The Universal Bullshit Translator is a balky, vain old thing. It often requires coaxing to fire up the ol’ transponders.
Sometimes it warms to the task. Nothing like a drunken ex sext to set its carburetor humming. But unfortunately, when offended, it resists me.
“NOOooo! Not another Esther Perel discourse on the exquisite unbearableness of captivity!”
The bullshit piles up…
However, the UBT is bewitched by song. You want to flatter its rusty little quarter panels? Serenade it.
A few of its favorites are “Stairway to Divorce Court” and “My Funny Psychopath” — but to truly tickle its chipper shredder, it enjoys a made-up song about itself.
Put another way — the UBT works for ???????????????? kibble tunes ????????????.
So our Fun Friday challenge is to write songs about the UBT!
Maybe it will fire up its engine for the next Fluff-Po listicle, or swallow a Modern Love column whole. Hummmmm….
TGIF!
UBT,
The shit you eat is universal
Produced by cheaters with no rehearsal.
I’d like to scrape and wipe you clean.
But then who would untangle the skein.
Thank you for being so witty!
You help me eat my sandwich-shitty.
I gulp the genius you produce.
I raise my glass for you – you are my MUSE!
This is awesome! And so on the fly! Props. Wow.
I concur…major Props!
Thank you, Tracy, for all you do!
I cant compete, I can only bow to your brilliance, LTC.
Work from home today, UNM!
DS11 is with his dad these two weeks who is visiting and staying with his mom next door building. I don’t know when the f** he would be leaving the country (hopefully 1-2 weeks) because I miss my son. But he came home yesterday and is a bit under the weather today, so we are both home and I am on a blast!
LTC – You are amazing!
Standing ovation, LTC!!
Can I woo it with simple poetry, the sort a cheater would spew to a dumsel in distress?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Nothing compares
to translating cheater-speak like you
Hm. I’d encourage the UBT to battle cheater-speak by crooning slightly modified versions of old favorites from the 80s:
“I Can’t Fight This Feeling (That I Want To Leave Your Sorry Ass)”
“Don’t Speak (To Me. Ever. Again. I Mean It)”
“Baby Got Back (To Her Married Boyfriend)”
“White Wedding (To Her Affair Partner? That’s Rich. Snort)”
“Don’t Stop Believin’ (That I Find You Pathetic)”
“Once In A Lifetime (Is More Than Enough For Anyone To F*ck You)”
“Love Is A Battlefield (And You Are Bottomless Crater Of Deceit and Selfishness)”
Brilliant!! (clap) (clap)
????????????????????????Deafening applause
And…
“In Your Eyes” (Your sociopathic dead eyes)
“Every breath You Take” (Is Just Oxygen for your Next Lie)
“You give Love a Bad Name” (No add-on. You actually give love a bad name)
Great concept UXWorld…
Sorry, meant Nomar. You both always make great comments. I mix you up sometimes!
Just as long as Tracy doesn’t . . .
True Colours (yes everyone can see them now, idiot)
Don’t Dream it’s Over (it actually IS over, your ass is on the curb, idiot)
Careless Whisper (I know your passwords idiot)
Take On Me (and my kickass lawyer, idiot)
(Might as we’ll face it you’re) Addicted to Strange
Don’t you Want Consequences Baby?
I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Trustworthy)
And bless Fleetwood Mac for nailing it without modifications:
Go Your Own Way
never Going Back Again
Don’t Stop
You helped me see his real side:
The cheater’s shine was a sparkly turd!
You eat that shit and help us rise.
In your translations are clear skies.
Your catalogue of shit is rich.
And sometimes you may come with a glitch.
How much oil would be enough
To help digest their shit and bluff?
I dream you’d swallow cheaters in full.
And send them to the shmoopies’ pool.
They’d swim in their own shit
While I delight in your wisdom and wit.
To you, UBT!
Ha! I’d normally comment to my son (11) to not use redundant and repetitive words in two consecutive sentences in his school work. But it does not count here! Shit and shit and shit!
I’m so sad, he’s moving in with her…….. cheats while I’m pregnant and continues to see her and now that the divorce is getting close they are moving in together…. he gets happiness and someone to hold at night and I get my cold lonely bed and the job of full time mom…..
And he thinks after all this I would still want to have sex with him! He’s moving in with his girlfriend! Why would I sleep with him!
Oh hey, that was me six months ago!
Get out, Heartbroken. Don’t play the pick me dance or sleep with him. (I did that, it only made me feel worse about myself.)
You can find some solace in the fact that if he’s still trying to sleep with you while moving in with with Schmoopie, their relationship is off to a stellar start!
Seriously though, just get away. My ex was totally ok with ignoring that he was a new dad and has ditched our baby. It hurt in a way I could never describe, but getting out and going no contact has been my life saver. Get a lawyer, make him pay child support, and don’t talk to him otherwise. I cannot stress enough how much better off I’ve been since not talking to the fucker.
Yeah I won’t sleep with him, I guess I just feel lonely. I’m glad you are doing better!! It’s a tough road to go down and I’m trying my best. I just with he never did any of this.
