If things don’t work out with her, perhaps you and I could work things out.
This was submitted to my “Universal Bullshit Translator” inbox. It’s so cake-y and so common. Yeah, right, I want to be Plan B! Thanks for being so bold and out there with it, Cheaterpants.
How many in CN have gotten this “offer”? Or its twin: “I have to keep an OW/OM because, hey, it might not work out with us!” Followed by the inevitable blameshifting: “Because I don’t know if you can forgive me.”
It’s a keen look into the rancid oatmeal that is Cheater Brain.
People are commodities. You hold on to them, trade, or sell them off like stock. Hmmm, this one is performing well today, but according to my kibble index, the stock may drop, so let’s pick up a couple shares of Stacey.
From the chump’s perspective, the Plan B offer is baffling. Uh, hey, you committed to me. It was that marriage ceremony thingy. You know, in front of all our assembled family and friends? See those children over there with half your DNA? They’ve been operating under the assumption that they were the Only Plan.
Oh chumps, you just don’t understand CAKE do you? How delicious, sustaining, and full of kibbles it is. Narcissists require multiple sources of ego kibbles. Cheating is simply maximizing kibble production by trading one low-performing source of kibbles (you there too focused on your job or children) for higher-performing source (an affair partner unencumbered by reality). Of course, kibbles being the precious commodity that they are, a cheater doesn’t want to shut the kibble mines — so they offer you the awesome opportunity to be auxiliary kibbles! And compete for the chance someday, if you can improve production, to be primary kibbles again.
“If things don’t work out with her, perhaps you and I could work things out” is also illustrative of a narcissistic worldview. They really do think they are AWESOME. Don’t you want to get in on this? Of course you want them! Of course you’re pining! Of course you’ll wait!
Because you don’t have any needs, do you? You’re not really a thing are you, beyond kibble producer? I mean, God forbid, you might want the full attentions of a partner. Perish the thought. A 50-50 split on the kibbles? NEVER! And those sticky-fingered, grubby little children of yours? Kibble thieves!
Look, if you could address those issues (get rid of the kids and their needs, sublimate your ego), maybe it could work out again!
Let’s everyone pass on that offer, thanks.
This column ran previously. It’s second string. Unlike you. Don’t be Plan B, okay?