It’s February 1 and you know what that means? Insipid displays of cut-rate chocolate and polyester teddy bears? No! It’s time for the Infidelity Valentine’s Day contest!
Send me a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day.
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. Do NOT — I repeat, DO NOT! — send me your sad, lugubrious freeform verse.
But Tracy, I really have pathos. What rhymes with heart-shattering sociopath?
(Fart-smattering Sylvia Plath?)
This contest is about SNARK and DERISION. If you’re still melted in a puddle of sadness and cannot point and laugh at the absurdity of Schmoopies, if you cannot find the rich vein of humor that is receiving jewelry from Tractor Supply (a previous year’s winner) — wait another season for the Snark Muse.
Lay it on me, CN! And TGIF!