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Dear Chump Lady, I’m a Marine chump

Dear Chump Lady,

Here’s my story and I’ll try to keep it short. I married my high school sweetheart and we’ve been married for almost 20 years. We have three kids 20, 18 and 6.

Shortly after we were married and had our first kid, I joined the Marine Corps. Life was pretty good; we went places and were able to see a lot of the country. I was gone a lot once the Iraq War started, but I came home and we picked up where we left off. I went to war and she stayed home taking care of things at the home front.

I’ve always thought she was a strong woman for being able to handle everything in my absence. The war did have some emotional effects on me, but nothing that made me irrational, angry or abusive. I just became more aware of my surroundings. I always had my wife as my rock though and she helped me through everything.

Fast forward to 2015. I retired from the Marine Corps and took a government position in Washington, DC. We were here four months when things started going wrong. She took a position on a Marine Corps base and always had to work late and so on. I was the blind one who never thought that she would cheat. She hated people that cheated.

She was always on her phone and I figured that it was for work. Even at our anniversary dinner I had to ask her to put her phone down. I found out through looking at the phone records that she was having an affair with another Marine. I confronted her and of course I got the trickle truth that she only kissed him and so on. Then I found a pregnancy test (I’ve had a vasectomy).

Now she admitted after the finding that she slept with him, but the condom broke and she didn’t want to take any chances. Again more bullshit. She started taking the pill during the height of her affair because it “helped” with her cramps and so on. She still takes the pill to this day. She has said that she fucked up and can’t see her life without me.

All of this happened because she “never got to play the field” and this guy was “just a friend with benefits.” Since we’ve been married for almost 20 years, I just bought a $500K home in Northern Virginia and we have three kids, I decided to try to work things out. She says that she’s not cheating on me, saw how bad she hurt me, and doesn’t want to lose me (Cake).

I have my good days and my bad days like all the other chumps out there. I think that I’m the chump winner for my pick me dance though. She said she wanted a get away from all the responsibilities. I flew her and a friend to New Orleans to have her get away. I bought her a new diamond wedding ring because she said that she wore her old one while she was with him. I still watch the kids even though she left them with me to go have an affair. It was me that was running back and forth to the football games/practices while she was out getting laid. I give long back massages and sexually try to destroy her so she’ll think I’m the best and not stray. All of this while I’m eating the shit sandwich.

I know that you’re going to call me a jackass because I see it now too after finding your site. I’ve had plenty of chances to cheat but I never have because I couldn’t stand to look at her afterwards or myself knowing what I had done. This guy I mentioned is the one affair that I know about. She was texting another married guy all hours of the night for a month and a half too while having this affair. She even sent him a picture on the morning of our anniversary. I received one of her naked two minutes after she sent him a MMS. She said it was only about a workout though and not the naked picture that she sent me. She was also texting and calling a guy in Arizona while she was on travel there. She was hard to reach while she was gone. She said it was just a guy from class and it was nothing.

Untimely, I love this woman. I always have. I don’t want a divorce, lose 50% of my youngest child’s life, lose my home, retirement (she rates half) and be financially drained with court/lawyer fees. I didn’t do this and I’m eating the shit sandwich. I know all of this is fear and like most chumps I’m looking for that unicorn. I live in fear every day that pales in comparison to anything I did in Iraq. I’m asking for the harsh reality that I probably need to hear; I’m a chump, she sucks and leave a cheater, get a life. Hard to accept when you are in love with the person who fucked you over for selfish pleasure. The shit sandwich sucks and I’ve been eating it for 6 months now.

Thanks,
Chumpomatic

Dear Chumpomatic,

Let me put this in Marine terms you might understand: “PUT DOWN THE SHIT SANDWICH, SOLDIER! THAT’S AN ORDER!”

Chumpomatic, I’m just echoing the sensible voices in your head giving you the same damn order. You KNOW this isn’t sustainable or right and you know you don’t have a unicorn. You know that a good marriage does not require an unending diet of shit sandwiches. You want me to bitchslap some sense into you, or drop and make you do 50 pushups or something.

