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UBT: “We Are Teachers, Not Demigods”

Dear Chump Lady,

I have a small but delicious morsel for the UBT to chew on. I also have a predicament, and I would greatly appreciate your and CN’s feedback.

A few years ago my husband — we’re not divorced yet, but will be soon — had a very sexual affair with a coworker. Let’s call her Socially Inept Slut, or SIS. Long story, short: They are both elementary school teachers in the same school district that my daughters attend.

These two delinquents carried on a fuckfest in a pink-tiled, teacher lounge restroom of an elementary school for six months. Oh, and with zero protection for STDs or pregnancy. He had already broken it off with her by the time I found out — as a result of my annual appointment at the OBGYN — but my once respectable and humble life had quickly become something fit for the Jerry Spring show.

My husband not only shat were he eats, but he also shat where my kids eat (or where they go to school, I should say). I’ve taken what I thought were the proper steps (notifying the superintendent, police, etc.) to make sure that SIS stays away from my daughters, but most of my complaints have been swept under the rug because (well!) cheating isn’t a crime. Fortunately, SIS very afraid of me, and so my kids and I have had few run-ins with her. However, in this oh-so-fun journey, I’ve also had the great pleasure of interacting with SIS’s friend and coworker. Yes, another like-minded idiot who is also a teacher. Here is a little sample of the complete garbage that this friend has texted me:

“There is no excuse for their actions and I’m sure she would wear a scarlet letter if you requested. You only know her in this context but you are clearly a strong and smart woman. A person’s character can not be solely measured by one set of very poor choices. She wants peace for you and so do I. My sister was in a very unhealthy relationship shortly before her cancer diagnosis. Call it philosophical bs but I have seen first hand how emotional disease manifests into physical ailments. Now that really would suck. Forgiveness is freeing and doesn’t give power to negative energy. Once again I acknowledge your feelings what happened was some serious bullshit and they both suck for that. We are teachers not demigods. We make mistakes and are humans first. I know some hold us to a higher standard and I know you could care less.”

This idiot friend teaches in the middle school, where my girls (now 11 and 10) will be attending this fall. Considering the fact that I am a concerned parent, I also have a few other annoying texts from this woman that I think a principal would find very troublesome. Really, I would just love to pull myself away from this years-long drama at once…. but as I indicated before these disordered fucks (all 3 of them) are teachers and I’m concerned about my kids being preyed upon, intimidated or (most likely) mistreated. My complaints weren’t taken seriously before, and so I’m not sure how to proceed with safeguarding my girls this time around.

I would greatly appreciate any advice before I succumb to my “emotional disease” (see above text). And PS….I have a 3-year-old who will eventually have to make his way through the school district.

Thank you!!

Onward_chump

Dear Onward chump,

The OW and her flying monkey suck, but do you have any indication that they’ve targeted your children in some way? Perhaps with treacly text messages exhorting forgiveness? Or do you mean that other school kids know about the pink-bathroom fuckfest with Daddy and could be unkind?

I think it’s perfectly okay to switch school districts because YOU hate the teachers. And because your husband inflicted this traumatic experience on you and broke up the family with his cheating. You could rightly move away because “years-long drama” is ENOUGH. Your sanity matters.

Unless you have left something out, I think you’ll have a harder sell with the authorities on Things Teachers Might Do to your kids. The strength of your argument lies in matter-of-factly reporting what they have done — a) created a sexualized work environment, b) sexualized a children’s school environment (i.e., fucking in the bathroom), c) continued to harass you with unwanted contact.

If that doesn’t make the school board’s heart flutter with thoughts of lawsuits, I don’t know what will. If it doesn’t? I’d move. I’m sorry.

I know that isn’t easy, but none of this is.

Now to the UBT.

“There is no excuse for their actions

But let me provide one. They “chose poorly.”

#getoverit

and I’m sure she would wear a scarlet letter if you requested.

SIS is completely amenable to all your requests. She would wear ashes and sackcloth. Eat live scorpions. Or have herself dragged naked through the town square by donkey cart. No request is too humiliating, such is her magnanimity.

You only know her in this context

You only know the fucking-your-husband-and-leaving-you-with-an-STD context. She also throws a mean dinner party.

#avocadodip2die4

but you are clearly a strong and smart woman.

The kind of woman who could drive a donkey cart.

A person’s character can not be solely measured by one set of very poor choices.

Sometimes it’s measured by several sets of poor choices. Cornucopias of piss-poor decisions. Sometimes the scales break under the weight of fuckwit malfeasance. And little people are crushed. Unimportant people. People like you, Onward.

She wants peace for you and so do I.

The quality of mercy is not to be strained, it droppeth as a gentle rain upon pubic lice…

She wants her job and so do I. So shut up.

#peace

My sister was in a very unhealthy relationship shortly before her cancer diagnosis.

An unhealthy relationship gave my sister cancer. But not my friend, SIS.

Cancer is odd.

Call it philosophical bs

Call it blameshifting. Call it none of my business. Call the cops. I’ll be giving you my opinion anyway.

Glad tidings of peace!

but I have seen first hand how emotional disease manifests into physical ailments.

Get cancer and DIE!

#kumbayabitch

Now that really would suck.

I would hate for something bad to happen to you if you don’t forgive.

Let’s keep piling up offenses for you to forgive and see how you do, shall we? Oops, missed a spot. I guess that’s cancer then!

Forgiveness is freeing and doesn’t give power to negative energy.

Fucking co-workers in pink bathrooms is freeing and doesn’t mess up your knees the way fucking on a carpet does. It’s the smooth wipe-down surfaces, I think.

STDs don’t give power to negative energy. Sterility and blindness, yes. Negative energy? No.

Once again I acknowledge your feelings

With this unwanted communication. #Ifeelya

what happened was some serious bullshit and they both suck for that.

Suck in that defend-them-with-a-ransom-note-for-forgiveness way.

We are teachers not demigods.

We have no divine status, what with the unions and all.

Had we been actual gods, we could’ve demanded the slaughter of innocents, cast thunderbolts, or ordered you to hold up the sky. As teachers, alas, we can only assign detention.

We make mistakes and are humans first.

Human mistakes. Abstract mistakes. Who cleans up mistakes? Clouds?

I do not know the answers. I am just a teacher.

I know some hold us to a higher standard and I know you could care less.”

I wrote this little mindfuck with the clear understanding that you could care less. Should you infer this as harassment, remember, I am not a demigod, but a human teacher. Do not tell my overlords.

#forgive

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Copied and pasted from one of my earlier responses: Unfortunately, I don’t have the resources to just pick up my kids and move them to another district. It was a long process in trying to secure their current home. I had already moved them to another elementary school after D-day, and it took more than 2 years for my kids to heal from the sudden move. So, this is not about revenge or karma, as others have mentioned here. This is about protecting my kids from disordered adults who have (and I suspect, will) abuse the power of their positions in order to interrogate or mistreat my kids. I’ve managed to have some peace since D-day 4 years ago, but kids grow up. Now, they’re moving up to another school where they will come face to face with another flavor of crazy. I hate to dredge up this pain again, but if I don’t at least try to address this with the new school, then I believe that I will have let my kids down and I cannot live with that.

      I hope that provides some more insight. Thank you, all.

      • Consider hiring an attorney to craft some communication to the district to cover your ass, that way if some bad behavior comes your kids way the ground is laid. Send to the district and school principal. Make any specific requests (change of classroom? Request for no communication with your children? etc.). Might cost you a few hundred bucks but would bring peace of mind and it would carry more weight and be more neutral.

        If your goal is punitive—to punish or embarrass those involved—well, not worth it. See: meh. You may just end up looking like the crazy bitter ex. That’s how that goes sometimes.

        • However, even if you look like the crazy ex, what’s the drawback for you? You’ll look like the crazy ex to a bunch of people who now know the awful reputation of two teachers! Essentially, you’re messing up their world; not yours. I’d recommend sending letters on the topics to anyone and EVERYONE in the district. Even if people believe the worst of you, their (cheaters) reputations (aka careers) are more on the line than what a bunch of teachers think of you. She will get embarrassed and quit. The friend might not but who cares. Block her number and be done.

