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Unspouse Your House?

HGTV has a new show out “Unspouse Your House” — remodeling post-breakup as therapy.

I’m totally onboard with this concept. Producers, call us. Chump Nation could give a master class.

Raise your hand if you bought new bed linens after D-Day? Extra credit if you burned the bed.

What you think about what you deserve in your home has a lot to do with what you think your own value is.” — Orlando Soria.

Amen, Orlando!

Your Fun Friday Challenge is to tell CN what you changed in your home after leaving a cheater and how it made you feel.

What did you get rid of (besides a crap partner)?

Did you find any creative way to donate things?

Any mad goals about what to tackle next?


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
    • UXWorld, I see a marketing opportunity for a whole new line of paint colors! Oh! the paint-names possibilities!

          • Ooh, I’ll bite.

            Gaslighting Green (a pukey shade of chartreuse)
            Blameshifting Blue (fluorescent and highly distracting)
            Sad Sausage Scarlet
            Fuckwit Flax (initially looks tasteful but is inherently boring once in your home)
            Sparkly Sepia–brown with flecks of glitter (think sparkly turd)

            • Projection Purple (changes colour depending on what you’re thinking)

              Philanderer Pink (to match with Sad Sausage Scarlet)

              No Contact Noir (a darker shade of Grey Rock)

              Compartmentalised Crimson (comes out in square blocks of completely different double lives oops I mean colours)

              But fuckwit flax is still my favourite. You can get it with sparkles too but they fade out within 3 months.

        • Esther Pearl (FW 7009)

          “A complex, disorienting shade inspired by the hazy afternoons of Antwerp, Esther Pearl creates a space where you’re constantly held in contempt, and where awareness of what we want to build for ourselves can be achieved only through deep understanding of the insolent and the perpetually libidinous.”

        • How about, cover, I love Fred the recruiter on the wall of the stall in the women’s rest room at the Duncan donuts in some nameless town in PA. where they filmed the movie “The Mothman with Holly Hunter and Richard Geer, green, which I will cover in I love Richard Geer sticky notes, unless the rimor’s true that he was caught with a hamster up his ass. In that case, never mind.

        • I sold “our” home and was able to buy another NEW house! The new place has no reminder of stbx!! New beginnings and MEH!

          • Way to go Buckeye! Here’s to MEH! and new beginnings! You inspired me to think back to my old life.

            I let Spawn of Phlegm keep the “soiled” marital bed, and all of the house hold furnishings, but spontaneously I took the good blender with me ????

            I bought my own new bed, a new mattress and lovely (high thread count) comfy sheets.

            I sold all of the jewelry he gave me as it all had lost its value…literally…it was all worth less than he spouted (my friend is a jeweler…lol)

            I saved for my own set of pots and pans, living room furniture, vacuum, my own power tools basically everything!

            It has been 9 years now since I moved out of my marriage. I now have my own sweet little home that needs bits of TLC work, but it’s all mine.

            I am so grateful for how my life’s direction “careened”. Through it I have learned to love myself, trust myself and be content with myself and my not so perfect but perfectly fine, life.

            He married his co-worker as soon as we divorced. I recently saw them – I felt nothing but gratitude that he was no longer a part of my life.

            I felt sorrow for her as she is under the impression he cares-I could see all the red flags that have always been there-I just couldn’t see them back then. Just like she can’t see them now – underneath the chameleon personality, he hasn’t changed at all and that’s bad but I have changed and grown so far past this and that’s great!

            • Overcome…story sounds so similar…married the coworker shortly after the divorce. Before all the drama I had planned on updating my bathroom. Well, that was finally done prior to the divorce (but he had already moved out). After the divorce remodeled second bath. At some point I would like to redo my kitchen and possible relocate later

              • BetterDays, I hear you! Little by little, update this, update that ????

                The kitchen remodel lost out to a trip to Portugal next summer… priorities!????

            • My X is going to Marry Miss Piggy next week. He kept our very expensive bedroom wedding set. It’s theirs now. Ick!

              Just goes to show that not only are they unoriginal, they don’t have emotional attachment to people or things that a chump does.

              How can he swap out one woman/wife for another in the bed our children were conceived in?

              More colours for the Martha Stuart Cheater’s Home Collection:

              Puppy Dink Pink. Think wall to wall shag carpet with black accent pieces.
              Toss in mirrors and a heart shaped bed.

              Puce…as in I drank so much I puked and pissed at the same time.

              Taughty Titties Teal. As in the 1980’s colour of bride’s maid dresses. Suitable for all surfaces with accent colours in Cock-gobbler Gold and Yeasty Yellow.

    • Haha, you have just chosen the color for my bathrooms, that is amazing!! (I already repainted my bedroom)

      • I have a 1970s split level with honey oak floors so gray was only an option if I redid all the wood. So I went with Elmira White, a gorgeous tone that looks warm or cool depending on accents. And I painted the entire house, all 3 floors in the same color, just different finishes depending on location. As finances allow, I’ve been buying all neutral furniture in different configurations like two smaller sofas instead of a large sofa and two chairs in my living room. The look is so different from the bold colors (walls and furniture) that ex chose. The best part is that I no longer picture him in MY house. It’s seamless and serene and like he’s never even lived there. I know Ex hates it. He told my daughter so.

        • I painted my kitchen Worldly Gray. It’s wonderful : ) I painted the cabinets and trim White Dove…I have fallen in love with White Dove! It’s the perfect white.

        • I did just the opposite: painted bold colors everywhere after years of boring neutrals. My bedroom is purple, and my ex would hate it. That just makes me love it all the more

          • Me too. The idiot insisted everything should be off white or beige and complained about the small amount of colour I was “permitted”. Every room has colour now.

    • i painted my bedroom gray too- and now thanks to you i’m going to use it as a way to remind me to keep grey rocking the pos!!! LOVE IT!

    • I also painted my bedroom Sherwin Williams’ “Perfect Greyige” with a dark brown accent wall. Sold the bedroom furniture on Craigslist, and bought all new at IKEA. That’s where you shop for furniture when you’re paying legal bills. New mattress and bedclothes. Felt so good not to have that crap in my house.

      Since then my fiancé and I have remodeled with eye toward selling once my kids are in college. Always feels good to change something about this house. I hope the show is a success and doesn’t ever showcase a cheater house.

    • hahahahaarhh choke!!!! So funny!

      I thought about Mighty Blue, but thought Serene Green would be a more positive color.

    • Awesome topic today
      I sold all the furniture and left him sleeping on the floor until house was sold.

    • Nice color UX, going to pick up a sample this afternoon. I’ve been looking at paint colors. Wait a minute, I don’t need a sample, I need a gallon, a brush, and work on gaining my life.

    • Those are all genius.

      But of course the only colour chumps would paint any unspoused (deloused) room would be Mighty Freedom, which is whatever the fuck colour YOU WANT!!!!

    • Sold the night stands. He kept stuff from the OW in his. Since then, I’ve also replaced three couches, got new carpet, got a new rug, etc. Mostly at garage sales, but whatever.

      Am thinking of smashing wedding china next.

      • If you’re artistic, and creative, you can use broken China to make a beautiful mosaic… wall art, table top? A great symbolic reminder that there’s art after a broken heart.

  • My ex sat on his a** in our sunroom daily. After he left I actually paid money for someone to remove the too big for the room couch. I ripped up the carpet, took down the vertical blinds and stripped the wallpaper myself. Then I saved for months fir a new vinyl wood floor, chairs, a desk and plant holders. I still have to paint but it’s currently my favorite room in the house completely cleansed of him.

    Also I saged the sh*t out of the house! And put crystals above the door that block negative energy from entering. Not sure if it works, but I’m covering all my bases.

    • I used sage as well. I still do a house blessing every winter solstice (which in Year One, happened right after D-Day).

      • Sage: At the end of the summer gardening season one year, I cut some sage and hung it up to dry inside the house. On March 21 of the next year, I (somewhat crazed from being virtually housebound for those hard winter months) lit the branches of sage and ran through my house. I say “ran” because I hadn’t made a bundle of the branches, so flaming leaves fell off everywhere. My therapist laughed wildly when I shared this story with her and told me that it’s safer and more customary to use a bundle. My house smelled great, and I felt as if it had been purged of all that bad mojo.

    • I burned sage a lot the first couple years too, and lit white candles frequently. Sometimes, I would burn black candles — both are for dispelling negative energy.

      • In addition to the sage (the first year I did monthly) and crystals, I put black salt outside my home. It’s all Charmed up in here 🙂

        • i also used black salt on all my doorways, the 2 gates in the back and the sidewalk in the front. i used what was left over in the actual street where wasband would park his vehicle… .. since i put that down he never came over again in 3 years until just recently and he was extremely uncomfortable the whole time he was here.. ..

          i said a charm/prayer with it but i wish i could remember what it was. because it worked so well. ..

  • I got rid of any wedding gifts/ photos on display, then I looked around and realized that it was all my things/selections in the house. He was never really here all along.

    • Same here!

      While we shopped for everything together and he always told me to buy what I liked, I found out after DDay that his “real” taste was completely different. I’ve moved several times and kept true to my own style…clearly it was my style all along.

      I found needy families to give away pieces I couldn’t keep (too big). Made me so happy to see how grateful the recipients were to receive the pieces!

      I kept a few things he gave me that I loved. Why get rid of something that gave me joy to look at?

      The funniest piece I kept is a beautiful hand-crafted, colorful Day of the Dead piece of art. He didn’t speak Spanish but knew I would like it when he gave it to me years before DDay.

      He had no idea it said “Skeletons in my closet”.
      Cracks me up whenever I look at it!

    • Paula,

      Same here and he even told me that our home never felt like home to him. You gotta live in a house to make it a home stupid!

      I think I scared any bad behavior out of my children because I started emptying the basement of stuff the moment he removed his last load of what was his.

      I made endless trips up and down the stairs filling the empty space in our two car garage with things to donate. A wonderful friend came and loaded up her car with stuff I had and then I took loads every time I know I would be passing an ARC store.

      It was a very healing process for me and helped put all that negative energy to good use.

      As far as I am concerned – it is my house now and all that remains reminds me of my children – all of whom did spend countless hours here growing up making it their home.

      Don’t have the $$$ to make any changes although I was very tempted by the wide array of paint colors mentioned at the beginning of this ‘list’.

      Thanks to all who contributed. You all really made me laugh.
      Something I didn’t use to do but find myself doing more of as time rolls past Dday, months of pick-me-dancing and finalized divorce.

  • I donated my wedding dress that I had previously heirloom preserved to a thrift store, as well as my preserved wedding bouquet and dried flowers that had been put behind glass by a florist and were always on display at my home. I switched from a king sized bed to a double. I ripped up a 16x 20 wedding portrait but kept the frame for something better inside. I broke the minnie and mickey bride and groom cake topper in half, threw away the groom and saved the bride but recently I threw her away, too. I donated all my wedding crystal and sold my formal china. The wedding stuff had to go because I didn’t need anything around remind me of broken vows. I have been tossing out furniture and all kinds of excess, partly to open up the possibility of mobility as I consider selling the house but also just to work on a less cluttered environment since my mind is still very cluttered inside. The environmental changes represent the changes I am working on in my own thinking.

    • My wedding dress is going to a group of ladies that make burial gowns for stillborn babies next time I go to the UK.

      • We have that here in Australia, called Angel Gowns. My BFF and fellow chump donated her wedding dress and the 4 outfits that came from it were truly beautiful.

      • I tried to donate to Angel Gowns but every group I found was not taking anymore dresses due to having a surplus. I love the idea of donating for that purpose. The thrift store I gave my dress to supports people recovering from chemical dependency, which was a fitting match for the demise of my marriage.

      • As someone who has had a stillbirth, I was sitting in the hospital holding his body and crying, and the nurse gave me a beautiful box with a handmade gown and booties that someone like you had made and donated. It was so meaningful to me, to give this baby that final gesture. I was grief stricken and sick and had no money or ability to give him that, so it meant a lot to me. I was able to do that for him before the hospital took him to be cremated.

        • I am so very sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your beautiful baby boy. Please know that you are in my thoughts and giant hugs everyday to you for that horrible experience you went through.❤️❤️❤️❤️

        • what a terrible tragedy you have endured. It sounds like the outfits that get made add a tiny glimmer of something not-horrific to the worst day of a person’s life, sincere condolences on the loss of your son.

  • “Unspouse Your House” cuts both ways, because I was the one who moved out.

    So I unspoused myself, and got a new place to live, one that has no associations with him at all. It’s a rental, but I have made it my own, and yes, one of the most satisfying things I did was to find new bed linens. At a local thrift store I found sheets that someone had apparently had packed away for twenty years, because they were displayed for sale with the creases in them showing they’d been pulled from the package to hang for sale; they are the exact same pattern as sheets I’d had way back when, and that I absolutely loved. They are patterned to look like Monet’s “Water Lillies,” and putting them on the bed and sleeping in them made me feel as hopeful and optimistic as I had when I first slept in them so many years ago.

    My ex? He’s living in the house he never paid any attention to in any way, leaving all the upkeep, monitoring for repairs, all agitating for and then arranging for remodeling and repairs, all gardening, all yardwork except mowing–everything (including often paying out of my own money)!–to me. He thought he’d feel so free of me, so happy to make the house his, but a year and a half after I moved out, seven months out from the divorce, he’s now decided to sell it because “it’s too much work and too expensive.”

