Unspouse Your House?
HGTV has a new show out “Unspouse Your House” — remodeling post-breakup as therapy.
I’m totally onboard with this concept. Producers, call us. Chump Nation could give a master class.
Raise your hand if you bought new bed linens after D-Day? Extra credit if you burned the bed.
“What you think about what you deserve in your home has a lot to do with what you think your own value is.” — Orlando Soria.
Amen, Orlando!
Your Fun Friday Challenge is to tell CN what you changed in your home after leaving a cheater and how it made you feel.
What did you get rid of (besides a crap partner)?
Did you find any creative way to donate things?
Any mad goals about what to tackle next?
TGIF!
I painted the bedroom “Rock Gray.”
https://www.benjaminmoore.com/en-us/color-overview/find-your-color/color/1615/rock-gray?color=1615
I could find no shade called “Gray Rock”, so it’s the next best thing.
If I could have painted it “The Lying Twat is Gone,” I would have.
Hahahaha!
Those are all genius.
But of course the only colour chumps would paint any unspoused (deloused) room would be Mighty Freedom, which is whatever the fuck colour YOU WANT!!!!
YES! Made my day, MamaMeh. 🙂
Sold the night stands. He kept stuff from the OW in his. Since then, I’ve also replaced three couches, got new carpet, got a new rug, etc. Mostly at garage sales, but whatever.
Am thinking of smashing wedding china next.
If you’re artistic, and creative, you can use broken China to make a beautiful mosaic… wall art, table top? A great symbolic reminder that there’s art after a broken heart.
Nice color UX, going to pick up a sample this afternoon. I’ve been looking at paint colors. Wait a minute, I don’t need a sample, I need a gallon, a brush, and work on gaining my life.
Awesome topic today
I sold all the furniture and left him sleeping on the floor until house was sold.
hahahahaarhh choke!!!! So funny!
I thought about Mighty Blue, but thought Serene Green would be a more positive color.
I also painted my bedroom Sherwin Williams’ “Perfect Greyige” with a dark brown accent wall. Sold the bedroom furniture on Craigslist, and bought all new at IKEA. That’s where you shop for furniture when you’re paying legal bills. New mattress and bedclothes. Felt so good not to have that crap in my house.
Since then my fiancé and I have remodeled with eye toward selling once my kids are in college. Always feels good to change something about this house. I hope the show is a success and doesn’t ever showcase a cheater house.
Awesome!
i painted my bedroom gray too- and now thanks to you i’m going to use it as a way to remind me to keep grey rocking the pos!!! LOVE IT!
If you need an accent wall, you could go literal.
https://www.wall26.com/wall26-the-gray-modern-stone-wall-removable-wall-p-72379?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrpm809f64gIVhcpkCh3Xpgr2EAQYAyABEgISYPD_BwE
Haha, you have just chosen the color for my bathrooms, that is amazing!! (I already repainted my bedroom)
I have a 1970s split level with honey oak floors so gray was only an option if I redid all the wood. So I went with Elmira White, a gorgeous tone that looks warm or cool depending on accents. And I painted the entire house, all 3 floors in the same color, just different finishes depending on location. As finances allow, I’ve been buying all neutral furniture in different configurations like two smaller sofas instead of a large sofa and two chairs in my living room. The look is so different from the bold colors (walls and furniture) that ex chose. The best part is that I no longer picture him in MY house. It’s seamless and serene and like he’s never even lived there. I know Ex hates it. He told my daughter so.
I did just the opposite: painted bold colors everywhere after years of boring neutrals. My bedroom is purple, and my ex would hate it. That just makes me love it all the more
Me too. The idiot insisted everything should be off white or beige and complained about the small amount of colour I was “permitted”. Every room has colour now.
I painted my kitchen Worldly Gray. It’s wonderful : ) I painted the cabinets and trim White Dove…I have fallen in love with White Dove! It’s the perfect white.
I used Dove White for my trim too. Such a dreamy color.
My DIL said my bedroom looked bucolic and so peaceful, and yep, it is!
I googled that color and I love it. Going to use that everywhere!
UXWorld, I see a marketing opportunity for a whole new line of paint colors! Oh! the paint-names possibilities!
Whore red, not very bright but it’s cheap and spreads easy
Hilarious ????
Bonus points!!!
HAHAHA!
OMG I love it! TGIF!!
This is great! 🙂 lol
YES!!!!!
I sold “our” home and was able to buy another NEW house! The new place has no reminder of stbx!! New beginnings and MEH!
Way to go Buckeye! Here’s to MEH! and new beginnings! You inspired me to think back to my old life.
I let Spawn of Phlegm keep the “soiled” marital bed, and all of the house hold furnishings, but spontaneously I took the good blender with me ????
I bought my own new bed, a new mattress and lovely (high thread count) comfy sheets.
I sold all of the jewelry he gave me as it all had lost its value…literally…it was all worth less than he spouted (my friend is a jeweler…lol)
I saved for my own set of pots and pans, living room furniture, vacuum, my own power tools basically everything!
It has been 9 years now since I moved out of my marriage. I now have my own sweet little home that needs bits of TLC work, but it’s all mine.
I am so grateful for how my life’s direction “careened”. Through it I have learned to love myself, trust myself and be content with myself and my not so perfect but perfectly fine, life.
He married his co-worker as soon as we divorced. I recently saw them – I felt nothing but gratitude that he was no longer a part of my life.
I felt sorrow for her as she is under the impression he cares-I could see all the red flags that have always been there-I just couldn’t see them back then. Just like she can’t see them now – underneath the chameleon personality, he hasn’t changed at all and that’s bad but I have changed and grown so far past this and that’s great!
My X is going to Marry Miss Piggy next week. He kept our very expensive bedroom wedding set. It’s theirs now. Ick!
Just goes to show that not only are they unoriginal, they don’t have emotional attachment to people or things that a chump does.
How can he swap out one woman/wife for another in the bed our children were conceived in?
