Dear Chump Lady, Please be mean
Dear Chump Lady,
I need help. Preferably the bitch slapping kind. I’m hoping just writing this will help. Your site was a breath of fresh air for me, with all the kid glove handling I’ve been getting.
My now ex and I had a child 9 months ago. I found out he was cheating on me right (and I mean RIGHT) after giving birth. He’d done it before, years prior, and I left after much on and off pain and the fun dance of pick me!!! He popped back up with his talk of therapy and trying again and I was foolish enough to listen.
Naturally it’s all my fault. I’ve moved on past trying to figure out WHY. Now I’m just trying to figure out what’s wrong with me!! He’s left me with the hospital bills for our child and moved in with his Schmoopie. He hasn’t seen his kid in months. And yet, every few weeks when he pops up, I see him. We hook up, he pays lip service to fixing things, (obviously I don’t believe that), denies living with someone else, and then we go around the merry go round again.
Can you or someone please just be harsh to me? My friends have been nice, understanding (you’re still in shock!) and acquaintances don’t know the details. I’ve never thought of myself as codependent, I’m an extremely logical person usually but clearly there is something wrong! Why do I keep allowing this to happen? Why can’t I just move on from this fuckwit? He has nothing going for him! I’m seriously concerned at my mental state. I’m hoping if I can get some true harshness or judgement I’ll have the shame I need to move the hell on!
Please be mean,
Bitchslap Needed
Dear Bitchslap Needed,
Am I bitchslappy? I think I need a moment of reflection here. I never thought of myself as an advice dominatrix.
Just answer the letter, Tracy!
See what I did there? BN, I think you’ve got analysis paralysis. Figure out your motivations for doing stupid shit later, just STOP DOING IT.
We often think that better understanding will lead to better actions. When really it’s the opposite — lead with better actions, understanding will follow.
For example — I need to see him one more time, for closure. To explain to him how his fuckwittedness hurts me. And maybe if I see him one more time, I’ll understand, really understand why we can’t be together. And THIS time will be DIFFERENT….. and…. (mindfuckery ensues. Pick me sex… the cycle repeats…)
Versus: Tough it out and don’t see him. (ACTION) The fog lifts. You see him for the fuckwit that he is. Over time you’ll have zero desire to ever touch him with a barge pole.
This is the beauty of no contact. You don’t get the clarity without the no contact. And clarity comes AFTER no contact, not before.
Right now, you’re allowing this guy in your orbit. And despite all your protests to the contrary, that he’s a loser, that you don’t believe he’ll fix things, your ACTIONS tell a different story — you’re hooked on hopium.
Why do I keep allowing this to happen? Why can’t I just move on from this fuckwit?
You can move on from him, you just don’t want to. You’d rather take a hit from the hopium pipe. You’re pretty sure he’s telling lies, but in that moment, would you rather walk into a wall of pain? — that he’s a fraud, and he abandoned you and your child when you were at your most vulnerable and literally left you with the check? OR will you take the fantasy offered right now, that’s he’s sorry and he’s going to to fix it?
This hopium shit can kill you, and the hangover is brutal, but you’ll take the short-term neurotransmitter high of sex with your ex. Of promises (I SEE A RAINBOW UNICORN AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL!), a dream of magnificent potential. (HE WILL FIX EVERYTHING AND MY FAMILY WILL BE RESTORED!)
You know he’s full of shit. But you’re really hoping against hope that he’s not.
And here’s the sicko part — he gets off on it.
That’s the part that should really anger you. Your hopium works for him. He can cheat, stiff you with bills, ignore his child — and you’ll still fuck him. You’ll reward him. Because you’re vulnerable. He made you vulnerable, and now he will happily exploit that vulnerability.
Know your worth!
How do you escape this cycle? Stop being vulnerable to him! Start seeing him as the agent of chaos, not the agent of your salvation or an easy orgasm. (You aren’t “using” him back — a stupid thing chumps tell themselves when sleeping with their exes — you are performing the pick me dance naked. He HAS a live-in girlfriend — the OW. And probably others.)
Starting DOING. Start enforcing child support. Nothing like presenting a fuckwit with a bill to kill the mood. Start DOCUMENTING the times he sees and does not see his child, using parenting software. Start COLLECTING on that bill in small claims court (or via child support enforcement).
And most of all? STOP BEING AVAILABLE. You’re very, very busy right now. Getting your life together, clipping your toenails, catching up on that Netflix series on the hidden lives of dogcatchers. Really, anything is more improving than spending time with a fuckwit.
Next, expect him to rage about it. He will not like this new unavailable you. (He might not notice at first, but when he circles back for kibbles, he will). He’ll flip through the mindfuck channels — rage, charm, and self-pity…
Oh, but hey, you can’t hear him — BECAUSE YOU AREN’T ANSWERING. (That Netflix documentary is very engrossing.) See, that’s an ACTION.
And when you feel hopium withdrawal upon you, look at your baby, and vow that you will NOT model chumpdom to this innocent kid. You will NOT set your precious offspring up for the cycle of abuse and rejection and pick me dancing, because you love your baby more than ANYONE. More than HIM. Your child may be a blob of inchoate potential that just barfs in your hair now — but trust me, the kid is watching you. Learning from you.
Be mighty.
NO CONTACT.
Consider yourself bitchslapped.
And FFS, don’t go No Contact in the hope of getting him back.
No Contact needs to be real.
I was going to add that maybe she can get his name off the birth certificate and get him permanently out of her life. That’s what I would have done if I had it to do over.
He is not on the birth certificate, in my state he had to file paperwork to be on it and he never bothered. I’m relieved, changed our sons last name just last week!
I’m Bitchslap needed by the way, I decided to create an account.
You do want his name on birth certificate for future battles for child support sake and heaven forbid he passes away for her child’s estate.
In personal experience (found out my ex husband was cheating when i was 5 weeks prego DDAY just a week after i surprised him with reveal after 3 years of trying for baby). My ex just passed away and thankfully i chose to put his name on birth certificate because now i can receive social security benefits for him and also my exes estate goes to my son since his name was on certificate.
I would trade the money for the hassle of having to “coparent” with him. Not to mention if he makes a lot more he can sue her for more custody time into financial ruin. That child support is NOT worth it.
Get the birth certificate changed.
“And here’s the sicko part — he gets off on it.” (on your pick-me dancing).
That would a very effective slap for me!
BN, it’s the absolute truth: Clarity only comes AFTER no contact. When you realize that you will survived you understand why you consideres staying with a fuckwit, in my case, of 39 years.
I quit smoking, cold turkey, no patch. On April Fool’s Day, 1990. An excellent quitting date for someone with asthma (me) to quit smoking.
I was told THE DESIRE TO SMOKE WOULD PASS IN TWO MINUTES. WHETHER OR NOT I WOULD HAVE THE CIGARETTE. And every time I resisted the urge to smoke, the intervals between cravings would get longer and longer and they would eventually disappear.
