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When your ‘match’ is a married motivational speaker

Friend of this blog, and interior design blogger superstar herself, Laurel Bern, recently sent me a funny account of her dating travails.

Sick and tired of being alone after six years and with the writing on my meh mug, long worn off from repeated dishwashings, I put up a dating profile on match.  Yeah. I did. 

Tracy, every time I read the word “chemistry” I want to throw up a little in mouth. Okay, maybe more than a little. 

Having a little time on my hands tonight, which is kind of rare, I got on the site and checked out my matches. One gentleman who calls himself “John” (could we be a little more original?) said that he’s 64. Nice looking, except that his photo says 44– 48– TOPS. 

Here ya go. 

(This is not “John” but an unhappy kitten I have substituted. CL)

Right?  Like a blond Ted Bundy? Adorbs.

On Dirk’s profile on matchdotCON (the other photo, not seen, is him from a distance with his daughter at her graduation from something) He also has a son. Oh, it says on the profile that he has no kids? 

Well, he does.

“I am an active, energetic person who is filled with gratitude for the life I have. I take the time to marvel at the look of a spectacular sunset, to listen to the sounds of birds chirping in the Spring, to smell the leaves in the Fall, to savor the taste of salt water on my lips, and to feel the warmth of a hand in mine. Music is in my soul, and is expressed in the songs I hum, sing, play, and write. Contributing my time and talent is important to me – I try to do what is right, even if it’s not in my personal best interest. I place a high value on integrity, honesty, generosity, and kindness.”

(Barf! – CL)

[clearly] 🙄😢 “And, although I sometimes ponder the meaning of life, I never miss the opportunity to be childlike[ish] to laugh, have fun, and be playful… and to use my sharp mind and quick wit. I have both the freedom and the zest for Visiting friends and family, Vacationing in wonderful places, and Volunteering for worthy causes.”
*********

So, what does Laurel do?

Laurel takes the image of “john” and puts it in google images. 

And voila. She finds the REAL John. It took all of 30 seconds.

John is really a bleach-toothed motivational speaker named DIRK LIAR 

Not his name. And neither is he a kitten. But Laurel did send his actual Facebook profile and support group pages. And the link to his personal motivation videos, which I will spare you. Because I love you and I care.


And finally, Dirk’s beautiful WIFE, uhhhh… obviously not the one that made him a “widower.” which of course is bullshit 🙄😢😟

To be clear, I have absolutely no idea who these people are. I have not communicated with this man. It is remotely possible that it’s a fake profile and someone else ripped off his pics and is actually a bonafide swindling con artist. But I don’t think so. This dude is too visible in the real world with zillions of videos and on and on. A professional con would go for someone who looks like this but there’s nothing else out there about them.

Could it be that Dirk-boy is merely going through an existential crisis? I’m sure that he is, but does it have to involve cheating on his beautiful wife and fucking with untold numbers of women on the internet? Apparently, it does.

Believe me. I’m tempted to fuck him over royally. I could. But, I won’t.

Clearly, he’s a rank amateur cheater, or else he’s just plain STOOPID. HE puts up a pic of himself on match that he also uses on FAKEBOOK!? 

Takeaway for Dirk I-Snort-the-Sunset LIAR? Don’t fuck with bloggers who know how Google image search works. Laurel can source an ottoman with a couple blurry pixels. Your fuckery was never going to work here.

And my pro-tip for any aspiring daters in Chump Nation is to avoid anyone who mentions sunsets in their profile. Either, it was written by robots. (Whirp! Whirp! Must. Be. Comfortable. In. Jeans. Or. Tux. Whirp!) Or written with the hackneyed insincerity of a con artist.

EVERYONE likes sunsets. NEXT.

The UBT wants to date Dirk. (Are you a robot? Swipe right!)

The UBT has put Dirk’s prose through the Universal Bullshit Translator, because… Friday.

“I am an active, energetic person who is filled with gratitude for the life I have.

I have an energetic index finger that cuts and pastes dating profiles. I’m filled with gratitude for the wife I have (and her chumpiness).

I take the time to marvel at the look of a spectacular sunset,

I marvel that this line works on you.

to listen to the sounds of birds chirping in the Spring

I am a Disney forest creature twittering in a technicolor garden. Let’s dress Cinderella for the ball! I am as harmless as a bluebird with a thimble!

, to smell the leaves in the Fall,

Ah, leaf mold!

to savor the taste of salt water on my lips,

I like ALL THE SENSES! Do you have senses? All the better to dupe you with!

and to feel the warmth of a hand in mine. Music is in my soul, and is expressed in the songs I hum, sing, play, and write. Contributing my time and talent is important to me.

I am a misunderstood singer/songwriter who only wants to inflict his talent on a cruel world. Won’t you hold my warm, clammy hand as I sing to the sunset? I HAVE A CONTRIBUTION TO MAKE. To art! To life! To leaf mold!

Thanks Laurel for this warning to vet all your “matches”. CN, share your dating tips or motivational speaker horror stories. Remember — good people exist! You just have to wade through a lot of bleached teeth and sunsets.

TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Wow.

    And I thought the one who was ‘my match’ who wanted to drive 5 hours just to brush my
    hair was nuts.

    I was like, um… will you also decapitate me as well and put my head on your mantle
    for repeated hair brushings?

    I deleted my profile that day.

    LOL

    • My trans-identified ex told me he wanted to brush my hair, too, to give me pleasure and because it gave him pleasure. But it soon came out that what he really wanted was my hair for his own balding self, and his pleasure in imagining himself with long hair was more than matched by his resentment of my having brushable hair.
      You dodged a barrage of bullets!

    • Jodi, my very first instance of “chatting” with someone online he told me he was a (high powered) account executive near me. After a few minutes he asked if he could lick my feet while I was wearing high heels. I thought he was joking so said “sure”. It didn’t take too long to realize he was deadly serious!!!! Then when I told him to get lost he called me a frigid old cow. So I asked if he was such a hot shot executive what was he doing in on a Friday night!!! Told him I would be going to a local Irish pub on Saturday night (with some friends) to listen to a band and I would be wearing a red dress. Asked him if he had the balls to show up!!! (I knew I was safe as I was with quite a crowd). Not sure if he showed up but he sure didn’t contact me. F….ing weirdo!

    • OMG!!!!
      I just discovered this designer on Pinterest the other day and immediately fell in love with her work and her writing. She is very funny.

  • The moment you see:
    I’m the man of integrity
    I value honesty
    I love sunset, puppies and long walks on the beach
    I am an honest person
    I don’t focus on material stuff or beauty( 🤢 barf) but in the inside

    Etc.
    RUN RUN RUN….

    All that and more were a lines from the dating profiles of my husband ( 🤢)

    Whatever they put out there- it’s the opposite in real life

    • Yeah…. I matched with a guy whose profile said “We’ll get along if you’re straight forward trust worthy and never lies” (sic) … we chatted for a bit and he kept gushing about my beauty and how dumb my ex was to leave me, and how could I not be inundated with men trying to get with me? I went on FB and put in his name, and VOILA! He’s got a profile and guess what….*dun dun dun* it says he’s married! I click through and yep, married last year to some barbie princess looking woman, who is gushing over how much she loves him!

      I asked him if he’s married and he says no. I say, divorced? No. I say, ok dude, either you’re lying or cat fishing me…. he sends me some crying faces and asks why would I say that??

      I have half a mind to send screenshots of our conversation to his wife, but I’m minding my own this time.

      Online dating sucks.

  • I have two kinds of friends. One kind, happily partnered, who keep telling me I should try online dating because it is time for me to get out there. The other kind, who have tried online dating, tell me that it can inspire horror or hysterical laughter, but that it is not a great place to meet people.

    I am thinking the better advice is coming from the second group!

    • What worked for me was signing up to do something I love. I joined a sports league (I’m in my 60s, so this is not impossible). I know people who belong to a nature group that plants flowers, who volunteer at shelters or food banks, who join the local volunteer fire department to help raise money, etc. There is work to do in the world. There is fun to be had. What if a group has few people of the right gender for you? Those people know people. And because you are doing something you love, you are becoming ever more attractive as a person and a friend.

    • I met my current husband on Match. He is awesome! I also met some real jerks. The fact is that on-line is just like real life. There are some diamonds and some toads. The key to dating in any venue is to keep your standards and boundaries high. And be cautious.