More colours for the Martha Stuart Cheater’s Home Collection:
Puppy Dink Pink. Think wall to wall shag carpet with black accent pieces.
Toss in mirrors and a heart shaped bed.
Puce…as in I drank so much I puked and pissed at the same time.
Taughty Titties Teal. As in the 1980’s colour of bride’s maid dresses. Suitable for all surfaces with accent colours in Cock-gobbler Gold and Yeasty Yellow.
Overcome…story sounds so similar…married the coworker shortly after the divorce. Before all the drama I had planned on updating my bathroom. Well, that was finally done prior to the divorce (but he had already moved out). After the divorce remodeled second bath. At some point I would like to redo my kitchen and possible relocate later
BetterDays, I hear you! Little by little, update this, update that ????
The kitchen remodel lost out to a trip to Portugal next summer… priorities!????
For the win!
Uh oh, I see myself distracted by this today .. . . (but who cares, it’s Friday)
How about, cover, I love Fred the recruiter on the wall of the stall in the women’s rest room at the Duncan donuts in some nameless town in PA. where they filmed the movie “The Mothman with Holly Hunter and Richard Geer, green, which I will cover in I love Richard Geer sticky notes, unless the rimor’s true that he was caught with a hamster up his ass. In that case, never mind.
Esther Pearl (FW 7009)
“A complex, disorienting shade inspired by the hazy afternoons of Antwerp, Esther Pearl creates a space where you’re constantly held in contempt, and where awareness of what we want to build for ourselves can be achieved only through deep understanding of the insolent and the perpetually libidinous.”
OMG, UX. I just squirted my coffee. Love this
The Leave a Cheater gain a Life paint collection!
Ooh, I’ll bite.
Gaslighting Green (a pukey shade of chartreuse)
Blameshifting Blue (fluorescent and highly distracting)
Sad Sausage Scarlet
Fuckwit Flax (initially looks tasteful but is inherently boring once in your home)
Sparkly Sepia–brown with flecks of glitter (think sparkly turd)
Projection Purple (changes colour depending on what you’re thinking)
Philanderer Pink (to match with Sad Sausage Scarlet)
No Contact Noir (a darker shade of Grey Rock)
Compartmentalised Crimson (comes out in square blocks of completely different double lives oops I mean colours)
But fuckwit flax is still my favourite. You can get it with sparkles too but they fade out within 3 months.
LOL! 🙂
The first thing I did was buy new linens. New sheets, pillows, blankets, towels. All in the colors/ patterns I like. Then repainted and new curtains. I have slowly made my way through the entire house. There is very little here that HE picked out. In fact, during his final walk-through. He told my attorney that the house looked really nice. Due to finances, the furniture is slowly being replaced. But just repainting one room can make such a difference. I started with the master bedroom. He was so controlling and had to have his way about everything. No more..this house is finally MINE.
This is what I am trying to do, and every small thing I do makes me feel a little bit more like I’m reclaiming my identity.
I replaced all the pictures with him in and gave him a bag full of them and our wedding albums.
Recently got a carpet in the lounge, which he’d hate and now looking at redecorating the kitchen in a bright colour.
I like the thought of him peering in and feeling like he never existed in the house.
One of my close friends has gotten rid of everything over time. She has sold and donated stuff. Her house is just about empty. All of the furniture, anything they received as wedding presents, what they bought together, pictures but they had no kids. She has said it is helping her in healing and starting a new life. Not everyone can afford to do this or has the time to do this! No one should feel bad because you kept things. It is a personal choice.
Yes. Not everyone has the means to replace everything or even the inclination.
At the time, I was able to replace linens and towels, I got rid of bedframe and couch. I’ve removed anything material that had a strong memory attached.
The easiest first thing to do though, I put all the photos, memorabilia, love notes, wedding paraphernalia etc into a bag and boxed it up in the garage to deal with at a later stage.
I burned the handmade and embroidered quilt my mother made us as a wedding gift. It was all in colors he chose, his name was first on the embroidery ( FW & SSSF, date 1997). I realized I could never rest or relax or feel okay sleeping under that.
And yes, I know my mother made it. not only is she a narcissist, but her marriage advice to me was “Always cherish FW. Make him feel like the most important person in your life.”
I know how sick that sounds now, but at 21, it seemed both reasonable and possible.
That blanket sounds like a Horcrux.
LOL!!!!!!! Find and eliminate all horcruxes. ❣️ #ChallengeAccepted ????????????????????????????
I was thinking the same thing! ????????
You read my mind! ⭐
I wish you would have donated that quilt to an animal shelter or rescue. They desperately need stuff like that.
Chumps please think about what you can donate. Some of these places need it badly and it is a way to help.
For animals rescue we need blankets, beddings, towels, bowls. Please check with Foster and adoptive care who sometimes needs furniture and beds. Thanks.
Gentle, my in-laws were unexpectedly and exceptionally cruel to me.
I still feel a sort of panic when I remember the day I went to pick up my things at the family co-shared weekend house (I was married and part of the family for 38 year!) and my BIL started yelling that I had never done anything for the family, never paid any bills, never helped anyone. Freud would have a field day because the truth is exactly the opposite.
Well after that outburst they left and spent the weekend alone there and waited for Monday. I called the municipal social services and a truck came and took everything that I had ever put into to the collective house: microwave, washing machine, plates, pans, linens, cushions, pillows, mattresses…. I heard that they and fuckwit were furious! But I made a lot of poor people happy.
Please, the last thing a chump needs is more guilt. She had to burn the thing. I know I burned some stuff the mil made for us. It was impulsive, I must admit, but liberating. I was not thinking about anyone’s well being but my own at the time, and I’ve worked and still volunteer at my local animal shelter. I also donated a lot of stuff. It’s a balance. Chumps are naturally generous anyways.
I took a hammer to several Xmas ornaments. Boy did I feel mighty! And no guilt whatsoever. I took 4 cards loads of stuff to the donation center.
