What Are You Taking Back?

In the early days after being chumped, the world often feels like a field of landmines.

You step about carefully, so as not to set off the trip wire of Affair Objects of Great Significance.

Motorola cell phones, BMWs, the crappy hotel chains of Harrisburg, Pa.

Totems by which the affair was conducted. Polluted things, forever sullied.

Triggers aren’t part of my mental landscape anymore. (In fact, that whole phenomenon I associate solely with reconciliation.) But well over a decade later, I still carry some irrational grudges: Pittsburgh, the entire state of West Virginia, bluegrass music, goatees, and BMW motorcycles.

I’d like to not hate Pittsburgh on principle, but if that ick factor doesn’t go away, I’ll live. Whoever you are, if you drive a BMW motorcycle, you are a douchebag. But while many bad associations fade with time, other things I had to actively work at taking back. Mr. CL and I stormed Paris, took it back and wrote about it here.

Why let a fuckwit steal anymore of your life or the world around you? Do you have a personal Super Fund clean-up site? What’s on your take back list?

Your Friday challenge is to plant your flag and RECLAIM.

TGIF!

And P.S. I’m off to get a mammogram this morning. And ladies, if I can squish my boobs into a vice, you can too. Don’t forget your yearly check up!

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

289 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Janetplanet
Janetplanet
4 years ago

When I asked the usual questions after the devastation of finding out about the affair, he told me she said to him “sex with you was awesome but he can’t do this” as if that would make me feel better. Awesome was my trigger word for a long time. Now I’ve made it my own, I use it excessively and inappropriately like a teenage girl. Ain’t no one taking a word from my English language away from me !

Wreckedbutalive
Wreckedbutalive
4 years ago
Reply to  Janetplanet

After discovery of affairS and now at over 4 years waiting for divorce….more manipulation and dishonesty from him I have endured sharing our once family summer home with him and now 2 of his lovers. Family, pictures family cabin, my clothes in the closet and drawers don’t seem to be any detour-ant for easy, no value skanky broads. He will sleep with anything that has a pulse. I however wasn’t about to let that piece of shit I bred with take my happy place from me. So I bleach the mattress and pretty much fumigate everytime I go. Fuck him and his new victims I’m not going anywhere!!

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
4 years ago

Ditto, wrecked. I tried valiantly to take back the holiday home. Cleansed, purged of the first OW. Another OW used it some years later. Now we are divorced, I can’t sleep in the bed he sleeps in with the last OW. She seems fine with my clothes in the wardrobe, lingerie in the drawers. I take friends every time now. As struggle on my own there. But fuck. We literally built that house out of love and our own sweat. And he won’t buy me out. For now, I keep myself safe there.

Lori
Lori
4 years ago

Yes…. the beach…..

First attempt back was South Padre Island last year. I had no idea as I got closer… the smell of the ocean alone would create such a dread in me. I absolutely was in turmoil the entire time. Then I went again later in the summer.. to the actual beach we frequented a lot….took a friend…. little better this time….. but oh still painful. Saw the condo… we stayed in 4 times…. lots of memories there… but damn if he was going to ruin the beach for me….. last week I just got back from 7 days on that very beach in a beach house with ten friends… yeah… he can suck it. I had a great time!! That’s MY beach baby!!!!!!

On the other hand,,,, I still can’t watch The Voice.

One thing at a time…

XP-Chump
XP-Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Lori

St. Augustine is on my list of things to take back as well! I fell in love with the town and wanted to explore it more. We were members of its lighthouse society. I also enjoyed the small pirate museum.

On my list of other things to take back: Disney World, cruises, and Game of Thrones.

SeeingRed
SeeingRed
4 years ago
Reply to  XP-Chump

XP-Chump I met my ex Whore Cat in Florida. He would meet girls online, at work, at the gym…and take them to the B&Bs in St. Augustine that have Jacuzzi tubs for a night of romance. I never knew this good ol chumpy me. I took him there in the day and I even paid for the Pirate Museum probably lunch too! He told me he did this with his ex girlfriend long before we met – so when he would often comment about wanting to take me to do that I though it was sweet. But he was always broke and therefore couldn’t splurge on me. Then I ignored the frequent red flags “oh I though WE did that”. Come to find this jerk had no money to take me because he chose to take random single moms (his target victim) and he went to St. Augustine plenty of times without me!
**I know it’s late to jump in on this feed, but St. Augustine still needs taking back for me.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  XP-Chump

My ex grew up in Jacksonville FL. I’ve been to St. Augustine once and I LOVED it. I would totally go back if it were feasible.

ZoeIsPissed
ZoeIsPissed
4 years ago
Reply to  XP-Chump

Today I am taking back my peace of mind. I get the keys to the apartment I rented my myself and teen son and I’m filing papers for divorce. Yep, on the same day! I am leaving my big beautiful suburban home for a tiny 2/1 apt in the city that has no holds no memories of him. It will be all mine. I still have a long road ahead before divorce finances are finalized, but I won’t see his cheating face everyday and I will be in a space that is all mine. Cozy and cute, with my son and our pup. Today I’m feeling pretty mighty. ❤️

ATG
ATG
4 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

Well, I kicked my cheating wife out of our beautiful suburban home. I replaced all photos of our wedding with photos of the kids and me. Some of them were made by a professional photographer for that reason. My living room now shows that we are a happy family of 3.

I decluttered the house. She always said how much cleaning and sorting she did . But lets be honest, the place was a mess. It’s hard to clean if you can only manage to look after the children with a glass of wine in your hand.
Lastly – I booked a cleaning service to do a “deep clean” of my house. 3 cleaners, 4 hours, my house looks like a display home – and nothing like the crappy mess she left it in…

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
4 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

ZIP, you ARE mighty! MIGHTY! Two big steps into a fuckwit free life. I moved out of “our” big suburban home with its big back yard into a “just right for me” apartment just over one year ago today, right after I had the satisfaction of seeing my ex’s face when I agreed, after he’d told me he “didn’t see any other way out of ‘this'” than divorce, that not only was a divorce what I wanted, but that I’d already seen a lawyer. To quote Thelma, from “Thelma and Louise, “He sure wasn’t expecting that!”
I can tell you from experience that life just gets better and better. Best to you and your son.

NewBeginnings
NewBeginnings
4 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

Congrats, Zoe!!

I remember the small apartment I rented as I divorced my former fuckwit. It was so PEACEFUL. I could finally breathe…

You are on your way!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

Congrats! We’re with you and your son all the way!!!

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
4 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

Blessings of happiness, health, comfort, and of course, piece of mind! You’re not just feeling mighty, you ARE mighty! I hope to make it there someday…

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
4 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

Hooray for your mightiness! Better days ahead!

kb
kb
4 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

Awesome, ZiP! That small apartment will probably feel warm and cosy without the presence of raging dysfunction!

AC
AC
4 years ago
Reply to  XP-Chump

Disney World is an easy take-back for me. All the in-park smoking areas are being closed in a few weeks – permanently.

Cheater is an unrepentant smoker. He can’t even sit through a movie without taking a smoke break. So there is zero chance that I will ever run into him in a Disney park from now on.

Their parks. Their rules. My safe place.

Loving life
Loving life
4 years ago
Reply to  AC

I love that you took back Disney world! Me too. on my last trip with my ex, he was acting weird and distant. I later found that he has been texting his AP the whole time so no wonder he couldn’t enjoy a vacation with just me. Four years later, I went back with a couple dear friends and we ran the 10K at the Disney Princess Marathon. One of the best moments in my life! He was heavy, balding, and overweight. He could not go very far in the park without sitting down. During the race, I felt young, fit, alive and on top of the world as I ran through the park. I now have wonderful memories again of Disney.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
4 years ago
Reply to  AC

Wow. So may of us and Florida. I have been three times since Dday (twice to a timeshare we used to own) and this year, Delray Beach. There are some ghosts, but I have learned that going with other people is a lot more fun than EVER with the ex. No more whining, complaining, excessive naps and leaving me alone so that he could golf! As I travelled to Italy alone two weeks after Dday, I would love to revisit in a good frame of mind.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

I’m off to Cinque Terre (Italy) tomorrow and I dont have to put up with that pretentious git pretending to know everything about Italy ever again.

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

^^^ Attie, “listening to the pretentious git pretending to know everything about Italy” made me laugh.
I remember having to listen to Mr. Know-it-all spew all his vast knowledge about anything and everything, pretending to be modest. It isn’t modesty at alll, it’s more about him feeling superior to everyone. His subtle way of making other people feel less than him. Degradation..,
Playing up his knowledge with fake modesty.., makes me cringe just thinking about it
Enjoy your trip to Italy without the walking encyclopedia..

Mustard seed
Mustard seed
4 years ago

I have taken back:
The color bright yellow
Certain songs by Muse
Subaru Foresters
New Mexico
Certain Bible verses quoted at me
My thoughts when I wake up
My ability to be grateful and happy

renee62
renee62
4 years ago
Reply to  Mustard seed

Bible verse…me too!

Still can’t sit in church listening to “wives be submissive to your husbands” without flashbacks.
Ahole would repeat that one to me to remind me that I wasn’t being submissive. He forgot the next line “Husbands love your wives” it was implied that you don’t fuck other women behind your wife’s back.
He still attends Mass regularly. I have no clue why because he’s not truly repentant.

AC
AC
4 years ago
Reply to  renee62

Yeah, Ahole conveniently skipped the next part: Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves his church. But it’s more than just being faithful.

Ahole knows EXACTLY what Christ did for the sake of His church, since he’s at worship services every Sunday. Christ gave up his LIFE for the sake of His church. Christ let himself be tortured to death for the sake of his church.

Sigh… if only it were that easy.

