When You Piss Off the Unicorns

I’m sure it will come as a surprise to no one to discover that I am not exactly revered in RIC circles.

You’d think given the entire internet to preach the good news that Affairs Make Your Marriage Stronger (Send Me $400 and I’ll Show You How), they’d leave me out of it. But occasionally one of them gets cheeky and tags me in their tweets.

(Which is fine, really. God knows I discuss them too. Generally stuffed down the long chute of the Universal Bullshit Translator.)

Anyway… blog fodder. Amirite?

It began with a thread from Sean, a sad sausage.

I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

Yes, leaf SAD. A blowing autumn leaf, with no compost pile to call home. Or pile to burn in. An unfettered traveler in a strange land. Winter beckons, but he soars on… alone.

Sean was a cheater, but now he blogs to offer “words of encouragement 4 those starting over after betraying their Love, life, & selves.

Okay, Sean. Good on you. I find you a bit goopy, but apparently you’ve grown from the experience.

And because Sean was a dick, he is alone.

 

C = Schmoopie. K was his wife. He thanks Esther Perel and a host of others for helping him understand his FOO issues that led him to being a dick. The kind of guy who demonstrates his remorse to his ex-wife by publicly pining for his former affair partner, but whatever, the point is HE HAS CHANGED.

And I, Chump Lady, have failed to sufficiently appreciate that.

And in case you don’t recognize yourself as the “sub-tribe of betrayeds” that you are — that’s you Bitter Bunnies over here, with your unicorn skepticism and bad attitude.

It’s at this point, I’m tagged.

Look, Unicorns, you’re kind of proving my point. I say that reconciliation with a remorseful cheater who does the work is a VERY long shot. Because the kind of character that allows you to cheat is not the sort of character that chooses humility and hard work. Character can change, absolutely, but that work is long and slow. And chumps are not required to make that investment. (I encourage them not to.) I don’t say remorseful cheaters are unicorns — I say the odds of successful reconciliation with a remorseful cheater who does the work is a unicorn. Something I want to believe it, but is seldom seen. Or entirely mythical.

Sean has NEITHER wife NOR Schmoopie. Ergo he failed at successful reconciliation. He didn’t get the unicorn. One in the CN, column.

Is Sean sorry?

Pining for the affair partner? Doesn’t ooze remorse to me.

Taking offense that people don’t believe him? And some even have the temerity to throw him off their sites? (Rage channel) Aren’t you rocking a better life somewhere? WHO CARES if you’re sorry? Why are you so invested in being misunderstood? Is that a bit victim-y? (Projection)

And Elle of the BetrayedWivesClub — I can’t even snark. The spackle is so thick, it’s just sad.

Of course cheaters are fully human and not Other. You too are projecting. The devaluing, the lack of empathy, the creation of Other, is what a cheater had to do to YOU in order to cheat on you. The sins you see in CN are the sins you fail to acknowledge in your partner.

Fully human people can suck. There is a whole spectrum of human and not all of it needs to be celebrated, or rewarded with your presence.

The message of this blog is appreciate your own humanity. Reject the devaluing, champion self-respect, and never, ever settle for a lopsided relationship.

Good relationships are between equals. Cheater/Chump dynamics are inherently unequal (all the ways are outlined on this blog). But unicorn/human relationships are unequal too. To take back a cheater is to have another kind of unhealthy power imbalance. The ever-so-sorry, bow and scraping Reformed Cheater to the Munificent and All-Forgiving Chump who confers absolution.

Jesus Christ, I’d rather be home with a cat.

Anyway, you guys do you. We’re cool here in our corner. Peace out.

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Beetle
Beetle
5 years ago

A bottomless black pit with no echo.

OpheliasNewLife
OpheliasNewLife
5 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

Yes Beetle! A dark, deep chasm. But this guy is spewing enough crap to fill it. I looked at his Twitter feed. ???? He is some kind of special. If anyone wants a good laugh (don’t look during lunchtime if you are easily nauseated), head to Twitter.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago

I refuse to give him kibbles by following this creep on Twitter. I almost wish you hadn’t written this post, CL, because it feels like we are giving this narcissist a big cake fest.

So now…… how do Chumps feel about abolishing Daylight Savings? I’m all for it!

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
5 years ago

{raises hand} I second the motion. I hatehatehate Daylight Savings time, especially in the spring, when we lose an hour of sleep.

Persephone
Persephone
5 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

I do love extra hour in the autumn though, my favourite day of the year.

almost blue girl
almost blue girl
5 years ago

That “leaf on the wind” line was stolen from kamikaze pilots in WWII (fitting), and adopted/popularized by the character Wash from the sci fi movie Serenity. Wash, it should be noted, was a DEVOTED AND FAITHFUL husband. His entire character was defined by his amazing marriage.

zyx321
zyx321
5 years ago

Yes, my first thought– stolen line from a great character.
I love Firefly.
I was bummed to learn of Joss Whedon’s cheating (the creator).

Mustard Seed
Mustard Seed
4 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Oh, boo, I didn’t know about Joss Whedon. I love Buffy. Boo that makes me sad.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago
Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago

Seriously! How dare you sully the memory of a character who was a good, honest, loyal husband with your self-indulgent whining about how much it sucks that your treating people terribly made them leave you.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Boo-yea. Isnt it just like them … to glom onto someone good to be a succubus of decency.

kiwichump
kiwichump
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“Succubus of decency”, Unicornnomore wins the internet today!

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
5 years ago

Man, I loved “Serenity”/”Firefly.” Thanks for the reminder, ABG :).

torontoChump
torontoChump
4 years ago

I used to enjoy Serenity/Firefly until Joss Whedon turned out to be a huge narc cheater. Ugh.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

so besides being a cheater, sean is also a plagiarizer? Makes a lot of sense.

And I think his dick is the thing that is lost in the wind…

Janna
Janna
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

ClearWaters ….his dick is lost in the wind! ROFL! Now I have to go find a spray cleaner to get the coffee off my computer screen. Thanks for that image. I will use it whenever I think of Narcles the Porn Clown with his yoga camp troll or one of them, doing their 108’s on the beach. Yep….I will.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

What a way to start the day. Even cheaters are not interested in what Seany boy has to say.

The UBT is not groaning and grunting, it’s vomiting.

twiceachump
twiceachump
5 years ago

What’s a fuckwit to do for kibbles with neither chump nor schmoopie? So desperate for kibble. I couldn’t freaking understand the word salad but could tell he was longing for ho….

An attention whore scrambling for image management. Ugh.

I wish him all the happiness he deserves ????

Lettingo
Lettingo
5 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Someone who is pining away for his AP, STILL seeing her as a person he “longs 2bw/” “longs2belong to” (gag) doesn’t get it. There is no remorse there. He is feeling sorry for himself that he can’t be with his twu-luv. Sick. Disgusting. Selfish. Idiot. Fully human. Fully moronic.

katiedidnt
katiedidnt
5 years ago
Reply to  Lettingo

@LettingGo- from what I read skimming his blog, it seems to indicate the AP has gone full-on ‘no contact’ with his sad sausage arse. He just can’t seem to grasp why. He’s spewing a lot of Naugahyde and BS, but you’re correct. NO remorse. That poor baby.

lettingo
lettingo
5 years ago
Reply to  katiedidnt

@katiedidnt He probably launched the blog to “win” her back ;). Yuck.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
4 years ago
Reply to  lettingo

lettingo

Spot on – he absolutely launched this shallow transparent blog to win Schmoopie back (or an unsuspecting victim over.)

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago

Totally to advertise his amazingness to Schmoopie or New Schmoopie, with his phenomenal insight into Life, Love and Self.

(Notice the tragedy of betraying himSELF!! Oh woe!)

Also to advertise his tender, loving heart.

“To apply for sky-painting position on the Shore of My Awesomeness, simply email my very Human and Fallible Penis (which we can get sunburnt together, oh I’m witty and naughty too!)”

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
5 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

“I wish him all the happiness he deserves”…..EXACTLY!

Kath
Kath
5 years ago

Oh Chump Lady, how thee I love you, let me count the ways!