      • Here’s my experience:
        First off, I am a teacher and I have had the flip-side experience:
        Exh1’s OWife has a son the same age (and back then grade-level) as my oldest son.
        I transferred schools so I could be close to DS1 much to the dismay and chagrin of exh1 and his OWife.
        I had zero contact with her son. Her nephew (also same age/grade), however is very close to DS1 so they would be around me a lot.
        At the time, I taught an 8th grade elective. I was told when they were in 6th grade that by the time they got to the 8th grade, her son would not be in my elective class. Fine by me.
        My fellow teachers did not like OWife — she was a total helicopter mom and fought every teacher over everything. Never once did I say anything about our personal history, she did.
        She told the principal the whole story so “he would know in case ( I ) said or did anything against her kid as a ‘personal vendetta’s against (her)” . My principal let her speak, she left, and that was that.
        I’m so sorry this is coming back around to you and your kids.
        You have two choices in my opinion:
        1. Sit back, wait and see what happens.
        2. Be proactive and get ahead of it and let it be known to all that unless it is school/academic context, zero contact. You don’t want the kids to be in the same class as said-teachers due to “personal bias/discrimination reasons” —- I know in my school district, there is a policy that kids if teachers (or relatives, step-relatives, etc) are not allowed to be in the class as a standing rule.
        I wish you the best of luck with this.
        Nothing was ever said to me again about it.
        Incidentally, she needent have worried about 8th grade — I switched grade levels that year and by the time that year ended, she threw him out in his ass anyway

      • If you must respond, I’d say:

        Mean Version:

        “I have no idea why you believe I have any interest in your opinion on this matter, or really why you think your opinion has any value at all. I can only assume that being in a room full of children who have to pretend you’re worth listening to or face detention has given you sadly misguided opinions on the value of your thoughts. I was going to actually pick apart every idiot sentence of that “forgive or get cancer” word vomit, but then I realized I was getting stupider every second I thought about it, and it wasn’t worth it. So I’m just going to say that I’m not interested in ever hearing from you on this matter, and if you ever contact me again on it I will complain to your employer.

        P.S. If you really must hear a response to your letter, you can re-watch this a few times.
        It’s kinder than you deserve considering your response was not only stupid but condescending, hypocritical, and morally bankrupt, but it’s close enough. youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0

        Or, simple version – since morons love the drama of a mean reply:

        “Your thoughts on this matter were not asked for or wanted. Do not contact me about this again. If you ever do, I will complain to your employer.”

    • School Affairs are the WORST.

      The OW during the affair decided to change “her” daughters school paper work to list my husband (we were married then and I did not know about the affair) as her daughters daddy on the school paperwork. I had worked in the district where both our children went to school for for 22 years and her daughter was in High School. The phones calls, text messages, and questions began. My kiddos were questioned, I was questioned and the “I’m so sorry” looks began.

      My decision was to take my kiddos and move 5000 miles away. Fast forward 3 years, there was another OW and our daughters were friends, same school district. At least I only knew about one affair while I was there. Just this past year her mama posted on FB that my X should of been the father of her daughter…EWE.

      I “ran away” according to a lot of people, but the drama is now just on social media which I avoid most of the time except when I fall into the “did he really cheat on me?” sadz.

      Affairs at school not only get adult chatter but also student/child chatter.

      I really trust now that he sucks.

  • I will never understand how people feel they can tell others how they should respond to pain and obstacles in life…no matter what they are adultery, death in a family, budget difficulties, whatever the case may be….did you ask? No? Mind your own business drama llama! And maybe the teacher lady is nice in other ways and feels remorse – doesn’t mean the person she hurt most in the world cares about that or should forgive. That is for her and her therapist to unravel. What a weird communication.

    I hope you can take your kid to another school. Ugh.

  • The best you can hope for is that if your kids remain in the school district that any teachers they have who know or are friends with either SIS or Festering Dick Sore get the heads-up that you will be monitoring how they are treated particularly closely.

    As for the UBT response, it might be amusing to send it to SIS, FDS and the person who wrote it AFTER the divorce decree is finalized.

    I would also share it with my supportive friends and family because it is a magnificent translation. Hell, I’d put it in an annual holiday card if I were the sort to send them. But I’m mean that way.

  • Show the text to her head. Ive had this sort of thing from teachers/friends who overstepped the mark before, not about cheating but interactions between our kids. In all cases it has been taken seriously, I think this should be.

    On another note, teachers having sex in the bathroom rumours is seriously not a good look for the school, I think if you focus on that, they will be in a flap to do something.

    Mine was a cheating teacher at his kids school and I went to talk to the head about how to avoid this negatively affecting my kids. well his job there ended, because really its the kid’s welfare or his, the schools have to choose the children.

  • Oh my, the gall.

    I would plan a move, completely foraged by screwing soon-to-be-ex-husband.
    Gather all and any evidence, expose these dumbasses, and rebuild a life somewhere else.

    Relocating in these circumstances sounds so freeing and Onward definitely has the attributes for it.
    She and her girls deserve PEACE!

  • Damn……the School Board where my kids went to school found out that a coach got an open container ticket and canned him. They’d have a field day with this circus.

  • I don’t know about schools, but screwing at work gets you terminated where I work. You even get terminated for smoking. So yes, cheating is actually illegal in that situation.

    These whores make me sick.

    • Writer has a couple of dilemmas. First, she probably needs child support so she doesn’t want her stbx fired. Second, even if there’s disciplinary action, the board, leadership and union have to ensure employee privacy. So it’s hard to tell if they act or not, other than for someone to lose their position. But this third party asswipe rates no courtesy and I’d copy her principal and school board on any cease and desist notification sent to her. It’s just creepy and I’d state it – creepy. Demand no contact. Honestly, I’d move, too. This is a pretty horrid situation. That teachers are coming home with dirty dicks from other teachers is just horrendous. They shouldn’t be touching children. So revolting.

  • “My sister was in a very unhealthy relationship shortly before her cancer diagnosis. Call it philosophical bs but I have seen first hand how emotional disease manifests into physical ailments.”

    For the stupidity alone of suggesting that CANCER is caused by an “unhealthy” relationship this idiot should be released.

    For self-serving pats on the back and steaming heaps of marinated crap ladled over one’s ex and the kids, has anyone bothered to wade through William Dameron’s book? I just can’t…

  • Dear Onward,

    If I understand your letter, your fuckwit and his schmoopie work at the elementary school and your daughters will attend the middle school. I think that a no contact policy may be best and easiest for you.

    It seems that schmoopie and flying monkey want to play with your mind and are doing that through messages etc. That is easy enough to put a halt to. Block the numbers and social media that give them contact. Throw written communication away without reading it. The idea is to protect your thoughts and emotions so that you can get to meh. You can’t get to meh without getting rid of those continued reminders.

    You could move homes or school districts and I really do understand that desire, but if that is the best choice for you has to extend beyond this situation. If your girls won’t see the bathroom fuckers at school and you won’t hear from schmoopie and her flying monkey, then some healing can take place. But as long as you keep contact in an hope of keeping tabs on their behavior, then you won’t find healing even if you move.

    I’m also pretty sure that you won’t find much help from a school board, though you could try. If you do then keep it to the fucking carried on by their employees in the bathroom. The school isn’t likely to care about your feelings or your kids. That will be viewed as a private family matter. Are you financially prepared if they would fire the stbx, because that could happen. There are lots of things to consider.

    Best wishes. I wish I had divorced my fuckwit when my kids were still young. I hope you find meh and a great life in your freedom.

    • Good advice. My response to the idiot friend email would have been “This is harassment. If you contact me again, i will file a report with the police and your supervisor” and then i would loudly tell everyone who will listen how wasband was cheating with teacher SIS. i would say it at the conferences. i would say it at open house. i would tell the librarian. i would tell other parents at the elementary to be careful and aware that SIS has std AND has sex in the school they are sending their children too. if the school board wont do anything because cheating is not illegal, i would blast that shit all over my town. and tell as many people as i could that sis and wasband are diseased and having inappropriate sex at school. SIS will quit and run away in shame. hopefully before your 3 years hits that elementary. your other kids should be safe. but i would make sure they did not have a class with idiot friend. who apparently thinks this was a singular poor choice but has not made the connection that her SIS friend has a STD which implies multiple poor choices.

      good luck. and stay strong.

      • Yes to outing the cheating, no to disclosing somebody’s health status (STDS). That could get YOU into legal hot water.

        • … No, it can’t, unless you’re a health professional or otherwise subject to HIPAA (or ADA in some cases). She can disclose SIS’s health status truthfully by disclosing her own, in any case.

          • Yes! Exactly. It became Her disease as well. She can speak about herself and how things happened TO her.

          • Nope-not what an attorney told me. If you want to tell people which std you carry, so be it. But you disclose those of others ? Legal trouble for you.

      • For everyone advising she yell the details from the rooftops, please remember there are kids involved. I don’t advocate shielding the children from the truth. It’s fair that they know the marriage is ending due to infidelity. However, middle school is difficult enough. These kids don’t need their dad’s lurid behavior to become the topic of idle gossip throughout their new school community.

        Also, a judge might view it as an attempt at parental alienation.

      • Yes, absolutely “out it” take that letter to the principal of the middle school your children will be attending and ask that your children not be placed in her classroom because the bias would interfere with your child’s learning environment. Ask the middle school principal if you should report ex and SIS behavior, occurring on school grounds, to the elementary principal. Ask the principal what is the district policy regarding this behavior. There is NO WAY I would want my kids attending a school where this behavior among teachers was allowed on school grounds. NO WAY. I’m sure there are other parents who feel the same.

