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UBT — He Took the Soup

Hello Chump Lady,

I have been an avid follower of your blog since my soon-to-be ex left. We were together nearly 4 years, married for less than a year, when he announced he no longer wanted children, but he couldn’t permit me to give up my dream of becoming a mother (though I offered to do so and discard the plans we’d made together).

What he still has yet to mention is that he is having an affair with his best friend’s wife. He’s also never seen fit to announce her pregnancy and the birth of his daughter. We’ve been separated for 9 months and thanks to a dear friend’s investigation, I discovered the joyous news two weeks ago.

I am pleased to report that though I cried, vomited and gagged grief, I was a productive little ex from the start. Within the month of his leaving, I knew my rights per a very kind attorney, I had my own bank account, put our house up for sale, signed up for counseling, which I still attend, got a separate phone plan, was tested for STDs (I didn’t know he was cheating at that point, but I still knew it was good practice), made arrangements to go skydiving for my 30th birthday, paid off my car and my college loans, and best of all, I never once asked him to come back. I doubt his next ex-wife will be so productive.

He’s behaved very strangely in these past few months. He texted me constantly. (He is blocked now). Mostly nonsense. The night he left me, he packed the soup I cooked earlier that week and left the dirty dishes in my sink two days later. It’s very good soup, obviously, and his new lady love doesn’t cook, the poor dear. He asked me to do his laundry that fateful night as well. He also asked to keep pictures from our marriage scrapbook and never took them. And he sent me this gem a few months ago which I humbly submit to the UBT for analysis!

“How’ve you been lately?

You’ve probably already figured out that you’re gonna be ok. It’s just going to take time. But I am sorry for the promises I made and can’t keep now. It’s a very rotten thing to do and I feel as low as low gets for doing it.

I don’t normally pay attention to myself, never had any ideas about myself that were concrete enough to talk about. But I think I’ve figured something out that will hopefully make you feel better. I’m a terrible people pleaser. I am whoever the person I’m with needs me to be.

Beyond that, I’m nothing. Really. And once I encounter something that aggravates me on a primal level I leave the situation and find a new one. I’m just a pocket of nothing waiting for someone to stick something in it. Always have been, probably always will be. I don’t know who I am in the way you know who you are

And that’s a great thing, because you’re a person, actual and whole. And a good person at that. You’re going to find just what you need in this life, and it will be good. You’ll connect and heal and forget this time. But I’m just a pathetic vacuous nothing floating from place to place hurting people, and I’m sorry I hurt you

I hope you don’t still see yourself as a fool for what’s happened. You’re not a fool. You’re an awesome person that’s going to have an awesome kind of life. And I’ll drift from person to person waiting for someone to tell me who I am. Just think of me as a bad cold that got in you, that took a while to get rid of.”

Kind of makes you want to report him to the Center for Disease Control, doesn’t it?

I’m looking forward to getting over my “bad cold” once my divorce is final, but rest assured, I have plenty of warm soup and a delightful therapist. I hope someday I’ll get to cook it for the children I have with someone far more deserving.

In the meantime, thank you for the kick in the rear and bless you for the snark.

Yours truly in Chumpdom,

Chef Chump

Dear Chef Chump,

Wow. He took the soup? What did all the Whos in Whoville do next?

Just when I think I’ve heard everything.

Without further ado… the Universal Bullshit Translator.

“How’ve you been lately?

Picked up the pieces of your shattered heart? Made any clam chowder?

You’ve probably already figured out that you’re gonna be ok. It’s just going to take time.

You’ve probably already figured out that I’m a wheezing bag of gassy intestine and my concern about your well-being is as genuine as Real Housewife tits. However, I thrill to the thought of you convulsed with grief. Take as much time as you need to get over me. Decades. Millennia. Eons.

But I am sorry for the promises I made and can’t keep now.

What with that kid I had. Infants are such buzzkills. Rendering all my promises null and void.

Just the other day I had to call the credit card company. “Can’t pay the balance. Sorry for the promises. Sperm met egg, cell division, propagation of the species. Nothing personal.”


It’s a very rotten thing to do and I feel as low as low gets for doing it.

But not so low that you can’t do my laundry.

#skidmarksorry #washrinseremorse

I don’t normally pay attention to myself, never had any ideas about myself that were concrete enough to talk about.

I am a timid forest creature. I normally don’t pay attention to myself. My throbbing dick makes introspection difficult.

But I think I’ve figured something out that will hopefully make you feel better.

What you really need after abandonment is one of my thoughts. It’s a really special thought. About me. Just for you.

I’m a terrible people pleaser.

I am terrible.

I am whoever the person I’m with needs me to be.

I’m a genie in a bottle. I’ll give you three wishes. Oops! Had a baby. I guess not.

I am a cipher. An empty page. A ravioli without filling. I’m all hat and no cattle. A song without notes. A void. A pause in a conversation about beige.

Whatever you need me to be? You’re fucked.

Beyond that, I’m nothing. Really.

I’m so inconsequential, I’ll light up your phone with my kibble robocalls. PAY ATTENTION TO ME! It’s just nobody on the other end. FILL MY VOID! BUY MY TIMESHARE!

And once I encounter something that aggravates me on a primal level I leave the situation and find a new one.

Yeah, it has to be primal. If it’s a superficial aggravation, I’ll just shit in your boot or something.

#primalblameshift #paleomindfuck

I’m just a pocket of nothing waiting for someone to stick something in it.

(The UBT is balking. You’re not really going to make me translate this, are you? I scratched its quarter panel. It sighed and continued.)

I stuck my something into a pocket of nothing and we made a baby.

Always have been, probably always will be. I don’t know who I am in the way you know who you are

What I’m trying to say, darling Chef, is that I’m a sociopath. You have a fixed sense of self, and I’m a creampuff of limerence. I’ve found new victims, but the self-pity channel is always good for auxiliary kibbles. So be a dear and care.

And that’s a great thing, because you’re a person, actual and whole.

Unlike me, a puss-filled scab on Satan’s ass. You’re whole, whereas I may burst at any time. (But only after primal aggravation.)

And a good person at that.

And a good mark at that.

You’re going to find just what you need in this life, and it will be good.

I’m not a cheating ass who abandoned you, I’m the architect of your future happiness.

#Satanhasaplan #all4thebest

You’ll connect and heal and forget this time.

I don’t know about the times after that. Answer the phone and we’ll find out.

But I’m just a pathetic vacuous nothing floating from place to place hurting people, and I’m sorry I hurt you

I’m just a pathetic vacuous nothing floating from place to place hurting people, but now I have a baby to practice on.

I hope you don’t still see yourself as a fool for what’s happened. You’re not a fool.

I fooled you. I hope you don’t see yourself as a victim of a con. I’m not a con artist. Just a vacuous cloud of nothing. You can’t blame clouds!

You’re an awesome person that’s going to have an awesome kind of life.

Trust me. I’m a vacuous cloud of nothing, but I’m also an authority on your worth.

And I’ll drift from person to person waiting for someone to tell me who I am.

Woe! A ghost with amnesia, I’ll haunt the moors, until someone can tell me who I am.


