered for him since they were not snitches,
      His sluts gave him VD,
      Which he passed on to me,
      I hate him more every time my twat itches!

    • Ok, I’ve been lurking for a while – and started composing a limerick which kept growing (there is also a haiku – but it has a bit too much info that might be traceable to me – I’ve told too many people in our small town about this site! Maybe next year, when hopefully divorce will be final.) Happy reading!

      Years of saving, with your loyal wife
      Busy working, we planned later life
      Now you spend big from bank
      On “our” trips with your skank
      Sometimes it cuts my heart like a knife

      Why so foolish to spout lies around
      So our staff try to put rumours down
      Then of course truth came out
      And soon spread all about
      Soon covering the whole of our town

      It can be hard to keep my head high
      Support from friends at times makes me cry
      Cuddle dog late at night
      Hope I’ll soon feel all right
      While I wave all our past dreams goodbye.

      Whatever the heck were you thinking?
      And how much were you really drinking?
      Consequences be damned?
      Did your conscience get jammed?
      Hope karma soon starts your life sinking!

      And I do still hear about you two
      And sometimes hope the gossip is true
      Seems some lies do come out
      While the two of you shout
      Seems that karma is now coming through.

      And the future looks brighter for me
      Off to places that I want to see
      But instead of with you
      It’s our child who makes two
      Angry with your infidelity.

      Twenty-seven years married to this
      Common jokes and past tales I will miss
      But you lied to my face
      So you haven’t a case
      To divert me, I’m reaching Meh bliss.

    • There was a New Jersey narc named Ted,
      Who cheated on me with a Utah red head,
      Schmoopie packed up all her shit
      To move in with my ex fuckwit,
      And now share Twu Luv in my old marital bed!

    • There once was a girl that was shared
      By me and another who cared
      To hear all her pain
      And her trust he did gain
      And to this day they are paired


    • Divorcing a man named Adonis
      Who thought not with his brain but his phallus.
      Neither morals nor vows were a match
      When he locked eyes with a new piece of snatch.
      This narc’s shame is on him, not on us.

    • Okay, I know I am late to this party but I couldn’t resist when the spirit moved me…

      Did me a favor
      But you won’t realize it
      Until its too late

    • There once was a boy named Sean
      Whose moral compass was gone
      The swings in his mood
      Make him one scary dude
      I’m glad we didn’t last long.

    • There once was a BOY named “Drew”
      Who was known to watch “a porn or two”
      He fucked MANY women,
      As many as seven,
      Then the divorce came…boo hoo.

    • There once was a cheater named Dan,
      Who scoured the network for a man,
      He screamed I’m not gay,
      I just need a lay,
      Now you’ve gone and ruined my plan.

  • Cheater Bombers fill our sky
    Mighty Eagles respond ‘one look one kill’
    Sad Sausages litter frozen ground

  • The South is best know for its drawl,
    My X’s dick for it being small…
    His hand it did play
    With it both night and day
    Now I dont”t have to see it at allll….

  • There once was a wife and a mother
    Who loved online gaming—oh brother
    She plied her fine whore-craft
    On World of Warcraft
    And now two trolls priests fuck each other.

  • My husband thought he was smart.
    He thought he’d perfected his art.
    But I caught him one night
    His cheating finally came to light,
    And now we’re living apart!

  • My ex once was generous and kind
    Realised too late he was talking out his behind.
    He was told he was good in bed
    His ow was psychotic, she must have been hallucinating.
    She claims to be a size 6, actually size 20, that’s some hallucination.

    All of the above is true. If the ow is reading this I say hi.

  • He bought jewellery with my money for skank
    But forgot I’d see it came out the bank
    Fuckwit thought he was clever that way
    By showing his love on valentine’s day!!

  • There once was a cheater named Bear
    Who used hookers and Ho-workers for affairs
    ‘But I never faked a snuggle’
    Like I’m some sort of muggle
    And now I don’t fucking care.

  • There once was a despicable louse
    Who refused to clean his own house
    A pregnant wife needing help
    Made him wallow and yelp:
    “Poor me! I need a new spouse!”

  • A dumb buckteethed girl without class
    Proved that my husband’s an ass
    No condoms, no shame
    He said I was to blame
    If this is love, thanks but I’ll pass

  • I tracked with a spreadsheet
    So much strange… meat
    With ‘Ay Papie’ escorting
    And other cavorting
    No wonder sex with me was a feat.

  • “Southern Gentleman with a Heart So Kind”
    Said your profile on Horny Singles Online
    Well you’re neither single nor cupid
    And I can’t fix stupid
    Bless your heart, the Clap nailed you this time

  • There once was a Howorker Sluterus
    Who warmed Cold Slab O’Meat with her pooterus.
    I’m no Pick Me Dancer
    My Cervical Cancer is a better companion
    In truthfulness.

  • There once was a boy named Hank,
    Whose sad penis needed a yank,
    He left his wife Debbie
    For a howorker named Debbie,
    Surely, this must be a prank!

  • There once was a wife who did long
    For her friend’s husband’s magical schlong
    “Dead bedroom!” was how she rewrote her marriage
    So her spouse she could blame and disparage
    When her friend, in her bed, found her thong

      • The day Mt St Helens blew. That was the day cheaterpants propsed. I mean, the actual day she blew, back in 1980.
        THAT was the biggest missed red flag of all!

        (Sorry / I am not a poet a I know it! So, I will spare my fellow citizens! Love all ya all)

    • I have to adapt mine to this. It’s too good it’s a good template!

      I don’t like Drinking
      But “beautiful girl” still does.
      All this pain for that?

  • There once was a man named Chad:
    A “country-boy” dressed in plaid.
    He fucked his wife’s sister
    He was a real PLOWING mister
    Until she took everything he had.

    ^true story.

  • He once thought his penis was made of gold.
    But EVERYONE knows it’s just tarnished and old.
    He’s getting fat off the new girl’s kibble
    And on her intuition, she’ll begin to nibble….
    “Schadenfreude!” The house of cards doth fold.

  • He named his online profile ‘ken sixty four sixty nine.’

    He created an Ashley Madison account because he thought he was fine.