And oh feckless Sean, you just received the clap back smackdown you deserve. Off you fuck, only the superb sub-tribe of the betrayed gather here.

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
5 years ago

Have you all in CN ever come to the conclusion that they’ve all had some kind of collective breakdown when they come out with stuff like this. It’s drivel, just incoherent ramblings. Insane. I suppose having lost it gets more brownie points and sympathy that be an absolute a-****. Hence image management. I would be so embarrassed if I posted something like this. Clearly not my tribe.

Arnold
Arnold
4 years ago

The standard word salad crap. And, you are right, many of these folks are drawn to this type of garbage way of expressing themselves. It is part of the whole ” I am more” evolved” than your standard peasantry, the peasantry that is not above the rule, like me.”
These poor folks are burdened with occupying such a higher plane of existence, no wonder they are forced to cheat and lie to tolerate life.

Cam
Cam
5 years ago

I just read this Sean guy’s Twitter & blog (well, skimmed in 30 seconds to get through it) and promptly vomited. It’s the same self-important histrionics my ex would have written, with the 2nd-grade writing level to match.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago

Maybe some of them are having legitimate breakdowns, but usually it’s just self-indulgent histronics. After all, they can’t be responsible for their actions. They are simply buffeted by the winds of fate, winds which blew them right between the OP’s legs – what’s a person to do? And now, now, that they are suffering consequences? Oh woe! The terrible-ness of it! Clearly nothing has ever been as terrible in the history of terrible as anything bad that could happen to me – ME!

GrandeDameChump
GrandeDameChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Yep, mine spent 2 weeks in bed, in a fetal position after I told him I was leaving. I was like “Really? I thought you’d be thrilled, now you get to have all the men you want over to the house, you don’t have to lie, and sneak around, and meet in hotels at lunch….. of wait, that was part of the thrill wasn’t it?” It absolutely killed him that I didn’t feel sorry FOR HIM, for HIS LOSS. Unbelievable.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
4 years ago

Yeah, how dare there be any sort of consequences for him treating people badly? Not fair!

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago

No breakdown. Consistent entitlement, selfishness and lack of empathy for others. Entitled even to the forgiveness and entitled to have no major or lasting consequences for their fucked-up choices.

Stupidity? Yup. Narcissism? Sure. Breakdown? Nah, they’re functioning JUST FINE, as they always do.

That’s the difference between disordered PERSONALITY and a mental ILLNESS. People who are ill were once functioning well, and will likely function well again. But personality? That doesn’t change.

Chumptastic Chump
Chumptastic Chump
5 years ago

Proud member of the sub-tribe! We honest, kind, and tough as hell!

violet
violet
5 years ago

Just call me a member of the sub-tribe (“othering” us much?) of strong people who aren’t taking that shit!!! These entitled losers (oh, my bad “othering” again) are delusional assholes. Poor Sean, both women had the sense to see him for exactly what he is and he is left to pine away on social media. No, he isn’t a narcissist, not at all.

As my dad used to say, he needs to take a long walk off a short pier. Preferably at sunset by a beautiful beach…

AllChumpedUp
AllChumpedUp
5 years ago

Me too!

Khris
Khris
5 years ago
Reply to  AllChumpedUp

Count me as another proud member of the sub-tribe!

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago

Wait so Elle stopped into CL and was dismissed?

Angela
Angela
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

This response was gold!

GrandeDameChump
GrandeDameChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

No, they do NOT change. My father cheated ( with other men and women) on my mother. he is 80 now, remarried, and isn’t as careful as he should be. I’ve found evidence that he is still cheating ( someone I know who is gay was arranging a hook up with him online, until they saw his picture and realized who he was ). My brother also cheated on his wife with both men and women, is also remarried and continues to cheat. My ex-husband cheated on me for years with men, and was not careful about changing his passwords to gay hookup sites, so I peeked last year. He is cheating on his partner. Unicorns do not exist in my world.

AllChumpedUp
AllChumpedUp
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Funny “Ellie” showed up on HS (RLC on steroids), the writing style is the same. She may be the same person. On that site, she was the “OW” that had been cheated on. And wanted to post. Man, talk about the shitstorm that came from that. I had my suspicions of who she really was…

Beth
Beth
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

I’ve seen posts from someone named Elle here in recent threads. No dismissal that I’m aware of. I think she meant her view that we need to acknowledge the humanity of the cheaters (it makes me gag to write that – she clearly missed the point of CN) was dismissed, not her personally.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I stand corrected. The recent poster I was thinking of is “Ell” not “Elle”. Two different people from what I can see. Sorry Ell!

Chumpful
Chumpful
5 years ago

All this guys’ posts are highly confusing. It was quite a shock to me to read after being chumped numerous times in a 27-year marriage that love is not meant to be confusing.
I am much happier these days to be at home with my cats – very much less confusing.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago

Yeah, ol’ Sean lost me with “I am a leaf on the wind”. Nope, I’m pretty sure the wind you refer to is just the hot air coming out your ass, Sean. You’re not a leaf on the wind, you’re a fart in the air and you stink.

Oh and Elle can go fuck herself with that “sub-tribe of betrayed” nonsense. She gets no sympathy from me for being a spackle queen. We are not a sub-tribe. We are a clan, a nation, a kingdom and a family. And we are mighty.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Agree Beth, we are a nation and a Mighty one at that.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
4 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Hey I loved Wash’s line “Leaf on the wind” line and resented this doofus for stealing it (and of course not attributing it).

But WTF did he mean using it? I don’t get it. I don’t get his whole post and I’m seriously trying to.

Why on earth would you post about your schmoopie WHILE pretending to have remorse for shitty behavior?? Even now, after all his “growth”, he’s still not spotting the real victim.

And it ain’t him and it ain’t schmoopie.

This dashes my hopium based delusion that someday I’ll get an apology from the DOCTOR.

So I guess that’s a good thing.

Egans
Egans
5 years ago
Reply to  Beth

???????????? “ a fart in the wind and you stink”!
I’m so stealing that phrase.

Egans
Egans
5 years ago
Reply to  Egans

???????????? “ a fart in the air and you stink”!
I’m so stealing that phrase.

Diane J. Strickland
Diane J. Strickland
5 years ago
Reply to  Egans

yes. so true, Beth. HA!

Katiedidn’t
Katiedidn’t
5 years ago

Well shred my cabbage and call me coleslaw!

Nothing but word salad. Color me shocked!

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
5 years ago
Reply to  Katiedidn’t

LOL!
Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit!

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
5 years ago

Wow. No real remorse, except that he lost his long walks on the beach with Tru Luv Schmoopie…..

No mention of how he has sought to make amends for all these regrettable, unfortunate “lapses” in character. Because the real problem seems to how bitter and judgmental the betrayed are…..Sound familiar, chumps?

I hope his ex-wife has found her Meh.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

Good God it reminds me of the Limited. Making the OW the end all be all to prop up a sad sausage. What’s interesting to me is the package the OW signed up for when infatuated with an illusion. Yeah, giving up a life to fuck strange has it’s pressures and resentments when the beach is closed for high bacteria levels.

brit
brit
5 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

MehBeSoon,

First, seeing Sean’s photo and reading his sad story makes me happy I’m single.

I’ve never known a Cheater to accept full responsibility.
They all claim to be great guys, the Chump’s fault, The bitterness and judginess of the Chump was probably why they cheated in he first place. The betrayed need to accept responsibility..

I too hope his ex wife has found her Meh.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  brit

He liked being in the “place he loved”…my bet is that K earned some money which allowed CheaterSean to live in a nice place he otherwise 1) wouldnt have been able to afford 2) wouldnt have been able to entice Schmoopie with. How many Cheaters presented an appealing home/promise of good-life to Schmoopie that the Chump was actually paying for?

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago

I wish all the disordered dingbats would just stay in their little cesspool. Elle can do their apologizing and blow smoke up their asses all she wants; when you are done doing that Elle, come sit by us.

