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Dear Chump Lady, I went grey rock, he went nuts

Dear Chump Lady,

My chronically cheating EX husband is unfortunately stuck in my life until one of us keels over because I had a baby with him during our marriage. Now, I love our child to death, but had I known my ex was posing as a photographer and taking lingerie pictures of 18-19 year old girls and boning groupies and prostitutes for the whole 6 years we were together, I would have NEVER procreated with a man like him. He is a barely sentient piece of shit in my opinion (pardon my French).

Anyway, even though he is engaged, (He is 45, she is 24. He loves to accuse me of being jealous, but I’m not. I feel awful for the poor woman, who I know that he is also cheating on with a 22-year-old. YIKES he is sick.) Anyway, even though he is engaged, he still LOVES to stir the pot with me. He LOVES poking the bear and trying to get a reaction out of me. I used to GO OFF, but within the past 6 months I’ve just grey rock-ing him. I thought this would help keep the peace, but rather, it seems to have set him off even MORE! It’s like he cannot stand that I don’t react to his rants and insults. He feeds off of my anger, and I refuse to give it to him.

Here is where the funny part comes in…

Since I have NOT been reacting (Well, 90% of the time — I am still human after all), he has no “leverage” over me. No rants of me cussing him out, no anger, no yelling, I quit drinking, I quit smoking, I quit social media. He literally has NOTHING “on me” and he can’t stand it. He can’t stand that I don’t have social media (because that means he can’t see what I’m doing). It’s like he just can’t stand that he isn’t getting to me any more.

Since he has nothing on me, he decided that he would just make some dirt up instead.

Did he come up with some believable, juicy, embarrassing gossip? Nope!…

His genius ass decided he would tell everyone (starting with my parents) that I had joined ISIS.

Yes… ISIS, the terrorist organization.

Now, I was born and raised Southern Baptist, and now no longer participate in ANY religion (let alone violent extremism!) My parents thought it was a ridiculous over-the-top reach and we all had a good laugh. What kind of middle-aged moron tattles to their ex’s parents about anything, let alone an INSANE, blatantly made up story about how I joined ISIS. WTF?

These people seriously are sick. He can tell everyone in town that I’m crazy (and even that I’m a terrorist, I guess), but I know the truth. These people “believe” in their delusions (that THEY are the victims), because if they actually face the truth — they will realize what they all have in common — that they all SUCK.


An Unaware Terrorist

Dear Unaware Terrorist,

You win the internet today. I get a lot of character assassination stories at CN, but ISIS? Wow, he really is desperate for kibbles. Your grey rock game is good.

So how exactly does this terrorist thing work? You’re there, raising his child, while secretly beheading people as infidels? (What gave you away? Your Pinterest board?)

God, I’m sorry. He really and truly sucks.

My first thought, however, is that you could have some fun with this.

Fuckwit: I need to reschedule, and swap out visitation for next Friday.

Unaware: I’m sorry, that’s the evening of our Domestic Terrorist Potluck. How’s next week?


It’s probably unwise to antagonize him, however. Especially given that he delights in centrality.

Decisions, decisions… What would the Caliphate do?

You seem to have a pretty good handle on the situation. It will drive him mad if you don’t rise to his provocation. I can’t really imagine what he’ll accuse you of next. White slavery? That’s not your real hair? Once you’ve jumped the Taliban shark, there’s not a lot of places for crazy to go.

He’s probably been boring everyone with your villainy, trying to explain this divorce, and needed a new plot device. “She got wind of my cheating” is not nearly as riveting (and as self-pitying) as I DISCOVERED MY EX WAS AN ISLAMIST JIHADIST. Poor boo, a victim of your double life!

Of course, it’s total projection of his double life. While not a suicide bomber exactly, he does have an evil side hustle blowing up lives. (Hello Mrs. Chump #2 and OW #417…)

I’m not saying this is rational, but in his syphilitic brain he’s probably thinking what better way to win the narrative than to sow the seeds of doubt about Who You Really Are.

Well, she looks like a mild-mannered Southern Baptist, but beneath that Aw Shucks persona is a cold-blooded killer. I may have fucked around, but she is plotting the destruction of thousands!

It just seems like a very desperate distraction from his crimes. Well, SHE IS WORSE!

And to think you have to try and co-parent with this. Might be worth talking to your lawyer. Especially if you have one of those non-disparagement clauses in your custody order. Nice thing he provided you with a couple of witnesses — your parents.

I’ve just grey rock-ing him. I thought this would help keep the peace, but rather, it seems to have set him off even MORE! It’s like he cannot stand that I don’t react to his rants and insults. He feeds off of my anger, and I refuse to give it to him.

The peace of grey rock is for you. Not him. Crazy is gonna do crazy. Your job is not to engage with it. (I know, it’s really hard. Especially when there’s a minor’s welfare at stake.)

When you want to go off on him, ask yourself — is there something I can do here to resolve this, that doesn’t involve him? Like, say, the kid needs a ride — you could ask someone else — instead of exploding at him for being an unreliable asshole.

Does his bullshit even deserve a reply at all? Rants and insults? Click. Delete. Walk away.

Does his bullshit in any way endanger your child? Again, go around him. Instead of engaging, appeal to a higher authority — your lawyer, the cops, the school. Whatever responsible adult would be appropriate.

I know it’s exhausting, but if you can look dispassionately at his crazy-making, you’ll find that nearly all of it (minus any actual child endangerment) can be ignored or worked around.

As you’ve realized, denying his drama will enrage him. But you’ve only recently changed the dynamic — he’s still getting used to the new, improved Grey Rock you.

Unfortunately, 10 percent of the time, you’ve been giving him intermittent kibble rewards by reacting. Which is incentive for him to up the ante (you’re ISIS.) So harden your resolve!

With any luck, his head will explode like an improvised device.

Rock on with your badass Mujahideen self.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Wow, that IS special, what a loser!

    Gray rock doesn’t solve your chump problem, unfortunately; it does mean that the lying cheater no longer gets to use your own emotions to manipulate you. You win by NEVER SHARING EMOTIONS with them.

    Cheater: “Schmoopy is leaving me, I wish I’d never blown up our marriage.”
    You: “Gilligan’s Island, now THAT was a show, they don’t make television like they used to.”

    Cheater: “Schmoopy is so much better in bed than you, haha.”
    You: “Excuse me, I’m trying to remember if you’re supposed to put pickle relish in the tuna salad or not.”

    You’re still going to hurt, but you’ll at least have the distance to start healing.

    Peace and good luck!

    • I love the way you put it “never sharing emotions.” They deserve to know nothing of how you perceive anything. They have broken the trust.

      But isn’t this gray rock supposed to bore them and eventually they don’t come round looking for the fight or do the disordered persist forever?

      As an aside this post brought back memories of the terrorist analogies fuckwit used in reunification counseling with the kids. He said that Feelingit was like a muslim jihadist and that if you grow up raised in a home where you are taught to blow things up in the name of Allah, you think that is normal. (I think he was referring to the way I was raising the children, but who knows). Anyway daughter responded to that with “yes, mom has a giant picture of you above the mantel and every morning she has us all gather in front of it while she chants prayers and then says now, go get this man in the name of Allah!” She said she had the therapist laughing with that comment.