  • I had loads of pressure to post a dating profile post-divorce and I never did. It just seemed to me like it would be the least efficient way to find what I was looking for, an authentic human being. How can I reasonably decide who might be good to meet based on a written description and photo?

    Now I am not criticizing or judging – I support each chump in his/her own journey. Some people have had immense success with online connections and I don’t want to invalidate that.

    I just know that, for me, it was not the right path. Before I even arrive at the date, I feel I need to have seen the creature in the wild in it’s natural habitat to determine whether its innate behaviors are safe to approach. Too easy to lie online and/or get help writing a profile.

    UBT, you are a beacon of smart!

  • I’m not even ON any dating sites and I get crap like this in my FB messenger. There must be a secret YouTube marketing tutorial for men that instructs them on the most likely image ( rugged 40-50 something), occupation (retired military, working for a petroleum company), and status ( always widowed) that gets them the most clicks. Sometimes I love to play with them, asking them about the fake school they attended, or if it’s real I say I went there too. Often I’ll find whose picture it REALLY is and let them know they aren’t fooling anyone, and sometimes, if I’m really devious, I’ll send the actual person a screen shot and let them know they are being impersonated. I did this once when some guy impersonated a relatively famous person IN MY FIELD, so I wrote them letting them know what was going on. Sheesh…. still, it must work for these guys, as they keep doing it!

    • I never friend anyone on Facebook I don’t already know. My 18 year old daughter, however, made the mistake of friending a guy she thought was attending the same university in the fall and was looking to meet fellow students. He then started messengering her saying he was a lonely soldier overseas and she was hot and he was madly in love with her. She had to block him to get rid of him.

      • There is a whole business in Nigeria to scam middle aged/older folks out of their savings by “Yahoo boys” who scan online dating sites and Fakebook looking for lonely victims.

        Get out there and live your life

        • The TREASURER of my county, a 50ish married woman, sent the “love of her life” Nigerian scammer $200,000 of her family funds, then started stealing from the county and sent him another at least $140,000 in stolen money.
          She is in jail. Her husband stood beside her, paid back the stolen money.

          The story of this “relationship” is scary. She was an intelligent, educated woman. Just, how?

    • Oh my God GrandeDame, bingo. I had been on a dating site about 10 minutes when a soon-to-be-retiring US Marine Corps General (I think) hit on me. Same age as me. A widower (so no ex wife). Son – 18 and at college, and as he was soon to be retiring he was free to travel. Asked me my background and I sent him a couple of paragraphs. When I asked him his background I swear the Encyclopaedia Britannica came back – he nearly crashed my computer. So many pages, facts, figures, where he went to military training, where he served and so on. Oh and he couldn’t call me or Facetime because he was in a war zone and would “soon have to get back to speak to his boys”. He was born in 1958 (like me) and in amongst his spiel he had put that he graduated from West Point in 1966!!! I just roared laughing. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure West Point isn’t Marine Corps and I’ve never heard of anyone graduating from there at the age of 8. PLUS I had just got rid of one dickhead Marine (my apologies to all the decent marines out there) and I certainly wasn’t looking for another one. So I played him along for a bit and eventually asked how he had graduated at the age of 8 – that profile was taken down in about 10 seconds flat. At the end I asked him what the weather was like in Lagos! Two days later I got another “soon to be retiring” Marine Corps Lieutenant!!! Ha, ha, it was so bloody funny to string them along!

      • Wow – fantastic catches – a Marine that graduated from ‘the Point’ at age 8 -too freaking funny! I am a retired Master Sergeant and I would be glad to help any of you with questions about possible military (or ex) – but seems like most of you are way too savy! I’ve only recently discovered CL and I love it – you guys are really good – the Valentine’s contest was hilarious! (I’ve got my own marital issues – seems I’ve had a world class liar and didn’t know it!)

        • Welcome Jax (though Im sorry you had to be here). By the way, sorry about punctuation etc but keyboard playing up again. Anyhoo, to me it seems this one particular site only has “soon to be retiring US Marines” so you could maybe take on a side gig deciphering these idiots profiles.

        • Jax,

          I have a question for you 🙂

          My cheater/liar just got promoted to Major. We’re supposed to go to mediation soon where I know he’s going to try to screw me out of everything :/ Do I bother threatening to go to his Commander and threaten to tell them about the cheating? Or, in fact, go tell them about the cheating? Will it matter at all or help me out in anyway? I just hate that he is going to screw me and the kids like this.

          Maybe we can start a chat in the forum?

          P.S. I’m the second wife he has done this to. (I know, I know, I’m a chump. He had really good excuses about why he did it to the first one and I believed him.)

          • Welcome Jax, to the club no one ever wanted to belong to. But this is one bunch of hilarious, brilliant folks. I don’t even think much of my cheater anymore but I rarely miss a day of CL or CN because they are all so dang smart and funny. I’ve actually met some of these people in real life and made some life long friends. Everyone gets you here.

          • unexpected Chumpiness – please get yourself to a lawyer as soon as possible. You have no time to lose. I don’t know how the military process works on cheating but I’d guess that him being promoted to Major will not help your process. Protect yourself and your kids most of all! Good luck!

          • Hellounexpected! This guy as a major (field grade officer) is supposed to be the epitome of integrity – the younger troops are supposed to be able look up to him – you almost have an obligation to RAT HIS ASS OUT NOW! He no more belongs in a position of trust (especially with young female troops) than Ted Bundy a position at Vasser! If he is committing adultery on active duty he is in violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) to wit – ‘conduct unbecoming a senior officer of the service, violations of the officer code of conduct, AND dereliction of duty’ – and if he had a sexual encounter during duty hours he is to be considered AWOL! (And + Each encounter is separate AWOL offense)! Please for the good of the service go to a JAG lawyer on base (AFTER confering with YOUR off base lawyer so they won’t be able to turn it back on you) and report him with as much evidence as you can – it’ll be best for the good of the service – to make it simple ‘ – He’s in a ‘world of shit! ( movie – ‘Full Metal Jacket ) if you have evidence and don’t report it you are indirectly complicit and YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!!!

          • Hey – as unexpectedchumpiness’ major asshole is in a ‘world of shit’ – I am in a ‘world of pain’ with my cheater – and I’m now battling some extreme PTSD flair ups ( Viet war x 2 tours, a tour right on the Korean DMZ and a tour of the Somalia fiasco – watching kids starve to death puts your soul in a shredder) I’m not fit company for anyone right now! But I have something no one can take – my integrity!!!
            This site (and the superb people on it) actually makes me feel like it was worth it after all! And if ever meet up with chumplady I’m buying whatever she’s drinking for as long as she wants!!!

    • Words with Friends is just as bad. Every guy has a goatee, gray hair, and widowed. Don’t get me wrong – I like facial hair – but c’mon. They all play a few rounds and then want to chat. I resign at that point. I just want to play the freaking game!

      • MISS BAILEY thanks for the comment on Words w/Friends. I can’t play without getting hounded by a “widower” who says he’s American but living overseas (and yes, often on oil rigs. Last night’s chatter says he is a surgeon somehow working in Cuba on contract…what? As the Doctor’s1stWife, I am sure he’s full of shit.

        Why can’t they just play the game and then MAYBE after several rounds of it, ask a normal question or just say hello?

      • XH found his schmoopie on Words with Friends. They were two poor, unappreciated souls who weren’t getting their desired level of “intimacy.” Interestingly, XH was never that great at spelling.

    • Bingo. Right there with you Grande. Its been so bad I wondered if there was some secret epidemic killing off all the middle aged military wives and the government was just keeping it secret in some huge conspiracy.

    • I get random Friend requests from males, often with what looks like stock photos of fun times or cats or cars. I’m not sure if they are just phishing or they are political bots. Either way–delete request.

  • My ex was the classic Match.com liar. He met his final OW on Match. I never got to read his dating profile as it never occurred to me my husband of over 20 years would be dating. I was told by the OW in a letter she wrote to me outing him that he of course stated he was divorced and that she thought he was single….at first. By the time she was sleeping with him she knew he was married with 4 children. It took me 2 years to wise up and divorce him (chumpy wreckonciliation) and hand him over to her. They are now married (no take backs!).
    Given what I knew about online dating sites being full of married men looking for future chumps, I could not bring myself to sign up. Four years after the divorce a friend urged me to give it a try as she was happily married to a man she met on Eharmony. So glad I gave it a shot and met my wonderful husband. I did date a few frogs before I found my prince. I was very skeptical of “sunset” type profiles and steered clear of any man with questionable pictures.

