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Dear Chump Lady, Why do you use foul language?

Dear Chump Lady,

Why do you use foul language? My wife cringes when I use bad language (she is a linguist). It detracts from your heartfelt advice.

I bought your book on Amazon and it is right on. Do yourself a favor and cut out the potty mouth.

Your truly,

Jim

Dear Jim,

Thank you for your concern about my potty mouth.

I blame my upbringing. I learned to curse from my father — a United Methodist minister. He takes the Lord’s name in vain every time he drives, operates a radio, or dresses himself. And yet, they let him baptize people. Go figure.

Christ on a crutch, Goddamnsonofabitch, and Jesus H. Kee-Rist are as comfortable to me as old hymns. (I know a lot of those too.) And if you think that’s bad, you should’ve met my grandfather.

What time is it, Grandpa?

Milking time! Grab a tit!

(Or, “Time for all fools to be dead. Ain’t you feeling sick?”)

Perhaps your wife the linguist needs to get out more.

Why is my writing of interest to you anyway? Is your wife a cheater as well as a linguist? Perhaps she should look up the etymology of “hypocrite.”

Gotta love the pearl-clutchers who shag randos and then take offense at four-letter words.

I run a liberation campaign from fuckwits here, Jim. When discussing sex and power, all the satisfying words are naughty.

I don’t know how to write about infidelity without profanity. When I went through it, I found myself channeling fishwives. I assure you, I’m a pretty pleasant, granola-headed person ordinarily. But when I was chumped, I had no words to describe it that were not transgressive, because the experience was transgressive.

I curse because the subject makes me angry, JIm. I know, an angry woman is unattractive. (You should see my Medusa hair. I’m the total Gorgon package.) These days, with fuckwits assaulting our reproductive freedoms, I feel like chaining myself to federal buildings or immolating myself in front of the Alabama state house. And yet, Jim, I content myself with fuck.

I think I’m exercising incredible restraint, all things considered.

Of course, as a writer, I do worry sometimes that I’ve over-egged the pudding. How much cursing is too much cursing? Is it lazy? Am I strident? Is there a kinder way to say “I wish Jesus would descend from a cloud of angels and thug-kick your deadbeat”?

But I wonder, Jim, why you feel the need to do me a “favor” and tell me how to write? Do you read Bukowski and wish for less suicidal ideation? Expect Wagner operas to be more hummable?

I’m a chump with a potty mouth. A woman with a platform. I’m not doing market surveys on how fuck is trending. This is not an exercise in consensus — I write in my own voice. I created this place to support people and I let them say fuck too. Because when you’re deep in the shit, you need somewhere to be righteously pissed. Or sad. Or viciously snarky. I’m not censoring chump feelings. Things can get quite raw.

If Chump Lady is not the flavor of which you like your support, I invite you to create your own fuck-free environment.

And if you don’t like salty language in your self-help books, please enjoy the vast array of bland, dry, but earnestly blameshifting RIC resources available.

My book is not those books. I wrote my book to be provocative. Because I was tired of all the soppy infidelity euphemisms. Wayward. Betrayed spouse. Affair fog. I was offended at language that sanitized abuse, or worse, romanticized it. Do you have trust issues? Hey, affairs are exuberant acts of defiance! Did a cheater give you the clap? He was on a quest for aliveness! And isn’t his happiness worth more than your abnormal Pap smears?

The resources also — nicely! politely! without a single fuck! — blamed me for my part. Did I anger him? Fail to meet his needs? They assumed I would be giving this save-my-marriage shit all MY effort. Even if it took “on average” 4 to 7 years of sobbing. It’s a rollercoaster! And don’t you want to spend 7 years puking on a carnie ride for a chance at a Much Stronger Marriage?

(Where is cheater? In a fog. Grieving Schmoopie. It’s hard for cheaters. Harder really. Setbacks are to be expected! So book another therapy appointment. That will be $180.)

Oh, I ROARED with FUCK, Jim.

I dumped the cheater, built a better new life, and a few years later (fucks still fomenting), I wrote the chump book I wish existed.

It says FUCK.

As in, fuck no, it’s not the chump’s fault.

Fuck those fucking Switzerland fucks.

Fuck the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.

Yes, I want to shock you, JIm.. My fuckity fucks are deliberate. I want to smack you the fuck out of your hopium haze. And I’m not nice about it. Which is rather the point — GET MAD. DO SOMETHING. PROTECT YOURSELF.

Straight talk is not a soft pillow. Strong messages are often laced with profanity. I tell people things they don’t want to hear (“You don’t control that.”) Which I would argue is a kindness compared with the send-me-$399-to-affair-proof-your-marriage bozos monetizing false hope.

George Bernard Shaw said: “All great truths begin as blasphemies.”

Don’t say fuck?

Fuck that.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.

    • I dont see Jim saying anything except he doesnt like cuss words. Maybe i am just a chump but i think Jim has been brainwashed. .. .. i say welcome Jim. He needs this message too if he can get past the profanity. Can you imagine your wife cringing at your words? Wasband once told me that “sometimes he cant stand the sound of my voice” only sometime thou so why you mad? Messed me up in the head pretty good because i was never sure when thise times were. I spent days and weeks and months trying to look back at ever argument we had, i was timid on every new arguement.. .. worried that the sound of my voice was bothering HIM.

      Jim obviously bought the book for some reason. I pray he finds what he is looking for. I am sure there is more then just his wife cringing at his talking, she is obviously making jim feel bad about himself. Which is not ok.

      Good luck Jim. Dont worry about the cuss words. Sometimes strong words are needed to discribe what is going on

      • Mrs. Vain, I’m not sure if you are right, but I know that you are kind, and I hope that Jim is a person (even perhaps a chump) who can benefit from your kindness. And I thank you for your message — the reminder that “sometimes strong words are needed to describe what’s going on” is getting written in my journal today.

        • thank you medusa.. ..
          i am just a chump and my kindness often gets used against me. maybe everyone else is seeing something i am not but if Jim is a person who can benefit from my kindness then i would be glad. if he is a person who takes advantage of others kindness well then i fell right into that one.

          i have many things written to remind myself. haha
          most are posted on my computer monitor since i am at this computer 8 to 5.
          have a peaceful day.

    • I read a study that said that people that curse are generally the most honest…..so swear away Merrill, swear away (reference to the Movie “Signs”).

    • “…the message that it isn’t what the cheater has done but rather how the chump responds to it that is the problem.” #nailedit

    • Foul situations deserve foul language. Betrayal is a one of those foul situations. Saying “fuck off & die cheater” helps you heal.

    • I think he wants his cheater wife to read the book but knows the language will put her off. Book isn’t for cheater. It’s for the chump.

      • Jim replied below. His wife isn’t a cheater. He was chumped in a previous relationship.

    • Chumps cursing in reaction to the humiliation of betrayal, isn’t hurting anyone. If someone is offended they’re free to move on. I doubt there are many people who have had their lives implode by cheater are offended when hearing a bad on CN. I’m more offended whenever I read a Cheater story here on CN. After reading the betrayal stories here on CN,
      cursing should be the least of a Cheaters’ concerns.

    • My h was outraged every time I used word “ whore”- apparently, abusing another human being for $$ was perfectly ok, risking my life by having unprotected sex was fine… but using a “ whore” word was too distasteful and disrespectful (!) in civilized conversation…
      Fuck it!!!
      I was always soft spoken … mindfuckery and destruction seems to have an interesting effect on me;)

      • Yep, mine too. Pearl-clutching Jesus cheater. He would NEVER swear! But lie, cheat, and steal? All day, every day.

        • That’s it! Chumps are soft spoken people. So cursing ???? is a good way for chumps it take back their power!! Therapeutic foul language!

        • Mine was appalled when I said shit, “I’m tired of your bullshit,” he then called me white trash, and trailer trash.
          He must have forgotten where he came from, every other word out of his sister’s mouths is fuck.
          To outsiders he acts like he’s John Boy from the Walton’s. You’d think he’d never said a cross word or ever did anything wrong in his life. In conversations he’d like to mention a situation of tell heroic stories about himself. For example going someplace with his crew members and the crew took home the hotel robes.. he’d let everyone know he could never do something so dishonest.., all stories had the same theme, the other’s were bad, Mr. Self Righteous good.
          Crew members picking up on women in the hotel bar but not Mr. Self Righteous.., he’s a man of integrity, unlike the others.. He’d make sure I knew how lucky I was being married to him. All the other guys were fucking around but not Mr. Integrity. Yeah, lucky me..
          He’s full of shit..,

          • Oh my… same here…. he went to the party alone ( doesn’t have many friends and I never had issue with letting him go) and was complaining about drinking, flirting etc
            He was telling me stories about business trips and other men picking prostitutes at the bar… how embarrassing it was for him ????????????
            All bs.
            He was fucking left and right whoever was willing ( sadly he was trying so many sites, dating apps etc. that he had no issue finding a fuck/ dating buddy /whore)
            Except for not having friends and being an awkward egg among other ( often younger men)
            That’s why our social life never existed- unless you count the family…
            My social life was always steady- not spectacular ( my choice) but never had an issue meeting new people, or finding gf to go for coffee etc.
            All bs

            • Loona, ex also would tell me how embarrassed he would be when crew members were picking up on women at the bar or flirting with the waitress when they’d all go out to dinner. I remember one story about the other men how they were flirting with their waitress and being inappropriate. Mr. Integrity, being the sensitive guy he is, felt so bad for the waitress, that afterwards he returned to the restaurant to apologized to for their behavior.. How thoughtful, such a gentleman, yeah, right.
              As I’m sure he had no other motive than to express his sincere apologies..,
              Ex never had a social life, when we did socialize which wasn’t often, ex would be uncomfortable, he would say it was because the others weren’t as educated as he is or they had nothing in common. One of the things ex said when he left was that we had nothing in common. 20 years of marriage, a child, but we had nothing in common. He had more in common with a women he met one night in a hotel bar.

              • Loona**In social situations ex would be awkward, unless the focus of conversation revolved around him.

        • Yes. This describes my ex husband completely. He Would leave the room and refuse to speak if I cursed, but he was totally fine regularly attending church while hiding a porn addiction and a 22 year old girlfriend.

      • LOL, I love it, I called my ex husband a male whore and he was livid at my front door as he walked away from the dog and I! His lastest SLUT waiting in his new “FINANCED” truck! Goodbye loser! What a prize she won!

    • I love agreed I’m so tired of these cheating losers it’s so pathetic they can all go fuck themselves, male or female!

    • That’s right Jim we’re here for the fuck this and no fucks given mentality. Chump lady, this is my favorite response ever and why I continue to follow this no bullshit forum! ❤

  • Dear Chump Lady,
    Thank you so much for allowing me to say fuck, for allowing all Chumps to say fuck after our hearts have been ripped open by a cheater and we lay bleeding on the floor.
    Thank you thank you THANK YOU! There is a time and a place for propanity! Thank you again and again for helping Chumps to heal.

    • I FUCKING love you Chump Lady!!!! If it wasn’t for your book and website with all these fucking awesome people here to offer support I don’t know where I would be. All of you fucking saved my life, my sanity and helped me get it together and become FUCKING MIGHTY!!! My stbxh is Jim…..so FUCK you Jim.

    • I find myself only swearing when I have to discuss X. Other than that, no need. But a good, “fucking douchebag loser” every now and then just feels right.

  • I would drop the F word when I was at my utter wits end with the mind fuck that was my marriage, my holier than though huaband would blame it on my upbringing. It was a sure fire way to induce me into a feeling of guilt, that I was some how less of a person and proving myself as such for using such languge.

    My Ex would never use the F word because it was beneath him, but had no problem going and hooking up with guys in public toilets.

    • Thankful,
      Isn’t it IRONIC that your husband can’t believe that you would use the word FUCK (as in— a word use to express anger, excitement and to add emphasis) but then he would go FUCK (as in—the motion and actions of licking, sucking and sticking his dick into a wet hole after promising to be faithful) others in a public bathroom? How the fuck is that even comparable on the scale of fuckedupedness? If you want me to restrain my mouth then you should restrain your dick mmmmkay?

      • Exactly!

        When this went down, my Mom came out to help me watch the kids and came to deposit starting money into my new non joint checking account (he has drained ours over years of abuse) so I could begin the divorce proceedings. (Thank God for parents!)

