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New Age Cheater Goop Speak

flyBullshit artists have a real way with words.

One of my favorite Stupid Shit Cheaters Say submissions ever was:

“I didn’t cheat on you, I cheated on your belief that I would not cheat on you.”

It’s like META bullshit. You’re just not deep enough to understand it, chump.

Today’s Fun Friday Challenge is to take a popular New Age-y aphorism like “Live, Love, Laugh” and rewrite it for cheater sensibilities –“Lie, Luv, Litigate.”

Cheaters seem well-versed in philosophy — the kind of Pinterest-board deep thoughts that can only be expressed by a sunset meme or a basket of kittens.

So what’s your cheater goop speak of the week?

If you see some judgement, set it free?

Keep Calm and Hide Your Phone?

You Light Up My… Polygraph?

Please share yours!



Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “I Love Me, And You/Your Needs Were Never Even So Much As A Blip On My Radar Screen” #ILYBINILWY #ScrewYouVoldemort #FuckYouFriday #BiteMe

    • The DOCTOR said he had “retired” and told the judge he retired

      so that he 1) could travel and not be “forced” to work until death,

      2) wants to return to school (for a 3rd specialty? For retirement??)

      3) wants to help veterans – although he had literally just left a VA hospital

      4) wants to rest as he is now “disabled” while also posting on FB his physique and crediting it to his Paleo diet and strenuous workouts

      5) AND wants to become a partner in a new medical practice.

      The fact that these ^^^ lies contradict each other mattered not.

      I knew without a doubt that the DOCTOR would never, ever retire until he had a much bigger pile of money than whoever he’s still competing with, like his father.

      So I hired a PI.

      In less than 48 hours he found my then STBXH. He was seeing patients, advertising in the papers as working there, giving presentations to audiences of possible patients. And his NAME was on the side of the building…

      And after all this, he still swore under oath and to our children, to be volunteering.

      Let that ^^^ lunacy sink in.

      Two more things make this even crazier.

      First, the idiot failed to realize that EVEN IF he were “volunteering” that would only mean he was deliberately not earning to avoid paying alimony. The courts don’t like that. I’d still get alimony. So it was a stupid series of lies to tell.

      Ex is the type of client who’d lie to his own lawyer for sure. But you’d think he’d ask the lawyer about it. Then again, his lawyer was a jerk.

      Second, I think when some narcs imagine possible lies long enough, after awhile they believe them. Worse, they become indignant when you do not believe them.

      Of all the crazy shit he pulled, my ex was THEN furious that he was not believed, even though his lies were stupid AND legally irrelevant. Obviously, he was entitled to be believed even as he’d been caught.

      It was very cray cray.

      SIDENOTE – my EX never volunteered to work for free in our 35 year marriage. Not even once.

      Good riddance to lunacy.

      • “Second, I think when some narcs imagine possible lies long enough, after awhile they believe them. Worse, they become indignant when you do not believe them.”

        Oh, got it in one!

        Fucktard adamantly denied adultery, even after the texts I found boasting about fucking the rat faced whore, and the texts I found from rat faced whore about” everything just flowed”, and “we didn’t get up until 7”.

        Then he sent me a text, “why won’t you believe me when I say there’s nothing going on?”


        • Believe their own lies? Yeah, just a part of the “playbook”. I sincerely believe that they believe their own lies; otherwise, why all the indignation?
          Oh right, gaslighting.

      • That’s the scary bit. The part when they believe their own lies. When they speak their lies like truth and become belligerent when you call them out.
        Very disturbing. Especially when there is no proof to counter their lunacy.

        • My ex continuously pled the fifth on the stand during our divorce trial regarding his affair. Drove the judge crazy. But he couldn’t admit under oath that he had an affair even though I had the text messages from him. When I tried to get those put in as evidence he claimed he couldn’t read them. Infuriating.

      • How do you handle it when their lawyer acts like they’re just as crazy as your x? Oh boy.
        Cause I’m not sure is she’s just believing all the bull he’s feeding her or if she’s just collecting her paycheck no matter what or if she’s just as crazy. Either way, she’s not giving him good legal advice, which makes him worse because she’s supporting him.

      • So true.. my now XH had the audacity to claim that I had gone behind his back by going to a solicitor to file for divorce. His words were ” when you go behind someone’s back you always get found out”. He was furious with me for divorcing him as he thought he was mr wonderful. He called me deceitful. The arrogance is staggering seeing as it turned out he had spent half our 24 year marriage having sex with over 200 women and men and I found the 250+ sex tapes he had made of these encounters which he had filmed due to his both his level of narcissistic personality disorder and because he is a sociopath. Beggars belief he had the nerve to call me deceitful.

    • ‘I use you’
      ‘I use you so much’
      ‘You are the great use of my life’
      ‘I used to use you but now I use her’

    • “My therapist said you left me long before I left you.” Right, I stopped initiating sexually when you repeatedly denigrated my body while I was pregnant, immediately postpartum, or nursing (three children, two miscarriages, all in eight years). When your expectations were based on magazine models or teenagers rather than real women. And that was one of the excuses.

      • DrFormerChump,

        OMG, the X said the same thing about me leaving the relationship ‘a long time ago.’

        Like, where did I go?

        Oh, and he is a therapist so that must be a line cheating therapists dish out to clients. Maybe my X is your X’s therapist. Scary thought.

        • Nope, but I am a therapist. I figure his therapist was operating on limited information, and/or not a very good therapist.

          • So here’s a thing. How come so many “mental health professionals” seem utterly oblivious to the possibility that their clients are deluded fabricators who MAKE STUFF UP!

      • @DrFormerChump This really hits home. My ex put my body down as well, and when D-Day rolled around it was while I was waiting for an appointment with a physical therapist who treats injuries from childbirth. Leave it to a narc to make EVERYTHING about him, even the existence of your actual physical body (which can create life for goodness’ sake, and which has many functions other than pleasing him).

  • Here’s one I didn’t even need to change:

    From a movie back in the Dark Ages of my youth —> LOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY.

    They claim to still love you as they carry on a guilt free double life.

    • Chumptastic, this Love Story reference is perfect–and wasn’t it based (in part) on Al Gore (cheater) and Tipper Gore? As they said in my youth, “Gag me with a spoon!”

