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UBT: “I Miss the Kitties”

Dear Chump Lady,

Wow, I can’t get it together. I have tried so very hard , but I do not know why after so many years, 35 to be exact and 2 years post divorce, I’m not doing well.

Here is a letter from my ex-husband after I told him I am divorcing him. A little back story, D-Day May 2016, a daughter’s wedding in Aug. 2016. I did not say anything, but a week after the wedding, it’s amazing that I did not have a mental breakdown. A few other things to know, I had 3 miscarrages and one daughter with cancer in 2008 and 2011 that required me to be away from home. He is an attorney and he was fooling around with OW. His mother is a pain in the butt too and calls me all the time.

Here is the letter:

Dear Patty.

I can’t say why this happened, nor why it happened now. I just know we won’t be together as a couple anymore.

I’m not happy to admit that. I feel a sense of guilt, loss, failure, pain and remorse. I’m lonely at times. I’ve heard you might be also.

I miss coming home. I miss the kitties, I miss the thought of what it feels like to lounge on the red sofa, to sit on the deck stairs, to have a home to come home to. Its is very hard.

I want you to know that I have not and will never regret having the great fortune to find you and make a life with you. I cannot and will never deny the incredible impact you have had on me(and will always have) and our beautiful daughters.

I hope and pray that we will forever be of like mind and truly at peace and that we can, together, always be there for our wonderful family.

Love, XH

Patty

Dear Patty,

It took a lot of mightiness to divorce him. He sounds like a classic cake eater, and this letter is a mindfuck. I’m not surprised it’s taken you a couple years to process this and the loss of a 35-year-long marriage.

What solace I can offer is shoving his woe-is-me through the Universal Bullshit Translator. Then maybe you’ll see it’s not about you, it’s him. He’s a louse.

Without further ado.

Dear Patty.

I can’t say why this happened, nor why it happened now.

You caught me with another woman, you divorced me. This sequence of events confuses me. Why Patty?

I just know we won’t be together as a couple anymore.

Whither consequences?

I’m not happy to admit that. I feel a sense of guilt, loss, failure, pain and remorse.

Me, me, me. (Did I mention me?) I feels ALL the feels… except sorry. I got “guilt” and “remorse” but I don’t feel apologies. I’m allergic to those. But I’m very happy to tell you how this all effects ME.

I’m lonely at times.

At times the OW isn’t there to fuck. Entire hours go by when someone isn’t servicing my dick.

#Ineedadaytimer #couldfitUin #Tuesday

I’ve heard you might be also.

Booty call kibble! No apologies, but maybe you miss me? Wink, wink?

Here we are alone, in this confusing inexplicable situation, two lonely people…

#callme #silentringonly

I miss coming home. I miss the kitties, I miss the thought of what it feels like to lounge on the red sofa, to sit on the deck stairs, to have a home to come home to. It’s is very hard.

This is my Sad Sausage Opus. I miss upholstery more than you. I miss the cats. Fuck, I miss the deck stairs.

Zero mention of you. Just pencil yourself in. Don’t make me say it. The ghost who changes the cat litter and vacuums the hair off those perfect red cushions.

You have cast me out without my kitties.

#howcouldU

I want you to know that I have not and will never regret having the great fortune to find you and make a life with you.

They don’t make wife appliances like they used to.

I cannot and will never deny the incredible impact you have had on me(and will always have) and our beautiful daughters.

Or birthing vessels.

You had an impact on me and our daughters. You weren’t totally invisible. Sometimes you were of use. Incredibly so. Just not as memorable as the deck stairs or the sofa cushions. Or the kitties.

(Sob) The KITTIES!

God, Patty you bitch, how could you separate me from those imperious hairballs? They were my spirit animals.

I hope and pray that we will forever be of like mind and truly at peace and that we can, together, always be there for our wonderful family.

Love, XH

I hope and pray that you say nothing of what I did or why you divorced me. It’s more peaceful for me that way. #family

Always be there! Like that Roomba I’ve got plugged in. Does a marvelous job on cat hair.

Love XH

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • It is letters like these that make me grateful to have an ex that did little reading and even less writing. I am also grateful for the technology that enables me to block his sorry ass just in case.

    The UBT never fails to disappoint or demonstrate that all these fuckwits are truly in love with themselves! It isn’t just a summer fling!!

    • What a selfish POS cheaters are. I’m now talking care of my POS after he had a stroke. I hate it everyday. Wish he had been with his whore when it happened. Only reason i look after him is because of my daughter. I have no life. Work and look after the POS. I had saved &’was ready to get out. Yes I’m bitter life is a fucking jock

      • Crazylady, aka Sane/extremely compassionate lady.

        You are amazing! Not many people would step up and do what your doing especially to someone who hurt them. That takes a level of compassion and self restraint he would never understand pre or post stroke. Your daughter is lucky to have you as her mother now and always.

        Now with that being said…there are a number of facilities that I’m sure he would fit right in. I like to think of life in terms of role reversals when it comes to stuff like this..would he care for you in your time of need? In my case if something happened to me, I would be on my own, having no chump to fall back on.

        Do not send yourself to an early grave. Go out and gain a life. Life is short and precious. Anyone who would knowingly break your heart into irreparable pieces doesn’t deserve what time you have left on earth.

      • Oh CrazyLady, please take care of yourself! He broke the marital contract by cheating & you have no obligation to take card of him “in sickness or in health.” Please please find a way to put yourself & your daughter first!

      • I’m so sorry, CrazyLady. No wonder you have your moniker; having to care for a fuckwit with special needs is a double wollop of awful.

        I do, however, hope you are feeding him lots of french fries and processed foods; you know, just to save yourself time in the kitchen ; ).

        • CrazyLady you sound like a wonderful caring person. It is no longer your job to care for your husband. He broke the marriage contract when he cheated. Why isn’t the OW taking care of him?? There are plenty of Long-Term Care and Personal Care Homes that could care for him. Caring for an ill spouse will drain you. And I am sure if you were the one who had the stroke he would have not taken care of you.

        • And if he has a catheter then maybe a little kink in the tubing would be appropriate…. golly gee I have no idea how he turned septic!

      • Google “respite care near me”. Adult day care is a thing, and it’s often subsidized. Research it, check out resources like AARP, and get yourself some deserved REST.

        I won’t comment on you caregiving him — that’s your choice. But caregivers deserve BREAKS.

    • Damn……I can’t believe what kind of stupid sauce I been swimming in that I didn’t even NOTICE (until CL pointed it out) that this fuckwit cheater is missing the sofa and kitties blah blah blah, but NO mention of missing Patty??? Jesus take the wheel. That shit hit me so hard I couldn’t breathe. It’s hard to keep trying to “redo” or “renew” or “rebuild” myself, or wthever we’re calling how we came out of this kind of bullshit of mass destruction. Some days I just can’t and today I guess is one of them. I’m so sorry Patty. Also, very grateful for CL who peels back our eyelids and wipes away the smear of bullshit so we can actually SEE. But, instead of feeling instantly like this realization will help me make it, I only feel evermore the dumbass. I know with some time and reflection I’ll get to the right place with it all, but it sucks that it’s not as close as I’d thought. And I didn’t write this bc I’m having a pity party for myself (it’s cringey to admit, but I’ve been there too). I was truly shocked by the cold hard truth I didn’t even NOTICE on the first read of Patty’s letter to CL. This shit is really hard 🥺

      • Don’t feel dumb. We’ve all been there as chumps. Also I read a LOT of bullshit. I’m many years out, and I’m a professional editor. Cutting through written crap is what I’ve done my entire professional life.

        • ChumpedupChik that was…so perfectly said and I’m with you. And thank you CL for offering our world the UBT which is always enlightening to this recovering Chump (I think I’m fully out of delusion land!! no more hopium for me…).

          • Thanks for the kind words y’all! I’m well worn out of hopium too, and still I miss these kind of shittyass things I thought would be obvious to me by now. It really did catch me off guard & set me sideways to realize I missed this huge mindfuck (but is also why I still read here & am so thankful for CL & CN). After reading all the great responses and having more time to think about it, I realized I’m still quite twitchy about it at times because I don’t want to feel like I’m vulnerable to missing this shit anymore. Some douchebags are flagrant with their mindfuckery, but it’s the ones like this fake-ass-sniveling-kitty-missing wanker who raise it to another level – sniper like “pro-level” mindfuckers. The snarky ones are horrible & obnoxious, but at least they’re easier for me to spot.

  • As usual the Universal Translator is spot on!

    What an asshole he is…missing the kitties… um yeah

  • I snorted coffee on the keyboard.

    Patty – I hope you and the kitties are very happy together. I also very much hope your kids are doing well!

    What a creep he is and kudos for dumping him.

  • This may be the best UBT translation yet. 35 years and she doesn’t even get a mention above the furniture and cats. Yes, he’s a prize worth mourning over two years after the fact. NOT.

    No one finds the hidden truth in these BS letters like you!

    • C’mon … she get a mention! She had an IMPACT. Like, she was AROUND and all. Birthing. Choosing sofas etc.

      Same old … the Wife Appliance is part of the Home Package. They LOVE Home. It’s the best part of the cake really,with it’s stairs and cushions and kitties and stuff like that. They crack a BIG sadz over their tragic deprivation of Home and Family.