Geode thanks for mentioning this. It reminds me I need to sanitize the Christmas ornament selection before actual decorating day this December for my sake and the kiddos.
She needed to burn that. As for donations, I’m sure she could find other blankets and towels to fill the bill and donate.
Have donated much—including the wedding dress and veil—but sometimes burning, no matter how wasteful it might seem to others, is exactly the move we need to make.
More on that below.
Nope. If she needed to burn it, then burning it was the right thing to do. Don’t make someone feel guilty for doing what they needed to do to get through this.
Haha! I’ve been following Orlando for years on Instagram and Facebook before that. I knew he would do great things. Not only is he creative and talented, he is so kind and empathetic. He grew up as the son of the park dentist at Yosemite!!! How cool is that? Anyway, I remember his latest break up and how distraught he was about the fact that they had just redone this fabulous condo in Hollywood. He put all of his best talents and skills together to let his light shine. One day, recently, I was perusing Instagram and my friend’s daughter’s feed popped up. There she was in a studio with Orlando. I was gobsmacked! I quickly messaged her to see that gives. She works for a PR firm in Seattle and they were representing someone who was working with him. Ha! Seven degrees of separation. Anyway, his career has taken off and it just goes to show you that if you focus on your own good life and get you mind off of the fuckwit of your old dreams, wonderful things can happen.
He took the bed and the TV. I got everything else. Most of it was in bad shape, and I’ve worked over the past several years replacing it a little bit at a time. I’ve donated what was useful, and some I’ve kept because I bought it for myself anyway. It was a nice thing to realize that I was the one who made it a home. He took what was important to him and I got what was important to me, my kids. I just got to order my new living room furniture, and I’m done replacing!!!
It’s been wonderful to make this place MY home.
My ex sat on his a** in our sunroom daily. After he left I actually paid money for someone to remove the too big for the room couch. I ripped up the carpet, took down the vertical blinds and stripped the wallpaper myself. Then I saved for months fir a new vinyl wood floor, chairs, a desk and plant holders. I still have to paint but it’s currently my favorite room in the house completely cleansed of him.
Also I saged the sh*t out of the house! And put crystals above the door that block negative energy from entering. Not sure if it works, but I’m covering all my bases.
I burned sage a lot the first couple years too, and lit white candles frequently. Sometimes, I would burn black candles — both are for dispelling negative energy.
In addition to the sage (the first year I did monthly) and crystals, I put black salt outside my home. It’s all Charmed up in here 🙂
i also used black salt on all my doorways, the 2 gates in the back and the sidewalk in the front. i used what was left over in the actual street where wasband would park his vehicle… .. since i put that down he never came over again in 3 years until just recently and he was extremely uncomfortable the whole time he was here.. ..
i said a charm/prayer with it but i wish i could remember what it was. because it worked so well. ..
I used sage as well. I still do a house blessing every winter solstice (which in Year One, happened right after D-Day).
Sage: At the end of the summer gardening season one year, I cut some sage and hung it up to dry inside the house. On March 21 of the next year, I (somewhat crazed from being virtually housebound for those hard winter months) lit the branches of sage and ran through my house. I say “ran” because I hadn’t made a bundle of the branches, so flaming leaves fell off everywhere. My therapist laughed wildly when I shared this story with her and told me that it’s safer and more customary to use a bundle. My house smelled great, and I felt as if it had been purged of all that bad mojo.
I saged the hit out it place. Home grown and dried in earlier years.
Made me happy.
i moved into my new place, and i have pretty much replaced anything that came from our old home together- it is 99% my stuff only! It was a huge part of moving forward! i want nothing that came from him- the few pieces that i still have i plan on replacing in the next 2 years. I want no trace of him!
OH! Besides the house switch outs, I’m seriously considering selling a ring he bought me as a ‘Please forgive me, but I’m going to do it again.’ present.
Do it, go out and buy drinks for some attractive and fun men with that money.
Jackass never actually lived here. That was just something I kept in mind when I furnished the house–that he might someday live here. So I tried to make it less girly and “personal.” But D-Day changed all that. I put up what I loved. New art work. A cabbage rose duvet cover for summer. I made a gallery wall of my own photos. I bought a new table to put in front of the big corner window, so the cats can look outside. I’m still changing things–about to buy a new sofa better suited to how I live. New pillows for the wicker porch set, new window coverings in the bathroom. What I learned is that my house is MY HOUSE. And now I don’t have to please anyone else when I decorate it.
My good friend smudged my bedroom. It was fun . . . and cathartic. The ritual was successful in helping me to feel that my bedroom is now truly MINE.
https://www.thespruce.com/how-to-smudge-your-house-1274692
thank you for the link 🙂
even though my cheater never lived with me, I am going to do this to my new flat when i move in in a few months to clear the bad juju from the bed, my mind and so on.
xx
Lillian, I should have read this before I almost torched my house with the flaming sage! Thanks for the link.
I got rid of any wedding gifts/ photos on display, then I looked around and realized that it was all my things/selections in the house. He was never really here all along.
Paula,
Same here and he even told me that our home never felt like home to him. You gotta live in a house to make it a home stupid!
I think I scared any bad behavior out of my children because I started emptying the basement of stuff the moment he removed his last load of what was his.
I made endless trips up and down the stairs filling the empty space in our two car garage with things to donate. A wonderful friend came and loaded up her car with stuff I had and then I took loads every time I know I would be passing an ARC store.
It was a very healing process for me and helped put all that negative energy to good use.
As far as I am concerned – it is my house now and all that remains reminds me of my children – all of whom did spend countless hours here growing up making it their home.
Don’t have the $$$ to make any changes although I was very tempted by the wide array of paint colors mentioned at the beginning of this ‘list’.
Thanks to all who contributed. You all really made me laugh.
Something I didn’t use to do but find myself doing more of as time rolls past Dday, months of pick-me-dancing and finalized divorce.