So I wore a watch with a second hand. And when I got a craving, I would stick a piece of chewing gum in my mouth and hyperventilate with anxiety and watch that second hand until a couple of minutes would pass. AND THEY WERE RIGHT!!
I haven’t smoked since April 1, 1990. I also hate chewing gum too.
THIS IS THE SAME THING.
1) RESIST THE URGE
2) INTERVALS BETWEEN URGES GET LONGER AND LONGER
3) CLARITY DESCENDS
4) FOLLOWED BY “WTF WAS I THINKING?!! OH, THE ‘AFFAIR FOG’ REFERS TO ABUSE VICTIMS BEING IN DENIAL!!!!!”
5) RECLAIM YOUR LIFE AND SANITY FOR YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS BABY!!
We develop NEURAL PATTERNS when we do ANYTHING habitually. The only antidote is to CHANGE OUR ACTIONS in order to create NEW NEURAL PATTERNS.
Good luck!
If I can quit alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and abusive men, you can too!!
So useful – thank you Velvet Hammer!
Affairs are a FOREST FIRE.
Get you and the baby and the animals in the car. You get to grab some valuables. Get away as fast as you can. You are going to have to leave a lot behind.
Any contact is heading back into the fire.
Absolute minimal contact if you have a child together. My contact/talk is confined confined confined to child/business/divorce ONLY. I do NOT speak to him unless absolutely necessary, and he has POISONOUS FATAL COOTIES so I don’t even stand near him, let alone touch him!!
Velvet:
???? Oy, how I wish I’d heard this gem of an analogy decades ago! I could’ve saved myself a lot of pain…
This is brilliant – thank you – and works so well with how I have described my ex narc husband – as Sasquatch! If affairs are forest fires, I spent far too long in the burning forest looking for Bigfoot. I was looking for any sign of my ex as he once was (kind, warm, loving, loyal). Just as elusive as Bigfoot, sometimes he’d show up with kindness and I’d catch a glimpse of the guy I knew – but most often – I saw no part of the old him at all, which was just sad. So, once I realized the myth of him “returning”, I stopped going into the forest.
Bye, Bigfoot.
Poisonous fatal cooties!!!! I love it! Made me laugh because it’s so true!
“Affairs are a FOREST FIRE.” Gosh I wish I realized this earlier.
I love this analogy of the forest fire! I kept pick me dancing until I realized that my dignity would have to have the cost of leaving a lot that I prized behind. It was worth it.
And congratulations for ridding yourself of smoking. My mother smoked A LOT (3 packs a day, she even had a technique to smoke in the shower without wetting the cig). She gave up with will power and your technique, Velvet.
I think you will like the book “The Brain that Changes Itself”, by Norman Doidge. It is really good and well researched.
I have seen the documentary….thanks for the reminder!
I so badly needed this. xo
Me, too. About sugar.
Going no contact is like going no sugar. It’s tough for the first couple days… you have to literally and consciously NOT call him text him etc.. but after a while it becomes natural. Do you really want to be with a cheater? No. So don’t. Focus on that baby. That’s all you need right now.
Would also add “do I want to be the OW?” because having sex with someone who is living with another woman make YOU the Other Woman!!!
I agree about focusing on your baby. 9 months is when they may learn to pull up in things, mimic words and sounds you make, and learn to wave bye-bye.
Reading to your baby in a comfy chair is way better use of your time than fucking your ex…the benefits will last your child a lifetime!
That’s a great point! Great great point!!!
CL speaks some big truth here: “He made you vulnerable, and now he will happily exploit that vulnerability.”
When I was a terribly hopium addict, I got into a TERRIBLE place of hysterical bonding where I seriously wanted him physically (possibly) because of his horrible rejection of me rather than despite it. That was an AWFUL time when I should have been lawyering up and getting mighty and I did neither.
And while I was playing a wild round of “Insominia Jeopardy” at 4 this morning (I’ll take possible disease for $400 Alex…no non make that “Mistakes with no second chances for $200) I reflected that NONE of my 3 adult children have healthy relationships and based on their various versions of fuckedupness, they might never. Stop this before your child can understand.
Absolutely amen to this. Having pick-me sex might seem at the time to bring you some comfort or to have a chance of winning him back, but it doesn’t work. He is already having I-picked-someone-else-sex (and has cheated before) and is happy for you to now be his bit-on-the-side whenever he has the urge. Take the word of someone who was desperate enough to have already gone down the path of pick-me-sex with a serial cheater – all you end up with is HPV (at best) and feeling shit about yourself for degrading yourself in this way ($125 at the psychologist every Saturday morning). And he will wander off unscathed and continue to screw whoever falls for his charms next. Don’t let your child see this as a pattern for future relationships (also numerous visits to the psychologist for them). Show them instead the awesome person you are – fully there for them, being the sane parent, unlike their cheater dad. You are walking a tough road but you will be okay.
Chumpful
I did that after 30+ year marriage. I thought sex while pick me dancing would keep him but he was too involved with the Owhore. (Now deceased)
He’s now with another woman who thinks he’s the best thing that ever happened to her.
Any port in a storm… wish I would have kicked him to the curb years before. But you are 100% correct. They will never change. Hugs to you ????
Thank you for sharing your story and helping me be mindful today. I’m sorry you got messed up with dickhead, asswipe, fuckwit who belongs in jail.
*slaps Bitchslap Needed*
You’re setting yourself and your sweet kid up for years of horrible heartache and mindfuckery. You’re modelling indecision and low self-worth for your child. You’re denying yourself and your baby as it grows the chance of a loving, supportive relationship with a real man, if you decide you want that, by delaying your recovery. You’re giving away your power to the cheater and his OW, making yourself vulnerable, and that will be reflected in the cheater’s relationship with his kid, if he ever has one. He has to learn that he can’t fuck with you and your kid! You’re missing your Mighty right now, BSN.
Get that guy and his side-pieces out of your head and your future. Think about the years ahead of seeing your kid grow and I hope it’s blessed. You and your child will so much closer and happier without the fuckwit vultures hovering on the sidelines distracting you from your actual one wild and precious life. No contact!
*Hugs Bitchslap Needed* much love and good luck sweetie!
BN – you don’t really need to be bitchslapped. You need to start understanding and believing that the DNA donor in your life DOES NOT experience and process feelings about you, about his own INFANT (most vulnerable creature on the planet!) and about relationships in the same way that you do. Learn about sociopaths. They are takers and assess worth and value of other people on a totally different scale, and they are all disordered to varying degrees. His being a sociopath is how abandonment of you and your infant is a part of your story. It’s how abandonment is a part of my story, too. Instead of screwing that moron hoping he’ll recognize your worth and want you and his infant back (he won’t), like Chump Lady tells us, know YOUR worth. Then read “Confessions of a Sociopath” by M.E. Thomas. Will blow. Your. Mind. But you’ll start to see his actions in the book’s descriptions of social situations. It’s scary. Stay here with us, and get the lockdown on your heart and head. Then, even the thought of being in a bed with him will make you nauseous.