      After D Day my cheater patted himself on the back; “You asked me to leave, and I didn’t fight that.” Noble.

      • Hi Mamameh

        I agree with you that he is not noble but if he refused to leave it would be worse. I did a 10 month live in separation because when I asked my cheating pos to leave he said “not a chance it is 50 percent my house and you can’t make me leave” – unfortunately he was right and I had a son in his final year of high school. It was hell on me and my kids – I could forgive the cheating (not to be with him and it was seriously wrong) but I will never be able to forgive him for his cruel cold and callous treatment of me (and to some extent our children).

        • I had a four-year post-d-day live-in separation, although I did not know it was separation; it was supposed to be “re-booting” our relationship. Found out to him it meant cake-eating and letting his wandering member continue to wander. He was also exceptionally cruel, cold and callous to me, and the kids got to witness it. Now, if I can just get a settlement out of this stingy asshat, I will re-build for the kids and myself. It’s going to take a lot of re-building because my spirit is broken. Somewhere in my exhausted body, though, I will wrest the strength to triumph – eventually.

        • Deee
          100% image management.

          After informing me via late fri night phone call from a self-development course (and then finishing the 3 day course, only coming home after work on mon) that he’d spent ten years doing hookers and gay clubs – yes sex with hundreds of anonymous strangers since youngest child was babe in arms – he knew that refusing to go would not be a good look.

          Until he got his own place two months later tho we BOTH spent time couch surfing while chumpy me absented MYself from my home so he could be with the kids.

          Two years later and he has even dropped image management great dad stuff and just doesn’t bother with them. Moved in with girlfriend – former close friend of mine – and rheyrenit welcome at her place. Ten minutes away.

          Cruel cold callous?? You bet.

  • I’m always surprised at the poetic ones who write.
    The INVESTMENT and EFFORT, wow!

    Mine was WAY lazier…

  • Wow. The kitties…. Mine called a couple months after he moved because he “missed you two”. You two meaning: me and the dog. It’s now been over a year (thankfully) since Asshat moved out and he has not once come over to see the dog, ask about the dog. He got his own shiny new puppy. The dog and I both were discarded. We weren’t worthy of his sparkle apparently.

    Last week my alimony payment was due. It didn’t come. He is a financial advisor and works at a fucking bank. HE WORKS AT THE BANK and said he didn’t realize that he couldn’t deposit into that account now that his name isn’t on it. “I have had a check issued to your address.It should be issued every month so that you will receive it near the first of the month going forward”. What. the. fuck. ever…..

    • When I got the divorce speech (telling me I was being left because I was such a bad wife but there was no one else) he said he did NOT love me and he stuck to that for about 4 months until after Dday and his decision to break with OW (or so he said) and wreckonsile.

      Very early in the wreckonsilliation, I asked him if he ever discerned that h felt love for me he would say so and he said “The love I have for you and the dog fills me so that there is no room for anyone else there” (no telling how much was me and how much was the dog and no telling why he never mentioned our children).

      The really absurd part of all that is that I accepted it.

      • UnicornNoMore,

        Sorry that you endured this treatment.
        I don’t remember my husband telling me he loved me—maybe he did, but I don’t remember.

        My last boyfriend upon discarding me the first time, told me, I love you like a friend,’ an odd statement as I had been acquainted with him for nearly thirty years when we started dating, his friends (as far as a I knew) didn’t ‘service’ him, and his friends were mentioned or shown in photos on social media. Stupid me—I thought that he neither posted photos of me with him nor mentioned me on social media because he was afraid that my ex-husband, who abandoned me, might harass him, now ex-boyfriend. Not until the last discard, 2.5 years after we started dating did I realize that my now ex-boyfriend wanted to look single while he was with me. I feel very humiliated. I wonder why I valued me so little that I tolerated such shoddy treatment for years.

        • Rockstar, you can edit that last sentence down to “I valued me so little that I tolerated such shoddy treatment for years.” The “why” is the second step. First, take a long look at what you tolerated and ascribe it to not valuing yourself. Once you’ve really internalized that, you can ask the “why,” but it’s probably something you learned as a kid, to accept scraps of affection and tell yourself it’s what passes for the love you can get. Make a list of all of the relationships you’ve had and how you didn’t value yourself. That will also help you figure out why you pick epic narcissistic losers.

            • Absolutely right on LAJ. The Big Chump Lesson.

              A LONG look, a real, deep, internalised understanding of not valuing yourself, and TURNING THAT AROUND.

              There’s no rushing it. But once you set your intention toward it, and be patient, realise that there will be some false summits, and not look to others to do it for you … man, it feels good when you really start to see yourself as truly of huge value.

    • My ex husband (18 year marriage, 3 kids, AP was his secretary at work) used to respond to my “I love you” with “Love you guys too.”
      No “I” – less personal that way – and always “you guys” meaning me and the kids.
      Oh the crumbs we all settled for.

    • As I go about my day, thinking about Patty, I composed a short reply letter , that, of course would never be sent, but still helpful for a bruised heart, actually might make Patty smile.

      (NOT) DEAR XH,
      The kitties don’t miss you. Actually, no one misses you.

      (Very short and not sweet)😘

      • Or maybe she could just tell him “Hey, no worries! The “kitties” and I are doing better than ever! In fact, the “kitties” make a point to shit on your pictures in their litter box multiple times daily.” What a total motherFucking beyond self-focused asshole. Hang in there Patty!

  • I’m the Patty in this letter. Thank you Tracy for running this letter through the UBT. I sent this letter to you since it is still so hard for me after 2 years. I am not sure what the hell I should be doing with my life. I get so lonely, all my friends are married and I have no family nearby. I feel like a failure sometimes. I do have my cats, not the sofa ( I bought all new furniture), a new house and a nice check every month. I will be turning 60 years old in a month and I am starting to get my creativity back. Its good to know that you think his letter is a mind fuck. It has taken 2 years to realize that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    • Hi Patty,
      I totally understand your mindset and the “what should I be doing with my life” thoughts. I notice this a lot with women in our age bracket after we invested SO much time into the assholes and got nothing in return. I’m in my 50’s and would love to have a chat buddy, so please feel free to reach out to me if you would like to talk 🙂

      • i am now 52, my divorce was 5 years ago. the first 2 years i was lost and spent so much time and energy trying to figure out what happened… ..

        after i finally accepted that the man i thought he was is NOTHING like the man he truely is and that there was nothing i could do to help him, i started healing. i started focusing on what made ME happy, what did I like to do. (because for the 15 years i was with him all i thought about was HIS happiness and what HE liked to do).. .. .. i started out with the small things. for example, i like to garden. so i started a garden, planted a few plants nothing to big just a few to grow. i like to sew, so i started a small quilt for my grand son. nothing to big, just a little one.

        one day at a time.
        one thing that made me happy or brings me joy.
        one goal, one smile, one feeling of satisfaction and so forth

        before i knew it, i found my peace. my life is not what i thought it would be at this stage but i have accepted that and try to make the most out of it. one day at a time.

        • I am with all of you – turning 50 this year. I invested all the time, energy, and money into my family and then my STBX threw a bomb in it and ducked into his bomb shelter to avoid the fallout – the kids and I are still suffering the lingering effects. He actually told his teen sons that he changed 12 years ago and couldn’t be the person he wanted to be with me (yes drinking til drunk, smoking pot, and banging multiple people without protection doesn’t really jive with the suburban family life) so he decided to lie and live a double life (he doesn’t own up to this although he admits the cheating as his party kit was found). The sad part of this is these assholes don’t own their own shit and even after doing all the adulting we chumps do we still have to clean up the mess that cheaters create. It is harder to gain a life when we are responsible. I am so much more at peace without him around but I can’t think too much about what happened or why because the unfairness and cruelty of it send me down the rabbit hole of emotion. It takes a lot of effort to gain a life and I am trying but it is a balancing act. My thoughts are with all of you who are walking this journey with me. We do survive and hopefully thrive but it does take time and energy. Hugs to all the chumps who invested so much time and energy and then were dumped like a piece of trash – rise above and find your happiness (and mightiness as CN says).

    • Patty – You had 35 years in the marriage it’s not always easy or swift to find your bearings after a discard. In some ways it is easier if they DIE because the chance of someone looking at you and entertaining even for a nanosecond the idea that you had failed in some way would die unsaid.

      I am glad you have the kitties, new furniture, new house and a nice check. You were in a very uncomfortable shell for a VERY long time. Takes time to shake that mindfuck off. I bet your creativity will truly blossom as the days pass.

      I feel like a failure sometimes. I suspect everyone does at least occasionally. Trust that he sucks and that he was a hollow chocolate bunny, whereas you are a solid chocolate bunny. You may have some nibbles on your ears and your butt, but there is more to you than air. Unlike him.

      HUGE HUGS.

      • I love your analogy with the bunny. It is so very true. I love to talk too. I wish we had chump support groups in different states. We would have a great time.

      • I like the chocolate bunny analogy too. Usually much more is invested towards the sparkly package than the hollow bunny that has a misplaced or missing eye. You have to search for one that isn’t already damaged by children checking to see it they are hollow. Kids have a sixth sense for hollow!!

