I was married 6 years. No kids. Three years ago was D-Day. Got the usual “I love you but…” A month later he gets off our phone plan, gets an apartment, of course I think affair, but no, he says he’s just depressed. Needs weren’t met, etc. But he does want to date during the separation!
For the next year I was in an unbeknownst to me “pick me” dance. After a year of this, he files, gets job in another state. Wants to end “on a positive note.” I finally call him out on this bullshit, he tells me not to contact him ever again.
A month ago, after all this no contact — he needs to talk, wants to come clean. Tells me yes, he had an affair before, and all the way through our separation, moved her in with him and they lived for a year, and then broke up.
So 3 years later I learn the truth! All ye old timers can guess where this is going — he wants to be friends! I haven’t seen him. I gathered the story on the phone. Oh, and he made a mistake and is so sorry! Hoovered me right in. (I JUST learned all of this stuff in the last month! Argh!) I did not tell him I forgave him, I said I’d think about it.
Now, after grokking the news and doing the really unproductive time-lining — I am indeed the biggest Chump? I want a word for a chump who didn’t know she was a chump — does that exist? HOW to rid myself of this dumpster fire? Do I just block him on chat and run with no explanation? Because for the last month we’ve been in touch a lot. (Ugh, now I understand it must stop.) Tell him a bit of explanation and run? I don’t want to activate him.
You extinguish a dumpster fire. Douse it with a hose. Smother it. Point is, you don’t throw another log on and wonder why the flames grow higher. YOU STOP FEEDING IT.
Why are you encouraging this toxic mess?
The Universal Bullshit Translator is heady from its weekend of praise and would like a crack at this. Ordinarily, I have to coax it from its slumber, but its positively zippity-do-dah today.
(Yes, the UBT works on chumps and their spackle too. We are also purveyors of bullshit. The worst sort — the kind that deludes ourselves.)
I did not tell him I forgave him, I said I’d think about it.
I didn’t utter curses and hang up — there still may be something to analyze and discuss here! This person devalued me, asked me to compete for my wife job (we can date!), only to abandon me. I see friend potential!
His actions towards me don’t matter. I won’t make a judgement on those. What matters is that HE VALUES ME AGAIN!
I want a word for a chump who didn’t know she was a chump — does that exist?
The word is chump.
Do I just block him on chat and run with no explanation?
A guy who mysteriously vanishes from my life, and offers no explanation, deserves an explanation.
HOW to rid myself of this dumpster fire?
The UBT suggests rolling it over to the OW’s house and letting it burn over there.
Me again. (The UBT has turned over and is demanding toast. After songs of praise, its love language is carbohydrates…)
Cali24, this guy can’t heal you. There isn’t a single explanation (evil twin? alien abduction? peanut allergy?) that makes what he did acceptable.
And YET you are accepting it with your behavior. That’s what failing to stick with no contact says — I’m open to being used. My self-worth is easily bought with lame-ass, zero-action apologies. I value your centrality (I GOT A PRECIOUS KIBBLE!) far more than I value myself.
But, but… what if he’s really sorry!
Who cares? What can he do about it? Are you telling me there isn’t a single other person on the planet you could better invest your energies in? Who hasn’t shat on your gifts?
But, but… what if he’s changed!
He has the nerve to circle back for kibbles? HE HASN’T CHANGED. He’s just lining up Plan B (K, Z…) supply. His feeling totally entitled to your time, your ear, your fucking FRIENDSHIP?! (hey, I cheated and lied, but I’m awesome brunch company!) means he’s the same fuckwit he’s always been.
He doesn’t need an explanation. But you need one — you’re doing this for your self-worth.