Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Serenade the Universal Bullshit Translator

The Universal Bullshit Translator is a balky, vain old thing. It often requires coaxing to fire up the ol’ transponders.

Sometimes it warms to the task. Nothing like a drunken ex sext to set its carburetor humming. But unfortunately, when offended, it resists me.

“NOOooo! Not another Esther Perel discourse on the exquisite unbearableness of captivity!”  

The bullshit piles up…

However, the UBT is bewitched by song. You want to flatter its rusty little quarter panels? Serenade it.

A few of its favorites are “Stairway to Divorce Court” and “My Funny Psychopath” — but to truly tickle its chipper shredder, it enjoys a made-up song about itself.

Put another way — the UBT works for ???????????????? kibble tunes ????????????.

So our Fun Friday challenge is to write songs about the UBT!

Maybe it will fire up its engine for the next Fluff-Po listicle, or swallow a Modern Love column whole. Hummmmm….



Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • UBT,

    The shit you eat is universal
    Produced by cheaters with no rehearsal.
    I’d like to scrape and wipe you clean.
    But then who would untangle the skein.

    Thank you for being so witty!
    You help me eat my sandwich-shitty.
    I gulp the genius you produce.
    I raise my glass for you – you are my MUSE!

  • Can I woo it with simple poetry, the sort a cheater would spew to a dumsel in distress?

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Nothing compares
    to translating cheater-speak like you

  • Hm. I’d encourage the UBT to battle cheater-speak by crooning slightly modified versions of old favorites from the 80s:

    “I Can’t Fight This Feeling (That I Want To Leave Your Sorry Ass)”
    “Don’t Speak (To Me. Ever. Again. I Mean It)”
    “Baby Got Back (To Her Married Boyfriend)”
    “White Wedding (To Her Affair Partner? That’s Rich. Snort)”
    “Don’t Stop Believin’ (That I Find You Pathetic)”
    “Once In A Lifetime (Is More Than Enough For Anyone To F*ck You)”
    “Love Is A Battlefield (And You Are Bottomless Crater Of Deceit and Selfishness)”

    • And…

      “In Your Eyes” (Your sociopathic dead eyes)
      “Every breath You Take” (Is Just Oxygen for your Next Lie)
      “You give Love a Bad Name” (No add-on. You actually give love a bad name)

      Great concept UXWorld…

      • True Colours (yes everyone can see them now, idiot)
        Don’t Dream it’s Over (it actually IS over, your ass is on the curb, idiot)
        Careless Whisper (I know your passwords idiot)
        Take On Me (and my kickass lawyer, idiot)

        (Might as we’ll face it you’re) Addicted to Strange
        Don’t you Want Consequences Baby?
        I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Trustworthy)

        And bless Fleetwood Mac for nailing it without modifications:
        Go Your Own Way
        never Going Back Again
        Don’t Stop

  • You helped me see his real side:
    The cheater’s shine was a sparkly turd!
    You eat that shit and help us rise.
    In your translations are clear skies.

    Your catalogue of shit is rich.
    And sometimes you may come with a glitch.
    How much oil would be enough
    To help digest their shit and bluff?

    I dream you’d swallow cheaters in full.
    And send them to the shmoopies’ pool.
    They’d swim in their own shit
    While I delight in your wisdom and wit.

    To you, UBT!

    • Ha! I’d normally comment to my son (11) to not use redundant and repetitive words in two consecutive sentences in his school work. But it does not count here! Shit and shit and shit!

  • I’m so sad, he’s moving in with her…….. cheats while I’m pregnant and continues to see her and now that the divorce is getting close they are moving in together…. he gets happiness and someone to hold at night and I get my cold lonely bed and the job of full time mom…..

    And he thinks after all this I would still want to have sex with him! He’s moving in with his girlfriend! Why would I sleep with him!

    • Oh hey, that was me six months ago!
      Get out, Heartbroken. Don’t play the pick me dance or sleep with him. (I did that, it only made me feel worse about myself.)
      You can find some solace in the fact that if he’s still trying to sleep with you while moving in with with Schmoopie, their relationship is off to a stellar start!

      Seriously though, just get away. My ex was totally ok with ignoring that he was a new dad and has ditched our baby. It hurt in a way I could never describe, but getting out and going no contact has been my life saver. Get a lawyer, make him pay child support, and don’t talk to him otherwise. I cannot stress enough how much better off I’ve been since not talking to the fucker.

      • Yeah I won’t sleep with him, I guess I just feel lonely. I’m glad you are doing better!! It’s a tough road to go down and I’m trying my best. I just with he never did any of this.

    • Dear Heartbroken, (((hugs)))!

      About three years ago I was heartbroken too! I would cry and say “but I love him!”. Mine did not move in with anybody (he is confused as he has too many and he is not the co-habitator type in general) but it did not diminish my pain. He was unavailable to me, I was not good enough (ever as a woman) but a great wife appliance so he ate the cake.

