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UBT: The OW Wants Me to Save My Marriage

The Universal Bullshit Translator is still recovering from its burger-flipping Ruby adventure, but it couldn’t resist this recent submission. (Okay, I had to scratch its quarter panels and sing the “UBT Is So Great” song…)

The Other Woman Whose Sole Objective Is Improving Your Marriage.

The submission from landingon2feet.

E-mail to my spouse on D-Day:

Dear (Cheater):
Without any hesitation, I know that I love you completely and wholly with all my heart. I know you love your wife!!! I hope she will give you a chance to prove that love. You have a lot at stake. Wow! I can’t overlook your relationship with your sons! There’s so much for you to think about! I’m so sorry… You should take your time with these decisions. I will support you and your decisions in every way I can. I will also pray for you, me and your family…

Other Woman sent this e-mail for him to forward to me on same day:

To landingon2feet:
I’m in no position to offer advice, but I hope you will give Cheater the opportunity to make things right with you. He loves you! He said you were distracted and busy. He was missing your attention. I made a terrible mistake when I pulled him into this mess. I think it was my fascination with how a man can step away from his wife and still want her as his wife. It’s what my husband did to me. XXX and my ex are completely different people. I can assure you, my husband never talked lovingly about me. Not to me or anyone else. I’m long gone from your lives and will keep it that way. Give him a chance to redeem his relationship with you. You know in your heart that he’s worth the effort! I’m truly sorry and will pray for forgiveness. I’ve fallen so far from grace. 🙁

Now the UBT’s turn…

Dear (Cheater):
Without any hesitation, I know that I love you completely and wholly with all my heart. I know you love your wife!!!

I’m ready for the Fuckwit Thunderdome. Let the Pick Me Dance games begin!

I hope she will give you a chance to prove that love.

I thrill to triangulation. I hope she will come into the arena. She is a chump and I am a gladiator. #provethatlove

You have a lot at stake.

It’s better when there’s a lot at stake. Can we gore her at the end? Take home an ear or something?

Wow! I can’t overlook your relationship with your sons!

Your wife is utterly invisible, but those kids! Wow!

There’s so much for you to think about! I’m so sorry… You should take your time with these decisions.

Take your time. Let the suspense build.

I will support you and your decisions in every way I can.

I support you from above. From behind. Doggy-style. In every way I can.

I will also pray for you, me and your family

Jesus can watch.

To landingon2feet:
I’m in no position to offer advice,

I’m currently bent over supporting your husband.

#somanypositions #tantricmindfuck

While I cannot offer you advice, I can find my unmitigated gall.

but I hope you will give Cheater the opportunity to make things right with you.

Stay in the game, chump. Watch me win.

He loves you!

In that he-fucks-me kind of way.

He said you were distracted and busy.

You made him cheat on you. I am never distracted or busy. I live on a throne of satin cushions in a palace where servants fetch me eunuchs.

He was missing your attention.

Frigid much?

I made a terrible mistake when I pulled him into this mess.

A terwibble terwibble mistake. (Wink.)

I think it was my fascination with how a man can step away from his wife and still want her as his wife.

I think it was my fascination with being a terrible person. Next I’ll separate mothers and children at borders, see how that goes. #sociopathexperiments

It’s what my husband did to me.

I’m just like you! Except this time I win.

XXX and my ex are completely different people. I can assure you, my husband never talked lovingly about me. Not to me or anyone else.

We’re on the Self-Pity Channel now if you hadn’t noticed. I’m fucking your husband, but poor me.  Did I mention me? #Me

I’m long gone from your lives and will keep it that way.

Long gone! As far as the roaming charges in my burner phone will carry me.

Give him a chance to redeem his relationship with you. You know in your heart that he’s worth the effort!

Take this opportunity of me fucking your husband as a chance to improve your marriage! He’s worth it! Don’t leave the arena — stay! We haven’t gored anyone yet. There’ll be lions!

I’m truly sorry and will pray for forgiveness. I’ve fallen so far from grace. 🙁

I end all my important missives with emojis.




Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “It’s what my husband did to me. And since I’m a vain, selfish, shallow fuckwit, I did unto others as was done to me”

    Self pity is the most hateful of the three buttons of a cheater.

  • Yea, Susan stopped fucking my husband long enough to come to his retirement ceremony and look at the scrapbooks I made of his life and career, point out that I must love him to make these books then resume fucking. Arent they just the nicest people? Pointing out our love and everything…golly.

        • OMG the SNARK AWARD

          Uh oh, oh No, it’s a TIE for — uh oh, wait…. It’s TEMPEST for 2!

          “If you had bedazzled” and “where is the glitter?”!!

          Shit, I wish I had logged on earlier.

            • Maybe she has a bedazzled vajajay too. Glitter farts and rainbow titties!

              She’s a nutterbutter no matter how you try and read it.

              I agree it’s a huge attempt at triangulation. More drama! Look at me! Me Me Me!!!

  • The last line of the email must have been deleted…..

    ……because if you don’t save your marriage, the thrill of fucking behind your back will be really, really over for us.

    • Except that pesky “relationship” with his kids will keep getting in the way of their happily ever after fantasy. Such a cunning attempt at her being all noble & shit but it’s ideas like that that family annihilators are made of. Prayers for the innocents ????

    • Yep. Exactly. Or if he divorces, who will be the hypotenuse if landingon2feet isn’t high on hopium and doing her best post-divorce pick-me dance?

      • I took myself out of the equation early on. The Dickhead always needs to someone to complain about and/or be the hypotenuse. Hard to talk about me when I’m nowhere in the picture. Damn that MissBailey for leaving the party early.

  • Oh why oh why can’t we just kill them all and move on? Life would be so much better without these individuals taking our oxygen.

  • Dear Wife

    I had it done to me , I didn’t like it so to make myself feel better i fucked your husband so now you know what it feels like as well . See I am so great everyone loves ME !!

    Please join me at 6 pm for drinks and nibbles at my pity party where we can talk about how easy your husband was to manipulate , how easy he was to fuck and how he really does love you and not ME !

