It’s February 1 and you know what that means? Insipid displays of cut-rate chocolate and polyester teddy bears? No! It’s time for the Infidelity Valentine’s Day contest!
Send me a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day.
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. Do NOT — I repeat, DO NOT! — send me your sad, lugubrious freeform verse.
But Tracy, I really have pathos. What rhymes with heart-shattering sociopath?
(Fart-smattering Sylvia Plath?)
This contest is about SNARK and DERISION. If you’re still melted in a puddle of sadness and cannot point and laugh at the absurdity of Schmoopies, if you cannot find the rich vein of humor that is receiving jewelry from Tractor Supply (a previous year’s winner) — wait another season for the Snark Muse.
Lay it on me, CN! And TGIF!
ETA — Submissions go here in the comments. Please don’t email me your poems, as cool as they are. Thanks!
There once was a man who was sad
So he cheated to make himself glad
But his choice was a whore
Because he was number four
Now everyone thinks he’s a cad
I couldn’t have written one better myself, Laura! My EX is #4 for his Schmoopie!!! This made me chuckle. Thanks!
My ex is number 4, too! The Schmoopie was married 3 other times—once to a woman. She sleeps with ex #3 (with my ex’s permission??). I should also mention that they met on Craig’s list…one night stand turned twu love. They are both 50 years old—you’d think they’d have grown up a little by now. But nope.
I made cheese fondue –
You didn’t come that night –
You effing a-hole
There once was a man with some pluck.
Who wasn’t too picky of his f@$ks.
He led his two lives
With almost two wives
I wish he’d hear “bang” and not duck.
That last line is gold!
The kids are blessings
You however not so much
But thanks for the sperm
😂😂😂😂😂❤️perfect!!!
Excellent!
Bwahahahaha
Love. This.
My feelings towards this cheating asshat.
I like it!
Hahahaha! Awesome!
Totally this 😂✊🤗
You are a cheater
Had a wife you couldn’t keep
Someday you will weep
Sad and poor Limp Lucifer
Needs Viagra to screw her.
Thinks he’s mighty with his little nub
Look! Behind that mask it’s Beelzebub.
Just finished my drink, I’ll have another…
Claims married life is such a bore
Blew it up for his skanky whore.
Excuse me while I gag and puke…oh brother
I realize now she’s a clone of his mother.
Liar and Cheater never more.
I once dated a guy with a wandering eye
He’d see a shiny penny and off his pants would fly
On every dating site he would hunt strange high and low
He’d tell them he lived with a “Roommate” wouldn’t you know
I caught onto his game and he is so very lame
Lol.. & off his pants would fly!
Such jackasses they are.
This isn’t a poem at all, but we should talk! Mine says “it’s complicated” as well around his married coworker (both families have 2 toddlers each).
Complicated? Really? How so?
I’m dying to know, What’s so complex
That you had to have sex
With a married coworker, that ho?
There once was a husband named Tim
Who thought life was all about him
So he banged a whore that was as dim
And now has a future so grim
I’ve really had enough,
He blindsided me leaving me up the duff…
And then came back
To steal my money,
But it really is quite funny
That a tosser of this proportion,
Gets caught with a whore
And Denies it to the core
Then gets slammed with a criminal police caution!
When you left my heart
shattering like broken glass
time turned it to steel
Oooh, a mightiness haiku! Love it!
Me too. That’s poetry
Narcissist Love bombs away
And leaves one day to be with his new lay
I get the house, kids, 1/2 the cash
All his stuff goes to trash
Am I so very glad I got away
Love this Stephanie!!!
That’s great!
Narcissist Love bombs away
And leaves one day to be with his new lay
I get the house, kids, 1/2 the cash
All his stuff goes to trash
Am I so very glad I got away
True words could it be
Oh no! Never spoken to me
Chump lady— ok— if it means
I’m getting rid of the obscene
Now to the start of reinventing me
There was a law student named Slick
Who said: “Baby, my classmate got sick!
Just some weird dizzy spell
where she tripped and she fell
On my hands and my mouth and my dick.”
“I wanted to know
if I was that guy who cheats.”
You were. Now fuck off.
For fucking a twat I gave him a swat
he called the cops on me
so the truth I told of the weed he sold
and off to jail went he… not me!
My husband liked to raw-dog dirty bitches,
His friends covered for him since they were not snitches,
His sluts gave him VD,
Which he passed on to me,
I hate him more every time my twat itches!
Ok, I’ve been lurking for a while – and started composing a limerick which kept growing (there is also a haiku – but it has a bit too much info that might be traceable to me – I’ve told too many people in our small town about this site! Maybe next year, when hopefully divorce will be final.) Happy reading!
Years of saving, with your loyal wife
Busy working, we planned later life
Now you spend big from bank
On “our” trips with your skank
Sometimes it cuts my heart like a knife
Why so foolish to spout lies around
So our staff try to put rumours down
Then of course truth came out
And soon spread all about
Soon covering the whole of our town
It can be hard to keep my head high
Support from friends at times makes me cry
Cuddle dog late at night
Hope I’ll soon feel all right
While I wave all our past dreams goodbye.
Whatever the heck were you thinking?
And how much were you really drinking?
Consequences be damned?
Did your conscience get jammed?
Hope karma soon starts your life sinking!
And I do still hear about you two
And sometimes hope the gossip is true
Seems some lies do come out
While the two of you shout
Seems that karma is now coming through.
And the future looks brighter for me
Off to places that I want to see
But instead of with you
It’s our child who makes two
Angry with your infidelity.
Twenty-seven years married to this
Common jokes and past tales I will miss
But you lied to my face
So you haven’t a case
To divert me, I’m reaching Meh bliss.
There was a New Jersey narc named Ted,
Who cheated on me with a Utah red head,
Schmoopie packed up all her shit
To move in with my ex fuckwit,
And now share Twu Luv in my old marital bed!
There once was a girl that was shared
By me and another who cared
To hear all her pain
And her trust he did gain
And to this day they are paired
Meh
Divorcing a man named Adonis
Who thought not with his brain but his phallus.
Neither morals nor vows were a match
When he locked eyes with a new piece of snatch.
This narc’s shame is on him, not on us.
Okay, I know I am late to this party but I couldn’t resist when the spirit moved me…
Did me a favor
But you won’t realize it
Until its too late
There once was a boy named Sean
Whose moral compass was gone
The swings in his mood
Make him one scary dude
I’m glad we didn’t last long.
There once was a BOY named “Drew”
Who was known to watch “a porn or two”
He fucked MANY women,
As many as seven,
Then the divorce came…boo hoo.
There once was a cheater named Dan,
Who scoured the network for a man,
He screamed I’m not gay,
I just need a lay,
Now you’ve gone and ruined my plan.
Cheater Bombers fill our sky
Mighty Eagles respond ‘one look one kill’
Sad Sausages litter frozen ground
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
That is absolutely brilliant. Heads up tho – syllables not words.
Many thanks.
there was a haiku
so perfectly imperfect
just like the author
Brilliant!!!
With every single chumpy imperfection, brilliant.
The South is best know for its drawl,
My X’s dick for it being small…
His hand it did play
With it both night and day
Now I dont”t have to see it at allll….
This one. This is the one. I am dead
LOL!
A tiny primrose with a packet of 5 heartshaped biscuits attached. For a celiac.
There once was a wife and a mother
Who loved online gaming—oh brother
She plied her fine whore-craft
On World of Warcraft
And now two trolls priests fuck each other.
This is fantastic. Well done!
Bravo.
Oh, excellent!!!! LOL!!!
great as always Nomah
Hahahahahah!!!
Hahahahha! I’m dying… you’re awesome.
Lugubrious – I learned a new word! But today is gonna be a fun read!!!
My husband thought he was smart.
He thought he’d perfected his art.
But I caught him one night
His cheating finally came to light,
And now we’re living apart!
My ex once was generous and kind
Realised too late he was talking out his behind.
He was told he was good in bed
His ow was psychotic, she must have been hallucinating.
She claims to be a size 6, actually size 20, that’s some hallucination.
All of the above is true. If the ow is reading this I say hi.
He bought jewellery with my money for skank
But forgot I’d see it came out the bank
Fuckwit thought he was clever that way
By showing his love on valentine’s day!!
There once was a cheater named Bear
Who used hookers and Ho-workers for affairs
‘But I never faked a snuggle’
Like I’m some sort of muggle
And now I don’t fucking care.
There once was a despicable louse
Who refused to clean his own house
A pregnant wife needing help
Made him wallow and yelp:
“Poor me! I need a new spouse!”
A very good one! Not a good spouse though.
A dumb buckteethed girl without class
Proved that my husband’s an ass
No condoms, no shame
He said I was to blame
If this is love, thanks but I’ll pass
*Buck-toothed
I tracked with a spreadsheet
So much strange… meat
With ‘Ay Papie’ escorting
And other cavorting
No wonder sex with me was a feat.
LOL Love this!!!
“Southern Gentleman with a Heart So Kind”
Said your profile on Horny Singles Online
Well you’re neither single nor cupid
And I can’t fix stupid
Bless your heart, the Clap nailed you this time
Too funny. You guys are making me laugh more than I have in months
This 👆👆👆
omg im dead!!!!
