The Universal Bullshit Translator was awakened from its slumber to several insistent tweets that it tackle some sort of ProJared bullshit.
The UBT had no idea what a ProJared was, as the “Pimp my dragon mount!” segment of the economy is unfamiliar to a simple analog machine. Apparently, among the savvy sorts who fancy themselves goblins, ProJared is a celebrity — a man-child who earns a measure of fame reviewing fantasy video games.
He is also a douche. Controversy arose last week when his long-suffering wife, Heidi O’Ferrall, outed him as a cheater.
Chumps will recognize the Mindfuck Greatest Hits — cake-eating, blameshifting, gaslighting… and of course, impression management.
Heidi’s airing of Jared’s sins was a response to a public statement he made about their divorce, speaking in the royal We:
Now for the UBT’s turn.
My wife Heidi and I have filed for divorce.
Her refusal to allow me a harem of adoring fuckbuddies has left me no choice.
I know this may come as surprising and upsetting for many of you,
I’m sure you were anxiously awaiting my latest review of Goblin Smiters 6.0 (affiliate link!), instead I come with breathless news of my dysfunction.
Do not clutch your 20-sided dice in horror. Do not weep. Do not unfollow.
but know that we do this so that we may both seek happiness for ourselves.
I speak for my wife because she is under an evil enchantment. Which is why I’ve blocked her. So she cannot express her manifest happiness.
During this time you may see a lot of rumors, speculation and gossip going around.
My wife might utter the truth. Remember, she is under an evil enchantment.
I ask that you make your own observations and come to your own conclusions.
I trust your judgement so much that I must write a public statement about my divorce, assuring you of its mutuality and warm regard. What would be the point of discretion or silence? Like a perv presses his hard on against a subordinate in a copier room, I must press my narrative. I only ask that you
pillory Heidi, but spare my Schmoopie, come to your own conclusions.
I will add that this decision was reach after extensive individual therapy on my part
It’s a new therapy. I fuck a cross-eyed pigeon fancier named Holly, then deny it. Repeat until decision is reached. Or Heidi changes the locks. Whichever comes first.
and couples therapy together.
Okay, I might be seeing other pigeon fanciers. Pigeon-toed pigeon fanciers. Hammer-toed pigeon fanciers. Web-footed pigeon fanciers…
Point is, I did therapy, okay?
With that said, this is all I plan on stating publicly regarding this matter.
Unless you’d like to send me a naked picture in which case we can discuss all the ways I am a sad, lonely man shackled to a frigid forest fairy.
Heidi’s privacy, mental well-being and discretion have always been and will remain my highest priority through all of this.
Fucking pigeon fanciers has always been, and will remain, solely for the benefit of Heidi’s mental well-being.
Privacy is my watchword! My code. My honor. I’ve embroidered “Discretion” into my heraldic crest (two orcs holding the two moons of Azeroth). Which is why you are reading a public statement about my personal life with one million other subscribers — my ethos of discretion.
It is my hope that we both exit this marriage with style and grace.
It is my hope that Heidi never opens her pie hole. I know warlocks, Heidi. This could get ugly.
I plan on continuing to do everything I can on my part to make this happen.
I plan on mindfuckery. As a continuation of my previous mindfuckery strategy. Frankly, I face all situations with mindfuckery. I wouldn’t know reality if it bit my left tit. I am, after all, a man who sits alone in a dark room and reviews video games. AZEROTH IS REAL. HEIDI IS A LIAR.
Thank you for understanding, patience, kindness, and respect for our privacy.
Thank you for not unfollowing me.