    Your Husband is such a good guy he really felt terrible about fucking ME behind your back , but see ME i told him no you love your wife ( boo hoo ) and i let him go .

    See you at 6pm please bring your own drinks and nibbles
    Love Whore

  • Huh, funny that this should come up. My best friend’s ex is seeing a married woman and apparently he’s giving his lady friend counseling tips that he learned when he and my friend were together- so that lady friend can improve things wit her husband…its fucking weird.

    • Apparently Schmoopie gave ex the name of the marriage counselor she and her then husband had used. She sure wasn’t happy when we actually tried to reconcile, however. “My marriage is breaking up over our affair, but sure, go ahead and reconcile your marriage. Don’t worry about me, I’ll survive somehow, alone and penniless, sniff sniff”.

      • My ex never admitted to an affair. I never found actual proof of one. However, our marriage counselor was recommended to him by a woman at work. I remember questioning this a little bit back then… who recommended this? How do they know about our problems? Ex was so nasty to me at that time and I was just trying to avoid “nagging” and “criticism”. Marriage counseling’s was awful cause he couldn’t communicate what I was doing wrong other then not keeping a spotless house – and we were crammed living in my parents house even though he earned over 6 figures and I have a part time professional job because he was secretly withdrawing 700 a week. And he was really mad at how disorganized my parents house was yet they were not charging us. He would tell me how shocked people at work (what people I’m now wondering) were that I didn’t do his laundry and because I bought him car wash gift certificates for Father’s Day.

        God I hate him and can’t let go of the anger.

        And I hate that OW had the nerve to put a fucking emoji on a letter addressed to the persons life she is helping to destroy. That emoji just shows how callous she is.

        God, if I could go back in time I would have hired a private eye and saved myself tons of time. That’s what he stole from me. Time during my child bearing years. He gets to drive around now in a black Mercedes with red interior and is now dating a kindergarten teacher. Sees our son 4 days a month and acts like hes the best dad.

        His mom actually sent me pictures of my son playing with new girlfriends daughter on a vacation????!!!!

        • Wish the girlfriend a lot of luck.

          Because he sounds like a guy who wants to keep up an image.

          And if his mom sent you pictures, then you know it came from somewhere.

        • What a monster. Did you get the money back that he stole? I made my jerk pay back every penny he used for his affair.

          Nobody at work was shocked by any of that. Not even his ho was. It’s not the least bit shocking or even surprising. I doubt he even said it, as lame a complaint as it is. He’d just look like a whiny little bitch. He made that up to shame you. They lie all the time. Mine was telling his friends and his mistress that he wasn’t getting sex from me so as to justify his cheating. Total bullshit.

          • Nope. We kept separate bank accounts and credit cards. His logic was that it was his money to do what he wanted. I thought he was saving for a house because I was. This was going on a minimum of 3 years and most likely a drug habit. My lawyer bills were so high by the time I figured that out, I did not pursue. (I actually hate my lawyer more then my ex but that’s a different story)

        • J, Even though it may not feel like it now, it looks like you are MUCH better off. And you have good parents

        • I’d be blocking this whole nest of vipers on all social media and texting and putting his mother’s email address in the spam folder. Seriously. You need contact with her like you need Ebola.

          No contact other than the minimum to exchange custody 4 days a month. Don’t let him live rent-free in your head. The best revenge on these fuckers is to pay zero attention to them and their entourage of enablers.

      • I think Schmoopie put mine in touch with a therapist. Not counselling or boring shit like I had, therapy, where you look deep inside yourself. He has done the work he needs to on himself apparently. I wouldn’t say money well spent whoever the therapist was. Probably helped them both to validate it all though hey.

        • X’s OW sent him to her therapist as well, who was, ironically, a specialist in so-called sex addiction.

        • The funniest is when they use therapy as as a weapon or to manipulate. Crap like; “my therapist says you’re being too unforgiving”, “my therapist says we should give the marriage another try” bla bla bla. The therapist is likely saying nothing of the kind. The therapist likely knows he or she is dealing with a narc and is just bleeding the twit of money for the sessions while knowing no progress will ever be made. Cheating fuckwits in therapy are a joke. They should be laughed derisively at when they use it for their own selfish ends.

    • My BIL is fucked in the head and manipulative and none of us can stand him but… well, he’ll be my sister’s first husband. For now, we tolerate him. While I cut up veggies and minced garlic and made dressings in the kitchen on Memorial Day, he came in and started telling me things about his family and started fake crying. He said he was having a hard time handling the new baby and maybe this was all a mistake and his grandpa and parents and my parents and blahblahblah, he “really values my opinion.” I told him I was so sorry, that was happening – without so much as turning around and did he want me to get my sister from the patio. “No, no- I just needed to talk to someone…” and then he burst into sobs. ::rolling eyes, internally:: I wiped my hands, gave him a there-there hug, then slipped past him (leaning on my fridge, faking grief) to go outside… where I picked up my new nephew out of my sister’s arms (sleeping after being breastfed) and told her that her husband was sobbing in the kitchen and needed her.

      She came out 10 minutes later, rolling her eyes, and said that he was cut off from drinking for the rest of the day. BIL avoided me. That’s exactly what I wanted. He’s a pathological liar. And a narcissist. He takes it so personally when people see behind his mask. Later, he crushed a beer bottle under his boot, in the grass by the patio, and then said “Whoops.” I got him a flashlight and a vacuum to clean it up.

      My sister is starting to see him for who he is and, with a new baby, is much less tolerant of his BS. They have real, adult stuff to deal with now… him making up problems for attention is not appreciated. I’m not hateful toward him, just simple unwilling to swallow other people’s bullshit. My sister appreciates that… stopping it before it escalates. It’s reasonable and doesn’t force her to choose between us. It lets her know that WE know how he is… but aren’t going to put her weird husband on blast or alienate him, making her feel like she has to double down on defending him to keep her family intact.

