My husband has been having sex with the same person since before we got married in 1995 and I never knew it. Yet, he has accused me of cheating on him our entire marriage and I have never cheated on him!
On a recent visit to the doctor, he was sent to the emergency room. His sister took him and he went to great lengths to leave his personal cell phone locked up at his work building. He had his work phone with him, and while at the hospital his sister gave it to me. I had suspected that he was seeing someone who owned a bar that he frequented and I thought it was really strange that he went to great trouble to not bring his cell phone to the hospital.
He ended up having to have heart surgery and was in the hospital for several days. I stayed by his side the entire time. During this time, I found a way to hack his work phone to get into his personal email address and I changed passwords on his Instagram account so I could see who he was chatting with. I knew from our cell phone records the social media report was really high. If I could get the recovered messages, then I could see who he was communicating with. I felt like it was the lady who owned the bar.
The downloaded Instagram data came up on my phone on Friday. I was still logged into his personal email so I forwarded this to my email address and what I discovered has been the most shocking, heartbreaking, life-shattering information I have ever received.
My fear of him seeing the bar owner was nothing compared to what was revealed. My friend and our neighbor of 30 years has been fucking my husband since before we got married.
It wasn’t the bar owner at all. It was someone right under my nose — someone I have been friends with for over 30 years! My husband and I got married in 1995, and he and OW were having a sexual relationship that I never knew existed. We had our first child in 1999 and our second child in 2001. OW was engaged to her now husband and in 2001 and as soon as our second child was born, OW and my hubs hooked up and had sex. This sexual “pact” they have or sexual relationship has taken place for 18 years of our 24-year marriage.
It is extremely convenient for them to get together because the OW is like a family member, and she attends all of our family events, as a matter of fact, her parents have lived next door to my husband growing up all of their lives, and we share a property line with the OW, her husband, and their two kids!!
When I questioned the OW about it she asked me if I was crazy?? And I replied, “You have 60 seconds to answer me before I contact your husband.” She called me and asked me what I wanted to know? I said, “How long have you been fucking him?” and she said since before we were married.
This has been the most shocking information I have ever gotten in my life. I have not told her husband. He doesn’t know anything. And my husband is just really sorry he got caught. He says he doesn’t love her and has never loved her. But I am certain that he has never loved me either!
I am still in the marriage… Not sure what direction I am going to go. This is by far the biggest betrayal I have ever heard of much less experienced. There is so much more to this story. As I reveal more and more of the details of this nightmare, I cannot believe what all he has done to me and our family.
You’re not sure what direction you’re going to go? May I suggest the exit ramp away from Crazytown?
Whether it’s 18 of the 24 years he’s been fronting a double life, or all 24, or 30 years with her and a 24-year-long farce with you — this is NOT salvageable. You cannot have both your sanity and this dumpster fire of dysfunction.
You’re probably searching the Interwebs for answers right now. And you’re going to weigh my advice against the 16.7 bazillion purveyors of hopium, pushing crap like “Don’t make any decisions for at least 6 months!” or “Do the 180” or “Look towards the horizon for unicorns!” (Apparently it takes 5 to 7 years to see one. But don’t get stroppy and ask too many questions or he’ll disappear!)
Karen, there is no reconciliation unicorn on your horizon. There’s just a jackass on your sofa who’s sorry he got caught. For both of them to conspire against you for decades, and fuck around right under your nose, is utterly sociopathic. They aren’t wired right. They’re the crazies. I know you must be crushed with grief, feeling pretty crazy yourself — but this was never about you. It’s not your fault. It’s about two sickos getting off on their power trip. It’s abuse.
Your husband probably is saying all the Stupid Shit Cheaters Say — he didn’t intend to hurt you. I see he’s throwing out the consolation prize that you’re the one he Really Loves. (This is your cue to exult with hurrahs that you won the pick-me dance.) Next he’ll subtly or not so subtly play the sad sausage (mindfuck channel: self-pity), that he wasn’t happy, that this all Hurts Him Too, that you have faults that drove him to it. (Dance harder! Don’t let the turd slip through your hands!)
And those 16.7 bazillion purveyors of hopium will mire you in that shit. If you stay, you’ll fork over money on books like “When Splendid People Cheat.” You’ll sit on a shrink sofa and nod along while you examine all your faults that compelled him to commit a 24-year-long conspiracy of abuse. Oh, if only. Had you just improved yourself ever so slightly in 1997 it might not have come to this.
All of this will have the effect of making you enraged or paralyzed with grief. The rage is lucidity. The paralysis is a system shutdown trying to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of who he REALLY is, and who you THOUGHT he was. Paralysis works for him. Keeps him in cake — you and the affair and nothing changing.
How to keep you in paralysis? Keep you high on hopium. Hey, he doesn’t want a divorce! (That’s not the same as sorry. And it means nothing other than, Hey! I’d like to keep my 401K! And hey! Don’t tell the chump next door!) You’ll get some kibble scraps. (Dance for them.)
Mindfuckery will also keep you stuck. (That works for him too.) Chaos, gaslighting, blameshifting. If you spend all this time and money combatting that malarky (in therapy, preferably at $170/hour) — it’s time you’re not in a lawyer’s office. Just buy another reconciliation book! A unicorn approaches!
About that exit ramp…
Fuck that shit, Karen. Protect yourself. You get a lawyer and you sing like a canary to the chump next door. He’s you. He’s your ally. She is NOT your ally — she’s the piece of shit who sat at your dinner table, enjoyed your hospitality, and then fucked your husband for 24 years.
Shared property line, shared husband — you don’t share anything with her ever again, Karen. You don’t share your feelings, your thoughts, and your strategies going forward. You are 100% Team Karen.
When someone abuses you — GET AWAY. You cannot heal until you leave and go no contact.
When someone abuses you — PROTECT YOURSELF. You see a doctor for STD testing. You see a lawyer to navigate yourself out of the nightmare. You see an accountant and protect your finances. You don’t cozy up to the monster on the shrink sofa and discuss monster FOO issues. You don’t ask what you did to make him a monster. (Are you the full moon, Karen?) You RUN. AWAY. FROM. MONSTERS.
He’s a monster. She’s a monster. RUN, Karen.