True story, all of it. You really can’t make this shit up.
Brilliant}
There once was a Howorker Sluterus
Who warmed Cold Slab O’Meat with her pooterus.
I’m no Pick Me Dancer
My Cervical Cancer is a better companion
In truthfulness.
Luz – love you!!!
Said I was cheating
Projection, you think, dummy?
Now I’m gone, for good
There once was a boy named Hank,
Whose sad penis needed a yank,
He left his wife Debbie
For a howorker named Debbie,
Surely, this must be a prank!
You ask why why why
Marie Kondo says keep joy
Out with the trash, ass
Awesome, Creativerational!
There once was a wife who did long
For her friend’s husband’s magical schlong
“Dead bedroom!” was how she rewrote her marriage
So her spouse she could blame and disparage
When her friend, in her bed, found her thong
magical schlong! I’ll be giggling about that all day!
Awesome!
May Eighteen beckons.
You’ll marry Chlorine Special.
Peg him all you want.
May 18th is the day Mt. St. Helens blew up.
Invest in popcorn futures.
OOOOOHH — I like that symmetry.
The day Mt St Helens blew. That was the day cheaterpants propsed. I mean, the actual day she blew, back in 1980.
THAT was the biggest missed red flag of all!
(Sorry / I am not a poet a I know it! So, I will spare my fellow citizens! Love all ya all)
I don’t like Frisbee
But your cousin pretends to.
All this pain for that?
There once was a man named Chad:
A “country-boy” dressed in plaid.
He fucked his wife’s sister
He was a real PLOWING mister
Until she took everything he had.
^true story.
He once thought his penis was made of gold.
But EVERYONE knows it’s just tarnished and old.
He’s getting fat off the new girl’s kibble
And on her intuition, she’ll begin to nibble….
“Schadenfreude!” The house of cards doth fold.
He named his online profile ‘ken sixty four sixty nine.’
He created an Ashley Madison account because he thought he was fine.
Born in 1964 with Kenneth his middle name.
He was so clever he put a sex position in his online game.
He used my computer, His work computer was off limits because …. can’t cross THAT line.
My wife, our whole life, she did say
I bet you were cheating today
Babe, I’ve been with no one but you
Yet your vagina’s a zoo
Why was I sad you’re away
Nice!
Vagina’s a zoo! Priceless!!
Kelly was a dietician.
She ranted always about nutrition.
But I don’t really think,
As she washed her hair in the sink,
That she saw cum as a welcome addition.
Haha! Cum as an addition to hair? Or nutritionally?
Yes. 😛
That’s a better one though! I was in a hurry. lol!
Kelly was a dietician.
She ranted always about nutrition.
But I don’t really think,
As she rinsed her mouth in the sink,
That she saw cum as a welcome addition.
PLUS cum in a drain can clog it. Protein.
There once was a cheater called Pete
Whose phone with whores was replete
Now the skanks that he fucks
Don’t know that he sucks
But I do so I’ve pressed delete.
“whose phone with whores was replete”! Fabulous syntax (and scansion)!
I have a second stanza!
Hoes have no clue Pete is a fraud
A tawdry squalid old bawd
His pestilent dick
Needs a swift violent kick
Now that is an act I’d applaud
love it 🙂
Mine was a “Pete” too. I LOVE this!
Yes!
There once was a cheater who was pregnant
A Ho-worker became her vagina’s new tenant
What fun she had with her boy toy
Till her husband discovered her ploy
Now she acts all repentant
You wanted to roam
With her to the snowy steppes.
How’s that single van life?
Chump haiku is the bomb. Clever. Concise. Sharp as a blade. Castration blade.
I’m stuck in divorce limbo.
While he carries on with his bimbo.
The first attorney he fired.
Three new law firms he hired.
What an stupid, evil, NPD, Dumbo.
“Divorce Limbo” — yes, me too. 😩
Yep, Yep, Yep…me too.
He appeared so loyal and true
But was always looking for an easy screw
Alas he was just a con
Now that everyone has caught on
He’s become a Facebook love guru
There was an old asshole who bought
All his insatiable appetite sought
Then he fucked a young Schmoopie
(His spiritual groupie)
But Oops! The old asshole got caught
He found two wet holes from Moldova
So he fucked the one down in the vulva
The one in the head sucked him instead
Till he said my wife knows so it’s ova’
There once was a lawyer named Nate,
His legal skills were less than top rate,
I got more than half,
It was a laugh,
Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date.
Excellent!
“Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date” — That is awesome!
Love it
Oh the lure of the magic vagina
Gave him palpitations and bouts of angina
Life wasn’t so sweet
When he was kicked to the street
Now his pity party can be heard in China
OMG…that is fabulous
I told you my soul mate was she
A woman who was our employee
Our marriage I then threw away
So I could seize my new day
And too fucking bad you disagree
Snores to wake the dead
Rotten breath; what was he fed
Gravity takes his sack
Let her shave his back
Shaking my laughing head
let her shave his back…lol YES!
For all the men who think women are interested in shaving their backs-we’re not ! Too cheap to see an aesthetician once a month ? Buy a frickin’ back shaver !
As he approached 50
He freaked out real nifty
Thought his life was a bore
Left to go fuck his whore
We all see he is so shifty
There once was a travelling bachelor
Who said he’s now tamed and wants no other
But my love was no match
For some whore-on-wheels-snatch
So now they swap wiper fluid together.
Fell in love at a homicide trial.
To avoid would be pointless denial.
Let’s abandon our spouses,
Blame-shift so they are the louses!
Then bask in our self-serving guile!
Of course there are casualties, true,
But that doesn’t concern me and you.
Our happiness is all that can matter.
All else is just trivial patter!
When love is this true, what else could we do?
Who cares if we’re decades apart?
True love is not age, but of heart.
We’re such a cliche,
But mustn’t dismay!
We’re clearly too perfect to fart!
Wonder when he’ll tell
The kids that Shmoopsie’s oopsie
Ain’t just ‘mas cookies
Best cure for Mindfuck?
You need to TRUST THAT THEY SUCK.
Last stop: Land of Meh.
Nice one
I’m hoping to win a new book
Because Chumps a’plenty all took
My copy of Leave a Cheater- Gain a Life
Writing in it their notes of fresh strife
And I want newbies to have *their own,* fresh look.
Once there was a specimen of a man, whom everyone treated wrong,
Despite him being perfect, so clever, and oh so strong.
His wife was so mean and controlling she made him suffer
Between her and him, to feel better, he needed a buffer
In form of a willing whore to serve and fuck him all night long.
“My heart” he said “I give to you”
But to those words he was not true
Instead he gave away his heart
To some slutty idiot tart
Which left me shocked confused and blue
Ok, not very snarky but therapeutic anyway. I’ll see if I can come up with something snarky later.
Written on the card:
“You will always have my heart”
Follow through is hard
perfect
I second that. Perfect.
Condoms in the couch tonight
Not yours you say…kids say that
Not me -what a line
Never tried a Haiku before. I’ll give it a shot:
I thought he was smart
He traded diamonds for shit
I guess I was wrong
Perfect! And so widely applicable!
Love it!!
There once was a lying slutty mother
Who fucked her old step-brother
She was in for such a shock
As she sucked his soft cock
He suffered ED like no other!
*based on a true story
There once was a man built of lies
That he hid when his looked in my eyes
But his whore was a blabber
And good god he can have her
If she only knew ‘bout his “I miss you” cries
Now she was a sight to behold
A tight body of a twenty-year-old
Who blew up his ego
That flew higher than an eagle
And they’re soulmates – or so I’ve been told
Now here’s where the story gets fun
Love runs out when the money is done
He feels so alone
and wants to come ‘home’
As I sit here and clean out my gun
Oh what a great ending. I laughed out loud! These are making my day!
Cheating came easy
Two valentines cards you sent
Mine and another
^^^ ouch, been there, lived that too
It sucked until I could get her out of the house and finalise the divorce, but it has a happy ending.
Mom’s toxic sh*t gone
Three kids and father happy
He got you; I win!
My husband’s penis
And tiny blue penis pills
Have moved to Brooklyn
Today.
Yay!
Congrats! 🎆🎇🌠
During sex, I’d hear my name
Turns out, his is the same
“I tried,” she bellowed and cried
An excuse I found quite lame.
Same name? For real? That is just gross!! My ex called me “B” and most of his affair partners (that I know of) had first names that started with “B” as well. Coinkydink? I think not. 😀
A high five for surviving that crap!
OMG Tall One my ex shared the same name as his howorker’s (now) ex husband. The night I found out my first thought was “well at least she won’t get them confused in bed.” My second thought was “when did my life become a Jerry Springer episode!
Kibbles kibbles cake
Kibbles kibbles kibbles cake
Cake cake cake discard
This one is so perfect! All summed up right there!
Short and bow-leg-ged
Soulless with sour milk breath
Dear Whore(s), enjoy him!
