New Age Cheater Goop Speak

flyBullshit artists have a real way with words.

One of my favorite Stupid Shit Cheaters Say submissions ever was:

“I didn’t cheat on you, I cheated on your belief that I would not cheat on you.”

It’s like META bullshit. You’re just not deep enough to understand it, chump.

Today’s Fun Friday Challenge is to take a popular New Age-y aphorism like “Live, Love, Laugh” and rewrite it for cheater sensibilities –“Lie, Luv, Litigate.”

Cheaters seem well-versed in philosophy — the kind of Pinterest-board deep thoughts that can only be expressed by a sunset meme or a basket of kittens.

So what’s your cheater goop speak of the week?

If you see some judgement, set it free?

Keep Calm and Hide Your Phone?

You Light Up My… Polygraph?

Please share yours!

 

 

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Sunny
Sunny
4 years ago

“I Love Me, And You/Your Needs Were Never Even So Much As A Blip On My Radar Screen” #ILYBINILWY #ScrewYouVoldemort #FuckYouFriday #BiteMe

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
4 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

‘It’s all good.’
No, it most definitely is not.

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

“My therapist said you left me long before I left you.” Right, I stopped initiating sexually when you repeatedly denigrated my body while I was pregnant, immediately postpartum, or nursing (three children, two miscarriages, all in eight years). When your expectations were based on magazine models or teenagers rather than real women. And that was one of the excuses.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
4 years ago
Reply to  DrFormerChump

@DrFormerChump This really hits home. My ex put my body down as well, and when D-Day rolled around it was while I was waiting for an appointment with a physical therapist who treats injuries from childbirth. Leave it to a narc to make EVERYTHING about him, even the existence of your actual physical body (which can create life for goodness’ sake, and which has many functions other than pleasing him).

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  DrFormerChump

DrFormerChump,

OMG, the X said the same thing about me leaving the relationship ‘a long time ago.’

Like, where did I go?

Oh, and he is a therapist so that must be a line cheating therapists dish out to clients. Maybe my X is your X’s therapist. Scary thought.

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

Nope, but I am a therapist. I figure his therapist was operating on limited information, and/or not a very good therapist.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago
Reply to  DrFormerChump

So here’s a thing. How come so many “mental health professionals” seem utterly oblivious to the possibility that their clients are deluded fabricators who MAKE STUFF UP!

Jeff Bolz
Jeff Bolz
4 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Amen, where is the little swearing jewish therapist that can call it out when you need her.

Faithful
Faithful
4 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

‘I use you’
‘I use you so much’
‘You are the great use of my life’
‘I used to use you but now I use her’
#IUYBINIUWY

Madge
Madge
4 years ago
Reply to  Faithful

Genius. Thank you.

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

The DOCTOR said he had “retired” and told the judge he retired

so that he 1) could travel and not be “forced” to work until death,

2) wants to return to school (for a 3rd specialty? For retirement??)

3) wants to help veterans – although he had literally just left a VA hospital

4) wants to rest as he is now “disabled” while also posting on FB his physique and crediting it to his Paleo diet and strenuous workouts

5) AND wants to become a partner in a new medical practice.

The fact that these ^^^ lies contradict each other mattered not.

I knew without a doubt that the DOCTOR would never, ever retire until he had a much bigger pile of money than whoever he’s still competing with, like his father.

So I hired a PI.

In less than 48 hours he found my then STBXH. He was seeing patients, advertising in the papers as working there, giving presentations to audiences of possible patients. And his NAME was on the side of the building…

And after all this, he still swore under oath and to our children, to be volunteering.

Let that ^^^ lunacy sink in.

Two more things make this even crazier.

First, the idiot failed to realize that EVEN IF he were “volunteering” that would only mean he was deliberately not earning to avoid paying alimony. The courts don’t like that. I’d still get alimony. So it was a stupid series of lies to tell.

Ex is the type of client who’d lie to his own lawyer for sure. But you’d think he’d ask the lawyer about it. Then again, his lawyer was a jerk.

Second, I think when some narcs imagine possible lies long enough, after awhile they believe them. Worse, they become indignant when you do not believe them.

Of all the crazy shit he pulled, my ex was THEN furious that he was not believed, even though his lies were stupid AND legally irrelevant. Obviously, he was entitled to be believed even as he’d been caught.

It was very cray cray.

SIDENOTE – my EX never volunteered to work for free in our 35 year marriage. Not even once.

Good riddance to lunacy.

Ally
Ally
4 years ago

So true.. my now XH had the audacity to claim that I had gone behind his back by going to a solicitor to file for divorce. His words were ” when you go behind someone’s back you always get found out”. He was furious with me for divorcing him as he thought he was mr wonderful. He called me deceitful. The arrogance is staggering seeing as it turned out he had spent half our 24 year marriage having sex with over 200 women and men and I found the 250+ sex tapes he had made of these encounters which he had filmed due to his both his level of narcissistic personality disorder and because he is a sociopath. Beggars belief he had the nerve to call me deceitful.