Magneto
Magneto
4 years ago

Hey! MAGNETO drove a R1100RSL – Pearl white with pink rims- for years, until I got a case of the responsibles after the divorce and sold her.

Tons on fun, not worth possible consequences.

Robin
Robin
4 years ago

I took back St. Augustine, Fl. I only live an hour or so away and we used to go there often together, but really… I was the one who loved it. It took me almost two years to go back after D-day, but this year on my birthday I took it back and had fantastic time. Dispite all the losers who asked me… “Your going alone? On your birthday? Wow… so brave, I couldn’t do that.” Whatever going alone was the best time I’d ever had there. I finally got to do all the things I wanted without being worried if everyone else was having a good time.

mcfeisty
mcfeisty
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

@Robin – I love St Augustine too. We went there together but it was my spot. He has taken OW there a few times. Bastard likes to shit all over anything I love. I have taken back St Augustine and the Bee Gees. 🙂 Bastard isn’t taking away Staying Alive from me!

XP-Chump
XP-Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

@Robin

See above… I meant to comment about St. Augustine under your post.

YouBetterBelieveI'mGoing2Live
YouBetterBelieveI'mGoing2Live
4 years ago

I’m not through my shit show yet but I’m heading to the beach today with my lovely daughters and a great bunch of lady friend’s and kids. Screw him, his whore, married girlfriend and whoever else he’s chaining up and whipping!

Chersad
Chersad
4 years ago

I honor your courage ♥️
I’m still only 5 months in of trying to get my head on straight and seeking the truth I will most likely never get. I’m taking me back though ???? and everyday getting stronger and looking differently at this whole sham of a marriage. I’m still in the “gaslighting” stage and had to do too much investigation on my own. Like I told him today….I’m choosing me! I’ve been working on me and if he chooses (which he clearly is) to sit back stagnant so be it. Yes, it’s scary to leave after 19 years but better life ahead! I’m on a train as I write…by myself for an overnight in NYC! And I’m not even worried that he’s going to screw someone….in fact he can screw himself!

50 Chump
50 Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Chersad

Chersad,
I hoped you enjoyed your overnight. All this shit we’ve been dealt, force fed just truly sucks!
I am about 2 1/2 yrs out from D-day, filed once, pulled it back because cheater wife had agreed to my demands (what I needed for her to earn my trust again)….lasted all about 2 weeks.
I filed again, no going back this time. People are who they are, can’t change their wiring. Tough part, we are still residing together during the process.
It sucks, but we rarely cross paths because she leaves early and comes home late, but I DON’T CARE!!!!!
Just wanted to give you Chump hugs! Your early in the game, hang in there, the road to meh is a bitch, Vent/cry to CL and CN, we’re all here for you.

Chersad
Chersad
4 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Your kind words and wisdom are comforting. My weekend was wonderful thank you. Unfortunately as I pulled up to my house the anxiety started. Like you, I at times choose to believe what he says as truth because it’s not easy to believe the person you trusted could be so cruel and manipulative. Who are these people anyway? Like I told my husband….you need to search within yourself to understand who you are and why your choose to be deceitful and dishonest. Funny though, each time he’s caught in a lie he quickly conjures up another. I’m fighting to keep what’s left of me.

Kara
Kara
4 years ago

I’m taking myself to the beach next weekend and running a 5k. Hoping one day I can stand the site of a white GMC Acadia without wanting to throw up.

Chumpity-doo-da
Chumpity-doo-da
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

I’m going also going to the beach by myself in a couple of weeks to celebrate my 1yr divorsiversary. Cocktails, a couple of books, and people watching here I come! And, yes, I also still have mixed feelings towards white Buick Enclaves/GMC Acadias.

chmpd
chmpd
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

White GMC Acadia, too

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

(Hello fellow Kara!)

5k’s and the beach are excellent things to take back!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Hey Kara!! I typically don’t come across many of us… do you consider yourself a chump too? Cause, I know I AM! Happy Friday!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Yep. Got chumped and dumped more times than I’m proud of. But no longer. Done with all of that crap. Looking forward to the future!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

I’m yet another Kara! That’s too funny! Chump Karas of the World Unite!

I’ve taken back: our cozy home, our most reliable car, the pond and woods nearby, the boardwalk in town, the YMCA, the beach we used to summer at in another state plus all the beaches nearby, NYC, baseball, all the bike trails nearby, our favorite ice cream shop, the things we used to do near my family (where we used to live).

Taking back in the next two months: Quebec, a favorite museum

Still to take back: France, Italy, The Pacific Northwest, some favorite bands.

There’s probably more, but actually I am amazed at how easy it is to take back some of these places. Like they were always mine to begin with, and he was just a trespasser, now banished. Ha!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

That’s interesting – I can’t quite take back the YMCA yet. It’s where they met. And continue to frequent together. So, I’ve created a different safe exercise space for myself.

But, even more interesting is the other places you listed (ponds, woods, museums in Quebec) I grew up in the northeast (but don’t live there now) and many of those places were mine before moving away. Reminds me of the young, carefree self I was so long ago ❤️

CC
CC
4 years ago

Turns out Ex didn’t really do a whole lot of things with me, especially near the end. My daughter and I were often on our own going to malls, the state fair, etc. Ex must have gotten a personality transplant because we bumped into him at the mall last weekend.

Anyway, most things we did together had to involve alcohol, which also meant that I couldn’t really drink because someone had to drive. Anything that didn’t involve drinking or something that interested him usually meant constant criticism of the place/event from him or just a general pouty mood. So I stopped going to a lot of that stuff.

So, I’m currently taking back myself. Doing things I actually want to do. Not compromising on a restaurant because Mr picky can’t find anything to eat there or even not planning anything at all, just going with the flow of the day and still ending up having a good time (something that was impossible with ex). I’m enjoying life again.

I also, almost immediately, took back the room that he used to sit his a** in for hours a day. I ripped out carpet and wallpaper…basically stripped it down and remade it. It’s a nice room now and no longer smells.

NoMo
NoMo
4 years ago
Reply to  CC

I am with you on this we went nowhere together except the places he loved. Now neither of us goes since I never liked those lame places to begin with and he lost his gig so ha! Everything is new to me out here in the real world I have moved twice and plan to move again I guess there’s no reason for me to revisit the ground he has sullied.

But no to the mammogram all that radiation mm-mm

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

How ’bout thermography and if anything is found then a mammorgram ? I only go for a mammo every two years since there’s no history in my family. For all the ladies who are still menstruating, I recommend going a week after your period ends-no so uncomfortable.

ps Thinking of a former colleague who died from IBC (inflammatory breast cancer). IBC has very different symptoms than regular breast cancer. She left behind a five year old daughter in Sweden who is now thriving as an out queer at one of the Seven Sisters colleges here in the States.

susan devlin
susan devlin
4 years ago

I took back, country music, ex used to play it, it can be quite thoughtful.
I used to hate his friends, especially Swedish ones, now they can think what they want.

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

How did ya take back country music? How I’d love to do that…
(See my comments below)
Sincerely,
A Swede (well, several generations removed)

Susannah
Susannah
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

I think she meant Switzerland friends

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

The only things that trigger me (fortunately, I guess) are “new” things that I went along with as part of my pick me dance — and, thus, not anything i’m In any hurry to “reclaim.”

Jason Isbell is a fine songwriter/performer and all, but KK used his music as a way to convince me that she was still “all in” on the marriage, even as she was actively sabotaging it. I’ll always be triggered by “Flagship” and I don’t think I’m missing out on much by not reclaiming his music.

Conversely, any thing I liked or disliked prior to the cheating is still “mine” regardless of any influence KK may have had.

I don’t know — I’m either really lucky, or not digging deeply enough.

NoRainNoFlowers
NoRainNoFlowers
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Had to reply to this! Cheater obsessively playing Jason Isbell songs to me during his last affair! Ditto!! And same feelings on my part- I have no use for pathetic cliches or sad sausages.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

Love this NRNF. Let’s form a JI anti-fan club. Or at least let Jason know the powerful effect his music seems to have on the disordered.

NoRainNoFlowers
NoRainNoFlowers
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Lol For Reals.

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Sounds like you’re lucky enough to have escaped with a strong sense of self. Embrace it as you are. I lost mine in the 10 years of shit sandwiches and the pick me dance. Thanks for the inspiration on this Friday!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You got yourself back, UX. You got your voice.

KatieG
KatieG
4 years ago

A roadhouse. Half an hour out of town, halfway to the city. It was MY roadhouse. I discovered it. The sandwiches and cakes and coffee….. oh my. Anyway. I told him about it not long after I discovered it, and then about a year later when he and schmoopie were driving together up and down the same highway to rehearsals for a play in the city …. before d-day when they were simply “fellow cast members carpooling”…… they started to stop at the roadhouse. In my car. I knew they’d stopped there because of the distinctive takeaway coffee cups. Which they left IN MY CAR.

The play is over. So is my relationship and my intact family.

But I have taken back my roadhouse!!! All the coffee and sandwiches and cakes and pies and salads and whatever I want…. it’s all mine again. To enjoy, in peace.

Baffled
Baffled
4 years ago

I’m reclaiming my own competence. Nothing I did was done well enough for Ex. And I mean nothing! After years of abuse, I have become afraid of cooking, cleaning, making decisions about my own space. I am terrified to buy nice things for myself. I have made strides in all of these areas. Still a work in progress though – especially since my kids compare everything I do to the way their dad does things. (Hey, at least I don’t call my children “dumbass” and “a pain in the ass”! He never seems to lose favour in their eyes for being cruel.) However, I am getting great performance reviews at work! Slow and steady!