Same here!
While we shopped for everything together and he always told me to buy what I liked, I found out after DDay that his “real” taste was completely different. I’ve moved several times and kept true to my own style…clearly it was my style all along.
I found needy families to give away pieces I couldn’t keep (too big). Made me so happy to see how grateful the recipients were to receive the pieces!
I kept a few things he gave me that I loved. Why get rid of something that gave me joy to look at?
The funniest piece I kept is a beautiful hand-crafted, colorful Day of the Dead piece of art. He didn’t speak Spanish but knew I would like it when he gave it to me years before DDay.
He had no idea it said “Skeletons in my closet”.
Cracks me up whenever I look at it!
I painted the main part of the house a lovely peaceful green. The ex refused to let me repaint for years…said paint irritated his sinuses. Two weeks after I got him out, I put up textured wallpaper and painted. Much nicer than the previous dreary light grey.
Next I painted the bedroom that he had taken over. I swear, there were yellow stains on the ceiling…not sure what that was, or how he got that up there. I painted all 4 walls, the ceiling, all of the trim, and cleaned the hardwood floor. Took three months to finish the bedroom since i had to clear the rest of his garbage out there before I could even paint.
I am still working on other rooms, but my house is so much brighter and cleaner without him here. And the mystery smell is gone…..partially because he is out, and because of the amount of bleach and other cleaners I have had to use to remove his remaining “funk”.
I must have been subconsciously regaining my power before we split. I was never “allowed” to paint the house (inside and out) anything other than white. A year before the final day, I painted the exterior of the home a dark grey/green color while he was working. The neighbors loved it! After he left I got a new bed, donated all the furniture he chose and now I’m working room by room to change our home for the kids and I to the exact opposite of what the controller wanted.
I threw his pillows in the garbage cans the very next day and they were in the city landfill three days later. This was my first act in disposing him from my life. That memory just makes me smile. (He loooved his pillows!) One year later, he asked our daughter (adult) if she could get them for him. Nutcases…the whole lot of them!
Yes! There was this awful squishy pillow he liked to sleep with but didn’t take for some reason. I threw it at the end of the bed on a bench for a while and finally threw away and it felt great! Also I reclaimed the side of the bed I gave up when we got together.
Say whaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttt?!?!!
OMG, he actually asked for his pillows back?!?! ???????????????? Like you were snuggling with them every night?!? Not.
One thing exh2/The Evil One made sure to take when he left was all of his bedding and clothes. He left behind a few, but I burned them.
I did exactly this – every thing and i do mean everything beds / sofas/ carpets/rugs / bedding/ towels / plates/ pans/ spoons everything he ever touched is out ( stored in shed and friends garage )
I decorated from top to bottom new flooring everything .
I binned all my underwear and nightwear – bought everything new and he will never see me in it .
If he used it or touched it , its binned just like him !
When I split from XH the substance abuser, I gave him the contents of the house, other than those items I brought to the marriage or that had sentimental meaning for me. I bought everything new and I’ve never regretted it.
The ex and I built a house together. When he left me he told me that the house was all I would get I the divorce, because he had planned to leave me before we even started the build. It was a long planned discard and the house was supposed to be my consolation prize.
The place drove me nuts because everything about it reminded me of his unkindness and spite. Not a room in the house had been finished (to lazy to care) and what decor was up was my attempt to make him happy.
I sued his sorry ass (thanks to the help of one of the mistresses), sold the house a month after he signed owership over to me and bought a new place that suited me. The owner was moving overseas and had decent taste and he left lots of things in my new place and I built on that. So really everything except for family heirlooms, kids pictures, and beloved books is new (to me)!
Uni I get it. I went to the extreme of immediately moving to another state and renting a small place to figure things out (newly retired so I could go anywhere). I realized everything in our home was his idea from art to the entire build out of the place. I had bought one painting that I had shipped to me and walked out on anything and everything he had touched or made the decision to purchase. Come to find out my one painting I kept is turning out to be the most valuable of anything we had. I started off all new. Bought a home of my choosing and it came fully furnished with beautiful furnishings that I love. Best thing I ever did was walk away from anything that he had anything to do with. 45 years together but now that it has been 2.5 years post D day I am living my best life ever!!
Mine had long planned a discard and consolation prize house…the one he chose was a horrible idea. 2 days after looking at the house, Dday struck. I stayed in the old house until 18 months later and he bought a wreckonsillyation house “I bought this for you” he said to me…then he rode my ass every day from the moment we moved in until he died that he wanted to move and I was forcing him to live there. He referred to the house and town as “A Hell Hole of Horror”. One day I told him “The ‘Hell Hole of Horror’ is between your ears”.
The HHoH house is actually nice although it dropped in value in the 2008 crash and has never regained the loss. I stay here pretty much because I want to. I think there would be benefits of moving on, but I love the yard and a few corners of the house.
My BFF and fellow chump advised me to get new linens and move the bedroom & living room furniture around so that the space would look and feel different. After 19 years of marriage, it was 100% wonderful to not have to negotiate with the Rev Cheaterpants about making changes to the house. It was very liberating and empowering and a first step to realizing that the rest of my life could go in completely new directions from what I thought it was going to be.
First, new bed linens, and new decor throughout the house. Painted my ENTIRE house interior walls a new color, painted my front door PINK! Next thing to do is put his god awful recliner out by the road for the trash to pick up. May even burn it!
On the other side of the divorce happily on the way to meh. I moved twice, stored two huge storage rooms after clearing up 30 years of cheater hoarding. Over 200 hours of labor cleaning and organizing, donating and dumping. Thought I would miss items, I imagine a side reaction to loosing your marriage, but I simply do not.
I gave him our bed because ewwww. I bought new furniture in a lovely shade of aqua and I have filled my home with the vintage finds that I love (and he loathed). I removed all Legos (he was a fan and he and Ho-worker build sets together all the time).