  • If you’d rather laugh than vomit, I recommend the book “They call me Naughty Lola: Personal Ads from the London Review of Book.” You still won’t ever want to date again, but you won’t feel so bad about it.

  • Vicious takedown! I could never wade in the swamp of online dating. My STBX, however, was successful on AM. It must be the province of swamp creatures.

    • It doesn’t take anything more than a credit card to be “successful” on AM. Great place to start a transactional relationship, anything more not such a good place to go. Although I doubt anyone on that site is looking for an actual relationship or love.

    • That’s where my ex met his Schmoopie (probably after interacting with bots for several years like the dumbass that he is). Is AM now a bonafide dating site? When my ex was on it, it was a site dedicated to people who wanted to cheat. Their motto was, “Life is short. Have an affair.” *vomit*

    • Believe me it is. My foray into made install a security system in my home. If I ever do it again I will I ask my family to do an intervention and buy me Rottweilers.

  • I’ll take Laurel’s super snooper to be correct on this guy – but –
    There are scammers-a-plenty using high profile pics & pedigrees on FB & Dating sites.
    I had two- TWO! friends scammed by the same Fakebook ‘friend’, a 4-Star General, widower, etc. (They’re ALWAYS widowers).
    One friend was dumb (or bored, or lonely, or too embarrassed?) enough to claim she had met the guy at a VFW when I asked if she’d met him in person. (Lie). But now he was off in Syria “ducking bombs”, sending fake pics, etc.
    I searched his image. Real general, who was married & currently on trial in the good ol’ USA for leaking top secret Intel. D’OH! And oh yes, married.
    Not too long after I broke the news to my friend, I got a FB friend request from the same guy-person-catfish.
    And I get 1-2 a week. There’s always one “mutual friend” : the above-mentioned dolt. She’s content to ‘fall’ for it. Translation: play along. And I think she has sent money. The last guy was going to marry/buy a house soon as his ship got in. Next thing ya’ know, she can’t pay her rent & had to move in with a relative.
    At this time I am too turned off of online dating to dive in. It hasn’t been very long though. It’s a shame that probably 75% of the people on these sites are liars & cheaters.

    • I can’t even imagine what goes through these women’s (and men) minds when they send money to online “boyfriends or girlfriends”. We’re not talking a few bucks some have sent hundreds of thousands to someone they believe is real but have never met in person & now they are tapped out financially. Absolutely mind boggling.

      • Sad but true-it happens. My small town local paper ran an article about a widow who fell for this and gave away all her retirement savings.

        • I’m not dating but yes, I agree the problem is not with online dating but with people of poor character… whom we all have learned can be met just about anywhere.

  • I met the Kunty Kibbler in 1996 via the personals of a local alternative newspaper (pre-internet, obviously), when I was 31. I can’t recall the wording of the ad I placed verbatim, but I realize now how I set myself up to be supply for a narc fuckwit:

    “. . . hoping to meet a SF (non-smokers, please) who understands that kindness, honesty and a quick wit are life’s greatest turn-ons.”

    All of it still holds true. The shame of it is that, if and when I give online dating another go, I’ll feel compelled to be less forthcoming about “the real me,” and be more skeptical about others.

    • That is what I find so sad; as chumps, we seek out honesty & integrity, but asking for that just gives the disordered fodder to dupe us.

      • One of the best lessons I’ve learned from Chump Lady and Chump Nation is, “watch what they do, not what they say.” I’m embarrassed to say it, but I didn’t do that enough during the first half of my adult life. It’s going to be my m.o. if and when I start dating. Gonna take my sweet time and assess character by assessing her actions.

  • What is it with the bleached teeth?? Nothing wrong if you want to do a little whitening. I look back on the all signs I missed with my ex cheater and the ways he was “improving” himself and the times he asked me to pick up a box of whitening strips. Your partner’s teeth glowing in the dark might not be a sign of cheating, but I’m just saying…

    • Any excess in grooming or appearance sets off my alarm bells! SOOOO many dating profiles where the guy posts his bare-chested pics. Or he’s 60 and has long long hair and is NEITHER Indigenous nor an artist/musician. The over-bleached teeth, the super muscled 50 year old (yeah, guy, you didn’t get THOSE muscles without some street steroids that have shrunk your balls and worsened your temper), the pics are all w/sunglasses ….

      Especially in my ‘mature’ age group, those are big flashing red flags.

      • My mother used the expression “never marry a man that fights you for the mirror”. I like a well groomed man that is active and stays fairly healthy, but men that obsess are not good relationship material.

        • My ex was always concerned about his appearance which was ok but then he started obsessing about mine which was first annoying and then hurtful. I am not a slob but I don’t have good fashion sense and I don’t wear shoes that hurt my feet.

        • Ha! Mine did always fight me for the mirror. It took him over an hour to get ready for going out. Once he was out of the bathroom ready he would declare that I had only 10 min to get ready and he was going to be out of the door and would not wait! I obeyed.

          I have two bathrooms now. All mine!

      • So true KarenE. This describes the Limited to a tee, the long hair, forever bare chested, teeth whitening and shaving his arms and chest. He weighed all of 145 pounds.

        My friends always commented on how they didn’t expect me to be with someone like him.

        He was a perfectionist and orderly in every way. It was always about the six pack he never quite achieved.

    • Patsy26:
      My Ex Peterpan did the sane thing with whitening strips..Also, started wearing cologne and starting eating salad..

        • Mine bought new shoes (really ugly designer ones) and got himself a personal trainer …he is 2 years younger than me …but now 7 years later…looks 10 +years older …i think it is guilt …his smoopie was a real charmer…alcoholic and he needed a dvo …sometimes they do get their karma 😊

  • After DDay, after ex had decided to quit MC and move out but before he had actually done anything about finding an apartment (or filing for divorce which I had to do a few months later), he and I were having dinner to discuss how the separation was going to work. Ex told me that Schmoopie’s then husband had a new girlfriend he had met on line but that he and Schmoopie were still living together and discussing possible reconciliation. Meanwhile, she was also on a dating site and going on dates while simultaneously being involved with ex too. He looked at me and said “you should go on a dating site”. I looked at him and said “no thanks, somebody in all of this has to maintain some sense of dignity”. I still can’t believe he chose to dive into that cess pool.

  • I am just too damn busy to try these dating sites. I’m 67, don’t think it is worth it from any way I look at the situation.

    • I’m 68. I tried dating sites 26 years ago, after my first divorce. I was 42 then. Was a waste of my time and creepy. But, my sweet sister-in-law found and married a great guy through a dating site. All four of us became friends for over 10 years, until my WH left me four months ago. My sister-in-law (from a previous marriage) and her current husband will always remain close to me.

  • Geez. How would an honest profile read? I can only imagine my cheater’s:
    “Entitled, self-absorbed ego-maniac who needs to be praised when I lift my feet so you can vacuum under them, seeks a doormat who will provide maintenance sex while I seeks “mind-blowing” sex with various OW. What is in it for YOU? I can go all night, due to my inability to orgasm caused by my unhealthy porn addiction/masturbation habits. Better stock up on pyridium, since you will need it. And if you don’t put out every day, I will pout like a spoiled child having his sucker taken from him. Speaking of sucking, I will expect a LOT of that from you. Currently unemployed, since I have difficulty being anything other than the boss. Oh, and YOU will definitely NOT be the boss of me. I have several really expensive hobbies that I expect indulgences from you on. Better be understanding. I will go out of town to exotic locales, but certainly won’t take YOU, since I plan on meeting up with Schmoopie, or some other woman, there. I expect the towels to be folded to my liking when I return.

  • In the 3 years my now ex flip flopped between husband Dad to 3 and single desirable dater extraordinaire… he asked to come home one time that stands out in particular.
    You know those Japanese bowls? The ones that break and they fix with hold? And they are more beautiful than before? Our marriage was going to be just that according to my ex. I love you… can I come home to make our family the best thing ever?….
    But he was still useing POF???
    So I made a fake profile…
    Fake picture… cute blonde 43 year old… nurse with a Mini Cooper.
    Hung my shingle on POF for all to see…
    Within 5 mins my ex had favorited her… and was messaging her.
    “Hi… bla bla lie lie…. I’m a nurse… love good coffee and starry nights…
    me too my name is ….. mine is… you wanna go out sometime?….
    Screen shot… delete profile.
    My ex is Hobosexual… he dates to move in. Fast…

    I’m not so much into online dating. They all have the lovely Cabo single guy shot, the bike shot, the me n my dog shot…
    I deserve more than to sift through the crud.
    I didn’t get to go to Cabo because my ex put our home into foreclosure. He bankrupted our business. He owes $70 thousand in child maintenance alone.
    I found some crazy stuff on his computer…
    So I’ll find safety elsewhere.
    I’m done being sluthchump…

    But I’d really like to go to Cabo!