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Baffled

I reclaimed driving on the freeway, while married to ex I couldn’t drive on the freeway. I couldn’t bring myself to drive on our short crosstown freeway. I’d have panic attacks just thinking about it. Before I married ex I was fearless on the freeway driving to Los Angeles , San Francisco never giving it a second thought.
I’m proud to say that today I’m back on the freeway, without any anxious feelings or hyperventilating.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
4 years ago
Reply to  brit

brit, same here, driving with others in the car and we are all still alive! Ex would never let me drive when we were together. One time when we were away, *I* rented a car. *I* drove it while he sat in the passenger’s seat complaining the whole time about my driving. I said, ‘please stop,” “please be quiet while I drive,” then “be quiet,” then “STFU or I will pull over and toss you out of the car!” Now I enjoy quiet drives with others, no music on, no arguments, just peace!

Other Kat
Other Kat
4 years ago
Reply to  Baffled

I can completely identify with this–I developed a serious case of learned helplessness after years of X intervening in everything from cooking meat or fish, to changing lightbulbs or doing anything else involving a ladder, to decorating our home. There were so many things I was afraid to do after I first moved–I forced myself to overwrite the voice in my head that said, “You’ll run over your foot!” when I mowed the lawn with, “You are more than capable of mowing your own damn lawn.” Or replaced, “You have the aesthetic sensibilities of a brothel madam” with, “You have a great sense of color and it will all come together as you envision it. If not, taking something back or repainting is not the end of the world.”

I also relied heavily on the knowledgeable and quirky community of DIYers on YouTube–I learned how to fire up a charcoal grill with full confidence that I wouldn’t burn down the house or poison my son by grilling him a rare steak; how to change my car headlamps or refill the wiper fluid (so freaking easy it’s ridiculous–what a revelation); how to unclog my toilet and adjust the flipper/flapper or whatever it’s called; and how to do pretty much all the basic maintenance and interior decorating of my new home.

Better yet, after a few months of faking it until I was making it, the voice in my head faded away, and I stopped caring if I made mistakes or looked ridiculous out in my yard wielding the extendable saw or the wheelbarrow with a flat tire. I also learned what my limits were and who to ask for help or hire for projects that went beyond them. And I had a small moment of vindication that almost made it worth it to agree to one last “family holiday” dinner together with X and our adult children, shortly after I moved in to my house.

X, who is prominent in the arts and fancies himself a master of interior design, walked around examining everything like he was Inspector Clouseau. I ignored him while our children decided to join him for the tour. One of them said, “Mom’s house looks like a freaking museum,” and another one piped up with, “I know, it’s really cool.” I could feel the force of X’s jaw tightening from across the room as he abruptly ended his tour to sit down in a chair and stare at his phone.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

I still remember the first time post financial separation when I made a mistake in my checkbook and had to scratch it out to make a correction. I was anxious because it looked bad and I was wondering if I should go get the white out and do it “properly” and even then it would be obvious that I had made a mistake in the first place. Then I remembered that I was the only one who was going to see my checkbook and as long as I could comprehend the corrected version that’s all that mattered. It was such a liberating feeling. One more weight off my shoulders.

Intothelight
Intothelight
4 years ago

Ohh the checkbook. Don’t laugh OK. But I got in trouble for not using the right pen in the checkbook. DB got so mad one time he bought several dozen of the SAME PEN and put them in the drawer with the checkbook because I seemed to have so much trouble finding and using the correct pen. I took a picture of the drawer full of pens post-divorce as a reminder of what a jackass he was. Then I bought a checkbook with a built-in pen holder for my new account. Bought a pretty pen to put in the holder. Kept the other pens because I am too practical to throw them away, but took back the checkbook!

Chump Change
Chump Change
4 years ago
Reply to  Intothelight

Intothelight –

Ooooooooh, I’m dying here!!! ???? I thought MY fuckwit ???? was anal!

Hcard
Hcard
4 years ago
Reply to  Baffled

Baffled, exactly my experience. It’s so hard to explain how buying something I want can feel like doing something wrong.

Other Kat
Other Kat
4 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

Yes! The first thing I wanted to buy for myself after I moved out was a wall mirror that I saw in a consignment shop. The friend I brought with me for support said, “It’s beautiful and at such a great price, go for it!” But all I could hear was the voice in my head saying, “It’s a reproduction,” something X never would have condoned. Ignoring that voice, paying for the mirror, and hanging it prominently on my wall was one of the first steps I took towards reclaiming so much I’d handed over to him.

WackyChump
WackyChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

Same. And when I tell the truth about my story, I feel guilty when I tell the truth!!! Ex-Chump in progress here.

Baffled
Baffled
4 years ago
Reply to  WackyChump

WackyChump,

Me, too! When I tell my story I feel guilty or like I’m lying, even though I am telling the truth. Ex is a communal narcissist – the most helpful and friendly person, a real ‘pillar of the community’ to everyone outside, while at home he is cruel and sadistic. The cognitive dissonance between his public persona and who he really is continues to mess with my head.

I recommend the youtube videos by Kris Godinez. ChumpLady and Kris Godinez really get it. KG has an excellent channel called “We Need to Talk”. (A CL and KG video collaboration would be incredible.)

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Baffled

Wacky and Baffled, Same, I feel guilty, or ashamed when I tell my story as if I’m lying.
I’ve heard after I’ve mentioned one of ex’s escapades, “that doesn’t sound like Mr. Integrity.” I’ve gotten to where I don’t say anything. Mr. Integrity had been sharing his version of events before I knew he was planning to leave. Telling neighbors he was concerned for my mental stability, with tears in his eyes, saying he didn’t know how much more he could take. That he’s tried everything but I refused to cooperate.
He pleaded with me to go to MC but I refused.. All lies..he refused to go to MC, telling me he didn’t have any problems I did. That I should be afraid to go because they’ll probably put me in an institution. Crazy that I would have still taken him back at that time even after all his slanderous lies.
Mr. Integrity is able to come across to outsiders as charming, well spoken, funny, all American great guy. He’s funny, can make everyone laugh, tells great stories.
Ex is quite different behind closed doors, like yours, cruel and sadistic.
It does mess with your head. Ex would tell me I get along with everyone but you Brit, everyone likes me.., there’s something wrong with you Brit.. Scary..

Lucky
Lucky
4 years ago
Reply to  brit

It’s amazing how similar many of these stories are.
Brit – mine was Mr. Amazing to the outside world. Gave up a big career to go back to school and get ordained.

He was not afraid to step on ( or completely squash ) anyone who disagreed with him professionally or socially and behind closed doors I believe he may be a high functioning sociopath.

He most likely painted me as unstable, unsuitable and unworthy right from the beginning of his new career path.
7 years of education all on the backs of his wife and children.
New Schoompie in the Master’s program – everyone cheered them on and I was the sad little wifey at home wondering WTF was going on?!?

I have taken back the beach – it’s mine – I bought a little fixer upper right at the beach ( and he can kiss my ass ).

I have taken back cowboy boots, country music, cooking ( he said mine sucked and would always make the meal for company – but not any other time ), canning, and jazz. Camping 🙂

He can keep;

Niagra Falls. So many horrible cheaters gravitate to NF – fuck me – they can keep it!!!

The Anglican Church. Holy Shit – where to start ?!??

His friends and family. Tree – Apple.

Coke products and Collectibles. Anything collectible ( hoarding tendencies in general ).

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Funny you should mention cooking, ex also never cooked unless we had company. He’d then insist on making the meal, I of course did the behind the scenes work, the shopping, house cleaning and presentation, It never occurred to me until recently that making the meal for company is an act of image management and attention. Mr. Great Guy, is a great cook! great personality, he’s great at everything. Brit is so lucky..,
Yes, Brit is lucky to get rid of his miserable, self centered, lying ass.

I’m taking back country music, actually all music. Ex’s taste in music was limited to Aerosmith and the Rolling Stones. He claimed to be “musically gifted.”

I’m planning on taking back the beach and Hawaii. Ex hated going to the beach, he didn’t like walking on the sand or getting his hair wet.

Ex didn’t have friends until he needed to build alliances against me. For the entire 18 yrs we lived in our neighborhood x refused to talk with our neighbors, until a couple of months before Dday. I foolishly thought he was finally coming around and being social. I just didn’t know at the time just how social he’d been.

He can keep each and everyone of my neighbors.
They’re not my friends, They no longer exist to me.

He can keep his family, same Apple-family.., scary..,

He can keep his memories of high school. He talks about events in high school as if they just happened yesterday . example, “remember the jacket Joe wore to the Christmas Ball? Sue Smith was his date, he asked her out after our cross country meet. Such a sweet gal.. These are the type of conversations his brother and sisters have whenever they talk.

All I can say is weird, really weird. Who talks like that?
He can keep his great guy, “John boy” squeaky clean image.
I know who he really is, ex will stoop to any level to win.

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
4 years ago
Reply to  Baffled

Dear Baffled, this is exactly what systematic abuse does to us. It took me several years to get out of there, to find out who I really am, to recover my identity and my soul, to give myself permission to exist. My adult children slowly began to discover their real mom; now they come to me when they need a shoulder to cry on. And just a few months ago, my youngest son told me he forgave me for not being there for him (while I was orbiting around the narcopath).
You’ll get back everything the abuser took away from you, because you’re mighty. Keep up the good work!

TooSmartforthisShit
TooSmartforthisShit
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiest

Chumpiest and Baffled,

Exactly this. I am redescovering and reclaiming ME I’m 3 years out post D day only one year divorced and when people ask what makes ME happy, what MY goals are I still have trouble answering. It’s like there’s a wall in my mind that completely blocks me from me. I spent so much of my life focused on making him happy and worrying about the kids I had no idea where to even start looking for me. I’m finding little things as I go along and getting better at remembering to tune into me and my own feelings. But I don’t expect years of conditioning to disappear quickly or easily. It takes time and effort. Just like tearing down a wall, brick by brick.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  Baffled

Once again, the corollary to “Trust that they suck” is “Trust that you don’t suck”. That one can be hard for us chumps who put up with a lot of criticism over the years.