    Born in 1964 with Kenneth his middle name.

    He was so clever he put a sex position in his online game.

    He used my computer, His work computer was off limits because …. can’t cross THAT line.

  • My wife, our whole life, she did say
    I bet you were cheating today
    Babe, I’ve been with no one but you
    Yet your vagina’s a zoo
    Why was I sad you’re away

  • Kelly was a dietician.
    She ranted always about nutrition.
    But I don’t really think,
    As she washed her hair in the sink,
    That she saw cum as a welcome addition.

  • There once was a cheater called Pete
    Whose phone with whores was replete
    Now the skanks that he fucks
    Don’t know that he sucks
    But I do so I’ve pressed delete.

  • There once was a cheater who was pregnant
    A Ho-worker became her vagina’s new tenant
    What fun she had with her boy toy
    Till her husband discovered her ploy
    Now she acts all repentant

  • I’m stuck in divorce limbo.
    While he carries on with his bimbo.
    The first attorney he fired.
    Three new law firms he hired.
    What an stupid, evil, NPD, Dumbo.

  • He appeared so loyal and true
    But was always looking for an easy screw
    Alas he was just a con
    Now that everyone has caught on
    He’s become a Facebook love guru

  • There was an old asshole who bought
    All his insatiable appetite sought
    Then he fucked a young Schmoopie
    (His spiritual groupie)
    But Oops! The old asshole got caught

  • He found two wet holes from Moldova
    So he fucked the one down in the vulva
    The one in the head sucked him instead
    Till he said my wife knows so it’s ova’

  • There once was a lawyer named Nate,
    His legal skills were less than top rate,
    I got more than half,
    It was a laugh,
    Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date.

  • Oh the lure of the magic vagina
    Gave him palpitations and bouts of angina
    Life wasn’t so sweet
    When he was kicked to the street
    Now his pity party can be heard in China

  • I told you my soul mate was she
    A woman who was our employee
    Our marriage I then threw away
    So I could seize my new day
    And too fucking bad you disagree

  • Snores to wake the dead
    Rotten breath; what was he fed
    Gravity takes his sack
    Let her shave his back
    Shaking my laughing head

  • As he approached 50
    He freaked out real nifty
    Thought his life was a bore
    Left to go fuck his whore
    We all see he is so shifty

  • There once was a travelling bachelor
    Who said he’s now tamed and wants no other
    But my love was no match
    For some whore-on-wheels-snatch
    So now they swap wiper fluid together.

  • Fell in love at a homicide trial.
    To avoid would be pointless denial.
    Let’s abandon our spouses,
    Blame-shift so they are the louses!
    Then bask in our self-serving guile!

    Of course there are casualties, true,
    But that doesn’t concern me and you.
    Our happiness is all that can matter.
    All else is just trivial patter!
    When love is this true, what else could we do?

    Who cares if we’re decades apart?
    True love is not age, but of heart.
    We’re such a cliche,
    But mustn’t dismay!
    We’re clearly too perfect to fart!

  • Once there was a specimen of a man, whom everyone treated wrong,
    Despite him being perfect, so clever, and oh so strong.
    His wife was so mean and controlling she made him suffer
    Between her and him, to feel better, he needed a buffer
    In form of a willing whore to serve and fuck him all night long.

  • “My heart” he said “I give to you”
    But to those words he was not true
    Instead he gave away his heart
    To some slutty idiot tart
    Which left me shocked confused and blue

    Ok, not very snarky but therapeutic anyway. I’ll see if I can come up with something snarky later.

    • Oh here ya go!!! This makes it all the snarkiest. Just can’t resist. These limericks and haikus are the Bomb. I’m reading this thread late.

      My heart” he said “I give to you”
      But to those words he was not true
      Instead he gave away his heart
      To some slutty idiot tart
      Which left me shocked confused, fuck you

  • Never tried a Haiku before. I’ll give it a shot:

    I thought he was smart
    He traded diamonds for shit
    I guess I was wrong

  • There once was a lying slutty mother
    Who fucked her old step-brother
    She was in for such a shock
    As she sucked his soft cock
    He suffered ED like no other!

    *based on a true story

  • There once was a man built of lies
    That he hid when his looked in my eyes
    But his whore was a blabber
    And good god he can have her
    If she only knew ‘bout his “I miss you” cries

    Now she was a sight to behold
    A tight body of a twenty-year-old
    Who blew up his ego
    That flew higher than an eagle
    And they’re soulmates – or so I’ve been told

    Now here’s where the story gets fun
    Love runs out when the money is done
    He feels so alone
    and wants to come ‘home’
    As I sit here and clean out my gun

      • It sucked until I could get her out of the house and finalise the divorce, but it has a happy ending.

        Mom’s toxic sh*t gone
        Three kids and father happy
        He got you; I win!

  • During sex, I’d hear my name
    Turns out, his is the same
    “I tried,” she bellowed and cried
    An excuse I found quite lame.

    • Same name? For real? That is just gross!! My ex called me “B” and most of his affair partners (that I know of) had first names that started with “B” as well. Coinkydink? I think not. 😀

    • OMG Tall One my ex shared the same name as his howorker’s (now) ex husband. The night I found out my first thought was “well at least she won’t get them confused in bed.” My second thought was “when did my life become a Jerry Springer episode!

  • He left for an EmoSlut of twenty
    Scars on her arms, there were plenty
    A crop top and ripped tights she wore
    To family gatherings galore
    He likes wetting his dick in a kid, evidently

  • “I did not cheat,” said he
    He said those words to me
    As I caught him red-handed in a lie.

    “This girl means nothin’
    and my dick I ain’t stuffin’
    I swear I’m an honorable guy.”

    “Forgive him!” they said
    “Be more adventurous in bed!”
    ‘Twas was my burden ‘to bear this strife.’

    I was chumped, but not stupid
    I play my own cupid
    “Leave a cheater, and gain a life.”