    • I moved out of house the horder had crammed with all his layers of crap. I lost “my” house, but gained MY rental. Its clean, neat, spacious. I can open all the doors fully and walk down the hallway without having to slide sideways. I can throw something away without having to defend my decision and watch it get pulled back out of the garbage and stashed into the horde. I can choose what I do or don’t want on the walls, how the furniture is arranged, and whether I can eat that last piece of whatever. I can have something actually fixed -correctly, without duct tape or haphazardly placed screws.

      The woman who he had lined up to be the next wife appliance fled the scene barely 6 months after she moved in and nary a replacement to be conned to take over 4 years later. Gee can’t understand why. Poor schlub.

  • I went with The Great Purge.

    I was abandoned on April 6th. On April 23rd an auction house came and picked up every single thing in the house of any size at all, 30 years of accumulation. Every single stick of furniture, tools, recreation equipment, excess dishes except for a few basics, just everything. I kept a single chair that I considered ‘mine’ that he never used. I decided if I couldn’t lift it, I wasn’t bringing it with me to my new life.

    Small stuff the auction house would not take was donated, including my wedding dress. I kept most of my clothes but a lot of those went too. I kept my daughters’ keepsakes and those small precious things. Everything else was gone. I made dozens of trips to the dump in my SUV lined with a tarp. Several in-home pick ups from charitable organizations, box after box after bag of stuff just handed over.

    It was really the best thing for me. It was a huge amount of work to sort out each item and enormous heartbreak going through the things we shared as a family (like camping gear) and the memories they brought. It had to be done. The exhausting efforts to purge everything as well as fix up that huge house all by myself kept me from suicide. I ran myself ragged. Of course the X Asshat could not be bothered with doing any of that work, of course. And when he showed up 2 months after his discard for a final walk through, he cried. Not sure why, don’t fucking care.

    I moved into an apartment for 6 months while the house was being sold and divorced finalized and then bought my own adorable home. It is full of MY things. MY choices. MY comforts. Fuckwits are not permitted here. He would not like this house which makes it even more perfect.

    I also sold my car about the same time and bought one that I had never cried in.

    Highly recommended. It is just stuff.

    • I wish I could afford to sell the car he picked for me when we separated( he was a car dealer and I paid for it). But the need to not have car payments outweighs my desire to change it.

  • The first thing I did was buy new linens. New sheets, pillows, blankets, towels. All in the colors/ patterns I like. Then repainted and new curtains. I have slowly made my way through the entire house. There is very little here that HE picked out. In fact, during his final walk-through. He told my attorney that the house looked really nice. Due to finances, the furniture is slowly being replaced. But just repainting one room can make such a difference. I started with the master bedroom. He was so controlling and had to have his way about everything. No more..this house is finally MINE.

    • This is what I am trying to do, and every small thing I do makes me feel a little bit more like I’m reclaiming my identity.
      I replaced all the pictures with him in and gave him a bag full of them and our wedding albums.
      Recently got a carpet in the lounge, which he’d hate and now looking at redecorating the kitchen in a bright colour.
      I like the thought of him peering in and feeling like he never existed in the house.

  • One of my close friends has gotten rid of everything over time. She has sold and donated stuff. Her house is just about empty. All of the furniture, anything they received as wedding presents, what they bought together, pictures but they had no kids. She has said it is helping her in healing and starting a new life. Not everyone can afford to do this or has the time to do this! No one should feel bad because you kept things. It is a personal choice.

    • Yes. Not everyone has the means to replace everything or even the inclination.

      At the time, I was able to replace linens and towels, I got rid of bedframe and couch. I’ve removed anything material that had a strong memory attached.

      The easiest first thing to do though, I put all the photos, memorabilia, love notes, wedding paraphernalia etc into a bag and boxed it up in the garage to deal with at a later stage.

  • I burned the handmade and embroidered quilt my mother made us as a wedding gift. It was all in colors he chose, his name was first on the embroidery ( FW & SSSF, date 1997). I realized I could never rest or relax or feel okay sleeping under that.

    And yes, I know my mother made it. not only is she a narcissist, but her marriage advice to me was “Always cherish FW. Make him feel like the most important person in your life.”

    I know how sick that sounds now, but at 21, it seemed both reasonable and possible.

    • I wish you would have donated that quilt to an animal shelter or rescue. They desperately need stuff like that.
      Chumps please think about what you can donate. Some of these places need it badly and it is a way to help.
      For animals rescue we need blankets, beddings, towels, bowls. Please check with Foster and adoptive care who sometimes needs furniture and beds. Thanks.

      • Nope. If she needed to burn it, then burning it was the right thing to do. Don’t make someone feel guilty for doing what they needed to do to get through this.

      • Have donated much—including the wedding dress and veil—but sometimes burning, no matter how wasteful it might seem to others, is exactly the move we need to make.

        More on that below.

      • She needed to burn that. As for donations, I’m sure she could find other blankets and towels to fill the bill and donate.

      • Please, the last thing a chump needs is more guilt. She had to burn the thing. I know I burned some stuff the mil made for us. It was impulsive, I must admit, but liberating. I was not thinking about anyone’s well being but my own at the time, and I’ve worked and still volunteer at my local animal shelter. I also donated a lot of stuff. It’s a balance. Chumps are naturally generous anyways.

        • I took a hammer to several Xmas ornaments. Boy did I feel mighty! And no guilt whatsoever. I took 4 cards loads of stuff to the donation center.

          • Geode thanks for mentioning this. It reminds me I need to sanitize the Christmas ornament selection before actual decorating day this December for my sake and the kiddos.

      • Gentle, my in-laws were unexpectedly and exceptionally cruel to me.

        I still feel a sort of panic when I remember the day I went to pick up my things at the family co-shared weekend house (I was married and part of the family for 38 year!) and my BIL started yelling that I had never done anything for the family, never paid any bills, never helped anyone. Freud would have a field day because the truth is exactly the opposite.

        Well after that outburst they left and spent the weekend alone there and waited for Monday. I called the municipal social services and a truck came and took everything that I had ever put into to the collective house: microwave, washing machine, plates, pans, linens, cushions, pillows, mattresses…. I heard that they and fuckwit were furious! But I made a lot of poor people happy.

  • Haha! I’ve been following Orlando for years on Instagram and Facebook before that. I knew he would do great things. Not only is he creative and talented, he is so kind and empathetic. He grew up as the son of the park dentist at Yosemite!!! How cool is that? Anyway, I remember his latest break up and how distraught he was about the fact that they had just redone this fabulous condo in Hollywood. He put all of his best talents and skills together to let his light shine. One day, recently, I was perusing Instagram and my friend’s daughter’s feed popped up. There she was in a studio with Orlando. I was gobsmacked! I quickly messaged her to see that gives. She works for a PR firm in Seattle and they were representing someone who was working with him. Ha! Seven degrees of separation. Anyway, his career has taken off and it just goes to show you that if you focus on your own good life and get you mind off of the fuckwit of your old dreams, wonderful things can happen.

  • He took the bed and the TV. I got everything else. Most of it was in bad shape, and I’ve worked over the past several years replacing it a little bit at a time. I’ve donated what was useful, and some I’ve kept because I bought it for myself anyway. It was a nice thing to realize that I was the one who made it a home. He took what was important to him and I got what was important to me, my kids. I just got to order my new living room furniture, and I’m done replacing!!!
    It’s been wonderful to make this place MY home.

  • i moved into my new place, and i have pretty much replaced anything that came from our old home together- it is 99% my stuff only! It was a huge part of moving forward! i want nothing that came from him- the few pieces that i still have i plan on replacing in the next 2 years. I want no trace of him!

  • OH! Besides the house switch outs, I’m seriously considering selling a ring he bought me as a ‘Please forgive me, but I’m going to do it again.’ present.

  • Jackass never actually lived here. That was just something I kept in mind when I furnished the house–that he might someday live here. So I tried to make it less girly and “personal.” But D-Day changed all that. I put up what I loved. New art work. A cabbage rose duvet cover for summer. I made a gallery wall of my own photos. I bought a new table to put in front of the big corner window, so the cats can look outside. I’m still changing things–about to buy a new sofa better suited to how I live. New pillows for the wicker porch set, new window coverings in the bathroom. What I learned is that my house is MY HOUSE. And now I don’t have to please anyone else when I decorate it.

    • Lillian, I should have read this before I almost torched my house with the flaming sage! Thanks for the link.

    • thank you for the link 🙂
      even though my cheater never lived with me, I am going to do this to my new flat when i move in in a few months to clear the bad juju from the bed, my mind and so on.

  • I painted the main part of the house a lovely peaceful green. The ex refused to let me repaint for years…said paint irritated his sinuses. Two weeks after I got him out, I put up textured wallpaper and painted. Much nicer than the previous dreary light grey.

    Next I painted the bedroom that he had taken over. I swear, there were yellow stains on the ceiling…not sure what that was, or how he got that up there. I painted all 4 walls, the ceiling, all of the trim, and cleaned the hardwood floor. Took three months to finish the bedroom since i had to clear the rest of his garbage out there before I could even paint.

    I am still working on other rooms, but my house is so much brighter and cleaner without him here. And the mystery smell is gone…..partially because he is out, and because of the amount of bleach and other cleaners I have had to use to remove his remaining “funk”.

    • I must have been subconsciously regaining my power before we split. I was never “allowed” to paint the house (inside and out) anything other than white. A year before the final day, I painted the exterior of the home a dark grey/green color while he was working. The neighbors loved it! After he left I got a new bed, donated all the furniture he chose and now I’m working room by room to change our home for the kids and I to the exact opposite of what the controller wanted.

  • I threw his pillows in the garbage cans the very next day and they were in the city landfill three days later. This was my first act in disposing him from my life. That memory just makes me smile. (He loooved his pillows!) One year later, he asked our daughter (adult) if she could get them for him. Nutcases…the whole lot of them!

    • Say whaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttt?!?!!
      OMG, he actually asked for his pillows back?!?! ???????????????? Like you were snuggling with them every night?!? Not.
      One thing exh2/The Evil One made sure to take when he left was all of his bedding and clothes. He left behind a few, but I burned them.

    • Yes! There was this awful squishy pillow he liked to sleep with but didn’t take for some reason. I threw it at the end of the bed on a bench for a while and finally threw away and it felt great! Also I reclaimed the side of the bed I gave up when we got together.

  • I did exactly this – every thing and i do mean everything beds / sofas/ carpets/rugs / bedding/ towels / plates/ pans/ spoons everything he ever touched is out ( stored in shed and friends garage )

    I decorated from top to bottom new flooring everything .

    I binned all my underwear and nightwear – bought everything new and he will never see me in it .
    If he used it or touched it , its binned just like him !

    • When I split from XH the substance abuser, I gave him the contents of the house, other than those items I brought to the marriage or that had sentimental meaning for me. I bought everything new and I’ve never regretted it.

  • The ex and I built a house together. When he left me he told me that the house was all I would get I the divorce, because he had planned to leave me before we even started the build. It was a long planned discard and the house was supposed to be my consolation prize.

    The place drove me nuts because everything about it reminded me of his unkindness and spite. Not a room in the house had been finished (to lazy to care) and what decor was up was my attempt to make him happy.

    I sued his sorry ass (thanks to the help of one of the mistresses), sold the house a month after he signed owership over to me and bought a new place that suited me. The owner was moving overseas and had decent taste and he left lots of things in my new place and I built on that. So really everything except for family heirlooms, kids pictures, and beloved books is new (to me)!

    • Mine had long planned a discard and consolation prize house…the one he chose was a horrible idea. 2 days after looking at the house, Dday struck. I stayed in the old house until 18 months later and he bought a wreckonsillyation house “I bought this for you” he said to me…then he rode my ass every day from the moment we moved in until he died that he wanted to move and I was forcing him to live there. He referred to the house and town as “A Hell Hole of Horror”. One day I told him “The ‘Hell Hole of Horror’ is between your ears”.

      The HHoH house is actually nice although it dropped in value in the 2008 crash and has never regained the loss. I stay here pretty much because I want to. I think there would be benefits of moving on, but I love the yard and a few corners of the house.

    • Uni I get it. I went to the extreme of immediately moving to another state and renting a small place to figure things out (newly retired so I could go anywhere). I realized everything in our home was his idea from art to the entire build out of the place. I had bought one painting that I had shipped to me and walked out on anything and everything he had touched or made the decision to purchase. Come to find out my one painting I kept is turning out to be the most valuable of anything we had. I started off all new. Bought a home of my choosing and it came fully furnished with beautiful furnishings that I love. Best thing I ever did was walk away from anything that he had anything to do with. 45 years together but now that it has been 2.5 years post D day I am living my best life ever!!

  • My BFF and fellow chump advised me to get new linens and move the bedroom & living room furniture around so that the space would look and feel different. After 19 years of marriage, it was 100% wonderful to not have to negotiate with the Rev Cheaterpants about making changes to the house. It was very liberating and empowering and a first step to realizing that the rest of my life could go in completely new directions from what I thought it was going to be.

  • First, new bed linens, and new decor throughout the house. Painted my ENTIRE house interior walls a new color, painted my front door PINK! Next thing to do is put his god awful recliner out by the road for the trash to pick up. May even burn it!

  • On the other side of the divorce happily on the way to meh. I moved twice, stored two huge storage rooms after clearing up 30 years of cheater hoarding. Over 200 hours of labor cleaning and organizing, donating and dumping. Thought I would miss items, I imagine a side reaction to loosing your marriage, but I simply do not.

  • I gave him our bed because ewwww. I bought new furniture in a lovely shade of aqua and I have filled my home with the vintage finds that I love (and he loathed). I removed all Legos (he was a fan and he and Ho-worker build sets together all the time).
    I hung curtains in my bedroom that have pompoms. They are cute and fun and they make me smile.
    I have started painting again (because of meh) and I will fill my home with artwork of my own creation.