          • I’d never heard of it before I came here and could hardly believe the bullshit I was reading on that site, as in this sort of rot;

            Don’t berate or nag him about the bareback banging of hookers and giving you STDs. He’ll probably just divorce you. Behaving like an abusive sociopath is just part of the mormal male maturation process. It doesn’t mean he *is* an abusive sociopath. He’s just upset and confused about aging, the poor lamb. When he blames you, insults you and cheats on you, it’s nothing personal. He doesn’t mean to hurt you. You must show patience and understanding when he brings strippers home with him and buys them $100,000 cars while you subsist on ramen noodles and the occasional snort to acknowledge your existence.

            What in the actual fuck is wrong with those people? Is that meant as satire or are they actually that fucked in the head? I was too appalled to investigate further.

            • It took a much firmer stance back when I was on it. I don’t know what happened to it since the last time I was active on the board. I can’t even remember when I was there last – 2008?

              Of course there were apologists and huffers of the hopium, but there were plenty of others who weren’t down with that AT ALL. I found my tribe. The ones who weren’t taking crap.

              One of the nice things about CL is that NONE of it is devoted to babying the poor middle wambs.

          • Was Wednesday still on the board then? She is the BEST. It’s been a long time since I was there. Pegasus was another of my favorite people.

            • I remember Wednesday and Pegasus. I used to copy and print a lot of what they wrote on midlifeclub. But once I went over to chumplady, I never went back. This is my tribe. I’m tired of the whole make excuses because it’s a midlife crisis, or sexual addiction. Maybe we all left and came over to Chump Nation?!

          • hey – medlifedclub was the first one I joined desperate for anything that made sense. They were the ones who gave me the same opinion, based on what the stbx was doing to me. They quickly identified it and I bawled and bawled. I wondered how any strange person from the internet could be so powerful and convincing that that very night I went and copied all the papers. I felt like a horrid snoop and it made me convulse and sick, and especially why I was doing it. I just had a suspicion at the point and was in super denial.

            Since I was def going to divorce the x, why would I want to save the marriage? But, that’s where I found C/Lady and was all the wiser much sooner. I only thought it was a midlife ‘crisis’, wanting a new sportscar, new blue underwear, etc but it turned out to be full-blown-catacalysmic event that split my life in two – well shattered it.

            Anyway, that’s how *I* found C/N and C/L and I learned how to navigate what was ahead. A true lifesaver. Wonder if the midlifecrisis site is still up. They were good people.

            • midlifeclubforum.com/

              It is here guys, and Wednesday and Peg are still there. I still read it but read here also.

    • Lost wishes,

      If you are in Michigan or Colorado I’d love to meet you! It takes time. A lot of time. I was 26 years in all told and am 5 out. Just now feeling like I have my wits about me.

      • Dear OutWest,

        I’m in Michigan. I’m 54 and divorce was final one day before our 25 wedding anniversary. Met him when we were both 18 and married at 28. Two kids later and he just married co-worker schmoopie. My 22 daughter just moved in with them (yesterday). My 20 year old son off to third year in college. Just went for a second interview on a potential job. I am hoping I get it so I have something to look forward to this fall. Otherwise, I’m still struggling.

        • NotbLUE,

          Bc I’m not great about Michigan geography (isolating marriage and all) I can’t tell where in MI you are from. I’m Plymouth area. Try PM me on Redit I’m OutWestChump

    • Hi Patty,

      Your ex sounds like a peach! Good for you for kicking him to the curb!

      I wanted to respond to your comment about not knowing what to do with your life…No one knows what to do with their life. No one. Life tends to unfold on a person regardless of the plan they put in place. Rather than try to figure out what to do with your life…just live it. Live it each day. Try new things…go to a coffee shop and read a book, take a crossfit class (yes, even at 60), sign up to audit a college class, visit family, volunteer at an organization that you believe does something good. My point is that by trying new and different things you will figure out your groove and one day wake up and realize your life is pretty awesome…even when you have bad days. If you are lonely, get a dog. I recommend a Doberman. Sign up for agility training and therapy dog training. Great way to meet people and you can volunteer with your dog at local children’s hospitals.

      You have already done the hard part of getting divorced and moving forward. Hang in there, Tuesday is tomorrow.

      • I’m sorry this is so hard. It’s awful at any age but around 60, I know you’re thinking about where you hoped to be.
        You had a whole life with your ex and the healing takes a long time.. Don’t feel bad about however long it takes you!
        I was the same age that you are when I went through my divorce and all my friends were and still are married.
        If your friends offer to Include you in their plans, please GO!
        After the first time taking me out, I insist on paying my own way. I either pay one third of the bill or pay for movie tickets if we’re doing dinner and a movie. I’m honest in saying that I want to be included but am fortunate enough to pay my own way; I tell them if they always take me out, it will start to be uncomfortable.
        My friends have all stepped up and I haven’t lost a single married friend. Actually, my relationships with the husbands have grown as we all now talk together.
        If you have married friends that aren’t including you, speak up and tell them you would like to be included every once in a while or find an event and ask them if they would like to go with you. If there’s no response, then perhaps they aren’t the friends you thought they were.
        I also joined a few meet-up groups where I made some single woman friends who had shared interests.
        I opened my world up to many different possibilities and found my new life richer and fuller than before!
        Recovery is a process that has no date by which it needs to be completed. Try to stop putting expectations on yourself of how you should be feeling and just focus on how to make your life fuller one day at a time.
        And start making plans for how you want to spend your 60th – make sure you celebrate YOU in style!!!

      • Great advice! There’s only one thing I don’t agree with; if she’s a first time dog owner, a Doberman is probably too much dog to handle. Big dogs need to be trained to be gentle and careful, and she sounds like she’s in no state to handle that. IMO it’s better to start with something smaller.

    • (((((lost wishes))))
      YOU really are so MIGHTY!
      I am sorry for all you have been through, but happy that this sod is no longer in your life.
      Good for you “getting your creativity back” that is something he could never ever take away from you.
      I am sorry for your sad losses of three miscarriages, and for the illness of your daughter. I hope she is doing well now.
      It sounds like your daughters live far from you.
      Please try to be kind to yourself, do things that you have always wanted to do. Try to get out and be with others, maybe volunteering at an animal shelter, anything that can keep your mind busy and productive. You have so much to give, and you definitely deserve to have many kindnesses returned to you.
      CL’s UBT is right on, again, as usual.
      CN understands your pain and also recognizes your great strength as you put this “me me me me” ex in your rear view mirror!
      Stay strong!
      Xxxxxxxxxx
      peacekeeper
      I, for one, am so proud of YOU! ❤️

    • Good morning Patty,
      It does take time to find your balance again. You found out that he’s a bad guy, you got divorced, and in between all this, you also had to process everything that was happening around you. That can take a toll on the most sane person. And now, it’s just you. It’s just me too – no kids, my mom that passed away last year during the divorce, and now I have one kitty.

      Being with someone like your ex ( my ex too except he never sent a sad sausage letter) is one big mindfuck. Not only the stuff that went down, but all the stuff that happened while you were married. It takes time to heal. It’s taken me this whole past year just to process who he is. I don’t cry every day but it still happens every few days. There are no time limits here nor any grief police. It’s still only one day and one step at a time – just make sure you are moving forward.

    • As hard as it is, find a way to meet new people. Not guys, necessarily, but some new friends. I had never, ever, played softball in my life but I ended up signing up to the neighborhood adult league so I could meet new folks. Out of the 20 or so people I met, one of those people has become my best friend. Together, we have found a couple more friends that are like minded. Having this new set of friends, separate from my old life, has been a lifesaver. We go kayaking, we go to dinner once a week, we support each other, we get each other’s mail when we travel, we go on trips together. It has allowed me to gain a new life.

      I hope you can find something that interests you that will help you find new, like-minded people to hang out with. Maybe a painting class? Cooking? Writing? Hiking? Who knows…just be brave and go for it! 🙂

      • Sports is a wonderful way to meet new people.

        Also, as above, consider doing something (a hobby) new and unexpected – if you don’t like it just drop it and find something else. Or, you’ll really start liking e.g boxing!

      • Patty, first thing—block his mother. Block anyone who turns your mind to your X and what he’s doing or to the past with him. You’ll get to a point where this stuff doesn’t matter because you are at Meh, but will you get there, you need strong “no contact,” and the includes being very careful not to give him free rent in your brain.

        You’ve had a lot of trauma and stress. Are you seeing a therapist? The right one can help you get past this stage and focus on your new life. Please not the massive use of first person in the letter you had CL UBT. Living with that guy for 35 years must have been tough, and I’ll bet you pushed aside many things that are part of the essential you. I always say that I really haven’t added that much to my life since age 12: gardening, cats, baseball, photography, reading, writing. All of that was part of me by then. And sometimes life or laws or demands from a spouse make it too easy for us to lose those things. What did you lose? What did you give up to keep the peace? What did you always want or wanted as a kid and you think the time has passed?