  • There once was a sad sausage who strayed
    His life was too easy, he had it made
    For granted he did take
    Everything – he loved cake!
    Now he’s a sad lonely sausage I’m afraid

  • At fifty, she was no longer sure
    Of all that marriage and family had in store
    So to the bars she went
    In search of a suitable gent
    To channel her innermost whore

  • Chumped and dumped was me
    Blindsided so suddenly
    It gave me angina
    To learn of her busy vagina
    At least it don’t hurt when I pee

  • Tis cheater’s birthday today-
    And no contact I continue to stay,
    But I can’t help but smirk
    At the thought of his “quirks”-
    As she fails to provide a proper soiree.

  • Boob Pics had to take a look
    Found a whore on Facebook
    She kissed his A**
    No thanks I’ll Pass
    Now whore is on the hook

  • Oh you made a new friend Michelle
    And said there was nothing to tell
    When I found all the lies
    It really opened my eyes
    So I said oh please go to hell

  • Limerick:

    There once was a lady whose life
    didn’t work as a cheater-man’s wife.
    So she got rather brash,
    tossed him out with the trash,
    and enjoyed a new life without strife!


    Immature adults
    can’t control their impulses —
    don’t deserve our time.

  • There once were two narcs into booze
    He drunk-tumbled into her cooze
    Twu wuv had arrived
    In a single muff dive
    Alas! They had spouses to lose.

    But karma the bitch had her fill
    Of cheaters and their secret thrill
    The wife got a tip
    New assholes went “RRRIP!”
    Wronged spouses went in for the kill.

    There will be no dancing of jigs
    No please-pick-me-polkas for pigs
    The most that they got
    Was a snide parting shot
    “Enjoy the rats in your new digs!”

  • I thought you were a catch
    But you were looking for strange snatch
    Predator, I just got you banned from Match


    I thought you fulfilled my wish
    But you were looking for another dish
    Predator, I just got you banned from Plenty of Fish

    (yes, this just happened–I informed both of his abusive, alcoholic predatory nature) Sweeter and more satisfying than a dozen chocolate covered strawberries!

  • Ode to Fucktard (haiku blowout)

    Not cheating he says
    Porn, texts, websites and chatrooms
    Harmless fantasy

    “This is not cheating
    I swear, no actual sex
    You are insecure”

    Evidence revealed
    “I never did anything
    You’re making this up”

    “I promise I’ll stop”
    I gave you another chance
    Believed all your lies

    Another woman?
    Just anything with a hole

    “I am straight, I swear”
    Paving the Hershey Highway
    Wifey in the dark

    Gaslighting Jedi
    Lying pervert – a sick fuck
    More STD tests

    Thirty-one years gone
    I never mattered at all
    I am not crazy

    What kind of person
    Tells child “I didn’t want kids”
    Disordered sicko

    I used to love you
    You made it easy to leave
    Don’t shit where you sleep

    Sad creepy old perv
    Looking to fill your black soul
    Hunting for some strange

    I asked a question
    All your fun, was it worth it
    Sad Sausage says no

    Consequences suck
    Entitled selfish asshole
    Hope your dick falls off

    Tried to destroy me
    My mantra: And Still I Rise
    Soulless cheating prick

  • Pillar of the Community II

    Tall poppy, white knight,
    Used car salesman, deadbeat dad,
    Wrecking ball, tire fire.

    Pillar of the Community I

    The weight of two faces
    Atop a jellyfish spine
    Is why your back hurts.

    Pillar of the Community III

    You are a tapeworm
    In the belly of a leech
    Stuck to a vampire.

    • I love it.

      I’m not saying you’re a mooch.
      I’m just saying that you are a tapeworm, in the belly of a leech, stuck to a vampire.”

      This will be my new go-to insult.

  • He quit a good job to be stay at home father
    Then insisted we move one state to another
    After that he really went loopy
    Had two affairs, ran off with Schmoopie
    Now that we’re divorced he’s no longer my bother

  • My wasband thinks himself a big Christian
    He made his dick his Kingdom
    He thought me a bore, found his newest whore
    Now he will be her husband number four

  • Ex on divorce number three
    Said love gods aren’t lucky for me
    The same divorce lawyer
    Once again he’d employ her
    Number four soon she will be

  • There once was a Jesus Cheater
    Who tried to get all his ho-workers to tug on his Peter
    At midnight God woke me with a startle
    Cheater and his whore were doing something carnal
    And now my life is so much sweeter

  • There once was a wife from the shore
    Who was really no more than a whore
    With no guilt or remorse
    She’d fuck the most coarse
    At least my ungrateful kids I adore

  • My husband of 33 years
    Got bored reducing me to tears
    So, off he ran with his ho-worker
    Who turns out was nothing more than a loser
    Finally, I found MEH and made a life unclouded with fears

  • I.
    Cheaters don’t care who they destroy
    In their search for a shiny new toy
    Family ties don’t matter
    As our lives they batter
    Without an original ploy

    Chumps do not despair
    Soon you’ll be walking on air
    As soon as you go NC
    You will begin to see
    You’re best when your cheater’s not there

  • Was showered with TWO dozen roses Valentine’s Day last year
    Card read ” I will love you forever and ever, no fear”
    Took a “business” trip with his whore to Australia the following week
    Had my PI waiting at the airport for a few pics and a sneak peak
    I live in a fault state- reap just what you sow asshole!

  • Schmoopie looks like a Naked mole rat
    I can’t believe I was married to that
    He advertised his vasectomy
    Now he means nothing to me
    Two cheaters married…gonna go splat!

  • In loneliness, a mistake, I’m ashamed
    I believed in the words that he feigned
    When financial acrobatics
    Stopped covering his tactics
    Lies and hookers were all that remained

  • I was a faithful and tolerant wife,
    Stabbed in the soul with your fucking-whores knife.
    Now I’m doing Kon-Mari
    And sorry-NOT-SORRY
    But you don’t spark Joy in MY Life!

  • A family man he pretended to be
    With an expense account that made his “dates” free
    But screwed up when in his work truck
    A married coworker he did fuck
    And when caught with the whore he did flee

  • A dumsel had a strong yin
    “Give her the boot so I can move in!”
    Well we had a quick chat
    Which clarified that
    I shat on her dreams to cash in.

