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RIC Tag Lines?

The Unicorn of ReconciliationI got a Twitter response to yesterday’s column taking me to task for encouraging “irresponsible” behavior (lawyering up and leaving a cheating husband) within two months.

I’m not here to savage that response, it’s a typical RIC tenet of faith — don’t make any decisions for at least 6 months! — obviously this person is in their own limbo hell.

But at first I thought the account was an RIC parody because of the tagline — “No expectations, no disappointments.”

Christ, how sad is THAT?

The whole point of Chump Nation is to YES, HAVE EXPECTATIONS! Like really crazy, radical expectations that people treat you with kindness and respect. Not risk your health or humiliate you. Or lie to your face.

No expectations, no disappointments? What sort of dystopian vision is that?

A Friday Challenge was born — tag lines for the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.

The tag line at CN is “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” (Which is also the name of my book.)

So, what’s the branding message for the RIC?

“Reconciliation — Because protecting yourself sounds rash.”

“Pray the Betray Away!”

“Hopium — When lucidity isn’t working.”

Your turn!




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    • Just thinking about “I’m not here to savage that response, it’s a typical RIC tenet of faith — don’t make any decisions for at least 6 months! “ I heard one year and now thinking about that:

      RC: The fuckwit cheater has been cheating and planning for years (at least in my case) and has a huge head start on cheating me out of everything without my knowledge. Now, you expect me to wait 6 months to give him more time to lie, cheat and abuse me. You are out of your minds!!!

      • Within 6 months my cheater already had another woman pregnant.

        Not to mention that I’m pretty sure that he had been cheating for our entire 8 year marriage.

        The Ric can GTFO.

      • Especially when the cheater knows you know, then its a mad race by them to ruin you and take everything………

    • Reconciliation- stay together in 20 sessions, because my boat isn’t paying for itself!

  • Reconciliation: well because anyone can make a year of “mistakes”

    • along the same lines as he did not “intend to” ___(fill in the blank)____ #cheat #lie #betray #hurt me #steal time and money from us #break up our marriage #fuck up our kids #abandon our kids

      whatever works for him. poor little baby. i just got a text message from him how he never intended ANY of this. .. . what did he expect to happen when he was sticking his dick in the neighborhood meth head troll? so i asked him what DID he intend and he sorrowfully said he wanted his children and family.. .. *eyes roll* ya, i totally can see how badly he wanted his children and family when he wasnt coming home for days at a time and currently only sees his kids once a year.. ..

      • RIC tag line about intentions;

        “Intentions are whatever you want them to be. Results are irrelevant.”

        I’d bet that about 85% of cheaters use the “intentions” excuse. The other 15% just don’t bother with any excuse.

        • ‘ The road to hell is paved with good intentions’! EVERY rationalization by a cheater is a based on lies. They’re whole pysche becomes a lie. And then thier lies have babies! My cheater thinks if she has a really good reason to lie then it’s not really a lie!

          • Oh, absolutely. The pretzel they twist themselves into so that they can keep thinking they are a good person. There is the blame-shifting twist. The knot of really-it-was-good-for-our-marriage-since-she-did-anal-and-you-didn’t. And look at all the weight you lost (via the infidelity diet)!

            Instead of telling cheaters to quit being lying sacks of shit, they tell them they need to “live more authentic lives”. Barf.

            • Oh Ivy Leaguer. You made me LOL. Thank you for the Pretzel Twist. ????

    • Reconciliation! Because when you find out who someone truly is, the one thing you can be sure of is that they’ll change for the better!

      The fuck did I just read? She’s traumatized so don’t do anything drastic? Because when you find a new mole, and the doctor tells you it’s cancerous, you’ll be very traumatized, so don’t make any medical decisions for six months. If you find your brother’s stealing from your elderly father to fund a gambling habit, you’ll be traumatized – so don’t revoke his guardianship over your Dad’s assets for six months. Leak in your water boiler? Leave it spraying water on the floor for six months! Wouldn’t want to do anything rash!

  • “Reconciliation — Because it’s not her sleeping with other men to advance her career, it’s your reaction to it.”

    • awww.. .. . poor baby. did he trip and his penis just ‘magically’ fall into her vagina.. .. you know those things CAN happen apparently. he didnt MEAN for you to find out because it took time, money, effort, multiple phone calls and texts, planning and scheming behind your back. .. .. .. . but he didnt MEAN to hurt you. he just wanted to fuck some strange. why you mad. .. .. he really does love you, just not your vagina. he wants new vagina. but he LUVS you … .. haha fucking idiots.

      *i heard the same things repeatedly because apparently i am a little thick headed and slow to catch on

    • (Remember the old SNL bit called “Lowered Expectations”? That is my contribution to this day. Ha!)

  • Let’s not make rush decisions, we can start with C’s books about communicating better and talk to each other in soft voices/ filed with love

    ( while he screws hookers, lies to therapist , and blames the wife for all his “ mistakes”- yes, they were not choices but mistakes ????)

    • Seriously, what’s with the hookers!? My hooker lover is “changed” but has a new gf within months and is celebrating her bday today. She probably isn’t getting hooker revelations for it like I did.

      • Karen,
        Oh, she’ll get her hooker revelations. Maybe not for her birthday, but perhaps Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Arbor Day. They always go back to the hookers.
        It’s a transaction.

  • Quotes from ex
    “all men do it” no they don’t
    “I wasn’t going to leave you” thanks
    “she’s fun” drug addicts, alcoholics aren’t fun
    “will you share me” no
    “it was cystitis”. don’t think so, antibiotic specific for sti
    Ow asked me to feel sorry for her, no, you choose your lifestyle,
    Ex hates leaving by himself, poor him.
    You made your choices.

      • and you know how hard it for him to say NO.. .. he is just a nice guy, he loves doing things for people (except his wife and kids) because it makes HIM feel better about himself.


        • MrsVain, this opened a festering boil. Idiot scumbag ex built a large retaining wall for a friend but wouldn’t scrub the bathtub that weekend when I asked him. I had surgery on my leg for malignant melanoma, numerous stitches and couldn’t bend over to do it myself. But, noooooo, because no one would be able to see the clean tub and do an ohhhhh and ahhhhhh! That pig!

          • Oh my….
            – garden
            -washing the car
            -cleaning the garage

            Talking to his wife, play with kids( unless pics are fb friendly to show his amazing parenting bonding times) nah… not fun.

      • I got that excuse. I think it was actually true that she made the first move, but he had no trouble with the second, third, fourth etc. and actively pursued a relationship with her after what he says was meant to be a ONS. The drunk-ass, married schmoopie has a track record of chasing and manipulating men, and he was dead easy to catch. “I felt sooooo guilty after that night! It was because I was drunk! I had no intention of taking it further! I don’t know how it happened!” lied the cheater, over and over. Then I found out through google maps history and credit card charges that they were having lunch and work breaks together every day immediately after their first fuck and evening dates within a little over a month. Gee, I’m sure he has no idea how it “happened” and was compelled to see her at least three times a day by mind control. He must be the Manchurian Infidel. I even found a flirty, ass-kissing email to her that pre-dated that initial night of drunken, inept humping, which he still stupidly claims doesn’t mean he was actively pursuing her. SOB was frantically chasing her, trying to get a heartless narc bitch to love him, from the start. This for five and a half years, with no end in sight, though he claimed he INTENDED to end it at some point, which even he admits would not have been for at least two years. Here, have a bitch cookie for INTENDING to end it at some unspecified point in time and only because she hadn’t spead her legs for 4 of those 5.5 years, Manchurian Infidel. To hear him tell it, he didn’t INTEND to betray me, humiliate me and ruin my life. Oh no. The Manchurian Infidel didn’t mean any harm, he just had no control over himself. Because FOO issues. Because booze. Because porn. Because I was “controlling” and “authoritarian”(claims he has never backed up). To call him a lying, hypocritical sack of cow plop would be an insult to all types of feces.

        Rant concluded. Sorry about that.

        • I love a good rant!

          They’re all the same, I swear!

          “I didn’t intend to…” Yeah, so 10 years, two schmoopies and I don’t know how many gang bangs and exhibitionist sex at sex clubs just accidentally happened?! Like how you accidentally dropped a dinner plate? Like how you accidentally forgot the cat food? Like how you accidentally spilled that glass of water? Like that, right!? Broken dinner plate and ten years of fucking other women. No big deal. I mean, accidents happen, right!?