And give me a break with this “other” virtue signaling bullshit! Goddam right you disordered asshats are OTHER and deserve discrimination. I refuse to be told it is wrong to discern right from wrong, faithful from cheating.

#specialsadsausage

Quetzal
Quetzal
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

YES!!! This bears highlighting: It is ABUSIVE to suggest people should stop discerning right from wrong! It’s what got us all here in the first place, Elle, because we “didn’t want to judge” !!!! Well, we SHOULD HAVE judged that we deserved better, and much earlier on!

Theory
Theory
5 years ago

Something I’ve noticed about all sorts of aspects of life is that there are always some people who want to really sell you on how great something is, whether it’s themselves, or something they identify with that is important to them. It’s important to them that you understand this greatness, too!

I grew up in a small town where a lot of the older folks would profess about how great of a place this was to live. I remember thinking as a kid, “If this place is as great as all these adults tell me, wouldn’t I be able to just experience it and figure that out for myself?” (I haven’t lived there for over ten years and don’t miss it a bit.)

I don’t think it’s impossible for someone who cheated to eventually grow into a better person (though I do think it’s very unlikely), but it’s certainly not going to come from someone on full display like this about how They’ve Learned and They’re Living A Better Life Now and yada yada. Stop telling me about what a better person you are, and just go live a decent life from this point forward, be a better person to those around you and in your circle, and let it be that.

I tend to find most of the goodness I’ve seen in life in quieter, reserved, unexpected people and places rather than from where all the flashing signs point, the twitter #hashtags trend, and the shitty self-congratulatory parades are thrown.

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
5 years ago
Reply to  Theory

“…it’s certainly not going to come from someone on full display like this…”
Yep! I agree. As CL has pointed out in the past, Cheaters often excel at image management. That’s all this is, image management (and trolling for kibbles).

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago

Whoooooooa Nellie.

His website proclaims: “A Repentance Project” For someone who purports to be writing and speaking from a place of sincere regret and remorse, he spends an awful lot of time, energy and screen real estate lashing out at others in exasperation.

The upshot seems to be: my ex and schmoopie were unduly influenced by “others” when they should have been listening to my words (and ignoring the evidence of my past behavior).

ChumpORamaDamaDingDong
ChumpORamaDamaDingDong
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

He seems to be oh so surprised at um…consequences for what he’s done to other people.

Now he’s just a bitter bunny spewing hate on the internet since he’s sans schmoop and san chump

Doingme
Doingme
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Oh, how they want to cling to that narrative regardless of having the OW/OM.

If only the chump knew their place in the disordereds life. And when we no longer fit that role we become the other. Damn, five years out I’m blamed for the lifestyle he never obtained.

It’s really about sitting and bathing in their own shit. It’s stinky.

Cam
Cam
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

“A Repentance Project” For someone who purports to be writing and speaking from a place of sincere regret and remorse, he spends an awful lot of time, energy and screen real estate lashing out at others in exasperation.

No mention of therapy, his ex’s feelings, or trying to make it up to her with a generous post-nup, alimony, a fair split on the house, etc.

I mean, I’m guessing. I gave up trying to skim his verbal diarrhea after about 30 seconds, but I saw little to no mention of his ex or whether he tried to make their split easier on her.

Let’s be honest, he almost certainly didn’t. Fifty bucks says he fought her for every stick of furniture and tried to sabotage divorce proceedings every step of the way.

True repentance would require selflessness, remorse, and putting his money where his mouth is. (Quite literally, via his wallet.)

Much easier to start a free blog about how sorry you feel for yourself and call it repentance, even though it requires no effort and no real amends to your ex. Sounds like about the same amount of effort he put into his marriage, frankly.

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  Cam

If you know any combination of his and her first and last names you can google his divorce court record via the Wisconsin Court Access System. That’ll tell you how repentant he is.

When I saw Wisconsin, the lakefront and silver hair I thought OMG that’s my sociopath ex husband with a new angle. But alas, just another aging disordered asshole blaming others for the consequences of his shitty behavior. Sigh.

JWH
JWH
4 years ago
Reply to  Geode

C sought a restraining order.

Cam
Cam
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

These people are a dime a dozen, aren’t they? I think they spawn on locker room floors.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Spot the F on, UX!

AllChumpedUp
AllChumpedUp
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

My ex used to tell me, “You judge me by my actions!” Well, no shit, that’s what normal people do. Glad to know that he lost them both, and will probably be alone for the rest of his life after posting all his business for the world to see. The Narcs need to stop vying for attention that no one will give them any longer. This guy is really character disordered on top of everything else. They only attack CN because they are a war with the truth.

Amnda
Amnda
5 years ago

This is perfect timing on the heels of yesterday’s post about where are all the single good men. As I’m entering the dating world (or at least trying to) this is a glaring view of the kind of men I want to avoid at all costs. Oh, but they make such an effort to appear humble, introspective, genuine and self actualized….”when we were married she deserved better” ….but I sure kept her dancing, didn’t I. I am THOR!

RUN Forrest! RUN!!
Thank you, NEXT.

Chump lady- thank you for saving my sanity, and quite possibly my life.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  Amnda

Yes…what I meant to include in yesterdays post was something akin to my recent adulting lesson to my daughter who is now in the adult dating world. I encouraged her to listen to what men said about their exes…for us older folks, ALL of them will tell you it was the spouses fault and 80% of them are lying. How can you discern one from another?

In my case I watched newhusband carefully and could see that his version was true. He did not disparage his first spouse, he ALWAYS found time for his child (even when it was a serious hardship), he prioritized his childsupport payments WAY over any activity or trip we considered, he sent me copies of his annulment decree.

thingsthatmakemegrumpy
thingsthatmakemegrumpy
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

@unicornomore, “I encouraged her to listen to what men said about their exes…for us older folks, ALL of them will tell you it was the spouses fault and 80% of them are lying. How can you discern one from another?”
Where does that leave us chumps? I was a good, faithful, loving husband. I wasn’t perfect, but I gave it my all. She was a cheater who destroyed our finances and neglected the children. She wasn’t all bad, but she was bad in ways that were very important. If I ever enter the dating pool again and someone presses for details, what do I say? It really is all her fault that we are divorcing. I have a feeling I will be looked at with suspicion. It might be better to just remain single.

JWH
JWH
5 years ago

You tell them, when asked, that she had an affair behind your back and that it gutted you.

The ones who don’t instantly ask what role you played in “making her” cheat aren’t immediately consigned to the “nope” pile.

thingsthatmakemegrumpy
thingsthatmakemegrumpy
5 years ago
Reply to  JWH

That works.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago
Reply to  Amnda

Yeah, I was told by my X Asshat that he didn’t deserve me as he abandoned me to go crawl into the bed of a chick our daughter’s age.

He was right, he doesn’t deserve me.

Being aware that you are a pile of dog shit and doing nothing to change it is a cognitive dissonance I couldn’t live with.

Shelly
Shelly
5 years ago

I love being here with my fellow chumps. It gets my ‘mind right’ before facing the day. (I think ‘get your mind right’ is a line from
Cool Hand Luke.) In the movie, it means Become Subservient to the prison authorities. I think if it as the opposite-stand strong in your independent thought and inherent knowledge that cheaters rarely, if ever, feel remorse.

NotAfraid
NotAfraid
5 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

^^This^^ Reading CL each morning is like putting on Mightiness Armor. Even though I still often feel puny underneath it, it’s both protection and something to aspire to.

KH73
KH73
5 years ago

This is a brilliant response to that dude’s pity narrative. They really take their nask off when they are looking for kibbles from the CN.

Meow Mix
Meow Mix
5 years ago

He needs to return to elementary school. I think he was sleeping through Aesop’s Fables.

The boy who cried wolf.
-man told a lot of lies to both women, lost his honor with both, and now he cries over it.
The truth is that a relationship with either woman is next to impossible. Trust is so blow. He needs to chill, fix himself and volunteer somewhere. He’s too wrapped up in HIM.

A master and his dogs.
Can’t trust a man who hurts his own family.

The tortoise and the eagle.
If men had all they wished, they would be ruined.