He left for an EmoSlut of twenty
Scars on her arms, there were plenty
A crop top and ripped tights she wore
To family gatherings galore
He likes wetting his dick in a kid, evidently
“I did not cheat,” said he
He said those words to me
As I caught him red-handed in a lie.
“This girl means nothin’
and my dick I ain’t stuffin’
I swear I’m an honorable guy.”
“Forgive him!” they said
“Be more adventurous in bed!”
‘Twas was my burden ‘to bear this strife.’
I was chumped, but not stupid
I play my own cupid
“Leave a cheater, and gain a life.”
Love it
I bought you something
You can give it to Schmoopie
Oh, yeah, it’s poison
Win!!
There once was a sad sausage who strayed
His life was too easy, he had it made
For granted he did take
Everything – he loved cake!
Now he’s a sad lonely sausage I’m afraid
Seriously, wife?
That’s how you solve your problems?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Nicely done
Perfection!
At fifty, she was no longer sure
Of all that marriage and family had in store
So to the bars she went
In search of a suitable gent
To channel her innermost whore
Chumped and dumped was me
Blindsided so suddenly
It gave me angina
To learn of her busy vagina
At least it don’t hurt when I pee
Hahahaha! Hilarious!
Tis cheater’s birthday today-
And no contact I continue to stay,
But I can’t help but smirk
At the thought of his “quirks”-
As she fails to provide a proper soiree.
I suppose you thought
Trading me in was worth it?
Haha, joke’s on you.
A cheaters haiku …
“My feelings have changed
And so I cheated on you
So it’s not my fault”
Boob Pics had to take a look
Found a whore on Facebook
She kissed his A**
No thanks I’ll Pass
Now whore is on the hook
Oh you made a new friend Michelle
And said there was nothing to tell
When I found all the lies
It really opened my eyes
So I said oh please go to hell
We were soulmates but
I found another soulmate
Who believes my shit
Limerick:
There once was a lady whose life
didn’t work as a cheater-man’s wife.
So she got rather brash,
tossed him out with the trash,
and enjoyed a new life without strife!
Haiku:
Immature adults
can’t control their impulses —
don’t deserve our time.
This is me!! Thank you!
😁
There once were two narcs into booze
He drunk-tumbled into her cooze
Twu wuv had arrived
In a single muff dive
Alas! They had spouses to lose.
But karma the bitch had her fill
Of cheaters and their secret thrill
The wife got a tip
New assholes went “RRRIP!”
Wronged spouses went in for the kill.
There will be no dancing of jigs
No please-pick-me-polkas for pigs
The most that they got
Was a snide parting shot
“Enjoy the rats in your new digs!”
I thought you were a catch
But you were looking for strange snatch
Predator, I just got you banned from Match
********
I thought you fulfilled my wish
But you were looking for another dish
Predator, I just got you banned from Plenty of Fish
(yes, this just happened–I informed both of his abusive, alcoholic predatory nature) Sweeter and more satisfying than a dozen chocolate covered strawberries!
Excellent! Not only frustrating the cheaters, but helping to protect other potential chumps!
@hesatthecurb OMG what a brilliant bright beautiful FUCK YOU flag!!! LOVE IT. I have an idea 😈
Ode to Fucktard (haiku blowout)
Not cheating he says
Porn, texts, websites and chatrooms
Harmless fantasy
“This is not cheating
I swear, no actual sex
You are insecure”
Evidence revealed
“I never did anything
You’re making this up”
“I promise I’ll stop”
I gave you another chance
Believed all your lies
Another woman?
Just anything with a hole
Indiscriminate
“I am straight, I swear”
Paving the Hershey Highway
Wifey in the dark
Gaslighting Jedi
Lying pervert – a sick fuck
More STD tests
Thirty-one years gone
I never mattered at all
I am not crazy
What kind of person
Tells child “I didn’t want kids”
Disordered sicko
I used to love you
You made it easy to leave
Don’t shit where you sleep
Sad creepy old perv
Looking to fill your black soul
Hunting for some strange
I asked a question
All your fun, was it worth it
Sad Sausage says no
Consequences suck
Entitled selfish asshole
Hope your dick falls off
Tried to destroy me
My mantra: And Still I Rise
Soulless cheating prick
Wow!
Wow! This haiku blowout is my life of the past 15 years! To the letter, except 15 not 31. It’s a script! #theycanhavehim
What kind of person tells child “I didn’t want kids” ? The same woman who says to the au pair “Don’t ever get married or have kids !” In front of her daughters.
Pillar of the Community II
Tall poppy, white knight,
Used car salesman, deadbeat dad,
Wrecking ball, tire fire.
Pillar of the Community I
The weight of two faces
Atop a jellyfish spine
Is why your back hurts.
Pillar of the Community III
You are a tapeworm
In the belly of a leech
Stuck to a vampire.
I love it.
I’m not saying you’re a mooch.
I’m just saying that you are a tapeworm, in the belly of a leech, stuck to a vampire.”
This will be my new go-to insult.
Sad sausage is sad
Chump husband chose not to be
Her hypotenuse
If you’re so perfect,
Why does everyone hate you?
Oh, because you suck.
GMSB you are on fire!!!!
Rapid-fire brilliance
Dysfunctional veteran
Bullshit PTSD claim
You’ve always been nuts
Hey we were married to the same guy}
Yup the ptsd is from childhood, not from war…
Jest sayin, but they try this
Heads up
Are you bored of him?
Watch me do the pick-me dance.
Just kidding, you suck.
Now you’re getting the hang of it.
HAHAHA!
Love the “just kidding”.
GMSB you’re on fire!
He quit a good job to be stay at home father
Then insisted we move one state to another
After that he really went loopy
Had two affairs, ran off with Schmoopie
Now that we’re divorced he’s no longer my bother
Three kid not enough
Ran off with mother of five
Ok, good luck with that
My wife left I cried!
Funny I don’t recall why?
AP, do you know?
My wasband thinks himself a big Christian
He made his dick his Kingdom
He thought me a bore, found his newest whore
Now he will be her husband number four
Ex on divorce number three
Said love gods aren’t lucky for me
The same divorce lawyer
Once again he’d employ her
Number four soon she will be
There once was a Jesus Cheater
Who tried to get all his ho-workers to tug on his Peter
At midnight God woke me with a startle
Cheater and his whore were doing something carnal
And now my life is so much sweeter
You’re dead now, cheater
I’m throwing your life away.
You did not spark joy.
Shaved your balls today?
Oh, and your hairy chest, too?
Repulsive dickhead.
There once was a wife from the shore
Who was really no more than a whore
With no guilt or remorse
She’d fuck the most coarse
At least my ungrateful kids I adore
My husband of 33 years
Got bored reducing me to tears
So, off he ran with his ho-worker
Who turns out was nothing more than a loser
Finally, I found MEH and made a life unclouded with fears
So that’s “your man” huh?
Think you won the pick me dance?
Call: 1-800-GOT JUNK
Ha, ha, awesome!
Oops- sent draft!
Revised:
So that’s “your man” huh?
Call: 1-800-GOT JUNK
Congrats on the win.
I.
Cheaters don’t care who they destroy
In their search for a shiny new toy
Family ties don’t matter
As our lives they batter
Without an original ploy
II.
Chumps do not despair
Soon you’ll be walking on air
As soon as you go NC
You will begin to see
You’re best when your cheater’s not there
Beth…..love this. yes I am enjoying NC.
I guess we’re done here.
I am taking out the trash
And Gaining a Life.
Perfect!
Was showered with TWO dozen roses Valentine’s Day last year
Card read ” I will love you forever and ever, no fear”
Took a “business” trip with his whore to Australia the following week
Had my PI waiting at the airport for a few pics and a sneak peak
I live in a fault state- reap just what you sow asshole!
Officer’s honor?
Meets Family Counselor.
Destroys Family.
Schmoopie looks like a Naked mole rat
I can’t believe I was married to that
He advertised his vasectomy
Now he means nothing to me
Two cheaters married…gonna go splat!
The Cumpster hole is so wide
Say does it echo?
When your limp dick hit’s the side
This is fucking amazing. LOL!
In loneliness, a mistake, I’m ashamed
I believed in the words that he feigned
When financial acrobatics
Stopped covering his tactics
Lies and hookers were all that remained
I was a faithful and tolerant wife,
Stabbed in the soul with your fucking-whores knife.
Now I’m doing Kon-Mari
And sorry-NOT-SORRY
But you don’t spark Joy in MY Life!
Love it.
Fabulous facade.
Former friends only see bliss
from my destroyed life.
This is so accurate-wow. The rebuilt life is so much better though!
A family man he pretended to be
With an expense account that made his “dates” free
But screwed up when in his work truck
A married coworker he did fuck
And when caught with the whore he did flee
Are you with her, sir?
Believe me, it’s a good score:
less crap in circulation
A dumsel had a strong yin
“Give her the boot so I can move in!”
Well we had a quick chat
Which clarified that
I shat on her dreams to cash in.
Sorry that should be yen!
Cold empty bed fears
New home New life My choices
I turn up the heat
Yes! Evocative
This is my favorite.