        Then there’s the “who do you want to be” question. You’re only 60. You have (given life expectancy) 25 years to figure out what you want to give back, to leave as your legacy along with the kids. A friend of mine is a volunteer usher at concerts. He loves getting in free. Part of the fun of this is figuring out who you are, what you want.

        • I do not want to block people who need me including his parents. They are in their 80’s and I am the one to help. I need to be needed and they need me once in awhile. On a good note, a friend came over and saw the pillows I had made and ordered 10!

          When I was 32 years old, I lost my dad. I lost my mom 6 years ago. My x-husband parent’s call me if they need help with a crisis ( water in the basement etc.) I know, the doctor or attorney child should help but it is easier to call me. I guess I wish I could help my mom or dad still but I can’t.

    • Patty, I got a very similar letter from the Worm. He missed the credit cards and the dogs. Chumplady put it through the UBT about a year ago. Wow, the letters are similar.
      Cheaters have no originality.
      Stay strong there are better times ahead!

    • I’ve heard that the time it takes to grieve a relationship are months equal to the amount of years you were together. So, 35 years is roughly 35 months. Add some time for dating, and a little extra for the traumatic ending, and you are still going through the process. It sucks, but you’re getting through it and sound about halfway there.
      You have new furniture. You’re rediscovering your creativity! YOU are going to be fine, and you’ll reach Tuesday! Be patient with yourself, and allow your heart to take the time it needs. (Hugs)

    • Patty,

      YOU are not a failure. He is. He is a first class creep.

      YOU have been severely traumatized. I am a year and a half into this shit show I never signed up for. It takes years to heal from this.

      I am a fixture at 12 step meetings and am in therapy, just a continuance of what I have done since 1985 but very ramped up. In the beginning I was lucky enough to afford counseling 3 times a week….she kept me alive and floating! Now I am down to once a week.

      This has been the most catastrophic emotional injury I have ever experienced in my entire 55 years on Earth. I never imagined he would or could top my crazy alcoholic family by light years.

      WE CAN’T EXPECT TO RECOVER OVERNIGHT….OR EVEN QUICKLY.

      We are healing but it is SLOW….up and down…a daily roller coaster. My daughter and I are in New Hampshire right now….we rented a red Jeep Wrangler and are headed to my friend’s house on Squam Lake, where On Golden Pond was filmed.
      We will get to have moments of peace and joy and fun. He gets to live with the rotting corpse of what he did tied around his neck for the rest of his life.

      But guess what? I spent the last 24 hours in Trigger Central….airports, Southwest Airlines, cheap hotels….I’ve been turning those two motherfuckers over to God as I understand him nonstop to handle the rage that has cropped up, and I was crying on the plane (not because I miss him or want him; because THEY STABBED ME IN THE BACK).

      Healing takes as long as it takes.

      But guess what I realized the other day? Traitors will NEVER get to have true peace of mind, security, and trust….the earmarks of REAL love.
      WE GET TO HAVE THAT, SO WE WIN.

      • good advice.

        Patty, look up the 6 stages of grief. because you are grieving the death of your marriage. at some point you will go thru all the stages and bounce back thru them. it really is helpful information. and it works well with the death of a marriage as well as the death of a loved one. in my opinion, the man you loved died the day you found out he was cheating and it takes some time to get over that as well.

        *i found this information because my 25 year old daughter past away 2 years before wasband decided i was to controlling, manipulating him and boring so he ran off with the neighborhood meth head. i still had the book they give me at the hospital for the 6 stages of grief by my bedside and discovered that it worked very well for my divorce and loss of wasband.

      • Thank you Velvet Hammer, I always find wisdom in your many comments. One book that always helps get me back on track is Change Your Mind and Your Life will Follow by Karen Casey. She writes with the 12 steps as examples in this book. One quote resonates with me: “You are responsible for making the effort, nothing more. As a chump, I tried and I tried to make him happy and along the way I lost who I was. Chumps have no problem with the effort we give to our spouses, we just don’t understand until we are out of the situation, that we were taken advantage of the whole time. It is hard to get your head around that.

        • Absolutely. We assumed they appreciated our efforts, because any normal person would. Extremely entitled people are not normal and they don’t even notice or care what we’ve done for them.

          You are continuing your healing and will get where you want to be with time and self care. You’ll figure out who this person is whom you have lost in giving your soul over to what turned out to be a selfish manchild.

        • “…we just don’t understand until we are out of the situation, that we were taken advantage of the whole time. It is hard to get your head around that.”

          Truth.
          Now that I know, I am making proactive progress in the right direction for me.
          It takes a certain amount of education, which chump lady provides, in order to understand the degree of manipulation that the skilled abusers used to extract energy from their host.

          Also, it’s like playing a chess game where I come away intact with my life.

      • Velvet Hammer,
        Always enjoy your comments – today you aren’t your usual witty snarky self and it’s clear you’ve slid down a snake in this up-and-down game of recovering form the trauma. I’m 52, almost 2 1/2 years in, and you are utterly right when you describe this shit show as catastrophic injury, bigger than the fair-sized ones in your past.

        People think I’m being melodramatic when I say that this episode makes losing my 3-y-o daughter (16 years ago, when a soccer goalpost fell of her head, in front of me, after it hit me) look and feel like a walk in the park.

        “Normal” people Just Don’t Get It. And that is why we are here Chump Nation. CL and the Nation is what lets us know we are not crazy, and teaches us to Trust That They Suck.

    • Thank you Patty for sharing this letter with us. It really helped to see the parallels in my own story. My Fuckwit tried to use our 2 cats as an excuse to visit in the early days of the separation. I was so weak at that time that I let him. He came in, sat on the couch, and called to them. My cat (always attached to just me) ran up to him and slapped him. His cat (who mourned him for 3 weeks before opening back up to accept me) hissed at him and ran away to hide under my bed. I made him clean the cat box and take out the trash on his way out. The cats are happier without him, I’m happier without him. It can take time to find what your new life is going to entail but you’ve got this. With your creativity coming back, you are getting there! You give me hope!

      • Mine (when he had keys to our house because it meant he could pick stuff up for my daughter which has now stopped) would let himself in and sit with the cats and put pics of them on his carefully crafted social media feeds. At the same time over the last 1.5 years he had carefully crafted or ensured there was no mentioned of me or anything that may suggest we were together was gone. So yes he loved the cats more than me. And now I love the cats more than him. Two can play at that game. Literally they have no normal boundaries.

        • Dudders – I feel so much the same as you. I wouldn’t let him touch any one of my 4 great danes and he didn’t even try to ask. By then, I’m sure he was afraid of me. They were a handful for me because I exercised them all daily and 2 of the males didn’t get along, so I had to make my home into a separated house.

          When he left me, his words were: (in this order) I just don’t want to lose my house, my dogs, nor I don’t want to disappoint my Mother. I asked him how about his ‘fat wife’ – me. He sure didn’t want that, even tho I’m pretty tiny. Funny how none of that worked out for him. He lost everything that was important: The house, the dogs, and the respect of his mother.

          I do believe I ventured off track there but my point was, I realized I DO love my dogs more than he!

    • Patty, I am so sorry for this piece of your story. I encourage you to focus on the other parts of your story–your daughters, your friends, your creativity, your favorite music, foods, places–and claim them even more certainly for your own, your OWN. Also, read and reread the UBT’s work here. It’s good fun but it’s also a very real lesson in the reality of a personality [disordered] type that for many of us, is so foreign that we can hardly believe its real, let alone actually understand it. Read and reread so that you can practice its clarity on what are no-doubt a gazillion other mindfucks that are still bouncing around your head and heart. Not to wallow in them but to exorcise them which is painful but absolutely necessary for healing. Love and ((((hugs, hugs, hugs)))).

    • I’m turning 60 the end of the month. For me, healing involves doing the things he was going to get around to “someday” in the vague future. Things that, if I did them, he would feel emasculated about. And so they never got done. Like installing a new propane tank (I live in the country), new siding on the house, a new roof. Taking care of myself and my environment. Getting rid of things I never use, and creating a space for ME.

      It has been, and is still, a journey. I had subjugated so much of myself to HIS activities and desires, that my own had fallen by the wayside.

      I am thankful for my stalwart friends and family, who have my back, who check on me. I am moving towards “meh”, but it is still one day at a time. With every project done, I feel better and better.

      • ivyleaguechump,

        ‘For me, healing involves doing the things he was going to get around to ‘someday’ in the vague future. Things that, if I did them, he would feel emasculated about. And so they never got done.’

        Those lines rang true for me BUT I did start doing what needed to be done when I realized his talk was just that, talk, no action. I couldn’t stand the empty promises so I stepped right over them and now I am glad that I did because I know how to take care of myself. I know my house like the back of my hand. When he left I didn’t have to worry about how repair jobs would be done etc because I was the one who knew what to do.

        For years I took care of things and I felt a sense of pride in being able to wield a chain saw but there was always a sense of resentment that I was the one doing all the repairs, child care and garden care. I’d watch friends doing projects on their houses with their spouses and I would feel jealous as well as dismayed wondering why my spouse wasn’t helping out and taking his lack of responsibility personally….now I know he was tired out from his work outs with other women….. I got used to that feeling and now, when I take care of things that resentment is gone because he is gone. I love taking care of my property and I did then too but that resentment tainted the joy I got in getting things done.