      Before CL, I wouldn’t have known what to do or how to handle it. I would have believed him. I would have been sympathetic to that showman. I would have eventually burst out with saying how awful he is. Instead, I choose to be the sane one and encourage the family to do the same… let the freak fly his own flag. Learning how to not be a chump is so helpful for ALL relationships, not just marital ones. <3

      • My wife and I led DivorceCare groups for years before giving up in disallusion. We also led “Boundaries” groups as a follow up and to a wider group. DivorceCare was great for helping people know they are not alone, but “Boundaries” was much more useful in the long run. Not getting sucked into other people’s pointless drama is a life skill we should all master, like changing a tire on a car or filing taxes. Once you learn to practice this the world is different.

      • insistonhonesty,
        Wow, your name suits you to a “T”
        Everyone needs a sister like you.
        When/if your sister leaves this Narc.Stuck.On.Pity.Channel.Whatschamacallit. you will be there for her and her child, just like you have always been.
        As a Chump who confided in no one, I see you as a hero. A quiet, unsung hero.
        YOU are a rare gem!
        I hope things go well for your sister. She has her hands and heart full.

      • You have gotten to be both smart and wise. Your sister is lucky but for sure, your whole life will be better because you have great boundaries AND great compassion for those you love.

    • My pathological lying, serial cheating XH is the go-to guy for “counseling” at his job. He’s a financial guy, but the ladies all come to him for a listening ear and prayer. Yes, he has prayed with at least one woman. Well, he’s not a righteous man, so those prayers were not heard!

      After D-day, one of his closest female friends at work came to him for marriage advice. He told her “marriage counseling is a waste of time.” Well, it most certainly is when you are an adulterer! And guess what? She was committing adultery with a married man. They both cheated on their spouses and divorced them and are now married to each other. But they are good “Christians” now who go to church and take the kids to church. What a joke! And this woman is best friends with the whore my XH left me for. They can all go to church and tell each other how wonderful they are. Barf!

      • Beautiful, Insistonhonesty, beautiful. Thanks for the details to, and the explanation. My son-in-law thinks he’s sexy, and I find him self-centered and overbearing, but this, what you describe, this I can do, for my family.

        Plus, now that I can narcissists, they’re present: in family and in faith-community. My therapist told me that the disordered love the forgiving, gentle and supportive nature of the faithful. Kibbles for the disordered, and seen as suckers by the disordered. So I think this lesson of yours can be applied in the faith community, too.

      • Yep, same story here, X counseled and helped OW get out of her marriage to her supposedly cheating husband, then their “friendship” got way too close for my comfort, he abused and abandoned me for her and then he found God and they all go to church together. Sickening.

        • Nodancing and Martha,
          You just can’t make this shit up.
          There should be a special church for all these people,
          They could eat cake and drink kool aid, after the service.
          Just a thought!

        • Same here too. My exhole was just helping someone out at work who was unhappy in her marriage. He gave her all kinds of advice to improve their marriage…right up until he started fucking her in exotic locations around town. #MeijerParkingLot #ParkPlayground #SeedyHotels

          So, I divorced him and they could finally be a couple.

          Such a big heart, those two. They were perfect for each other…right up until she cheated on the exhole. #hahahaha #karma

      • I’m pretty certain that Jesus forgives even those who have destroyed our lives. Church isn’t for just the people who think they are better than those who haven’t sinned, but (gasp) also for those who have committed adultery and a billion other sins. He forgives those who trespass against us also.

  • Me and ex split up and not lived together for 6 years, ex moved to different area, ow still hangs around. Ex has had girlfriends and she still hangs around she always looks pissed off. Probably thinks she will see him, we have kids, she actually has kids, but ex said she didn’t want them. Its probably tragic in a way, but she made her choices.
    She got away with a lot, but I ignored her, she actually shouted that no one will help her, she’s always a victim, she’s probably on this website. My ex and her deserved each other.
    My ex gives the name fuckwit new meaning.

  • Since it happened to me, I was obligated by the universe to pay it forward! I seem to have early Alzheimers and forgot how devastated and heartbroken I was. So…I thought I’d share the joy. And BTW, my mom misses you. Remember when she invited you in to see her Christmas tree and called her MOM? Yeah – she didn’t seem to mind either that a married man was just using her as a fuck buddy. Family values. Yay!

    • Yes. Ex’s Schmoopie had also been a chump but didn’t divorce her cheater over it. Instead she cheated back. She must have felt it was just desserts for him, but she forgot about the innocents affected, one faithful wife and a total of eight children (including her 5).

      • She didn’t forget. She just didn’t care.

        What I find particularly gross is when two cheaters talk about their spouses and kids, and my sense is that they always do.

    • I know exactly these cheating spouses are “FILTH” my ex cheating filth Narc even abandoned his beloved dog it’s sickening!

  • “Fuckwit Thunderdome” Hahahaha That line is *almost* enough to make me want to overlook my extreme distaste for the bat shit crazy Jesus cheater Mel Gibson turned out to be in order to watch his old Mad Max movies.

      • I love Tina! But I’m not sure if I can break my NC with uber malignant narc Mel, even for Tina. 😀

      • Oh yeah he did. With the gold digger russian baby mama. Her other kid was aging out of child support so she needed a new source of income. And it blew up on him as spectacularly as you could wish, domestic violence charges, etc.

    • Yeah, he’s the poster child for what heavy drinking, chain smoking, too much sun and adultery can do to one’s looks. He was so gorgeous and now he looks like hell!

        • Right? That’s the best part about meh – you look at the dumpster fire they are and think “euwww” and go on about your day without giving them another thought.

          • Just like Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood. Rich cheaters who have stayed out of the limelight for quite sometime. But the world welcomes him back like he wasn’t a piece of shit liar. They are both lousy people who have edited and put a new spin on their narrative, to bypass the bad media they created.

        • My mother always said, “At fifteen you have the face God gave you–over fifty you have the face you deserve.” My first cheater’s whore proves that point magnificently. All those years of drinking, smoking, drugs, and sleeping around have turned her from tall, lean, and tan into haggard, emaciated, hollow-eyed, and sallow.