Ten years a duplicitous life
I’m ashamed I was ever your wife
No integrity, its true
And now they all know too
you’re to jail for contempt where its rife
Switzerland friends only
Want to see the peaks not troughs
A bullshit fondue
My favorite so far,, Thank You!
A bullshit fondue!!!!!😂
Thanks k but my form is not strictly haiku I’ve realised. Should read
Switzerland friends just
Want to see peaks not troughs
A bullshit fondue
Valentine’s Day was my Dday.
He begged, oh why couldn’t he stay
I kicked him out
Have a new boyfriend to tout
This year I’ll have a much better Vday
Red flags aflapping
Thought baby would change his ways
Oh what a shit show
There once was a serial cheater
Who had an insatiable peter.
Found out he fucked women and men,
I kicked him out then.
And life can only get sweeter!
You say “I LOVE YOU
but I’m not IN LOVE with you”
You are so cruel!
Polyamorous?
You can’t even spell the word.
You fucking asshole.
You don’t hate them, you don’t care
Called the fuck you stage
A narcissist hates being nothing
No soft sweet smile for you to see
I lost that, you took me to my knee
Betrayal felt like I was dying
All those years that you were lying
The gift is that now I am free
There once was a sparkly turd
Who never would keep his word.
He got on his knees,
And begged “please, please, please!”
My answer was to flip him the bird.
He once had a wonderful life,
and a sweet and affectionate wife,
Fucked some strange cooch,
Damn! he screwed the pooch,
now his world is full of strife.
There once was a mother of 4
She needed another man to adore
Things got heated then she cheated
For her to be faithful nevermore…
He was arrest while going for a run
Indecent exposure and life as a sex offend begun
Told me he was innocent and chumpy me believed
13 years later he went for another run: his girlfriend he received
And my life as a chump is done!
My EX had a mobile sex truck,
Used with his internet whores to fuck,
What I heard from my hired PI,
“Get away from your sex addict guy,
Call your lawyer right now and good luck !”
30 years with a real piece of work
Even neighbours think he’s a jerk
He’s like a mean spider
His jowls are much wider
Psychopathy is more than a quirk
Perfect. Resonates with me.
“Never paid for sex”?
Those hamburgers were not free.
Cheap five-dollar whore.
My ex was so proud
That he never paid for sex
He is paying now
This haiku should be
On the list of runners-up
‘Cuz it’s fucking GREAT!
Living in a fantasy bubble
Landed you in a heap of rubble
Lost in the future faking
For me a strong awakening
How’s that whore, your double?
There once was a husband so shitty
And his dick was so itty-bitty
That he searched far and wide
‘Til he found one that lied
She said he was the best in the city.
Good one
My sweet valentine
Nanthony, forever more
Don’t forget the next.
Saw you on your knees.
Same stance as when you suck cock
You found on Craigslist.
That’s funny.
Thanks, but it didn’t feel so funny at the time. But now I just picture his fat, old, sweaty, naked body on his knees in front of another fat, old, sweaty guy and laugh at the ridiculous mental image. It’s nothing to do with their bodies or the sexual activities they prefer. It’s that he thinks he is so very sexy and attractive and vehemently denies that he has any attraction to men. First, dude, look in the mirror. Second, if you aren’t attracted to men, then why are you having sex with them? I admit that I spackled for more than four decades, but he is positively the champion of spackling when it comes to himself. Totally delusional.
Same here. I keep telling him to come out stop hurting women guys will be in to you fucking around. He says he doesn’t like guys. Even though he kept on fucking them? Come out you closeted cuckold.
Same here, he will never admit to being gay, only bi, because he was married for 40+ years, so, can’t be gay.
(I forgot I was supposed to be snarky.)
I said, “Oh that’s right!”
“There really is a penis!”
“But you have no balls!”
(And honestly, I really did say this to him. I was livid! I pulled back the shower curtain and screamed nearly at the top of my lungs. I did not know that I was saying a Haiku.)
A bump in the night?
She calls out in fright!
Bebe don’t fret
Is it in yet?
I’m not sure; let’s turn on the light.
You really blew it,
Like all the strangers you blew,
But you are not gay.
Was that the best you could do?
Damn, you’re not even a good screw
Must have been quite hammered
Woke up to a whore and stammered.
At this point in life you’ll do.
Slept with our best friends wife
Ran off to a shiny new life
She had a new pregnancy
But you’d had a vasectomy
True Luv had a short shelf life
For the win!
Made me chuckle!
😆😆😆😆😂😂😂😂
BOOOOOOOOOOOM! (The sound of the karma bus crashing into your ex!)
😂😂😂
Sad sausage cheated on me
OW won the dance, with glee
She wanted him
He has been shot in every limb
And now I live almost free
Calls me to say he can’t pay
Its been a year come what may
State says now you can’t drive
Must suck being alive
Cant wait for court day!
*one year no child support paid.
Sex with ho-worker
Means consequences for him.
I’m gaining a life!
Divorce process yields
More lies from Cheater Playbook.
He will never change.
Ho-worker, he’s yours.
You can cheat on each other.
I don’t want him back.
Healing’s a long road.
Blessed to have found Chump Nation.
Thank you Chump Lady.
Gonna have to double barrel this one:
My lawyer requested disclosure
His lawyer conveniently died
So I went on a hunt
His lawyers alive
So he must be looking for dodgy advice
I’ve already seen the company books
There’s definitely something fishy
Then just last night
A letter arrives
It’s a bank account! My hunches were right!
He met a new “friend” at a wedding
One he thought was fit for bedding
He made his approach
She said “don’t be gauche”
And now our marriage is ending
(Yes, this happened at a family wedding we attended. He knew her 20 minutes and tried to pick her up right in front of me. What’s wrong with these people?)
And a haiku for good measure:
Oh, more trickle truth?
It’s a good thing I don’t care
Pick me dance, no more
No more lingerie.
Your attention was elsewhere:
She sent you a card.
You have a heart of cold.
The truth it did unfold.
Casting a shadow on darkness
Finding one with your likeness
Chasing a fools gold.
She slathered her crotch with cheap ointment
And rushed to their clandestine appointment
He’d never deceive her
If she’d bare her beaver
Dream became delayed disappointment
“If she’d bare her beaver” — Oh my! 🙂
He once was married to a chump
Who couldn’t throw him out on his rump
The theft and dating profiles online
Happened a few too many times
And now the guy lives in a dump
You wanted to make me your wife
You said that we’d have a good life
But your penchant for strange
And the fluids they exchange
Has caused me nothing but strife.
The things you did with strangers was weird
And a fatal STD I so feared
‘Cause YOUR unsafe sex with guys
Could have lead to MY demise
I am so tired of being your beard.
Fuckwit Cheater says:
“Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
Lying liar hole.
I thanked you for your husband
Stated the best lover I did land.
He said he suffered from abuse
After 41 years you cut him loose
It’s only now I understand.
After waking up daily drenched in pee
Faking ogasms twice daily
Driving the drunk when we go out
Listening to complaints and seeing him pout.
He spends more feeding birds than on me.
I should give a call
To OM’s wife and see if
She’s free for the night
HahAaHa!!!
So help me God, I
Will win this haiku contest
And then drink a beer.
You and old crone are diligent g it out!
Here’s mine, an also-ran cos you guys are ahead of the game
“Sure, I have remorse.”
He said. “Look at what I’ve lost!”
Narcissist cliche.
That was meant to be duking it out
Sizzling! Love this one.
I saw your naked pic on your phone
You only had half of a ‘bone’
If that was the best you could do
(And with a little blue pill too!)
Then it’s no wonder you are all alone.
Hold my beer while I
Get my shit together and
Walk out of your life.
Hahahaha
After 5 years of life I spent
He expects me to pay the rent.
My future according to him
Is living in a trailer,roof caving in.
His pump just broke and his penis is bent.
Continued from previous post….
If Chumps only knew
That real Twu Wuv blossoms at
Cheap roadside motels.
Character transplants,
Unicorns, eternal life.
Imaginary.
Boom! Love this one.
Did I just spot a
Timid Forest Creature? Nope.
‘Twas only my ex.
You think you are so great in bed
But buddy, that’s all in your head
I always had to fake it
Because you just don’t make it
I’d rather clean toilets instead.
lol
unfortunate man
once married to me
I was sooooo difficult
New OW fiancee
shrieks at children
Fridge magnets!Mess!
It must be a relief
to live with someone
so calm and easygoing
Except now she won’t move in
Alas.
No date for the elf wedding?
And as for me-
New job,new life
New Quaker parrot
She likes to cuddle
Tucks her head
Right under my chin
Its sad that a grown man
knows less
than a baby parrot
Hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul
and sings the tune without the words
and never stops at all
(apologies to Emily Dickinson. It just occurred to me right then that i have found a new tattoo for that blank space on my left arm.)
I love this! Fellow Quaker parrot mom. They are so cuddly and sweet. I think the only bird that loves to be hugged!
There once was a woman who strayed
And once caught, she backpedaled, and prayed
That her husband would fall
For her lies, one and all,
But he Gained a new Life, I’m afraid.
You, sir, are on fire.
Just because I’m a perfectionist, I don’t like that I used the word ‘once’ more than…once.