Just think of me as a bad cold that got in you, that took a while to get rid of.”

I have a hat full of terrible metaphors. Vacuous cloud. Amnesiac ghost. Bad cold. Long-long uncle assassin. Clown killer.

Whatever pulls your heartstrings. I wouldn’t know, I have no heart, just this hat.

Give a ghost a kibble. You’re awesome! And that’s a promise!

Have a primal day!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I vote to trash the note and go have a nice afternoon of pampering yourself. He has loser written all over him and whiner. Thank the stars he’s out of your life!

  • A cry for cake from a disordered fuckwit. It sounds like a request for you to do a little bit of dancing so you can continue to be the sane soup cooking chump who does laundry and adulting shit that’s soooooo boooorrring for a Cluster B. All so he can go a funning with another Cluster B who doesn’t cook and do that boooorrrring adulting stuff.

    Maybe the two of them can pawn the baby off on their former chumps too? I’ve wondered sometimes why the schmoopie would settle for so little but then you realize they are disordered too so they are getting the thrills they want from a crazy relationship.

    I hope fuckwits former best friend has found us too!!

  • Yeah. The shiny new of the OW has worn off and the kid she probably purposely got knocked up with to try to keep him turned out to be a serious drag. He needs his kibbles and hopes he can slink back in the door of the woman that actually DID love him and take care of him.
    I’d laugh my ass off at his “luck!”

  • Wow! And I was thinking I still wanted some sort of explanation from my husband. Any one of these lines of bullshit would make me queasy. Thanks for sharing. So impressed with your mighty work!

  • Classic narcissism: void to be filled by external supply, whether experiences or people. Interesting that the cheater recognizes the void but doesn’t use the other relevant terminology. At least the response to this narc-speak word soup is clear: RUN, and thank your lucky stars you don’t have kids or financial entanglements with this person you used to know.

    • Notice also that he thinks he’s helpless to stop the behaviour. All that self pity about being doomed by their disordered way of relating is very familiar to me. My cheater does that. They never take responsibility for their own lives. They can show plenty of agency when fucking you over and wooing a schmoop, but none about changing their ways. They just don’t want to. Then they’d be like the people they look down on as weak because they can give of themselves and feel genuine, unselfish love. They’d rather continue to be miserable failures at relationships and fill their emptiness with conning new people and using substances/behaviours they get a high off of. Losers one and all.

        • The smugness is either impression management or just means they currently have supply. When they don’t have supply or get bored with their supply and can’t find a new one, they are desperately unhappy. As the age and are less able to atttact supply, it gets infinitely worse. Then they can go into narcissistic collapse. This involves substance abuse, odd, compulsive behaviours, losing jobs, losing friends, and suicidal ideation. I know one old narc who collapsed and started pulling her hair out until she was bald, refused to bathe or wash her clothes, and retreated from society. They get theirs eventually because it takes so little to destroy their fragile egos. There are ways of speeding the process up if you are inclined to do so. 😉

      • Yes to the self-pity and helplessness. My Cheater has made some efforts to get to the bottom of her issues since D-Day #2 (daughter of a narcissistic mother, who ramps up the narc scale herself whenever external stress butts in), which is part of the reason why I’m still in therapy with her, but groans about how hard it all is. “I didn’t know until recently how to love myself,” etc., but never checking in with me: “You must be wondering how I can love you if I don’t love myself, or what my definition of love even IS…”

        I am in what are likely to be the last throes of this relationship, because I’m holding fast to my own clarity about our situation and her issues – am just giving it one final effort during in-house separation on behalf of my kids (and myself, since I truly don’t know how I will earn a decent livelihood if we split). Through all the trauma haze, I see that this is a major life decision – esp. in my case, even if CL/CN is totally right about all of the disorder. It certainly would have been cleaner to end our marriage immediately after D-Day #2, but I was not in that place yet. If we do split, as I think is highly likely, my Cheater will probably go on to muddle through other relationships – perhaps not smugly, exactly, but certainly not with lasting happiness. And I will be free, though possibly dirt poor. I won’t care whether she’s miserable or not, because she won’t be my clown, and it won’t be my circus anymore.

        • LezChump, a lot of us don’t get out quickly. So you’re not alone.

          Don’t forget that you may be able to get maintenance (alimony) in our state.

          • Thanks for that, Hopium. I probably would qualify for alimony, but my spouse and I collectively don’t have much – academic careers are kind of like a modern vow of poverty. Am meeting with lawyers over the next couple of weeks.

      • Yup……The “best” I get from my Ex is some version of “Yes, I did the terrible thing but that’s just who I am……”

        If I ask are you OK with being someone who lies, cheat, betrays, abuses, etc., he grouses, and maybe sometimes says, “No, but I have to accept that’s who I am….”

        If I ask what are YOU going to do about it, the answer is always CRICKETS or “I don’t know”

        Inevitably, however, the conversations will ALWAYS come back to: 1) Blameshifting, i.e., my expectations are/were too high (Ok, expecting my spouse would be truthful and faithful — things he swore he was — was the problem); and/or 2) Minimizing, i.e. the bad thing(s) weren’t as bad as I am making them seem, and the problem is how “dramatic” I am.

        It’s ALL a trap. There is NO way to “win” one of these conversations.
        Absolutely NO understanding that HE is the ONE person who can actually change and control his behavior.

      • Chumperella – Spot on.

        On the one hand, I think the guy is on to something when he says that he’s just an accommodator/follower who bails when the shine wears off. On the other hand, it’s so vexing that he seems to want to do nothing about it. Just excuse it away.

        So like my own ex. Sure, he’ll pass himself as so self-enlightened with the OW, et al., when he speaks about seeking out who he is. But, if none of them have the brain to question the quality of his self-improvement, they’ll fall for his crap again and again.

        I realize know how often I actually called him on it throughout the marriage without really realizing how close to home I was hitting it. Probably why a life with me is not an option for him – you know? Expectations, maturity, real results.

  • That’s a pretty good self-evaluation for someone with a personality disorder.

    • Kinda weird, it’s a spot-on description of someone with NPD. No sense of self, lack of object constancy, needs external validation to gain sense of self, “aggravation” = devalue and discard. Almost feel sorry for the twat …

      Hang on a minute!! Geez, nearly slipped there … chump got distracted by the pity channel … old habits die hard.

      Chef, be VERY glad it was only four years and no kids. Cut loose and fly.

      • U made me lol. Great responses. So, true. Fuck’n narcs. Pretty good introspection from a disordered fucker. Sick fucker.

        • These narcs are reading about themselves now, with all the information at everyone’s fingertips. It’s not introspection, it’s just more me me me me. They’re beginning to use the terminology and some of them are starting to shame neurotypicals for “hating on” them when they “have no choice in their disorder”. It’s insult to injury and when they paint themselves as mentally ill it makes abelds look like we’re the abusive, unfeeling and uncaring ones.

  • Dear Tracy,

    I think you were the first person who made me laugh after DDay but my memory is PTSD foggy.
    Now I remember for sure it was you.

    Thank God for you.

    Velvet Hammer

    PS….rock on, Chef Chump! I wish I had been as kick-ass initially as you.