  • Ten years a duplicitous life
    I’m ashamed I was ever your wife
    No integrity, its true
    And now they all know too
    you’re to jail for contempt where its rife

  • Valentine’s Day was my Dday.
    He begged, oh why couldn’t he stay
    I kicked him out
    Have a new boyfriend to tout
    This year I’ll have a much better Vday

  • There once was a serial cheater
    Who had an insatiable peter.
    Found out he fucked women and men,
    I kicked him out then.
    And life can only get sweeter!

  • You don’t hate them, you don’t care
    Called the fuck you stage
    A narcissist hates being nothing

    No soft sweet smile for you to see
    I lost that, you took me to my knee
    Betrayal felt like I was dying
    All those years that you were lying
    The gift is that now I am free

  • There once was a sparkly turd
    Who never would keep his word.
    He got on his knees,
    And begged “please, please, please!”
    My answer was to flip him the bird.

  • He once had a wonderful life,
    and a sweet and affectionate wife,
    Fucked some strange cooch,
    Damn! he screwed the pooch,
    now his world is full of strife.

  • There once was a mother of 4
    She needed another man to adore
    Things got heated then she cheated
    For her to be faithful nevermore…

  • He was arrest while going for a run
    Indecent exposure and life as a sex offend begun
    Told me he was innocent and chumpy me believed
    13 years later he went for another run: his girlfriend he received
    And my life as a chump is done!

  • My EX had a mobile sex truck,
    Used with his internet whores to fuck,
    What I heard from my hired PI,
    “Get away from your sex addict guy,
    Call your lawyer right now and good luck !”

  • 30 years with a real piece of work
    Even neighbours think he’s a jerk
    He’s like a mean spider
    His jowls are much wider
    Psychopathy is more than a quirk

  • There once was a husband so shitty
    And his dick was so itty-bitty
    That he searched far and wide
    ‘Til he found one that lied
    She said he was the best in the city.

      • Thanks, but it didn’t feel so funny at the time. But now I just picture his fat, old, sweaty, naked body on his knees in front of another fat, old, sweaty guy and laugh at the ridiculous mental image. It’s nothing to do with their bodies or the sexual activities they prefer. It’s that he thinks he is so very sexy and attractive and vehemently denies that he has any attraction to men. First, dude, look in the mirror. Second, if you aren’t attracted to men, then why are you having sex with them? I admit that I spackled for more than four decades, but he is positively the champion of spackling when it comes to himself. Totally delusional.

        • Same here. I keep telling him to come out stop hurting women guys will be in to you fucking around. He says he doesn’t like guys. Even though he kept on fucking them? Come out you closeted cuckold.

        • Same here, he will never admit to being gay, only bi, because he was married for 40+ years, so, can’t be gay.

  • (I forgot I was supposed to be snarky.)

    I said, “Oh that’s right!”

    “There really is a penis!”

    “But you have no balls!”

    (And honestly, I really did say this to him. I was livid! I pulled back the shower curtain and screamed nearly at the top of my lungs. I did not know that I was saying a Haiku.)

  • Was that the best you could do?
    Damn, you’re not even a good screw
    Must have been quite hammered
    Woke up to a whore and stammered.
    At this point in life you’ll do.

  • Slept with our best friends wife
    Ran off to a shiny new life
    She had a new pregnancy
    But you’d had a vasectomy
    True Luv had a short shelf life

  • Sad sausage cheated on me
    OW won the dance, with glee
    She wanted him
    He has been shot in every limb
    And now I live almost free

    Calls me to say he can’t pay
    Its been a year come what may
    State says now you can’t drive
    Must suck being alive
    Cant wait for court day!

    *one year no child support paid.

  • Sex with ho-worker
    Means consequences for him.
    I’m gaining a life!

    Divorce process yields
    More lies from Cheater Playbook.
    He will never change.

    Ho-worker, he’s yours.
    You can cheat on each other.
    I don’t want him back.

    Healing’s a long road.
    Blessed to have found Chump Nation.
    Thank you Chump Lady.

  • Gonna have to double barrel this one:

    My lawyer requested disclosure
    His lawyer conveniently died
    So I went on a hunt
    His lawyers alive
    So he must be looking for dodgy advice

    I’ve already seen the company books
    There’s definitely something fishy
    Then just last night
    A letter arrives
    It’s a bank account! My hunches were right!

  • He met a new “friend” at a wedding
    One he thought was fit for bedding
    He made his approach
    She said “don’t be gauche”
    And now our marriage is ending

    (Yes, this happened at a family wedding we attended. He knew her 20 minutes and tried to pick her up right in front of me. What’s wrong with these people?)

  • She slathered her crotch with cheap ointment
    And rushed to their clandestine appointment
    He’d never deceive her
    If she’d bare her beaver
    Dream became delayed disappointment

  • He once was married to a chump
    Who couldn’t throw him out on his rump
    The theft and dating profiles online
    Happened a few too many times
    And now the guy lives in a dump

  • You wanted to make me your wife
    You said that we’d have a good life
    But your penchant for strange
    And the fluids they exchange
    Has caused me nothing but strife.

  • The things you did with strangers was weird
    And a fatal STD I so feared
    ‘Cause YOUR unsafe sex with guys
    Could have lead to MY demise
    I am so tired of being your beard.

  • I thanked you for your husband
    Stated the best lover I did land.
    He said he suffered from abuse
    After 41 years you cut him loose
    It’s only now I understand.

    After waking up daily drenched in pee
    Faking ogasms twice daily
    Driving the drunk when we go out
    Listening to complaints and seeing him pout.
    He spends more feeding birds than on me.

  • I saw your naked pic on your phone
    You only had half of a ‘bone’
    If that was the best you could do
    (And with a little blue pill too!)
    Then it’s no wonder you are all alone.

  • After 5 years of life I spent
    He expects me to pay the rent.
    My future according to him
    Is living in a trailer,roof caving in.
    His pump just broke and his penis is bent.

  • You think you are so great in bed
    But buddy, that’s all in your head
    I always had to fake it
    Because you just don’t make it
    I’d rather clean toilets instead.