      We have been separated since but still working on the legal paperwork (he lives out of country and plays hard to catch). I saw him a year ago and he drove me nuts in the children’s playground where I totally lost my temper and went on screaming at him. I was still consumed with pain. Then I saw him a couple of weeks ago. I joked, I teased, I was funny and charming – I DID NOT CARE! And it bothered him visibly.

      Looking at him and not seeing his face and body, but his X-ray picture, completely took the pain away. After I learned of the three channels of mindfuck here, I saw the light. He only flips through those three. He is still trying in various ways to get me back. Not because he loves me – he never did and I am not sure he is capable of loving anyone. But because I was a great kibble, provided nice facade, and was a working wife appliance on many fronts. So he would put on a charming face, and as it wouldn’t work, he’d turn into a passive-aggressive mode bordering with rage, and as it does not work, he’d be back to charm. Sad-sausage is now switched off with me but he constantly uses that channel with our son giving him a guilt feeling.

      I am saying all this so you know this: you miss the idea of him, the “what you thought of him”, but not him actually. He is a person capable of hurting a pregnant woman, a mother of his child, and not caring. It’s enough for you to know that he does not love you, never loved you, and is not capable of loving any person in the world. What you see now is the facade of happiness. They want to throw this in your face, make you jealous, sparkle with happiness so that they convince everybody that their destructive choice was right. It’s not the real feeling of happiness. Their bodies might be giving warmth to each other while you sleep in your cold bed, but you have your child and they KNOW they sleep with lier next to them.

      Your pain will recede. We all have been there. I am just coming out on the other side emotionally even though we stopped living together 3 years ago. Just be patient with yourself and keep reading. This is my new Bible and has been since Oct 2016 when I discovered CL.

      Hugs to you, be strong!

      • LongTimeChump
        Those are beautiful words you wrote to Heartbroken.
        I want to be a second voice here, I feel the need.
        I was a pregnant Chump who pick me danced and cheater stayed. ( I believe the reason was he did not have the guts to tell ow that wife appliance was pregnant- she already felt bad about taking him away from our three year old child).
        It has never been easy, the following years.
        I come here to encourage new Chumps to leave the cheater, gain a life.
        I understand your pain Heartbroken, but please be like LongTimeChump. She and other brave Chumps will guide you.
        Feel the warmth, wrap yourself in the love, kindness, and understanding of CN. You are so deserving.
        ????cherish your precious child.

    • Stay here with us. You will make it through.
      Do he’s offering to cheat on the ow with you. Clearly he’s chronic.
      What would you advise your daughter? Your sister? Your mother?
      Hold your head up. Feel your feelings but take pride even in your pain. You will rise again. Stay here with us. One day you will pay it back to another chump.

      • That’s a very good point, Mandie101. When I don’t know how to act I always ask myself how I would advise my friend in a similar situation.

        I actually have a school-time friend who put on her chump shoes from day one of her marriage and is still wearing them (over 25 years, many lovers and heart breaking moments and 2 grown sons later). I used to scream with frustration at her every time she left him and then went back. In our mid thirties when I was married already she told me that “all men have side pieces and that it’s in their nature and that I just should accept it.” I recall I almost fought with her trying to make my point that MY HUSBAND WOULD NEVER CHEAT. hahaha!

        I don’t know if her husband turned into a unicorn after they tragically lost their youngest son at 18. Her life went upside down after the tragedy and she just does not have any power to fight. She came to her own faux-peace accepting the shit from her cheater husband and it pains me to see her going from bad to worse. But this is the major difference between us: I have been yelling at her to leave her cheater, while she has been trying to persuade me to stay in my marriage because all men are cheaters but they fundamentally love their wives.

        I recall some kind of psychology study I read about where the subjects going through various life adversities were asked to advise other people going through similar difficulties on the best course of action. It then actually helped the subjects to deal with their own stuff as the advice they gave to others helped shed light on their own situation and they could see it from the third-party perspective. I have been training myself to do this.

    • Sweetheart, get a heating pad to keep the bed warm. It’s more dependable than your STBX.

      And someone to sleep with? I sleep with my girls, 8 and 10. We watch movies on the flat screen in my bedroom from my big king sized bed and we snuggle at night together, falling asleep to classical piano music played on Pandora. In the morning, I change it to something zippy and we wake up happy.

      You don’t need the warmth of a horny toad in your bed.

      • Ha. I told my ex he could take the F#&*-ing marital bed when he was splitting up our stuff to leave. He took most of the master bedroom furniture, which I was fine with. I re-did the entire room and bought a king-sized bed, finally turning it into the oasis I had been wanting for years. Now, my kids love movie night on the weekend in mommy’s room on my flat screen. My son with autism always says that he has the best sleeps in mommy’s bed.