I hung curtains in my bedroom that have pompoms. They are cute and fun and they make me smile.
I have started painting again (because of meh) and I will fill my home with artwork of my own creation.
I discovered my crafty and artistic side after he left.
I make wreaths and started going to a paint studio for wine and paint nights.
No my house is full of creative things that I’ve done.
????♥️
He took pretty much all the furniture except my writing desk. All the cards, presents, pictures of us went into a box and given to him. He texted me, “Wow, I guess your pretty much done with everything about me, huh?” No shit, Sherlock. That’s what a divorce means. Hope he enjoys living with the leftovers of the life we built. Me, I wanted nothing of that life, because I got the only part that mattered. My kids.
I donated my wedding dress that I had previously heirloom preserved to a thrift store, as well as my preserved wedding bouquet and dried flowers that had been put behind glass by a florist and were always on display at my home. I switched from a king sized bed to a double. I ripped up a 16x 20 wedding portrait but kept the frame for something better inside. I broke the minnie and mickey bride and groom cake topper in half, threw away the groom and saved the bride but recently I threw her away, too. I donated all my wedding crystal and sold my formal china. The wedding stuff had to go because I didn’t need anything around remind me of broken vows. I have been tossing out furniture and all kinds of excess, partly to open up the possibility of mobility as I consider selling the house but also just to work on a less cluttered environment since my mind is still very cluttered inside. The environmental changes represent the changes I am working on in my own thinking.
My wedding dress is going to a group of ladies that make burial gowns for stillborn babies next time I go to the UK.
As someone who has had a stillbirth, I was sitting in the hospital holding his body and crying, and the nurse gave me a beautiful box with a handmade gown and booties that someone like you had made and donated. It was so meaningful to me, to give this baby that final gesture. I was grief stricken and sick and had no money or ability to give him that, so it meant a lot to me. I was able to do that for him before the hospital took him to be cremated.
what a terrible tragedy you have endured. It sounds like the outfits that get made add a tiny glimmer of something not-horrific to the worst day of a person’s life, sincere condolences on the loss of your son.
I am so very sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your beautiful baby boy. Please know that you are in my thoughts and giant hugs everyday to you for that horrible experience you went through.❤️❤️❤️❤️
Boudicca, I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy.
I tried to donate to Angel Gowns but every group I found was not taking anymore dresses due to having a surplus. I love the idea of donating for that purpose. The thrift store I gave my dress to supports people recovering from chemical dependency, which was a fitting match for the demise of my marriage.
We have that here in Australia, called Angel Gowns. My BFF and fellow chump donated her wedding dress and the 4 outfits that came from it were truly beautiful.
I threw out bedroom furniture/new dining room/new linens for bed/painted whole house/renovated my kitchen/$1400 to 1 800 got junk just emptying out garage/got rid of his shit even if it was in good shape.
I can now breathhhhhhheeeeeeee in MY HOUSE!
I moved out and I’m getting rid of everything I had in my former marriage. One thing I’d like to point out is to donate it to a charity. They will come over and pick up couches,etc. and you get a nice tax write off. Who knows someone could get your stuff that really needed it and be thankful.
Rented a dumpster and purged SO much. Tossed every photo. Bought all new linens, towels, and pots and pans. Yeah, I spent too much, but it is worth it knowing my coffee cups never touched his mouth, his sweaty a$$ was never on my couch (hand me down from my son!) and that he’s never been in my peaceful new apartment.
Bleached every wall and doorframe to get his fingerprints gone. His smudgy prints were everywhere and I hated evidence he had been there.
The rest was at the time constrained by cash but now replacing the bathroom and kitchen this summer. 🙂 Happy Happy.
Oh, man, you brought back a memory. Ex used to somehow grease up and dirty the handrail on the stairs. I was forever having to wash it to keep it clean, and wondering wtf he did with his hands to get it that dirty. I was over there recently (for the last time, hooray!) and saw that it’s a muddy looking grey (it’s painted white); in a year and a half he’s not washed it once, apparently. One more thing I don’t miss!
For being together 19 years, we had bought very little furniture. We always had hand-me-down kitchen table and chairs from his mother. He only wanted to spend money on his stuff – never stuff for the house.
I took the family room furniture, kitchen set and that’s it. My bookshelf, bed, bedroom suite and another dresser came from my family, and I had them all before we were married.
There’s nothing that reminds me of him.
I moved out of the trash hole he put the kids and I into… he refused to spend anything extra on his family but the bare minimum, ( he made 80,000+ a year) so we had a house that was supposed to be condemned before he moved us in there.. so his side pieces could have nice lingerie and steak dinners… I moved the kids and I into a house that didn’t have rats, the floors didn’t have holes and the windows kept the weather outside, nothing of his or of our wedding came with us, I finally got a king bed that I wanted for 20 years, all my furniture, and decorations I scoured for at thrift stores and yard sales and bought with glee that he couldn’t yell at me for wasting his money making my house a home. That asshole has never set foot in my home and never will he.
Just about everything in my house came from CraigsList! The only new things now are linens and groceries!!
I am in the middle of KonMari-ing my house.
On 06/17/2019, everything DumbAss left behind became legally mine.
My local charity shop just got a nice donation of a gaming computer.
It is a blessing to pick up miscellaneous garbage and saying, “NO, this DOES NOT spark joy” and sending it away.
“Unspouse Your House” cuts both ways, because I was the one who moved out.
So I unspoused myself, and got a new place to live, one that has no associations with him at all. It’s a rental, but I have made it my own, and yes, one of the most satisfying things I did was to find new bed linens. At a local thrift store I found sheets that someone had apparently had packed away for twenty years, because they were displayed for sale with the creases in them showing they’d been pulled from the package to hang for sale; they are the exact same pattern as sheets I’d had way back when, and that I absolutely loved. They are patterned to look like Monet’s “Water Lillies,” and putting them on the bed and sleeping in them made me feel as hopeful and optimistic as I had when I first slept in them so many years ago.