I need a bitch slap…. ????♀️????♀️????♀️
Years of hookers and whatever was out there to fuck- followed by “ its all your fault anyway”
But it’s not your fault and you don’t need to be slapped. You need to shut the door and start building a reality that matters.
You want Bitch Slapped????
Here you go:
You are the laugh around the beer cooler after the softball game. You’re the “Crazy Ex” who just can’t move on and leave him alone because “she craves this dick too much.”
(Everybody laughs)
Yup, my ex’s favorite line for his bros before hoes crowd (let’s forget how sad it is for a 50 year old man to have a crowd like that) ” If you lay ’em right you can walk on ’em forever. It’s all about the summertime boys.” (eye roll, gag) I thi it is one of the bigger reasons it pissed him off so much that I won’t let him walk on me any more. Apparently it shows he’s not quite the “stud” he claimed.
Hammer time not summer time. Even my autocorrect brags on his tripe
SuperDuperChump, I agree! I have no doubt he is calling her the “crazy ex” to his new GF, all the while also cheating on new GF with BN. He probably tells new GF that “crazy ex” wont let him see the kid. A convenient excuse for never bothering to see the kid. My ex did that too. Sucky fathers are always going to blame it on someone else.
BN, it really isn’t a even matter of walking away because you don’t have him in the first place. He’s with someone else and using you for booty calls. No more answering his calls or text if you ever want to be happy again and get to a place of normal. If he wants to see his child someday, he can go through the proper court channels. And get that child support! Your son deserves it!
The point is that he has no respect for you or your child. He’s a user, abuser and a loser. There are three strikes and he’s OUT.
How do you go no contact? As Tracy stated you take action regardless of how vulnerable you feel, face the pain, and build a support system.
You’re here and it’s a start. We’ve been there and done that; we’ve paved the way with compassion, experience and wisdom. Read about our mighty from yesterday’s post.
You can skip the part where you invest YEARS of your life reconciling and going through the predictable cycles that follow. It always gets worse and always a next.
See a therapist with the goal of freeing yourself from an abuser. Raise your child free of drama and chaos.
This is the stone cold truth. Guys like this say this about EVERY woman they discard. It’s image management at its most cruel.
I puked a little in my mouth.
This is so real it made me cry, almost.
Very true that once you stand firm on no contact, the cheating idiot will not like it. This means nothing except that the cheating idiot thinks he ot she should be able to cheat and be an idiot but still totally control you and have your full attention upon demand. Do not engage. The goal of NC is to live in freedom forever, not to get cheating idiot’s attention. So when the cheater rages about NC, stay NC, and enforce that boundary as needed.
You’re actually the other woman. From what you typed it doesn’t sound like you two were married. He moved out and is living with another woman. Even you know you’re not together and don’t think he’s “sticking it to his current girlfriend” by sleeping with you.
And also – please stop spreading for him. It’s gross and I highly doubt you’re using protection. He’d fuck anybody who’d let him – and you’re low hanging fruit right now (very available and he doesn’t even need to take you out on a date to get laid). Is this really want you signed up for? I mean, even if you just want casual sex-there are partners who haven’t screwed you over.
No offense but he’s not special. The dream is gone.
This. You know what men and women call you when you let a man use you this way? Cum dumpster.
Please don’t use such aggressive terms to refer to a Chump. We have all done dumb things. We might need a bitch-slap once in awhile, but always delivered w/compassion, pls!
This goes a bit far for me. Those things might be said by the Cheater and his blokes, but calling someone gross and a cum dumpster for being mixed up on hopium with the father of their child is not helpful.
It’s true she needs to find or refind her self worth. It’s awful that one of the most joyful times in this woman’s life is so painful. CL often refers to the Truth 2×4, but it’s about retaining our dignity, not slutshaming. She’s not the one sleeping around. But she would be happier and healthier not sleeping with him.
I don’t think she (I_survived_Larry_the_tool) is calling her that name. I think she’s saying the ex is likely calling her that behind her back. Even if he isn’t calling her that, that’s the way he thinks of her. It’s a valid point that he is using her body. He doesn’t love her. If he loved her, he would stay. When you love someone you don’t hurt them and use them that way. I’m sure she wants to be loved but this is the farthest thing from it. It’s nothing more than using her body as a vessel for gratification. I hope she puts a stop to it.
Someone downstream in comments just picked up the theme and flat called her one. There are better ways to address it. The key to No Contact is knowing damn well that the Cheater is smearing you and valuing yourself enough to not give a fuck.We value Chumps here. We ask them to question their life choices, but we don’t slutshame. Full stop.
THANK you for your thoughtful comments, Luziana. Spot on.
I’m agreeing with Luz here.
Here’s my question: the X pops up but “he hasn’t seen his kid in months.” He doesn’t pay child support. He didn’t contribute to the hospital bill. How does a woman “hook up” with a guy who doesn’t see their child? Or buy a box of diapers?
And why does she need to be “shamed” in order to do the right thing and file for child support? Set some boundaries? This letter reeks of a tolerance for abuse.
(I was the one who wrote in under BN)
He would push to see me at the end of a work day. “Take an hour early off work and let me take you to dinner so we can talk about our problems!” Child is in daycare for the day (at the other end of the city where I work). He would make promises to have a “family day” just “not today” because hey, Chumpy me is working to pay off our hospital bills.
LAJ:
I think you might have been the person who posted this on the forums and it blew me away. Between this and CL is where my mightiness grew… I think this letter writer could use it.
https://kimsaeed.com/2014/02/22/how-you-became-the-other-woman/
Not sure it was me. I put up a lot of links because my sense is people who get to CL must continue their free online education in recognizing and dealing with character-disorders people and with their own FOO issues in order to get free. At least that was how it worked for me. I used to read whatever anyone posted and found almost all of it helpful.
I appreciate you, and all you do. Really.
Thanks. If I can help someone get a life before age 60, that’s worth the effort. And I love this quotation from the article:
“If you’ve heard of toxic relationship cords, the two of you are connected energetically and because the relationship was so intense, these cords are thicker and more defined. Cords of attachment are negative and hold the negative energies that were part of the relationship. In this cord are stuck memories of betrayal, anger, hatred, sadness, fear, rejection etc. Even if you’re no longer seeing each other, because of this cord, toxic emotions affect your peace of mind, health and happiness.”
So agree Luz, it’s powerful.
“You are the only one that can acknowledge your worth, and it’s not something you have to earn. It’s something you already possess. It’s buried underneath your feelings of personal deficiency, and only through recognizing this and facing it head on will you begin true healing.”