    • Yes, my husband claimed he loved me while having sex with numerous women behind my back. I can pass on that type of “love”.

      • Oh yes! He loved me. I was his “queen.” He just needed a bunch of princesses too. That’s just the way he is. He actually said that to me. After 40 years of marriage during which he plowed through a multitude of princesses. No thanks!

        • Isn’t that the biggest mindfuck of all? They say “I love you”. No they don’t. I loved her and I would just as soon have a pineapple shoved up my ass and ripped out of my nose than betray my spouse. They don’t have love. What they mean to say is you’re just so gosh darn useful being the fallback plan, the soft landing, the sure thing. That’s what “I love you” means in their language.

      • My XW said “In ancient times men had multiple wife’s and they loved them. I love you and the MOM. You can love more then one at the same time.” ????????????

        • But there were very different codes of conduct for men vs women back then – depending on where/when you XW transported herself to she could have faced death in a very barbaric way for her actions – I would also say that these cheaters don’t really understand love – it isn’t love when you are lying and deceiving people – it’s sex

          • I wouldn’t even say that’s sex. It’s not consensual when you are being deceived for sex. I’d say it’s sexual assault.

              • Thank you for pointing us to Joyce Short. She is doing important work around “consent”, what it is and what it isn’t.
                One of her important points is that there can be no consent if all parties are not equally informed.
                Without total honesty from both parties, sex is sexual assault. And passing on STDS in the process should be aggravated assault, in my opinion.
                It’s time for the laws to change.

            • Agree. As is screwing at least 3 women (that i know of, myself included) without condoms, in a single day, because *you’re the only one im screwing [over]*. I go a step further. Its rape. Non-consensual unsafe sex. Im sure if we all knew he was putting his unsheathed dick elsewhere we would have wanted condoms, or no sex at all.

        • You can HAVE SEX with multiple people (mine was an equal opportunity cheater, gender didn’t matter), but love? Nah.
          Fucking around behind not just my back, but also cheating on the folks who he cheated with.
          Who says men can’t multitask?

          • Mine also hundreds of anon strange over a decade, not fussed on gender.

            He said, (to both me and teenage son), that is was about more than sex, it was about VALIDATION. Ahhh -of course – a wife and children who love you aren’t as validating as a dude in a very dark gay club who thinks YOU are the most fuckable that day. Or he (female) hooker who tells you how hot you are. (Because you paid them).

            Love = gratification/validation. It’s that simple. Make them feel good or make them look good – their understanding of “love”. Any person that does not gratify a cheater narc is discarded – including their kids.

            • OMG, were we married to the same narcissistic fucktard? Mine videoed himself with over 200 women and men, including videos of him having sex with people in our fucking house whilst I was out at work and kids were at school. Also having sex with people in hotels on our anniversary and valentines day before coming home to take me out for a meal ffs. Date and time stamps on his sex tapes stash were very useful. I don’t know how he even held down a job, that many videos, he was a prolific sex chaser.

      • Mine loved me, our children- while risking our lives by fucking any willing whore.

        I told him to keep the love for other people and instead start respecting his family and their right to live a disease free life

      • Well I am sure he did Lillian as mine informed me that apparently ‘Love Never Dies’. Mwahahahahaha.

        This is the tip of the iceberg of the new age goop I had to endure in a rather short space of time.

    • Well, maybe if you love your spouse enough to never do anything that requires it. Of course “sorry” doesn’t mean much coming from a cheater anyway. Or so I hear. Mine never bothered.

      • Sorry is just an acknowledgement of wrong doing. Sorry doesn’t mean they won’t do it again.

    • Chumptastic I have ALWAYS hated that line from “Love Story”.

      It’s the fecking opposite (love means owning your shit and apologizing when you drop the ball or hurt someone).
      Whoever wrote that line HAS to be an asshole.

      • I think the point was when you love someone you strive to never do anything to them you would have to say sorry for.

        • Sally,

          I wish it meant that we’d avoid hurting each other (though impossible. However, in the movie, the person saying they were sorry had done something worth apologizing for.

          That’s why I didn’t understand the line in reply at the time, but it felt like odd writing and I was barely in my teens when it came out.

          Now I think it’s tripe. Probably unintentional, but tripe nonetheless.

    • My mother said that to me once. Yes, she is also disordered. I explained to her that that is absolutely NOT the case. If you truly love someone, you apologize and make it right. She didn’t get it. She also thinks apologies are a sign of weakness so….

  • “But I’m NOT a cheater!”

    “I want to divorce so I can carry on in peace”

    (after years of sparkledick’s very hard and effective work of keeping me in the dark he suddenly wanted to retire…)

  • Everyone gets a participation STD!

    Live your best lie!

    Hi, I’m Mary and I’m a stay-at-home chump!

    My other car is my P.I. following you.

  • Mine said to me after he realised I found out why he left suddenly ‘I love you as the mother of my children, but Im not in love with you’. I translate that to *You fulfilled your job and are no longer useful to me. I have already replaced you. Be thankful I impregnated you*

    NOTE – we were together 15 years, my eldest is nearly 7.

    • What is it with these douchebags about referencing our motherhood during this? When I told Voldemort to go ahead with her and leave me alone since I was so “horrible”. He replied “If you saw her you would know why I would never want anything to do with her. She’s a stupid B and she’s not mother material. You are” WOW so basically “let me have cake while you provide awesome motherhood to the kids we made” Married 15 years at that time and my oldest was also 7.

      • Mine kept saying “He would be a better Mother.” I was the stay at home mom; who was homeschooling. I spent every minute playing with and planning activities. Had pictures done every 6 months; hair braided; nails done, etc. 2 Girls. Married 15 years also. My youngest was 5; dd was 1 week before she turned 5. 2 years later he has done no pictures of them. I send them clothing because he won’t purchase any. I braid hair the night before he picks them up because it was taking 4 hours to brush out because he refuses to brush it. He refuses to take them to doctor or dental appointments. They just spew what ever lies they can to play the “Good Guy” and try to hurt you.
        He’s the last person anyone wants as a parent; much less a mother.

      • Married 13, oldest kidlet was 7 years old, youngest was 7 months when RonBurgundy left. She was maybe 4 months when the affair with InternWhore began.