          • Mine was making mistakes for 15 years… you know… it just happens ( minus porn, looking /posting adds, hours of chatting, dining and fucking around… ) yep… he loved me and all… it was just a mistake ( yes, at the end it was nicely packaged into one singular mistake)

          • Serial cheating, sex clubs and gang bangs? Yikes! I’m so glad you are away from that disgusting sexual deviant. He could have given you HIV or Hep C. What an utter waste of DNA that guy is. I don’t believe in God, but if I did, I’d include “Lord, please don’t screw up again and create another one like him.” in my prayers.

      • Good one! They WISH we’d all buy that.

        “But, I didn’t go around Looking for it!”

        My C wife always talks as if it matters whether she went looking for men or if she stayed still, accepting their advances and participating in sexual talk and more as they offered it.

        • Well of course her vagina has a mind of its own. What was she supposed to do? It was her vagina’s decision to say yes to those men and her vagina’s mind is much more powerful than the one in her head.
          IOW, she’s one mudfuckingly stupid bitch.

    • Geez, what a douche. Those classic cheater lines are so cringe-worthy. I got “60% of people cheat” instead of “all men cheat”. He had found statistics to justify that he was “normal”.

      I also got the “fun” line about the times he had with a pathetically disordered drunk who puked all over a cab, made him pay for the clean-up, and couldn’t even walk her dog without a drink in her hand. Yeah, that sounds like a barrel of laughs.

      I also got “I wasn’t going to leave you” which turned out to be a disgusting lie. He had planned to leave me for years, but just never got the chance.
      Dumbass didn’t think to erase his google activity history showing searches about divorce. He was then forced to confess, but tried fo “soften the blow” by telling me he had changed his mind because OW would never leave her husband, so he had “no future” with her. Lucky me, he was willing to settle for plan B, which was stay with me (aka Brand X) and keep cheating. What a generous guy. He actually, I kid you not, thought hearing that would make it better and that I would be grateful. He even ran after me when I ran away from him because he had said that yet again, yelling it over and over while chasing me up a steep hill. He then fell on his ass trying to descend and slid all the way down as I looked on and smirked. ???? Then, in heels, I walked back down without mishap and left him sitting there looking stupid.

      • Tsk tsk. So lost.

        “Since I heard that song “Can’t find a better Man”, it inspired me to do that with My woman instead. See? It’s all okay. I can’t quite leave you yet! Certainly, not how I’d rather, anyway.”

        “So, sometimes and temporarily, here I am… uh… Sweetie!”

        People like that are disgusting.

        • All true, but that is a great song. If it ever inspired a cheater, he or she is really dumb because the song is a lament, not celebratory. My ex and schmoopie had “their” song, which was about a dystopian future in a materialistic, superficial, narcissistic culture. They stupidly thought it was a rallying call to be the narc assholes they are.

    • ME TOO!!! i found my people.. .. because all of you understand what i went thru. validation by proxy

      Plus a good laugh too

  • “Reconciliation: because cheaters need someone to adult for them”

    • *Including, but not limited to: cooking, cleaning, laundry, raising children, grocery shopping, running errands, paying bills, filing taxes, doing yard work, making mechanical repairs, escorting children to extracurricular activities, working to support the household, and other duties as assigned.

      • OMG Sausalito, yes!! The only thing Dickhead did was run trash to the curb once a week and he couldn’t even remember to done that.

    • Yes, but not always. My ex is above average when it comes to all the practical parts (earning, paying, cleaning, cooking, etc). That’s what fooled me in the first place: look how responsible and mature he is! While I still had to start my own life after a trashed childhood, when I met him.

      The difference is he is stunted in his emotional/moral growth. But he can trick anyone into looking past that because “what is more important, philosophy or money?”.

  • Not witty enough for the challenge but can comment.
    “No expectations, no disappointments.”
    My mind is swirling after reading that! Should that be the proposal line along with “will you marry me?” Or written into a pre-nip? Can you just imagine being at a wedding where the officiant makes both parties prominent to have “No expectations, no disappointments.”?
    THAT is an even worse way to go through life than being a chump.
    No one will ever take my expectations away from me for every single person I allow in my life!
    Ugh. I have to get that awful line out of my head.

    • Because divorce shouldn’t be an option. Because the other woman helps spice up the relationship.

  • Reconciliation…because you don’t want to be alone…besides, you probably deserved it!

  • Stay, there is no other way
    6 months in limbo
    Keep lending your husband to a bimbo
    Before you know it you’re old and gray
    Still he will stray….
    F*!! that,
    Dump the rat
    Do it now, come on and take a bow.

  • “Just consider what he did a blip on the radar….a deviation from the norm. ” Yea right. A deviation to the tune of 100,000 I was swindled out of in divorce court…smh

    • Omg…this reminds me of the “marriage as a white sheet of paper” – where the cheating is just a black dot on it. “Yes…but look at all the white!”
      Funny now how it also brings to mind the “cookies with just a little dog crap in them” analogy. SMH!

      • A tablespoon of dog shit in a gallon of ice cream improves the taste of neither.

  • Redefining the marriage vows since they weren’t strong enough in the first place to stay unbroken.

  • For just 3 easy installments of $129, we’ll teach you how to improve yourself so they aren’t forced to go wayward.

    Be the first 10 callers and we’ll throw in an added bonus: “Why You’re Dog Wants To Run Away Because You’re Such A Pathetic Loser”

    • You didn’t love him “enough” when you respected and trusted him. Let us teach you to love him enough now that you see him as a selfish idiot.

  • Reconciliation: Because burner phones are to call your siblings.


  • Faithfulness is Dull: Own Your Role in the Demise of the Marriage

    Make Yourself Microscopic: A Spouse Who Can’t See You Can’t Abuse You

    It’s Not About You: Let Go of Irrational Jealousy and Free Your Partner to Explore Strange

    How to be a Stepford Ex in Six Easy Steps: 1) Be Slender and Smiling, 2) Sprinkle Chipper Emojis Over Every Text, 3) Share Special Recipes with the Stepparent, 4) Be Your Ex’s Faithful Cheerleader, 5) Drink Early and Often, 6) Score a Valium Prescription.

  • I don’t have a witty tag line, yet. But, I have to say, during my own wreckonciliation period that included stalking the OW’s pinterest account and trying to figure her out (I’ve given up on those days, THANK GOODNESS), I found these exact sentiments posted to her account. Yes, it’s sad to think that she has no expectations. Oh wait, not for her. She deserves all that comes her way for participation in the destruction of not one, but two families. Because really, she’s signing up for a short future with a person who can’t meet any expectations of commitment and respect.

  • “Take Them Back…Because they love you; they’re just not IN LOVE with you!”

    • ^^^ This! I got “If you truly loved me, you would have forgiven the infidelity!” (Face palm)

      • Quantum, I can cite my stbx’ s million different justifications – all will be great RIC taglines. As are of all cheaters, including yours.

      • Well, I (stupidly) tried to forgive the infidelity. It was a series of infidelities with a 12-year long term remote married AP whom he had randez-vous with during business trips and fill-in short term ho’s here and there. After busting him again during wreckonciliation the “unconditional love” tagline was conveniently switched to “I love variety while you (chump) don’t, so let’s have an open marriage.”

        You never win the game. The best strategy is to exit it.

        • My XW made the “open marriage” pitch as well. I said “no thanks”, and she left.

          • My ex made the same pitch and I too said No Thanks. Truth was I already had one, just didn’t know it.

        • Reconciliation; because desperation is proof of twu wuv.

          Don’t divorce. Just dance, motherfucker! Dance!

          Healthy families are built on forgiving abuse. Learn how to heal your heart and save your marriage by learning your place, all in ten easy payments of $1200.

        • Yes, forgiving them for cheating is showing how desperate a woman is. Staying with a cheater shows they can’t find someone better.

    • True love is unconditional FROM YOU. Love from the cheater, if any, has more conditions than the Merck Manual.

  • It wasn’t his fault, blame the dopamine!
    (an actual quote from ex after seeing a reconciliation therapist)

  • How to Do Constant Contact Like a Boss: The Importance of Continuing to Absorb Abuse So Everyone (Else) Can Be Happy

    Be a Glitter Bomb: How to Sparkle Hard Through Every Crisis (So Nobody Ever Learns the Truth About Your Sad and Empty Life)

  • Never meaning to hurt you…or (you) find out.

    Investing in your health through C-PTSD and annual STI testing.
    (See? This makes you a stronger person by now investing in therapy and additional health screenings!)