    • I discovered my crafty and artistic side after he left.
      I make wreaths and started going to a paint studio for wine and paint nights.
      No my house is full of creative things that I’ve done.

  • He took pretty much all the furniture except my writing desk. All the cards, presents, pictures of us went into a box and given to him. He texted me, “Wow, I guess your pretty much done with everything about me, huh?” No shit, Sherlock. That’s what a divorce means. Hope he enjoys living with the leftovers of the life we built. Me, I wanted nothing of that life, because I got the only part that mattered. My kids.

  • I threw out bedroom furniture/new dining room/new linens for bed/painted whole house/renovated my kitchen/$1400 to 1 800 got junk just emptying out garage/got rid of his shit even if it was in good shape.
    I can now breathhhhhhheeeeeeee in MY HOUSE!

  • I moved out and I’m getting rid of everything I had in my former marriage. One thing I’d like to point out is to donate it to a charity. They will come over and pick up couches,etc. and you get a nice tax write off. Who knows someone could get your stuff that really needed it and be thankful.

  • Rented a dumpster and purged SO much. Tossed every photo. Bought all new linens, towels, and pots and pans. Yeah, I spent too much, but it is worth it knowing my coffee cups never touched his mouth, his sweaty a$$ was never on my couch (hand me down from my son!) and that he’s never been in my peaceful new apartment.

    • Bleached every wall and doorframe to get his fingerprints gone. His smudgy prints were everywhere and I hated evidence he had been there.

      The rest was at the time constrained by cash but now replacing the bathroom and kitchen this summer. 🙂 Happy Happy.

      • Oh, man, you brought back a memory. Ex used to somehow grease up and dirty the handrail on the stairs. I was forever having to wash it to keep it clean, and wondering wtf he did with his hands to get it that dirty. I was over there recently (for the last time, hooray!) and saw that it’s a muddy looking grey (it’s painted white); in a year and a half he’s not washed it once, apparently. One more thing I don’t miss!

  • For being together 19 years, we had bought very little furniture. We always had hand-me-down kitchen table and chairs from his mother. He only wanted to spend money on his stuff – never stuff for the house.

    I took the family room furniture, kitchen set and that’s it. My bookshelf, bed, bedroom suite and another dresser came from my family, and I had them all before we were married.

    There’s nothing that reminds me of him.

  • I moved out of the trash hole he put the kids and I into… he refused to spend anything extra on his family but the bare minimum, ( he made 80,000+ a year) so we had a house that was supposed to be condemned before he moved us in there.. so his side pieces could have nice lingerie and steak dinners… I moved the kids and I into a house that didn’t have rats, the floors didn’t have holes and the windows kept the weather outside, nothing of his or of our wedding came with us, I finally got a king bed that I wanted for 20 years, all my furniture, and decorations I scoured for at thrift stores and yard sales and bought with glee that he couldn’t yell at me for wasting his money making my house a home. That asshole has never set foot in my home and never will he.

    • Just about everything in my house came from CraigsList! The only new things now are linens and groceries!!

  • I am in the middle of KonMari-ing my house.

    On 06/17/2019, everything DumbAss left behind became legally mine.

    My local charity shop just got a nice donation of a gaming computer.

    It is a blessing to pick up miscellaneous garbage and saying, “NO, this DOES NOT spark joy” and sending it away.

  • Threw out wedding album, any pictures of just he & I ( saved ones with our son in them) bought new linens, any tools he used, recycled. Sold my engagement ring to pay for new flooring. Hoping to someday get to meh after 34 years of a marriage to a cheating narcissist . ????

  • My new used home is free from trophies animal heads to dust and recover from when they fall on you and take a chunk out of your arm (elk) The new bed stead and mattress is gone, all the bedding, and most all else . My home has been painted with peaceful tranquil colors , no dark panaling. I will have photos of the kids , but without him, those occassions when he was there but distant due to being on the cell phone with a fuck buddy. My yard will have rolled sod, something he never wanted me to have, and the yard will be small enough to easily maintain with a select berm of plants I thoughfully planted. I am rebuilding not only my invironment but all in my life. Removed from cheaterpants!

    • The Dickhead is a hunter and, for many years, shared the living room with all his mounts, mainly deer. After the divorce, I vowed that I will never eat another piece of deer as long as I live.

  • I L-O-V-E my new house.

    By coincidence its in the neighborhood of my parents, so when I see my father walking their dog, I get a rush of joy. Its just out of downtown, but because of parkland, deer often come up the street and there’s an eagle’s nest on my block!

    I made the fence, I’m planting flowers. I’ll be doing a deck and retaining wall. Its all mine to play with.

    • “ It’s so fine and yet so terrible to stand in front of a blank canvas.” – Paul Cezanne

      It’ll be worth the effort.

  • Oh this is a fun one! I bought him out of the house( funny how banks don’t want to lend money to a deadbeat loser). Sold it 3 months later for $250k more than he was paid out on( thanks to a crazy blip in the market). Bought the house I wanted and renovated it completely. I got rid of the bedroom furniture( rancid cheater stuff) bought new furniture and linens the evil pos never touched.. priceless!!! Money is very tight but it’s all mine!!

  • In this big 6 bedroom house, there are only 5 pieces of furniture left from the former life. One of them is the sofa that geriatric dog sleeps on which will be purged (along with its wingchair mate) when sweet geriatric dog goes to Heaven.

    The day I learned of the serial cheating, I took down the family portrait in the front hall and stomped down to the basement screaming “fuck”s all along the way.

    Cheater chose and made the decision to buy this house. It was a bad idea for a few reasons but his life insurance paid it off and the market for upscale houses is still really deflated in this area…if I sold this beautiful home on fabulous lot and moved into a smaller house, I would pay like $50-$80K less but have 1/8 of the land and 1/2 the house. Newhusband also had a butt-ton of personal belongings as he was single a long time before we married. So here we stay.

    So we have had fun redoing the house…not systematically, but rather randomly as we found fabulous antiques here and there. This house is my investment but OUR HOME.

    • I had my masterbath ripped out (down to the studs) and redone before I remarried and after they did all the demo, I had the construction guys put my mattress on top of the whole mess as it rolled to the dump. Cheater had bought that weeks before our wedding…the only mattress we ever had. Watching it roll away on the trash was surreal.

      When I redid the bath, I doubled the sq footage by absorbing a weird, useless space next to it creating a big, wonderful palace if a bathroom. New husband had a lovely antique European armoire his XW had left behind. She made terrible life decisions, but has great taste in furniture. It looks fabulous in my bathroom.

  • OMGosh – this is great…. I just told my “coach” that I have “de-Johned” the house and am down to one fucking box…. and that one is in the shed. it’s taken 4 years. But I feel so MUCH lighter and it’s MY house now!

    1st thing was the master bedroom, move the furniture around I wanted to keep, ripped the erotic wall hangings of us (which were everywhere), painted the room a beautiful light yellow with white trim and started hanging up farmhouses and my beloved black and white pictures of horses. I love coming home now… it has been a struggle, but I can I am at the gate of the mighty land of meh, and I didn’t think I would get here. The journey was a long fucking walk with my heart bleeding most of the way.

    Chump nation has been here the entire time with uplifting, funny and serious stories, because most of the shit has happened to me. Tracy calls it with the bullshit translator and THAT my friends has been the best therapy there is. Sometimes it smacked me upside the head and said “what are you thinking”, oh that’s right you have been conditioned…. Not any more!

    Thank you Mrs. Tracy. You are a life saver.

  • My ex-husband was abusive in addition to being a cheater. I left with what I could carry. I didn’t even own a car any more, so I rented one and drove a thousand miles to start over in an entirely new city. (Did I mention that I’m 63?) All that I have (except some nice jewelry) are things I have chosen for myself. Last night, while cleaning out my tote bag in preparation for starting a new job, I found a stash of birthday and anniversary cards from him. They went straight into the trash . . . anything that was written in them was a lie anyway. After just one month of No Contact, I am able, finally, to do that. When I have a few paychecks under my belt, I will have the rings made over into something I choose. Then he will be completely gone. Well, except that he chose the dog’s name.

    • Did you take the dog with you then? I have a wonderful mental image of you and the dog in your get-away car. You are badass.

  • After DDay, every friend, colleague, or a family member who entered the halfway finished project house I lived in for years while he “earned money to fix up the place,” was given a sharpie and told to write whatever positive affirmation they wanted on the walls. I needed their words of support, even in their absence.

    Firefucker came into the house while I wasn’t at home and decided to write his own in my, for the first time in eons, positive space.

    “You are loved.”

    I was crushed; it was as if he poisoned the one thing pushing me to keep going in a house of bad memories and ghosts of his lies. My mom came over the next day, looked at it, scoffed, without a word went to my sharpie can and wrote under it,


    Not only did it make me feel better, but it pissed him something fierce, as he half assed tried to scribble it out with a fine tipped pen, then gave up a third of the way in. A fitting metaphor of how he can’t finish anything he starts, and he can’t hid the truth. Hope he enjoyed Killzing all that once I had my cash and was out of that dump.

    • “Hope he enjoyed Killzing all that once I had my cash and was out of that dump.”

      Bwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaa! You are mighty, RaesOfChumpshine!

      I highly recommend leaving the “marital home”. Many women cling to it because it’s where they brought home their babies and raised their children. It’s also where D-day happened. It’s also where bad memories and lies happened. Onward and Upward for all of us chumps.

    • I love this!!!
      Your mom is awesome!!!
      LOL @ ex trying to erase positives. What a buffoon ????????

  • I took the kids and moved to a different house. As far as I was concerned, I was escaping the scene of the crime. And I’m pretty sure he never brought the OW to the house until after we separated. In this case the “crime” was all of the verbal and emotional abuse of me and the kids.

    I threw away all of my sexy lingerie. I got new bedroom furniture. In fact, I eventually got almost all new furniture. I had a pair of champagne glasses that were engraved with our names and the date of the wedding and ceremonially broke them after the divorce was final. I still have the dining room table and the piano from the marriage, and that’s just about it. In 2 months it will have been 10 years since I told him to leave. I think it’s time to get rid of that table. I’ll probably keep the piano. It was mine, not his.

    • Oh yah, all that black scratchy lingerie, my Pick Me Dance uniform from OW#1, went straight into the trash. First thing gone.

  • he had been sleeping in a different room for quite some time and it was a pigsty with 2 liter vodka bottles for decoration. A realtor said the room smelled “funky and indeed it did.. The day he moved out which was the day after I bought him out for cash, quit claimed, in this empty room, I scrubbed every square inch of that room, ceiling, waalls, windows, blinds, removed vent covers and draped long wet soapy sheets down the vents, swishing it around, the closet, the doors every single surface, corner, removed the light covers and vacuumed placing in new foam filters. The funker along with his smell, gone. Then many other changes.

    • What is it with cheaters and stinking rooms up? Mine’s room reeked. Maybe it’s the evil seeping from their pores.

  • I got rid of absolutely everything. Had a huge yard sale, sold everything the children and I weren’t taking with us. I cut up my bed and put it in the dumpster all the while he drove by my yard sale numerous times and would comments about “ he couldn’t believe I was getting rid of “ our” things. I offered for him to take what he wanted but his response was @ his gf wouldn’t want it or he would take it”. I packed my car up rented some pods packed them and moved 800 miles away.

  • I generously offered the marital bed to Asshat once he had movers lined up. He thought he was getting one up one me. Nope. I bought a new bed, linens and comforter with marital money (why the f not??!!) I have a beautiful bed that is all mine.

    I also painted ALL of my rooms different shades of gray. For real. My teen thought it was a nod to 50 Shades of Gray which Asshat had a rage text about that. But, I love @Uxworld’s take on Gray Rock. Every room will now remind me how wonderful life is without an Asshat and Gray Rock for the win!!

  • I was feeling bitter when he left that I was left to take down all the pictures and mementos of our marriage, but my best friend told me I was going to love the process and boy was she right! Talk about Unspouse your House! I removed or replaced all the photos with him in them. He noticed immediately and made mention that I “removed” him from the house so quickly. Damn right sucker! When he moved I had given him one day to get all his stuff out-he texted me late in the day to say it was hard to pack up 13 years of stuff in one day. Oh cry me a river baby! I scoured through the house the next day and gathered up everything he forgot and put it in a garbage bag to give to him. He obsessed over a set of copper pots and pans on a hanging rack in the kitchen. He wanted them and I told him he could have half the set. He came by to pick up some stuff and asked again if he could grab them and I said “Take whatever shit you want-just leave me my kids.” He left without them because I think he was embarrassed to have the kids see him walk out the door with our pots & pans. Idiot.

  • He left in February the day I got to 10 weeks into my pregnancy to be with his hoeworker. He sent this in a text message while I was at work, he works nights so he wasn’t there when I got home. First thing I did was pack up his clothes in garbage bags and took them down to the run down POS car he had me driving, drove to the shop he works at and threw the keys to the POS car at him so I could take the new car I had just bought (and was financed all in just my name, everything was because I was the breadwinner in our relationship). I flipped off the hoeworker, took my new car to the hardware store and changed the locks to my home.
    Then I gave his pillows and his favorite blankets to the cat for her bed, she hated it so I donated them.
    I just moved into my gorgeous new apartment. I got new linens for the bed. I’m working on new bathroom decor while I get the baby’s room ready for her. I left all of his crap inboxes at the old place. I waddled in to his work, flipped off the hoeworker again and threw the key to the apartment at him told him he has until the end of the month to get his crap or it will all get tossed out by maintenance.
    I’m having fun setting things up my way. Most of what is left is either my family heirlooms or things I purchased for the home that made me happy. I dont need him or his dead weight. I have my daughter to look forward to.