There once was a woman who strayed.
She was caught, then backpedaled, and prayed
That her husband would fall
For her lies, one and all,
But he Gained a new Life, I’m afraid.
Better. Two onces … nah.
Same here btw. Laid the lies on thick, assumed over-forgiving wife would be in default state of trampled boundaries.
Uh uh. Gaining My Life now, 2019 – bring it on!
D-Day was not fun for I
He left his laptop open to spy
He watched with great Glee
How he was planning to leave me
All through the lens of his camera eye
Oh Evil One, how I loathe there
How traumatic it was for me
You skipped off with dumbass
My heart was like a dead carcass
Though you never see nor agree
Someday soon I hope
You will be at the end of your rope
Oh Karma bus speed up!
Roll over his big ass hump!
Some days I just can’t cope
On a cold autumn night in October
She decided her marriage was over.
She was hesitant, though,
For her husband to know,
Because then she would lose the Land Rover.
Good one! I hope she lost the land rover and more!
Fuck Valentine’s Day.
Just an excuse for Cheaters
To buy shit for Schmoops.
There’s a poetry volume in these.
Or fridge magnets.
I liked ’em both. Good stuff.
Ode to Lord Cheater Pants
There once was a Narc from the Midwest
He decided his Ho-worker kibbled best
He dumped his wife, kids, & dog in a flash
“Twu Wuv” not to be thwarted by vows, history, or Schmoopie’s love of cash
Ex-wife to waste no more years, bullet dodged, feeling blessed
Roses are red
Viagra is blue
Schmoopie got VD
And so do you!
The cheating police officer wife, for fun
Spread her legs for married Sergeant’s “gun”
She then ignored and gas-lighted her hubby
So she could pursue Sgt Dick’s chubby
She’s single, now that her marriage came undone
There once was a wife who was blind
To her husband’s perv frame of mind.
Instead of delivering mail
He was out chasing tail.
Now divorce papers will be signed.
There once was a man who loved Dick
Kept secret, oh boy was he slick
But he finally got careless
He wanted to be hairless
Shaving body hair was a good tip
Just. wow. 😒😂🤣
There once was a man who thought he deserved great
His wife failed to please him and challenged his fate
He went out to look for his new true love
Because one wife at home is just not enough
He needed his dick blown by a trashy soulmate
You chose to trash our marriage vows
For a skank with fucked up eyebrows
Completely bankrupt was she
I hope it burns when you pee
Half of all you own is a lot for a hausfrau
Noble sad sausage
Starving for cake and kibbles
Hope your dick falls off
There once was a compulsive liar
Whose pants seemed forever on fire
Said, “I’m sorry” when caught,
Well, I’m certain he’s not
Now I’m free of the adulterous quagmire
And another
There once was a lying bedswerver
Who turned out to be quite a perver*
His wife figured it out
And he started to pout
Fucked his way to twu wuv in a fervour
*silent “t”
I called him my Prince
Turns out he was just a frog
How disappointing
Ha! Paper Bag Princess perfect!
My wife is a prudish old nag,
Living with her has become such a drag
She never lets me out of my box
So I can suck cocks
And fuck the neighborhood skag.
Abscessed teeth pulled: 2.
Buys toys: debt up the wazoo.
Karma Bus, thank YOU!
She was a “friend.” It wasn’t random.
But he wanted two women in tandem.
The wife said, “That’s not right.
He’s so full of bull shite!”
Now he just has his Pornhub fandom.
“Oh mother, why so hard on Dad?”
She says, “What our son speaks is so, so bad!”
When the facts come out,
That she was tramping about,
We realized we’d all been had…
“She is so sweet!”, was the word
That was so often heard
Her actions confused even me,
But she turned out to be
Just another sparkly turd.
The school was all a twitter
That they were doing it in the shitter.
It required no TP.
It really was creepy.
She turned out to be quite the critter!
Twenty eight years gone
So grateful I still have me
Minus the Douche Bag
There once was a cheater named Tim
Who thought only about getting some quim
He lied to his wifand fucked up her life
And now he must live with just him
IThere once was a Troglodyte cheater.
Who said to his kids, “You should meet her.”
A ring for my Schmoops,
With your college fund -oops!
He is quite a true bottom-feeder.
🤣🤣🤣👏👏 love it!
Here’s another:
Cake made of kibble
Fuckwit’s wet dream – he’s merely
Worthless dick dribble
Imagine a cheater convention
All the OW seeking attention
The roar of I,I, I, I, set in motion
All seeking instant devotion
Not a one getting honorable mention.
Found out I had cancer V-day
Thought husband was awesome whole way
But then I discovered
My “best friend” was his lover
Thankful she whisked asshole away
“If I Died, Would You Marry Another?”
Was a book that he gave me – oh, brother!
It was classic projection
And I’m done with rejection.
The sick fuck has has run back to mother.
Completely obsessed with his cock
In lying he got a postdoc
But he’s a bed wetter
My lawyer was better
I got loads of cash and the Glock
👍👍😂😂 especially the Glock. especially the Glock.
It sucks to be you
I’ve learned it’s great to be me
So glad I am free
There is a cheater who has no heart
With his family he chose to part
All that matters to him is the money
He robbed us of our milk and honey
To impress his now wife with a running head start
For made my life hell for thirty long years
His betrayals and lies brought me to tears
Thank God he is gone
And I have finally moved on
To enjoying my life without any fears
*He made my life hell for thirty lone years
*long
(I’m up too late!)
Thanks for this Chump Lady! It is very healing!
What is it with guys named Tim?
He filled the whole house with his shit;
No space for me anywhere in it.
When he went to France
Well, I took the chance
To walk out on that counterfeit.
His willy is small.
As small as but much softer
Than his shrivelled heart.
This is a lot of fun Chump Lady! And extremely therapeutic. Snark is challenging for this chump, but I think I am learning. Perhaps this version is snarkier than my previous effort:
His cold, shrivelled heart.
As small as but much harder
Than his tiny dick.
Ooh, nice
Indeed. Well done, NewChump.
Wow… so much amazing talent!!! There should be a book of poems written by chumps. All of these are great. Who can pick just one? It’s like the old potato chip ad– you cannot eat just one.
Okay… here are a mine. But, a huge waiver first. All of these are auto-biographical and they are very disturbing in nature. Why?….Because some very disturbing things have happened in my life. Also, my main ex that I complain about is not the only man I dated during my life who cheated. So, these are about various men and all are true as well as the outcomes. Please have a strong stomach because some might trigger.
The Cheap Bastard Named Mark (Limerick)
There was a cheap bastard named Mark.
He loved to have sex in the industrial park.
The other woman said, “I just want a bed.”
Mark replied, “it’s not required to give me head,”
What did she expect from a cheating narc?
**Note: About my very first boyfriend. I broke up as soon as I found out about what he was “up” to when he claimed he was studying.
The Whore from Southeast Asia (Limerick)
There once was a whore called Anastasia.
This temptress hailed from Southeast Asia,
She handcuffed my fiancé to our bed,
She sampled his pathetic French bread,
And this stupid skank gave me cervical dysplasia.
**Note: This is a reference to the stage one cervical cancer I got after my ex cheated for several months with a woman from SE Asia. This lady also attempted to take my house. I let her have him, but not my house–the house was sold.
Secret Peanut Butter (Haiku)
What is her allure?
A peanut butter sandwich,
When the lube is gone.
**Note to readers. This was an exchange I found that went on between a woman an ex hooked up with. It was about the peanut butter sandwiches she was willing to “take” when there was no lube. I looked up the meaning of “Peanut butter sandwich” on the Urban Dictionary and I threw up. Look it up for yourself… I had no idea people were THIS SICK.
The (Not So) Single, White Female (Limerick)
There was a slutty mom named Julie
She liked to treat me very cruelly
She photo-shopped herself to look like me
She dreamed of her poach with tremendous glee
Now she is six-feet under and acting very coolly.
**Note: Based on the events of the past year. My husband’s former coworker passed away from what appeared to be an HPV-related cancer. After she died, another woman (who was her best bud) posted all kinds of photos of her online where she had been photoshopped to look like me. I sent them to my best friend and her jaw hit the floor. My friend said, “You barely missed a single, white female situation in real life.” (No kidding)!!!!!!!! And this is why I am here. It seems odd someone would have professional photos taken and have them photoshopped to look like me. (For those who know me in person, the intentionality is impossible to miss). The lady had several different kids by several different men. I know she had a crush on my husband and wanted to poach him. Beyond that, no one is talking. The only evidence I have is that I found photos online where this (deceased) lady was photoshopped to look like me and these photos are on the website of one of my husband’s other female coworkers (who was deceased lady’s friend). They are nowhere on my husband’s computers that I know of. I asked him if he would tell me what happened and his answer was that she is dead and “so she is no longer a problem.” That’s a direct quote. Suspicious? Of course!! I am NOT stupid, especially since this is the field I work in… writing self-help stuff about marriage. But, I am coming up empty on evidence. I am pissed as hell. If I get concrete evidence, I will be out the door. Please wish me Godspeed that I find something soon – one way or the other – because I HATE limbo. And I don’t want to have another scare with cervical cancer. My ex-fiance gave it to me due to his OW. If I find out there was a physical affair between my H and the deceased lady, I will go and nothing could make me return. I am also sure I will be done with men. I have enough hobbies and projects to keep me busy for a lifetime and I don’t want the drama many men bring. I adore my sons, our dogs, and all my other creative side-projects. Men will no longer be on my radar and in fact they are already off my radar. Enough is enough.