  • I must confess to my deep regret, how much I posted on the leading RIC site. I was a major contributor there, and it shames and shocks me now. WTF was I thinking? I was ALL IN the RIC…

    So, here are some of my more (now mortifying) common memes with my CL translations .

    1) RIC talk: Lose the anger.

    (CL TRANSLATION – You’re not fun to be around when you aren’t horny for and admiring me).

    2) Do not push the mid life crisis person (= cheating narcissists)

    into the arms of AP…

    (+ if you have the gall to speak of what he DID, your -mere – words will justify ALL of his actions, past and present and future.) AKA it’s your fault.

    3) While in the fog, back way off the MLCer (= mid life crisis person)

    (= Be discreet in your pick me dance. Also, the cheater is not at fault. They are lost and wounded and SHAMED so do not do or say anything that might “make” the cheater feel guilt or remorse.

    The only thing I said in the RIC days that I say and LIVE more now, is to GET A LIFE!

    Back then I said it because I wanted to be such an interesting vivacious partner that the DOCTOR would choose me and our family and marriage of THIRTY FIVE years…

    Now I say it because I want MY life to be as good as I can make it. And it’s getting there.

    PS Btw, when I asked the DOCTOR how he could make these choices that were so blatantly selfish, he shut down. Shaming did not work. Ever.

    I’m not sure there is a “thing that works” but shaming consistently morphed into blaming ME. The blame shifting and gaslighting are things I do not have in my life now.

    Thank God.

    • DOCTOR’s1stWife&Kids don’t feel bad about your choices early on. Trying to keep a marriage and family intact is nothing to be ashamed of. I didn’t post on RIC boards (they weren’t around then) but spent years following the same hopeless philosophy. Only through my CL education did I come to see this behavior – which I had come to view as pathetic as he left me anyway – as something that is universal to people who love with their whole heart. Back then, I could not imagine some of this disordered behavior because I could only process it through my non-disordered lens.
      Maya Angelou has given us this quote “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
      Between Maya and CL I’ve come to view my overly-tolerate, RIC advised behavior with much more self-compassion. I also tend to use it as experience to draw on when I’m tempted to be overly tolerate of bad behavior now.
      I’ve found I’ve made much more practical progress toward meh when I am easier on myself.

      • Thanks FERN, b/c I am having a hard time “reconciling” what I know now and the shit I put up with

        while somehow, incredibly, convincing myself I was loving fully. Yeah, I was fully loving, a narcissist and NOT loving me.

        Oh man…

  • Reconciliation: because Sparkles was “confused”.

    But now he understands the consequences. (No more kibbles).

  • In May of last year, my husband of almost 20 years told me (out of the blue), “you have made my life miserable, i have wasted the best years of my life on you….blah blah blah”. I got a therapist (for us, which he agreed to)….3 weeks after he told me that, I found out he had been cheating our entire marriage. I got an attorney before I confronted him. By July we were legally separated and he was out of the house. In 2 weeks I will be legally divorced from him, starting a new life for myself and my children. So all of this in less then 10 months. Fuck the reconciliation assholes. If they want to be with a man with no morals, no ethics, no compassion or empathy and who is so superbly good at hiding it all because of course he is a master at leading a double life, the the RIC can have him. Of course, the RIC will have to fight his girlfriend for him but hey, not my circus, not my monkeys (anymore). I’m moving on in life. I don’t have a husband any more but I have something more important, my pride, my dignity, my honor and I can sleep at night.

    • Jen, and besides having your dignity back, you probably don’t worry anymore about paying your bills.

    • Jen, all that in 9 months????? You are a BOSS!!!! Way to go????????????

  • RIC – he is in a “brain fog” – give him time to come out of that.

    Seriously, like he is pooping in the bathroom and I am waiting for him to get it done and come out.

    Nothing about what happened to me – STD tests, rages, lying, manipulations…

    • RIC – He needs to mourn his affair partner. Don’t show anger it will drive him further away.

      • This is Amazing! My X after the 1st affair he came back and told me how much he missed his OW aka the whore and I sat on the couch and consoled him, and let him put his head in my lap and I stroked his head and told him it would be alright and I would forgive him. What a Chump I was. Same thing 3 years later…but I was finally smarter! 90 days from affair #2 (that I knew about) to divorce 3 months out got a new car and today (9 months out) just qualified for my own mortgage.

        I will be strong despite how chumpy I was for sooooo long!

  • Love a Cheater and Lose Your Life (Because You Just Aren’t That Important)

    Yes is a Complete Sentence: Agreeing With Your Partner’s Every Whim and Criticism is the Secret of Marital Longevity

    Romance By Gaslight: When He Loves You Enough to Lie

  • “I don’t love you… I’m not there for you. ..She’s just a friend.. our marriage (34 years) ran it course”.
    Never had a chance at RIC…he didn’t want it. ???? evil narc

    • Me either Kathleen
      Got told to my face he was in love with ho worker and he was going to be with her . Within an hour he had packed and gone

      • Karen
        I’m sorry you went through that terrible abandonment. How long was your marriage?

          • Just like my experience. No chance of reconciliation. He did not even have the decency to tell me there was someone else… I found that out two weeks later.

            • I’m 10 years out from the same experience. Divorced 8.5 years. He’ll NEVER have decency.

            • I don’t understand how these men can destroy our marriages like it was nothing!!
              It’s all about them… bastards. Hopefully they’ll get back the pain they gave us ????

              • Hey! We’re a minority here, but there are plenty of men who were treated just as badly. It’s not about gender, it’s about character.

                My XW bailed on the marriage a backward glance (well, not totally true – she agreed to ONE counseling session at which I literally went down on one knee and begged her to try to save the marriage; she told me stone cold “no” with the counselor there as witness. Her AP was going the same thing to his wife the very same week, though I didn’t find out about it until a year later). Shitty people do shitty things, whether they’re male or female.

              • I’ll second this! My XW Abandoned without giving two shits. Her “dream” didn’t workout as she wanted it and now I’m forced into her “I was mentally ill game” of sad sausagery (just made that word up).

                Men are chumps too!!!!! ????

              • Same here. A woman chump.

                Dumped in a continent that is not that of my origin.
                Going back home after 14 years, to the place where once I had job security.
                In the marriage, I worked for years, then rug was pulled as soon as I completed my full-time degree (of which he was totally supportive, “do it at your pace; enjoy it”). Without husband it is not financially viable to stay, also owing to family obligations. And at this point I want to be with them. I want to be with my loved ones. I have no one else.

                He used me as a stepping stone for his career (facade wife).
                Reached a high point in said career, which had to be matched by some young sparkly something. Oh, the apotheosis of the man!
                Wife humiliated and reduced to smithereens.
                “Now you’ll see how reading Cicero and Sophocles will serve you”.

                The wound collector type from the start.

              • Cheater reconciliation lies, omissions, justifications, excuses, get over its, projection, hypocrisy, false equivalencies, triggers etc might be worse than abandonment. I don’t know. My marriage of 6yrs is much shorter than most chumps here but it might be a grass is greener situation for chumps in terms of abandonment versus wreckonciliation. I want cheater out of my life but I want to keep my daughter, income, and assets. No good options for chumps damnit. This shit should be a crime again.

            • Same here, ex blamed me, he no longer felt butterflies, had built up resentments, towards me, Brit, remember in 1990 when you didn’t want to vacation with my parents for the second time that year?
              I asked if there was someone else, he denied that there was and I foolishly believed him. Ex never let me know he was leaving he just never care home. He said he didn’t want to hear my drama.

              It’s unbelievable to me that anyone could be so cruel and callous. 25 years together meant nothing to him. He moved on like I never existed.

              • “He moved on like I never existed.” Truth is, He never did. IMHO People who can walk away from loving families like this have no souls. RIC, there is nothing to work with after infidelity, ie don’t prop up a dead person and wait for the marriage to come back to life.

          • Wow! Today is 2 months since mine moved out, and 3 months since DDay. These “anniversaries”. Are the new norm .

            Oh here’s a great tag line!

            Happy anniversary baby! Of your DDay.

    • I didn’t either. When he told me was done, he was done and that includes having the patience or respect to talk with me.

      Looking back, it was like everything in our marriage. He pretty much controlled the direction and then pointed his fingers at me when it went wrong.

      • Yeah i think that’s what is getting me the complete lack of respect .The way he just abandoned me like i’m shit on his shoe. Just left me sitting there

        If he said ILYBNILWY blah blah but he never said any of that .

        I got his lawyers letter yesterday it said there was an irretrievable break down in the marriage and no prospect of reconciliation.