      • Thank you so much! I cant wait to meet her and show her what life is really all about. There’s a lot of incredibly strong, beautiful women in my family and in my life, she will get to know what real love and life is all about. Fuckwit’s family has all disowned him for his disgusting actions and lies, so she still gets to have them around too. It’s going to be a real rising from the ashes.

        • God, you’re incredible. Good luck with your birth and your gorgeous baby. As someone who was raised by a collection of fierce women- let me tell you she’s going to be just fine. It was that collection of fierce women that gave me the strength to end things immediately on D-Day. I was taught I was worth more.

          • You are worth more. We all are worth more. I was raised with core values. Honor, integrity, dedication, respect, but mostly with love. I refuse to live a life and show my daughter anything less because she deserves better than anything he could ever offer her. We all deserve that better life. But not the fuckwit’s, they can rot.

      • Thank you! I wouldn’t be in this mental space if it wasn’t for this blog. This place has reminded me of who I am and what I can do.

    • You are a true inspiration. And a badass woman. Good luck with your new little one. She sure is lucky.

  • I first repainted my bedroom even before he left the house because at that time he was refusing to. I bought new sheets, new pillows for the bed, and hung some art above the bed that he previously refused to have in the bedroom.
    I’ve cleaned and smudged the house like crazy. This past weekend I painted my deck because it was in much need of some TLC. I’ve learned to mow the lawn and do all the yard work, and created 5 new garden beds this year. The house looks a million times better now without him in it for so many reasons. Up next I’m going to repaint 2 bathrooms!

  • I had many of these wooden figurines, all of which the cheating ex gave me as gifts.

    In a definitively narcissistic move, he gave me two of them twice (both of couples embracing), because he did not remember having given them already, even though they were displayed throughout the house.

    They burned interestingly, and I have series of artsy photos of them licked by flames and turning to ash.

    Like every gift he ever gave me, they were given with little thought, and while he was sleeping with assorted subordinates.

    Burning them was a cleansing ritual.

    It’s summer solstice now, so a good time for feeding things to a bonfire for anyone so inclined. ????

  • I saw this program and thought it was brilliant. A friend of mine recently decided to move on because she found her husband’s secret cell phone, and she owns her home. It took a minute, but she did kick cheating as out. Initially, she was pretty bummed out, but once she got over the sadness, she did repaint her living room pink, which she had been wanting to do for years, and got the linen and wall art to match. I was really proud of her!

  • Fuckup never lived here, but was future-faking about moving in while I was renovating and decorating. He was here once when it was finished, but only for a few weeks during fake reconciliation. That said, the vast majority of the stuff here is mine and my taste, although some of it was informed by what I thought he might like–as long as I liked it too. (He would rarely offer an opinion ahead of time–his specialty was complaining or criticizing after the fact.)

    The only thing that really sticks in my craw is the refrigerator. Fuckup was a lot taller than I am, and always complained about fridges with the freezer on top and the crispers being too low. (“I get a backache just looking for fruit!”) So the new fridge I bought has the freezer on the bottom, which annoys me because of this connection. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to change it out for a while. But apart from that, I love my house!

  • I bought a new bed and also ordered a sage smudge kit from Amazon to get rid of the cheater juju.

  • I am still removing his DNA but I sold a drum that man-child had in our room. Man-child, also got stuck in the 80’s & spent a lot of money buying DVDs and had a rack full of movies (more than 200 no joke) from Back to the future” to “El
    Padrino”. I sold the drums for $300 & some movies the other ones went to salvation army. I used that money for a road trip with Dd to Miami & she still remembers. Our first solo road trip! Next step the living room!

  • I changed my bed linens, added a bench at the foot of my bed (which I ALWAYS wanted), put up curtains (measured/drilled myself) had my carpet removed throughout my house and added tile/wood, and my next step is to redo the fireplace. It has made me really happy and accomplished to do these things and also show my two girls Mommy Can Do It!! ❤️

  • Most of you Chumpvets know my story but I’ll repeat for the newbies who feel overwhelmed and paralyzed.

    What did I change? Almost everything. Part of the discard five years ago this very month was walking back every lazy and passive ‘Yes love whatever you want love.’ And crying bitterly about filthy Walmart bachelor items that had been phased out when we combined households. THISFUCKER never shed a single tear over losing his beautiful stepdaughter, but was SO HURT that I had donated his filthy cheap microwave two years before. For a red microwave. Didn’t I know he hated red kitchens??? No, you twat I didn’t. Just like I didn’t know your secret work wife Sluterus was already pregnant.

    Every single character trait he had ever bragged or said he admired about me was now a repugnant flaw. That leak and soggy spot I repaired in the bathroom floor while simultaneously making chili in a crockpot, while he stabbed his chubby digits texting Schmoopie on a couch I bought with a merit bonus at work? Instead of being multitalented and independent and never needy, now I was bossy and too masculine and intimidating and emasculating.

    I hope he’s very happy with the lazy, underearning, creditor dunning Sluterus. And paying child support till he’s 66. Toodles!

    As soon as several men from my past heard I was no longer coupled, they descended with advice. And subtle invitations to their pants. Declined those, kept this: ‘A six foot tall 315 lb. man is telling your five feet and 169 lbs to take up even less space? Tell him to go to hell. Be MORE YOU NOT LESS. If he wants less he found it. Let him seek his own level.’

    So my fellow chumps I did. Everything has not been rosy. He had a new child born. My son died. The world is not fucking fair that evil people should be awarded with increase of family to love while I, who never worked harder in a relationship or was never more committed or loving or even deferential to a mediocre gatdam man, have now a family of just two. But I still have so much.

    The red microwave stayed. And has been faithful and reliable and a little snazzy like my spouse never was. Good job, red microwave. And a 44 year old Hobbit and a nine year old girl have grown an entire life around it.

    We started with entire new beds and gutted pretty much the entire place to the walls and joists one room at a time. Fuck ya, people who think it’s unwomanly to use power tools! We used no debt to do this. A few hundred dollars at a time I collected a farmhouse sink here, cabinets and carpet from Habitat for Humanity there. I might be the only Executive (another promotion thanks, too-ambitious-for-a-woman) at work who packs their lunch. But I explain to anyone who asks that’s 200 dollars a month for lumber or a kitchen faucet or my daughter’s braces.

    We built a new deck. This year we added a pergola. My daughter’s a teenager now. She and her many sleepover guests get more use out of the remodeled master bedroom than I would. I took the two small bedrooms and made one an office. It’s a lovely setup. No towels or linens in this place have touched Cold Slab’s Ass. The ugly shit brown Walmart Plates and flatware he left behind have been replaced with Fire King Peach Lustre and Fiestaware. The entire kitchen is white, black and red. The microwave has an entire posse of red Kitchen-Aid friends!

    I remember reading some comments awhile back on here about how chumps were looking forward to the time when science says every cell on our bodies have been regenerated and we can say the Cheaters literally never touched us. I love that! I’m almost there.

    Aside from the basic indignation of what two evil people got away with, I’m at Meh. But I still get satisfaction when so much as a kitchen tong gets replaced. Oh, I’m keeping the tire compressor and battery charger the A-Hole left behind in my trunk in his hurry to shack up, and I giggle every winter I use them with my unwomanly mittens.

    But even the effing silverware tray he bought (again, Walmart) that doesn’t work because it’s made of metal mesh and knives slide out the side irks me. If the new, quality version is too expensive, I watch at Goodwill for the used version. And Voila! On my pergola project staycation I found an entire set of fancy modular bamboo drawer organizers for 12 dollars.

    I took them home and arranged them in my beautifully painted Merrilat cabinets and still got the greatest satisfaction trashing perhaps the last thing he touched in my kitchen. You could say my walls sing again. Don’t Come Around Here No More by Tom Petty, probably!

    • Nice. It started with a red microwave and it grew from there. If that is finally what got him out the door then it is an appliance to be prized.

    • He was such a spendthrift that even though we made damn good money between us we were always broke (toys for the boys of course). After he left I took out a 17 year mortgage to buy him out but in the meantime I threw everything I had at that mortgage and lived small. I took my breakfast and lunch to work pretty much every day and the savings were HUGE. The Twat used to spend about $500/month on lunches at work that he used to then come home and complain about. I remember making a salad one time for lunch the next day and he asked if I could make him one. He was standing right there but expected me to do it for him. Told him to fuck off! Anyway, all that to say I paid off my 17 year mortgage in 7 years while dickhead has the same size mortgage back in the States which will NEVER be paid off. Paying the mortgage off allowed me to retire earlier than I expected in January of this year. It is so satisfying it’s unbelievable, but he will just say I’m “lucky”. Yeah, lucky to be divorced!

    • I saw this post for today’s challenge and immediately thought of you and this story!!!
      You. Are. A. Mother-f*cking. Bad-Ass.!!!!
      I love and admire you so much!!! ♥️????

  • Of course, one of the first things I replaced were the bed linens but it wasn’t until just this past month (I’ve been divorced over 4 years now) that I made the most liberating change. I have recently been back in therapy. I think I have finally reached the end of my grieving process as I have been working out the last few things that have been “hanging on”.

    When I got divorced it was really important for me to keep my home and somehow I was able to make it work financially. Since my divorce it seems that everything around the house has broken. Every year another astronomical expense. This spring I was hit with two major expenses and felt like I was at my wits end. Everyone around me kept saying that maybe it was time to sell the house and move on with my life.

    In my mind, I didn’t think I needed to sell my home to move on. One of my life-long accomplishments was buying my home. I love my house and the community where I live. Anyway, I was trying to listen to those around me because I was afraid that my thinking was still in a fog and I trust my friends and family to give me good advice. I started preparing the house for sale. And then…I started having open conversations with the people around me about why they thought it would be so important to sell in order for me to move on. As it turns out, there were a variety of reasons why people thought I should sell. One reason was so THEY could move on. My staying in the house made them feel like I was holding on to the memories and that made them feel uncomfortable. My mother-in-law was ready to interact differently with my ex and his soon to be wife and my reluctance to sell my home made her feel guilty for wanting to put the whole event behind her. She was ready to start interacting with her soon-to-be daughter-in-law in a new way. I realized that those feelings were on her and not me.

    In the meantime, I had sold a bunch of furniture, took stuff to the dump and cleaned out my house to get it ready to put on the market. What I realized is that when I got that stuff out of my house I felt a weight lifted. By getting rid of things my husband had picked out or things I was no longer using, it felt like I was making the house MY home. So a lot of the rooms feel empty but that’s okay. I am beginning to imagine what I want and how I want to fill it. My ex would restrict my decorating choices; he would say – no floral prints and no pink. Well, no more of that. I am taking great joy in decorating the way I want and sometimes that includes florals and pink. 🙂

  • Omg!! What didn’t I do??? Best thing……. a new king sized bed just for me with DIAMOND SPARKLES in the headboard!!!! I can now be as girly as I want!!! Plus an awesome white chenille cozy sectional couch deep enough to spoon…. without anyone falling off!!! For when I find a new, great man!!!! Which I have!! He’s just 8 hours away right now…painted my front door bright teal blue! Made his workshop MY SHE SHED!! Flowers and sparky things all over house!!!!! It’s beautiful!!! Thank you XH for taking your sorry self away!!!! My house is now my haven…. ❤️

  • Ohhhh this is interesting to me, as after two years from leaving, I am about to re-enter the marital house (sans cheater). I have already planned most of the changes, I started from the ones to ensure security.
    Doors, locks and bolts galore!

    But I do savour the moment where I’m going to go wild on white, pink and gold accents!
    The house right now is total white/scandi chic, as per my previous remodeling.
    I think he’s okay giving the house up to me (for a limited time, until I can buy my own place) because everything in it, he let me choose. He was way too “busy” planning his extra-curricular activities to be concerned with picking tiles or paint. I earned that house!

  • i made sure to throw my wedding dress in the rented dumpster when we were cleaning the house out to put it up for sale- so he could see it in there. I sold my wedding and engagement ring and went on a great vacation with our son. i put my up xmas lights, something he never wanted to do or even wanted me to spend money on, at my new place so he had to see them when he dropped up and picked up my son! It is obvious whenever he comes to my home that i am finally doing what i want with MY home- he was so controlling i never could do what i wanted!

    • I find I’m unable to get rid of my wedding dress. It’s like it’s the last vestige of my broken dreams and of a time when I had hope. How did you manage to do it?

      • There are very good organizations out there that would love to have the fabric. This is heartbreaking, but there is one group of women I read about that take donated wedding dresses and make tiny outfits for hospitals to provide for stillborn infants. There is a group near me that accepts all kinds of fancy dresses and uses the fabric to teach children to sew, making stuffed animals and other things. Maybe giving it a new, uplifting and very beneficial use could help you part with it?

        • That’s an amazing idea! I don’t know of any organizations around here that do that but will find out.
          I also thought of giving it a dye job and wearing it as an evening gown on a formal date, should I get one. That would feel great.
          I had a date at the pub the cheater used to hook up with schmoopie at. It was my date’s idea and we both thought it was funny.

  • Such a sore spot for me.
    She always wanted to move up to a better house, but post DD she would not let me buy her out of house even though she could not afford it. Pure spite. (Did not want kids to live there with me!) So the house was sold, but buyers backed out as real estate market crashed. No buyers for 9 months and after a fake reconciliation she relented and I got the house in the settlement.
    Now the fun part.
    I got to remodel with her out of the way. I enlisted my high school and college age sons to help me gut the place. Added a second bath and completely remodeled master bedroom with more closets and floor space. I am a professional cabinetmaker so I put built-ins in all the rooms. New paneled doors. Refinished all the hardwood floors and some new carpets.
    The place sparkled!
    A few years later I remarried and we lived here for a year before deciding to relocate back to her town for her youngest sons sake.
    Sold it for $75k more than asking price!
    I heard from realtor that the ex came to the open house.

