Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: When the OW Doesn’t Trust Her Boyfriend

Dear Therapist over at the Atlantic Monthly is on break, so perhaps she doesn’t mind me answering this godawful letter she got from an OW lamenting that she can’t trust her married boyfriend. Oh hang on, Dear Therapist did answer it. Appallingly.

Well, I think it could use an assist from the UBT.

It’s balking, however. “I’m a Universal Bullshit Translator, not a combine harvester!” it whines. “With so many hedgerows of bullshit, we’ll be here for days!”

So, after some delicate negotiations, (I must sing the “UBT Is So Great!” song and then let it gorge on People magazines), we’re just doing the letter today. Tomorrow we will UBT Dear Therapist’s response. “There are many ways to look at this situation” — none of which involve the chump.

🎶 UBT is so splendid! UBT is so great! Bullshit trembles at its transponders! Esther becomes irate! 🎶

****

My boyfriend did not tell me he was married for the first three months of our dating because he didn’t feel the timing was right for him.

Neptune was not in the Seventh House of Cake.

Had there been a more auspicious moment to mention his legal, emotional, financial, and sexual entanglements, over the 2,184 hours of knowing you, I’m sure he would’ve brought it up.

“Boyfriend” status doesn’t dwell on such intimate particulars.

Eventually he apologized and explained that he had been afraid of losing me, and I forgave him.

You’re special, and that’s the part that matters.

And if it takes lies to keep you, what’s a little artifice? There’s also duct tape, car trunks, and state lines. When you want someone, keep them by any means necessary.

The UBT thinks your relationship is off to a stellar start.

Two years later, we are still together but it’s been an incredibly exhausting struggle to get him to take the steps necessary for the divorce.

He’s still with his wife.

#nosteps

#FitBitThisShit

He would promise to do a specific task at a certain time but then continuously forget to do it.

His passive-aggressiveness is endearing.

By “specific task” I meant “file divorce papers” but I think he thought I meant “bathe the cat” or “meet me at Quiznos at 8” — and forgot. It’s almost as if he neglected to mention to his wife that they’re divorcing.

Nah.

We also fought a lot about how much his wife should be part of our lives:

As if being married to him gave her a vote or something.

I didn’t want her to continue to contact him about random casual things given that they were separated and childless,

A guy that would hide his wife, whereabouts, and divorce papers would never lie to me about his marital status.

The problem is her phone calls.

but he felt I was too harsh and refused to budge for many months.

The problem is also my harshness. JUST MAKE ME YOUR PUBLIC GIRLFRIEND AND I WON’T TORCH THE PLACE! IT’S BEEN OVER TWO YEARS!

#batshitdontbudge

Eventually he agreed to keep her away

Locked in a dungeon of his choosing.

after I got a therapist to help us.

I dragged him by his hairy little ear to a shrink sofa.

In the meantime, we were otherwise incredibly happy and in love

Between therapy appointments and ultimatums.

#bliss

with each other and set up a lot of important building blocks for our future together.

By “building blocks” I mean fucking. CAN’T YOU SEE WE HAVE A FUTURE TOGETHER?!

Now that the divorce is surely going to be concluded in the coming six months,

I will wait in this pumpkin patch with sincerity.

I am flooded with feelings of doubt about the relationship because it feels like we never really healed from that initial breach of trust,

It is slowly dawning upon me that he’s a lying cheater who lies and cheats.

I will never heal from not being special.

Ergo I will stifle this fleeting moment of lucidity and write to a quack instead.

and I am afraid of what all the subsequent broken promises might reveal about our compatibility.

(For 2.5 years you’ve been okay with lies and broken promises, so the UBT would say you’re compatible.)

#twopeassinapodperson

He has asked me to give him a second chance and shown much remorse.

Ask his wife how that’s working for her.

I wish I knew how to heal from a betrayal of trust in a relationship.

HAhahahahahHAAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA! (cough, cough, WAILING!) HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH

I’m sorry the UBT is unavailable for further comment. It’s choked on something. We’ll resume tomorrow.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • #nosteps #Fitbitthisshit!
      Fucking HILARIOUS!!
      “I can’t wait until tomorrow – it gets better everyday” ( I plagiarized a famous narcissistic athlete and left out ” because I get better looking every day”!)

        • No–I like #twopeasinapodperson even better! We might have to award multiple winners to today’s UBT!

          • Should not have read this in the big lunch room full of people. Choked trying not to let water fly out my nose. You are all awesome and the UBT is the king. Can you saint a machine?

            • my nomination hands down is #batshitdon’tbudge

              otherwise, I just felt that the letter could not be real. I REFUSE to believe there are people who lack this much self awareness…

              but then I remember I’m a chump,

              so what I said is lacking in self awareness

              #circlingback #TheyreallyArethatBad

          • My favorite was waiting in the pumpkin patch with sincerity. Lol just waiting for the great pumpkin. 😂

            • One day CL the sad truth is that a chump will actually die from laughing so hard. Having trouble breathing. GIVE UP YOUR DAY JOB and just take the mic, please. Sell-out shows around the globe. You and the UBT.

    • As the Rock Man said in Harry Nilsson’s “The Point,” “You see what you want to see, and you hear what you want to hear.” She doesn’t want to read the writing on the wall or hear what her boyfriend the cheater is telling her loudly and clearly with his actions. A trait the OW shares with many of us, until we find Chump Lady and learn the skills of cheater interpretation.

      • And the response to the letter seems to be telling her that she should see the fact that he is being so “kind” to his wife as sign of good character. Pffft.

      • She’s getting SO NERVOUS, because the third person in the triangle is vanishing! If the wife is gone- oh no! It’s just me and him! Then it starts to dawn on her that he cheats. Oooopsie….I was the OW, now what will he do?
        These ‘relationships’ based on fakery and inequality make me crazy. Seriously. How can they ever go anywhere but in the gutter? They’re based on fooling the other person, or stepping on their human rights.

          • They think they are ‘special’ enough that there will never be a vacancy. Skankella believes Prince Doucheputz sees her as the true love of his life.

            Meanwhile, back at camp TwatWaffle, Skankella is upset because of the deception and betrayal – to HER instead of the person he took vows with.

            Ron White was right. You can’t fix stupid. And, apparently, Skankella can only think with her legs wide open.

          • Absolutely! My ex mm cheated even before he was married on all the girls he dated, so why his wife and I fell for his bs is now beyond me. I wasn’t his first or the last but I’m so thankful to be off that marry-go-round. His wife refuses to acknowledge his behavior and I believe she is also involved with another man, so I guess it works for them. Not my circus to worry about. I never planned on being involved with a mm and I can say without a doubt, what a stupid idea and horrible experience it was. Sadly, it took me 6 years to figure it out and realize how not worth all the stress and demands he placed on me. Ugh.

        • Bingo! It will go in the gutter and they’ll fully deserve it. Once wifey is gone he’ll have to triagulate her with a new AP, because that’s what gets that sick freak off. These people are gross pigs, and they never change. Pigs like rolling in their own crap.

        • At some point the OW has to wonder if married cheater dated as if he was single, what would single mean?

          Transparency begins to look a lot like an ankle bracelet, monitoring his phone and being suspect whenever he interacts with other women. Laughing that she’s demanding he cut off contact with the wife.

  • The UBT needs a hip flask of Pappy Van Winkle 20 year bourbon. Then another one. I read the response.

    • Jesus Christ, the response!

      “People sometimes lie or “forget” to keep their promises when they’re asked to do something they don’t want to do but the consequences of sharing their truth—I’m not ready to do this—feel intolerable. While you needed the safety that you hoped would come from your boyfriend being further along in his divorce (both emotionally and logistically), he needed more time to settle into a new relationship and let go of his old one.”

      The fuck? “People often lie if it helps them get what they want. I mean, he had to be ‘settled’ in new relationship before he divorced his wife – so obviously he had to lie to you to get that. I mean, duh!