    • Oh gawd….I got that one too as he was walking out the door: “I will always love you as the mother of my children and would lay down my life for you!” I wanted to vomit.

      • I got these weird kisses on my face while trying to cuddle me when I was almost hyperventilating with stress and pain. Apparently, those kisses were gratitude, gratitude for all that I had done for our family.

        God why didn’t I get a baseball bat and literally beat the shit of of him.

        Or at a minimum just laugh in his face.

      • Isn’t he the Drama Queen! Cheater guys/girls are Drama Queens. Life is a porno movie and they are the stars!

      • So true. Mine said he’d “take a bullet” for me.
        Uh, thanks?
        At this point I’d rather have had him “put on a condom” on for me.
        STDS do create lifelong health issues, as I now know.

    • So weird, my ex fiance told me the same thing about his ex wife. “I will always love her, she’s the mother of my children.”

      Didn’t realize this was a thing with the disordered.

      • I got that too. I think they say that because they want to be treated with honor and respect. They think if they honor you, you’ll honor them. Problem was with mine, he had no intention of reciprocating that honor.

  • My ex said.
    I never slept with her. I would never do that to you.
    We were just friends. She liked to have fun.
    No I did not go out three nights a week. You are making that up.
    I could go on and on with his pathetic lies. I think my ex’s theme song should be It wasn’t me.

    • The lies are unbelievable aren’t they! They will swear black is white even when you present them with all the evidence to the contrary!

      • In our marriage it got to the point where if I said the sky was blue he would have said it was green. He contradicted me on principle.

      • So true, I found a nude photo of another woman wand after asking now ex who it was he replied that the photo was too blurry to tell! It was a perfectly clear photo! He tried to make me doubt my own eyes. I knew then he was hopeless.

    • Mine tried that one on too. Didn’t work so well when I showed him that I had proof. A mental divorce doesn’t work so well.

    • Ha! Yep, lies. My XW said “It’s not the way it looks.”
      [She’s a cop, works the graveyard shift. She snuck into our BR @ 3:30 am, thinking I was asleep; I wasn’t. It was dark. She quietly got her make-up bag, a pair of panties and condoms, then snuck out of the house and drove off into the night to meet Sgt. Sugardick. When I inquired later that morning, I got the above response.]

    • They don’t even care that they lie, its 1st nature. My ex posted publicly that “I said every word out of his mouth was a lie; and he can lie in more languages than I know.”

  • Everybody’s telling me these days: “you just have to get connected.” I can imagine a cheater to an affair partner…

    “You need to get connected. With my penis.”

  • When I notified my then-wife about my positive test results for herpes she gave me, she replied “Maybe this is just a sign that we’re meant to be together.”

    • Me too GDD
      Although he swore he never even kissed her , well maybe he kissed her , Ok he diffidently kissed her but that’s all !

      I’ve tested positive for Herpes though how do you explain that ?

      ** Crickets **

    • Oh wow… that’s a new low right there. Just when I’m convinced that men are the most extreme narcissists one of you guys comes along with an ex that proves me dead wrong. Let’s just ship them all to their own planet already

      • KT, men just aren’t as vocal about it. But women can be just as bad. My XW is a covert narcissist or possibly has BPD.

      • When told my XW that I know she is fucking her howorker, she uttered :

        “It’s not the way it looks. We just flirting. He is 20 years younger (she is 52), don’t be ridiculous!”

        Later when showed her proofs of her sneaking in to a cheap hotel to fuck him,

        She: “I only did it twice, we didn’t have time to do it more often, we both had to take care of our families and ‘primary’ relationships.”

    • GDD

      Herpes means you are “meant to be together”…wow, like a suicide pact for true love. She may win for the Cray Cray prize.

    • She gives new meaning to God moves in mysterious ways.

      My got herpes from the woman that was sleeping with three othrr managers besides him and her main man. He passed it on to me and of course our child. Piece of shit he is. He also passed it on to the other ows.
      I told him we’d have to use condoms after that. His response :I’m your husband! I should no have to use condoms.
      I laughed at him and said now you know this?
      I saw the first ow. She looked very ill… Like hiv ill. And I gave thanks that I left before it got worse.
      If he wasn’t using protection he never would.
      They are low. Just low. I despise cheaters.

  • I’m not going to be any good at the actual challenge that was set in this post, but when the cheater says about himself: ‘I was too naive to realise I was having an affair’ followed by ‘Yes, we’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 years’, that’s got to be worth half points, right?

    • TeaCup, I think that nugget deserves a Chump Lady cartoon! My sides are still hurting from laughing so hard.

      Just think, you got rid a spending the rest of your life by a total MORON!

    • From time time we all say, “I thought I’d heard it all.” Today it’s my turn again, Teacup Storm: “I was too naive” . . .”? What?

  • Ex and AP reveled in being “soulmates”- when in reality, they were only “soul-less mates”

    • Mine spelled it “sole mates” in his love letter to her.

      Hahaha! I agree! Two matching heels!

      • Every time you write “sole mate” I think of the religion Bokononism in Kurt Vonnegut’s novel “Cat’s Cradle,” in which practitioners connect through putting the soles of their feet together. But I think your “two matching heels” is perfect!


    But it’s really CONSCIOUS CUCKOLDING.

    And in some cases followed by UNCONSCIOUS

  • Bumper stickers with footnotes:

    Coexist. (With my addiction, as a distant second choice.)

    Cheater on board. (Vows out the window.)

  • “I never had sexual relations with that woman! (I did fuck every orifice she has, but sexual relations? Never!)”

  • Nanthony is by far the saddest most pathetic woman the Limited could land; so dumb she’s quotable; not notable unless speaking of not only a lack of intelligence, she possesses an even greater greater lack of self respect.

    He won’t cheat on ME.

    She wouldn’t like it if I talk to you. (Limited)

    I have a new granddaughter. (Meaning my then 13 year old lovey.)

    I don’t know what happened.(Limited)

    How’s that working for them? Don’t care. He wasn’t invited to his granddaughters graduation. She wasn’t invited to the party. He didn’t show.

  • Whatever’s meant to be fucked, will be.

    Chlamydia is a choice.

    Live and let me cheat.