  • After I threw him out and took his keys I went through every cupboard and closet and boxed every last mismatched item, old sheets, towels, and worthless junk item. The boxes were sealed.
    I added them to his personal items.

    I gave him a list of items he needed to take to the dump including old mattresses and junk he piled behind the garage. He must have made ten or so trips. He wanted nothing from the home.

    • Nanthony called me a hoarder. I sold and donated much of what he left behind. I repainted all the woodwork, my kitchen realized just how much space his crap cluttered up my home.

      Prior to Dday he wanted me to give up my rental home and downsize. I refused. In the past five years rental prices have nearly doubled. Not mine, my landlord stated he’d never go up on the rent when I moved there in 2006.

      It’s all about what we value and appreciate. I love my home!

      • Oh, totally. Mountains of useless crap. They have a ton of stuff because they’re impulsive and self indulgent, so they buy whatever they want at any given moment. Idiot boy had to buy a new expensive bike every year. None if them were ever good enough. We had a garage full of his old bikes which he never bothered to sell but never rode again. Also multiple unused laptops, phones and many high tech gizmos which I can’t identify. The list is endless. I found 6 pairs of unopened earbuds, FFS. They are chaos personified. It’s great to be free of that.

        • Same here – except it was guitars in his case. He couldn’t play worth shit but must have had about 12 of them.

          • Haha, my basement was filled with a massive drum set. You’d think he was a super ⭐️ but alas, just a wannabe. For all that he did I rarely complained.

            Gone. My basement is empty with the exception of decorations. Today I’m Coincidently getting rid of anything I wouldn’t want to move when I buy my first solo home.

            • Congratulations on your new home. It’s great to have a place that’s free of fuckwit memories.

          • Frustrated rock star dreams, no doubt. Compensating for zero talent and being ordinary with lots of guitars.
            I think for my idiot the bikes represented his freedom that was being stifled by marriage, in his delusional mind. In reality, he did whatever he wanted. It was I who wasn’t free, because I was forced to be at home caring for kids and pets while he partied, chased a whore, and pursued his other stupid hobbies.
            Selfish pigs, every last one of them.

            • ***** for my idiot the bikes represented his freedom that was being stifled by marriage, in his delusional mind. In reality, he did whatever he wanted. It was I who wasn’t free, because I was forced to be at home caring for kids and pets while he partied, chased a whore, and pursued his other stupid hobbies.
              Selfish pigs, every last one of them.****
              OMG, that hit me!!!
              Nailed it!!!
              Exh2/the Evil One, was all about having his pipe dreams, new hobbies, etc. fully-funded and supported by me, but anything I wanted for myself I was denied.
              They are such bastards.

      • Yes! I got accused of having so much “stuff” (which I really don’t) but we constantly trip all over his mountains of junk all over the house. Another strange thing they project on us.

        • I was also accused of being messy & a hoarder. Funny how once he moved out, the house has been spotless and clutter free! Hmm. He also told his family that he “didn’t have much” when they agreed to help him move, but somehow managed to fill a 20′ box truck and two pickup trucks with “not much” stuff. They really are all the same, working from the exact same handbook.

  • For those of us over 60, remember the scene from An Unmarried Woman where Jill Clayburgh goes on a tear pitching his stuff, starting the bathroom. Assclown of a husband had an affair that started in the men’s shirt department at Bloomingdale’s, I think. Justice!! She gets Alan Bates in the end.

  • Every single thing in my new home is what I picked out and paid for.
    But that was always the case as he just couldn’t give a crap about the house (and me).
    And he never would spend a dime of his money on the house (or me).
    But he loooved showing guests around the house, because it was beautiful and unique.
    I wish I could say “like me”, but I am not there yet.
    And I absolutely love Orlando. He rose from the ashes of a bombed-out relationship and he is reaching out to help others in pain.
    Like Chump Lady and all of Chump Nation.
    Love you guys so much!

  • I stayed in the marital home. His home office is now a bedroom for my out of town son and family to use while visiting. His downstairs hobby/collectible room is being transformed into a fantastic playroom for my grandkids.

    He said this never felt like his home anyway. That’s what happens when instead of spending quality time with your family you hole up in your home office and use it for you cheating command center.

    I did not want to leave my neighbors as they have been like family to me. There is a lot to be said about neighbors who hold you while grieving during the dark days.

    Most everything has been painted/replaced and repaired.

    But the absolute best is hat I now have a beautiful, funny, loving German Shepherd running through the house. Ex would not let the kids and I get a dog after begging him for years.

    Both sons and neighbors say my house is more open, airy and “looks happier” then before.

  • I moved out and took just the furniture I need. Spare bedroom, TV and Stand along with my workout room equipment and my Kitchen Aid mixers. I left all of our pictures behind along with all of the 20 year old furniture. Furnished my apartment with furniture I picked out and paid for. Bedspread with bright flowers, shower curtain with bright flowers and wall art of my choosing. So EMPOWERING!!

  • I moved out and took just the furniture I need. Spare bedroom, TV and Stand along with my workout room equipment and my Kitchen Aid mixers. I left all of our pictures behind along with all of the 20 year old furniture. Furnished my apartment with furniture I picked out and paid for. Bedspread with bright flowers, shower curtain with bright flowers and wall art of my choosing. So EMPOWERING!!

  • Pretty simple stuff, once I got all her crap out of our place; new bed linens, new pillows. I put up a wire rack for my shoes, and hung most of my shirts, pants and suits in the newly empty closets. I found this little motivational sign and hung it by the bedroom door. It reads:

    “Life is not about finding yourself; it’s about creating yourself.”

    Some time later, my folks waited until I was away on vacation, to transform the door to my bedroom into the front of the TARDIS.

  • I’ve not got as far as some of you folks have, as honestly, he had so much stuff, which he refused to take, so I needed to wait till after we were finally divorced. There was so much of his that I had to schlep round OW’s for him, rather had done that than have him come round for it, and stuffthatwasjointlyoursbutIdidn’twantit, so that went round too. I still occasionally find things of his and either sling or take round so she can see the crap he left, several skips worth of stuff have gone, there is still more to sort out. I’m not sleeping in the marital bed atm, he had me get rid of our perfectly good old mattress as he said it hurt his shoulder, so got another which I was fine with, but winged that it still hurt his shoulder, so he didn’t like it, I think that actually addressing the cause of the shoulder pain would have been better, but he didn’t want to give up the hobby that caused it. I’ll address the bed when I get that far but knowing he hated the mattress means I’ll consider keeping it. I’ve managed to replace major kitchen appliances, got rid of old camping equipment, and have bought paint for when I have time to do redecorating and have some new curtains that I’ve planned one room’s decor around. Part of what is holding me up is needing to remove wallpaper, he liked wallpaper, but was not willing to replace it when it got too tatty, hence me wanting to paint so I can touch up or paint a different colour easily. Wallpaper is fine if replaced when it makes the place look like a slum, but no more wallpaper unless I decide otherwise. Garden is being wholly revamped. It will be practical for when I get older as am taking my increasing age and infirmity into account. Soon the crappy old windows and front door will be replaced, he’d not let us have new ones even though they are rotting and leaky. We had to keep various old bits of furniture as they were highly sentimental family heirlooms including his grandfather’s table, oddly enough he was not so attached to it that he took it with him. Lots of plans and it will be great when it is all done. He was a hoarder so actually, I have more stuff than I ought to have cos if I couldn’t get to my wardrobe cos of mount crapmore in the way or cos he’d dumped loads of stuff on top of my stuff I found myself having to get more stuff. I wish I was quicker at it but depression, sick parents, and shedloads of other things to get on top of, having slowed it all down, but I am enjoying reading about everyone who is managing to get rid quicker. Much stuff furniture-wise I got anyway as we needed it and he had no interest in helping chose it, all he was interested in doing is saying that he didn’t like it or I should have consulted him about it, which sounds sort of reasonable but considering that he would never discuss or take part in any of the choosing processes was kinda impossible. I shall consider everything on the basis of do I still like it and does it still work for me, what are the bad memories, can I afford to replace, if I can’t shall I look out for a new one on freecycle, so eventually it will all be my decision. One thing I’ve recently done that made me happy was to replace a shelf that he’d knocked off the wall. He’d long said we needed a shelf there, but it never appeared, and if ever I started something he’d said he’d do and needed some help, cos some things you actually do need an extra pair of hands to do, he would refuse point blank to ever do anything on it, and that was one vow he stuck to, so one mothers day my son put a couple up. He hated this, and moaned about it being his house [actually it was our house] and one day when he was being careless he knocked his head on it. I couldn’t replace it for fear of repercussions but have done now and am so pleased I have done that

    I overhauled myself (not to make myself better for him, but to feel better about myself), including new hairstyle, piercings, tattoos, clothing style, etc., but in retrospect should have just left my darn hair alone! The rest I have left, and am so happy that I made the changes.

    I also got rid of anything in the house (other than my children, of course) that reminded me of him. That included silverware, plates, glasses, towels, bedding, photos and whatever else happened to make me feel angry when I gazed upon it.

    The most important one of all that I got rid of was the bed. I burned that sucker. Took a sledgehammer to it (in the bedroom), then used a chainsaw to cut it into smaller pieces (in the bedroom), and took the whole splintered mess out to the bonfire pit, doused that sucker with gasoline, and then toasted marshmallows over it whilst it burned.

    • I did the self overhaul a bit too! i bought new clothes, dyed my hair, got a tattoo. things i wouldnt have done because i wouldnt want to ‘waste’ money being selfish.

      well done for destroying that bed, i bet it felt amazing

      • Thank you 🙂 It was, by far, the most cathartic experience out of the whole mess. The only thing that came close was seeing the look on the cheater’s face when he asked what happened to the bed, and heard the calmly delivered response!

  • Right before I found out about his affair, I was supposed to move across the country to California to be with him. All of our furniture, my clothes, my daughter’s toys were already in California. I was living with his parents when I found out.

    Within two weeks, I moved out of his parents’ place and bought everything brand new – bed, couch, coffee table etc. Everything in my apartment now is MINE and there is ZERO trace of him (or whatever shit marriage it was that we had)!!

  • I didn’t really change much about the house but I changed how I lived my life. I learned how to do all of the things he used to do around the house so I would not have to ask him for help. I did everything and did it my way giving me a sense of independence that helped me to feel that I would be just fine without him. Some things didn’t get done as perfectly as he would have done them but they got done on top of my job and looking after the kids and they were done well enough. Some minor repairs take a while to get to as I have to prioritize my time but everything gets done eventually. I also started taking the kids on family vacations solo. That used to be a team effort and we worked together to make the trips successful. It gave me a sense of pride to know that we could take those trips without ex and, with some help from the kids, we could still make them successful. Basically, I was able to cull him from my life by just not needing him. It turns out I can do everything he did, maybe not as well, but I don’t need perfect. I am content with pretty good. There is even less stress over the things I have always done as I no longer have to listen to him telling me how I am doing them wrong.

  • One of the first things I did was take down all the wedding pictures and pictures of her. I replaced those pictures with ones of me and my kids. And then hung up some more. It was a wonderful way to “cleanse” the house. Unfortunately, along with divorce comes the added pain of having to sell the marital home due to financial limitations on now one income. So I will be selling soon and saw no immediate need to change anything else. But my new place will have as much new furniture as possible, including new bed linens – hell, probably a new bed too! I look forward to being able to decorate as I see fit – for me and my kids. And anything that reminds me of her I will donate to goodwill or throw away or burn. I will NOT be shackled down by sentimental crap reminding me of the awful person who betrayed me and left me for a married man. She can go paint her new room whore red for all I care.

  • If / when I get back in my house in which STBXW, OM and kids are, the boys will share our old bedroom and I will be moving into theirs.

  • I fortunately got to change everything, moved back to my home state 3 states away from cheater (I’m still not convinced this is far enough), a new house, a new car, new furniture. The only things I kept from my former life are my children’s personal belongings and furniture. I didn’t want them to feel like they had lost any more than they already had. My kids are doing great and I’m doing great, 2 years out!

  • I first moved most of his crap into boxes and stored it in the loft or airing cupboard etc, as he left everything except for a few electronics and some clothes (moving in with ho worker) removed any photos of him around the house

    then i reorganised the draws that were his to put my craft stuff in it

    then i rearranged my living room/dining area, got a new rug and decorations.

    bought succulents and have one in every room of the house!

    i then moved onto my bedroom, painted it the duck egg colour i love and put up wall decals and picture frames for photos of me and the boys post d day

    cleared out the medicine and bathroom cabinets and tidied up

    recently tidied the garden as he would dump crap into corners and leave it to all go rotten etc so now it is safe for my 6 year old and 1 year old

    …..all this and probably a few things i forgot about, and its only been 10 months!

  • I changed homes altogether. I couldn’t live in a place that held so many bad memories. I now have my long held dream of a country cottage near the water, courtesy of the cheater, who bought it, put it in my name, and is renovating it. When we sell the old house I’m keeping the equity, too.