I’ll kick your ass in just a moment. But first, on behalf of Chump Nation, I want to give you a great big (((HUG))). You’re battling alone to save your marriage. It’s a very miserable place to be. We get it. We’ve been there. Consider us your scouts — we’re up ahead, we’ve taken mortars to our heads, and had our lives explode. RETREAT.

The problem is, Chumpomatic, you’re a good person and your values of loyalty, honor, and sacrifice — values also forged in your military service — are in conflict with your sense of self-preservation. You’ll keep waging this losing war because you feel you must. You’ll eat shit sandwich after shit sandwich, humiliate yourself and take any kind of punishment, because you’re not a quitter. And the advice I’m giving you will sound like failure. You’re a Marine. You don’t fail! You adapt and overcome!

Listen to me — you CANNOT adapt to abuse. And the only way you overcome this shit is by getting the fuck away from it.

Let me belabor the metaphor — you can’t go to war with a traitor. You think you’re in this war together (getting your marriage back, winning your cheating wife’s commitment to you and your family). You’ve thought of this woman as your partner for 20 years and you just woke up one day to find out she’s the Taliban. You don’t quite believe it and you’re spackling like hell. Oh, that’s not a trip to New Orleans incendiary device, it’s a fuzzy kitten!

Dude, she’s still cheating on you. She’s suffered ZERO consequences. And she feels entitled to KEEP cheating. You’re there. She KNOWS you don’t want to lose your children, your home, and half your pension, so she feels quite free to eat cake. She’s playing a game of chicken with you, convinced you’ll never call her bluff, convinced she can have it her way, and all she has to do is feed you some bullshit and you’ll buy it. Kibbles and cake!

Unmask her as the traitor that she is.

She said she wanted a get away from all the responsibilities. I flew her and a friend to New Orleans to have her get away.

The woman DESTROYS her marriage and what she really needs is a trip away with a “friend” (read fuckbuddy)? You’re not utterly staggered by her entitlement? You’re not wondering why, if she really needs a trip, it’s not with YOU?

Chumpomatic, if she’s not a cheater, I’m a Mardi Gras float.

I bought her a new diamond wedding ring because she said that she wore her old one while she was with him.

Lovely. She cheats and gets new bling.

What did you get? Oh, the bill? A twitch? Permanent trust issues?

I still watch the kids even though she left them with me to go have an affair.

Cake is so much nicer with a babysitter.

Read Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse until it sinks in. You don’t have a unicorn, you’ve got a traitor.

Find your courage, face your fears, and call a lawyer today. Don’t announce it to her, just DO IT. You live in a FAULT state — you are incredibly fortunate in that respect. You’re also fortunate that one of the affair partners is a Marine. You could hurt or destroy his career with proof of that affair. I want you to gather up ALL your evidence of cheating, document all the times you had the kids while she was cheating. And gather up all your financial documents. With this woman’s penchant for travel and bling, I’m going to make an educated guess that you have financial infidelity as well. Take all this evidence to a lawyer and figure out how to PROTECT yourself.

You are at war, it’s just not the one you thought you were in. Time to get clear on who the enemy is.

There is no dishonor in protecting yourself and there is nothing shameful about divorce. Get an individual therapist to help you shore up your boundaries now. We’re also here for you.

I know you don’t like your choices (eat shit sandwiches and die by a thousand cuts, or divorce and lose half). But you have nothing to work with. The only way forward is to cut your losses and build a new life. That, sir, is a battle worth waging. Good luck.

This column ran before and I hope if he’s still reading Chumpomatic will give us an update. Happy Memorial Day today. Hug a veteran! Back tomorrow.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Yes, I too wonder if Chumpomatic has recovered a reasonable cheater-free life.

    I was the Chump of a Marine…as a military spouse, you know they have to work long hours and sometimes cant say a lot about their projects and he used it all against me to come and go as he chose.