        Be willing to volunteer at the school whenever you can and send in treats to your kids teachers and supplies for their classrooms. Attend all the conferences and be as involved of a parent as you can. Teachers are a tight bunch but they appreciate good moms when they see them. There will be plenty of teachers who will have your back and your kids back when they hear of this scandal, especially if they recognize you as the sane, kind, involved parent. I can’t believe the audacity of grown ups who are supposed to be educating our kids but instead are whoring around in a school bathroom. This should absolutely be called out and NOT tolerated.

  • The preaching of forgiveness without repentance is always amazing to me.

    Forgiveness is a 2 part deal. The first part is repentance. Have they repented? Have they even lamely tried to apologize?

    Dietrich Bonhoeffer called that “cheap grace,” it’s the grace that we bestow upon (demand for, perhaps?) ourselves, the preaching of forgiveness without repentance…..

    It’s “less than” real forgiveness.

    You cannot offer real forgiveness without their real repentance.

    • THIS! I love the quote “When we ask a woman to forgive a man who hasn’t repented, we’re asking her to do something God Himself will not do”.

      • Now, I think that’s incorrect. When Jesus was on the cross and he cried out to God, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” He asked God to forgive an unrepentant mob, because Jesus himself could not forgive them for what they were doing against him, because they were not repentant.

        If even Jesus can’t forgive the unrepentant, how are we supposed to?

        • I agree. Forgiveness is for the person holding the resentment. If I waited for repentance from the dick before I forgave him, I’d die a bitter old lady. I’m happy to say that I forgave the dick and it has freed me from a lot of hate that I held. I’m sure others are able to go on without ever forgiving their cheaters, but I could not. “Forgiveness is not a feeling; it’s not letting the other person off the hook; it’s not forgetting the wounds he/she caused you; it’s not blindly trusting him/her again; it’s not feeling friendly toward the person; it’s not thinking that you have to be ‘friends’ again; and it’s not having to dismiss restitution that should be paid. Forgiveness is an act of the will; it’s choosing to detach from revenge; it’s trusting that God will bring perfect justice in His time (and His way); it’s knowing it’s okay not to like someone but to still love him/her; it’s still being able to kindly set and enforce healthy boundaries with the person; it’s seeing the other person as deserving of kindness, even if you don’t like him/her; it’s focusing less on your rights and more on your responsibility to forgive; and it’s obedience to God’s command.” ‘Loving’ the dick and his skank was especially hard until I read that ‘loving’ someone means wanting the best for them. The best for me was to reach out to God, ask Him for forgiveness for my sins, and to be repentant. Therefore, I was able to ‘love’ the dick and his skank because I want the same for them, i.e., to reach out to God, to ask God for forgiveness for their sins, and to be repentant. I have no doubt that I will die before I ever see that happen, but they’re not my problem anymore. And I thank God that they aren’t!

        • Thank you for bringing this up. It made me think yet again on forgiveness and I had to go back and read exactly what Jesus said. In Luke, ch 17, Jesus said, “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying, ‘I am sorry’, you should forgive him.” I cannot say that Jesus couldn’t forgive the mob but He pleaded with Our Father to forgive them because God finalizes judgement. But Jesus instructs ““For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”. So that’s it in a nutshell. If you want to be forgiven, then you have to forgive. But…, does that mean we have to forgive the unrepentant? No, it doesn’t. If you have an unrepentant cheater you don’t have to forgive. But…, if you hold such animosity that you can’t let go of the anger and continue to want something bad to happen to the cheater, then you may be bordering on sin. I’m glad I was able to forgive for my own sake and leave it all in God’s hands to do what He wants with the unrepentant. But honestly, though I’ve let go of my anger, I would probably get a little thrill were I to hear that the dick and the skank had a falling out. Thanks for making me look it all back up. I appreciate it!

    • I love that Bonhoeffer showed up in this thread! And yeah, when I was going through my divorce I tried to explain it like this: maybe I could forgive the person who just stabbed me, but if they won’t stop stabbing me, and they’re continuing to actively plunge their knife into me, I can’t quite manage to get there yet. Ha.

      • See my response above…. about the only thing you can do, in a spiritual sense, is to ask God to forgive them and then bring them to repentance so that you can too.

        I admit I’m hedging my bets on “trusting they suck” and that they will never come to that place.

        • Totally. I was trying to explain to people why I wouldn’t just be silent or try to get the ex back with zero consequences. It wasn’t like he was begging my forgiveness and I was rigid (which by logical standards would have been well-warranted), he was fully unrepentant and continuing to pursue APs. So it’sreally hard to “move on” when the crimes are not yet completed, if you see what I mean. By the end of false reconciliation, when ex’s trysts had continued, my pastor was like “Yeah, if the guy won’t even come home at night really nobody can expect you to put yourself and your child in that situation.”

          And yeah, that’s why “meh” is such a powerful concept. It’s independent of what the cheater ends up doing or not doing. You can’t control what choices other people make, but you can control YOUR choices, and how you spend your time. They say resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die, and maybe that’s a little strong because you don’t always *choose* to feel resentful, it’s just a feeling that comes and goes. But I do think you can choose to focus on how you should best spend your time with your remaining energy and years, and that’s a powerful thing to take hold of.

    • You got to this before me. So all I can do is point to Kintsugi and repeat every word while screaming for everyone to hear.

      The whole inference that not forgiving causes cancer is top mindfuckery. I’m living proof you can move on and live an amazing life with out forgiveness. In the rare instance someone inquires about my lack of forgiveness I simply reply that Narkles the Clown did not ask because he thinks he has done nothing wrong. I then end up explaining how forgiveness works. No request? No atonement? No forgiveness. No worries for me.

      Also, No Contact is the path to the truth and the light. And on certain days I also believe it is the path to joy.

      • I’m getting in line right behind Alloutofkibble. There is “nothing to work with” when dealing with these disordered freaks. It is a waste of time to continue to expect a narcissist to give a damn about you. Ask me how I know? Bitter, bitter experience! I only communicate with my military cheater through my lawyer. Ain’t it grand? No contact is working for me.

      • Your words “someone inquires about my lack of forgiveness” bothers me. To me this reminds me that people who get involved in my very personal business of forgiveness are just trying to coerce me into certain actions that would benefit the cheater but ultimately result in my boundaries being violated. For example, my former sister in law says I’m bitter because I will only communicate with cheater ex in email or text. After 10 years of legal abuse, financial cheating and more lies, I’ve decided limiting contact to text and email is best FOR ME. She doesn’t care about my emotional health, she just wants the same illusion of happy family the her brother claims I should provide.

  • …did she seriously suggest that her sister’s unhealthy relationship actually gave her breast cancer…and then imply that will happen to the OP if she doesn’t forgive SIS?

    Did I read that right???

    • Pretty much insinuated OP will become sick if she doesn’t let go of her anger towards cheater and skank. I think the opposite…..OP would more likely become sick if she had to suck up and shut up about being her asswipe husband lying and cheating. Someone screws you over, you have every right to be pissed off. One would never become sick over justified anger, that type of anger is very healthy IMO.

    • Sorry to say that HPV has been linked to some breast cancers. Not “negative energy”, though. Puh-leeze.

    • i think she is implying that SIS was in an unhealthy relationship and then she got cancer and THAT was the reason she made this fucking-your-husband mistake. its is not that SIS has poor character it is because she had cancer AND had a unhealthy relationship that made her hike up her skirt and bend over in the faculty lounge bathroom so your husband can drive his dick into her to make her feel better.

      idiot friend does not want the OP to think badly of SIS after all she has been thru so much. idiot friend just want the OP to forgive (and not talk about) SIS.
      #Letsjustsweepthisallundertherug
      #forgiveness

    • My breast cancer developed during a toxic (abusive) relationship. At the time (2012) there was a lot of speculation in the literature that stress hormones could be linked with sleep disorders, obesity, diabetes and cancer. Much of the research was done in the area of the relationship between shift work, stress and physical manifestations of the stress. I remember at the time, my doctors linked my breast cancer with the stress of rotating shifts in the ICU — but that was far LESS stressful than living with the Narcissist who my doctors all knew by his shiny public persona. In retrospect, I think my sleep disorders, obesity, diabetes and cancer were more closely linked with the stress of living with Mr. Hyde than with rotating shifts in the ICU, which I actually enjoyed.

      There is some scientific evidence that stress (and stress hormones) can be linked to new onset of breast cancer or exacerbations or recurrences of breast cancer. (I’ve posted the link below, but haven’t yet figured out how to post it as a link.)

      In 2008, a group of Israeli scientists studied a group of women under 45 years old. They found that young women who had endured two or more traumatic life events had a higher than average rate of depression and greater vulnerability to breast cancer. The younger a woman was when a crisis hit, the greater their risk for cancer.

      Likewise, a Scandinavian study found an increased risk of breast cancer among women who perceived their lives to be more stressful.