Yes, and where is said child during the hook ups?
Hi —
Nothing wrong with you. You just had a baby and have all of these bonding hormones in your body. This is the way God made us. Now you have a mate and the father of your child who won’t do the right thing. He’s messing up God’s plans. You’ve got no choice but to do the hard thing and kick him out of your life.
These kind of people will go on and on, destroying everything and everyone in their life. This happened to my dear, dear mom with my stepdad. He has destroyed everything. She just kept hanging on. Stockholm Syndrome, I guess. Tragic and sickening the things he has done to our family. Now, after decades of his shit, my whole family is splintered. Sad as it can be. I wish mom would have told him to go to hell 50 years ago. We would all be different, healthier and happier people.
Is there a nice and kind person, wise too, who lives out of town and with whom you and baby can stay / live for awhile? This would give you support. Someone to cook for you, be kind to you, be a safe place to land for awhile.
No Contact is the best medicine. Lies are so harmful to our psyche. Don’t even talk to a liar cuz it messes you up so badly.
You are going to be fine. Even day of No Contact that goes by is a little better, and the effects are cumulative (add up).
Thank you for this, Queen Mother. Your advice is firm and kind and sensible, instead of slutshaming.
I knew that my daughter’s dad was never going to be faithful to me deep in my soul, but I was young and stupid, and had been raised with zero self worth. It took seven years of terrible marriage and another year of a divorce dragging on to completely disengage and find my Mighty. After 4 years alone and doing ALL THE EMOTIONAL WORK on myself, I still met and fell for Cold Slab O’Meat. A completely different flavor of sociopath.
There’s a fine line between a bitchslap and kicking the %$# out of someone at their lowest point and I like the side you’re working on.
Yes, focus on your baby. First off, protect him! OW are notorious for deciding your baby is better off with them. They got your X, now better make it a matching set! What a chilling thought. If you go into warrior mode now, you’ll be ahead of the games those two may play. Plus, it will give you something to focus on, that makes him the foe. Which he already is! Don’t sleep with the enemy, and don’t try to work things out with this jerk. This is a perfect example of Maya Angelou’s saying- he showed you who he is, believe him! He should have DANGER tattooed on his forehead, and various other body parts, so you won’t forget when he comes sniffing around.
Be the Warrior!!
You go to therapy to figure out WHY you do it. But the first thing you need to do is STOP ENGAGING IN THE BEHAVIOR.
Please. If not for your own sake, then for your kids. You have to be The Sane Parent and at this point in time, the best way to do that is to STOP seeing this guy and falling for his patter.
You know he’s a lying sack of shit.
Does it help to think of yourself in the role of Schmoopie? I mean, yes, you’re married to him but he’s living with someone else and YOU are the side-fuck. You are better than that and he’s awful.
Drop him. Don’t see him alone (please enlist friends if necessary, or exchange the children at a police station). Then go figure out why you enjoy eating radioactive Twinkies.
I hope you can turn the page and get away from this entitled freak.
TRUE – all of it!
Please find a good therapist that can help you uncover why the abuse is tolerable for you. We don’t know you personally, but every chump on here will echo: NO ONE deserves to be treated this way. He is not worth the sex and every quickie takes away a little bit more of your power.
If you don’t change for yourself, change for your child – kids model all of our behaviors – good and bad – so model the good for them. Stay away from him completely, get friends and family to help if you need to. Just get the fuck away from him.
When we deliberately seek out excessive drama, the primary motivator is often that it is extremely effective at distracting us from something we don’t want to acknowledge and feel.
In my opinion, you don’t need advice from anyone about how to end the cycle. You need the right support to dig into and process whatever you are hiding from in your soul/heart.
You own self-care isn’t a strong enough motivator right now, and that’s not uncommon in my experience when you have been cruelly devalued. However, you do have a beautiful child who I am betting is important enough to you that you don’t want to normalize bad drama in your household and life and teach your child to build that same life. So, channel that motivation into making yourself a solid parent who normalizes the life you DO want for your child.
Getting “bitchslapped” is just more bad drama. Part of the avoidance cycle. I believe you’re going to have to quit trying to figure out how to go around the storm and knuckle down and go through it to get out on the other side.
Your child’s entire life is at stake, so gear up and get started, says me. Find a counselor who does EMDR and start working on healing the traumas in your life (plural “traumas”, because I am betting your jerkwad cheater isn’t the first to hurt you like this).
One of the best responses in this thread, both compassionate and pragmatic. Thanks for making it.
For the win.
TRUTH.
I agree. I think you likely have some childhood trauma and probably abandonment that made this abuser seem familiar. I know I do/did.
There are some fantastic YouTube guided meditations on abandonment. Start there — once and hour. And, get a contact buddy here— a Chump who is similar to your situation. Tempest can connect the two of you IRL. I have icandothis18… she has literally saved me from contact at least a thousand times these past 3 years. She has become my closest friend. I have been there for her too. We are no longer alone because Tracy created and maintains this wonderful community for us. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Spot on. ????
I agree. This is brilliant: “When we deliberately seek out excessive drama, the primary motivator is often that it is extremely effective at distracting us from something we don’t want to acknowledge and feel.”
BN – Jesus H Christ! The fuckwit doesn’t even need to see his newborn baby? Really? That is a giant teller right there! What part of cum-dumpster (cumpster)?) don’t you get? Put the hopium pipe away and dump this shit for brains NOW! You deserve better than this dung beetle and especially your baby – climb out of this sinkhole and start making a real life – that baby deserves it – and make sure that baby is never influenced by this schizoid freak!
Going no contact is the absolute only way to remove your head from the mindfuck blender. It’s difficult at first and you will have some false starts but you just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over. The longer you go without contact, the easier it is to see his abuse for what it is….abuse.
I realize you have a baby and that means that complete no contact is impossible but removing your head from the blender is still very possible. Use OFW or a designated email account. When you have your child with you, block him on your phone. Go to a lawyer and figure out a custody arrangement and make him stick to it. Drop off and pick ups can be done in a neutral location until you get the hang of this. Trust me, the more distance you get, the more that the thought of him touching you will make you want to vomit. Having sex with him will be out of the question.
Do it first; try to figure yourself out later. Unless you want all this unnecessary drama. Plus which as a couple of people pointed out already, if he’s living with someone else then you are the OW. You don’t want to be the OW, do you? They are so skanky and desperate. Consider yourself bitchslapped.
Good people can’t make badly behaved people see the world through their eyes, there’s no frame of reference, it never works.
He will never see things through your point of view and yet like CL says, you don’t need him in order to get closure.
Close the door first, that’s closure.
Get a lawyer/solicitor, get documenting and get the court to order maintenance payments for your Son.
You deserve a better life.
With or without a future partner is irrelevant.