    • VHammer – ‘I think you were the first person who made me laugh after DDay”.

      I’ve been here 6 years now(daily) and I thought I’d read everything funny.
      This UBT post made me belly laugh over and over as I slowly read every UBT answer to poor Chef.

      It’s one of those keepers just for the hilarity of the snark responses!
      See why I’m a velcro chump to this site.

      (may need a hand-drawn cartoon of ubt machine)

  • What an idiot..,
    Be glad you didn’t have children with this pathetic cloud of nothingness.

    Poor thing just floating about waiting for someone to tell him who he is.
    I can think of a few things he is..,
    He can float off..

  • I am always surprised that these fuckwits can still leave me slack jawed but here I sit in awe of the utter absurdity that is that letter!!

    Keep blocking him and keep being mighty!!

  • A ravioli without filling – oh, that was priceless. Imagine taking advice from this useless hooha. Dumbass!

  • I think this is the most honest, detailed description of who these people truly are deep down. I actually find it amazing he was able to self-reflect in that moment and regurgitate this modicum of truth without putting the blame on her. That is more than I ever got from my former wife.

    • That was my take too! A very realistic take on who a narc is…. plus quite a load of sad sausage and pick me dance invite just to round things off

    • That’s what I got out of it too. It goes to show that these people know who they are and what they’re doing, and they do it PURPOSEFULLY. They do NOT “accidentally” hurt us.

      • Occasionally a narc will tell the truth about their disordered selves. Not because their conscience is nagging but because they think it distracts our attention from the bazillions of lies and their cheating ways.

        The Python told me after D-Day #1 “I wasn’t in my right mind.” Yep. That brain ain’t right. But as I finally realized after D-Day #2, that brain still manages to be cunning and manipulative and it belongs to a con man.

        Good for you Chef Chump – the truth about his vacuousness didn’t draw your attention away from the fact that he sucks!

        • Hopium4years,

          Thanks for your words. They very much resonate with me and my thoughts are that even when ‘telling the truth about themselves’ there is an ulterior motive beneath the words. At least in my case that is what I have figured out. Lots of DARVO going on.

          I am very proud of myself and gives huge thanks to Tracy and all here because a year and a half ago I would have been ‘touched’ by such a note. I would have read all the wrong stuff into it. Now I see the truth plain as day. Loaded with sob-story and NO real remorse.

          When wasband tried at wreckconcilliation I thought his words, which were similar held weight…..I just could not see the forest through the trees but he ran off again, as do all TFC, to lick his wounds.

          Yeah to you Chief Chump for being so clear and decisive about your immediate and thorough self care. You are young and I like to imagine that you will meet a good man out there who really does share your hopes, dreams and values. Best of Luck to you although I don’t imagine ‘luck’ will play a part in your choices because you are being so clear headed and forthright in working on yourself.

    • I noticed that too. Not sure how much it’s accurate self reflection or a bid for pity. Maybe a chance to manipulate CC into dancing for him. NXH would say shit like that, so I’d reassure him that he was as awesome as he thought. A case of spouting whatever words that may work for him to achieve his goal.

  • Sad part is, he’s almost hitting on something correct with his “floating from place to place” assessment- some folks truly don’t have the capability of being happy and not always in the hunt for something new.

  • Ur narc did reveal himself in a disorderly way. U won’t forget and he is not a cold but a serious std which u will always have to take medication to stop it from overtaking ur mind, body and soul. Keep gaining a life and slurping soup!! U are mighty!

    UBT was hilarious! Throbbing dick makes introspection difficult and #Heathcliff. Lol!

  • Keep blocking his sorry ass! UBT you are amazing! ????

    And, when Asshat moved out, he popped by the house that night and asked if he could take my chili for dinner, because he “was busy moving all day and didn’t have time to get groceries…and DD’s will need to eat when they visit me tomorrow…” Yeah. Nope. #getyourownfoodloser #sadsausagewashungry #wtf

    • Gawd. The day mine left, he came back 30 minutes later cos he was hungry and wanted to eat the homemade granola I made every week for him.So he ate a bowl of it (packed the rest up “to go”) , asked if he could have his wedding ring and house keys back. I said no, since he had made plans to meet up with his whore, he didn’t need his wedding ring, a symbol of eternal love. He said he’d “take it off when he was with her”. He really really said that. In my shock and pain, I was still able to say no, and he left. I filed for divorce the next day. PS Still hoovering 2 years later.

    • The day after I said I wanted a divorce, and had plans to leave the house in ten days, I asked what he wanted to do about groceries and cooking in the meantime. He said it would be “easiest” if I just kept cooking for both of us. Yeah. Easier for him…

  • Wow, he called himself out for being the parasite that he is, floating from person to person looking for the next host/victim. I’m sure this was an attempt to get pity kibbles and it was initially funny because it was so bad, but by the end of the letter my skin was crawling. The mental comparison my brain made while reading it was intestinal worm. Ick. Who would voluntarily have an intestinal parasite as a partner? I’m glad you are so healthy in your recovery from this fuckwit, Chef. Any chance you could post your soup recipe for the benefit of your fellow chumps? I love a good soup recipe and I promise none of us will leave our dirty dishes in your sink. 😉

      • Thank you Chef!! It does sound delicious. I’ve made something very similar in my Instant Pot and really enjoyed it. I’ll add this to my soup recipe collection.

      • I can’t believe he Took. The. Soup. smh.

        Thank you Chef, for sharing this recipe. It looks delicious.

        I’m a pretty decent cook and STBX always enjoyed it immensely. One of the things that gives me a little bit of schadenfreude is knowing he will never taste my special dishes again, and he has no idea how to make them. Hahahaha.

        I’m sorry you’re here, but thankful you’ve found Chump Lady! Sounds like you’re doing quite well in a terrible situation. You’re mighty and you dodged a bullet with that POS.

        • Mine started cooking during reconciliation – after 10 years together with me as the only cook. He was asking for detailed recipes so he could help out more. Nope, just preparing to leave me and take my recipes with him. I cottoned on pretty quickly and he only got away with a couple. What a fucktard.

  • This is such a weird statement obviously designed to be the self-pity channel. Yet there is a lot of truth to it in that narcs are simply vacuous diseases. At least he admits he is worthless and will abandon everyone. These idiots should come with warning labels.

    He also has announced that he will be leaving the twat soon as well so he can go get another definition, he just can’t help himself with that. Unless the twat can create a nest with no aggravation that is…. I am sure with a baby and its accompanied childsupport payments he will be aggravation free, amirite?

  • I remember my EX coming to me during a fake reconciliation and telling me he was a people pleaser. I hated that, the marriage councilor told him that phrase. It was taken like he was the chump that put his own needs aside and gave to the family until he could not do it anymore and had to go find his soul mate while married. In reality councilor was using the term also for the vacant nothingness that is them that has to be filled by external sources so they put on a mask and con the source. I have also read it in books as people pleasing, I wish they would use another phrase. It is not about pleasing people it is about conning people.

    I was devastated that he was considered the pleaser and the giver in the relationship, but the councilor told me later that I was going to be fine, he will keep looking for happiness as a cluster B. The councilor did not want to call out what he was, he was keeping the business instead of protecting the victim. I dropped MC and moved on to my own councilor and worked on me instead.