I still feel foolish for thinking “Aren’t I lucky to have a husband who loves me in spite of all of my many faults”…that he kept pointing out..

Hopeful
Hopeful
4 years ago

Oooh! That hit home!!! Thank you. ❤️

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago

I’d take back the state of Iowa, but why bother?
(With love to fellow chimps who love there)

I remember thinking I could never drive in/thru the state b/c fuckwit lives there. Talk about a land mine. Now I’m back to making fun of it.

If I could take back some bands I would- that still stings. Wilco especially. Maybe this year.

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
4 years ago

I am reclaiming my time.

I am reclaiming my energy.

I am reclaiming my idea of family.

I am reclaiming compassion for myself.

I am reclaiming my own worth.

Life with him, even post-divorce, continues to be so draining & depleting. What a surprise — he is still employing the same awful dynamics & is still creating chaos for me and my teenager on a regular basis (luckily my child who is away at college escapes most of the daily dysfunction). We are still expected to put up with his random temper tantrums and then have him pretend that the burst of anger did not occur and that everything is just fine. Yeah, no.

ChumpyMcGill
ChumpyMcGill
4 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

That says it all.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

“I am reclaiming my time” should be a mantra for many of us.

nomar
nomar
4 years ago

Things I’ve taken back:
New Orleans
Paris
New York City
San Antonio
Apple products
Red beans and rice
Romance
The story of my own life

Things remaining to take back (not much):
New Mexico (last vacay with Cheater)?

Things I don’t want back:
VW Beetles (Cheatermobile)
Houston (home of the cheater’s family)
Music by Prince (a Cheater fave)
Video games (Cheater hookup venue—never cared for them to begin with)

Turns out I got back everything I needed and ended up richer than I started! #AdditionBySubtraction

SoNotHer
SoNotHer
4 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Yes yes and more yes. I’m not as far down the path as you but am traveling along the same one.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
4 years ago
Reply to  nomar

The story of my own life. Love that.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Like.

kharless73
kharless73
4 years ago

Things I have taken back:
“Good Riddance” by Green Day
Exit 226 to our town, where there is a hotel next to the off ramp that they used.
Meijers parking lot that they would meet at to make out
St. Louis, where we went early in our relationship
My DIY skills, that he squashed with his criticism
Linkin Park, which he introduced me to.
My hatred of country music. I tried to like it for him.
Place he worked at in college, where he cheated on me the first time. I’m the boss there now. 🙂

Things I’m still working on:
Seeing the house we built
Thinking firefighters are anything other than scum
Gatlinburg, where we honeymooned and renewed vows at 10 years

Authentic Chump
Authentic Chump
4 years ago

Things I need to take back:

Carrot Cake–It used to be my favorite, until he started making it for OW because it was HER favorite

Sushi — He used to buy her sushi. Once he had me buy her sushi before I knew what was going on.

Guitars — He started playing the guitar because SHE played the guitar.

The Office — I guess because we were re-watching the series during the initial D-day and pick-me dance.

“Happier” by Bastille — The song was popular when all of this was happening, and he added it to a playlist he made to cheer me up after I found out about what was going on with his howorker. You know what, if you wanted me to be happier, you wouldn’t have cheated on me!!

Authentic Chump
Authentic Chump
4 years ago

Clearly I’m not at meh yet. I kicked him out 17 days ago, but did another pick-me dance on Monday and again yesterday, which left me feeling ashamed afterwards. Starting again at no contact, which is challenging since we have kids.

JeanM
JeanM
4 years ago

AC, no contact honey.
Press Restart…
We are here for you…
Game over…
Peace…

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago

17 days!?!?
Be thankful for breathing and getting out of bed. Don’t worry about reclaiming anything yet

Onethingeveryday
Onethingeveryday
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I respectfully disagree with not taking anything back because its early days. Perect time to start reclaiming!

Reclaim your silence with No Contact.

Reclaim your sanity with Not listening to a word said.

Reclaim your honor by ceasing the Pick Me.

Reclaim your life by taking steps away from this chaotic mess created by the scumbag.

Reclaim you health by practicing extreme self care.

Reclaim your support network by speaking to and seeking help from select loved ones who care.

Reclaim yourself in EVERY way possible, small or big, whenever you can!

Start now and don’t stop! You’re worth it!

Authentic Chump
Authentic Chump
4 years ago

Thank you! I needed this encouragement.

Bo
Bo
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Amen!

violet
violet
4 years ago

Don’t beat yourself up. This is all new to you and you are doing the best you can. I made so many mistakes, from full on pick me polka to accepting all the pathetic excuses X made.

I am proud to say all that is in the distant past. Gone are the days of self-doubt and second guessing. I live in a home I love, travel whenever and wherever I like, and do what pleases me.

Time is a great healer, as is no contact. I am finally living life on my own terms and it is glorious! I know you will get to meh. Probably next Tuesday.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
4 years ago

Authentic Chump- I used to call Mondays Mindfuck Mondays as he was the worst after the weekend with homeslice. Don’t participate in them. Take back your power.

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago

Uff! You got this!
We’re here to help.

NewLife2017
NewLife2017
4 years ago

I took back my family cabin. Where my best childhood memories were made. We had planned a week over the 4th holiday to spend there, and celebrate my daughters birthday. He came up a day later then us cause ‘work’ (translation screwing a 20 something at work) and that night told me he wanted a divorce, got up next morning told kids and left. That was it went home moved out. I found out about the girl a couple days later when I suddenly work up at 2am and told myself look at the cell records. I was swirling in confusion. But not my cabin, I will not let him take my happy place cause he blew our lives up with my whole family there. How dare he do it there, and he later said it was my fault as I kept asking him what was wrong that evening. Since then I have bought said cabin with my brother, we go up every weekend – hard at first especially for the kids, but I said we are pushing through this is our place. Now my favorite place is my kids favorite place.

HappilySingle
HappilySingle
4 years ago

I took back my singing. I love to sing, and I’m told that I have a good voice. But one of his many painful shots at me was ‘I got tired of hearing you singing through the house.’

I also started writing again. A couple of my fantasy novels were published in the 1990’s, but the pressures of work and looking after such an immature man sapped all my energy. I’m now writing a series that readers love and which makes me a bit of money on the side.

JeanM
JeanM
4 years ago
Reply to  HappilySingle

Happily Single, please share your work.
Would love to read.

HappilySingle
HappilySingle
4 years ago
Reply to  JeanM

The Fantasy series is Penny White, first book is called The Temptation of Dragons, and available on Kindle for 99p or in paperback. Pen name Chrys Cymri. Thanks for asking!

Kar marie
Kar marie
4 years ago

I took back everything except Pink Floyd and St Augustine FL. I love St Augustine it was our special place and he’s taken every ho there as something he discovered but I will go again sometime. Pink Floyd is great music but it so reminds me of all the darkness in the last year’s of the marriage and the horrible aftermath. Ive taken back myself, gardening, painting, drawing and just being me. It’s wonderful not having to watch what I say or do and be carefree.

Ragingmeh
Ragingmeh
4 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

The AMP is great. Come to a show with me and let reclaim it! At the end, me ex starter being a real dick about the shows I wanted to see and my “hipster shit music”. Last summer between AMP and PV concert hall I went to 12 shows and had an amazing time. Echo and the bunnymen, the decemberists, they might be giants, death cab for cutie, Jason isbell – lol – sorry all. Get there, dance, reclaim. I’ll go with u.

JeanM
JeanM
4 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

AC, no contact honey.
Press Restart…
We are here for you…
Game over…
Peace…

Chumplandia
Chumplandia
4 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Kar marie – I sent my husband the song “Dogs” by Pink Floyd because it felt like everything I was feeling about him, especially the part about him packing up and flying down south and being all alone and dying of cancer. He did that to me. He abandoned me in a strange city 1000 away from friends, after I sold my home I loved and left my friends and neighborhood, and he became weird and a stranger to me and would not speak. It took me over a year to figure out how to get myself together and take care of all the responsibilities he left me with – pets, selling the home, packing everything, going through years of our life together, the horrendous move, the securing a new apartment in San Diego. I am still dealing with all the crap, registering the car, utilities, getting re-estsblished back here, but I feel great. I was nervous at first, coming back home, but not anymore. I am taking back my life, and my city that I lived in for 30 years before fuckwit convinced me that moving away and isolating me for three years then abandoning me was a great idea because he could not come back and help me with anything because of his “repressed pain”. He actually had the balls to tell me recently in an e-mail that he “could be an advocate for me if I would only let him”. I was like, “seriously? Advocate for ME?”. It was him basically saying he would take back all the horrible lies he told people to compensate for his second failed marriage, if only I would be nicer to him. I hope I run into him and his new beard. I’ll be sure to let her know. Fuck these Animals. Trust that they suck.