When you close this door for closure for your own peace of mind, your life will be better.
Yours sincerely,
No Contact for 6 Years, Court Order In Place, Life is Frikking Amazing And Hard, Kid Just Got Accepted To One Of The Best Uni’s in The World and Now He Wants To See Her But She Doesn’t Want To And It Is A Child Protection Issue so…… Nope!
It gets better.
Cheryl, I haven’t seen this before but sometimes the simplest truths are the best:
“Close the door first, that’s closure.”
That’s simple but brilliant! LOVE IT!!
For real – it’s going in my back pocket!
I had a narcissistic ex boyfriend who after I kicked him out for cheating left his stuff at mine and kept a bike I owned. It was a very vulnerable time of my life. In order to ensure that I didn’t contact him I took his record collection to a charity shop. That way I knew I would keep away from him because he would ask about it if I saw him. It was hard because I had been relying on him at a time when I desperately needed support.
If you have a nuclear option like that then do it.
Maybe sex with him is all that and a bag of chips, but is 30-60 minutes of pleasure worth the hours of mental agony you go through after he leaves? Please be kind to yourself, love yourself so you can share huge love with your wonderful child. Maybe say something to yourself like ‘what he does is not my business, he is not for me, he is not here for my good or the good of my child’. It ain’t easy but each day gets a little better. Blessings are coming your way.
You’ve never had great sex until you had it with someone who has the capacity to communicate deeply and love maturely. When you are with that person, you relax and open your soul.
So sex with fuckwits isn’t satisfying…unless you like pain shopping and wondering when the next ax or dday is going to happen.
Just here to echo every bit of this! YES TRACY!
It sounds like you’re trauma bonded. You haven’t processed the heartbreak and you’re using sex with the ex to avoid processing it and feeling that terrible pain. You have to let yourself feel it and go through that hell in order to get him out of your head and out of your bed. There’s a much better, asshole free life at the end of the gauntlet you have to run. So run it already.
Sex is your trauma bond addiction. When you start no contact, it will literally feel like withdrawal. Similar to quitting opiates. Opiates are painkillers and you’re using sex in the same way. You just want the pain to go away. The willpower to do better for yourself and your baby has to be stronger.
I agree with the commenter above that it would be great to find family or friends to stay with, preferably out of the city or state. Ones that will agree with no contact and be strong for you. The months after having a baby are hard enough with hormones and sleep deprivation. Adding a trauma bond addiction will require all of your strength.
The difference between No Contact and the silent treatment is the intention of the outcome by the user. The silent treatment is an abusive tactic of manipulation. No Contact is the path to healing from an abusive situation.
Be ready for the emotional roller coaster once you start no contact and the three channels of mindfuckery from your ex. Consider CL and CN your sponsor and come here everyday for support on your journey. You’ve got this!
You deserve to be treated better. This is about him, not you. Sleeping with him, lets him know what he can get away with. The ow is not better in anyway than you but she will let or lie to him that he is good, what women who want their partner not to or provide for their child. She probably thinks he will be better treated than your child. You need to get tour maintenance sorted.
She’s living a lie, and not to be cruel, probably so are you.
Good luck
“that Netflix series on the hidden lives of dogcatchers…”
I laughed out loud. Good thing the guy I share an office with is used to it :D.
On a serious note, BN, it’s good you realize what you need to do. Just do it; don’t think about it any more.
A painful lesson that I have learned is that everyone needs to regularly assess the relationships in their lives and ask themselves “what am I getting out of this and does this relationship benefit me” ?
I know that sounds selfish but it is not because if you don’t look out for your own interests– who will ??
By assessing all relationships you protect yourself from one sided and abusive people. It IS actually healthy and if you have a big heart and are a giver like most chumps, this exercise will protect you.
OP about your “Ex”, one of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou “when people show you who they are by their actions, believe them” !
He has showed you who he REALLY is and how he REALLY feels about you—sorry to be so blunt but he sees you as an easy lay and a convenient side chick. He obviously cares nothing about your child so go to a lawyer and go no contact.
Oh honey. Listen here to everyone’s sage advice. Trauma-bonded, relationship blindness, postpartum depression – whatever to call it, it isn’t good for you. Get away – no contact – in order to achieve clarity.
To draw on CL logic, you really do need to get out – ACT FIRST – to better understand the situation – SEE LATER. Your survival instincts are severely impaired right now and you are unable to instinctually sense the danger that is around you.
Get out and serve him up. Put yourself first (oxygen mask) so that you can save your child. Get away from the source that is sucking up your air.
Came across this recently, hope it helps: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201809/4-reasons-we-blind-ourselves-our-bad-relationships
Also, read up on “betrayal blindness” as a part of “betrayal trauma” if you are looking to make sense of what you are going through and the choices that you are making. Do this while you GET OUT!
No bitch slap for you
Toxic shame is the foundation of ALL addictive behavior. You are acting out an addiction called a trauma bond or sometimes a betrayal bond. You know the a fuck wit is seducing, decieving, and using you, but you are compelled to retramatize yourself. Like the alcoholic in denial, you say, ” this time it will be different.” It won’t, and once again you will feel toxic shame. NC works for the same reason abstinence works for the alcoholic. Alcholics in recovery know to take it one day at a time, and to work on valuing themselves, and that means avoiding anything that makes them feel shame. He makes you feel shame. Google The Betrayal Bond. Trauma bonds and what is seduction to learn more. I’m wishing you strength and wisdom
YES TO THIS.
Read THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR. Your stbx might not be one but he is not a nice person. He is playing with you. Imagine if your child is three and he is swinging her way up in the air. Imagine her crying that she is scared but he keeps swinging her because, after all, he is just playing. Would you let him keep doing it? Well, protect yourself. He has no right to treat you this way.
All of us are vulnerable to people like him. We don’t have the ability to deliberately cause others pain. We believe people who tell us things.
CL has this issue defined perfectly. You are a used appliance who is barely running but he swings by every now and then to have a little quicky and to make sure you are still there. If you weren’t he wouldn’t care. That’s what you need to get.
He doesn’t respect you or your child so the best thing you can do is respect yourself x
We could all give you the best advice under the sun, but until you make the decision to act, it’s rinse repeat.
Today, take a step and act.
A suggestion: every time you think about him and feel the urge to make contact, instead phone/text/message a friend.
Ps: STDs are real. Protect your health.
Been there, babe. D-Day was 11 weeks post-partum and he only told me because his pregnant girlfriend wanted to know what WE wanted to do about custody of his child. (Yes, STBX has 2 kids who are 7 months apart in age. Class act, all the way, amirite?)
Listen, that first 15 months after the baby is born is HELL. You are in a stinky, leaky breasts, sleep-deprived fog. Don’t make it worse for yourself. Get some sleep. Take the baby with you to therapy. My therapist was there to support me and I remember nursing the baby while weeping in session with her.