Sarah
Don’t wait; you do not and cannot trust him. He’s made it plain what his life priorities are, and you arent anywhere on the list.
DTMFA
Hello SoldieringOn,
Totally agree with you and that’s where it will head and I am setting concrete plans in motion. Can’t say much – because he knows I read this blog.
This is a great site and gives me tremendous strength each day.
Sarah
Sarah, you’ve listened to and helped me so much. Going to tell you something you probably don’t know you’ve given me. My attention to my intuition. I’m going to ask that you use yours. Period! (((((Hugs)))))
PS-
Safeway is selling stuffed animal, ice-blue unicorns for Valentine’s Day. I thought ice-blue was an interesting choice of color for a stuffed animal unicorn meant to be bought as V-day presents. I bought two of them so they can sit as a pair on my desk.
I can’t help but wonder if whoever designed the unicorns reads this blog and chose to make them ice-blue because they know it will be a cold day in hell when someone actually locates a REAL one. LOL.
Roses are dead.
Violets weren’t true.
Your shit is stinky
But less so than you!
(I know this doesn’t fit the requested poem patterns but enjoy the Valentine’s snark!)
Rhyming haiku:
Trusted that he sucks
Lost the cheater, gained a life
Now give zero fucks
I bought a little decorative pin that literally says ‘Gave my last fuck’ and I love it!
Roses are red violets are blue
You are nobody to me anymore.
The end.
One life – was two.
Mine was true.
You stayed a batchelor behind the family mask.
Pretending your life as a hot shot lawyer was such a task…
It enabled you kibbles & sacks of fun
While I stayed at home – the loyal stay at home mum
26 years together and only a few years ago finally got some “ proof”
And finally your duplitious life went “ poof”
One night stands . So many co-worker affairs. Sex sites. Hook ups and tinder accounts.
ILYBNILWYA when you found “true luv” –
A 26 yr old junior hockey playing colleague – so wife and kids get a shove!
A lie
A sham
A duplicitious bastard.
A user
A player
A parasite
So roses are red violets are blue
You are nobody to me anymore
The end.
I want her not you
You told me on that day, now
I want me not you
YES . SO Absolutely THIS !!!!
I am a chump. But I am a fantastic honourable loving and kind human being. I have wonderful friends. My life exploded – but I am still ok with who I am. My values my morals….. with me.
I like me.
Sadly I encountered a player narc who used me and my hard working ethic – I had worked so hard for years at uni and after in a a tough career where I did really well – and and he benefited enabling him to retrain as a lawyer – on my income. Then I have kids ( late) ansbecaome a SAHM and he goes off to work ( and play). That was my reward …
But whatever.
I am still me. And after finding this website I am so back to who I was b4 becoming in effect a submissive subservient wife … because I couldn’t be bothered to argue with him all the time…
Proof & Tracey gave me back “ my balls” from years ago to fight the fucker……
I now regard myself as a Phoenix.
So strong and powerful and REBORN.
Thankyou to everyone on this site. You alone gave me the strength to find me again and fight for ME.
Roses are red violets are blue
Tracey and chump lady people –
I really really really do love you!
The end.
And now you are an inspiration. The reward in the end my friend is being mighty.
This is for you Chumped Big Time
Mighty comes with the balls to fight
Reborn as a Phoenix feels just right
No longer a submissive subservient wife
I took back what was mine, my life.
Now soaring, soaring upwards with might.
Doing me…
I don’t know how to respond.. but with a sincere Thankyou .
You have made my day you lovely person..
I am going to print that off .. because today. That is ME.
And all thanks to you & everyone here…
You gave me my life back!
Xxxxxxx 💕 🔥
❤️
Phoenix 🔥
Tracey – how about a topic on “ Phoenix rising”
I love hearing those strong 💪 stories from chumps who rose through from the ashes of the fires🔥 of devastation and emerged stronger and ballsier than ever!
They have been and still are my inspiration….
I swear he just thought he was God,
And that I’d jump when he gave me the nod,
He swore to the Almighty,
He never pulled up her nighty,
But yeah you did you dirty old sod!
You slept with strangers
Thought nothing of the dangers
Out goes you, limp dick
Hotel bill I found
You said it was just to talk
Unbelievable
He moved us 800 miles away
To locate us 28 miles from his lay
His family he divorced seeking his Bliss
He was caught by his job and dismissed
And now he and the whore no longer play
There once was a mother of 2
Who thought one wasn’t enough to screw
But she’d give up her life
To blow another mans Fife
And find ways to blame it on you
Brilliant- the last line, BOOM.
There once was a cheater who craved young pussy from China
He searched Craigslist and massage parlors for tru-wuv vagina
Happy endings and blows
Drained retirement account paying hoes
Elated he’s no longer mine; ya!
A “shy pilot” who thought he was hung,
Liked to chase women covered in dung.
But his wife watched him tank
When she cleaned out the bank
And left him alone with the skank.
To his wife such great love he professed.
And those skanks, they were only a test.
She said “No thank you honey
I’ll just take your money,
Those skanks and their sleaze fit you best.”
Niiiiiice
There once was a wife from Kent
Who’s neighbor’s dick was so long it was bent
To keep out of trouble
She stuck it in double
And instead of coming he went
Did I really do a pick me dance
with a man who lied about the diseased dick in his pants
His cheating was all in my head
Don’t leave me, he manipulatively plead
Down I fell from my confident stance
Because, see, there’s a heck of a lot more
He was also a sugar daddy to a whore
A stand up man in the community
He expected impunity
It’s not what you think, he did implore
8 more women I did discover
he texted them all one right after another
If I was the love of his life
he sure found a way to stab my heart with a knife
This man was nothing like my standup brother
Gaslighted, a new word I added to my vocabulary
Sociopath, too, a natural corollary
Blameshift, he did
And then I found out about his illegitimate kid
Yikes, my fairy tale beginning became ever so scary
See, I fell hook, line and sinker
For a man who lied about everything, including his herped dinker
In the end, phone records proved I was right
It’s beyond me, how he could sleep through the night
Cheaters. They all belong in the clinker
If you’re hurting because of the fact
That your previous marriage contract
Was just one great big lie,
Gain a Life, Say “Goodbye,”
and get going with your No Contact.
It scans quite nicely, and now I know what ‘anapest’ means. Thanks, CL!
Improved:
Are you hurting because of the fact
That your previous marriage contract
Was just one great big lie?
Fuck that bitch, say “Goodbye,”
And get going with your No Contact.
Because everything is better with fucks and bitches.
Leave a Cheater, Gain
A Life is a book that saved
Me from my wife.
“Oh, go fuck yourself,
You dirty fucking tramp whore.”
Yes, I’m potty-mouthed.
“I want a divorce,”
She said, but sat around and
Made me do the work.
‘Be my Valentine?’
I used to beg pleadingly
Now retort, ‘Fuck no!!’
He struggled to speak,
“It looks bad, because it is”,
His Petri dish dick.
*claps*
Pun intended
There once was a terrible lay
Who loved sex?? – at least that’s what he’d say.
He sneaked off, an affront!
But I pity her cunt.
I suspect that he’s closeted gay.
(And one more, inspired by a true story, that I’m chuckling too much not to share – and then I’ll endeavor to be done. This has been fun and quite therapeutic!)
There once was a female annoyer
Who smiled as she rode her employer.
She came back from the ride
Feeling herpes inside
And the smile on the face of my lawyer.
As he walked out the door he cried (boo hoo),
And called out to me, “I’ll always love you!”
But he couldn’t deny his fate,
As he’d found his soulmate.
What a mind fuck! But today I’m reborn anew!
The child she said wasn’t mine
By then who knew truth from the lyin’?
The semen on undies could well have been Sunday’s
When she fucked him right after cryin’
There was an old man with a grey beard
Who’s Stepford wife said It’s as I feared,
Two hookers, ten skanks
Some guys too, gee thanks!
I loved to spend V-day getting pap-smeared!
Love it!
Since we are both EMTs
I suppose I kind of can see
How fucking your medic
Would be copacetic
On shift at Station 193.
There once was an asshole named Ed
Who liked to pay hookers for head
Crying, “Whah! Take me back!”
Well I’ll pass on that, Jack
So glad to be out of your bed!
I paid hundreds to the IRC
So they could blame it on me
The whole thing seemed shady
Till I found ChumpLady
Now divorce papers will set me free
Dementor Dad left our family vacation
At our house he had Craigslist gyrations
With rage texts and suing
His venom keeps spewing
My Patronus is shaped like Chump Nation!
Yaaaaayy!!
There once was a man with a collar
Who worshipped the almighty dollar
Schmoops Great Aunt had died,
So he cheated and lied…
Now she can dance pretty and cry.
