Dear Chump Lady
I have a request for the UBT. I’m just over a year out after D-Day and am pretty much no contact with my ex apart from arranging his once-every-3-weeks weekend visit with the kids.
I’ve had him and OW blocked on social media since last summer and it’s made a huge difference to my mental health. But I did have a little wobble over the holidays and very briefly unblocked and had a peek.
I was relieved to find that whatever they were up to didn’t really hurt any more. I was mostly full of scorn and derision, reblocked, and haven’t looked back. But OW’s New Year’s post has stayed with me, and I’d love for you to put it through the Universal Bullshit Translator for me.
My girlfriends and I have made attempts at snark, but I feel like you could do it justice for the delusional drivel that it is. (I can’t take credit for any of the appalling punctuation, or lack thereof — it’s all her own work).
“We grow older we grow wiser, people grow apart and people change, not everyone fits but you are the piece of my puzzle I was always missing and I adore you inside and out and I will continue to show you every day, thank you for making me happy I will always make you feel like the best, most sexy, amazing version of yourself you can be, happy new year gorgeous, I love you.“
Puzzle Piece Reject
I think it’s a generally good idea to avert your eyes at Pick Me Dance performances. No one wants to see the sad kibble toss. “I will always make you feel like the best…” tells me she’s accepted responsibility for how he feels. Oh sure, she’s good kibbles at this moment — but any second her stock could plummet at his displeasure. And. It. Will. Be. All. Her. Fault. He gets a sadz? Dance, motherfucker, dance.
This is what she signed up for. This is what you escaped. You had a peek at the crazy, now close the box.
But Tracy, if everyone kept no contact — you’d have nothing to UBT!
Yes I would. It could feast on Huffington Post clickbait forever.
But, but… jigsaw pieces!
(Sigh) Okay. I’ll fire up the transponders.
We grow older
Does that displease you? I could reverse time. Or plump my lips with pig urine injections.
Whatever it takes.
we grow wiser,
With the sort of sagacity that says, “Yes, date that married man with kids.”
I am wise like Athena. I accessorize with owls. My look says, “I sprung from the head of Zeus.”
people grow apart
When you fuck their husbands.
and people change,
Their Facebook status to “It’s complicated.”
not everyone fits
I had to fuck a few other husbands before I found you.
but you are the piece of my puzzle I was always missing
Because you were in someone else’s box. Or stuck under the carpet. Or eaten by a cat.
The point is, I was incomplete before you. A few puzzle pieces short of a jigsaw. A couple sandwiches shy of a picnic. Several bricks short of a load. A toolbox in need of a tool sharpener.
Now I am whole.
and I adore you inside and out
Those little tufty patches on your back? Love it! The skin tags on your neck? Precious to me! Your winsome spleen? You wouldn’t be you!
and I will continue to show you every day, thank you for making me happy
Tapitty tappity tap. Shuffle, shuffle, slide. Jazz hands!
I will always make you feel like the best, most sexy, amazing version of yourself you can be,
A better version than that guy who left his wife and kids. Let me project SEXY AMAZINGNESS upon you! AND IT SHALL BE! Because Athena. And owls.
happy new year gorgeous, I love you.
Do you love me? Am I special? Gorgeous? Goopy messages on Facebook = relationship legitimacy. Your turn! Where’s my meme, motherfucker?
Nothing to miss here. Back to no contact, young lady. And no more peeking.