You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need
You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you’re on the street
You gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed
And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight
You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking

And after a while, you can work on points for style
Like the club tie, and the firm handshake
A certain look in the eye and an easy smile
You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to
So that when they turn their backs on you,
You’ll get the chance to put the knife in

You gotta keep one eye looking over your shoulder
You know it’s going to get harder, and harder, and harder as you get older
And in the end you’ll pack up and fly down south
Hide your head in the sand,
Just another sad old man
All alone and dying of cancer

And when you loose control, you’ll reap the harvest you have sown
And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone
And it’s too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around
So have a good drown, as you go down, all alone
Dragged down by the stone (stone, stone, stone, stone, stone)

I gotta admit that I’m a little bit confused
Sometimes it seems to me as if I’m just being used
Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise
If I don’t stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending
That everyone’s expendable and no-one has a real friend
And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner
And everything’s done under the sun
And you believe at heart, everyone’s a killer

Who was born in a house full of pain
Who was trained not to spit in the fan
Who was told what to do by the man
Who was broken by trained personnel
Who was fitted with collar and chain
Who was given a pat on the back
Who was breaking away from the pack
Who was only a stranger at home
Who was ground down in the end
Who was found dead on the phone
Who was dragged down by the stone

Kar marie
Kar marie
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumplandia

We are mighty girl!

SteelyChump
SteelyChump
4 years ago

Tea. Cheater boyfriend didn’t drink coffee; I didn’t even know he had the equipment to make it until his sister came to visit. He had a collection of probably 30 teas even though he only drank 4-5 of them. I got into it too, a bit. He didn’t drink alcohol either, so we drank a lot of tea. When I left, I said, “No more damn tea; I can finally have a beer when I want, coffee every morning as I prefer.” The other weekend (3 years out), I was visiting friends and we sat around drinking tea the whole time. I remembered that hey, tea is nice too and bought a few types. (Like 2.) I’ve been enjoying them!

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
4 years ago

Ex was a huge U2 fan. It’s been six years since I’ve heard a song by them. I always change the station. I might take that back. Or not. My daughter and I love Ed Sheeran! Way better imo.

JeanM
JeanM
4 years ago

SSG; so U2, welp got to see them on tour Raymond James stadium, Tampa.
One Republic opened.
It was great…
Let me tell you what Poor Sausage Peterpan cried:
Cause my son told him I went: @Oh you should have gone with you.” ????
I got those tix as a gift…it was wonderful…
Hope you take your music back when ready..

pissedinPA
pissedinPA
4 years ago

I have taken back the beaches (Hatteras, NC) and Florida and plan on taking back every other beautiful place WE visited. His story now is that he hated to travel but just did it to please me. Great. Glad to hear it. I told my kids they can look forward to visiting Bermuda, Aruba, Turks & Caicos, USVI, St. Lucia and Barbados with me. Alaska too. I will replace the memories of US with memories with me and my kids. He can keep Canada (at least the part near Rice Lake where his family only vacationed). I will head to Western Canada with my kids! I was the one who planned our Grand Canyon visit several years ago and I’ve already written him out of the story. The kids can help me plan Yellowstone and Zion trips in the next few years.

NotAfraid
NotAfraid
4 years ago

This is so inspiring to read!

I’ve begun taking back his language. I studied it on and off while we were together (but not as quickly or with as much devotion as he wanted) but then stopped after it became clear that we were over. I really enjoy it though, so I’ve begun studying it again. Sometimes it makes me think of him, but others it’s just a language I enjoy. #SådanFuckup

At some point this year, I hope to take back his country too. That will be harder, because so many of my favorite places there (and my favorite city) are connected to him. If/when the trip happens, you guys will be the first to know all the details <3

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago

I thought, what do need or want to take back? I realized that while we shared a life, we never really did much as a couple other than the usual going out to eat on Fridays and maybe a every 4-year vacation. He was boring AF.

But, I have realized this year, that I lost my love for reading. Dickhead and I would go to bed, and I would read while I rubbed his back, his head or even his hands till he went to sleep. Until the last few years, he never wanted to go to bed without me. The problem was he got up early and would be in bed by 9pm and I was definitely not ready for sleep. The light never bothered him so I could read and get sleepy while he drifted off. I cherished that time. And now I can’t even focus for 10 minutes. I know it will find it again as I loved reading and getting lost in a book.

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

How interesting that so many of us were unable to read after Day…..Just one of the many hidden, insidious effects of the abuse that we endured that I don’t think many people can fully understand/appreciate unless they have experienced the ordeal of adultery & betrayal.

WCNT
WCNT
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

I am glad to see that I am not the only one having a hard time reading. I am an avid reader, and I haven’t been able to pick up a book in a year. I can’t even get through a graphic novel.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
4 years ago
Reply to  WCNT

I was going to suggest reading some good comics. Not graphic novels/graphic memoirs, but actual comic strips. Calvin and Hobbes. Peanuts, the early ones from the 1950s. The Far Side. Get Fuzzy. Having them when I couldn’t concentrate to read (and I’m an English professor!) really helped me.

WCNT
WCNT
4 years ago

Thank you! I’m going to try that.

OCWoman
OCWoman
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

I had a very difficult time focusing on reading as well. I used to read all the time.
During our divorce negotiations, I could not sleep, I started stuttering, and I was mentally unable to finish most books. And those books, I have no desire to finish.
I took back the girl I was before i married. She had disappeared.

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

Yeah, I lost my love of reading too. I always had at least two books I was reading at the same time. Self-help (surprise, surprise!) and usually an autobiography, biography, history or historical fiction. The only paper or e-books that I’ve actually read with my eyes in the last four years was books about narc’s, sociopaths and anything related to the topic of toxic relationships.

However, I’ve been reading books with my ears for most of this time. Audible.com and audible books from the library have been a godsend. I even read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” on audible. So I guess not all was lost! Hopefully one day I’ll be able to read again with my eyes.

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I haven’t done audible books but I finally picked up the podcast bug. I started doing more birding last summer which required longer trips in the car. I had forgotten how lonely a car can be. Too much time for rumination and tears. A good friend recommended some podcasts and I’m hooked. I even listen to them while cooking dinner or cleaning house.

NoMorePattyCake
NoMorePattyCake
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

I have found audio books very helpful at distracting me from negative thoughts.
My library works with the Libby app so I can download books to my phone for free for 21 days. I have listened to self-help and books on mindfulness often help me fall asleep (there is a 30 minute sleep setting). I also am distracted by cozy mysteries and murder mysteries.

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

I love podcasts too! Have you listened to the Dirty John podcast yet? That was excellent! If you have a cd player in your car, you can get books on cd from the library too. 🙂

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

I used to read every night, and some on weekends, even waiting for appointments etc. When BD happened I tried and tried but found that I couldn’t remember what I had read or even sometimes comprehend the heavy topics I was used to reading. But it felt weird because books had always been my relaxation and allowed me to learn and live through history etc.

Well I just couldn’t ignore my books they were kind of part of my routine, so I would just open a book and leave it beside me on his side of the bed because it was my normal. I started to get the pretty picture books from the library and this helped tremendously because I didn’t have to think, just allowed myself to absorb the photos.

Took about a year before I could read something heavy again, and I still try to read a little every night now. I used to be able to read a history book in a couple of days, but now it takes about a month because I still have too many other things on my mind to concentrate like I used to.

Chumpfor21
Chumpfor21
4 years ago
Reply to  spiritwoman

Weird. I used to be a voracious reader. It’s very tough for me to concentrate – 5 years later. Maybe I was escaping in all those books. Still cannot stand the sight of Jeeps. Lots of $ wasted on several.

I took back Glacier National Park. Heading there again this summer. It’s my place now.

violet
violet
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

It took me a very, very long time to read for pleasure, again. I was a nightly reader also and just could not concentrate on the words on the page. I am back at it and am enjoying all the books I missed. Infidelity is a mind fuck in so many ways.

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

I couldn’t read for months and moths after D-Day, either What finally helped for me was picking a totally different genre than I normally read. I typically love historical fiction, but lately I have been enjoying science fiction written by women and/or featuring strong female characters.

Authentic Chump
Authentic Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

I’ve also been unable to read, and I’m the person who formed a book club 3 years ago that is still going strong. I still go out to book club meetings, but I haven’t read any of the books. The last book I read was Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. I highlighted it the f*** up and go back to my highlights to give me strength during this divorce.

Beth
Beth
4 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

Oh… historical fiction and sci fi/fantasy are two of my favorite genres!! We should do a Chump book club – not to read books about chumps but to share the books that get us through. MehBe, have you read Deborah Harkness’ trilogy A Discovery of Witches? The Sundance Channel is airing a series based on the books and it is good too.

Tessie
Tessie
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

The In Death series by J. D. Robb is a wonderful combo of murder mystery and sci fi. I just love the heroine Eve Dallas, as a smart, kind, kick ass, take no prisoners woman.

Beth
Beth
4 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

I’ve read every one of the J.D. Robb (aka Nora Roberts) books and love them. Patricia Briggs is another fantasy writer who writes strong female characters. And Anne Bishop. I love her books too.

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I read the Discovery of Witches books…but haven’t seen the movies yet. Fun fact–Deborah Harkness once “liked” one of my tweets 🙂

A very powerful trilogy is The Broken Earth series by N. K. Jemisin. They are a bit depressing but also incredibly powerful and so well written.

I so need to get (back) on the forums to talk books…I posted a few times last year (under a different name) but then stopped posting after trying a god-awful wreckonciliation. I should have listed to CL/CN!!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Diana Gabaldon and “Outlander” series. Fall in love with a 6’4″ red-headed Scotsman!!!

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth and MehBeSoon – I need to broaden my reading horizon! I’ve never really gotten into sci fi but it’s because I’m not sure where to start. These authors sound like a good place!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

Try Louis McMaster Bujold as well, specifically the Vorkosigan Series.

I would so love to find a book club that reads sci fi/fantasy. All of the ones near me seem to want to read more “intellectual” stuff that isn’t nearly as much fun.

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago

CIR – fun sounds good and right up my alley.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

Different time zone but another avid reader here. Anyone read A Man Called Ove?

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Barbara Hambly has written some good Sci/Fi and historical fiction. She can be a bit dark though.