        At the time, we were newly separated and I picked up the kids from summer camp when Cheater was there – and was acting like all was normal and I told him I didn’t want small talk with someone sleeping with his secretary. He was irritated and told me that we need to make everything seemingly normal for the kids.

        I came home with the kids where mom was waiting, and cheater then came too. He wanted to then take the kids to dinner – no custody schedule was set yet and he was acting like him moving out was no big deal and everything was normal.

        I had beat him home, and told my Mom ahead of time how he doesn’t want us to talk about anything. At this time, her righteous anger nearly matched mine, and her ability to suppress it was far worse (gotta love Mom????)

        Anyway, he comes over trying to take the kids to dinner after camp, and when they are in the other room my Mom says something about him it’s wrong that he is telling us we can’t talk about it, especially since he’s the one ducking his secretary. Cheater looks aghast – mind you, my Mom is not unlike the writer Jim, often changing TV if the swearing is superfluous. Cheater attempts to tell my Mom to calm down, but this only inflames her.

        She stated, “you can fuck, but I can’t talk about it?”

        Cheater is silent and stunned.

        She repeats, “You can fuck, but we can’t talk about it?”

        He gets beet red faced, and aggressive. It looked like he was going to hit my mom.

        Days later, Chumplady has a column where she used this exact sentence – about how they can Fuck, but we’re not supposed to talk about it.

        My happily married Mom (for 45 years to my dad with fights from time to time but no infidelity) tows the Chumplady line without even realizing it.

        I’m lucky to have my wise and supportive Mom in my life. (Dad’s great too)

        And thanks to Chumplady for being my guide through it all.

        • Great story!
          How amazing to have a mom who has your back and will stand up to a fucker!
          ????

        • Your Mom is da bomb!!!
          She gets it without having to experience it personally.
          So many people just don’t get it.

        • Said this last night (during emergency family meeting) to one of our high schoolers who was clutching his pearls at the topic of some of his recent his choices. He was thinking that this conversation should be more ‘private’.

          “You can stick your dick in a girl’s mouth and post photos of it online, but we can’t talk about it?”

          To his credit, this did seem to cool his moral outrage.

          Now we can get back to the real problem.

        • Hell yes for your mom for calling out that absolute piece of shit cheater! My mom was almost as livid as I was… gotta love her ???? And if it wasn’t for chumplady saying it like it is, in all her foul-mouthed glory, I’d never be where I am now.

        • They get scared when we goody two shoes chumps get pissing mad.
          Hugs to your mum. My mother was the same. The voice of reason til she saw what he was doing and lost it.

  • I’ve got to say that that was the one thing i related to when i first came here, the fucking raw, heart rending language. It was what i was feeling and i could relate to it in my smacked down, beat up, where the fuck is my life now state.

    Keep on fuckin Chump lady we love it and love being able to express ourselves the same way with no inhibitions. If you don’t like it, don’t keep reading even though the advise is honest and just keeps coming. And it helps, oh God how it helps.

    • Ditto! Everything was ‘fucking shit’ in the immediate aftermath of d-day. Felt good to be able to call my shitty spouse (and other bad spouses) a a useless POS!

    • Agreed!! I don’t use a lot of profanity but a while after my cheater was caught I swore at him for 5 hours straight! I know it was a waste of time, he was and always will be “numb”. But it was great release for me!!!

  • If there’s one thing Chump Lady has taught me, it’s listen to what people say-WATCH what they do.

    I’ll take a foul-mouthed, heart of gold, walks the walk friend/boyfriend/partner for life over lying, cheating, scumbags.

    Can’t take the heat, Jim? Then get out of our fucking kitchen.

  • “Kill the wabbit. Kill the wabbit. Kill the wabbit.”

    Yes, Wagner opera are very hummable!

    • Yes! As coolinmn says, Wagner operas are eminently hummable!
      This is the only part of Tracy’s post that I disagree with!

  • The profanity underlines and capitalises the epicness of Chump Lady and all the residents of Chump Nation. Fuckers fucking around on us fucking got us here Jim! We’re not about to walk away politely now are we?

  • Fuck that shit.

    As you were.

    PS. Jim, I too have frizzy hair and am officially unmarriagable. For which I thank God on a daily basis.

    PPS I am sure you are just a nice guy trying to help, but you’re not. Not really. But you know that now.

  • “OOOOOOOOOoooo000hhhhhhhhhHHHhh!!!!!
    Sacrilegious, fulmination expletive-profanation!”

    – better?

  • If I were a linguist, I would make it my mission in life to study profanity.

    I daresay that would make me quite cunning.

    (SOOOOOO glad I got in first with that one)

    • Totally agree Lola Fucking Granola (great change for your moniker). It would be a benchmark study in the linguist world (if there aren’t already two thousands of such studies)

    • I call bullshit. No true linguist objects to swearing. Since linguists are interested in how real people actually use living languages that are ever evolving, they actually spend a lot of time examining the beautifully darker (and often funny) aspects of language. Lots of work on the specialized diction of emergency room gallows humor, for instance. They wouldn’t fucking flinch at routine cursing,and very interested in regional variations. (My dad’s “Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick in Bamberger’s window,” for instance, would tell a linguist which part of the country dad was from.

        • Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. (Mark Twain)

      • I only have a Bachelor’s degree in linguistics from a top school, but I graduated with honors, and Jim is a (fucking) liar. Even as undergrads we studied profanity, including its use as an intensifier by correctly inserting profanity into the middle of multisyllabic words in English: identifying why “Ala-fucking-Bama” is spoken English but “Alaba-fucking-ma” is not. We had about twenty words to chant aloud with “fucking” dividing different syllables until we as a group could correctly and technically describe the pattern. The profanity-shy attitude Jim describes is not one of a linguist being a linguist.
        Best insult below: calling Mrs Jim a “prescriptionist,” which is the best insult against a linguist, essentially de-linguisticking her. I howled with laughter.
        Mr and Mrs Jim might be happy faithful church going English teachers or editors, with or without linguistic training, but Mr Jim’s borrowed authority from his wife (I’m a good married guy) (authority source is female like most of you!) (linguistics: she has an intimidating credential!) is sadly too much like the odd but not quite true justifications I used to hear from my ex.

    • I’m a psycholinguist and I LOVE the word fuck. Also twatwaffle, OWhore, RIder of the Purple Dildo, and all the other swear words and novel words and nicknames that routinely appear on CL’s blog.

      • Maybe I am showing my own prudish side here but I like the term Schmoopie. It implies a certain level of distain without the need to be vulgar.

          • Of course infidelity is vulgar but Schmoopie provides an option for those times when, for whatever reason, you chose not to be. It’s always good to have options depending on the moment.

        • I see your point, but Schmoopie always sounds a little too cotton-candy for my taste, obliterating the extraordinary moral violations and human suffering that OW/OM cause.

          • Yes, but when your fuckwit or as in my case the divorce mediator with the background in couples counseling chides you for using the term Schmoopie to describe the AP because it shows a lack of respect you can come back with “well it is a lot nicer than some of the terms I could use to describe her that would be much more descriptive and accurate considering the level of disrespect she showed me” But yes, the others are much more amusing when used here.

            • Can things get any weirder? And YOU were not disrespected?????!!!! What the FUCK!
              Schmoopie to describe the AP
              Schmoopie to describe the AP
              Schmoopie to describe the AP
              Schmoopie to describe the AP
              Schmoopie to describe the AP

            • Really? My attorney LOVED that I called the AP Schmoopie. She said she was going to use it going forward. While I appreciate calling a fuckwit a fuckwit, I loved calling Schmoopie “Schmoooopie.” Think Tony Curtis in Operation Petticoat, but saying “Schmoopie” instead of “Ramon.” It should sound just as patronizing.

              I thought she didn’t deserve the dignity or the centrality of being an OWhore, Howorker, etc. She was simply “Schmoopie.” Sure, she was/is a parasite, but she’s not what made CheaterX cheat. He did that all on his own and because he could.

          • Linguistically, schmoopie is a great put down. It it implies cutesy, flippant, brainlessness. Someone with no depth.

          • I also use the word fuck buddy, or side fuck – as that’s exactly what the infidelity world amounts to. “Mistress” is a disaster of a word – implies some sort of sexy legitimacy – and glosses over things like minivan hookups.

            My Tuesday arrived a while back thanks to Chumplady bitch slapping me into reality. Thanks CL!

            • I’ve always used Mistress Cock to refer to schmoopie, because that is actually her last name!

      • Flatterfuck? Glitterballs? Sparkledick? These are all great descriptions of vulgar souls that I picked up with Chump National.

        • I love this conversation about language. CL’s book comes from a place of rage– and she’s a wordsmith, clever and creative! So are lots here on CN, which makes me laugh and for a brief moment, makes me feel better. I’ve internalized so many phrases it’s amazing how many apt ones there are. I can’t even decide which is my favorite. Jim, Tracy happens to use the f-bomb and other flowery language. It happens to be very effective for these circumstances.

  • My ex, when he was trying to feel superior to me, would also reprimand me for swearing. Somehow he was the better person because he didn’t swear in the middle of an argument or in front of our child. Except he really did once and a while, I just wasn’t allowed to call him out on it or it was different, insert another excuse here…Also, I guess lying and cheating were not as bad as swearing to him? Also things I was not allowed to call him out on btw.

    There have been studies done that people who are more intelligent swear. There are also studies that say people who swear are more honest. I remember reading these studies and telling the ex about them. He thought they were a bunch of bs. Fuck him.

    This weekend my ex contacted me asking if he should be worried that a debt collector contacted him about me. I asked for me info, so he sent me a screenshot of the message translation and said the message was to jarbled to get any info. The message was from 2 days earlier and no where in it did it say my name. He said it was probably a scam. Since we were on the topic of money, I brought up that he still owed my parents $1000 as part of the debt in our stipulation. He also owes me $1000. He responded with typical childish rage. Saying he’d never give me a heads up again, crying about some tax woes and throwing in that the neighbors were moving, so I’d have to finally mow the lawn myself.
    Guys like my ex and Jim aren’t trying to help us. They are trying to feel superior. Get us in a gotcha moment.

    • I got the whole “I can cuss whenever I want but you can’t ever” paradox, too. My psychologist helped me to see that people with NPD often do two things very well: splitting and projection. He couldn’t be anything less than all good in his mind, which meant that someone had to be the bad guy. (Me, obvs.) And he couldn’t reconcile the thought of me as a whole human being with a range of complex emotions, including anger when he lied/cheated/etc., so he would call me out on anything less than 100% of his ideal for purity/perfection (which is not humanly attainable anyway but it is an especially impossible way to live when someone is projecting all their flaws and sins on to you.) I desperately wanted to keep his approval so I fell into this emotional abuse and couldn’t see it for what it was.

      Anyway, just wanted to share that in case others are experiencing this and trying to put their finger on why they feel so awful about themselves. It’s because even if you are the most devoutly pious religious person in the world, anger at cheating is NORMAL and RIGHTEOUS!!! Like CL says, it’s GOOD to get angry – it is protective! But cheaters don’t want you to be self-protective, they want you to stay compliant, and the best way to do that is to mindfuck you into thinking all the problems reside with you.

      • I think our ex’s must have been clones what with the perfectionism and all. In all fairness, ex tried to blame other things for his dissatisfaction in life (his job, where we lives) but then he started to run out of things to blame and I was next in line. Thank god he left before he got around to blaming the kids. Good luck Schmoopie.

        • I hate these fucking, mother fuckers, assholes, trou de cul de marde, tabarnack!!! Yes bastards, I can swear in 2 fucking languages! My ex can’t blame me anymore, so he is now blaming our 14 year old daughter for the trouble with his twuluve. Arrrgn

        • Yeah, for the first years of our relationship, his unhappiness was usually because of his job, or sometimes the lack thereof. Plus the general idiocy of … nearly everyone on the planet, it turns out.

          But once he figured out I wouldn’t be his Plan B (again! I had ‘won’ the pick-me dance around his previous affair)? And that the kids, too, weren’t buying his bullshit anymore (I love you so! And my moving 5 hs away to live with Shmoopie wasn’t abandoning you! I never stopped being a good dad! Despite my constant demands that you do what I want you to do, and sulking when you won’t!)? WE are the cause of his unhappiness! Mostly me, I’m sure, because clearly I have alienated the kids!