        I figure I only have a few more years left to do this before it becomes creepy, so I’m milking it as long as I can.


    • She got a liar, cheater, fraud, traitor, and a BIG VAT OF SPACKLE and you think she WON? No no no, dear Heartbroken. YOU won. She does NOT get genuine happy.

      I thought my husband was a diamond. He is a frosted turd. I don’t want a frosted turd! I want a diamond! YOU are on the true path to genuine happiness….impossible to get there with a con artist. She gets to cuddle up to Frosted Turd and gets to wonder if he’s cheating on her!

      My frosted turd has already cheated on Lower Companion. I win!

      • PS….posted before, to the tune of “Spider-Man”….

        Cheaterman, Cheaterman!
        Does whatever a cheater can!
        Spins a lie!
        Any size!
        Catches ho’s!
        Just like flies!
        Here comes the Cheatermaaaaaaaan!

  • UBT took the RIC and shredded it to smithereens.
    When we got there, what did we see?
    Chump Nation of the Universe in ecstasy.

    UBT, RIC
    CNU, XTC

    XTC, UBT
    WTF, RIC

    RIC, UBT, CNU … X– T– C

  • Uno! dos! One, two, tres, quatro . . .!

    Chumpy told CN ’bout a thing she spied,
    Tracy said “Translate” — UBT replied:
    “Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”
    “Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”

    Chumpy told CN, “Something’s just not right . . .”
    UBT responded, rousing sheer delight:
    “Wooly bullshit, Wooly bullshit!”
    “Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”

    Chumpy told CN, “Something’s wrong with me . . .”
    Sanity delivered, via UBT:
    “Wooly bullshit, Wooly bullshit!”
    “Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”

  • After all the five star meals that are feeding the UBT today, I’m really embarrassed with my little junk food dorito here.

    But I want to acknowledge the UBT and the way it always makes me brave and smile and laugh till my sides split and realize that life is good.

    Oh! You better not rage, you better not lie
    Better not spill your sadz, I’m telling you why
    The UBT is coming to town

    He knows when you are cheating
    He knows when you’re eating cake
    He knows when you are mindfucking
    So give us chumps a laugh for goodness sake!

    • Hahaha! Brilliant, Clearwaters! I was actually singing to the tune!
      My favorite Christmas song for this year:)

  • Everyone says they love you
    They kiss your ass
    You are so vain you think it is true
    They work for you, you ass

    She said she loves you
    She kissed your ass
    You are so vain you think it is true
    She works for you, you ass

    I said I loved you
    I kissed your ass
    You are so vain you never thought I would leave
    I left you and your sorry ass!!

    • Lovely @Chumptastic!

      …and it’s inspired me to use your “she loves you” and “ass” to twist The Beatles “She Loves You” into this :

      She loves you, yeah, yeah, riiight
      She loves you, yeah, yeah, riiight
      And with a love like that, you’ll soon be out on your ahh-ass

      You said that we were through
      But you only met her yesterday
      20 years I spent with you
      But “you never loved me anyway”

      She said she loves you, but right now you’re having a Sadz
      She said she loves you, while she’s dating two other dads — oooooo

      She loves you, yeah, yeah, riiight
      She loves you, yeah, yeah, riiight
      And with a love like that, you’ll be alone in a dingy flat
      And with a love like that, my lawyer’s going on the attack
      And with a love like that, my friends always thought you’re a prat

      Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…

      * flat (br) = apartment (us)

  • An Ode to the UBT!

    Oh UBT, you helped me to see
    A brand new life, cheater free
    With the myriad of bullshit lies
    Your snark was there to open my eyes

    Oh UBT, please translate for me
    All the crap behind infidelity

    When my life imploded
    And my dreams exploded
    You were there in the morning
    And your wit was discerning

    Oh UBT, please translate for me
    All the crap behind infidelity

    Four years later I’m still here
    Reading your posts,which leads me to cheer
    All your help with my strife
    Resulted in my gaining a life

    Oh UBT, please translate for me
    All the crap behind infidelity

    My only sorrow these days
    Is all the new faces that come our way
    Their horrendous hurts that once were mine
    Remind me of a much darker time

    Oh UBT please help me to see
    A way to help others who need it desperately

    Thank you UBT and Chump Lady – I am here because of you.

  • You guys are so funny and distracting! I’m laughing on the bus and missed my stop!

    All hail the UBT!

  • Well…

    You know you make me wanna (Pack!)
    Pack my heels up and (Leave!)
    Leave your cheating ass and (Throw!)
    Throw my middle finger up and (LEAVE!)
    Come on now (BYE!)

    Don’t forget to say you will
    Never call me again
    Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
    (I’m divorcing you)

    You know, you make me wanna LEAVE

  • …….and I will always love you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you

    Yes my ex wife had me and seven boyfriends

    • hahaha! Mine had me (wife), love of his life (ex-gf married cheater OW), tinder girls, and a side piece in each country he went for business trips. My math skills are not sufficient to count them all!
      I stopped counting and gained a life!