      • Feeingit!!! Am ROTFLMRO!

        You raised ’em right! She’s a hoot. Give that girl hugs and high 5’s from ChumpNation

    • My younger brother died unexpectedly and myex told my children I killed him. When that did not get traction he started claiming I spread animal blood around my brother’s apartment to terrorize the ex and his girlfriend. Ex is a physician and when I went to my brother’s apartment after his passing and saw blood I broke down, took a photo, and asked if he had any idea what could have caused my brother to pass. I was with my ex through graduate school and was married for 16 years. In my most devastated moment I asked him for insight….as a normal, grieving human might. He answered me normally at the time, but some months later, when he seriously perjured himself in court, he started with this “your mother is a murderer” thing. This lie was so low, so hurtful to me, so insensitive to my grieving children that is ranks much higher than his infidelity and fathering a child with someone else while being married to me. These people are monsters with no moral floor.

      • Ugh I’m so sorry, that is awful of your ex. What a cruel thing to do. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.

        • Yes….it is insane. I don’t wish anything like it on anyone, but logging on and seeing something like today’s post makes me realize I am not alone. These people are freaks, plain and simple.

          • My cheater was active duty military and regularly told me in private that he wanted to commit a mass atrocity / killing spree of some sort and once upped his game with “and now that I told you, you will be partially responsible” virtually egging me on to contact the police.

            I think he said that to make me turn him in, but as he was a decorated veteran with a clean record and an Ivy League level education, he would have put on a perfect face for police and made me look a delusional fool. He could have had “batshit crazy” stamped on my forehead and sent away and everyone would have felt sorry for him.

            He did some crazy stuff (his rage driving was terrifying) and he once told me that he (that day) broke someones arm (he was lying, he hadn’t) but he never did anything to make me actually think he was gearing up for a kill-fest so I chalked it up to “crazy talk”.

            For a long time, I thought he really did want to do something awful, but had just enough brain cells functioning to not do it. In the last few years, I think it was a massive Gaslighting attempt to make me look like a lunatic.

            Almost noone in my life knows this happened. He raged in front of the kids and they knew he spewed all sorts of venom when he raged, but I have no idea if they were ever around when he said it…probably not.

            • My father was similiar when I was growing up. Making bizarre claims of aggression, including telling my then-fiancee that he put a double-digit number of men to their graves during wartime in Vietnam. Turns out he never even went to Vietnam, at all. Not to mention he was only ever in the CANADIAN army for a few months when he was 18. After the Vietnam war was over.

              Also notable was him telling me as a child that he would kill me and bury me in the backyard. And that no one would ever know or find me. And that he would rip off my head and piss down my dead skull.

              I don’t really have a concluding statement other than: what the heck with these guys? Like what the heck?

              • You poor thing, that must have been terrorizing as a child. I hope you had some safe people to turn to.

      • my god- that is criminal.
        I’m so sorry for you that that happened. Who could make this shit up?
        It’s unbeleivable

      • They are monsters. They will feign whatever emotion they need to feign to get what they want.
        Mine twisted stories so now I communicate via text and email. But since of late (nigh 5 years later), he’s started to use the email for harassment, I’ve forwarded all email from him to an attorney friend of mine to vet. If he starts via text, I’ll cut him off, kids or no kids.

      • Wow just wow. I have nothing else to say except that I realize my ex fuckwit’s fuckwittery could have been worse. I am so sorry.

  • I promise, if you can lift (or drop?) your grey rock game to zero reaction, he will get bored and leave you alone. (Apart from griping about how the *real* problem is that you “won’t communicate”.)

    And after some time passes, you will look back on his ridiculous bear-poking and be amazed that it used to get under your skin. Because with a bit of distance on them, the cheaters and their tactics are actually so terribly boring.

    Mutual boredom. Equals peace and A Life. I think it arrives on Tuesday.

    • YES! Including the “won’t communicate” part. That’s what I eventually did. It drove my ex crazy, but he eventually left me alone. Now the children are grown and I haven’t heard from him in a very long time. Meh is here.

  • You are mighty. And such a win the internet day for you. I totally agree he needs to make you look like a worse person than he is (all teenage underwear photographer douchebag cheater and still cheating on new schmoops… what a catch he is!). Keep rocking that grey rock. ISIS… pfft. Who would even believe that shite.

  • ISIS.

    So…..the rumor started by my ex-wife that I had moved away to start a David Koresh/Jim Jones type cult isn’t all that bizarre.

    • No one would believe that rumor if it started about me.

      I’m not very charismatic and a little awkward. If I started a cult it would probably be a hand-drawn sign on my front lawn saying:

      “Free Cult. No Obligation. No Membership Fees. Bring Your Own Cookies.”

  • Wow. Grey rock surely has super powers, consigning you to a terrorist org and all. I’m a newbie to going NC/grey rock myself, only kicking out my covert narc cheater 4weeks ago & breaking NC for the 4th time last night when our cat died and I thought I should tell cheater. He thanked me & proceeded to demand I answer his other 2 emails about stupid shit I don’t care about. Obs I didn’t answer. #learning.

    • I’m sorry for the loss of your furbaby. It’s hard to lose them anyway, but when you still have to deal with the destruction of your marriage courtesy of Fuckwit, it’s a double whammy.

      • Chumpdownunder69, I am so sorry for your loss. Our pets offer unconditional love and support. He doesn’t care about anything but his needs, his dick and getting strange. Once you can wrap your mind around that it makes Grey Rock/No Contact so much easier.

  • Narcissist spelled backwards is asshole. If they can make shit up, so can we. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that if they can’t control you (gray rock) they’ll try to control how others see you.

  • Wow. Just wow. You are so much better away from that disordered ‘it’s legal because they are (barely) ’freak show.

  • He probably was thinking that you would eventually have him back. My ex would say terrible things about me. The grey rock method works, your not giving him the attention he wants. Incidentally his female “friend” said yesterday how is he with the kids, I said he wants contact with them, BUT wont text or call them. its just image management. Sad bastard.

    • My daughter’s ex does this. He texts her during the day (when she is at work and the children obviously aren’t with her) to rant that she is keeping his children from him. Does he ever pick up the damned phone and call his children in the evening to speak with them? NO. It’s all cover story to keep the new women satisfied with his narrative of “I don’t see my kids at all in two years because SHE won’t let me.” These bastards are all the same.

  • It’s called an extinction burst. You will get more of it until he gives up. Mostly gives up. They do try again but it gets further and further between. With practice and mastery, you will chuckle (in your head) and ignore it.

    “I used to GO OFF, but within the past 6 months I’ve just grey rock-ing him. I thought this would help keep the peace, but rather, it seems to have set him off even MORE! It’s like he cannot stand that I don’t react to his rants and insults. He feeds off of my anger, and I refuse to give it to him.”

    • I agree, he’s ramping it up because you’re tamping down your reactions (he’s a kibbles addict, he needs his fix). But he will unlikely be able to keep it up too long if you don’t feed him any emotion in return. I also agree with the comments below that you should document, document, document. Hopefully it’s wasted effort and you never need it, but in the event that you do, it could be invaluable.