          So now his constant fucking unhappiness can be blamed on evil me and his never seeing his kids. Poor him! I feel bad for whoever is falling for that line these days ….

          • @KarenE, your ex sounds hauntingly familiar to mine, only he moved 3 hours away.

            • This is my X too. Split and project. But no bad language- no emotion at all thanks.

    • True story. When I stalked the ex’s email (because my company, too, and I ran the IT from stem to stern) I saw one from one of their clients at the far flung epicenter of cheating. This colleague threw himself on the sword for, gasp, using blue language in front of the AP.

      I about died laughing. Um, yeah, the whore’s delicate fucking sensibilities must have been deeply bruised by the dirty joke or cuss word or whatever. Because she’s just a sweet little flower or something.

      Snort. I thought that was rich, especially since one of idiot ex’s earliest affair-oriented emails to her consisted entirely of this single image: picture of a very overweight boy wearing a tee that said, “I fuck on the first date.” Inappropriate (and bigoted) on every possible level.

      Heh. Rumors of her sensitive, ladylike ways? Highly exaggerated, to say the least.

  • Fucking is literally what got us all here in the first place! The cheating ex wasn’t doing something as nice as “making love”. I think we have the right to use that word if anyone does!

  • You are spot on CL. Us chumps are climbing, crawling, and eventually striding out of Painville. Jim, do you ever swing a hammer? When you hit your thumb with a hammer do you sing angelic hymns, or do you roar “SON OF A FUCKING BITCH”. Nuff said?

    As always love to CL and CN.

  • When you are mad, pissed and ready to cause physical harm, a slew of cuss words is much better – FUCK, SHIT, DAMNITTOHELL.

    My cussing has calmed down as my anger and time spent thinking him as lessened. But you want to get me mad again? Let’s start talking him and the fuck channel will get turned up.

  • I am (so) wondering why Jim bought Chump Lady’s book…. (Jim’s linguist wife can delete the ‘so’ if she prefers).

    Precise communication is vital to getting ahead, to making advances.

    Le mot juste, from Gustave Flaubert (copied from google): “All talent for writing consists, after all, of nothing more than choosing words. It’s precision that gives writing power.”

    When dealing with cheaters and their behavior, profanity IS le mot juste.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Np-PjftJN8
    Captain:
    Bad language or abuse, I never, never use,
    Whatever the emergency;
    Though “bother it” I may
    Occasionally say,
    I never use a big, big D —

    Chorus.
    What, never?
    Captain.
    No, never!

    Chorus.
    What, never?
    Captain.
    Hardly ever!

    Chorus.
    Hardly ever swears a big, big D —
    Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
    For the well-bred Captain of the Pinafore!
    Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
    For the Captain of the Pinafore!

    • Actually, Jim’s defense of his wife’s prudishness may be a form of spackle and or pick-me dancing?
      Sort of like “my wife doesnt use profanity so even though she is a cheater …._______ (fill in the blanks)

      • You’ve made Jim’s life difficult, Tracy. She doesn’t appreciate it. His lovely cake providing wife, who would never explore the linguistics of swearing, has become a person that he doesn’t recognize! He’s blaming you Tracy. He’s found your book in the parlor, and his wife has become a pod person! You must be the one to blame! Because before your book Tracy, his lovely wife didn’t think for herself.

        • Sorry. I am using voice to text while I’m driving, and somethings get lost in translation. Either way, Jim is confused.…

      • Yes, that is certainly a possibility: Jim found his chump’s copy of LACGAL and seeks to disqualify it. You have more imagination that I do, Kintsugi. And Jim certainly seems too occupied with trivial things for someone being cheated on.

  • Why does Jim hide behind his wife while criticizing Chump Lady? His WIFE “cringes” so HE cringes? HE has no objection but his WIFE does so could Chump Lady please refrain from telling it like it is? Fuck that.

  • I admit that the some of the language here slowed my conversion to chump lady might from RIC rollover and die, but I made it and I would never turn back.

    “I had no words to describe it that were not transgressive, because the experience was transgressive.”

    Maybe if this were at the top of the site, I would have converted quicker. The truth is wonderful. Sometimes to speak of things of the devil, it takes words of the devil. Even my most pious friend absolved me saying healing takes many forms and the Lord will forgive you. Interesting that I got here through divorce minister in the first place.

    And Jim, it is fucking funny snark and what is better than a laugh when you feel like dying!

    Jim, if you don’t understand the reason for the potty mouth after being here, maybe you should click off. This place is a lifesaver as is.

  • This is hilarious.

    Jim,
    What is your story? Why did you read the book? And, after reading the book, your only question is about profanity? Seriously?

  • Dear Jim,
    Let me tell you a little something about the Power of Fuck.

    It saved me from driving my car into a ditch when the husband I adored pulled the rug from under my life with a long series of graft and deceptions, then had the gall to pretend I deserved it. That was my life.

    Fuck shit damn it to hell was his and the Sluterus’ face on every nail and SCREW as I and my 9 year old daughter tore down a deck to the posts and joists and rebuilt and stained it ourselves because we no longer could afford the basics of our previous life.

    And then, Heyyyyy, Bitches! We did that shit exactly SEVEN MORE TIMES gutting rooms in our house with no debt while paying off 28K in debt.

    When I began to hit my stride and accept that I had lost my stepdaughter and Cold Slab O’Meat had a new baby conceived during our marriage, my son died. Pardon me Jim for thinking at that point that God might be a fucking Asshole.

    And yeah Jim. When I hustled another promotion out of my ass it was super cool to use that raise every year to pay for the deductible on a cone biopsy on my cervix Because after 48 years on this earth of ethical monogamy and clean Pap smears, the Welsh Manwhore gave me HPV which turned cancerous. The Sluterus still has HER Uterus.

    Any real linguist would tell you that from the time of Chaucer to Joyce to Redd Foxx profanity has it’s place in our lexicon.

    Cursing and Exaltation are the natural bookends of Human Experience.

    So Let me ask you, Gentleman Jim, of the Top Five Worst Things that can happen in a life, I’ve hit THREE.
    My Marriage My Child My Health. I haven’t lain down. I haven’t given up. If it takes a sprinkle of Piss and Vinegar to get me out of bed in the morning, what’s it to you? If not now, Jim, when would cursing be the appropriate response?

    • I cry now for the loss of your son, and for the loss of mine. When my son was in the ICU he would flip me off and I would return the gesture. It was how we joked. Damn, I miss the little rodent.

    • Our sweet and oh-so-very-mighty Luz, this is why you are adored by all of CN. You teach and inspire each newbie and each seasoned vet. I always slow down my read when I come to one of your posts. The content and exquisite writing is always a gift.

    • Damn Luziana – you’re one tough soldier – you give us all a REAL dose of how shitty reality can get – it can always get worse! We’re pulling for you!
      Go for it – you deserve the best and karma owes you!!

    • “Cursing and Exaltation are the natural bookends of Human Experience”

      Just Wow–you are one mighty FUCKING chump.

      And I thought my FUCKER sucked Schmoopie’s small tities. I’m two years from DDay and one from Divorce, and I’ve been having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other. You’re mightiness has inspired me so much today—you’re a rock star. My daughter told me that I was unkind to Schmoopie because I called her “whore”. WTF?!?

      As for Jim—Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn………….

    • I love your example of mightiness, Luz. When I think I can’t remodel or fix up a home myself, I picture you rocking that remodel from start to finish and I feel empowered.

      Your daughter is blessed to have such a strong Mama.

    • My current wife and I were both chumped in our first marriages. We will be married 15 years next month. Her first born son died last year from his alcoholism. Al Anon has been her lifeline, while I think Chump Lady has helped me face the grief and anger over being chumped that ties into this new grief.
      It is a fucking mess!
      We are digging out and so will you.

  • Well, I run in some pretty religious circles where a lot of people have dealt with Jesus cheaters and somehow still found refuge in their faith community. I have referred many people to Chump Lady but usually tell them there’s a lot of profanity. Most laugh. Those who don’t, I also refer to divorceminister.com, an excellent site run by one of our fellow chumps.

      • Yes. I have to admit that in real life, I rarely (and I mean RARELY) say any kind of curse word. The truth is though, that like CL says, I have no other words for some of this stuff. My husband was FUCKING fetish prostitutes. No euphemism applies. What am I supposed to say? He wasn’t “making love” to them! He wasn’t “sleeping” with them –not at $800 an hour! That swear word is really the only one that applies. I don’t generally like swearing in the course of ordinary life because it really just isn’t necessary and can add anger and aggression in situations where it really isn’t warranted. But this stuff isn’t ordinary life and the anger and aggression is warranted here. Ugly terrible things can only be described with ugly terrible words. Those words were coined to describe the ugly and terrible. I don’t think they should be applied to random ordinary life happenings as they often are. I don’t like habitual swearing for that very reason. It will become so habitual it will lose its power. And we need those words to retain their power. We need those words to continue to shock and appall because they describe shocking and appalling things. It is nice to have options. Because both approaches give me things I truly need.

  • Jim. Your linguist (ha!) wife doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about the wonderfully foul language in your CL book. Your linguist wife is using the language to deflect you from its very powerful information. You need to keep reading.

  • I was never much of a swearer, mainly because I think overusing curse words dilutes their power so they’re not available to you when you really need them. I saved up all my fucks and shits for 45 years, and then ran through my carefully husbanded resources with abandon for about two years after the deception / discard. I’m pretty much back to normal, but I know that they’re in reserve for the next major conflict with XW.

    Foul language has its place, and this is it.

    • I also never regularly cursed for the same reason of not wanting to dilute their power. But if ever a situation called for profanity, this was it. Upon finding out about x’s 10 year affair with our best friends wife, I fired off more expletives than I had in my entire life. Cuss words I didn’t even know I knew. It was appropriate for the situation and it definitely made me feel better. When faced with evil, nice was off the table. Time to drop the F bombs.

      • “Cuss words I didn’t even know I knew” Ha! I can relate. You get to a point where you run out of the ones you know you know but you aren’t done yet so you have to dig deeper to find some more.

    • Absolutely. I rarely cussed, never used the F word until the rug was pulled out from under me. I think hearing me call him a mind-fucker was what shocked him the most, even though he swears if he wakes up with bad hair, if the coffee isn’t warm enough, if rain is in the forecast, etc.

      When I swear, it has impact. I have cussed more in the past two years than in my entire life, because those are exactly the words that describe my situation and what he is. #allfuckedup

  • Jim’s letter, as written, is a wonderful example of how to alienate.

    He asks a question, then proceeds to invalidate the person he addressed. He doesn’t say anything about himself. He (1)says another person (who he credits as having expertise) thinks the language is bothersome, (2) tells CL things he represents as global facts (How would he know that the language detracts from the message for anyone but himself? He doesn’t speak for the entire world.), and (3) invalidates and patronizes her based on his myopic generalizations (Do yourself a favor…).

    He doesn’t take responsibility for himself ONCE, nor does he figure in the reality that his perspective is one among countless in the world and address her with the humility appropriate to that truth as he shares his unsolicited opinion.

    That kind of arrogant sanctimony doesn’t earn a response at all. It definitely doesn’t demand a respectful one.

    Want respect? Offer it.

    • That’s exactly on point. Sets up a straw man as an expert. Disparages. Criticizes. Demeans. Signs off.

      A hit and run.

      We should dial down our rage for Jim’s ( and the linguistic genius wife) comfort level after catastrophic betrayal.

      Nah. Pass.

    • Standing Ovation, Amiisfree–Jim’s attempt to invalidate. It’s like pointing out to the Boston Marathon winner that their socks don’t match, rather than lauding them for just breaking the Marathon record.

    • He writes below that he was chumped in a previous relationship. I think he was just offended at my language. Or my mismatched socks, LOL at Tempest.

    • Amiisfree,

      I respect all the negative comments. One should know one’s audience before expressing opinions. As a wise man once said, “opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”

      I have bought more than a few self-help books and they all offer platitudes and exaggerations. Our country is built on copious quantities of that type of bull shit.

      Again, I repeat myself, I found Chump Lady’s book by searching Amazon for the word “chump.”