    It is a special talent that can use that much self awareness to create victim mode instead of growth.

    Great job of moving forward and living your best life.

    • “It was taken like he was the chump that put his own needs aside and gave to the family until he could not do it anymore and had to go find his soul mate while married.” That is exactly how my ex viewed it too. He was always giving and never getting anything back and just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so hurt by that because I knew how much I had been doing for him over the years but apparently none of that had any value to him and not only did he not appreciate it but, at best, he didn’t notice and, at worst, he resented (unbeknownst to me) some of the vary things I thought I was doing to make him feel loved.

      • Mine also said that after years of doing for others, he needed to put himself first.


        I supported you when you were jobless for almost a year when laid off before our first anniversary. You wanted to pursue policing. Didn’t get in.

        I supported you when you were laid off again. Encouraged you to become an independent consultant.

        I supported the kids and household, when for six years he was a commuter gone from the home 11+ hours a day.

        I supported your through three years of full-time university studies. And, you decided half-way through that I was so terrible a wife that you could go on the carry out inappropriate relationships with more than one woman.

        Poor sad sausage. Life is hard.

      • Once again I am struck by the lines we are told. All being so similar.

        I still remember where we were both standing when he said almost the exact same words. I remember feeling like the entire conversation was surreal especially when he talked about our children as though they meant nothing to him, “I have given everything to them and now it is my turn. I want my freedom.”

        I was literally dumbstruck because here stood a man I had been with for over 30 years and he had never commented on feeling trapped by any of us or that we had ever been a burden to him. He had always portrayed himself as the devoted husband and father.

        I remember feeling outrage at what he said about the children and, at the same time, feeling like I didn’t exist – that I didn’t matter at all in the equation.

        I was not a demanding wife. The man had freedom and did as he pleased – I didn’t realize just how much he had been doing as he pleased since he didn’t do full disclosure for many months later….and that probably wasn’t full disclosure either but he revealed that he had been cheating for our entire married life.

        In the mean time I had been bending over backwards, as so many of us chumps do, to keep the home front in order – doing all of it without a complaint. Decades of doing for him because he ‘had to work so hard to provide for us all’. I now know he wasn’t working as hard as I thought he was and he wasn’t just supporting us but his sex addiction as well. Little did I know back then. You all know the tale only too well.

        I was in denial for quite some time thinking he would ‘snap out of it’. I thought he was having a mental breakdown because his behavior was all so totally out of character. Now I know he was in his right mind, in fact – chillingly so. Incomprehensible to me at the time and parts of it still remain so confusing but I have learned here, and in my other reading, that trying to figure it out is rather futile. I remember wanting to just have a good talk to straighten things out – like I could wind the clock back in time so I could face the man I used to know and we could carry on as we had been. I know that conversation will never happen because I can’t believe a word out of his mouth and it would only cause massive amounts of more confusion and I have no more desire to spend any more mental effort in trying to ‘get to the bottom’ of all of this. Just too massive of a mind fuck.

        Methinks he isn’t enjoying his newfound freedom all that much but what really surprised me was that once I finally let go I began enjoying my freedom. The surprise comes from the fact that I didn’t know how un-free I was as my ‘captivity’ took many, many years to cultivate. It wasn’t my life that held me captive because I loved him and being a wife and a mother; it was him and his attitude towards me that held me captive and I didn’t even know it until he was gone and I suddenly felt like this huge burden had been lifted off of my shoulders. I had been so completely fooled.

        I now know I didn’t matter to him nor did our children other than as props to his ‘so called life’.

    • A people pleaser is somebody who puts on an agreeable act for public consumption. They can never say no to people they are trying to impress and be liked by. It’s totally about a false image. At home, there is nobody they consider worthy of impressing, so their mask will drop and the real selfish asshole will inevitably show. IOW, their people pleasing is not motivated by caring, but impression management and external validation.
      My cheater is this type. He was a yes man with everyone but me and the kids. Most especially they will be pathetic yes men with the schmoopie, until schmoopie becomes the spouse. Then there’s no further need to reel her/him in with slavishness, because schmoopie is now just an object that they own and are expected to keep, just like you were, and that bores and irritates them. As you say, it’s all a con. They have no internal self worth and must get it from others, and once they achieve the ultimate validation of getting somebody to commit to them, they find out it’s a let down because it doesn’t fill the gaping void inside them. They will then blame that person for being inadequate in some way, and look for somebody else who can fill it. Needless to say, nobody can. Their self pity about this knows no end, but they’re too vapid to stop the behaviour that creates this self-defeating cycle, even if they know they’re doing it. They tell themselves there’s some kind of tweaking of their method or other work-around to avoid changing, and that eventually they will find what they’re yearning for.

      • Chumperella,
        Thanks for sharing the analysis. I agree with you for the most part. I think that the only part that might not be true in the case of my last partner (boyfriend) is he will not let his mask drop with his new wife as he seems to revere here (as he did his first wife), who he was married to decades after he and I met and approximately 1.5 years after they divorced. He purportedly let his first wife emotionally abuse him as he seemed smitten by her and is cowardly and seems madly in love with his new wife, young Superwoman work subordinate, who he seems to revere and has put on a pedestal the way I put him on a pedestal. I very much doubt that he will EVER leave her. (Maybe someday she’ll leave him, even if they have kids together, if she discovers that he often lied to, insulted, criticized, and invalidated former partners and is cowardly in spite of being an executive. Or maybe she just won’t care as he is great to her—and she, turning 40 this year, wants to have kids and is quickly running out of time.) Meanwhile, for the last two years, since he discarded me, I haven’t been able to get anything close to a promising date. It’s ironic that he wanted me to feel sorry for him when he last discarded me, saying, ‘I might end up alone forever…’ No, I, the one who was discarded, seems to be the one who is most likely to end up alone forever—and I didn’t ask him to feel sorry for me. I’m sick of being alone. And I’m sick of attracting and then being rejected by gross, flaky men on Internet sites and elsewhere. I can’t help but think, ‘What is wrong with me?’

        • There’s nothing wrong with you. Dating sites seem to attract freaks. I suspect they think the women on there must be desperate and that means they can get away with crazy shit. Plus, there are just a lot of flakes out there, period. I sometimes think they are the majority. I’ve actually met a few decent guys off dating sites by making it very clear in my profile what I won’t put up with. The freaks didn’t bother me. Not even a dick pic. One of my dates told me the weirdos would stay away because my profile was intimidating.

          Btw, you ex totally fits the pattern. It’s different when one cluster b is with another. Less disordered narcs and aspds will let more disordered narcs and aspds abuse them. The cluster b fuckwit will revere them *because* of their abusiveness, which is a quality they actually admire. You are not a cluster b abuser, so you were considered inferior. My ex was the same. He let his ho abuse him because he admires narcs and sociopaths, but looks down on good people.
          His mask did not slip with the mistress and he was her slave, while treating me like garbage. They do not respect kindness and decency so they use ours against us.