      From a biological standpoint it would make sense that stress could stimulate breast cancer to grow or spread. When we are stressed we release a hormone called norepinephrine – one of our “stress hormones.” Norepinephrine in turn may stimulate both the formation of new blood vessels by cancers (angiogenesis) and hasten metastasis (spread of cancer.) Other studies looking at something called “telomerase activity” also suggest that there could be a biological basis behind stress facilitating the recurrence or spread of cancer.

      https://www.verywellhealth.com/stress-and-risk-factors-for-breast-cancer-430440

      • Still more evidence that leaving a cheater can save your life!

        But forgiveness at gunpoint – not so much.

      • I was under so much physical and emotional stress when I lived with the Twat my doctor told me to get out of there because such prolonged stress can cause the body to “react” – she meant cancer as it turned out. And why not. I only got 3-4 hours non-consecutive sleep, I got the shit kicked out of me a couple of times a week, I was drinking because of the stress and the constant walking on eggshells. Why shouldn’t my body react/break down? That doctor knew what she was talking about and I thank God I (eventually) listened to her!

  • On-ward Chump, I suppose you have no other option left but to contact local media. I’d clear it with your lawyer to avoid a defamation suit. Then e-mail your local news channel; name names, out the superintendent, school board, the SIS and your cheating X. The other parents deserve to know exactly what is going on in their school. Twitter, Facebook is an excellent means of outing this ridiculous behavior in a public forum.

    I amused myself envisioning unsuspecting coworkers eating their lunch, taking a break right there in that romantic fuck nest also used as the teacher’s lounge. How utterly ridiculous. Do you suppose they used a little air freshener to hide the aroma of a fuckfest?

    Those whores gave you a STI? You owe them nothing. Expose those cheaters in a methodical, calculated and well thought out public campaign. Other parents will thank you for caring enough to protect their children from a clearly disordered slut.

    Do you have complete custody? You could this as a bargaining tool to gain that. These adulterous freaks operate in darkness, expose them.

    I am so sorry this has happened to you. No child deserves to suffer for their parent’s disorder. You don’t deserve any of this.

    • Totally grasp your point and purpose, though it could backfire. The media would have to commit to not revealing the source or the writer’s own children would be harmed, but even so, the writer could be found out and the children would be harmed. It’s a cautious task at the least.

    • as a parent, i would most certainly want to know that there were teachers having sex in my childs school as well as having an STD.. … depending on what type of STD, it might be contagious to my child if the nasty horny teacher slut cant keep her legs closed and panties on. herpes and genital warts are VERY contagious and i damn sure would not want my elementary child sitting on the same chair the infected teacher was sitting on.

  • Thank you, CL and everyone for your feedback. Yes, I did forget to mention one thing. SIS came to my daughter’s classroom–post coitus, post breakup—under the guise of supervising a reading activity. (No, she was never my daughter’s teacher).

    She took my daughter aside to inquire about her summer activities. “Did you do that with your mom AND your dad??”. I find this to be a form of intimidation.

    My daughter brought this info to me, and I took it to the police. Then….nothing.

    • This is awful.

      The fact they they still have their jobs is astonishing. I would think that if you go to the superintendent and /or BOE, they would absolutely be fired. If they were doing this outside of school, you’d have little recourse. But in the building?? Take them down.

      I’m so sorry. I also suggest moving schools/towns if possible. You need some distance from the whole mess.

    • I’ve never liked biology but I kind of remember that STI isn’t transmitted via unforgiveness, negative feelings or negative energy.

    • Wow-that’s terrible. The only saving grace is that your daughter is probably too young to process this line of questioning as anything out of the ordinary and the ho-teacher is making a fool of herself. It’s likely you won’t have to experience the shit sandwich of your ex shacking up with her and taking your kids on trips to Disneyland together. Silver lining….sort of…
      I’m sure the police will do nothing. Unfortunately, we are now living in a society that is so hell-bent on NOT criminalizing sexual anything that the total unraveling of someone’s life by adultery and divorce gets protected. She may lose her job eventually if she can’t keep her pants on during parent conferences and then stalks the families of her affair partners.

      • Even if the school board/the head teacher/the police do nothing I would make sure they knew about it. My son was being bullied (hit with a knuckleduster) in school. When I found out I wrote an email to the school and copied the parents of other kids who were being beaten up too. I also said that if the school did nothing about it I would shout it loud and clear, including to the Embassy where bully’s dad worked. The head teacher, quite rightly said, “if we don’t do anything about this and it can be shown that the parents warned us about it WE are in big trouble”. And he was right and it stopped (the bully’s dad was an (Asian) Ambassador and the head teacher threatened to call his dad in).

        • Sorry, slightly off subject there, but my whole point is to make the school and whoever AWARE in writing and copied to a third party. You don’t have to go to the press or do it publicly since you have your kids to think of. Then you have proof if and when you need it further.

    • Complain to the school and try the education authority if they won’t listen. The cops won’t be able to do anything about this but the school sure as hell can.

    • i would confront this lady and inform her that she has no reason to talk to my daughters at all. i have a resting bitch face so my pissed off face is even more intimidating. i would let her know that she better not seek out my child again. Plus i would tell the supervisor and file a formal complaint for harassment with the school board. and/or school district. .. .

      there is no way in hell she would dare to talk to my children.

      your children should not be subjected to this kind of harassment at the school.

      • also, i would have called her immediately to set up a meeting with her and her boss/principle so i could tell her to her face (with her boss present) that her seeking out and talking to my child is unprofessional and she needs to keep her personal fuckfest away from my daughter. i would insinuate that the school is not providing a safe place for my children and ask the principle how he/she intends to protect my child from this type of harassment.

        this is making me so angry for your daughter.
        you must have nerves of steel not punching her out

    • OMG, that crazy bunny-boiling bitch needs to be fired, no question. Go as high up the food chain as you have to. Threaten lawsuits, media exposure, whatever it takes. She needs to be out of teaching.

    • Honestly I think you are in a bad position. I’d get an attorney, keep records, if your kids understand any of what is happening then have them take selfies with the SIS when she comes around. CL always preaches no contact so I think that is what is in order for you and your kids with these turds. The more of a shit-storm you raise the more it impacts your kids, shit always roles downhill. Unless you can move – which does not sound like an option – you probably need to get to meh or fake meh until you get there. You’re a role model to those kids and their friends so the more adulting you can do the more of a hero you will be to them. Wow, talk about eating the shit sandwich. I am truly sorry for you…

    • Gathering intel through your daughter is going pretty low. I imagine that she suspected cheaterpants of lying to her about the status of the family unit, so she had to ask a child if her parents were together or separated. I know the idea that a cheater would also lie is pretty intuitive to most of us, but someone who would fuck a married in a semi-public restroom in their workplace maybe lacks basic evaluation skills.

    • Manipulation of your child by SIS and/or idiot friend is absolutely NOT acceptable! Obviously, that school board/administration will not help you.
      Is it possible to transfer your children to a neighboring district, but not move there? I did this when my daughter was in middle school. I explained the reasons clearly to the superintendent and it was quickly approved. All I had to do was make sure she had transportation to and from that neighboring town daily. She flourished there.
      I am so sorry this happened to you. Fight for your kids and do not let that slut near them!

  • Hilarious CL! Especially the donkey cart references.
    I have a solution – get paper (preferably with those lines) and crayons and write in a child’s handwriting (you might have to practice) ” dear principal Mindboggler- I saw miss Slutwitch and Mr. Itchynuts in the pink bathroom playing with their pee-pees and I was told not to do that with mine!”
    That’ll do it right there!
    And as soon as they lose their jobs you laughing lt say ” I forgive you (lol)
    Enjoy

  • This was brilliant! Hilarious! My ex cheated with his coworker. Both junior high teachers. Him the math teacher, her the French teacher. They ended up marrying and have a one year old. He left me with a special needs child. Nothing says I love children like that!

    To be honest, I’ve never met anyone so narcissistic in all my life. I wonder if it has anything to do with being in a profession where people have to raise their hand in order to speak to you. #heroworship

    • The odds of becoming a CEO of a successful company are limited so narcs tend to gear towards teaching, law enforcement, clergy, politics, therapists, doctors, etc. Any profession where they can receive some sort of hero worship and control. Certainly not saying everyone that chooses the aforementioned careers are dysfunctional and narcissistic. Luckily for society the majority in these professions are decent and honorable.

      • Yep, first ex cheater was a cop who met his ho bag in the police academy, and my stbx now is military and the OW (also military) is a therapist!! Trifecta! I know there are many honorable and loyal men and women who are police officers and military…I’m just not dating any of them in the future #findmeaniceaccountantplease

  • Closed societies among teachers can be some of the most toxic environments imaginable. Once BS starts spinning around in that social zoo it can escalate fast.

    Bodies like school boards and HR departments exist for one purpose only: protect the parent entity from risk as much as you can.

    So, your best recourse with such a body is to show the people the risk in a way that puts you on the high and low-risk road and the other party in the position of creating risk.