    Yes CL was right about how this Cheater played him (and his fears and loyalty) like a violin to get just what she wanted. I wonder if the Karma bus ever visited, but that isnt Meh. I hope that Chumpomatic found some nice gal who would appreciate such loyalty.

    • Chumpomatic,

      As a military spouse AND a veteran myself, let me suggest you are now a POW. Your first priority is to ESCAPE and not aid the enemy.

      I know how hard it is to see your spouse of 20 years as the enemy, I was married 35 years to an Army doctor (guess who schlepped around the country and raised our kids AND served in the Army while the DOCTOR did his important stuff…???) He’s not seen me or 2/3 of our kids in almost 3 years. He has ghosted us.

      For now, your wife is the enemy. And my guess is it will take her 3-5 years to realize what she has lost —- IF SHE EVER DOES.

      Thing is, my ex had so many chance so to choose his family/me, but did not, I can see that he never knew what he had. So he won’t ever realize what he’s lost. Your wife may not either.

      Doesn’t matter. Your only job is to ESCAPE the POW camp you are in – so you do NOT have to keep eating the shit sandwich. You really do have a choice.

      We tend to think staying will hurt but eventually get better, and divorce would always hurt. But I think CL is right, it’s the opposite. The pain of staying will NOT end.

      The pain of leaving is finite. We are all here telling you we KNOW this. Please believe, you can escape.

      You’ll still have a pension from the new fed job, so you will survive. (Not saying it’s fair, just that it’s enough, which is more than many can say here).

      Soldier on. You will prevail.

  • you can’t go to war with a traitor… Nothing more needs to be said.

    Hope Chumpomatic got his new life free of a crazy wife.

  • Hopefully he’s moved on by now, if not I’m available. Loyal child loving man like that is hard to find.
    Pack your shit and come home to momma…lol

  • Start unloving her and love yourself more. Talk to lawyers about your options, maybe you don’t have to lose your house or time with your kids. You deserve a faithful loyal woman!!!! Find out why you choose to love this selfish woman. It’s important to know why you don’t feel you deserve more and YOU DO!!! You sound like a truly good man. You should know this.

  • Chumpomatic, if you’re reading, here’s a hug from all of Chump Nation and great hopes that you are now free of your traitor and all the mindfuckery, am living a calm life with peace of mind and great hope for your future and your kids’. Your story is a classic of chumpery. In our failed marriage counselling our mc once said ‘I’m feeling a lot of loyalty in this room’ and the very soon to be ex said ‘That’s interesting…’ because it certainly wasn’t him.
    Chumpomatic, it’s vastly hard work to emotionally leave someone you have loved so long, but it has to be done. I still feel concerned for my stbx because he’s in a difficult situation – but he put himself there. We Chumps know you deserve far more than what happened to you and so do your kids, while she deserves consequences.

    • Just go away marriage counsellor 🤦‍♀️ They really are dangerous with all that hopium they trade.any time a friend talks to me about their thinking to see a couple counsellor, I tell them to run. Harsh I know and not the feedback they are looking for, but it’s so easy to see it’s a lost cause from the outside. Those friends usually fade away and come back months later closer to gaining their life back looking for more feedback. At which point I say, don’t do couple therapy. It’s just not worth it with an abuser. Rinse. Repeat.

  • Dear Chumpomatic,

    Thank you for your service to our country.

    I am sorry you found out you are married to Benedict Arnold.

    Marriages between people whose values and definition of love and loyalty don’t match cannot succeed. I model honor and loyalty and integrity and love to my daughter BY LEAVING.

    I was taking the marriage car to therapy for maintenance and repairs for 27 years while unbeknownst to me he was putting sugar in the gas tank behind my back.

    It is painful to find out your spouse is a double agent, but without trust and safety and respect there is no love.

    Don’t waste any more time on someone who straps a grenade to you and your children and detonates it from the safety of their hotel room.