    • I agree that people pleasing isn’t the right term because it makes it sound like they care about the people that they are attempting to “please”. Really it’s all a form of image management. They try to “please” people 5o look like the nice guy and be liked.

      It is all superficial as they are just trying to blend into their surroundings. It’s what predators do.

    • Wow! I am constantly shocked by the comments on this site. Everyone has heard the same BS that I have. It’s like we were all married to the same person!

      My ex started going to counselling and came home with a revelation that his problem is that he is always ‘helping’ people. His psych (knowing that he was having an affair) suggested he stop ‘helping’ people and try to focus on his own needs ????.

      Fast forward 12 months to a day when I was closing in on him, questioning his close friendship with the 22 year old in our office, and he said ‘I just have to help people. I am like a mentor to her. I helped her get her licence, her car and get to and from work. She talks to me and I help her with her mental issues. I’m just a kind person, unlike you who is cold and uncaring’.

      Turns out he had also been ‘helping’ her in bed for 2 years!

  • The only proper response to that mess is “you’re right” and then nothing.

  • “A pause in a conversation about beige.”

    Best. Insult. Ever.

    “Long-long uncle assassin.”

    Second best.

  • It might be a fun challenge to list the weirdest things that they took or left behind.

    Mme Yogapants with the help of her brother and the son of a friend largely gutted the house one day while I was at work. It was done in a weird combination of systematic and random.

    There was still a lot of stuff left that I ended up boxing over the course of a number of months and she eventually came to get it.

    One funny story on the topic of soup and soup like substances.

    Mme was a decent cook when she put the effort in to it. Most times she never bothered and one stand-by was hamburger helper – for those not familiar – instant noodles and sauce that gets dumped in to ground beef.

    Since I was in the throes of the pick-me dance – and I’m naturally polite – I complimented her on it over dinner. The next day I was looking for the rather large amount of left-overs and they were gone – presumably off to OM to show off her culinary prowess by giving him my leftovers. And one of the bowls. Which came back some weeks later still dirty.

    That was the last time I ever had to eat that stuff.


    • The ex was an avid deer hunter and we had a freezer full of venison at all times. After the divorce, I vowed to never touch the stuff again.

  • This was probably the funniest UBT I have ever read.

    Chef Chump, I am so sorry you had to go through this, but I can imagine you as a friend or a sister sitting around a coffee table, a glass of wine in hand, saying, “And THEN he TOOK THE SOUP! can you believe that shit??” while we both laugh and drink the night away.

    Anyways. I’m bad at metaphors.

    What I am trying to say is that your letter to Chump Lady reads like a chump who already has her shit together and has already started the healing process. We are able to laugh about the ridiculousness of what our cheaters said and did to us. And I really respect you for that.

    But seriously.

    He took the soup? The fucking soup? What an asshole! Who does that?

    • You described me to a tee! I was and am flabbergasted that he packed it and my exact words were in fact “Can you believe that shit?”

      I’m working on healing and while none of us planned to be in this club, I’m glad to be here, laughing at the disordered with fellow Mighty Chumps.

    • My ex took my doc Martin boots that he gave me for Christmas and I hadn’t worn yet (they take a lot of breaking in) and gave them to his 3rd in line stupid lady… She posted a pic on fb with her feet on the train seats saying she was being “such a rebel”.. I scoffed. She didn’t know she was wearing my shoes but I did and he did. He stuck into the house over Christmas whilst me and kids were away at my parents. I knew as soon as I came ask that he’d been in..
      She’s walking in my shoes but ain’t a tenth of the woman and mother I am!

      PS. I’m loving these hash tags… Summed up so fantastically! Laughing out loud here!

  • Brilliant Chef Chump meets UBT: roaring laughter.

    My belly is hurting. Chump Lady really outdid herself today, but Chef Chump must receive some credit. I say she served us chumps a Michelin ***** meal to start the day

    Chef, dear, please report this diseased soup moocher and his dirty laundry to the CDC.

    • Don’t worry; I’ll be sure to turn this infectious disease into the CDC immediately, ClearWaters!

  • He probably thinks he’s something he’s not,obviously. My ex told me last week it wasn’t my fault he used prostitutes. Thanks but I knew that already. You would have thought the soup was the least of his problems. Do you think he shared the soup, with the ow. My ex said the ow couldn’t cook, but had other skills, like sti’s.

    • OK, I had to laugh out loud, susan:

      “My ex told me last week it wasn’t my fault he used prostitutes. Thanks but I knew that already.”


      You are so mighty – to have such a fantastic sense of humor about his total assholeness now.

  • Chef Chump – I hope bestie knows the kid is not his. I would let him know at least once after your divorce is final.

    • Don’t worry; he knows. I found out when a friend saw my Ex’s name with the OW’s on a Target baby shower registry. They’re not pretending the baby is his in any way.

  • I would take him strictly at his word. There is no there there. I wonder if he will be around for his child.
    You have shown the ability to care for yourself financially. Congratulations. At 30 that is remarkable. If you want to have a child, have your own. I think there are good examples in the public eye. Diane Keaton seems to do a very good job as a single mother. In the meantime be very thankful you did not have a child with this person. Not only did he cheat on you but he cheated on his best friend, and that tells you everything you’ll ever need to know about who he is.
    Did he have a dictionary and a thesaurus with him when he wrote you the letter? It probably took him days to get every single word just right. The problem is you should give a shit. It’s worthless because he is. Hundred dollar words do not make worthwhile people.

  • Hey, ex-nothing,

    We’ll all gladly look on while you stick something in it. We’ll let Chef Chump choose the something. ????

  • OO! OO! I gotta take a crack at this. PLEASE I must take a crack at this. Pity party cheaters are just the best word-saladers.

    “How’ve you been lately?”

    I don’t actually care, I just want to bug you and this is the best opener I could think of

    “You’ve probably already figured out that you’re gonna be ok.”

    Yup, sure will. Guess there’s no point to the rest of this message now, is there?

    “It’s just going to take time. But I am sorry for the promises I made and can’t keep now.”

    But you PINKIE SWORE!!

    “It’s a very rotten thing to do and I feel as low as low gets for doing it.”

    Gee golly, that sure was rotten mister…

    “I don’t normally pay attention to myself,”

    Do yourself a favor and grab a dictionary and look up the word “irony.” You’re a cheater…who just said he doesn’t pay attention to himself. …A cheater. Who doesn’t. Pay. Attention. …To…Himself. CN collectively squints at you.

    “never had any ideas about myself that were concrete enough to talk about.”

    Never had anything about my behavior that I wanted you to know about.

    “But I think I’ve figured something out that will hopefully make you feel better.”

    Aren’t you just on the EDGE of your SEAT????

    “I’m a terrible people pleaser. I am whoever the person I’m with needs me to be.”

    My biggest flaw is I just GiVe tOo MuCh! Except I couldn’t be your husband when you needed me to be. That’s the one exception there…

    “Beyond that, I’m nothing.”




    “And once I encounter something that aggravates me on a primal level I leave the situation and find a new one.”

    I am the missing link.

    “I’m just a pocket of nothing waiting for someone to stick something in it.”

    Other Woman’s pocket had nothing and I stuck my thing in it.