The flies and the honeypot.
Pleasure bought with pain, hurts

The Labrador and the snake
No one truly forgets injuries in the presence of him who caused the injury.

The sick stag
Evil friends hurt more than help

And my fifth grade teacher who caught us cheating on long division
‘He who cheats, cheats himself the most.’

He was very happy when he was cheating, so much that he still wants that thrill of false, forbidden lust. I don’t pity him. He’s stuck in the past.

AllChumpedUp
AllChumpedUp
5 years ago
Reply to  Meow Mix

I love this, I’m going to share this with my kids.

Lady B
Lady B
5 years ago

Oh geez, how timely my Sean has been trying to come back for about a year and a half now. Reckons he ‘is not that person anymore’ I tell him he must be some kind of mythical unicorn. As part of his relentless love bombing he gave me a unicorn head plant holder with a succulent in it. I kept it for a while then through it in the bin and resumed the joy that is LC.
Time will tell if he is a unicorn but I won’t be hanging around for that. I trust the good Dr Phil ‘past behaviour is the best indictator of future behaviour’
Oh and Sean’s word salad rubbish just sounds like my ex, their minds are like the sideshow mirrors at the circus.

Meow Mix
Meow Mix
5 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Bohemian Rhapsody, the scene when Mercury comes back to the band. He says simply, “what can I do to make it right?” No blameshifting. Then he gives equal money and equal credit rights to the songs. No extra kibbles for him. Then he acknowledges that the other band member’s critical thinking made the group’s songs best. Respect for others contributions.

I think that’s a good indicator of a unicorn. A unicorn in Freddie Mercury.

katiedidnt
katiedidnt
5 years ago
Reply to  Meow Mix

@MeowMix- I think Freddie might have been the last true unicorn. He made a lot of bad decisions but made most of his mistakes as right as he could in the end, with humility and respect. <3

J.
J.
5 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Hahaha! A unicorn succulent holder??? These guys are just jokes. Sean doesn’t seem to realize what a goopy (great word), repulsive joke he comes across as. I was wondering if he found a copy of Tracy’s book on K’s night stand…hopefully before she kicked him out. I hope she is laughing at him like we are all laughing about a unicorn pot.

Lady B
Lady B
5 years ago
Reply to  J.

Damn wished I had taken a photo of it, was very cute. I once mentioned a site I read for help, this one and he said, oh it must be full of bitter women???????? (what I wanted to do to his head)
He is a complete dumbass and I see now how completely he invalidated any thought, theory or feeling I ever had, 14 years of fuckery.
I learnt a new term today, its called ‘reactive abuse’ that’s what I served back to prevent my life being tanked by a Narc.

Martha
Martha
5 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Lady B, I was so happy to learn about “reactive abuse” too. I never once hit or swore at my ex-husband our entire marriage. The only spanking I did to my kids was spanking my sons hand a few times and my daughter had no spankings as I felt so bad for hurting my sons hand. I’m not a physically abusive person at all.

But six months after D-day, I “lost it” on Easter Sunday. My ex wouldn’t leave our house even though he wanted a divorce. The stress of living with him was slowly killing me and my heart was so broken, I just wanted to die. Easter Sunday I got yelled at at church by my ex-MIL. She said horrible things to me that she later said, “I never said that.” Now I know where her son learned how to gaslight. Long story short, my ex came home from his parents and we got into a big fight. We had never fought like this before. He then said to me, “Hit me, hit me” while pointing at his cheek. And I hit him right in the lip. Maybe twice, but I don’t remember. It was like a floodgate got opened and once opened, I couldn’t close it. I had never been so angry in my life! We then had a few more instances like that. I couldn’t believe this was me, because I had never been like that my entire life. I felt so bad and even apologized to my ex for hitting him. I didn’t know why I was acting like this. This was not me, but I was being abusive.

It was a huge relief to read about reactive abuse. He had been emotionally and psychologically abusing me since the beginning of our relationship and marriage. The lies, cheating, gaslighting, etc built-up over the years, but I didn’t realize it was building inside of me. And one day I just snapped and started to let out with swear words and facts all he had done to me. The gate was open and it would never close again on my ex.

My ex is a pathological liar, so I have no doubt in my mind that he’s told anyone that would listen, that I was like this our entire marriage. He’s told so many lies about me and our marriage, so it wouldn’t surprise me a bit that this was one of his many lies. I’m no longer like this. The rage and anger are 100% gone. I channeled the anger fuel into packing up my belongings and moving out on him.

I have mentioned this before at CN, but I sometimes think of Tiger Woods ex-wife who went after him with a golf club. I’m sure that incident was out of character for her too, but on that night she “lost it” with her serial cheater. No one understands something like this unless it happened to them too.

Chumpoftwo
Chumpoftwo
5 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Same here. 2 months after my ex abondoned us to go live with howorker, who is just a ‘friend’, I snapped when he turned up late to pick the baby up despite agreeing to have him an hour earlier (he would try to control me by only having the baby 3-4 hours at a time so I had no free time). He made some stupid excuse and i snapped, grabbed the unbrella and kept hitting him till he got out the house, then followed him into the street and had a full breakdown at him. he sat in his car calmly calling the police and i only came to my senses when I saw how distressed my son was in the car.

He made sure I was issued with the highest caution they could give as I admitted to assulting him when the police arrived. I had to be interviewed, have my dna, fingerprints and photo put on record in the cells and attend a domestic abuse course. FYI the only damage i did was a bruise on his arm and a couple small dent on the car (he tried to claim it would write off the car!!!)

i know now i would never do such a thing again. he tried to goad me a month after the incidend and i stood my ground and said i would call the police if he doestn leave as he was harrasing me.

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha, that’s me exactly. I have always been so laid back I could fall over … until after so many years of living with a fuckwit and I snapped. He used to get right in my face screaming and frothing his spittle all over me. Eventually that turned to punching too, but just the in-your-face screaming pushed me over the edge and I started screaming back. And the language! I had no need to swear, it just wasn’t in my nature. I do now – and guess why – although I have tried to rein it way back in because I don’t like it. It’s amazing what constant abuse can turn you into isn’t it!

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Meditation for March 28, 2019:
Just for today I won’t be a leaf blowing in the wind. I will be the mighty oak that shed it. I will sustain my deeply planted roots through the Autumn, and the cold of winter. I will celebrate the coming of Spring. I will put forth all my energy and regenerate new leaves. I will live and grow. Just for today I am the tree and not the leaf!
Love you CN.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago

That “I’m a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.” Bit, is EXACTLY the sentiment that is on the Facebook page of the cheating ex wife of a guy I dated. I thought it was stupid.WTF does it even mean?

Cam
Cam
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

It’s the narcissist’s attempt to sound smarter and more important than they really are.

They don’t understand empathy and don’t use language to form connections with people. Instead, they use language to impress and bludgeon. To look flowery without any substance. To say something pretty with no meaning behind it.

So they don’t understand how to write anything authentic or meaningful, which is why they sound so tone deaf and ridiculous, and why they’re angry when their victims call them on their lies. Because in the narcissist’s mind, they can even rewrite the very meaning of language.

Martha
Martha
5 years ago
Reply to  Cam

“They don’t understand empathy and don’t use language to form connections with people. Instead, they use language to impress and bludgeon. To look flowery without any substance. To say something pretty with no meaning behind it.”

My ex considers himself a master of the written word and bragged often about co-ho-workers coming to him to proofread their letters, etc.

About ten years ago he was asked to write a piece about his life after graduation from his universities honors program. It was a total fluff piece with flowery language and his attempt at wit. Not one mention of his beautiful, faithful, dedicated and hard-working wife of 13 years or his two amazing children. It was all about the romanticized version of himself and his job. His family wasn’t even on his radar when he wrote. His wife who held everything up at home while he worked six days a week from morning until bedtime, minus his time spent with the fam at dinner. I remember reading the piece before he handed it in to get published and was hurt that we weren’t mentioned, but I didn’t say anything because he would have probably said, “I can’t do anything right!” Now I know all of this was a part of his game of grooming his harem. He could never let on that he had a great wife and family. It wouldn’t go with the stories he was telling behind my back to his “healthy female friends”. He once changed his profile picture on Facebook to a beautiful picture of the two of us on vacation. The picture was up for one day and then he changed it back to the one of just him and our son. That hurt too and I didn’t say anything, because I’d be told I was overreacting or some other crap to justify his actions. Now I know a lot of his harem were his friends on Facebook and his whore du jour that he left me for was also his “friend” on Facebook. He was a faithful, loving husband actor at home and a totally different person when he walked out the door. He needed to make sure what he was putting out their for the public to see matched up with what he was saying behind my back.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

WTF. Leaves don’t soar.

