I’m a newbie chump (7 weeks going on 8) and up until now I behaved really rather well. I kept my cool and didn’t do the pick me dance, I managed not to drunk dial soon-to-be-ex-husband, up until last week he was still ‘harassing’ me via text/emails/calls (especially when drunk) with a mix of apologies, angry abuse and just general chat.
He received the first official separation letter from my lawyer last week and I’ve not heard from him since. However at the weekend I found out that he must’ve introduced Schmoopie to mutual friends as she’d friended a couple of them on Facebook. I promptly deleted said friends and sent them a quick message explaining why. It was all polite etc.
Then the problem arose that him introducing her to mutual friends pushed me over the edge: a long message that I’d drafted weeks ago and resisted from sending made its way to her Facebook inbox. EEK. Overnight I received 2 messages from other mutual friends (long-term friends of his down south) saying that this was a step too far and they couldn’t continue to support me. They blocked me off all social media and my number too, so I didn’t get a chance to explain/apologise for putting them in a difficult position. I’d managed to hold my head up high because it felt like I was definitely on the ‘winning side’ of things, but stbxh introducing his affair partner killed me. It was yet another dish of selfish disrespect that I couldn’t swallow.
Here’s the message to Schmoopie in all its glory (see below): I’m torn between having ‘said my piece’ and also feeling like he’s going to use that to paint me as the crazy bitter rejected wife and I’m waiting to lose all our mutual friends one by one… FYI I’ve checked and thankfully it can’t be constituted as harassment as in Scotland something has to happen minimum twice before it can be. Lucky escape!
I would appreciate any words of wisdom you might have to share!
To the girl dating my husband.
Thank you (Schoompie), for plastering photos of you and my husband while we were – and still are – married. You have no idea what a nightmare you’ve saved me from.
To reward you for your services I’m offering you my husband for keeps. Please note the following:
You will NOT return him to me. I will NOT have him. He messed up when he got involved with you. Don’t be surprised if you don’t live up to me because you won’t and he’ll make you miserable for it once the newness wears off.
I’m not angry with you. You look too young and too dumb to know what you’ve got yourself into. For months I’ve supported him through his substance abuse, anxiety and depression, which for a 40 year old with a new business – took its toll. I made him a priority, to try to alleviate his pain and keep him happy. It’s taken me this long to realise I can’t do that. You won’t be able to either.
Since I found out about you, I asked him and I watched as he lied to me about how you’re ‘just friends’. I’m surprised how easily and adamantly he did and still does. You believe he’s the coolest 40 year old guy on the block. You think he’s loaded. It’s called a credit card and it’s maxed out so don’t get too comfortable.
Talking about finances, you’re going to have to give up those all-paid-for getaways real soon, I say this because he’s going to be giving up a sizeable chunk of his pay in spousal support every month. So forget about his money because it’s mine!
And this surprise message from your boyfriend’s wife? Yes, I do feel completely justified in my actions. Just in case you were wondering.
So thank you (Schoompie), for showing me that 4 years and a marriage were no match for you. I applaud you on a man well won. HE’S ALL YOURS!
I think I fucked up. Help!
What’s done is done. You’re going get some fist bumps today, and you’re going to get some BTDT-I-live-with-the-mortification. No one is in their right mind after being chumped. If you’d asked me, I would’ve told you that nothing says “Do NOT return my husband” like silence.
Consider your cheating husband like a flaming bag of dog poo you left at her door. Now run away! You don’t ring the bell and declare, “This is a bag of flaming dog poo. It’s yours. It smells. It burns. Step in it. I want you to have it.”
No, you let her experience the full sensory immersion of flaming dog poo on her own.
But like I said, what’s done is done. The upside of this whole mess is you found out who the Switzerland friends are — people who a) are notified immediately about the contents of her private inbox and give a flip and b) weigh their short-term acquaintanceship of Schmoopie more than their four year investment in you. So, consider this a life editing job complete. You didn’t need these people.
I know the rejection stings, and the sense that beyond being chumped, you’ve been conspired against. When did these people start hating me? But seriously, you don’t need these people in your life. They aren’t “our” friends — they’re his friends. More flaming dog poo. Let him have them.
Also, it’s just been 8 weeks, and I know you’ve filed for separation — but here’s the thing — his life is now his life. Who he (cough) “dates” is now zero concern of yours. Unless you have kids and need provisions about introductions (which is absolutely impossible to enforce), who he dates, how he dates (37 profiles on hornypatheticdudes.com) is none of your business. You’re divorcing. Wash your hands of him.
Would you want him commenting on YOUR dating life? No. He’s an ex.
When you write a letter like that (see “If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It“) you’re essentially engaging in the pick me dance. It feels like you’re telling them off, but really, you’re just tossing kibbles in the pig trough. Pigs will eat anything. Good kibble, bad kibble. They’re not discerning. It’s all kibble. Your job is not to feed the drama pigs.
You fed the drama pig? Well, she’s probably going to feel like she got top-shelf kibble. YOU CARE. Enough to WRITE to her. He must REALLY be special because you’re telling her he isn’t.
She doesn’t need you to discover who he is. The consequences of his character will do that. You know what will register? His broke ass. His eventual devaluing of her. When she discovers his 37 profiles at hornypatheticdudes.com.
feeling like he’s going to use that to paint me as the crazy bitter rejected wife
He’s already done that. The discard started a long time ago. He would’ve painted you as crazy regardless because he has to cover the stench of his cheating. But yes, it helps not to go along with his narrative. Still he’s going to push that narrative — you don’t control that. The people that matter understand, and the ones who don’t, don’t matter.
Just rock on with your new life, Sarah. Okay, you might feel like you flubbed this one, but it’s irrelevant. What matters is you didn’t pick me dance — you filed.