    • My ex was into dating websites and porn and cybersex and hookups, and I don’t even know what else because he claims to be a sex addict. This could have been his anthem. Gave me a good chuckle!


    He was a sex machine
    Treated his wife so mean,
    He was the best damn liar that I’ve ever seen
    He had dysfunctional ties, kept in all in disguise
    Knocking me out with those Gargantuan lies
    For her he cared, our intimacy he shared
    He thought I was dumb, but I no longer cared
    Our walls were shaken, my heart was breaking
    He said nothing was happening, but he was faking

    He took me all those years!
    Yeah, he really took me!

  • From Les Mis

    “Do you hear the UBT sing? Singing the song of angry chumps. It is the music of a people who will not be chumped again. When the prancing unicorns, echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes.” Leave a Cheater. Gain a life.

  • Pink Floyd
    Welcome to the Machine

    Welcome my Chump, welcome to the UBT machine
    Where have you been?
    It’s alright we know where you’ve been
    You’ve been at divorce court, documenting grievances
    Provided with power and ‘scouting for Meh’
    You brought a grey rock to punish your ex
    And you didn’t like marriage polic, and you
    Know you’re nobody’s fool
    So welcome to the UBT machine

  • I’d like to write a short ballad
    Dedicated to cheater’s word salad.

    UBT does the work,
    with a scoff and a smirk

    So I stamped cheater’s free pass “invalid”.

  • Song: ‘You Tell Me That I’m Falling Down’ by Linda Ronstadt 1975
    Album: Prisoner In Disguise

    (some of the) Lyrics:
    you tell me that I’m falling down
    a drifter with no role
    you tell me that I need a friend
    to help me take control
    well let it be I’m not alone
    I’m only lonely see
    and you can’t tell me where to go
    or what or who to be

    I am exactly what I am
    and not the way you’d like to see me be
    I look outside long as I can
    then close my eyes and watch
    my world unfold before me

    I’m very used to feeling sad
    It doesn’t make me cry
    and yes I do know how to love
    so what you say’s a lie

  • Long time lurker, first time poster here. My screen name is derived from the last anniversary gift my asshat threw at me 2 weeks before DDay in 2017. It was a plush of the skunk himself, who uttered his famous tagline when squeezed. Wikipedia describes Pepe Le Pew as being “constantly in search of love and appreciation”. He kept telling me he needed to feel loved and appreciated after he dropped the bomb. How fitting. His OW that he would have left me for turned out to be a scammer, so he didn’t actually run off with anybody. He did tell me he was angry that she lied to him. Oh, the hypocrisy! We got divorced in February, exactly 20 years to the day we got married. So our anniversary is now my Freedom Day. I couldn’t resist this challenge, because I love to make up songs sung to the tune of actual songs. I have a great one called Mr. No Napper from when my son was a baby, sung to the tune of Mr. Bojangles.

    Not my best work, but sing this to the tune of Puff The Magic Dragon (roughly)

    UBT the trans-la-tor
    Lives on my screen
    And swallows all the shitty bits of

    Little Sparkly Fuckwit
    Now has lost his sheen
    I see him now for what he is
    Not what was in my dreams

    So now I’d like to thank you
    For all you’ve done for me
    Your mighty roar and wit galore
    Has helped to set me free!

    • By sheer coincidence, I found out from my lawyer my divorce was final 17 years to the day we got engaged.

        • Hey Pepe, mine also was “in search of love and appreciation” and also angry with his AP for her lies (she was cheating on him, hahaha!, besides being married to her chump husband), and so he also did not end up with anybody.

          I wasted the first year or two post DDay on trying to untangle the skein, blame myself for being “not enough” and “not appreciative”, thinking how I could have reversed this whole thing if only I did this or that (or did not do this or that). Pretty useless once you start getting it. They all are the same, reading from the same script, acting in the same shitty ways and it does not really matter if I was the shittiest wife, woman, partner, whatever. Which I was not. And I get it now, thanks to CL and my tribe here.

          • This one goes out to the women of CN. To be sung to the tune of,I can’t fight this feeling anymore.
            And I can’t dance like Schmoopie anymore.
            I’ve forgotten what I started dancing for.
            It’s time to shove the cheater out the door,
            Congratulate the whore
            Cause I can’t dance like Schmoopie anymore!

    • Pepe Le Pew, nice job!! Man, your anniversary gift really sucked big time. Strangely he was telling you who he was with a stuffed animal. My ex took me out to see a movie when we were “working on our marriage”. He picked the movie. The movie was, “This is Where I Leave You”. The movie is about a man who finds out his wife is having an affair with his friend. A few weeks after we saw the movie, he said he wanted a divorce.