        • I’m so very sorry. The book Runaway Husband and a YouTube meditation on abandonment (the one with red background and ring of flames) really helped when X abandoned after 26 years together. That was VERY trauma-inducing.

        • I’m sorry Karenb6702, all of us at CN understand and are here for you
          Please read Chump Lady’s book if you haven’t already…

    • “Ran it’s course”? I used you up, now you n to new supply.

      Vultures, vultures, everyone of them.

      • Fear
        Yes. “ ran it’s course”. & “if you didn’t nag I wouldn’t have fall out of love with you”.
        I though fevers usually run it’s course?
        His Owhore died year ago so Karma hit him..he moved into another woman’s house soon after.
        Very sad ????

  • Reconciliation therapy for $300/hour. With free spackle for any spouse with an STD

    • ????
      2nd line:What’s there to cry about?
      3rd line: He only blew up you life…
      (with reggae music playing in the background)

      • Heartbreak and misogyny are much better tolerated to the sound of a steel drum.

  • Ok, so I was looking for inspiration for my tag line and I found this amazing (mind boggling long stupid) paragraph:

    Teach yourself to do something when you begin to imagine his affair; do 10 jumping jacks, bake some cookies, meditate, call a friend, play with a child or do whatever distracts you.

    Jumping jacks – really??!?! If this was 3 years ago, I’d be doing jumping jacks all over the place, supermarket, school run, everywhere.

    So my tag line based on this advice is “when rage comes your way – grab the nearest child and play”

    Smiles and flowers to all of CN

  • Reconciliation: Do It For The Children! Because your children deserve continued exposure to a lying cheater with anger issues!

  • “The Lamentations of Wo/Men and Children make ME Happy!”

    “Why Can’t You be Happy for ME?”

    “Side Dish makes ME Happy!”

    “You’re Dragging me Down, Lesser Mortal(s)!”


  • Reconciliation: Because true love really, really hurts.

    (For years, in fact.)

    Reconciliation: Because without marriage, you are cabbage.

  • Oh whoops – I was distracted.

    “RIC: Because Divorce is Too Much Trouble and I’m Too Wonderful to Give Up”

    “RIC: How could YOU do this to the Family?”

    “RIC: It’s not what I did, it’s YOUR response to it!”

    “RIC: Because STDs don’t spread by themselves (unlike Side Dish)”

  • RIC: Come see our unicorns for the low low price of $1,999 or our easy monthly installments of $10. Cheaters aren’t bad people – just misunderstood lost souls.

  • Do the 180. Manipulate the manipulator.
    Make no decisions for 6 months: Because nothing is as attractive as a door mat.
    Disclaimer: Possible side effects of RIC advice include ruined credit, kids in therapy, and herpes.

  • (with apologies to Burger King)

    Let her grumble, let her eat cake
    Don’t blame her for one lone mistake
    All we ask is that you just make sure that you pay . . .

    Make sure you pay, make sure you pay
    Make sure you pay the R-I-C . . .

  • Here are a few of the excuses I heard. Wonder how the RIC would process these gems.

    You will never get over it so I might as well keep on doing it.

    All men cheat so it’s no big deal.

    I didn’t use “our money” to pay her rent and give her an allowance. It came from my company expense account.

    Hey, you were my queen. I just needed a bunch of princesses too. That’s just how I am.

    I was going to stop fooling around when I retired and ride off into the sunset with you. But you refused to buy that house on the beach that I wanted.

    You’re just spoiled.

    You were trying to change me.

    You made our kids your priority.

    I went to church and talked to God. God says I’m OK.

    Hey RIC. Can you show success rate statistics with actual documentation/proof that your program can reform personally disorders such as narcissism and sociopathy that often lead to cheating and betrayal? I thought they were hopelessly incurable.

    • “I went to church and talked to God. God says I’m OK.” Ummmm, when God gave the commandments to Moses it read “Thou shall not commit adultery, but it is ok for Ex Pilot’s Wife cheater to do so.” I didn’t know the commandments had a disclaimer? SMH

  • RIC, where we promise to have and hold for worse, for poorer, in sickness

  • Just cracked open ‘The Betrayal Bond’ and found a whole pageful:

    “1. When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.

    2. When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises.

    3. When there are repetitive, destructive fights that nobody wins.

    4. When others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not.

    5. When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person’s treatment of you.

    6. When you feel stuck because you know what the other person is doing is destructive but believe you cannot do anything about it.

    7. When you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others.

    8. When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.

    9. When someone’s talents, charisma or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive or degrading acts.

    10. When you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person.

    11. When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you.

    12. When extraordinary demands are placed upon you to measure up as a way to cover up that you’ve been exploited.

    13. When you keep secret someone’s destructive behavior toward you because of all the good they have done or the importance of their position or career.

    14. When the history of your relationship is about contracts or promises that have been broken and that you are asked to overlook.”

    • OMG, Lola! Had gone through all of those “whens” during wreckonciliation and even post. It takes a while to unbond but what a glorious feeling to read this now and feel free of those horrors!

    • Lola, thanks for sharing, accurate description of my relationship with shit head. I foolishly put him on a pedestal and did everything listed.

      Longtimechump, I did all the work and was never quite good enough, if only I could live up to his impossible expectations. It does feel good to be free from the horrors.

    • Thanks I’m in it right now. Helps to see it spelled out. Please pray for me.

  • Mo Prostitutes, Mo Problems-only if you pay attention.

    Sex Addiction: the struggle is real. Won’t you be my neighbor?

    RIC: where “I swear I used a condom every time” is the standard we all aspire to.

  • McRICald’s: Have it your way!

    McRICald’s: We’re lovin’ it!

    McRICald’s: Over 1 billion strange pussies served.

    You should see what I’ve got for “5 Guys”….

  • The Twitter user’s banner reads: “We have to distrust each other. It’s our only defense against betrayal.”

    Wow. Very sad. And it is completely untrue- lots of us didn’t trust the assholes and still got dragged.

    But you are welcome here, Twitter Person. Come gain a life.

  • “Reconcile: how could you possibly be happy without that lying, cheating, stealing abuser?”

    “Stay on your side of the street. The strippers are over here on our side.”

    “He’s lost in the Affair Fog. Be his shining light. [Just not too bright, you don’t want to make him seem dim]”

  • Now for the game:

    For those who got the endless gaslighting and denial with a touch back to a recent column –

    “Your spouse’s affair can be the best thing that never happened to you.”

  • Reconciliation: When one round of PTSD isn’t enough!

    Reconciliation: Because he didn’t mean to give you that STD! He thought she was “clean”! She even said she’s never done this before! Oooopsies! Well, it’s nothing a good dose of antibiotics won’t cure! Why are you so mad??

    Reconciliation: If you don’t provoke him/her on purpose by constantly bringing up the affair, you may be able to stay together! Better tamp that anger down and make the marriage a Good Place To Be!

    Reconciliation: Because he needs a place to stay until she tells her husband she wants a divorce! It may take a couple of years, so keep dancin’ pretty!!

    Reconciliation: Because the affair is over! We’re just friends now! She needs me!

    Reconciliation: Because it’s your fault you didn’t treat me like a rock star!

  • Don’t Make Them Hate You- A Chump’s Guide To Pick-Me Dancing Using Child Custody Even After They’ve Left You.

  • Reconciliation “Don’t bunk the mind fuck”

    “It is up to you to forgive the false”

  • “don’t make any decisions for at least 6 months!”

    Oh how I fell hook line & sinker for that one from RIC ????

    ok let’s think of a tagline

    “What every Cheater wants for Xmas — a Doormat — because who else is going to do the shopping, take the kids to school, pay the bills, clean, etc. — just don’t ask too many questions about where they go and the new ‘friends’ they make”


    “Reconciliation : learn the time honoured art of patience, waiting for Cheater to come out of the affair fog” — RIC disclaimer: not 100% guaranteed

  • “It takes TWO people to end a marriage.”


    “Because it could happen to anyone!”


    “It’s not his fault that he accidentally had sex with her that one time. And possibly more, but you don’t have any evidence of those.”

  • Reconciliation-“I’m glad you found out because now I won’t have to hide it anymore.” “iwasn’t going to leave you.”
    Interpreted after the shock as -now that you know, I can continue as usual and I have not an ounce of remorse.

    Reconciliation- “shhh! Stay and play the role I have designed for you!!!

    • And the variation on that-

      He deserves to be happy. [no mention of you or your happiness]

  • RIC- get out of my limelight, Chump
    RIC- torture in 45 minute increments
    RIC- give a cheater time to cover tracks and hide assets!