    I see the following potential risks on the part of the other party:

    * Spreading STIs among staff
    * Inappropriate sexual workplace behavior
    * Inappropriate sexualized use of workplace facilities
    * Harassment of you (intervening in your private relationship without invitation), which could create a hostile workplace
    * Receiving pay during work time while engaging in non-professional conduct (which is a form of theft, really)

    At the least, the district should separate these parties into different groups or, ideally, separate schools to avoid any appearance of condoning impropriety. Your children deserve to go to a school where their teachers are behaving professionally.

    • My experience with school HR is that they protect the teachers, staff and school reputation at all costs. In our district, the parents are held at arm’s length and given a Scarlet “H” (for helicopter) if they express any dissatisfaction at all.

      • You must live where I do, madKatie63. If you express any criticism of anything about the school, they try to make you look like an uneducated hick who “doesn’t care” about the welfare of children.

  • In our public school district in Maryland, the local H.S. principal was fired and so was the secretary with whom he had an affair.

    So this is pretty brazen and extraordinarily stupid of SIS and DickScab.

  • Fucking in the bathroom of a school is a fire-able offense where I am. I am a teacher and would love to say I have never heard of this, but sadly I have. No teachers are not demigods, but they should show good judgement and character. Why in the hell is her “friend” so involved in this? Send her texts to the principal. She should keep her nose our of someone else’s business. Make a file and send it to all parties in the leadership. My ex was high up in a school district, he used district emails, phones, and position to continue an affair. I could have had him fired but used that leverage to get a better settlement.

  • I have had sex in quite a few places, due to wild younger days, but I am proud to say I’ve never stooped to having it in a Bathroom!! That is so disgusting.

    I have an idea for a new song. Think of Smoking in the Boys’ Room, by Motley Crue, and possibly Brownsville Station ?? before that. Substitute “fucking” for “smoking” and “bathroom” for ” boys’ room”. Lol. There’s also a line that says “teacher funny fill me up with your rules” and I’d substitute something for “rules”, too.

    • Anyway, if I had to be around the whores, I would sing “Fucking in the Bathroom” right in front of them. That will get it in their heads, then anytime I had to be around them I would sing or hum the real words but you know they know what you are thinking.

      This is immature, but the ex of mine said something so stupid once I literally laughed in his face. After that, I would think of his idiocy and it really cheered me up. This might help onward chump as well.

        • I am sure the song, “Isn’t It Romantic?” did not have in mind fucking in the bathroom. UBX could really get this one going.

        • When our daughter was in high school a teacher made derogatory remarks about her in class. This was a huge school but my husband and I were not intimidated and did not back down. The teacher was gone in a month.
          Get a lawyer to write a letter to the principal and the school board. There is something scary about a letter that gently reminds people their jobs might be in jeopardy unless……… They can usually take it from there. No threats, of course. Just a question about what will be done now that they understand the severity of the issue. All done with utmost diplomacy but a very stiff backbone.

      • To the tune of Smoking in the Boys Room:

        Verse 1, AP perspective}

        Sitting in the classroom thinking it’s a drag
        Dreaming of his penis and the two balls in his bag
        Waiting for recess and it can’t come to soon
        Gonna meet my twu wuv in the bathroom

        Chorus}

        Fucking in the bathroom
        Fucking in the bathroom
        Feeling like demigods for breaking the rules
        Everybody knows that fucking aint allowed in school

        Verse 2, cheater perspective}

        Checking out the halls making sure the coast is clear
        Looking in the stalls, nah, there aint nobody here
        Schmoopie lifts her shirt up to show me her tits
        Cuz we shit where we eat and eat where we shit

        Fucking in the bathroom
        Fucking in the bathroom
        We’re putting on over on all of you fools
        Everybody knows that fucking aint allowed in school

  • If your kids now in school are out of range, let this go. Let this settle down. There will soon be a new scandal on that faculty to take the focus. Trust me—I know about schools where this sort of thing is tolerated.

    But you have to disengage. Stop talking to the flying monkey friend. Block them all on social media. YOU CAN’T CONTROL WHAT THESE PEOPLE DO. Focus on your new life–ONWARD!–and trust that if something inappropriate happens, that you can handle it. If you are still in negotiation for the divorce, consider a clause that if this affair causes blow-back for the kids, your STBX must pay for private school tuition or approve a relocation to a new district. Just asking for that will encourage him to stop the talk. But for that to work, you need to be strictly no contact with the AP and any flying monkeys. You don’t have “friends” in that school, period.

  • And block them all on text and phone. (But save anything that’s already been sent, just as documentation.)

  • Jeez, nasty just nasty
    And a teacher that should at least know it’s
    COULDN’T care less….. dumb slut

  • I am a teacher, and this is disgusting. If I knew that my colleagues were having sex in the faculty room bathroom, I would report them immediately and shun them. Please know that most teachers, including me, are frantically grading during our lunches and are lucky to find time to use the bathroom for its proper, non-sexual use! They must be really crappy teachers if they have time for SEX during the workday. I can’t imagine doing something like that!

    Your Switzerland “friend” can say that teachers are only human, but as far as I’m concerned, we are and SHOULD be held to a higher standard as role models. I went into teaching knowing that I would be working with young people and have always made sure to conduct myself with the utmost propriety. I can’t imagine flirting with a single colleague, let alone having sex with a married one. What they did was wrong, and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

    Your district’s response to your ex and SIS’s behavior is also flat out wrong. If they can’t fire the cheaters, then they should at least make an example of them. In the district where I live (I teach in a neighboring district), there was a bit of a scandal several years ago at the elementary school. I knew that several teachers were moved around to different buildings, but it wasn’t until I ran into a friend and fellow parent that I learned why. There were, apparently, two affairs going on at my kids’ elementary school. When the principal found out, she broke the couples up by moving some of the cheaters to the middle school. Frankly, I think they should have been fired, but at least the principal did something to end the behavior. That is the least that your district could do (though with your kids moving to the middle school, I’m glad that they won’t have to deal with seeing either of the cheaters on a daily basis).

    I’m not sure that moving your kids to a different district would be helpful. By the time your little one gets to elementary school, I’m sure that the drama will have died down. Can you request that your youngest is never placed with SIS or your ex? We were always allowed to send the elementary school principal a letter to let her know of any situations that our children shouldn’t be placed in (like in a class with a child who bullies and harasses them). I would want a record like that on file, and I would fight to make sure that my child was never under either of their care.

    Now that your older kids are headed to middle school, it might be harder on them to leave their friends and the school that they know than to stay in your current district, especially since they won’t see your ex and SIS in school anymore. Unless your kids are being harassed by either of them during the school day (or harassed by others who found out about the cheating), I wouldn’t put them through the upheaval of changing districts. But, I don’t know the whole story, so you need to do what is best for the mental and emotional well-being of your family. I’m sorry that this has happened to you, and on behalf of honest teachers everywhere, I’d like to tar and feather the cheaters in your life and run them out of town! Believe me– if they are cheating during school, then they are also crappy, useless colleagues that other teachers do not want to work with!

  • They make mistakes.

    I’m not sure where you are in the settlement process. I’d say you have some leverage here. Make your STBX pay full tuition for a private elementary school of your choice for your youngest. Kids are going to middle school and have friends. It’s hard to uproot them at this age.

    Get him where it hurts, financially. Go for keeping your home, half his pension, and 70/30 custody with family health coverage for yourself and children. If you’re not working or gave up a career, get alimony.

  • Onward-
    So sorry for the onslaught emotions you must be feeling right now, and the faux spiritual BS that flying monkey, SIS and the sanctimonious preacher of forgiveness are subjecting you too. And the very physical pain of an STD. There are times when I think the scarlet letter wasn’t such a bad idea, although even Hawthorne seemed to be sympathetic to the cheater-makes me want to rethink my opinion about that novel. Anyway, I know exactly how you feel and the desire to get justice in a situation like this can be overwhelming.The idea of sex in the teacher’s lounge would make most people (even those that subscribe to the ‘adultery isn’t that bad’ philosophy) judge them harshly and there is something validating in the fantasy of seeing them publicly outed. Separating out all those emotions about your STBX and his worthless howorker–your valid and reasonable fury at them and your desire to see them burn- get mixed in with your emotions about your children and what this has done to them and the inherent outrage at the fact that this was at an elementary school and elementary school teachers are supposed to have a moral compass that doesn’t point to fucking a married coworker. No one wants to send their young children to morally bereft teachers. I am sure you have already encountered friends or acquaintances or therapists (and then there’s the sanctimonious friend of SIS) who will gently chastise you for these emotions and try to make you feel selfish for letting your own outrage mix with your feelings about your children, which does not help. So here’s this. Everything you said you want to do to them-notifying school boards, etc. makes perfect sense. It is a completely normal and not a selfish reaction at all. Grabbing a megaphone and shouting from the mountain tops about what a cheating asshole your ex is is a totally valid fantasy. I doubt you’re going to do it because, in the end, it would potentially jeopardize your alimony and embarrass your kids. But anyone that feels it necessary to criticize you for harboring that fantasy should be excommunicated along with your ex. My advice: move your kids to a different district. Don’t forgive those two. Write an edgy novel (with the names and locations changed, of course) or a screenplay–you have a great plot line. Have them outed to everyone in the book, follow that fantasy to its end. Hang in there!!!