        Like you, I am surrounded by wonderful friends who saw through him way before I did. They have carried me through this shit storm in ways I never imagined possible. I will be eternally grateful to them.

        I can’t help but wonder, now that he has his own house, how he is managing with all of the maintenance stuff that comes with owning a home….

        Thanks for your post and for reminding me of what I really lost – empty promises.

        • Empty promises.
          The future faking.

          Gullible me did not see/ understand that there are people who lie right to your face about stuff just to make themselves look good now with no intention of ever executing or being responsible or accountable for their promises. Not just people, but your intimate significant other, husband, marriage partner, father to your children.
          Now I know after years of abuse and denial.

    • Sending hugs.
      Glad to hear you’re getting a nice check.

      Let him yearn for what he can never have: you.
      He’s a fuckwit.

    • Hi Patty I get it too, it has been 2 years for me and I am 60. I am starting to find joy in things I used to do before my world got consumed for 30 years with making life easy for a Douchebag. Because he was the important one and I was always just the accessory. It takes awhile to let go of that and focus on yourself, and being kind to yourself. It still feels very out of place for me to think that way. Reading CL and CN when I need support helps me keep my head straight and think about MY future which is starting to look brighter to me every day. CL and the UBT expose these letters and these people for what they really are, and the result hits home and cracks me up every time. I am hoping you can find a way to leave him in your dust!

    • Lost wishes. It is a new start. If you can maybe get involved with a few groups of things you are interested in and start to make,new friends. It takes time.

    • It takes a minute to right your ship. The best advice I can give is to choose something and just throw yourself into it 100% until you come out the other side feeling proud of what you accomplished without him. New job or career? College? Graduate school? New sport or hobby? I went to law school. A friend with a cheater ex took up marathon running. Another friend started international backpacking. Another person began gardening (she now runs an orchard). Just, like, find a thing that you like and go out on a limb for it. And your life will start to make perfect sense again.

  • If he misses his kitties, lounging on the comfy sofa and stairs now, wait until he’s old and sick (at his greatest need) with no wife to take care of him and adult for him.

    I’m not surprised he misses kitties – like him, cats are attached to things and places and not human beings. And BTW. , after two years they’re no longer kitties but cats. Things change.

    • Ah, no. Most cats are very attached to their people, some really only to one. If you don’t know that, you’ve known the wrong cats! But they’re also very sensitive. Cheater moved out maybe 6 months after we got our cats. When he’d come by to pick up the kids, he’d try to pet them and pick them up. They could sense how tense everyone was in his presence, and run away from him!

      • My take on this is that he doesn’t actually miss the kitties, he’s just using things he thinks Patty cares about to seem like he cares about anything except chasing strange ass.

      • Mr Bailey, he’s 14, loved the Dickhead. I took care of all the essentials and Dickhead got all the loving. That cat would be sleeping by my side and would immediately jump down if DH walked into the room.

        When I was discarded, so was Bailey because DH didn’t want to take care of him (food, medicine, vet bills). He’s with me now and of course seeks out attention from me (it’s just the two of us now). He does love me and curls up on my lap every morning while I drink my coffee and read the news. I have no illusions though – if DH were to walk into my apartment, that cat would go ape shit crazy trying to get his attention.

  • Thank you CL and CN – l have just found out that my divorce was granted on July 31st. One week exactly after what would have been our 26 wedding anniversary. Together for 34 years in total.
    D Day was 17/12/17. I caught him out in a lie and he finally admitted to a 13 year affair.
    I threw him out straight away and went to a lawyer to start separation and divorce proceedings on 27/12/17.
    My two children, 22 and 20 have disowned him and he is stunned and surprised by these consequences.
    We have had to pull away from his toxic (l now realise) family especially my ex MIL.
    Reading today’s post , as l do every day, has been an absolute life saver.
    To find that other people have been treated with the same emotional abuse.
    I now realise after much self educating and 18 months of counseling, that I was living with a covert narcissist/ sociopath.
    Life does slowly get better. It’s been brutally hard but l gathered an “army ” of family and friends and got nearly 60% of the assets (unusual in my country of no-fault divorce).
    I can truly say if it wasn’t for LACGAL, CN and CL l wouldn’t be where I am today. I my own house, mortgage free with a good chunk of his pension to supplement my small salary.
    I can manage without him.
    My children and I are much closer and we re thriving without the negativity, control and oppression that we lived with (when he was home – which was rarely).
    No one had ever said no to him in his life. He thinks he’s amazing – he’s extremely charming on a superficial level.
    Keep going Patty and keep coming here for advice – it’s my daily support.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone.
    Phee

  • Agreed this is one of my fave UBTs. Laughed hardest at this:

    “I’m lonely at times.”

    At times the OW isn’t there to fuck. Entire hours go by when someone isn’t servicing my dick. #Ineedadaytimer #couldfitUin #Tuesday

    Our chump problem and vulnerability is it’s so hard to accept how many people are that stupidly narcissistic. This one felt relatable too because right before I finally broke up with my asshole, he took a trip to Paris and sent a card. He mentioned his trip would be so much better if he was there “with someone.” He knew that card was nothing but an anger/shame-baiting slap in the face to not make it more specific. It was too much to say “you” — no, just “someone”, anyone. Omg, you need acknowledgment that you’re important to me? Sad. Wow so needy. Such a POS.

    • *raises hand* very familiar.

      During the last 5 years of my marriage, my X Asshat worked in the Middle East for 18 months at one stretch, shorter stints at other times as well as months away from home in the states. His routine was to be gone for about 3 weeks before I heard the first word from him by any means (in the age of texting and e-mailing he couldn’t be bothered to even let me know he arrived, much less a “miss you” or other acknowledgement). When he traveled for shorter business trips he didn’t contact me at all.

      When he finally abandoned me he sent me an e-mail as my only notice and he addressed me by my actual first name in that e-mail opening, “Dear NIC.” Reading it for the first time was a shock of course but my first instinct was that it had to be spam because it had my name. He used my name perhaps 10 times in the 31 years we were together, and 8 of those might have been along the lines of “This is my wife, NIC” as I was being introduced at some gathering before he would skip off to hold court and ignore me for the duration of the event.

      It is not as if he had a pet name for me, either. He simply did not address me at all and I see very clearly how it is the most obvious evidence of his devalue and passive aggressive hate of me.

      I should also add that the first contact he would make after 3 weeks away was usually a Skype video call in which he would want mutual masturbation. I always declined but pretended to enjoy watching him jack off. I know my refusal to be filmed naked is on his list of reasons I was just so awful and had to be abandoned.

      I am so ashamed at how I allowed him to treat me. I hope the 26YO Schmoopie (our daughter’s age) is enjoying all of it.

      • Mine never used my name either. I too am ashamed of how I let him treat me like I was nothing. It’s crazy the things we accepted.

    • How certain are you that “someone” wasn’t with him the whole time?
      ‘Cause that’s the same bullshit kind of thing cheater would text to me while he was out with the Hamburger Whore.
      I was supposed to feel sad and guilty that he was “forced” into going to events and restaurants while I was at work (he had been retired for more than a decade). And as an added bonus, he didn’t actually lie about where he was, only that he was alone there.
      I would routinely ask him to wait to go until the weekend and we could go together. But no, that wouldn’t work for him. Because *I* had too many chores to get done in my two “days off” each week.
      Yeah, I worked Monday through Friday at a job I hated, but which had excellent health insurance. And weekends were spent cleaning, cooking, running errands and doing yard work and laundry. All things that he should have been doing while I was at work every day.
      But he was “too busy” to get anything done during the week. Too busy with the Hamburger Whore and her low-life family that is. For her, he would drop anything and go running off to her whenever she called. Which was frequently the VERY minute I walked in the door, as she could see me driving up to the house from across the street where she lived. How powerful she must have felt to have him literally run to her the moment I came home.
      So, are you SURE that he was alone?

      • Hamburger whore LMAO I love that

        Mine also used to tell me how much it “sucked being alone” overnight when I started working again after being a SAHM for 5 years. Turns out he wasn’t, he actually had the whore and some friends over a few times to drink with him.

        When I asked him “hey, what happened to the bottle of liquor your coworker got you from Mexico” he said he had to drink it cuz he had a sadz since being alone and all at night. Asshole.

  • I see it here so often…because WE were deep and committed, we saw depth and commitment because they were physically present (sometimes… when they weren’t chasing some fantasy). It is so shocking to realize that we were in it alone much / most of the time.

    I was with Cheater for 29 years (married 26) and only learned after it was all over that he was likely cheating on and off the whole time. I could fill a stadium with the benefits of many doubts and best assumptions I gave him over the years.

    Maybe Im very odd, but now that Im in a safe place, if I could be given a book of every lie and misdeed, I would read it through…every word. I wish that I could really know what my life was, even if it hurt.