Dear Heartbroken, (((hugs)))!
About three years ago I was heartbroken too! I would cry and say “but I love him!”. Mine did not move in with anybody (he is confused as he has too many and he is not the co-habitator type in general) but it did not diminish my pain. He was unavailable to me, I was not good enough (ever as a woman) but a great wife appliance so he ate the cake.
We have been separated since but still working on the legal paperwork (he lives out of country and plays hard to catch). I saw him a year ago and he drove me nuts in the children’s playground where I totally lost my temper and went on screaming at him. I was still consumed with pain. Then I saw him a couple of weeks ago. I joked, I teased, I was funny and charming – I DID NOT CARE! And it bothered him visibly.
Looking at him and not seeing his face and body, but his X-ray picture, completely took the pain away. After I learned of the three channels of mindfuck here, I saw the light. He only flips through those three. He is still trying in various ways to get me back. Not because he loves me – he never did and I am not sure he is capable of loving anyone. But because I was a great kibble, provided nice facade, and was a working wife appliance on many fronts. So he would put on a charming face, and as it wouldn’t work, he’d turn into a passive-aggressive mode bordering with rage, and as it does not work, he’d be back to charm. Sad-sausage is now switched off with me but he constantly uses that channel with our son giving him a guilt feeling.
I am saying all this so you know this: you miss the idea of him, the “what you thought of him”, but not him actually. He is a person capable of hurting a pregnant woman, a mother of his child, and not caring. It’s enough for you to know that he does not love you, never loved you, and is not capable of loving any person in the world. What you see now is the facade of happiness. They want to throw this in your face, make you jealous, sparkle with happiness so that they convince everybody that their destructive choice was right. It’s not the real feeling of happiness. Their bodies might be giving warmth to each other while you sleep in your cold bed, but you have your child and they KNOW they sleep with lier next to them.
Your pain will recede. We all have been there. I am just coming out on the other side emotionally even though we stopped living together 3 years ago. Just be patient with yourself and keep reading. This is my new Bible and has been since Oct 2016 when I discovered CL.
Hugs to you, be strong!
LongTimeChump
Those are beautiful words you wrote to Heartbroken.
I want to be a second voice here, I feel the need.
I was a pregnant Chump who pick me danced and cheater stayed. ( I believe the reason was he did not have the guts to tell ow that wife appliance was pregnant- she already felt bad about taking him away from our three year old child).
It has never been easy, the following years.
I come here to encourage new Chumps to leave the cheater, gain a life.
I understand your pain Heartbroken, but please be like LongTimeChump. She and other brave Chumps will guide you.
Feel the warmth, wrap yourself in the love, kindness, and understanding of CN. You are so deserving.
????cherish your precious child.
Stay here with us. You will make it through.
Do he’s offering to cheat on the ow with you. Clearly he’s chronic.
What would you advise your daughter? Your sister? Your mother?
Hold your head up. Feel your feelings but take pride even in your pain. You will rise again. Stay here with us. One day you will pay it back to another chump.
That’s a very good point, Mandie101. When I don’t know how to act I always ask myself how I would advise my friend in a similar situation.
I actually have a school-time friend who put on her chump shoes from day one of her marriage and is still wearing them (over 25 years, many lovers and heart breaking moments and 2 grown sons later). I used to scream with frustration at her every time she left him and then went back. In our mid thirties when I was married already she told me that “all men have side pieces and that it’s in their nature and that I just should accept it.” I recall I almost fought with her trying to make my point that MY HUSBAND WOULD NEVER CHEAT. hahaha!
I don’t know if her husband turned into a unicorn after they tragically lost their youngest son at 18. Her life went upside down after the tragedy and she just does not have any power to fight. She came to her own faux-peace accepting the shit from her cheater husband and it pains me to see her going from bad to worse. But this is the major difference between us: I have been yelling at her to leave her cheater, while she has been trying to persuade me to stay in my marriage because all men are cheaters but they fundamentally love their wives.
I recall some kind of psychology study I read about where the subjects going through various life adversities were asked to advise other people going through similar difficulties on the best course of action. It then actually helped the subjects to deal with their own stuff as the advice they gave to others helped shed light on their own situation and they could see it from the third-party perspective. I have been training myself to do this.
Sweetheart, get a heating pad to keep the bed warm. It’s more dependable than your STBX.
And someone to sleep with? I sleep with my girls, 8 and 10. We watch movies on the flat screen in my bedroom from my big king sized bed and we snuggle at night together, falling asleep to classical piano music played on Pandora. In the morning, I change it to something zippy and we wake up happy.
You don’t need the warmth of a horny toad in your bed.
Ha. I told my ex he could take the F#&*-ing marital bed when he was splitting up our stuff to leave. He took most of the master bedroom furniture, which I was fine with. I re-did the entire room and bought a king-sized bed, finally turning it into the oasis I had been wanting for years. Now, my kids love movie night on the weekend in mommy’s room on my flat screen. My son with autism always says that he has the best sleeps in mommy’s bed.
I figure I only have a few more years left to do this before it becomes creepy, so I’m milking it as long as I can.