    Good luck, soldier. The army of Chump Nation is your new crew.

      • So they say VH. My Marine husband isn’t even loyal to his dog! He’d let his best Marine brother, wife, child even Mother die to survive.

        • Exactly why I say Semper Fi begins at home. I am sorry to hear about your husband…he gives the Marines a black eye…😪

          I have a friend who is a retired SEAL…he exemplifies the brand. Wish they all did.

  • She is not a person who even cares about her family -narcissist. Leave and get a good lawyer and document document. You shouldn’t have to give her anything after the divorce. She’s the one that broke the promise not you. Counseling helps and also for the kids.

  • Chumpomatic, I hope you took CL advice. Please let us know how you are and what has happened. CL is right. You have nothing to work with and guaranteed she didn’t stop cheating.

  • This has been her behavior all along. While you were away, she’s been cheating. And it’s become her new normal. I have always heard the military does not take infidelity lightly, so as someone commented, get all of your evidence and present it. This has turned into an unhealthy relationship and very toxic for you. You sound like a decent person. It may take you a while to see and believe that you deserve better. We all have things that we need to work on, but it does not deserve cheating. You may also want to seek therapy. It’s good to have someone to talk to and a therapist will make you see the picture clearer so you will feel confident with your decision

    • I wondered the same thing–she had lived a double life for many years while he was gone serving his country. It worked well for her for many, many years only having to wear the mask while he was home for brief stints.

      The person you think they are is not who they ever were and it’s like a death when that reality hits you. I sure hope this cheater has long been left and this chump has gained a life.

      • So true. It’s so hard to realize that your marriage was a sham, your husband was a hologram, and the love was never real.

        But, like Jesus said, the truth shall set you free. I clung to that truth: that Cheater never loved me, it was always a sham marriage, and that he was simply playing a part. Nowadays, I use the truth to protect me from a romantic longing for something that never was. If a fluff of affection for him wafts up from my heart, I remember theses things.

        I remember how badly the evil harmed me. I remember his demonic spirit sneak back in my heart, when I broke no contact, and it would take me a few days to recover from the chaos and rage — which is how it must be to be him. My innocence was lost (naivete). While I am at Meh now, who I am post-narcissist/abusive marriage is still evolving.

        • Queen that was beautifully said. I’m not far out from my Dday. 1 year, in that year only a 6 month wreckonciliation period which I’m thankfully out of again. Due to his addiction issues though I had started the emotional disconnect (in an effort to help him while still having to be married to him hoping it would help me help him back on track ironically enough) and I’m not completely Meh but his actions don’t ever concern me much at all. Yet every time I have to have some contact with him and he gets in a snark I feel the same thing. The chaos and rage that always feels like it takes a couple of days to completely get out of my system. Your explanation really hit home for me and makes me glad that I’m not in that 24/7 anymore.

        • This>>>”But, like Jesus said, the truth shall set you free. I clung to that truth: that Cheater never loved me, it was always a sham marriage, and that he was simply playing a part. Nowadays, I use the truth to protect me from a romantic longing for something that never was. If a fluff of affection for him wafts up from my heart, I remember theses things.”

          Me too, Queen Mother.

          Before the kids and I moved out of our house. I took my favorite wedding picture that had been displayed in our living room for years and ripped it in half in front of him and said, “This is what I think of our sham of a marriage.” Naming our marriage for what it was slowly helped me get out of the fog.

          A few weeks ago a friend said to me, “Martha, of course he loved you.” I said, “No, he never did. A person who loves you doesn’t do xyz from the beginning of a relationship and continues to lie and cheat for the next 23 years. That’s not love! And that doesn’t mean I’m unlovable. It does mean that he’s character disordered and we don’t share the same values or morals.”