    Let people enjoy infidelity.

  • “If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me…..(your income, house payment, stepkid’s tuition, social status at church)…..ooooooooohh no, baby please don’t go.”

  • After I discovered the affair and moved out, the ex sent me a long, rambling email full of denials. When I confronted him with evidence that his email was nothing but lies (I hadn’t yet discovered Chump Lady and was unraveling the skein of fuckedupedness for a while), he actually said “But all of the words between the lies are true.”

    It still makes me laugh. What the hell?

    • Bahahaha that is a good one. In a horrible disgusting way.

      “But all the sex between the sheets was fake and nasty”

      Mine was so defensive before I even had an inkling of an idea what was going on, that now I remember and don’t even know why I didn’t see it for what it was.

    • This one gets my vote for the win, Mezz. It captures exactly how my EX thought. Since most of the time he wasn’t with his “soul mate,” he should be credited for fidelity; since most of the time he wasn’t calling me names, he should be credited with kind behavior; since most of his paycheck hadn’t been funneled into a private account, he should be credited with full financial transparency; since he drove one kid to one sporting event this week, he should be credited with excellent parenting; since most of his words weren’t lies, he could claim to be “very truthful.”

      • “I ONLY lied to ONE person; and that was ONLY about my activities in the sexual realm; and they were ONLY lies of omission.”

        “I am fundamentally an honest man.”

        “I felt I had no choice.” Me: “You had NO CHOICE?” Him: “That’s NOT WHAT I SAID!!! I said I FELT I had no choice.”

      • Eilonwy,

        Thank you for clarifying Mezz’s words even further. Hit me right between the eyes since that is the stance the X took but I didn’t know how to respond because he was indeed thinking in the ways which you have put forth. All was one huge muddle in my shocked mind. Now, thanks to CL and CN, the once huge muddle is being divided out into tangible little nuggets of wisdom and ammunition of self protection.

        ( I think this is what ‘they’ call, making the unconscious conscious so it can be dealt with, although the word unconscious doesn’t really accurately fit the state of my shocked mind. My experience of what is going on within my mind is an avalanche of ‘unbeknownst information/lack of information/an entirely new reality thrust upon me out of the blue type of consciousnes’s. ‘Muddle’ therefore, is the word I have chosen to try to convey why your words helped me so.)

        Thus said, I see it much more clearly now and, hence, feel like I can stand up for myself better since I still have the niggling habit of denying myself/my reality in favor of him. Detox takes time.

  • “There are lots of different types of love.”
    “It’s a certain kind of truth.”
    ”She doesn’t like the drama that comes with monogamy”

  • My other girlfriend is my wife.

    Overheard at a bar in my youth. On my way to the bathroom I “accidentally” spilled my Long Island Ice Tea on him and did I happen to have palmed some lipstick too? Whoops.

    • “My other girlfriend is my wife” would love some bumper stickers to plaster on known cheaters cars!

  • That was just words.
    This is where i should have left him. As soon as he spoke them. “THAT WAS JUST WORDS” When i asked why he had not kept what i/ we thought was ( a very important life – changing ) promise.
    I was married to a mini- trump. Before that was a Thing.
    Only 25 years of words only…
    He has eaten some of them at this point. #justice

  • The King of Lies

    Finger Licking Clit.

    I’d walk a mile for a hooker.

    Have a break, have a Katherine and a Katie.

    When you care the very best, lie, lie lie.

    Look Ma, no Condom!

    The divorce lawyer chumps ask for by name.

    • My ex also blamed me for his affair with Skankella. He said, ” If you only would have gone out to bars and wanted to play pool. I would not have been friends with her.” I guess being a responsible wife and Mother was a bummer. He needed to sneak around with a party animal. You know Girls just wanna have fun.

      • Ahhhh yes. Blaming your for their decisions and actions.
        Mine said to me that his leaving was my fault. The shitty thinking. They are the personification of the expression ‘to be full of shit’

  • Mine took the noble sausage stance and declared to me, when he put a two-truffle box of chocolates in my mailbox at work two weeks after we separated: “Kindness eases change.”
    So: “Kindness eases change” morphs to “A killer divorce lawyer eases change.”

  • “I never could be a complete human without having my ‘Slut Phase;’ you should understand since you dated around before we met.”

    I also figured out object permanence before we met, and stopped putting random objects in my mouth. Guess he’s still figuring that one out, too.

    • I got the same the same kind of “it’s just a phase I missed as a young man” bullshit as well.

      • Oh yeah. I got that too in and around the “you weren’t meeting my needs” blameshifting bullshit.

  • “I didn’t want to hurt any one” “I’m sorry if you felt maligned” And the best from the *gasp* twu wuvy “If I was more intelligent I would had half of the pension”.

  • I am not leaving my family, just you!

    Of course I have not seen or talk to my kids in 4 years and paid nothing towards their schooling and life since they turned 18, they are adults and could get a job, they do not need school. I am a GREAT Dad.

    Parental alienation!!!.

    • I hear you. I got the same line. But that was a few weeks after the initial discovery when he said “I never wanted kids”. Then they discover how much easier it is to be a good dad when they aren’t bogged down by full custody and all the work that goes along with it. Disney Dad is fun. Homework and “go to bed” dad is a drag.

    • I have anal sex with her, she makes 6 figures, she is fit and works out every day……..she is classy


        • Thank all of you for saying this. WTF? This was the story of my life. And where I live, people are SOOOOOOOO into sexual liberation that leaving your wife of 17 years to fulfill your porno fantasies is considered a valid reason for “drifting apart”. But what do you do when you fall in back door love? You have to follow your heart.

  • “We were divorced in my mind so it was okay.”

    – Well news flash to me. Maybe you could’ve, I don’t know, SAID something to let me know???

    • Don’t ya just love that?

      I got the infamous:” Our marriage has been over for years!” Even though we were still taking vacations together, telling each other we loved each other every day and still having sex.

      That memo did not reach me. Not to worry. 3 years after dday and wreckconciliation I demonstrated how to really end a marriage! Idiots!!

    • Yup I got the same

      “It was already over in my head”

      At least I don’t have to live there like he does ????