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago

How do you handle it when their lawyer acts like they’re just as crazy as your x? Oh boy.
Cause I’m not sure is she’s just believing all the bull he’s feeding her or if she’s just collecting her paycheck no matter what or if she’s just as crazy. Either way, she’s not giving him good legal advice, which makes him worse because she’s supporting him.

Mandie101
Mandie101
4 years ago

That’s the scary bit. The part when they believe their own lies. When they speak their lies like truth and become belligerent when you call them out.
Very disturbing. Especially when there is no proof to counter their lunacy.

K. A.
K. A.
4 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

My ex continuously pled the fifth on the stand during our divorce trial regarding his affair. Drove the judge crazy. But he couldn’t admit under oath that he had an affair even though I had the text messages from him. When I tried to get those put in as evidence he claimed he couldn’t read them. Infuriating.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
4 years ago

“Second, I think when some narcs imagine possible lies long enough, after awhile they believe them. Worse, they become indignant when you do not believe them.”

Oh, got it in one!

Fucktard adamantly denied adultery, even after the texts I found boasting about fucking the rat faced whore, and the texts I found from rat faced whore about” everything just flowed”, and “we didn’t get up until 7”.

Then he sent me a text, “why won’t you believe me when I say there’s nothing going on?”

????????????

oldcrone
oldcrone
4 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Believe their own lies? Yeah, just a part of the “playbook”. I sincerely believe that they believe their own lies; otherwise, why all the indignation?
Oh right, gaslighting.

RefusesToBeStupid
RefusesToBeStupid
4 years ago

The male cheaters in my town don’t speak just stare intensely. I gave up mine reading long ago and give them the social finger. ????????It seems to work

RefusesToBeStupid
RefusesToBeStupid
4 years ago

“Mind” not mine????

Chumptastic Chump
Chumptastic Chump
4 years ago

Here’s one I didn’t even need to change:

From a movie back in the Dark Ages of my youth —> LOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY.

They claim to still love you as they carry on a guilt free double life.

conniejored
conniejored
4 years ago

My mother said that to me once. Yes, she is also disordered. I explained to her that that is absolutely NOT the case. If you truly love someone, you apologize and make it right. She didn’t get it. She also thinks apologies are a sign of weakness so….

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago

Chumptastic I have ALWAYS hated that line from “Love Story”.

It’s the fecking opposite (love means owning your shit and apologizing when you drop the ball or hurt someone).
Whoever wrote that line HAS to be an asshole.

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
4 years ago

Erich Segal. Bleeeccchh…

Sally
Sally
4 years ago

I think the point was when you love someone you strive to never do anything to them you would have to say sorry for.

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago
Reply to  Sally

Sally,

I wish it meant that we’d avoid hurting each other (though impossible. However, in the movie, the person saying they were sorry had done something worth apologizing for.

That’s why I didn’t understand the line in reply at the time, but it felt like odd writing and I was barely in my teens when it came out.

Now I think it’s tripe. Probably unintentional, but tripe nonetheless.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago

Well, maybe if you love your spouse enough to never do anything that requires it. Of course “sorry” doesn’t mean much coming from a cheater anyway. Or so I hear. Mine never bothered.

WarriorPrincess
WarriorPrincess
4 years ago

Sorry is just an acknowledgement of wrong doing. Sorry doesn’t mean they won’t do it again.

Lillian Rayward
Lillian Rayward
4 years ago

Yes, my husband claimed he loved me while having sex with numerous women behind my back. I can pass on that type of “love”.

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
4 years ago

Well I am sure he did Lillian as mine informed me that apparently ‘Love Never Dies’. Mwahahahahaha.

This is the tip of the iceberg of the new age goop I had to endure in a rather short space of time.

Adele
Adele
4 years ago

Mine loved me, our children- while risking our lives by fucking any willing whore.

I told him to keep the love for other people and instead start respecting his family and their right to live a disease free life

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
4 years ago

My XW said “In ancient times men had multiple wife’s and they loved them. I love you and the MOM. You can love more then one at the same time.” ????????????

oldcrone
oldcrone
4 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

You can HAVE SEX with multiple people (mine was an equal opportunity cheater, gender didn’t matter), but love? Nah.
Fucking around behind not just my back, but also cheating on the folks who he cheated with.
Who says men can’t multitask?

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago
Reply to  oldcrone

Mine also hundreds of anon strange over a decade, not fussed on gender.

He said, (to both me and teenage son), that is was about more than sex, it was about VALIDATION. Ahhh -of course – a wife and children who love you aren’t as validating as a dude in a very dark gay club who thinks YOU are the most fuckable that day. Or he (female) hooker who tells you how hot you are. (Because you paid them).

Love = gratification/validation. It’s that simple. Make them feel good or make them look good – their understanding of “love”. Any person that does not gratify a cheater narc is discarded – including their kids.