  • *subjecting you to or to which they are subjecting you-not subjecting you too* still wishing for an edit button because I can only see my fast typing errors after posting…

  • My advice is not healthy or constructive but neither is that note, so . . . . Find the “friend” who had cancer. Tell her that her so-called friend thinks that her choice to be in a bad relationship and her choice not to forgive her ex make it her own fault that she had cancer. New-agers blaming the sick is disgusting and wrong and needs to be called out and shunned.

    • 👍 Totally. What a rancid pile of drivel that was. The narcissistic idiot acts like she’s a spiritual guru with mystical powers. What pretentious, offensive nonsense.

  • This one hit close to home.
    My ex wife was screwing at least two other school employees that were also doing a fourth at the elementary school where she taught. I mean AT the school.
    I got an anonymous phone call about this once, but had already been set up by my wife to disbelieve it. Seems everyone was “so mean to her” “and telling lies” for monthes beforehand. Gee, I wonder why?
    The shit hit the fan after DD when I had her wages garnished for child support Seems the school district was not amused. All the involved co-conspirators were moved to new schools. (A school district insider told me they decided not to fire them to avoid lawsuits.)
    Of course, I was to blame for all of this. If I had just quietly chewed my shit sandwich then all this “meaness” would not have happened.
    So glad to be rid of that sparkly turd!

  • Ugh!!! Me, my ex and her married AP all work together in the same IT department. That is a shit show of note. Plus side – seeing them flaunt their “twu wuv” on a daily basis in front of me was like punching the shit out of somebody who is already knocked out and lying on the ground – it meant I got over her faster, to the point that they are both dead to me. Pain eventually gives way to numbness. Which is how I feel about them and my broken marriage and the life that we once shared. Numb to the point of meh.

  • Love the UBT here, as usual. Genius level translation.
    Nothing more to add except my ex was a HS administrator (in a Catholic school – sheesh) and carried on affairs with his secretary AND another administrator. Both women eventually lost their jobs – one “laid-off” (ha) and the other fired for allegedly “unrelated” reasons – she then sued and won a small settlement but of course, the affair never was mentioned. My ex was also eventually pushed out but for some reason they spared him the humiliation of firing (catholic school cover-ups – they are not just for the priests) Now, he teaches religion in another school. Oh, the irony.

    Damn it feels good to tell that story and see how far I have come. It was such a giant clusterfuck of lies, abuse, and gaslighting. I am almost 4 years out and feeling very mighty!

  • Oh come on seriously? This is revenge plain and simple. You didn’t need to let the principal know, your kids were not going to be targets. I agree with the friend, let it go. You lost a cheater (thank god) and are hopefully gaining a life (per the website tag line). I get that you are pissed, you have every right to be but either move school districts or drop it. This whole website and community is devoted to creating a better life for you and your kids. Focus on that and leave the cheaters to their antics. It is better here on the other side of meh I assure you.

    • No way. These people have violated rules and there must be consequences. You think teachers should be allowed to fuck in the schools? Moreover, why should her kids be put in a position have contact with their father’s AP and the crazy bff who harasses their mom? How do you know her kids won’t be targeted by the AP and her weirdo friend? Why is it on *her* to prevent that by changing school districts? This is not her responsibility, it’s the school board’s duty to deal with it. All three fuckwits should be fired.

      We have to do what’s necessary to uphold basic standards of decency in society or we’ll all sink in shit. I don’t want to take a bath in fuckwit offal. Do you?

      • Chumpup,
        It saddens me to see that most of the comments here suggest *I* am the one who must up-heave my kids from the town and their beloved friendships….and so naturally I feel a sense of relief in reading your words. I don’t have the resources to just pick up my kids and move them to another district. It was a long process in trying to secure their current home. I had already moved them to another elementary school after D-day, and it took more than 2 years for my kids to heal from the sudden move. So, this is not about revenge or karma, as others have mentioned here. This is about protecting my kids from disordered adults who have (and I suspect, will) abuse the power of their positions in order to interrogate or mistreat my kids. I’ve managed to have some peace since D-day 4 years ago, but kids grow up. Now, they’re moving up to another school where they will come face to face with another flavor of crazy. I hate to dredge up this pain again, but if I don’t at least try to address this with the new school, then I believe that I will have let my kids down and I cannot live with that.

        • I’m so sorry for the hell you’re going through. Of course it’s not encumbent on you to uproot your kids in order to “fix” this deplorable situation. It wouldn’t fix it because those disordered scumbags will still get their jollies having sex in the school. They clearly enjoy being transgressive. What if a kid should walk in on them? I don’t understand why so many people think changing districts is a solution.
          As for “revenge”, that’s just bullshit.

          You aren’t letting your kids down. Their asshole father did that. You’re an awesome parent. Never doubt that. Much love. 💕

        • Agreed! You are protecting your kids, as well as other kids, from deeply deranged people with no sense of ethics!

        • I’m sorry for all that you’re going through. I’m sorry you don’t have the means to just move, and I agree, the stability of your children is most important. But because this SIS sought out your child and specifically asked her a question about ‘mommy and daddy’ means that she’s sick in the head. She should have stayed away. I’ve said a prayer for you to do what needs to be done. And may you ensure that she never comes near any of your children ever again.

        • Onward, hugs to you. Have a talk with the kids about letting you know if there is talk about this, or if they are impacted. It’s a safe bet that the school knows of their shenanigans. No need to forgive the unforgivable. Just look after you and your kids and one day you will cross that line of going to and be in a place where you thrive. I hope it is very soon.

      • Bunny boiler EAP is also a mom at my daughters school. She targeted my daughter, more so attempts to show my daughter how ‘nice’ she is. My daughter just ‘wants her to leave me alone’. I complained and school could do nothing. I got an interim AVO issued against her on my daughters behalf (stalking MY house, not his, to see where he was). Boy, did that school tell her husband quick smart that if the AVO becomes final she is not allowed on the school grounds. It’s a gross assumption the child won’t be targeted. My daughter is still in therapy for anxiety resulting from the activities of the bunny boiler.

    • did you miss the part that she is seeking out her daughter and asking her personal questions to find out information on the husband/daddy? is that acceptable behavior for a teacher, questioning a child to find out what her exlover is doing.

      NOT OK in my book. i dont care how Meh i am if wasbands lovers start talking to my kids to gather information i am punching someone out or at the very least reporting them to their boss.

      dont mess with my kids to get your fix.

    • HM … Revenge, karma, payback … to squelch the pain, stop the thoughts, make us feel better … are all thoughts MOST OF US HAVE. We discard them pretty quickly, but they do make an appearance for our consideration from time to time.

      If you have reached the Land of Meh, which you say you have, without going through that process of exacting revenge, then kudos to you. You are the minority, I’m sure. This woman who writes in is asking a question about the problem she faces, and no doubt has already questioned her motives … she’s looking for advice. She also has clarified that it is not revenge that she wants, but rather protection for her children.

      When you say, “Oh come on seriously? This is revenge plain and simple”, that is NOT advice … it’s triggering, taunting, and rude. How can you even fathom talking to someone like that?

      Then you generalize by saying, “This whole website and community is devoted to creating a better life for you and your kids.”

      And did we all take YOUR path towards Meh? No.

      In an area near me, a priest from the Diocese was convicted of abusing 47 girls between the ages of 7 and 15, over a span of 32 years, while touring the schools in his district. Although this isn’t the same as as two teachers doing it in a school bathroom, or a teacher questioning a little girl for details on her parents’ activities, it’s interesting that reports of this school abuse, reported to the police at the time, dating back to 1962, were not found until 2007 … 45 years later, buried in amongst accounting folders at the back of a filing cabinet in the Diocese’s office. They weren’t even in the priest’s personal file.

      So did someone feel the same way as you do? That they didn’t need to let anyone know? That no one else would be hurt? It seems so.

      Yes, as you say, she lost a cheater, but the school her kids go to is still reeking of teachers who don’t deserve to teach her kids, nor anyone else’s. As much as Chumps are concerned about their own problems, as a general rule, we also care about others, we are accountable, and we don’t lie … that’s why we’re Chumps!!!!

  • I’m going out on a limb here .. perhaps this asshole “HM” doesn’t belong on this site? I thought we were supposed to be kind to one another here?

    • I agree HM should not be on this site, Scolding her for her wanting to seek revenge is out of line. Maybe her Husband should have thought of the consequences when he screwed the teacher in the bathroom. Both of them deserve to be fired. He gave her an STD. Her husband made the choice to cheat and put her health at risk. She has every right to feel the way she feels.