  • Holy shit – the twit completely blew off that the cheater had given his wife an STD!

    Why the fuck would anyone hang around for SIX MONTHS in order to…reconcile? Bleed all over the floor so Jackson Pollock and Brother Fucker can use her emotional haemmorhage as paint for their “canvas”? Is it going to be their “meet cute” story?


  • Shit sandwiches. It’s what’s for dinner (for the rest of your life).

  • Reconciliation: Reclaiming the marriage you thought you had so they can cheat all over again.

    Reconciliation: It’s not the affair; it’s your reaction to it.

  • High-tech RIC: “We apply artificial intelligence and machine learning to find out the exact reason (out of 356 millon) for why your cheater cheated and help you come up with the tech-proven behavioral response to end the cheating and bring your cheater back to you!”

  • Reconciliation: Seriously, you have to believe him when he says he has no idea how he woke up with a prostitute in his bed in Ghana!

    Reconciliation: He says he didn’t hit you so your face obviously kept attacking his fist! “The judge doesn’t agree?” Oh well what would the domestic violence court know about THAT!

  • Oh…so many options…how about

    RIC: “Normalizing abuse, because we care”
    RIC: “Dancing for Dollars”
    RIC: “Love your kids by modeling dysfunction”
    RIC: “No expectations, because your needs don’t matter”
    RIC: “Ignore your needs as well as your spouse”
    RIC: “Serving shit sandwiches with a smile”
    RIC: “Stay, pray and look the other way”

    I’ve got to go to work or I could do this all day!

    • RIC: “No expectations, because your needs don’t matter”

      That pretty well sums it up right there.

  • Forgive. He made A mistake.
    (as in cheating is a singular mistake even when committed over several years & with different AP’s)

    Cheater told me he made A mistake & that he disappointed me AGAIN.
    That is no longer A mistake. It’s a lifetime of effed-upness!!!

  • RIC wasn’t a thing for me…abandoned after 26 years, found his “collection” in the garage. I’d like to offer this public health announcement though…..Keep up with the STI testing! You can bet they’re bringing it all home.

  • Reconciliation: There are two sides to this story and yours doesn’t matter.

    Reconciliation: Live your best life (as a doormat that is).

    Reconciliation: It takes 2 but it’s up to you.

      • Isn’t that an actual tag line that one of these RIC sites use. I swear I read it. And I was even tempted to follow it… I actually used some of the recommendation in my worst wreckonciliation times. And… nada… he made up his mind. He loved hearing compliments, but filtered out what he needed and still treated me like shit.

    • MC and IC said this to me. Like they read the same dumbass book for idiot counselors.

  • RIC – Filling you with hopium so you don’t notice they’re draining the bank accounts.

  • When I told the ex’s therapist that he had a girlfriend, she said he’s moved on & I’m just jealous.

    Bonus comment by ex: Everyone thinks I’m the nicest guy in *****town, who’ll believe you?

    • Bonus points when they say this kind of shit with a hideous cold sore pulsating like an emergency beacon.

    • Page,

      I got the bonus comment too! “everyone else thinks I’m a great guy, who will believe you?”

      Everyone else hasn’t been married to him.

  • RIC tagline? – “the marriage ain’t over ‘til the wayward lost in the fog spouse says it’s over” – followed by, “ be a good doormat and you know, worship your abuser while they really f**k you over. (Because the sex is the least of it)

    • So true!! My stbx thinks he’s a nice guy who made a mistake!???? I laughed at him and told him he was less than me because of his crappy character. He’s reply was I disagree. Of course. We just agree to disagree. Narc. Felt so good to put that narc in his place. Well in my mind. ????

      • Laughing at them does feel great. Narcs hate to be laughed at because of their insecurity, which they mask behind centrality and grandiosity. How long has it been since you dumped the creep?

        My cheater admits to being an abusive asshole, but says that doesn’t mean he’s not a nice guy at heart. He think he just “acted against his core values”. Because “addictions” and “issues”. Said dday was his “wake-up call”. Except he still treated me like shit after dday and while insisting he wanted to reconcile. He just didn’t have anyone to cheat with. If he had, he would have done so as soon as he thought he could get away with it.

        They have no core values. Their sole guiding principal is “Do what feels good for me, myself and I”.

        • Unfortunately I did the pick me dance wish I was savvy to narc manipulation but I was shock, a shell of myself, and in denial. Cheater wanted the divorce. Cheater said I have to set u free. I think that was the only truthful thing he said to me during that time of the pick me dance and the marriage counselor had to pull it out of him. Thank goodness for that counselor or I would be watching him eat more cake. Almost a year to d-day.

          Cheater wanted to meet for coffee and discuss the divorce process. That’s when I told him off concerning his lack of character Told him I would never sit down with him because he is a known manipulator and lier. Cheater said so are are lawyers I said maybe but my my lawyer hasn’t fucked me over yet unlike you.

          • Good for you! I’m sorry he was such an asshole. We loved well, just not wisely. The silver lining is that after the education in disordered jerks we got, we will love both well and wisely in any future relationship.

  • While deep in RIC shit, I was googling on how to revive trust after infidelity and found this article where the author was acknowledging all the pain from cheating and her advice was to just grant the unconditional trust again and give the cheater the responsibility to handle it as they see fit. This was based on the assumption that cheaters were confused and misunderstood creatures with FOO and they just needed to be trusted again with added burden of responsibility of treasuring your renewed trust. Bahahaha!

    Laughing at it now, but back then I thought of it as such a noble thing to do and actually repeated the author’s advice verbatim to cheater. He could not even pretend to be touched by this. The confused and cold look in his eyes should have been enough for me. But I danced for a few more months until I found CL.

    • Honestly, (and I don’t want to give too much credit to ex, he is still a jerk) I think ex left me in part because he didn’t feel as if he should be forgiven and he knew I would be better off without him. I am sure he found my willingness to give him another chance pathetic but chose not to take advantage of it. He didn’t care as much as he should have, but he was less of a jerk than he could have been (I was not screwed over financially as many here were and he still makes an effort to be a dad to his kids). #bitchcookieforbeinglessofajerkthanyoucouldhavebeen

    • I will also add that before DDay he evidently mistook my trust in him as me not caring about him or whether or not he would stray. “She should be suspicious and she is not so obviously our relationship doesn’t mean that much to her”. He was quite skilled at interpreting everything I did (or didn’t do) in the most negative way he possibly could. Meanwhile, I was doing the opposite.

      • Ah yes, the Twat could ALWAYS tell me exactly what I was thinking (not)! We could even have major arguments without my opening my mouth but with him playing both starring roles!

      • I was “nosy and controlling” when I asked questions as innocent as “where are you off to” or “when are you travelling for work” or “could you text me when you land” or “how was your work day”. Then I became “not caring and not interested in him” when I stopped asking those questions because I was either not getting any answers from him or was being called controlling, jealous, nagging. You never win.

      • You got that right. That’s what they do to justify their behavior. Every reaction you could possibly have would be percieved in a negative light. There’s no pleasing a cheater.

  • Reconciliation: because who else will want one of the TWO lifelong STDS he gave you?
    Reconciliation: since HE needs someone to take care of him in his old age.
    Reconciliation: now that you know where you stand, you may as well keep standing there.
    Reconciliation: because he has always been nice to ME (said by anyone else but the wife), ergo he is a great guy.
    Reconciliation: your pain makes me uncomfortable.
    Reconciliation: he said he was sorry about his “mistake” (cheating for 40+years), now you need to get over it.
    Reconciliation: you aren’t perfect either. (This one was especially painful as it came from one of our children, Cheater’s best golfing and drinking buddy.)
    Reconciliation: because I did/am doing the same thing and I am a great person. (My response: NO, you most certainly are NOT a great person if you’re doing the same thing!)
    Reconciliation: nah, don’t think so…

    • That tickled me oldcrone: Reconciliation: now that you know where you stand, you may as well keep standing there.

  • Shit sandwiches are an acquired taste. You have to be more “sophisticated” to appreciate them.

  • Reconciliation #weareatacrossroads.

    Not me just u. U fucked that whore and made a life outside of the marriage

    Reconciliation #welivedlifetothefullest .

    Not me just u. U have 2 motorcycles, 1 dirt bike 2 bicycles, 2 cars, 1 van, 2 snowboards, do track days, go on snowboarding trips, mountain bike, road bike, golf, and play racket ball etc. fucked that whore

    But not anymore ???? fuck reconciliation


    • They have no problem taking ALL the benefits of the marriage with none of the commitments. It’s the cake and they deserve it because their feelings are not to be questioned.