They are dried up, used up vestiges of the past, flopping around wherever the world decides to deposit them, briefly and temporarily. Eventually they become a gooey mess behind the trash bins, getting moldy and getting eaten by worms and slugs, and eventually their smelly mess is gathered up in an indistinct mass and composted, forgotten.

At least leaf compost can help other things grow, so maybe the metaphor of learning from the nonsense these “leaves” spew is their fertilizer to help us see the for who they are. We grow.

Soar. Delusional.

royh
royh
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

I kind of think he saw American Beauty. There is a scene where Ricky Fitts says that the most beautiful thing he ever saw was a plastic bag being blown around by the wind. It seemed like the bag was asking him to dance with it. He imagined it meant that there was some benevolent force guiding everything and that there was nothing to be afraid of ever. My thoughts? Sometimes a wind-blown piece of garbage is just a wind-blown piece of garbage.

A leaf in the wind? Useless organic matter shed after it has outlived its usefulness.

Also, I hate the way Sean writes.

Lady B
Lady B
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Mine had a line he pulled on me and the OW to make him sound well read and wistful. Some bullshit poem about meeting where the ocean meets sky and the river meets,, something and some crap about looking at the same stars.
Assholes.
People without souls can only imitate no create.

Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump (uk edition)
Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump (uk edition)
5 years ago

Sean: human; fallible; easily sunburnt; massive twat

I bet his wife spent most of the marriage in a mental fog with that wally twittering his drivel in her ear.

Cam
Cam
5 years ago

Everything Sean writes makes me happier and happier for his ex-wife that she’s out of that mess. I hope she’s far away by now.

Lady B
Lady B
5 years ago

Oh god your comment made me laugh tonight.
????

AllChumpedUp
AllChumpedUp
5 years ago

I love how these people play the victim. I will always remember C with that picture? What about the wife he betrayed, hurt, and now further humiliated THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA… They have a habit of trying to sound noble. The Ex had the nerve to say on one of his social media pages: you are the hero in one person’s story, and the villain in another. I shit you not. They see themselves as characters in some romantic tragedy. Yes, for them: the unicorn is real, it just won’t cooperate.

JWH
JWH
4 years ago
Reply to  AllChumpedUp

Cheaters value non-cheaters. All their bleating about being “devalued by” and regarded as “others” simply underscores that being noticed, important to, respected by and even wanted by honorable people is STILL more valuable to them than getting it from other cheaters. It’s the difference between real gold and fool’s gold.

The more they go fuck off and quit tormenting those they have betrayed, the better. Go forth. Start fresh. Don’t be a lying, cheating asswipe. Pay whatever you are told to pay. Be generous to the betrayed spouse in negotiations instead of underscoring what a greedy, selfish, entitled fuckwit you have been for so long. Make it a habit not to be a vile person.

Meow Mix
Meow Mix
5 years ago
Reply to  AllChumpedUp

They aren’t real persons and take on the personasn of fictional characters.

expatChump
expatChump
5 years ago

Ah, yes. Elle and the Betrayed Wives Club. That was the first blog I found after dday 5 years ago. The spackle was definitely strong with that.

brit
brit
5 years ago

Poor Sean, he only wants understanding, he said he’s sorry.
Not his fault, he had FOO issues, what’s the world coming to?
Where’s your compassion???

Sounds to me like Sad Sean is horny and he’d take anyone.

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago

Sean Cms 2me2B sum1 hu purposlE complic8s his commUniKtion 2 cuvr up the bllsht Bneath.

Chtrs off10 du.

kb
kb
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

ROFL!

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
5 years ago
Reply to  kb

I had to read it out loud to get it, UXworld. So true and so funny.

Trudy
Trudy
5 years ago

What goes around comes around. Not a drop of sad for his wife. I think these dudes pick up lines of poetry to impress chicks with their intellectuality. He really has no idea what that line means. Most cheaters just don’t have a clue.

Cam
Cam
5 years ago
Reply to  Trudy

Judging from his profile photo, the poetry’s his only hope.

JWH
JWH
4 years ago
Reply to  Cam

I looked at his photo and no, it’s not going to save him from his word coleslaw.

brit
brit
5 years ago
Reply to  Trudy

Trudy, I’m sure they do pick up lines from poetry they’ve read somewhere or hear in a movie then use them to impress chicks. When my ex left he began posting sappy lines from poets and philosophers on his fb.
All the years I’d known Cheater he laughed at poetry, especially love poems. Cheater, like Sean had no idea what the poetry lines he posted meant. All he knew is it it made him appear to be an intelligent, introspective, sensitive guy and girls fell for it. I can imagine my Cheater pretending to cry as he recited lines of poetry for the added attention.
More evidence to support the fact that I never knew who I was married to.

Meow Mix
Meow Mix
5 years ago
Reply to  brit

Remember, cheaters have no imagination. They use the same lines, lies, patterns on many. Even go to the same places.

pecan
pecan
5 years ago

Is it me, or does “empathy, clemency and understanding” really mean “agreeing not to enact consequence”?

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
5 years ago
Reply to  pecan

Oh, exactly!

Jen Grice
Jen Grice
5 years ago

I often get drug into that crap too!

The House Is Mine
The House Is Mine
5 years ago

“Of course cheaters are fully human and not Other. You too are projecting. The devaluing, the lack of empathy, the creation of Other, is what a cheater had to do to YOU in order to cheat on you. The sins you see in CN are the sins you fail to acknowledge in your partner.”

This is brilliant. Oh how my “spiritual” Switzerland “friends” loved to point out how I was “othering” my abuser (Who is such a fantastic person!????).
This is really nothing other than pure gaslighting. Abuse piled on top of abuse.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago

Who was confronting the cheaters for treating us as others?
I am sure that my Cheater did not even remember that I was a person.
I was a useful means to an end.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Was I a person? No. I was an APPLIANCE who did all the adult stuff in our marriage while he planned elaborate hookups with the OW, with women from Craigslist, with hookers.

Dd61999
Dd61999
5 years ago

Does Sean know you made him famous?!?!?

I would love for him to come on hear and read these comment so he knows that his personal actions raped someone’s soul. Even some RIC guys like Dr. William Harley states that affairs causes more trauma/ptsd then some of his rape victims.

Langele
Langele
4 years ago
Reply to  Dd61999

Sean?
This twad has a name?
I thought it was random generic cheater postings taken from the same cheater play book.

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
5 years ago
Reply to  Dd61999

Exactly !! Has anyone ever wondered why that in just about every society for the entirety of human history (except for the last 200 years) Adultery was punishable by DEATH ?

Maybe all of our ancestors realized the absolute carnage that cheating and the destruction of families can cause. The destruction of the family in the last 60 years is the cause of 80% of our societal problems.
In my case and most of yours, one very selfish immoral person utterly decimated our families.
Sure, eventually scars heal but they never go away and the damage done is often permanant.

Losers like Sean who put on his victim hat and boohoos with psychobabble can piss off ! He’s just mad that he got caught and did not pass Go or collect $200.

Jojobee
Jojobee
5 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

YES! THIS!^^^^^^^

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

What, the good ole days 60 years ago? It wasn’t until 1973 that people across the US could divorce without fault, (proving adultery, cruelty or desertion). At the same time laws limiting women’s financial capabilities were in place. And these laws meant many women were trapped in domestic violence or with an adulterer, with no way to get away. Back then men cheated and it was winked at (President Kennedy, prime example), women who cheated were shamed and vilified, plenty of them were sent to jail for adultery. Men were not shamed for adultery, only women. Not such good days. No thanks, don’t want to go back to that.