My ex? He’s living in the house he never paid any attention to in any way, leaving all the upkeep, monitoring for repairs, all agitating for and then arranging for remodeling and repairs, all gardening, all yardwork except mowing–everything (including often paying out of my own money)!–to me. He thought he’d feel so free of me, so happy to make the house his, but a year and a half after I moved out, seven months out from the divorce, he’s now decided to sell it because “it’s too much work and too expensive.”
I moved out of house the horder had crammed with all his layers of crap. I lost “my” house, but gained MY rental. Its clean, neat, spacious. I can open all the doors fully and walk down the hallway without having to slide sideways. I can throw something away without having to defend my decision and watch it get pulled back out of the garbage and stashed into the horde. I can choose what I do or don’t want on the walls, how the furniture is arranged, and whether I can eat that last piece of whatever. I can have something actually fixed -correctly, without duct tape or haphazardly placed screws.
The woman who he had lined up to be the next wife appliance fled the scene barely 6 months after she moved in and nary a replacement to be conned to take over 4 years later. Gee can’t understand why. Poor schlub.
Yep they’re lazy bastards aren’t they!
Threw out wedding album, any pictures of just he & I ( saved ones with our son in them) bought new linens, any tools he used, recycled. Sold my engagement ring to pay for new flooring. Hoping to someday get to meh after 34 years of a marriage to a cheating narcissist . ????
Oh also New Mattress! ????????
My new used home is free from trophies animal heads to dust and recover from when they fall on you and take a chunk out of your arm (elk) The new bed stead and mattress is gone, all the bedding, and most all else . My home has been painted with peaceful tranquil colors , no dark panaling. I will have photos of the kids , but without him, those occassions when he was there but distant due to being on the cell phone with a fuck buddy. My yard will have rolled sod, something he never wanted me to have, and the yard will be small enough to easily maintain with a select berm of plants I thoughfully planted. I am rebuilding not only my invironment but all in my life. Removed from cheaterpants!
The Dickhead is a hunter and, for many years, shared the living room with all his mounts, mainly deer. After the divorce, I vowed that I will never eat another piece of deer as long as I live.
I gave him the mattress. And peed on it several days before. That asparagus was delish.
That ????is????awesome????!!!
????????????????????????????????????
Freaking awesome!!!
That’s GREAT.
You absolutely win the internet for today!
OMG????????????
Nice touch the asparagus!
I L-O-V-E my new house.
By coincidence its in the neighborhood of my parents, so when I see my father walking their dog, I get a rush of joy. Its just out of downtown, but because of parkland, deer often come up the street and there’s an eagle’s nest on my block!
I made the fence, I’m planting flowers. I’ll be doing a deck and retaining wall. Its all mine to play with.
Lovely and peaceful. I’m a birder and never get tired of seeing an eagle.
“ It’s so fine and yet so terrible to stand in front of a blank canvas.” – Paul Cezanne
It’ll be worth the effort.
Oh this is a fun one! I bought him out of the house( funny how banks don’t want to lend money to a deadbeat loser). Sold it 3 months later for $250k more than he was paid out on( thanks to a crazy blip in the market). Bought the house I wanted and renovated it completely. I got rid of the bedroom furniture( rancid cheater stuff) bought new furniture and linens the evil pos never touched.. priceless!!! Money is very tight but it’s all mine!!
In this big 6 bedroom house, there are only 5 pieces of furniture left from the former life. One of them is the sofa that geriatric dog sleeps on which will be purged (along with its wingchair mate) when sweet geriatric dog goes to Heaven.
The day I learned of the serial cheating, I took down the family portrait in the front hall and stomped down to the basement screaming “fuck”s all along the way.
Cheater chose and made the decision to buy this house. It was a bad idea for a few reasons but his life insurance paid it off and the market for upscale houses is still really deflated in this area…if I sold this beautiful home on fabulous lot and moved into a smaller house, I would pay like $50-$80K less but have 1/8 of the land and 1/2 the house. Newhusband also had a butt-ton of personal belongings as he was single a long time before we married. So here we stay.
So we have had fun redoing the house…not systematically, but rather randomly as we found fabulous antiques here and there. This house is my investment but OUR HOME.
I had my masterbath ripped out (down to the studs) and redone before I remarried and after they did all the demo, I had the construction guys put my mattress on top of the whole mess as it rolled to the dump. Cheater had bought that weeks before our wedding…the only mattress we ever had. Watching it roll away on the trash was surreal.
When I redid the bath, I doubled the sq footage by absorbing a weird, useless space next to it creating a big, wonderful palace if a bathroom. New husband had a lovely antique European armoire his XW had left behind. She made terrible life decisions, but has great taste in furniture. It looks fabulous in my bathroom.
Yay!!! Someone else’s trash is someone news treasure!!! Enjoy!!! ♥️????????
I went with The Great Purge.
I was abandoned on April 6th. On April 23rd an auction house came and picked up every single thing in the house of any size at all, 30 years of accumulation. Every single stick of furniture, tools, recreation equipment, excess dishes except for a few basics, just everything. I kept a single chair that I considered ‘mine’ that he never used. I decided if I couldn’t lift it, I wasn’t bringing it with me to my new life.
Small stuff the auction house would not take was donated, including my wedding dress. I kept most of my clothes but a lot of those went too. I kept my daughters’ keepsakes and those small precious things. Everything else was gone. I made dozens of trips to the dump in my SUV lined with a tarp. Several in-home pick ups from charitable organizations, box after box after bag of stuff just handed over.
It was really the best thing for me. It was a huge amount of work to sort out each item and enormous heartbreak going through the things we shared as a family (like camping gear) and the memories they brought. It had to be done. The exhausting efforts to purge everything as well as fix up that huge house all by myself kept me from suicide. I ran myself ragged. Of course the X Asshat could not be bothered with doing any of that work, of course. And when he showed up 2 months after his discard for a final walk through, he cried. Not sure why, don’t fucking care.