  • Reconciliation: You were the cause of the cheating, now grovel.
    Reconciliation: Because telling yourself that children are resilient and that it’s your duty to keep the family together are what’s best for the cheater’s image.
    Reconciliation: Helping cheaters enjoy their sense of entitlement since the dawn of humanity.
    Reconciliation: Because cheaters are misunderstood and need their cake!
    Reconciliation: A life with a cheating liar seems safer than fear of the unknown.
    Reconciliation: Because our Switzerland society says so, and we don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with the truth.

  • Welcome to Reconciliation World: Where Free Will Does Not Exist!

    Population: you, burning in the flames of Hell as you wait for her to choose you!

  • Reconciliation….keeping 2rd rate therapists in business

    Reconciliation……sacrifice your life for the kids (who will think you were an idiot for staying when they are older).

    Reconciliation……because having an intact family is the ONLY good way of living (even if it means someone gets to shit on you and get away with it)

    Reconciliation…..because the suckers who run the seminars will be mad if you get away while they stay stuck with their cheaters

  • RIC: When you’re just too damn negative about everything and need to Learn to Let Go of Your Resentment!

    (Because c’mon, we know it was your negativity that made them cheat in the first place!)

    RIC: Well have you tried losing some weight and wearing some lingerie now and then?

    RIC: It’s not a Midlife Crisis, It’s an Exercise in Defiance of Monogamy!

    RIC: Exercising Exhuberent Excellence in Extramarital Excitement!

  • If your cheater is kind enough to take you back, be grateful and spend the rest of your life tying yourself in knots to please them so they don’t regret it.

    • This is what helped me to kick the hopium habit, realizing that this would be my life if I did in fact win the pick me dance in the end. Better to be the one who got away.

  • Don’t tell anyone what he did because that would be a betrayal of his trust.

      • I got that one too…..and exMIL wanted to spend time with me “So we can go over together what you will tell people about the end of your marriage”. Um no thanks, I think I have it worked out succinctly.
        He lied and cheated on me for years.
        Then I found out.

  • Love without limits ( because boundaries are for bitter bunnies)

  • Monogamy, schmonogamy.

    When you expect monogamy, but get so much more!

    Don’t be bitter, there’s enough of him/her to go around!

    Just because you don’t believe it, doesn’t mean it isn’t truish.

  • “No expectations, no disappointments “ was actually my motto for my marriage. I would say it to myself and I even mentioned it to other people. That way I didn’t have to keep being disappointed when he didn’t keep his word. Because I never really expected him to in the first place.

    My other motto was “can’t be happy or unhappy because no matter what it is it will change.” Whatever stupid and irresponsible thing he was doing, he would soon or later quit that and move on to some other acting out behavior. Whether it was cheating, or getting arrested, or stealing from me, or conning my family members, or defrauding his bank, or not paying his employees, or getting sued again. It was always something different. Likewise, his over the top love bombing attempts wouldn’t last either. He was way over the top after I had our first baby as far as flowers, attention, etc. And then when the baby was two weeks old he just stopped speaking to me for the next several weeks. Whatever it was, good or bad, you knew it would change.

    He had a motto too. It was “I didn’t have a choice.” About anything, ever, and according to him his behavior still isn’t his choice now that we are divorced. He has and will continue to spend his entire adult life fleeing from that adulthood.

  • It is the “they think they are nice guys” that is so crazy making. They seem to believe science got it wrong: they truly seem to believe they are the center of the universe, are omnipotent and infallible. Everything is to revolve around them and they are to be worshipped and unquestioned. – my regret? Ignoring red flags years ago.

    Excellent that you put him in his place!????????????

  • RIC: “Life’s short…keep a cheater! (and he/she wouldn’t have cheated if you had met his/her needs…so let’s talk about how you forced your spouse into someone else’s arms. Affairs are, after all, a symptom of a bad marriage…and it takes two, right? Then, we’ll hear from your wayward to find out what part of the affair worked for him/her and how it made him/her feel (and probably still does). Once you hear about how you are responsible for them getting their needs met with the other person, you need to act ‘as if’…)”

  • RIC: We can transform your marriage into a haven for your exploitation; your cheater will never want to leave!

    RIC: We reframe how you see love…

    L – Lies
    O- Omissions
    V- Venereal Disease
    E – Exploitation

    • Nice! I’m 6 weeks from affair discovery and haven’t filed yet. I’m guessing in a few months I won’t be able to play this bs reconciliation any longer.

      “Now I really love you (because you caught me).” Wtf am I doing.

      • I filed 6 weeks after DDay but it took me another 3.5 months to serve him nightmare times. In the divorce process now. Mediation in 2 weeks.

        You might as well file be the first one to file in an at fault state for adultery. If you must hold on to that and wait to serve her then do that. It may take you a while until you are absolutely ready, like myself. I waited until I had been emotionally battered and bruised, lowest of times, until I knew in my heart there was no way no how it would ever work and even if he came back to me, why would I want that lying cheating backstabbing gaslighting excuse for a husband back? Once I began to see him as NOT husband material I knew it was over

  • “I’m not sure what I want, but if you stick around long enough it *might* be you”
    (Dance, baby, dance!)

  • Reconciliation: If you’ve done it once, you can do it again… and again… and uh, yeah again… and oops, one more time…

  • “Reconciliation: wait 6 months because it takes time to drain all of your accounts and get all of the ducks in a row to f*** you in the divorce”.

    “Reconciliation: because STD tests and antibiotics are no big deal”

    • When our daughter (16 at the time) asked me if we were getting divorced, (I suppose she could feel the tension) and I answered “Yes.” she said, “So you’re going to stop being a doormat, then?” That one really hit me hard. I used to be a doormat. No more.

  • RIC: Just do it. And it. And it over there. No, not there, I didn’t say there. You misunderstood. Why do you always move MY things?

  • Reconciliation: Polish up your pick me polka with porn star sex.

    Reconciliation: Forgiving fucking fuckers who fuck…loving lying liars who lie.

    Betrayal is the new bonding.

    And as a footnote …to think that once upon a time I even for a millisecond considered these options makes me shudder.

  • RIC: “professional” hypotenuse. This game is much more fun with an audience. And chumps always have the checkbook.

  • She was suppose to wait 6 months to make a decision to throw her lying cheating husband out?? Did her husband say, wait, I should not cheat on my wife? Of course he didn’t. The marriage was over as soon as he chose to cheat. She did what was best for her. I am so fed up with our society vitimizing the cheater and making the person who was betrayed the villain. Cheating is just another form of abuse. Why chastise a person for getting out of an abusive relationship?

  • Reconciliation: because he missed giving you a deadly STD the first time.

  • Reconciliation: there’s still a chance! Because he’s only divorced you in his mind.

  • “We can give you a good marriage or a good divorce. Either way, you’re the problem.”

  • A big thank you to the RIC for helping me land my dream job! Shoveling poop daily out of the unicorn barn…hey, at least it’s sparkly…

    • Oh man, this one stings. And it is exactly what most RIC therapists insinuate

  • Those darn expectations. Yes I had expectations of him. He gave me reason to think that he was worthy of those expectations. I expected him to love me for who I am because he asked me to marry him and make it forever and because he promised to love honor and cherish me until death do us part. He knew who I was, warts and all, when he married me. I had nothing hidden. He acted like he loved me. He wanted me to believe it. He did nice things for me. He didn’t openly ogle other women and he had no history of cheating on previous girlfriends. I was not mean to him and I didn’t abuse him. I didn’t even gain that much weight or have health problems (which are no excuse for abandonment if you truly love someone and mean it when you say your vows). I am fundamentally the same person now as I was when we got married if, hopefully, older and wiser and more mature. He had no reason to stop loving me if he ever did, so I had every right to expect that he would continue to treat me with love, respect, fidelity and kindness for the rest of my life or his. Having expectations of him was a compliment. I would not have had those expectations if I had not thought he was capable of living up to them. When my therapist said (and she was a cheerleader for divorce) that cheating is common my response was “I didn’t think my husband was common. I thought he was better than other men”. Well, he didn’t live up to expectations. He’s common after all.