If you want strong female characters try Patriot Hearts

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

Miss Bailey, I have been a lifelong reader, sometimes 2-3 books per week and I stopped cold after D-Day for probably a year. It will come back. Do that 10 minutes and then another when you’re ready.

MANGO
MANGO
4 years ago

The Dominican Republic, my husband had an affair with someone he met online from there. He went there for 5 days to relax from all the stress from work, I didnt suspect anything( ya I know, stupid.) 6 weeks later I find out about the affair and that he has arranged to meet this “woman” in person. I have never been there but anytime someone mentions it hits me in the gut, I dont know if I will get past that…

Margot
Margot
4 years ago
Reply to  MANGO

Mango

That was not stupid.
I was going on mini vacation alone to tropical location 4 days… and you know what? I was reading, tanning, eating, swimming, sleeping – RELAXING

There is nothing wrong with allowing and encouraging your partner to go and de-stress. That’s what loving people do.

Your partner was a lying cheating piece- it’s 100% on him.

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
4 years ago
Reply to  Margot

^^THIS^^ Yes! It was not “stupid”, not at all. Marriage is about trust; trust that your partner loves you, trust that they’re truthful and honest, etc.
He lied.
Mine did too.
It’s 100% on them!

brit
brit
4 years ago

We should feel confident in trusting our partners 100%. I know I wouldn’t think of cheating under any circumstances and trusted that he loved me as much to not cheat.
We did get married, doesn’t that mean anything? Wedding Vows?? Evidently not.
He would tell me I was his best friend. Today I suspect he only said those worlds to give me a false sense of security.
Today I don’t believe a word his says..

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago

I took back…
my confidence
my delight in fast cars
my self efficacy
my home
a theater we used to go to.

And once I realized that I’m not 12 and the world has changed, I took back my independence and my old dream of playing a team sport. I’ve won a championship as a player, in my 60s. And I continue to build my skill set. Don’t stop with the D-Day stuff. Get it all back, all the stuff you loved and abandoned for a jackass and all the stuff the world took away because you were excluded. Take it all back.

kat
kat
4 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Just out of curiosity- what sport?

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

Ha! I gave up 3 frickin great jobs so that the Twat could move back to Pittsburgh. Now I’ sure its a great place to live (if you’ve never left mommy behind), but nah, no thanks. Ill stick with Europe:

Party of 3
Party of 3
4 years ago

Due to kids and school I still live in the same small town as the ex and the many local OWs (he had a fetish for soccer moms). It’s a challenge and I feel triggered each time I leave the house. But I dream of the day I can live in a place with no trace of fuckwits.

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  Party of 3

It gets better with time. I had many places of triggers where I have run into her. The grocery store. The gym. Costco. Just last night I went to dinner with friends to HER favorite restaurant. I get to enjoy those places too! It gets better. Just breathe and let things pass. That was my motto for a while.

Anonymous
Anonymous
4 years ago
Reply to  Party of 3

Omg! How do you do that?? Small town reality is the worst! Wishing you well!

Beth
Beth
4 years ago

Things I took back:

Grocery stores. Not that I love them but I can shop in them without sitting in my car sobbing at the pain of watching all the little old couples shopping together.

Canada. Went to Montreal and Quebec on my honeymoon in 1989. Last May my daughter and I went to the same cities and took them back like the bad bitches we are. One of the best vacations of my life. Now when I think of Quebec I think of espresso martinis and dinner with my best girl.

Control. Control over my body, my self worth, my finances, my relationship with my kids, over everything. Hell, even the TV remote! I will never willingly give control over my life to anyone again.

Sex. Last but definitely not least… Ex was the only lover I ever had before the divorce. By the time we separated his emotionless, mechanical use of my body as a sex object had destroyed any belief I had that I enjoyed sex. I know better now. It was him, not me. 😉

Onethingeveryday
Onethingeveryday
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I will take back sex. It’s a trigger to even read the word and your description of the mechanical use of you.

After DDay I found out my husband posted intimate pictures he’d taken of me (I was a willing participant in taking them at the time) without my consent to Reddit on a “share my wife” thread. I had no idea he was using me in such a way. I thought it was just one of the ways he was capturing the moment for his own future reference… not to share with at least 800 people online.

Finding myself online sent me into a flat spin! I’m not ready to take back sex yet, but I will!!!

Beth
Beth
4 years ago

OTED, that is truly horrifying. I’m so sorry that happened to you! It took four years for me to be ready to reclaim sex. Four years and a lot of therapy! In my case, a guy I knew in middle school, who I had been FB friends with for years (so I knew he was divorced and had been for years) and who lived in another state started communicating back and forth and it evolved into a short term FWB situation. There was nothing beyond friendship on both sides so for me it was a safe space to explore since he wasn’t a part of my every day life. If it didn’t work I wasn’t going to be running into him at the grocery. ???? Luckily it worked out just fine so no regrets there and a true sense of relief that it really wasn’t true that I was “cold”, “frigid” and whatever else ex said and thought about me. But… just sex, even good sex isn’t enough for me. I want to experience not just sex but making love to someone with whom I have an emotional bond as well as a physical one. Maybe it will happen someday. I’m willing to wait for it.

Onethingeveryday
Onethingeveryday
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

It’s been almost 12 months of separation for me, formalities of divorce to be concluded. A year of pick me beforehand. I’ve been grey – boring logistical business – rock since separating. I’m not self medicating with “dates” and I am not stuck in the loop of trauma/scar picking.

Essential to healing, moving forward and eventually taking back not only sex but love making, is focussing on my own process.

The breach of trust hit me hard. It was far worse to find he’d been doing this “when things were good”, than it was to be betrayed by him sneaking with other (3) women. You know your picker was broke when you think your first husband who punched you in the face was better.

One day I’ll take back intimacy in the bedroom, but until then… my kids, my friends, my family, my work, my garden, my hobbies and my peace are what I’ll invest in.

Thank you for the hope you bring!

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Im so proud of you Beth!! I was a faithful wife and (even though I had other lovers before marriage) I was TOTALLY faithful to him alone for 26+ years (while he was regularly side-fucking) and he sullied my concept of sex and a few nasty things he said about me undermined my confidence. I now choose to not even think of those years with him…horrible to even think of. I now have a sweet husband with whom I get to rewrite my story and how we enjoy each other.

Beth
Beth
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

UNM, thank you my friend. I love your stories of your sweet husband and how you’ve rewritten the story of your life with him. You give me hope.

Balesoflaughter
Balesoflaughter
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicorn No More,
Thank you for many of the things you have said to me. Maybe the most important thing is that you took back your ability to trust again. It speaks miles as to how far you are in your journey.
Hugs, Bales

Balesoflaughter
Balesoflaughter
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicorn No More,
Thank you for many of the things you have said to me. Maybe the most important thing is that you took back your ability to trust again. It speaks miles as to how far you are in your journey.
Hugs, Bales

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

I still loathe the city of Seattle, its a shithole as far as Im concerned…I will reconsider if something about life changes.

I still deplore the word “connection” and I avoid as much Chinese stuff as I can.

That said, the thing I reclaimed that is much bigger than China and Seattle combined is my willingness and ability to love and trust. I have found love with a trustworthy man who I dont have to monitor and life is lovely.

If I had allowed him to steal my willingness to love or trust, I would have let him take way too much.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Ann Arbor Michigan. Can’t stand the place. Schmoopie went to school there and possibly grew up there. Whatever football team they are playing against, that’s the one I am rooting for. My parents also met there in graduate school so it should be a happy place but Ex and Schmoopie have forever ruined it. Anybody who went to U-Mich as an undergrad is a POS. Of course I don’t really think that. There are probably chumps who went there as well and didn’t like Schmoopie when they knew her in college because she was such a self centered slut.

Beth
Beth
4 years ago

I pronounce you an official Buckeye fan. You don’t even have to root for the Buckeyes, just root against TTUN (That Team Up North). 😀

NoMorePattyCake
NoMorePattyCake
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

My stbx (and the howorker) work for THE university and our season tickets for football and b-ball were excellent. This year I didn’t go to a single game for the first time in 39 years. I even had a hard time watching games on tv. I want to reclaim enjoying college games. The final hearing is next month. I will be ready for next season.

Beth
Beth
4 years ago

NMPC,
I feel your pain re the games. My family has had season tickets to Buckeye football for years and ex and I were the ones who used them. I haven’t been to a game since DDay#2 in 2012. It took a season or two before I could watch them play on TV. Maybe I’ll be able to go to a game again one day but this is one thing I’m not pressuring myself to re-claim since it still tends to trigger PTSD symptoms for some reason. In the meantime, my kids and their friends have enjoyed the family tickets and I have the satisfaction of knowing that ex and his stripper felon fiancé will never have tickets as good as mine.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Funny you say that…in my Masters program, Im a Buckeye

Beth
Beth
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Really?? Well that explains why I ???? you so much, UNM!! ????

LesboChump
LesboChump
4 years ago

I am still a newbie (7 weeks post D-Day) but she’s gone and I’m fairly convinced her and Schmoopie are now ‘an item.’ I have much to reclaim the biggest of which is Ru Paul Drag Race… yes really. Ex and Schmoopie met on a RPDR fan site (I know, I literally can’t type that without cringing- painfully pathetic) so that feels really raw. But I love Ru so I’ll be back. Also the cat, who is all mine now, is named after a queen so can’t ignore it forever.

I also have to reclaim NYC. We got engaged there and it took on such special meaning. I’m not gonna lose such a great city and am planning a glorious return either with my best friend or alone. It’s going to be mine now.

LezChump
LezChump
4 years ago
Reply to  LesboChump

Welcome, sister LesboChunp, to the club none of us wanted to join. At least I have never been tempted to spend hundreds of dollars in the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, because I doubt I would feel at home in those groups – esp. the ones like Affair Recovery that have such a strong faith component. Anyway, hugs to you and your queenie cat, and wishing you the greatest clarity as you journey to Meh.