      I am not interested in all the F*this and F*that on this message board.

      What I am interested in is building my self-confidence and self-respect. I apologize if I come across as being as condescending since that is never my intention.

      Good luck to one and all on this message board!

      Jim Creamer

  • My ex is squeamish about profanity. It’s part of his clean cut and bright eyed “nice young man” facade.

    He doesn’t have a problem with sticking his dick into a budget tier dominatrix who stuffs dildoes up mens’ asses in hourly rate trucker motels for drug money. But if you are crass enough to say shitfuckcuntbitchprickgoddamnittohellyoubastard in his presence, he clutches his metaphorical pearls, sucks in air through his teeth, and recoils in horror.

    It felt SO good to torment him with profanity and blunt sexual terms when I would confront him over his lying and cheating before I finally decided to dump him and be done with it. I would follow him around my house and out the door spewing out a stream of consciousness rant full of language that would make a sailor blush.

    He’d whine at me to “stop being gross” and I’d come back with a vivid description of how his behavior was gross. One time I made him puke with it.

    Good.

    Hypocritical fake goody two shoes P.O.S.

  • Holy shit Chump Lady – I’ve got to remember to NOT be drinking my coffee when reading your latest – I started laughing so hard I spilled my coffee – before I even got a sip! This one was hilarious (even more than usual) – poor Jim – he’s new here and doesn’t know the danger in this ‘Area of Operations’ yet – it’s filled with troops with bad attitudes – and we all have knife wounds – all in the back! Gentelman Jim is going to have get a fuckin’ war face on to hang out in this part of the perimeter – it’s where the all the fuckin’ ‘problem childs’ end up – and when you get here you realize – it’s home!!
    Fuckin’ Aye!!!

  • Why is he reading the book, he or his wife could have cheated. I could be wrong, if she cheated the last thing he would be complaining of is swearing, sounds like he trying to put you down, of being controlling.
    Cheaters are complex beings, they come in many varieties, mostly crap.
    I deal with my ex, using the grey stone method, it really fucks him up.
    Where I had to deal with the lies, sti, fake suicides, even worse lies than that, prostitutes phoning my house.

  • Your letter is confusing to me Jim. On the one hand your writing reeks of narcissism, kind of like the cheaters that we all have to deal with, yet you bought CLs book. I presume you read the whole thing too. You say Chump Lady’s message is right on so it would seem that someone (your linguist wife?) cheated on you. Most cheaters aren’t equipped for the kind of introspection it takes to digest her message, with or without “potty language.”

    I guess I don’t have to know what your angle is to reply to your letter. It’s pretty simple actually. It’s a free a country. If you don’t like the language, move along.

    • I agree Cheaterssuck. Jim comes off as a narcissist more than a legit chump. Controlling, deflecting, and patronising of CL, and even kind of gaslighting considering the actual message of CL. I’m calling troll.
      Amiisfree perfectly UBT’s it.

      Another tip-off: it’s whiny and kind of indignant as in “It’s not [the] behavior, it’s your [collective] reaction [swearing! pottymouth! low rent!] to it.

      If you’ve truly been chumped the LAST thing you’re worrying about is a bit of swearing. Especially when it’s so fucking funny and always deployed in context. My spidey-sense says possible cheater suffering narcissistic injury at being so accurately portrayed here.

      If nothing else this seems like a bid by Jim for centrality and moral one-upmanship so he may need to do a LOT more reading if he is indeed a chump.

  • “I was offended at language that sanitized abuse, or worse, romanticized it.”
    Fuck yes.

    Also, I run a support group for parents whose children died. They say “fuck” a lot…I close the door so that people like Jim don’t hear their grief…its too sacred for the Jims …those Jims arent worthy of our “fucks”.

  • Mine was a Jesus cheater. Did not like my occasional profanity. Same person sent her boy toy messages about fuck me, sucking your dick is my favorite pass time, I want to be more than just your fuck buddy. Didn’t take issue with his romantic comments such as I am going to cum on your face then eat your pussy. Jim your cheater is no different. She is just trying to get you to skip in by CL. Doesn’t work well for her.

  • When I read this letter I was reminded of all the times fuckwit cheater admonished me about the WORDS I was using in response to his ACTIONS.
    Fuck that shit!
    And somehow I feel like this is tied to the whole “angry woman” crap our culture foists on us (yeah, not everyone here is a woman, but men aren’t admonished about their anger or cursing in the same way).
    Anger is the proper response to the injustice done to us.
    Humans curse when angry.
    Woman are human.
    So fuck off, Jim’s Wife. If you don’t want to hear “bad” words, don’t do bad things.

    • I was told by the X Asshat during the bit discard abandonment that I was angry every day.

      I have thought quite a bit. I realize he probably saw it that way, much like a naughty child sees their mommy as always upset with them I know I was angry at him constantly for ignoring me and having to be the only adult in the relationship. He prevented me from enjoying myself at all since I was always walking on eggshells to accommodate him.

      I am not angry in my new life.

      • Yes, exactly what my experience was. He did not allow me to exercise my own existence as an individual. I had to be there FOR HIM. And when I was angry for being neglected, for being a third or fourth priority, or for simply not being listened to, he would accuse me of having anger issues. I am no longer angry.

    • I am not sure it is really true that it is more acceptable for men to be seen as angry in this day and age. They tend to be seen as violent and angry and dangerous when all they have done is swear. They are more likely to have allegations of physical abuse levied against them and people are more likely to believe it.

      • They are not, however, considered ‘unmanly’ for their anger.

        Women are often told it is not feminine or ladylike to be angry or show anger.

        BTW, men are more likely to face allegations of physical abuse, and for those to be believed, because 99.9% of it’s true. That doesn’t make it less horrible for the falsely accused, but it makes it easier to understand.

        • You’re right. It is when a man is being abused by his wife (physical or mental) that people find him unmanly and laugh…at him…for being abused. The only way to be considered a man is to get visibly angry, but then you risk going to jail. Tough choice.

          It sucks all the way around for both men and women who are begin abused.

        • Being ladylike is so overrated. “Feminity” is a wide umbrella; my definition certainly includes swearing like a sailor when a situation calls for it.

          • Tempest, same here…in public you will NEVER hear the F word. When in the company of chumps, I let the F word fly….like an eagle! It is sooooo freeing!

    • “yeah, not everyone here is a woman, but men aren’t admonished about their anger or cursing in the same way.”

      Yup. I’ve never heard of a man being told “my, such swearing just because your wife cheated on you! How ungentlemanly!”

  • It’s good to see that trolls can be useful. This is a post for the ages.

    And as someone who pretends to be a linguist when the course rotation calls for one, I can say Jim’s wife ought to know better. There are no bad words. 1500 years ago, “fuck” was just a useful Anglo-Saxon word. Jim would do better to worry about how cheaters use language to lie and to gaslight and to manipulate. That’s the obscenity.

  • Well if this isn’t the perfect fucking post for a fucking Monday morning I don’t know what the fuck is. Keep up the good fucking work, CL. We fucking love you exactly the way you are. And Jim? Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

  • I refuse to sanitize what the X Asshat did.

    He fucking abandoned me (by fucking e-mail) for a ho-worker our daughter’s age. It was the second fucking younger OW in our 28-year marriage. And as Luz says, he had the fucking gall to tell me that I deserved it. That fucking hurts.

    So fuck off, Jimbo. I don’t have any elegant words to explain it to you any clearer that that.

  • During my marriage my cheater would often call “fucking bitch” whenever he felt I was not whatever he wanted me to be at that time.
    It got so bad that after one time where he simultaneously pushed me against the wall and called me a few other names (his reason for this: he did not like my tone) I told him that the next time he calls me any name, I would divorce him. He stopped, but went completely still and made me feel like I was the worst, most disgusting person on the planet. That was when he made full on transition to the OW. I apparently stood up too much for myself and would no longer accept blame for his words and actions.
    Dday came 2 years (!!!!) later.

    After DDay I swore at him for making my life living hell for the two years. I used every colorful word I could find. Which was quite a shock coming from me; someone who basically never really swore before. He of course blamed me for his actions and then proceeded to tell me how disgusting my swearing was.

    Fuck him.

    • My Ex had been threatening and violent in the past, so I did not curse at him. (And my confronting him about the second affair and every convo afterwards about the split occured in public places. The moron thought we were talking on the front steps so the kids wouldn’t hear.)

      But he’s still super butt hurt that in a family counselling session much later (he was trying to repair the relationship with our kids that he had torn up, thrown in the garbage, then stomped on), I called him a jackass. Several times. (Kids were not present.)

      Yeah, so awful, considering what you did, you fucking jackass.

  • I am a Mormon. Believe me – we are masters of “oh my heck” and “gosh darn.” “That sucks” is about as close to swearing as we get.

    And then my fuckwit ex confessed he had cheated on me for ten years and that the cheating involved sex clubs, orgies, and two long term mistresses, and suddeny I couldn’t say “fuck” enough.

    • Gosh darn frickin phooey used to be a big part of my vocabulary.

    • Cloud I am Mormon also. But I swear frequently and have been told that you sure swear a lot for a Mormon. This book saved my life! After reading multiple divorce books some how I stumbled upon this one 9 months ago. When I started to read it and after the first fuck I knew I was hooked. It spoke to me in a way no other book I had read did. It spoke truth and if it took a few fucks it was well worth it. I finally saw things differently and started to realize my ex sucked. I was still addicted to him and couldn’t figure out why I didn’t hate him. Holy FUCK this book is amazing and I refer it all the time to people. Of course I tell my naive mormon friends about the swearing LOL. People ask me what has changed with me and I always say CL and her wonderful book!

    • Cloud… I think I heard your story as we sort of functioned in the same orbits. (No outing people here, we all need our anonymity). When I heard it, I was heartsick and hoped you would find your way here. If I had had any way of contacting you then I would have invited you for coffee. I was a loving trusting Catholic wife whose long term spouse was a serial cheater. I’m so glad you found your voice and strength. If you ever want to chat you can ask Tempest to give you my email address.

    • Cloud, my sister was a mormon, married a bigwig in the church in Denmark. He had mistresses all over the world, the phone calls would come around pay day where he had to send money to them. He had 4 kids with my sister, the last one is legally recognized as blind. He almost left her homeless (it wasn’t for want of trying) when he ran off with a Russian woman he “fell in love with” over the internet. I’m sure you can imagine the rest. She took all his money from the sale of the house and kicked him out. But what really got me was when two of the elders showed up at my parents house to lecture them on accepting my sister’s decision to become a mormon! My sister was a lying bitch and had told them all kinds of lies about my lovely parents. And it turns out that one of the elders was cheating on his wife, who had MS. That’s not a dig at mormons, moreso just a shout out to the fucking Jesuscheaters! Lying bastards all of them!

  • Because when your spouse is cringing at your words (linguist or not) and doing everything to make you feel like shit and inferior is the perfect time to say Fuck..

    Sometimes strong words are the only way to describe what is happening to you.

  • There is a time for swearing. When the emotions run high, it let’s off steam in a relatively benign way. It does make one feel better. There used to be only two times I would ever swear, when I was on the computer (hey, they are frustrating machines) or when I was behind the wheel (channeling my road rage into words that nobody else heard). I took great pains to control myself when driving with the kids in the car and avoided potentially frustrating computer work at home. After DDay, I suddenly discovered a whole new host of reasons to swear. It was the first time I had ever sworn at someone to their face. I did so several times and I didn’t care who heard me (to be fair, my preteen and teenage kids had already heard it all before, just not from me directed at their dad). I really couldn’t control myself because my emotions were that raw and swearing provided an outlet for my anger that didn’t involve physical violence. The lesser evil you might say. Of course this made me a flaming hypocrite. The only boundary I enforced on my ex during our marriage and before DDay was that I wouldn’t let him swear at me. If he swore at me the conversation ended right there. But honestly, the things he tried to swear at me over really weren’t swear worthy (“damn it don’t you care about the smudges on the wall going up the stairs at kid hand height. Why the fuck don’t you stop the kids from doing that”). What he did was definitely swear worth and I am not ever going to apologize for calling him out on it in the most forceful way I could.

    Now that the dust has settled it’s all bland politeness between us. It’s the easiest way to manage kid issues, child support or anything else that requires us to interact. It works because we both seem to get that but it’s all fake.