    “Always have been, probably always will be. I don’t know who I am in the way you know who you are.”

    I’m sOooOo losttttttt…I’m such a pooR WanDerIng SoUL!! You’re so great I had to cheat on you!

    “And that’s a great thing, because you’re a person, actual and whole. And a good person at that.”

    Now see, here we are again, at a point of finality where the rest of this letter is moot.

    “You’re going to find just what you need in this life, and it will be good.”

    Yeah, stop your word salad and let her get started on that will you? You’re blocking the tv…

    “You’ll connect and heal and forget this time.”

    Kinda hard to do that with you still talking…should we stick something in the pocket of nothing you call a mouth?

    “But I’m just a pathetic vacuous nothing floating from place to place hurting people, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

    This is the part where he expects you to give him ass pats and pity. He’s waiting for the “oh no you’re not you’re a good guy you just made a mistake and I loooooved yoooouuu.” He’s gonna be waiting until he dies…

    “I hope you don’t still see yourself as a fool for what’s happened.”

    He hopes you’re languishing over the loss of his greatness in your life.

    “You’re not a fool.”

    No, but he is.

    “You’re an awesome person that’s going to have an awesome kind of life.”

    Damn straight. Key thing he’s missing here is your life is going to be awesome BECAUSE HE IS NO LONGER IN IT. He’s not making the point he THINKS he’s making. What’s that quote from Princess Bride? “I don’t think it means what you think it means…”

    “And I’ll drift from person to person waiting for someone to tell me who I am.”

    And he will use this excuse on every person he cheats on every time he gets caught.

    “Just think of me as a bad cold that got in you, that took a while to get rid of.”

    Can we think of him as a bad person who got in someone else and created something that he now actually can’t get rid of?

  • What a freak.

    I see a Chump Cookbook in our future.

    I need that soup recipe. 🙂

  • Sometimes, they have these very brief and fleeting moments of something approaching honesty and clarity. Here, he’s rather partly described sociopathy. You were smart to believe him and move on.

  • Best friend’s wife.

    Hooboy these subhumans are really good at trickery and mindfukkery and sad sausaging.

  • After he told me he wanted a divorce due to my “trust issues” and he wanted a partner who “trusts him 100%”. I said to him, “Who are you?!!” And he said, “I don’t know.” It was a shock to hear him say that, as I’m sure most people would be able to list many things that make them who they are.

    I always wondered how my XH could fit into any social situation and at the drop of a hat, he could turn into someone new and have a whole new set of friends that were not like his other friends. Learning about Cluster B’s was the puzzle piece I didn’t even know I was looking for. I always thought there was something lacking in me or I wasn’t doing something right in our relationship — AKA “trying harder”. I could not figure out why he needed to have such close relationships with female “friends”. For years I thought it was because a lot of these women had a college education, which I did not. If I would ever attempt to have male a friend at work, he would be so jealous. Why the double standard? These types are just black holes that will never be filled and no one will ever be enough; they need constant supply, attention and kibbles from anywhere they can get it.

    The whore he’s with has no clue as to who he really is. I’m sure she believes she was the only one he ever went out for coffee, lunch, dinner or drinks with. She’s only a drop in the harem bucket of women “friends”.

    • She’s only a drop in the harem bucket of women “friends”.

      Hahaha! Love that, Martha!

      The Python is a female “friend” collector too.

      (And after D-Day #1, I said the same thing you said: “Who are you?!!” He had pretended to be someone who valued honesty, like I do, and I had fallen for it!!)

      • Hopium4years, I love the name Python. lol. My sister called my XH a “snake” to his face, so snake is mostly what I call him in my mind. 🙂

        Yeah, I bet a lot of these cheaters are a “friends” collectors. I have no doubt in my mind that he was grooming lots of women over the years. Finally one got divorced, so he being the predator he is, he asked her out as “concerned friend” to help her after her divorce was final. At least that’s the way he played it. The truth is that he was looking to have yet another affair and preyed on a vulnerable woman. He deserves a whore that would go on a date with a married man. And she deserves a serial cheater. They are each others karma.

  • Quite possibly the Über-Sadz to end all Sadz — though something tells me he could have continued with many more paragraphs of this nauseous drivel :0

    Count yourself lucky Chef Chump — you wasted just 4 years on a person like that and at 30 you still have many years in front of you — plenty of time to find someone worthy to start the family you deserve

    • Oh yes, I can definitely agree with this. Count it lucky that it was only 4 years and you’re only 30. There’s a whole lot of time and a lot of possibility ahead of you. He can take whatever soup he wants, you really have a new lease on life.

      My marriage was 6 years (4 together, married 2) and I was divorced at 28. I’m now 31. It was kinda messy and rough going for a bit but it will sort out. For real.

  • I can relate to the cheater asking whether Chef Chump did his laundry.
    Mr. Magoo came back the next day after he left for his MOW, to pick up the rest of his things.
    I was still crying in bed, and he actually asked me if I had a chance to wash his dirty clothes. MOW didn’t have a working washing machine.
    Surprised (based on his history of sneakily getting me to do things for his secret affair partners) that he didn’t bring her and her family’s laundry over for me to wash.

    • I hope you threw his dirty laundry out of the window onto the lawn.

      Rat bastid.

    • I packed up 90% of my ex’s things to prepare for his move.

      The day of the move, I did his laundry. I was taking it out of the dryer and getting ready to start folding it when I thought, “What the hell am I doing?!” I grabbed a garbage bag and haphazardly threw all of his hot laundry in it. When he came back to get the last load of stuff, I handed him the garbage bag and said, “This is your clean laundry”. His response, “Is it folded?” I wanted to throat punch him right then and there because I realized what a chump I had been for the 9 years I was with him.

      • Is it folded? OMG….MCP. after saying he wanted a divorce and the DD following asked me what I’d still be doing for him, washing his clothes, making his bed, ironing, cooking his meals…so he could plan his life…
        They are nuts the lot of them!

        • My Ex Boyfriend of 13 years asked if he could still “be” my twin granddaughters’ grandfather, as he had since their birth. Yes, be their grandfather de facto even after he left me. “No, Dude, that is not how this works. That is not have ANY of this works!”

  • At the very least, he acknowledges that he’s one fucked up individual. The Dickhead thinks everyone else in his world is the issue, never him.

    You have a brand-new start to your life. Take the lessons learned, file them away to be used later when needed, and go live a life that better than what you had. Leave his him back in your dust.

  • Heh, that drivel could have been written by CheaterX. I can’t remember when it was in the marriage, but I realized that he took on the values of whomever he was near. If he was around environmentalists, he was an environmentalist. If you put him in an office with industrial polluters, he’d be an industrial polluter.

    He’s not sorry that he hurt you. He hurts people, but not because he’s a vacuous nothing. Vacuous nothings don’t have babies by other people’s wives.

    The most honest part of that entire Sad Sausage message is this part: I’ll drift from person to person waiting for someone to tell me who I am.

    You are well rid of that parasite.

  • What is it about soup?