      A million ‘fuck yous’ for the “I had to lie because if you knew the truth you wouldn’t do what I wanted” people.

      • Yep. That sentence should be cut at “people sometimes lie” then followed by “and cheaters *always* lie”. It’s the only response that whinefest needs or deserves.

  • “Editor’s Note: Beginning next week, Dear Therapist will be on hiatus until April 29.”

    Dear Therapist is performing a Dear Lobotomy on herself.

  • Ok, I’m hooked! Looking forward to tomorrow.

    Some serious thoughts should go into televising these stories à la Brit comedy “Fleabag”. One of the most skilful ways of reframing other people’s stupidity for a much wider audience, it’s also really really funny.

  • Oh boy. The typical “how can I get someone outside of this fucked-up situation to fix my fucked-up relationship?”

    Ha. That always works well.

    Maybe of she spends the next five years whining and pressuring him to be “honest and loyal” he will magically transform into Faithful Man.

    Because that’s how that works. Bwahhaha.

    It reminds me of some of the women that visit their husbands on World’s Toughest Prisons.

    They met the guy IN PRISON while he’s serving a LIFE SENTENCE and then they are talking about how awful and difficult it is living without them. Or how they have a hard time dealing with the crimes they’ve committed etc.

    If only there had been signs of this…. only a hint that maybe this ‘relationship’ might have it’s trust & circumstantial challenges. Something like a guard tower, or “no possibility of parole.” Something…..

    If only the lady who married The Night Stalker had been given some kind of information that he might not make the best husband material….. like a National manhunt or something…. something to help her put that together.

    These red flags are so hard to find sometimes. It’s like when they wave right in your face, you just have to move them and keep going. Keep racing toward the love that is surely just beind all of these damn flags, billboards, caution cones, guard towers, bullet proof and barbed-wire fences.

    As my father so loved to say “don’t let truth and common sense hold you back.”

    • Or, as my sainted father would say, “If you’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphllis.”

    • As my father would say:
      “You can’t fix stupid. Ignorance can be corrected but not willful stupidity”.*

      *He usually said it in Polish so I’m paraphrasing but it’s the same thought.

    • Hilarious!! I’m LOL. So right!
      Much better to be on one’s own than saddled with dysfunction. Oh wait…the prison wives are fearful they can’t make it without him, any old criminal will do. I think they are weak co-dependants who obviously enjoy the negative attention. Certainly, they chose the criminal. Don’t cry about it!
      I’m here to say you can be very cool with your own company, your own life.
      I would never again put up with drama, mistrust, doubt. Much better to be single and mighty.

  • 2.5 later and you are wondering how to deal with a breach of trust?

    Three months into relationship and you find out he’s married, and yet you didn’t break it off. You are as complicit as he is. No sympathy from me or another chump.

    • Reminds me of when I got the call by the OW wanting to know if we were separated…turns out this was because she thought my husband was cheating on HER (with ANOTHER OW-apparently, the unknowing WIFE doesn’t count)….Not to mention this OW knew he was married whole time and knowingly got involved with him. She thought she was “special” too. How dare he cheat on her! 😉

      Love this UBT:
      Between therapy appointments and ultimatums.

      #bliss

      Sums up a lot of my marriage.

    • That’s the problem. The masses don’t respond to this with disbelief and indignation.

      Not only does she ( OW letter writer ) deserve social outcast, she should be prosecuted for fraud- knowingly aiding his deceit.

      Until we can make society see that cheating is an act of criminality- no different than embezzlement- we are only preaching to the converted.

  • She’s spent so much time trying to fish out the prize at the bottom of the cracker jacks box, she hasn’t really thought about what she’d do with it when she realizes the prize is shit. I don’t know, I just have no words. It really gives you some insight into the mind of an OW.

    I hope the wife runs as far away as she can from this shit show and puts these 2 fuckwits in her rearview mirror!! And so sorry UBT that you had to chomp on this shit sandwich. You really took one for the team today.