    Meanwhile he had expectations for me too. He had expectations of me that went completely against the core of my being. He never told me what those expectations were before we got married. He thought he could change me afterwards. He had no reason to think that. I never gave him reason to think that, other than the fact that I loved him. Because I loved him I did try to change for him in many ways, but I could only go so far. There are some things I just couldn’t change even when I tried. There were others that I refused to change because it would have caused me emotional or physical harm and it would not truly have benefitted him or the family in any way. One of the most heartbreaking things I had to accept is that he never really loved me for who I was. Evidently he married me for my potential and I failed to live up to that potential in his eyes, so he found someone who was already perfect the way she was (in his messed up world view).

  • Picturing a public service announcement. This is your brain….This is your brain in Wreckonciliation! Just say no.

  • “You can’t put a price on pain, so we at the RIC will do it for you.”

    • Hahahaa!
      RIC infomercial:
      Got a pain in the heart? Then have we ever got a deal for you! Learn the secret of self-blame for the low, low price of $300 an hour. Bonus offer of sexy lingerie for the first ten customers. But wait! There’s more! Call 1-800-BOW-DOWN in the next thirty minutes and and we’ll throw in a genuine imitation wood-grain sustainably harvested hopium pipe just for you. Limited time offer. Act now!

  • Reconciliation: Fringe benefits; the glue that makes a marriage stronger.

    Reconciliation: Alphabet soup; Plan A, B, STD, ME, ME, ME

    Reconciliation: Guilty; i never got to surf.

    Reconciliation: Entitlement

    • OMG, the alphabet soup one! Hilarious!

      I will now refer to reconciliation as Alphabet Soup. I move that it become an official CN term. Who will second the motion?

      • Thanks, Chimperella. Let’s not forget searching for the P’s and Q’s while playing marriage detective.

        • While trying to win him/her back using every sexual act from A to Z.

          A is for anal
          B is for blowjobs
          C is for cunnilingus
          D is for donkey punch
          E is for exhibitionism
          F is for fucking all night long

          and so on..

          • G is for goading
            H is for the high
            I speaks for itself
            J is for jerking off with a condom

            • L is for lying, that’s a given with these idiots
              M is for masturbation (surprise)
              N is for “NO,” not in their vocabulary
              O is for oral sex (and I didn’t wear a dental damn)

  • Read to the tune of Oscar Mayer Bologna song….

    My cheater has a first name, it’s L-Y-I-N-G…
    My cheater has a second name, it’s F-U-C-K-ER…
    Oh I love to RIC it everyday, and if you ask me why I’ll say….
    ‘Cause Lying Fucker has a way with passing-on-the-STD’s.

  • Support Big Pharm! Keep sleeping with your cheater until you catch an STD that requires a prescription.

    RIC: Stay for the Children.

    RIC: the easiest way to reconcile is with a lobotomy

    RIC: In the grand scheme of things, you are but a speck in the universe and your needs inconsequential. Behave accordingly.

  • Reconciliation in 3 Steps:
    1. Act Contrite (even if not)
    2. Confess (at least a little bit)
    3. Be Absolved (by an RIC addicted chump who will hopefully find Chump Nation soon!)

  • I’m not sure if it is possible to react quickly enough when you uncover the cheating. One of the ,many insults to injury is that you are the last to know, the train has left the station and your spouse has been absent in mind and spirit for years with their precious little drama.

    Even if you are a reconciliation believer, along with your solid belief in autism being caused by vaccines, you probably have more chance of winning back the foul sack of shit by showing them who is in control and acting quickly. If you do reconcile, then you get the prize of keeping the same foul sack of shit. Hooray!

  • This is not a tag line,, but just one of many statements made when STBX confessed to the bad thing ( prostitutes,20 years)
    that destroyed our marriage.
    As told to our youngest daughter.
    “I have been unfaithful, but I am not in a relationship”

    Not in a relationship, just fucking sex workers. I am not a bad person.

    • Funny, mine took the opposite view. “at least I never paid for sex” as if that made it all ok.

  • There are so many possibilities: “The kids need their dad. Who else will teach them the art of deception?” OR “Infidelity-your chance for a clean slate.” OR “Learn how to stop being overdramatic-It’s time to move past having your life turned upside down, your career ruined and your bank account drained on lawyer’s fees.” OR “Learn your place in your family- let your kids meet the woman who is so “important” to daddy.” “Why live one life when you can lead two?”

  • RIC because “he’ only human” “he was never going to leave you” “his needs weren’t being met” “there were things I could do better” “It’s not good to snoop” ugh! actually it’s not good to feel the creeping doubt, sinking gut of being deceived – off to re-read a chapter or two of ‘Leave a Cheater Gain a Life” to blow that RIC fog away!

  • “Reconciliation: because everybody is worthy, but your feelings and needs are not worth as much as the cheater’s.”
    “Reconciliation: because self-respect and equality are overrated.”
    “Reconciliation: to fix your marital problems, unless that includes being married to someone who cheats.”
    “Reconciliation: your marriage vows didn’t mean anything, anyway.”

  • It’s not cheating, it’s a noble quest for meaning.

    Use anal to affair-proof your marriage. Ask me how!

    Up your game and he’ll dump the dame.

    First forgive yourself for failing to be sparkly enough. Then apologize.

    Embrace the new and revolutionary concept of Involuntary Polyamory.

    Divorced people become bitter,
    unattractive and die alone.

    True forgiveness should not be conditional on true remorse.

    Marriage is about giving, not giving up. Just give more.

    Happiness is found between a new set of thighs. Make yours seem new again.

    I could go on all day with these. I’ll be merciful and not do that.

    • True forgiveness should not be conditional on true remorse.

      Oh my. My XH did not want to reconcile, would not admit to doing anything wrong, or get counseling, but he continued to say a general sorry for what happened while reminding me he forgave me… couldn’t name a single thing I did wrong, but he forgave me, so I need to forgive him… and her… after all, she’s always so nice to the kids.

  • Reconciliation: an exercise in futility

    Reconciliation: not for the faint of heart

    Reconciliation: where the chump lets timid forest creature run wild with wayward penis searing for strange so as not to frighten them off

    If you were to ask my now deceased cheater he would have said “It’s not cheating if you’re not trying” or “It’s not cheating, it’s a strategy”

    I’m so envious of all the fellow chumps who immediately kicked the cheaters to the curb and got busy gaining a life. I did get temporarily stuck in the RIC and it was time wasted that I can never get back. Even some of the lawyers told me to wait 6 months-WTF! It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the ridiculous things I did during that time. I thank god every day for CL & CN. It was the straight, no-nonsense, verbal 2 x 4 to the back of the head I needed to pull me out of an awful situation. I even gave the website to my therapist at the time. You all helped me more than any therapist ever did. Most days I’m at meh, sometimes I get triggered and still feel angry. I never forgave fuckwit cheater but I forgave MYSELF for staying with him so long & putting up with his abuse.

  • Reconciliation – “Own your 50% in the breakdown of the marriage” – just no.

    • Love this! Why do we have to own 50% of something that we didn’t create?
      It takes two people to make a marriage work – it takes just one to destroy it.

  • Reconciliation site:“ If you want a chance of reconciliation, don’t ask him questions. Give him space”

    Translation- See that huge shit sandwich, that’s the only item on the menu, You have to eat it, there’s a good chance you will choke to death but you gotta eat it. Every single day.

    Thanks to Chump Lady and everyone here- I changed my eating establishment ????

  • Reconciliation Industrial Complex – ‘Join us to keep that horn firmly planted up your ass’
    Reconciliation Industrial Complex – ‘Running Into Concrete, Repeatedly’
    Reconciliation Industrial Complex – ‘Because Nothing Says I Love You Like Herpes’
    Reconciliation Industrial Complex – ‘Rushing Into Codependency’
    Reconciliation Industrial Complex – ‘Running Into Curses’

    I like previous post ‘Raking In the Cash’ best

  • Reconciliation: Because everyone deserves a second, third, fourth and fifth chance!

  • “Are you sure you didn’t know, or that you just didn’t WANT to know?” Actual RIC line.

    Your fault!

  • “It’s not like he killed someone…kids are starving in Africa…climate change is upon us…just get over it!”

    • The “starving kids” but was actually used by my RIC therapist…”you need to put things in perspective, sometimes in a worldly context.” Soooooo, because kids are starving in Africa I should stay with my cheating and abusive husband? That makes sense.

  • Yeah, I hung around until my husband file, nearly six months—six months to give my husband more rope to hang me (and our kids) with—in those months, he racked up the kids’ college funds as he promised he would, I mean the prostitute bill, from our marital assets. I’d like to stick that prostitute bill to all the people who advise ‘Wait six months!’ Can’t pay it? Then they can work full-time well into old age (as I will) to fund now ex-husband’s hooker habit—while ex-husband complains that I cleaned HIM out!