  • I met the Predatory Opportunistic Predator on Match. That was ten years ago, I got him out of my life by way of eviction 8 years ago.

    Just recently, he popped up on Plenty of Fish. My heart stopped—PTSD rushed back into my life within a few days of seeing him on there. He was unavoidable, there was no way to delete or block his profile without us having prior contact.

    I took it upon myself to lobby POF to ban him. It took several repeated submissions of the sordid tale of what he did to me–his lifelong predatory cheating ways, the drunkeness, the physical and sexual assaults (he drugged me prior) and more. Begging them to keep him from harming anyone else–and warning them of their liability if someone were subsequently harmed now that they had been warned.

    I succeeded—he’s been banned. I am happy to say I accomplished the same on Match about 3 years ago. I’ve done all I can to limit his access to unwitting women.

    • This is stellar. Protecting others from his predatory ways shouldn’t be your responsibility, but good for you for turning that rage/fear to something productive.

      I wish there was a yelp for dating so we could give the real story on our cheaters and protect us chumps from the known disordered.

    • Hey – hesathecurb – that’s what I call it stepping up on the line and doing your duty – please take an Achievement Medal out of petty cash – you’re an example of a real soldier – I’d serve with you if I had to again!

  • Counterpoint, though: my sister met her husband (wonderful guy, even if he did go to Yale) on eharmony. He had been dating someone else (X) and, though he liked her, it hadn’t worked out and they’d broken up. He goes back on eharmony and there’s a message at the bottom of the screen “If you liked X, maybe you’ll like [IG’s sister]!”. He clicks on her profile, they go out, and the rest is history: married close to 10 years now. So yes, my sister got recommended to her future husband by some dating-site version of the Netflix or Amazon algorithm.

    • It’s amazing to me how many of the Sunday New York Times marriage announcements these days state that the couple met via a dating site! Even Tinder! Granted, these marriages haven’t yet gone any distance, but still! (Long gone are the days of having to be in the Social Register!)

  • Not every relationship found online has to be a horror story. You have to be vigilant, read a lot of profiles, and tune yourself into red flag key words.

    Even Match claims that up to 30% of the registered users are married, that includes the separated category. That is a scary statistic.

    At first I didn’t but now I find it is extremely easy to edit out the profiles that I believe are fake or simply people not for me- I’m ruthless about it, actually. It takes a bunch of slogging through the trash heap of narcs.

    I know men who say the same thing about women and women’s profiles on sites. My female friends say the same thing about the men.

  • IVY – You nailed It. My bet is 99% of these on-line daters are just as you described. I know 3 women who hooked up with on-liners who now deeply regret it. They started off being wonderful, great companions and real darlings; fast forward a couple years and they are selfish assholes with loads of baggage. i.e. kids, grandkids dysfunctional all of them. Phew, I’m dodging that bullet. My life is great I won’t let anyone spoil it for me. Of course that could be my age but both these women were retired and lonely. Fuck lonely! Get out and have fun. Just saying.

  • Knowing that my X, Mr. Sparkles, trolls dating websites (ever see MrGrey1968), I am reticent to put myself on there for dating. I’m sure there are decent guys there, but I think I’ll hold out for someone who has been referred through my inner circle of friends/family… old school matchmaking, if you will.

    True story: During my marriage police service, I had a personal ad on a site with nothing but my birthdate and single female. I had MORE responses to that ad than I ever did to the ones that had my photo and a well-written bio. Weird, right? (No, I’m not hard too look at… ha ha!.)

    Until, I’m raising my son to be a better man than his Dad (not a high bar, but still!) and we’re taking great trips every year and to quote Tracy’s aunt “my walls sing”… not sure where another person would fit in to this very happy universe for today.

  • I take an automatic pass on anyone with a long profile. My online dating experience has shown me that these people are all full of bullshit. I also pass on “sunsets”, which are almost always included in these essays.

    That profile has a ton of red flags, the kind you only start to recognize when you date online. I’ve met some great people and has some awesome dates. You just have to be super selective upfront, and, as a Chump you eventually learn that what you initially think makes a good profile is actually a warning to stay away. These long profiles are crafted to lure in people like us. I feel bad for OW who meet their “partner” online. Some of them are Chumpy too and the perfect prey for men like this. Many things about online dating that you have to be careful or go against your deepest beliefs.

    • LOL, I do just the opposite—if someone has little to no information in their profile, I have no interest. My experience is they are hiding something-usually their true self. Especially if they don’t post a picture.
      The ‘reasons why’ if asked are ridiculous and earn a ‘block’ immediately.

      • Oh multiple photos are a must for me. I don’t respond to anyone without a photo and I certainly don’t contact them. I wonder how they do on these sites. I figure the no photo people are married, but since finding this site I see that doesn’t stop people putting their photos up.

        I need something in a profile, but not an essay and I need multiple pics that I need to be able to tell are recent. The longer you are at this the longer your list gets. Mine’s pretty long. Lol.

        • I never put my photo on there because I have recognized people from work and in any case I take a lousy photo. A friend of mine went to meet an attractive looking woman for dinner (looked to be in her 40s) and when he got there she was late 60s. He said he didnt have a problem with that but you dont use a 25 year old photo. They went out to dinner anyway but that was it afterwards.

          • I had a good friend pick up a stalker on a dating site and after that wouldn’t post photo’s of herself. She would only give photo’s after she vetted a guy. So there are reasons people won’t post pictures. You just can’t be too careful posting pictures out into the universe.

  • After the Twat left me my friends nagged me to go online – what after 26 years of marriage? One time one of my colleagues read out the dating profile of a colleague (who was daft enough to put her photo on there) – turns out she was “sensual, romantic, liking long walks on the beach, looking at the stars”. You get the drivel. Well frankly if anyone put that on a dating profile (man or woman) I would just barf. So I wrote a very tongue in cheek profile – “fat, 50 and menopausal, got my own home, my own income and if you really want to know what I like in bed it’s a cheese sandwich and complete control of the TV remote”! I got so many responses from men saying “thank God for someone normal”. I met about 8 of them for coffee and/or dinner and with one exception they were just nice, normal guys. Two I dated and we are still friends. But the BEST time was when a woman “switched sides to check out the “opposition””. She wasn’t a woman looking for a woman she was just having a nose. She contacted me and we went out for a pizza together. She was an Irish divorcée and I had the best evening ever roaring laughing with her about our exes! She retired shortly after and went back to Ireland but by golly we had a great time. After that I kinda got fed up of it so signed off but for a time at least it was good fun! You’ve got to be careful though!

    • I can see mine now: “Almost 60, broke from divorce rape. I whitened my teeth for this. I earned my gray hair, and wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.”

    • Hmm. I might have to give this online dating thing a try after all. Sounds like it is more fun when you don’t really care and you are just having fun with it.

      Well, ok, not right now as I am dating someone, but if that falls through…

      The other thing I might try if I find myself unattached again would be speed dating. That sounds like fun. I don’t know if it is really a good way to find “the one” but it would be a hoot trying to see what you can find out about people in 30 seconds or less (or whatever the time limit is).

      • I LOVE that profile. I probably would have messaged you just to say how great it was. I also did online dating and there were some real flops and a scammer narcissist. Mistakes were made. But then I found a very lovely woman and we have been together for almost 6 months and we are very happy thus far.

        One of the things I aimed to do was to be very upfront about all of my weirdness, sarcasm, and controversial attributes (namely my sexual orientation, gender identity, and politics). My now girlfriend and I connected by then discussing at length our worst attributes and reasons why the other should not date us. It worked out well for us and eventually we met and started dating and it’s been good. So online dating is definitely a mixed bag.

        • I love this, marissa! ‘discussing at length our worst attributes and reasons why the other should not date us’. Laughing aloud at my desk here. Maybe I will try that the next time I date!

          And ditto on putting my politics etc out there. Yes, I like to read; no, I don’t think Dan Brown is a great novelist. Left of left, and if you own a car, there had better be a VERY good reason! (Sorry car owners out there, I live in a big city and can manage fine without! Even raised 2 kids that way!)