Ally
Ally
4 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

OMG, were we married to the same narcissistic fucktard? Mine videoed himself with over 200 women and men, including videos of him having sex with people in our fucking house whilst I was out at work and kids were at school. Also having sex with people in hotels on our anniversary and valentines day before coming home to take me out for a meal ffs. Date and time stamps on his sex tapes stash were very useful. I don’t know how he even held down a job, that many videos, he was a prolific sex chaser.

Stig
Stig
4 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

That might be the most honest thing a cheater has ever said, if by validation, he meant kibbles.

Deee
Deee
4 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

But there were very different codes of conduct for men vs women back then – depending on where/when you XW transported herself to she could have faced death in a very barbaric way for her actions – I would also say that these cheaters don’t really understand love – it isn’t love when you are lying and deceiving people – it’s sex

marissachump
marissachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Deee

I wouldn’t even say that’s sex. It’s not consensual when you are being deceived for sex. I’d say it’s sexual assault.

NenaB
NenaB
4 years ago
Reply to  marissachump

Agree. As is screwing at least 3 women (that i know of, myself included) without condoms, in a single day, because *you’re the only one im screwing [over]*. I go a step further. Its rape. Non-consensual unsafe sex. Im sure if we all knew he was putting his unsheathed dick elsewhere we would have wanted condoms, or no sex at all.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago
Reply to  marissachump

So does Joyce Short with all her work on consent awareness and sexual assault

oldcrone
oldcrone
4 years ago

Thank you for pointing us to Joyce Short. She is doing important work around “consent”, what it is and what it isn’t.
One of her important points is that there can be no consent if all parties are not equally informed.
Without total honesty from both parties, sex is sexual assault. And passing on STDS in the process should be aggravated assault, in my opinion.
It’s time for the laws to change.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago
Reply to  marissachump

Agree 100%.

Ex Pilot’s Wife
Ex Pilot’s Wife
4 years ago

Oh yes! He loved me. I was his “queen.” He just needed a bunch of princesses too. That’s just the way he is. He actually said that to me. After 40 years of marriage during which he plowed through a multitude of princesses. No thanks!

Gingerbreadman42223
Gingerbreadman42223
4 years ago

Isn’t that the biggest mindfuck of all? They say “I love you”. No they don’t. I loved her and I would just as soon have a pineapple shoved up my ass and ripped out of my nose than betray my spouse. They don’t have love. What they mean to say is you’re just so gosh darn useful being the fallback plan, the soft landing, the sure thing. That’s what “I love you” means in their language.

EstellaO
EstellaO
4 years ago

Chumptastic, this Love Story reference is perfect–and wasn’t it based (in part) on Al Gore (cheater) and Tipper Gore? As they said in my youth, “Gag me with a spoon!”

Threetimesachump
Threetimesachump
4 years ago

If you lay down with a skank you might wake up with a STD

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago

“But I’m NOT a cheater!”

“I want to divorce so I can carry on in peace”

(after years of sparkledick’s very hard and effective work of keeping me in the dark he suddenly wanted to retire…)

Charley Chump
Charley Chump
4 years ago

Hang in there baby, let me have cake.

TitsAndAssAndAllThat
TitsAndAssAndAllThat
4 years ago

Everyone gets a participation STD!

Live your best lie!

Hi, I’m Mary and I’m a stay-at-home chump!

My other car is my P.I. following you.

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
4 years ago

Good ones!

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago

Well done!

QueenMother
QueenMother
4 years ago

Hahahah!! Love them!

Adele
Adele
4 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

I have never had a double life… just did few bad things.

Said a husband who cheated, created profiles, fucked whores, dated in secrecy whoever was willing, had sexcapades on business trips, secret emails, secret money and everything in between, while presenting devoted husband/father persona to the whole world.
Yes, no double life there

Chumpoftwo
Chumpoftwo
4 years ago

Mine said to me after he realised I found out why he left suddenly ‘I love you as the mother of my children, but Im not in love with you’. I translate that to *You fulfilled your job and are no longer useful to me. I have already replaced you. Be thankful I impregnated you*

NOTE – we were together 15 years, my eldest is nearly 7.

PhysicsGal
PhysicsGal
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpoftwo

The exact line I got. I love you as the mother of my children but I’m not in love with you.

Lisa Braun
Lisa Braun
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpoftwo

So weird, my ex fiance told me the same thing about his ex wife. “I will always love her, she’s the mother of my children.”

Didn’t realize this was a thing with the disordered.

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago
Reply to  Lisa Braun

I got that too. I think they say that because they want to be treated with honor and respect. They think if they honor you, you’ll honor them. Problem was with mine, he had no intention of reciprocating that honor.

Sisu
Sisu
4 years ago
Reply to  Lisa Braun

AAk! How do I change my screen name on the above post?

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Sisu

Sisu
Send Tracy an email and she will fix it. I did that too and she acted swiftly 🙂

Longview
Longview
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpoftwo

Oh gawd….I got that one too as he was walking out the door: “I will always love you as the mother of my children and would lay down my life for you!” I wanted to vomit.

oldcrone
oldcrone
4 years ago
Reply to  Longview

So true. Mine said he’d “take a bullet” for me.
Uh, thanks?
At this point I’d rather have had him “put on a condom” on for me.
STDS do create lifelong health issues, as I now know.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  oldcrone

One of the lines I got was ‘trust me’.