  • Good grief! This chick’s denseness gives black holes a run for their money. No light (or a single fragment of a clue!) can escape.

    But…she has a kindred spirit in Fuckup’s OW, who sent Fuckup the link to an article about “healing a relationship after infidelity” after she discovered that he’d “cheated on” her with me. I…there are no words.

  • I’m confused about the relationship start described by the letter writer. Is she saying that she started dating a man who was legally separated, but not yet finalized in his divorce? Or was she “dating” a man who was married, living with his wife, and had no intention of leaving his wife, and was cheating on her with the letter writer?

    Did I miss these details in the letter??

    • No those details aren’t described. The assumption is that he was separated, but we can read between the lines. I couldn’t help but read the response. I almost spit out my coffee. I am beginning to accept that the world is full of stupidity. At the bottom it says, write a letter in response to this article. I almost did and then realized, I have better things to do with my time.

    • The letter isn’t very clear. She doesn’t specify that they were legally separated when she started dating him, just that he was married and didn’t tell her. My guess is, they are separated now and divorce in the works but it doesn’t sound like that was the case in the beginning, especially since it seems to have been requiring so much effort on OW’s part to get the divorce under way. I think he was feeding her a load of shit and she was lapping it up because she thinks she’s special. Her boyfriend probably had no intention of divorcing but things got out of control and now he’s stuck with OW as the only option rather than as the intended sidepiece.

      Who knows. I could be wrong. Maybe they were legally separated all along and this is Twu Wuv after all.

      • Another option is he’s still not separated, and just switching up the lies to keep her on the hook.

        “Continued to contact him about random casual things”…maybe like a wife would chat with her husband, when she has no idea that he’s “separated”? Hm.

        • That’s my take. “Random casual things” like “we’re out of milk, can you pick some up on your way home?

    • I get the feeling he was married and living with his wife but she wants to believe it was “over in everything but name/living like roommates/separated” as opposed to her being cake.
      She’s now spent 2.5 years in the pick me dance “helping” him to “free” himself and passive d*ckweasel that he is he’s been going along with it as minimally as possible. Now the emotionally unavailable homewrecker addicted to drama is getting a real look at her “prize”.

      Sad for the wife but this idiot’s done her a favour, especially if they don’t have kids (which I hope means the marriage wasn’t too long and the wife has a shot at a second chance, unless they just didn’t want any).

    • I think the tell is “We also fought a lot about how much his wife should be part of our lives:”

      She refers to him as his wife and complains he’s not doing enough to initiate? move a divorce along.

      • I remember reading texts from Schmoopie to CheaterX complaining about the same thing. She originally started the affair with texts reassuring CheaterX that she knew his place was with me (and I realized my place was with someone Not A Cheater). A few months in, that all changed. She harangued him about how he was stalling because he was too cheap to get a divorce. Once I filed, she helped him drag things out for about a year longer than they should have taken because apparently she, too, was worried about his finances.

        Their marriage lasted just shy of a year, and yes, she had started cheating on him while he was cheating on me.

        Now THAT was special! 😀

        • It makes it all seem so stupid (not us, them!). Leave a loving spouse for a cheating OW. There’s so much character there I don’t even know where to start.

    • Just like my STBX, I think it’s safe to assume he lied about the separation while telling his wife he needed space and wanted to “work on the marriage and find his happy.” It’s amazing to me how all of these stories do seem to come from a cheater’s handbook. 15 months into his affair, 1 month out from dday, he still claims that he does not want a divorce. Umm… TOO BAD! It’s no longer up to you.

      This line from Finally Awake cracked me up… “Now the emotionally unavailable homewrecker addicted to drama is getting a real look at her “prize”

      Thank you CL for being the voice of reason and to this community for the unbelievable support & inspiration. Bye bye cheater… hello fabulous new life 🙂

    • It is a tomato, tamoto situation.