Dd61999
Dd61999
5 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Today isn’t perfect either. Women now have incentives to divorce their husbands for any reasons and often do, since women file the majority of all divorces in the U.S. by a large margins. With the state forcing husbands to pay large payouts.

That’s why many men refuse to get married. Plus there are growing movements like Red Pill and MGTOW. Don’t get me wrong I’m not part of them. But I would definitely require a prenuptial agreement for the next marriage. Surprisingly most women I talk to are ok with it. The ones who aren’t are normally looking for a wallet to suck.

Jasmine
Jasmine
4 years ago
Reply to  Dd61999

Actually my ex who was the one who cheated …gaslit and generally was an asshole was the one who jimmied about and took more than was rightfully his….he then proceeded to lie and cheat again to avoid child support all the while being allowed to get away with such behavior….i think its more the person who plays dirty gets the advantage in most cases ….i dislike no fault laws ….i think if they cheat…..they should leave and have a set amount ….not 50 % ….they already are way ahead of us from cheating and abusing us chumps financially

ChumpORamaDamaDingDong
ChumpORamaDamaDingDong
4 years ago
Reply to  Dd61999

Your experience probably relates to the type of clients who can afford you.

You’re talking about the men as the main breadwinner with lucrative careers and she was a sahm.

I know far more women with lucrative careers as well as those with low to average income working lower paid positions. Far too many where she works and he doesn’t, due to drugs or whatever. These people aren’t getting huge settlements and alimony. These people are more the norm than the wealthy.

ChumpORamaDamaDingDong
ChumpORamaDamaDingDong
4 years ago
Reply to  Dd61999

A lot of women file because her husband can’t be bothered to do it. It takes effort and it’s not fun so let the chump do it.

They are all too happy to cake eat as long as the chump puts up with it.

Sunrise
Sunrise
4 years ago
Reply to  Dd61999

That’s just not true. Where do you live? I didn’t get a big payout in my divorce. Neither did my mother 40 years ago or two female friends in their divorces. Your statement is overly simplistic.

Many women file because their men don’t want to give up cake and drag their feet. My ex was texting and calling his ho-worker from our home, kids soccer games, or the car while I drove. When I was led to believe we were “working on our marriage”. Or women do so to prevent their husbands from dissipating/hiding assets in the months leading up to the inevitable. Especially if they’re stay at home moms (me again).

I gave up a great career at age 31 to be at home raising my kids for 10 years. I got 55% of the marital assets (except the house) to his 45% because I would never be able to get my career back to where it would’ve been had I not provided HIM the service of caring for HIS children, unpaid, during my prime career growth years. But I had to accept a full 50% of the debt. So nope. No big payout.

You’re making a big assumption that the first to file comes out with a larger share. That’s just not the case and your claim does more harm to people here than good. But like you, my ex sure thinks he got a bum deal. He also has tried to get out of paying child support 3 times. Thank god for garnishment!

Sunrise
Sunrise
4 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

You’d convince me if I’d ever met any woman who actually experienced what you’re describing. Maybe it’s a local thing.

Cheaters clearly aren’t serious about commitment. Just pretending they are.

Dd61999
Dd61999
4 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

I work for the largest legal company in the United States. Infidelity plays a smaller part in divorce. Most woman divorce because they no longer feel connected to their husbands. They feel life is better outside their marriage and have girlfriends encouraging them to do so. Most women who walk into the lawyers office, their eyes light up when they find out they are entitled to 25-35% of their husbands GROSS income before taxes in child support alone, often past 18 years old if the child is in college. There is often an additional double digit income in maitnence/alimony that can last as long as half the years you were married or longer. Plus any continuing education expenses to help the ex wife assimilate back into the working world. Once again from GROSS income. These are facts. No fault marriage laws has increased the problem as you can see in the number of growing divorces in the past few decades. To deny this is false. I help get new clients by marketing these benefits to those who are interested in getting a divorce. What’s worse, with no fault marriage laws. Cheaters can get these benefits since infidelity no longer denies them these benefits.

I didn’t get a raw deal. I have full custody of the kids, the house, and without a single penny of support from my ex. But I have compassion for good men who want to stay married. But their wives ripped their families apart and make them pay for it in the process

It’s time everyone to take marriage more seriously and writes their own marriage contracts (prenuptials) if they are serious about living in a committed marriage for life

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
5 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Don’t get me wrong, I fully know how things were in history and the abuses.
My main point was that most societies around the World have always realized how destructive cheating and Adultery are.

In all of our lifetimes though, socially there have been wonderful things like womens, minority and gay rights. However the destruction of the nuclear family due to cheating and divorce has led to many of the social problems that we have today. That is another discussion for another day.

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Not to get off on a tangent, LG, but . . . I think you’re waxing a bit too poetic about “the good old days” when adultery was supposedly more forcefully shunned. I would argue that for most of human history, adultery was not only tolerated but expected.

The only ones who would have been put to death for it would have been those of the extremely lower classes who ran afoul of the established religious dogma (particularly the women). Think of the British aristocracy of the early and middle ages — not too much suppression of adultery in the name of happy families there. Expand that out to all of the other empires and kingdoms the world has seen.

The breakup of the family is a societal problem. Adultery is one potential cause of that problem. But the havoc they wreak did not suddenly tart becoming a problem 60 yeas ago. .

logo65
logo65
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I always think of Henry the 8th, who beheaded two women on trumped up charges of adultery, but was a serial cheater with overlapping relationships and that was A-ok.

Good old days only seemed to realate to the wife appliance.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Women being stoned to death or forced to wear a scarlet letter comes to mind.

Jojobee
Jojobee
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

No it didn’t just start 60 years ago, but doesn’t it seem like it has been on meth and steroids since about then? And yes certain social classes have always gotten away with more, because having money and power is like that–you get away with more in every realm. But yet, my grandmother’s generation were allowed to more actively ostracize and denounce cheating/cheaters without getting publicly shamed and lectured on forgiveness. I know this because I actively heard her and a large group of ladies at their “garden club” one time. The members were not all close friends, there were about 40 women there. I was helping serve lunch. One woman said something very disparaging about a couple who cheated and the man’s family broke up over it. She went on at some length. Many nodded their heads and assented it was horrible behavior. NOT one of the other women (some of whom did not particularly even like this member) said anything about how she or the man’s wife should forgive. Not one said a thing about how the cheaters were really “nice people” or “so in love.” Not one said “you never know what the other person (betrayed spouse) was like at home.” Not one said “Well he must have had needs she wasn’t filling.” It seemed to be pretty universally acknowledged that cheating was shitty and betrayed people were the actual victims– not the cause.

I do think there was a shift in our culture that basically seemed to say there are no bad people. There is a general shift that the only behavior people seem to think is bad in our culture is actually judging a behavior as bad. I am so tired of hearing that no one ever has any right to judge any behavior as “wrong,” even when they are the person who has been grievously wronged! During my lifespan as an adult this has pretty much been elevated to near sacred cow.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee
UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

No argument on that specific point, @Jojobee — our culture (modern US, can’t say it applies in all countries and classes) has become more forgiving/inclusive, and in so many instances (more LGTQ acceptance, whatever racial harmony we’ve achieved, etc.) that’s a good thing.

As often happens, the mechanics that enabled good strides made on behalf of unfairly marginalized groups become co-opted by individuals who exhibit shitty life skills and behavior: “I’m human and a victim, include me too!!”

Sunrise
Sunrise
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

No fault divorce.

She Won't Even Notice!
She Won't Even Notice!
5 years ago

That was hard to read.

Sean is 3edgy5me. He writes leik a kewl 1337 haxx0r from 2006.

How many emojis did he have to delete from his rant to fit the character limit?

HM
HM
5 years ago

Never respond to baseless accusations, it lends them a level of validity that they don’t deserve. Let them hate. They are not living their best lives if they are on a website whining about you or whining about having lost BOTH of their loves. Let natural consequences teach them.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
5 years ago

His messages are so full of text-speak and overblown metaphors, I could barely read it. I eventually gave up. He sounds like a 14-year old girl.