    STBX always liked my cooking and doesn’t really cook himself. When I was still at the teary-conversation, is-there-hope-for-us stage, he told me how much he missed my home-cooked meals. It just so happened that I had made a too-big-for-me batch of tomato soup the night before, so I offered him some. The next day, I brought a big jar of soup into work and left it in the lunch-room fridge. (Did I mention we work together? We work together. Sigh.)

    Two days later, the jar appeared in the lunchroom sink — unwashed. Yes, the lunchroom sink has dish soap and other necessary tools for cleaning out a jar — as does the home out of which I had moved during our “trial separation.”

    (Translation: Trial separation = he gets to bring his side piece into our home as part of his complex decision-making process about whether or not we should be together.)

    The jar sat in that sink for the next three days. Finally, I rinsed it and dropped it into the recycling bin. A clarifying moment and my first step towards becoming mighty…

    Now when I inadvertently make too much soup, I bring some to a friend who is having a tough time with her cheater ex-husband.

    (I will happily contribute my tomato soup recipe to a CN cookbook.)

    • The ex loved my salsa which we had on Taco Night. I haven’t made it since we parted almost a year ago. I’m not sure I could do it without adding a few tears for salt.

      • I would love to have your salsa recipe. And I hope at some point you feel up to making it — maybe for a party to which you invite all of your mightiest and most loving friends???

        • It’s pretty easy. I use a food processor.

          One can whole tomatoes (I like Hunt’s), handful of cilantro, squeeze of 1/2 lime, salt (start with 1/2 tsp and add to your taste), 1 serrano or jalapeno sliced (use whatever heat you like, seeds or no seeds is totally up to you), slight shake of the garlic powder. Sometimes I add a can of original Rotel.

          Whir up and taste with a tortilla chip. Salt more if needed.

          When it’s where you like, stir in about 1/2 chopped onion and more chopped cilantro if needed.

          If doubling, add an extra can of tomatoes and maybe one more pepper especially if using jalapeno. I’ve had serranos that are mile and some that are blazing.

          • OOPS! Forgot to mention that I use one can of the 28oz whole tomatoes.

            • Thank you. Think of a getting-to-mighty chump enjoying this salsa this summer — and sending good vibes your way.

      • MissBailey, one day you’ll be able to make your salsa again and enjoy doing it. I always loved to bake and I baked something almost every week. I enjoyed doing it and I got even more pleasure when my kids faces lit up when they tasted it. 🙂 I have barely baked in the last four years and when I have, I dreaded it. Well, today I made Amish Strawberry Shortcake for my kids and I didn’t dread it. Baking has been a labor, but today was a labor of love. And my son enjoyed the cake. 🙂 It takes time to get back to what we loved to do. 🙂

      • MissBailey, were we with the same guy? Ex narcopath loved his garden and *I* tended to it faithfully all summer. End of summer he decided we should make salsa. We research, find a recipe and then I am left to chop, prep ,etc. He stirs it. STIRS IT. and I do EVERYTHING else.

        Every time we open and eat one of those jars of salsa, it was all “remember our team work? Damn we make good salsa..”

        Then when I move in, and he decides Friday nights will be taco dip night. And here is the list he made me of what I should buy. *Dude works in the grocery store.* But he needs me to go to his grocery store in the morning and buy it and make it cause it needs to “sit”.

        When we broke up, I cried every Friday over missing taco night. Then I cried over him having new gf make him taco dip.

        Then I became friends with his ex wife. I was really angry at that point in my grieving and we were talking about all the ways to exact our revenge (we weren’t really going to do anything, it was just fun to envision…) I mentioned picking all his tomatos so he would come home to an empty garden.

        And she says to me “does he still he make a big deal out if the garden?”
        Me: confused “yeah, why?”
        Her: “cause he planted the garden every year and then I did all the rest, weeding and watering just so in the fall I could make my grandmas salsa recipe and he would go on about what a team we were….”
        Me: shocked, mouth agape, weakly, “yeah, we made salsa too….”
        Her: “yeah, every Friday he insisted we have taco dip night, fuck I hate taco dip, now…”
        Me: crying “he said he loved my taco dip…”
        Her: patting me sadly on the back.

        These assholes are such con artists.

    • After DDay#2 I kicked ex out but because I still had hope that the marriage could be salvaged, ex would come home on the weekends but sleep in the guest room (I may have had hope but I wasn’t crazy). Every Sunday I would cook a bunch of meals to send back with him because the poor darling had such a long drive to and from work from where he was living and he was SO tired from all of his long hours (little did I know how much of that was stripper banging time not work time). One Sunday he complained that I was sending too much food back with him. It was a terrible inconvenience to have to deal with ALL THAT FOOD. Sadly for him he badly overestimated my willingness to take shit from him at that point in the separation so that was the last time I cooked him a thing. If I happened to have leftovers in the fridge when he was there, I let him have a tiny portion but no more cooking things just for him. The decision to divorce him came pretty quickly after that. #ingrate #soupfromacanforyoumotherfucker

  • A people pleaser who couldn’t please chef chump. Hmmmm…a people pleaser only to himself. What a prick!

  • “ I don’t normally pay attention to myself, never had any ideas about myself that were concrete enough to talk about.”

    Oh….so that explains why the Soup Nazi only shouts “NO SOUP FOR YOU;” he just doesn’t have any concrete ideas to speak about and he has to retain all soup since nobody else will cook it for him.

    You’re the one who has all the recipes, Chef: “NEXT!”

  • The fuckwit took the last piece of the apple pie I had made. Must have known that would be the last excellent pie he would taste!

  • Dafuq was that??? #skidmarksorry Thanks for making me laugh coffee out my nose.

  • Cluster B = parasite. Simple, yet defines so well what they really are.
    They’ll suck everything from you, including the soup. Eff them. No more soup for you.

    On a side note, what is it about narcs and soup. Mine actually complained that I stopped making his favorite soup after dday. Well….duh….you fuckwit, you don’t deserve it.

  • “I’m a terrible people pleaser. I am whoever the person I’m with needs me to be…And I’ll drift from person to person waiting for someone to tell me who I am.”

    It’s not people pleasing, it’s mirroring. NPD’s love what you love. You love chamber music, they LOVE chamber music. You love urban art, they LOVE urban art. They are who you are.

    NPD’s lack identity, mirroring is their way of existing. And mirroring is also their way of manipulating new supply, it’s love bombing.

    People pleasing. I suppose from the Narcs perspective that is what it seems like they are doing. And in the beginning they are exquiste people pleasers, love bombing you, but then they take, take, take, until you are empty. Or worse distrustful, unhappy, anxious, depressed.

    And then the Narc looks in the mirror (looks at you) and is terrified / disgusted with what they see (a shell of a person). So they discard the mirror and find a new victim/mirror who is happy, trusting, loving. And the Narc feels all these positive things again.

  • Actually, this is a pretty good description of the Jackass: “I’m just a pocket of nothing.”

  • LMHO! What did all the whos in whosville do?!

    Thanks CL.
    And today’s chump is a true kick ass.
    I advise chumps to kick ass from the get go… You will feel better for it.

  • Thanks for sharing this drivel, offload for you, laughs for us. Ugh get these people off the planet. No wonder we need so many therapists.