          • Yep, I always say people end up with the face they deserve. Cheater is my age but looks 10 years older thanks to his boozing and self-inflicted misery, and his ex schmoopie looks like a
            trailer trash dude. She’s nine years younger but doesn’t look it. Drunkeness ages a person fast. I’ve never had a drop of that vile stuff. It’s in the same catergory as arsenic and asbestos in terms of how carcinogenic it is. Why do people literally drink poison? I don’t get it. The jerk, his bitch and his bar buddies used to make fun of me because I don’t drink. How dull I am for being a non-drinker was a running joke, apparently. Oh, excuse me for being sane, freaks. Go drink poison until you puke and slowly but surely kill yourselves.

            • *casually slides wine glass behind box of tissues*

              You were saying?

              Oh, and what kind of morons makes fun of a built-in designated driver? SMH

  • Yup. Just another pick me dance. “I love him more because I am willing to pretend that I am giving him up”.

    “I’m long gone from your lives and will keep it that way.” Well, except for these letters. Besides these letters I will keep it that way for a week or two until I know his withdrawal symptoms are at their worst and your anger is starting to kick in and then I’ll be back in full force to comfort the poor sad sausage and remind him of what he will be missing if he sticks with you.

    My ex’s Schmoopie broke it off with him after he had already broken it off with her to try and “reconcile” our marriage. Two weeks later she was sending him a movie invite and showing up at his office because she just couldn’t stay away. That was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage to the dimwit who fell for it.

    • Ugh. This rings so true to me, too. They are seriously deranged and SOOO central. I half think that they really buy the shit that they peddle. When Ex came home from overseas, before I came out of denial about his strange behavior, I did find little “here and there” evidence. Little notes from her in his books, like “I love you. Please don’t forget me.” Wasn’t Whore such a saint for sending him back to his wife, and tearfully picking up the pieces of their star-crossed love affair?

      She was still in contact with him the entire time. Mr. “You don’t need an iPhone, Liz C., they are just a silly extravagance that only *I* need for hazy work/aviation purposes” was able to FaceTime Whore and message with her because iphone to iphone, even internationally, is free! Silly me never even thought about it.

      I hope his excessive flatulence makes her pass out on the daily.

    • Finally, a part of my story makes sense. Ex was acting bizarre and purposefully creating conflict for about 6 months and then suddenly stopped. During the two months of peace we bought new patio furniture, went out with other couples and a took the kids on a 10 day vacation that was fun, loving and even romantic. Then a month later, wham it’s over and he wants a divorce. Everyone was so surprised. My 8 year old kept saying “didn’t we just go on vacation together?”

      Now I realize OW must have broken up with him and restarted it per the playbook.

  • “Hello, my name is OW. From now on, everything that comes out of my mouth (or through my computer) will be a steady stream of bullshit.”

  • I loved it! What a fantastic example of how cheaters create an alternative reality and want us chumps to somehow join them and ‘be happy’! WTF? We never will – living in a world of lies and secrets is just not possible for us – and they’ll never understand why!
    Yesterday’s was fantastic too!

    • Exactly. “Reality” for them is nothing more than a mood state.

      This one decided it would be nice to enjoy for the moment the “reality” of herself as a self-aware and magnanimous person. And since the facts pretty glaringly stand in the way of this, we get this contorted perversion of what magnanimity means. Tomorrow her self-pleasing mood state requirements will call for some other “reality” and she’ll invent the contorted justification to support it. This is life for these creatures.

      • This^^ is brilliant!! Thankyou TKO. Their reality is a fluctuating mood state. Yup. And yet they take themselves so seriously and expect others to as well. Head in a blender is the perfect illustration

  • (music by Carly Simon, lyrics by the OW . . . and with sincerest apologies to Heinz Ketchup)

    @Landing, I feel the need to email you
    To remove any lingering doubt
    He loves you — you’re his first, his last, his everything
    He told me so as he ate me out

    Triangulation, triangulation
    It makes me feel great
    It’s how I do datin’ . . .

    And I tell you how easy it feels to fuck with you
    I care not if it makes you anxious or tense
    The world is my own personal petri dish
    You’re just another of my experiments

    Triangulation, triangulation
    It makes me feel great
    It’s how I do datin’ . . .

      • Actually, it’s turned into a fun morning exercise to get my creativity going.

        Tracy’s daily post usually appears in the middle of my commute while I’m on the train — that’s when I start scanning my mind for songs that fit. If, by the time I walk from the train station to my office, I have a decent parody more than halfway completed in my head, I’ll take my first few minutes to finish it off and post as a comment. If nothing strikes me, I don’t. Either way, I’m ready to start tackling work.

        It all depends on the “WTF-edness” of the subject. It just so happens that Tracy has provided fertile ground for parody lately.

  • Dear OW, I can’t recall which hole you are (so many side pieces, dontcha know?!) I will just refer to you as “z”. – anyway, Dear Z, I’m good thanks. He’s all yours. (Bwhahaha, really!!!) except for what he’s sharing with “A thru Y”)

    If I were a mad scientist (I’m not, so there’s that) I swear I’d commit my research to a MRSA that only infects cheaters.

  • Dear Chump,

    Now that I fucked your husband I’d like to leave you with this letter of recommendation for what a catch you have in this man.

    P.S. you should frame this above your marital bed…or at least scrapbook it!

  • Look at me, my boyfriend-who-is-someone-else’s-husband. I really am a nice person. I’m trying to make it so you and your wife get back together. She’s angry and bitter. I’m taking the high road. I am calm. I am giving. I am trying to work it out for you two. Therefore I really am the better person. In the end you should pick me. I am sane, your wife is not. As evidenced by my kind emails to her, which praise you and point out how sorry I am. Because, you know, I really am the obvious, much better choice.

      • How about the other woman who says the husband is a louse after years of affairs and that she’s going to break up with him… but a few weeks later he sneaks out to go on vacation with her!