I moved into an apartment for 6 months while the house was being sold and divorced finalized and then bought my own adorable home. It is full of MY things. MY choices. MY comforts. Fuckwits are not permitted here. He would not like this house which makes it even more perfect.
I also sold my car about the same time and bought one that I had never cried in.
Highly recommended. It is just stuff.
I wish I could afford to sell the car he picked for me when we separated( he was a car dealer and I paid for it). But the need to not have car payments outweighs my desire to change it.
OMGosh – this is great…. I just told my “coach” that I have “de-Johned” the house and am down to one fucking box…. and that one is in the shed. it’s taken 4 years. But I feel so MUCH lighter and it’s MY house now!
1st thing was the master bedroom, move the furniture around I wanted to keep, ripped the erotic wall hangings of us (which were everywhere), painted the room a beautiful light yellow with white trim and started hanging up farmhouses and my beloved black and white pictures of horses. I love coming home now… it has been a struggle, but I can I am at the gate of the mighty land of meh, and I didn’t think I would get here. The journey was a long fucking walk with my heart bleeding most of the way.
Chump nation has been here the entire time with uplifting, funny and serious stories, because most of the shit has happened to me. Tracy calls it with the bullshit translator and THAT my friends has been the best therapy there is. Sometimes it smacked me upside the head and said “what are you thinking”, oh that’s right you have been conditioned…. Not any more!
Thank you Mrs. Tracy. You are a life saver.
My ex-husband was abusive in addition to being a cheater. I left with what I could carry. I didn’t even own a car any more, so I rented one and drove a thousand miles to start over in an entirely new city. (Did I mention that I’m 63?) All that I have (except some nice jewelry) are things I have chosen for myself. Last night, while cleaning out my tote bag in preparation for starting a new job, I found a stash of birthday and anniversary cards from him. They went straight into the trash . . . anything that was written in them was a lie anyway. After just one month of No Contact, I am able, finally, to do that. When I have a few paychecks under my belt, I will have the rings made over into something I choose. Then he will be completely gone. Well, except that he chose the dog’s name.
You are a boss!!!
Good luck and kudos to you for you and your dog’s new life!!!
Congratulations on getting to safety and freedom and taking the dog with you. I love it.
Did you take the dog with you then? I have a wonderful mental image of you and the dog in your get-away car. You are badass.
After DDay, every friend, colleague, or a family member who entered the halfway finished project house I lived in for years while he “earned money to fix up the place,” was given a sharpie and told to write whatever positive affirmation they wanted on the walls. I needed their words of support, even in their absence.
Firefucker came into the house while I wasn’t at home and decided to write his own in my, for the first time in eons, positive space.
“You are loved.”
I was crushed; it was as if he poisoned the one thing pushing me to keep going in a house of bad memories and ghosts of his lies. My mom came over the next day, looked at it, scoffed, without a word went to my sharpie can and wrote under it,
“BY PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!”
Not only did it make me feel better, but it pissed him something fierce, as he half assed tried to scribble it out with a fine tipped pen, then gave up a third of the way in. A fitting metaphor of how he can’t finish anything he starts, and he can’t hid the truth. Hope he enjoyed Killzing all that once I had my cash and was out of that dump.
I love this!!!
Your mom is awesome!!!
LOL @ ex trying to erase positives. What a buffoon ????????
I love your mom.
She does know best.
Love this!!!
“Hope he enjoyed Killzing all that once I had my cash and was out of that dump.”
Bwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaa! You are mighty, RaesOfChumpshine!
I highly recommend leaving the “marital home”. Many women cling to it because it’s where they brought home their babies and raised their children. It’s also where D-day happened. It’s also where bad memories and lies happened. Onward and Upward for all of us chumps.
I took the kids and moved to a different house. As far as I was concerned, I was escaping the scene of the crime. And I’m pretty sure he never brought the OW to the house until after we separated. In this case the “crime” was all of the verbal and emotional abuse of me and the kids.
I threw away all of my sexy lingerie. I got new bedroom furniture. In fact, I eventually got almost all new furniture. I had a pair of champagne glasses that were engraved with our names and the date of the wedding and ceremonially broke them after the divorce was final. I still have the dining room table and the piano from the marriage, and that’s just about it. In 2 months it will have been 10 years since I told him to leave. I think it’s time to get rid of that table. I’ll probably keep the piano. It was mine, not his.
Oh yah, all that black scratchy lingerie, my Pick Me Dance uniform from OW#1, went straight into the trash. First thing gone.
Ugh, you too? Why did I do it? One of the hardest things to forgive myself for.
he had been sleeping in a different room for quite some time and it was a pigsty with 2 liter vodka bottles for decoration. A realtor said the room smelled “funky and indeed it did.. The day he moved out which was the day after I bought him out for cash, quit claimed, in this empty room, I scrubbed every square inch of that room, ceiling, waalls, windows, blinds, removed vent covers and draped long wet soapy sheets down the vents, swishing it around, the closet, the doors every single surface, corner, removed the light covers and vacuumed placing in new foam filters. The funker along with his smell, gone. Then many other changes.
What is it with cheaters and stinking rooms up? Mine’s room reeked. Maybe it’s the evil seeping from their pores.
I got rid of absolutely everything. Had a huge yard sale, sold everything the children and I weren’t taking with us. I cut up my bed and put it in the dumpster all the while he drove by my yard sale numerous times and would comments about “ he couldn’t believe I was getting rid of “ our” things. I offered for him to take what he wanted but his response was @ his gf wouldn’t want it or he would take it”. I packed my car up rented some pods packed them and moved 800 miles away.
I generously offered the marital bed to Asshat once he had movers lined up. He thought he was getting one up one me. Nope. I bought a new bed, linens and comforter with marital money (why the f not??!!) I have a beautiful bed that is all mine.