I did.

He left anyway.

Lesson learned.

Ouch.

Regina
Regina
4 years ago
Reply to  Longview

Isn’t he the Drama Queen! Cheater guys/girls are Drama Queens. Life is a porno movie and they are the stars!

Duddersgetschumped
Duddersgetschumped
4 years ago
Reply to  Longview

I got these weird kisses on my face while trying to cuddle me when I was almost hyperventilating with stress and pain. Apparently, those kisses were gratitude, gratitude for all that I had done for our family.

God why didn’t I get a baseball bat and literally beat the shit of of him.

Or at a minimum just laugh in his face.

playedlikeafiddle
playedlikeafiddle
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpoftwo

What is it with these douchebags about referencing our motherhood during this? When I told Voldemort to go ahead with her and leave me alone since I was so “horrible”. He replied “If you saw her you would know why I would never want anything to do with her. She’s a stupid B and she’s not mother material. You are” WOW so basically “let me have cake while you provide awesome motherhood to the kids we made” Married 15 years at that time and my oldest was also 7.

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
4 years ago

Married 13, oldest kidlet was 7 years old, youngest was 7 months when RonBurgundy left. She was maybe 4 months when the affair with InternWhore began.

Finding Peace
Finding Peace
4 years ago

Mine kept saying “He would be a better Mother.” I was the stay at home mom; who was homeschooling. I spent every minute playing with and planning activities. Had pictures done every 6 months; hair braided; nails done, etc. 2 Girls. Married 15 years also. My youngest was 5; dd was 1 week before she turned 5. 2 years later he has done no pictures of them. I send them clothing because he won’t purchase any. I braid hair the night before he picks them up because it was taking 4 hours to brush out because he refuses to brush it. He refuses to take them to doctor or dental appointments. They just spew what ever lies they can to play the “Good Guy” and try to hurt you.
He’s the last person anyone wants as a parent; much less a mother.

conniejored
conniejored
4 years ago

Weird. I was married 12 years and our son was also 7 when he left/cheated/was found out.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
4 years ago

My ex said.
I never slept with her. I would never do that to you.
We were just friends. She liked to have fun.
No I did not go out three nights a week. You are making that up.
I could go on and on with his pathetic lies. I think my ex’s theme song should be It wasn’t me.

Finding Peace
Finding Peace
4 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

They don’t even care that they lie, its 1st nature. My ex posted publicly that “I said every word out of his mouth was a lie; and he can lie in more languages than I know.”

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
4 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Ha! Yep, lies. My XW said “It’s not the way it looks.”
[She’s a cop, works the graveyard shift. She snuck into our BR @ 3:30 am, thinking I was asleep; I wasn’t. It was dark. She quietly got her make-up bag, a pair of panties and condoms, then snuck out of the house and drove off into the night to meet Sgt. Sugardick. When I inquired later that morning, I got the above response.]

ChumpedPunk
ChumpedPunk
4 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Mine tried that one on too. Didn’t work so well when I showed him that I had proof. A mental divorce doesn’t work so well.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

The lies are unbelievable aren’t they! They will swear black is white even when you present them with all the evidence to the contrary!

Freeatlast
Freeatlast
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

So true, I found a nude photo of another woman wand after asking now ex who it was he replied that the photo was too blurry to tell! It was a perfectly clear photo! He tried to make me doubt my own eyes. I knew then he was hopeless.

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
4 years ago
Reply to  Freeatlast

Seems to me that if he only had ONE, he’d know, blurry or not. Definitely busted!

Mandie101
Mandie101
4 years ago
Reply to  weddingbelle

Reminds me of a quote: who you going to believe? Me? Or your lying eyes?

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

In our marriage it got to the point where if I said the sky was blue he would have said it was green. He contradicted me on principle.

Not Crazy
Not Crazy
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

My STBX ALWAYS contradicted me too! No matter how trivial the comment or topic.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
4 years ago

Everybody’s telling me these days: “you just have to get connected.” I can imagine a cheater to an affair partner…

“You need to get connected. With my penis.”

playedlikeafiddle
playedlikeafiddle
4 years ago

???? In a world where we are all so isolated, connect with me tonight.

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
4 years ago

When I notified my then-wife about my positive test results for herpes she gave me, she replied “Maybe this is just a sign that we’re meant to be together.”

Mandie101
Mandie101
4 years ago

She gives new meaning to God moves in mysterious ways.

My got herpes from the woman that was sleeping with three othrr managers besides him and her main man. He passed it on to me and of course our child. Piece of shit he is. He also passed it on to the other ows.
I told him we’d have to use condoms after that. His response :I’m your husband! I should no have to use condoms.
I laughed at him and said now you know this?
I saw the first ow. She looked very ill… Like hiv ill. And I gave thanks that I left before it got worse.
If he wasn’t using protection he never would.
They are low. Just low. I despise cheaters.