          I was real our entire marriage. He was always playing a part. Today he’s playing the part of “loving son” while he goes with his mom to visit his dads grave. Little does Mommy Dearest know that her “perfect and special” son talked shit about both his parents for years. That only a few years ago, he told me that the only person in his family that he ever felt close to was his grandmother. He’s a big actor and puts on whatever mask is necessary to win people over and to convince them he’s such a Nice Christian Man. Bullshit! I’ve seen beneath the mask many times and he’s not all who everyone thinks he is. Seeing him for the evil snake that he is has set me free.

          If you are still reading, Chumpomatic — thank you for your service to our country! I hope you left your cheater and are living a great life!

    • Semper fi semper fidelis marine..from a former soldier and army of one(unknowingly) hope you found freedom and peace. I wish the military would change its laws on divorce. If your a cheater you sure as hell dont deserve half my damn retirement…

  • This story always breaks my heart. I hope Chumpomatic has learned that what his cheating wife did is no reflection on him. Indeed, she’s a traitor.

  • This is a perfect letter for Memorial Day. It looks like Marine could find some potential partners right here in Chumplady website.

    Marine, your letter is so touching, and we all feel really badly for you. When I took Chumplady’s advice and made an appointment with a divorce lawyer, I remember catching site of myself in the mirror the next morning as I was leaving for work. I stopped, looked at myself, and gave my reflection a thumbs up, “You got this”, I assured my reflection, and leapt a little for freedom and joy as I left for work.

    It feels great to take that step to stop the cheating, and to gain a life.

  • Please save yourself. I was married to a compulsive cheater and liar narcissist for 20 years. I did the pick me dance for way too long and struggled with the thought of financially and emotionally detaching from him. We have 2 teens. In the end it was 100% percent worth all of the effort. I am finally out of debt. And I have peace for the first time in years. You are worth the effort. You deserve better. My kids see a strong woman now. Finally free.

  • As someone whose father cheated, and whose mother divorced him (and who subsequently wound up with a cheater which is why I’m here), I just want to add that, lately, I am grateful every d*mn day for my mom’s strength to file and follow it through. No, divorce was not ideal, not what I ever wanted to happen to my parents, and, yeah, it was hard on me as a kid. Do I wish I’d had two emotionally healthy parents? Yes, absolutely. But I didn’t. That’s just the unfortunate truth. I had one parent who I came to see as a powerhouse, doing the hard thing of breaking up a nightmare situation of cheating, blameshifting, gaslighting, and emotional abuse, and another who thought we should all prioritize his happiness over our own devastation, no matter how much pain he caused us. I know my mom wondered if she was doing the right thing. I learned later that she questioned whether she should have not filed and instead “tried to make it work,” but having now lived the shitshow of having someone cheat on you, I can say I’ve never been prouder of her for what she did. Get out as quickly as you can. Protect your kids by being the parent who shows them it’s not okay to treat someone like this, who does the hard thing because it might just save them from more damage from that dysfunctional parent in the long run. Love is also saying no, you cannot do this to me and to my kids. Kids need a stable, sane parent showing them good character a LOT more than they need a marriage or a two-parent home. Losing my dad because of his own actions hurt like hell, but I can see now how my sibling and I are now so. much. better. off. than we ever would have been, thanks to my mom’s strength to end that situation.

    • SkyFullOfStars,
      I stayed five years after DDay1 because quite frankly I was naive and hadn’t discovered Chump Lady. It just wasted five years of my life and my kids see that there Dad wasn’t really into the last 5 years. My STBX is a bully who pesters all of us into getting his way on everything (yet apparently it still didn’t make him happy).

      I agree with you. Get out sooner rather than later. I believed that I could make it work by willing it. I also was super naive and believed he truly loved me. When I met him he was so anti-divorce and I didn’t think he would ever do anything like this. This whole experience has taught me that people show you what they want you to see. He eventually got tired of the family experience and wants to relive his teens in his fifties.