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
4 years ago
Reply to  LesboChump

Hey, LesboChump, glad to meet you even though I’m sorry you needed to join our group. I love CL and CN, but not much rainbow love being talked about here (except when a chump gets angry that their X cheated on them with another man). I’m three years out and doing much better, but (obviously) still come here for support. Hang in there. It gets better. 🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago
Reply to  CurlyChump

You’re right about that. I am glad you are both here and I support you as you go through this. Thanks for reaching out. ⭐

LesboChump
LesboChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Thanks both of you. You’re right about the lack of rainbow diversity but I actually think a lot of ex’s problems stem from toxic masculinity and her eternal need to prove her own worth and attractiveness to herself and the world. I see so much of her in other chump’s tales of midlife crisis men. Apart from her crisis was figuring out herself/ masculinity and testing that self on a string of bicurious baby gays… I wasn’t gonna stick around why she figured it out though- I already know who I am. Thanks again for the welcome

RaesOfChumpshine
RaesOfChumpshine
4 years ago
Reply to  LesboChump

If the series is still too much (I still can only follow All Stars) listen to the Podcast “What’s The Tee” with Ru and Michelle; she tells stories about how she survived toxic relationships, and the conversations about Lace-fronts are just cathartic.

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago
Reply to  LesboChump

Yay, me too! See my post below. I love Nee York.

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago

My cottage lake( the cottage had to be sold because d-i-v-o-r-c-e). I was riding my motorcycle with my club and cried in my helmet as we approached the cottage road but I took it back and enjoyed myself at a member’s cottage on the same lake.

Oh and Can I Have this Dance by Anne Murray( yup I’m THAT OLD). I sing it at karaoke now ????

monimoni
monimoni
4 years ago

I haven’t yet been able to stop a panic attack from happening when I see a green Chevy Trailblazer.

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago

I have to take back New York where we renewed vows ( pick me dance) in Central Park on our 30th anniversary. I’ll hopefully bring my lovely new boyfriend. I love New York —home for a community theatre geek like me. I’m on stage right now doing A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I love that musical. 🙂

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Cool about the play! That one is SO much fun.

Feelingit
Feelingit
4 years ago

Ver apropos as I am about to take son on a mini spring break trip next place to a place where I had vacation with fuckwit on 2 occasions. I will likely have some ptsd so I am preparing myself to disguise this from son. This is also a place I vacationed with my family when I was young and where I spent my 16th birthday so I hope to impart the good memories to son who has never been there an very excited to go. A friend of older son’s goes to college nearby and we will have dinner with him so new faces for my memory bank.

It is a conundrum of sorts that a vacation takes so much mental effort.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
4 years ago

I still have so many triggers. But I’ve come a long way. Things I’ve taken back:
– self-confidence
– boundaries
– being able to love another man
– my figure (losing weight and feeling good)
– singing to myself in the shower and wherever (ex always hated it)

Things I don’t need/want to take back:
– military stuff
– deafeningly loud muscle cars
– so many more things

Sunny
Sunny
4 years ago

The sushi place down the street from my house. We would go there for Christmas, Voldemort deliberately picked a fight with me and ended the marriage right before we went there for Christmas that last time. So a couple years later, Colorado Chump Nation joined me for Christmas dinner there. It’s now a holiday I look forward to and enjoy. No stress, no mess, no cheater, no problem. And I get to be around people who are worth it. ????????????????????????????????????????❤????

Adele
Adele
4 years ago

I would love to back my:

Adventurous attitude
Hunger for learning new things
My energy
My creativity ( I’m numb and neither painting, nor photography brings me pleasure…. I just can’t push myself towards buying paint and starting????)
My patience ( I went from the queen of patience and easy going to angry screaming monster…. poor kids don’t even remember calm mom)

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  Adele

It sounds like you may not be that far out from DDay. You need to practice self care and know that it will get better. Try to get back to easy going with the kids even if not with the adults in your life. Let them be your refuge. They are probably hurting too and you can take comfort in each other. Plan fun activities with them and use that to redirect your focus to something more positive. Right now they are the most important thing in your life. Let them know you love them. Cheater is nothing. Do your best to ignore his existence as much as you are able. You are still you inside. Hang in there. It will get better.

Adele
Adele
4 years ago

Chumpinrecovery

Thank you… I try… it’s better… and worse… and better…
I’m just beaten up to the ground….
Yes, my children… poor souls… trying my best, but when u are shadow of yourselves, the best is not exactly a high ground

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago

I took back Maine. My family has a summer cottage there. I grew up going to Maine almost every summer. Ex and I shared our first kiss there. We also got engaged there and then we got married there. We continued to visit about every other year once we were married, sharing it with the kids after they came along. The first time I went with the kids without him, just a couple of months before the divorce was final, I was afraid it would be a trigger and I would just be miserable the whole time. I was very wrong. Maine preceded him and it will continue to be a part of my life now that he is gone. Maine was always mine and it’s still mine. Honestly, he didn’t even like Maine anymore the last few times we went. He was pissed because when we set up the LLC to manage the property among the cousins it was set up so that shares could only pass to direct descendants of the original owners. Then he proceeded to demonstrate exactly why it was set up that way. In any case, now I can go there without listening to him gripe about everything that isn’t perfect about the house or the location or the weather or whatever. Come to think of it, it was mostly raining the last few times he came along but we had beautiful weather the two summers we have gone without him. The kids still love it too.

Lillian
Lillian
4 years ago

That’s so funny! I took back Maine, too! Maine is where I met my ex . . . working together the summer of ’77. We went back many, many times . . . including summer and winter vacations with our children. The day after DDay, I canceled a planned upcoming trip with our grown children. Just couldn’t imagine or stomach the idea of going without an “intact” family. Two months later, two girlfriends invited me on a trip to Maine. I hesitated but then was convinced to go . . . and, of course, ended up shedding lots and lots of tears. I was so very angry that my beloved Maine had been “ruined” for me! Now, nearly 5 years later, I am involved with a wonderful man whom I grew up with. And, amazingly, he now lives in Maine! It has been 2 1/2 years of a long-distance relationship, and I now am planning to sell my house and move up full-time next year. Something I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined. Yes, wonderful things can emerge from the once horrible!

Adele
Adele
4 years ago
Reply to  Lillian

Maine is on my bucket list…. 🙂

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  Adele

It’s a beautiful place but I recommend the Fall if you can manage it around school schedules and whatnot. It does tend to get crowded in summer.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
4 years ago

I took back New Orleans maybe three years ago– when I was a newer resident of Meh-ville, and the ground still felt a little shaky under my feet. It was at first haunting, and then empowering to walk the same streets, remembering stupid fights and my confusion that we weren’t having more fun together in this incomparable city.

It was important to take back because “New Orleans” loomed like a bad omen as I went through the confusion and pain of the “Nice-Guy Cheater Passive-Aggressive Discard.” The sniping, the whining, the moods, the loss of interest not only in sex, but any hugging or touching or kissing. “It all went wrong after New Orleans,” I would think, mystified.

Oh, it’s all so simple once you know the Schmoopie timeline!

My sister just got back from London, and I realized while she was there that THAT is the place I really have to return to and conquer. But it is expensive, so I can put that on hold a bit. Right now I am enjoying spending all my money on my house!

And that’s important too. I LOVE MY HOUSE! My little garden, my happy porches, my cats who love to snuggle and snooze. Courage, Newbies! Meh is so beautiful when you get there!

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
4 years ago

The funny thing is, I never felt like I had to take much back. He was a complete bore/snooze and sociopath and he basically absorbed my personality/interests. He didn’t have many things that were “his.” It was more things that we did (which most were my idea anyway). I did do a good deal of retracing as a mighty and meh single lady. I took back:

-Portugal: where we went on our honeymoon. A really great friend and I went on a fabulous trip there. It’s my favorite vacation destination and I plan to retire there.
-San Francisco: another vacation destination. I live here now.

Going back and making my own memories was a really cathartic exercise.

BkackSwan
BkackSwan
4 years ago

I have taken back sex, sand, and socks.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  BkackSwan

❤️

marge
marge
4 years ago

My stbx met his AP at AA. She was a well known 13th stepper.
I still refuse to go back to our old home group where they met…but I did find a nice ladies group to get my 5 year coin.

Moving on…

Chumplandia
Chumplandia
4 years ago
Reply to  marge

Congratulations, Marge! “13th stepper” is hilarious (I mean that in only the most comedic fashion). I have some friends in AA and they explained the 13th steppers to me. Is anything sacred? Enjoy your new group free of fuckwits, and easy does it!

Trudy
Trudy
4 years ago

I hate Buffalo. The ow is from a suburb of Buffalo and is appropriately crowned the whore of. I shall never go there again in this lifetime. But hey, it Buffalo so no loss. More a throwback than a take back. My take back is pretty much a full and decent life where I don’t have some boring, unexciting yet bossy and demanding guy controlling my day. Like living with a black cloud. I love living in my man free girl world doing my thing. It still annoys him no end how I do go on lol.