  • My father’s bunny boiler mistress was my elementary school teacher for two years. Secrets, as it became clear only later that that had been the case. She had a child with her partner, then another one with him. It was the 70’s. The new ways were setting in. The old guard would not have tolerated such a thing. But the new people felt they were cool and the world was theirs.
    Grandfather tried to oppose and protect us-when he got to know. He came to his death. My father had impregnated his mistress one month earlier (as could be established later). From that point onwards my father, knowing that he had killed his father, slowly “went mad” more and more as he and mistress blameshifted on us more and more and tried to do us in for many years from behind the scenes (they also had another child) – most of it was secret.
    My father’s going lateral caused us not to be able to have a modicum of safety or security. And made me easy prey for an unscrupulous predator.
    So much for adultery not being a problem. No, not at all. What is that word even?

    • How very sad for you. May your grandfather’s efforts to protect you not have been completely in vain.

  • Is no one going to address the narcissism in this letter to OP?

    “This chump OBVIOUSLY assumes that we are all god-like beings. I better make it clear to her inferior chimp brain that, no, I am NOT a god. I am extraordinarily humble.”

    • Yeah, don’t you love it when narcass bitches say things like that. The most common ones are “I’m only human” and “I’m not a saint.” Really, fuckwit? You’re *not* St Francis of Assisi? I couldn’t tell.

      I suspect this pretentious twit thinks using the word “demigods” makes her sound smart. It doesn’t, because she’s misused the word. It isn’t a synonym for sainthood.

  • She’s a teacher who doesn’t know it’s actually *couldn’t* care less?

    I would bypass the do-nothing principal and superintendent and send letters to every member of the school board with all of this. If you can afford it, have a lawyer do it. Threaten the board with a lawsuit and that you’ll go public if they don’t fire all three of these asshats. Maybe you can’t afford a lawsuit, but you can go to the media if the board refuses to do something about what is clearly a toxic situation. Having sex on school property has got to be violating the rules, let alone involving her friend to send harassing texts to you. Nor should your kids ever be put in a position to have contact with their father’s whore at school, even in passing. The texts will be very helpful as evidence, so that was stupid. What a trio of moronic fuckwits. Get ’em! If you have to, go even higher.
    There was a completely incompetent, offensively dishonest asshat principal in my daughter’s school many years ago. He would not properly accommodate her disabilities. After exhausting every other method, I went to my member of parliament, and lo and behold, he was “retired” and the situation with my daughter was resolved. So just keep going higher up the food chain until somebody listens to you. If nobody does, expose the whole rotten bunch of them. It’s a juicy story which your local media would probably love.

  • Change districts. Your kids deserve better than to receive an education in an environment tarnished by their dad’s reputation. I doubt the teachers would take it out on your kids, but people talk, teachers talk, parents talk, and kids find things out.

    Your ex is a jerk.

  • Also, I say this with kindness because it sucks, but take CLs advice on the argument about their behavior. Be objective if you do raise the issue to the principle.

    The thing is, this is the worst thing in the world to you, but even you said this is Jerry Springer like, and people tend to stay away from that like the plague (only getting close enough to sit on the sidelines to gawk). The offending parties won’t be embarrassed is easily—they have no couth.

    Do what you can to maintain your dignity and reputation. People, unfortunately, won’t always share your outrage. But we do at Chump Nation!

    • Thank you for these two entries of yours.
      As, in elementary school, I was given by another child the name “first name + in rags”, which, translated, rimes with that of a famous ballerina, I wonder whether that child -and likely his family- had picked up on my being a Cinderella, that is, a girl without protection. It is not that in Cinderella the father does not exist. It is that the father is dominated, and offers no protection to his daughter. So possibly that child in my class had picked up on the debauchery of my father and of teacher mistress.

  • Tracy… aka Chump Lady,
    OMGosh … you made me laugh today. I haven’t laughed out loud in almost 5 yrs!
    My laughter was not at Onwards Chump’s situation, which is appalling to say the least! But, Your way of looking at the absurd things we Chumps deal with day in and day out….. #kumbayabitch😂😂😂
    I will forever be a Patron!!
    Please forever keep your sense of humor, I need more laughter in my life. 😘

  • What a garbled mess that woman’s text is. I hope she’s not an English teacher-the expression is “couldn’t care less”, not “could care less”. What a twit

    • Since I don’t have a witty comeback (and Tracy’s b.s. translator did an on point translation), I figured I would just correct her grammar.

  • I am a teacher and I hate all three of these assholes. If I worked in the district and had knowledge of what was occurring, I’d shun the hell out of all of them. I know I’d have ostracized them even before my own chumping occurred, because something similar happened whil I was in grad school and I cut the cheaters out of my life even though I shared an office with one of them. These three are fuckwits of the highest order. And the line about not being demigods?! Bitch cookie. As a teacher, I know that there are times I am expected to do superhuman things and to pretzel myself in ways that are both painful and maddening. But, to imply that expecting a teacher to behave morally implies that you expect them to transcend the limits of humanity? No. We should be models of morality, kindness, and decency. Our students spend a lot of time with us and observe us carefully. I take very seriously the fact that my students learn more from my behavior than from my words. And they notice Every. Single. Thing. So, all three of these assclowns should be ashamed. I want them out of my profession.

    Please rest assured that we are not all like this fuckwit triad. If your children were in my class and I had knowledge of what had transpired, I would have an extra eye out to make sure that they were doing okay, without ever discussing this asshattery, and would scrutinize the behavior toward them by others who might condone the cheating. I’d be 100% on Team Onward.

    I think you should tell the friend, in no uncertain terms, that you never want to have contact with her again and that if she reaches out with this sort of tripe again, you’ll forward it to her boss and the school board. Your spouse’s fucking around, on school property, is especially nauseating. I feel sick just thinking about it. Did I mention that I hate these people?! They suck.

  • I can completely empathize with the line “my life became something from the Jerry Springer show 🙁 .” I felt like the whole town knew of the scandal.

    Unless the kids themselves are being targeted by OW, the school district isn’t going to care. The fact that they have awful character in their personal lives will not be considered. They will just turn this around on you.

    If that lady sent those texts uninitiated, then include them in your correspondence with district officials. If YOU sent something to her first, STOP. You can’t make Switzerland friends and co-workers care, and they’ll just try to cast you as a lunatic.

    As CL says, I would pass this along to the superintendent (not just the principal) in the interest of sexual harassment. If Suzy Bathroom Quickies decides to sue your ex-h, child support could be hard to come by. I’m sorry to be so clinical about this, but the school system isn’t a good avenue for equalizing karma.

    Yeah, I’d just move to another school zone. That’s just too many players in the soap opera.

  • Onward Chump moving on from the school and those teachers that are so unprofessional has advantages. Agree with the point above that most teachers are busy preparing, planning, assessing activities to benefit their students however as CN well know, cheaters suck. Grilling your child is particularly ‘off’ too. Their coworker is not helpful can you block further ‘help’? Maybe rethink what you call your STBX? I Dropped the term ‘husband’ once it became apparent broken vows meant he was not acting in that role. Now he’s disordered X, or ‘your father’ to the kids.

  • Wooowwwww… So out of curiosity, did SIS ever send a real, heartfelt apology herself? Or does she just send her flying monkeys to manipulate and blameshift her victims into forgiving her? Dangerous pieces of shit, all of them. Yes, get your kids as far away from the trainwreck as possible!

  • This sounds so much like my own situation. Caught my wife with my kid’s teacher/coach in the backseat of the car. Verification of sex on school grounds and on team trips. The coach called my kids the next day to explain he was just giving my wife “marital counseling”. (euphemisms for cheater sex might be a Fun Friday post). Principal isn’t sure at this point that sex on school grounds is a firable offense. The principal is just happy the kids decided to leave the school for the last year of high school rather than endure seeing their teacher/coach everyday in the hall. No care about the additional impact to my children of having to leave the community and school my children have been in since the beginning.

    • Sad Bystander, seems to me that you have grounds for one hella lawsuit against school district. They will settle in a minute to keep this out of a courtroom. It could pay your kids college tuition!

      • You would think so Bruno. But just getting the principal to remove him from his coaching role even after I have pointed out that this teacher/coach violated 4 of the 10 contractual provisions that subject a teacher to firing and loss of teaching credentials occurred in this situation. Removing the coach from a coaching position is a low level response when he should be losing his teaching job, but the Principal seems to place these 4 documented contract violations to the side as something that shouldn’t be considered. I am going to need to ramp up my response to the School Board, the State Certification Board and finally the news media.

        • Find an attorney.
          Your kids have been harmed by these Bozos.
          Keep the theatrics as an escalation if the school district does not respond appropriately. They know this is a hot potato.