      Your Mom was strong and so are you. I am happy that I am modelling true unconditional love. I am buying a 3 bedroom townhouse so my children have a place to be whenever they need to (one is 17 and coming with me, the other is 19 and moved out partially because of all this shit show of living together but separate) my STBX has bought himself a one bedroom 565 square foot condo that is “a great investment and has really cool features like a roof top deck”. He even told my one son not to bother bringing over any of his laundry. I don’t get it – he wants to pretend he is a family man but really he feels he’s done with family except for a few dinners here and there.

      Be strong and be true to yourself.

    • Prioritize his happiness over our devastation…..
      Yes.
      Ex told our daughter she’d never have divorced parents.
      He didn’t think I had it in me.
      Surprise.

  • I think your being too “understanding”, too nice. Your wife is probably being played, she’s probably one of many. Your life will of course change if your get divorced, but how long can you go on like this. It will ultimately affect your mental health.
    You can only help yourself, your wife made her choices.
    She left you with the children, she knew you would look after them.
    The Om knew she had kids did he care, probably not.
    He’s probably married/relationship.
    You probably never put yourself first you know you need to do this.
    I wouldn’t expect her to be pleasant when the divorce proceedings start.
    You’ve find help on this site.

  • “I live in fear everyday that pales in comparison to anything I went through in Iraq.”

    My ex husband’s cheating was the most painful experience of my life, including the death of my son. And I resent the hell out of that. NOTHING should touch the pain of the loss of your child… and the betrayal of an affair should not be the most fear you ever have in comparison to being in a war zone.

    I get it. I totally get it.

    • We all totally get it, here in Chump Nation. In the “real world” , people don’t understand how deep the pain is. Certainly not the cheater. It sucks so bad that there’s a profound lack of understanding or giving a crap about the chump’s pain. Cheating is accepted as normal, and the staggering damage it causes to a human being is just not part of the conversation. Hopefully we’re changing that narrative…,

      • Completely agree with you. Understanding that the last 10 years of my marriage were not love, but instead trauma-bonding, dealing with C-PTSD every day, and peeling back the layers of deceit and lies after countless D-Days, I am finally realizing the depth of psychological damage my soon to be ex-husband did to me. And to accept his infidelities as “just cheating” is contributing to the notion it is ok. As everyone on here knows, it’s not ok. It’s abuse. The narrative has to change.

      • It’s nice us chumps understand this, even considering a horrible, painful topic. I once explained on a certain board, I have read many accounts of parents expressing a more profound loss upon discovery of adultery, than by the loss of a child… I was greeted by “you are a sick troll”, “no way can this be true from a real parent”, and these parents are sick, etc… I fired back to this, even after they attacked me as a bitter person, crazy, etc.

        My God, these folks have NO IDEA to what levels a cheater will stoop, tell a bottomless well of lies, completely adopt a scorched earth policy on your children, and FLAT OUT use sick calculative mental abuse on these same children, to gain whatever they want.

    • Oh, kintsugi! <<<>> I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. I only know the pain of betrayal, and my worst fear is losing a child. I’m so so so so sorry. Way to put a point on all of this. All I can do is say that I see you, mama.

  • I too would have done anything to save my marriage but he was not interested at all – let alone gave me a weekend away .

    As CL said you have nothing to work with and being short of money is nothing compared to trying to carry on with someone who has lied/ manipulated/ betrayed you.
    You can always save back up get a second / third job but you can never turn back time and forget that feeling of betrayal .

  • You definitely deserve better. My ex husband who I’m in the process of finalizing divorce proceedings with was always traveling abroad to “ secure” our future. He is into real estate investing in Nigeria. He travels at least 6 to 7 times a year and “ conducts business” abroad for anywhere from 3 to 8 weeks each time he leaves me and our 4 children, ages 21, 18, 13, abd 10. All boys. He started “building” these structures abroad shortly after I had my first son and Chump that I am had the good faith of trusting that he was sacrificing his time and money by traveling and investing for me and his children.