#BestSleepoversEver
She got a liar, cheater, fraud, traitor, and a BIG VAT OF SPACKLE and you think she WON? No no no, dear Heartbroken. YOU won. She does NOT get genuine happy.
I thought my husband was a diamond. He is a frosted turd. I don’t want a frosted turd! I want a diamond! YOU are on the true path to genuine happiness….impossible to get there with a con artist. She gets to cuddle up to Frosted Turd and gets to wonder if he’s cheating on her!
My frosted turd has already cheated on Lower Companion. I win!
PS….posted before, to the tune of “Spider-Man”….
Cheaterman, Cheaterman!
Does whatever a cheater can!
Spins a lie!
Any size!
Catches ho’s!
Just like flies!
Lookout!
Here comes the Cheatermaaaaaaaan!
????
UBT took the RIC and shredded it to smithereens.
When we got there, what did we see?
Chump Nation of the Universe in ecstasy.
UBT, RIC
CNU, XTC
XTC, UBT
WTF, RIC
RIC, UBT, CNU … X– T– C
Uno! dos! One, two, tres, quatro . . .!
Chumpy told CN ’bout a thing she spied,
Tracy said “Translate” — UBT replied:
“Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”
“Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”
Chumpy told CN, “Something’s just not right . . .”
UBT responded, rousing sheer delight:
“Wooly bullshit, Wooly bullshit!”
“Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”
Chumpy told CN, “Something’s wrong with me . . .”
Sanity delivered, via UBT:
“Wooly bullshit, Wooly bullshit!”
“Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”
Amazing!!! Truth!
These r great!!!!!
After all the five star meals that are feeding the UBT today, I’m really embarrassed with my little junk food dorito here.
But I want to acknowledge the UBT and the way it always makes me brave and smile and laugh till my sides split and realize that life is good.
Oh! You better not rage, you better not lie
Better not spill your sadz, I’m telling you why
The UBT is coming to town
He knows when you are cheating
He knows when you’re eating cake
He knows when you are mindfucking
So give us chumps a laugh for goodness sake!
Hahaha! Brilliant, Clearwaters! I was actually singing to the tune!
My favorite Christmas song for this year:)
Everyone says they love you
They kiss your ass
You are so vain you think it is true
They work for you, you ass
She said she loves you
She kissed your ass
You are so vain you think it is true
She works for you, you ass
I said I loved you
I kissed your ass
You are so vain you never thought I would leave
I left you and your sorry ass!!
Lovely @Chumptastic!
…and it’s inspired me to use your “she loves you” and “ass” to twist The Beatles “She Loves You” into this :
She loves you, yeah, yeah, riiight
She loves you, yeah, yeah, riiight
And with a love like that, you’ll soon be out on your ahh-ass
You said that we were through
But you only met her yesterday
20 years I spent with you
But “you never loved me anyway”
She said she loves you, but right now you’re having a Sadz
She said she loves you, while she’s dating two other dads — oooooo
She loves you, yeah, yeah, riiight
She loves you, yeah, yeah, riiight
And with a love like that, you’ll be alone in a dingy flat
And with a love like that, my lawyer’s going on the attack
And with a love like that, my friends always thought you’re a prat
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…
* flat (br) = apartment (us)
An Ode to the UBT!
Oh UBT, you helped me to see
A brand new life, cheater free
With the myriad of bullshit lies
Your snark was there to open my eyes
Oh UBT, please translate for me
All the crap behind infidelity
When my life imploded
And my dreams exploded
You were there in the morning
And your wit was discerning
Oh UBT, please translate for me
All the crap behind infidelity
Four years later I’m still here
Reading your posts,which leads me to cheer
All your help with my strife
Resulted in my gaining a life
Oh UBT, please translate for me
All the crap behind infidelity
My only sorrow these days
Is all the new faces that come our way
Their horrendous hurts that once were mine
Remind me of a much darker time
Oh UBT please help me to see
A way to help others who need it desperately
Thank you UBT and Chump Lady – I am here because of you.
WOW!!! Love it!
So much truth!
I love this so much. Well done, WhoamInow!!!
whoami I love it!!! Everyone is so clever. I found CL and CN just 6 months ago. It has saved my life and also became my bible. Thank you everyone its because of all your comments and the UBT that my fog is lifting. Love you all!!
Awww!
You guys are so funny and distracting! I’m laughing on the bus and missed my stop!
All hail the UBT!
Well…
You know you make me wanna (Pack!)
Pack my heels up and (Leave!)
Leave your cheating ass and (Throw!)
Throw my middle finger up and (LEAVE!)
Come on now (BYE!)
Don’t forget to say you will
Never call me again
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(I’m divorcing you)
You know, you make me wanna LEAVE
If I could dance to this I would!
A little bit LOUDER now! A little bit LOUDER now!
Say you will!
Love it! Isley Bro. rule!
…….and I will always love you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you
Yes my ex wife had me and seven boyfriends
Lol! They think that they are soooo special
hahaha! Mine had me (wife), love of his life (ex-gf married cheater OW), tinder girls, and a side piece in each country he went for business trips. My math skills are not sufficient to count them all!