      • I can’t believe how many people think this is a rationale. Kind of like that mustang felt like it was mine so I took it or I thought I could be a doctor so I faked papers to make it look like it. It is bizarre that people only fall for this shit about cheating – nothing else. It seems cheating has become an epidemic.

        • “We weren’t getting along.” It would have been nice if I had known.

          “I wanted something different.” He forgot to mention he’d already found his something different.
          Mr. Integrity should have wanted to save his marriage and family.

          “I don’t feel butterflies when I’m with you.” My response to that is we aren’t teenagers.

          “I have more in common with AP”.
          We were married 20 years, (together 25) have a son.
          He known AP for 6 months after meeting in a hotel gym/bar and they have more in common.

          He was the sad sausage, looking for admiration and excitement. Rather than work on our marriage he worked on something different.

      • “You should have know.”

        Like he didn’t even have to take responsibility for telling me. Talk about reversing blame…MY fault because I didn’t know.

        So, let’s say I did know, then what?

        I wasn’t quick enough to ask him that. In fact, when he said the above I think I just fell silent with disbelief. That was before CL and CN while I was quickly learning the pick-me-dance polka.

        • Mine said that he never lied.
          I just didn’t ask the right questions.
          Well, I did ask what he did all day while I was at work. (He retired 12 years before me, but I couldn’t because – health insurance.)
          I guess I should have been asking “who did you do all day”.
          I take full responsibility. Not.

          • It’s like they all share the same brain (cell). Mine told me that if I asked him the right questions, he would have told me the truth but I never asked, ergo he didn’t lie.

            SMH….well not anymore. That is not my monkey, nor is it my circus anymore thankfully!

    • “I just want you to know that nothing happened until our marriage was over”. Said to me while we were still married.

  • ‘I felt so bad about being with you because I knew if you knew the truth you wouldn’t want me. So I just kept going ….’ (to hookers. And online chat rooms. And gang bangs and glory hole meets on Craigslist, and massage parlours, and knocking up your coworker… )

    Yep. Because after that starts, while I’m still in the dark the obvious reason it keeps going is because you feel so guilty….

    What. The. Actual. Fuck.

  • “I’m not as good as I once was, but I
    am better than I used to be.”

    Wait. What?

    Said during wreckoncilation. I took it to mean he is saying he will never change.

  • “There are 3 sides to every story” said a friend, who is soon an erstwhile friend because she has trouble with my anger having left her husband for another man. #loveisfleeting #spreadtheblamearound

    • That is not a friend – it is an excuse maker. If we all just thought about our own needs children and the elderly would be left to take care of themselves. The cornerstone of a society is how we treat others. Me thinks our society is in trouble.

  • In counseling narc talked about how he had Fridays off and so that was his time.
    Counselor asked when wife (me) got her time. He shrugged. Counselor asked if weekends and he said no that is family time. Then she asked about nights. Again he said that is family time. Counselor then said “So she doesn’t get any time to herself”
    Narc: ” I didn’t say that you did”

    ** eye roll **
    Ps. He spent his fridays (his time) masturbating.. literally for hours.

    • Sounds like a good Friday to me… *shrug*

      That said, he sounds like a selfish piece of shit.

  • “Sometimes the good, is the enemy of the best.”
    (Graduate degree in Creative Writing-can’t interpret basic “faux-losophy”)

    “Without the dark, one would never see the stars.”

    “Without the narc, one would never meet randos in bars.”

    “Sometimes, I think it may have been better, if you had never met me.”- Rat Bastard, May 2018 (through feigned tears)
    “But what’s best? Unknowing you now, and tomorrow.”- C.V. July 2019

  • Not my now ex, but schmoopie:

    “I know I’ve probably hurt you. I am sorry. And this divorce is really a hard thing you’re going through, so I want to be a resource for you.”

    (As someone who’d been divorced three times herself, she was offering to help me divorce my husband!)

    She also said to my adult daughter just last month, whom she’s met twice:

    “Because your dad loves you, I love you too.”

    She also does a ton of new age counseling— and drugs both of which are for “enlightenment.”

  • Disgusting is in the eye of the beholder; be willfully blind.

    My STBXH would hate when I’d say gross or use the throw up emoji when I referred to his extramarital relations so I imagine this would be his. And he also said if I saw her I would know why he wants nothing to do with her. LMAO

  • As seen on actual cheater’s social media, “let no one take away your SPARKLE!!!!!! (With included sparkly emoji)”.

    I really wish she took the sparklyturd that is dragging out my divorce.

  • “You used to complete me.” From the one really terrible line in an otherwise pretty good movie, when Jerry Maguire tells Dorothy Boyd, “You complete me.”

    “Don’t shoplift the pootie” is an anti-jackass line.
    “I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.”–Super Chumpy line)
    “Maybe love shouldn’t be such hard work.”–Dorothy
    “If the heart is empty, the head doesn’t matter.”–Dicky Fox
    “Hey… I don’t have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I have failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you my kind of success.”–Dicky Fox

    • “Don’t worry about what others say about your choices — do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy”
      Cheaterspeak: as long as I’m happy, the hell with ethics, morals, values, character — how dare anyone challenge *me* about lying, cheating, or stealing marital funds. It’s *my* happiness that matters!!!

      Exh2/The Evil One posted this on his Facebook page.
      All I’ve ever been told was that he “wasn’t happy” — four years later, he’s still with OWife, but he hasn’t changed one bit. As long as I get child support and he keeps up with visitation, and he stays the hell out of my business, I’m good.

      • Some people really get carried away with the “self care” movement. Uh… self care is about valuing yourself, not trashing other people’s lives.

  • “I didn’t leave our family/kids/son, I left you!” After he left one Monday morning and never came home after 26 years of marriage.

    • Heard almost the same from cheating ex-wife. “I didn’t cheat on the kids. Just you.” Blech! Cheaters are soooooo selfish and narrow minded.

  • Love means…never letting your wife find out about your Shmoopies.

    A ho (or two) in the hand is worth $30,000. in lawyer’s fees when your wife finds out.

  • Mine texted me this when I bought him a book about the second half of life : wherever u r, b there
    To his new agey covert incest mom to get kibble points: wherever u r, b there
    To his sister with health and parenting problems: wherever u r, b there
    He texted this to m/cow when she wanted to suck his dick: wherever u r, b there
    Like a robot on factory settings.