    No need to burn the bed because the cheater snored like a fog horn, has restless leg syndrome, and I’m a terrible insomniac, so we didn’t share a bedroom most of the time. I would stay with him 2-3 nights a week and he would whine that *I* was restless and disturbing him. Yet that was one of his many lame excuses for cheating; he didn’t get to spend the whole night with me every night. Right, I was literally supposed to lose sleep, which I don’t get enough of as it is, every single night, for precious entitled Adolph. This is something he would never do for me, not even to help me get some rest after giving birth. I was alone with a crying, colicky baby every night while he slept like a stone. You just can’t win with them. The selfish pigs whine and feel sorry for themselves if you do something or if don’t do it. Equally, he was sorry for himself that he had me as a wife and now he’s sorry that he doesn’t have me. Sayonara, sob sister!

  • The day after he FINALLY left (took a court order and he still stayed an extra 9 days; nobody is the boss of him!), my friend came over the very next day and helped me destroy the bar he built during the week our first son was born. The bar he slept next to instead of me and the kids. The bar he poured cheap hooch into empty bottles of expensive liquor that he dumpster dived for behind a bar one night.

    His bar was the most important thing in our house, and our three sons and I knew it. My sons have never once asked why that was the first thing to go after he did.

    A good friend will let you cry on her shoulder. A GREAT friend will show up with a sledgehammer.

    • ???? my friend showed up with bright flowers to plant everywhere and we dumped all his booze from the bar. Mine too loved his bar. It was awesome!

    • Mine built an outdoor bar for the back yard a couple years ago. Right before he moved out last October, he said, “Well, at least you have a nice bar now”. Um, no, HE wanted that bar, not me. I was just happy to see him interested in doing SOMETHING on the weekends besides watch tv!

      I will be destroying that bar and “shawshanking” it into the garbage this summer.

  • When I moved out, I literally left everything except my clothes, bed, tv, and computer. We hadn’t shared a room or a bed in over three years by that point and I don’t think he really cared that much. I was pretty much treating my bedroom like an apartment anyway.

    In the 12+ years that we were married, we never had an organised household. It was like we were just two people sharing a space. It was an absolute mess and very difficult to figure out. He failed to help with housework so when the rest of the house starting to look like the city dump, I suspect he blamed me for that, but my bedroom was always clean and tidy.

    Once I was moved into my apartment, I bought new everything: washing machine, fridge, dishes, flatware, you name it, I bought it. I did take the microwave and the vacuum cleaner because I paid for those and they were top quality items.

    I don’t regret leaving anything behind. For me, it felt like a clean break.

  • The first thing I did was get new linens, curtains, and shower curtain and rugs in bright colors. Everything he liked was beiges and Browns. Then we sold the house when I had time to clear it out. I donated all his tools to habitat for humanity, his other stuff to good will, gave away to friends stuff they could use and threw away the rest. It is very therapeutic. I have now moved and am in process of renovating a new place that is totally mine. Yes I totally support a redo of physical space. Hugs

  • I’ve done quite a bit of this since the ex moved out almost 10 months ago.

    I deep cleaned the entire house, including shampooing the carpets. I also palo santo wood smudged the house.

    I rearranged the furniture in every room except the guest room.

    I painted the master bedroom, the stair banisters, and started painting all the oak trim…haven’t finished this yet. There’s LOTS of oak trim 

    A friend of mine and I built a window seat in the kitchen.

    I had a garage sale and sold most of the stuff the ex left behind. Anything that didn’t sell was donated to charity.

    I had the outside of the house painted completely different colors than it was before.

    I even rearranged the outdoor furniture.

    And…I bought new sheets <3

  • Kept the marital home because (1) allowed me to be the stable one who kept the kids in their beds, their rooms, their school, their neighbourhood, and (2) an amazing investment given the housing market and potential in my region.

    He ensured that the furniture was split in half so that I had some empty rooms and random spots to fill. I ensured that he took the dining room set (it was falling apart anyways). He wanted the downstairs sofas (I had been hiding a rip on one for a while). And I told him to take our bedroom.

    Bought new bedroom furniture with a king-size bed for my room after I painted. Finally got the luxury hotel bedroom oasis that I had been postponing for years. Got new furniture for other rooms and re-positioned almost everything. A few months ago, I started painting more rooms. My goal is to have every room re-painted in the coming months.

    My summer project is the building of a 28 x 12 foot deck. A deck that got postponed when it was decided that my ex would go back to school, and I supported him for three years through a degree instead. I’m paying someone to lay all the posts, but then I am doing the rest with some family and friends. I’ve already bought the outdoor furniture and have it stored away (clearance at 60% off). I have never built a deck, so I’ve been learning the skills over the last year and drawing on a lot of help popping by. Even my neighbours are in on the action. Cannot wait to christen the new deck with a blowout BBQ, hopefully before the end of August.

    My longer term goal is a new kitchen – goodbye to the 1976 original kitchen. Hopefully in three years time. The wife of one of my colleagues is a kitchen designer, and she helped designed the functional space of my dreams (including knocking down a wall between the dining room) for free. Now I know measurements for the supplies needed and will start scouring for deals (tiling, etc) and storing them until they are needed. Start knocking down the wall and prepping the space, bit by bit. Should be able to do that whole thing for half the price, just need some patience.

    I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. I have the same demanding job, still take care of most of the kids’ needs, now I care for a whole house myself…and more has progressed in my life than ever before and I have the least stress that I have had in years. The same busy life of responsibility minus one cheating husband. And, I feel so much more free.

  • I got a new house. Condo actually. During divorce I thought all I wanted was to keep the house but now I realize it would have been too big and too big an expense. So I took my share of equity and bought a smaller but perfectly sized for me condo. Bonus is I got to decorate exactly the way I want and have as many plants as I wanted. I was never allowed to decorate before because I was told I had an awful sense of decor. Bwahahahaha! I can laugh about that particular piece of bullshit now.

  • As soon as our split was formal, I separated everything fuckwit asked for, made sure the dog and the cats peed on it all, crammed it in a very dusty duffle bag and sent it off with a bearer he arranged.

    As for the rest:
    I got a smaller bed (I sat a home waiting for king size mattress and bed to arrive and later found out that all the while glitters was cavorting around with a flatterfuck).

    The guy that comes around my neighborhood with a horse cart picking up our garden prunings and has a huge belly now wears a “Harvard”T shirt that glitterballs loved to wear.

    I sold his mother’s antique Singer sewing machine to a cheater decorating his love nest; he came with the floozie (heavy makeup and stilettos at 9 am). I felt very wicked.

    I went to sell a gold necklace his mother left me (a big fuss about this) and turns out it was fake…. Very symbolic.

    I sold, auctioned or gave away got rid every single object that came from fuckwit and his family except from his aunt who hated cheaters and always gave me lovely things.

    The only thing I hold on to are his family pictures (but they are in a bag by the trash storage) because I feel petty and evil if I threw them out. But I don’t want to give them to him because of ego kibbles, I am sure he will understand it that way.

  • Besides the POS I was married to, I got rid of EVERYTHING! The house, the furniture, towels, bed, sheets, plates, pot and pans, everything! I bought a new place and I picked out everything, I got what I wanted. (although he did take my cuckoo clock he had given to me and I saw the OW, now his wife posted it on facebook to show everybody the clock her man gave her!!) And I am the using the pension money I got from the divorce to pay for all of it!! SWEET!!

  • I replaced all my linens and pillows. I really wanted to replace the mattress, but they are expensive. I felt gross sleeping on it because it had his energy in it and it was uncomfortable, too. But I was trying to be frugal while transitioning to a new budget.

    While I was in the midst of this, I had all my bedding in the washing machine including the waterproof mattress pad. My dog jumped on the bed and left a HUGE pee stain on it. That was the first and last time she peed in that room. I took it as a sign and replaced the bed that weekend. It is spoon much better to sleep in my own bed.

  • I took almost everything, except his huge recliner and military coins. I finally got to decorate my entire kitchen in purple, after being told no I couldn’t have purple in our house at all. This guy would throw the flowers I had in the bathroom on the floor every single morning when we first got married until I took them out. I plan on getting rid of the king size bed furniture and mattress and I’m replacing that and getting new living room furniture. No more Mr. Petty.

  • This is a great post! Always loved the fixer-uppers, hoarder helpers and “Who Wants a Clean House?” shows!

    Before I moved out of the house we built; I destroyed a lot of sentimental things. And it felt good! And I don’t regret it one bit! One of the most satisfying experiences was opening up the shadowbox of things from our wedding (evil MIL gave it to me), which included matches that said, “Martha & Cheater, a perfect match”. I dumped the contents of the shadowbox on the lawn. Doused the shadow box and memories with lighter fluid. Lit one of the “Perfect Matches” and set it on fire. The fire turned the grass black, just like my XH’s heart.

    I threw away all the photos of the two of us before our children were born. In front of the cheater, I ripped my favorite wedding photo in half and said to him, “This is what I think of this sham of a marriage!” Cheater said, “Stop destroying things.” I said, “You no longer can tell me what the fuck not to do!” Proud of myself for being mighty and standing up to him!

    With a nod to yesterday’s post about the cheater saying “they haven’t been happy in a long time” — my cheater said “ten years, but he didn’t know it”. Well, in those last ten years we went on a lot of really great family trips, pretty much 100% planned by me. A couple of years before D-day, I gave him for Father’s Day a framed map of the USA. It was really neat as you could push pins into it to show all the places you went. It also came with a little plaque that said, “Smith Family Fun-filled Adventures”. He loved it and said he wanted it in the divorce. Well…….why would he want something that would remind him of how unhappy he was during all those family times? So, I took it with me when I moved out and threw it in the dumpster where it belonged. Him and his whore can make their own map with pushpins of all the places they met-up to cheat.

    I now live in my own condo. It’s the perfect size for me and my kids. We added a cat to our family, because we no longer live with someone allergic to cats. And now I even wonder if he was really allergic to cats or just didn’t like them?

    There’s nothing in my new home that reminds me of him. I still have a few big things like furniture from my former life, but they don’t remind me of him at all. Anything triggery is long gone; either destroyed or donated. I have tons of photo albums, but I don’t look at them. Maybe someday I will be able to look at them and not feel sadness for what he destroyed. And also sadness for what a chump I used to be.

    • Right with you on the photos. I have avoided them for 4 years. My kids are in those photos but so is he since I took most of them. I’m not in them which makes me sad.

      • Newlady15, I feel your pain in not being in the photos. My albums are mostly like that too. After our first child was born — not one single photo of me with our son after he was born. Tons of photos of XH with son. It still hurts remembering being at the hospital and all attention from his mommy was on XH and “how tired” he looked. I listened to my XH call family members and every single time they asked how the birth was, he said, “She had minimal discomfort.” And it was just the opposite of that! And I wondered for years why he would say that to everyone. And why he wouldn’t take any pictures of me with our son? There’s so much more! But once I discovered personality disorders; all the odd behaviors over the years made sense! My XH was jealous of the attention that our son and I were getting, so he’d make sure not to give me any attention and that included not taking pictures of me. He’s sick! Hopefully one day we’ll be at 100% meh, and then we can look at our pictures again. 🙂

  • We had to sell our marital home because of the divorce so I did not change anything to it. However, my new place is a true reflection of me and I feel peaceful there. I did however, sell the center stone of my diamond ring to put in a paver patio in my new backyard! I always wanted one at our marital home but he said we could afford it. I rejoice every time I sit on my patio and enjoy a glass of wine!

    • Yeah for you Kimmy. I am trying to figure out what to do with my jewelry he gave me and I have a lot of landscaping to do. I never thought to sell that to pay for the landscaping. That’s perfect, thanks for the post. Enjoy your wine

  • Best parts were burning a load of sage, inspired by a groovy yoga friend, and getting rid of the bed which may or may not have been part of the scene of the crime.

  • I moved out of the house we had shared and into a new one that is a peaceful refuge for my son and I. In a weird and totally crappy move my ex sent me some “clothing you forgot.” when he was trying to Hoover. Except none of it was mine! I marched my self over, handed it back and told him there is not one thing left in that house I want, now or ever.

  • He had bought me this huge carved chest for Christmas 30 some years ago. It was gorgeous and I was always chastised if I tried to move it by sliding it (legs would break he said) but yet he never would move the damn thing if I asked.

    The first thing I did was to have daughter’s boyfriend and my grandson take sledge hammers to it and break it into a thousand jagged pieces while I watched, smiling.

    Then we loaded it up in the truck and took it to asshole’s construction dumpster where I was sure he would see it destroyed.

    I drove away laughing. Damn that felt good!

  • I replaced almost every single furniture item one by one at little to no cost because I bought and sold everything on Craigslist. Then I spent the money he had been hoarding which was supposed to be going towards repairing a particular room/bathroom in our house but had been put off for over two years as we kept adding kids and they were all crammed into one room. Now it’s finally done, and I have the use of my entire house and it’s how I want it. It was very therapeutic!

  • Yep, after D-day, the first thing I did was buy new bed linens. I also went through the dresser and closet, gathered up all the clothes she’d bought me (fortunately, it wasn’t much), combined them with the linens and donated the lot. It felt good! But that’s all I’ve done over the past 12 months.

    I’m still in our marital home. Now that I’m 12 months out, and the fog has lifted, I recognize the memory-inducing aspects of the house. It was our “home. We raised our daughter there. My inclination is to sell it, but I promised our daughter that I’d hang onto it until she graduates college (so she can come “home” on holidays/breaks). After she graduates, it might be time for a change — that’ll depend on how much I can remove the memories and make it “mine”. I’d love to do a complete overhaul; repaint, get rid of all the furniture, dishes, etc., but I can’t afford a full-scale purge-and-replace – I wish I could! In time….*fingers crossed*

  • In June 2015 the Twat informed me that he was running off back to the States to be with Schmoopie (who had seemingly only been widowed about 10 weeks before she moved in with him). In the space of 5 days he abandoned his huge rental place and everything in it – including the dog he had gotten 3 months previously. Knowing my kids would leave it to the last minute to start emptying the place I went up there every weekend for 2 months to take stuff to the tip and sort things out. But eventually, when the lease was up it had to be emptied so the kids took what they wanted and the rest of his crap ended up in my large basement. I retired on 31 December so am only now finding time to go through his crap but everything that goes out of the house feels like a breath of fresh air!