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago

GDD

Herpes means you are “meant to be together”…wow, like a suicide pact for true love. She may win for the Cray Cray prize.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago

You win, Dad, you win.

KT
KT
4 years ago

Oh wow… that’s a new low right there. Just when I’m convinced that men are the most extreme narcissists one of you guys comes along with an ex that proves me dead wrong. Let’s just ship them all to their own planet already

BlindsidedCHMP
BlindsidedCHMP
4 years ago
Reply to  KT

When told my XW that I know she is fucking her howorker, she uttered :

“It’s not the way it looks. We just flirting. He is 20 years younger (she is 52), don’t be ridiculous!”

Later when showed her proofs of her sneaking in to a cheap hotel to fuck him,

She: “I only did it twice, we didn’t have time to do it more often, we both had to take care of our families and ‘primary’ relationships.”

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
4 years ago
Reply to  KT

I agree, Sirchumpalot, men aren’t as vocal about it. Hence the perception.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
4 years ago
Reply to  KT

KT, men just aren’t as vocal about it. But women can be just as bad. My XW is a covert narcissist or possibly has BPD.

karenb6702
karenb6702
4 years ago

Me too GDD
Although he swore he never even kissed her , well maybe he kissed her , Ok he diffidently kissed her but that’s all !

I’ve tested positive for Herpes though how do you explain that ?

** Crickets **

Teacup Storm
Teacup Storm
4 years ago

I’m not going to be any good at the actual challenge that was set in this post, but when the cheater says about himself: ‘I was too naive to realise I was having an affair’ followed by ‘Yes, we’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 years’, that’s got to be worth half points, right?

al K
al K
4 years ago
Reply to  Teacup Storm

You get full points! What an idiot, you really can’t make this shit up!

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago
Reply to  Teacup Storm

From time time we all say, “I thought I’d heard it all.” Today it’s my turn again, Teacup Storm: “I was too naive” . . .”? What?

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Teacup Storm

TeaCup, I think that nugget deserves a Chump Lady cartoon! My sides are still hurting from laughing so hard.

Just think, you got rid a spending the rest of your life by a total MORON!

ChumpetyChumpChump
ChumpetyChumpChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Teacup Storm

Oh, I’m thinking full points and maybe a gold star. My, gawd. What an idiot.

backtobeingme
backtobeingme
4 years ago

Ex and AP reveled in being “soulmates”- when in reality, they were only “soul-less mates”

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago
Reply to  backtobeingme

Mine spelled it “sole mates” in his love letter to her.

Hahaha! I agree! Two matching heels!

Langele
Langele
4 years ago

Every time you write “sole mates”,
it makes me think of the idiot I married.

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago

Every time you write “sole mate” I think of the religion Bokononism in Kurt Vonnegut’s novel “Cat’s Cradle,” in which practitioners connect through putting the soles of their feet together. But I think your “two matching heels” is perfect!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago

He thinks it’s CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING

But it’s really CONSCIOUS CUCKOLDING.

And in some cases followed by UNCONSCIOUS
CASTRATING.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

Lean In. Ooh yeah, that’s it, right there…

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yo, Ux!!

Madge
Madge
4 years ago

Bumper stickers with footnotes:

Coexist. (With my addiction, as a distant second choice.)

Cheater on board. (Vows out the window.)

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
4 years ago
Reply to  Madge

WWCD. (What Would Chump Lady Do)

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago

Captain,

Love this one. Easy to remember in tense situations.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
4 years ago

“I never had sexual relations with that woman! (I did fuck every orifice she has, but sexual relations? Never!)”

Doingme
Doingme
4 years ago

Nanthony is by far the saddest most pathetic woman the Limited could land; so dumb she’s quotable; not notable unless speaking of not only a lack of intelligence, she possesses an even greater greater lack of self respect.

He won’t cheat on ME.

She wouldn’t like it if I talk to you. (Limited)

I have a new granddaughter. (Meaning my then 13 year old lovey.)

I don’t know what happened.(Limited)

How’s that working for them? Don’t care. He wasn’t invited to his granddaughters graduation. She wasn’t invited to the party. He didn’t show.

Jamie
Jamie
4 years ago

Whatever’s meant to be fucked, will be.

Chlamydia is a choice.

Live and let me cheat.

Let people enjoy infidelity.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago

“If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me…..(your income, house payment, stepkid’s tuition, social status at church)…..ooooooooohh no, baby please don’t go.”

playedlikeafiddle
playedlikeafiddle
4 years ago

Yes!! ????

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago

I’ll bet you heard Peter Cetera’s voice while reading that…..

Mezz
Mezz
4 years ago

After I discovered the affair and moved out, the ex sent me a long, rambling email full of denials. When I confronted him with evidence that his email was nothing but lies (I hadn’t yet discovered Chump Lady and was unraveling the skein of fuckedupedness for a while), he actually said “But all of the words between the lies are true.”