      When I packed up my stuff and moved out with our kids, I left behind a copy of this movie for him to watch with his whore.

      Thanks for posting and that’s great you can now look at your wedding anniversary as your day of freedom now!

      • LMAO he really was telling me he was a skunk! It sounds like your ex was shamelessly telegraphing his next move. It’s like they get a sick satisfaction out of it.

        Good for you for throwing that movie back in his face. We “worked on our marriage” for a bit as well. Of course, his cheating just went undergound, complete with a burner phone this time. He went off to rehab twice for being a porn/sex addict, and I stood by him because that’s what chumps do. Thanks to CL and CN I’m no longer ashamed for not kicking him to the curb immediately. I’m deep and real, he’s so deep he’s a bottomless pit who lived a double life. Good riddance!

        • You are super mighty, Pepe, for kicking him to the curb! And yes, I agree that they get a sick satisfaction out of showing us their next move when we have no clue what’s going on. Only the character disordered would do such a thing. Good riddance is right!

  • Sing a song of the UBT,
    A pocket full of fakes.
    Four and twenty exuberant affairs,
    Wallowing in cake.

    When the cake was sadly done,
    Chump revenge was only sweeter;
    Wasn’t that a dainty finale,
    To set before the Cheater?

    The Cheaters had been riding unicorns,
    Flinging lies faster than the UBT can spit.
    The Chump had been in the gaslit dark,
    Eating sandwiches of shit.

    The OW/OM were in the wings,
    Pick-me dancing on their skanky toeses;
    When down flew the righteous UBT
    To peck off their lying noses.

    Enter the Fearless Tracy Schorn,
    Beloved founder of Chump Nation;
    She gazed at what she and UBT had made,
    And modestly basked in her standing ovation!

  • When we find a bunch of Huff-Po cheater agitprop,
    Or a e-mails from Other Women seeking to make the pain stop,
    We turn to you, UBT, we turn to you.

    When we get texts saying we’re fat, ugly, or loud,
    Or when the other woman explains why she stalks us in a crowd,
    We turn to you, UBT, we turn to you.

    All the crap we get is so false, so mean, so meant to mess with our heads
    It’s easy to to feel lost and not want to get out of our beds,
    But you make it funny, and remind us we’ve got worth,
    And then it doesn’t hurt-

    We thank you, UBT, we thank you.

  • More of a poem than a serenade…but my musical skills are zero. Still, I had to express my gratitude to the awesome power of the UBT

    UBT – A Love Letter to the Power of Snark

    U is for the umpteen times you’ve helped us
    B is for the burdens you’ve relieved
    T is for the truth that you’ve uncovered
    Beneath the piles of Double-Speak received.

    U taught us how to cut through useless garbage
    Be strong and find the truth within each heart
    To jettison Perel’s malicious nonsense
    And gather strength from our collective SNARK.

  • I’m so in love with the UBT
    He speaks truth and he speaks to me
    The peals of laughter are my currency
    To buy the love of my sweet UBT

    He takes down all the Perelist hacks
    Chumps are grateful that he has our backs
    Eager for each new anti-narc attack
    Hey UBT, wanna hit the sack?

  • I feel as though the UBT is the weapon of truth, light and an antidote to “I Feel Like I’m Drowning” written by Bill Dess, Zachary William Dess. A song that sums up betrayal.

    You keep dreaming and dark scheming
    Yeah, you do
    You’re a poison and I know that is the truth
    All my friends think you’re vicious
    And they say you’re suspicious
    You keep dreaming and dark scheming
    Yeah, you do

    I feel like I’m drowning
    I’m drowning
    You’re holding me down and
    Holding me down
    You’re killing me slow
    So slow, oh-no
    I feel like I’m drowning
    I’m drowning

    You’re so plastic and that’s tragic
    Just for you
    I don’t know what the hell you gonna do
    When your looks start depleting
    And your friends all start leaving
    You’re so plastic and that’s tragic
    Just for you

    I feel like I’m drowning
    I’m drowning
    You’re holding me down and
    Holding me down
    You’re killing me slow
    So slow, oh-no
    I feel like I’m drowning
    I’m drowning

    My life’s okay
    Yeah, just when you’re not around me
    My life’s okay
    Just when you’re not around me
    My life’s okay
    Just when you’re not around me
    My life’s okay

    I feel like I’m drowning
    I’m drowning
    You’re holding me down and
    Holding me down
    You’re killing me slow
    So slow, oh-no
    I feel like I’m drowning
    I’m drowning

  • Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat” Cover:

    See the cheaters walking down the street
    Texting Schmoopie thinkin’ that their sweet-
    They don’t know where they’re want to go
    But our snark is on time…
    Our U-B-T
    Our U—B—T
    Our U-B-T
    Yeah, our UBT!
    See the chumps all laughing at the fools,
    They can’t wait to see how Tracy rules,
    Hang around and laughing on the site
    That’s when they crack up in time-
    Our U-B-T
    Our U—B—T
    Our U-B-T
    Yeah, our UBT!
    (*Everybody out of your seat)
    (clap-clap. clap)
    (Dance around house to surf guitar solo)
    Such an 80’s baby.