    • P.S.I might have let ex swear at me if he swore on a regular basis around everybody, but no, he only swore at me, never in front of anybody else because he didn’t want that to be his image. He saved all of his worst for me. I guess I was just that difficult.

  • I use a linguistics professor’s excellent advice: Profanity is always appropriate in the right context. The example she gave was her teenage son calling during class one day to tell her: “Mom, there’s a fucking bird in the house!” There’s also research suggesting that profanity reduces pain.

    I’ve been reading Chump Lady for a few months, concurrent with starting EMDR and brain spotting, and the archives have really helped. Seeing that my ex is in no way special is always a relief. Treatment over the past 17 years has focused on more extreme abuse and never addressed the cheating aspect, so Chump Lady’s site has been a godsend at this point in therapy.

  • I love it when men tell me how to be more of a proper woman, I mean who else would know what’s best for me other than some Internet loser?

  • In our one and only marital counseling meeting, Hannibal and I sat in front of the counselor. I asked him if he wanted to tell her our problem, or should I? He declined to admit what he had done, so I said, “Hannibal seduced a graduate student for 3 weeks, then fucked her for 3 weeks.”

    He stated, in his pompous Oxbridge accent, “I object to that language.”

    Even in my decimated state, I looked at him with incredulity.

    (also–was not just 3 weeks + 3 weeks; it never is)

    • Heh, with the benefit of staircase wit, I would have replied “oh, I’m sorry. He stuck his cock in her cunt repeatedly – better?”

      • Perfect! Wish I’d thought of it (but I think my mouth stayed agape too long).

        • Tempest I’m English and it used to drive him nuts when I would put him down with my best English accent. I’m not naturally “posh” but boy I could stick it to him when I wanted and he HATED it! Oh well, he should have kept his dick in his pants shouldn’t he!

  • The whole point is to call people on their shit. In order to do that, you need to use the word ‘shit’.

    An when you’ve been literally fucked over, you’ve earned the right to say ‘fuck’.

  • I really wish this guy had not used his name. I know a lot of decent people (some that I am close to) named Jim and I have to cringe a bit seeing everybody tearing “Jim” apart. I know people are not intending to pick on all Jims, but imagine how you would feel if his name was the same as yours. I feel bad for any chump here named Jim. I supposed some chumps cheaters were also named Jim and those chumps are probably loving it.

    • Yes this particular Jim is emblematic in this particular setting. We are somewhat sophisticated people who understand context though… if it were my name I would understand the meaning. We’re not all going to go out and curse out the first Jim we run into

      • Um yeah… this is about this particular Jim not a statement about all persons named Jim. I’m pretty sure any good guys named Jim who read this can figure that out. 🙂

        • Not to mention that other jims, who have read the article, probably realize that since they didnt write the featured letter, that none of these comments are about them.

          Just like whenever i see comedians making fun of chris, i know it isnt me, because, well, i dont know these comedians.

        • No, actually there was a study and it was found that all Jims are bad people who spout nonsense shit their wife supposedly says. Google it.

  • My son (20) can have a bit of a potty mouth at times. Yeah, he got it from us. The in-laws have said they feel he shouldn’t use that language. I say to them that if that’s the biggest problem we’ve had raising him (and it has been), then we’re okay with that. Jim, the situation we’ve been put in without our consent, is worthy of asshole, prick, fucker, and whatever else we choose to say!

  • I’m very pissed off by the cheater’s mind games. Leave me the fuck alone!!!! We’re divorced. Stop trying to control me and my child. A simple scheduling issue always becomes a huge drama and tons of text exchange. I’m exhausted of his manipulative tactics. I wish I can completely leave the chess game. I must have said a lot of bad words over the past weekend to myself because this subject makes me angry. Schmoopie pretending to be the sweetest soul to my 5-year old makes me angry. So, fuck them!!! Fuck fuck fuck!!!

    Here you go, Jim. Keep the trend alive.

    • Preach girl! Wtf is this about? Asshat got what he wanted, so why the fuck cant he just move along? And why does every small thing about our kid have to result in way more communication than necessary?
      Because they hate us. Our authenticity, our decision to carry on, our ability to get to meh……it infuriates them. so they attack in anyway possible the only Avenue we are forced to keep open – the kid.
      Just remember:
      1. Who cares if they think they are winning bc you stop arguing, stop defending yourself; you aren’t playing the same game.
      2.everytime you refuse to react with any emotion to their bs, you are telling them how unimportant they are.

  • I think Jim’s wife joined the site, he bought the book in order to find out how she’s coping, and what he needs to do to keep her dancing the Pick Me. With knowing what she is reading, he can maneuver accordingly, starting with badmouthing the language that is saving his ‘wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful’ devoted hopium smoker. Thanks CL & CN for always telling it like it is. You’re a lifeline in a very choppy unpredictable sea. I’ve spotted the shore, thanks to you, and I was pretty far out there. PS If I’m not wrong, she’ll be posting here in a year or two.

  • Traci I love the foul language your awesome please keep it! It makes it more fun.

  • “Do yourself a favor and cut out the potty mouth.”

    You like being in control, don’t you, Jim? It gives you a sense of power when you can tell others how to feel. Is your wife getting a little mouthy? Maybe you found out she’s going to a website called Chumplady. Can’t have that. What’s this book everyone there is talking about? Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life? What the hell? Can’t have the little woman learn how to stand up for herself. You’ve shut down having emotions shown in your house, haven’t you? Maybe she’s found her power again.

    Chump Lady is the least of your worries, Jim. Go work on your marriage.

  • Do you hear that? That rumbling roar of laughter? All manner of fantastic authors have been stirred from the grave, in reaction to profanity detracting anything whatsoever from their words. LOL!

    We’ll start with a bit from Mark Twain… http://www.twainquotes.com/Profanity.html

  • UGH!!! This guy asked you to be more LADY Chumplady? And a little less CHUMP LEBOWSKI? LOL.
    As long as hes focused on the right SHIT!!!

  • Quentin Tarantino was once asked why he used the ‘N’ word so frequently. His reply was something along the lines of this:

    Words like have power, they evoke strong responses.
    When I write I want to evoke those strong responses, and I’ll continue
    using as long as it has that power.

    While I’m not writing it out, because I find that term deeply offensive (far more offensive than saying ‘Fuck’, for example), I understand Tarantino’s point. It’s the same thing CL is saying – if you have a situation that demands you use words that evoke a strong response, then use words that evoke those responses.

    Keep fighting the good fuckin’ fight, CL.

    Hugs. Strength. Peace.
    aeronaut

  • Jim Jim Jim

    You should meet me . I am Scottish so no one will ever beat me in the swearing stakes . You should hear what i call STBXH and his whore i make no apology for it either .

    Some feelings are only covered by swear words cause there are no other words for it . What would you like me to say when he sat there smirking laughing at me ( dupers delight ) telling me he was leaving our 15 year marriage for a 29 year old girl from his work .

    Well that’s nice then i wish you both all the very best ! Nope i called him every F B C DH under the sun and i will for the rest of my life.

  • This is an awesome talent. Do not hide your light under a bushell, let it shine!

  • i desperately needed to hear the words “fuck that” and “fuck him”. everything i had been reading up to finding cl was the same “boys will be boys” bullshit. i needed an angry strong woman by my side and thats what i got. it took many months of the pick me dance to really realize what was going on. my head was in a fog not wanting to believe that it was happening. it took finding tracy to snap me into reality and start to stand up for myself. never had a more proud day then when i got a text from him (months after leaving to “work on himself” but after finding out there really was an ow all along) asking for money to pay a bill he was soley responsible for. the responding text was quite colorful and ended with “go fuck yourself”. THANK YOU, tracy. you want to control someone’s language and the words they use? start with your own.

    • Jennifer…. this is how I felt. I appreciated a strong women telling me he was a fuckwit. I think of the time I found out he gave me an std. I sent him a text telling him “I hope your fucking dick falls off”. HAHA if only that would happen!

  • Triggered a memory here- when I finally called out NX on his shit and allowed myself some righteous anger, in our bedroom, long after the kid was asleep, with two closed doors and a long hallway in between, as I whispered yelled my displeasure – he scornfully told me to watch my language and not wake the kid up and have him hear me behaving so badly. But when he was upset? He’d yell at the top of his lungs – in front of the kid – for me to “Fuck Off”.

    • That sounds right. I was regularly chastised for my language and tone, yet he could throw things at me and that was “regrettable but justifiable.” Poor sad sausages

  • Lol Jim…I too had a spouse who cringed when I swore…take a guess how that ended. Swearers gotta swear, and, assuming you’re not repeatedly swearing at your kid’s teacher or something like that, anyone who tries to control your language through cringing or disappointment is someone who does not accept you for who you are. And that sucks.

  • Shoot! The “FUCK” thread is probably the most popular thread on the forum! It’s the most satisfying word to use going through being chumped.

  • YAY for fuck!! ????

    I fucking love you, Chump Lady. ????

    Don’t ever fucking change. ????????‍♀️

  • The one time I used “f*ck” when talking with my cheating then-husband was when I called him out for something he felt he had a right to as my husband and reminded him that he no longer had a right to that, calming saying that he was “my husband who’s f*cking another woman.” I think it’s the most livid he ever was while we were together… He said he couldn’t talk to me while I was “being like that.” I responded that I was being considerably restrained and calm given the situation.

  • Fucktastic Monday thread.
    What would CL/CN do without such brilliant literary critics: the redirect, the backhanded compliments, the mansplains. The advice from on high. All while offering zero context to what brought the two to CL-CN. R/wooosh.
    Ps: who says “potty mouth” in adult correspondence?

  • I don’t normally use profanity in my everyday life…kind of depends on the situation. When I was blindsided and chumped by xhole, there was no situation that demanded profanity more than that one. The xhole who had no problem using that language day in and day out was suddenly appalled that I would use “such language.” Well fuck you, xhole. I am certain my profanity was not the problem…you fucking your fuck buddy was the real issue. Fuck him and fuck all the fucking cheaters.

  • I was never, ever one who swore. Maybe I’d say a word in my head once in awhile, but that was pretty much it. I never had a use for swear words I guess? Six months after D-day, all hell broke loose and I couldn’t stop swearing. The lying, cheating, porn addicted, stripper and co-workers fucker said to me, “Watch your language.” FUCK OFF! No one is going to tell me what I can say, especially someone who has such shitty character and morals.

    The last verbal words I said to my XH, “You evil fucking cheater.” and I whipped both middle fingers at him while I said it.

    There is a time and place for swear words. I don’t swear at work, because I’m a nurse and I think it’s unprofessional. Other nurses swear a lot and that’s fine. It doesn’t bother me. But for me, the words lack any meaning at all if they are used in pretty much every other sentence.

    I’m thankful to CL that she gives us a platform to swear and we are not judged for our use of words. Finding CL and CN was a breath of fresh air, because I felt like I’d gone off my rocker because of all the swear words in my mind and on my tongue.

    Last year my daughter, who is now 18, looked over at my iPad while I was reading CL. She said, “I don’t like that Chump Lady. She swears too much.” I looked her right in the face and said, “If it wasn’t for Chump Lady, I’d be dead right now.” She nodded her head and understood. She was there right from the beginning and she was there during all my very dark days.

    As for Jim. I’m guessing he’s a chump, because he bought the book. If my guess is right, Jim’s wife is all judgey with the language and sees herself as above it all. She doesn’t want Jim to get angry. Angry with her and angry about what she did. She doesn’t want Jim to have a voice. Jim is quite possibly in the shock stage, where the rug just got pulled out from underneath him. I was in shock for a good six months. And then one day I got angry and I was angry for a very long time. Hey Jim, if you are reading this, it’s okay to get angry. Not everyone feels like they need to swear and that’s okay. But some of us do and that’s okay too. We are not bad people for swearing.

    I told my brother who is a devout Catholic, that there were no other words to use besides swear words to describe how angry I was and exactly what I thought of the piece of shit that I married. No. Other. Words. He totally understood and agreed and used some swear to show unionity with me. 🙂

  • There’s crude profanity with no point to it, and there are carefully selected times to be profane which are hysterical and help emphasize the point to be made. Chump lady’s profanity is a classic example of the latter. Please don’t change a thing!!