NoRainNoFlowers
NoRainNoFlowers
5 years ago

I think it’s so wonderful you are tagged even if it was meant to insult your message for the chump nation. People will hit the link and read stuff here and while you’ll still have haters, good people will have more ways to stumble into sanity. It would probably be a good idea for more chumps to take to the RIC sites and post links, drive readership and activate a chump warrior network. Link Chump Lady on Divorce Law blogs, F&M Counseling sites, Amazon Book reviews on saving your marriage, Comment sections on bullshit cheater articles on Huffington, Pin articles on Pinterest… use any and all available channels and blitz the link. “Here we stand as a community of support- come join us! Chumplady.com” Copy and paste!

Deee
Deee
5 years ago

I told my family counsellor about chump lady — she didn’t know about it (but she wrote it down). She did, however, send me a link to Esther Perel in the early days (so I told her that Esther seems to romanticize cheating), I do, overall, like this counsellor. She really tries to get me to focus on me. It was interesting as at our first session (as I was bawling and still wanting to save my marriage) she told me that often middle aged men (especially those with FOO issues – his Mom is a cold fish and Dad was pretty absent) have set up this scenario where you did not meet some emotional need (usually not expressed) and they see this as betrayal and then turn on you. She said he will most likely not be able to ever accept responsibility for what he did or be emotionally available (I like to think of it as the black hole within his soul).

BSOD_Chumped
BSOD_Chumped
5 years ago

Sean reminds me of the type of person that morally equivocates every he does but when something is done to him, it is obviously wrong. The two entries I have read show me that he has learned nothing and is happily spending all of his rather copious amounts of time justifying what he feels.

This is an excellent example of someone NO ONE should every get involved with in any way. He takes no responsibility, does no real heavy lifting for growth (but pretends to have an open mind, but is defensive in a heartbeat) and is pretty good at making himself feel good with quotes from others. This is a person that will do this again to others happily.

He is also an excellent example of someone who can blow a lot of smoke and I bet some would find this attractive, but the actions of a man make more than the Suit or the Word. From what I have read so far, his words are plentiful but mean nothing and he is far more interested in justifying himself than anything else. Esther can have this one, he is of her “mature” elk. I’ll happily stay over here, keeping my commitments,finding right and wrong in life, following through on my word and trying to be the person of character I want to be.

Let pigs eat his word salad, it smells rancid anyway.

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
5 years ago
Reply to  BSOD_Chumped

“keeping my commitments,finding right and wrong in life, following through on my word and trying to be the person of character I want to be.” Sounds like you are not just “trying” but are in fact a person of the character you want to be. : )

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago
Reply to  BSOD_Chumped

On D-Day, I threw a beer bottle at his truck as he was pulling into the driveway. Later, I found out he was angry with me! It’s not look at what I did but look how she reacted.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
5 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

MissBailey, My now X did that as well. Served me with divorce papers the day before my birthday as I was leaving for a trip abroad. I had just handed him a waiver of service a few minutes before the process server rang my door bell. I screamed obscenities at then H and threw the 2 pages of the summons at him (un-crumpled).

He filed a restraining order on me and used that as an example of my abuse.

Funny thing, until he had me served on that date, I had no idea that he was cheating. As soon as I was served, it all made sense. In my screaming rant, I told him to go back to his whore. (He ended up engaged to her a year later).

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago

Hmmmmm, I think I get to chose who I want in my life or not, who I want to listen to or not. And that’s not some kind of discrimination (as implied by the ‘Othering’ comment), nor closed-mindedness. Discrimination and ‘othering’ are about judging people by their group membership, or without hearing or knowing their own story. It’s about considering them ‘less’, for no good reason.

I totally validate Sean’s right to have ALLLLLL his feels, and all his thoughts and beliefs, all of it! I fully acknowledge that he is fully human. Humanity is amazingly diverse! I acknowledge his right to his own perceptions, his own values.

I just prefer to be very far from people like this, while they are being themselves.

I don’t think of this as bitterness, but rather as wise self-protection. I encourage others to also judge others by their actions, and to protect themselves when that would be wise.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I am perfectly okay with parceling people into an “Other” category. In fact, I think it is evolutionarily programmed into us to specify an Ingroup vs. an Outgroup. If chumps want to band together (Ingroup) and look down upon the Outgroup (cheaters), cheaters have no one but themselves to blame–after all, all cheaters were originally part of our Ingroup (family unit).

As for Sean’s pity party, dictators throughout history have typically thought of themselves as “good people,” despite acts of genocide and committing unspeakable atrocities. While cheaters may not rise to the level of Idi Amin, the calculus of the good they do on earth vs. their victimization of other people (including their own children) tips them into my “Asshole,” category.

Don’t like being characterized as a bad person? Don’t do bad things. It really is that simple.

OCchump
OCchump
5 years ago

Wow! This guy is the saddest of all disordered sausages.

No more X-Wife or Schmoopie? How convenient for him. I promise you he uses this kibble dispenser he calls a blog to reel in women and get laid and I guarantee you it works.

What an asshole.

MissBailey
MissBailey
5 years ago

I love Sirius Black. “We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we chose to act on. That’s who we really are.”

Sorry, Sean, you are a cheater with little to no regard for other people. That’s who you are. That’s who the Dickhead is.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
5 years ago

I wonder if Sean B. Manchild ever thought ONCE about how it felt to be on the other end of this:

“I created an emotionally abusive Pattern come here/go away. I’d make committments, break them, feel bad, make new commitments, break them. I’d b kind/thoughtful & then a dick…”

Ah, the mindfucking vacillations of the Nice-Guy-Cheater! I’m glad she left him for good.

Also? I am cracking up over the noun they invented for us, “betrayeds.” Oh, so melodramatic! I prefer Chump. Or better yet, FORMER Chump!

Love to all my homies at Chump Nation!

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago

CleoFC – It’s funny how when I read what you quoted from this guy, all I can think of is “Yada, yada, yada…When do you get to the part when you actually explain what you are doing about this? You know you do this, so what are you going to do about that?…Nothing?”

Click.

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Oh no, apparently he’s in therapy hearing all the RIC points about how he’s simply a flawed human who made a mistake, that his behavior is a product of his past and not necessarily his to own, etc.

He’s also managing a witty blog and twitter feed so that the world may understand his unique species of special.

Hmmmm, are these not productive uses of his time?

Jax
Jax
5 years ago

See if I get this right – sugarclit dumped Sean AFTER he dumped his chump?
AHAHAHA AHAHAHA! I can’t stop laughing!!!! And now HE’S ‘melancholy man’ ? Unbelievable!

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago

Acknowledging the humanity of the cheater (or abuser, whatever)? What exactly is the point being made by people who claim that’s what we ought to be doing? Why would anyone dare to dictate that we ought to be more sympathetic to our cheaters? Umm…why do we need to extend compassion to someone who clearly devalued us and often continues to do so? That’s not even safe.

So, here’s the thing. My father was a very abusive man growing up. He is an alcoholic and he used to beat on my mother. I spent time in two different women’s shelters before the age of 10. After my mother dared to leave my father and return to the safety and protection of her family to keep my brother and I safe, my father raged and eventually abducted my brother and I to another country where we were kept for a year (I kid you not, my childhood was trauma-filled). By the time I was a teenager, my father pretty much abandoned his fatherhood. I went 16 years without seeing him until the day of my wedding, in which I invited him because I felt it was the right thing to do.

Was I supposed to feel sympathy for this man as he was betraying, abusing and abondoning me all those years ago?

Hell, no. We would never expect that of a battered wife or child.