I stopped counting and gained a life!
My ex was into dating websites and porn and cybersex and hookups, and I don’t even know what else because he claims to be a sex addict. This could have been his anthem. Gave me a good chuckle!
HE TOOK ME
He was a sex machine
Treated his wife so mean,
He was the best damn liar that I’ve ever seen
He had dysfunctional ties, kept in all in disguise
Knocking me out with those Gargantuan lies
For her he cared, our intimacy he shared
He thought I was dumb, but I no longer cared
Our walls were shaken, my heart was breaking
He said nothing was happening, but he was faking
He took me all those years!
Yeah, he really took me!
I’m head banging right now, hahaha love it!
ZZ Twat?
AC/DB Douche Bag
I love you UBT! I love you! I do!
From a fan
From Les Mis
“Do you hear the UBT sing? Singing the song of angry chumps. It is the music of a people who will not be chumped again. When the prancing unicorns, echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes.” Leave a Cheater. Gain a life.
“It is the music of a people who will not be chumped again.”
I love this line, so true!
That’s great 🙂 !
Great choice – a stirring anthem. Wonderful!
Pink Floyd
Welcome to the Machine
Welcome my Chump, welcome to the UBT machine
Where have you been?
It’s alright we know where you’ve been
You’ve been at divorce court, documenting grievances
Provided with power and ‘scouting for Meh’
You brought a grey rock to punish your ex
And you didn’t like marriage polic, and you
Know you’re nobody’s fool
So welcome to the UBT machine
Love it!
Spot on Mix!
Love it!!
I’d like to write a short ballad
Dedicated to cheater’s word salad.
UBT does the work,
with a scoff and a smirk
So I stamped cheater’s free pass “invalid”.
Song: ‘You Tell Me That I’m Falling Down’ by Linda Ronstadt 1975
Album: Prisoner In Disguise
(some of the) Lyrics:
you tell me that I’m falling down
a drifter with no role
you tell me that I need a friend
to help me take control
well let it be I’m not alone
I’m only lonely see
and you can’t tell me where to go
or what or who to be
I am exactly what I am
and not the way you’d like to see me be
I look outside long as I can
then close my eyes and watch
my world unfold before me
I’m very used to feeling sad
It doesn’t make me cry
and yes I do know how to love
so what you say’s a lie
Long time lurker, first time poster here. My screen name is derived from the last anniversary gift my asshat threw at me 2 weeks before DDay in 2017. It was a plush of the skunk himself, who uttered his famous tagline when squeezed. Wikipedia describes Pepe Le Pew as being “constantly in search of love and appreciation”. He kept telling me he needed to feel loved and appreciated after he dropped the bomb. How fitting. His OW that he would have left me for turned out to be a scammer, so he didn’t actually run off with anybody. He did tell me he was angry that she lied to him. Oh, the hypocrisy! We got divorced in February, exactly 20 years to the day we got married. So our anniversary is now my Freedom Day. I couldn’t resist this challenge, because I love to make up songs sung to the tune of actual songs. I have a great one called Mr. No Napper from when my son was a baby, sung to the tune of Mr. Bojangles.
Not my best work, but sing this to the tune of Puff The Magic Dragon (roughly)
UBT the trans-la-tor
Lives on my screen
And swallows all the shitty bits of
In-fi-del-i-ty
Little Sparkly Fuckwit
Now has lost his sheen
I see him now for what he is
Not what was in my dreams
So now I’d like to thank you
For all you’ve done for me
Your mighty roar and wit galore
Has helped to set me free!
By sheer coincidence, I found out from my lawyer my divorce was final 17 years to the day we got engaged.
If only we had had a crystal ball!
Hey Pepe, mine also was “in search of love and appreciation” and also angry with his AP for her lies (she was cheating on him, hahaha!, besides being married to her chump husband), and so he also did not end up with anybody.
I wasted the first year or two post DDay on trying to untangle the skein, blame myself for being “not enough” and “not appreciative”, thinking how I could have reversed this whole thing if only I did this or that (or did not do this or that). Pretty useless once you start getting it. They all are the same, reading from the same script, acting in the same shitty ways and it does not really matter if I was the shittiest wife, woman, partner, whatever. Which I was not. And I get it now, thanks to CL and my tribe here.
This one goes out to the women of CN. To be sung to the tune of,I can’t fight this feeling anymore.
And I can’t dance like Schmoopie anymore.
I’ve forgotten what I started dancing for.
It’s time to shove the cheater out the door,
Congratulate the whore
Cause I can’t dance like Schmoopie anymore!
Pepe Le Pew, nice job!! Man, your anniversary gift really sucked big time. Strangely he was telling you who he was with a stuffed animal. My ex took me out to see a movie when we were “working on our marriage”. He picked the movie. The movie was, “This is Where I Leave You”. The movie is about a man who finds out his wife is having an affair with his friend. A few weeks after we saw the movie, he said he wanted a divorce.
When I packed up my stuff and moved out with our kids, I left behind a copy of this movie for him to watch with his whore.