  • ” He loves you….in that he fucks me kinda way” tru luv…

    My Ex told everyone he loved me, loved his family, all the while he pranced his whore infront of us all.

    The whore would text me…repeatedly on fake phone numbers…telling me she won.
    One time it was on New Years Eve…at midnight. She sent me a meme that said Dear Ex Wife, Divorce means it’s over for you, Love the Upgrade.
    I responded…
    Dear Upgrade…its New Years Eve and you are texting his WIFE (still). Let me guess…The ball dropped, everyone is kissing with confetti in their hair, Ryan Seacrest is saying Happy New Year and there across from you…is your man…sound asleep on the couch…snoring with his left hand down the waistband of his ratty gray sweatpants…. and you realize you got down on your knees and swallowed, at a bar for that… Sucks to be you. Happy New Year…Love the one with the Money.

    Wives….don’t ever believe the whore is an upgrade. They wish they were us. Which is why they are fucking our husbands and imploding our lives. Useless twatwaffles that have zero moral compass.

    Let him have her. Set yourself FREE.

  • ????Sorry,that one slipped out! Emojis add gravitas so there’s that. I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that he thought it was a good idea for you to get a letter from his lover. That makes so much sense. That’s like a letter from Santa Claus. It’s so real, and heartfelt! Who are these people?! Did he beg her to write it so Mommy would say “There, there, sweetie. You did a bad thing but I forgive you.” It’s the conversation these two had that ended in this idea that I can’t get.
    My hope is you crept, on little feet, out the door, and left him in the fog……with the letters.

  • So while I’m reading the comments what is the banner ad that pops up on the bottom of my screen? Ashley Madison. With the tagline “Find someone hot(ter).” Honest to God. Honest to Pete!

      • yes–because GNC and “discover the forest” and ULTA is at the bottom of my page because of my search algorithms. Check. Someone has been on Ashley Madison.

      • To be fair-I’ve never been on AM but still see AM banners and “Hot, Ready, Housewives” ads. I think it has more to do with the content of the blog. We’re reading up on cheater related stuff so the algorithm thinks that’s what we’re looking for. Skeevy as he

  • UBT is in top form!

    Who really gives a rats-ass about what the OW thinks (she’s all kinds of fucked-up). SHE IS A WASTE OF TIME.

    BUT WHAT AN A-HOLE THIS CHEATER IS, sharing these emails with @landingon2feet. Total mind-fuck and absolutely despicable.

    (((Hugs))) to you landing

    • The sharing of private emails was almost worse of a betrayal to me. My wife said that her lover told her “He must really love you by the way he talks about you.” He was referencing multiple page emails I had sent while trying to save my marriage and to make sense of why we were having such serious problems.

      I was shocked to my core that she would let anyone else read about our problems and my innermost private thoughts. Now I know the reason why I couldn’t figure out why we were having such serious problems. FUCK CHEATERS for being the slimy little soulless, parasitic amoebas they all are!!

      • You know, I realised that the stbx was reading my private emails to his excellent sister, who was helpung me through the discard. He quoted something she’d emailed to me a couple of days before, while he hadn’t communicated with her for months. When I questioned this he spackled like crazy and I just didn’t have the heart to pursue it.
        For the first time now I’m wondering if he shared those emails with the Dream Princess. He wanted to share some of her stuff with me, including her account of a hot date she had during that time including the sex. Ugh ugh ugh.

    • Yes yes yes. You need to create an account and log in to get to the forums, but what you will find there is an online community that will let you vent, cheer you on, make you laugh. The folks here are getting me through — and give me hope that I can and will get a life.

  • “I know being the other woman makes me look bad, so I am trying my damnedest to spin myself into a good person. Damn, I’m almost philanthropic. You should remember that I’m better than you though. You can learn so much from me, because I know so much more than you! You see you neglected your husband, so you kind of deserve this. Your neglect is not my fault. But don’t leave! I need to compare myself to you, so I can feel better about myself. Winning with you knowing about me and actively trying to compete, makes the win so much better! I can’t wait until he reaches out to me and tells me he needs me, so I can ‘resist.’”

    This made me irate and I just had to do my own translation. I wish Chumplady was around when I was leaving my husband. I would’ve been helluva lot more snarky. And she would’ve been extremely helpful when everyone was trying to get me to reconcile for the sake of our daughter and making me feel bad for refusing to do so. I’m now long on the other side of this. I’ve remarried and my new husband and I offer the stability (for that child everyone worried about) that her father doesn’t. I still love reading Chumplady she seems like the only person offering a rebuttal to the RIC.

    • I loved this! And I love CL for helping me keep my snark in the middle of this shitshow. FWits don’t like snark, facts or reality. Just today when I used all 3 my STBXH emailed back “why are you always so nasty to me, I just ask that you be nice to me and I’ll do the same”

      AKA “why won’t you just accept my version of reality and stop hanging onto the facts of what really happened, then I can keep pulling the strings like I used too! You know I will!”


  • OW never contacted me directly but X would say things like “She’s hoping we can rekindle our love” and “She’s praying for you” and “She’s a really good person” and “She wants us to get our spark back” I can only imagine what lies he told her, but he really scratched the bottom of the barrel with her — married 4 times, cheated on her husbands, had many boyfriends, but SHE is the authority on MY marriage of 28 years? I think that whole mindfuck of Dday and discard and him running away because as much as she prayed for US, she told him he needed to be divorced. And so he is. Don’t know what happened to her. She’s probably on to breaking up another marriage. It seems to be her sport of choice.

    • Diary of a Yummy Grandmummy, I am pretty sure our husbands screwed the same whore based on your description. The only difference is my marriage only lasted 24 years and she shamed him endlessly because even though she was also still married to her fourth husband, she was legally separated and my husband was outright cheating on his only marriage.
      This post, like most others, had me instantly laughing and then crying soon after. Therapeutic. Damn the cheaters!