    It was his go-to, look at me, standing on a mountaintop so enlightened answer to everything. It was also a way to seem super elusive and cool and emotionally elevated/superior when he had no clue wtf he was talking about. But the women swooned and he got all kinds of credit for being deeper than the puddle of piss that he was, just for typing that out.

    • “He is nothing to me, it was just a distraction from my ‘primary’ relationship.
      You are overreacting, everybody is cheating.”

  • My cheater, in one of what I call his Cheepak Dopra moments, actually said; “We all have our own path to follow.”

    So I added the part he left out:

    “We all have our own path to follow. Coincidentally, mine just happens to correspond with where my dick leads me.”

    I wonder why he wasn’t amused.????

      • I thought it was me- starting st age 26 it was me, my fault, my ( insert needed insult) – and my newly married husband was reminding me how inadequate and less than I am for another 15 years… not pregnant, not smart enough, later- too ugly after having his kids etc.
        The big eye opener came a year after a dday

        The cheating lying import was banging whoever was willing since the day we met and everything he was talking about- were my views, my stake on morals and values,..,

        Bad news for me- he was an EXCELLENT in his con… I mean- great!!!

        Fellow chumps- there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, nothing u did or didn’t do… it’s all on them and their shitty characters…

        My h started cheating on a size 6, blonde, blue eyed wife, intelligent woman- interested in any given topic, adventure and lots of sex.

        It made no difference.

  • Predatory Opportunistic Predator’s (POP) delusional brain was so fogged over with narcissist lust for haremlife that he thought the times he said to me (sic): ‘if you love something, set it free. If it comes back (him), it was meant to be’ would be a **flattering** thing to say to me.

    I soon had enough and tossed his worthless ass to the curb.

    His life has literally turned to HELL. For every level his has gone down, MINE HAS GONE UP.

  • The latest gem I received in a text message:

    “I should have divorced you 10 years ago but I only stayed for the kids.”

    WTF? We’ve only been divorced for one year, and I pick-me danced during the last 2-3 years of our marriage, and now you’re confirming you’ve been cheating over the last half of it. AND that you even give a shit about anyone but yourself, AND it was all my fault.

    The delusional thinking is fucking mind-boggling.

    • He (she?) didn’t divorce you ten years ago for the same reason he sent you that text message: he wants to keep getting attention from you.

  • Be careful what you wish for, you might get it!

    Oh wait, I don’t need to change a thing on that one. He’s got a young ho and pretty much nothing else left at this point. The kids are turning down a vacation to Hawaii with those 2 fuckwits.

  • Okay, I haven’t posted anything in ages, but I love sharing this with people: I guy I knew long ago, who was hitting on me and everyone else, told me this about his fiancee–“She is my lode star, but that doesn’t mean I won’t visit the other stars in the galaxy!” (I heard he had told her this, and she bought it and married him.)

  • “We are just friends.”
    “Nothing ever happened.”
    “I ended up crashing on her bed.”
    “I know I didn’t book a hotel when I flew out to her town even though you told me you weren’t okay with us spending the night together. But I’ll still find a hotel after I get there.”
    “It didn’t mean anything when I said I wanted to have oral sex with her.”
    “It didn’t mean anything when I said I wanted to be a part of her harem.”
    “You’re so controlling because you won’t let us be friends.”
    “A couple’s massage is totally something that’s acceptable between friends and coworkers. I know it involves taking clothes off in front of one another, but people change in front of coworkers ALL THE TIME!”
    “If you look in the trash, you’ll find a condom. I was using it for masturbation.”
    I have a billion of these….

    • Yeah ‘I just slept on the sofa fully clothed’ After my tracing him to a part of London than the place he said he stayed.’Just producers looking after calamitous directors as usual ’. Oh these creative types hey, what are they like.

      ‘Leave a calamitous director, gain a life’

      • “Yeah ‘I just slept on the sofa fully clothed’ After my tracing him to a part of London than the place he said he stayed.’Just producers looking after calamitous directors as usual.'”

        Oh god. They are all so slimy!

  • #charm “you mean everything to me”…”you’re the best thing that ever happened to me”… “I’ll do anything to make it better”

    #anger “I should not need to explain” “you’re not perfect either”

    #sadz “my needs were not met” “don’t tell other people – it’s embarassing me”

    • and another one for DX’s sadz “I have no friends” (except for ho-worker “she’s just-a-friend”)

  • Mine told me (in his break up email — 26 year marriage!) “I can never be the man you want me to be.” Which was a man who didn’t stick his dick in random women? I guess I have unreasonably high standards.

  • “I still love you, just in a different way.” Oh you mean the way you love that tree stump over there. I never cheated on you but I’ve had every opportunity to cheat but didn’t! Awww gee whiz, aren’t I a lucky gal! However when I asked who you are talking to on the phone (phone calls at all hours to the same number) you couldn’t even be honest with me and tell me it was the woman you hung out with in Hawaii while in port. But oh no you NEVER cheated at all!! Full of sparkly terds!!!

  • Time is not linear so technically we aren’t really ending and we are always together. (Or some shit like that.)

  • A quote from H’s ho-worker’s social media, I only replaced word ”travel” with ”cheat”…

    Cheat and tell no one.
    Live a true love story and tell no one.
    Live happily and tell no one.
    People ruin beautiful things.

  • “Qui cum canibus concumbunt cum pulicibus surgent”

    My toxic porn addicted sociopathic ex fancies himself as a bit of a Richard Burton. Not the Liz Taylor one, but this one

    A cunning lingust fluent in Latin, clearly a sex addict (not sure porn was a thing then), translator of the karma sutra, and someone comfortable (read as entitled) and overt with his swinging sexuality (everything my ex isnt bar the entitlement, addiction and swinging sexuality), although he often referred to himself as a cunning linguist too, dickhead. Man i hate that pathetic misogynistic line.

    So when shit was kicking off earlier this year 6 months out from D Day, and one of his girlfriends (of the previous 12 months!) reached out to me because things weren’t adding up (our D Day for starters which according to her via him had happened 14 months prior, also how much i was expecting him to have the kids outside of our 50/50 custody arrangement, also bullshit, also dickhead).