It still makes me laugh. What the hell?

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
4 years ago
Reply to  Mezz

This one gets my vote for the win, Mezz. It captures exactly how my EX thought. Since most of the time he wasn’t with his “soul mate,” he should be credited for fidelity; since most of the time he wasn’t calling me names, he should be credited with kind behavior; since most of his paycheck hadn’t been funneled into a private account, he should be credited with full financial transparency; since he drove one kid to one sporting event this week, he should be credited with excellent parenting; since most of his words weren’t lies, he could claim to be “very truthful.”

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy,

Thank you for clarifying Mezz’s words even further. Hit me right between the eyes since that is the stance the X took but I didn’t know how to respond because he was indeed thinking in the ways which you have put forth. All was one huge muddle in my shocked mind. Now, thanks to CL and CN, the once huge muddle is being divided out into tangible little nuggets of wisdom and ammunition of self protection.

( I think this is what ‘they’ call, making the unconscious conscious so it can be dealt with, although the word unconscious doesn’t really accurately fit the state of my shocked mind. My experience of what is going on within my mind is an avalanche of ‘unbeknownst information/lack of information/an entirely new reality thrust upon me out of the blue type of consciousnes’s. ‘Muddle’ therefore, is the word I have chosen to try to convey why your words helped me so.)

Thus said, I see it much more clearly now and, hence, feel like I can stand up for myself better since I still have the niggling habit of denying myself/my reality in favor of him. Detox takes time.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

“I ONLY lied to ONE person; and that was ONLY about my activities in the sexual realm; and they were ONLY lies of omission.”

“I am fundamentally an honest man.”

“I felt I had no choice.” Me: “You had NO CHOICE?” Him: “That’s NOT WHAT I SAID!!! I said I FELT I had no choice.”

playedlikeafiddle
playedlikeafiddle
4 years ago
Reply to  Mezz

Bahahaha that is a good one. In a horrible disgusting way.

“But all the sex between the sheets was fake and nasty”

Mine was so defensive before I even had an inkling of an idea what was going on, that now I remember and don’t even know why I didn’t see it for what it was.

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago

“There are lots of different types of love.”
“It’s a certain kind of truth.”
”She doesn’t like the drama that comes with monogamy”

Nicole
Nicole
4 years ago

Laughing out loud over here at the idea of someone who can’t stand the “drama of monogamy” navigating polyamory drama-free.

SkyFullofStars
SkyFullofStars
4 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Same here! Omg, that had me laughing more than I’ve laughed in days. “Drama in monogamy”. LOL!!

Persephone
Persephone
4 years ago

Drama in monogamy: priceless

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
4 years ago

My other girlfriend is my wife.

Overheard at a bar in my youth. On my way to the bathroom I “accidentally” spilled my Long Island Ice Tea on him and did I happen to have palmed some lipstick too? Whoops.

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
4 years ago

“My other girlfriend is my wife” would love some bumper stickers to plaster on known cheaters cars!

manna
manna
4 years ago

“It’s no fun to whore around when you don’t have anyone to whore around on. “

Racquel
Racquel
4 years ago

All I am asking. Give my penis a chance.

Racquel
Racquel
4 years ago

A whore in the hand is worth a marriage in the courts.

Alisa
Alisa
4 years ago

Hoes before bros…and wives and kids and just about everything else.

Chumpedchange
Chumpedchange
4 years ago

That was just words.
This is where i should have left him. As soon as he spoke them. “THAT WAS JUST WORDS” When i asked why he had not kept what i/ we thought was ( a very important life – changing ) promise.
I was married to a mini- trump. Before that was a Thing.
Only 25 years of words only…
He has eaten some of them at this point. #justice

Threetimesachump
Threetimesachump
4 years ago

All that glitters isn’t gold, just a sparklyturd!!!

Meow Mix
Meow Mix
4 years ago

The King of Lies

Finger Licking Clit.

I’d walk a mile for a hooker.

Have a break, have a Katherine and a Katie.

When you care the very best, lie, lie lie.

Look Ma, no Condom!

The divorce lawyer chumps ask for by name.

Corgilove
Corgilove
4 years ago

Beg for forgiveness
If that doesn’t work
Threaten to sue for defamation

Longview
Longview
4 years ago
Reply to  Corgilove

This.

renee62
renee62
4 years ago

MY cheating on you is all YOUR fault!

I still love you.
It’s only sex with them.

cuzchump
cuzchump
4 years ago
Reply to  renee62

My ex also blamed me for his affair with Skankella. He said, ” If you only would have gone out to bars and wanted to play pool. I would not have been friends with her.” I guess being a responsible wife and Mother was a bummer. He needed to sneak around with a party animal. You know Girls just wanna have fun.