    • She may be like the Jackass of my acquaintance, who much, much prefers breaking up marriages or making sure they stay broken up to actually loving and courting a woman.

  • Oh- the things they’ll say. The calm and supportive OW in my life had some great lines that I wrote down for my novel. In the wake of the discovery, I made the mistake of trying to reason with her. Tell her to give us space to save our marriage and to go try to save hers. She said, “Legally anyone is free to leave a marriage on their own and if for whatever reason, which there are many in various circumstances they’re unhappy, they should be free to leave it. I can’t promise you what you ask of me cause I’m going through the same pain as you. I will though leave him to make up his mind. That’s what he needs. I’ll support him whichever way because I do care.”
    “Legally anyone is free to leave a marriage on their own and if for whatever reason, which there are many in various circumstances they’re unhappy, they should be free to leave it.”
    Translation: Your marriage is merely an antiquated legal contract and our affair is legal. All things that are legal are ok to do. There are no morals in this world. It is even legal to separate mothers and children at borders if one is a US citizen and the other is not. (Thanks CL for that) I will hang on to this legal argument until it comes time to separate community property, at which point, I will find the laws to be unfair and accuse you of being greedy.
    “I can’t promise you what you ask of me cause I’m going through the same pain as you.”
    Translation: Are you fucking insane, you frigid excuse for a woman? I am not going to stop fucking your husband as long as he is taking me on trips to Paris and treating me to fancy meals. In fact, every time he has to deal with you and the kids, it is painful to me. And I understand you because I am also a wife and have a child.
    “I will though leave him to make up his mind. That’s what he needs. I’ll support him whichever way because I do care.”
    Translation: It’s really easy for me to be supportive because I knew about you the whole time we were fucking and traipsing around Europe together. You, on the other hand have these ridiculous ideas about monogamy. If you really cared about your husband, you would stop holding him to these absurd restrictions.

    I think there needs to be a follow up to “stupid shit cheaters say” that focuses on the stupid OW justifications. Sorry guy-chumps. I am sure the OMs can come up with some stupid shit but I think OWs are more prone to it.

  • I especially love humans with zero integrity “pray for you”. When people use religion in ANY response to their deplorable behavior it just makes me wonder what they learned in church.

    • That’s classic. That and “FuckwitThunderdome” need to become part of the Chump Lady lexicon.

      • Sorry, can’t use “thunderdome”, because I still love the movie, not going to ruin it 😉

        But it’s a classic, of course, I agree

    • This “Nope. Never.” was supposed to nest below chump in recovery’s query to me (as trying for mighty) about whether my ex had ever used my computer. (BTW, I have two names here, the original, “Trying for Mighty” and “Adelante,” because someone else signed on as Trying for Mighty so I said she could have the name because I’d taken than name when I was trying to work up the courage to move out and divorce him and I had, so I was fine with taking a different name. But when I sign in to the forums I still register as Trying for Mighty, so if I’m signed in and comment, it comes through as that name.)

  • Good lord, I wouldn’t even validate this fuckwit’s parking ticket let alone her pleas to take back the trash.

  • I think the focus still needs to be back on the cheater. Even if the OW or OM cast some sort of spell on the cheater, the cheater had the ability to say no. There is no such thing as a magic pussy.
    There is nothing for the other woman to say to make it right. Nothing, so they should just be quiet. Sorry does not cut it and forget the explanations and well wishes.
    BUT, on the other hand, why are you still giving the dickhead the time of day? He is your real problem. Why would he give you that letter? He is the one implementing the pick me dance and you are lock step with him. Obviously HE is still in communication with her. If he wanted to save his marriage he would be in individual counseling, trying to understand why he is such a loser and figuring out how he must step up and do whatever it takes to make it right. As Chump Lady says, look at his actions and not his words.
    Delete that shit and do not engage. No offense but he is an idiot.

    • OCWoman
      ” There is nothing for the other woman to say to make it right. Nothing…..”

      Or for the cheater to say to make it right. Nothing……

      Anything they say is a lie. It would only make things worse and hurt a Chump more.

      If they cared so little for us to cheat in the first place, how could there ever be words that they utter after, have any meaning to a Chump?
      Too little, too late, far too late!

  • The OW said to my X “What about Tilly? I know you really love her.” Tilly was my dog! Nothing about my shattered kids! Also said for him to not fall for the “R” word (reconciliation). Said hopefully (after a month!) I’d realized I had a much better life ahead. And “she (meaning me) left you.” Stupid X is a mess now, and she is still married and moved on.

  • I have received anything from the OWife, Mrs. Dumbass, because according to exh2/The Evil One, she wasn’t an OW. He met her “after” he left. He told his parents that he met her after our divorce was final.
    Hhhhmmmmm, I see. So, you meet and married a woman within 2 months?
    He fails to acknowledge to me nor tell his parents that he met her a few weeks before D-Day, used a different OW as cover, was talking to her, seeing her, dating her while living with me. During wreckconciliation. During our “dating to see if we’ll get back together.
    Only until Mrs. Dumb-ass found out the truth of his lies and deceit did he begin divorce proceedings.
    He was openly dating her but coming back around to me all those months of summer before he finally ponied up the money to pay his attorney.
    I never once consulted an attorney, nor did I contribute one dime to the divorce proceedings. I merely waited him out and told him if he wanted her so bad, he could pay for it.
    I did however refuse to sign unless the child support was where it should be by law, and that he would be on the hook for 50% of everything extra concerning our daughter- insurance copays, extracurricular activities, therapy sessions (she’s Autistic).
    He agreed to my terms after pitching a flying fit about the money, but I told him that he “couldn’t put a price on good p***y” (Mrs. Dumb-ass) and that the divorce is what *he* wants, not me.
    This was all four years ago.
    These days, they’re still married, and it’s been a struggle to co-parent with a fuckwit — the stories I could tell! I can’t wait for ChumpLady’s next book on this!!!
    I’ve never been given any damn apology nor admission of guilt, ever.
    Narcissists abusive nutjobs like TEO really do rewrite their own history.
    Landingon2feet, I hope you are mighty in the divorce proceedings!!!