After years of living fearfully of this man, I eventually healed (sort of) and became empowered in my own right. It was only after I established my own strength and capacity to protect myself, and after a very long passage of time, that I was able to become more compassionate towards my father. That is part of the process of forgiveness, and it cannot be forced. I’m in my mid-40s now, and I was able to resume some kind of relationship with my father about 15 years ago. It’s not a traditional father-daughter relationship by any stretch. I’ve come to an understanding that my father is a very broken man. His own upbringing was horrible, and he never learned how to be a proper husband or father. He had no business ever marrying and having children. He has never outright acknowledged the things he’s done or said sorry, but I see that he is filled with regret and he tries as best as he knows how to be kind. I have absolutely no expectations of him to rise to the challenge of fatherhood; my only expectation is that he is respectful towards me and he is in the short few times we see each other. I see that he is grateful that I allow him some time to spend with my children. I tend to leave him alone.

There is a difference between what my father did and what my ex did. I know that what my father did was not personal against me. However, what he did was very personal against my mother. All those years ago, he sought to control her. He sought revenge against her when she fought back to protect herself and us. That was personal.

Now my STBXH, the cheater. Yes, he has FOO issues. But, I do too – boy do I ever. But I did not cheat for the last few years of my marriage with multiple people. I didn’t leave him for another man. I fought for this marriage until the bitter end. He has now discarded me, and the irony of being abandoned by the two most important men in my life is not lost on me. But, I am supposed to feel sorry for him? Poor sad sausage who should be pitied, and it’s just so unfortunate that I was burned in his pain?

No, that’s not what being a victim of an affair is about. Affairs are very pointed and very personal. I was deliberately and systemically devalued by my cheater. I was told I was not loveable or attractive to him. I was told that my whole relationship was a lie because he never really loved me. I was told I wasn’t meeting his needs, needs I didn’t know he had because he never shared them with me. He continuously lied to me and then blamed me when I learned truths. He tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He made me feel stupid for being so easily manipulated. When I fought for this marriage, he pretended to try to work on things, but continuously kept this woman on the go as his Plan B. In the secret email account I discovered when he left, I found emails in which he mocked my pain and my attempts to apologize to him as I was attempting reconciliation. He was using principles used in our marriage counselling sessions to apply to his affair relationship to convince the OW how they were going to beat the odds of affair relationships surviving.

This is all very, very personal. It was an attack against me by the man to which I believed I was sacramentally bonded for life, shared two children with, and shared a tremendous amount of financial assets. Almost 15 years of sunk costs.

But I am supposed to honour his humanity?

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t make every effort to “rise above,” and I have written a number of posts over the past year in which I attempt to demonstrate respect for the dignity of my STBXH. I seek to reach a point with him that I eventually reached with my father. Both of them will have a place up on some shelf or box in brain in which they are kept. But I was betrayed and there was a trauma that came with that betrayal that must be healed. There is a grief process in which I must journey…and a large part of that grieving process involves anger. I have a right to my anger, to sit in the pain of it, to let it ride through me, to spew and exorcise it. And, believe me, that as I do that, anyone who attempts to tell me that I should “humanize” my ex and have sympathy for his poor lot in life can go F&$% themselves.

This is what I know it true…that I am a person of integrity, honour and strength. I am a moral person who loves God and believes in his healing grace. As I heal, I pray for my ex’s well-being and enlightenment so that he can be redeemed as the father of our children. I want his happiness, but real happiness. I want for him to mature and work to restore his integrity. I want a unicorn for my children. But, he’s totally on his own for that, it has nothing to do with me anymore, nor should it.

docack
docack
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Well said.

manna
manna
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

You articulated things I’ve struggled to find words for. This was good. Thx.

RaesOfChumpshine
RaesOfChumpshine
5 years ago

What I don’t understand is why these bloggers think we should taken them seriously when their vernacular is Orwellian doublespeak? “Longed4her,2bw/her…”
He’s already subjected a poor ex to his 1984 dystopian exsistance, why do people haplessly watch while he screws over the English language, too?

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
5 years ago

I do know those who have cheated change their lives around. My step-dad was a serial cheater in his first marriage (side note, his ex is a psycho who murdered someone and got away with it). He paid the price for it as 4 of his 6 kids don’t have a relationship with him. After she divorced him, he put the work in to change. Didn’t date for 14 years until he fixed himself. Has been a loving and faithful husband to my mom. I have other friends who cheated, accepted the consequences, put the work in and changed. They readily admit what they did was wrong! But most of us (me included) are dealing with unrepentant cheaters who pretend to be sorry but don’t want to put the work in. They want YOU to make all the changes, but they are perfect. My XW gave me a long list of changes I had to make for her to stay. I drew a line in the sand. Filed for divorce (3 1/2 weeks post D/Day) separated, and divorced her. She goes around with her sad sausage ways and blame shifting. But isn’t really sorry she cheated for 4-5 years.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
5 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

Sirchumpalot, I too know a few people who changed, but they did not do so with the person they cheated on. I’ve said this before. In fact they broke those relationships off even if the other person wasn’t ready because they knew they had completely fucked up and couldn’t hurt them again. Maybe a cheater can fix themselves, but not with the person they cheated on. They have to face consequences. Even then people like this Sean dude can’t grow at all.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago

I’m sorry… is Elle hitting on Sean?

As a proud member of the so called “sub-tribe of betrayeds”, I’d like to know when I’m getting my UBT decoder ring and my member t-shirt, please 🙂

All I know is that if it wasn’t for this NATION of strong, awesome, witty, loving, flawed, survivors… I’d still be pick me dancing. I would’ve lost my 401K. I would’ve lost my home. I would’ve suffered a 50/50 custody settlement. I would’ve remained an invisible speck of the HUMAN I once was (and am now again!)

I’d much rather be here with you all any given day of the week than back being an enabler in an abusive and unequal marriage.

#winning

al
al
5 years ago

Dear Chumplady, I admire your ability to read and decipher Seans crap. Maybe my English isn’t good enough but I just can’t understand what is he babbling about.

chumpfor12
chumpfor12
5 years ago

What’s so laughable about poor Sean’s post is that he’s asking for something he doesn’t possess, empathy. He demands this from everyone but himself. He can fuck right off and take Elle with him!

madkatie
madkatie
5 years ago

Thank you for pointing out the plethora of internet BS touting the wonders of affairs and romanticizing them as “true love” and finally, and possibly most offensively, trying to point fingers at those of us who are capable of holding beliefs in liberal politics AND the sanctity of marriage at the same time and calling us conservative. I can’t say anything about the trauma I suffered without being accused of “bad-mouthing” my ex. If the truth about your actions constitutes bad-mouthing, then I think you need to look at your actions not the person speaking the truth. Sean sounds like someone I want to pummel.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  madkatie

Exactly. If truth means “badmouthing the ex,” count me on the side of truth.

Attie
Attie
5 years ago

If a man ever told me he was a “leaf blowing in the wind” I think I would pee myself laughing. Other than that, I must have been in France too long but can someone please put his drivel into English!

Jojobee
Jojobee
5 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Yeah, he can’t be blowing on the wind because turds don’t float!

JWH
JWH
5 years ago

What Cheaters don’t understand is that forgiveness and reconciliation don’t HAVE TO go hand-in-hand. RIC has sold that as a given. That if you love someone enough, then of course you take them back and their disregard for your health too!

Forgiveness =/= Reconciliation This should be stitched on Chump samplers across the world.

You CAN forgive and a Cheater CAN be so humble and remorseful that they put in the hard work to be given the gift of a second chance – but so many of them are NOT remorseful. Don’t want to accept that something they did was going to end the relationship that suddenly they want to keep (more often the reason they want to keep it going is about public image and money, not humility and remorse).

Anyway. Cheaters are Truly Special Enough to cheat. Chumps are also Truly Special Enough to put their own well-being first and go it alone. After doing what they can to hold Spousal Unit legally and financially accountable as is appropriate.

Sean and Esther and maybe Elle would be a perfect triangle of word diarrhea and entitlement. See the glow on the horizon? That’s not the sun – it’s Chernobyl.

marge
marge
5 years ago
Reply to  JWH

You can go on WordPress and read his entire blog. It’s disturbing soemtimes. He feels indignant that he was

JWH
JWH
4 years ago
Reply to  marge

Hahahaha. Both of them kicked him out and are now ignoring him? Sweet.