  • Onward Chump,
    I think you have several issues here.
    One is your cheating teacher ex and his partner in crime. If you complained about this and the school did nothing, it looks like you’re at a dead end, unless you want to take it up the administrative ladder past the principal.
    Second is the affair partner’s questioning of your daughter. (Sounds as if she was trying to check the truth of what cheater husband had said to her. ) That’s a separate issue from the cheating, and you could in fact make another visit to the principal about her harassment of your daughter.
    Last is this flying monkey at the junior high where your children are about to go to school. I’d take that letter in to the principal, explain the background, and then state in no uncertain terms that your children are never to take a class with this person.
    And it might be a good idea to visit an attorney before you visit either principal, just to see whether you have a case for legal redress if the school takes no action.

  • Wow! What an awful position to be in!

    I agree with CL’s advice. If you want to move because you hate the teachers, that’s a viable option. If you want to make the case to the school board in why they should be in another middle school, then focus on what’s been done, not what might happen.

    I very much agree that it’s long past time to cut off SIS from your contact. Contact with your STBXH should be limited to custody issues. Recommend going through Our Family Wizard as part of the custody agreement, as this puts the schedule out there where everyone in the family can see it and you can communicate via the software messaging system. Your communication needs to be limited to confirming medical and extracurricular activities and their impact on custody schedules. Once you are away from STBXH and keep as No Contact as you possibly can, given that you share custody, you will feel better.

    Insofar as SIS’s friend is concerned, go as No Contact as you can. Unfriend them/block them on social media. If you must interact with them–say you meet them in a social or professional situation where you can’t avoid them–then go Gray Rock. You don’t need a Switzerland friend, and given that SIS picked up an STD prior to her affair with STBXH, you never know whether Switzerland Friend might have been part of that chain. SIS may find that the local school district allows her a nice pond in which to cast her fishnet thong.

    The other thing is this. You said that your daughters took a couple of years to settle into the new school. If they’re not already in counseling, make sure they receive it. It’s important that your daughters have some voice in their educational experience, and they may find it easier to sort their feelings out with a therapist. As long as they feel okay, then relax. If they are uncomfortable, having a therapist’s recommendations can go a long way toward supporting a change in school.

    Best of luck!

  • Ahh teaching…

    Can’t remember where I heard this; however apparently teaching is one of the worst professions for infidelity.

    STBXW is a teacher and her older sister, a cheater too and now divorced because of it, is also a teacher

    I like the idea given above to bypass the school principal & admin and just go straight to the members of the school board and directly mention a lawsuit — the board members will care about the school and its reputation but most likely couldn’t care less about any individual teacher (unless of course they’ve in an affair with them, which sadly of course is always a possibility)

  • I would consider waiting until the Divorce is final before you go forward with any of this info to the school. My cheating ex-wife is a teacher with great medical benefits. It was part of the decree that she pay for the medical premiums. Just don’t want this to make it harder in the long run for Onward Chump.

  • Your children have just been handed a golden ticket to private education at the school district’s expense. Keep all the emails, take copies to your lawyer, and have your lawyer contact the school district. The district is clearly at fault for not adequately supervising their employees (the sex on school grounds was a big no-no) thereby creating the hostile situation. The on-going harassment of the emails is further proof. You should also insist upon school district provided transport to the private school. Contact a special education attorney if your attorney does not know how to proceed. This is a slam dunk. Just a hint of scandal will make the school district pay up.

    Scorched earth, baby.

  • Hi Onward Chump,

    You have my deepest sympathies. I am a teacher, my STBX is a teacher, his current AP is a teacher, and her husband is a teacher. Where I live we have a code of ethics but interestingly enough if my STBX’s AP criticized my teaching ability behind my back she could be up on a code of ethics charge but him and her screwing each other silly doesn’t count. My STBX did get slapped with an ethics charge a few years ago because on Dday 1 he took a sick day to screw someone. I was so overwhelmed with trying to keep the sex part out of the publication that is released to the public and teachers that I didn’t really process the infidelity enough (which led to Dday 2 instead of me leaving him). I did this because my children share his last name (I don’t and never have) and it is distinctive so everyone would have known it was my kids (as the news often publish these stories with the names attached).

    This is where I would caution you on what to do. I am not sure what your kids know about the situation but you would not want to create a situation where the names are published which could lead to more issues for your children. In trying to protect your children you do not want to inadvertently cause more damage or pain to them. I am disgusted that the OW spoke to your child as that was so inappropriate. Also, her friend is opening herself up to discipline by contacting you. I think the safest course of action is to make it clear to your STBX that if the OW, or the OW’s flying monkey approach your children that you will contact all level of school authorities. I would imagine that this should make any sane person back off. If they don’t then go ahead and contact everyone. You must do whatever you feel is right but definitely think through each situation carefully – sometimes it is hard to predict what the fallout could be.

    What has become very clear to me while reading this blog is that cheating is an equal opportunity crime. It can happen to anyone and it happens across gender, socioeconomic, political, racial, and religious spectrums. It really saddens me how much it happens. This is part of the reason why people treat cheating like a hot potato- it can land in anyone’s lap. It is easier to pretend that us chumps brought it on somehow rather than thinking that we are never actually immune or secure. I always had the premise that my STBX loved me and while we may not always agree I thought he would always have my best interests at heart – I now know this really only exists in Hallmark movies.

    Teachers cheat, pilots cheat, doctors cheat, nurses cheat, homemakers cheat, CEOs cheat, artists cheat, therapists cheat, etc etc. This is why I think we reallly should spread the word about protecting yourself when you get married or have a marriage like relationship. Make sure you always have access to financial accounts, make sure you have job opportunities (even if part-time), make sure you don’t give up too much of yourself for another person, make sure you always take time to check on the marriage (think about whether there have been changes or strange behaviour). Hugs to all.

  • adultery isn’t a crime BUT 2 teachers having sex on school grounds is reason for dismissal. Don’t bother with the school administrators. After over two decades of being a teacher I can tell you the biggest cheaters on campus are school administrators (male and female) and school athletic coaches (male and female). Write a letter to the superintendent. Make the last sentence of the letter: “Does the local tv media know this is going on?” No superintendent is going to give up his/her job over two teachers having sex. (The superintendent of my school district makes almost half a million dollars a year in salary).

    As for the sister writing to you- don’t communicate with her but save all her correspondents. When your kids get to her middle school make sure they aren’t in any of her classes. Use the messages if you have to “to grease the wheels”.

    Side note: Your cheater will be fired = no money for kids. I had to contemplate a similar situation with my cheater XW (who is a school head counselor). She was showing her subordinate counselors all the naked pictures of her AP that he was sending her. This is grounds for automatic dismissal (heck all the employees had to watch an HR video on that exact situation). I kept my mouth shut… but it did motivate XW to not want the divorce to go to a courtroom. Choose your battles is all my saying. Best of luck.

  • My ex teaches and coaches at the high school where my kids go to school. After 23 years of marriage my d day was the school secretary and a mom of boys who had wrestled. Ya know…my Facebook friend and someone I knew. I actually divorced him. But…before it was even final he decided to hook up with my son’s married English teacher….whose husband was actually had cancer. Long story short…our lives went from Friday Night Lights to Jerry Springer! I can relate! Support your kids! They absolutely deserve one sane parent!

    • OMG Teacherchump – your X sounds particularly vile. Also, his OW cheating on her husband who had cancer – despicable. I cannot fathom how they can live with themselves. Cheaters are such destructive cowards. My STBX is going to team teach a new class with his OW (who is married) and it makes me want to vomit – they are supposed to be role models – yuck. Why not just tell me that sex and drugs with her is more important than me and the kids and leave – then you would be an asshole but not a liar and a cheat. I am surprised he didn’t tell me it was because he was “exuberantly defiant” he just said he had changed and become a “better man” (I think he may have a brain eating amoeba – that’s the only way that a person could think that cheating, lying, and stealing makes you a better man). It blows the mind.

  • “and I’m sure she would wear a scarlet letter if you requested.”

    I read this as:

    “You are a vindictive and unreasonable bitch with nineteenth century ideas of morality, and I pity you.”

    Just saying.

  • Classic. The distance between fucking in the bathroom at work and god status is obviously just so, so narrow that we can’t blame them for falling on the wrong side of that vanishingly thin line.

    I am so tired of the trope that “oh, you are just an aaannngggelllll” if you are a decent human who does not fuck strange and betray your spouse. I got that line from my X Asshat as I pointed out the horrid indecency of his abandoning me by e-mail so he could pursue a chick our daughter’s age.

    Obviously I am just not savvy to the human condition and need to lighten up a bit. /sarc

  • You may not be able to move the kids now but notify school and share concerns that your kids might one way or another be in a position where they receive prefential or prejudicial treatment as a result of the intimate relationship between theur father and sis. Réquest that give consideration to possibility and over all well being of your children who are faced with the situation.
    It might not get her transferred but it lays the ground work should anything go awry with her and kids.
    Cheaters hate being outed. They might take pains to avoid your kids.

  • The UBT is brilliant today!

    I’d file a complaint with the state department of education asking for an investigation, then I’d transfer the kids to another school for next year. Nope the heck out of this gross bathroom-bang triangulation. And give your kids an environment where they won’t be teased or bullied for their dad’s disgusting choices.

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