  • Reconciliation: Of every waking hour
    I’m choosing my confessions
    Trying to keep an eye on you
    Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool (REM)

    • Lil RIC had me read love languages too. Also ‘How We Love’. and a few other books. It was like a book a week club. Fired her. Found ‘Leave a Cheater Gain a Life’ when I was RIC-less. Best book ever.

  • Reconciliation: Calling to say I love ???? you from the whores bed because………excitement!

  • A job posting….

    Come join the Reconcilliation Industrial Complex (RIC) where you can use your own self loathing to hurt innocent spouses to make yourself feel better. All you have to do is blame the chump, not the cheater. As an added bonus, you can use that psychology degree you earned (to ensure that people would stop thinking you were crazy to not abort your own horrible relationship) as a means to gaslight the innocent and further their mental abuse.

    So, if you take pleasure in ensuring innocent people are considered the problem, sign up today!

  • I came across at least three family RIC businesses run by cheater/chump duos which claimed to provide unique perspective into the cheater’s mind and advice on chumps’ post DDay behaviour. Chumps’ further actions were assessed by the (supposedly remorseful but proud) cheater who would give recommendations for tweaking the behaviour to their liking (so as not to scare them off and respect their sensitivities). One one blog went as far as answering the chumps’s questions by the husband (cheater in that blog) and the wife (chump) who would then compare notes on their recommendations and rejoice if there were similarities. My mind was in a blender then.

  • This CL post triggered my memory to what an “enlightened” friend of mine told me after discovering my wife had been a serial cheater throughout our 20-year marriage:

    “She didn’t do anything wrong. It’s your faulty belief system that your wife owed you a duty of honesty and fidelity in your marriage that is causing you and your family all this pain. That is a false belief – she had no such duty to you – and if you did not have that expectation you would just forgive her and go on. What’s happening to you is all your fault.”

    I was not enlightened enough to see it that way, and divorced. Never made a better decision.

    • I hope you told this “friend” you had no duty to resist your desire to smack him in the face, and he had no right to expect you to. I hope you then proceeded to bitch slap him silly while assuring him that it was only his faulty belief system that violence is wrong which caused the slap marks on his cheeks. Ah, in a perfect world.

    • Oh, so your pledged wedding vows with your wife didn’t include forsaking all others? Th wasn’t a friend, that sounds more like a infidelity sales rep.

  • Reconciliation: Because You Can Control Other People.

    Reconciliation: When You Miss the Lie So Badly, It’s All Worth It.

  • Reconciliation: Getting a clean slate to do it again.

    Reconciliation: Driving the wrong way on a one way street; it’s too late when you see the headlights.

  • I saw this pithy tag line YESTERDAY on FB. HATE. IT.

    “Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter or broken. Hush until you’re healed.”


  • Reconciliation means them never having to say I’m sorry

    D-Day: The never-ending sequel

    RIC: where you can pretend not to see

    RIC: Trust us, we’re the experts. No, we don’t have reliable stats on that.

    RIC, where your well-being isn’t even on our radar

    • Finding Bliss,
      I love these! Especially “D-day: The Neverending Sequel”
      3 was my limit

      RIC: Cheating therapists now cheating chumps for big bucks!

  • I recently saw a picture of my POS ex and a woman he has gone back to time and time again and he cheats on her constantly. When I saw the picture I asked myself, “How many times can a man cheat on a woman before she loses all sense of self respect?” It is mind boggling why she goes back to him.

    When I look at her all I can think of is she is sad and pathetic with no self respect. Yuck! I don’t feel bad for her anymore. “Stay with a cheater, lose your self-respect ,and watch others start to find you weak, pathetic and gross.”

  • Because you swore in a church you would give him anything HE wanted. Now shut up about what YOU want.

  • Doesn’t the RIC tell chumps to listen to what the cheater says? They love you, you are the best wife, the sexiest partner, greatest woman in bed…Aren’t you HEARING him? Except… they lie, lie,lie.. why in Gods name would you listen to ONE word that is uttered by a confirmed liar and cheater? Not sure why anyone could be talked into that!! but, but… he said.. therefore, it’s clearly Gospel!!! The real truth lies in actions, not BS words. Pay attention!!

  • RIC: If she/he isn’t happy, it’s your job to make him/her happy.

    RIC: because no one likes a Nagging Nellie/Ned

    RIC: for those who prefer spackle to reality

  • It was an honest mistake. I honestly mistakenly took my clothes off and mistakenly jumped into his bed for a year without even realizing what I was doing. That’s why I lied. I wasn’t lying. I was mistaken and you mistook me. Actually, I like the Bill Parcell football quote: you are what your record says you are.

  • “Reconciliation: Even Though his Second Mountain Rose with Her, I will Teach You How to Build a Third Mud-Pie Mountain with Him.”

    “Reconciliation: Eventhough his Character is Questionable, Your Character Will Carry You Both through this Shit-Storm.”

    “Reconciliation: The OW gave him an Oral Yeast Infection; But, Antibiotics Can Clear that Up in a Jiffy.”

    “Reconciliation: Monogamy is Unnatural and It’s Plausibile that He Innocently Used Your Friend’s Vagina to Feel Alive Again.”

    PS: For chumps who want to take their dear, sweet time to hire an attorney, please don’t wait.

    First of all, many attorneys give free consults.

    You might say hiring an attorney right after D-Day is an over-reaction because you might not want to divorce.

    Doesn’t matter.

    Even if you want to stay in your marriage, an attorney will be able to tell you how your cheater can screw you six ways from Sunday. An attorney will tell you how this will go down IF you choose to stick your head in the sand. An attorney will help you make a pro-active plan. Attorneys are YOUR FRIENDS.

    But, you love your cheater and can’t hire an attorney ….


    Still doesn’t matter. Knowledge is POWER. You must be armed with knowledge, even if you don’t want to use it.

    But, in these situations, please love yourself more than you love the cheater. If you love yourself more, you will be in a position of power and you will save yourself a tremendous amount of mistreatment in the name of “loving your cheater.”

    Hiring an attorney arms you with the knowledge you need, even if you don’t act on it.

    • Funny how the RIC people are like “even googling about the D-word will doom your marriage forever!” “Don’t do anything irreversible!”

      1.) Divorce is pretty reversible until one of you dies, so assuming the cheater really is going to Unicorn their way back into the marriage after cheating, there’s no reason they can’t do it after you’ve seen a lawyer.

      2.) “Don’t do anything to your marriage that you can’t undo?” You know, that’s great advice, it really is. Funny how it didn’t occur to you lot to tell someone else like, ohIdon’tknow, THE CHEATER that?

  • Give the cheater privacy. You don’t deserve to know what’s going on in your life.

  • RIC:

    Don’t do anything rash just because he gave you one.

    The Truth takes time. That’ll be $150 & I’ll see you same time next week.

    Because if you walk you’ll never know this is the ‘Best Thing That Ever Happened to you!!

  • Happy ending $75
    Hooker $250
    Wreckonciliation attempt $8000
    Karma bus running over the fucker PRICELESS!

  • “Sometimes outsourcing a bit of sex can be good for a marriage.”
    I didn’t have to think of a tag line, just quoted our MC…

    • Yikes – thats horrible. It is an MC – doesn’t he/she accept that sex is an intimate thing among two people and something someone can outsource out. Yikes.

  • Actually, in my opinion…the no expectations no disappointments line is correct. The RIC has just misplaced this step. This step comes after you have lawyered up and left the cheater. You can’t have any expectation that the cheater will do the right thing, such as follow the divorce decree, provide a fair settlement, or be a decent parent. If you do have those expectations you run a greater risk in being disappointed.

  • When he says reconciliation he means “we can try to fix this” but really means “I want to mindfuck you and fuck her at the same time…because I can”.

    When I say reconciliation , I mean “see you in court, Fuckface”. I really meant “see you I court, Fuckface… and I told the repo guy where your Corvette was”.

    Try and mindfuck the repo guy and see how far you get. Moron.

  • In my experience with reconciliation, the chump is still there in person100% , but most of the time only 35% in mind and heart. It’s not what’s said, it’s often what isn’t said.

  • RIC:Because their affair was your fault!

    RIC:ask not what they can do for you, but what you can do for them.

    RIC: don’t rush a good decision

    RIC: understanding the devil you got

    RIC: Don’t rock the boat

    RIC: Because we all make mistakes.