      In my state, there is no legal separation status. You either married or your not. While my X was (and is a serial cheater), when he found his new “love of his life”, he began grooming her… they met at the gym… he’d tell her how unhappy he was and she too was going through a divorce (note the difference… he was unhappy… she was actually in a court process). He told her we had already told the kids we were divorcing and that we were taking separate family vacations over the summer (while their love/friendship was innocently developing and she began her pick me dance)… I KNEW NOTHING. Our family vacations were just that – as a family… together. How he slept at night, I’ll never know. About a month into Fall, he announced our marriage was over and he was moving out. Sixty days prior, he had given me a bronze sculpture of a couple in a loving embrace for our anniversary and told me he wanted to spend his life with me. He oscillates more than an electric fan.

      But, once he moved out, she felt he was “available” to date. SO to me, a chump, the moral of the story is… if he/she ain’t divorced (ink dry and everything) then they are not available to date. Mr. Sparkles never got around to filing but the OW stood by his side and assisted in his abuse of me (and our children)… until she found out he was cheating on her too… then she was sorry, not sorry.

  • Imagine a longer letter…mentioning that they live in a secret apartment paid for with money he steals from the business he owns with his wife….and that she also discovered him on Tinder…..and that he is going to massage parlors…and then I would know for sure this letter is from my STBXH’s cheating accomplice (code name “Craigslist”).

    • Velvet Hammer,

      I feel for you and hope that your life is looking up. My husband (now ex-husband) while married to me pulled money out of bank accounts to pay prostitutes for sex. As he pulled out money in small amounts and he was self-employed, I didn’t guess that he was using the money for anything other than ordinary, basic living expenses and business expenses. I contributed to our accounts as much as I could as a mother of young kids on my grad student stipend, peanuts. My then husband had agreed that he would monthly contribute a modest amount to our kids’ college fund. Instead, he used the money to pay for sex with prostitutes. Unwittingly, I was funding his prostitute habit! I’m sure that he would argue otherwise, as he loves to falsely tell people that he paid for me degrees (although universities and the military paid for all my degrees and he paid $0 of my tuition and fees), I tried to steal documents and money from him, forcing him to seek a divorce (although I never stole from him (why would I?) and never filed for divorce), and I sought out affair partners and prostitutes for my use while we were married (although I never have). Such is marriage and post-divorce life with the psychologically disordered! At least now, at least not directly, I am no longer funding the exploitation of people desperate enough to become prostitutes. I feel sorry for the women and men my ex-husband dates and exploits.

  • OMG!!!! I’m dying! 😂😂😂. The cheater is afraid of being cheated on. Hilarious! Serves her right…..what goes around comes around. Funny thing is, I just got chumped (again) and literally told OW yesterday after my ex kept blowing up my phone for the uptenth time, leaving me “Christian like” text and voice messages of how he loved me, cared for me, wanted the best for me…blah blah blah that she was nothing more than a cheap 24 yr old toy (mind you he’s 50) and once he’s done using her he will cheat on her and throw her away after forwarding the messages to her. She was a “friend” of mine so, yes CN, I found it very gratifying to keep instilling that doubt in her considering she knew my background of being chumped before by previous relationships and how effected me and my kids. Oh the boy OW blues!!!😂😂😂😂😂

  • You know how Alec Baldwin does that thing where he purses his lips, mid sentence- but then just shifts his eyes to the side? Like he can’t believe what he just heard? Like that.

    Liz Lemon moment.

  • I love the UBT. I use it (in my head) to parse such things as this: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6861667/Barbara-Bush-devastated-humiliated-Georges-affair-aide-considered-suicide.html

    Can you do a post on how Bush Sr is getting a pass on this (and has for decades)? Even though it’s basically deathbed telling, I’m happy Babs told the truth on this. The part that kills me is:

    “George held his weeping wife in his arms every night, while she tried to explain her feelings.

    ‘I almost wonder why he didn’t leave me’, Barbara confessed to the author.”

    • Image Management, Mrs. Bush, Image Management. That’s why he didn’t leave you. I imagine that was a major goal they had in common.