      Joined ISIS, pretty ridiculous. I wish (I think…) that ExH was that blatant, but his preferred weapon is subtle insinuation. There are plenty of ex-family, friends and school-family friends that seem to have awkwardly edged away from interacting with me, though honestly it’s also hard to tell when I’m just being paranoid that that is what’s happed. Moral of the story: Totally understand the nuttery that comes from co-parenting with a fuckwit, I’m four years out and still occasionally searching for help (though VLC is a bedrock sanity saver!). Recently found a series of articles that were quite helpful in resetting my perspective of what one can rationally expect when communicating with one of Those. Maybe it can help you too:

  • One thing you must do unaware is definitely tell your lawyer about this. Please submit it in writing so you have your documentation and document dates and times and names he said this too. Of course keep this quiet. If he continues to act unhinged and carry on you don’t know if this to he can’t be around your minor children or supervised. Again, say nothing and tell no one but immediately fire off a letter to your lawyer and go back and document anyone he has said this in case you need this later.

    • I did after reading these comments and after a nudge from CL herself. I am meeting with an attorney Thursday!

      • Good! Glad to hear and please as best as you can get a notebook and write down, dates, and who he said this to and what he said. Continue to keep a log of these actions. You may need the documentation.

  • Wow this is crazy !!
    Can you imagine any sort of conversation with him even by chance say even at the mall .

    Friend : Oh sorry to hear you and Unaware Terrorist marriage is over you must be terribly sad

    Him : Yes i am ( wipes tear ) i found out she runs a terrorist cell

    Friend ; ?? What ??

    Him : Yes she is ISIS all very upsetting , by the way have you met my new much younger inappropriately younger lover ?
    I have had to get with her to get over the fact my wife and the mother of my child is in fact a grey rock terrorist ** Poor me **

  • Cheaterpant’s Wild distortion lines are a ‘new chump’ finder and friend. They do this will new prospects and with family. If cheaterpants can spin a crazy bullshit story and a woman buys it….she’ll buy a lot of shit. If a man starts saying ‘how awful, crazy, (or terrorust groupie)’ his other half is…. he’s trolling. He puts out crazy bait because he’s looking for gullible. It’s all his little boy brain can handle.

    • Found out before our contempt of court(he caved, still expensive) from paralegal, that 2nd wives are often lied to so much that they resort to requesting transcripts of divorce proceedings from first marriage????????????. Yet another reason (security clearance) that the dick can’t get under oath????

  • Grey rock is good. The heated fights really mess up the internal body. Stress and wears the mind out. Takes a long time for the body to keep recovering from hard stress fights. Breath out deeply and breath in slowly. Practice this and stay calm.

    Imagine his lies everywhere. Count the days till he’s gone each day and mark it on a calander. Imagine your new time ahead. This will pass. He will still be him and be grateful he’s already going out the door.

    I think he’s mostly butt hurt that you’re not begging his sorry self to stay.

    Maybe he’ll just fall over and die but that’s like wishing for the lottery win.

  • For 13 years she told me how fortunate our girls were to have a father like me (I’d grown up with two sisters — one of whom is 13 years younger than me — so I ‘knew the ropes’ from birth to the teenage years).

    After a few months of gray rock (while co-habitating), I was accused of being a long-standing mysoginist who was setting a horrible example re: respecting women.

    Then, when the GAL report came back, I was back to being the “perfect father” who just never changed, while she had “grown to want different things.” I like to think the GAL was savvy enough to understand that accusations of mysogyny didn’t square with her leaving the girls alone with me in the house while she went on dates, overnights and long weekends.

    • They say whatever they think will work in the moment!

      All the contradictions. I still wonder why he can’t see that him calling me mentally ill, saying he had to get away from all the abuse and then leaving the children with me full time makes him appear to lack good judgement. He still sends the children texts/emails about how he gets how hard it is too live with me and he is glad he got out. If I am really that bad, wouldn’t he have tried to rescue the children or at least ask for a minute or 2 of custody? Just batty.

      • What do the children think? It makes no sense to say to the kids – your mom is crazy so I got out and left you there

        • They are now mostly no contact. They know that I am not crazy and have called him out on it but he just ignores and says they are brainwashed.

          At one point, my son sarcastically said “cool, you got out, aren’t you lucky?” You just can’t reason with him.

        • What is says is “I think so little of you that I’m leaving you alone with your crazy parent. See how much I love you ?”

          Pile of kak

          • The same argument as “you’re controlling and/ or I’m afraid of you.

            Errr, if this had been true you wouldn’t have been able/ dared to eff around because you were too afraid of me.

      • This actually does happen sometimes. My great grandmother apparently left her abusive husband and left my grandmother and sister behind as well. Her excuse was that she thought he would treat them better than he treated her. Not so. He was abusive to them as well. I can’t say I have much respect for either my great grandfather or my great grandmother who left her kids in such a bad situation. I guess times were different back then and it was a lot harder to divorce and get custody and make ends meet financially, but still.

          • My Dad stuck around until we kids were grown, then divorced Mom who was an abusive nutcase. At some point, I asked him if he knew how badly she’d treated us when he wasn’t there to see it. He said he knew it was bad (it was bad for him as well), didn’t know how bad, and didn’t really want to know how bad, because in those days no judge would give a father physical custody of four daughters. He figured he was better off doing what he could, and thought the four of us did an amazing job of looking after each other.

            Yes it was a cop out, but he didn’t run for the hills and leave us to deal with crazy entirely by ourselves. If you care about your kids, you protect them as best you can.

      • Your comment made me laugh so hard. It is so true! Mine was telling everyone I was crazy behind my back. He left town for a week to “clear his head” aka meet AP. Leaving me to manage our house, bills, kids (I had the kids), business and “I was crazy!”. They say whatever story makes them the victim. I have caught my in circle stories in the same conversation on a parenting app.

    • I got a similar story. In a few months, I went from a “saint of a husband” (her words, describing me to coworkers) to a misogynist, micro-aggressive, financial abuser whom she had to flee out of fear for her physical safety.

      They need a narrative that will invoke sympathy in their listeners. “I left my husband because I wanted to trade up” doesn’t generally fly, so if they can’t use alcoholism, drug use or mental illness (or, apparently, terrorism!), then a very useful one (for women) is misogyny / abuse. I supported my wife for 15 years so she could launch her career – I did all the cooking, virtually all the childcare, all the house maintenance, kept track of all the financials – but within a couple of weeks of DDay I was a misogynist with violent tendencies.

      You can understand why that narrative works – it’s all too common for a woman to be assaulted by her husband – but it’s terrible that they undermine women who are actually escaping violent domestic situations by falsely appropriating that story to explain away their own abandonment of their families. Ironically, my XW considers herself an ardent feminist (which I’m sure is why this narrative attracted her) and I’m sure she doesn’t realize that her lies actually undermine the legitimacy of a movement that she claims to support.

      • They do all do that narrative rewrite making us chumps the crazy ones don’t they? And I know plenty of self proclaimed feminists (female) that undermine other women. I can’t think of anything less feminist than that. My ex suggested to me that maybe I hated men and that maybe I was gay. And then asked me if I’d ever had sex with my best friend. A bit of projection given he was the one going on a transsexual dating site and his new girlfriend looks like a 12-year-old boy.

