My problem is this. My cheater was a ‘see you , I’m off!’ one. Once the affair was discovered, he was gone. Yes of course, I had the whole mess to clear up, children to mend and a broken heart. He had holidays. We know because shiny new replacement posted about them on social media.
So here I am. New life, new job, lovely home that I’ve renovated. I look okay to the world. But there’s a disconnect between my head and heart. My head knows he’s a terrible man. My heart says I’m terrible.
He told people he couldn’t bear it any longer, (the “it” being me), he told me to f…ing get over it, he told me he was profoundly indifferent to me. Not just your average indifference. Profound indifference. After 30 years. And so so much more.
I don’t struggle with him. He’s a mean man. But I struggle to look at myself. I don’t laugh quite as much, I feel a bit unworthy really.
I do all the positive things mostly. But deep down inside where no one can see, especially my kids who would worry, I am the wife whose husband rated her as less than zero. For years apparently.
Any kick up the backside would be much appreciated.
Who made him High King and Lord Executioner? Why does he get to be the final say on your self-worth? He’s a coward and a cheat.
Apparently you weren’t so awful that he didn’t spend 30 years with you. (Gnawing at the invisible chains that kept him tethered, I’m sure.)
He told me he was profoundly indifferent to me.
And yet, he let you invest 30 years in him. So, he’s okay using people? Fronting a fake commitment? This says everything about him and nothing about you. A man who is “profoundly indifferent” to his wife of three decades and mother of his children is a disturbed person. He’s got an empty bucket where his soul should be.
I’m not saying you can’t fall out of love with people, or end relationships, or achieve “meh” — he’s not saying those things — he’s saying he has a profound disconnection from bonding.
Normal feeling people don’t end things without a lot of heartache and second-guessing and convulsions of grief. Even for bad relationships. (And I’m not even factoring in the therapy carnival rides.)
Disordered people abandon.
I’m sure he told you he was “profoundly indifferent” just to hurt you, but he’s also telling you a truth about himself. How much he sucks. How his indifference enables him to waltz away from the chaos he creates. How he’s a Potemkin partner, a fake.
I am the wife whose husband rated her as less than zero.
Hey, I’d rather be an actual number than an imaginary one.
Who cares what he rates you? He doesn’t determine your worth unless you let him.
Look, I know it’s difficult to spend years with someone without their judgements rubbing off on you. Just ask anyone with a critical mother. (Chump Lady checks her purse for lipstick… she always looks “washed out.”)
The cure for this mindfuck is to spend time with other voices and objective reality. You are a MIGHTY person who put her life — and her children’s lives — back together again after abandonment. You built a lovely new life. You know who gets up after a crushing discard and CREATES LOVELINESS? YOU DO.
What’s he got? A holiday.
Holidays end. (With expensive credit card statements.)
Mightiness is FOREVER.