    • Worst kept secret in Washington at the time.

      She didn’t leave him because she liked the perks more than she disliked what he was doing.

      • You know this for a fact do you? You’re a close friend of Barbara Bush? No?Then stop the victim bashing

        • From what I’ve read, this stuff is all rumors (some tabloids write about it as if it was confirmed and factual, but these trashy publications report all kinds of rumors as if they were facts).

          I’m sensitive about this because the Python has told LOTS of lies to others about me. I’ve been told so by people he said these things to, and I’ve seen it in writing.

          Not to mention his accusing me to my face once of cheating on him. I broke down in tears because it cut me to the core that he could think that of me. (I did close a window on the computer when he walked in the room unexpectedly; I did it because I was ordering a surprise gift for him).

          Please be careful of the sources you get this stuff from. Some people and some publications LIE and make things up. And they don’t worry about trashing someone’s reputation.

        • I have no sympathy for Barbara Bush. The resources, connections and power she was dialed into? If she wanted to leave- she would have and landed on a bed of hundred dollar bills and truffles.

          I’ll save my empathy for the Dollar General cashier who had her jaw broken and then was asked to give some of her pittance check to the mofo she married who refused to work- stole from her purse between beatings. And then the courts ordered that she keep him on her pathetic health plan.

          I represented her for free – and lost money.

    • I agree 100%. I was just struck with that feeling of wanting the person who hurt you most to comfort you…and knowing it’s just a huge waste of time.

    • My takeaway from the article “Fitzgerald (the mistress) was not a striking beauty but was flirty and solicitous and focused completely [on George Bush]”. Just what a narcissist needs. Reminds me of Ambassador Pamela Harriman and how she worked her “magic”.

  • #FitBitThisShit is simply genius.

    The thing about being an OW is… you are stuck with the cheater once they actually divorce/leave/abandon their spouse/partner. I don’t think many of them actually stop to consider that fact because in fact they are chaos/drama whores… they love the rush of being “special” and the secretive, controlling, “I win” aspects of cheating. But once they win… their prize is a lying cheater and their either left to SPACKLE (aka marry) or DUMP. It is a shit show either way.

    Remember, we may be chumps for having believed in love and honor and honesty and commitment, but we aren’t soulless, drama-seeking people who blow up peoples lives in the name of being special.

    Rock on Chump Nation.

    • Rock on indeed. But how are we chumps supposed to eat the shit sandwich gossip about how OUR behavior killed the marriage? It’s enough to drive a chump insane. Cheaters are really good at lying and gaining sympathy from huge crowds at once… even the chump’s friends and family. Rock on chump nation and thanks for the support.

  • Bitch can’t count, either. “Second” chance? Every single day was a chance to tell the truth.

    Such a stereotype.

    • I laughed at that, too.

      You get only one chance at fidelity. After that, if your spouse doesn’t divorce you and you are serious about getting your shit together and living a cheat-free life (and there are rainbows and unicorns), you’re a reformed cheater. You can never erase that cheating.

    • Yeah, at best there was the second chance for lying about his marriage, but what about all the other lies about how he was totally going to get that divorce?

  • Hah! It’s funny. The therapist running the Atlantic Colin and answering the OW’s letter is a chump herself! NPR just recently had a special featuring her story and promoting her book. He ex left her for his AP… and now she adops “forgive and understand” attitude while answering multiple questions relating to cheating… probably because she needs to sell the book with the same message. Weirdly upsetting to me.

  • That reminds me: I have stumbled over an email my WW sent to her enabling girlfriend after WW was dumped by her married AP. Prior to that, classic A, damsel in distress, KISA, seedy hotel rooms, AP’s W finds out, he caves. The end.

    But, but, but: My WW then writes “How can I ever trust a man again????”
    W/o a shred of irony.

    • They are oblivious to irony. I recall my ex telling me a week or so after DDay, when we were supposed to be in reconciation but his heart clearly wasn’t in it, that Schmoopie’s then husband was an asshole for cheating on her and she was so kind to have taken him back. All I could do was stare at him with my mouth open. They really have no clue.