I also painted ALL of my rooms different shades of gray. For real. My teen thought it was a nod to 50 Shades of Gray which Asshat had a rage text about that. But, I love @Uxworld’s take on Gray Rock. Every room will now remind me how wonderful life is without an Asshat and Gray Rock for the win!!
I was feeling bitter when he left that I was left to take down all the pictures and mementos of our marriage, but my best friend told me I was going to love the process and boy was she right! Talk about Unspouse your House! I removed or replaced all the photos with him in them. He noticed immediately and made mention that I “removed” him from the house so quickly. Damn right sucker! When he moved I had given him one day to get all his stuff out-he texted me late in the day to say it was hard to pack up 13 years of stuff in one day. Oh cry me a river baby! I scoured through the house the next day and gathered up everything he forgot and put it in a garbage bag to give to him. He obsessed over a set of copper pots and pans on a hanging rack in the kitchen. He wanted them and I told him he could have half the set. He came by to pick up some stuff and asked again if he could grab them and I said “Take whatever shit you want-just leave me my kids.” He left without them because I think he was embarrassed to have the kids see him walk out the door with our pots & pans. Idiot.
He left in February the day I got to 10 weeks into my pregnancy to be with his hoeworker. He sent this in a text message while I was at work, he works nights so he wasn’t there when I got home. First thing I did was pack up his clothes in garbage bags and took them down to the run down POS car he had me driving, drove to the shop he works at and threw the keys to the POS car at him so I could take the new car I had just bought (and was financed all in just my name, everything was because I was the breadwinner in our relationship). I flipped off the hoeworker, took my new car to the hardware store and changed the locks to my home.
Then I gave his pillows and his favorite blankets to the cat for her bed, she hated it so I donated them.
I just moved into my gorgeous new apartment. I got new linens for the bed. I’m working on new bathroom decor while I get the baby’s room ready for her. I left all of his crap inboxes at the old place. I waddled in to his work, flipped off the hoeworker again and threw the key to the apartment at him told him he has until the end of the month to get his crap or it will all get tossed out by maintenance.
I’m having fun setting things up my way. Most of what is left is either my family heirlooms or things I purchased for the home that made me happy. I dont need him or his dead weight. I have my daughter to look forward to.
Damn, girl, you’re a badass mamma.jamma!!!
Many blessings to you and your baby girl!!!
Super impressed! Strong mama to be!
You are a true inspiration. And a badass woman. Good luck with your new little one. She sure is lucky.
You are a BADASS.
Thank you! I wouldn’t be in this mental space if it wasn’t for this blog. This place has reminded me of who I am and what I can do.
You rock mama. She will be great to have such a strong woman to model herself after.
Thank you so much! I cant wait to meet her and show her what life is really all about. There’s a lot of incredibly strong, beautiful women in my family and in my life, she will get to know what real love and life is all about. Fuckwit’s family has all disowned him for his disgusting actions and lies, so she still gets to have them around too. It’s going to be a real rising from the ashes.
God, you’re incredible. Good luck with your birth and your gorgeous baby. As someone who was raised by a collection of fierce women- let me tell you she’s going to be just fine. It was that collection of fierce women that gave me the strength to end things immediately on D-Day. I was taught I was worth more.
You are worth more. We all are worth more. I was raised with core values. Honor, integrity, dedication, respect, but mostly with love. I refuse to live a life and show my daughter anything less because she deserves better than anything he could ever offer her. We all deserve that better life. But not the fuckwit’s, they can rot.
I first repainted my bedroom even before he left the house because at that time he was refusing to. I bought new sheets, new pillows for the bed, and hung some art above the bed that he previously refused to have in the bedroom.
I’ve cleaned and smudged the house like crazy. This past weekend I painted my deck because it was in much need of some TLC. I’ve learned to mow the lawn and do all the yard work, and created 5 new garden beds this year. The house looks a million times better now without him in it for so many reasons. Up next I’m going to repaint 2 bathrooms!
I had many of these wooden figurines, all of which the cheating ex gave me as gifts.
In a definitively narcissistic move, he gave me two of them twice (both of couples embracing), because he did not remember having given them already, even though they were displayed throughout the house.
They burned interestingly, and I have series of artsy photos of them licked by flames and turning to ash.
Like every gift he ever gave me, they were given with little thought, and while he was sleeping with assorted subordinates.
Burning them was a cleansing ritual.
It’s summer solstice now, so a good time for feeding things to a bonfire for anyone so inclined. ????
I was so pathetic the only thing I did was throw one of his dealer plates in our pond. I still regret not selling his $7000 tool station and his tools( bought when we were basically going bankrupt).
https://youtu.be/RZ_gLHfP5yA
Throwing also good, as in this favorite scene from Dead Poets Society.
I saw this program and thought it was brilliant. A friend of mine recently decided to move on because she found her husband’s secret cell phone, and she owns her home. It took a minute, but she did kick cheating as out. Initially, she was pretty bummed out, but once she got over the sadness, she did repaint her living room pink, which she had been wanting to do for years, and got the linen and wall art to match. I was really proud of her!
https://intheknowwithro.blogspot.com/2019/05/say-what.html
Fuckup never lived here, but was future-faking about moving in while I was renovating and decorating. He was here once when it was finished, but only for a few weeks during fake reconciliation. That said, the vast majority of the stuff here is mine and my taste, although some of it was informed by what I thought he might like–as long as I liked it too. (He would rarely offer an opinion ahead of time–his specialty was complaining or criticizing after the fact.)
The only thing that really sticks in my craw is the refrigerator. Fuckup was a lot taller than I am, and always complained about fridges with the freezer on top and the crispers being too low. (“I get a backache just looking for fruit!”) So the new fridge I bought has the freezer on the bottom, which annoys me because of this connection. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to change it out for a while. But apart from that, I love my house!
Take small comfort in the fact that bottom freezers are more energy efficient?
I bought a new bed and also ordered a sage smudge kit from Amazon to get rid of the cheater juju.