        Anyway, it’s all the same thing…and your ex is an academic, correct? So she needs a politically correct reason to be an asshole to you. Misogyny is a low energy excuse.

  • It’s written into our divorce decree that neither of us can harass each other or our significant others.
    Pretty sure that it’s standard practice. If not, you should have it added to yours.
    That being said. These morons can’t even take the time to come up with plausible lies. The last implausible lie from the Worm, after I found his car parked a block Pookie’s house, was that he parked there and walked to a restaurant a mile away. Hilariously unoriginal.

    • Ha! They aren’t very smart, are they? Or they think we are very stupid! My ex tried to convince me that the bra I found in MY car was mine. First of all, it was much too small (C cup and I am DD) and too expensive – no way I could have afforded a $65 bra at that time, as I was working 2 jobs just to keep us housed, clothed, and fed. When he finally realized that he was not going to get away with his lie, he told me it belonged to a friend of his, who he gave a ride to and she changed her clothes in the car. Leaving behind her expensive Victoria’s Secret bra. Because women just leave their bras lying around in the car all the time.

      They are ridiculous.

  • I am getting the hang of this grey rock thing myself.

    Our daughter has frozen out Super Dad….he was blindsided! (Howz that feel, Mofo? You can dish it out but you can’t take it. None of us would be here had he not frozen US out in the first place…..)

    Yesterday while on the phone after his umpteenth unsuccessful attempt to wheedle her into getting together, he asks me, “What are we going to do?”

    I said, “I think it’s ‘what are YOU going to do’….and I don’t know.”


    • Velvet when my Ex would ask me What are we going to do about the boys not talking to him, I use to reply, I do not know you will have to ask them? This drove him insane.

      I got a long letter and an article about having family dinners for the holidays even after the split and how it was good for the kids. I also got the rant letter about how he hopes when I speak about him is it always in good terms to the kids, and that I will stop standing in the middle of their relationship with him.


      Mine did get mad enough that I ended up injured when he came to pick up his stuff one day, but that changed my gray rock to NC that very day. So I caution those in the middle of it, it does get crazy fast and I truly believe that they start to believe the lies they tell.

      I also like the theory that this is bait to the next woman who will believe their lies. My Ex’s new wife post and believes everything she is told about me and the kids. We blocked and laughed.

    • Velvet – absolutely spot on. They can dish it out but they can’t take it. The Twat used to beat the shit out of me on a regular basis, but just one time, after my son had dragged him off me for the umpteenth time, my son sat on him, hauled back and slapped him really hard across the face. Open-handed, not with his fist – yelling “now how do you like it”. The Twat staggered into the house crying that he couldn’t believe what happened, “I didn’t do anything to deserve that”! I just said “now you know how I feel”, not that it would affect him of course because, as usual, he was stinking drunk!

      • Attie, I am so glad he is gone from your life. I read account like yours and I wish I’d kept up my Karate classes. I want to throat punch him. I want to throat punch my STBX. I won’t because throat punch kibbles are still kibbles. It is so hard to not sink to the lowest levels of behavior when confronted with their abuse. We rise.

        • We rise. Yes.

          But you would be much higher than him while he’s on the ground clasping his bruised Adam’s apple and your standing firmly up after your ninja move. Just sayin.

          • Fearful and loathing, I slay him in my dreams! I’ve just eyed his throat whilst plotting one solid punch. I really hurt him by demanding equitable treatment. That fool really thought he could demand I sign over my rights to “his” money and I would. Paying me will hurt far longer than a throat punch.

            I’m might just go back to karate classes once I have some $. He took all the $ out of our joint accounts. That’s a throat punch just waiting to happen.

        • Thanks 33. I’m fully away from him and will stay that way. I couldn’t really fight back as I had never taken self-defence classes and he was a former Marine! I do remember one time him coming storming into the bedroom to re-launch himself at me but I lay on my back on the bed and kicked that sucker right in the chest with both feet. He went flying up the wall and wondered what the hell just happened! I paid for it later but it was SOOOOO worth it!

  • Just my opinion, but is there any chance at all this ISIS story could in any way cause problems for you with the authorities? I know it sounds cray cray to anyone who knows you, but a rumour can take on legs of its own if it gets to the wrong people……

    I know that there are ISIS terrorist recruiters trying to convert ordinary citizens everywhere, even in sleepy southern towns maybe? Just thinking about later on when you enroll your child in school and attend a teacher conference and the teacher says “ Aren’t you that single mother who joined ISIS?”
    Or you get pulled over for speeding by a cop who had a really bad week and he decides you need to come down to the station for questioning?

    I dunno, these horrible scenarios just pop into my mind, all the “what if’s “ that could occur if there is a terrorrist incident anywhere that somehow made the wrong people suddenly remember this rumour about you.

    Please, document document document all of this, for your protection and your child’s. Have your parents write out statements of what exactly he said, when and where. Give the documents to a lawyer if you can. It cannot hurt and it might actually benefit you in the future, esp. if he decides to get really nasty and drag you though the courts to sue for full custody or something!

    Sometimes the “ crazy” ones really do turn out to be actually crazy, so crazy that they are willing to go to any extreme to get what they want and this one seems to me to be heading down that road!

    • I would second that. Cheater ex went around telling. People that since I worked nights, I was a hooker. In actuality I was working at a nursing home as a TMA, but it was surprising how many believed him. I was also going to nursing school full time. Well that smear campaign came back to bite me in the butt after cheater ex kidnapped and murdered my youngest son and then offed himself. I was investigated by the local police after his family’s lies, and the police treated me like something to be scraped off their shoes. Then eighteen months later, when the family paid somebody to burn my house down, I was investigated again by the local police, who, once they figured out that I couldn’t have done it, quietly refused to investigate further.

      So yeah, make sure to document the crap out of any lies he floats. Self protection is always a good idea with these crazy fuckwits.

      • I’m sorry… what?

        What? He murdered your child. I cannot. This is just beyond all imagining. My sincerest condolences on the most horrific loss.

      • Tessie- you are such an amazing person. Your story is always heart breaking, and always a reminder about how knife-edged everything can be with a N disordered fuckwit. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. Whenever you share I always want to send you love and support and huge thanks because it is so incredibly generous after all you’ve been through. It’s impossible to say all the feelings and thoughts that pile in

        • Tessie. Always a reminder of the real monsters that lurk behind these façades. Because of to your story Tess, I don’t play.
          You are right of course. Don’t play with them. Mean business. One chance and that is it.
          The first sin is selfishness.

      • Thanks for the reminder that while humor and snark can be healing, there is a very serious and dangerous side to some of our experience. CL has archives …, document, and get help. Hugs Tessie.

    • With other jobs, such as the person above with the night job being accused of being a sex worker as an attempt to smear their reputation, I’d be more in a hurry to address things perhaps with a legal letter, but with the ISIS accusation (unless you live in a town full of absolutely stupid people) all I can see is some kind of PSA ad with all these talking heads as you go about your day…”See that mom, the one womaning the stall at the bake sale…She’s ISIS.” “That soccer mom, giving out oranges at half time? ISIS” “Yoga instructor…Little League Coach…PTA boardmember? Mom without a moment to herself who lives for her kids? All ISIS.” “Look over your shoulder…They’re EVERYWHERE ” Seriously. My only concern would be someone who is out of touch with reality enough to think that people would believe that assertion may actually have mental health (as opposed to Personality Disorders – that’s almost a given) concerns.