    Boy did we get to do some sums and smash some geometry out of the way when we became friends, while tormenting him with truths for once instead of him tormenting us with lies and triangles as he had to me for over 15 years.

    He HATED it. Even caught him hiding in my carport one night a week after we connected, clearly wanting to catch us talking about him in my garden (she wasnt there so was pretty random situation although she was due to come over for some more closure for the two of us, lucky break she hadnt showed up tbh).

    This isn’t the one i caught him cheating and sharing girl on girl porn with 6 months before, but she was the one with a hotel room he disappeared to for 5 hours when i did while i texted him profusely trying to get some answers. (That was another gift, his silence meant i was left with google which revealed to me this crazy thing called Cluster B and NPD/ASPD/HPD/BPD – he is without a doubt all of them, comorbid fuckwit that he is).

    Anyway, through this torturous few weeks he kept on texting me latin bullshit. Pretentious AF. It was his Richard Burton habit, he’d started doing it before i discarded his lying toxic arse, in a nice trying to impress way (didnt work) but now it was all name calling and trying to look smart (hates my educated career driven arse btw but liked the money it brought in). He was hard out smearing her to me (as he’d done about me to her for 12 months) because, well, truth and discovery i suppose ???? She’s a liar and a homewrecker etc etc. Clearly projection as she’s awesome like me.

    This latin line was my favourite though – “Qui cum canibus concumbunt cum pulicibus surgent”

    I thought it was a dig at my pot smoking (he smokes too) ????. I just threw it back to him in English, saying no need for your pretensions now fuckwit, you’re not even the dog man, you’re just a pathetic flea.

    (they who lie with dogs will rise with fleas btw)

  • Not original, but…

    “Divorce. The end of an error.”

    Narcissist on board.

    You’re perfect for each other. And not in a good way.

    To his cross-eyed skank when she had the gall to try to talk to me about my son: a cursory glance. Then I turned to the scum who thought I’d meek out on her and said, “Which eye do you look into when you’re lying to her?”

  • “I haven’t been happy for a long time.” I responded “When were you going to tell me?” He just looked confused as if that statement should absolve him of cheating. It was his Get Out of Jail card in his withered selfish little mind.

    “I’m not going to change. I don’t see the need to change.” This is the truest statement he made in thirty five years. This statement is the true tell of narcissists everywhere. Why would anything so perfect see any need to change?

    So I changed. I left with the dog and filed for divorce. Now he can remain unchanged and unhappy while I do the work to recover from narcissistic abuse.

  • Another face of mine. OW was an ex trolly dolly (glamorous ????) who now has a couple of homestay students from Taiwan to earn her living (one way to keep getting cheap duty free booze I guess). I’m guessing she no longer serves passengers because of her weight issues (no offence to the more rotund amongst us, I’m not so slim myself). Anyway she is fondly known as #cattleclass by me and my circle of business class travelling friends. Ex used to hate me travelling business class for work, it was always his trigger to cheat. He even never let me use the class upgrades I’d earn from travelling for work (not able to be shared).

    Needless to say I’ll be using that class upgrade when I do my big trip with my girlfriends to Bali for our 50th next year. And no fear of cheating going on in my bed back at home! He expects me to hold onto half my air points balance to share with him when he’s ready to travel (with cattle class I suppose).

    He can get f****d with the triangulation and control he’s thinking he can have with that. I’ll just add $1500 to my settlement payout to him which is in the hundreds of thousands so hardly an issue to add on.

    Which reminds me (bickering via lawyers over paltry monetary amounts) I kicked him out of our house last year (seperated but birdnesting for the kids) from finding evidence of cattle class in my home while I was in Europe for work for two weeks (on her Instagram and in our trash, where she belongs). A year later he’s now asking for evidence of my expense claim (still had joint credit card at that point, which I then paid off and closed with my bonus on my return, $15k as I recall and he thinks he’s entitled to a year later, even though it covered his half of said debt back then so yeah, whatever). I duly sent said claim through lawyers, $400 in total ???????? good luck with that buddy (lawyer will cost more)

  • The night before the idiot told me he wanted a divorce after 40 years:

    “I love bridge, I love the people, I love the game and I want you to love it too!’
    I had no idea what the fuck he was taking about. I hated card games and never played bridge in all the time we were together. I said well play bridge I don’t mind, you’ve been playing for 15 years, I have lots to do.

    He ran off with his ugly bridge playing whore the next day! FUCKING IDIOTS !

    • Stupidest, most obtuse ultimatum ever! So he would have stayed if you’d agreed to play bridge? And if that’s all he used for his AP criteria, good luck to them both!

  • My ex went straight from our home to living with his OW. In an affidavit to the court he wrote that the difference in ages (I’m older than him) was the reason he felt we had nothing in common (aside from our child, house, etc). Okay, so how come he shacked up straight away with the new love of his life who was even older than me??

  • When I found out about OW I naturally looked her up on Facebook (she had lied to him and told him she “doesn’t use social media” because she prefers real human connection instead… turns out she has accounts on every platform and uses them constantly, but I digress) and her profile picture was a meme with a stock photo that said “to all the girls who no longer believe in fairy tales or happy endings: you are the writer of this story. Chin up and straighten your crown, you’re the queen of this kingdom and only you know how to rule it.” I took that as a personal fuck you. Ah yes, I guess expecting my husband not to fuck some someone else in my bed was akin to believing in fairy tales. Now any time I see some cheesy self-help meme I just assume the person sharing it is a manipulative psychopath.

  • “I have to set u free.” ????
    Hurts like a bitch but thank goodness he did. I got 99 problems and a cheater ain’t one.

  • After signing the settlement agreement my attorney had to make a copy.

    Limited says, “I think about you all the time.”

    No Access. No Returns. BOOM; he’s stuck with it.

  • My ex told me he was “evolving”. Yes, he evolved into an entitled, immoral, man-baby who cried about his unmet needs. My needs were also unmet in our marriage but I didn’t go outside the relationship to meet them. He would probably consider me to be unevolved.

    • OMG – mine said the same thing “he had evolved and was a much better person”. WTF – sneaking out on family vacation to fuck your married lover, offering your underage children pot edibles, stealing family $ to spend on girlfriends, lying to everyone, and not spending time with your kids. I sometimes think he has a brain eating amoeba.