  • This! This was basically my Masters thesis! Written after DDay, but before final discard, chumpy me. Certainly was discussed, analysed, as a big part of identity (re)construction. Brilliant, CN.

  • Wow! This is inspiring! And it is inspiration I need … because the only thing I’ve done so far is rearrange the bedroom, in part so that my mom could bunk with me one crazy weekend when I had a lot of guests. X the AO saw the change and got extremely angry–spun into a total crazy freak out–it was the only time I thought I’d need to call the police. Guess I’ve kinda been frozen since then–time to use all these great ideas to move forward!

    I want to repaint my already green (gaslight green? love that!) bedroom a new, more hopeful shade of green (gradual but good growth green? I want it to feel like I’m being sheltered in the shade of a favorite tree…)

  • Not really house related, but early in our 20 yr marriage, he carved our initials in a tree at our favorite campground. I took an ax out there and hacked off his initials…I left mine. Tried not to kill the tree…

    Also recently found the obligatory “our first Christmas” ornament they every starry eyed bride buys. Took that thing to my fire pit, kicked back with an adult beverage and watched that baby burn. Brightest glow my marriage ever had!

    • Penny, I did the same thing, I took all the Christmas ornaments that I had with “our first Christmas” and everything with his name on them and stomped on them and threw in dumpster!

      • Me too. Except “our 1st Christmas” was a small hanging frame ornament that you slip a photo into. …EXCEPT he would never choose a photo and hated all the ones I picked out.! So it sat empty for all the Christmas we had together., many years that I could never get back. I threw away my wedding dress and shoes. All of the sexy underwear..but somehow I could not throw away that little photo frame. I live in a college town and thought… for some nice young couple this could be perfect for and they may not have any money. If some one takes it, May this couple be blessed with a happy marriage.
        I put it out a free box in front of my house. The next day it was gone. Somehow that made me feel good. . But the blessing should be returned to me. the one who lets go..should also be blessed with happiness as well.

  • The only thing I got was the kids and our clothes. So after getting a job and getting off friends couches. Rented a house,bought new furniture and traded my car off. He paid for all the marital stuff 15 year old in the divorce. Within a month of divorce finalizing, I closed on dream home (pool in backyard). The kids picked paint colors and decorations for there rooms. I did the same for mine. We are having a blast decorating it. So everything we own he never had. So nothing to unspouse. Starting fresh making new memories.

  • I confess, I have not gotten very far in removing a lot of stuff from my time together w/the XW. It took me ’till now, 2+ yrs after D-day, to start to think I had some energy to devote to redoing what was our house, now solely mine. Yes, I bought her out of her half of the house because I’ve been trying to make this shitfest of a time as easy as possible on our youngest, my now 13yr old son (and to a good extent me, as well).

    He’s w/me 50/50, and I discovered it would cost just as much to find a two bedroom apartment in our town, allowing him to stay in his current school system w/his friends, and have much less privacy for me. Not to mention the moving costs I didn’t have money for. So, I quickly figured out I could deal w/being in this house until he graduates from HS (the summer of 2024 can’t come soon enough for me!). Then I will hopefully have gotten the house in good enough shape to rent out, and will MOVE out to a place all my own. I don’t even know if I’ll stay in the same state, and I keep telling myself, only five more years. I should mention this is the house that the XW made the case for us to downsize into so she could keep her political seat in our town, and that I agreed to in order to make her happy (found out about a year and a half after moving in how wrong I was about that, after D-day).

    My two older girls moved out after their mother left me to be w/THE ONE, her pathetic, rich (yet cheapass), now former boss. The oldest because she had graduated college and needed to get away from the former nest as well as the bad energy (my take). My younger daughter moved in w/her mother and the asshole AP, but this was after they moved out of the apartment they lived in for a year (literally a half mile down the street from me and starting less than two weeks after D-day), and moved into a relatively new condo an eighth of a mile behind me.

    She’s the middle child and has always been a bright kid, but saying she’s a handful is putting it mildly. So, for a little over a year, they got her full blast of annoyance w/them and their insistence on keeping a condo that as she put it, “looks like nobody lives in it,” since they have taken cleanliness to an unholy level. My brother said it serves them right; let them get to deal w/her special behavior (I love her, but she can be a tough one to be around. It doesn’t help she’s now 21 and knows everything, while everybody else knows nothing). When my son told me how they were always arguing, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh (she just moved into an apartment w/two roommates on 6/1,so she’s out). I only get glancing blows from my daughter on how to live my life, and those have been some doozies. I can only imagine what they’ve been getting for the last year plus (Ha!).

    As for the things we accumulated in our marriage, I would say I have a majority of them, as the XW just left most of them behind, although she’s starting to ask about some. She’s going to get a rude awakening, when she realizes I’m of the mind that the divorce stipulations said she could get her stuff out of the house by the end of May 2018, and she carted off that stuff last year. It’s not my fault if she didn’t make the effort to get everything she wanted. The rest of the stuff I’ll either sell or donate.

    She got the life and the fellow cheater asshole she had to have, throwing me overboard in the process. She doesn’t get an ongoing arrangement for removal of things she now remembers she wants. There is a faux fireplace she insisted we have made for $2K, from when we owned a bookstore around 2007, that she was sure was going to increase store traffic (it didn’t). I’ve been storing it in MY garage since she left, w/her promising to sell it or give it away to somebody. She never has. It was a specialized piece that nobody else wants. Well, this summer my axe is going to have some fun taking that apart for the backyard fire. The only reason I held on to it was again, to make her happy. Gone are those days! Be well and cleanse your living spaces of the cheaters as much as you can, CN.

  • I got rid of his stench.

    I didn’t realize how much my house stank until I came home one day, weeks after he was gone, and my house smelled nice when I walked in.

    He left me in September. During that summer, I had been building a headboard for our bed, but I hadn’t installed it yet. I did after he left and I love it.

    I’ve demo-ed my kitchen, moved my stuff into spaces that used to be his. Etc. it’s a work in progress.

    You can see the headboard at

    • Nice job on the head board!
      I read parts of your blog. Dday for me was Sept 1, 2018. It’s a rough time of year to be discarded. Sorry you had to deal with that with the holiday season looming.

  • My ex always parked his ass on a leather club chair. After I kicked him out I listed it on ebay as “Adultery Chair” – because I realized he was texting the OW while sitting in it. Cathartic AF!

    • Yes!!!
      In my case it was a leather recliner. He hunted for his next fuck-buddies from that chair, while simultaneously conducting a ten-year affair with a neighbor. Not sure why he had to text her so often, he spent all day every day with her while I was at work. And many nights while I was sleeping. And weekends too. Not sure where he got the time for his Craigslist hookups. ????
      Anyway, at least the guy could multitask. ????
      I gave the chair away. Probably the most broken-hearted cheater has ever been. ????

      • The Twat used to sit on the end of a leather sofa near the TV and be on his computer. I always knew where he sat because it was covered in cigarette burns! Don’t miss that or his smell at all!

        • Weird how there have been a many comments about the cheater’s smell. I always loved his natural scent. But every so often, he would smell unpleasant to me.
          It was just randomly, and just for short periods of time when we were first married.
          But over the years it would last for months and then years. And then it would go back to normal. And then start again.
          For the last ten years of our marriage, even his breath smelled wrong to me.
          I wonder now whether some primitive part of my brain was trying to make me aware of what was going on.

  • I burnt all of his work clothes as he was working at her house and donated everything else, shoes included!
    I also painted my bedroom grey and bought new mattress and bed clothes. Then I changed the room round so my place of solace was completely different to how it had been during the time my life was (unbeknownst to me) crumbling under my feet!

  • I’ve redone almost the entire house once.
    My room now has a sparkly orange canopy bed and my meditation alter.

    I decided to use second hand stuff and my daughter helped garage sale to make this fun.

    It’s now our house. Stbx is nowhere to be seen.

  • This is so great to read! We own both a house and a small apartment, and I’ve asked to be allowed to live in the apartment while the divorce is pending. He doesn’t understand why it’s so important to me to have the support order stipulate that I will move my stuff into the apartment, but he has to empty his crap out of the apartment. I don’t even care if I end up sleeping on a mattress on the floor! I just want to start over with stuff I picked out myself, not his sloppy seconds.

  • Since he left abruptly and packed like he was going on holiday I was left with all his crap!
    20 pairs of Nike trainers went to the homeless football charity. All his books went to local book store (they knew him, it was a pleasure to tell them who’s books they were and why they were being donated.) They gave me £100 for them. The more sought after one’s I sold on Amazon…
    I bought new artwork that I’d always wanted. Got rid of the living room and bedroom curtains (that his mother made) and made my own blinds and new curtains from scratch.
    Rearranged all the living room, bought new sheets and duvet sets, couriered all the rest of his crap to his skank’s parents house. – 18 boxes of old clothes underwear, porn cds, cut up clothes, broken crap, army dolls, flip flops, all the cards we’d ever sent each other. Cost me £70 for them to dump the lot with her parents. He was living in a caravan in their back garden.. Hahaha…
    It was horror and soul gutting but cathartic!

    • My next step is to get the hall redecorated, the garden remodelled and an internal wall pulled down to make an open plan kitchen diner.
      There’s no stopping us mighty folk!

  • I moved out with DD and left all the lingerie and gifts from him in a pile with a big note that said “More leftovers for your mistress”.

    He took two diamonds out of my wedding ring because they were “family heirlooms” from his mother (more lies) so I also left behind the old sewing machine she gave me as a gift with a big note that said “Here’s another family heirloom to return.”

    I left behind all the shit from our marriage, including the shit I was married to. It all ended up at the skank’s house when he moved in with her. Ha!

  • The night I found everything out… all his shit went in in bags and boxes, straight to the garage. Maybe his toothpaste, shampoo, shave cream, was left open in each damn box. Whoops. He owns his own business so all of the embroidered, expensive clothing went straight to goodwill. I love finding random ass people all over town wearing it . His mother (who knew of his shitty escapades and hung out with senorita slut bag herself), got all gifts back. She had her own box which included shattered pictures. Whoops, again . After his ass was out, I signed a lease , sans his name, resurfaced the deck, relanscaped the whole yard, new art..: all of it. All shit he never wanted to help with or be a part of . Bought my own frickin mower too. Changed the locks and the garage code. Best “remodeled” part… his bitch ass out of MY house. Don’t.Fuck.With.Me.

  • It was easier for me to leave it all behind. I hated the house when we bought it. He loved it so I figured he should buy me out. I only took the stuff I loved. Moved to another state and started over. It was hard but has been worth it!

  • The Oscar Soria quote is interesting. I haven’t done anything with my house post-divorce not because I don’t value myself, but because I hate the house. Bad things happened here.

    It was my second choice on the block. And whenever I mention selling it, people try to tell me what a great house it is, and what a great neighborhood, and how it’s my daughter’s childhood home, etc.

    I plan to put it on the market this coming spring.

  • Oh, such a good thing! The wingnut in my life left with a few bags of clothes, but demanded all of the hand-me-down crap furniture from his family. Good riddance! I had 2overstuffed sofas, a kitchen table, and a dresser from my family. He never showed to pickup the 25 y/o mattress, so I trashed it. I slept on a sofa for almost 8 years until I could afford to buy a new king-sized bed set, all new linens, pillows, etc. I also bought new towels, etc. Anything that touched his slimy scales was donated or pitched. Over the years, I have acquired several MCM pieces, new dishes, small appliances, etc. All mine, all exactly what I want. Over time, I painted the entire house, walls, trim, and ceilings. Again, making the house my home. Gone is the stuffy, colonial, traditional crap. I finally feel settled, safe, and comfortable in my clean and organized home. My advice is to take your time, buy what you love, visit vintage shops, auctions, estate sales. Feather your nest for your comfort.

  • I burned a box full of momentoes she saved from the first AP. I destroyed all the awards she had up from her time when they worked together.

  • I got everything in the house as part of the split. I negotiated the value down to 1/4 what it was worth. His miniature army that he spent 4 years painting went under the sledgehammer. Bed given away. His stuff and anything he gave me sold or given away. Wedding rings etc went in the lake. Pictures of him burnt. Kids took what they wanted and I am cheater free. Life IS grand!

  • He was very materialistic, I let him take all the expensive stuff huge TV, best China, expensive patio set etc. I have anything with sentimental value for me. My rental is simple and homely, my friend says it’s like I’m like the rest of them now.

  • I found them screwing on our living room couch while they were both drunk and I was sober and awake… so the kids weren’t allowed on the couch for two days until I could get someone to help me remove and I immediately bought a new couch. So much better too bc our couch was old and wrinkly… like STBX.

    I am planning to paint the living room soon, but did remove wallpaper and paint the kitchen and cabinets just a few weeks ago. I am sure I’ll do more. I love that the papers we are about to sign basically say that what is left is mine to get rid of – of course that is work for me, but legally I’m covered.

    I am still moving most of his sorry-a$$ stuff out. He hasn’t done any of the work and has missed two deadlines and likely a third on Sunday. I am over it. I just pack boxes and leave in the garage and he can sort later. I don’t care, I just want him out of my space.