  • unfortunate man
    once married to me
    I was sooooo difficult

    New OW fiancee
    shrieks at children
    Fridge magnets!Mess!

    It must be a relief
    to live with someone
    so calm and easygoing

    Except now she won’t move in
    No date for the elf wedding?

    And as for me-
    New job,new life
    New Quaker parrot

    She likes to cuddle
    Tucks her head
    Right under my chin

    Its sad that a grown man
    knows less
    than a baby parrot

    Hope is the thing with feathers
    that perches in the soul
    and sings the tune without the words
    and never stops at all
    (apologies to Emily Dickinson. It just occurred to me right then that i have found a new tattoo for that blank space on my left arm.)

    • I love this! Fellow Quaker parrot mom. They are so cuddly and sweet. I think the only bird that loves to be hugged!

  • There once was a woman who strayed
    And once caught, she backpedaled, and prayed
    That her husband would fall
    For her lies, one and all,
    But he Gained a new Life, I’m afraid.

    • Just because I’m a perfectionist, I don’t like that I used the word ‘once’ more than…once.

      There once was a woman who strayed.
      She was caught, then backpedaled, and prayed
      That her husband would fall
      For her lies, one and all,
      But he Gained a new Life, I’m afraid.

      • Better. Two onces … nah.

        Same here btw. Laid the lies on thick, assumed over-forgiving wife would be in default state of trampled boundaries.

        Uh uh. Gaining My Life now, 2019 – bring it on!

  • D-Day was not fun for I
    He left his laptop open to spy
    He watched with great Glee
    How he was planning to leave me
    All through the lens of his camera eye

  • Oh Evil One, how I loathe there
    How traumatic it was for me
    You skipped off with dumbass
    My heart was like a dead carcass
    Though you never see nor agree

  • Someday soon I hope
    You will be at the end of your rope
    Oh Karma bus speed up!
    Roll over his big ass hump!
    Some days I just can’t cope

  • On a cold autumn night in October
    She decided her marriage was over.
    She was hesitant, though,
    For her husband to know,
    Because then she would lose the Land Rover.

  • Ode to Lord Cheater Pants

    There once was a Narc from the Midwest
    He decided his Ho-worker kibbled best
    He dumped his wife, kids, & dog in a flash
    “Twu Wuv” not to be thwarted by vows, history, or Schmoopie’s love of cash
    Ex-wife to waste no more years, bullet dodged, feeling blessed

  • The cheating police officer wife, for fun
    Spread her legs for married Sergeant’s “gun”
    She then ignored and gas-lighted her hubby
    So she could pursue Sgt Dick’s chubby
    She’s single, now that her marriage came undone

  • There once was a wife who was blind
    To her husband’s perv frame of mind.
    Instead of delivering mail
    He was out chasing tail.
    Now divorce papers will be signed.

  • There once was a man who loved Dick
    Kept secret, oh boy was he slick
    But he finally got careless
    He wanted to be hairless
    Shaving body hair was a good tip

  • There once was a man who thought he deserved great
    His wife failed to please him and challenged his fate
    He went out to look for his new true love
    Because one wife at home is just not enough
    He needed his dick blown by a trashy soulmate

  • You chose to trash our marriage vows
    For a skank with fucked up eyebrows
    Completely bankrupt was she
    I hope it burns when you pee
    Half of all you own is a lot for a hausfrau

  • There once was a compulsive liar
    Whose pants seemed forever on fire
    Said, “I’m sorry” when caught,
    Well, I’m certain he’s not
    Now I’m free of the adulterous quagmire

    And another

    There once was a lying bedswerver
    Who turned out to be quite a perver*
    His wife figured it out
    And he started to pout
    Fucked his way to twu wuv in a fervour

    *silent “t”

  • My wife is a prudish old nag,
    Living with her has become such a drag
    She never lets me out of my box
    So I can suck cocks
    And fuck the neighborhood skag.

  • She was a “friend.” It wasn’t random.
    But he wanted two women in tandem.
    The wife said, “That’s not right.
    He’s so full of bull shite!”
    Now he just has his Pornhub fandom.

  • “Oh mother, why so hard on Dad?”
    She says, “What our son speaks is so, so bad!”
    When the facts come out,
    That she was tramping about,
    We realized we’d all been had…

    “She is so sweet!”, was the word
    That was so often heard
    Her actions confused even me,
    But she turned out to be
    Just another sparkly turd.

    The school was all a twitter
    That they were doing it in the shitter.
    It required no TP.
    It really was creepy.
    She turned out to be quite the critter!

  • There once was a cheater named Tim
    Who thought only about getting some quim
    He lied to his wifand fucked up her life
    And now he must live with just him

  • IThere once was a Troglodyte cheater.
    Who said to his kids, “You should meet her.”
    A ring for my Schmoops,
    With your college fund -oops!
    He is quite a true bottom-feeder.

  • Imagine a cheater convention
    All the OW seeking attention
    The roar of I,I, I, I, set in motion
    All seeking instant devotion
    Not a one getting honorable mention.

  • Found out I had cancer V-day
    Thought husband was awesome whole way
    But then I discovered
    My “best friend” was his lover
    Thankful she whisked asshole away

  • “If I Died, Would You Marry Another?”
    Was a book that he gave me – oh, brother!
    It was classic projection
    And I’m done with rejection.
    The sick fuck has has run back to mother.

  • Completely obsessed with his cock
    In lying he got a postdoc
    But he’s a bed wetter
    My lawyer was better
    I got loads of cash and the Glock

  • There is a cheater who has no heart
    With his family he chose to part
    All that matters to him is the money
    He robbed us of our milk and honey
    To impress his now wife with a running head start

    For made my life hell for thirty long years
    His betrayals and lies brought me to tears
    Thank God he is gone
    And I have finally moved on
    To enjoying my life without any fears

  • What is it with guys named Tim?

    He filled the whole house with his shit;
    No space for me anywhere in it.
    When he went to France
    Well, I took the chance
    To walk out on that counterfeit.

  • This is a lot of fun Chump Lady! And extremely therapeutic. Snark is challenging for this chump, but I think I am learning. Perhaps this version is snarkier than my previous effort:

    His cold, shrivelled heart.
    As small as but much harder
    Than his tiny dick.

