Where are they? Mostly lurking. (Assuming they aren’t your stalking ex. Google doesn’t have a break down for that. Yet.)
With 26 million-plus page views and nearly 5 million unique visitors — that’s a lot of guys with a morbid curiosity about infidelity.
Probably because it happened to them. And no one talks about it.
Until today I’d never devoted a column to what exactly makes the guy chump experience uniquely sucktacular. A reader reached out to me on Twitter to ask for this column, (I can only assume because guy chumps aren’t knocking down doors to write it.)
But first some caveats — THIS IS NOT THE PAIN OLYMPICS. Today we’re going to be empathetic to the good guys, the men who loved with their whole hearts, and got played. I too am owed thousands in back child support. I am painfully aware of the Patriarchy. Women usually have it worse by many measures. Understood. But if you care about justice, you care about it for everyone.
And if you believe in the full humanity of all — then you also understand that Everyone Can Suck. Women can suck, gay people can suck… Because we’re human, a portion of us are going to suck. Accepting that there are guy chumps, we must also accept that some straight women and gay men are terrible people.
Also, this isn’t a valentine to the Men’s Rights trolls, those incels who hate everything with an ovary. This is about our people — chumps. Guys who believed in commitment and family, and got fucked over. Without further ado.
What Uniquely Sucks About Being a Guy Chump:
1.) Paternity testing. Everything is so jolly about those made-for-TV cheater romances, but you never see the DNA kits. Left off screen is the guy who has to cheek swab his child. Or tortures himself thinking about it.
The accepted narrative (if we talk about this at all) is that of COURSE the man loves the child he was deceived into thinking was his. And okay, his wife was naughty, but Wasn’t It All For The Best because Love Is Love?
No one imagines the horror of such a betrayal. To the man, and the child. The cheater receives the investment of this man’s love and support, and the child has a primal bond with a parent risked, damaged, or destroyed — because of a mother’s deceit.
And the story is always told as the mother’s Forbidden Love or the Terrible Shame she carries for not being able to speak of her dalliance. It’s never cast as a monstrously selfish, cruel thing to do to the people you purport to love. Or seen as theft of another’s reality.
2.) Everyone assumes you suck. Did you get divorced? Oh men are dogs. You must be the villain here, the cheater, the person who wasn’t Meeting Her Needs.
3.) Men don’t talk about it. Whereas women have support systems, girls nights out, and box wine memes, men have crickets. If you can’t talk about it, how do you find the men who’ve gone through it? Do they find you? Do you tell your best friend?
4.) “Cuck.” (Short for cuckold.) We can thank white supremacists for this all-purpose insult to denote weakness.
The cultural importance of the cuckold in America is rooted in racism: in pornography, the wife of the cuckolded (almost exclusively white) husband is most commonly sleeping with African-American men, meant to provide an additional layer of humiliation if the white husband sees that man as “inferior.” In the world of pornography meant to elicit humiliation as an erotic sentiment, cuckold porn takes advantage of its viewers’ racist perceptions.
Yeah. Women get called a lot of things, but we don’t have “cuck.”
5.) Custody. States are coming round to 50/50 custody, but the fact is, if you divorce you’ll lose time with your children. That’s true for both men and women, but more time lost is generally only true for men. A lot of guys get chumped and then are looking down the barrel of every other weekend.
6.) Having to pay child support and/or alimony to your ex and her affair partner(s). Every other weekend, plus the cherry on the shit sundae of paying for the privilege.
Every good man supports his children. And child support doesn’t in any way approximate the costs of what it takes to raise a child — however, there is a unique horror in writing a check so that another man (a man who fucked your then-wife) can raise your child.
My only advice to you chumps is — it’s expensive because it’s worth it. Alimony to a cheater is like paying for mold remediation or asbestos removal. You can’t live with it, and you have to pay to get rid of it.
Guy chumps, just remember — as a faithful, whole-heart loving man — you’re a stock that trades high. Never forget it. All the best!
Also, it’s time to come out of the shadows and comment today.