Thanks for posting and that’s great you can now look at your wedding anniversary as your day of freedom now!
LMAO he really was telling me he was a skunk! It sounds like your ex was shamelessly telegraphing his next move. It’s like they get a sick satisfaction out of it.
Good for you for throwing that movie back in his face. We “worked on our marriage” for a bit as well. Of course, his cheating just went undergound, complete with a burner phone this time. He went off to rehab twice for being a porn/sex addict, and I stood by him because that’s what chumps do. Thanks to CL and CN I’m no longer ashamed for not kicking him to the curb immediately. I’m deep and real, he’s so deep he’s a bottomless pit who lived a double life. Good riddance!
You are super mighty, Pepe, for kicking him to the curb! And yes, I agree that they get a sick satisfaction out of showing us their next move when we have no clue what’s going on. Only the character disordered would do such a thing. Good riddance is right!
Plenty good enough. Sorry you’re here, but glad you’re coming out of the shadows.
Thank you, you guys are my tribe.
Also nicely done Pepe!
A little Peter, Paul, and Mary for the UBT
This is awesome! Welcome Pepe!
Sing a song of the UBT,
A pocket full of fakes.
Four and twenty exuberant affairs,
Wallowing in cake.
When the cake was sadly done,
Chump revenge was only sweeter;
Wasn’t that a dainty finale,
To set before the Cheater?
The Cheaters had been riding unicorns,
Flinging lies faster than the UBT can spit.
The Chump had been in the gaslit dark,
Eating sandwiches of shit.
The OW/OM were in the wings,
Pick-me dancing on their skanky toeses;
When down flew the righteous UBT
To peck off their lying noses.
Enter the Fearless Tracy Schorn,
Beloved founder of Chump Nation;
She gazed at what she and UBT had made,
And modestly basked in her standing ovation!
I’ll be humming that all afternoon!!!
You are too kind! But it’s the UBT, not me. 😉 Great rhymes!
When we find a bunch of Huff-Po cheater agitprop,
Or a e-mails from Other Women seeking to make the pain stop,
We turn to you, UBT, we turn to you.
When we get texts saying we’re fat, ugly, or loud,
Or when the other woman explains why she stalks us in a crowd,
We turn to you, UBT, we turn to you.
[Bridge]
All the crap we get is so false, so mean, so meant to mess with our heads
It’s easy to to feel lost and not want to get out of our beds,
But you make it funny, and remind us we’ve got worth,
And then it doesn’t hurt-
We thank you, UBT, we thank you.
Brilliant!
Points for rhyming “agitprop”!
More of a poem than a serenade…but my musical skills are zero. Still, I had to express my gratitude to the awesome power of the UBT
UBT – A Love Letter to the Power of Snark
U is for the umpteen times you’ve helped us
B is for the burdens you’ve relieved
T is for the truth that you’ve uncovered
Beneath the piles of Double-Speak received.
U taught us how to cut through useless garbage
Be strong and find the truth within each heart
To jettison Perel’s malicious nonsense
And gather strength from our collective SNARK.
I love this!
I’m so in love with the UBT
He speaks truth and he speaks to me
The peals of laughter are my currency
To buy the love of my sweet UBT
He takes down all the Perelist hacks
Chumps are grateful that he has our backs
Eager for each new anti-narc attack
Hey UBT, wanna hit the sack?
I feel as though the UBT is the weapon of truth, light and an antidote to “I Feel Like I’m Drowning” written by Bill Dess, Zachary William Dess. A song that sums up betrayal.
You keep dreaming and dark scheming
Yeah, you do
You’re a poison and I know that is the truth
All my friends think you’re vicious
And they say you’re suspicious
You keep dreaming and dark scheming
Yeah, you do
I feel like I’m drowning
I’m drowning
You’re holding me down and
Holding me down
You’re killing me slow
So slow, oh-no
I feel like I’m drowning
I’m drowning
You’re so plastic and that’s tragic
Just for you
I don’t know what the hell you gonna do
When your looks start depleting
And your friends all start leaving
You’re so plastic and that’s tragic
Just for you
I feel like I’m drowning
I’m drowning
You’re holding me down and
Holding me down
You’re killing me slow
So slow, oh-no
I feel like I’m drowning
I’m drowning
My life’s okay
Yeah, just when you’re not around me
My life’s okay
Just when you’re not around me
My life’s okay
Just when you’re not around me
My life’s okay
I feel like I’m drowning
I’m drowning
You’re holding me down and
Holding me down
You’re killing me slow
So slow, oh-no
I feel like I’m drowning
I’m drowning
I have been playing this on repeat with flora cash’s you’re somebody else……
Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat” Cover:
OUR UBT
See the cheaters walking down the street
Texting Schmoopie thinkin’ that their sweet-
They don’t know where they’re want to go
But our snark is on time…
Our U-B-T
Our U—B—T
Our U-B-T
Yeah, our UBT!
See the chumps all laughing at the fools,
They can’t wait to see how Tracy rules,
Hang around and laughing on the site
That’s when they crack up in time-
Our U-B-T
Our U—B—T
Our U-B-T
Yeah, our UBT!