      • Having thought this over a bit more, I would actually if possible arrange for your lawyer to send a letter to your ex outlining that you have been informed that he had approached your parents with these accusations, and you are concerned about how many others may have been told these outlandish accusations, but at this stage are just filing with your lawyer for future reference and any correspondence about this should be directed toward them at mylawyerispaidtocare Attach a copy of your parents’ statement and leave it at that. That should shut him up and it’s been lodged with your lawyer should there be any repercussions later on as a result of his lunacy ie attempts for custody etc and it may help you when it comes to your legal fight.

  • I agree with CL that it’s best not to provoke him, but the thought of the fun you could have with this is too much fun. So, I will indulge in the fantasy for a moment.

    1) Greet him next at the door wearing a hijab.
    2) Email him that you have gone halal and expect that your child no longer eat pork.
    3) Ask for a slight change in pick up time because it now interferes with prayer time.
    4) Arrange for a pick up time at your local mosque.
    5) Inform him that you are planning a trip with your child for next summer…to Saudi Arabia.

    Hehe. My laugh for the day. This letter has been a good one.

    However, I am sorry that you have to go through any of this. Hopefully, grey rock/no contact starts to yield the results you truly desire.

    • Pure gold!!! As much as I agree not to provoke this lunatic, the hilarity of the thoughts cannot go without entertaining how ridiculous it could be to play along. The suggestions are genius!

      They also point out the sad truth that some folk are driven by propaganda about the unknown, and show that any action to this effect would fuel an unnecessary divide between cultures. Merely saying ISIS can spark fear in those who are trained to be ignorant.

      Your ex has attempted to tap into a very well known and emotion filled smear campaign. Gaslighting, false narrative and fear mongering at its finest.

      As funny as this could be, the serious lesson cannot go without a voice. The extremists of any position (including your ex taking his bullshit story about you to extreme) are not to be given the attention or kibble.

      Stand true with grey rock and no contact. Dispel false narrative with your solid sane person stance. Xxx hugs!

  • I know grey rock is essentially deprivation of kibbles for narcs but the “boring” part is what’s suppose to eventually get them to leave chumps alone. Clearly, this does not always work. And it seems that the more disordered they are, the less you can depend on the typical reaction grey rock will illicit.

    Behold UXworld: KK has been eclipsed by this wingnut.

  • Hilarious!!

    Reminds me a bit of what my mom used to say: His brain cells have gone on vacation…In this guy’s case, they never came back! Wow, just wow.

  • Thanks for this; it really gave me a good laugh. Kudos for grey rocking him. It took me more than a year to learn that but now I am better.
    Mine did take me to court for alienation of affection of our son (who hasn’t been talking to him since I locked my exact out when I found him with his 20 year old student, he’s 50, in an apartment he rented). He lost but in the complaint he wrote to the judge that I had to be evaluated by a psychiatrist because I thought I was a witch who could send bad mojo to him and his schmoopie! Good times!

    • People like that don’t need witches to send them bad mojo. They carry it with them wherever they go.

    • Oh that gold! Mine accused me and my daughter of being witches that were casting spells on him to make him feel enchanted to me. He felt he needed to tear away from us in order to break the spell.

  • This. I could’ve written this. Greyrocking is the next best thing to No Contact. I’m also a fan of parallel parenting because I accidentally had 2 children with a fuckwit. You can’t co-parent with a serial cheater. The courts will say differently, but whatever. Truth is, someone who is comfortable with deception will always lie. My insane rants were fueled by lies of omission, and a behavior pattern that was meant to make me look crazy, but not him–he present’s so well. I don’t need to update on school meetings, doctors appointments, or after school activities. It’s my responsibility anyway. My fuckwit gets an email on friday, from an outside gmail account with any necessary updates. Like a dog, he’s been trained that if he calls me or emails my personal account, there will be zero response. I literally don’t even check that email until friday, and only extract what is necessary in terms of parenting. My STBX is a cruel and toxic individual who may keep me in a messy divorce for years. However, going grey rock has taught me that I don’t have to wait to move on with my life. I can start that process now, and accept that while it may take longer, it doesn’t prohibit me from imagining a life without him. Ironic that he is calling YOU the terrorist, when in fact he blew up your life. Definitely document that and keep it moving. You have an opportunity to rebuild your life and home in a way that honors you and and what you want to impart on your daughter. Your ex will continue to spin and poke until he finds a new life to blow up. He will move on eventually and it will feel great!

  • Wow – this is unbelievable – if ‘ true’ now wouldn’t HE be going to the authorities warning that your child is in danger? Has he contacted the FBI yet about his ‘knowledge’ of a known associated terrorist organization? No – and the reason why is because after about a 10 minute investigation they would be questioning HIS mental stability and he KNOWS that! YOU could actually bring this to your lawyer and perhaps cause him to lose visitation with your child unless supervised! I’d be dropping your grey rock right squarley on his ASS! You have this power – you should strike back before he creates some other nonsensical grabasstic bullshit scheme! This guy is unstable and dangerous.

    • Agreed.
      They make ludicrous accusations but are often too lazy to do more than that.
      Mine left the kids he ‘loves’ with my ‘crazy’ ass.

    • I spoke with an attorney today and am meeting with him later this week. Thank you!

  • Wow thats a special kind of crazy. I actually got a good laugh before I thought about your child. Do what you need to do to keep this crazy as much as possible out of your child’s life. We are here for you.

  • Don’t delete. Document.If he veers into being genuinely delusional, you may be able to limit to supervised or no visitation. A seriously mentally ill parent can be dangerous to a child.

  • Another win for Grey Rock! My first X used to randomly circle back around, even years later, and after 3 more destroyed marriages (for him). He would find out where I was living, and would send me letters, which I would throw away unopened. THEN he would up the ante. He would send me registered letters, so he would at least know I had gotten them. I think he figured out I wasn’t opening his letters, because he switched to postcards. Sometimes I would see the message, which was always “Me! Me! MEEEE!!”

    The last go around, a few years ago – bear in mind we divorced 30 years ago – was that he needed a copy of our divorce decree to renew his passport. Into the trash it went. Whatever was going on, it had nothing to do with a passport, and is HIS problem – not mine.

    What I learned over the years, with him, is that ANY response from me is a foot in the door in his messed up brain. I finally asked an attorney friend to draft a civil letter telling him where the decree was filed, and to never contact me again. I haven’t heard from him since, though I still have random nightmares about him. Gack.

    • Wow 30 years later and he’s STILL trying. Grey rock definitely drives them nuts doesn’t it!

    • Wow 30 years later !!

      I am glad mine abandoned me and never looked back then . I am glad i don’t require the use of Grey Rock either if it still makes them try to hurt you again after 30 years

      • I think he just wants attention, and I’m a candidate (in his mind) because he knows I loved him once. Whatever. That stuff he did? ANCIENT history. Surely I’m over it by now!