    • The last part of what you said hits home. I think it’s been said here before or maybe in other resources on narcissistic abuse, but the real trauma of these relationships isn’t the heartbreak of breaking up or divorcing. It’s realizing how many years of your life were a lie and an illusion – it’s humiliating. You want to know the truth because you just want those years back. You feel stupid looking at a chunk of your life and feeling like, I don’t even know wtf that even was. I know it wasn’t what I used to think it was. I don’t know what was really happening at all. I think ChumpLady has said on here though that your experience, your joy, your integrity was all real. And now you can take those real things and enjoy them with people who deserve you. We shouldn’t feel ashamed we couldn’t even comprehend how fucked up some people are. But now we know better and we take advantage of that for a completely newer and wiser part of life.

      • Lost wishes,

        I don’t think that two years is long, especially considering the length of your marriage. I think that feelings of failure are very common, whether or not one has been chumped.

      • Chumpa,
        Well said! I often feel as though I spent years in a fantasy in which my husband and boyfriends thought that I was ‘wife’ material and deserved to be treated in a respectful and living way. Sometimes, I think that they thought of me, ‘Who do you think you are, thinking that I will ever marry you and treat you as someone valuable and not just an object of use to me?’ To them, I was no more valuable than one of those disposable plastic ‘poop’ bags you find next to a dog park. ‘In my fifties, the only single guys I meet now are very strange, disordered, gay or young enough to be my sons, so I feel as though I have no chance to use my new realization to ‘get it right this time’ in an intimate relationship. (Two years since last discard, I haven’t met anyone with whom I could have a healthy, happy intimate relationship, and I feel no hope of ever finding/creating one. I don’t understand guys these days. I attended an event this weekend and the only guy that seemed ‘normal’ (and was in his thirties, out of the blue, blurted out, ‘How old are you?’ I don’t mind telling people, but I was a bit disturbed that this guy had seemed not to have learned that it is not polite to ask near-strangers in most situations and did not realize that in the context it was strange to ask (the way he did).)

        • RSW, it’s good to separate out ‘being seen as wife material’ from ‘deserving to be treated in a respectful and living way’. They are two completely different things.

          The first one doesn’t REALLY matter.

          The second one MATTERS IMMENSELY, and needs to be something you find in every social, professional and friendly interaction that you can.

          Sometimes you may have to sacrifice the first in order to guarantee the second. I think this is where you might be currently stuck?

    • ((((Unicornomore))))
      “I wish that I could really know what my life was, even if it hurt.”
      Exactly. Me too! Imagining is so unreal and painful. To know would be so painful, but it would be real.
      ( I think nurses especially feel a great need to know reality, as we see it everyday in our work life. A lot of it is not pretty, not sweet and not good, but it is reality and we deal with it the best way that we can. The not knowing is what kills the heart and spirit and any comfort that one might find……..).

      • Peacekeeper, I think many, many of us feel this way; I know I do. I feel as if I invested every bit of myself into a mirage. It’s an enormous, indescribable loss. I do try to focus on what CL reiterates in her book and here at the blog: that I know what I was about. I was all in. I was devoted. What I did and valued and contributed were real, as real as it gets. I know all this for 100% certain. That I did not discern that I was all in for a mirage, well, that’s a problem and one I’m working on every day, growing maturity around boundaries, identity, deal-breakers, holding my standards because they are mine, knowing what’s non-negotiable and then you know, not negotiating! For whatever bit it helps, remind yourself of what YOU were real about, who YOU were in the “relationship,” what gifts YOU contributed. YOU, that’s what’s real. All peace to you.

    • There’s a part of me that wonders about certain events, certain periods of time, actions he took and if there was a back story that I know nothing about. I know there were moments in my marriage where I just didn’t understand what was going on. I felt so lost and tried so hard to make things better. When in reality, I had nothing to make things bad.

      And I shake my head because I really, really, really don’t want to know. Those sleeping denoms are best undisturbed. I had enough mindfuck for 19 years in just what I knowingly experienced that I don’t need to pile on more abuse or even more pain.

      • I totally agree with you MissBailey. I too was with my cheater for 19 years. Two D-days, separated by 7 years. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time trying to deconstruct the timeline of cheating and abuse to understand him and fix it. In the end, it just brought more pain.

  • (Idiot ex husband muttering to self while writing)

    “Let’s see, what topics would make Patty feel nostalgic and open up a gap in her resolve so I can work my way in? Well, pets always invoke strong emotion, so that’s a gimme. Then there’s memories of when we lived in the same home and things seemed good to her… how she used to feel about me… how she used to feel concerned about my feelings… yes, indeed, this might just be the stuff…”

    Reading about how mentalists work at magic shows is a real education in the ways of manipulators. This guy knows his emotional manipulation stuff for sure.

  • On D Day when I was getting the 4 hour talk about what a miserable wife and mother I had been for 20 years my EX told me he MAY stay and go thru counseling if I got rid of my 2 papillions, who we had had for 5 years already. I was dancing hard enough to call the breeder back and see if she would take them. After a good nights sleep I changed my mind and told him NO.

    Move forward 7 month and I have filed for divorce and he is over going over the details and when he leaves the house (the last time he ever stepped foot in my house) I calmly walk him to the door and escort him out, he starts sobbing hard, petting the dogs and telling them how much he is going to miss them. He then runs out the door to his car. I call out, do you want to say good by to your children and he waves me away, jumps in his car and peels out of the driveway…. then pulls back in to check my mailbox. Then drives away “devastated”.

    My kids (15 & 16) had come downstairs when they heard he was leaving, and we just stood there shocked. Bonkers!

    • Wow, what a loser. I’m sorry your children had to witness that and experience such a horrible devalue. Good riddance to him.

      So glad you kept your Papillions. I had a similar ultimatum given. Put my very elderly dog, who had late stage heart failure and Cushings disease on a 24 flight in cargo, in a cage, across to the other side of the world to visit his sycophant family for 3-6 excruciating months, or ‘the’ marriage was over. That was his condition to stay in the marriage. I said no too. I had read somewhere only days before, that wives of sex addicts needed to be stop being the ones that took all the risks. He cheated multiple times, yet he demanded that it was I that must take such a huge risk (my dog would never have survived that flight alive). He knew my dog was (and is… he is still happily by my side, thanks to God) like a child to me. He ignored my pleas that he would not survive the flight, and he rejected my offer of leaving my dog with someone for 6 weeks so we could still go (this is a dog who frets and doesn’t eat if he’s away from me for a day, and it still would have been so hard for me to do this).

      So for one of the first times in our marriage I defied him, and said no to his demands. My little doggie has been more loyal and faithful to me than he has ever been. No way was I risking his life. He had already put my life, and my families life at risk so many times over the years, in many covert ways. I had wisened up.

      I was promptly discarded. While I was on my hospital bed recovering from surgery after having an organ removed, none the less. By text message. He said that my choosing my dog over him told him all he needed to know really.

      I didn’t reply.

      • GOOD FOR YOU!! The Dickhead wanted me to get rid the Toby, our big baby Lab mix. We got him as a puppy in 2009 because his kids had come to live with us (custody dispute). The son wanted a puppy so we got a puppy over my objections. I already knew his sister treated pets as accessories whereas, in my family, pets were treated as members until they passed away.

        Fast forward, six years, and Toby has become a constant source of irritation between me and the DH. He wants to move Toby outside to a kennel for no reason other than the dog tries to sleep on the couch every night. For 3 years, he was allowed to because it was a crappy old sofa. His sinister sister gave him a leather family room set (again, against my wishes, see a trend?) and now Toby had to realize that the rules had changed. The dog never understood what happened. DH would hit him with a belt until the dog yelped. Just thinking it bring tears to my eyes – that dog loved everyone and did nothing to deserve the abuse.

        I went so far as to put Toby on Craiglist and even had a call. I never told DH that I had done it. The whole time I was crying and distraught because I gave up a cat for him in the few two years we were married. Still seeing the trend?

        We divorced last year and Toby (and 2 kitties) came with me. I lost Toby this past February at the age of 10. He had cancer. He was a good, good boy and I will never forgive the ex for what he did to Toby.

        • Wow! Mine was an animal abuser as well. The kids and I would cry when he would kick, throw or hit our pets. But he would do the same thing to us, so we would feel so helpless to stop him.
          And the fucker got rid of my two cats while I was at work one day. No prior conversation, I just came home from work to find them gone. And he refused to say what he did with them.
          I have so many things to hate him for, but that’s near the top of the list.

      • When my marriage lurched back and forth from loving to hateful, my ex insisted we get rid of the German Shorthaired Pointer dog our son picked out. (He was a handful) I was willing to do anything to stop the madness with her, so I found a rescue group that would take him. I told her it was all set. “That will just make me look like the monster”, and said the dog could stay, although she ramped up the verbal abuse of me. I course I realized this was really about making me into a bad guy as she was having affairs.

  • Patty-

    You and those kitties cuddle up on your new sofa (yay for furniture free of fuckwit juju) with a glass of whatever you like to drink, a pen, and a notebook. Start a list – all the things you did before the fuckwit that you have not had time for or done in years. When you are done with that start another of all the things you’ve never done, place you’ve never been but always sort of wondered about. Now last list – all thi things that fuckwit has ruined for you – family vacations that went straight to hell, trusting in another person, a song you can’t stand to hear anymore but previously loved.