Here’s your bitch slap – He is incapable of being a good man. He may say the right things, but he does NOT know how to do the right thing. Good men are honest and faithful. It shouldn’t have to be such a high bar, but unfortunately, it is. Don’t give him points for “trying.”
Dear one, I get that you want your baby to have a father – but he’s not quality material. Give up now.
BN,
I really feel for you as your story sounds a lot like the story of my relationships, especially the last one. 1.5 years since my last partner’s last discard of me for his work subordinate (now wife), I still spend a lot of time ruminating over what coulda shoulda happened, wondering how Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the guy I thought I knew and trusted for 30 years and loved more than anyone else, could outright lie to, gaslight, manipulate, insult, criticize, and try to control me in strange ways for years. I spend just as much time beating myself up for and trying to figure out why I spackled and tolerated the abuse for years. If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her that by leaving at the first sign of disrespect I could spare my old self much agony, time, and money. As I have no superhuman gifts, I cannot do that, but I can share the story of my life trajectory, ideally benefiting you and others.
You are still in shock from being dumped and discarded.
He must enjoy having women competing for him. He sure is not worth it. Any man who sticks you with all the bills and ignores his child is a reject.
If you sleep with dogs you will get fleas. You have the strength to tell him that IF he wants to be a family he will pay his half of the hospital bills and send child support. You will see a disappearing act if you insist he man up.
He has proven he has poor character. Over and over. Why do this to yourself? He is a creep.
As usual, CL is 100% spot on. I might emphasize even further that this guy, in his neglect of his child and failure to provide and what not, is a child abuser. Parental omissions are abuse. He is abusing your child. You are sleeping with a man who is abusing your child. When you reframe the issue around your child in this way it might be easier to see him for the disgusting human he is and stop aiding and abetting his abuse. Best of luck.
(I am the one who wrote in to CL as BN, figured bitchslap needed was a poor forum name)
Thank you, not a nice chump. That mindset actually is quite helpful. Of course, let’s not forget that it is ALL MY FAULT that he hasn’t seen our child. (According to him, hah.)
Sometimes it’s easier to ‘Mama Bear’ your way into a better life than doing it just for yourself cause we all value our kids’ well being. Even if he were seeing your child and were paying child support, keep in mind that this is a person who would drop a nuclear bomb on you and your newborn child. There’s just no coming back from that.
Let me put it this way…if cheating is on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being ‘drunkenly kissing a stranger at a bar and then being filled with instant regret’ and 10 being ‘repeated sex with disease-ridden whores and then exposing your wife to their diseases and then robbing her and then beating your kids on the way out the door’…your charmer is right around 8, maybe 9. So yea, pretty bad.
Hi CN, I made my first comment and replied to a few comments on the last blog post. I’m 2 weeks out of Dday but have been reading CL for several months.
I’m still in shock but I already beat a 2 week bout of depression and sleeplessness several months ago. I’m sleeping ok now and have been getting plenty of exercise.
I’m 27, my cheater wife is 29 (which I didn’t figure out until the day I proposed 6 years ago). Shame on me for overlooking that enormous lie.
We have a beautiful daughter turning 2 next month. My wife had a 4 month affair with a 2x convicted felon she randomly met at a bar.
My wife has long-standing emotional issues, especially insecurity, that I thought I could “handle”. Again, shame on me for foolishness.
She has struggled mightily with motherhood, but her efforts toward our family have been commendable, less the affair that I know about. She has a high stress low paying job as a social worker and I was extremely proud to be married to her.
That is why I agreed to watch our daughter solo every weekend both nights so she could “heal” from the stress of her job and motherhood. I enabled her to spend the night and spend hundreds of dollars per night betraying me.
We are seeing MC and IC. CN convinced me that sitting in limbo is not a good option so I’ve started making plans.
My hope has shifted from reconciliation to effective parenting and equitable dissolution. It feels empowering.
My insecure wife is a huge spender, and I’m actually excited to see what I can do with 1/3 of my paycheck.
We live in a no fault community property state. I will probably end up paying alimony for 2 years and child support for 16 years. Our principle asset is stocks from my employer that will likely be cut 50-50.
She wants to stay in our house and have primary custody but will likely agree to 50-50 timeshare.
She is volatile and emotional so I’m quickly losing hope for an amicable divorce.
I cannot stoop to entrapment or otherwise play dirty to win custody of our daughter. But I will be sure to add a no significant other clause for one year to our settlement.
I’ve been waffling about reconciliation. If I’m in favor of reconciliation, my wife is cold. If I’m ready to move on, her emotions go out of control immediately.
Please pray for me and my daughter and provide any wisdom for this situation.
Proceed with caution. Act in the best interest of yourself and your daughter. Others might give push back on your one year clause of not introducing others but once your motivation is not malice your are half way there. Don’t be afraid to mention the ex-con relationship.
The courts can be funny. Sometimes they put the children in harms way in a misguided belief that they are doing what is right for all concerned. State the facts. Your facts alone will make a good case. You take care of your daughter every weekend. Find out how care is done during the week. Record if you need to.
In the words of my mother :you’ve got to ease your hand out of the lion’s mouth. Good luck to you!
If I’m in favor of reconciliation, my wife is cold. If I’m ready to move on, her emotions go out of control immediately.
You already have your answer. Please take reconciliation off the table. It sucks, I’m sorry, but there it is.
As you move forward and talk to lawyers, please please please, play your cards close to the chest. Don’t let your wife know until your lawyer gives you the green flag. You need to hide what you’re doing so your wife can’t sabotage you.
It sounds like the first thing you need is a good lawyer. Under no circumstances should she get more than 50/50 custody, she has no basis for that. You should fight for primary custody on the grounds that she has been abandoning your child on the weekends. Document everything you can to support that. You need a lawyer who knows how to make that happen or will at least give you the best shot. You also need to document her employability in order to reduce alimony as much as possible. You may not be able to avoid a fight, but do what you have to, protect your rights as a father and protect your child. Good luck.
Hi Mac, it’s good to hear you’re feeling empowered. I know it’s a hard, heartbreaking situation you are going through. For what it’s worth, I think you are on the right path–for yourself and your little girl. You are both in my prayers.
Mac1234…. get the best lawyer there is and follow advice to the letter. Fight for as much time with your child as possible. No matter what, keep that baby as your priority. Break free! So many wonderful people will come into your life and this monsterous woman will be a distant memory.
Agreed with Pers. Lots of us have emotional difficulties and challenging jobs. Yet, we don’t lie and cheat.
I’m truly sorry for your situation. Financially, you’re about to eat some serious shit sandwiches. But, you would eaten those anyways. At least now you can build off your feeling of empowerment and take control of your life. Best of luck
Hi Mac, you were a good human being and husband when you supported your wife with low seld-esteem. I personally don’t understand why she needed to relax by being away from both you and a small child abd spending a lot of money. Surely she could go jogging, playing basketball, or you could make together nice meal, or watch a movie?