  • ALSO, men who, given what’s going on in the world, dare to police women’s words?!?!?!?! FUCK THAT.

  • Jim,

    Get over it. I rarely use profanity, and found it a tiny bit shocking when I first started reading here. The thing is, finding out that your spouse of many years is cheating is a life-changing event. Your entire world goes sideways. It can cause someone like me to use profanity, too.

    When my eyes were opened to the cheating, they were also opened to the dozens of other ways that my ex had abused me. I had been living in a fantasy land where parts of my life weren’t real. Using crude language helped me cut through the crap and figure out what was true and what was fake.

    There is a time and place for every word in the English (or any other) language. Infidelity is one of the cruelest things a spouse can do, and it’s the right time for the foulest words.

    • Tempest! Dudette! Fucking A for sharing this!!
      I fucking love you!!!

  • My parents only used one curse word, and that was rare. They did not include God’s name. The funniest thing my mother ever said to me was ” I don’t believe educated people swear.” She had not worked in higher education. I am quite used to choosing the appropriate time to curse. I don’t believe cursing should be used in every day polite conversation, or when conducting business matters. We don’t need to say pass the fucking milk, or give me my fucking receipt. It is quite different when discussing infidelity with your cheating partner, or enduring great pain. Cursing creatively can be appropriately descriptive and can diffuse pain and anger. I believe it is better than running over your cheater with your car in the parking lot. Perhaps it would not be as satisfying in the moment, but in the long run, you don’t go to prison for saying fuck.
    I learned to curse when I went to a small Christian college and lived in the girls dorm. I was amazed at the creativity, and the new words I learned. I also learned from veterans who attended the college. They were very creative, too. Sometimes I found the cursing was entertaining, sometimes it was vulgar. My reaction had to do with the delivery, and the time and circumstances. I think people who spend their time deciding whether or not other people should have the freedom of expression should find something else to do with their lives. Something constructive, and useful, like taking a flying fuck and minding their own business.

  • Cussing is an honest expression and release of negative emotions. Telling people how they should and shouldn’t speak is a form of manipulative control and oppression.

    The latter is something the disordered fuckwits tend to engage in with glee. Just another mind fuck from cheating fuckwit. Nothing to see here and remember, he/she didn’t cheat, it was just a mistake. A nice, soft word, just an ooopsie that kind of minimizes the whole I stuck my dick into some strange cunt because I felt like it and couldn’t care less how that will destroy my spouse, family, etc.

    This letter from Jim reeks of narcissistic superiority poorly cloaked as advice.

    Nice fucking response by Chump Lady to this truckload of toxic, sanctimonious, bullshit…

  • When some fucker is fucking you over do you need to use the word fuck? Abso fucking lutely you cocksucking, mother fucking shit stain.

    Rock the fuck on Chump Lady

    PS (I never swear inappropriately, I’m a fucking Sunday school teacher for fucksake!)

  • Jim, the next time you see little children who have wet themselves, or spoiled their pants, or lose words they know and babble, or cry for days or throw up because someone has broken their hearts let us know what you would say. There, there little ones your father/mother is not a bad person they just decided to leave. Or would you say, “Fuck! The sorry piece of shit broke their hearts”. Do let us know.

  • I wonder why Jim bought the book? Either he’s a cheater or his wife is. Either way, pearl clutching over the word fuck is a great way to avoid confronting the fact that one of them actually fucked someone else.

    Jim, you got bigger problems than a little foul language.

    • He writes below that he was chumped in a previous relationship.

  • Maybe someday I’ll get the chance to do something good for somebody like that!

  • I agree with Jim. Cussing is not an admirable trait. I don’t think anyone is really impressed with people who vent their anger with cursing. It lowers one’s dignity. Just not classy, and Chump Lady’s writing is clever and interesting without it. So tired of living in a world when people think profanity is somehow shocking, authentic, profound, cool. No, it’s just low-class and trashy, imo. Cursing actually makes people discount rather than value your thoughts and words.

    • I know plenty of people who receive immense amounts of respect AND cuss, a lot. In many professions and their personal lives. Dignity has to do with ethics and principles, not language. And “class” is just something some people made up to try and make other people feel worse about themselves. Fuck being fancy–if you’re a garbage person than all the perfect language in the world can’t save you.

  • I agree (of course) with CL!!!
    You better fuckin’ believe I do!!
    I LOVE using ‘fuck’ as well when I’m expressing my loathe of cheaters! It feels exhilarating to me!
    My business what I say! You don’t like it; don’t listen or remove yourself!

  • Jim if you bought the book because your wife cheated on you, i am sorry you are a member of this club. i hope it helps you get through the painful maze of infidelity. we are here for you regardless of where you are coming from. it is strange that you write to say your wife has a problem. if you are the cheater, tell your wife to throw you had and work on gaining a life cheater free. we are here for her too.

  • As someone who is a lover of using some profanity to “pepper” conversations. That my husband knew about for EIGHTEEN YEARS then decided to use it as a “reason” for seeking out someone nicer.

    And it turns out that someone nicer called him a BITCH (something I NEVER did cuz damn that’s harsh) for not sealing the deal AT MY FUCKING HOUSE!!

    Well…they can both go fuck off!!

  • Ya know …. I’ve had the conversation a few times lately about the over use of the F-bomb in my 20-something kids’ generation, and particularly in SO MANY movies. (Pretty sure 1500’s nobility didn’t punctuate every sentence with it).

    I don’t allow it as ‘every day use’ in my home, either. But I absofuckinglutely approve of & use it when the situation/ person calls for it. Infidelity is literally a fucking tragedy.

    • The upper classes, male and female, swore like troopers in Elizabethan England.

  • I used to enjoy this blog, but Chump Lady’s response and all the childish cussing by commenters? How is any of this different from cheaters and their “you’re not the boss of me” attitude? A bunch of temper tantrums by those with teenage brains?A childish determination to use cuss words because the grown-ups say we shouldn’t! Well, F*** them.???? Please. I’ve grown tired of this blog. I appreciate the times it helped me, but some of these chumps seem as immature and silly as their cheaters. I’m not fourteen anymore and don’t really want to read comments by people who act like they are. Bye Chump Lady. I won’t be reading again. Your blog has now become ridiculous (and not even about cheating anymore).

    • Bye ! Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya !

      • I have never heard that expression before, and I intend to practice using it in future.

        • Please do ! A Christian friend likes to pull that one out of her hat when necessary rather than the more direct “Beat it loser” or “Eff off !” How’s that for “childish” ?

          • People usually have to stop and take a beat to understand what was just said

    • Glad it worked for you when you needed it. Swearing is all about having a voice. We don’t need to be judged or looked down on anymore. We are the walking wounded who are coming back to life

    • Bravo, Skippy, for sinking to the level of comparing cursing to cheating. And *we’re* ridiculous? ????.
      Buh-bye.

  • My ex literally just got mad at me for this. He messed up our mutual finances (in the process of selling our home and getting divorced). And when I started cursing while I spoke he got all high and mighty. “Why do you always have to go straight to cursing? Why cant we be civil?” Because I’ve been dealing with your crazy fucked up financial screw ups for 10 years and I’m tired of being your fucking clean up crew! Dumbass! I’ve earned every curse word that comes out of my mouth for the ten years I spent with him. Anyone doesnt like what comes out of my mouth? You can fuck off like my ex.

    • Stronger,
      Don’t you get tired of the hypocrisy and projection of unloving, cruel, narcissistic partners! I sure do! Tired of hearing that WE are disrespectful, dishonest, unfair, and on and on. I still remember my last partner telling me, ‘It’s not fair!’ (that I didn’t give him a gold medal for helping me set up some chairs at a birthday party for one of my kids) when I finally stood up for myself and told him that I was upset that he repeatedly lied to, insulted, invalidated, and tried to control me in ridiculous ways. How dare we stand up for ourselves after years of abuse?

      • Oh I absolutely do get tired of it! It’s perfectly fine for him to get in my face and scream, throw things around and be abusive. But heaven forbid I offend his delicate ears by cursing while I tell him how shitty it is that he’s put us in a financial bind that screws us (me especially) out of quite a bit of money. And he blankly stares and asks “Why are you upset?” ????‍♀️

  • And there you have it Tracy. Lower your mic, bow for your standing ovation and exit the stage. BRAVA ! Maybe for the next protest march I should wear a cashmere twinset ,strings of pearls and shout obscenities.

  • Dear Chump Lady,

    Wow! There are a lot of people on this blog that have too much time on their hands!

    A former boss of mine stated often, “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.”

    My advice was given in the spirit of Chump Lady selling more of her books.

    As I commented, I am not offended by the potty mouth language. And no my wife is not a cheater or a bully. She’s just very straight laced.

    I bought chump lady’s book because I have been a chump for the better part of my adult life. Married to my first wife I never knew if I would wake up in the morning or be stabbed to death by the wretched witch.

    I stayed with my ex-wife for the sake of my children. It wouldn’t be fair for them to grow up without a father figure.

    A certain national politician did not invent universal assholiness, but he surely epitomizes the slogan “Assholiness is the closest thing to Godliness.”

    So there to all you sanctimonious assholes!

    10-4

    Jim Creamer

    • Thanks for the cussing Jim ????
      Glad to have you.
      And it’s wretched bitch… Not witch. Fixed it for you.
      All the best to you and your good wife.
      From one chump to another

    • Right. You were just doing a good deed. You care so deeply about how many books she sells that you just had to write her a prissy email. Never mind that the notion that people don’t buy books with swearing in them is ludicrous. Swearing is everwhere in books, movies and on TV, but you think it negatively impacts marketability? If anything, it increases it.
      So I’m calling bullshit, Jim. Or perhaps your wife would prefer the term horse manure.
      No time on your hands to write silly emails and no sanctimony coming from you at all. Right, Jim?

  • I am really sorry Chump Nation cause there is a cuss word none of you can use and that is the ‘C’ word. How come? you all say. Well the thing is I took out a patent pending on that particular word to refer to my nasty ex and I want eveutally to get a TM so no one can use it apart from when it’s about him. It can expire when I get to the land of meh. Sorry but without swearing I wouldn’t be standing. Righteous anger needs a few cuss words and of course I would never really steal the C word from general use but it has been fun to ring-fence it in my friendship group. So bad only one man is deserving 🙂

    • I share your attitude to the C word and reserve it for very, very special people.

      I don’t really see it as pejorative myself, because a C word is after all a tough, versatile, self-cleaning, life-giving part of the body.

      So usually I use the word ‘dick’ instead, which although it has its beauty, tends to shrivel up.

  • I cannot convey my horror story with out using the FUCK word
    FUCK FUCK FUCK
    Chuckles looks down his nose at me and always carry’s a bible in his little shoulder bag – (born again). He is now on wife number 3
    He also likes the men’s toilets
    The new one looks down her nose at me as I swear, she is an ex drug addict and slept with her sons best friend but they think I am shit. He stole my money but I hold it together for the disabled children. I’m the sane parent and have the home light burning.
    I just found out I have cancer, yet the next day put on a birthday party for 30 disabled kids. They came with bible and looked down their nose at me. lol.
    FUCK FUCK FUCK
    Thank goodness for Chump Lady and Chump Nation. I would not be standing 6 years later without you guys. I read every day before I get out of bed so that I can just fucking get out of bed and face the new day and all it brings
    THANK YOU ALL.
    I have always been a swearer and could not tell my nightmare without swearing.
    FUCK ALL CHEATER FUCKWITS!!!!!!!!!!!
    From Australia

  • “ Fuck those Switzerland Fucks”

    My fav line in this ………..????????????????????????

  • Oh for FUCK’s sake, Jim! I am a highly educated woman with three degrees and an incredible vocabulary, and I could not find the words to describe how badly I was FUCKED over by my both of my cheating, lying partners! They took my money, violated our intimacy agreement, told me I was crazy and unlovable, and made it nearly impossible to take care of myself and my children so they could FUCK around and have fun. They blew up my FUCKING family and walked away to leave me to clean up the mess, and you’re worried about me (and Chump Lady and others like us) saying FUCK?!?! Cause why, Jim? It’s not LADYLIKE? It sounds ANGRY and BITTER? It doesn’t show forgiveness for our cheaters? ARE YOU SERIOUS??