    You now have something to do with your life. Reclaim a lost interest. Some may not suit you any more but even if you try one and find that – hey you learned about who you are now. (I found that roller coasters are not my thing any more but that I still love to dance!!) Find a new passion. Not everything on the list of things you’ve wondered about is going to be a hit but you never know what might be so just keep working your way through the list. Here are a few I tried a cruise (not for me – too much motion sickness), a “male review” (Yes I went and watched make strippers in my 50s. The were very good looking and athletic but probably not my new thing.) Painting (oh my did I fall in love – I never would have imagined.) Volunteering (I tried several types before finding the right fit.)
    The hardest think will be rescuing things the fuckwit ruined for you. Maybe leave those until you have had a few successes from your other list. Pick easy ones to start – maybe take new friends you’ve made through lists one and two to a place he left full of bad memories and replace them with new good memories. Ir play that song while doing new activities you love. The trust and relationships part you will have to move slowly on. That’s where the wounds are the deepest but they do heal.
    Make yourself do these things. Even when you don’t feel like it. Not everything all at once but set your self a schedule and start. The hardest part I’ve found is just getting moving. Once you do, you will find things to enjoy. I promise. Hugs!!

    • Patty, this is great advice. I too have been writing my journal as much as possible as focusing on doing the things that I love and that make me feel I’ve accomplished something good in the world. I’m so sorry that you are struggling, but be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Sending you lots of good vibes this morning — so glad you found the site.

      • One thing that really helped me was to remember and commit to memory a couple of the truly vile things ex said to me. Things that really pissed me off. Things no decent married person should ever say. Things that showed what a dick he truly was.

        One of my favorites was when we were arguing about him doing things married people should not do. He said ” I ” can’t ” do anything because you are stuck up my ass 24/7″. I can’t believe I tolerated this but I did.

        • you and me both. i cant believe i tolerated so much abuse and hatred from wasband. i actually braindumped 95% of it. i only discovered how much abuse it was when i started writing it all down. i remember reading stories of others on chumplady and another site i was on and thinking how truly terrible their stories were and then it hit me hard that for ever stories i thought was terrible i had a similar story also. .. .. so i decided to start writing these stories down as i remembered them. there was no order to them, i just would write it down in a 3 ring spiral as they popped into my head or when i read something that reminded me.. .. i ended up with 3 full spirals before i stopped. i know there are more things still not written

          one of my favorites is once when we were separated and i was suspicious that he was cheating on me, and finally busted him in the act. .. .. a few days or weeks later we were talking on the phone, and he joked about how “You and Her should get along great because you both have something in common. You both had me in you” (or something to that effect as i brain dumped that little gold mine years ago)

          and i cant believe i stayed with him after that.

  • He’s merely trying to pass himself off as an actual human. Not the demonic asshole his actions prove him to be.

  • Hi Patty,
    Your ex is a POS. It is beyond me the horseshit of a letter he wrote you. It is 100% a mindfuck. Cheaters like to come out smelling like a rose even though the rose is dead..a lot of it is impression management. He gets to tell others how he is a sad sausage and tried to apologize and make amends as a way to get sympathy and forgiveness from you and others. That letter is all about him. Where does he mention how he blew up your life and how devastating this must be to you? Why would any of this be of like mind with you?? Good grief! It reminds me of my own cheater…happiness is about him and no one else…he is the center of the universe and it’s his happiness that matters most. I’m sorry this happened to you and you just found yourself in the camp no one signs up to be in: Camp Mindfuck located on the road of What the fuck just happened to me?

    I agree with others, it just sucks, but we have to pick ourselves up and move on. I wish you love and a future filled with new unexpected turns that bring you to the next great chapter.

  • I know a 90+ woman who was dumped in her mid 80s. He tied up the money so her children had to come to her rescue. They were able to keep her in the house she and her h had built as a retirement home. He left her for a 70 year old. They were weeks away from the divorce when he turned in front of another car. Dead as a doorknob. Oooops. She got everything and the OW got nothing. First thing she did was buy a fancy new car and hit the road. Her sour moods disappeared when he did and she is having a ball. You have years ahead of you. Go for it.
    I have never heard a man call cats kitties. Kittens, yes, kitties, no. The more I read his letter the smaller he got. Is he about 4’11”?

    • OMG, that’s karma!! I hope she’s squealing those tires and putting miles between her and the memory of him.

      • She is the most active 90+ person I know. Goes to exercise several times a week, active in her church, goes to plays and visits her children all over the country. When her husband abandoned her she tried to stay upbeat but occasionally her mood would tank. I hate to say it but we all rejoiced when he was no longer able to torment her. I told her I want be her when I get to her age. She has a lot more pep than I do and I am many years younger than she. Thank goodness for her kids.

  • Dear Patty, your letter triggered some PTSD reactions in me. I shiver. My eyes tear.

    Because just the address changes….

    D-Day was at 39 years of marriage, a flatterfuck the age of my eldest son, with a brain sized inversely proportional to boobs and butt. A family destroyed for this. There were many other OWs, but I was the queen of spackle until I met Chump Lady

    And before divorce I get a letter: “Lets try to reconcile. I never thought we would have to divide our assets and not be able to play with our grandchildren together”

    And then Sparkledick comes by to say good by to the dog….

    Take care.

    • ClearWaters, same. Same, same, same. Mine too, his words were, “I never thought it would come to this.” I didn’t respond because I’m long past responding but my internal dialogue was ranting, “What exactly did you think it would come to, if not this?” Thanks for sharing your story, I’ll forever be amazed at how routine and common the horror is.

    • Stbxh is coming to grips with not having $$$$ to pay for the house.
      Or not coming to grips. Either way he can delay but only for so long.

  • Patty is “lucky.” My ex sent me letters every so often about how deeply flawed I was, which was of course the reason she had to do all those awful things. She went into depth about how much more attractive she was, and that I just apparently wasn’t up to par. If she hadn’t been so awesome, all these fat ugly married guys wouldn’t have wanted to have her as an NSA side dish.

    • TTW,
      I can relate. My ex-husband, even before he filed for divorce was eager to tell me, relatives. friends, co-workers, the Court, etc. what a horrible person I was (raising our young kids, virtually without his help as he worked around the world) and working on a doctorate) while he hired prostitutes, spied on me (although I was always faithful to him, and falsely accused me of committing crimes. Looking forward to the day he dies so that he can no longer harass me. I still sometimes Del angry that he used money that was supposed to go to our kids for college on sex with prostitutes.

  • Patty, you’re mighty. This letter just proves he’s a dick……Two years after divorce is where I’m at also. 25 year marriage. The longer I’m out from that nightmare the more I can see it for what it is: pure emotional abuse.

    Keep calm and no-contact on!

  • I think Suzy Sugarclity just dumped the XH for Bobby the bodybuilder – and he wants his ‘sure thing’ back?
    Go for NO CONTACT NOW!
    You’re getting set up.

  • Wanted to mention that the ex in this letter is a really proficient in mind screwing and I can understand her problems making sense of it all. I got stuck here too, trying to figure it out. This is why no contact and getting to not caring or trying to figure it out releases your mind from the endless treadmill of trying to understand something you will never understand or make sense of. As CL says the “skein of fuckedupness”.
    Cracked up at the picture of the kitty with the caption “I haz a sad”! Too funny as it depicts the absurdness of it all.

  • There was a time when I would have read that letter and though “poor XH. He’s so sad and lonely. I feel so bad for him”. I read this and I thought “wow that bastard didn’t mention her once”.

    This is how Getting A Life changes you!

  • that is what i thought also.
    i was wondering if he ever even touched the kitties when he was living there or was he just using something he knows she loves and enjoys to make it look like he loves the same thing.

    my ex used all the things i care about and love and believe and pretended he cared, loved and believed the same things. when we were married, he was a hard worker, sapposedly kept his word, fixed things instead of buying a new one and paid his bills before the due date. because that is the way i am. . .. .. now that that he is with the neighborhood meth head, he doesnt have a job, lies and steals, tosses things (good and broke) and just buys a new one and never pays his bills. he once bought a brand new car in oct 2016. he bought a brand new 2017 nissan versa. i was super jealous that he could buy a new car when i was struggling to put shoes and food for the kids. he literally made 3 payments on that car and never made another payment. he drove it around like he owned it, put in a stereo system, box speakers and rims and all sorts of custom details on this car. he would brag about his car to anyone who listened. . .. . couldnt keep a job or an apartment but he had that car. for 2 years, it got repossessed january 2019 when the company finally tracked him down.

    i honestly dont understand how he thought he would keep this car. in fact, he actually thru it in my face how i needed to pay my bills before i spent money on other things (That is the one thing i learned from you, MRSVAIN) during this time he wasnt making any car payments… .. .. just proof how you cant logic with crazy.

    but my point is wasband was one way with me and a completely different way with her. i was lucky enough to witness that first hand.

  • The last time my ex was here to pick up more of his crap he said, “I made a bad decision, and now I have to live with it.” I didn’t need the UBT to figure out what that meant. He is personally suffering from some unpleasant consequences after blowing two families apart. It is so sad that he is suffering from these unforeseen consequences. Am I not sorry for him that he has to experience the icky consequences of pursuing his married tru luv? Why is life so unfair? Why are there impediments to his and schmoopie’s eternal bliss? Why, oh, why?