        THAT door is firmly closed, bolted shut, bricked over, and slathered over with 4 feet of concrete. Not going to happen.

      • Karenb6972, I’ve spent more than a few days sobbing that my STBX hasn’t contacted me. I left him, I filed, he didn’t call, e-mail, send me a letter, carrier pigeon or smoke signal me.The third week after I left I did get an angry text demanding I sign a document stating I had no rights to his pensions or his salary. That has been it. Now I can see it was a blessing in disguise.

        I plan to never speak to him again. He is dead to me. I don’t talk to dead people. It is really easier this way. I can concentrate on “gaining a life.”

        You aren’t the only one with a husband who never looked back. I hope that helps, it helped me to know I wasn’t the only one ghosted.

  • There is something he is doing right now that could hurt the child, and that is spreading rumors his wife has joined ISIS.
    She needs to go RIGHT NOW to the police to get this on record. The ramifications here could be quite serious, and go beyond being placed on a “no fly” list.

    • I’m seeing a lawyer later this week. I have called the cops three times with the result being a “paper trail.” He is on probation for dealing weed – illegal where we live. (I know, it keeps getting better) But he is bffs with the mayor and all of the cops because of his new job. I have a feeling it’s related. He’s a charmer. It sucks.

  • This post made me go back into my Our Family Wizard account’s journal entries and recall just how bad it can get when gray rock starts working its magic.

    Here’s a partial-month sampling of how gray rock can increase the Rage Channel (remember, we were still co-habitating):

    9/4/2016 — before leaving the house to visit my family: “You’re a horrible human being, who cares more about how you look to other people than about the well being of your children.”

    9/9/2016 — while making my breakfast:
    1. “You mean you’re actually taking some time to do something for yourself (playing golf the following day)? Do you think that’s wise? When I do something like that, it’s a federal offense.”
    2. “I can’t believe I married such a misogynist, especially since you’re the father of girls.”
    3. “I refuse to be a housewife at home twittling her thumbs, which is what you apparently want.”

    9/23/2016 — she said she had some news about the girls’ school bus schedule, but wasn’t going to tell me “until you pay me the respect I deserve.” I said only that I would listen to the information, but she apparently expected something more. I went about my business, and she launched into a stream of provocations, including:
    1. “You’re only making it worse for yourself.”
    2. “It’s not healthy for a 52-year old man’s best friend to be his 14-year old daughter.”
    3. “I’m seriously concerned about this — it’s really disturbing to me.”
    4. “(The Chlorine Special) says he’ll be friends with you if you lay off of me.”

    9/24/2016 — still not happy about the previous day’s gray rock, she continued with the following:
    1. “You need to get over yourself and grow a pair!”
    2. “You will NOT disrespect me this way!”
    3. “This is only going to work in my favor!”
    4. She accused me of having spyware installed on her computer, and of stalking her ‘friends’ on social media.
    5. I motioned to her to keep her voice down, in reference to the girls being in close proximity; she replied: “Don’t you DARE shush me!”

    (Sensing that the rock was not easily broken, she finally gave me the bus schedule information, and asked if I would write a latter to the school because “you’re good at that kind of thing.”)

    • Playing golf is a federal offence ????????

      I’ve read your posts in the archives and KK is Crazy ! But you going for a round of golf could get you arrested that’s up there ????

      • Karenb6972, I’ve spent more than a few days sobbing that my STBX hasn’t contacted me. I left him, I filed, he didn’t call, e-mail, send me a letter, carrier pigeon or smoke signal me.The third week after I left I did get an angry text demanding I sign a document stating I had no rights to his pensions or his salary. That has been it. Now I can see it was a blessing in disguise.

        I plan to never speak to him again. He is dead to me. I don’t talk to dead people. It is really easier this way. I can concentrate on “gaining a life.”

        You aren’t the only one with a husband who never looked back. I hope that helps, it helped me to know I wasn’t the only one ghosted.

    • “(The Chlorine Special) says he’ll be friends with you if you lay off of me.”

      Wow! How could you pass on an offer like that?

      • 🙂 This was her attempt at snide passive/aggressiveness: “Since you have no friends of your own, the rider of the purple dildo will be your friend.”

    • 9/4/2016 — before leaving the house to visit my family: “You’re a horrible human being, who cares more about how you look to other people than about the well being of your children.”

      This is one of the best examples of projection I’ve ever seen!

      • I get a version of this about once a month or so. It’s a regular enough occurrence (it always comes after I say “no” to a request for a change in custody) that it hardly even registers any more. Oh, I also get the flip of this – when I DO agree to something she accuses me of only doing it “for image management”. It’s truly bizarre – XW asks me for a favor, I say yes, and then she is angry with me for it.

  • I love laughing so hard during lunch and almost spitting it over my monitor.

    This one is definitely one for the memory books!

    Accused of joining ISIS!


  • Ok, CN is full of sad stories, stories of mightiness and amusing snark. I appreciate CN humor as much as the next chump and am often laughing in my head at the things I read (when I am not disturbed and saddened to tears). I will say, however, that I think this is the first time I have ever, in fact, laughed out loud while sitting at my desk reading CN. This one is so over the top ridiculous I couldn’t help it. CL is right. You win the internet today. Keep up with the Grey Rock. I can’t wait to hear what he comes up with next. This one is going to be hard to top.

    • I hope maybe grey rock will cause him to chill out. He posted some crap about me on Facebook today. I don’t even have social media! I’m documenting all of it. He’s nuts.

      • He knows you’re watching and taking note. It serves to keep him in your thoughts. Perhaps take it up a notch and invoke a more extreme no contact. Block him and dont allow others to report in with what he posts/says about you. It doesn’t surprise me that he’s upping the ante, he knows you’re still looking/caring/engaged. Disconnect for your own sanity.

        You will never feel peace or get to meh whilst you are circling or caring about his posts/words. As CL says, grey rock is for your own peace of mind.

        You have enough evidence without pain shopping for more. Xxx hugs

  • While I’ve never been accused of being a terrorist in the organized sense, my Idiotic Twat of an ex husband is of this same skein of delusion. He recently had me served with papers to change custody after 6 years of my having sole custody of my two daughters (he gets 2 nights a month—every other Saturday), because I work for the state and was laid off.

    But that isn’t all:

    I was dating a newly divorced guy, and the Twat started dating my guy’s ex-wife. Sure Twat is married, but once a cheater…

    From there, the cheaterpants exes turned a Memorial Day weekend sunburn on the guy I was dating’s child into a full fledged Ordeal. Sure, most 7 year old blond haired, fair skinned kiddos are going to get a little red on their first trip to the pool for the summer. No matter how much sunscreen you spray on them. But the ex wife took the kid to the ER *10 days later* after she had started to peel and wanted a CPS investigation. Says so right in the doctor’s progress note in her chart. Then the Twat had the nerve to put in in his papers as a reason that I’m unfit.

    Of course, my attorney didn’t let me sweat it.

    But still… when the delusional and disordered team up, there’s no limit to the crazy.

    I’ve been called cancer, poison, and hemlock (I think he used The Gaslighter’s My First Thesaurus for a while).

    But never ISIS.

    Well done!