(*Everybody out of your seat)
(clap-clap. clap)
(Dance around house to surf guitar solo)
Such an 80’s baby.
LOVE this! I am singing along.☺☺
Yeah, our UBT!
Awesome! 🙂
LOL!
The UBT is too young to remember, but the first concert I ever went to was the Go-Gos… 1983 I think. Pine Knob (outside Detroit).
^Yes- so many great memories at Pine Knob.
I grew up at 13 mi/Rochester in RO.
With apologies to KISS.
Stand up, you don’t have to be afraid
Here comes the bullshit like a hurricane
No fear, it’s the UBT’s food chain
Better believe it, yeah
UBT will always represent
And Chump Nation sets a new precedent
Rock on, UBT for president!
‘Cause I love it
Loud UBT it loud
Right between the eyes
Loud UBT it loud
Don’t want no compromise
KISS, “I Love It Loud”
Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling, UBT
I’d be lost and gone forever, dreadful married, UBT
In the spackle, in the dancing, and bonding hysterically
I lived with cheater forty-niner and my schmoopie niece seventeen
Yes I loved him, how I loved her, and believed they both loved me
Until I sent their lying words to the genius UBT
Now you’re lost and gone forever, dreadful Uncle Woody
And the karma bus has stopped for you thanks to Chump Lady
this is a beauty, Mehamorphosis!
Love it!
<3
You’re some kind of mighty. The gallows humor/horror of Schmoopie niece 17. That story never gets less awful.
Mehtamorphosis….
My story is so nastily similar to yours. WASband 49 but at least niece was an “adult” of 21. I believe he made this choice because he knew this would be something I would not and could not ignore and it would bring us quickly to the firey final crash of our 18 year marriage. My initial DD w AP was 5 years ago but I chose to stay mostly to recoup financially from the previous 13 year wreck he made of our lives (slow learner anyone?). Past couple years I could no longer hide my disdain and lack of respect for him and the victim mentality, passive-aggressive, liar (about everything…his lips were moving there were lies woven in) he is. Niece didn’t live with us, but her mother came to sweet WASband Dr Honey seeking help for niece who was struggling with alcohol (WASband had been to rehab “successfully” and as a medical professional would have nieces best interest at heart and could help get appropriate care for niece). Yep…you know what’s coming next. “Let’s go to the cabin to relax in the calming, happy, healing place it is and get a plan to help you dear niece”. But let’s get you a couple bottles of wine to help said relaxing…
hummmm, am I confused about that pesky oath of “first do no harm” that Dr Honey took as an MD. And the raging UTI she got as a parting gift after all the relaxing that went on.
The depths of disgust that disordered, entitled cheaters stoop to never ceases to amaze me. Once I found out he was kicked out, he went ProSe and I (along with guidance from my atty) negotiated and completed divorce in 4 months – final late Jan. He is a complete and total POS. I am 350 lbs lighter (yes you read that right…DrHoney likes fast food and the alcohol he drinks is not ‘skinny girl’ recipe). I could not imagine anyone having a story similar to mine…it is so heinous. But thanks for the shining light of CL and Tracy’s book I am moving forward with fewer rough days and more and more hope for a healthy and happy future.
3fiddy,
I’m sorry you had to deal with a family fucker. They’re the lowest of the lowest. Bazooka Jane is 20 now and still living with Uncle Woody, so it’s hard for my family to get to meh, especially my brother. However, I know a healthy and happy future is waiting for you if you go out and grab it. I have moved on to a happy new life in every way — new job, new love, new dream home in another part of the country. Some day maybe I’ll send the infidels a thank you card. Or go spray paint a thank you message on the former marital dream house where they cohabitate.
THANK YOU EX AND NIECE
YOU COUPLE OF LYING CHEATS
FOR MAKING ME SO VERY HAPPY
THAT I LEFT YOU AND GAINED ME
cheaters in the night – exchanging pantses
wondering in the night – what were the chances
they’d be spewing bull before the night was through…
Something in their words was so enraging
with steaming piles of poo – I’d be engaging
Something in my heart, told me I must have you..
Translator in the night – you saved me from the mindfuck
later in the night – you showed me bravery with upchuck
Translator in the night you showed me
Meh was just a glance away, a crazy fearless prance away
and ever since that night, I am so bull-proof
from universal blight, I can be aloof
now I’m full of fight, thanks to translator … in the.. night!
OMG, dying here with laughter!
Hahahahaha!!!!
Mindfuck/upchuck FTW!
Who can take the bullshit
Sprinkle it with dew
Cover it with snark
And a miracle or two?
The UBT
The UBT can
The UBT can ‘cause she mixes it with snark
And makes the chumps feel good
Who can take the sparkles
And the pick-me dance
Change the mindfuck channel
And pull down the cheater’s pants?
The UBT
The UBT can
The UBT can ‘cause she mixes it with snark
And makes the chimps feel good
From time to time a time will come
When making sense just can’t be done
And chumps like us will come appealing to ya
You fight the fight, you right the wrong
We sing your praises in this song
And all the chumps are singing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
My apologies to the late great Leonard Cohen.