  • During my cheater’s first stint as a “motivational speaker,” he got a gig at a local business doing motivational work with their sales force. Apparently, he was so bad that they actually refused to pay him the full amount of money. I have no idea if he still considers himself a motivational speaker these days, but IMHO, most such people are simply narcissists. Same thing for “life coaches” or any similar title.

    Anyway, I actually met my current husband on POF. Been happily married for two years now. You have to be careful on the dating sites and for sure kiss a lot of toads before you find a prince, but it can be done.

    During my time on the dating site, however, I spotted one guy I actually knew….. he was a hairstylist that cheater and I used and were friends with. I eventually learned that when cheater and the hairstylist stayed after appointments to “smoke cigars” together, they were actually fucking each other. Hairstylist was married with two daughters. Anyway, needless to say, his POF profile went on and on about how he loved women and Jesus. Needless to say, I did not contact him. A couple years ago, I saw in local news that he tried to stab another guy to death and is now in prison. Nice.

  • My STBX husband was on tinder not even two weeks after I got a restraining order against him for domestic violence (probably before then honestly). My friend found him by chance and when he was called out he said his cousin made the profile as a joke. LOL riiiight. He had his Spotify music linked and his bio said some cheesy ass things, among them: “Ryan gosling movies”. I guess he thinks girls will fall for him cause he watches The Notebook every night? His main picture was of him at the tv studio of a prominent pastor he worked for (until he got fired) which this pastor uses to film intros for his sermons and such. I thought he couldn’t get any more pathetic than that but lo and behold I find out that a few months later (and only a few weeks after inviting me to couples therapy) he was also on two other dating apps including a Jewish one. He’s not even the least bit Jewish. I think he was hoping to get lucky and find a nice Jewish girl and her presumably rich family to bum off of. Did I mention this was all while pregnant with our THIRD child? Anyway, he ended up finding a chick and the relationship is moving full speed. I don’t even know if she realizes that our divorce won’t be final for a while but she posts about them on social media and it honestly makes me want to vomit and comment, “did you know your boyfriend is still MARRIED?!”. But I hold my tongue and know that one day the mask will come off and he will be his true self. The shinyness will wear off and she’ll be left with a pretentious asshole who thinks a woman’s job is to serve him and be his personal secretary/assistant as well as Nanny and chef.

    • My STBX was on tinder within the week i left. It was one of the things that let me know i 110% made the right choice. This man could say all he wanted but 0 of his actions showed me he gave 2 shits i had left.

      Later i had found out that within that same week he was sleeping with the girl he had cheated on me with 3 years prior and had knocked her up.

      Nothing like being married while dating AP#2 and knocking up AP#1. I’m still amazed AP #2 is still with him, but i guess that’s Tru Wuv *gag*, also helps that AP#2 doesn’t know about AP#1 getting pregnant….still not sure how i know and she doesn’t (oh well)

      It’s his mess not mine

  • Sorry if this duplicates – it keeps eating my post…

    I personally would RUN at first hearing the singer/songwriter part but that’s a major trigger for me. XH professes himself to be a singer/songwriter and crammed that down my throat our entire 28 years together. I love music, have great respect for musicians that are authentic and true musicians. But no, I am not interested in a wannabe hack musician that’s too special or talented to adult or reciprocate, ever again. XH found his Schmoopie on Meet Mindful (gag). I keep wondering if there’s anything the opposite of that where I can find a real authentic person to hang out with.

  • I’ve been on these sites off and on. I don’t know why, it’s pretty hopeless. I’ve spoken with women who have been on them and it sounds like a freak show. No wonder they don’t want to be on them.

    Then there’s the guy’s side (where I am) where you get plenty of stock photos of models and then some ridiculous description of what they want out of life — but always with horrible grammar. You laugh at the profile and move on, as they’re obviously fake, but who really has that much time on their hands to try and catfish people online?

    Also, I am so over all the Snapchat filtered pics.

  • I was married for 32 years, my husband had an affair with a younger women (they are still together – one big happy family). About a year after my divorce my best friend fixed me up with a co-worker friend of her husband). I thought he was one of the good guys, all was well for 3 years and then this last September he dumps me. Can you guess why? Seems he wanted to get back with his much younger ex girlfriend. He’s 53 she’s late 30’s (he dated her for 3 months before we started dating – she had dumped him via text). I guess he thought she was the real love of his life. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, my friend talked me into setting up a dating profile. I didn’t put my photo with the profile just really wanted to see what strange things were out there. And, well, I guess my ex-boyfriend’s much younger love of his life dumped him again because there he was looking for love. His profile, word for word described everything we had together as a couple for the past 3 years. The only difference is now he wants all those things we had but with a women between the age 32 and 52. I guess that’s why I don’t qualify any more, I’m 56. Needless to say, I’ve hug up my dating shoes for awhile longer.

    • blindsided, anybody who is looking for people up to 20 years younger than themselves is clearly a creep. It’s too bad this didn’t work out, but you dodged a bullet, there!

  • I am looking through my paperwork to find my XH’s match.com profiles from before (and causing) the divorce, and the profiles after the divorce. The UBT is going to really enjoy itself. I am astonished at the lies: overestimating his income level, describing how wonderful he is with the header of “My friends tell me that I am…” Note: he has no friends! It’s a tip-off to count how many times they used the owrds “I” and “me.”

    I do know a woman who was engaged to marry a guy she’d only met online and never in person. She’d picked out the dress and ring. She spoke to him everyday while he was in Africa, being an “engineer” and having a few medical problems and needing money. Over a year, she loaned him $400K from her 401K, wiping out her future retirement plans. She worked for a government agency that frowned on her sending money to foreign nationals. She was advised that there are rooms full of these guys working the chumps. And they disconnect their phones after the chump has been played. And that General in Syria mentioned above? I had a friend who dated him online but never met him personally. When he asked her for money….I told her it was time to disconnect him. She did & he was very abusive, telling her he knew she had the money since her father had died the previous year. But she found someone nice online.

  • I think my only chance is if someone who knows my story introduces me to a nice fellow. Knowing I am an engineer who can identify Star Trek episodes and old cars, knowing I have grown kids and my own home, and knowing I have approximately zero patience for damsel-in-distress incompetence– if they know a nice fellow who would not be intimidated by that then bring it on. Not many guys are OK with any of that and my X was the leader of the parade (he likes ’em young and dumb so he can be far superior).

    I am not shiny. I think a good match would be a dairyman, rancher, or farmer type for me, I would love to spend 12 hours a day working in all weather to build and support something like that. And I expect him to sign a prenup, as I would expect to as well because I don’t want half his land or ranch. Anything we build together is ours, but what we came into the relationship with must go to our respective kids. If he doesn’t agree then he is not for me.

    But I don’t trust the ‘farmers only’ dating site. The photos all look like scams there, too. Sigh, so I am alone.

    • The best option is friends and family who will vouch for the guy. It worked for me, eventually. But when I was finally single, I rejected that for a long time. I’m a lawyer, owned my own home, have a good job, enjoyed my peace and solitude and was not interested in being harvested by another narc. In short, I was enjoying life on my own terms. I was content. At some point, a dear friend of decades started talking up an old friend of hers and trying to set us up. No, nope. Not gonna happen, but thanks anyway. After a few years of that, she just set him loose on me. Gave him my email, and said “go get her.” I said “who are you?” He explained. I said it was a nice try, but no thanks. He worked little messages for months to convince me to have dinner with him. It was actually a great dinner at an historic and cheap Mexican Restaurant. Long story short, we’ve been together 15 years now; married for 8. And yes, I asked for and received a prenup, which he was happy to sign.

      It’s not easy to find someone to value you properly, but it can be done.

  • A lot was going on in my cheating and abusive marriage (we met on a date site) but i was working on leaving him. I found he had a dating profile again so i made one too with a super sexy photo. My description said, “hello baby, i had a feeling I would find you here. See you in court!” A shitton of men responded, but not the husband of course, lol.

    Been away from him 9 months now and have made new profiles and deleted them again. Just seems like too much trouble.all men want to do is soil my sheets and expose me to stds for nothing in return. Screw that, i have batteries.

  • Why I spent about 30 minutes on dating sites before be forever repulsed.

    Watch out also for men who pose with cats. They know many women like cats or at least would think a man who likes cats would be OK. Last time I looked, I thought these things were red flags: men posed with sports cars and motorcycles; men posed with their kids, which seems exploitive to me; men posed with hunting and fishing trophies; men posed with pets. Also not a fan of the selfie. Get a human to take your picture, Jack.