  • Yeah, the triangulation mindfuck. I think a big chunk of it, as others have pointed out above, is that the illicit nature of the affair really makes it feels urgent and central to both cheating parties. And, of course, cheaters love all the cake and centrality. I guess actively soliciting the chump dials all of that up to 11.

    But this particular thing about the AP “wanting” the cheater to work on their marriage? In my case, it was pretty clearly a passive-aggressive ploy to get my Cheater to think harder about whether she wanted to stay with me at all. And also an effective way to get my Cheater to think better of her AP – since, of course, it doesn’t really feel all that good to hear someone nagging you to leave your loyal spouse. I have a text dump of communications between Cheater and AP, and it’s very clear that the more the AP encouraged Cheater to work on our marriage and spend time with me, the more Cheater felt “trust and respect/admiration/gratitude” toward AP. <>

    Here’s a specific exchange from the file, to add to the conversation here. It speaks for itself, I think – we don’t even need the UBT, which needs a lot of recovery time after today’s post!
    From AP to Cheater: “Please just for me be present with LezChump tonight it really breaks my heart sometimes that I’m stepping in but tonight be with her ok for me babe please. I’m getting emotional because I know how it feels to be her. But know I do love you but I want you to be with her ok❤”
    Cheater: “Thank you for this, love. I will try my best.”
    AP: “I know it will be hard but I am yours babe. I don’t want to share you. But I know I have to respect what you have babe. At least try…….please. I am your wild woman and I want you to have an amazing night with LezChump”
    Cheater: “You really are a wonderful person, honey.”

    By the way, Cheater then sent AP a photo of the two of us together at a concert, and AP totally lost her shit. (Again, Cheater *honestly believed* that AP wanted her to work things out with me. ) Things got so bad as a result of that misfire that Cheater broke down and ended up trickle-DDaying me for the rest of the following week. AND, as you can see from this little sample, AP had also been cheated on in a previous relationship. So much for respect for fellow chumps, and learning important life lessons!

    SO, the moral of the story, I believe, is that this was all just part of AP’s pick-me dance. The text dump is FULL of many passive-aggressive instances where AP would try to express a difficult emotion (“this is so hard for me!”) but then immediately roll it back (“but it’s ok!”). Only rarely did AP openly express her obvious desire that Cheater break up with me and choose her – the rest of the time, she hid behind false expressions of sympathy for me. And Cheater fell for them, hook, line, and sinker (as you can see).

    Now, I really feel for landingon2feet, because at least I didn’t have to hear that image-enhancing passive-aggressive pick-me BS from the AP herself. That’s an extra level of mindfuck, for sure. Any AP who would contact a betrayed spouse, except to say “So very sorry, I suck,” is really, really screwed in the head – and even then, you know, just…DON’T. An AP’s absolution is not a chump’s responsibility, even if that’s their only consideration (which was clearly NOT the case with the letter to landingon2feet!).

    • LC,

      What a fucking psycho this OW is! How very benevolent and generous of her to sacrifice her boyfriend for the night to his poor wife! Holy Shit! No fucking self-esteem. No fucking class. No fucking clue.

      So, she pities you, so that she doesn’t feel guilty for doing what she knows first hand is incredibly painful!

      I hope she burns in Hell.

      • LezChump is in a same-sex relationship. Both are females. No “boyfriend” is in the equation.

        Sorry LezChump that you had to read those text messages but at least you know what you’re dealing with- conniving, lying, selfish cheaters.

        • Thanks for setting the record “straight,” Renee. LOL
          I sometimes forget that I should clarify that I, Cheater, and AP are all women. Well, *some* of us might be stuck in adolescence, even decades after we should have grown up…

          I appreciate all the support! It was, indeed, like swimming in a pool of poison to read the text dump. But at least I finally got honest answers. :/

    • LezChump,

      It sounds like your X thought he’d negotiated an open affair with the OW. Because the OW was so sympathetic about your plight, surely it would be okay to continue to eat cake to spare your feelings, right?

      That is hilarious.

      • Survivor –
        Yes! The first thing my Cheater (happens to be a woman, we’re same-sex married) did after D-Day #2 with this most recent AP was to try to convince me to accept their relationship as a polyamorous thing. That didn’t fly with me at all: we know some poly queer couples, and I knew quite well that it’s not okay to try to negotiate opening a relationship after serious boundaries have already been crossed. Plus, I had already been through DDay #1, 14 years earlier. But you’re right, the entitlement was pretty astounding.

    • Cheaters and their AP’s are interchangeable. I’m so sorry you went through that mind flaying, LezChump.

  • After my STBXH left and I was in investigation mode, I called up one of the mothers from our kids’ school that my ex had befriended for about six months a few years ago. He was studying full time and had flexible days and she was a photographer with flexible days. I fully knew that sometimes they chatted on the school playground after the kids went into class and sometimes went for coffee, but I wanted to be the cool wife who was okay with friendships between men and women (you know because I’m such a controlling wife and all.).

    I knew her too. We got together for a BBQ with her and her husband and all our kids. I knew that they were having problems in their marriage (he had cheated on her) and he was sleeping at his parents two streets away while spending days in the house working things out with her and the kids. When we all got together, all they could talk about was how they met, and it was a great story that they seemed to love to tell. I remember going home and saying to my husband that I really hope they work things out because they clearly loved each other.

    Suddenly, the friendship ended. I noticed that she would ignore us on the playground at school when dropping off the kids. She seemed to be shunning everyone (not just us). I asked my husband what was up and he said he didn’t know, she just stopped talking. He said that he was feeling sad about losing a friend that he enjoyed talking to and alluded that he thought she was suffering from mental health. I even said that I was thinking of reaching out and giving her a call to go out and talk, if she wanted.

    Fast-forward a couple of years after my STBX walked out to be with the OW (not this one from school), and I start to piece together odd things he said. Even towards the end of the marriage, he admitted that she had made some moves on him and sent him a topless selfie. He admitted that it was her actions that prompted him to end the friendship and that her shunning everyone was her embarrassment at his rejection.