The UBT is so happy now!! this is balm to its tear rusted gears!
It’s positively humming.
I guess you have to know the melody to make it work, but I was singing all day.
Boogie Chillin’ (since I gained a life)
The Thrill is Gone (how does one remove an ankle bracelet?).
Dust My Broom ( ho’s looking)
Ball N’ Chain (she’got the key)
Up Where We Belong
(sung in my best Joe Cocker/Jennifer Warnes voices)
Who knows what tomorrow brings
In a world of chumps and cheaters too
All we know is the way we feel
When you clarify the crap that idiots spew
The road to Tuesday…is long
There are mountains of bullshit in our way
But turds don’t sparkle once you’ve had your say
You lift us up where we belong
Where no unicorn flies
Because you call out the lies
You lift us up where we belong
Far from the shit below
To where meh breezes blow
These Are Why We Rely On UBT
to the tune of ” These are a Few of My Favorite Things”
Burner cell phones
and lack of affection
Gaslighting tactics and no introspection
Sex toys and VDs and lost wedding rings
These are why we rely on UBT
Unexplained spending and absence of scruples
Phone calls and emails
And rejection that’s cruel
Hopium that de-fies our re-al-ity
These are why we rely on UBT
Girls in the bars with black liner and lashes
Alcohol binges that show who the ass is
Facebook fake friendships that turn into flings
These are why we rely on UBT
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my UBT
And then I don’t feel so bad
Best one yet!!!!
Excellent! “Alcohol binges that show who the ass is
Facebook fake friendships that turn into flings”
???????????? brilliant!
Orgasm Addict ( it’s a labor of love fucking yourself to death). uh, huh, uh, uh.
Rise Above (we are tired of your abuse; try to stop us ; it’s no use.
I wanna be sedated: (isn’t that why the toad looked like a dream girl?) )
I got a six pack and nuthin to do. I got a six pack and I don’t need you!
My cheater husbands theme song while he sits in the garage night after night texting Schmoopie.
Another One (Cheater) Bites the Dust
Oh, Let’s Go!
Mr. Sparkles walk warily down the street, Tinder hookups everywhere
Ain’t no sound, but the sound of his keyboard taps, multiple personas ready to go.
Are you ready, are you ready for this?
Are you ready for your husband to cheat?
Out of the doorway the UBT rips,
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I’m gonna get you, too
Another one bites the dust
How do you think I’m going to get along
Without you when you’re gone?
You took me for everything that I had
And kicked me out on my own
Are you happy, are you satisfied?
How long can you stand to cheat?
Doesn’t matter to me now, got a new life
And my lawyer has got you beat.
YEAH…
Oh UBT
There are plenty of ways that you can speak the truth
And Chump Lady shines the light
You can leave him, you can beat him
You can leave a cheater and gain a life… you can!
So I’m ready, yes, Tuesday, I’m ready for you
I’m standing on my own two feet
Meh is around the corner and my kids are doing great
Have fun with your schmoopie, bye bye…
Another one bites the dust
(Some Queen lyrics were too perfect to change!)
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I’m the UBT and I’m gonna get you, too
Another one bites the dust
Oh shooter hey hey, all right
LOL!
:::lights candles and incense, deep bow, clears throat:::
O word, my g-d, when I in lonesome stupor. Consider all the words, the cheating douche had made
I saw stars, I heard his roaring blunders
the cowards attempt throughout the mindfuck here displayed
Then sings my soul, my sane UBT, to me
How smart you are, how great you are
Then sings my soul, oh UBT to me
How great you are, how smart you are!
O word, my g-d, this chump cried in darkness. Considering all the lies the cheat had told again.
I saw stars, that last punch it hurt some, the bruise has healed, at least on the skin.
Then sings my soul, my sane UBT to me,
How smart you art, how great you are…
oh, now I’ll have that tune in my head (and it is a good one).
For UBT. Just the refrain, to be sung to the time of, We built this city on Rock and Roll.
You built chump nation on cock and bull, you built chump nation, you built chump nation, you built chump nation on cock and bull…
Thanks UBT!
Lol! Perfect Kiminator!
The UBT is very honored by this hymn.
Awww, I just wish I could have done the hymn and my respect for the UBT, better justice. Thank you CL????????
Oh, I just had to….! It was quite therapeutic! x
Twinkle, twinkle sparkly turds
How I wonder why you lied
Lying, cheating, sneaking off
To your hoes house for a blow job…
Saying you were working late
How my love soon turned to hate
I’m now mighty, I’m now strong
No thanks to you and your wandering dong
UBT is our good friend
Clarifies the fog no end
Aren’t we thankful, aren’t we glad
How it can untoss a word salad
I can see clearly now all the bullshit’s gone
I can see all the fog has gone away
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright sunshiny [tues]day
I’m no talent at making up lyrics sorry but my narcissistic psycho lying cheating ex husband was. So when he left all I got was this Spotify playlist that I made while I moved on got a life and discovered CN and the UBT.
https://open.spotify.com/user/missnaani/playlist/5oeZ3wHOhmFj5DgGU6fwED?si=AF_xDaQ8TXOoIJgQyCkVqw
Things are much better now. I skip through the melancholy tunes and the ones that were “special” to us (cos I realised we weren’t actually special despite reconciling with him about 50 times over the last 7 years which was when I first caught him cheating and it carried on and on, with a baby and a wedding in between ????♀️)
Reconciliation is dumb!