Her low self-esteem when she was looking for other men and I doubt she’s got moods with her fellon. Her emotions flare up because they’re the way to control you or shut you up. Shortly, they’re a way to manipulate you. You deserve better. Next time choose a less moody woman who’s fully adult, enjoys her family rather than runs away from it. She doesn’t need to be rewarded for behaving like an adult when she’s an adult. Good luck and all the best.
This literally gave me an anxiety attack reading all the posts as I type this through tears. This post could have been to me( minus the baby). I could have used this post 4 months ago. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I too had sex with the fuckwit, seriously trauma bonded with ex. He knew I was vulnerable and knew how to manipulate. I just didn’t want to process the hurt and pain. Thank God I found CL and CN. It literally saved my life( yes I had suicide thoughts). The fog is lifting, I am no longer in need of hopium or sex from ex. I am finally seeing my worth as CL put it.
I didn’t want to go no contact but finally did 4 months ago that is why the fog is finally lifting. Best thing ever!!!!
Good for you, keep up the good fight!
I will add that, what you are doing by screwing the ex will be harmful to your baby. When the baby reaches about the age of 2 to 3, they will notice, but wont be able to vocalize it. When the kid reach about 6 years old, they will definetly feel something is wrong.
When they get to be a teenger, the child will know it is wrong, but it will be internalized as something wrong with the child.
Because what the child will see is “daddy only visits me when he and mom go into the bedroom and leaves me alone” and that will end up becoming “i am such a fuck up, dad doesnt want to see me, he only comes over to see mom”.
DO NOT put your child through that!
I have an automated message that is sent to me every day at 10am “Act don’t think”. It helps get me out of any rumination cycle and into action. I would advise you explore doing something similar though with a lot more impact. It sounds like you know that you know what to do but sometimes you fall prey to your ex’s advances. That’s understandable since this guy knows exactly how to push your buttons and take full advantage of you.
What you need to do is figure out how to go no-contact and make it stick. There have been some excellent suggestions here and I advise you to take those and keep brainstorming. At this point you need a steady stream of constant reminders not to contact or respond to your ex under any circumstances. Perhaps it’s signage you put on your bathroom mirrors, try a voodoo doll that stab each time you feel the urge to contact, it could be a playlist of music that reminds you to be mighty or you write in your journal 100x each day that you will not contact the rotten scoundrel. I’d enlist friends/family to help keep you accountable. It sounds ridiculous but this stuff works, I promise.
I also agree with the need for professional help. First, a lawyer to funnel all communication and to help sort out the child support, custody, legal issues. I’d also strongly recommend committing to working long term with a therapist to guide you through healing. A therapist/counselor can also assist in keeping you no-contact.
From the information you’ve provided it sounds to me like you are a mistress/OW. You don’t need or deserve that. Run far and keep yourself away from him so the bonds will loosen over time and you don’t fall prey to his overtures and lies. I think the recommendation that someone else made about leaving town/finding someone to live with is a good one.
You don’t need to be bitch slapped – this guy has already done enough of that.. What you need to do is stop taking the bait. It won’t be easy and it will hurt like hell but the only way out of this is to go no-contact forever with this individual.
Be mighty!
1) When you are shooting yourself in the foot, the first thing you do is throw away the gun
2) Consider why you need to permission (or to be “bitch slapped”) in order to do what you want to do anyway
Get a lawyer. Spell out his financial responsibilities to the baby. Don’t have sex with him. Go focus on yourself and how you are going to parent for 18 long years with a fuck wit.
If you tend to be so flexible that you fall over, need to wrap yourself around someone or be told what to do – that is something you should explore. For your sake and your child.
Not gonna lie… That letter made me want to bitch slap the writer. Her snivelling self sabotage was a bit much. I pondered… Can someone be that stupid? … But here she is.
Usually when I encounter this level of stupid I run. Cause people like this keep doing stupid shit and looking for a saviour. Someone to validate them in one way or another. The classic ones are those who ask you to ‘be real’ with them. They turn around and rationalise your ‘realness’ until they are back where they started.
I had a freind like this. After near 20 years I left her with her drama
Her father asked me to take care of her, which I thought strange but now I understand what he meant. He knew that she was just addicted to making bad choices.
All that to say…. Yea. No bitch slap from me. Check us when you ask on the clue you have and stop behaving like your legs are some kind of spring door that he falls through and that you are some kind of hapless dolt. Oh.. Dear… Maybe I have bitch slapped you.
That letter made me want to bitch slap the writer. Her snivelling self sabotage was a bit much. I pondered… Can someone be that stupid? … But here she is.
You’re obviously dealing with your own problems right now, but please take it elsewhere. This is a community for supporting abuse victims who are still in the thick of it, and unsurprisingly, that process takes time. Bullying has no place here.
(I am the one who wrote into CL as BN)
Goodness. This was a fair amount of projection of my character for a couple of paragraphs written in desperation. I wrote that letter to CL A few weeks ago on the day I found the website.
To say I’m stupid is a bit much for someone posting to the website forums for CHUMP network. That’s what I thought this website was/is a support group for fellow people who have been used and abused.
As it stands, I have been no contact since writing in. I was planning/am probably still going to write an update back to CL at a month out, but she responded to me. My life has had several major upturns since going no contact. Frankly, I find the comments that I am toxic, stupid, and have no intention of changing my life unhelpful. I am already in the process of doing so. It was as stated above – I was looking for some tough love.
I’m sorry a few people here have been so rude. Clearly, they’re dealing with their own issues and are projecting their own crap onto you. It’s impossible to extend empathy to others when we don’t know how to do that to ourselves, right? Whether those people are willing to admit it or not, we’ve all been through D-Day and the temporary poor decision making & insanity that brings. It’s normal. For what it’s worth, 99% of the comments here are cheering you on.
I am so glad to hear you’re doing better! Good job going no contact. I hope you have a lawyer and are someplace safe.
Can’t speak for Mandie, but I am not “clearly dealing with my own issues”. Long divorced from cheater-ex, happily re-married, raised 7 happy and healthy children with second hubby, satisfying career, heading into blissful retirement. Actually, a pretty fantastic time in my life.
Curious that Zoid did not reveal herself until Mandie’s ‘rude’ comments. Those surely got her attention. Why, I wonder? Not because they were rude, but because they struck the biggest chord. Enough hand-wringing already. Kudos to Mandie for her straight-up, no bullshit commentary.
Mandie went over the line, was being a bully, and Zoid was correct to stand up for herself. Zoid did not have a scheduled time to “reveal” herself, so not sure what your point is, there. There are some people who get off on being harsh with people who are struggling, and Zoid didn’t have to take it. And she didn’t. My kudos go to Zoid.