Mandie101
Mandie101
4 years ago
Reply to  cuzchump

Ahhhh yes. Blaming your for their decisions and actions.
Mine said to me that his leaving was my fault. The shitty thinking. They are the personification of the expression ‘to be full of shit’

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago

Mine took the noble sausage stance and declared to me, when he put a two-truffle box of chocolates in my mailbox at work two weeks after we separated: “Kindness eases change.”
So: “Kindness eases change” morphs to “A killer divorce lawyer eases change.”

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
4 years ago

“The Best proof of love is trust” (but verify)

RaesOfChumpshine
RaesOfChumpshine
4 years ago

“I never could be a complete human without having my ‘Slut Phase;’ you should understand since you dated around before we met.”

I also figured out object permanence before we met, and stopped putting random objects in my mouth. Guess he’s still figuring that one out, too.

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago

I got the same the same kind of “it’s just a phase I missed as a young man” bullshit as well.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago

Oh yeah. I got that too in and around the “you weren’t meeting my needs” blameshifting bullshit.

KarmaIsDelish
KarmaIsDelish
4 years ago

“I didn’t want to hurt any one” “I’m sorry if you felt maligned” And the best from the *gasp* twu wuvy “If I was more intelligent I would had half of the pension”.

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
4 years ago

I am not leaving my family, just you!

Of course I have not seen or talk to my kids in 4 years and paid nothing towards their schooling and life since they turned 18, they are adults and could get a job, they do not need school. I am a GREAT Dad.

Parental alienation!!!.

Mighty miss
Mighty miss
4 years ago
Reply to  TheBestMe

I have anal sex with her, she makes 6 figures, she is fit and works out every day……..she is classy

WTF!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  Mighty miss

One in the ass is worth two in the bush.

Geode
Geode
4 years ago
Reply to  Mighty miss

Rx: take anal sex with prostitutes 3x weekly for severe ED. Follow up with attorney.

Deee
Deee
4 years ago
Reply to  Mighty miss

What is their obsession about anal sex?

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago
Reply to  Deee

Thank all of you for saying this. WTF? This was the story of my life. And where I live, people are SOOOOOOOO into sexual liberation that leaving your wife of 17 years to fulfill your porno fantasies is considered a valid reason for “drifting apart”. But what do you do when you fall in back door love? You have to follow your heart.

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago
Reply to  Deee

It’s degrading to women. Same with “facials”.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago
Reply to  TheBestMe

I hear you. I got the same line. But that was a few weeks after the initial discovery when he said “I never wanted kids”. Then they discover how much easier it is to be a good dad when they aren’t bogged down by full custody and all the work that goes along with it. Disney Dad is fun. Homework and “go to bed” dad is a drag.

Hopeful
Hopeful
4 years ago

“We were divorced in my mind so it was okay.”

– Well news flash to me. Maybe you could’ve, I don’t know, SAID something to let me know???

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
4 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

“I just want you to know that nothing happened until our marriage was over”. Said to me while we were still married.

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago

He wins the prize for dumbest cheater.

playedlikeafiddle
playedlikeafiddle
4 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Yup I got the same

“It was already over in my head”

At least I don’t have to live there like he does ????

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago

“You should have know.”

Like he didn’t even have to take responsibility for telling me. Talk about reversing blame…MY fault because I didn’t know.

So, let’s say I did know, then what?

I wasn’t quick enough to ask him that. In fact, when he said the above I think I just fell silent with disbelief. That was before CL and CN while I was quickly learning the pick-me-dance polka.

oldcrone
oldcrone
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

Mine said that he never lied.
I just didn’t ask the right questions.
Well, I did ask what he did all day while I was at work. (He retired 12 years before me, but I couldn’t because – health insurance.)
I guess I should have been asking “who did you do all day”.
I take full responsibility. Not.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
4 years ago
Reply to  oldcrone

It’s like they all share the same brain (cell). Mine told me that if I asked him the right questions, he would have told me the truth but I never asked, ergo he didn’t lie.

SMH….well not anymore. That is not my monkey, nor is it my circus anymore thankfully!

Deee
Deee
4 years ago

I can’t believe how many people think this is a rationale. Kind of like that mustang felt like it was mine so I took it or I thought I could be a doctor so I faked papers to make it look like it. It is bizarre that people only fall for this shit about cheating – nothing else. It seems cheating has become an epidemic.

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Deee

“We weren’t getting along.” It would have been nice if I had known.

“I wanted something different.” He forgot to mention he’d already found his something different.
Mr. Integrity should have wanted to save his marriage and family.

“I don’t feel butterflies when I’m with you.” My response to that is we aren’t teenagers.

“I have more in common with AP”.
We were married 20 years, (together 25) have a son.
He known AP for 6 months after meeting in a hotel gym/bar and they have more in common.

He was the sad sausage, looking for admiration and excitement. Rather than work on our marriage he worked on something different.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
4 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Don’t ya just love that?

I got the infamous:” Our marriage has been over for years!” Even though we were still taking vacations together, telling each other we loved each other every day and still having sex.

That memo did not reach me. Not to worry. 3 years after dday and wreckconciliation I demonstrated how to really end a marriage! Idiots!!