  • Wow… so much amazing talent!!! There should be a book of poems written by chumps. All of these are great. Who can pick just one? It’s like the old potato chip ad– you cannot eat just one.

    Okay… here are a mine. But, a huge waiver first. All of these are auto-biographical and they are very disturbing in nature. Why?….Because some very disturbing things have happened in my life. Also, my main ex that I complain about is not the only man I dated during my life who cheated. So, these are about various men and all are true as well as the outcomes. Please have a strong stomach because some might trigger.

    The Cheap Bastard Named Mark (Limerick)

    There was a cheap bastard named Mark.
    He loved to have sex in the industrial park.
    The other woman said, “I just want a bed.”
    Mark replied, “it’s not required to give me head,”
    What did she expect from a cheating narc?

    **Note: About my very first boyfriend. I broke up as soon as I found out about what he was “up” to when he claimed he was studying.

    The Whore from Southeast Asia (Limerick)

    There once was a whore called Anastasia.
    This temptress hailed from Southeast Asia,
    She handcuffed my fiancé to our bed,
    She sampled his pathetic French bread,
    And this stupid skank gave me cervical dysplasia.

    **Note: This is a reference to the stage one cervical cancer I got after my ex cheated for several months with a woman from SE Asia. This lady also attempted to take my house. I let her have him, but not my house–the house was sold.

    Secret Peanut Butter (Haiku)

    What is her allure?
    A peanut butter sandwich,
    When the lube is gone.

    **Note to readers. This was an exchange I found that went on between a woman an ex hooked up with. It was about the peanut butter sandwiches she was willing to “take” when there was no lube. I looked up the meaning of “Peanut butter sandwich” on the Urban Dictionary and I threw up. Look it up for yourself… I had no idea people were THIS SICK.

    The (Not So) Single, White Female (Limerick)

    There was a slutty mom named Julie
    She liked to treat me very cruelly
    She photo-shopped herself to look like me
    She dreamed of her poach with tremendous glee
    Now she is six-feet under and acting very coolly.

    **Note: Based on the events of the past year. My husband’s former coworker passed away from what appeared to be an HPV-related cancer. After she died, another woman (who was her best bud) posted all kinds of photos of her online where she had been photoshopped to look like me. I sent them to my best friend and her jaw hit the floor. My friend said, “You barely missed a single, white female situation in real life.” (No kidding)!!!!!!!! And this is why I am here. It seems odd someone would have professional photos taken and have them photoshopped to look like me. (For those who know me in person, the intentionality is impossible to miss). The lady had several different kids by several different men. I know she had a crush on my husband and wanted to poach him. Beyond that, no one is talking. The only evidence I have is that I found photos online where this (deceased) lady was photoshopped to look like me and these photos are on the website of one of my husband’s other female coworkers (who was deceased lady’s friend). They are nowhere on my husband’s computers that I know of. I asked him if he would tell me what happened and his answer was that she is dead and “so she is no longer a problem.” That’s a direct quote. Suspicious? Of course!! I am NOT stupid, especially since this is the field I work in… writing self-help stuff about marriage. But, I am coming up empty on evidence. I am pissed as hell. If I get concrete evidence, I will be out the door. Please wish me Godspeed that I find something soon – one way or the other – because I HATE limbo. And I don’t want to have another scare with cervical cancer. My ex-fiance gave it to me due to his OW. If I find out there was a physical affair between my H and the deceased lady, I will go and nothing could make me return. I am also sure I will be done with men. I have enough hobbies and projects to keep me busy for a lifetime and I don’t want the drama many men bring. I adore my sons, our dogs, and all my other creative side-projects. Men will no longer be on my radar and in fact they are already off my radar. Enough is enough.


    • Don’t wait; you do not and cannot trust him. He’s made it plain what his life priorities are, and you arent anywhere on the list.


      • Hello SoldieringOn,

        Totally agree with you and that’s where it will head and I am setting concrete plans in motion. Can’t say much – because he knows I read this blog.

        This is a great site and gives me tremendous strength each day.


    • Sarah, you’ve listened to and helped me so much. Going to tell you something you probably don’t know you’ve given me. My attention to my intuition. I’m going to ask that you use yours. Period! (((((Hugs)))))

  • PS-
    Safeway is selling stuffed animal, ice-blue unicorns for Valentine’s Day. I thought ice-blue was an interesting choice of color for a stuffed animal unicorn meant to be bought as V-day presents. I bought two of them so they can sit as a pair on my desk.

    I can’t help but wonder if whoever designed the unicorns reads this blog and chose to make them ice-blue because they know it will be a cold day in hell when someone actually locates a REAL one. LOL.

  • Roses are dead.
    Violets weren’t true.
    Your shit is stinky
    But less so than you!

    (I know this doesn’t fit the requested poem patterns but enjoy the Valentine’s snark!)

  • One life – was two.
    Mine was true.

    You stayed a batchelor behind the family mask.
    Pretending your life as a hot shot lawyer was such a task…

    It enabled you kibbles & sacks of fun
    While I stayed at home – the loyal stay at home mum

    26 years together and only a few years ago finally got some “ proof”
    And finally your duplitious life went “ poof”

    One night stands . So many co-worker affairs. Sex sites. Hook ups and tinder accounts.
    ILYBNILWYA when you found “true luv” –
    A 26 yr old junior hockey playing colleague – so wife and kids get a shove!

    A lie
    A sham
    A duplicitious bastard.
    A user
    A player
    A parasite

    So roses are red violets are blue
    You are nobody to me anymore

    The end.

  • I am a chump. But I am a fantastic honourable loving and kind human being. I have wonderful friends. My life exploded – but I am still ok with who I am. My values my morals….. with me.

    I like me.

    Sadly I encountered a player narc who used me and my hard working ethic – I had worked so hard for years at uni and after in a a tough career where I did really well – and and he benefited enabling him to retrain as a lawyer – on my income. Then I have kids ( late) ansbecaome a SAHM and he goes off to work ( and play). That was my reward …

    But whatever.