Good for you! Glad you are on an upswing. I think many of us are proud of you for this report.
Also, i applaud you responding to crass and classless comments with dignity and class.
It sounds as though the OP, BN, wanted some ‘tough love’ (what she calls a ‘bitch slap’) or some other type of guidance as she is struggling mightily with cognitive dissonance and co-dependency. While I will contend that some people say that they want ‘tough love’ and maybe it’s useful for some people in some situations (although not my style of helping), it would be compassionate to draw the line at calling people ‘snivelling,’ ‘stupid,’ ‘a dolt.’ I don’t think that BN is any of those things based on what I’ve read. She’s traumatized, addicted, and knows and acknowledges these things. She’s probably already carrying much depression, anxiety, anger at self and others, and low self-esteem, so I’m not sure how adding more will help. Let’s make this board an emotionally ‘safe’ place for people to share their innermost thoughts, emotions, and personal information.
I don’t think Mandie is bullying here. I too, know people (some of whom are family) who have made severely self-sabotaging choices for most of their lives, and then feel justified into turning themselves into hapless victims of an unjust, abusive, cruel world, all the while looking for people to validate their toxic worldview. These people are drama-seeking and tiresome. At this point, Bitchslap Needed has profound co-dependent issues to sort out but she knows already knows that. Why the need for an audience to bitch-slap her then?
Telling someone they have the power to change their worldview is very different from calling them stupid and saying you want to bitch slap them.
I stand by my comments. Others see it differently and I’m sure they stand by their comments too… Even the commenter who claims I’m dealing with issues. Fair play to you.
The writer is not a chump trying to make an out of her current situation. She gave her whole story which amounts to endless self sabotage then asks for a bitch slap. Basically some flagellation. Why ? Because she is going to keep up this behaviour for a while yet and she knows it.
I’ve dealt with the type too many times. They don’t really want help… At least not at the moment. They want you to tell them what they already know, feel ‘punished’, then go off to do the same thing. They want to dump on you. It’s drama for all concerned and they secretly feed off of it as much as the cheater.
She keeps letter her ‘abuser’ back in knowing what the end game is. Who is playing who? For this type of ‘chump’ it’s a power play.
I’m not feeding into her victimhood. This is self inflicted and clearly she has her own motives.
I will not lend a soft place to land for this one. She needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with her mess that she is adding to. As others have said she has a child watching.
She’s no more a timid forest creature than the cheater is.
Totally agree with you, Mandie. Well said. Also not going to be emotionally manipulated here. We are indeed looking at power play, not a victimization. Bitchslap Needed should put on her big girl panties and we need to take off our rose-coloured glasses.
(I am the one who wrote into CL as BN)
Goodness. This was a fair amount of projection of my character for a couple of paragraphs written in desperation. I wrote that letter to CL A few weeks ago on the day I found the website.
To say I’m stupid is a bit much for someone posting to the website forums for CHUMP network. That’s what I thought this website was/is a support group for fellow people who have been used and abused.
As it stands, I have been no contact since writing in. I was planning/am probably still going to write an update back to CL at a month out, but she responded to me. My life has had several major upturns since going no contact. Frankly, I find the comments that I am toxic, stupid, and have no intention of changing my life unhelpful. I am already in the process of doing so. It was as stated above – I was looking for some tough love.
(Posted above to the wrong reply.)
I’m glad you’re offended. Let’s see if you take your indignation and act in self preservation for yourself and your daughter. All the best.
Offended is the wrong word. Unhelpful, yes. More along the lines of bemused that people can read so strongly into an anonymous post on a website asking for help. I will be posting a much longer update below.
Hello everyone, I am the one who wrote in under bitchslap needed. Figured I’d need a better forum name.
I just gave CL an update of how I’ve been under the last few weeks of NC, so I’ll paste it below. Also, thank you for your encouragements, everyone. It has been very helpful in my weakest moments.
A little bit more backstory, since my original post has questions about my past. Fuckwit was my first boyfriend and only real long term relationship. Looking at it stepped back, I’ve probably gone along with how he’s treated me because he was grooming me and has been doing it for years. Emotional abuse is sinister in that way, and when I went in to get checked I was handed the pamphlet on “are you in a safe relationship?” Spoiler alert: Nope! He checked most of the danger boxes. He just draws the line at physical abuse. I think the emotional is sinister in its own special way, because it’s easier for me to go back to. On to the update!
1) I got tested and had bacterial vaginosis (a recent development, thanks Schmoopie) but everything else I was tested for came back clean, thank God.
2) I got a completely unexpected windfall of money that paid off a significant chunk of my medical debt. (No, not a gift from anyone, something I wasn’t aware I had saved up! Yay, me, and yay for fuckwit not knowing because he would’ve stolen it all if he’d have gotten a whiff. Did I mention I also supported us? He’s a winner, ladies!)
3) Hilariously, the pay cut/job movement I took at his request has resulted in a major promotion. The last time we spoke (prior to me starting NC) he said that “if I got the job it really wasn’t that much extra” but gosh, it sure does make a difference when I’m not supporting his ass!
4) He never did the paperwork to be on the birth certificate and I have now changed our child’s last name to mine. I am lucky enough to be in a financial position that I do not need to have him pay child support and would prefer he disappear entirely from our lives. We were not married, so no troubles there.
5) Most importantly, I have started feeling some joy again. It’s been so long. I was in so much pain from my C section and then D-Day a week after giving birth. I was alone taking care of a newborn and couldn’t even sit up in bed. I didn’t even realize what a husk of my formal self I’ve been. I was breastfeeding our son last week and just felt perfectly, wonderfully content. I realized in that moment that this is the worst thing he’s done to me. He stole my happiness during the first months of my child’s life. I should have been feeling this joy for so long. That fucker.
He has tried three times on different days to reach me. Either by blowing up my phone calling or texting. I did answer once to tell him I was done, you are useless, leave me alone. I think I shocked/wounded his ego so much (she has a spine?? Didn’t I pound that out of her years ago??? Whaaaa?!!) that he disappeared.
I’m still not to Meh. I know this is the beginning and it’s an uphill battle for a while. But I am so thankful to you, and to the posters who told me I could do it.
Go Chump Nation! (Cheerleader pose.)
This makes me smile, so happy for you, Zoid and babe! Xxx
Glad things are improving.
Continue to salt away money for yourself (401K) and for your baby’s future (529 plan).
Good for you zoid! Stay strong and NC. Enjoy your precious baby. I guess you asked for tough love and you got it from the posters. Take what you need and leave the rest. We are here to support each other. I assure you each of us had made stupid mistakes in our immediate post dday. I was so stupid I “helped” him diagnose a condition that he lapped up and delayed me filing. It was in that moment I saw through his charade. We get there finally. Hugs
I love your writing.
This was a good one Tracy!