Creativerational
Creativerational
4 years ago

‘I felt so bad about being with you because I knew if you knew the truth you wouldn’t want me. So I just kept going ….’ (to hookers. And online chat rooms. And gang bangs and glory hole meets on Craigslist, and massage parlours, and knocking up your coworker… )

Yep. Because after that starts, while I’m still in the dark the obvious reason it keeps going is because you feel so guilty….

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Ruggermom
Ruggermom
4 years ago

“I’m not as good as I once was, but I
am better than I used to be.”

Wait. What?

Said during wreckoncilation. I took it to mean he is saying he will never change.

littlesigns
littlesigns
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

Thats a country song. No shit.

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

Good Lord, this makes me cross eyed, my left brain and right brain both hurt.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

“There are 3 sides to every story” said a friend, who is soon an erstwhile friend because she has trouble with my anger having left her husband for another man. #loveisfleeting #spreadtheblamearound

Deee
Deee
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

That is not a friend – it is an excuse maker. If we all just thought about our own needs children and the elderly would be left to take care of themselves. The cornerstone of a society is how we treat others. Me thinks our society is in trouble.

Mustard Seed
Mustard Seed
4 years ago

What doesn’t kill you leaves you nearly dead.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Mustard Seed

Love this!

Kiminator
Kiminator
4 years ago
Reply to  Mustard Seed

Love, love, love this! Thanks.

RandomChump
RandomChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Mustard Seed

What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago
Reply to  RandomChump

PERFECT

donebeingahypotenuse
donebeingahypotenuse
4 years ago

MAGA: Make Affairs Great Again

ChumpXSeven
ChumpXSeven
4 years ago

In counseling narc talked about how he had Fridays off and so that was his time.
Counselor asked when wife (me) got her time. He shrugged. Counselor asked if weekends and he said no that is family time. Then she asked about nights. Again he said that is family time. Counselor then said “So she doesn’t get any time to herself”
Narc: ” I didn’t say that you did”

** eye roll **
Ps. He spent his fridays (his time) masturbating.. literally for hours.

marissachump
marissachump
4 years ago
Reply to  ChumpXSeven

Sounds like a good Friday to me… *shrug*

That said, he sounds like a selfish piece of shit.

Chumptastic Voyage
Chumptastic Voyage
4 years ago

“Sometimes the good, is the enemy of the best.”
(Graduate degree in Creative Writing-can’t interpret basic “faux-losophy”)

“Without the dark, one would never see the stars.”

“Without the narc, one would never meet randos in bars.”

“Sometimes, I think it may have been better, if you had never met me.”- Rat Bastard, May 2018 (through feigned tears)
“But what’s best? Unknowing you now, and tomorrow.”- C.V. July 2019

Cloud
Cloud
4 years ago

Not my now ex, but schmoopie:

“I know I’ve probably hurt you. I am sorry. And this divorce is really a hard thing you’re going through, so I want to be a resource for you.”

(As someone who’d been divorced three times herself, she was offering to help me divorce my husband!)

She also said to my adult daughter just last month, whom she’s met twice:

“Because your dad loves you, I love you too.”

She also does a ton of new age counseling— and drugs both of which are for “enlightenment.”

playedlikeafiddle
playedlikeafiddle
4 years ago

Disgusting is in the eye of the beholder; be willfully blind.

My STBXH would hate when I’d say gross or use the throw up emoji when I referred to his extramarital relations so I imagine this would be his. And he also said if I saw her I would know why he wants nothing to do with her. LMAO

Over It
Over It
4 years ago

As seen on actual cheater’s social media, “let no one take away your SPARKLE!!!!!! (With included sparkly emoji)”.

I really wish she took the sparklyturd that is dragging out my divorce.

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
4 years ago

Dating myself here:

I’m O.K.-you, not so much.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago

“You used to complete me.” From the one really terrible line in an otherwise pretty good movie, when Jerry Maguire tells Dorothy Boyd, “You complete me.”

____________________________________-
“Don’t shoplift the pootie” is an anti-jackass line.
“I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.”–Super Chumpy line)
Wisdom:
“Maybe love shouldn’t be such hard work.”–Dorothy
“If the heart is empty, the head doesn’t matter.”–Dicky Fox
“Hey… I don’t have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I have failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you my kind of success.”–Dicky Fox

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
4 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

“Don’t worry about what others say about your choices — do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy”
Cheaterspeak: as long as I’m happy, the hell with ethics, morals, values, character — how dare anyone challenge *me* about lying, cheating, or stealing marital funds. It’s *my* happiness that matters!!!

Exh2/The Evil One posted this on his Facebook page.
All I’ve ever been told was that he “wasn’t happy” — four years later, he’s still with OWife, but he hasn’t changed one bit. As long as I get child support and he keeps up with visitation, and he stays the hell out of my business, I’m good.

Nicole
Nicole
4 years ago

Some people really get carried away with the “self care” movement. Uh… self care is about valuing yourself, not trashing other people’s lives.