  • Fairly new to the online thing, but I’ve already come across two individuals who made me question the control issues they may have. Asking me to delete my online profiles before even meeting them. Telling me outright that like control. So I followed my gut, and found the one guy had already had 2 women with restraining orders against him. Yeah, I think I’ll pass. I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime!

    • Telling you outright they like control ? Sounds like they should be posting on a BDSM site, not one of the vanilla ones like Match.com,etc.

  • I know a few people who have had some luck dating online but I haven’t been one of them. I have been appalled up one side and down the other with the men I have met online. I am attractive, relatively fit, employed in a wonderful career, financially secure and own a lovely home. I have met some of the biggest losers on earth. Men who don’t a pot to piss in, who have unhealthy boundaries with their adult children (read still supporting their middle aged loser kids), felons, men who have said the most inappropriate things I’ve ever heard, perverts, predators, men who are unrecognizable from their pictures on their profiles….you name it. I would never online date again and put myself in that kind of position again. It was so degrading. A friend and I are writing a book about Internet dating after 50 and it’s not a pretty thing. One of her Internet dates met her at a Starbucks. As she walked up to the counter to get a napkin she felt him staring at her and when she asked him what he was looking at, he said ‘I can’t believe how little your feet are and how big your ass is.’ He was missing most of his teeth.

    • Oh thats hilarious. There arent many Greek gods out there but so many seem to think they are all that and a bag of chips.

        • You bet. If my ex was even 1/10th as attractive as he thought he was he would be Paul Newman and Robert Redford rolled into one. He obviously didn’t see what I did!

  • Online Dating sites blow! Here’s my experiences:

    – any women who most men deem attractive gets thousands of messages. Most men who women find attractive get a few messages because most of the women are getting bombarded with messages already. They have no need to respond to most men.

    – if you don’t at least FaceTime them before meeting them you will be in for a rude shock, always much older than the age in their profile….and much larger.

    – ghosting is an epidemic. You can do all the proper due diligence, have great communication, and when the date time arrives, they flake with typical fake stories. They don’t offer an alternative date option to the date they just flaked on. I then choose not to contact them anymore…..waisted time.

    – after a while you get sickened by the exact same language and cliche pictures in the profiles

    – they laundry lists in profiles of things they don’t want in a guy, you can feel the anger jumping off the page

    – they thinly veiled comments that the UBT would translate directly to, you better have a lot of money for my lifestyle.

    I’m sure women have their own version of these comments as well.

    OK I’ve said my piece, commence with the hating and shaming comments.

    Luuuuv… not to be found on dating sites. And btw, I’m not a loser that women reject. In person things work out just fine.

    • Rick were not all like that but I have a colleague who joined a fancy gym in a big hotel here in Geneva. When I told her you could get a years gym contract for one tenth of that price just around the corner (where I went) she said she wanted to meet a rich man and that was more likely to happen in a fancy hotel. I almost fell over but then I guess there are women who think like that. The sad thing is, she is well over 100 kg, greasy unkempt hair and bad skin caused by a nightly habit of downing about 10 litres of beer in the local pubs. Even if the “rich man” is no catch, they arent looking for that. (Again sorry for the punctuation, not sure if its CL or my computer).

        • Hi bouncing back. I worked in Geneva for 35 years. Retired on 31 December (yay me) and live in Haute Savoie, France, just 45 minutes from Chamonix. Where are you in Vaud? I lived in Rolle for some time.

    • Note the Man is entirely focused on women’s appearance ( much larger! He fumes)

      And worried about how much money it will cost him.

      If you expect a woman to be thin- why can’t she expect you to have some money? Can you not see the self-righteous hypocrisy there?

      You can have standards but she can’t.🧐

      Both are superficial measures of character. But yours is acceptable?

      🤯

      • No hypocrisy there. He didn’t say that he expected women to be thin; he said he expects them to not be significantly larger than portrayed by their pictures. No false advertising, IOW, and that’s fair enough.

        I hardly think wanting to find a partner you’re attracted to is anything like as entitled as demanding that a partner underwrite your lifestyle, do you? I see no evidence that he’s expecting a supermodel and I suggest that you’re projecting your own issues on to him.

    • Rick, I certainly hope you don’t receive any hateful or shaming comments. Your observations and experiences are yours.

      I’m glad you’re having some success out there. I dipped my toe in the online dating pool, saw nothing but scammers and liars, had one mediocre date with someone who wanted to convince me that STD’s were super common nowadays. Nope. I’m done.

  • I did online dating, and the first time I was scammed, hard. Ended up broke and homeless. The second time, when I wrote my profile, I channeled Grumpy Smurf. “I am allergic to romance. It’s stupid.” Then I posted unflattering pictures of myself after a day of yard work: “This is what I look like after yard work.” Only a few responded, most of them wanted to “help me write a better profile.” One thought I had anger issues. Only one responded, “It’s too bad you are allergic to Romance, because there are good Romantic writers out there, like William Blake.” I replied, “Why on earth would you read the work of someone who can’t spell tiger?” William Blake Guy married me six years ago. We added two children to my three, and he is ‘Dad’ to everyone. So I have had both experiences, the best attitude is a “take no bull-shit” attitude.

    • “This is what I look like after yard work.”
      Haha, I love this!

      There are many things that are a turn off regarding dating sites. First, I hate the thought of posting pictures and secondly I never know how to describe myself.

      I like to swear.
      I often wake up tired and find my shirt inside out half way through the day.
      I rarely wear makeup and jewelry.
      I’m not Barbie.
      I dress for myself.
      I mow my lawn barefoot
      The fucking sun sets every day.

  • The three vs of visiting vacationing and volunteering personally did it for me. How internet-I savvy does he believe the rest of the world, and particularly his wife, to be?

  • I just have to say–I’ve had decent success on Bumble (yes, it’s true. I’ve met several kind men who were actually interested in dating and having a relationship. For the most part, they were decent humans whom I’m glad to have met).
    HOWEVER, there are definitely the married men out there, I do my research before meeting anyone. I will call them out EVERYTIME or message their wives if I think that’s merited. There are also plenty of those who just want to hook up, thank you, but next. Also the creepers… But mostly there are decent divorced men who are looking to connect and don’t want to hang out in bars to meet someone. It’s a great way to meet people, but BE SMART. Block the weirdos and call out the marrieds. Not all dating apps are bad. I’ve been to two weddings in a year where people met online. 🙂

    • Now that I’m getting settled in the land of “Meh”, I can actually laugh about my Ex and his profiles… both now and throughout our “happy” (fraudulent) marriage. My faves are that the pics my Narc, SA Ex uses for all his dating sites are: 1) eighty pounds ago
      2) a full head of hair ago
      3) pics he asked ME to take of him (and then subsequently posted on ‘arrangement’ sites).
      And he’s now on Bumble, too professing to be a good person and a great kisser.
      False and False.

  • I’m not sure it’s ethical to put a stranger’s
    Photo in a google search. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Maybe ask them some questions and if you think they are lying then just stop talking to them. Leave other’s their privacy.

    • Why would it be unethical? You have every right to verify who you are about to meet. When I went on-line I was determined that my chumpy days were behind me. I set high standards and boundaries. I not only ran image searches, but background checks before I met anyone in person. Quite a few didn’t make the cut because of DUI’s, outstanding warrants, domestic violence/restraining orders, etc. I eventually met a lovely man. I have every right to be as safe as humanely possible. If they put their info on-line, my assumption is they were fine I was checking it out. I know I assumed they were doing the same to me. Several came out and told me they had. I wasn’t at all offended. Good for them. And good for me.

  • WOW, have always been suspicious of online dating sites because they can so easily be married, partnered or just serial daters who are looking for an endless source of ass. I would not want to put the time & effort into sleuthing them out. Sounds like a second job, and what a shame to have to do this. Modern mate finding, better be up to the challenge

  • I’m twice divorced, although only the second one cheated on me. We DID meet online, and although it was not on a dating site, his profile was overly long and flowery – and sure enough, he love bombed me from the get-go.

    Amusingly, the first AP (who he also went back to for DD 2) WAS working as a “life coach”, although was also a day-shift stripper.

    After we split up, I did go onto online dating, and met my boyfriend of almost a year on POF. I met some duds, yes, but I screened like whoa and also threw out my dealbreakers early on (not interested if you have wee kids, not down to have more, no one who is negative in their profile) and got lucky.