  • X used to lecture me about cursing in front of the children and would whine about how I was setting a bad example, how they shouldn’t be exposed to such crude language, and how the next thing you know, they’ll be using curse-words at school. One day I finally said, “You know what?! Either I curse, or someone is going to get hurt. It’s as simple as that.”

    In a rare moment of defiance, I then gathered the children together and laid down the ground rules. I explained to them that words like fucking Christ, Jesus fucking Christ, Jesus fucking H Christ, goddamnit, god fucking damnit (my front-line cusses, thanks to my Catholic upbringing), fuck, shit, motherfucking shit, and asshole are “mommy words” that only mommy is allowed to say.

    One of them asked if they would ever be allowed to say mommy words (interestingly, none of them asked if daddy could use mommy words). I said they could when they were older. “How old?” Fuck do I know . . . so I pulled a number out of my ass. “Twelve.” At the time it seemed like it would take much longer for any of them to reach this milestone than it actually did.

    Much to X’s irritation, our children followed the rules and refrained from using mommy words, while I continued to curse up a blue streak whenever I needed to let off steam, which in their younger years was pretty often. When each of them turned twelve, they greeted the day with some variation of “Fuck yeah! I’m twelve now, motherfuckers!” which also irritated the fuck out of their dad.

    I periodically reminded them that their license to curse was only good at home and that if they cussed at school or in front of any of their friends’ parents, their license would be revoked. Amazingly, they followed this rule, too, and spent their teen years engaging in responsible, creative, and contextually-appropriate cussing, which, as another added bonus, drove their dad absolutely bat-shit crazy.

    When I first started reading this thread, I thought maybe Jim was a chump trying to curry favor with his wife by condemning CL’s use of “potty language.” But remembering my own experiences with a high-and-mighty narcissist who also felt free to command me to cease cussing forthwith, I’m going with the theory that he found his wife’s book and is trying to use curse-words as a distraction to undermine her faith in the source.

  • Profanity keeps me from reaching out to the ex when he does something that pisses me off. The other day, he came to pick up my son for an outing (this is the son who no longer visits his dad because the cheater stepmother hates him), and he was 20 minutes late when I had things to do. He’s always late; this wasn’t a surprise. The constant selfishness and disrespect can get to me sometimes, though, but instead of sending him an angry text or email, I watched him drive away and said “Fuck you” while giving him the finger (where he couldn’t see it). I felt better, life moved on, and I didn’t do anything to reignite the drama.

    Jim, I rarely swear. When I do swear, my friends and family are shocked because I do it so little. There are times when I need to swear, though, and it is very theraputic. I would rather use those words to get my anger off of my chest than carry that anger around or lash out at someone with it when it’s not deserved (or in the case of my ex, will only create drama for me).

  • Wish I had missed this comment! My chumpy self would wait up while she was traveling to get home late. Kiss her at the door and go unload her car. Just to find out she was late at times because she did a drive by at her boy toys house. Yes those lips had been on his dick….. not enough scope in this world to wash that thought out of my brain!

    • Yes a trigger DavidB. Some of our greatest joys are in anticipation. No one wants that shit in our heads. You deserved much, mich better. Keep the faith. There’s a better things coming your way.

  • She fucked her ex boyfriend. She fucked her boy toy. Probably fucked some others. She didn’t use a fucking rubber. And I should have a problem with the word FUCK?

  • I rarely cursed before D-Day #1. Afterward, I could make a fucking sailor blush.

    According to Asshat, I had developed a “potty mouth”, and as such, needed anger management.
    No, I fucking didn’t. I needed to distance myself from his shit show and divorce his sorry ass. I still curse a bit more often, but I am no longer angry.

    #BetterNow
    #AsshatFreeIsTheWayToBe

  • Considering that people for centuries have committed crimes of passion (e.g., murdered spouses who they have caught in the act of adultery), writing/saying expletives in describing feelings about infidelity seems quite innocuous.

    My abusive, adulterous ex-husband, without provocation used to call me a ‘F–king B–ch’ in front of our young children, around the same time he would break my equipment in our home office before thankfully disappearing for days to spend time with his boyfriends, prostitutes, etc. I wept when he took me to court on false allegations of child abuse, among other things and had his attorney serve me divorce papers, but now I think that his divorcing me was a ‘mercy killing.’ When he has tried to con me through the legal system (e.g., file for change in custody without informing me, falsely accuse me of committing multiple felonies) and I responded that his behavior was disgusting and unethical, he has repeatedly accused ME of calling HIM names. Perhaps I shouldn’t have held back–If I was going to do the time, perhaps I should have done the ‘crime’ (utter profanity).

    One of my careers is teaching. Most of my students are wonderful, polite people of various ages. A small percentage of my students are impolite and disrespectful. In that small percentage, I have PREFERRED the ones that yelled, ‘F–k you,’ to me to the ones that very quietly said, ‘I’m going to get my parents to sue you [because you’re not making special unwarranted accommodations for ME].’ The former group was honest; the latter was manipulative.

  • Saddest day ever at CL.

    Jim wrote:

    Dear Chump Lady,
    Why do you use foul language? My wife cringes when I use bad language (she is a linguist). It detracts from your heartfelt advice.
    I bought your book on Amazon and it is right on. Do yourself a favor and cut out the potty mouth.
    Your truly,
    Jim

    A bit condescending, and clearly doesn’t get the vibe of this site, but in 50 words he praised CL’s message (twice), did not attack anyone, and he gently urged against the use of profanity, advice that many decent people who don’t get blue humor might give. My mom, for instance.

    Here is a sampling of your responses to Jim, who might be a cheater or a chump–we don’t know–cut and pasted from above:

    FUCK OFF JIM!
    Fuck off Jim and go fuck your wife unless someone else is doing that for you hence you’re here.
    ( you obviously don’t get it)
    ( you don’t belong here).
    Now, go suck a bag of dicks. ( you may already have- hence the wife having to buy CL’s book)
    My stbxh is Jim…..so FUCK you Jim.
    fuck off and have a sorry day
    Fuck off JIM!
    GTFOH, Jim.
    **Fuck off Jim**
    Dear Jim’s Wife (and Jim), F*ck your concerns and your arrogance.
    I strongly suspect that Jim is the Fuckwit and his wife is the Chump.
    #JIM (Jerk In Myhumbleopinion)
    Hypocritical fake goody two shoes P.O.S.
    But to “jim” – you ain’t worth a fukk
    So fuck off, Jimbo.
    Fuck him.
    Go jump in a fucking lake, Jim.
    So, fuck the hell off, Jim,

    This was not proportionate, insightful, or funny. It was not liberating, political, or just. It was just ugly, cruel, and stupid. I am shocked it stayed up on CL’s website all day. I hope everyone who participated feels good about it. It makes me sick to my stomach.

    • I agree. The entire blog post needs to be removed. It seriously reads like crazy hate speech by a bunch of loonies. Think Madonna and Ashley Judd cursing up a storm for women’s rights. Not impressive or persuasive. But crazy and offensive, yes. I get some chumps like cussing, but verbal abuse is not okay, folks. Very sad day for this blog.

      • Skippy,

        This blog is infinitely better because of level headed people like yourself. Chump Lady’s book advertised this blog as someplace to get help in dealing with being a chump and countering cheaters.

        All the name calling is counterproductive and a complete waste of time. The internet is full of useless blogs designed to waste people’s time.

        Most blogs have everything to sell and nothing to tell. They have replaced newspapers, radio and TV with mindless drivel.

        Hang in there, you’re a good person.

        Sincerely,

        Jim Creamer

    • At night I often start at the bottom and work my way up Nomar. Sorry, but I couldn’t help laughing at the summary you posted. So I stopped there. But I still can’t stop laughing. Suck a bag of dicks? Perhaps many of the cheating X’s or OM were named Jim and it was a trigger.

    • I’m sorry you feel that way, nomar. There’s lots of angry people here, most of whom are women, and most of whom I would guess have had plenty of Jims in their lives.

      Jims who have told them that if they were just a bit more feminine, or womanly, or ladylike, they would have Kept Their Man.

      Jims who have missed the point, over and over.

      Jims who were first with the unsolicited advice, and last to pick up a dishcloth or a dirty nappy.

      So yeah, I think this is quite triggering for lots of us. Poor Jim has to cop it, and yes, I feel a bit sorry for him.

      You have a wonderful wife, and she runs a great blog. She’s taking out the trash for thousands of hurting people, and she almost never goes wrong, but she’s also only human.

      Give her our love, and forgive us if you can.

      • Yes, I think that’s what it was. The male posters seem to have had a different reaction. They’ve never had to deal with the patronizing sexist bullshit about how if they aren’t quiet, sweet and uncomplaining, they don’t deserve love and won’t keep a man. They aren’t socialized to take shit from women the way we are to take shit from men. My own grandmother told me if I didn’t stop being “difficult” (as in standing up for myself), I’d lose my husband. She was a chump many times over who took shit from her husband, so she expected me to as well.
        Well, we aren’t taking it anymore, and we know when we are being condescended to by guys like Jim. The attacks did go too far, though. There was no reason to accuse him of being a cheater or say horrible things about his current wife. Anyone who spends time on the interwebs knows how often a mob mentality will take over and things will go sideways. Apparently, Jim hasn’t had much experience with what happens when you drop a stink bomb on a blog, then piously proclaim you were just trying to be helpful.

    • I agree with Nomar that we shouldn’t pre-judge Jim (who posted here below somewhere down thread), particularly as a cheater. I said this over at Facebook, but should’ve gotten on her last night and done some moderating. That is the single hardest part of this job, that frankly, I don’t have time to do properly — read every comment and moderate. Or explain. Or expand on points. Or thank people for theirs.

      I don’t fault Jim for his imaginary sins (that he’s some cheater — he’s a chump, as he explained), he doesn’t deserve our abuse. I ran the letter because I thought it was a good question. And absolutely FUCK YES there is a point to criticize Jim on — that rightly incenses a lot of women — condescension. Doing me a favor with his unsolicited opinion on how I should write. That doesn’t include profanity.

      To Jim, he probably thinks he’s making a fair point. For women, we see all the assumptions and probably project our own experiences here — that women should be nice and well-spoken and never rise to anger to make their points. And we roar back FUCK NO. Can’t keep the lid on this box, don’t try.

      Like “Don’t worry your pretty little head there, Missy.” To a man maybe that looks like “Hey, I just want you to calm down and not feel bad. Situation is under control. And I said you were pretty! Bonus!” To a woman, it feels condescending. Conversation ending. Moronic. And what does my pretty head have to do with anything?

      Anyway, I’m sorry I let this page go unattended yesterday — and Jim, I’m sorry. You asked a question, I tried to give you my honest answer. You don’t deserve abuse. If the fucks bother you, this is the wrong place. Generally, we are a very loving (if profane) tribe, and as a chump you are welcome here. Although I absolutely understand why you’d stay away now.

      • Dear Chump Lady,

        I never cheated on my ex-wife or current wife. I bought your book because I don’t want to be a chump anymore and you had concrete solutions. The douche bags on your blog dreamed up that I am a cheater – slander comes easy on a blog.

        I honestly believe you will sell more books if the four letter words were replaced with more effective English language. That’s my point, nothing more nothing less.

        Look, I have no idea if this blog is a honey pot to attract right wing and left wing wackos.

        Based on the over 200+ responses to my simple message, it sure appears that this message board is not designed to help the chumps of the this world, rather it is designed to help law enforcement identify potential targets of interest.

        Your resume shows you are a highly educated person. I have never come across anyone like you. You truly care about your fellow Americans. OTOH you have attracted people who I honestly think are wingnuts.

        Sincerely,

        Jim Creamer

        • Jim:

          Your letter got the angry responses it did because it sounded bossy, condescending, and like something cheaters tell their chumps. Would you have written the male author of a book containing profanities and told him to do himself a favor and ditch the potty mouth?

          I bet you wouldn’t.

          Women deserve the same respect.

          • Crazy Cat Lady,

            I buy books that interest me
            I’m not a sexist
            Just rough around the edges. Yes, my criticism would be the same if the author was a male.

            My son bought me a John Stewart book that was a complete sellout. I am a big fan of George Carlin. Now that was a fucking great comic.

            Sincerely,

            Jim Creamer

        • You “honestly think” no such thing. You’re just angry at being called out for being a whiny little bitch with an undeserved sense of superiority.

