While I am reaching meh, I was wondering if the Universal Bullshit Translator could help me out.
During one of our last few conversations, where I was begging Ex to just be nice to me while I moved out — I was in the process of packing everything to move across the country and would shortly be out of his life forever — he got really quiet and said, “Schmoopie said I should be nice to you in this time, too.”
I became furious and screamed at him that, of course, she would say that because: 1) it made her sound like a better person than me; and 2) she was looking to the future, to when he would cheat on her, and wanted to be sure he could be nice to someone he’d cheated on.
Any other insight? While I’m doing way better and am victoriously living my own life, minus 180 pounds of fuckwit, the phrase “she said I should be nice to you, too” keeps popping up in my mind randomly, and it makes me sad and furious every time.
Cyn (not short for Cynical)
P.S. Spoiler: he couldn’t handle being nice to me. There was about 2 weeks left at that point. Of course he couldn’t, because he is a selfish immature disordered cheater.
Let’s begin with begging your ex to be “nice” to you. Anyone you have to beg to be nice? IS NOT NICE. Pleading for civility is a classic chump move. It’s at once parental — Use your indoor voice, please! — and pitiful — Can you maintain a simulacrum of decency while I exit your life?
For future reference, just never go there. He doesn’t have an insight problem. Gosh, if I point out to him that he’s not being nice, he’ll straighten up. He must’ve overlooked his manners! He has a character problem. Your pain is a turn on. It’s kibbles.
That’s why when you asked him to “be nice” he brought out the knife and stabbed you with “Schmoopie said I should be nice to you too.” He’s reminding you that Schmoopie won the Pick Me dance, but she’s being very gracious about your loser status. They shall refrain from stubbing their cigarettes out on your face. But do be a dear and recycle your packing boxes afterwards.
Of course it’s infuriating. It’s a mindfuck on many levels.
1.) He won’t be nice because you ask him. But Schmoopie reminded him? Oh yeah, that carries weight.
2.) Schmoopie is an elevated soul who cares about everyone’s welfare, even yours! And while you may be bitter and angry, she is magnanimously above such base emotion. She thought enough to remind Ex to be kind to you. She didn’t think enough not to fuck your partner, but whatever. Hearts and kisses.
3.) “Too” — as if you share some common bond. (Vaginosis?) Gosh, you reminding me to be nice, reminds me that she said the same thing! Isn’t that a coincidence? Us discussing you. You discussing me. Me at the center of all of this. And did I mention ME? Yes, we’ve have some very improving conversations about your moving out… Of course that rankles. He’s implying that he and Schmoopie discuss your relationship and how he should comport himself.
Fuck that shit.
I must take exception to your theory about Schmoopie, however:
she was looking to the future, to when he would cheat on her, and wanted to be sure he could be nice to someone he’d cheated on.
Ye-ah. No. Cheaters never cheat on the Special, Cyn. Until they do, and then it’s a huge shock — and much more unjust than anything that ever happened to you. No, trust that Schmoopie’s sole objective here is condescension. And he is weaponizing her condescension, to hurt you on the way out the door.
Now that we’ve decoded all that — trust that he sucks. Don’t dwell on what all that was about — it was insult added to injury, swathed in “nice.” Who needs that crap?
Keep rocking the victorious new life.