  • A few of my rules
    – Rule 1
    For people who aren’t super young, find out why he or she is single. Everyone over the age of 33 or so who is not married has a story about why he or she isn’t married. The important question is:

    Was this person in a LTR at some point with a jackass? OR

    Is this person a jackass?

    I say this because most single people over a certain age are single because they had an LTR at one point, and it ended. This person could be a chump (“in an LTR with a jackass”), or a cheater (“jackass”). You want to find out why the LTR is no more. Or, maybe he or she has never had an LTR, in which case…he’s a jackass.
    -Rule 1A
    There is a corollary to this rule that I put up here yesterday. If the person gives a reason that is vague for the breakup, that person was at fault. Things like:
    “I thought we were in love, but we weren’t.”
    “We just fell apart.”
    “I wasn’t appreciated.”
    Someone who is NOT at fault has a short, specific answer, like
    “She cheated.”
    “He beat me up.”
    “He was a crack addict, and had his addict friends come stay in our house.”

    – Rule 2
    How does this person treat waitstaff, cab drivers, etc.? If he or she isn’t nice with people he’ll never see again, that’s a bad sign.

    -Rule 3
    Do the little thing point to this person being emotionally stable? Forget how attractive this person is, or the image he projects.
    Does he or she want to move the relationship along way too soon (like, saying “I love you” after the second date)? Does this person seem to lose a lot of friends? Did he love-bomb you (call you over and over the first week)? Does he obsess or want to completely change his life when he barely knows you?
    On the other hand…also look for someone who is distant, and doesn’t really show an interest in the relationship. If he never has time to talk or meet, or won’t tell you much about his life or his job…be careful.

    Rule 4-
    Have some dealbreakers, but not too many.
    Bad character should be a deal breaker for anybody. The “diamond in the rough” that no one has appreciated, or that can be carefully sculpted through love into something better, is a unicorn. There might be someone out there who fits that, but most people with shitty character stay that way.
    Other than character, have a few things you MUST have. If someone wants something casual, and you’re not ok with that, then DON’T go along with it. If one of your biggest things is politics, and the other person believes in the opposite side of things, it’s probably not going to work.
    But…don’t have too many of these. Most differences in life aren’t unworkable, and can even make a relationship enjoyable and fun. Good, nice people can adapt to being with someone who is a little different.

      • Back a few weeks ago I mentioned to beware of someone in their 50’s or 60’s who has never been married to BEWARE of them (that’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it) someone on this site tore me a new asshole and called me stupid and I DESERVED to be single. Pfffttt

        • I know a woman who married for the first time at age fifty ! Her husband is eight years older and had never been married. She had never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months (narc mother and drug addict adopted brother who was killed during a drug deal gone wrong). It’s possible.

          Gloria Steinem married for the first time in her sixties though granted she had relationships before marrying Bale. Sadly Bale died of cancer.

          What constitutes a long term relationship ? Five years ? Ten years ? Why didn’t these relationships lead to marriage ? I’ve been reading all the comments on this site since early 2016 and I sense that some readers have never married because they have attracted exploiters (narcs,borderlines,anti socials) Something was off and they were reluctant to sign on the dotted line, so to speak. Family of origin stuff ?

          One friend is an artist,with a fair amount of success and she inherited a ton of money. Because she’s very creative, she didn’t feel the need to “create something in her uterus”. She has no plans to marry and is generous with her time and gives gifts to her friends and any men in her love life. Her parties are epic !

          Ask lots of questions as you’re getting to know someone. Don’t try to read a book by its cover.

          • And make the questions culturally appropriate; here in Quebec, marrying just isn’t much of a thing. People often do eventually marry – after they’ve been together 10 or 15 years, own a house and a cottage together, and the half-grown kids are in the wedding party. But that’s about making a legal arrangement that protects both partners (kids are already protected by the law, here, zero dif if parents were married or not). And many just don’t ever bother.

            But definitely if someone well into middle age has never had a long-term (I’d say over 2 years) live-in relationships, further investigation is required. Yellow flag.

    • Be careful about the ones who shift the blame 90-100% to the spouse, e.g., “he or she was crazy.” What I say is the X had a substance problem. I don’t talk about Jackass because I wasn’t married to him. But he taught me not to believe that when a divorced person says “my X was crazy,” I wonder if that means “I gaslighted my X until he or she started to feel crazy.” Determining a Jackass in this case involves listening for the tone of how someone talks about their X. If I say anything, I say that it broke my heart to end the marriage, because it did, even though I couldn’t have done another day. And I would still rally to his support if he were in trouble.

    • No fixer uppers. Must have a job. Over 30, must have a place where he pays rent or a mortgage that is not Mom’s basement (unless Mom or Dad is disabled or terminally ill). Must pay taxes. Must be responsible with money and other adult matters.

      • Oh, god yes, the ‘living w/mom and dad’ thing! In my early 30s I did the personal ads (early 90s equivalent of on-line dating sites). So. Many. Guys. who lived in their parents’ basement or guest room. Look, if you JUST got separated, that’s a reasonable option. 4 years later, and you’re almost 40? No, get a life. Did date one guy, owned and ran a small business, lived at mom and dad’s because ‘mom had had a brain tumour, I moved in to help’. Sounded good, until I found out that the tumour had been 5 years previously, mom was FINE and had been for 4 years, and she was making the guy’s lunches every day! RUN!

  • My friend started online dating and wanted me to join with her. She started meeting different men right away always starting with coffee. Her pictures were of her traveling and having fun. She had one with a New Years party hat and another well dressed in the lobby of a San Francisco hotel. She was no nonsense in her profile and did not have a “sexy” look because she did not want the men who LIKED the “sexy” look.

    Needless to say, I did my profile and got a response from a gentleman closer in age to her who was looking for “friends”. I set up a meeting and told him I wanted to include her in the date for support. He looked at her profile, I gave her his, and she e-mailed him to let him know she was the third party. From the beginning I felt he would be a good dinner guest at the parties she throws.

    Sure enough THEY got along fantastically and I was relieved because I was too anxious for online dating at the time. They both asked me if it was okay if they dated. I gave them a resounding YES. I pretty much deleted my profile and the two of them are now married for one year. She was 68 and he was 72. That was three years ago.

    How’s that for romance?

    • I put so many “starts” in this maybe I should get online again?

      Naw. Meetups are the best in my opinion. You immediately know you share an interest and your right out there, not behind a screen. Plus, plenty of other people and no pressure.

  • I met a man who was a good listener and very attentive and super attractive.

    I realized by letting me go on so much about myself, I was not learning about him. Ashamed of being a selfish talker, I began asking him questions about his life.

    After basic cross examination, I learned he had lots of women that doted in him. I learned he was deeply into S and M- to the point where he asked me what I thought about male chastity belts.

    This was not appealing to me and I began avoiding his calls. I knew he dated other women, but I had no claims on him.

    Then one day- I’ve got the email ….I need to tell you something. The email no one wants to get.

    What he wanted to tell me is that he is HIV-positive.

    He talk to me about how the risk of transmission now was extremely low and how if I would not date him it would be a type of prejudice. I have no health insurance and I am alone in the world. It is just not a risk I could take. I told him this in the kindest nicest way I could.

    He then, clearly angry, said… Susie, Ashley and Lauren don’t care…. and they are married!!! ( fake names).

    I was stunned. I hung up and blocked him.

    But I think of those spouses… unwillingly exposed to HIV….after their partner engage in rough sex.. the kind that breaks membranes.

    If I knew how to contact the spouses- I would.

    Another pro tip- NEVER assume health based on habits and appearance. This man ate like a nutritionist and works out daily.

      • These rules rarely detect covert narcissists in my opinion. They have the ability to mirror their targets, are often kind to waitstaff and are often able to maintain a long term relationship.

        How to spot a covert?
        Be a good listener. You’ll probably hear a monologue that goes on and on.
        When they disclose their interests ask questions. He likes hiking? Ask about his favorite place to go.
        Mirroring is OBVIOUS.
        They are ALWAYS the victim. This holds true in relationships, jobs, and families. You will never hear that they made bad decisions.
        The narrative is always about what they lost.
        Stand back and stop yourself from making suggestions. See how they problem solved.

        No one loves you after a month other than disordered.

        Watch how they scan the room.

        • Covert narcissists are tough to spot, but I do think one thing they share in common with other narcissists is the desire to move the relationship forward quickly. And that’s excellent advice about mirroring–one of the covert narc’s favorite tools to use as the basis for pushing to move the relationship along more quickly.