      • Sometimes I think my ex is a pod person. An alien now inhabits the body of the man I once loved.

  • After spending the day with me during wreckconciliation – he tells me ” I am going to go visit her, but I will sleep on the couch as her kids are there” – so NOT true so… #Icallthatcouchsurfercheaterbullshit.

  • “I’m not a misogynist. I was nice to the Korean massage parlor prostitutes. I asked them about themselves and gave them back rubs when I was finished with them. “

  • Also, from cheater ex when he broke up with ho to try to stay with me (no remorse – so not happening) ” I broke up with her and she cried and cried, and I did nothing and did not comfort her” – yep a true sociopath that one.

  • “In my family we say ‘I do until I don’t’ not like in your family” stbxh said after 20 years of marriage.

    “I get along better with 20 year old girls than men my own age” stbxh said at 46 years of age.

    • And this he wrote in group therapy for fuckedupedness a month before I found out about his two year long affair. I came across it after he had enacted it and walked out and I was packing up all his crap. It is the epitome of his narcissism;

      One change I would like to make is…my living situation because I can’t get better or don’t want to

      The worst thing that could happen…I destroy a relationship

      The best thing that could happen…is I’ll find myself

  • It’s only been a few months since finding out , About his Emotional cheating But still he did cheat He felt guilty , but he’s over that , He still seeing the nitwit, sneaking around at least that’s what he thinks , He said no sex was involved , I can trust him , NO I can’t he cheated , A young girl paid attention to him , he threw his marriage away for that, Right now he’s happy having family and girl on side , He working his way out of the marriage , slowly thinking I don’t have a clue which I do , so here’s to him never loving me , not being happy, Karma a real bitch , Which he will soon find out

  • After the woman I was dating admitted to cheating on 2 husbands and every boyfriend she ever had, including me, I told her I didn’t trust her and she said, “well, if you don’t trust me I don’t see how this can work.”

  • My D day was when a nasty prostitute called me to rat him out. She was mad at him because she was blackmailing him and he didn’t pay up. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not.

    I kicked him out of the house immediately and he then started sending me emails begging for me to take him back so he could have a chance to show me “who he really was”.

  • ‘She doesn’t want you to be happy, but I do’. So in OW speak, that’s ‘I want the best for you, which means leaving your partner and newborn child because things are a little rough, firstly because you are being unsupportive of your partner and secondly, you are letting me get in your ear about what an ungrateful, entitled bitch she is because she expects you to be supportive and not fight her on every routine she wants to try with the baby. I went through a period of being a single mother on welfare so no-one else should ever be allowed to be a happy and supported SAM because I had it so hard, and no-one can ever imagine how hard that is, and she’s just an entitled bitch because she couldn’t imagine how hard I had it. So leave your partner, and come spend your money on our mutual hobby, but mostly me so that I can try and be some sort of social media queen bee in that arena and can stay at home and ‘work’ on my hobby business and basically let me do everything that I accused your partner of being entitled about. So yeah, those APs who accuse the unsuspecting partner of being selfish and joy-crushing, because it fits their purposes to feather their own nests.

  • ‘Also, they’ll be fine, that’s what welfare is for. The dust will settle and it will all be worked out. Don’t worry about the baby, kids are resilient (this from the woman whose child lives full-time with their father) and if it worries you not seeing your kid enough, go for full custody. I’ll look after them, I’m a great role model. ‘ I hate The Kids Are Resilient – yeah, you’re willing to guinea pig their life paths on your own selfish interests. This from the OW, trying to convince Mr Cheaterpants to leave his family.

  • OW loves those ones like: ‘If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough’ or ‘Be the person who makes someone believe that kindness still exists in the world’. Yeah, you really affirmed my belief in the goodness of people, hunty. And yeah, I believe you about the scary dreams, but normal people call that fear having a conscience.

  • ‘I’m not leaving our children, I’m leaving you.’
    OW has nothing to do with my unhappiness with you, the timing is just co-incidental, keep her out of it.

  • ‘I had some spare money, so I didn’t think we would miss it’. When I found out by digging that he had given the OW a considerable sum of money (in the thousands) to set herself up in a new apartment, which she had engineered by saying she was being kicked out of her flat (owned by a family member and paying very token rent) and had no money to find a new place, thereby forcing the issue of when he would be coming to live with her.

  • This is Bill
    Bill isn’t responsible for where his willy goes
    Bill wants his cake and eat it
    Bill doesn’t care about breaking wind
    or people
    Bill is a sad sausage
    Bill was bullied at school, he has never got over it
    Bill wants you to keep his secrets
    Be like Bill

  • I think I have the ultimate Narcissistic comments…

    1) I just want someone that “lights up” when I walk in the room.

    2) I want someone that can’t wait to “jump my bones” as soon as I get home.

    Apparently Asshat had found a splendid supply of kibbles and cake from a woman at work (who is also married). My past is her future. Good luck.

  • He married the shack up on December 31, the same year our divorce was final.

    He told our adult children that he married her “for tax purposes”.

  • The Ultimate Narcissist comment…

    “You were supposed to be dead”.

    Get out while you can. Alive.
    Just get out.

  • “I didn’t leave US, WisedUp. I just left YOU.”
    So in Cheater’s concept of “us” as we existed in our 16 year relationship, I personally was not a part of the equation, I guess, because he was able to leave me, but still be “faithful to us.” But with OW instead of me.

    Almost as word-salady as this one, “I am FIERCELY loyal to you, WisedUp!” he said, after I told him I found the evidence of his cheating, which he didn’t deny after his initial eye-rolling laughing at me when I asked him whether he’d been out “on a date with someone” after lying about where he was going and not realizing as the administrator of our cell phone account, I could log in and see the numbers he was calling on the phone I paid for hi to have for his business. So….. if that’s your definition “fiercely loyal,” well obviously I was the disloyal one, not Cheaterpants.

  • I know this qualifies as rather sugary pop, but I love “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” in which Taylor Swift says “I used to say ‘never say never.'” Yep, exactly. Used to.

    I sure learned to say “never” during my terrible experience with the narc ex! And I’m much better for it. Haha.

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