      • When my cheater found out I had logged into his Facebook account to check up on his activity (and discovered he was still in contact with his howorker) he informed me that I had “really shattered the trust.”

        Uh….

        • OMG! When I looked at phone logs and found texts, as I was the primary on the account, then waited 2 days before I told him, I was told it was a breach of his privacy. REALLY?

  • Thank you ‘NotAfraid’, not only for a great belly laugh, but for the greatest line EVER to swat down someone using the Mindfuck channel of self-pity. Your Dad has my whole-hearted respect for his wit & insight.

  • If anyone feels they have to lie to begin a relationship, in order to appeal to a new partner, then the relationship is doomed. Even small lies indicate bad character. Finding there is a spouse you were not informed about is an immediate deal killer. Please don’t ever accept the whine, “but it’s too late, I love him . . . ” You love what you thought you had found, but you now realize it was all lies. You just found the deal killer.

    For those online romances, or cute meet romances when you know nothing about the new potential partner — If they lie about age, height, weight, job, education etc, etc, the message is THEY LIED. Move on, there will only be more lies to follow.

    • The lies are deal killers…as is infidelity….whether is is someone new online, or someone old that you NEVER really knew at all…they will indeed, continue to lie, and cheat…”it’s too late, I love him” sounds ridiculous when you finally realize that you love someone that never really existed. He was a lie from the get go, even if that lie started in the front of a church and a hundred guests. That is not any less short sighted.

  • “I wish I knew how to heal from a betrayal of trust in a relationship.” Hmmm, maybe she should ask the ex-wife since she knows first hand about betrayal. Ya, think?

    • So will I!

      Oh! You better not rage, you better not lie
      Better not spill your sadz, I’m telling you why
      The UBT is coming to town

      He knows when you are cheating
      He knows when you’re eating cake
      He knows when you are mindfucking
      So give us chumps a laugh for goodness sake!

  • “Set up a lot of important building blocks for our future together” 🥴🤦‍♀️

    In recovery speak, that’s called “future faking”

    Sadly that shit takes a few years of never eventuating to realise those blocks are made of the ashes of a string of cheats and failed relationships. Some people never learn. #fitbitthatshit

  • OMG, this person is driving a dumptruck full of spackle. Does she honestly think it is going to get BETTER when she has him all to her future-chumpy self?

    The dump truck also has a flat tire and is driving down a very pot-holed street. Just look at the spackle splash out!

  • I saw this pop up on FB yesterday (with Dear “Therapist’s” response and just couldn’t wait to see UBT’s reaction to it!! So glad I didn’t have to wait too long!

  • If they are married, separated or not, they are off limits. They still have a Wife and they are still a Husband.

  • “Now that the divorce is surely going to be concluded in the coming six months”

    I’m assuming that she’s taking his word for that. You know, because he is honest and trustworthy and wouldn’t lead her on about anything like that.

  • Got to stop reading CL when eating in public, and the comments are nearly as funny. You guys rock and laughter is such great medicine.

  • The title made me laugh my ass off.

    When you find out 3 months in that your new beau is married, you run like your tampon’s on fire (and warn his wife). The last thing you do is try to turn roadkill into Prince Charming.

  • Sounds like a letter from Sparkletwat the Yoga Camp Troll about Narcles the Porn clown, now ex a male who believes and has proven repeatly that he can talk any female into anything, who is now living my life. As OW she complained to my grown daughter that then husband wasn’t being faithful to HER! Its just amazing that these females think whats between their legs is so golden that they won’t be cheated on too. OW is stepping into my shoes. Completely which includes the abuse and cheating. Hope those trips to SC and Mexico are worth selling your soul to Satan.

  • “”In the meantime, we were otherwise incredibly happy and in love””

    “Between therapy appointments and ultimatums.