    I am still me. And after finding this website I am so back to who I was b4 becoming in effect a submissive subservient wife … because I couldn’t be bothered to argue with him all the time…

    Proof & Tracey gave me back “ my balls” from years ago to fight the fucker……

    I now regard myself as a Phoenix.

    So strong and powerful and REBORN.

    Thankyou to everyone on this site. You alone gave me the strength to find me again and fight for ME.

    Roses are red violets are blue
    Tracey and chump lady people –

    I really really really do love you!

    The end.

    • And now you are an inspiration. The reward in the end my friend is being mighty.

      This is for you Chumped Big Time

      Mighty comes with the balls to fight
      Reborn as a Phoenix feels just right
      No longer a submissive subservient wife
      I took back what was mine, my life.
      Now soaring, soaring upwards with might.

      • Doing me…

        I don’t know how to respond.. but with a sincere Thankyou .

        You have made my day you lovely person..

        I am going to print that off .. because today. That is ME.

        And all thanks to you & everyone here…

        You gave me my life back!

        Xxxxxxx ???? ????

  • Tracey – how about a topic on “ Phoenix rising”

    I love hearing those strong ???? stories from chumps who rose through from the ashes of the fires???? of devastation and emerged stronger and ballsier than ever!

    They have been and still are my inspiration….

  • I swear he just thought he was God,
    And that I’d jump when he gave me the nod,
    He swore to the Almighty,
    He never pulled up her nighty,
    But yeah you did you dirty old sod!

  • He moved us 800 miles away
    To locate us 28 miles from his lay
    His family he divorced seeking his Bliss
    He was caught by his job and dismissed
    And now he and the whore no longer play

  • There once was a mother of 2
    Who thought one wasn’t enough to screw
    But she’d give up her life
    To blow another mans Fife
    And find ways to blame it on you

  • There once was a cheater who craved young pussy from China
    He searched Craigslist and massage parlors for tru-wuv vagina
    Happy endings and blows
    Drained retirement account paying hoes
    Elated he’s no longer mine; ya!

  • A “shy pilot” who thought he was hung,
    Liked to chase women covered in dung.
    But his wife watched him tank
    When she cleaned out the bank
    And left him alone with the skank.

    To his wife such great love he professed.
    And those skanks, they were only a test.
    She said “No thank you honey
    I’ll just take your money,
    Those skanks and their sleaze fit you best.”

  • There once was a wife from Kent
    Who’s neighbor’s dick was so long it was bent
    To keep out of trouble
    She stuck it in double
    And instead of coming he went

  • Did I really do a pick me dance
    with a man who lied about the diseased dick in his pants
    His cheating was all in my head
    Don’t leave me, he manipulatively plead
    Down I fell from my confident stance

    Because, see, there’s a heck of a lot more
    He was also a sugar daddy to a whore
    A stand up man in the community
    He expected impunity
    It’s not what you think, he did implore

    8 more women I did discover
    he texted them all one right after another
    If I was the love of his life
    he sure found a way to stab my heart with a knife
    This man was nothing like my standup brother

    Gaslighted, a new word I added to my vocabulary
    Sociopath, too, a natural corollary
    Blameshift, he did
    And then I found out about his illegitimate kid
    Yikes, my fairy tale beginning became ever so scary

    See, I fell hook, line and sinker
    For a man who lied about everything, including his herped dinker
    In the end, phone records proved I was right
    It’s beyond me, how he could sleep through the night
    Cheaters. They all belong in the clinker

  • If you’re hurting because of the fact
    That your previous marriage contract
    Was just one great big lie,
    Gain a Life, Say “Goodbye,”
    and get going with your No Contact.

    It scans quite nicely, and now I know what ‘anapest’ means. Thanks, CL!

    • Improved:

      Are you hurting because of the fact
      That your previous marriage contract
      Was just one great big lie?
      Fuck that bitch, say “Goodbye,”
      And get going with your No Contact.

      Because everything is better with fucks and bitches.

  • There once was a terrible lay
    Who loved sex?? – at least that’s what he’d say.
    He sneaked off, an affront!
    But I pity her cunt.
    I suspect that he’s closeted gay.

  • (And one more, inspired by a true story, that I’m chuckling too much not to share – and then I’ll endeavor to be done. This has been fun and quite therapeutic!)

    There once was a female annoyer
    Who smiled as she rode her employer.
    She came back from the ride
    Feeling herpes inside
    And the smile on the face of my lawyer.

  • As he walked out the door he cried (boo hoo),
    And called out to me, “I’ll always love you!”
    But he couldn’t deny his fate,
    As he’d found his soulmate.
    What a mind fuck! But today I’m reborn anew!

  • The child she said wasn’t mine
    By then who knew truth from the lyin’?
    The semen on undies could well have been Sunday’s
    When she fucked him right after cryin’

  • There was an old man with a grey beard
    Who’s Stepford wife said It’s as I feared,
    Two hookers, ten skanks
    Some guys too, gee thanks!
    I loved to spend V-day getting pap-smeared!

  • Since we are both EMTs
    I suppose I kind of can see
    How fucking your medic
    Would be copacetic
    On shift at Station 193.

  • There once was an asshole named Ed
    Who liked to pay hookers for head
    Crying, “Whah! Take me back!”
    Well I’ll pass on that, Jack
    So glad to be out of your bed!

  • I paid hundreds to the IRC
    So they could blame it on me
    The whole thing seemed shady
    Till I found ChumpLady
    Now divorce papers will set me free

  • Dementor Dad left our family vacation
    At our house he had Craigslist gyrations
    With rage texts and suing
    His venom keeps spewing
    My Patronus is shaped like Chump Nation!

  • There once was a man with a collar
    Who worshipped the almighty dollar
    Schmoops Great Aunt had died,
    So he cheated and lied…
    Now she can dance pretty and cry.

    There once was a twat names Miss Piggy
    Who’s chest, ass and tits were too biggy
    X’s dick it did slip
    While away on a trip,
    But we’re just friends he replied!!!