    Only to discover very late into the marriage that this man was living in the laps of luxury , spending his money on pubescent girls abroad. While I space away like a single mother to the chagrin of friends and family who noted that I was always alone, pushing strollers, and spending many lonely nights by myself. He would lash out if I complained telling me that that was his only means of livilhood and he had no choice but to travel to make said money. All the time, secretly living like a bachelor and being caught with young girls on different night outings. Even when the children and I relocated to Africa to be close to him, that didn’t stop his nightly rendezvous with girls, coming in at 1,2 or 3 in the morning. Completely taking advantage of my naïveté and religious beliefs that a woman should stay and work on her marriage.

    One of the nights after he came back late at night, after recently returning from a trip from Toronto, I was in Africa trying to be a “good Christian. Wife” chump that I am, I unpacked his luggage and noticed on that there were some receipts at the bottom of his hand luggage. Many of the items on this receipt were feline products. Like jewelry (£500 worth), and expensive his and hers perfumes. I knew he had bought me two sandals for Summer during this trip, which I really liked, but both of them came to about £150 combined. No jewelry or perfume did my eye see.

    Well, when he came back, I was obviously very ticked by now, not because of the fact that he had bought something of less value for me, but I was extremely angry at myself for seeing all the writings on the wall all these years and still believing all his lies that he wasn’t cheating.

    Long story short, after I accused him of having a “ side Chick” he exploded in anger at my gall and audacity of going through his luggage, and called up his friend in a rage and demanded that his friend lie to me that the said jewelry belonged to his friends wife. “ Tell this Bitch!!” He yelled, as he handed me the phone to hear more lies from his friend. To say that I was appalled, mortified, and in extreme shock is an understatement.

    I turned on my heels and headed for the door, telling him I was leaving. You know what this man said to me? “ Oh!! And you must leave!” “ Take your children and leave”!!! The time at this point was 1030 on at night, and if any of you know Nigeria well, you will know that many people especially women, don’t make it s habit of driving out to Hod knows where at that time of night. He followed me, yelling that I had to leave. As my chikdren’s Nanny and my house keeper at the time stated in shock as this man chased me out of the house, I could not bear the embarrassment.

    I drove the Sequoie we had jointly purchased before I relocated out of the compound after Stella g my 2 older children to get ready. They had heard everything their father had said to me. Even though I kept telling him to lower his voice, he screamed even louder, not caring if his behaviour traumatized me AND the children. BTW, he made sure to scream at them once before they left with me.

    Yet, not once did I cheat on him.

    I wish I did. He does not deserve anything but the worst type of woman, and I hope he gets his just deserts someday.

    He refused to go through with signing g the final divorce papers, stating “ we don’t get divorced from where I come from”.

    I can barely stand the sight of him now; but I enjoy his frequent absences and now have a job working as an ICU nurse upNorth. I try to extend my stay to extend over a 3to 6 week period while he stays home with the children whenever he’s around. He still pays the mortgage, and the house is in my name only, which was our agreement since everything he owns in Africa is legally out of my reach in the event of this divorce.

    Now , all of a sudden, he says I can’t sell the house, it’s a 3 bedroom Townhouse and I know it’s not a lot after 23 years of marriage, but I would like to severe all ties with him without necessarily losing out financially, if he does decide to stop the mortgage payments after the divorce goes through.

    Dear Chumplady, please advice.😪😢

    • @ChumpIsMe – Please go and see a lawyer. You are being held prisoner by someone whose only real power over you is in your own mind. You mention that you are in Canada – there are lots of great resources available for you to allow you to break free. It will be tough – very tough – but you need to do it for you and for your boys.

      Just because he says that you can’t touch those assets doesn’t mean squat. But good professional advice is what you need now along with great big hugs from all at CN.

      BT

    • Yes, please see a lawyer. I worry about your safety and your children’s. Do not tell him you are doing this. Just do it and see what your rights are. And please have yourself checked for STDs. I know you’re a nurse (thank goodness you have a profession!) but it’s hard to protect your own health at times like this.

      Next time, don’t tell him you’re leaving. Or confront him. Be stealth and do it. But first PLEASE get some legal help.