There once was a twat names Miss Piggy
Who’s chest, ass and tits were too biggy
X’s dick it did slip
While away on a trip,
But we’re just friends he replied!!!
Day and night she got secret calls
skulked her way through seedy hotel halls
sex sucked with that hog
Wish I’d been born a dog
At least I could lick my own balls
Flush the dank water your dirty storm brought to me I can see a rainbow
oops it mutated my 3 line haiku into one but you get it, my attempt at a might haiku
Flush the dank water
your dirty storm brought to me
I can see a rainbow
I love this one.
Ditto
Your excuses became rather flighty
Imploded the family, how untidy
Oh how you lied
I thought I had died
But good riddance, I am now feeling mighty
Back then she was known as Kathi
A cute chick that tickled my fancy
Imagine my surprise
To find she was in disguise
And was really the Queen of Immorality
Enjoy the restaurants I took him to
Listen to future faking he will spew
He’ll retire in three years
Soon you will own my old fears
Thanks for being his needy screw.
You have forgotten
I am stronger and smarter
I rock this divorce!
Mighty words!
He thought he was mighty on his polo horse
Never one to believe women were after his cash, of course
Oh he lied to each and fucked them all
Till one bore his child last fall
Now his PB reputation is far far worse
You stalk the internet looking for prey
Pity the teen who crosses your way
But the joke is on you
The cops know it too:
Comeuppance this Valentines’ Day
Yes!
So is anyone watching *Escape at Dannemora*? It is RIVETING, for what it says about life outside the prison as well as in. If you recall the news stories, the machinations of star cheater and total narcissist Tilly Mitchell were pretty jaw-dropping. NO SPOILERS, but I didn’t have any trouble understanding Tilly’s final conversation with the guard in the finale, and neither will any regular Chump Lady readers (“not understanding implications of final scene” is apparently a thing).
Here’s a Valentine for poor chump Lyle Mitchell,
Whose wife is a cheater–that bitch will
Fuck crooks in her shop
Play both bottom and top
But ya don’t know when karma will hit-cha!
There was a sex addict named Danny
Ran off with his floozie named Franny
The love of his life
He made her his wife
Stepmom`s sister, should he call her Auntie?
A married lesbian he liked to fuck
Kept her a secret and created a muck
See he was fucking several others
Mainly locaal divorced mothers
Lies finally caught up and so did his luck
It’s no longer a secret in his tony town
He was a man known to mess around
Her kid came out healthy
And she sued him bc he’s wealthy
Lifetime of child support payments for that ass clown
what’s his life like now
how in the fuck would I know
meh meh meh meh meh
A sad and outraged haiku:
What You Gave Me
I gave you children
In return were evil growths
Wherein they were birthed
I gave you kindness
In return an ugly smirk
Chuckling at my pain
I gave you my faith
In return you cast me out
Darkness forever
I’ll give you just this
As your ring circles the bowl
Cold vow of vengeance
*note: the evil growths refer to precancerous cervical polyps from HPV. I didn’t want people to get the wrong idea and think I was comparing my kids to evil growths.
After Dday you fled
And I was so blue.
Now karma and meh
Are happening to you.
With ChumpNation I read
and no longer felt blue.
So karma and meh
Are surrounding me too!
He thought himself the God of desire
The arrow was bent; a tragic misfire
It went south, west, north, then east
Pierced the heart of a classless beast
Blamed it on the arrow; it went haywire.
my ex narc is as fragile as glass
now that I know he takes it up the ass
he tried to cover
with a female lover
but I took pictures of his underwear : )
doesn’t rhyme, but I still got evidence for when ever he wants to hoover
I’m thinking……..Billboard
Writing a haiku
Is therapy for this Chump,
Because…fuck that bitch.
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet. No, wait,
It was OM’s dick.
there once was an African prince
whose penis needed a rinse
it was so international, multi-cultural and diverse
anywhere in the world it’s perverse
Disordered fuckwit.
I was the OM in her
Marriage to herself.
So great
So true
Completely addicted to porn
and kept his pubes closely shorn
He met her on Tumblr
In my house he did bone her
I left him and now he’s forlorn
Good one, hahaha
Hairy dog now sleeps.
Where hairy man-child once snored.
Seems I’ve traded up.
Dogs make much better partners.
He lied to us all
He thought he was a playboy
So I exposed him
I don’t want herpes
He lied to me about it
So I exposed him
He was fucking 8
He lied to me about it
So I exposed him
He didn’t like it
Too fucking bad I’m not sad
Oh, he deserved it
i once married a man named ray
who promissed to god to never stray
until faced with a young ass jiggling twat
he stuck his dick in it and was caught
now he whines he didnt mean for it to happen that way
She said she never would roam
Found a new “soul mate ” as Shiny as chrome
she gave him her cootch
Her turned out to be a douche
and now she begs to come home
Sorry he turned out to be a douche
2018 I made him a Valentine’s cake
Not knowing he was a POS fake
He had a woman in every port
But it was his secret baby mamma who took him to court
This year it’s for me that I bake
I don’t even know what to say
As you masturbate your life away
You say porn’s no addiction
But I have a prediction
Your next love will need inflated to play
Mistress texted me one night
With hard proof your head ain’t right
Because of SCHMOOPIE
And her jealousy
I won the custody fight
He was an entitled trophy hunter
And cheated on his girl with women who looked like their was face kicked in by a football punter
One was on the news
But she was just a another dirty skank with fancy shoes
It’ll be a good day when she gets his herpes on her cunter
There once was a therapist so charming.
But his clinical methods were alarming.
“I’ll fix your head if you get in my bed.”
Lost his therapy license, he’s now farming.
What’s that you say? You rue the day
you left just to get a new lay?
Cause I got the kids and the car and the house
And half of your 401K?
She put him through school with no thanks
16 years, 4 children, her heart sank
for a fool he took her,
as he played with a hooker,
Now she’s laughing all the way to the bank.
What happens to men who cheat and lie,
making their wives and children cry?
When you stick your penis in a sparkly new Venus,
You contract an STI
Darling you put me through hell
How far from grace you fell
But Karma’s a bitch
Your girlfriend’s a witch
And also she’s not aging well
You put me through so much pain
Making me believe I was insane
Carrying your 4th child,
Your unimpressive penis roamed wild.
But I’m the one to blame?
I treated you like royalty.
What do I get for my loyalty?
The official diagnosis-
Bacterial vaginosis
Oh, what magnanimity!
Oh sweetheart, it’s too late.
I hope the sex was great,
The jig is up, you’re so fucked.
I’m finding a new soulmate.
Heard she threw your stuff in the yard,
Oh dear, you must be so scarred.
She tired of your dearth?
Your lack of girth?
Your inability to keep it hard?
Are you sorry….or sorry you’re caught?
May thy tiny dick wither and rot
for breaking my heart.
I deserve a new start!
Thank goodness I’m still smokin’ hot.
Your infidelity had many faces
No limit to ways you disgraced us
But the day’s finally come
And I’m moving on
It’s Amazing the pain time erases
Trolling Craigslist ads
M4W M4M
Greedy little pig.
There was a dirty old skeeze named Dave
Who constantly trolled Craigslist in his cave
He skyped, sexted, snap-chatted and called
Without mentioning he was diseased, fat and bald
Then wondered why he wasn’t a fave.
This one was based on a story he told me (his WIFE!) about a “car date” he arranged through Craigslist with a male stranger one night, where the other guy took one look at him as he walked up to the car and just shook his head “no”. Weirdly, I think he told me that story so that I would reassure him of his desirability and prop up his ego. I did not.
What I did get from the story, among other revelations (number one was HE WAS FUCKING MEN, TOO), was that he obviously lied about his appearance, age, whatever to his potential fuck-buddies. What a surprise!
A charming deceptive liar was revealed
In a letter to me, one of his whores squealed
“Release him right now since we’re soul mates, he’s mine”
Not really, you’re just one of 6, but that’s fine
Now I’m free, happy, no contact and healed
Your last girl just left you for non stop cheating with whores
You told kids she was a lesbian; it’s a lie, of course
Around the same time despite 2 years of no contact
You wrote an apology begging for holidays back
How do you live with no brain or kibble source?
Strippers, hookers, hoes
Entitled? aDICKted? “Who knows?
You suck head to toes
Had to try a haiku! Forgive the 8th syllable…
It sounded better than Lost? 😊
I gave everything
Twenty-four years of my life
You took everything
I was married to a bore
Whose little ego got sore.
He fucked with me,
I set myself free.
Now he is stuck with the whore.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If he’ll fuck AP in the third row,
He’ll fuck others, too.
Violets are purple.
Tulips are pink.
There really isn’t a level,
To which he won’t sink.
Silver like a dime,
Copper like a penny.
Ask him why he did this,
His reasons are many.
It was real fun!
I wouldn’t get caught!
It was all that I wanted!
Your love was for naught.
Winter skies are gray,
He doesn’t give a fuck.
Just like CL says,
TRUST THAT THEY SUCK!
Not a limerick, but oh well! This was fun!