  • I put all his clothes he left in bin liners in the garage, around 20 bags including designer shoes and shirts.
    After a few months he hadn’t collected them so I took them all to cash for clothes and got £40 which I used for a night out. When the lady at the shop was folding and weighing she looked at me like I’d gone nuts giving it away ????????
    I felt great

  • I didn’t change anything in the house, left it instead. So basically, I changed the house and Got a new place.

  • We lived in a long term rental, everything in the house was mine that I had bought over the years or were precious family heirlooms from my family. I love to decorate, btw. His contributions: a mishmash of coffee mugs, 40 boxes of comic books, and a giant filing cabinet, all of those things were in the garage. He has horrible taste.
    Whenever we had company over, they would compliment me on how beautiful the house was, even his parents would say nice things and he HATED that.
    He’s the one who moved out, so I replaced the couch which we bought together (I paid for it), because it was dark and I had compromised and bought a color I really didn’t like.
    I also Saged the shit out of the house and then was able to buy my own home exactly 2 years later. My home is light, bright, airy, and feels like a peaceful sanctuary.
    Meanwhile, his mommy bought him a house, he filled it with skateboards, comic books, dungeons and dragons crap, punk rock posters and is filthy, according to my kids. It’s total chaos, just like him.
    He’s 50, good luck to the OW, he’s a real catch.

  • I don’t need to ‘unspouse my house’ as my last two exes (husband and post-separation boyfriend/pseudo-friend of 30 years) rarely gave me even little material things (even cheap furniture, clothes, jewelry, free photos and love letters). They were too busy looking for their next partner.

    I try not to spend any time et my apartment because, as nice as it is/could be, it feels like a morgue and reminds me that I am alone. I have not found a reliable, long-term roommate in years. For the last two years, since last partner left, I have been sleeping primarily on a sofa at my home or my parents’ once I am too tired to work any more. I am very busy, but ‘busyness’ does not reduce loneliness. As bad as my last relationship was, I still miss my last boyfriend. I feel dead inside and outside.

    • RSW, I know how you feel. I think we need a change of scenery, but I understand how stuck we can be. It has taken me years of sleeping on my couch to (recently) buying a new bed. But I still fee stuck somewhat. A friend of mine with similar long-term experiences agrees with me too. So it’s not just you. I keep thinking that I’m still on my journey, a definite work in process. After 8 years, I wish I was “settled” but I’m not. I think you and I are still growing. So keep on keeping on, and one day, we will be there.

        • The Other Kat;
          I would love to hear how you are still growing—especially as you are eight years out and I am ‘only’ two years out. I think that part of my sadness stems from my unemployment/underemployment and suits my ex-husband wage against me although he was the one who cheated on and left me.

          I feel poor (and ‘loser-ish’ on this board as it seems as though tons of chumps here seem to run out and buy a house soon after their exes leave. I don’t know if I can pay even rent on a small apartment for my kids and me—even if I find a roommate.

          • RockStarWife,
            May I keep you company on “loser-ish”?
            I am in a continent not mine, awaiting divorce. Going back to my the continent of origin once/if I make it out. Continents on the two sides of the Atlantic, the so called civilised world, where a backstabbing thing can happen, and one has no protection whatsoever under the law and under the mores of the times.
            Had once job security in my place of origin. Scant job prospects now.
            Happy that I will be reunited with elderly mother, and sister.
            Destruction is complete.
            Prior narcissistic abuse through my father’s family (the Grande-Covert, the grandmother transforming men into swine; I, the daughter of a man tranformed into a swine; he attached to his hiding-in-the-wings Circe-mistress (a left-leaning feminist). He died.
            In the middle of it, the resources that everybody wanted; and are gone. Their having had children prevented us from having our own. Maybe good so. My ex, self proclaimed protector of more conservative views turned abandoner, added his bit here. Certainly good so.
            No house.

            Another comment below

          • RSW, I have read many of your comments in the past and I believe you are on a journey. You are growing. I can give you some examples of my journey and how I feel stronger, both through reading encouraging comments, but also continuing to better myself. This divorce and the pain I have been handed is not going to be my story. I will recover
            Because I have a life to live. My life is still ahead of me.
            My first example is how dirt-poor I am. He left me with a mountain of debt and huge mortgage payments. So my journey continues with getting a second job, cashing in some bonds, and fingers crossed, I might have enough. The new Kat is doing whatever it takes. And I am making progress.
            Another example is emotional growth, realizing that my time is precious. I am in my 50s, and what I do and who I do it with has become sharply focused. Doing what i want, and who I want to spend my life with is critical.
            Changing my lifestyle, spending habits, personal care have been big areas of growth. Personal reflection has been very helpful. I see my journey in stages. I have learned from the pain and hard lessons, and now feel better prepared for what ever is ahead.
            RSW, please reflect on what makes you happy, and peaceful, and comfortable. You know everyone here has been through some level of craziness. We are not alone, we are not losers, we are going to be ok. It just takes time. I look forward to hearing about your growth.

    • RockStarWife,
      Maybe there are many more people that read this blog but don’t post, or don’t post as much, because it can be triggering to hear stories of success if you are barely coping, struggling, moving along slowly, not moving along at all, or whatever. Nothing against those who manage to move forward and even be mighty after destruction. Much admiration. Yet a lot depends also on specific circumstances, or luck.
      For instance, it seems a huge difference derives from whether divorce can be handled as fault divorce, if the backstabber has not made assets disappear even in the cases of fault divorce, if one is not still persecuted years later by the backstabber, if one has family around, and if one has a truly supportive family, if one has not had history of narcissism in the family through generations, if one has not been shunned, if one has not been conspired against by a whole group, if jobs are available, etc., etc. etc.
      In the ancient world the goddess Fortuna (luck) became more relevant when there was a perception that one didn’t have that much control over things. One does one’s best. Beyond that it’s with the gods.

      • Periwinkle, I agree with you. Every small step is growth. My divorce was chaos, my house wouldn’t sell, my car is a 1999 beater, but somehow I’m still moving forward!

      • Periwinkle, I got screwed too. Gave up a wonderful job in Switzerland because asshole wanted to move back to the States. Then I got a job at the World Bank in DC and asshole decided he didn’t like DC so we had to move back to PGH to be near his mommy (who is actually nice but I didn’t leave Birmingham, England to end up in PGH). Then we moved back to Switzerland because I was offered a job back and 5 years later he wants to move to Montana to “build a log cabin”. There is no satisfying these people. He tries to claim we moved from PGH to Switzerland to make me happy but that is BS – he hated his night shift job at the Post Office in PGH and jumped at the chance to move. I ended up buying him out of the house at age 53 so had a new mortgage when I was hoping to gear down but hey, it was worth it to get rid of him. He blew through all the money he got from the divorce and Schmoopie dumped him and cheated with some other guy. They get what they deserve eventually.

        • Periwinkle, The Other Kat, and Attie,

          Thank you for sharing your stories and your thoughts about how your life has progressed. You and others on CN help show me different ways to think about things.

          I am starting to realize that one of the things that hurts the most about my exes is not the loss of them, although I do miss my last boyfriend, or at least the facade of him, but the fear that maybe they’re right about me–maybe, I AM a perpetual loser and, in my fifties, there is no time to change that! (My last boyfriend told me that my career wasn’t good enough (in a way he’s right as I am virtually unemployed now and have switch career fields a few times), he has a stellar career in a very lucrative industry, and he left me to marry his young work subordinate, who was a high school valedictorian and is now a beautiful, brilliant wealthy Super Woman in his profession and company. My kids, especially the one who has special needs, have been really struggling in various ways for years. (Who brags about his/her kids chronically getting Ds and Fs in school (even though the kids are frequently offered a lot of high quality help) and not doing extracurricular activities (even though the kids are offered opportunities to do virtually any activity they choose)?)

  • My ex was financially reckless. We sold our home and the kids and I only had money to rent, I am thankful for being able to keep the homes contents. In my rental I can’t paint the walls. I’m stuck with the renter carpets. And I am stuck with our old tv couch bed etc. I would love to have my own place with brand new furnishings. But that’s not my reality. And that is just fine.

  • My ex was financially reckless. We sold our home and the kids and I only had money to rent, I am thankful for being able to keep the homes contents. In my rental I can’t paint the walls. I’m stuck with the renter carpets. And I am stuck with our old tv couch bed etc. I would love to have my own place with brand new furnishings. But that’s not my reality. And that is just fine.

  • I gave my wedding dress to a drag queen who has performed in it! He’s tiny, like I used to be 🙂

  • Thankfully, this was one of the parts of our divorce that was a no-brainer for me. I left the whole dang house behind! My ex loves living in old houses, which can be beautiful and charming, but they usually required major renovations of some sort. I lived through years of those renovations, and I was DONE. I found a cute little house that needed some painting and a few other small, manageable projects, and I moved out. I brought mostly furniture/decor that was from my side of the family and left him with all of his stuffy family heirlooms.

    It was a wonderful, fresh start for me and was just what I needed. I slept in a bed that was entirely my own in a bedroom that he had never slept in. There is no part of my house that makes me feel sad or nostalgic about my former marriage. My little house makes me feel grateful that I had the means to get away from him and start over. If you can afford it, I would highly recommend leaving the martial home if possible. My new home was an important part of my ability to move on and find peace.

  • 9 months out of abandonment. I bought a new dining room table, and I have painted the bedroom purple. New flooring coming this week. Getting a handyman to fix things the hubby neglected to deal with over the past few years.
    Fuckwit abandoned his parents to me. They were already living on the property when he, 48, left for a 23-year-old howorker. They now live inside my house. They have been my family for 27 years. I love them and cannot get over his absolute lack of concern for them–mo contact with them since early Dec 2018. What a POS!

  • I’m still in the same rental house we were living in when he left.
    I would love to fix it up and buy it, but not feasible. There’s a lot of exterior work that needs to be done, but other than cutting the vines off its out of my ability or funds.
    Interior, I have recreated my space. Rearranged furniture, bedrooms.
    I bought new bedding, a new bed, new living room couch TV’s for me and DD.
    I will probably move to a new place within the next couple years, I don’t know.
    I was with The Evil One for 13 years— we moved 7 times.
    O live my little cottage in the woods. It’s just right for DD and me, the neighbors are good, I turned his man cave into my crafting room, it’s surrounded by oak trees.
    It’s my.comfort zo e, peaceful without him here
    It just needs so much work.
    Meh. I’ll be ready when I’m ready.

  • Hi, I love this post and discussion. Haven’t seen the show though.

    Need some options.

    I have a vintage automobile that I bought when I met my Narc-ex and we drove it on our honey moon road trip. I still have it. I want it out of the garage. It’s been 3-1/2 years since d-day. It’s worth about 10k.

    I do need to replace my vehicle, so I could trade it, but I’m having indecision on what to get and am dragging my feet.

    How terrible would it be to donate it to my daughter’s school? I don’t itemize so there’s likely no tax benefit.

    • DeL, I would sell it, through a specialty auction house. Even with commissions, you will earn a profit. Then make a donation to your daughter’s school.

  • RSW, dont compare yourself to anyone! I really don’t care at all what people think of me, or my choices and actions. I am in a mindset of satisfying myself and my responsibilities. And if I have to make it by working 2 low-paying jobs just to pay off my debt, driving a beater car, letting the landscaping get a little weedy, or well! I’m in my 50s too, and some days are tougher than others. But I am appreciative of my low-pay job, beater car, weedy garden, etc. Because it means I still have a life. And not a fake life, like the wingnuts and their APs that abandon it all when life gets tough. Take care of yourself, your family, and breathe. One day, I’ll invite you to my weedy garden for a glass of wine!

  • YES I replaced everything I could. Just as they ruin every major event in the family, they also defile everything they touched in the house. Married 31 yrs I was triggered by thinking NOTHING had be real. My reality and his didn’t match. Bedroom makeover was first on the list, then pictures & plaques next. Clothing, personal items GONE, even coffee cups he liked GONE. Anything in the garage of attic GONE. 3 yrs post divorce you would never know any male had ever lived here. (especially him) Occasionally I find something and before I take a second look at it, I toss it. I had my son sell this big paining I gave him for the office. It was a moose in the snow/trees. It was sold for $5. LOL Ive gone through pictures of the two of us and tossed quite a fe and pics of us during a time I could remember he was f’ing around. Trigger Alert. i bought a different car, cleaned out my garage and storage, where nothing is his. The final thing I did for myself was I donated my wedding dress to a charity that makes time baby gowns for babies who die at birth or are still born. Its called Angel Gowns. I still have my jewelry but one day Ill have it all made into something cool. For now, i don’t want to think about it! DAMN these people sure know how to ruin everything…… minimizing his shit from my life has been amazing!

  • Minimizing his shit has truly been amazing! I’ve repainted every room, bought new furniture for the basement when he took the $5,000 couch… When I was cleaning, some of the family photos of him jumped into the shredder… including high school photos of him and his “band” that he was always talking about. He thought he was super cool. He’s a dickhead. Took me 31 years to figure it out.

  • I could have taught the master class! My Ex was being blackmailed by the first OW. She would tell me if he didn’t pay up! He paid her $6500 for her silence over the course of 6 months! Damn Skippy! So when she finally sent me a picture of his dick, he had stopped paying her, I found out about how generous he had been with “our” money. I moved into a new apartment, but not before I made him pay me $6500 to keep from telling all his friends and family what he had done. I figured if he was so easily blackmailed then I could play that game too! So I bought all brand new furniture with it! I got new everything at IKEA. I redecorated the whole apartment! My daughters and I had a great time. It was like Christmas! I was never so happy to walk away from all his heavy dark furniture of oak and leather. It was never my style. We got lots of white furniture. I even got a pink comfy chair with an ottoman. It’s a beautiful space to live in now and I smile every time I walk in the door!

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