    So, I eventually called her. She seemed shocked, vehemently denying that she ever sent a selfie (who knows what the truth is with that). She explained that she was often shocked at how badly he spoke of me, how much complaining, that at one time she stopped him and pointed out how he was being a hypocrite. She said that he seemed to express all kinds of sympathy for the problems she was discussing with him about her own marriage, and yet the things he was complaining about me was an almost exact description of the grievances she was experiencing with her own husband. He was compassionate about her situation but failing to show any compassion for his own wife who was experiencing the same issues. She swore that she prompted him to smarten up and talk to me or reach out to me, and she said that he tried.

    I remember he tried once. I remember he said to me that she had told him he was being an idiot with me and that she helped give him a wake up call to contribute more in our marriage so that we could avoid the problems her own marriage was experiencing. I remember he tried once to suggest a date night and go out. And, then he just stopped. He stopped when I was so desperate to see my husband actually fight for me. Then, back to the same bullshit.

    This woman explained that it was him that put the moves on her, and she’s the one that flat-out rejected him. He had sent her a curious text about whether or not she had ever thought about what it would be like for them to get together. She replied that sure it had crossed her mind, but forget about it. Then, two minutes later, he showed up on her doorstep, declaring love and attempting to seduce her. She realized that it was a big NO, it freaked her out and she had her wake up call to work things out with her husband.

    I don’t believe that she was all innocent in all of that, but I do believe that it was my ex that put the moves on her rather that her on him. Too many clues in what he said lead me to believe her in that part of the story. It was my husband that went on to seek out other women, including the one he left me for who was around for about 19-20 months of my marriage before he left. I think this one replaced his failed attempt with the mom from the school. Meanwhile, the mom from the school, after shutting down my husband and going reclusive for a period of time, worked things out with her husband and they’ve been together ever since (about three years now).

    Had this been an affair in the making? A shunned wife who played with fire with my husband and he played with fire with her. She got the cold feet and did the right thing, but all along also played the role of supportive friend in trying to guide him back to his marriage.

    I went on to explain to her the hell that my marriage became in those last couple of year, the unbelievable lies and pick-me dance. How he was still living a double-life with the OW, declaring love to her when I knew that he already had had at least one one-night stand. She was shocked at “what he had become”.

    Bet you she’s glad she dodged that bullet…”but he always seemed so nice…” (Don’t they always?)

    • I’ll never know now as he deleted all their FB messages minutes after agreeing I could see them (after literally hours of my not backing down from asking to read them), but I have a feeling this was close to stbx and Dream Princess’s relationship. He said she respected our marriage, but also that she thought I was some sort of ogre. The last thing she ever wrote to me was ‘If I’d really known you, none of this would have happened.” If she had to stick her oar in, shame she never tried to get both sides of the story.

      • Mmmmm so basically it’s ok to use someone else’s spouse just as long as you take care not to get to know them in reality?

        Fantasy worlds are great.

  • OW DEFINTELY wants to play it out in the thunderdome. The UBT is spot on.

    In my case, OW expressed oh sooooo much support for my relationship with serial cheater. I think for the same reason. After years of their affair, I finally had enough and dumped serial cheater. I wanted to giftwrap serial cheater for OW because I was SO done with that bullshit. Anyways, OW completely lost interest and moves on as soon as I was out of the “game.”

    Bunch of sick fuckers. They love the pick me thunderdome.

  • The AP co-worker my husband tried to impregnate at her request, once the affair was ‘over,’ told me that I should fight for my husband. What? Does she have dueling pistols? These OWs can be impressively condescending and cavalier.
    I was no longer interested in fighting for my husband’s love after D-Day #1.

  • I experienced the same thing with the two so called Christian cheaters. He told me he would hear her praying for our marriage at church. I remember thinking why would she do that? Now I realize he was rewriting our marital history and was such a sad sausage.

    Our divorce was final May 28th this year. They applied for marriage license two days ago and will marry Saturday.

    Saturday, my best friend and I will be at our favorite place celebrating that the temple prostitute took the cheating, lying, happy endings drunk out of my life!

    This is her fourth marriage and the third one where she married a few days after the guys divorce. She hates her mother and supposedly loved her dad so I say she has daddy issues and loves talking “daddy from mommy”.

    So thankful she “won” her sparkling turd ????

  • I knew a woman who was bragging about how thrilling it was to have sex with a married man. The thrill was related to the deception. My cheater would drop names at odd times. Obviously she got off on the deception. Without the chump, they are just two soul less slugs humping. No thrills!

  • Just when I think I’m the only one…. OW had so many good ideas to “help” our marriage. All things I’d already been begging for for years, but coming from her, they were suddenly great ideas. It made me feel crazy.

  • I am in sales, and one of the greatest closes that is age old is called “The Take Away”.
    This is where you take away the paper you were encouraging them to sign and say “you know what? this isn’t for you, you can’t afford it.” (Or some other excuse. When you take it away, then they want it). So the OW/OM acting like they could or would walk away is indeed a sales tactic. Reverse psychology.

  • You 100% sure “she” wrote those? Sounds mostly-serving to him. If you already knew about the affair, and that happened, then this may be some ploy to get you to stay via appeal to authority (such as it is). She KNOWS a bad marriage, for sure, and he’s SO worth it. And Wow! Those kids!

    I dunno. Narrowing down the most likely person to try to run this con, it’s him.

  • This is all impression management.

    – She’s not a participant in this affair. She’s a fascinated observer watching a man engage in an affair.

    – She’s not a homewrecker. How could she be when she’s so concerned about the wife and kids? And did she not also say she would leave the family alone?

    – She’s not a loser. She’s a counselor who enlightened the husband and hopefully, the wife will also accept her precious wisdom.

    Rest assured, she’s not actually convinced by her lies. If she was, she wouldn’t need you to be convinced, too.

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