  • With apologies to KISS.

    Stand up, you don’t have to be afraid
    Here comes the bullshit like a hurricane
    No fear, it’s the UBT’s food chain
    Better believe it, yeah

    UBT will always represent
    And Chump Nation sets a new precedent
    Rock on, UBT for president!

    ‘Cause I love it

    Loud UBT it loud
    Right between the eyes
    Loud UBT it loud
    Don’t want no compromise

  • Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling, UBT
    I’d be lost and gone forever, dreadful married, UBT

    In the spackle, in the dancing, and bonding hysterically
    I lived with cheater forty-niner and my schmoopie niece seventeen

    Yes I loved him, how I loved her, and believed they both loved me
    Until I sent their lying words to the genius UBT

    Now you’re lost and gone forever, dreadful Uncle Woody
    And the karma bus has stopped for you thanks to Chump Lady

      • Mehtamorphosis….
        My story is so nastily similar to yours. WASband 49 but at least niece was an “adult” of 21. I believe he made this choice because he knew this would be something I would not and could not ignore and it would bring us quickly to the firey final crash of our 18 year marriage. My initial DD w AP was 5 years ago but I chose to stay mostly to recoup financially from the previous 13 year wreck he made of our lives (slow learner anyone?). Past couple years I could no longer hide my disdain and lack of respect for him and the victim mentality, passive-aggressive, liar (about everything…his lips were moving there were lies woven in) he is. Niece didn’t live with us, but her mother came to sweet WASband Dr Honey seeking help for niece who was struggling with alcohol (WASband had been to rehab “successfully” and as a medical professional would have nieces best interest at heart and could help get appropriate care for niece). Yep…you know what’s coming next. “Let’s go to the cabin to relax in the calming, happy, healing place it is and get a plan to help you dear niece”. But let’s get you a couple bottles of wine to help said relaxing…
        hummmm, am I confused about that pesky oath of “first do no harm” that Dr Honey took as an MD. And the raging UTI she got as a parting gift after all the relaxing that went on.

        The depths of disgust that disordered, entitled cheaters stoop to never ceases to amaze me. Once I found out he was kicked out, he went ProSe and I (along with guidance from my atty) negotiated and completed divorce in 4 months – final late Jan. He is a complete and total POS. I am 350 lbs lighter (yes you read that right…DrHoney likes fast food and the alcohol he drinks is not ‘skinny girl’ recipe). I could not imagine anyone having a story similar to mine…it is so heinous. But thanks for the shining light of CL and Tracy’s book I am moving forward with fewer rough days and more and more hope for a healthy and happy future.

        • 3fiddy,

          I’m sorry you had to deal with a family fucker. They’re the lowest of the lowest. Bazooka Jane is 20 now and still living with Uncle Woody, so it’s hard for my family to get to meh, especially my brother. However, I know a healthy and happy future is waiting for you if you go out and grab it. I have moved on to a happy new life in every way — new job, new love, new dream home in another part of the country. Some day maybe I’ll send the infidels a thank you card. Or go spray paint a thank you message on the former marital dream house where they cohabitate.


  • cheaters in the night – exchanging pantses
    wondering in the night – what were the chances
    they’d be spewing bull before the night was through…

    Something in their words was so enraging
    with steaming piles of poo – I’d be engaging
    Something in my heart, told me I must have you..

    Translator in the night – you saved me from the mindfuck
    later in the night – you showed me bravery with upchuck
    Translator in the night you showed me
    Meh was just a glance away, a crazy fearless prance away

    and ever since that night, I am so bull-proof
    from universal blight, I can be aloof
    now I’m full of fight, thanks to translator … in the.. night!

  • Who can take the bullshit
    Sprinkle it with dew
    Cover it with snark
    And a miracle or two?
    The UBT
    The UBT can
    The UBT can ‘cause she mixes it with snark
    And makes the chumps feel good

    Who can take the sparkles
    And the pick-me dance
    Change the mindfuck channel
    And pull down the cheater’s pants?
    The UBT
    The UBT can
    The UBT can ‘cause she mixes it with snark
    And makes the chimps feel good

  • From time to time a time will come
    When making sense just can’t be done
    And chumps like us will come appealing to ya
    You fight the fight, you right the wrong
    We sing your praises in this song
    And all the chumps are singing Hallelujah


    My apologies to the late great Leonard Cohen.