    • I agree with CL; do not leave the children alone with him. He is a power-oriented abuser, and children are at risk from such abusers, especially if he thinks you may leave him. If he can’t get control over you, there is a higher-than-average risk that he will inflict his revenge on you by harming the children.

  • My heart hurts for you marine. Please get out now. She is so unworthy of you. Eventually you will find someone who is if that is what you want. Men with your morals and standards are a privilege for worthy women.. and there aren’t enough of you. (((Hugs)))

  • I hope Chumpomatic posts an update.
    I hope he was mighty and fought the war at home and won.
    Our military deserves loyalty and fidelity from the biggest reasons they serve.

  • I hope he’s divorced now. I also hope his lawyer insisted on DNA testing all the kids and he destroyed her sidefucks careers and lies to their spouses (if any of them were married). Eww.

  • Chumpomatic,
    Thank you for your service to our country. Thank you for protecting us and our freedoms.
    Now….protect YOURS.
    You buying her a ring for fucking around on you….while your intentions were noble…she was testing your devotion to her.
    She will continue to cheat. Period. Because you already proved to her ….SHE CAN.
    Cheating is prevalent in the military. My Ex Sister in Law cheated on her husband while he was out to sea with the Navy. Women like them disgust me.
    You are at war…and you won’t win while you are sleeping with the enemy.

    Prayers for you!!!

  • She sounds awful. Get out and don’t look back.

    But….”I give long back massages and sexually try to destroy her so she’ll think I’m the best”? What the hell is that?

    And “I still watch the kids”? They’re YOUR kids, so I’m not sure why that in itself is worthy of praise.

    She’s worse, but I’m not convinced this guy’s a prize, either.

    • Let me translate. He goes all out to please her in bed thinking if he tries his hardest she will snap out of her
      entitlement. She won’t. Sounds like he’s doing most of the parenting while she’s off cavorting disguised as “working”.

      Please don’t take potshots at a fellow chump. Not supportive. At all.

  • “I live in fear every day that pales in comparison to anything I did in Iraq.”

    First and foremost thank you for your service.

    Secondly thank you for validating those of us who’ve gotten through this (mostly). I mean if a marine says it’s hard and pales in comparison to war zone– well everyone who ever said “get over it already” can officially go fuck themselves.

    my ex was a serial cheater and abusive narc but I thought we had a strong enough love to make a unicorn. I didn’t realize how profound my sisters words were until about 2 years after she said it:

    “You give 90% and he gives 10%. You love hard enough for the both of you and that’s why it seems like it’s enough”

    Chumpomatic, love your yourself 100% and then IF you want- go find someone who will at the very least meet you in the middle.

    –FORMER chump and damn proud.

  • I hope that Chumpomatic sees the messages here.

    As a fellow veteran, I thank him for his service. I am sad that you married an ungrateful, unloving person and that one of your ‘comrades’ had an affair with her. As a female vet, I have seen some really bad behavior from many vets. (My last relationship, one that I had hoped would end in marriage but instead went belly up when he left me for his young (civilian) work subordinate, was with a fellow officer who I thought I knew for 30 years. Yeah, I felt stabbed in the back. He was the last man I trusted. Most people view him as a poster boy. It was amazing that I trusted anyone after my husband, who had left me several months before my last partner and I started dating. So the abandonment by my last boyfriend, who I would have thrown myself on a grenade to protect, was quite painful as I realized that he viewed me as just a disposable convenience item. Now, I trust nobody.

    I hope life is looking up for Chumptopia and wish that there were more men like him!

  • Takes the birth control pill to help with cramps ? Riiiight… I used to suffer from terrible menstrual cramps and was thrilled when my prescription for naproxen sodium became available over the counter (under the brand name Aleve here in the States). Nothing else worked (Tylenol,etc.)

    Run Marine Chump like you’re in boot camp being yelled at by your commander. Your wife is full of it and disrespecting you and your children.

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