First time chump and I would have bet my life on the fact I’d never be in this position. I had a genuinely lovely husband, together 14 years, married 8 years. My best friend and partner and a nicer man you would have struggled to meet. We got through 7 recurrent miscarriages and 2 rounds of IVF to finally have my son (now 3) and life was pretty much perfect. A little after my son’s second birthday he took a job, with my blessing, which involved working away from home a couple of night a week and well I’m sure you can guess the rest…
Very quickly he became obsessed with his work, the status (he’s a younger guy in an older guys industry so kind of stands out) and obsessed with earning money and impressing the old, thrice married guys he works with. Six months in to being away he starts to pick fights, become snarky and pretty unpleasant, never a feature of his personality in the past. He comes home later from work and starts to completely disengage from my son and me. All the time, repeatedly swearing on my son’s life he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else although I would have never believed him capable of it, I did ask, as his behaviour was baffling.
Six weeks ago, after more bizarre behaviour, he announces he loves me but no longer finds me sexually attractive and knows for a fact he never will again. I asked him to leave immediately and told him I’d eventually find someone who would (this was a lie, I was dying inside) and lo and behold a few days later I find over 200 messages to and from a married secretary in his work.
I delve deeper and discover it’s been going on for at least 8 months, he contracted an STD and spent £1000s on her on our credit card. On it all coming out, he claims that he told me he didn’t find me attractive so he could move into our spare room, clear his head from all the guilt he was feeling then resurface a month or so later, telling me it had all been a mistake and he really loved me, he would have never told me about the affair had I not found the messages on his watch. He appeared once with an ultimatum dressed up as an apology (“either you let me back in the house and we try again or we sell the house and I get a clean break”) but other than that, has now started to act really indignantly as if it was me that cheated!!
I am following your advice, I don’t call, text and respond to emails when there is a need with a basic response. When he comes round for our son I don’t make eye contact and don’t talk directly to him. He’s now changed passwords on our shared phone/tv accounts so I can’t access anything and has told me to go through him if I want anything changed.
What I want to know is how can someone so kick ass and brilliant turn into such a massive douche?? Everyone around me in shock too, no one can quite believe the change in him.
This is a Skein Untangling question. How did the love of my life turn into such a flaming turd? Was he always horrible and I was too clueless to notice? Or did a bite from a poisonous apple render him a fuckwit?
No one knows the ways of douchebags. Nature, nurture, bro culture. It doesn’t matter. What mattes is the creature that stands before you now — and that guy sucks. I hope you’ve informed your lawyer about the thousands of pounds spent on Ms. Thing. I also hope you’ve informed her husband, a fellow chump. (Or maybe save that disclosure for after you secure a divorce settlement. Which better come quickly before these two are fired for a workplace affair.)
I know you want me to make sense of this, and untangle a bit with you. So I’ve asked the UBT to explain.
he announces he loves me but no longer finds me sexually attractive
Consolation prize! He loves you! He’ll be fucking around elsewhere, but do maintain the shrine. Halt those consequences. You wouldn’t want to sully the warm regard with which he holds you.
and knows for a fact he never will again
There is a Great Buffet of Pussy in his new life. You will NEVER be attractive to him EVER. Even if you morphed into 15 porn stars named Amber. Even if your orifices had orifices. No. Sorry, ScotsChump, it’s over. You fail to enchant.
On it all coming out, he claims that he told me he didn’t find me attractive so he could move into our spare room
Saying “I’m moving into our spare room” just seemed too hurtful and sudden. So, he thought he’d critique your fuckability instead. He’s considerate like that.
clear his head from all the guilt he was feeling
The kind of guilt that is only revealed after you hack his device and discover his affair. And is strangely absent from any of his actions.
resurface a month or so later, telling me it had all been a mistake and he really loved me,
HR has sniffed out the affair. He’s calculated child support. Ms. Thing is having an off day at the Pussy Buffet. He loves you after all!
he would have never told me about the affair had I not found the messages on his watch
Because this is how we express our Love — with secret STD testing.
He would never have told you about his lack of interest in you (but everlasting love!) had you not had the utter gaul to determine reality.
He appeared once with an ultimatum dressed up as an apology (“either you let me back in the house and we try again or we sell the house and I get a clean break”)
Either you let me back in the house, or I sleep on a sofa at OW’s and tell her husband I’m a drifter she picked up on the docks.
Either you let me back in the house, or I fluff the pillows in my car.
Either you let me back in the house, or I’m never attracted to houses again. Ever. And haven’t been for a long time.
We try again or you’re homeless! You change the locks, and I’m homeless! This is unacceptable.
I get a clean break
Which I declare retroactive after fucking my secretary for 8 months.
ScotsChump — Of course he’s blaming you. That’s what they do. You’ve served your purpose as child vessel, and now there’s new shiny.
I don’t know what kind of great guy you were married to previously, but this guy doesn’t seem that deep. Maybe you projected decency on to him that never existed? Maybe life was okay until his head got turned by the douche culture at work? Whatever the story, he’s not that capable of intimacy. That’s what his actions say. That he was A-Okay with betraying you, lying to you for 8 months, upsetting your son’s intact family for some strange, and demonizing you for his shit behavior.
Trust that he sucks. And trust that you don’t. The only hideously unattractive person in this story is HIM.