  • Mine said I had become a lesbian ????????
    And that’s why I didn’t want him back, ohh to funny.

  • Why is this nutjob in contact with your parents? Sounds like they need to go NC with him. And I would second the advice about documenting his smear campaign in case it comes back to haunt you.

    • Because he’s a middle-aged tattle tale. I am documenting everything and seeing a lawyer this week – already made an appointment!

    • Agreed, fuck stick needs to be cut from your personal life. Including your parents!

  • My suggestion is to get a (if you don’t already have one) a disparaging clause in your MSA just like CL said. Very Important. Then keep all written accounts of his craziness and have your parents and anyone else write a statement of their conversations with him or record them. The reason I say this is because as your child will grow older he will involve them in this crazy. Document, document and document. Then go back to court for fully custody with no visitation other than supervised because he is a detriment to you and your child’s mental health.

    ISIS? That definitely wins!

  • My XAss loves to try to throw wrenches into the works when I think I’ve got logistics and issues worked out. He goes along seemingly all cooperative, and then out of the blue, last minute, makes an accusation or demand that he thinks will throw me.

    It used to really upset me. Not anymore.

    Recently I was planning my court ordered fall visitation with my son (we split the year living in separate communities – I have kid first 6 mo of year, he has 2nd.) when XAss decides he has a problem and I’m just so unfair and demanding, and he’s so put-upon, broke, but will do it “to keep the peace”. (He makes 3x’s the $ I do, owns the house, and pays me hardly any child support and no alimony after 19 years together. If only the Cabella’s habit and shipping costs weren’t so expensive!)

    For the last 3 years we’ve had a deal where kid goes to Dad for Spring Break and then I get equal time sometime in Sept./Oct for my fall visit.

    I had just been working out the details of my upcoming fall visitation when XAss decides to tell me that he is under no obligation to give me the kid for that time, nor should he have to pay for the travel for kid to return to him.

    At first I started to get mad that I would have to fight, and beg and deal with BS to get to see my kid. Then I calmed down wrote a non-emotional, thinly veiled condescending reply where I quoted his own lawyer to him explaining that yep, I get the kid and yep, he pays for the return. And if he’s still confused about our Custody Agreement and Visitation Schedule to have his lawyer explain it to him. I know that really bunched his panties into a wad. But he shut up about the trip.

    Now he’s trying to tell the schools how hard he is working to ensure the kid gets the education he needs. XAss keeps the kid in a tiny school (>10 kids) that has no healthy peers, and no challenges for our honor roll, math/sci/tech loving student.) Yet the teachers are seeing I am the one contacting them, getting the materials and sending them out, etc. While he is the one putting the kid into school two weeks late every year to take him on hunting trips.

    Yeah, he certainly doing the impression management tap dance. Somebody needs to get out the hook.

  • “Sorry, no can do. I don’t have a clean bhurka to wear.” “Sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I wouldn’t be able to get through the metal detectors, you know.” “Can you take Junior? I’ve got my Koran lessons tonight.” What a moron.

    • Reading about this insanity helps me see that it is a gift my STBX hasn’t contacted me beyond texting to demand I sign away my rights to his pensions and retirement pay. I sometimes feel badly that he hasn’t contacted me. Now I see it is a blessing.

      Unaware, I am so sorry you are being slandered. Document, call your lawyer, be safe. Your fuckwit seems insane. There is no predicting what insane will do. Protect yourself and your kids from that insane, slanderous fuck.

      Chump Lady and Chump Nation have saved my life. I’ve gotten so much help here. I’ve learned so much. Good Luck to you dear Not Really a Terrorist. Let us know what happens!

      • I will! I’m seeing an attorney later this week – I set up the appt. today. Stay tuned…

        • I’m so glad. This is a huge relief. Keep us posted. I think he is going to regret his slanderous lies.

  • I can’t even imagine being on that kind of crazy train. I do agree with others here that you should document all of this. Your average person would likely find this to be absurd, but maybe he has allies who are also spreading these lies on his behalf. If you say something enough it becomes true in some people’s minds. I’m just paranoid that way though. Also, I went through a dissolution, and even we have an agreement not to harrass each other. This goes miles beyond harrassment. I’m so sorry for all of you who have expressed similar experiences. Just wow.

    Other than the occasional flurry of texts to coordinate issues concerning my 18 year old, and some other miscellaneous things from time to time, he leaves me alone. He moved my son into his college dorm last month, and he will be taking him back and forth for any visits home. My son is only 25 miles away, so it’s doable if he wants to come home for the weekend. I barely look at him and respond very little and in a monotone, even though he greets me pleasantly. I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we’re friends. A few days after moving my son in, I got a text saying that perhaps we could meet for lunch to “discuss how we can be on the same page about what kind of resources are available at University, and how we can work together as his parents to help him transition into this new satge in his life. Blah, blah , blah, I worry about him.” I said nah, I’m good. I get emails all the time from University, and if he learned anything new at orientation he can outline it in an email. I told him I know what my relationship is like with my son, and that I told son it’s up to him to navigate his relationship with you. If I notice anything worrying we can take it from there. His response was ok, Pepe Le Pew, I understand, all is good.

    I really have it pretty easy as far as him not coming around for kibbles, and I’m really thankful for that. It does remind me that he doesn’t even have a clue about where my son is at emotionally. He used to be very anxious, but as he has matured he has become a confident young man, who wasn’t even the least bit anxious about starting college. He’s very happy and enjoys his classes. Too bad his lame excuse for a father doesn’t even know him.

    I’m proud of all of you for standing strong against your particular brand of crazies.

  • The increase in his reaction is called an extinction burst in Applied Behavioral Analysis. You are trying to extinct the behavior by not giving him the results he wants it should work eventually, but you have to be 100 %. It works pretty good on my autistic son. Not sure if itwill work with fuckwits.

    Mine accused me of fathering a baby with someone else 8 years after my vasecotomy. Believed her delusion and made my life hell.

  • Rock on Mujahideen Chump!!
    Love it, love it????
    Hilarious response from CL.
    Seriously though…how inherently evil! Accused of being ISIS?
    Another accused of being Hooker Nurse?
    And then I read…omg, Devil father murdered chump’s child??
    I am so sorry.
    I thought X was an evil shithead, but I’m speechless….

    • Her post was hilarious and totally made my day, so ridiculous it was. But it actually seem to be a pattern, one woman accused in written of being a witch who puts hexes on others, one man started to collect followers and suicidal cult, a hooked nurse – these people need some tender loving mental health care.

      • OH! He also has a video of me and my sister doing cocaine in front of my toddler. 1) The video has never been seen. 2) That’s because it doesn’t exist. 3) That’s because nothing of the sort has ever happened. He’s nuts. I’m documenting everything and seeing a lawyer later this week.

  • Your X might like to stir the pot. But you can move the pot out of reach. It’s not just gray rock you need; you need no contact–or as low a contact as you can get. If you aren’t in his orbit, he can’t stir the pot. Yes, he can tell your parents you are an ISIS terrorist, but you can get to the point where you note what he’s doing and then decide if it’s serious enough to refer to your attorney. It’s not like any sane person would believe this. I would, though, ask my attorney to write a “cease and desist letter”–not because your X will quit this stuff but because you have a record of who started this rumor in case the FBI ever shows up at your door.