    As for ‘…..And once I encounter something that aggravates me on a primal level I leave the situation and find a new one….’ that’s another cheater classic. They are either resisting a primal urge or ignoring their primal instincts. More, “it’s not me, I’m wired that way, I couldn’t help it’

    My pathetic excuse for an ex used the ‘primal’ bit to make it clear to me that the decision he was taking (to leave his family) was in fact going against his primal urges. He referred to it as the lizard brain that wants to have security, family boring stuff right and cause he’s now so enlightened he’s going to stop listening to the lizard brain that is holding him back from his nasty life and work through that primal stuff to overrule that as use his super intelligent forebrain powers to power him into his new life which he so clearly deserves. So he resisted his primal urges in order that he could leave his family because ‘He’s not one to put his own needs before his responsibilties’.

    I hadn’t really realised until a few recent CL posts how much gaslighting and horrific abuse he’d managed to pile in to the really very few conversations we ever had about his leaving. I admire him because he did a real number on me. That said he’s had it planned long enough. Chilling.

    • Oh the LIZARD BRAIN!! The lizard brain! The lizard brain! I have heard that so much!

      My husband uses this but in a different way: his lizard brain is why he is abusive. His lizard brain is why he was seeking men for sex. His lizard brain always means fight or flight, so that is why he perceives me as a threat and an obstacle at the same time. His lizard brain sets him up to hurt people so that he will not be hurt by them. It is hard to be run by a lizard brain.

      He thanked me for understanding that none of it was malicious.

      He said, “what you have to understand about ME is …”

      He said, “I am sorry my dysfunctional childhood family hurt you.” (That dysfunction created Lizard Brain, like the uncontrollable alter ego. Think Incredible Hulk, but a lizard. In your brain.

      When I was frustrated about how he always says it is not his fault, and how it is because of his painful childhood, he said, “you are mocking me!” I said I was sorry, that I did not mean to mock him, and that yes, he had had a difficult childhood. And he hung his head and started sobbing, “yes, it was a very difficult childhood.”

      I finally decided that he wants me to prove my love by allowing his lizard brain to do whatever he wants, without any care for me, because: lizard is painful to him. So I am hurting him if I do not allow him to hurt me.

      If he cannot change or he will not change, it does not matter. I think he loves his lizard brain like Gollum loves “my Precious.”

  • WOW! CL hit for the cycle -again! ‘ #skidmarksorry? # washrinseremorse? # paleomindfuck? Pure gems! One thing CL could have done is the title – it could have been “Soup to Nuts “! Jeez Chef – get this sewer rat out of your life NOW – FOREVER! He’s definitely a delusional and diabolical! His gray matter has
    # skidmarks all over it! Please keep us updated on your future – to say you deserve better is a ginormous understatement! We’re here for you!

  • It’s funny when Borderlines reveal themselves to an empty auditorium.

    I’m sorry his kid made such a poor choice of parents, but at least you don’t have to deal with him for 18+ years.

    Loved the recipe by the way.

  • Oh man, this guy is the saddest sad sausage in all of the land–permanent victim–zero responsibility for his own actions. The good news is that it’s very easy to lose respect for this kind of guy when you realize he’s not a man but only a wooden puppet of a boy. Yuck. Ignore.

  • ChefChump, you are mighty. Thank your lucky stars you didn’t procreate with THAT.

    Go full No Contact with that moron. Go on with your bad self, you certainly deserved better than a lying sack of empty ravioli (lort that was brilliant).

    Also, my ex Asshat was fond of my delicious soups, and homemade breads and pies. He’s not had any in over a year now, because he also fucked his bestie’s wife less than a year after we were married, wrought havoc on two marriages as a result, and has now moved on to a young woman 30 years his junior. He’s had a vasectomy, so I really hope she either doesn’t want kids or wakes up to the fact that he’s a toxic slimeball before too long. Fingers crossed for her.

  • I’m torn between forwarding the letter to his best friend and his wife or saying nothing.

    I think the biggest bang for the buck is to send it to their wedding with a card attached to a beautifully wrapped quart of soup with a recipe.

    • For a little English on the backhand, include the recipe.

      Or just ignore the fuckwit forever and ever. R’amen.

    • Sorry, I thought I had canceled my idiotic reply before it went through. You already included the recipe with the soup!

      It’s been a Monday.

  • The recipe:

    Three healing tablespoons of nothing
    2 cups of pathetic.
    A dash of promises
    1/2 cup of just what you need
    8 cups of being just fine
    And the secret ingredient: 2 floating turds.

    Boil to a simmer and sprinkle with chopped OK

  • The recipe:

    Three healing tablespoons of nothing
    2 cups of pathetic.
    A dash of promises
    1/2 cup of just what you need
    8 cups of being just fine
    And the secret ingredient: 2 floating turds.

    Boil to a simmer and sprinkle with chopped OK

  • We chumps always want an explanation from the cheating ex after DD.
    What we really need is for them to go away.
    Notes, texts and email suck your blood.
    Gray rock, NC, block gets the room to stop spinning…

  • Do you suppose the Soup Nazi is for hire?

    Where was the Soup Nazi, that fateful night, armed with his ladle, knife, and meat-grinder? The Soup Nazi would have known what to do and the Soup Nazi would have cheerfully fed his stew to Hannibal Lector.
    A glass of Chianti would have been a nice finish to the evening and probably would have given Hannibal Lector a tear in his eye. All that Chianti, memories of Jodi Foster talking to him in a cage, and a perfectly cooked liver soup. Even Hannibal Lector can get sentimental sometimes.

  • You absolutely dodged a bullet with that terd!!! I absolutely loved this UBT! A pus-filled scab on Satan’s ass! CLASSIC!! CL you win the internet everyday!!! That’s freakin’ awesome! I’m over here Hollering!!! ????????????

  • ” I’m just a pocket of nothing waiting for someone to stick something in it. Always have been, probably always will be. I don’t know who I am in the way you know who you are”

    That is about the most honest thing he has ever said to you. AKA I AM A NARCISSIST.

    My X, when I had decided I had had enough of his cruelty and disdain and was getting ready to move on, somehow always used to sense this and would do a random act of kindness, like take me out to dinner. That would get my hopes up and off we would go again.

    But one of these evenings he stopped, looked at me and said:

    “I have this huge hole inside of me, and nothing I do (toys, new hobbies, new cars, new country, new properties, new pussy) can fill it up”

    I know it is the most honest thing he has ever said to me or anyone.

    Paradoxically, it helps me know that to the limit of his ability, he did love me as much as he is able. And it has helped me let go and be kind.

    • Patsy,

      A wise friend of mine shared this:

      “They did love you with all of their heart but their heart was very tiny.”

      I agree with your sentiment of kindness and I also am a staunch believer in no contact, if possible. I am learning to practice giving the kindness I gave to him to myself and finding it a very gratifying experience.

  • Hey Lady, I don’t recommend you replying to him, but he can star in any of those lost soul flicks.

    Do you notice his message stinks of jealousy?? He is jealous that you are not falling apart the way it is expected.

    He is not nothing. He is a piece of sponge, soaked in a gravy of himself- chewable but non-wholesome and useless.

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