        • Wow Jim. Just wow.
          I’m not left wondering what your real angle is cause you have just shown that it’s not about the chump.

        • Angry people are not wingnuts. They’re angry, usually with good reason.

          There are people here on this blog whose cheaters KILLED their child.

          I’m sorry if that’s not sufficiently middle class for you.

        • To even out the playing field we should look forward then to Jim’s similar admonishment of Mark Manson whose Fuck Yeah post is legendary. I’m sure he too will appreciate being told that he would sell more books and get more hits on his site without the swearing too, maybe even increase the sales of his runaway bestseller “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k”.

        • Anytime you give advice starting with “Do yourself a favor”…you are about to say something super lame and condescending. You think you’re being “helpful” but actually you’re just mansplaining to a woman who’s kinda a pro at this. In fact, she is the ONLY ONE on the internet doing this type of work, so arguably the ultimate expert.

          You could learn from the reaction you got here, take a minute to reflect on the way you ld take communicate. That’s an option.

          But yes, the internet can be a terrible place for terrible trolls. But I’ve not seen that on this site in any real way.

      • He answers you with more condescending bullshit in the form of false flattery (classic passive aggession) while at the same time insulting your blog. Predictable. You were right to object to people assuming he was a cheater and attacking him for that. As for attacking him for being a sanctimonious killjoy who comes across as sexist, he should expect that, and you were right again to tell him so. It seems to have pissed him off, but if it means he goes away, great.

  • As my name suggests, I am an elderly woman and I too began channeling when I found out that the X was not only cheating on me but was quite good at it as he had been ‘practicing’ throughout most of our 30+ relationship. Prior to that, rarely did a four letter word pass my lips. I was raised in a home where the words ‘shut up’ were considered vulgar.

    Hope my mamma is cheering in her grave and swearing up a storm because she was cheated on too but in those days women had no recourse so she did what she had be taught to do as a ‘proper lady’. Kept her mouth shut even after he abandoned her with a house full of children. I can’t help but think she understands my slip in language because I keep telling her, wherever she is, that I am doing this for her too – for what she couldn’t do.

    CL’s words were what began to wake me up as I was one of those unfortunate ones caught in the RIC camps because I simply did not know there was another option. I LOVE ALL OF HER WORDS and welcome more as they all fit the ‘crime’ being perpetrated on innocent partners and children.

    Yeah CL

    Fuck ’em all who object to a bit of strong language.

    Thanks for being my voice!

  • My ex never ONCE swore at me in 30 years of marriage, but that didn’t keep him from whoring around. I think that was his way of making himself feel good about himself. Me? Well I yelled, “FUCK YOU!!” at the top of my lungs at the very end and I try my best to be the best Catholic girl I can be. Sometimes profanity (even if you have to go to confession afterwards) is the ONLY way to explode without outright murder! I thank God that He’s forgiving and loving because He knew that I needed to swear at the top of my lungs over and over again. I don’t know what Jim is going through, or why he had to say that his wife doesn’t like Tracy’s potty mouth, but something may be going on that we just don’t know about. I hope for Jim’s sake that life can be figured out without the profanity, but I thank God that Tracy and CN was here to help me through the worse. I love you all!

  • Your Medusa hair reference ???????????????? Your potty mouth is part of your charm that kept me reading your column (along with your snark). After living with my cheater ex and going through what we all went through, I too now have a potty mouth (what a bad influence you are ????????).

    I love how some of you changed your names in honor of today’s column. ????????

    Too many great comments today. Lola – if you see this – loved your cunning reference. ????????

  • Yes, I like calling the new whore wife, a whore, and a cunt. And I like referring to my ex as a fucking asshole.

    Sometimes, I think I should be more educated about it and find another adjective – but fuck no. They fucking suck.

    Manipulative fucking assholes.

  • Well said C.L! I find the swearing refreshing and cathartic. Thank you.

  • This was absolutely outstanding. What an incredibly talented writer you are.

  • I never used to swear. I had no need to. But the ex was a marine with a foul mouth. So I developed one too and I HATED it. I hated that I had become like him with his disgusting mouth. Thankfully it’s lessening now.

  • Jim,

    You rightly called us out on any presumptions we made about you. Good for you. Your original letter however, was patronizing and condescending. That’s a huge trigger for a lit of chumps. It was on us again, not you, to determine how we responded to that trigger. I, speaking for myself, am sorry your first experience at Chump nation was so traumatic.

    By and large this sight is supportive, if rather profane. But it’s also, highly, even unproportionally, protective of CL. For many of us she has been a life saver. I am sorry that in that zeal we attacked a fellow chump, who we are usually protective of as well.

    I wish you all the best. Thank you for the lesson in looking before l leap lest I really fuck up.

  • I think Jim and many of the respondents are missing the point. CL’s “profanity” is selective and very funny. It is not gratuitous (like several posts have been). This difference can be seen at comedy clubs, and is often the difference between good and bad comics.

  • Jim “CREAMER” not buying what he is selling. Creamer am I the only one finds that odd?

  • Guys, more than I hate moderating comments on this blog (I loathe it), I hate when we turn on one of our own. Jim says he’s a chump, he’s a chump. I took down any comment calling him a cheater, or insulting his wife. This isn’t who we are. Fucking hey.

  • Hello Tracy,

    I love your family. A minister that swears? Adopt me! A grandfather the swears more? Would totally love to sit around that dinner table.

    But, it’s okay. I have an attorney aunt who has a mouth so foul that most of her (male) opponents in court drop dead.

    They just can’t handle a petite, little redhead saying things that embarrass hard-core sailors.

    Instead dead. Good legal strategy.

    Hmmm…. Maybe we are related: British degrees. Curly hair. Swearing family members who also believe as passionately in swearing as they do in God. Both Chumps. Stranger Things happened.

    I also put my money where my mouth is and I am a proud patron of this site.

    Why do I support this site? Tracy is the inventor of the famous Universal Bullshit Translator. Gotta love female inventors. Gotta admit that the UBT is the most innovative invention since indoor plumbing. Indoor plumbing removes the bullshit and so does the UBT.

    But, alas.

    It’s all about being CHUMPED. Being chumped is as fun as being in the middle of a nuclear war zone.

    Imagine this. Imagine standing in a beautiful grassy field. There in the grassy field is a beautiful cottage you have built for yourself complete with Tudor architecture and a white-picket fence. You are minding your own business and tending to your rose garden, you are planting lavender to feed the local bee population, the sky is blue, and there are puffy white clouds. Oh my Goodness; impressionist paintings actually exist in real life. Sweet!

    Then bam. A nuclear bomb obliterates EVERYTHING. Then another falls and another and another.

    When you crawl out of a hole and look around, everything you knew became a nuclear wasteland with NOTHING. You are there; sort of alive (if you call that living) and you wonder what happened. Everything is gone for as far as the horizon stretches. That’s what the inside of your mind feels like. That’s how everyday feels. Being CHUMPED is the emotional equivalent of a nuclear wasteland. You did nothing to deserve it. Yet, you live with the fallout.

    So what are your first thoughts:

    Oh fuck. Now what?

    What the fuck? Is that someone else’s underwear?

    Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

    The love of my life just fucked another person in our bed!

    Who the fuck does that!

    Who the fuck am I engaged to?

    Is my fiancé a fuck-wit? (Oh he is).

    How the fuck could I be so fooled!?

    I just spent half of my fucking life wasting time on a fuckwit!

    Dr. Martha Stout says that the Sociopath Lives Next Door, not in my bed!

    How the fuck did a sociopath get into my pants when the sociopath lives next door?

    Do I need a fucking locksmith?

    Do I need fucking chasity belt since the fucking sociopath next door walked through my front door for years and slept in my fucking bed?

    Who is this fucking imposter! He said he believed in monogamy and would love me forever; but he was just a fuckwit in disguise.

    Do I get the fucking scissors and do this fuckwit up Lorena Bobbit style?

    Now, I admit that I am NOT a “cunning linguist,” however it’s hard not to notice that the word fuck is the most versatile word in the English language: Pronoun, noun, adjective, verb, adverb, subject, object, simile, and metaphor.

    That’s a fucking versatile word!

    But, as a Chump, FUCK is the only thing that fits.

    Why?

    Because the fuckwit who was pretending to be the love of my life was fucking someone else in my fucking bed.

    The problem here is not the word “fuck.” The problem here is that there are fuckwits devastating others. Without fuckwits, there would be no “fuck,” just wits.

    And I would be okay in a world of “wit” and no “fuck.” But, the fuckers cheated on us and Tracy is able to write about it with “wit.”

    That’s a fucking miracle.

    (Round of applause for Tracy and her groundbreaking invention the UBT).

    ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

  • Hello Tracy,

    I love your family. A minister that swears? Adopt me! A grandfather the swears more? Would totally love to sit around that dinner table.

    But, it’s okay. I have an attorney aunt who has a mouth so foul that most of her (male) opponents in court drop dead.

    They just can’t handle a petite, little redhead saying things that embarrass hard-core sailors.

    Instead dead. Good legal strategy.

    Hmmm…. Maybe we are related: British degrees. Curly hair. Swearing family members who also believe as passionately in swearing as they do in God. Both Chumps. Stranger Things happened.

    I also put my money where my mouth is and I am a proud patron of this site.

    Why do I support this site? Tracy is the inventor of the famous Universal Bullshit Translator. Gotta love female inventors. Gotta admit that the UBT is the most innovative invention since indoor plumbing. Indoor plumbing removes the bullshit and so does the UBT.

    But, alas.

    It’s all about being CHUMPED. Being chumped is as fun as being in the middle of a nuclear war zone.

    Imagine this. Imagine standing in a beautiful grassy field. There in the grassy field is a beautiful cottage you have built for yourself complete with Tudor architecture and a white-picket fence. You are minding your own business and tending to your rose garden, you are planting lavender to feed the local bee population, the sky is blue, and there are puffy white clouds. Oh my Goodness; impressionist paintings actually exist in real life. Sweet!

    Then bam. A nuclear bomb obliterates EVERYTHING. Then another falls and another and another.

    When you crawl out of a hole and look around, everything you knew became a nuclear wasteland with NOTHING. You are there; sort of alive (if you call that living) and you wonder what happened. Everything is gone for as far as the horizon stretches. That’s what the inside of your mind feels like. That’s how everyday feels. Being CHUMPED is the emotional equivalent of a nuclear wasteland. You did nothing to deserve it. Yet, you live with the fallout.

    So what are your first thoughts:

    Oh fuck. Now what?

    What the fuck? Is that someone else’s underwear?

    Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

    The love of my life just fucked another person in our bed!

    Who the fuck does that!

    Who the fuck am I engaged to?

    Is my fiancé a fuck-wit? (Oh he is).

    How the fuck could I be so fooled!?

    I just spent half of my fucking life wasting time on a fuckwit!

    Dr. Martha Stout says that the Sociopath Lives Next Door, not in my bed!

    How the fuck did a sociopath get into my pants when the sociopath lives next door?

    Do I need a fucking locksmith?

    Do I need fucking chasity belt since the fucking sociopath next door walked through my front door for years and slept in my fucking bed?

    Who is this fucking imposter! He said he believed in monogamy and would love me forever; but he was just a fuckwit in disguise.

    Do I get the fucking scissors and do this fuckwit up Lorena Bobbit style?

    Now, I admit that I am NOT a “cunning linguist,” however it’s hard not to notice that the word fuck is the most versatile word in the English language: Pronoun, noun, adjective, verb, adverb, subject, object, simile, and metaphor.

    That’s a fucking versatile word!

    But, as a Chump, FUCK is the only thing that fits.

    Why?

    Because the fuckwit who was pretending to be the love of my life was fucking someone else in my fucking bed.

    The problem here is not the word “fuck.” The problem here is that there are fuckwits devastating others. Without fuckwits, there would be no “fuck,” just wits.

    And I would be okay in a world of “wit” and no “fuck.” But, the fuckers cheated on us and Tracy is able to write about it with “wit.”

    That’s a fucking miracle.

    (Round of applause for Tracy and her groundbreaking invention the UBT).

    ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

  • You need to stop clutching your fucking pearls, Jim. Being a chump is what made me embrace swearing.

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