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  Trudy

I hate Buffalo, too! I live in a suburb of Buffalo, but this is cheaters hometown and not mine. My hometown is Milwaukee. I moved to Buffalo for the cheater as he had me 100% convinced that I was his “soulmate, love of his life, woman of his dreams, the perfect woman for him, and the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and grow old and gray with”. Yes, he said all those exact words, plus more. Now I know that was all love bombing words to hook me in and to let my guard down. I have no doubt that I was one of many, many soulmates over 23+ years. I hope and pray to knock the dust of this city off my shoes one day and never have to return again.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
4 years ago

I took back my financial security. No more paying for a manchilds toys( 1970 Dodge Dart, Motorcycle, tractors etc.). He kept most of his paychecks to himself. It takes quite a bit of cash to go out 4 nights a week to play pool with a skankella. I took back my mental health. I am happier and find joy in my life. I still have those days where I am haunted by Skankella and the lies. But, I remind myself that I am so much better without a man in my life that thought it was ok to have an affair with your wife’s cousin. I am worth so much more.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Cuzchump aint it great when they get their own credit card bills! It’s wonderful that I’m no longer paying for his toys either!

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
4 years ago

Things next on my list-
There is a little restaurant in downtown that’s really cute and unique that I used to love. I loved it until I got to see my (now) ex and Prince Cheating fooling around there (and in the disgusting alley behind it) on the video taken by the private investigator.
I haven’t been there since. I loved that little place, and doggone it, I’m going to make it back there one day.
Things I have taken back-
Anything associated with the summer of 1999. That was apparently when the first one (there were several) started. We were newlyweds, and it was when an otherwise idyllic time for us suddenly changed, as she started acting very strange and distant. I didn’t find out the the truth for years.
I just kept thinking about these things until I couldn’t care less. There was a stupid song on the radio (“Steal My Sunshine”) that in particular bugged me. I listened to it a bunch until it didn’t bother me any more.

Things I am still working on-
Several of the AP’s were married police officers. I’m still dealing with the absolute disgust with anything to do with them.

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
4 years ago

I need to work on that as well –
My XW is a police officer. She was screwing another married officer. These days, I look at the whole lot as nothing but egotistical, immature, immoral assholes.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
4 years ago

My ex used to say “Cops are the BIGGEST cheaters.”
I had no idea she was contributing to the problem 😐 .

chmpd
chmpd
4 years ago

I’m working to take back the city. He led his other life downtown, he had become known in the gay community (gay cheating)- not known that he had a wife and 3 young children in burbs. He and Sparkledick were a well established couple there. My lawyer is in the city, the courthouse I first saw him after having his ass thrown out also in the city. I struggle every time I’m there.

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
4 years ago
Reply to  chmpd

This spring I took back the Cape Verde Islamds. Went there two years ago he was as miserable as fook. I was constantly trying to eek some enjoyment out of the day. He did his best to suck any fun out. He didn’t complain outright but was hardly engaged about anything. Helped me in a kind of perfunctory way with sorting out the apartment I own. I felt bad for my daughter it was her family holiday too but as per usual he can turn on the charm for her and pretty much ignore me at the same time. I have just been back with the friend I own the place with. We chilled out, had an explore, had a laugh. Easy company that saw the positives. Firmly taken back. Boom!

Rae44
Rae44
4 years ago

What is it with cars? I can’t see a Land Rover discovery without shouting “C**TS” when I’m driving, but this is a step in the right direction – at the beginning I would have to pull over and have a meltdown. Unfortunately there’s bloody loads of them!!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago

(Had something typed out and the whole thing deleted…grr…)

*ahem* Everything. I am taking back EVERYTHING.

I feel like over the last decade of my life several shit relationships have taken from me, broken me, or chipped away at the core of who I was. I met my (ex) husband when I was 22 (before him, I was with an abusive, serial cheater and porn addict who cheated with 6+ people and told me he’d rather have porn than be with me. I had to take him to court to get him to leave me alone though…at freakin’ 22.)

But I spent the bulk of my 20’s with the husband I am now divorced from. Met at 22, married at 25, moved to a new city/state immediately following the honeymoon, divorced by 27. My ex husband wanted a “polyamorous” marriage…I did not. (I swear to fucking god if I never hear that word again it will be too fucking soon…) But the poly bullshit was actually the straw that broke my back. The nail in the coffin, the last drop of poison that killed the union.

The thing that really started driving me to question if there was something…better for me out there was there was just no room for me left in my own marriage. After moving, I tried to make new friends. He would swoop in and next thing I knew, they were on his fb, they were texting him, they were inviting him places and just assuming I’d be there. My own name even started vanishing. I wasn’t me, I was -His Name’s-wife. I said I have a name y’know and it was oh, Mrs. -His Name-.

I couldn’t have my own interests or hobbies. He would absorb them all. If there was something I liked doing, he’d take it over, absorb it too, and I’d get shoved out of my own hobbies because he’d just get more and more involved until I didn’t even enjoy it anymore because I couldn’t do anything without him being there. The interests he didn’t absorb I just didn’t get to have either because HE didn’t want to hear about it. I wanted to learn French, tried to tell him about the words I’d leard, it was “I don’t know what any of that means I don’t want to hear it. Stop talking about that.” I really like reptiles and watched the Crocodile Hunter a lot, it was “I don’t want to hear you talk about crocodiles. You can talk about it for 5 mintues then you have to talk about something else.” I had to have interests that involved him, fully, 100%, or not talk about them at all. I felt like my whole self was just disappearing.

The guy I dated after him was so abusive I still deal with PTSD. I am triggered by men yelling at me and the silent treatment (because my ex’s tirades were preceeded by extended silences.) That relationship broke me so hard I don’t know how I made it out of that hole. It was worse than my ex husband absorbing my identity. Anything I liked that my ex didn’t, you bet he’d never miss an opportunity to shit on it and tell me every reason why it was stupid. He was always right. None of my thoughts or opinions mattered. Sometimes he would cut off my sentences on purpose just to get me to shut up. When it came to politics, it was “Oh do you think you sound smart? Huh? You’re just trying to sound smart but you don’t know what you’re talking about!” (I have a bachelor’s degree in political science…) I couldn’t wear shoes I liked because how dare I go outside wearing heels when he’s not with me, I was constantly scared to look “too pretty” because who’s attention was I trying to get? I couldn’t go to see friends that weren’t female because “everyone” would think I was a whore and they’re all already saying he’s crazy for dating me. I shrank and shrank and shrank to appease this man but I could never become small enough to not piss him off.

I felt for so long what’s wrong with me…why am I not ever good enough? I wasn’t a porn star for my ex, I wasn’t as good as multiple women for my husband, nothing I ever did was enough to make the other ex stop yelling at me. Once I gained a little confidence I tried dating and I ran into men who would want sex, but “Oh, I’m just not ready for a relationship RIGHT NOW,” then I find out about the girlfriends they “just happened” to meet either very shortly after telling me this or the ones they didn’t mention because “well it just didn’t come up.” I felt like the good enough for sex but not good enough for anything else girl.

And I. AM. DONE. WITH. THAT.

Because. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. It is NOT me. It is NOT my problem if some asshole decides it’s okay to be dishonest with women. It is him, and I have no time for that kind of immaturity. It is NOT my problem if someone like my abusive ex is so angry and hates himself so much that the only way he can feel good about anything is aggression. It is NOT my problem if my ex husband can’t commit to one person or find his own personality, all the better I am no longer part of that.

I have taken back my own interests and found new ones. I am no longer shy or afraid to discuss the things I enjoy (you bet your ass I will talk about crocodiles for as long as I damn well please.) I will not let anyone tell me I am not smart, especially when it comes to something I know I have expertise. I will not waste time with men who want sex but shuffle their feet about commitment. If a man raises his hand or voice? BYE BOI, DOOR IS THAT WAY.

I actually have been trying a dating app again, and I met a guy that allowed me to put this new strength into action. He seemed cool, and we got along, went on a few dates…but then he said “You’re kinda intimidating, I hope I’m up to the challenge.” Nope. Gone. Bye. Kicked to the curb. Every man who has ever called me intimidating has eventually expected me to diminish myself to make him comfortable. And I will not. Do. That. Ever. Again.

And here is some good news:

I have met someone who makes me feel amazing being myself. He likes asking me my perspectives on different things, even if he doesn’t agree, he still wants to know. (We both like Marvel movies, but like different characters and aspects of them, and we have long discussions about story arcs and why we like each character. Same with Game of Thrones, anime…)

And it doesn’t feel like he’s stealing my personality, because we both had these interests before we met, we just happen to share them. (Not sure how to explain that…I hope y’all get what I mean.)

He’s not an artist, but he loves my art and encourages me and asks about when my art shows are. He doesn’t call me intimidating or challenging or treat me like my personality is weird. He said “I like we nerd the same.” I said “Your nerd matches my nerd.” (For those who are familiar, he feels like Wade Wilson to my Vanessa.)

I took my fucking personality back, I took my life back, I took my strength back. Everything.

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

I have never heard of someone who absorbs all your interests. Do you know what that is all about? He didn’t want you to enjoy anything or he couldn’t stand for you to be interested in anything outside of him? I’ve been in relationships that I was to learn/be interested in their interests but never one that took over mine or showed any interest – that’s a different kind of manipulation.

I am glad you are being You again because it is hard to do that after the manipulation and abuse.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Kara,
Thank you for sharing your fabulous come back story!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Thanks.

Feels good to finally be myself again. But a better version.

Hazel
Hazel
4 years ago

I’m taking back the beautiful Oregon coast. It was my home for 20 years with A-hole (Montana is home now), but my son and his family are still there and I had panic attacks the first few times I would leave Portland to visit. 3 years out now and I can get on HWY’s 26, 6 and 101 without crying hysterically and actually enjoy the beautiful drive.
Things I am working on –
Watching movies like Dr. Zhivago and Schindlers List. I was watching them on both ddays, 20 years apart.
Jersey cows. I loved them before him!
Good wine. Haven’t missed it as much as I thought.
My own sexuality. Sucks REALLY big to be married to a closeted gay man who led me to believe our crappy sex life was ALL my fault. Mindfuckery at it’s finest.