Actually that’s not a bad song title! ????????♀️
Oh all those reconciliations? Brought to you by him convincing me we’re so special (We can get through this I want to grow old with you You’re still the best one I’ve ever had But I only love you…. ad infinitum)
O UBT, O UBT
How snarky are thy typings
O UBT, fair UBT
We marvel at your gripings
In summer sun, or winter snow
You tell us what we need to know
O UBT, O UBT
Ne’er falter in your fighting
Haha, that was the tune I was going to use, but you’ve done it better!
Sorry / going off topic a bit..as I am not great with lyrics… . but this song / video is excellent!
Jar of hearts / by Christina Perry
Can work out how to do a link to the video – but it’s such a powerful ex chump song… anyone else seen the video?
These are ALL GREAT!
The UBT has an incredibly swelled head gasket. And now it will be more insufferable than usual. But after its Dear Therapist bullshit feast, it feels renewed. Thank you!!!!
Lie to me
Tell me how you couldn’t help it
Lie to me
Write the story of your awful wife
Oh tell me more
About how you were unhappy for years sweet darling
Yeah lie to me
About how your OW is saving your life
CHORUS
And I will chump my way back into your heart
Do a dance for you
So you choose me choose me
Chump my way back in to your heart
Coz the cheater deserves more kibble
Sadz cheater is the real victim after all
With apologies for whole sale ripping off Kerry Livgren
Carry on Oh U B T
For there’ll be truth when you are done
Then you can let your transponders rest
Don’t you choke no more
Once you rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond their illusions
You went soaring ever higher, above their bullshit oh so high
Though your transponders were gunked you still were not blind, man
Though your choked on the shit, your snark was never silenced
And you hear the voices of Chump Nation, you can hear them say
Carry on Oh U B T
For there’ll be truth when you are done
Then you can let your transponders rest
Don’t you choke no more
Forging though as a machine with a reason
Your crusade is the event of the season
And if you claim to be all knowing, it surely means that it is so
On the stormy seas of betrayal and emotion
Chumps tossed about like a ship on the ocean
You set our course for a cheater free future, and you hear our voices say
Carry on Oh U B T
For there’ll be truth when you are done
Then you can let your transponders rest
Don’t you choke no more
Carry on, you we will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals your splendor
Because of you our life’s no longer hellish
Surely heaven waits for you
Carry on Oh U B T
For there’ll be truth when you are done
Then you can let your transponders rest
Don’t you choke no more
I think if the UBT is getting a swelled head, it’s time for an instrumental interlude.
I would happily plug it in to a medley of the finest military marches a massed pipe band can play. Maybe some Sousa, alongside the old Scottish favourites.
The UBT can kick back, fantasize about conducting, and maybe pretend it can twirl a baton.
Before I encountered the wise UBT
his self-pity and bullshit were swallowing me.
In a sticky brown pool of his thick verbal shit
for a good many weeks I did flounder and sit
until late at night in a Googling craze
I found a wee chink in the gaslighting maze.
It came in the form of a wondrous machine
that was savvy and smart, and appropriately mean
to self-righteous narcs who blame and accuse
chumps far too used to this kind of abuse
so much so that they really do sometimes neglect
to see truths that the UBT’s built to detect.
So for late-night surfers of self-help blogs
and worshippers of princes that really are frogs
the UBT fearlessly cuts through the crap
points out bends in the road, pitfalls and traps
in which good loving people can become ensnared,
for wolves have teeth that are sometimes not bared
‘til their unsuspecting partners are so deep in
that they can’t tell their right big toe from their chin.
So in the good name of all we hold dear
let’s give the UBT a really loud cheer
for pulling us out of the verbal morass
and kicking the cheaters out on their ass.
????????????
That was glorious!
GREAT
STANDING OVATION!!!
Hey – did anyone catch this load of twaddle?
https://www.thelily.com/these-women-care-for-their-ailing-husbands-they-say-dating-other-men-is-how-they-take-care-of-themselves/
I’m appalled at the justifications for stomping all over “forsaking all others”.
O UBT
O UBT
Thy prose is so insightful
O UBT
O UBT
Thy prose is so insightful
Not only clear when fuckwit’s near
But also queer when here with peers
O UBT
O UBT
Such pleasure do you bring me
And week on week dear UBT
You bring to us such joy and glee
O UBT
O UBT
Your wisdom is unchanging
A spackle smashing clarity
You rip apart disparity
O UBT
O UBT
You light our lives with honesty
UBT, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
You end my sadness and heartburn
Explaining the narcissist as we have learnt
Untangle the skein?
No you’re not mean!
For you explain what Other Women have really seen
Snarking away, a woodchipper true
Takes away my feelings that are blue
Yes I love the UBT
Without it, I might still be kibble feed!