  • Boogie Chillin’ (since I gained a life)
    The Thrill is Gone (how does one remove an ankle bracelet?).
    Dust My Broom ( ho’s looking)
    Ball N’ Chain (she’got the key)

  • Up Where We Belong

    (sung in my best Joe Cocker/Jennifer Warnes voices)

    Who knows what tomorrow brings
    In a world of chumps and cheaters too
    All we know is the way we feel
    When you clarify the crap that idiots spew

    The road to Tuesday…is long
    There are mountains of bullshit in our way
    But turds don’t sparkle once you’ve had your say

    You lift us up where we belong
    Where no unicorn flies
    Because you call out the lies

    You lift us up where we belong
    Far from the shit below
    To where meh breezes blow

  • These Are Why We Rely On UBT
    to the tune of ” These are a Few of My Favorite Things”

    Burner cell phones
    and lack of affection
    Gaslighting tactics and no introspection
    Sex toys and VDs and lost wedding rings
    These are why we rely on UBT

    Unexplained spending and absence of scruples
    Phone calls and emails
    And rejection that’s cruel
    Hopium that de-fies our re-al-ity
    These are why we rely on UBT

    Girls in the bars with black liner and lashes
    Alcohol binges that show who the ass is
    Facebook fake friendships that turn into flings
    These are why we rely on UBT

    When the dog bites
    When the bee stings
    When I’m feeling sad
    I simply remember my UBT
    And then I don’t feel so bad

  • Orgasm Addict ( it’s a labor of love fucking yourself to death). uh, huh, uh, uh.

    Rise Above (we are tired of your abuse; try to stop us ; it’s no use.

    I wanna be sedated: (isn’t that why the toad looked like a dream girl?) )

    • I got a six pack and nuthin to do. I got a six pack and I don’t need you!

      My cheater husbands theme song while he sits in the garage night after night texting Schmoopie.

  • Another One (Cheater) Bites the Dust

    Oh, Let’s Go!

    Mr. Sparkles walk warily down the street, Tinder hookups everywhere
    Ain’t no sound, but the sound of his keyboard taps, multiple personas ready to go.

    Are you ready, are you ready for this?
    Are you ready for your husband to cheat?
    Out of the doorway the UBT rips,

    Another one bites the dust
    Another one bites the dust
    And another one gone, and another one gone
    Another one bites the dust
    Hey, I’m gonna get you, too
    Another one bites the dust

    How do you think I’m going to get along
    Without you when you’re gone?
    You took me for everything that I had
    And kicked me out on my own

    Are you happy, are you satisfied?
    How long can you stand to cheat?
    Doesn’t matter to me now, got a new life
    And my lawyer has got you beat.


    Oh UBT
    There are plenty of ways that you can speak the truth
    And Chump Lady shines the light
    You can leave him, you can beat him
    You can leave a cheater and gain a life… you can!

    So I’m ready, yes, Tuesday, I’m ready for you
    I’m standing on my own two feet
    Meh is around the corner and my kids are doing great
    Have fun with your schmoopie, bye bye…

    Another one bites the dust

    (Some Queen lyrics were too perfect to change!)

    Another one bites the dust
    Another one bites the dust
    And another one gone, and another one gone
    Another one bites the dust
    Hey, I’m the UBT and I’m gonna get you, too
    Another one bites the dust

    Oh shooter hey hey, all right

  • :::lights candles and incense, deep bow, clears throat:::

    O word, my g-d, when I in lonesome stupor. Consider all the words, the cheating douche had made
    I saw stars, I heard his roaring blunders
    the cowards attempt throughout the mindfuck here displayed
    Then sings my soul, my sane UBT, to me
    How smart you are, how great you are
    Then sings my soul, oh UBT to me
    How great you are, how smart you are!

    O word, my g-d, this chump cried in darkness. Considering all the lies the cheat had told again.
    I saw stars, that last punch it hurt some, the bruise has healed, at least on the skin.
    Then sings my soul, my sane UBT to me,
    How smart you art, how great you are…

  • Oh, I just had to….! It was quite therapeutic! x

    Twinkle, twinkle sparkly turds
    How I wonder why you lied
    Lying, cheating, sneaking off
    To your hoes house for a blow job…

    Saying you were working late
    How my love soon turned to hate
    I’m now mighty, I’m now strong
    No thanks to you and your wandering dong

    UBT is our good friend
    Clarifies the fog no end
    Aren’t we thankful, aren’t we glad
    How it can untoss a word salad

  • I can see clearly now all the bullshit’s gone
    I can see all the fog has gone away
    Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
    It’s gonna be a bright sunshiny [tues]day

  • I’m no talent at making up lyrics sorry but my narcissistic psycho lying cheating ex husband was. So when he left all I got was this Spotify playlist that I made while I moved on got a life and discovered CN and the UBT.

    Things are much better now. I skip through the melancholy tunes and the ones that were “special” to us (cos I realised we weren’t actually special despite reconciling with him about 50 times over the last 7 years which was when I first caught him cheating and it carried on and on, with a baby and a wedding in between ????‍♀️)

    Reconciliation is dumb!