    Patty, my ex is not nearly as eloquent as yours, but he is the same kind of self-centered, entitled bastard. He can’t admit that what he did created collateral damage. He doesn’t care because the end justifies the means. Your ex doesn’t miss you. He misses what you did to make his life comfortable.

    • Crabby Tabby (love the name),
      “I made a bad decision, and now I have to live with it.” This either is an example of the noble sausage ploy, a way to convey what an ethical person he is because he is “willing” to take the consequences, or it is a sad sausage ploy, which carries with it the unspoken addition to “…now I have to live with it” of “aren’t you going to do something about it?”

      My ex was a master sausage maker, and was an expert at conveying what he wanted me to do without actually coming out and saying it. He just expected me to infer it, and act in his interest. I did that for many of the years of our 35 year marriage, but Chump Lady and Chump Nation wised me up.

      When we divorced he said, “You can buy the house from me at XXX (a very reasonable undermarket price), or I can buy it from you at that price.” I knew he wanted me to buy it from him, because he had never taken any responsibility for it, and just wanted to walk away with the cash, but I also knew just how much work the house needed, and knew that I didn’t want to have to oversee that work and pay for it, especially as I was about to retire and wanted to be free to move. When I said to him, “Ok, you can buy it from me,” he was visibly shocked I didn’t do the thing he knew I knew he wanted me to choose.

      I have often wanted to say: “You offered me a choice, and for once I took the one in my interest. If you didn’t want it, you should have offered a different choice, like, “You can buy it from me for XXX or we can sell it and split the proceeds.” If he’d offered THAT choice, I would indeed have bought it from him, because I knew I’d be the one to oversee all the repairs, and would have been tied to him financially much longer, something I would have done anything to avoid. But, of course, he had spent so many years training me, teaching me to discern what he wanted and then give it to him, that he just expected me to defer to him on this one. I took a great deal of pleasure–and still do–at his surprise when I didn’t.

      Now, of course, to manage his image he feeds other people his sad sausage, because I “forced” him to take the house against his wishes, showing just what a bitch I am, or, alternately, his noble sausage, as if he took the house on because he wanted us to have an “amicable” divorce, so see what a decent, decent man I am.

  • Doesn’t sound a bit like guilt or remorse to me. What it sounds like is reputation management…ie if I tell you how great everything WAS then maybe you won’t slam me to others!

    Cold day in hell mother fucker!

    Thats a complete insult to your intelligence! I hope you get through this soon. He’s NO GOOD!

  • WTF is it with cheaters and kitties? Serial cheater kept messaging me asking me for photos of my kitties when serial cheater was in stalker phase.

    Needless to say I did not respond as much as I wanted to note how the internet was made for cat photos and to go knock yourself out with the plethora of photos of kitties online.

    • Without wanting to be crass but needing to be accurate, I’m pretty sure when they say ‘kitty’ they mean ‘pussy’ … It’s their code for ‘I miss using your body, abusing your heart and fucking with your mind, so here’s just a bit more impression-management-driven-perpetrator-as-victim mindfuckery to see if you can still be my secondary source of fuel as I’ve put too many years into positioning you to have to go off and start with a brand new secondary appliance from scratch …’ (ps When my STBX told me after the FOURTH time I refused his marriage proposal that he had invested too much time into me and didn’t want to start from scratch with someone else, I should have run for my life instead of assuming that he knew better than my gut instinct … 26 years later and 5 months post D-Day I think he has finally figured out that I will never respond to his Kitty Missing Drivel again, that the Hoovering is a complete waste of his time and he’ll need to find another willing-victim-side-girl to feed his text-addiction …)

  • Hi. I got a similar letter. It hurt when I got it, but eventually I was able to see it for the self-serving pile of crap that it is. And don’t be too hard on yourself, I wasn’t feeling too great two years out either. I’m four years out and feeling great most of the time. It takes a while.

  • He is realizing that the grass isn’t any greener on the other side. But if you will just be friendly to him he can absolve himself of the grenade he threw into his family. I hope you don’t.

  • Because of CL and CN I didn’t need the translation on this one! Shows me I have learned something so keep coming back here and you will see through this stuff too.

    I was 3 decades into chumpdom and was in major denial. The letter you got could have easily been written by the ‘x’ except we didn’t have cats. Words like that kept my hopium pipe full waiting of the day of true regret. Ain’t happened yet and CL has turned my focus around so I can create a future of my own without that foolish fantasy of hope….

    That man of my dreams NEVER existed (He is a serial cheater.) and I learned that here. He was a cliche and I learned that here.

    Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt because it does but it is getting better every day…..I never thought I would be able to type those words.

    Keep coming back and read all you can – archives – the works. You are in the right place – my opinion only!

  • I have to say – I get drivel like this ALL. THE. TIME. Anytime there is an open door to access me, I get the old song and dance of how we have two beautiful children together (that he walked out on, and gave up custody of), and we need to work together for the sake of our children (while he throws them under the bus every opportunity he gets, including not keeping them safe and not feeding them, AND he wants to 3-way coparent with his AP skanky involved. Nope!!) They are teenagers now and dealing with the fuckwit has been hell, but he is blocked on all access points except for one.
    This past weekend the boys refused to go see him, because his last 3 hour stint with them he basically dragged them along on a date with his whore-wife, and literally did not feed them – when he had them during dinner time and they told him they were hungry. They came home at 7:30 p.m., exhausted from a marathon hike, starving and livid. So I didn’t make them spend several hours with him this week because they are young men and this is getting absurd.
    Cue the police reports, barrage of unanswered phone calls to my son, and a voicemail threatening me with contempt charges if we don’t clear up this visitation issue . . . unless I contact him and we work this out together. The last thing he wants to do is “get you in trouble”. Ha!! Bullshit. Every single time he says he won’t press charges if I contact him to “work this out together”. He thought we were on a new page – apparently one of not feeding his children.
    Back to block block block and one point of contact for him should he desperately need something. Aside from attention . . . I’m all out of kibbles!!

    • Whatever, they are old enough to decide, so let him blather. If he wants to take you to court, you can bring the boys to tell the judge they don’t want to spend time with someone who refuses to meet their basic needs, and then you ask the judge to modify the Order. Things have changed and the Order can say upon mutual agreement between idiot and his teenaged children, visitation will be held.

      Fuck him and the whore he rode in on.

      • couldn’t agree more Chumpitty!!!! We’ve had issues with the kids for years now, and have gone through several guardians and the kids have also seen a counselor consistently. I emailed exhole once several months ago after the last bout of threats, outlining how Court would go – appoint a new guardian, interview the kids, bring in the counselor, which would take upwards of a year and be extremely expensive. Only for the Court to modify visitation to reflect what the kids want in the end anyway. I’d hate to incur additional fees for this bullshit, but I’ll always protect my kids. I debated on sending him the same email again, but that’s not my job. As is best with a narcissist, ignore ignore IGNORE!!

        No WAY his skank whore wife lets him spend a single dime on any of this.

  • This is my favorite post ever! My ex could have written this letter. Thank you for sharing Patty and CL is correct- it’s a total mindfuck! One created to keep you hanging on…… It gets better but takes time. Good luck and keep reading this blog. It’s a tremendous help

  • JFC this JUST happened to me, and has been happening for the last year.

    The latest:
    “I’m trying to be respectful of where you’re at and what you need. Just want to let you know I miss you and the kitties.”

    During our 14 year marriage, I lost count of the number of times he fooled around with someone else. I finally came to my senses and had enough about a year ago, but not before spending the last two years of my marriage trying to “fix” it. Then I realized I was the only one showing up to the marriage counseling appointments, and I was DONE.

    He didn’t want to do spousal support, and a year later still thinks he’s entitled to be Disneyland dad to the cats. ARGH.

    Thank you for putting the crazy into words, UBT.

  • “You caught me with another woman, you divorced me. This sequence of events confuses me. Why Patty?”

    UBT you are on FIRE! That literally made me laugh so hard, sounds just like the confusion my STBXH has with the situation at hand.

    His sadnesses were always “it sucks being alone”. Give. Me. A. Break. Barf

  • So good, Chump Lady. The Cockroach also lamented multiple times how much he missed the Dear Sweet Kitty ‘so much'(*vom*) … You UBT’d the shit out of so many of our ex game-players – poor poppets. May they roast in hell as the Ghosts of Kitties Past roast kibbles like demented marshmallows over their flames, the smell of burnt cake forever in their nostrils … (too harsh? too soon? too many mixed metaphors? Totally worth it)

  • This letter made me laugh.

    I had to put my dog down a couple of weeks ago. And what do you know, the X wanted to be a part of it. But it was all about ME ME ME ME. How he was sad. How he had built a pen for my dogs (who he didn’t really look after), and how he lost so much time with them. After not having much contact with the X, it was irritating to have to communicate with him. So much ugh. I was just bored with his texts and his blathering on and on about the dog etc. I mostly ignored his texts, and answered with one-word sentences because I was merely allowing him some courtesy time with the dog during his last few days.

    It’s all the same with people who have personality disorders – they’re not very original. Once you’ve seen them, you can’t unsee.

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