  • Day and night she got secret calls
    skulked her way through seedy hotel halls
    sex sucked with that hog
    Wish I’d been born a dog
    At least I could lick my own balls

  • Your excuses became rather flighty
    Imploded the family, how untidy
    Oh how you lied
    I thought I had died
    But good riddance, I am now feeling mighty

  • Back then she was known as Kathi
    A cute chick that tickled my fancy
    Imagine my surprise
    To find she was in disguise
    And was really the Queen of Immorality

  • Enjoy the restaurants I took him to
    Listen to future faking he will spew
    He’ll retire in three years
    Soon you will own my old fears
    Thanks for being his needy screw.

  • He thought he was mighty on his polo horse
    Never one to believe women were after his cash, of course
    Oh he lied to each and fucked them all
    Till one bore his child last fall
    Now his PB reputation is far far worse

  • You stalk the internet looking for prey
    Pity the teen who crosses your way
    But the joke is on you
    The cops know it too:
    Comeuppance this Valentines’ Day

  • So is anyone watching *Escape at Dannemora*? It is RIVETING, for what it says about life outside the prison as well as in. If you recall the news stories, the machinations of star cheater and total narcissist Tilly Mitchell were pretty jaw-dropping. NO SPOILERS, but I didn’t have any trouble understanding Tilly’s final conversation with the guard in the finale, and neither will any regular Chump Lady readers (“not understanding implications of final scene” is apparently a thing).

    Here’s a Valentine for poor chump Lyle Mitchell,
    Whose wife is a cheater–that bitch will
    Fuck crooks in her shop
    Play both bottom and top
    But ya don’t know when karma will hit-cha!

  • There was a sex addict named Danny
    Ran off with his floozie named Franny

    The love of his life
    He made her his wife

    Stepmom`s sister, should he call her Auntie?

  • A married lesbian he liked to fuck
    Kept her a secret and created a muck
    See he was fucking several others
    Mainly locaal divorced mothers
    Lies finally caught up and so did his luck

    It’s no longer a secret in his tony town
    He was a man known to mess around
    Her kid came out healthy
    And she sued him bc he’s wealthy
    Lifetime of child support payments for that ass clown

  • A sad and outraged haiku:

    What You Gave Me

    I gave you children
    In return were evil growths
    Wherein they were birthed

    I gave you kindness
    In return an ugly smirk
    Chuckling at my pain

    I gave you my faith
    In return you cast me out
    Darkness forever

    I’ll give you just this
    As your ring circles the bowl
    Cold vow of vengeance

    *note: the evil growths refer to precancerous cervical polyps from HPV. I didn’t want people to get the wrong idea and think I was comparing my kids to evil growths.

  • After Dday you fled
    And I was so blue.
    Now karma and meh
    Are happening to you.

    With ChumpNation I read
    and no longer felt blue.
    So karma and meh
    Are surrounding me too!

  • He thought himself the God of desire
    The arrow was bent; a tragic misfire
    It went south, west, north, then east
    Pierced the heart of a classless beast
    Blamed it on the arrow; it went haywire.

  • my ex narc is as fragile as glass
    now that I know he takes it up the ass
    he tried to cover
    with a female lover
    but I took pictures of his underwear : )

    doesn’t rhyme, but I still got evidence for when ever he wants to hoover
    I’m thinking……..Billboard

  • there once was an African prince
    whose penis needed a rinse
    it was so international, multi-cultural and diverse
    anywhere in the world it’s perverse

  • Completely addicted to porn
    and kept his pubes closely shorn
    He met her on Tumblr
    In my house he did bone her
    I left him and now he’s forlorn

  • Hairy dog now sleeps.
    Where hairy man-child once snored.
    Seems I’ve traded up.

    Dogs make much better partners.

  • He was fucking 8
    He lied to me about it
    So I exposed him

    He didn’t like it
    Too fucking bad I’m not sad
    Oh, he deserved it

  • i once married a man named ray
    who promissed to god to never stray
    until faced with a young ass jiggling twat
    he stuck his dick in it and was caught
    now he whines he didnt mean for it to happen that way

  • She said she never would roam
    Found a new “soul mate ” as Shiny as chrome
    she gave him her cootch
    Her turned out to be a douche
    and now she begs to come home

  • 2018 I made him a Valentine’s cake
    Not knowing he was a POS fake
    He had a woman in every port
    But it was his secret baby mamma who took him to court
    This year it’s for me that I bake

  • I don’t even know what to say
    As you masturbate your life away
    You say porn’s no addiction
    But I have a prediction
    Your next love will need inflated to play

  • Mistress texted me one night
    With hard proof your head ain’t right
    Because of SCHMOOPIE
    And her jealousy
    I won the custody fight

  • He was an entitled trophy hunter
    And cheated on his girl with women who looked like their was face kicked in by a football punter
    One was on the news
    But she was just a another dirty skank with fancy shoes
    It’ll be a good day when she gets his herpes on her cunter

  • There once was a therapist so charming.
    But his clinical methods were alarming.
    “I’ll fix your head if you get in my bed.”
    Lost his therapy license, he’s now farming.

  • What’s that you say? You rue the day
    you left just to get a new lay?
    Cause I got the kids and the car and the house
    And half of your 401K?

  • She put him through school with no thanks
    16 years, 4 children, her heart sank
    for a fool he took her,
    as he played with a hooker,
    Now she’s laughing all the way to the bank.

  • What happens to men who cheat and lie,
    making their wives and children cry?
    When you stick your penis in a sparkly new Venus,
    You contract an STI

  • Darling you put me through hell
    How far from grace you fell
    But Karma’s a bitch
    Your girlfriend’s a witch
    And also she’s not aging well

  • You put me through so much pain
    Making me believe I was insane
    Carrying your 4th child,
    Your unimpressive penis roamed wild.
    But I’m the one to blame?

  • I treated you like royalty.
    What do I get for my loyalty?
    The official diagnosis-
    Bacterial vaginosis
    Oh, what magnanimity!

  • Oh sweetheart, it’s too late.
    I hope the sex was great,
    The jig is up, you’re so fucked.
    I’m finding a new soulmate.

  • Heard she threw your stuff in the yard,
    Oh dear, you must be so scarred.
    She tired of your de