    Low contact, if you have a child, would include
    1. Using email only so you always have a paper trail of what he says. That means blocking him on phone and text or (if you’d rather) letting ALL his calls go to voicemail, which you handle by email only. You really should never talk to him on the phone outside of a true emergency (an old friend used to say “only if a bone is broken” to his XW, a notable pot-stirrer). You should consider making a separate email account just for this contact ([email protected], for example).
    2. Arranging transfer of custody to avoid extended contact.
    3. Developing a set of stock statements and responses:
    *”I need to think about that request. Please put it in an email.”
    *”Kiddo will appreciate you coming to the game. I’ve got to meet someone.”
    *”Kiddo’s school information is on the school district website.”
    “Thanks for letting me know.”
    *”I’ll think about it.”
    The idea is to defer any real response until you have a) details; b) time to think about what is being asked and if it is in accord with the custody agreement and your values.
    4. Perhaps more important, you have to END his centrality in your thoughts. As CL says, you don’t to gray rock and no contact to “keep the peace.” You do it to disengage from the mindf*ckery. You do it to “remove the pot,” to not allow X to have access to you so he can manipulate you.

    You give us the information about the nearly teenage Schmoopie to make the point that X is engaged but still wants a reaction to you. It’s one thing if you are just noting the weirdness so common to these people—that they are never satisfied with just one relationship. They always snuffle around for kibbles from multiple sources. That’s a given. It will help you to understand how disordered people carry out relationships (Google “stages of narcissistic relationship.”) But the big thing is that you have to stop caring about what he thinks, says and does. You have to get indifferent to him and his doings. It’s time for the MENTAL divorce. Put your focus on yourself and your new life. Make him nothing more than someone who sends you junk email.

    • Lovedajackass, I needed that terminology, “MENTAL divorce”. I am still very much a married lady. I meant my vows. Time to mentally divorce my STBX. Time to unsay my vows. I already gave away my wedding dress, took off my ring (It is still in my jewelry box), burned all fourteen cards, FOURTEEN he gave me over thirty five years. I don’t say his name. I am completely no contact.

      Our thirty fourth anniversary is next month. I had hoped to have a divorce decree suitable for framing before that date. Looks like that won’t happen, but I can be mentally divorced.

      I’m going to think about what that might look like for me. Any suggestions from Chump Nation?

    • LAJ again for the win! Geez I love your input!!!! Life saving stud right here. Xxx much love for you xxx

  • ISIS? He should be terrified of you.
    Best post I’ve read in a long time. For your sake I wish it was fiction because it definitely sounds like he is writing a book.
    Doesn’t he realize all the listeners are probably laughing at him?
    Keep gray rocking on.

  • Tell me if you think I am a little too paranoid, but first thing I am thinking upon reading her letter was to wonder if her fuckwit could be up to no good with an actual objective. Is it possible that being reported to authorities or some border patrol agency could put her on a list of suspicious persons which would make it more difficult for her to travel. I am not sure what are the consequences are of being flagged as a potential ISIS supporter, but I expect that enforcement agencies would take reports serious enough to at least look at them. Of course that doesn’t follow that he would tell her parents… unless maybe that is simply a symptom of him being leaky about it. Probably I am giving him too much credit, it’s likely he’s just crazy making and not an evil mastermind.

    While it surely sucks, I hope that all you have to deal with happens at the level of drama and nothing more harmful that that. You are strong and you got this! Stopping social media was brilliant. Stay safe and strong!

    • I spoke with an attorney today and am meeting with him later this week. Thank you!

  • Unaware Terrorist….I am not sure how old your child is. But I can see your ex’s possible attempts at parental alienation being on the horizon. He seems the type. You might want to raise your child with an awareness that not everything that people say is true. And make a point to emphasize that with them in various ways. Daddy has a problem with the truth.

  • Not to sound even MORE paranoid, but the thing that alarms me the most about your letter is THIS part:

    “…but had I known my ex was posing as a photographer and taking lingerie pictures of 18-19 year old girls”

    This is a known trick used by pedophiles and serial rapists.

    How do you know all the girls he approached were 18 (convenient, that) and not 16 or 17?
    Do you really believe he checked these girls driver’s licenses? Really????

    I’m not sure there is much you can do about this, my ex admitted in a court deposition that he was “sexually inappropriate” with our four year old (even physically demonstrated it in the room with the court official).

    The court says to me that what is most important is that my daughter continue to have a relationship with her father. Anything less is Parental Alienation Syndrome on my part…

    Still, if I were you, I would at least have ALL the talks about good touch/bad touch with your child, frequently.

    And I hate to burst everyone’s bubble but supervised visitation is almost impossible to get in America.

    So based on my experience, I am as wary of this kind of crazy as Tessie is (she posted above^)

    • I even wonder if he is pointing the finger at you in this way to distract you from looking too closely at what he is really up to. Posing as a photographer is a huge red flag for sexual deviancy.

      Be careful.

    • I’m seeing an attorney later this week about custody changing. Ie: no unsupervised. He’s sick.

    • I agree in America all they care about is the fathers rights! Drug addicts don’t even get supervised visits.

  • As much as I laughed at the dumbarse ridiculousness of the ISIS claim I very strongly feel that you should go to the police about him saying that. There are nasty gossips around as well as paranoid crazies that might just believe it,and it also could impact on your child,who may be bullied at school at the very least. With the current world anxiety about wars and terrorism you really need to protect yourself here. I’d be telling a few influential locals about his claim too,you need to cover yourself here. I know it seems like overkill but I’ve learned that you can never underestimate how much people love gossip and scandal :/

    • I’m seeing an attorney later this week about custody changing. Ie: no unsupervised and the rumors. He’s sick. Thank you.

  • These fuckwits are crazy, they’ll say anything to justify their bad behaviour.
    The Traitor said he was afraid I was going to harm him when I cut his hair. What he didn’t tell the MC is that I cut his hair with a buzz clipper, not scissors, not a razor. I just laughed and said:” Don’t worry Mister, it’s just a clipper”. I hope the equally crazy MC got the Color Purple reference, but she probably didn’t. He also claimed I had become a dangerous driver because I was so upset and unhinged about his cheating. So he and the Whore still let me pick up their son every week from school, take him swimming, drive 80kms home. He also let me take his DS3 for driving lessons, and drive DS2 around when the brat’s licence got suspended. Because I was so dangerous, I guess. He also said he was afraid I was trying to poison him when he got indigestion from too much cider and cookies. And discussed the risks and how to protect himself with his Whore (by that time I was using a VAR on the phone…). She advised him to check the cider bottle for puncture marks. Hmmmhh, what attracted him to her must be her brain… He still had me do all the cooking for the family.
    They didn’t want to lose their compliant appliance.

  • Anyone who hears your cheating ex-husband claim you’re a member of ISIS will die laughing and will seriously wonder if this guy has a few screws loose. The cheese has definitely slid off of his cracker, as no sane person would ever make a statement like this. I’d seriously question his mental sanity and demand supervised visits with our child. He doesn’t sound mentally stable any way you slice it. Hugs to you, xoxo

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