    Actually that’s not a bad song title! ????????‍♀️

    • Oh all those reconciliations? Brought to you by him convincing me we’re so special (We can get through this I want to grow old with you You’re still the best one I’ve ever had But I only love you…. ad infinitum)

  • O UBT, O UBT
    How snarky are thy typings
    O UBT, fair UBT
    We marvel at your gripings
    In summer sun, or winter snow
    You tell us what we need to know
    O UBT, O UBT
    Ne’er falter in your fighting

  • Sorry / going off topic a I am not great with lyrics… . but this song / video is excellent!

    Jar of hearts / by Christina Perry

    Can work out how to do a link to the video – but it’s such a powerful ex chump song… anyone else seen the video?

  • These are ALL GREAT!

    The UBT has an incredibly swelled head gasket. And now it will be more insufferable than usual. But after its Dear Therapist bullshit feast, it feels renewed. Thank you!!!!

  • Lie to me
    Tell me how you couldn’t help it
    Lie to me
    Write the story of your awful wife
    Oh tell me more
    About how you were unhappy for years sweet darling
    Yeah lie to me
    About how your OW is saving your life

    And I will chump my way back into your heart
    Do a dance for you
    So you choose me choose me
    Chump my way back in to your heart
    Coz the cheater deserves more kibble
    Sadz cheater is the real victim after all

  • With apologies for whole sale ripping off Kerry Livgren

    Carry on Oh U B T
    For there’ll be truth when you are done
    Then you can let your transponders rest
    Don’t you choke no more

    Once you rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond their illusions
    You went soaring ever higher, above their bullshit oh so high
    Though your transponders were gunked you still were not blind, man
    Though your choked on the shit, your snark was never silenced
    And you hear the voices of Chump Nation, you can hear them say

    Carry on Oh U B T
    For there’ll be truth when you are done
    Then you can let your transponders rest
    Don’t you choke no more

    Forging though as a machine with a reason
    Your crusade is the event of the season
    And if you claim to be all knowing, it surely means that it is so
    On the stormy seas of betrayal and emotion
    Chumps tossed about like a ship on the ocean
    You set our course for a cheater free future, and you hear our voices say

    Carry on Oh U B T
    For there’ll be truth when you are done
    Then you can let your transponders rest
    Don’t you choke no more

    Carry on, you we will always remember
    Carry on, nothing equals your splendor
    Because of you our life’s no longer hellish
    Surely heaven waits for you

    Carry on Oh U B T
    For there’ll be truth when you are done
    Then you can let your transponders rest
    Don’t you choke no more

  • I think if the UBT is getting a swelled head, it’s time for an instrumental interlude.

    I would happily plug it in to a medley of the finest military marches a massed pipe band can play. Maybe some Sousa, alongside the old Scottish favourites.

    The UBT can kick back, fantasize about conducting, and maybe pretend it can twirl a baton.

  • Before I encountered the wise UBT
    his self-pity and bullshit were swallowing me.
    In a sticky brown pool of his thick verbal shit
    for a good many weeks I did flounder and sit
    until late at night in a Googling craze
    I found a wee chink in the gaslighting maze.
    It came in the form of a wondrous machine
    that was savvy and smart, and appropriately mean
    to self-righteous narcs who blame and accuse
    chumps far too used to this kind of abuse
    so much so that they really do sometimes neglect
    to see truths that the UBT’s built to detect.
    So for late-night surfers of self-help blogs
    and worshippers of princes that really are frogs
    the UBT fearlessly cuts through the crap
    points out bends in the road, pitfalls and traps
    in which good loving people can become ensnared,
    for wolves have teeth that are sometimes not bared
    ‘til their unsuspecting partners are so deep in
    that they can’t tell their right big toe from their chin.
    So in the good name of all we hold dear
    let’s give the UBT a really loud cheer
    for pulling us out of the verbal morass
    and kicking the cheaters out on their ass.

  • O UBT
    O UBT
    Thy prose is so insightful
    O UBT
    O UBT
    Thy prose is so insightful
    Not only clear when fuckwit’s near
    But also queer when here with peers
    O UBT
    O UBT
    Such pleasure do you bring me
    And week on week dear UBT
    You bring to us such joy and glee
    O UBT
    O UBT
    Your wisdom is unchanging
    A spackle smashing clarity
    You rip apart disparity
    O UBT
    O UBT
    You light our lives with honesty

  • UBT, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
    You end my sadness and heartburn
    Explaining the narcissist as we have learnt
    Untangle the skein?
    No you’re not mean!
    For you explain what Other Women have really seen
    Snarking away, a woodchipper true
    Takes away my feelings that are blue
    Yes I love the UBT
    Without it, I might still be kibble feed!

  • >