The unhappy dick decided to stray
Along came Shmoopie “say, I’ll be your lay”
His wife broken hearted
Was sad he departed
Now she’s wised up and she’s making him pay
His phone looked like mine.
But I saw a text message
to her and I knew.
He smiled at his phone.
He read “50 Shades of Grey”
with her and not me.
One more, this time in limerick style!
My light went out when I found out,
it wasn’t very pretty.
Eight years since, my heart has a fence
with a gate I can close without pity.
I guess I’m getting inspired by the topic today. Forgive me for being an opportunity hog? Here’s ONE MORE:
The coldest space is
that distance on the mattress
between you and me
Want to hear a not so funny joke
My boyfriend texted 17 women last Valentine’s day,
Many he was fucking
I had no clue, he’s a bi
I love realtors, lonely divorcees, your best friends, my female business associates and especially a married lass
I’m just what women want a narcissist who thinks he has class
I am a compulsive liar, womanizer and serial cheater
It’s so much fun to poke em with my diseased peter
I’m now in hell and those I hurt wrote my epitaph
Want to hear a not so funny joke
My boyfriend texted 17 women last Valentine’s day, the dumb ass bloke
So many he was fucking
I had no clue, I kind of thought he was ugly duckling
If they all saw his phone records that day, they would croak
(Seriously this is my reality and why I am part of Chump Nation)
The weeds in the garden they grow
I thought my sheets were white as snow
Found out he was lying
Sex he was buying
And the storm continues to blow
Old ex-flame now living in Richmond
Still struggles with sex addiction
She just shuffles along
Her mind on the shlong
Of the last guy to share her affliction
Valentine flower
A waste of money and time
A sack of wheat dust
His smile could not have been brighter
His bike shorts could not have been tighter
Yes I carried his torch
But the cheating did scorch
Turns out the torch was the OW’s Bic lighter
Twas the night before V day
and in through the door
Walked the cheater with roses
And lies galore
I’d just discovered his cheap little whore
So I kicked his ass
Right back out the door
I’m a good Christian girl who makes lots of money
You jumped at the chance to make me your honey
I fell for the ruse
Then discovered the truth
Then divorced you and now life is sunny
Oh Marry Me, Please!
While I fuck around on you
My Darling Cupcake.
Happy Valentine’s Day
There once was a psycho named Tony
Whose entire persona was phony
Covert battles he fought
‘Til he finally got caught
Not again will I let him control me
The neighborhood whore called herself Kitty
Her life skills were really quite shitty
And her hole was so icky
But you weren’t so picky
Because your dick is so itty-bitty.
Whore’s purple lipstick
At your mother’s funeral,
Have you no shame, Dave?
And yes, his neighborhood whore came uninvited to his mother’s funeral wearing a short, tight purple dress with purple stilettos and the infamous purple lipstick. She looked like the cheap hamburger whore she was. I call her hamburger whore, because she literally fucked him for a big mac and fries. For 10 years she spread her legs for fast food and an occasional meal at Carrabba’s. She should’ve had salads instead. Later, after I found out and he kicked her to the curb, she texted that she felt sorry for me because I wasn’t the “strong, independent woman” that she was. Bitch, you sat on your lazy skank ass collecting benefits from the state your whole life, while I went to work every day. She sat at home all day watching TV and posting relationship memes on Facebook waiting for the scraps he would throw her way, after he met up with randos he picked up from Craigslist. That is, when her utilities were on. When they were turned off, she just sat in her dark, smelly house all alone. “Her man” (formerly mine) wouldn’t open his wallet up to turn them back on. Meanwhile I was going to out of state music festivals, thriving at work, doing art projects, reading, working out, learning and growing. After he dumped her ugly ignorant drug-abusing ass, she begged him to come back to her, even though he said some very cruel things to her and left her in the harshest way possible. I have money in the bank that I earned and a beautiful, creative house in my name only, courtesy of “her man”. She lives in government housing with dirty furniture snagged off the street on trash day. She has one son in prison and the other one is headed there. I have self-respect, health insurance (!) and my kids are kicking life’s ass. So which one of us is the “pathetic loser” that she called me?
Not even a comparison. Trash begets trash. Good riddance to them both.
Cheater Facebook status:
In a relationship now.
Backdate that shit a decade.
Brilliant!!
GMSB you need to go on the road. Too funny!
There once was a CPA cheater
With a stupidly wandering peter.
He couldn’t account
For the full slut amount,
His spreadsheet should have been neater.
Daughter saw nude whore
Pics on your phone, but
You are mad at her?
I’m so sorry. How terrible. Hugs to you and your daughter.
Saturday nights you went out on the town
With your whore that dressed like a clown
You left me alone in our bed
To fuck her instead
Then cried when it all came tumbling down.
She had no personal hygiene
And the things that she said were so mean
But you kept going back
For another whack at her crack
Until you found out she wasn’t so keen.
There once was an idiot liar
Who set his whole family on fire,
When he saw smoke
He pretended to choke.
Poor little victim for hire.
Make the monthly checks
(You say I am worth nothing)
Direct deposit.
This!
Love this Cashmere!
You said that they were not all skanks
And for that I guess I should say thanks
But the STDS you gave me don’t lie
Your choices could have caused me to die
They all had diseased holes and cranks.
Saturday nights you went out on the town
With your whore that dressed like a clown
You left me alone in our bed
To fuck her instead
Then cried when it all came tumbling down.
She had no personal hygiene
And the things that she said were so mean
But you kept going back
For another whack at her crack
Until you found out she wasn’t so keen.
It’s not like you were so great in bed
And your prowess is all in your head
But by getting a cheap strumpet
To blow your little trumpet
You got quantity over quality instead.
When I look at you
I wonder what I valued
You aren’t worthy.
Your ads on Craigslist were simply cut and pasted
The dark side of life was what you tasted
You’re a narcissistic ass
I’m giving you a hard pass
My time with you was truly wasted.
You’re really a ridiculous buffoon
That is why you’re singing such a sad tune
The guys and gals that you fuck
Know you totally suck
And you know you’ll get your comeuppance soon.
I ’m not privy to all the lies you told
But I do know that you are ever so bold
You said what? I was frigid?
But you can’t stay rigid
That’s why those little blue pills are sold.
Your gold wedding ring
Never stopped you from playing
With other women.
Meetings in dark parking lots by empty malls
Gotta give it to you, buddy you’ve got balls
‘Cause to give a stranger a suck
In the back seat of your truck
Could have lead to some seriously bad pitfalls.
You put yourself and your dick on a throne
Always looking for new holes to bone
Man, woman, what’s the diff?
You can’t even stay stiff
Now you’re going to die all alone
I had my own FOO issues I’ll admit
But your family was really into some shit:
Incest, pedophilia, excessive drinking
Man, what was I thinking?
I should have thrown in the towel and quit.
You became a boring, drunk lout
Your motto: don’t whisper, just shout
I still thought you could be fixed
Til I saw your dick pics
I was so happy to kick your ass out!
My ex was a filthy old skeeze
He literally dripped with disease
He begged and cried he would change
Meanwhile, still trolling for strange
I said just give me your house keys.
Was all the sneaking around and lies necessary?
If you wanted the single life, why did you marry?
That’s right, you knew you were weird
And you really needed a beard
And someone to shave your back, cause it’s hairy.
Ever the shortest kid in class
For every sport they picked him last
“Here is a way to change my fate!
I’ll expertly lie and manipulate!”
A great plan ’til I took all his cash
No game could be finer
than sexting with minors
I give ’em a wink
and they send me a link
to some photos– do you know a good lawyer?
It sucked to be me.
Then you traded so far down,
It sucks to be you!
Yay, number 500!
I once met a man I adored
Whose acts I later abhorred.
Why did he cheat?
Why to find fresh meat
And to brag that again he scored!
(it’s not the NHL, asshole!)
He was a real first class liar
From this he would nev-ver tire!
When I found my mighty
His life got quite blighty
Situation? A real quagmire.
Think lying is cool?
May your balls freeze this winter!
Betrayal is weak.
You suck donkey balls!
I sing and dance and laugh in
Your glorious absence.
You are the Darkness
That will never cross my path.
The Light erases you now.
You just ate kibbles
I was a good appliance
Yet I’m so gone now.
Where will you find me?
Knocking on the door of Meh.
Eternally gone!
It looks quite consequential
The plateau of your potential
There’s no need for self reflection
You missed the mark on perfection
Playing a victim of the distinct differential
You need him, I don’t
No shame in poor investments
Stocks are my option
I thought I needed
you so I would be happy
But I am enough
Narc says “I don’t believe in my vow”
so of course he can fuck any cow.
Sad sausage with all that you wrecked
You better know that I have self respect
So sign these divorce papers now
Ode to another cheater I know..
You had a younger flower
Then you lost your power
The affair discovered
Lies uncovered
Now your marriage looks sour😜
Ode to another cheater I know..
You had a younger flower
Then you lost your power
The affair discovered
Lies uncovered
Now your marriage looks sour😜
Such a timeless love
Phone rings, Where the FUCK ARE YOU
Can’t you just trust me