          One thing I noticed about X was that, while he was polite and often overly-engaging with wait staff and servers, he treated toll-booth workers like they didn’t even exist. I figured out that the difference was he could get supply from a person he had the ability to tip, but he didn’t deem anyone working at a lowly job for no tip to be worthy of consideration.

          • The moving-things-fast and the mirroring were the things I should have caught, w/my ex, but didn’t. Also he is STILL always rude to any kind of service personnel. The kids got on his case about how he treated waiters, so he shaped up there, to please them (they were barely seeing him anymore at that point), but was still super rude to the parking attendants!

            People DO show who they are, if you keep your eyes open and give it time!

    • As I like to quote from the movie “World According to Garp”, no glove,no love ! Google Philippe Padieu to learn about a sociopath who was dating multiple women and knowingly infected them with HIV.

      I had a date with one man who announced to me that he doesn’t believe (“believe” ? Like the tooth fairy or somethin’ ?) in using condoms.
      “Whoa” I thought “Cowboy is way ahead of himself here. I just met him.” But you know what ? He saved me a lot of wasted time. I thanked him for his candor and left.

  • I have met some nice guys from dating apps, and not a single creepy interaction or dick pic.
    My tips to avoid creeps:

    State cleary on your profile “no perverts, married men, misogynists” and whatever else you want to avoid. Add that you will be checking everyone out before dating them.

    Don’t bother with giys who have any of the following in their profiles:

    Photos with motorcycles
    Photos of their kids
    Photos of them with their ex and her face is photoshopped out (Yes, I’ve seen way too many. One actually replaced her face with a crudely drawn evil clown face. Sexy!)
    Gym selfies
    Shirtless pics
    Pics of them doing anything macho
    Bathroom mirror selfies
    “Lol” several times in their description of themselves and what they are looking for.
    Profile is only jocular, never serious.
    Any humble bragging.
    Outright bragging.
    New-agey bullshit.
    Any mention of sex.
    He describes his ideal woman in terms that resemble a porn star.
    Stated age and photo age don’t match.
    Won’t say what he does for a living.
    If he’s 40+ and his longest relationship was less than 10 years.
    If he’s below 40 and it was less than 5 years.
    He’s been married more than twice.
    The age range of women he’s looking for is more than 5 years younger than him.

    Now, this also means your pool of possibles will be tiny and you’ll get far fewer responses. But you won’t have to waste your time on a bunch of weirdos and jerks.

    • The gym selfies, bathroom selfies or any photo that has their phone front and centre. Implies the have no friends to take a photo for them. Or they are doing it on the sly

      • I HAVE to know – was it Laurel or Tracy that sent a profile care package to Dirk’s beautiful (and not dead) wife?

      • Aw!! Very true.

        I did cautiously go on a date with a good looking guy that only had selfies. He had no friends to take a pic of him. He moved several states to gain custody of his kids.

        His young daughter took several close up of his eye ball (didn’t make the final cut).

        I’m glad I gave it a shot. He’s wonderful.

        This Valentine’s Day I did sent out 5 large pink envelopes to beautiful wives whose husbands had tried to date me on Zoosks or Bumble.

  • In order to get any real movement from command, you have to have irrefutable proof (like their emails admitting to actually fucking. BUT< my ex was high ranking and the embarrassment of being outed was enough to get him to be reasonable. I had proof that he was making appt. with fetish prostitutes soooooo. What is more important is that you know your rights as a spouse regarding retirement, housing, healthcare etc. Do not budge one iota on these things because the military/law clearly outlines what you are entitled to. And don't just believe what he says you can have. Contact all the relevant offices AND a good attorney that has experiences with military divorce. If you have any proof of his infidelity, or other nefarious activities, make copies, take screen shots, etc. Store these things along with all important papers and financials soewhere he can't get at them. Make sure the accounts are frozen so he can't start siphoning and moving money. If you are in military housing don't move out until you have too. If there is housing allotment ask for some of it to be factored in. Don't let him screw you. If you have kids this is your shot to make the best financial deal for them. That means consider future costs not just now costs. Things like insurance, college, etc If he is active duty odds are that you will have primary custody since he has to be gone too much, or has an unpredictable schedule. They might make it seem like they are always around. Point out whether or not he can be mobilized at any time. Track how often he has had to travel or do AT or TDY. Do not trust him. Sexual infidelity is almost always accompanied by financial infidelity. Go through those emails and bank statements ask for money back that has been dissipated on his whores.

  • Oh, one more thing….my fake fiancee…the one who called me his ‘soul mate’ was back on a dating site nine minutes after we broke up and found another ‘soul mate’ two weeks later. I think they are all full of shit. I don’t see myself trusting any of them.

    • After my Ex was dumped by Shmoopie the second time, he went straight onto Match, and in ONE WEEK found someone and locked her down. Two weeks after that was telling the kids he was ‘in a serious relationship’, while back-dating it by a few weeks, so as not to sound too creepy. He’s still with her, which reduces how much he hassles me, so, thank you, Match, for that! (I’m betting she’s not thanking Match much, by now. I’m sure he’s well into the ‘devalue’ phase…)

  • Damm, I thought she was going to banging that dude with glasses who cries about millennials on facebook. It was probably a bot account.

  • I have tried the online date thing on and off for three years. In the beginning I had to put a line in my profile that stated ‘Visa applicants need not contact” because dudes 10,15 even 20 years my junior where messaging me form other states, full of flattering comments that reeked of need for accomodation and residency. Then there were the older guys who thought that opening communication with ‘why don’t you come on over so we can chat’ at midnight, was a good way to start. Within three sentences they usually ask if your up for sex. The less direct usually ask what you prefer for breakfast or how do you like your eggs or coffee in the morning. I flick them pretty quick. But in my world it got really creepy on one sight when a guy from church kept looking at my profile but would avoid me at church so I called him out, he first claimed not to know who I was, then when we ran into each other at church the following weekend all he could talk about was how he was trying to sort out his finances and how hard it was and that he was exhausted. So I politely smiled wished him a good week and when home and deleted my profile.

    • Yep, those guys. Also “I don’t like drama, I’m sick of drama queens” and the like. I see that a lot. These are invariably giys who cause hurt and anger at their shitty behaviour, then get pissed with the girlfriend’s natural reaction, insisting she’s just being a drama queen. Huge NO.

    • You’re 110% right – remember – ‘ ‘trust’ is what’s stamped on the hilt of the all knives sticking out of our backs – it’s only a fantasy us true ones foolishly believe in anyway! My song of the day ‘ I am the highway’ -Audioslave I can feel every line of the lyrics – check it out

  • I HAVE to know – was it Laurel or Tracy that sent a profile care package to Dirk’s beautiful (and not dead) wife?

  • I wonder if Dirk Diggler isn’t so stoooopid and his wife may be aware of what he is doing. Is she on board or is she collecting documents for her attorney ?

    What’s happening in the world ?!

  • Did she try and date my ex? Sounds exactly like his match.com profile that if found 15 years ago. This crap never changes.

  • OMGOMGOMG!!! I completely forgot about this until someone just emailed me! And I was away from the 16-21st.

    You guys are terrific! I’ve loved and admired Tracy for years and she frequently comments on my blog which is the coolest thing ever. Alas, I am not anon, so I can’t say what was going on, before I left my wasband in 2012, but believe me, it’s up there.

    There’s another potential racket out there. Dating Coaches. I signed up for a free “jumpstart intensive” just to see what she would do. Get this– after a few weeks, the come-ons began for her $5,000.00 GROUP course. “An investment in your future.” Hope you have a barfbag close at hand.

    And the clincher is that the deadline to get $1,000 off is the day before Valentine’s Day. (eyes rolling) I could go on and on… Of course, there may be some that are not such greedy emotional blood suckers. But two I’ve discovered are.

    As for online dating; while I hear from a lot of guys, no dates yet. However, I’m keeping an open mind. And BTW, guys, I’m sure that you realize that vetting from family and friends is not always reliable either. As our spouses duped us and they often dupe their friends and family too.

    But having been through it, we now know the modus operandi of a fuckwit; even if no one else can see it.

    I love you all!!!

    And, thank you Tracy for your wisdom, humor and encouragement. I’m honored to be a part of your “case study” on “widowed motivational speakers.” haha

    You’re a treasure!

    xoxo ~ Laurel

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