    #bliss”

    This is the part that made me LOL because that’s exactly what I thought when I first saw this article linked on Yahoo yesterday! I thought, OMG, I hope Tracy takes this on, because who on earth thinks that sounds like an enjoyable situation to be in?!? I’m so glad I learned to detect relationship bullshit in my 20s, and I feel so sorry for these young women who still haven’t figured out that douchebags like this ARE NOT WORTH IT.

  • My pup thinks I’ve lost my mind due to my uncontrollable laughter! I’m even snorting at this point. Never thought I’d get to the point I would laugh my head off at such utter insanity! I’m so thankful the temple prostitute won the pick me dance. I only wish she knew how the sparkling turd Christian Cheater she has won has tried everything in his power to delay our divorce. I also wish she knew he loves him some happy endings at his local massage joints. It’s been 2.5 years. April 19th can’t come soon enough!

  • Hmmmm……..OW doesn’t trust her Boyfriend. Who’d a thunk it?

    Hey look……..the sky is still blue.

    • BSOD, why, yes, the sky is still blue and we still don’t have the cheaters in our orbit. Life is good!

  • This letter writer could have been my ex-wife. She had a multi-year affair behind my back and was waiting out her married boyfriend too. Thank God I found CL and got the hell out of that lunacy. Our divorce was finalized over 2 years ago, but my ex still waited out her married boyfriend, whose marriage finally ended last fall.

    It’ll be interesting to see how they work out in the real world, but unfortunately our kids will also have a front row seat.

  • It never ceases to amaze me just HOW STUPID AND VAPID all of these OWhore’s really are. It never occurs to them that CheaterCheaterCakeEater has probably lied to them from the very start.

    “Neptune was not in the Seventh House of Cake.”

    #FitBitThisShit

    LOL I’m dead.

  • I was cackling by the end of this letter response.
    She is worried!? That’s rich.
    The more I read the more I see, cheaters are just selfish, entitled shits.
    Speaking of shits. My fav today #fitbitthisshit

  • I saw this letter and subsequent answer. Actually I only read part of the answer because it was such crap that I couldn’t finish it. What horrible advice – that is if you can really find an answer. So thankful for Chump Lady because her advice/responses are so much better!!!

  • The important thing, after all – the ESSENTIAL thing – is to nurse the poor timid forest creature out of his current relationship and into his new one.

    A trail of cake crumbs can be helpful here. Or perhaps keep a supply of Married Boyfriend Treats in your pocket as he slowly learns to trust you.

    Have you tried buttering his paws? Apparently that works too.

    (Sheesh. You can’t fix stupid.)

  • After dating for three months she found out he was married. What did she do? She forgave him.

    I forgive you for cheating on your wife.
    I forgive you for being a cheater.
    I forgive you for lying to me.

    A relationship is born. Why is this so utterly comical?

    What else has he lied about?

  • OH lord, that therapists advice was the worst I’ve ever read. It should be malpractice. I won’t comment on this women writer much except to say she’s very confused and misled and making some poor choices. Once you find out your the OW you just gotta get out.

  • Little late but have to chime in! My ex (was my wife at the time) was dumped, pregnant by the affair partner, and found out he had a girlfriend the whole time. When she disclosed this to me, she said she will never take him back because she can’t trust him. Well no shit Sherlock!!! Good guys don’t fuck married women!!! I just looked at her in speechless awe that she would disclose that to me in the first place.

  • Good topic! My Ex lost his job 3 weeks ago. I was at the pharmacy DD insurance was not working because was canceled ahead of time. I texted him to find out if I can call him (emergency) never did in 2 yrs!!! 5 mins later he put me on speaker because he wanted me to tell his howorker OW that we do not talk!!! Trust anyone!!! My Dday was he talking with her downstairs @ 2am !!! She also had a married boyfriend back then!! I was speechless. I told him I do not need to talk to anyone!! WTH after the call I was thinking of possible answer but it was not worth it. Very mature move I
    was at the pharmacy for almost and hour trying to adult stuff by myself!!! TRUST THAT THEY SUCK‼️‼️Karma anyone!!

  • >